Gay Fathers and Their Children

Author(s): Brian Miller

Source: The Family Coordinator, Vol. 28, No. 4, Men's Roles in the Family (Oct., 1979), pp.
544-552
Published by: National Council on Family Relations
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/583517
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 Gay Fathers and Their Children *
BRIAN MILLER**

Depth interviews were conducted with a snowball sample of 40 gay fathers and 14
of their children. Questions addressed the nature and quality of the fathering as ex-
perienced by both the men and their offspring. Four issues often raised in gay parent
custody cases are examined. Data indicate that notions about gay fathers' compen-
satory behavior, molestation of children, negative influence on child development,
and instigation of harassment are largely unfounded. The father's "coming out" to
his children tends to relieve family tension and strengthen the father-child bond.

Many families have skeletons in the closet.
When the father of a family is homosexual,
the discreditable secret is best described as a
closet within a closet. Both the father and
mother are reluctant to admit the situation to
either outsiders or each other. Additional con-
cerns arise when children become aware of
their father's stigmatized status. This paper
presents data from a three-year study on the
relationships of homosexual fathers with their
children in an attempt to assess the nature
and extent of these concerns.
Present Knowledge of Gay Fathers
There is considerable literature on atypical
parenting which documents the fathering
abilities of male-to-female transsexuals (Bog-
dan, 1974; Conn, 1974; Feinbloom, 1976;
Hunt, 1978; Jorgensen, 1967; Morris, 1974)
and the mothering abilities of lesbians (Good-
man, 1973; Green, 1978; Kirkpatrick, Roy, &
Smith, 1976; Martin & Lyon, 1972; Pagelow,
male role (Pleck & Sawyer, 1974, p. 53). Soci-
ologists have so seldom researched fathering
that Safilios-Rothschild (1969) proposed that
"sociology of the family" be renamed "soci-
ology of wives and mothers."
References in the literature to homosexual
fathers are limited to personal accounts
(Clark, 1977; Gengle, 1977; Lynch, 1978;
Mager, 1975; Voeller & Walters, 1978) and to
several scholarly studies that mention gay
fathers in moving on to more general surveys
of homosexuality (Bell & Weinberg, 1978;
Saghir & Robins, 1973; Schofield, 1965; Wein-
berg & Williams, 1974). These latter refer-
ences indicate that up to a quarter of self-
identified gay men father children. Because
such studies research only more overt gays, it
is probable that even a larger percentage of
homosexually-oriented men are fathers. The
study presented here documents the nature
and quality of the fathering abilities of homo-
sexual men.

1978), but there are no empirical studies

documenting the fathering abilities of gay
men. Neglect of this topic is consistent with a
general avoidance of tender aspects of the
*This is a revised version of a paper presented at the
annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association,
Chicago, May 1979. Thanks are extended to Professors
Gordon Hirabayashi, University of Alberta, and Laud
Humphreys, Pitzer College, for their helpful comments on
this paper.
"Brian Miller is associated with a private counseling
practice at 1011 N. Fairfax Ave., West Hollywood, Califor-
nia 90046, and is completing a Ph.D. in sociology at the
University of Alberta, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
The Study
Methods
Depth interviews were conducted with a
snowball sample of 40 homosexual fathers
and 14 of their children. The sample is cross-
national, interviews being conducted in both
large and small Canadian and American
cities. In order to control for the salience of
the father role, only homosexual men who
were currently interacting with their offspring
were sampled. Thus, men who no longer saw
their children or who were prevented from
seeing them because of a negative court

