COSMIC HOSTEL

A story of love, hope, and a touch of narcissism.

by Sally Oberstein

Sally Oberstein

556 Hidden Way • Homer, Alaska 99603 USA

sallyoberstein@yahoo.com

© 2020/2021 Sally Oberstein

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COSMIC HOSTEL

Cast of Characters

Barb: 60-year-old female, self-confident, openminded owner

of Cosmic Hostel

Marco: 30-year-old suave male, son of Barb

Bonnie: sassy masseuse, housekeeper, and handywoman

from another country

Ashley: flirtatious, stereotypical Calif. woman in her twenties

Graham: 60-year-old fit male photographer from California

Cassie: sturdy female traveler in her twenties

Anna: inexperienced traveler from Argentina in her twenties

Luke: Frenchman in his mid-twenties traveling with Jacque

Jacque: Frenchman in his mid-twenties traveling with Luke

Trevor: traveler from Toronto, Canada in his twenties

Charlotte: timid Kiwi wife of Oliver

Oliver: older cocky husband of Charlotte from New Zealand

Stu: Policeman in his 50s who has a crush on Barb

George McCowan: middle-aged gay man/partner of Jonathan

Jonathan McCowan: George McCowan’s husband/wife.

Hilda: Marco’s self-centered girlfriend

Nurse Linda Cummings: “friend” of Stu

Backpacker: Late arriver to Cosmic Hostel at the end of play

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Note to ACTORS: The director requests that most actors bring cellphones (as props) to
rehearsal and performance if possible. These characters do not need phones: Hilda,
Stu, Nurse Nancy, Bonnie, Backpacker.

Narration is highlighted in yellow.

EVERYONE responses are bold.

Prop reminders are in red. Example: phone

Scene

Central living area of Cosmic Hostel somewhere in America

Time

Present

ACT 1

Scene 1

SETTING: Central living area of Cosmic Hostel with

check-in counter at center stage with an open
laptop. World map on the wall behind counter.
Couch, bookshelf, overstuffed chair, and
newspaper on coffee table stage right. Kitchen,
two tables with chairs stage left. Exit
downstage left goes to the dorm. Exit upstage
right of check-in counter goes to Marco’s room.
Exit upstage left of check-in counter is to a
hallway leading to Barb and Bonnie’s
respective rooms. On stage (downstage right)
is a screen door to the porch with two deck
chairs. Beyond the porch downstage right is an
exit leading down the big hill.

AT RISE: LIGHTS UP on BARB on phone behind check-

in counter at laptop. SHE is wearing a tie-dye t-
shirt, jeans, and red stocking cap.
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COSMIC HOSTEL

BARB: (on phone) Yeah, no. No shuttle. I know. It’s quite a trek. A mile and a half
(beat), Yep. That’s right – uphill, just like it says on our website. (little laugh) (beat) Uh-
huh. Well we’re considering installing an escalator (clears her throat) right after we get a
private jet (rolling her eyes - beat). You’re right…a landing strip… also on our list. No,
it’s a hike and that’s why we get that whopping $16/night per bed. (beat) Uh-huh. Ah,
did you want to call me back after you’ve decided whether or not you need a few
months with a private trainer before making your reservation?

MARCO enters from his room, pulling the door shut behind him. He is pulling up
the zipper of his pants. HE takes a few steps into the room and catches Barb
watching him. HE stops and looks at her.

MARCO: What?

BARB: (on phone) Okay then we’ll look forward to hearing back from you. (SHE hangs
up the phone, continuing to look at Marco.) Never.

Marco’s door reopens and ASHLEY steps into the room, straightening her hair.
MARCO and BARB look at her and back at each other. ASHLEY hurries past the
check-in counter to the dorm room.

ASHLEY: Um. (looking back at Marco as she passes) Thank you, Marco – for like
showing me that … you know. That thing you showed me in there (pointing toward
Marco’s room). It is totally cool.

MARCO: Oh, you’re welcome. I thought you’d like it. I can show it to you again later if
you’d like.

ASHLEY: Cool. See you later then (exiting).

BARB: (shaking her head) Get the dictionary Marco.

MARCO: Why?

BARB: So you can look up the word “discretion”.

MARCO: I know what it means.

BARB: But you don’t know how to do it.

MARCO: Did you see her? She’s gorgeous.

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BARB: And since when does discretion not apply to gorgeous?

MARCO: SHE hit on me.

BARB: And she hit on every guest we had here this week.

MARCO: In all fairness, where was she supposed to go with them? You can’t sneak sex
in a dorm room (motioning to the dorm).

BARB stares at him with both palms in the air, slowly shaking her head.

MARCO: Okay. (beat) But if you have sex in there, you can pretty much count on
getting caught by our other guests. And I’m pretty sure that would not be discreet.

BARB: (continuing to stare) You have a girlfriend Marco.

MARCO: And she sleeps with other guys.

BARB: Look. Do you want to keep this job?

MARCO pulls a dictionary off the bookshelf and opens it. Flips the pages. Points
to a page.

MARCO: T–I-O-N. The quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid

causing offence or revealing confidential information - Wait. (one finger in the air)
There’s more. (beat) Using good sense - the freedom to decide what should be done in
a particular situation - Well I did THAT.

BARB moves to the window.

BARB: Incoming. (turning to Marco) And Marco, way too much screaming. Please don’t
show that thing to Ashley again later.

MARCO: Can I show her a different thing?

BARB: (giving him a look) I’m gonna go meet this guy (exiting to porch).

BARB exits to the porch, looks into the distance and sits on a deck chair.
MARCO hears some rustling from the hallway. HE dons a fake nose, glasses,
and eyebrows and ducks behind the overstuffed chair. BONNIE enters from
hallway wearing work clothes and carrying a toolbox. SHE is wearing a fake
nose, glasses, and eyebrows. MARCO jumps out from behind the chair and
scares her. When they stop and look at each other, they point at each other and
start laughing.

MARCO: You’re crazy Bonnie.

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BONNIE: You’re crazy Marco. You scared me to death.

MARCO: Where did you find those things? (pointing at her disguise and removing his).

BONNIE: Yesterday’s Amazon delivery. You?

MARCO: Same. You’re a nutcase.

BONNIE: Nutcase means crazy? (moving toward the kitchen)

MARCO: Yeah.

BONNIE: Water hose fixed.

MARCO: The kitchen sink needs some work.

BONNIE: Yep.

MARCO follows HER to the kitchen sink.

MARCO: Hey, very funny by the way… the ketchup packets under my toilet seat.
Ashley’s the one who sat down on them. Ketchup everywhere. I’m surprised you didn’t
hear her screaming.

BONNIE: I hear her (snickering). Ketchup under toilet seat was for short-sheet my bed
last week (working on sink).

MARCO: (laughing) That was a good one wasn’t it?

BONNIE: Sink is easy fix. Just need washer. No biggo.

MARCO: Biggie. No biggie.

BONNIE: No biggie.

BONNIE: I like more slang.

MARCO: Alright (pacing).

BONNIE: Cool man. We are besties.

MARCO: Okay. When something is funny, you say L-O-L. L-O-L.

BONNIE: I know L-O-L. I use for text.

MARCO: Oh, good. You rock.

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BONNIE: I rock. That means good.

MARCO: Right. You totally rock for fixing the water hose and the sink, and everything
else around here.

BONNIE: I totally rock, L-O-L.

MARCO: Better yet. You’re totally badass for everything you fix around here.

BONNIE: I am badass. I am badass fixer. I am badass masseuse.

MARCO: Yeah you are. How’s that going? Any bites on massage?

BONNIE: People are not biting when I give massage.

MARCO: No, that’s slang. Bites. Like, people are interested.

BONNIE: Oh. Okay. Not many bites. I make new sign to say I make Badass Massage
$25.

MARCO: That should work. No wait. I can give you better slang for your massage.
(smiling and looking to see that no one is in earshot) Try – Nudge, nudge, wink, wink
when you say massage. I think this will get you more clients.

BONNIE: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

MARCO: Yes. I think it’s a really good way to sell more massages.

BONNIE: Not badass?

MARCO: Yeah. Badass. And also nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

BONNIE: I give badass massage. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Yeah?

MARCO: Yeah. Then say your price.

BONNIE: I give badass massage. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, twenty-five dollars.

MARCO: Yeah. Almost. Make it more… intimate. I mean, like try making it feel more
personal. Try whispering it, quietly, and like...in the person’s ear.

BONNIE: (whispers) I give badass massage. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, twenty-five
dollars. (SHE looks to Marco for approval.)

MARCO: (nods and gives her a thumbs-up) That should get you more business.
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BONNIE: I give badass massage. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, twenty-five dollars.

MARCO: Good. (turns away and then back) Hey, do you need me to pick up any parts
for that repair there?

BONNIE: No. I got it. (works on the sink, repeating) I give badass massage. Nudge,
nudge, wink, wink, twenty-five dollars: I give badass massage. Nudge, nudge, wink,
wink, twenty-five dollars.

MARCO: Remember to whisper it.

BONNIE wipes off the sink, picks up her toolbox, and exits through hallway
repeating her new words. BARB meets TREVOR on the porch, and THEY enter
through screen door. HE’s carrying a backpack and out of breath. ASHLEY
enters kitchen from dorm and starts to cook. MARCO moves behind the check-in
counter. TREVOR drops the backpack by the check-in counter and BARB
straightens chairs in the kitchen.

TREVOR: That’s quite a walk.

MARCO: Yeah. Keeps us in shape. You have a reservation?

TREVOR: Yeah. Trevor McKay. Two nights.

MARCO: Can I get your passport?

TREVOR takes his passport out of the money pouch around his waist and hands
it to MARCO. ASHLEY is chopping veggies and glancing up at Marco between
chops. MARCO doesn’t notice her.

MARCO: Canada, eh?

TREVOR: Used to be from Canada. I’ve been traveling for a while.

BARB: What part of Canada?

TREVOR: Toronto.

BARB: Toronto’s nice. Where have you been traveling?

TREVOR: New Zealand, Australia. I spent last year in South America.

MARCO: Habla español?

TREVOR: Um poco. Little bit.

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MARCO: (handing Trevor his passport and a towel) Follow me (walking past the kitchen
toward the dorm room). This is the guest kitchen. You’re actually welcome to any of this
part of the building any time but keep the noise down after 11pm. You’re in bed number
six.

ASHLEY flirts with them as they pass her. MARCO and TREVOR exit into dorm
room. ANNA enters through screen door. She’s pulling a very large suitcase, a
daypack, fanny pack, and shoulder bag across her chest.

ANNA: (out of breath, panting, gasping for air) That’s quite a little hill you have there.

BARB: That’s quite a little bag you have there.

ANNA: (still breathing heavily) It’s only big when I’m carrying it uphill.

BARB: What doesn’t kill ya ….

ANNA: Yeah. (SHE looks out the window) It’s really beautiful up here.

BARB: We like it.

ANNA: (turning to Barb) I hope you have a vacancy.

BARB: (moving to the counter) One person?

ANNA nods, still panting.

BARB: How many nights?

MARCO returns. ASHLEY watches him.

ANNA: I was just planning on one night.

BARB: Hardly worth the hike.

ANNA: Funny. Do I have to decide right now?

MARCO: We have plenty of room. Stay as long as you like.

BARB: It’s a mixed dorm. That okay?

ANNA: Yeah, that’s fine.

BARB: Can I see your passport?

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ANNA searches her fanny pack, shoulder bag, and several pockets before
finding her passport in a one of her pockets and handing it to Barb.

