Get A Clue

Get a Clue!
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/35351428.
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Relationship: Keith/Lance (Voltron), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Character: Keith (Voltron), Lance (Voltron), Pidge | Katie Holt, Shiro (Voltron),
Hunk (Voltron), Romelle (Voltron), Coran (Voltron)
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Murder Mystery Game without the
murder, Costumes, pidge's birthday, Mystery, Hijinks & Shenanigans,
Scooby Doo Style Mysteries & Hijinks, References to Clue | Cluedo,
References to Clueless (1995), Versvember, Pining Keith (Voltron),
Jealous Keith (Voltron), implied pairings of others with Lance but those
are just guesses, Keith fantasizing about Lance, Anal Fingering, leather
harness, Nipple Play, very short skirts and panties, Anal Sex, rusty
trombone, Pool Table Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Switching, Bottom Lance
(Voltron), Bottom Keith (Voltron), Top Lance (Voltron), Top Keith
(Voltron), Bottom Klance, Switch Klance, Vers klance, Ass to Mouth,
references to masturbation, much condom use, much confessions,
much happy endings
Collections: Klasix Master Collection, Klance: Into the Multiverse
Stats: Published: 2021-11-28 Words: 14090
Get a Clue!
by Bang Bang Beef Keef (BangBangBeefKeef)
Summary
It's Pidge's Murder Mystery Birthday at a rented mansion, but the game quickly switches
from "whodunit?" to "which of you two horny fucks did it at my party?" It's a classic kinky
mystery game!
Notes
Happy Versvember everyone! A time in November to celebrate vers/switch Klance! It's

also my birthday, so please be extra nice to me! I had fun writing this as my gift to me and I
hope you enjoy reading it!
See the end of the work for more notes

Thunder and lightning crack outside the large, floor to ceiling windows. It illuminates the entire
ballroom for a split second at a time, the black and white tiled floor looking like a chessboard.
There sit our players, in a semicircle, as Pidge paces in front of them. The flash of light disappears
as quickly as it came, leaving them lit by candle light.
“I suppose you’re wondering why I gathered you all here tonight,” says Pidge, pacing in front of
the group.
“We do know,” says Coran. “It’s because it’s your birthday.”
“Wrong!” snaps Pidge, clapping their hands together. “It was my birthday Murder Mystery Dinner,
but now it’s been sullied.” Pidge holds up a used-condom held safely by salad tongs. Everyone
gasps at the sight of it.
“Oh gross!” gags Romelle.
“What is this?” asks Hunk. “Is it performance art? I don’t get it.”
Pidge walks along the group in their pin striped green suit, dangling the condom is each person’s
face, causing them to recoil one by one.
“This - which I will henceforth refer to as Exhibit A - was stuck to my shoe.”
Everyone gasps.
“Okay, that’s unsettling,” said Shiro. “I will have a talk with the AirBnB owner.”
“Oh no, Shiro,” said Pidge. “This is not a matter of the cleanliness of this rent-a-mansion. See, the
texture of the spunk… the warmth coming off Exhibit A.”
“No,” said Keith. “Because none of us are getting that close.”
“This condom,” said Pidge, making eye contact with each of them individually, “is fresh.”
The ballroom fills with a chorus of ew’s.
“We don’t have a single couple here tonight,” continues Pidge, “So that begs the question, which of
you two did the deed?”
Everyone looks around.
Allura, dressed in her low cut red cocktail dress, raises her hand. “Maybe we should throw it out
and keep playing the mystery game we were already playing?”
“Sounds like something a person who just got railed would say,” mutters Romelle.
“Oh, I think we know exactly who here would give it up, you… you… Trollop!” snaps Allura.
Romelle gasps.
“Ladies, ladies,” says Pidge, pacing in front of them. “Your accusations are awfully…
heteronormative.” They all gasp. “Afterall, of the men present, two are openly gay and Coran is…
whatever Coran’s sexuality is.”
Everyone’s eyes shift around the room. Lance looks between Keith and Shiro. “Wait… there’s a bit
of a brothercest accusation here that I’m not vibing with.”
“Oh, my fucking god!” snaps Keith, burying his face in his hands.
“Oh, Lance,” says Pidge, shaking their head. They tisk-tisk then add, “There are a finite number of
combinations of partners within this group. The Broganes are not an option.”
“Thanks for saying that much, I guess,” mumbles Shiro.
“No,” says Pidge, sharply. “Of those present, there are ten possible combinations that would
produce Exhibit A.”
“That seems high,” says Hunk.
“Of which, all of you are suspects.”
“What about you?” asks Keith. “Why aren’t you a suspect?”
“Asexual and celibate, Keith. Try to keep up.”
Lance looks around the room, counting. “How ten?”
“You are a suspect in half of the scenarios,” says Pidge. “Five to be exact.”
“What?” gasps Lance. “How slutty do you think I am?”
“How slutty, indeed, Lance?” Pidge gives him a knowing nod. “How… slutty… indeed.”
“Okay, I’m done,” says Allura, standing up. “We came here for a fun game. I don’t have to sit here
while you accuse me of sleeping with Lance!”
“Why are you so offended by that?” cries Lance, voice going all squeaky.
“I agree,” says Romelle. “Whoever got some tonight, good for them, but I’m outtie.”
“Outtie?” repeats Allura, cringing.
“Yeah, outtie. It’s a Clueless party!”
“It’s a Clue party!” corrects Allura.
“Whatever!” says Romelle, holding up her thumbs and forefingers in the shape of a W.
“Oh my god!” says Lance, eyeing up Romelle’s yellow plaid outfit. “Is that why you’re dressed as
Cher Horowitz?!”
“Hell yes, bestie!” cheers Romelle, bouncing with joy. “This is why you’re Dion to my Cher!”
“Lance and Romelle just jumped to the top of the suspect list,” mutters Shiro
“No, stop,” says Allura. “We’re not participating.” Allura heads towards the exit.
“Oh yes, you are,” says Pidge, blocking her. “I am invoking birthday rights!”
“That’s not a real thing!”
“Oh, so on your birthday you didn’t drag us to that Pokemon themed popup cafe that ended up not
being able to get official licensing and had to resort to rebranding as Pocket Cute Monsters Cafe?
AND you didn’t invoke birthday rights to keep us from leaving during a poorly acted skit where
Team Missile tried to kidnap Static Yellow Rat?”
“Dammit,” says Allura, turning around. To herself, she says, “You could still tell who all the
characters were meant to be.”
“That theme song got stuck in my head for months!” says Coran.
“I wanna be top performer, ” sings Pidge.
Everyone, but Allura joins in singing, “Unlike any in recent memory”
“To capture them is my challenge

To instruct them my driving force”
“Okay, stop!” says Allura.
“It didn’t even rhyme and the syllables don’t fit in the tune!” says Keith.
“I know! It’s awful! I’m staying!” She reaches her chair and plops back down, crossing both her
legs and her arms.
“Maybe if you crossed your legs like that earlier, we wouldn’t be playing the most awkward
mystery game ever right now,” mutters Romelle.
“Stop with the cattiness,” snaps Keith. “It’s ugly.”
“Afraid I’ll turn it on you?” asks Romelle, leaning in her chair to look at Keith. “Exactly how loose
is your butthole right now?”
“Tighter than your p -”
“Please!” shouts Pidge. “I am the one conducting this investigation, not you. You don’t have the
brain cells to figure this one out. Especially since one of you had your brains fucked out.”
“... but I’m in five combos?” asks Lance. “Are some of these three ways with girls or…?”
“One of you didn’t have any brain cells to begin with. Now…” Pidge walks over to the chalkboard
they’d been using to figure out the Murder Mystery and erases what they’d written.
Everyone cries out in disapproval.
“Oh c’mon,” pleads Shiro. “We were using teamwork and thought experiments to solve the
mystery!”
“Quit ruining our fun with learning,” snaps Lance.
“Quit ruining our learning with your FunDip stick!” Shiro snaps right back.
Lance gasps. “He has a name! And it’s Lance’s Staff of Wonder.”
“I hope if anyone did fuck Lance, they’re deeply ashamed right now,” mutters Allura.
“Speak for yourself,” says Romelle. “Or did you?”
“She who denies the WAP, supplied the WAP.”
“As if!”
Lance leans over to Coran and asks, “Are they fighting over me or…?”
“Yes, but not in the way you’re hoping,” says Coran, giving Lance a reassuring pat on the
shoulder.
“Silence!” cries Pidge, turning back from the chalkboard. They’ve written out everyone’s names
inside of bubbles and connected those bubbles with lines for potential pairings.
“Look at me,” says Allura. “Only two potential bangs to Romelle’s three.”
“That’s only because you can’t be matched with your uncle. Besides, if you wanna look at the real
slutbag, it’s Lance.”
“Wait me?” asks Lance, pointing at himself and looking around. “Wait...You paired me with
EVERYONE?” gasps Lance.
“You did dress like Hugh Hefner tonight,” says Keith.
Lance adjusts his captain’s hat, then pulls his pipe from his robe pocket and bites it between his
teeth. Through his teeth he mumbles, “Should I be flattered or horrified?”
“Um,” says Hunk, raising his hand with a sheepish look on his face.
“Yes, Hunk?” says Pidge.
“I didn’t have sex with anyone? Can I please be excused from suspicion?”
Pidge inhales, considering Hunk with narrowed eyes. They blow out their breath and say, “I believe
you and yes, you may.” Then they turn and erase Hunk’s name from the board.
“Hey!” cries Lance. “No fair!”
Everyone else's hands shoot up in the air. Pidge ignores them. “Don’t bother. You’re all filthy lying
heathens.”
“Who got Pidge the power trip for their birthday?” asks Keith. “Because I think you should ask for
a refund.”
“How am I,” begins Shiro, still raising his hand, “not above suspicion? I think my track record
shows I’m trustworthy.”
“Normally yes,” says Pidge, “but you’ve been drinking white wine Sangria all night.”
“And?”
“Exhibit B!” says Pidge, holding up their phone.
Everyone leans forward on their chairs, squinting, trying to read the screen. Not making it out, they
start to rise up from their seats.
Pidge pulls back their phone. “Don’t get up, I’ll text it to you.”
A moment later and everyone’s phones begin to buzz or chime. Phones were de-pocketed,
everyone opens up the group chat.
“Exhibit B!” says Pidge, even louder this time. “Shiro, do you recognize this tweet?”
“Yes, it’s mine.”
“So you admit to being the author?”
“Yes, what of it.”
“Will you please read aloud what it says?”
“Must I?” asks Shiro with a pout.
“Your silence will only further my suspicions.”
“What happened to the right to remain silent?”
“Keith, read it for him.”
Keith shrugged, arms crossed over his chest. “I don’t have my phone.”
“Interesting,” hums Pidge. “Did you lose it while being dicked down?”
“I didn’t bring it,” says Keith. “You said this was a historical murder mystery game. I was
avoiding inaccurisms.”
“You? Avoiding inaccurisms?”
“Yeah,” says Keith, shrugging.
“Your jacket’s off, your shoes are off, and your cummerbund is missing!”
Lance snickers to himself, “CUMmerbund…”
“What? I run hot,” grumbles Keith.
“Or you’ve been undressing…”
Romelle leans over and asks Keith, “Do you prefer fashion victim or assemble-y challenged?”
Keith makes a W with his thumb and point fingers and mouths, ‘Whatever.’
“For Squirtle’s sake! I will read the text,” says Allura, standing up. She holds out her phone and
reads: “White wine Sangria makes me DTF.”
“D. T. F,” says Pidge, dramatically. “Down to fuck!”