BARB: All the way from Argentina. Our little hill shouldn’t have fazed you.

ANNA: Ha ha.

BARB: You’re in bed number two. Ashley’s just below you (pointing to Ashley). Here’s a
towel. The bathrooms are inside your dorm room. Just through that door (pointing). Let
me know if you need anything.

ANNA: (starts to leave then turns back) Wifi password?

BARB: It’s our name, Cosmic Hostel, all lower case, one word. It works between seven
and nine every night.

ANNA: Excuse me?

BARB: Cosmic Hostel/

ANNA: No, I heard that. The other part. We only have internet for two hours a day?

The front door flies open, and CASSIE comes in carrying a backpack, and
excited. EVERYONE turns to look at her.

CASSIE: (breathing hard) Oh yeah! Now that gets me going. I need that walk at home.
Hi. I’m Cassie Stearns and I am totally happy to be here (taking wide steps to whoever
she can easily reach and shake hands with).

BARB: Well we’re happy you’re here Cassie Stearns. We have your reservation. I just
need to see your passport. You’re sharing a room with Anna here, and Ashley.

ASHLEY waves hello. TREVOR appears at the dorm door.

TREVOR: And me. Hi. I’m Trevor. I hope you don’t mind.

CASSIE crosses the room to shake Trevor’s hand.

CASSIE: Nope. All good. Here’s my passport (handing it to Barb).

BARB: You’re in bed number nine, right through the door where Trevor’s standing.
Bathroom’s in there and here’s a towel for you (handing her a towel).

CASSIE: Okay. I’ll just drop my bag in there and head back down the hill.

TREVOR: You’re going back down?

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CASSIE: And back up. I’m not one much for moderation (passing Trevor into the dorm
room).

TREVOR: She’s a little crazy (crossing stage to sit on the couch).

ANNA follows CASSIE, struggling with her suitcase.

MARCO: Do you need a hand.

ANNA: No, I got it.

MARCO picks up a small towel and wipes down one of the tables. ASHLEY
moves close to him. BONNIE enters from hallway, puts a short pile of dish towels
in the kitchen and drops a pillow on the couch next to Trevor. She leans over to
him and whispers into his ear.

TREVOR: (looking at her in surprise) No. I’m all good thank you. (flustered) Maybe later.

BONNIE: (smiling with eyebrows up in hope) Maybe later.

BONNIE exits through hallway.

TREVOR: Is everyone here crazy?

BARB: Yeah. Pretty much.

CASSIE races across the room and out the screen door calling out.

CASSIE: See you later.

TREVOR: Can you please give me your Wifi password?

BARB: It’s Cosmic Hostel. All one word, lower case. But it’s only on from 7-9 at night.

TREVOR: What do you mean?

BARB: The password is Cosmic Hostel.

TREVOR: No. The other part. About the time.

BARB: 7-9 p.m.

TREVOR: Wow.

The screen door opens. CHARLOTTE and OLIVER enter dragging two roller
bags. MARCO gets up and watches from the kitchen. ANNA joins ASHLEY who
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is now standing at the kitchen counter and pulling out items from the fridge.
THEY start a quiet conversation.

CHARLOTTE: Well if you think I’m sleeping (loud deep breath) in a room with a bunch
of (she looks around to see EVERYONE staring at her). Oh. Sorry. (loud deep breath) I
didn’t realize. (another deep breath – explaining to onlookers) I just have a hard time
sleeping.

OLIVER: Well. (panting) You can take a sleeping pill tonight Charlotte (bending over,
hands on knees, catching his breath). (To Marco) You should do something about that
hill. That’s what engineers are for you know.

BARB: (beside check-in counter) We’ll get right on that. (beat) Can I help you?

OLIVER: Maybe an oxygen tank? (He looks her up and down.)

BARB: It’s quite a hike. We do have an oxygen tank if you’re serious.

OLIVER: I’m okay. I don’t need oxygen.

BARB: We do have a helicopter pad. I mean if… you know.

OLIVER: We aren’t going to need a helicopter.

CHARLOTTE: I wish we’d known that was an option an hour ago (still breathing
heavily). Well we’re here now and we’d like a room please.

BARB: We just have the one dorm room.

OLIVER: We were hoping for a real hotel but the people in your town said this was our
only option. You work here, right? Is there another person working here?

BARB: What other kind of person are you looking for?

OLIVER: Sorry. I’m old fashioned. (looking at Marco) Excuse me sir. Are you working
here?

MARCO: (pretending to be timid) Who me? I sure am. (approaching Barb) Was there
anything else you needed ma’am? Can I mop up or do some laundry for you?

CHARLOTTE: Sorry. He doesn’t mean to be rude. We’re looking for a room. Just for the
night.

BARB: Of course (shaking her head). We have the one dorm room available.

CHARLOTTE: Do you have a restroom I can use?

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MARCO: Of course. Right through here. I can show you (he nods the way and leads her
into the dorm room).

BONNIE enters with a stack of folded towels and sets them on the counter.
Phone rings.

BARB: Excuse me for a moment. (SHE answers phone and moves and talks quietly
downstage right)

BONNIE walks over to Oliver and whispers in his ear.

OLIVER: What the…? Are you out of your mind?

BONNIE: Okay. I badass. Maybe later (giving a thumbs up, nodding her head).

BONNIE exits. MARCO returns to wiping off tables.

BARB: (returns to counter, looking at Oliver) What did you decide? About the dorm?

OLIVER: We’d like a private room…please. We’ll pay any price.

BARB: We really only just have the dorm.

OLIVER: Yeah. I don’t think my wife can do that. Can we just get a private room?

BARB: We honestly don’t rent any private rooms. I’m afraid it’s bunkbeds or nothing.
Shared bathroom. We’re a hostel. That’s really all we have here.

OLIVER: Impossible.

BARB: I know.

OLIVER: How much are they paying?

BARB: It’s $16 per bed.

OLIVER: I’ll pay you $300.

BARB: Okay.

OLIVER: I mean for a private room.

BONNIE exits to hallway and reenters with a tool belt and heavy rolled electrical
wire over her shoulder to fix something behind the stove. ASHLEY sits down at
the table for with the food she’s cooked. ANNA joins Ashley with a small snack
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and a glass of water. CHARLOTTE returns drying her hands on her pants.
CASSIE comes flying through the front door.

CASSIE: Ooooh that was great! Hi! I’m Cassie Stearns.

Cassie shakes hands with Charlotte and Oliver, then plops herself on the couch
next to Trevor engaging in quiet conversation.

OLIVER: Dear god. A private room please. I can’t sleep with a bunch of children. My
wife is intelligent, and clean, and cultured. She must have some privacy.

BARB: I understand. And if I had something to offer you, I would. But I don’t.

OLIVER: Look lady. I have certain needs. If there was another place to stay tonight, I’d
stay there. I have money and I’m willing to pay. Just give me your price.

MARCO sits on the couch next to CASSIE and joins her and Trevor’s quiet chat.

BARB: (giving her attention to her computer and not looking up) And if I could offer you
what you think you need, I would. I am so sorry for your situation, but we simply don’t
have a private room. This is a hostel. (to Marco) Marco! Get the dictionary.

OLIVER: Please. I know what a hostel is. Lady, we’ve traveled all the way from New
Zealand. It’s taken days and we’re very tired. I’ll buy the whole place for the night. How
much?

BARB: Hmmm. I think you’re suggesting I put all these nice people out on the hill and
invite you to take their beds. Ummm. No.

OLIVER: You must have a price.

BARB: Look my friend, I don’t do this for money. I do it for love.

CHARLOTTE: Oliver. I think we should leave.

OLIVER: No one asked you what you think Charlotte. And these people aren’t going to
tell us what to do.

EVERYONE looks at Oliver. There’s a knock on the screen door. BARB gets up,
opens the door and two French backpackers enter. Luke is the second to enter
and is wearing the same exact attire as Barb – a tie-die t-shirt, jeans and red
stocking cap. LUKE stands next to BARB and THEY look at each other.

Luke: Bonjour.

BARB: Bonjour. Bienvenue.

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JACQUE and LUKE: Merci.

LUKE and BARB, still staring at each other’s outfits.

BARB: Do you speak English?

Luke: I do.

BARB: (hands on hips) What are you supposed to be?

LUKE: (looking at his own clothes) I am just Luke. But maybe I am your…brother?

BONNIE: Her much younger brother.

BARB gives her a look.

LUKE: Maybe I am your son.

BARB: (moving behind the counter) Well let’s just hope you’re the one with discretion.
(beat) You need a bed?

LUKE: Do you have room for us?

BARB: Of course. Your passports please.

JACQUE and LUKE drop their bags and pull out their passports.

OLIVER: You’re going to give these people your attention while I’m still negotiating with
you?

BARB: I’m going to give them a private room.

OLIVER: Very funny.

CHARLOTTE: Come on Oliver. Let’s go.

OLIVER: I can have you fired.

BARB: Actually, you can’t.

OLIVER: I can destroy you.

BONNIE: Don’t worry, be happy.

(EVERYONE looks at her.)

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BONNIE: Marco teach me American slang (giving Marco a thumbs-up).

MARCO: Don’t worry, be happy (giving her a thumbs-up in return).

BARB: (to Bonnie) Your English is getting much better Bonnie. Thank you Marco. (to
Oliver) Okay, yeah, it’s fine if you want to destroy me. But in the meantime, you’re
destroying the comfort of my clients. So if you’re not going to join them in the dorm, I’m
going to have to kindly ask you to please step aside.

MARCO stands. BARB is processing the French passports, SHE picks up her
phone and sends a text.

OLIVER: (indignant) No one tells me what to do! Where is your supervisor?

BARB: Yeah. I just sent him a text. He’ll be here in a few minutes. Have a seat.

OLIVER: I’ll stand (pulling out his phone). Give me your Wifi password.

CHARLOTTE rolls their bags to the kitchen and sits at the table.

BARB: The password is Cosmic Hostel. All one word, no caps.

OLIVER paces, looking at his phone. BARB hands back Luke and the Jacque’s
passports and motions to Marco to show them the ropes. MARCO picks up two
towels and takes the new guests to the dorm. ASHLEY finishes her food and
takes her plate to the sink. ANNA moves to the couch and picks up a newspaper.
TREVOR approaches Barb at the counter.

JACQUE: (yelling from dorm) Putain ça fait mal! Son of a bitch suitcase !

ANNA : Uh oh. (SHE goes to the dorm.) Sorry.

BARB : (to Anna) See if it fits under the bed.

TREVOR: Hey, I have a bunch of Colombian pesos from my last trip. Do you think
there’s any place I can change them around here?

BARB: By around here (looking outside), do you mean/

OLIVER: What’s wrong with your internet?

BARB: Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be in the middle of a sentence when you started
yours.

OLIVER: I need your internet.

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BARB: I bet you do. We have internet between seven and nine p.m.

OLIVER: Are you kidding me?

BARB: Sorry Trevor. I can call the bank in town and see what they suggest.

OLIVER: Who’s so stupid bring Colombian money to America?

BARB: Okay Einstein. Do you even know you’re interrupting a conversation that has
nothing to do with you?

OLIVER: Your conversation doesn’t sound very important.

BARB: Good god. Sorry Trevor. I’ll see what we can do. (nods a thank you)

TREVOR exits to dorm. MARCO crosses from dorm through the upstage left
door behind the counter with Anna’s suitcase. ANNA sits back down on the
couch.

MARCO: Doesn’t fit under the bed.

ANNA: So there’s seriously no wifi this time of day?

OLIVER: This stupid place doesn’t have internet.

CASSIE: Wow.

BARB: Yeah. You have to pretend it’s the 90s and actually talk to each other.

CASSIE: That’s cool!

ANNA: That’s….a little weird.

OLIVER: It’s stupid.

CASSIE: It’s like a new adventure.

ANNA: I guess.

CHARLOTTE: Oliver needs internet.

OLIVER: (to Charlotte) Hush woman.

EVERYONE looks at OLIVER who looks back at everyone, then pulls his
cellphone from his shirt pocket and types something.
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CASSIE: (looking at her phone then addressing Anna) Hey, selfie?

ANNA: Sure (moves closer to Cassie and posing). Wait. I want to take one (holding up
phone).

OLIVER: Selfies are stupid.

BARB: That’s enough. We don’t use the “S” word here.

OLIVER: Selfie? That’s the first smart thing I’ve heard since we arrived.

BARB: Stupid. We don’t use the word stupid.

OLIVER: Now that’s really stupid.

CASSIE: (pointing to Anna’s phone) Let’s see where you’ve been traveling?

ANNA: Let’s see (looking at her phone and showing Cassie).

ANNA and CASSIE share photos.

ANNA: Here’s a good one.

CASSIE: Nice.

ANNA: (swiping past a few) Oh, you don’t want to look at this one.

CASSIE: Why? Who’s that?

ANNA: Some creepy guy in Paris. He attacked my friend.

CASSIE: Whaaaat?

ANNA: Yeah. She was walking home one night by herself and he attacked her. Put her
in the hospital.

OLIVER: Women should know better than to walk around alone at night.

CASSIE: Really? Um, men should know better than to attack women who walk around
alone at night?

STU enters through front door.

STU: Men should know better than to attack women – period. What did I miss?
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BARB: Just a little miscommunication (gesturing to Oliver and Charlotte). Oliver. I’d like
you to meet my supervisor.

STU: What?

BARB: Stu’s going to escort you back down the hill.

OLIVER: There you are (moving aggressively toward Stu). This woman will not
accommodate us. We need a private room. We want to talk with the person in charge.

STU: (moving next to Barb) Well/

OLIVER: She’s been disrespectful and frankly… outrageous. She should be fired.

STU: Yeah. Well/

OLIVER: I want to go on record with a formal complaint.

BARB: Oh, I have a form here (pulling out a piece of paper and handing it to Oliver with
a pen). Stu, are you going to make it up here for dinner next week?

OLIVER starts filling out the form at the counter.

STU: I think so. As long as we don’t have any 911 calls. I should be off in the middle of
the week. How was that ceviche? I can bring you more fish if you’d like.

STU moves closer to Barb. OLIVER glances at them.

BARB: Thanks Stu. We have plenty of fish.

STU: Do you need any groceries?

BARB: Thanks. I think we’re good. Check back with me before you come up next week.

STU: Oh, I will. Just let me know if you need anything at all.

STU runs his finger down Barb’s shoulder and OLIVER stops writing to notice.

BARB: Not now Stu.

MARCO enters from dorm.

OLIVER: What is this (shaking the paper)? Who is this form going to?

MARCO: Haven’t you figured that out yet? (shaking his head). Girls (to Anna and
Cassie). Who do you think is in charge here?
 19

ANNA and CASSIE point to Barb.

MARCO: Ashley, who’s the boss of this place?

ASHLEY: She is (pointing at Barb).

OLIVER: I want a private room and internet. Is that so much to ask for. I know she
thinks she’s in charge of everything but who’s the real chief?

MARCO: Barb owns half this mountain. She owns this building and most of the town.
She’s also our town mayor. She is the top honcho for 50 miles in any direction. If you’re
trying to impress someone, she’d be the person to impress.

OLIVER: (pointing to Stu) You’re her boss?

STU: Nah. She lets us think we’re in charge sometimes. But she’s the boss. She signs
my paychecks. She’s pretty much everyone’s boss.

OLIVER: That is impossible. That is preposterous. I do not believe it.

BARB: Oh, don’t be so emotional.

OLIVER: Emotional? Emotional! I’m not being emotional. You are not fit to be the boss!

STU: You want me to take them down the hill Barb?

BARB: Yes please. Thanks. Take them to McCowan’s.

STU: Seriously?

BARB: Yep.

STU: Barb. I’m not taking them to McCowan’s.

BARB: Where else is there?

STU: They’re not going to like it there.

BARB: No, they’re not. But it’s the only place with a vacancy. They want a private room
and internet.

CHARLOTTE: What’s McCowan’s?

MARCO: More liberals.

OLIVER: We’d rather not stay with liberals.

 20

CHARLOTTE: We have to stay somewhere tonight.

STU: They’re better than liberals. The McCowan boys are homosexual liberals. Their
place is stunning, and they cook a mean breakfast.

OLIVER: Oh no you don’t (shaking his head). These hippies are bad enough. We are
not staying with queers. Just take us to our car.

OLIVER crinkles up the complaint form and sets it on the counter, goes to the
door and holds it open for Charlotte, nodding toward their exit.

STU: Okay. Let’s go. See you soon Barb. Let me know if you need anything.

GRAHAM walks in through the open front door as CHARLOTTE, OLIVER, and
STU exit.

MARCO: Don’t people like that just make you want to lock yourself in a garage with your
car engine running?

BARB: You wouldn’t have to go to that much trouble. You could just climb up that guy’s
ego and jump off to his IQ.

GRAHAM: It sounds like I missed something.

EVERYONE: Yeah. You did. Uh-huh.

BARB: Graham.

GRAHAM: Hi Barb.

THEY walk toward each other and embrace in a long hug, then stand back and
look at each other. EVERYONE else is watching.

BARB: My god.

GRAHAM: My god. Barb. Look at you. My god.

Looking each other up and down.

BARB: Yeah. Wow.

GRAHAM: Wow.

BARB: Holy… something.

GRAHAM: No kidding.
 21

BARB: You/

MARCO: Yeah. You/

MARCO: Okay, so what?

BARB and GRAHAM: We were/

GRAHAM: Go ahead.

BARB: No, you go ahead.

THEY stare at each other.

MARCO: One of you go ahead!

BARB: Okay I’ll go. Graham and I were chess rivals in college.

MARCO: That’s it?

GRAHAM and BARB give Marco a look, then look back at each other. MARCO is
staring at both of them. TREVOR enters the kitchen with a daypack. HE rattles a
bag from which he pulls a loaf of bread, interrupting the stare.

BARB: You haven’t changed.

GRAHAM: Look at you. You’re more beautiful than you were 40 years ago.

BARB: Ya think?

GRAHAM: I do.

BARB: Oh stop it.

GRAHAM: No. Really.

BARB: Stop (feeling self-conscious).

MARCO: Really?

BARB: Don’t be rude Marco. Can you please get him checked in.

MARCO: Do you have a reservation?

BARB and GRAHAM give him a look.

 22

BARB: He does. He got in touch with me a few weeks ago. We’ve been emailing.

MARCO: Chess? (HE moves to the computer)

GRAHAM: You were unbeatable.

BARB: You were.

MARCO: Two weeks? Really? (beat) Bunk number 8 unless you can’t climb a ladder.

GRAHAM: I’m good with a ladder.

BARB: Let me show you around.

BARB hands him a towel and leads GRAHAM into the dorm. MARCO sits on the
couch and puts his arm around Cassie. ANNIE and CASSIE flirt with Marco.
ASHLEY is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a newspaper. SHE looks over her
newspaper with disgust. LUKE and the JACQUE enter kitchen with a bag of
groceries and begin to cook dinner.

ASHLEY: (announcing) I have a lot of food in the fridge if anyone wants it. I’m leaving
tomorrow so it’s up for grabs.

TREVOR: Thanks. I have a lot of food too.

ASHLEY goes to the fridge and starts pulling out food. TREVOR goes back to
the dorm room and returns with a daypack. HE puts some food items on the
table.

ASHLEY: Seriously. Help yourself to any of this.

LUKE: Maybe we make a big dinner.

ASHLEY lays her hand on Luke’s back and moves it up and down.

ASHLEY: Sounds great.

CASSIE: (jumping up) I have some food.

ANNA: (standing) I have a little.

ANNA and CASSIE head to the dorm and return with food. EVERYONE is
tossing food into one big cookpot. BARB enters from dorm and sits at her
computer.

CASSIE: So what we have here is a French, Argentinian, Canadian stew.

 23

ASHLEY: And American.

ANNA: (tossing in some spice) And a splash of India.

ANNA: Argentina is part of America. South America.

CASSIE: (smelling the stew) Mmmm. Smells good. We made a meal like this in a hostel
I stayed in once, in Morocco.

LUKE: We went to Morocco last year.

ANNA: I want to go to Morocco. How was it?

LUKE: Very nice place.

CASSIE: I loved it.

ANNA: What did you love about it.

CASSIE: Friendly people. Great culture. Great scenery.

JACQUE: (dramatically) Venez avec moi à la kasbah.

CASSIE: Ooooh yeah!

ANNA: What’s that all about?

LUKE: Come with me to the kasbah. It’s from an old movie.

JACQUE: Kasbah!

ANNA: What is a kasbah anyway?

LUKE: Like the center of an old city, but with high walls around it.

CASSIE: Yeah, you’ve probably seen pictures? Like an old fortress with mud walls.
(She samples a bite of food.) They were the stopping points along the old caravan
routes. You know… camels. Guys in long flowing white sheets and turbans.

TREVOR: Those guys knew how to dress. I’d love to ride a camel across the Sahara.

CASSIE: Oh yeah. The Sahara. It’s like being on another planet. Eerie gorgeous.

JACQUE: The Sahara! Snowboarding at the Sahara (he motions like he’s
snowboarding). Woohoo!
 24

ASHLEY: So you two travel together a lot? (pointing to Luke and Jacque.)

LUKE: Yeah. We travel together whenever we have time off. We only get a few weeks
at a time, but we make the most of it.

ANNA: Time off from what?

LUKE: We are farmers.

JACQUE: Farmers. Yes. Farmers.

CASSIE: Oh that is very cool.

LUKE: And this trip is shorter than usual because we just got a new puppy, and we
must go home to care for him.

ANNA: Aw. What kind?

LUKE: A New Zealand Sheep Dog.

JACQUE: Has other name called New Zealand Huntaway.

ANNA: Aw. Do you have a picture?

LUKE: (taking his phone from his pocket) About 100 pictures (showing them).

CASSIE: So cute.

JACQUE: Yeah. He is very excited.

LUKE: About everything.

ANNA: What’s his name?

LUKE: We haven’t named him yet. Any ideas?

CASSIE: How about Charlie?

LUKE: You’re the second person to say that name.

JACQUE: We’re not rushing to name him.

TREVOR: Will he help you on the farm?

JACQUE: If we can train him to stop chasse kickens.

 25

CASSIE: Kickens? You mean chickens?

JACQUE looks at Luke who nods at him.

JACQUE: Ah. Yes. Chickens?

LUKE: Chickens.

TREVOR: I worked on a chicken farm in New Zealand last year.

CASSIE: (looking at the food) Hey, this looks ready.

THEY ALL serve themselves in bowls from the stove/kitchen counter and sit
down at the tables while the conversation continues. ASHLEY sits next to Luke.

ANNA: I love New Zealand.

ASHLEY: It’s on my bucket list.