“I thought it meant Down to Fun!” argues Shiro.
“Wouldn’t you be more DTL?” asks Lance. “Down to Learn.”
“Well, I’m DTUTT,” says Pidge.
Everyone stares in confusion.
“D Tut?” says Keith, speaking carefully, unsure of his words.
“Down to Uncover the Truth!”
“Why is this important?” asks Coran. “Can’t we just leave it alone? It’s private business between,”
he looks down the row of chairs, “whichever two chose to do the deed.”
“Because it’s a mystery!” says Pidge. Right then lightning cracks outside the window.
“Whoa,” says Lance. “Wild timing.”
“And because I have a theory as to who did what to whom and I want to prove I’m right. It’s my
birthday, so we play what I want.”
There’s a collective groan.
Romelle stands up and says, “Whoever is the cumdumpster, stand up and confess.”
“You’re already standing,” mumbles Allura.
Romelle stomps her foot. “This is boring! I don’t wanna play! I thought we were going to dance to
the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and like, give each other makeovers to look like total Bettys and
Baldwins.”
“The Baldwins are so old now,” mumbles Shiro.
“You’re acting guilty by refusing,” mutters Allura.
“That’s cult logic,” scoffs Romelle.
“Doesn’t matter,” says Pidge, turning back to the chalkboard and drawing something new. “If you
are innocent, the process of elimination will… well… eliminate you.”
Romelle sits down and makes a W with her fingers again “What-ever!”
“That reference is going to get old fast,” grumbles Allura.
“Hunk,” says Pidge. “Since you’ve been cleared, come up here and be my Watson.”
“Oh yay!” says Hunk, getting up and joining Pidge by the chalkboard. “I always wanted to be a
sidekick.”
“This,” says Pidge, tapping their drawing with the chalk, “is the layout of the ground floor of our
AirBnB. Hunk, will you label the rooms as I go?”
“Yes, Sherlock,” says Hunk, giving a kick salute. He stands by the board, chalk at the ready.
“Currently, we are in the Ballroom.”

Behind them, Hunk begins scribbling on the board.
“Exhibit A was found on my shoe after returning from the bathroom.”
Scratch-scratch-scratch
“Someone had sex in the bathroom!” declares Coran. “Mystery solved. Hunk, do you need help
preparing dinner?”
“Hold on,” says Pidge. “I also passed through the hall between here and the bathroom, meaning I
could’ve picked it up there.”
“Someone had sex in the hall,” says Shiro, flatly.
“Possible,” says Pidge, “and we’ll call that scenario two. Scenario one is sex in the bathroom, but I
would like to focus on scenario three.”
“What’s that?” asks Keith.
“Scenario three is the sex was had somewhere else and the culprits attempted to dispose of the
condom in the bathroom garbage, but… missed the garbage entirely.”
“That seems unlikely,” says Coran.
“Is it?” asks Pidge pacing. “It’s quite a bit more likely when we consider that the power has been
out since shortly after we arrived, leaving the bathroom in total darkness. And that we’ve all been
drinking steadily since sundown. A drunken disposal of a condom in a pitch black bathroom could
certainly result in a missed slam dunk.”
“That eliminates me,” says Lance, throwing up his arms. “They don’t call me Sharpshooter for
nothing.”
“No one calls you that,” says Keith, sharply.
“If the condom was simply disposed of there,” says Pidge, loudly. “That opens up the potential for
sex anywhere on the main floor.”
Everyone gasps
“Why not the second floor?” asks Keith, still sitting with arms crossed. Still serving attitude. “Why
wouldn’t people have sex in a bedroom? Like normals.”
“Because,” says Pidge, “we all know the stairs are under renovations.”
“But there’s the elevator.”
“Which stopped working once the power went out.”
“Wait!” says Romelle, sitting up straighter. “No one had access to their luggage, so whoever it
was, had a condom on hand.”
Everyone turns to look at Lance. He shrugs. “Every dude carries a rubber in their wallet just in
case.”
“Yes, but you don’t carry a rubber, you carry a roll. And no wallet,” says Romelle, “And you make
me pay for everything!”
“Why are you throwing me under the bus?”
“Because… you’re a very expensive bestie!”
“Produce your roll,” demands Allura.
“Produce my what?” gasps Lance.
“Your roll of condoms!” says Allura. “Let’s see if one’s missing.”
“Okay,” says Lance, sounding skeptical. He pulls it out of his pocket and lets it unravel. It unrolls
until it hits the floor.
“Ewwww!” choruses the entire room.
“What?” gasps Lance.
“That is so many!” says Coran. “Young man, how are your fluids? Are you dehydrated right
now?”
“I didn’t use them,” says Lance, gesturing to the roll.
Pidge shakes their head. “There’s no way to tell if one’s missing. There’s far too many there and
we don’t know how many he started with. It’s a dead end. Instead, let’s continue with the question
of where.” They nod to Hunk, who has the chalk at the ready. “The locations where the deed may
have happened are: The ballroom.”
“Did someone go balls out in the ballroom?” asks Shiro.
“The hall, the kitchen…”
“Did someone toss a sausage into someone’s hallway? Or cook it in the kitchen?”
“The conservatory…”
“This place has a conservatory?” gasps Lance.
“The dining room…”
“Did someone dick down in the dining room?” asks Shiro.
Romelle looks at him and says, “You’re fun when you’re drunk. Stay this way forever.”
“The billiard room…,” continues Pidge.
“Did someone bill someone’s… ard?” asks Shiro, then he shakes his head. “I don’t have a good
one for this one.”
“Dude!” cries Lance
“What?”
“Did someone use their cue stick to sink the eight ball in the corner pocket?”
“Oh, that’s good!” says Shiro, in total awe.
“The library, the lounge, or the study…,” says Pidge.
“Did someone lie on their back in library?” asks Lance, taking over the comedy (as is his
birthright). “Let him lunge into them in the lounge? Or take a stud in the study?”
Scratch-scratch-scratch-scratch-scratch
“What about the cellar?” asks Shiro.
“Fuck no! Spiders!” cries Keith.
“Not everyone is as afraid of tiny little harmless insects as you,” says Coran.
“We can eliminate Keith in the cellar,” says Pidge and Hunk makes a note of that.
“I was nowhere near the cellar. I was in the billiards room,” says Keith, “playing pool by myself.”
Hunk adds Keith’s name to the billiards room.
“Good idea,” says Pidge. “Let’s all go around and give our locations at the time of the incident.
Lance?”
“Yahuh?”
“Where were you?”
“I was in the study,” says Lance, “...studying.”
“Well, he’s lying,” says Allura.
“We all know Lance wasn’t studying,” says Shiro.
“Shiro,” says Pidge, “where were you?”
“I was in the lounge taking selfies.” He thinks again and adds, “and I made a phone call.”
“Which one was it?”
“It was both.”
“With who?” asks Pidge.
“I’d rather not say.” Shiro crosses his arms over his chest.
“Shiro, if you have an alibi, I need a name.”