CASSIE: I picked fruit there a couple years ago. Totally chill.

ASHLEY: Is that your favorite place?

CASSIE: Ooooh. That’s a tough question. I don’t know if I have a favorite place.

LUKE: Favorite for what? Like, Zanzibar might have the most beautiful beaches in the
world. But Iran has the nicest people.

CASSIE: I’ve heard that. And like Ireland is really easy but I like India a lot, because it
isn’t easy plus the culture is so interesting.

GRAHAM enters from dorm, gets a glass and fills it with water from a pitcher.

GRAHAM: You either love or hate India.

TREVOR: Do you love it or hate it?

GRAHAM: I’m not a hater. I don’t love Indian trains. But I love India.

CASSIE: Oh my god, Indian trains. They’re so crowded you have to step over people
sleeping in the aisles. I was in a stateroom for two, and there were nine other people
sharing it with me.

GRAHAM smells the stew, then leans his back against the kitchen counter.
 26

GRAHAM: I paid for a bed on an Indian train once and woke up in the night to use the
toilet. When I came back to my room, there were six people sleeping on my bed.

LUKE: I hear people shit in the aisles of the train.

GRAHAM: I never saw that. But I was on an airplane from Calcutta to Bangkok and an
Indian woman laid her blanket and pillow in the aisle of the plane and set up a little
cookstove before a flight attendant disappointed her and made her move back to her
seat.

LUKE: She was actually going to cook in the aisle of the plane?

GRAHAM: Hey, in India, they do it on trains. It was her first plane trip so how would she
know anything different?

LUKE: How’d she even get that stuff on a plane?

GRAHAM: Good question. But security didn’t used to be what it is today. I carried a
chainsaw onto a plane before 9-11.

CASSIE: Hey, help yourself to some international stew.

MARCO moves to the kitchen and takes a jug of wine from a cupboard and pulls
out a few glasses.

MARCO: Anyone want wine?

GRAHAM: Thanks (finishing his water and extending his glass to be filled).

MARCO checks with others and fills glasses with wine.

JACQUE: My favorite country is not Mexico. I go pee pee behind a building and go to
jail.

LUKE: Yeah. We were in Mexico and I had to bail him out of jail. The police took all our
money and we had to fly home to France.

CASSIE: What did he do? To get arrested I mean.

LUKE: He took a piss behind a bar and a policeman put him in handcuffs.

CASSIE: People piss anywhere they want in Mexico. And I mean anywhere. They do it
in broad daylight on busy streets.

JACQUE: Yes. They want money from foreigner. Big asshole policeman. In jail I asked
for toilet paper, and he say I to use hand for taking shit (puts his hand in the air).
 27

TREVOR: Whoa. Mexico is definitely not my favorite country either.

GRAHAM: Ah. You can have good and bad things happen in any country. I’ve had
some good stuff happen in Mexico.

TREVOR: How about Peru. I’ve heard some scary stuff about Peru.

GRAHAM: Peru was bad during the Shining Path. You know, back during the
Sandinista. It’s good now. Back then, tourists were afraid to go there, and the economy
sucked. So if you were a tourist back then, you were a target and were likely to get pick-
pocketed… or worse. I was on a train and put my pack down on the seat next to me
when a little old grey-haired Inca woman asked me to help her open the window. I
turned to open the window and her partner grabbed my pack and started to run with it.
And this well-dressed man sitting with his family across the aisle from me chased after
him. He knocked the thief to the floor, pulled out a gun, pistol-whipped him and tossed
him off the moving train. And …I got my pack back.

CASSIE: Oh yeah!

TREVOR: Wow. (beat) Good story. So you’ve traveled to a lot of places?

GRAHAM: Me? Yeah. I guess. Sounds like all you guys have done some traveling.

TREVOR: How long are you traveling for?

GRAHAM: Well. This trip? More or less, 12 years.

TREVOR: 12 years?! Without going home?

GRAHAM: Yeah. More or less.

TREVOR: Holy shit. 12 years. I don’t mean to be nosy, but don’t you ever have to work.

GRAHAM: (laughing) I do. I’m a photographer. I’m working now.

CASSIE: That’s the kind of job I want.

ANNA: Me too.

LUKE: Lucky.

GRAHAM: Choices. Not luck. The only luck involved is that you weren’t born in Burundi
or some unfortunate place like that, where you don’t have a choice.

TREVOR: Where is Burundi?

 28

GRAHAM: It’s ah, like northwest of Tanzania. You know where that is?

TREVOR: Yeah, kinda. Have you been there?

GRAHAM: I have.

TREVOR: How was that?

GRAHAM: Burundi or Tanzania?

TREVOR: I was thinking Burundi.

CASSIE: I heard it’s rough.

GRAHAM: Yeah. It’s rough.

TREVOR: Where else have you been?

GRAHAM: (slightly laughing) I’ve been to a few places. You guys have better things to
talk about.

GRAHAM moves to the check-in counter and nods for Barb to join him on the
couch. SHE follows him and sits.

LIGHTS SLIGHTLY DIM IN KITCHEN. The OTHERS talk and eat and clean up.

BARB: Sounds like you’ve been around the world since college.

GRAHAM: Yeah. Pretty much.

BARB: What happened to Stephanie?

GRAHAM: (taking a deep breath) We didn’t make it past my senior year.

BARB: No kidding. That’s about when Spencer and I got married.

GRAHAM: Stephanie was always jealous of you.

BARB: Well she had no reason. She’s all you ever talked about.

GRAHAM: That’s because you made me nervous.

BARB: I did not.

GRAHAM: Yeah you did. You were smart and beautiful (beat) and you could beat me at
chess. You scared the shit outta me.
 29

BARB: (chuckling) Well that’s news to me. I guess I’m not as smart as you thought I
was.

GRAHAM: So you married Spencer. Good guy. How long did that last?

BARB: Ten years. Not all good ones but I got a great kid outta the deal.

GRAHAM: You had a kid.

BARB: Yea. He’s grown. How about you. Any kids?

GRAHAM: No. I have a niece and nephew. They’re grown too. (beat) How did you end
up here?

BARB: My son and I used to come up here and visit the old man who owned the place.
He died about five years ago and left it to us. This and a whole lot more.

GRAHAM: Now that is lucky.

BARB: I love it but can’t do it year-round. We close up for six months a year.

GRAHAM: What do you do for six months?

BARB: Travel.

GRAHAM: Where do you go?

BARB: I’ve been to a few places. (beat) Like Burundi.

GRAHAM: (smiling and nodding) Antarctica?

BARB: (nodding) Yeah.

GRAHAM: India?

BARB: Yeah.

GRAHAM: (nodding) All 50 states?

BARB: (nodding) Yep.

GRAHAM: (beat) Irian Jaya?

BARB: (smiling) Twice.

GRAHAM: How have we not run into each other before now?
 30

THEY laugh.

GRAHAM: Hey, do you have a chess set?

BARB: I do. And I can still whip your ass.

BARB stands to retrieve the chess set. LIGHTS UP IN KITCHEN. ASHLEY being
very familiar with Luke. MARCO talks with Anna and Cassie.

GRAHAM: I don’t think so (following her).

BARB starts to set the board up on the kitchen table that is now cleared. HER
cellphone rings. SHE answers, holds HER finger up to GRAHAM who sets up the
board.

BARB: (walking away) Hey Stu. What’s up? (beat) Yeah. I have seven tonight. (beat)
Oh. Wow. Anyone hurt? (beat) Okay. (beat) Right. Do we need to do anything? (beat)
No, I think we’re set for the time being. We have plenty of food. But thanks. (beat). I will.
(beat) Keep me posted.

MARCO: What was that?

BARB: Fires.

EVERYONE looks at her.

MARCO: How close?

BARB: They’re not close. Just that they’re closing the road.

MARCO: Is the airport still open?

BARB: It is right now. Nothing anyone here has to worry about.

CASSIE: Well that’s good (returning to her conversations with Marco and Anna).

LUKE: How is it rough? (to Graham) Burundi.

GRAHAM: Oh, just not real comfortable sometimes.

BARB: Not always clean.

GRAHAM: Not always food.

BARB: Not always internet.

 31

GRAHAM: Not always safe.

ANNA: (looking at her phone) Hey, internet! It’s seven!

ANNA and JACQUE move to the couch with their phones. MARCO leans against
the kitchen counter and stares at his phone. CASSIE, ASHLEY, TREVOR, and
LUKE share a table. TREVOR is on an iPad. GRAHAM and BARB at their own
table starting a game of chess. There is total silence for 30 seconds. TREVOR
bursts into laughter. EVERYONE looks up at him.

TREVOR: Oh. Sorry (pointing at his screen). Black bear cubs playing in a hammock.
Sorry.

EVERYONE looks down again. BARB stares at the chessboard before moving a
pawn. There is silence when BONNIE enters the room unnoticed and looks
around at everyone. SHE waves her arms in the air, but no one looks up. SHE
wiggles her rear end at them while looking over her shoulder and gets no
response. SHE smiles, puts both hands in the air, and skips forward and
backwards crossing her legs over each other with each step (ala a made-up
dance). SHE looks back at them, turns around, and walks toward the upstage.
SHE hip punches the air.

BONNIE: Chill out man.

EVERYONE looks at her for a few seconds, then back at their computers,
phones, or chess game. BONNIE picks up a broom and starts sweeping.
MARCO picks up a dish of Oreo cookies from the coffee table and carries to
Bonnie and holds up the plate.

MARCO: Oreo?

They each take an Oreo.

MARCO: You should try out for Dancing With the Stars.

BONNIE: (giving him a look) You should bite me (continuing to sweep).

MARCO: (laughs) Your slang is improving (returning to the couch).

BARB: Remember Dan Stillmark?

GRAHAM: (concentrating on the chessboard) The guy that wore a bowtie?

BARB: Yeah. Big Bang Theory Sheldon. Right? Wanna see if we can find him? (pulling
out her phone)
 32

GRAHAM: Are you trying to break my concentration?

BARB: Kind of.

GRAHAM: Why do you want to find him?

BARB: I don’t know. Don’t you ever wonder where people are? People you used to
know.

GRAHAM: Not really. Did you try and find me?

BARB: You’re not on Facebook.

GRAHAM: You did. You tried to find me.

BARB: Maybe (looking at her phone). He’s not under Dan Stillmark.

GRAHAM: Try Daniel (still focusing on the chessboard).

BARB: K. Oh shit. Here he is.

GRAHAM moves next to her and looks at her phone. THEIR heads nearly
touching.

GRAHAM: Is that him? It is. Shit. Caltech. Really? He is Sheldon.

THEY look at each other, pause, lean in, pause, and kiss. No one notices.

GRAHAM: Stephanie finally has something to be jealous about.

BARB: She had something to be jealous of back then.

GRAHAM: Yeah. She did.

THEY kiss again.

LIGHTS OUT.

ACT l

Scene 2
 33

SETTING: Central living area of Cosmic Hostel

AT RISE: LIGHTS UP on BONNIE sweeping the floor. BARB

is quietly making coffee. LUKE is quietly following ASHLEY
through the main room from the dorm. LUKE is carrying her
suitcase.

ASHLEY: Thank you for everything Barb. I’m going to try and catch my plane before
they close the airport because of the fire.

BARB: Okay. Good luck. (to Luke) You going to help her down the hill?

ASHLEY: No, no I can make it.

LUKE: (shrugging) I offered.

LUKE follows her to the front door and sets the suitcase down. HE pulls her into
his arms for a major make-out session while BARB and BONNIE watch. LUKE
closes the door behind her, and HE tiptoes back to the dorm. MARCO comes
stealthily out of his room and signals ANNA and CASSIE to come out and go to
the dorm. BONNIE and BARB watch. As soon as the two tiptoeing girls come into
view, MARCO spots BONNIE and signals her to shush. Then HE sees BARB
who’s standing, watching with her hands on her hips. MARCO puts his hands in
the air as the girls pass Barb.

CASSIE: (whispering) Morning Barb.

ANNA: (whispering) Morning Barb.

MARCO struts into the kitchen in a pair of boxer-shorts BONNIE swats him with
her broom. MARCO picks up a spray bottle off the nearest counter and sprays
Bonnie. They spray and swat. HE grabs a coffee cup and holds it up for BARB to
fill.

BARB: Really?

MARCO: (smiling) Really.

BARB: I don’t know why I put up with you.

MARCO: I know why.

SHE fills his coffee cup and her own. THEY lean back against the kitchen
counter as GRAHAM enters through the hallway wearing only a pair of boxer
shorts, and struts into the kitchen. HE grabs BARB around the waist, pulls her
 34

close, and gives her a big kiss and moans. MARCO puts his hands on his hips.
BONNIE stops sweeping to watch.

GRAHAM: Good morning to you.

MARCO: What the fuck?

GRAHAM: Excuse me?

MARCO: What…the…fuck.

GRAHAM: Is this really any of your business?

MARCO: Uh. Yeah (throwing his hands in the air).

GRAHAM: Uh. I don’t think so (mimicking him with his hands in the air).

MARCO: Uh. I do.

THEY both look at Barb.

MARCO: Really?

BARB: Really.

GRAHAM: Really?

MARCO: Mom?

GRAHAM: (looking at Barb) Mom?

BARB: Graham, meet my son Marco. Marco. Get over it.

MARCO: Fine role model you are.

SHE kisses GRAHAM on the lips and pours his coffee. THEY all stand in silence
leaning against the counter. Barb’s phone near the computer gives out an
emergency signal alert. SHE rushes to her phone. MARCO follows her. BONNIE
rushes to their side.

GRAHAM: What’s that?

MARCO: Emergency alert. It means somethings wrong.

BARB, BONNIE, and MARCO stare at the phone.

 35

BARB: The fire crossed the highway, and all roads are closed. They closed the airport
too.

Phone rings.

BARB: Hi Stu. (beat) Yeah, I saw. (beat) Nope. We have plenty of food. But thanks.
(beat) Yep. I’ll let you know. I’ll get online right now and check the updates. Thank you.

SHE hangs up.

GRAHAM: Who’s Stu?

MARCO: Her boyfriend.

BARB: He’ not my boyfriend.

MARCO: He’d like to be your boyfriend.

BARB: He’ not my boyfriend.

GRAHAM: Wait. You have internet?

BARB: Of course we have internet.

GRAHAM: You have internet all the time?

BONNIE: You can’t run business without internet.

GRAHAM: Right. (beat - looking at Marco) You think we should put some clothes on? I
mean in case we have to evacuate or something.

THEY look at each other’s boxers and exit. BONNIE pours herself a cup of
coffee.

BONNIE: (holding her coffee cup in the air) You have more stronger something?
Whiskey maybe?

BARB (laughs and shakes her head) You know where we keep it.

BONNIE pulls a bottle of whiskey from the back of a cupboard and pours a shot
into her coffee, returns the bottle, and leans against the counter to observe.
JACQUE enters, smells the coffee, takes a cup, points and to the pot. BARB
nods her head and HE pours himself a cup. TREVOR walks into the room
scratching his head.

TREVOR: Did we have an earthquake?

 36

BARB: Not that I know of. There’s coffee made. Help yourself.

TREVOR: I could a sworn we had an earthquake.

BARB: Wait. Are you in the bunk above Luke?

TREVOR: Yeah. I think that’s Luke.

BARB: Oh, then yes. You felt an earthquake.

MARCO reenters with clothes on.

MARCO: We had an earthquake?

JACQUE: You make mistake words. Was not earthquake. Was Luke making love to
beautiful woman.

TREVOR: Whaaaaat?

BONNIE: T-M-I (gloating over her use of slang).

MARCO: (to Bonnie) Great slang.

BONNIE: Thanks, bestie (more gloating).

MARCO: (to Barb) Hard not to get caught in the dorm room. Bonnie, would you mind
tightening the bolts on the dorm beds again?

BONNIE: Got it boss. And I’ll get it a squirt of Double-D 40. You want coffee?

MARCO: I’ll get it, thanks. I’m afraid you might spike it with W-D 40. And it’s W. Not
double-D, by the way. W-D 40.

BONNIE: (giving him a thumbs-up) Thanks. You should know. You keep it next to your
bed.

EVERYONE gives Marco a strange look.

MARCO: Because my headboard squeaks!

BONNIE: Sure.

MARCO: No. It really squeaks (pleading to everyone). Really. It was squeaking.

BONNIE: Squeaking, sneaking.

 37

MARCO: You mean squeaking, schmeaking.

BONNIE: So you say.

BONNIE picks up her toolbox and moves to fix the dorm bed. MARCO follows
her, mocking her walk. BONNIE turns quickly and MARCO quickly stops,
whistles, and innocently looks at the ceiling and around the room. She turns
away again, and HE makes a funny face toward her and sticks his tongue out at
her. SHE does one last turn and finds HIM acting innocent, then continues to
leave her toolbox in the dorm and return to the kitchen. The front door swings
open and ASHLEY enters.

ASHLEY: (somewhat hysterical) Oh - My - God. The airport is closed.

LUKE enters from dorm, drying his hair with a towel.

LUKE: You’re back.

ASHLEY: (somewhat hysterical) There’s a fire and we’re boxed in.

BARB: We’re safe Ashley. The roads are only closed to travelers. Emergency vehicles
are still able to get through.

GRAHAM enters fully dressed.

GRAHAM: Okay. I’m ready to evacuate whenever the rest of you are.

ASHLEY: Oh my god. Are we evacuating?

BARB: We’re not evacuating.

GRAHAM: I was joking.

ASHLEY rolls her bag back into the dorm room.

ASHLEY: I haven’t technically checked out, so I hope it’s okay if I don’t.

GRAHAM sits at the table with an empty cup of coffee. BONNIE fills his cup and
whispers in his ear.

GRAHAM: (looking at her sideways) Now that’s a tough thing to turn down. I would have
said yes 20 years ago. But no. I’m only good for so much in one day.

BONNIE starts making another pot of coffee. CASSIE enters from dorm and
stands next to Bonnie.
 38

CASSIE: Good morning everyone. How are you all doing today?

BONNIE whispers in Cassie’s ear.

CASSIE: (excited) Really? That’s a new one for me. Let me get a cup of coffee in me
and (beat) think about that.

ANNA: (from the dorm doorway) Morning.

STU enters from the front door, followed by Charlotte, and George McCowan and
Jonathan. Oliver is on the porch downstage right (on right apron) smoking a
cigarette. ANNA goes for a cup of coffee. GEORGE rushes over to kiss each of
Barb’s cheeks.

GEORGE: Oh Barb. They closed us down.

JONATHAN: They didn’t close us down. They ordered us to evacuate. Hello dear. I
hope you have room for us (kissing the air next to Barb’s cheek).

BARB: Of course, we do.

STU: Sorry to do this to you Barb. But the only other place we have for them to stay is
the jail.

BARB: You’re alright Stu. You did the right thing. I imagine you’re pretty stressed out
with all of this.

BONNIE: Stressed? I can help.

BONNIE moves toward Stu and leans to whisper in his ear.

MARCO: No! No! Wait Bonnie (taking her shoulders and walking her away from Stu).
Not now.

STU: What?

MARCO: Nothing.

STU: Okay. Well you’re all good here (starting to leave and then turning back) Oh yeah,
one more thing. Oliver is outside. He doesn’t want to come in.

BARB: Fine with me.

STU: He can’t sleep out there.

 39

BARB: Why not?

STU: Barb.

BARB. He can come in.

STU: Yeah. Well, he won’t.

BARB: He’ll come in if it gets cold enough.

STU: It looks like you have more people than you have beds.

BARB: I got it covered.

STU: You want me to bring up an extra mattress?

BARB: No thanks Stu. I got it covered.

STU: Extra blankets?

BARB: Stu. I really have everything we need at the moment. I’ll let you know if we need
anything. I’m sure you have plenty of other business to take care of. But thank you.
You’re always so thoughtful.

STU: Yeah. Okay. But just say the word if you need anything.

BARB: As always Stu. Thanks.

STU reluctantly leaves passing OLIVER, now sitting on the porch. JONATHAN
evaluates the chess game.

STU: (leaning his head back in the door) Don’t forget about Oliver.

BARB: He’s hard to forget. Thanks Stu. Bonnie, can you please pull the sheets on bed
8? If that’s okay with you Graham.

GRAHAM: Put me on the couch. Hell, put me on the floor.

BARB: I’m going to put you in my bed.

MARCO: Lots of discretion going on here. Should I get the dictionary?

GRAHAM: Even better. Where are you going to sleep? (winking at her and lets go a
little laugh)

TREVOR: How’s that going to work?

 40

GRAHAM: I’m going to sleep in Barb’s bed… (whispering) and we’re very likely going to
have sex.

TREVOR: (whispering) How is it that you know you’re going to have sex with someone
you just connected with yesterday?

ASHLEY: (whispering) It can happen.

GRAHAM: (whispering) Right. And I know that because we already had sex last night
and this morning and we both enjoyed it. So you see how that works?

GEORGE kisses Barb’s cheek again.

GEORGE: Good for you dear.

JACQUE: I know Luke make love with Ashley last night in the bottom bunk and woke up
Trevor. Not an earthquake.

MARCO: You always get caught if you do it in the dorm room.

BONNIE: I’m going to fix that bed.

BARB: Thank you Bonnie,

BONNIE: Totes.

CASSIE: I can sleep in Marco’s bed.

ANNA: Me too.

EVERYONE looks at Marco.

MARCO: What?

ASHLEY: Jeez (shaking her head).

MARCO: (to Ashley) What?

ASHELY: Never mind.

The front door flies open and HILDA backs in the door pulling a suitcase. SHE
turns around to see everyone, spies Marco, and races into his arms.

HILDA: Marco darling! I was so worried about you.

 41

MARCO: Hilda!

HILDA holds his head in her hands and kisses him loudly all over his face.

HILDA: I missed you so much.

MARCO: My god. How did you get here? I thought/

HILDA is now groping Marco.

HILDA: I chartered a helicopter. I was so worried about you when you didn’t answer all
my messages last night.

CASSIE and ANNA look up innocently and around the room. JACQUE looks at
Cassie and Anna.

JACQUE: (clearing his throat) I am still available.

CASSIE and ANNA consider. CHARLOTTE stunned by all the conversation.

TREVOR: Yeah. I can also share a bed. I’m really good at that.

BARB: Okay then, let’s get everyone settled in here. Hello Hilda.

HILDA lets go of Marco long enough to unemotionally kiss Barb’s cheek,

HILDA: Barb.

BARB: Hilda. (to Charlotte) I need your passports. Can you please ask your husband for
his?