“I’m not saying.”
Pidge raises their voice and says, “May I remind you, you’re under oath!”
“No, he’s not,” says Allura. “None of us are.”
“Fine,” says Pidge. “So where were you?”
“I was in the conservatory,” says Allura.
“But when I called you into the ballroom, you came from the opposite direction.”
“You didn’t let me finish,” protests Allura. “I was in the conservatory, but then I got hungry, so I
went to the kitchen. Romelle can vouch for me. She was already in there.”
“She was there for the last ten minutes,” says Romelle, “I hadn’t seen her for nearly half an hour
before that.”
Allura glares at Romelle. “That means you were alone too.”
“Hunk was there for quite awhile.”
“But then I left to go down to the cellar,” says Hunk. “I was looking for a good cooking wine.”
“That makes no sense considering the power was out,” says Pidge.
“It’s a gas range stove,” explains Hunk. “I was going to be able to still cook and it was all the more
important considering the fridge contents are rapidly warming.”
“My biggest concern is the ice melting,” says Shiro, clicking the ice around in his glass of sangria.
“Coran,” says Pidge, “you’ve been quiet. Where were you?”
“Why, I was in the dining room,” says Coran. “Someone had set the table for dinner all wrong.
The salad fork and shrimp forks were switched! Shiro saw me enter. I passed him in the hallway.”
“I saw you too!” says Lance, eagerly. “The dining room is across from the study. We both entered
at the same time.”
“That’s what he said,” snickers Shiro.
“Ah yes, now I recall,” says Coran. “After the power went out, we met in the hall and I saw you
turn into the study.”
“Doesn’t prove he stayed there,” says Pidge.
“Where were you?” asks Romelle. “You were missing after the power went out too.”
“I was in the library,” says Pidge, “and I’m the only one not under suspicion. Friends,” says Pidge,
pacing back and forth. “What this investigation serves to establish is which of you two horndogs
did the deed, where it was done, and what was done.”
“Ewwww,” they all groan.
“Why would it be important what was done?” asks Coran. “Can’t we just assume it was done
regularly? Shrimp on the barbie style?”
“Rule of three!” says Pidge, dramatically. “This is Clue afterall so we always have to find out three
things.”
“So, like, the murder weapon?” asks Keith.
“Assuming there was an object involved,” says Allura.
“Or style,” says Pidge, as Hunk adds a big question mark on the blackboard.
“Now, the most likely culprit with an odds of 50/50 is…,” Pidge walks back to the chalkboard and
points at a name. “...Lance.”
“You think I’m some kind of fuckboy. Mama raised me better than that.”
“Did she, Loverboy?” asks Pidge. “Let’s look at the evidence and find out for ourselves. You’ve
been single for a while, correct?”
“Not by choice,” mutters Lance. “I’ve also only had girlfriends, so maybe your board should
reflect that instead of assuming I’d fuck anything that moves?”
“Past relationships do not define sexual attractions,” says Pidge. “But this isn’t about outting
anyone, no. This is about finding out what inconsiderate idiot played hotdog hideaway at my
birthday in a very expensive AirBnB mansion, that I want to get the security deposit back for.”
“No one broke anything!” says Keith, chiming in.
“Ah, so you were one of the two?” accuses Pidge.
“No, I mean collectively,” says Keith, gesturing around the group. “No one at the party broke
anything.”
“That could be true,” says Pidge, “Or not… Which is why I’ll be inspecting the potential crime
scenes for clues. Come along Watson.” Pidge gestures for Hunk to follow them. As they leave they
say, “Afterwards I will interview each of you, beginning with Fuckboy Lance.”
*****
Lance leans back in his chair, propping his arms behind his head. “Looks like tonight, I’m playing
the part of Mr. Boddy-ody-ody.”
“Why are you proud of that?” asks Allura. “You realize Pidge thinks you could’ve fucked anyone,
including my uncle?”
“I don’t know if I feel insulted or relieved that I’m least suspected,” says Coran.
Keith stands up. “We should leave, right? While Pidge is distracted?”
“We can’t,” says Shiro. “It’s their birthday.”
“But this is weird and intrusive!”
“If you’re innocent, you have nothing to hide,” says Shiro.
“That’s police state logic!”
“I say, at this point, we just roll with it,” says Allura. “What are the odds Pidge figures it out and
even then, we’re all friends. We’ve nothing to hide.”
“You’re just siding with Pidge because you want to be able to drag us all back to the Pocket
Monsters Cute Cafe on your next birthday,” says Keith.
Allura shrugs and says, “They give you a free figurine every time you visit. I wish to capture them
completely.”
“Let’s put it to a vote,” says Shiro. “Who thinks we should stay?”
Shiro, Allura, Romelle, and Lance raise their hands.
“Who thinks we should go?”
Keith raises his hand and so does Lance.
“You can’t vote twice, Lance.”
“I’m undecided!” he blurts out. “I object to the nature of the game, but I love being the centre of
attention and for some reason - that I should probably discuss with my therapist - being the prime
suspect is validating me in a way I’ve never felt before.”
“Either way, majority rules,” says Allura. “We let this little scene play out or until Pidge gets bored
and then we return to more important things… like drinking.”
“Let’s drink now,” says Shiro, pouring himself another glass of white wine Sangria. “It’ll make the
time pass faster.”
Thunder cracks and lightning flashes illuminating a figure standing in the doorway. Spooked,
everyone cries out.
“Lance,” says Pidge’s voice, the owner of the creepy silhouette. “I’m ready for you now.”
******
PART TWO
Lance grabs a candelabra to illuminate their way as Pidge leads him down the hall and into the
library.
“Whoa, look at all the books in here,” says Lance. “A man could get some real learning done in
this place.”
“Take a seat, Lance,” says Pidge.
“Okay,” says Lance. There’s a desk near the back of the room, so he carefully sits on the cushy
looking chair placed in front of it.
“Notice you’re having some trouble sitting down there,” says Pidge, sitting on the edge of the
desk. “Feeling a little tender?”
“No, it just looks expensive and I don’t want to break anything.”
“Hmm, better hope you didn’t break anything in the room you were screwing in.”
“I didn’t though,” says Lance, quickly.

“Didn’t break anything?” replies Pidge, just as quickly.
“Didn’t screw.”
“That makes sense,” says Pidge, standing up and strolling over to inspect one of the bookshelves.
“Thank you… wait… What you do mean by ‘that makes sense?’”
“Because you wouldn’t have a chance with anyone here.”
Lance’s jaw drops. “I could!”
“Think about it,” says Pidge. “Romelle is your best friend and you wouldn’t want to jeopardize that
friendship. Allura is way, way, waaaaay out of your league.”
“She is not!”
“Then there’s Keith, your rival. No way he’d lower himself to be with you.”
“I’m pretty hard to resist,” argues Lance.
“So it was Allura or Keith?” asks Pidge, suddenly turning on Lance.
“No - no! It was nobody!”
“Then how do you know you could have either of them?” asks Pidge.
“I - I don’t!”
“So it was Shiro?” accuses Pidge, leaning in over Lance.
“No!
“Coran?” They stuck a finger right in Lance’s face.
“Hell no!” Without realizing it, Lance had gripped the armrests so tightly his knuckles turned
white.
“If you’re innocent, then why do you look so nervous?”
“Because you’re so close to my face and you keep spitting on me!”
Pidge backs off. They walk around the desk and sit behind it. They kick their feet up on top and
lean back. “There is one way to reduce your numbers and drop yourself down from prime suspect
to person of interest.”
“Oh?”
“Say you’re straight,” says Pidge with a shrug.
“You said you weren’t going to out anyone.”
“So you’re not?”
“Pidge!” growls Lance. “How is this fun on your birthday?”
“It’s more fun than I’ve had in years. Now… is there anything you wish to declare in regards to
your sexuality?”
Lance gulps, looks down, and gently shakes his head no.
*******
“Romelle,” says Pidge, standing in the doorway. “You’re next.”
“What-ever.” Romelle gets up and walks across the black and white tiles floor, heels clicking the
entire way.
Lance returns to the group, going straight for the bar cart.
“How was it?” asks Keith.
“Intense,” says Lance, pouring himself a glass of… he’s not sure what. It doesn’t go down
smoothly.
“Why are you so interested, Keith?” asks Allura.
“Because I want to know what we’re in for.”
“You gonna crack?” she asks.
“No, because I have nothing to hide.”
“Then why are you worried?”
“Because you know how Pidge gets when they hyperfixate. We all get caught up.”
“That gives me an idea,” says Allura.
“What?” ask Lance and Keith in unison.
Allura grabs hold of Lance’s wrist and says, “Let’s confess.”
“We - we - we didn’t do anything!” blurts out Lance.
“Who cares who did what with whom and where?” says Allura. “Pidge wants answers, we’ll give
them answers and then we can lay this entire investigation to bed.”
“Why him?” asks Keith, a scowl on his face.
“Because he’s the only one I’m paired with and he also loves attention. I don’t mind going down,
but it’s got to be Lance going down with me.”
“How do we know you’re not guilty and pretending you’re pretending in order to appear
innocent?” asks Shiro. His strange wording seems to stem from his continued drinking.
“Then we’ve already fooled one person,” says Allura. “I think we can fool Pidge.”
“Keith?” says Lance, looking at him.
“Why are you asking for his input?” asks Allura.
“Because…,” says Lance, straining his words. “I’m beautiful, but I’m dumb and I need someone
smarter than me to weigh in, so I know if this is a good idea or not.”
“Do whatever you want,” says Keith, turning and walking away.
“That’s not a yes or a no!” Lance calls after him.
Allura squeezes Lance’s arm and says, “Just let me know.”
******
One by one they’re called into the study to be questioned. Coran is the last one. Afterwards, Pidge
and Hunk return to the ballroom.
“I have an announcement,” says Pidge, strolling back into the room with Hunk hot on their heels.
“Where’s Coran?” asks Allura.
“Coran has been excused as a suspect.” Pidge walks up to Coran’s chair and drags it off to the side.
“Due to medical reasons that eliminate him from suspicion and a strong discomfort with the subject
matter of the game, he’s no longer with us.”
Lance gasps and points an accusing finger at Pidge. “You killed him!”
“No.”
“Then where is he?” asks Shiro. “The roads are flooded. He couldn’t have left.”
“He decided to go work on getting the power back on,” says Pidge.
Keith raises his hand. “Can I also be given a job that isn’t sitting here and waiting to be accused of
sleeping with Lance?”
“Oh my god, that’s right!” gasps Romelle. “Without Hunk or Coran as suspects, that means it has
to be Lance and at least one other person.”
“Correct,” says Pidge, walking behind Lance’s chair. They place their hands on the back, causing
him to shift nervously. “No matter what conclusions have yet to be drawn, one thing is certain,
Lance was involved.”
“I wasn’t!” cries Lance.
“Can it, loverboy. Your guilt has already been established beyond a reasonable doubt.”
“The question is… who was he with?” aks Shiro.
“And where and what,” adds Pidge. They pace back to the front of the room. From their pocket
they retrieve a dark blue envelope. “In this envelope I have the answers.”
Everyone gasps.
“So someone confessed?” asks Keith, giving Allura the side eye.
“No,” says Pidge, “but from your testimonies and the evidence I gathered while inspecting the
other possible locations of the crime, it was fairly easy for me to piece together what happened.”
“Well,” says Romelle, with a shrug. “Don’t leave us in suspense. Open the envelope.”
Pidge looks at the envelope, then tucks it away inside their coat pocket. “What fun would that be?”
“None of this is fun,” says Keith, darkly.
“I’m going to give you all an opportunity to provide your own theories and make your own
accusations in hopes of proving your own innocence.”
“At least we’ll be using our brains,” says Shiro.
“Am I allowed to present theories?” asks Lance.
“No,” say everyone in unison.
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
*******
The cage of the elevator is drawn across the opening and secured shut.
“Damn, no lock,” mumbles Pidge.
“That wouldn’t exactly be safe,” says Lance, leaning his arms through the cage-like metal door
where he’s been shut inside. The metal elevator sits in the mansion’s main hall and probably hasn’t
been safety checked in the last hundred years.
“Silence, fornicator,” says Pidge. They turn to the rest of the group. “Alright, does anyone have any
theories?
Allura raises her hand. “I’ll go first.”
She walks down the hall and the others begin to trail after.
“Wait!” says Lance. “You’re not seriously leaving me in here, are you?”
“Here you go, buddy,” says Hunk, slipping a beer bottle through the opening in the bars.
“Aw thanks Hunk,” says Lance, oozing gratitude.
“And when it’s empty, you can pee in it.”
Pushing that grossness aside... “You believe I’m innocent, right?
Hunk scratches the back of his neck. “Uh, well… sure. I better go catch up to everyone else. I’m
taking notes for Pidge.”
******
Holding out her phone as a flashlight, Allura leads everyone into the kitchen. Keith trails along at
the back of the pack, not interested in this ridiculous ‘figure out who Lance’s flavour of the week
is’ game.
The kitchen is lit with candles from when the blackout first happened. Allura walks to the centre
island of the kitchen. She places her hands on the marble, facing away from the group. All of a
sudden, she turns around and points the light from her flashlight directly in Romelle’s face.
“J’accuse!” she cries.
Romelle winces and puts her hands up to protect her eyes from the light. “Help! I am being
personally attacked!”
“Do you accuse or suggest?” asks Pidge.
“Huh?” says Allura, confused.
“You only get one accusation and if you get it wrong, you’re out of the game,” explains Hunk.
“You can suggest as many times as you want.”
“Fine,” says Allura, rolling her eyes. “I suggest Romelle was the one to get absolutely railed in the
kitchen.”
“Okay,” says Pidge, nodding along. “That’s a who and where, but what about the what?”
“What what?” asks Allura.
“What sex act?”
“Ah…” says Allura walking towards Romelle. “To understand that, we need to set the scene…”
She does a lap around Romelle. “It’s true Romelle wasn’t alone for the first twenty minutes, but
when Hunk went down to the cellar, she was wide open…”
“But Lance wasn’t here,” protests Romelle.
“No, but the study is only two rooms over.”
“Coran would’ve seen him leave,” protests Romelle, “he would’ve walked by the dining room.”
“I love my uncle, but he hasn’t been a part of this reality since a bad batch of acid at Woodstock.
Not the one in 69’ either. The 99’ festival.”
“Ew,” says Keith.
“So Lance enters and finds Romelle here,” says Allura, leaning against the counter. By the door.
“Futilly attempting to charge her phone in a wall socket that supplies no power. From behind he
witnesses -”
“He would be beside her,” corrects Pidge. “The door is beside that counter.”
“Right,” says Allura, fumbling. “But he’d circle to the back, without her noticing. And when he
does, what does he see?”
“Nothing because the power is out?” suggests Keith.
“Wrong,” says Allura, “by candle light, he sees that short little plaid shirt, just barely hiding her
matching panties.”
Romelle gasps. “How the hell would you know my panties match?”
Everyone shares a look. Keith rolls his eyes.
“Everytime you’ve bent down, we’ve seen them,” says Allura. “And it’s been driving him mad, yet
there’s nothing he could do about it. But this time, in this context you are finally alone together.”
“I can’t picture it,” says Keith, moodily.