MARCO leads HILDA to HIS room. BONNIE cleans the kitchen. GRAHAM sits
down to the chessboard. BARB gives GEORGE two towels, and he heads to the
dorm with his suitcase giving Jonathan a pat on the bum as he passes.
JONATHAN studies the chess game. ASHLEY and LUKE retreat to the dorm.
CASSIE and ANNA talk on the couch with TREVOR. JONATHAN extends his
hand to Graham while staring at the chessboard.

JONATHAN: I’m Jonathan.

GRAHAM shakes Jonathan’s hand without taking his eyes off the chessboard.

GRAHAM: Nice to meet you. I’m Graham.

CHARLOTTE exits to the porch.

 42

CHARLOTTE: I need your passport dear.

OLIVER: I’m not going inside.

CHARLOTTE: You’re going to have to come in sooner or later. You’ll freeze to death
out here.

OLIVER: I’d rather freeze to death than go back in there.

CHARLOTTE: Just give me our passports.

OLIVER: But I’m not coming inside (handing her their passports).

GEORGE immediately returns from dorm to join them on the porch, giving
Jonathan another pat on the bum as he passes. Once on the porch, HE lights a
cigarette. CHARLOTTE takes the passports inside and gives them to Barb.
JONATHAN sits at the chess table, pulls out his phone and focuses on it.

GEORGE: (to Oliver) Barb has the best view of anyone. Course you can see a lot
further when there isn’t so much smoke in the air.

OLIVER: Those black panels don’t help the view any.

GEORGE: (Looking at him questionably) You know they’re solar panels, right?

OLIVER: I know what they are.

THEY smoke in silence.

GEORGE: So you’re from New Zealand?

OLIVER: Yeah. South Island.

GEORGE: Small world. We had a second honeymoon on the South Island. We love it
there.

OLIVER gives a grunt and looks off into the distance. GRAHAM comes out to the
porch and lights a cigarette, admiring the view.

GRAHAM: It doesn’t get much better than this.

OLIVER: I could do with a view without the solar panels. Should have put them
someplace else.

GRAHAM: That’s south (pointing). They wouldn’t do much good behind the house.
 43

OLIVER: They’re stupid. Maybe she should have consulted a man before she put them
up. Or maybe she shouldn’t have put them up at all.

GRAHAM: Ooooh-kay. You having a bad day?

OLIVER: I’ve had better. Queers and women running hotels? (gives Graham a once-
over and shakes his head) What are you?

GRAHAM: Excuse me?

OLIVER: You a faggot too?

GEORGE shoots Oliver a shocking look with questioning hand motions.

GRAHAM: (looking at George and back at Oliver – hands in the air) I’m a …reptilian
humanoid.

OLIVER: You’re joking.

CHARLOTTE: (poking her head out the screen door) Oliver, do you want a top bunk or
a lower one?

OLIVER: I don’t want any kind of bunk.

CHARLOTTE: I’m going to put you on the bottom because of your balance… and the
bathroom. I don’t want you climbing down that ladder in the middle of the night (beat)
three times (going back inside and walking back into the dorm).

GRAHAM: Bladder and balance? Join the club.

OLIVER: My balance is fine. What do you young people know about anything anyway?

GRAHAM: Hey old man. I’m a card-holding AARP member. And my equilibrium is
messed up. I know a little bit.

OLIVER: I’m sure you do. You young people know everything. Did you mess your
equilibrium up smoking too much marijuana?

GRAHAM: Yeah. That’s probably what did it. (beat) Oh no wait. That was just after
getting shot in the head in Vietnam.

GRAHAM puts out his cigarette out with an attitude and goes inside to the
kitchen table.

GEORGE: You get shot in the head too?

 44

GEORGE puts his cigarette out and follows Graham into the kitchen. OLIVER
doesn’t acknowledge either. HE sits on the porch and pulls his cellphone out of
his shirt pocket. HE types something and focuses on his phone.

GEORGE: (to Graham) What a dick head.

GRAHAM: Yeah, (to Barb) what’s with the New Zealand guy?

BARB: We just aren’t his people.

GRAHAM: Who are his people?

GEORGE: Not me.

TREVOR: Not me.

ANNA: Not me.

CASSIE: I’m going to try and be his friend.

BARB: Good for you Cassie. How do you plan to do that?

ANNA: Get all of us to leave the hostel?

TREVOR: (beat) Have a sex change. (looking around the room, then apologetically) I
don’t think he’s as toxic to men.

GRAHAM: Well he is.

GEORGE: He is.

TREVOR: I wonder why he’s here in the first place.

GEORGE: I’m sure he took a wrong turn somewhere. I don’t think he means to be here.

CHARLOTTE enter from dorm in time to hear George’s statement.

CHARLOTTE: Oliver has some business to take care of. Do you have towels for us?

BARB: Of course (pulling two folded towels from behind the counter). Need anything
else?

CASSIE: What kind of business?

CHARLOTTE: He doesn’t like me to talk about his business. You’ll have to ask him.
 45

GEORGE: Why is he so angry?

CHARLOTTE: (keeping her voice down) We’ll he refuses to go poo in any of these
toilets, so I believe he’s somewhat constipated.

JONATHAN: Oh that’s no good. That can cause some serious repercussions.

GEORGE: He’s a nurse (nodding toward Jonathan).

JONATHAN: Seriously. It’s dangerous. How long has it been?

CHARLOTTE: (talking quietly) We know it’s dangerous. He did this once before. That
was on a 10-day cruise. He refused to use the ship’s bathroom. It’s only been five days
this time, and he isn’t eating as much so he should be okay.

JONATHAN: Still. What happened last time? I mean did he have to be (beat) treated.

CHARLOTTE: Yes. By the ship’s doctor. Eventually the pain got to him. The doctor
gave him some medicine and he ended up using the ship’s toilet after all…after 9 days.

TREVOR: Nothing wrong with the toilets on a cruise ship.

JONATHAN: I can check on him if you’d like.

GRAHAM: I don’t think he’d be too happy with that.

GEORGE: (shaking his head) You can’t help him dear.

CHARLOTTE: I also believe Oliver is just about out of cigarettes. That definitely
stresses him out. (to Barb) You don’t happen to sell them here, do you?

BARB: ‘Fraid not. George? How’s your supply?

GEORGE: Depends how long we’re going to be up here. I have a couple days’ worth.

GRAHAM: (in a normal voice level) I have a case of cigarettes I’ll share with him…if he
comes inside and asks me for them.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, I don’t think he’ll do that. He isn’t good at asking for things.

GRAHAM: Well then, I guess he’s going to run out of cigarettes.

JONATHAN: He’s going to have to poop sooner or later. Or he’s going to have a lot
more to be stressed out about than missing his cigarettes.

CASSIE: (jumping to her feet) Hey, who’s hungry for breakfast? I’m cooking.
 46

TREVOR: I’ll help.

ANNA and TREVOR move into the kitchen and start cooking with CASSIE.

CHARLOTTE: I’ll help.

OLIVER: (yelling from the porch) No you won’t!

CHARLOTTE: (looking toward the porch then at the cooks, whispering) Maybe I can
help with dinner.

CHARLOTTE exits to dorm. GRAHAM walks over to BARB, takes her hand, and
walks her to the couch, sits, and lays her down putting her head on his lap. He
strokes her head.

GRAHAM: How do you do this day in and day out.

BARB: For six months a year. (beat) I love it.

GRAHAM: But guys like him (nodding to the porch).

OLIVER: I can hear you.

GRAHAM: Let me know if you need a cigarette.

Barb’s phone near the computer gives out an emergency signal alert. SHE jumps
up and rushes to it and reads the notice on the phone. BONNIE rushes over from
the kitchen. MARCO emerges from his room, hair messed up, pulling on a shirt
halfway over his head. ASHLEY and LUKE come out of the dorm.

MARCO: What is it?

OLIVER barges in through the front door.

OLIVER: Do we have an emergency?

TREVOR: Another earthquake?

HILDA: (from offstage) Marco! Come back in here Marco!

BARB: The wind changed. The road is closed. Even to emergency vehicles.

ASHLEY: Oh my god, are we all going to die?

EVERYONE looks at her.

 47

BARB: I could use everyone’s help watering down the property and making sure nothing
combustible is near the house. Bonnie. Marco.

BONNIE: A-OK. Copy that. Going with the flow. Marco, you get buckets. We need
Everyone. Follow me guys.

EVERYONE except BARB and OLIVER follows Marco and Bonnie out the front
door and offstage. OLIVER runs past everyone to the dorm holding his bum,
taking small steps. BARB makes it as far as the porch and HER phone rings.

BARB: (answering phone) Hi Stu. Yeah. I heard. Where are you? Yeah, that’s okay. We
don’t need anything at the moment. We have plenty of food. (beat) Yep. That’s what
we’re doing now. I will. You too.

BARB hangs up and exits off porch and downstage right.

HILDA: (appears at his door in wrapped in a bedsheet) Marco? Marco? (becoming

angry) Marco!

LIGHTS OUT

5-MINUTE INTERMISSION FOR ACTORS

ACT 2

Scene 1

SETTING: Central living area of Cosmic Hostel

AT RISE: LIGHTS UP HALFWAY on BARB and GRAHAM

playing chess, Bonnie using sandpaper or a planer to even
the edge of the dormitory door. LUKE and ASHLEY on the
couch. CASSIE and TREVOR prepping food in the kitchen.
ANNA trying to light the stove. OLIVER and CHARLOTTE at
a table playing cards. JONATHAN at chess table
concentrating on his cellphone.

ANNA: Is there some reason the stove won’t light Barb?

BARB: The power’s out. Use a match. On the counter to your right.
 48

EVERYONE looks up at Barb. ANNA tries to light the stove.

BARB: It’s been out for over an hour. We have a generator if we need it.

OLIVER: I need to charge my phone.

GRAHAM: Don’t we all.

ANNA can’t light the stove and BONNIE walks over and lights it first try. SHE
goes back to the door – oiling the hinges after satisfied with her sanding.

OLIVER: When will you run the generator?

BARB: The plug next to the sink runs on a solar generator. You can charge your phones
there. I’m not running the big generator until tonight.

GRAHAM: (looking at Oliver) Yeah. You can charge your phone thanks to those black
solar panels.

OLIVER types on his cellphone then returns it to his pocket, stands and
approaches Graham.

OLIVER: Give me a cigarette.

CHARLOTTE: (under her breath) Please.

OLIVER: Please.

GRAHAM: Oh sorry. I don’t have them anymore. I put Cassie in charge of my

cigarettes.

OLIVER: Which one is Cassie?

GRAHAM nods to Cassie who smiles and waves.

OLIVER: (to Cassie) Give me a cigarette (looking at CHARLOTTE, looking around the
room, then rolling his eyes) please.

CASSIE: Of course! How many would you like?

OLIVER: (looking at EVERYONE watching him) Ten.

CASSIE: Ten it is (reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, counts ten
and hands them to Oliver). Be careful where you put your cigarette butts. Fire, you
know.
 49

OLIVER: I know.

OLIVER moves to the porch to smoke. GRAHAM goes out for a cigarette. BARB
moves to the chess game.

OLIVER: What did you do in the war?

GRAHAM: (lighting a cigarette) I flew helicopters.

There is a loud gurgling sound and OLIVER holds his stomach.

GRAHAM: Is that you?

OLIVER: Yeah. I’m fine.

OLIVER lets go a long, loud fart.

GRAHAM: Jeez. You don’t sound fine.

OLIVER: I’m fine. (beat) I missed fighting in any wars.

GRANHAM: Lucky you.

OLIVER: I was a ship captain. I was on a ship that blew up about 7 years ago. I broke
just about everything in my body a person could break. I spent two years in the hospital.
I’m still not myself. And I get dizzy sometimes (farting again). Excuse me.

GRAHAM: (nodding) Yeah. Sounds like you’re lucky to be alive.

OLIVER: Except for the part where everyone thinks I’m an ass hole. Sometimes I wish
the explosion killed me.

GRAHAM: Well look. You can’t really blame people for treating you like an asshole
when you actually act like one. You do know they’re not responsible for what happened
to you, right?

OLIVER: Yeah. (beat) But they gave me someone else’s blood. Maybe I got an
asshole’s blood.

GRAHAM: Yeah. You keep thinking that.

OLIVER: I’m pretty sure he isn’t an asshole.

GRAHAM: And how would you know that?

 50

OLIVER: We have kind of a friendship. We communicate sometimes. I sent him a thank

you and we found out we had things in common.

GRAHAM: What do you have in common?

OLIVER: Chess, for one. We play chess. Online.

GRAHAM: For 7 years?

OLIVER: Six and a half. His letters and our chess games are what kept me sane when I
was in the hospital. He’s really my only friend, besides Charlotte. He’s American.

GRAHAM: And you’ve never met him?

OLIVER: Not in person. But we know each other in a way.

GRAHAM: That’s… kinda sweet.

OLIVER: I’ve been studying his last move and planning mine. That’s why I want to
charge my phone.

GRAHAM: Of course. It’s your move.

OLIVER: Yeah. I have the move. If we can ever get online. (beat) Did you really get shot
in the head?

GRAHAM: I did.

OLIVER: That probably wasn’t much fun.

GRAHAM: I spent eight months in a hospital in Vietnam.

OLIVER: That’s bad luck.

GRAHAM: My entire unit was killed while I was in there recovering.

OLIVER: Aaaand… that’s good luck.

GRAHAM: Yep.

OLIVER: Eight months, huh? So what happened to your PTSD? You had to be pretty
crazy after that.

GRAHAM: I’m still pretty crazy.

OLIVER: But people like you.

 51

GRAHAM: Well, I’m crazy… I’m just not an asshole. Not now anyway.

OLIVER: But you were?

GRAHAM: I was. When I first got out of the war, I was a major asshole. Until I met up
with an old drinking buddy of mine. He got sober about the same time I got shot. And
right about the time I got out of the hospital, he had a surfing accident and broke his
neck. He’s been in a wheelchair ever since. (beat) Can’t even feed himself. That’s when
I stopped being an asshole.

THEY BOTH stared off into the distance. GRAHAM opens the front door to enter
but looks back out at Oliver.

GRAHAM: How’s your stomach?

OLIVER: OLIVER: I’ve taken the necessary steps.

GRAHAM: Meaning?

OLIVER: It’s taken care of.

GRAHAM: You (raising his eyebrows and making a forward circular motion with a
finger).

OLIVER: I (raising his eyebrows, nodding, and making a forward circular motion with a
finger, then put both hands in front of him and shaking his head no). Don’t worry about
me.

GRAHAM: Okay. Good (with one hand in the air stopping further conversation, turning
to go inside).

OLIVER: So you think I should stop being such an asshole?

GRAHAM: What do you think?

GRAHAM goes inside and sits at the chess table. OLIVER pulls his phone out
and types before returning it to his pocket, then goes inside to look over Barb’s
shoulder at the chess game. HE shakes his head tut-tutting in judgement, starts
to say something, then looks at Graham and stops, then joins Charlotte at the
other table. HILDA enters from Marco’s room wearing a sexy robe and
sauntering to the coffee pot. EVERYONE watches her.

HILDA: So what’s the latest? Are we all going to die up here? Wouldn’t that be
something? (picks up empty coffee pot) Oh no. No coffee. Who’s in charge of coffee?
 52

BARB: Oh, I’m sorry. Our chef is outside cooking filet minion in that fire that’s burning
out of control…you know… outside our door.

HILDA: Ha ha. Very funny Barb.

MARCO enters from his room, crossing to the kitchen wearing jeans and no shirt.

MARCO: What’s funny?

HILDA: Oh Marco would you be a darling and make me a cup of coffee with steamed
milk.

ANNA: We’re out of milk.

HILDA: Well that won’t do. Marco sweetheart. Can you run down and get me some?
Unless there’s cream here… or half and half?

EVERYONE still staring at Hilda. CHARLOTTE and OLIVER talking quietly to

each other. EVERYONE goes back to their business.

HILDA: What’s everyone looking at? Is it asking too much for a little milk?

MARCO: The road is closed mi amor. The store is closed.

HILDA: Oh my god. Please don’t tell me you’re out of spirulina?

EVERYONE looks at Hilda.

HILDA: Marco, I need my smoothie. Can we leave?

MARCO: We can’t leave Hilda.

EVERYONE goes back to their own business.

HILDA: I can get a helicopter again.

EVERYONE looks at Hilda.

MARCO: Let’s let the helicopters fight the fire.

HILDA: I am so mad at that fire (pounding her hand on the counter, then stomping back
to Marco’s room).

CHARLOTTE and OLIVER getting louder. HE gets riled up EVERYONE looks at

Oliver. CHARLOTTE tries to calm him down. HE pounds his hands on the table
and stands.
 53

OLIVER: Why is everyone so concerned about my bowel movements? I took a shit. Hey
everyone. You hear that? I shit already!

EVERYONE watches OLIVER stomp out to the porch. HE types into his phone.
EVERYONE goes back to their own business.

GEORGE: (passing through the living room checking out whatever is being cooked)
Looks good guys. (joins Oliver on the porch for a cigarette) Nasty habit. I promised
Jonathan I’d quit someday. What’s that you’re doing on your phone?

OLIVER: (putting his cellphone away) Nothing.

GEORGE: You taking notes there?

OLIVER: No. It’s nothing.

GEORGE: Yeah, I’m used to it. Jonathan plays games on his phone.

THEY look into the distance.

OLIVER: Where did you go on the South Island?

GEORGE: Lake Wanaka. Do you know it?

OLIVER: Yea. It’s a big lake. Its near where I live.

GEORGE: It’s been years since we were there. We’ll go back someday. We have a
friend there we want to visit.

OLIVER: Go in the summer, well your winter.

GEORGE: Right.

Barb’s phone rings alerting GEORGE and OLIVER to go inside for news. Oliver
stands next to Charlotte. George stands behind Jonathan.

BARB: What’s up Stu. (beat) Oh that’s terrible. How bad is he? (beat).

MARCO and BONNIE go to Barb’s side.

BARB: Just Jonathan then? (beat) Okay, I’ll ask. Yeah. (beat) And do they all have a
place to stay? Okay. I’ll let Jonathan know. See you soon (hanging up).

MARCO: What’s up?

 54

BARB: There’s been an accident and they’re helicoptering in for blood. Hey everyone.
That was the police. The next house down the road just burnt to the ground. One of the
firefighters dropped 40 feet in the rescue. He’s okay but needs blood.

CASSIE: (raising her arm) I’ll give.

BARB: Thanks Cassie. It isn’t that straight forward. The firefighter is AB-negative. That’s
you Jonathan.

JONATHAN nods. CHARLOTTE elbows Oliver.

OLIVER: I can give blood.

BARB: AB-negative?

OLIVER nods.

JONATHAN: It’s pretty rare (looking at Oliver).

BARB: There should be a chopper here in a few minutes.

HILDA: Oh that’s a relief. I’ll get my things.

EVERYONE gives Hilda a quick stare.

MARCO: (stopping her) Hilda, the chopper isn’t for you.

CHARLOTTE: Where will they take them?

BARB: Nowhere. They’ll draw their blood from right here.

MARCO and HILDA are visibly arguing near his door. CHARLOTTE and OLIVER
are arguing at the table, while OLIVER is looking at his cellphone. ASHLEY is
freaking out to LUKE. ANNA, CASSIE, JACQUE, and TREVOR in the kitchen
disagreeing on how to cook the food. GRAHAM and BARB at the check-in
counter almost kissing. GEORGE is massaging JONATHAN’s shoulders while
JONATHAN focuses on his cell phone. The sound of a chopper breaks the
commotion. EVERYONE looks out the window. It’s quiet for a beat, then Stu and
Nurse Cummings come through the front door. SHE is carrying a medicine bag.

STU: Hey guys. This is Linda, um, Nurse Cummings. She’ll take your blood Jonathan.
And thanks.

BARB: Oliver is AB-negative too.

STU: Are you sure? It’s pretty rare.

 55

OLIVER: (coming forward) I’m absolutely sure.

JONATHON comes forward. NURSE CUMMINGS prepares to take their blood.

BARB: (to Stu) Sorry Stu. This must be so stressful for you.

BONNIE: I take away stress.

BONNIE runs over and whispers in Stu’s ear.

MARCO: Uh-oh. Wait a minute.

STU: Oh Bonnie. If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, that’s illegal. I’m going to
have to take you in.

MARCO: No Stu. This is a mistake.

STU: How long has this been goin on?

MARCO: Nothing’s going on.

BARB: What’s do you think is going on?

MARCO: This is my fault.

BARB: I’m sure it is.

STU: I’m pretty sure Bonnie just propositioned me.

BARB: No she didn’t.

BONNIE: I say I give badass massage. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, twenty-five dollars.

MARCO: No. wait. I told her that nudge, nudge, wink, wink would get her more massage
clients.

EVERYONE looks at Marco.

GRAHAM: I wondered.

CASSIE: I wondered.

TREVOR: (looking around) Ooooh. That explains things. She does give a good
massage.

STU: Why would you do that Marco?

 56

MARCO: Oh come on. Because it was funny. We play jokes on each other. You should
have seen these guy’s faces.

BONNIE: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, not a good massage?

MARCO: Not exactly.

BONNIE: What means nudge, nudge, wink, wink?

MARCO: It sort of implies… ah, anyone want to help me out here?

GEORGE: It’s when a you/

BARB: T-M-I with a crowd. Save it George.

BONNIE: Marco teach me slang. I know T-M-I. Too many interruptions.

MARCO: Sorry Bonnie. That’s not exactly right.

BARB: Good enough for now. I’m going to kill you Marco.

STU: You know you can’t/

BARB: It’s a figure of speech Stu.

GRAHAM: Duh.

STU: Let’s move past this, shall we?

BONNIE: I have a green card.

STU: You’re fine Bonnie. But you can’t sell massages with nudge, nudge, wink, winks.

BONNIE: But I am masseuse.

STU: You can sell massage. Just not… nudge, nudge, wink, winks.

BONNIE: Not the same thing? (hands on her hips looking at Marco)

MARCO: Not the same thing.

BONNIE staring at Marco.

BARB: Marco (taking a deep breath). Remind me to fire you.

 57

STU: Hey Barb. Can I talk with you for a minute? In private?

BARB: Look Stu, I promise that won’t happen again.

STU: (nodding) In private.

BARB and STU move onto the porch while BONNIE helps NURSE CUMMINGS
take blood.

BARB: You’re not seriously worried about that, are you?

STU: No. It’s something else.

BARB: What’s up? You okay? Is the fire worse?

STU: No it’s not that. In fact I just received an alert that the wind has changed again.
Looks like the fire’s going the other way.

BARB: Wow. Thank you. That’s a relief. Let’s get back/ (turning to go back inside).

STU: (taking her arm) Wait. I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m not going to make it up
here to dinner next week.

BARB: Oh that’s okay Stu. We can do it another time (she turns to go back inside).