“Romelle, will you stand in for yourself?” suggests Pidge.
“No.”
“Birthday…”
“Fine.”
Romelle goes and leans her elbows down on the counter. Her bent over posture does ride that skirt
up at the back. Keith looks away.
“Lance approaches from behind,” says Allura, stalking closer.
A song lyric comes to mind, ‘Hike up your skirt a little more and show me your world…’
Call it a defence mechanism brought on by the fear of hearing a description of Keith’s beloved
Lance - yeah, he’s in love with Lance and it’s a secret and one sided - doing anything dirty
involving someone else. Or maybe Keith is a perv and prone to fantasies of Lance, but everything
Allura describes, Keith pictures, but with himself in the place of Romelle.
Keith wearing that short plaid yellow skirt. He’s embarrassed in it, at first. Until he notices Lance
looking…
“Lance sees this view,” says Allura. “Yellow panties showing, teasing him… enticing him… He’s
drawn to it.” Allura steps up to Romelle and presses herself to Romelle’s back.
No… Lance presses himself to Keith…
“Fucking tease,” whispers Lance, hands sliding up Keith’s bare thighs.
“What are you gonna do about it?” hisses Keith.
Lance fingers hook the waistband of the panties and tug them down. The fabric slides just to mid
thigh, leaving his legs trapped together.
“Then he rips off one of those condoms from that ridiculously long roll in his pocket,” says Allura.
“Opens it up and rolls it onto his middle and pointer fingers…”
“Why his fingers?” asks Pidge.
“Because that is the what,” says Allura. “Lance takes those dirty little fingers and slides them…”
“...right into your pretty little asshole,” hums Lance. He presses his fingers inside of Keith. Both at
once, intruding on him. Lance thrusts and twists and curls his fingers, undoing Keith from the
inside. Making him lay his head…
“...on the marble of the counter, giving into ecstasy,” says Allura, putting a hand on the back of
Romelle’s head and pushing her down against the counter.
“Okay, this is bordering on problematic,” complains Romelle. Allura releases her and she stands up
and adjusts her skirt.
“Interesting,” says Pidge, “but one thing doesn’t add up. Anyone know what?”
“Oh, oh!” says Hunk, raising his hand. “The condom you found had, uh, it had a deposit of uh…”
“Spunk,” says Keith, darkly.
“Or appeared that way,” says Allura, “but what you thought was spunk was actually…” Allura
opens the cupboard above Romelle’s head, forcing her to duck. Then Allura pulls out a jar of…
“Coconut oil. Used as an anal lubricant and, when the condom’s removed from the fingers, it’s
turned inside out and tied off. The residual coconut oil appears to look like spunk.
“Lance leaves the kitchen before Hunk returns from the cellar, walks to the bathroom, and attempts
to throw the condom out, but misses and leaves it on the floor. Sadly, if he’d just hit the garbage
can, we could still be having fun instead of doing this.”
“None of this is true,” says Romelle, waving her finger in Allura’s face. “None of it. It’s a frame
job.”
“It’s just a suggestion, not an accusation. Romelle in the kitchen with anal fingering.”
“What-ever.” Romelle turns to Pidge and raises her hand. “I wanna go next!”
“Lead the way,” says Pidge.
*******
Romelle, unsurprisingly, leads them to the conservatory - where Allura said she was during the
start of the blackout - but for some reason, she stops in the doorway, blocking everyone from
entering.
“Nevermind,” she says, turning back. “Let’s go to the lounge.”
“Okay,” says Pidge, suspicion in their voice.
They file back through the hallway, passing by Lance inside the elevator.
“Hey! Hey!” calls out Lance, sticking his arm through the bars to wave. “Are you letting me out?”
Everyone ignores him as they follow Romelle past him.
“Keith! Keith!” calls out Lance, trying to get his attention because Keith is trailing at the back of
the group.
“I don’t have time for this, Lance,” says Keith, walking past him without making eye contact. Out
of the corner of his eye, he thinks he sees Lance’s face fall, but it’s hard to tell in the dim light.
Keith catches up with the rest of them inside the lounge. Again this room has been lit with candles
from when Shiro was in here earlier. The room is filled with couches, chairs, and loveseats, so
most of them sit. Romelle, however, stays standing and takes a lap around the room.
“I suggest the culprit is… Shiro!”
“My drink is empty,” says Shiro, staring at his empty wine glass. “Can I be excused to go fill it?
Wait… did you say my name?”
“Yeah, drunkie,” says Keith. “That’s why we’re in the lounge.”
“Exactly where Lance filled you,” says Romelle.
“Oh, c’mon,” says Shiro, shaking his head. “Lance is like a little brother to me. Besides, I would
never because Keith -” Keith’s eyes widen and his nostrils flare. As drunk as Shiro is, he seems to
catch on and change gears. “Keith… would know about it because we have no secrets.”
“Maybe Keith does know about it,” says Romelle, turning on Keith. “Maybe he’s an accomplice
and helped cover it up!”
“We’re not looking for accomplices here,” says Pidge. “We’re looking for who, where, and what.”
“Fine. Shiro in the lounge with… a leather kink and… nipple play.”
Allura and Hunk gasp. Keith cringes. Pidge remains stoic.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Shiro.
“Oh really,” says Romelle. She stomps right up to him, grabs hold of the front of his button up and
tears it open.
“Hey!” says Shiro, protectively crossing his arms over his chest. “This is bordering on
problematic!”
“I’ll allow it,” says Pidge.
Romelle grabs hold of Shiro’s wrists and pries his arms apart. What Keith sees, he’s not prepared
for. Underneath Shiro’s shirt is a leather harness, criss crossing over his chest, with little metal
rings framing his nipples.
“Ah ha!” cries Romelle, pointing at the very thing everyone is already staring at.
“How did you know?” gasps Shiro, pulling his shirt back together and gripping the fabric in his
fist.
“Your excellent posture lets the outline show through the fabric of your shirt,” says Romelle.
“And, when we gathered in the ballroom, your nipples were extra perky, as if someone had been
tweaking them.”
“I can’t listen to this,” says Keith, standing up. “I’ll wait outside.”
“Stop!” orders Pidge. “I can’t have you going and contaminating potential crime scenes!”
“Where can I go then?” asks Keith, annoyed.
“You can go in the cage with Lance. And by cage I mean the elevator.”
Keith sits back down. He takes his Airpods out of his pocket and pops them into his ears. He turns
the volume way up on his music to avoid hearing Romelle describe a hypothetical sexual encounter
between Keith’s love and his brother.
Because he can still see her acting out the scene, bending an imaginary body over the fainting
couch, Keith squeezes his eyes shut.
‘Give to me your leather

Take from me my lace’
As it always goes when Keith’s mind has time to wonder, a new sexual fantasy with Lance plays
out like a music video inside his brain.
This time it’s Lance who’s got a visible harness under his shirt, but Keith doesn’t let him keep it on
for long. He tears that shirt off and discards it by dramatically throwing it into the fireplace,
burning it up.
Keith dances his fingers along the leather straps, leading him to the goldmines that are Lance’s
nipples. Lance is ticklish of course and he tries to squirm away, that’s when Keith locks him down.
He pinches those nipples until Lance’s pain gives into pleasure, causing him to moan out.
“Shhh, they’ll hear you, you dirty…”
“...little slut!” shouts Romelle.
One of Keith’s Airpods has slipped out at the most inconvenient time and he accidentally opens
his
“I didn’t do any of that!” says Shiro. He pushes Romelle off, who had him bent over the armrest of
the loveseat.
“Then what were you doing in here?” demands Romelle.
“Didn’t you say you also made a call?” asks Pidge.
“A brief call,” says Shiro.
“And what did you do with the rest of the half hour?”
“What I always do when wine gets me silly. I was taking selfies in my costume. I have the photos
to prove it!” Shiro takes out his phone. “Oh… it just died.”
“No alibi!” says Romelle. “ Shiro in the lounge with leather kink and nipple play.” She flops down
on the loveseat in triumph and kicks her feet up on the coffee table. She manages to knock over a
pile of books that have been oddly stacked by the edge of the table.
“Is that all you got?” asks Shiro.
“That's all I need!”
“So are you making an accusation?” asks Pidge, holding up the blue envelope.
“Oh, no… I’m not ready for that kind of commitment.”
“Typical,” mutters Allura.
“Excuse me?” gasps Romelle.
“Anyone else want a turn?” asks Pidge. “Keith?”
“No thank you,” says Keith, frowning.
“Go ahead, Keith,” says Romelle. “Call Allura a cum dumpster.”
“Hard pass.”
“I’ll go,” says Shiro, raising his hand.
“Okay, but first…” says Hunk, pointing at Shiro’s open shirt and leather harness.
“Oh right,” says Shiro, buttoning up his shirt.
*******
Out into the hall they file. Keith sticks close to Allura and kinda shields himself. The result is
Lance doesn’t call out to him this time, but Allura.
“‘Lura! ‘Lura! You gotta get me out of here!” cries Lance. “I’m not meant for doing hard time!”
“You’re not even locked in,” she snaps, strolling by him.
“I didn’t think so either, but when I tried to open it, something bent and now it’s jammed or
somethin’.”
“You’re fine,” she says, walking away.
“I’m not! I’m ready to make that deal now!” Lance yells. Keith frowns. Of course he’d be fine
telling everyone he slept with Allura. “Just let me out!”
“My offer has already expired!” Allura snaps back, moodily.
Keith is grateful for Allure retracting her offer. With no hope of getting out, Lance starts shaking
the bars. Keith winces, listening to the rattling of the elevator as he follows Shiro and the others
into… the billiard room - the place where Keith was when they were all separate.
Oh fuck no…
Shiro turns to Keith with pleading eyes and says, “I’m sorry, Keith.”
“Holy shit, Shiro!” yells Keith. “Are you seriously going to accuse me?”
“There’s no one else left.”
“There’s Allura!” shouts Keith, gesturing to her.
“I’m sorry, but… Lance and Allura? I just don’t see it,” says Shiro, shaking his head.
“I am way out of his league,” agrees Allura.
“But you can see me and Lance?”
“Yeah,” says Shiro. “Can’t you?”
“No…,” says Keith, backing away towards the door. “And, I was in here playing pool alone.”
“Then why are there two pool cues off the wall?” asks Shiro.
“And cash on the table!” says Romelle, walking up to the edge of the pool table and pointing at a
small stack of bills. “As if you were betting on a game.”
“Hey,” says Shiro, glaring at Romelle. “This is my turn.”
“I’ll allow it,” says Pidge.
“What?”
“Unless this is an accusation, then you’re free to go it alone.”

Shiro sighs. “No, it's just a suggestion.”
“Then others are free to jump in.”
“Good,” says Allura from across the room. “Because I just found something.”
Lightning flashes outside the window.
******
Is Lance a bad person?
That’s what he’s been asking himself since he got locked in the clink. No one was speaking to him.
Keith especially wants nothing to do with him. This game isn’t fun. Nope. Not at all.
Not when it has him questioning his own morals.
Is there really something wrong with having lots of sex? Or, is he doing it the wrong way? A way
that gives everyone the right to judge him. Or worse… gets someone hurt.
“Worst Pidge’s birthday ever,” mumbles Lance.
The sound of thunder startles him and he stumbles back to hit the back of the cage.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck,” cries Lance. “It’s a lightning storm and I’m surrounded by metal!”
******
“Look at this,” says Allura, standing by the bookshelf in the corner. “See how it’s slightly
separated from the wall here?”
Keith’s frozen like a deer in headlights. At the last second, he remembers he needs to act innocent
and follows the others as they approach.
“I wonder what happens if I…” Allura takes hold of the edge of the bookshelf and pulls. The whole
thing swings open like a door. Just like Keith knew it would…
“It’s a secret passage!” gasps Shiro.
“Let’s see where it leads,” says Allura, with a grin. She flicks on the flashlight on her phone and
off they go.
“I’m gonna hang back,” says Keith.
“Suspish,” says Romelle.
“Dude, that looks like spider city!”
“No need,” says Allura. “Pidge and I will inspect this one, because I have a funny feeling this
heads right to the study.” Those two disappear into the dark passageway.
Hunk, Shiro, and Romelle are all left just staring at Keith.
Keith shrugs. “What? Maybe Lance came over and we played pool and bet on it. That’s all that
happened.”
“IT LEADS TO THE STUDY!” comes Allura’s voice, echoing down the passage.
“Wow,” says Shiro, shaking his head. “This accusation was a shot in the dark, but now I’m
thinking I’m on to something. I’m also a little disappointed I wasn’t in the know earlier.”
“Hold on,” says Romelle. “If this wasn’t a serious suggestion, did you think I actually got fingered
in the kitchen?”
Shiro shrugs and Romelle gasps.
“You thought it was me!”
“Lance came through here,” says Allura, returning. “That’s why the secret passage was ajar.”
“And the money is still on the table,” says Romelle.
“And there’s two pool cues,” adds Shiro.
“All innocent things!” argues Keith, his voice cracking in the most embarrassing way.
“Let’s set the scene,” says Allura, grabbing hold of Keith and directing him up to the table and
handing him a pool cue. “Keith is playing by himself, when Lance comes stumbling out of the
secret passage, because if we all know one thing about Lance…”
“He loves a secret passage!” say Romelle and Shiro in unison.
“Of course!” continues Romelle. “That’s why I can’t take him to the library anymore because he
pulls out every single book looking for secret passageways.”
“He was also interested in the books inside the library,” says Hunk, piping in.
Pidge shushes him, “Stay neutral.”
“Aw but… this looks fun,” says Hunk.
“Fine,” says Pidge, “go on.”
Hunk happily joins Shiro, Romelle, and Allura as they pose Keith near the table.
“Lance immediately mocks your ability to sink balls,” says Shiro, “before he sinks his balls into
you.” He laughs at his own joke, then continues, “and being crazy competitive when it comes to
Keith, Lance suggests they play for money.”
“Keith isn’t expecting Lance to actually be good at pool,” says Hunk, excitedly. “But Lance has
surprisingly good aim.”
“At which point,” says Allura. “Lance offers to show Keith a few pointers.” Allura presses herself
to Keith’s back.
Keith, feeling awkward by the attention, goes into his mind…
‘Sink the pink, it’s the fashion…’
He’s bent over the table, lining up his shot with Lance pressed right against him. His body
envelopes him, hands sliding down Keith’s arms to find his hands.
“Eyes on the prize,” says Lance, his voice soft in Keith’s ear. “Draw back slowly, make ‘em wait
for it… and then, when the tension is just right…” Lance guides Keith into jutting the cue forward.
“Bang…” The white ball knocks into the purple one and rolls it into the pocket.
Neither of them moves though. Keith can feel Lance’s hardness pressing into his ass. He twists his
head back, cheek to check with Lance. Lance’s hand takes his chin and pulls Keith into a kiss.
It’s light and teasing, until Keith loses patience. He spins in Lance’s arms, leaving his pool cue
sitting forgotten on the table. Better angled, their kissing grows deeper. Keith opens his mouth and
feels Lance sweep his tongue inside.
Lance is so hard, so eager, pressing against Keith. He grabs underneath Keith’s knee and lifts up a
leg, using that leverage to grind his hardness against Keith’s own arousal.
Lance’s hands find Keith’s ass. Moment’s later, he pushes it further and slides his hands down the
back of Keith’s pants, squeezing his bare ass.
“Do you think we have time?” asks Lance, somewhat out of breath.
Keith is already pulling the ridiculously long roll of condoms out of Lance’s back pocket.
“Wanna bet how many times we can do it before they come looking for us?” asks Keith.
Lance gets a cute, flustered look on his face. It passes quickly as he kisses Keith again. It’s just a
teaser though, as soon he’s turning Keith around to face the pool table and undressing him from
behind. Keith had already ditched his blazer to play, but Lance removed his cummerbund and then
his belt. Keith kicks his shoes off underneath the table.
“I found Keith’s missing shoes,” says Hunk, ducking under the pool table.
“I told you I get hot!” snaps Keith.
Keith lets Lance get his pants off, before turning on him and spinning them to switch their
positions. He’s glad Lance ditched the robe to play pool, but he wants him to keep the Captain’s
hat on.
Keith presses himself to Lance’s backside and slides his hands up underneath Lance’s shirt, feeling
his abs. Lance shivers, so ticklish. Keith lets his hands drift down. It’s his turn to take off Lance’s
pants. He’s craving something and he doesn’t care about what Lance has planned. He guides
Lance’s leg up onto the edge of the pool table.
“I was gonna put you in this position,” confesses Lance.
“Keith here, Lance there,” says Romelle, pointing to the spots against the pool table.
“No, reverse that,” disagrees Allura. “Keith eats Lance’s ass.”
“You’re more flexible,” says Keith, lowering himself to his knees. He takes hold of the back of
Lance’s shirt and folds it up to get the best possible access to Lance’s perfect ass. If he’d have
time, he’d play with it, worship it, kiss every inch of it, but who knows how much privacy they’ll
have?
Keith parts Lance’s cheeks and dives in for a lick across his cute little asshole. Lance shivers,
overstimulated. Keith grips tight on the flesh of his cheeks and doesn’t let him squirm away. After a
few more licks, Lance relaxes and a moment later he’s mewing like a kitten.
Keith is painfully hard. He’s tempted to jerk off while he eats out Lance, but he wants to save
himself for better things. Instead he takes hold of Lance’s big thick cock. It’s tucked up against the
edge of the pool table, looking so tempting with beads of precum on the tip. Keith uses the precum
to slick up Lance’s dick before stroking it as he continues to lick Lance’s ass.
“Keith gave Lance a rusty trombone,” says Shiro.
“A what?” ask the others in unison.
“Clearly none of you are gay men. It’s when you, well…”
“Don’t get shy on us now, drunkie,” says Allura.
“Yeah, if I had to have my fingered asshole described, you can tell us what a rusty trombone is,”
agrees Romelle.
“A rusty trombone is when you eat the guy’s ass and reach around to jerk him off at the same
time.”
Romelle mimics jerking off a dick that’s a foot in front of her face. “Oh yeah, I get it. Like playing
a trombone.”
“Why is it rusty?” asks Hunk.
“If you have to ask, you’ll never know,” says Shiro.
“Jesus Keith,” swears Lance. “You gonna finger me already?”
“You gonna let me in?” asks Keith, smoothing the pad of his finger across Lance’s asshole. He
gets so tight when he’s nervous. Keith sticks his pointer finger in his mouth to coat it with spit. He
then teases against Lance’s asshole until he can push it inside. “Tight as always.”
“We can’t all have wide gaping assholes like you.”
“The better to take your big fat cock with,” teases Keith. The thought of getting fucked by Lance is
so appealing, but so is fucking Lance. Choices… choices. Why not both?
Once that first finger goes in, Lance opens up quickly. That’s good, because Keith’s patience is
wearing thin. Keith stands and retrieves the condom he’d ripped from Lance’s roll. While Keith
gets the condom on, Lance reaches back to finger himself, supposedly to open up more, but he
looks like he’s just getting off on it. Keith has to stop for a moment and just watch how damn sexy
Lance is, rocking himself back onto his fingers. Eventually, Keith stops him and rubs his dick
against Lance’s hole.
“Is that a pool cue or are you just happy to see me?” asks Lance, giggling.
Keith snickers. He ducks his head and spits once, twice hitting the mark of Lance’s reddening hole
each time. Keith pushes inside. Lance stiffens up. He’s still new at this, still fresh. His anal
virginity was given up to Keith only recently, afterall.
“Relax,” Keith reminds him.
Lance takes a deep breath, then exhales. Keith feels the difference inside of him as he relaxes. He’s
free to push in further, filling Lance right up.
“Fuck,” mutters Lance. “Blue balls, anal pocket.”