STU: Wait. There’s more.

BARB: (turning back toward Stu) What’s it? Just spit it out.

STU: Well it’s about dinner. Actually it’s about Linda. Nurse Cummings. We’ve been
working pretty closely together and well… I didn’t mean for anything to happen, but it
did. I never meant to hurt you Barb. And I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship.

BARB: Oh Stu. Don’t worry about me. (beat) I’ll… get over it.

STU: Cause you know how much I care about you Barb. You know I do.

BARB: Of course Stu. I’ll get over it. I will. I’m just glad you’re happy.

STU: You’re such a good person. Come here.

HE pulls her into a hug. MARCO opens the door and catches them in a hug.

MARCO: Mom. Whoa. Okay. Um. Didn’t mean to interrupt.

 58

STU: I was just telling your mom I’ve hooked up with someone else. And she’s taking it
pretty well.

MARCO: Yeah. She’s a real sport, isn’t she? That’s my mom alright. Hey, (pointing
inside) she’s all done with these guys.

STU: Barb? You sure you’re okay?

MARCO: She’s okay Stu. You know Barb. I’m guessing she’ll bounce right back. Now,
let’s get this blood to the hospital.

Nurse Cummings comes out to the porch with her medicine bag. SHE gives Barb
a sad pathetic look and pats her on the shoulder. BONNIE goes to sink to wash
her hands.

NURSE CUMMINGS: (overly sympathetic to Barb) Are you going to be okay?

BARB: I think so, thank you. It may take some time.

MARCO: Oh please (rolling his eyes).

STU: Thanks for being such a good sport. I’ll be in touch soon.

NURSE CUMMINGS and STU exit waving.

MARCO: Oh poor you mom (putting his arm around her). I bet you’re just all broken up
over losing your boyfriend Stu. If you need to talk to someone about it, I’m here for you.

BARB: (slugging him) Oh cut it out (leading him inside).

BARB slugs Marco’s shoulder, then leads him inside. THEY move to the check-in
counter.

TREVOR: Hey Barb, I know it’s been a bit crazy, but I wanted to let you know Cassie is
going to Colombia and asked if she could buy my Colombian pesos.

BARB: Well that turned out perfectly for you.

CASSIE: For me too.

CHARLOTTE: Do you need some help with cooking? (she stands and moves to the
counter)

ANNA: Sure.

OLIVER: Charlotte! You are not cooking.

 59

CHARLOTTE: Watch me!

CHARLOTTE joins the other cooks. OLIVER shrugs and plays with his phone.

LIGHTS ALL COME UP BRIGHT AT ONCE.

BARB: Looks like the power is back on.

Barb’s phone alarm goes off and EVERYONE looks at her.

MARCO: What is it?

BARB: The road will be open for the next 24 hours.

EVERYONE cheers.

CASSIE: I’ll be heading out in the morning.

ANNA: I’m going to leave with these two Frenchies. We’re going backpacking…for 100
miles. They said they’d help me carry my suitcase.

EVERYONE looks at Anna.

ANNA: What? They’ve seen my suitcase.

BARB: Are they renting a mule?

ANNA: Ha ha.

HILDA enters from Marco’s room wearing a robe.

HILDA: What’s all the excitement about?

ANNA & CASSIE: The road’s open.

HILDA: (to Marco) Oh great. Honey, can you get me outta here? I’ll get dressed
(heading toward his room).

MARCO: (following Hilda) You know you have to walk down the hill?

HILDA: (calling back to him) Don’t you know someone with a horse?

MARCO: Good idea, (sending a text message).

HILDA exits. GRAHAM goes outside holding a cigarette. BARB follows him.
THEY sit quietly and look out on the scenery. HE puts his arm around her.
 60

CASSIE and ANNA move the two tables together and set the table. BONNIE sits
at the table filling Oreo cookies with toothpaste.

CASSIE: What are you doing?

BONNIE: Making joke for Marco.

CASSIE: Toothpaste filled Oreo cookies?

BONNIE: Good one, right? Marco loves the Oreos.

CASSIE: That is funny. You hungry? Food’s ready.

BONNIE: Thanks.

CASSIE: (calling out) Whoever’s eating. Food’s on the table.

BARB stands to leave, and GRAHAM pulls her arm.

GRAHAM: Take a break. They don’t need you right now.

SHE sits back down next to him. HE puts his arm around her again. MARCO and
HILDA enter from his room, MARCO carrying her suitcase. THEY pass through
the house.

HILDA: Bye everyone. It was nice meeting all of you.

BONNIE: Hey Don Juan.

BONNIE holds up the plate of Oreos. MARCO takes a handful and puts one in
his mouth, chews and slowly turns to Bonnie.

BONNIE: Don’t worry. Be happy.

MARCO and HILDA exit the front door, cross the porch, and exit. CASSIE,
LUKE, TREVOR, ANNA, ASHLEY, CHARLOTTE, GEORGE, JACQUE, sit to eat.
OLIVER sits next to JONATHAN.

ASHLEY: Is anyone else going east tomorrow? There’s a morning bus (looking coyly at
Trevor).

TREVOR: I’m totally going east with you tomorrow.

ASHLEY lets go a little squeal. EVERYONE passes food and serves and eats
and talks - quiet rumble of conversation.
 61

GRAHAM: You’re tough.

BARB: You think?

GRAHAM: That was a fiasco and you managed it with total grace. (taking a cigarette
from his pocket).

BARB: Yeah well, that wasn’t normal. It’s usually pretty quiet around here.

GRAHAM: Well I bet you do pretty quiet with equal grace.

BARB: Maybe.

GRAHAM: I guess I’ll have to stick around for a few days to find out.

BARB: A few days, huh?

GRAHAM: I don’t know. Maybe. (beat) A few weeks.

SHE smiles and HE kisses her cheek.

GRAHAM: I have a few conditions.

BARB: Like what?

GRAHAM: Any time internet access.

BARB: You wish. In exchange for what?

GRAHAM: Not posting an incriminating photo of you.

BARB: What photo?

GRAHAM: (looking at his phone and scrolling through photos) Remember losing to me
on New Year’s Eve after we won the university prelims?

BARB: I won the prelims.

GRAHAM: And you lost to me right after that.

BARB: That wasn’t anything.

GRAHAM: It was definitely something. It was a strip chess game and you lost…big time.
And consumed half a bottle of tequila. (beat) And you kissed me.

BARB: (looking at him in surprise) I kissed you?

 62

GRAHAM: Right before you threw up.

BARB: Jeez. (beat) Did you kiss me back?

GRAHAM: I did.

BARB: I totally don’t remember that.

GRAHAM: Do you remember swimming in the hotel fountain - naked?

BARB: I did not.

GRAHAM: Yeah, you did. I carried you to your room.

BARB: You did not.

GRAHAM shows her a photo on his phone.

BARB: (looking at his phone) Wha….who…how…where…ah…that is not…

GRAHAM: Sheldon took it. Dan Stillmark. He sent it to me yesterday.

BARB: (angry) Are you kidding me? (standing to leave)

GRAHAM: (standing to stop her) Stop stop stop.

BARB: How does anyone have this? (pulling away)

GRAHAM: Hey hey, (pulling her back) I am kidding. It’s not you.

BARB: What?

GRAHAM: It’s photoshopped. It’s a joke. I’m a photographer, remember?

He pulls her close and SHE pushes away.

BARB: Let me see that.

GRAHAM: (showing her his phone) Pretty good huh?

BARB: That is so not my body.

GRAHAM: It’s a great body.

BARB: Okay. Delete it. Or photoshop my face off of it.

 63

GRAHAM: Not yet.

BARB: Now. Please. (trying to grab his phone)

GRAHAM: (holding the phone too high for her to reach and shaking his head no) Uh-uh,
no way. It’s my internet leverage.

BARB: (sitting back down defeated) Oh for god’s sake.

GRAHAM: You did kiss me on New Year’s Eve (sitting).

BARB: I don’t believe you.

GRAHAM: You were down to your bra and underwear. We both swam in the fountain. I
did carry you to your room and you kissed me. Best kiss ever.

BARB: I thought I dreamt that.

GRAHAM: Tequila.

BARB: Bring it. Great dream.

THEY both laugh. GRAHAM kisses BARB. THEY lean back, GRAHAM still
holding the cigarette.

BARB: You gonna light that?

GRAHAM: Nope.

BARB: You’re not going to smoke it?

GRAHAM: I don’t smoke.

BARB: Yeah. You do.

GRAHAM: That was just to get through to Oliver.

BARB: You’re kidding, right?

GRAHAM: I carry cigarettes with me to trade with people. Cigarettes are like gold if
you’re hopping cargo ships.

BARB: Nooooo.

GRAHAM: Yeeessss.
 64

BARB: Who are you really Graham Carter?

GRAHAM: Just a tired old traveler looking to sit still long enough to finish a game of
chess.

HE puts his arm around her. Beat.

ANNA: (yelling) Hey! It’s seven! Internet!

EVERYONE goes quiet and gets on their phones.

BARB: Alright.

GRAHAM: Alright what?

BARB: You can have any time internet access.

GRAHAM: Sweet. Different network?

BARB: Yep. Marco Polo.

GRAHAM: Password?

BARB: oreo.cookies

BARB and GRAHAM sit quietly looking at the scenery. EVERYONE inside is still
online. BONNIE is sewing and has a pile of men’s underwear beside her.
JONATHAN and OLIVER intensely on their phones but watching each other
between phone stares. Each time one of them does something on their phone,
the other emotes a sound, then look at each other until THEY finally realize
they’re rivals in the same online chess game.

OLIVER: You gave blood after the Wanaka Lake explosion.

JONATHAN: AB-negative. That was you (pointing at him).

OLIVER: That was you (pointing back).

THEY pause.

CHARLOTTE: (watching intently) Well that’s a surprise. Oh dear, Oliver. I bet you never
thought your best friend would be a homosexual.

EVERYONE looks at Charlotte.

 65

OLIVER: Well, I can honestly say… some of my best friends are (looking around) …
chess payers (standing and opening his arms).

JONATHAN stands, hesitates, and THEY hug awkwardly. JACQUE and LUKE
talk between themselves.

BONNIE: Oh good (looking up from her sewing) more besties.

LUKE: Hey everyone. We decided on a name for our puppy.

CASSIE: Oh great! What is it?

LUKE and JACQUE (looking at each other) Oliver!

Chatter between EVERYONE.

CHARLOTTE: What are you sewing there Bonnie?

BONNIE: These are Marco’s underwear. I sew all the leg holes closed.

CHARLOTTE: You mean you’re mending them?

BONNIE: No. I make joke. I sew the legs closed. (beat) L-O-L.

MARCO races into the house past Barb and Graham, out of breath.

MARCO: Meteor shower! Grab your jackets!

EVERYONE puts on a jacket and exits via the front door, past Barb and Graham,
past the downstage apron/porch and into the audience where they all huddle
together, watching the sky and pointing. A young female backpacker appears on
the porch. SHE looks at Barb and Graham.

BACKPACKER: Hello. Anyone inside?

MARCO turns, and breaks away from the group running to the porch before Barb
can answer. HE puts his arm on the girl’s shoulder and leads her inside.

MARCO: Hello. Can I help you? Are you looking for a room?

BACKPACKER: Yeah. If you have one.

MARCO: Well we’re kind full at the moment but if you don’t mind sharing with me/

BARB: Marco! Discretion!

 66

LIGHTS OUT
# # #