Keith rolls his eyes. He’d say something snarky, but he’d rather just draw back and snap his hips
forward. Lance cries out.
“Shhhh,” says Keith. He now has the perfect excuse to cover Lance’s mouth.
He transitions to rolling his hips gently, giving him a nice leisurely fuck, more sutable for Lance’s
amature status. Lance’s moans vibrate against Keith’s hand.
It feels so fucking good…
“What if that door opened right now?” whispers Keith. Lance’s head twists to look at the door to
the hallway. “What would they think seeing my dick in your ass?”
Lance’s moan is so loud, Keith’s hand can’t muffle it. He cums against the wood of the pool table.
“So predictable,” Keith teases. He loosens up himself, letting his thrusts get deeper. The sound of
their skin slapping together fills the room. Keith loves the slight sting of his balls smacking against
Lance’s thigh. It doesn’t take much longer until Keith feels himself on the edge of orgasming.
How can he not? It’s Lance. He’s fucking Lance.
He cums quick and hard, dropping his head against Lance’s shoulder and groaning. He could just
stay like this, snuggled up inside Lance, pressed against his body.
It’s Lance who starts moving, twisting so Keith slips out of him. He gives Keith a kiss on the lips
and says, “You know I have to pay you back for that, right?”
“Pay me back for what?” asks Keith, as he removes the condom and ties it off.
“Fucking my brains out,” says Lance. He pulls him up against him and starts tugging at Keith’s
shirt to remove it. Keith quickly drops the used condom on the edge of the pool table.
“Residue.” says Allura, pointing her phone flashlight at the spot where Keith had just pictured the
condom. She moves the beam to the side of the pool table where he envisioned Lance unloading.
“More residue. If this were a blacklight, these spots would be lighting up like a Christmas tree.”
“Hang on,” says Romelle, circling the pool table. “That doesn’t explain why the balls are all off
towards the edges of the table?”
“That’s just where I left them when Pidge called us to the ballroom,” says Keith, shoulders up high,
arms crossed.
“Obviously,” says Romelle, “but it’s an odd configuration for a game and look!” She points to the
felt in the centre of the table. “The grain is raised and scuffed. That doesn’t happen from game
play.”
“That looks like knee prints to me,” says Shiro.
“Shiro!” snaps Keith.
“You climbed up on the table, didn’t you?” Romelle accuses.
‘Gimme water, gimme wine

Gonna show you a good time’
Lance pulls off his shirt and hops his butt onto the table. He scooches back until he’s in the center,
displacing balls along the way.
“You break it, you bought it,” says Keith. “And you can’t afford it.”
“These old billiard tables are sturdy.”
“I meant my asshole,” says Keith. “You look like you’re going to pick a stupid position.”
“Creative position,” corrects Lance. “I like to think of my fucking as an experience.”
Keith kneels in the middle of the pool table and lays his chest down on the felt to give Lance the
best possible angle to work with.
It’s easy to open Keith up and he kinda hates that Lance is right about his gaping asshole
comment. It’s all for his benefit though, not everyone can take a cock like Lance’s anally. In fact,
no one else has ever before, which has Lance more than a little obsessed with Keith’s ass.
Lance has this habit of measuring his dick along Keith’s ass every time before they start, laying his
cock along it to see how far it’ll be inside Keith. Of course, it’s at an angle that Keith can’t see and
wouldn’t know how big Lance is compared to Keith’s body. At least he didn’t know until Lance
sneakily took a pic once and sent it to Keith at the most inopportune time.
“It’s the same as always,” says Keith, feeling Lance lay his dick along his ass.
“No, I think it got bigger.”
“Your dick or my ass?”
“Both.”
“So they stayed the same?”
“You’re no fun,” says Lance as he teasingly grinds himself against Keith.
“I’m a lot of fun,” corrects Keith. “What do you think fucking is? Homework?”
“Don’t make this about learning,” says Lance. He’s forgotten a condom and has to crawl off the
table to get another condom from his roll.
Keith sits up to watch him. “You ever going to reach the end of that thing?”
“With your help I will,” says Lance, with a wink and a cocky grin.
Keith wants to fuck that mouth. But not as much as he wants Lance to fuck him. Keith leans his
chest back down on the felt, wiggling his ass like he’s begging for it. He really can’t help being
this pathetic. It is Lance, afterall.
He’s only mildly horrified when Lance decides to stand over him facing the wrong way.
Yep… stupid position…
Keith looks back over his shoulder and watches Lance squat down and bend his dick to point
down. With careful aim, he enters Keith like this.
He really does think he can take Keith any way he wants, anywhere…
He’s not wrong. Keith loves being Lance’s sex doll equally as much as he loves fucking Lance
himself. And any angle that Lance enters him at, feels amazing with that stretch.
Lance bends and straightens knees to fuck down into him. Keith loses all interest in watching and
lays his head against the felt. He can’t fucking believe it, but Lance found a deeper angle.
Holy fuck… Keith is filled!
His knees actually quake. It’s too good… it’s too good… he’s drooling directly onto the…
“The felt has a drool stain on it!” says Romelle pointing.
“How do you know what dried drool on a pool table looks like?” asks Shiro.
“Have you never been in a ‘drooling on a pool table’ situation?” asks Romelle, with a judgement
scoff. “That’s sad.”
Shiro looks sheepish, then says. “I’m too heavy for a pool table…”
“Ready to break this thing?” asks Lance. He hopes he means the pool table and not Keith’s body…
Lance pulls out and Keith stifles a whimper. He was barely present while getting fucked that deep,
just completely lost in the pleasure.
Lance turns around to face the same way as Keith, but he stays on his feet. He squats down again
and pushes back inside. Lance takes hold of him by the waist, in order to keep balance, then he
starts thrusting quickly. Keith feels like an animal being mounted and ridden.
Lance fucks him fast with quick snaps of his hips. Keith hates the word, but it’s true that getting
fucked by Lance is an experience. He does not let up. He fucks like it’s his last meal.
Oh, but Keith likes it like that. He likes to be hungrily devoured.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” mumbles Keith, because it’s so fucking intense.
“You’re too fucking easy,” snickers Lance. He stands and slips out of Keith.
Frustrated that Lance wants to change positions when he was so close, Keith pushes back to his
knees. He watches Lance lay himself down on his back and stretch out, knocking a few stray balls
out of the way.
“Let’s see you work for it,” says Lance, propping up his head with his arms.
“What happened to being fast before we get caught?” asks Keith, crawling over to straddle Lance.
Lance smirks. “Screw it, let’s get…”
“They would’ve gotten caught,” says Shiro. “Someone would’ve overheard them.”
“No, no, no,” says Allura, raising up her head from where she’s laying on top of the pool table.
“The felt absorbs sound.”
“Plus these walls are thick,” says Romelle. She’s straddling Allura’s hips, playing the part of
Keith.
“So thick,” moans Keith, bouncing on Lance’s dick.

“Fuck yeah,” moans Lance. He latches on to Keith’s ass and holds him in place. His demand that
Keith take control naturally doesn’t last. Lance loves Keith’s tight hole too much. He can’t stop
himself from having his own fucking way with Keith.
Keith’s just along for the ride, jerking himself off nice and slow to contrast the dick jackhammering
his ass. As much as he wants to get off to the fat, delicious cock rearranging his insides, he wants
to prolong it too, delay the moment when they break apart, wipe up, and return to the others like
nothing ever happened.
“You gonna cum all over me?” wheezes Lance. “You gonna tighten around my big cock?”
Shit… so much for delaying. A little bit of dirty talk has Keith doing exactly what he's told. He
tightens his grip around his cock and Lance’s too. He feels like a fucking fire hydrant, bursting and
glistening on a sunny day. Just gorgeous, cumming all over Lance’s chest.
“Fuck, you’re so fucking hot,” swears Lance. He arches his back, thrusting up into Keith, getting
off right after.
Keith can’t resist leaning down and kissing him. Lance wraps his arms around Keith’s neck and
pulls him closer, kissing him passionately. Their post-coital makeout squishes Keith’s cum between
them.
“Come to think of it,” says Allura, pushing up onto her elbows. “I’m not comfortable lying here.”
“Me neither,” says Romelle, climbing off. “I’m totally buggin’.”
Allura moves to her knees and directs her phone flashlight’s beam towards the spot where she’d
been lying. “Are you all seeing what I’m seeing?”
“Rhymes with schmesidue,” says Shiro.
All at once, Romelle, Shiro, and Allura shout, “I’d like to make an accusation!”
In that very moment, the power comes back on, the entire room lighting up from the chandelier
overhead.
PART FOUR
“Coran got the power back o- !” says Hunk. He’s interrupted by a blood curdling scream!
“Lance!” gasps Keith, recognizing the pitch.
He runs from the room, the other’s in tow. He makes it to the hall to see the elevator is heading up
with Lance screaming inside.
“It just started moving!” cries Lance, looking down at the group. “Make it stop!”
Keith turns to the panel and presses the button to call the elevator back down. Slowly, it descends
again.
“Thank you, thank you,” cries Lance, as he lowers, “Please let me out now, I’m ready to confess!”
“No way!” says Romelle, as Keith shakes his head. “We’re about to make our accusation and
win!”
“Please, I wanna come clean!” begs Lance as the elevator reaches the ground floor, putting him at
eye level with Keith. He tries to open the elevator, but it is indeed jammed shut and Lance is stuck
in there. “The truth is - ”
Panicking, Keith sticks his arm inside the cage and slams the up button. The elevator begins to rise
again.
“No! No!” cries Lance. “I don’t like elevators I can see through! I’m seriously freaking out! Keith,
I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Everyone turns to look at Keith. Pidge leans forward and punches the button to summon the
elevator again. Lance begins to lower again, babbling the whole way.
“It was us! Me and Keith! In the billiards room! One way and then other!”
Keith feels his cheeks burning bright red. How does he launch this elevator into space, Willy
Wonka style?”
“Keith must’ve left the condom in the bathroom,” says Lance, speaking quickly as he lowers. “I
dropped the one I used inside one of the pockets on the pool table. I thought I was being sneaky,
but in retrospect it’s super gross that I did that.” The elevator lands back on the main floor. “I’m
sorry, Pidge, for ruining your birthday party. I’m sorry, Keith, for telling everyone we’re dating. I
know you wanted to keep it quiet.”
“Wait…,” says Keith, his voice squeaking. “We’re dating?”
Now it’s Lance’s turn to go red. “I - I thought we were.”
“I thought we were just hooking up,” says Keith. “‘Cause you’re…” a fuckboy “...straight?”
“I’m not straight,” says Lance, quickly. He gives the elevator bars a shake, trying to get out. “But if
you don’t wanna be my boyfriend -”
“I wanna be your boyfriend!” says Keith. He grabs hold of the elevator bars so fast, the cage
rattles, scaring Lance.
“Oh thank god!” blurts out Lance, “because I think everyone already knows about us, so might as
well, right?”
Keith reaches through the bars, grabs hold of Lance’s shirt, and pulls him in for a kiss. It’s
awkward kissing between the bars, but it’s the best kiss of Keith’s life. Lance isn’t a fantasy, he’s
his boyfriend!
“Welp, mystery solved,” says Shiro, brushing his hands together. “Keith and Lance in the billiard
room with a rusty trombone.”
“Exactly what I was about to accuse them of,” says Allura.
“You mean, what I was going to accuse them of,” says Romelle.
“Sure,” says Allura with an awkward laugh. “You, me… whoever says it. Let’s, um, not bother
with the envelope and burn it in the fire and put this all in the past.”
She reaches out towards the blue envelope, but Pidge holds it out of reach.
“Wait,” says Hunk, “Why would Keith throw out his condom in the bathroom? It's way on the
other side of the house.”
Keith leans back from Lance and says, “I dropped my condom in a potted plant. I’d assumed the
bathroom one was Lance’s since he left through the secret passage, which leads to the study near
the wall.”
“Nope,” says Lance. “Used condom, corner pocket. I’m still trapped in here by the way.”
“The challenge was to find who dropped the condom,” says Pidge.
“Maybe it was the house owner after all,” suggests Shiro.
“Yeah, that’s probably it,” says Romelle. “Who wants to play Scrabble next?”
“Oh me!” says Allura, raising her hand.
“Hold on,” says Keith.
“Wait a sec,” says Hunk.
“J’accuse!” say Keith and Hunk in unison. Keith points at Shiro. He turns to see Hunk is pointing
at Allura.
“What’s happening?” asks Lance. “And can someone please let me out already?”
“Lance!” cries Coran, appearing at the end of the hall, covered in dust and spiderwebs. “Are you
the one who’s been screaming? I thought the mansion had a ghost! How long have you been in
there?”
“Coran!” cries Lance. “They locked me in sex jail and won’t let me out!”
“Hold on,” says Pidge. “I want to hear these accusations.”
“The game is over,” says Allura, laughing awkwardly.
“So over,” laughs Romelle. “Continuing the game would be like searching for meaning in a Pauly
Shore movie. Now let’s let Lance out of sex jail.”
“No, something stinks,” says Hunk.
“Stinks to high heaven,” agrees Keith.
“The condom is still unaccounted for.”
“I want to make a suggestion.”
“So do I,” agrees Hunk.
There’s a creak and a clunk as Coran releases Lance from his elevator prison. Lance barrels into
Keith, wrapping himself around him.
“Can I go first?” asks Keith, turning to look at Hunk. Lance turns along with him, now glued to his
side.
Hunk nods, “Go ahead.”
******
“Shiro was in the lounge,” says Keith, picking up his feet and speed walking in that direction.
Lance doesn’t catch on to the movement quite in time so he ends up holding Keith’s shape with his
body for a moment before he gets with the program and follows his boyfriend - HIS
BOYFRIEND!! - down the hall.
“I’ll just find another form of amusement while the lot of you keep doing that,” Coran calls out.
Lance enters the lounge to see Keith pacing.
“You said you were in here taking selfies,” says Keith, circling the room towards the love seat.
“I was,” says Shiro. “And I obviously didn’t have sex with Lance since he was busy with you.
Doing you and you doing him.”
“Not with Lance, no,” says Keith, “but sex with Lance isn’t the only way to use a condom.”
“Let him finish!” shouts Pidge.
“No one was interrupting him,” says Coran.
“Who were you taking these selfies for?” asks Keith.
“Myself,” says Shiro, all too quickly.
“But you said you made a call.”
“A quick call.”
“Then how did your battery die?” asks Keith. “Just from a short call and taking a few photos and
not sending them anywhere?”
“The battery was low when we got here.”
“No, it was at full battery,” disagrees Keith. “Because you drove us here and your phone was
plugged into the USB port for the entire drive while you made us listen to those awful podcasts
about Bitcoin investments and Interval Fasting. Your phone wasn’t drained already No! That call
you supposedly made was more than just a quick call! You were video chatting!”
Romelle and Allura gasp.
Romelle whispers to Allura, “Why is that shocking?”
“I don’t know,” she replies.
“Maybe I was,” says Shiro. “Is that a crime?”
“Video chatting, no,” says Keith, “but in the context of this game, video sexing is!”
Shiro gags. “I would n - this is a stranger’s house!”
“The facts are,” says Keith, “you wouldn’t just wear that leather harness if you weren’t planning to
show someone. You are wine drunk and your morals go out the window when you’re wine drunk.
There was a weird configuration of books stacked right there on the coffee table. Exactly what a
makeshift phone stand would look like, if you needed to go hands free.”
Everyone gasps.
“But why the condom?” asks Lance.
“Let’s ask the right question,” says Keith. “Where’s the wrapper?”
“The wrapper,” mutters Allura.
“If Mr. Responsible used a condom to jerk it - which, let’s face it, he would to avoid the mess in a
‘stranger’s house’ - where would he put it?”
“Wastepaper basket!” say half the people in the room at once.
They all spread out around the room, searching.
“Found it!” shouts Lance. He picks up the entire wastepaper basket, rather than put his hands
inside. “There’s a blue wrapper… hey, that’s my brand.”
“He probably ripped one off the end,” says Keith, stepping up beside him. “That roll is always
hanging out of your pocket.”
“I carry so many for you, babe!”
“Uh oh,” says Keith, gazing inside. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
Everyone else gathers behind them.
“Yep,” says Lance. “There’s yet another condom in here.”
They turn back to stare at Shiro’s reddened face. He crosses his arms and says, “I told you the one
in the bathroom wasn’t mine.”
Hunk clears his throat. They turn to look at him and he raises his hand slowly. “I’d like to make my
accusation now.”
“Lead the way,” says Lance.
They start moving, but Keith remains put. “Wait! I feel like we’re letting Shiro off the hook very
easily here!”
“Do you wanna circle back to that before or after we discuss you riding dick on top of the pool
table?” asks Pidge.
“Hey, let’s hear Hunk’s idea!” chuckles Keith.
It’s surprising when Hunk hustles out the door and jogs to the entrance to the conservatory. He
stops outside and says, speaking very quickly, “I thought it was suspicious that Romelle almost led
us here to accuse Allura, but then stopped at the door. What would make her change her mind right
in this spot, unless there was something visible that would implicate her own guilt?”
Hunk shoves open the conservatory door to show that across the room, completely conspicuous,
there is a section of floor tile that’s lifted up like a latch to reveal…
“The secret passage that was left open by Allura when she left,” says Hunk.
There are several gasps. Noticeably, they are all male.
“What?! What?!” gasps Lance. “There’s a second secret passage? Where does it go?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” asks Keith.
“No,” says Lance.
“Right, you weren’t here for a long time.”
“Yeah, and you were ignoring me because you thought I was going to give up our secret… which,
fair, I did.”
“No, I was ignoring you because I felt so uncomfortable having everyone talk about you having
sex with people who aren’t me. Allura even wanted you to lie and say it was her! It was awful
hearing everyone’s accusations. I had to fantasize I was with you instead of the others. in order to
handle it.”
“Aw babe,” says Lance, stepping in closer and placing an affectionate hand on Keith’s chest. “You
fantasized about me?”
“Constantly. For years.”
“You wanna have sex again right now?” asks Lance, eyes lighting up.
“Everyone is right…” Keith looks and says, “Wait… they all left?”
“They must’ve gone into the secret passage,” says Lance, getting excited. He starts to drag Keith
that way, but he resists.
“Spiders,” says Keith with a whimper.
“I’ll protect you.”
“I’ll just meet you where it ends,” says Keith, taking off.
“How do you know where it ends?” Lance calls out after him, but he gone.
Giddy, Lance heads into the conservatory to discover where it leads for himself. He climbs down
into the hatch, closing it on his way (like he remembered to do in the study because he doesn’t
leave evidence of his lovemaking behind!)
Keith was right to avoid the secret passage. It's so low that Lance has duck the whole time and he
catches lots of spiders in the beam of his phone’s flashlight. At the end there’s a step ladder that
leads to a door. He opens it up and... feels cold. It’s pitch black.
He’s in a walkin freezer! Lance pushes open the door to find everyone else in the kitchen.
“There you are!” says Pidge. “We’ve been waiting for you.”
Keith runs in from the open door, slightly out of breath. “Okay, that’s pretty far if you don’t take
the shortcut.”
“So here goes,” says Hunk, addressing the group. He walks towards where Lance is standing
outside the freezer. “My first clue was when Allura was describing how Lance would see Romelle
standing at the counter from behind, but the doorway is to the side. However, behind is the view
you’d have if you came through the secret passageway.”
“Whoa,” says Shiro, looking at Allura and Romelle. “I see where this is going.”
“Where?” asks Lance, totally out of the loop. “Where is this going?”
Hunk’s voice ups in speed as he gets excited. “When we were in the billiard room, it was Allura
who found the secret passage, but how did she know to look for secret passages?”
“Because these weird old mansions always have them!” says Lance.
“No, because she’d already found one,” says Keith.
“Exactly,” says Hunk. “She also had a very descriptive walkthrough of fingering Romelle using a
condom in the, uh, butt.”
“She what?” gasps Lance. “I wanna hear! Allura, describe it again!”
Allura’s eyes are firmly fixed on the floor. “No.”
“But the icing on the cake was -” begins Hunk.
“The fact that she knew where the coconut oil was kept!” blurts out Shiro.
Damn... Keith and Lance could’ve used that coconut oil...
“That and,” continues Hunk, walking towards Romelle (who is also looking at the floor), “Romelle
ducked when Allura opened the cupboard. Almost as if she knew it would hit her in the head.”
Hunk brushes Romelle’s hair off her forehead to reveal a red mark, the shape of a corner of a
cupboard.
“Fine!” blurts out Romelle. “We’re secretly dating too!”
“Romelle!” snaps Allura.
“Well, they were practically there already,” says Romelle. “Why bother hiding it?”
“I’m also secretly dating someone!” blurts out Shiro. “I was on the video call with him earlier. He
likes… leather and nipples.”
“Duh,” says Keith. “Also, gross.”
“Had sex on any pool tables lately?” Shiro shoots back.
“And I’m gonna bet,” says Hunk, stepping up to the cupboard. He opens it up and there, beside the
coconut oil, is a blue condom wrapper. “A hasty way to dispose of it.”
“That’s one of mine too!” gasps Lance.
“It’s easy to knick one,” says Allura, pouting. “The end of the roll is always hanging out of your
pocket and seeing Romelle in that short skirt got me craving, well… you know.”
“Why did you need a condom to finger her ass?” asks Lance.
Allura rolls her eyes. “Because yeast infections are no joke and I need to keep those fingers
separated from… where the others were.”
“In the pink. Got it.”
“So was that the condom that ended up in the bathroom?” asks Keith.
“The bathroom is beside the kitchen,” says Hunk. “That’s why I put my money on Allura and
Romelle, rather than Shiro.”
“Yes!” cries Romelle. “The condom was ours. I went to the bathroom after to wipe up and ditched
it there. I didn’t realize I’d missed the garbage. Honestly, I was hoping it would turn out to be one
of your condoms.”
“What I don’t get,” says Lance, “is why you two kept accusing each other or sleeping with me?”
“Improvised self-defense,” admits Allura. “Trying to protect our secret, because, frankly, sneaking
around is a lot of fun.”
“It really is,” agrees Keith.
Lance, Romelle, and Shiro nod in agreement.
“It was still a really bad defense,” says Hunk.
“Well, we didn’t exactly get to strategize beforehand!” snaps Romelle. “We were barely finished
when you showed back up, then five minutes later Pidge was dragging us into the ballroom and
declaring they’d found our condom! I was just trying to deflect the blame. Allura did the same.”
“So did Hunk win?” asks Shiro, looking to Pidge. “You seemed pretty sure you had the solution
written in that envelope? Did you figure out that it was from Allura anally fingering Romelle in the
kitchen?”
“I guess it’s time you all find out what’s written inside.” Pidge pulls the envelope from their
pocket.
Keith reaches for it, but Lance gets it first. He opens it up and gasps. “It’s blank!”
“It’s written on the other side,” says Allura. “We can see it.”
“What does it say?” asks Romelle. She steals it from Lance and pulls it out completely. Instead of
reading it out loud, she furrows her brow. She throws the card on the ground and says, “Oh, fuck
you, Pidge!”
Pidge feigns offense. “On my birthday?”
“What does it say?” cries Allura.
There’s a scramble as all of them try to pick it up at once. It’s Shiro, with his superior arm length,
who gets hold of it. He hold it up and squints as he reads, “All of y’all - Fucking around - Right
under my nose.”
They all turn on Pidge at once.
“You didn’t know shit!” shouts Allura.
“On the contrary,” says Pidge, “I knew all of y’all were fucking around with each other right under
my nose at my damn birthday party! The game was to fill in the details. Wasn’t it fun?”
“No!!” all of the guilty parties shout in unison.
“Well, next time, don’t all sneak off to have sex during my birthday party!” snaps Pidge.
That shuts them all up. Finally Lance says quietly, “Thunderstorms are sexy.”
“So are power outages,” agrees Allura.
“I like… wine,” says Shiro.
“Now say you’re sorry,” instructs Pidge.
“Sorry,” they all chorus together.
“Great. Let’s get your punishment over with.”
“Punishment?” shout Romelle, Keith, Allura, and Shiro at the same time Lance cries, “You already
punished me!”
********
Lance stands in front of the elevator cage holding a sign that says, “Dirty Rotten Fornicators”
Inside the elevator, Keith, Allura, Romelle, and Shiro are all stuffed in together, as Pidge gleefully
takes photos.
“Why is Lance outside the cage?” asks Allura.
“Because I was sentenced to time served,” says Lance. “And I hate that thing.”
“This is way harsh, Pidge,” complains Romelle.
“It’s what you deserve,” says Pidge.
“What gives you the right to judge us? You’re just a virgin, who can’t drive.”
“I can drive,” says Pidge, confused.
“It’s a Clueless line,” says Lance. “She’s been using them sporadically throughout the night.”
“My references are way existential,” says Romelle.
Coran comes down the hall and approaches cautiously. “Is your little sex game wrapped up for the
evening or should I continue to make myself busy elsewhere?”
“Just about,” says Pidge, snapping a few more pics. “There. I feel like I have enough to shame you
on social media. Let’s get back to the Murder Mystery part of the evening.”
Coran goes to unlock the elevator and let them out.
“Do we have to,” asks Romelle, leaning against the elevator cage. “I’m all mysteried out.”
“Yes, I’m tired of pretending I’m not the murderer,” says Allura. She makes a little ‘o’ shape with
her mouth and covers it with her hand. “Oops,” she giggles.
“Damn,” says Lance. “You were like… my third guess.”
“So you weren’t even close to winning?” says Keith, dryly.
“Dinner is served!” bellows Hunk, from down the hall.

“At least we can do the Dinner part of the evening,” says Pidge. “Alright, let’s go! I’ll be
implementing a buddy system to keep any of you from sneaking off.”
Keith and Lance automatically take each other’s hands, as do Allura and Romelle.
“Nope! Nope! Nope!” says Pidge, breaking them apart and rearranging them so Allura is with
Lance, Romelle is with Keith.
“Not Lance,” groans Allura.
“I’m being straightwashed!” whines Lance.
“You can hold hands for two seconds.” Pidge forces Shiro to hold hands with Coran and they’re all
led to the dining room like a group of preschoolers.
CASE SOLVED!
End Notes
Musical quote credits:
"Hike up your skirt a little more..." Crash into me - Dave Matthews Band
"Give to me your leather..." Leather and Lace - Stevie Nicks
"Sink the pink, it's the fashion" and "Gimme water, gimme wine..." Sink the Pink - AC/DC
Thanks for reading!
You can find my socials on linktr.ee
xoxox BBBK
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Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/35351428.

Happy Versvember everyone! A time in November to celebrate vers/switch Klance! It's

See the end of the work for more notes

“We do know,” says Coran. “It’s because it’s your birthday.”

“Oh gross!” gags Romelle.

“This - which I will henceforth refer to as Exhibit A - was stuck to my shoe.”

“No,” said Keith. “Because none of us are getting that close.”

The ballroom fills with a chorus of ew’s.

Everyone looks around.

“Thanks for saying that much, I guess,” mumbles Shiro.

“That seems high,” says Hunk.

“Of which, all of you are suspects.”

“What about you?” asks Keith. “Why aren’t you a suspect?”

“Asexual and celibate, Keith. Try to keep up.”

Lance looks around the room, counting. “How ten?”

“What?” gasps Lance. “How slutty do you think I am?”

“Outtie?” repeats Allura, cringing.

“Yeah, outtie. It’s a Clueless party!”

“It’s a Clue party!” corrects Allura.

“That’s not a real thing!”

“I wanna be top performer, ” sings Pidge.

Everyone, but Allura joins in singing, “Unlike any in recent memory”

“To capture them is my challenge

“Okay, stop!” says Allura.

“Stop with the cattiness,” snaps Keith. “It’s ugly.”

“Tighter than your p -”

Everyone cries out in disapproval.

“Speak for yourself,” says Romelle. “Or did you?”

“She who denies the WAP, supplied the WAP.”

“You did dress like Hugh Hefner tonight,” says Keith.

“Yes, Hunk?” says Pidge.

“Hey!” cries Lance. “No fair!”

“Exhibit B!” says Pidge, holding up their phone.

“Yes, it’s mine.”

“So you admit to being the author?”

“Yes, what of it.”

“Will you please read aloud what it says?”

“Must I?” asks Shiro with a pout.

“Your silence will only further my suspicions.”

“What happened to the right to remain silent?”

“Keith, read it for him.”

“You? Avoiding inaccurisms?”

“Yeah,” says Keith, shrugging.

Lance snickers to himself, “CUMmerbund…”

“What? I run hot,” grumbles Keith.

“Or you’ve been undressing…”

“D. T. F,” says Pidge, dramatically. “Down to fuck!”

“Wouldn’t you be more DTL?” asks Lance. “Down to Learn.”

“Well, I’m DTUTT,” says Pidge.

Everyone stares in confusion.

“D Tut?” says Keith, speaking carefully, unsure of his words.

“Down to Uncover the Truth!”

“Whoa,” says Lance. “Wild timing.”

There’s a collective groan.

“You’re already standing,” mumbles Allura.

“The Baldwins are so old now,” mumbles Shiro.

“You’re acting guilty by refusing,” mutters Allura.