544 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR October 1979

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ruling were excluded from the study.
In order that a broad range of fathering
styles be observed, fathers were selected to
exhibit a full range of homosexual overtness
to covertness. They varied in age from 24 to
64, and their children ranged from infants to
late 30's, although children interviewed
ranged from only 14 to 33 years. Younger off-
spring were not interviewed due to ethical
considerations regarding consent and be-
cause it was felt they might not understand
the nature of questions on the interview
schedule. All children had been told about
their father's homosexuality by him prior to
the interview. Although children were met
who did not know their fathers were homo-
sexual, they were not interviewed since it was
felt this would violate research ethics and
confidentiality. Fathers and children were in-
terviewed separately and in private. Addition-
ally, 12 wives/mothers were interviewed to tri-
angulate the data (Webb, Campbell, Sch-
wartz, & Sechrest, 1966). All the fathers were
white, predominantly middle-class, and
college-educated.
There are as many styles of gay fathering as
there are of heterosexual fathering; space per-
mits this paper to touch on only the most cen-
tral features. Indeed, in the course of the re-
search, interviews were conducted with
fathers living suburban home lives with
wife and children; not living with the wife but
with children; fathers with split custody, joint
custody, or with various arrangements of
visiting rights; and grandfathers, stepfathers
and adoptive fathers who were homosexual.
Additional details about these lifestyles are
found in Miller (1978, 1979).
Issues addressed in the present paper are
the nature of the father-child relationship and
the children's adjustment to the fathers'
homosexuality. Specifically, four questions
frequently raised in custody cases are dis-
cussed: (a) Do gay fathers have children to
cover their homosexuality? (b) Do they
molest their children? (c) Do their children
turn out to be disproportionately homosex-
ual? (d) Do they expose their children to
homophobic harassment? A section on the
quality of the fathering as experienced by
both the men and their children concludes the
paper.
October 1979 THE FAMILY
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Findings
Compensation
Popular belief asserts that homosexual
men who have children do so only to hide
their true orientation. It is claimed that the
men- regard their children as merely smoke
screens, that they have little fatherly affec-
tion, and that they make poor parents. This is
one argument raised in court to deny custody
to gay fathers (see, for example, National
Lawyers' Guild, Note 1).
Evidence from the present study does not
substantiate the claims that gay fathers have
children to hide their homosexuality. At the
time they become parents, most of the men
did not identify themselves as homosexuals.
They had experienced sex with other males,
but they did not recognize it as a salient
aspect of their identity or behavior. Instead,
they defined themselves as heterosexual or
tentatively bisexual. Most men married and
had children in good faith, reporting genuine
love for their wives and subsequent children.
Only during the course of the marriage did the
men gradually come to recognize their erotic
orientation as basically homosexual. In view
of this predominant developmental sequence,
it cannot be said that the respondents be-
came fathers in a conscious attempt to cover
or compensate for homosexuality. (For more
on the process of gay identity development,
see Humphreys, 1979.)
While most of the men did not view their
homosexual activity prior to marriage as sig-
nificant, three respondents were sufficiently
concerned about it to seek counseling. These
men became heterosexually married only after
counselors suggested they were "cured" or
that marriage and parenthood would "cure"
them. One of the men made his fianc6e pre-
maritally pregnant, a fact that the psychiatrist
pointed to as proof that the respondent must
be genuinely heterosexual. Perception of the
gay world as unfulfilling, and discomfort with
their own homosexual feelings, made these
respondents eager to accept the counselors'
assessments:
The shrink told me what I was dying to
hear: "A person as nice as you couldn't be
homosexual." What he should have done
was get me to accept my homosexual self
COORDINATOR 545
 rather than some imaginary heterosexual
self. But I believed him because I desper-
ately wanted a home and someone to love
to come home to. I thought homosexuality
offered only sordid one-night stands. Back
then I never thought it possible for me to
actually love another man and for us to
share a home life together; I thought only
heterosexuals could do that. Besides, [Su-
san] was lovable and available, so we got
married. But it didn't take me long to figure
out that, whatever the disadvantages of
being a gay single were, they couldn't be
more painful than being gay and married,
living a lie and being unable to share my
deepest feelings with those I was closest
to.
Compensation does become a factor when
the fathers recognize their homosexuality,
marital relations deteriorate, and warm rela-
tionships with the children offset the lack-
luster marriage as well as serve to keep the
marriage intact. One father, who was still
living with his wife, said: "In this horrible
marriage [the children] are the consolation
prize." In such cases, the children assume
considerable importance; fear of losing them
should their wives, the community, or the
courts learn of their homosexuality is one fac-
tor that prevents respondents from coming
out.
Exploitation
The familiar notion that the only relation-
ship between gays and children is one of
molestation leads many to view gay fathers
with suspicion. Dr. I. M. Luezy, a Los Angeles
psychiatrist, is against gays having chikdren
because he believes they may be "sexually
abused" (Woolfolk & Woolfolk, 1975, p. 176).
Such a notion follows the "logic" that, since
gays cannot reproduce, they recruit. The
spectre of molestation has been raised nu-
merous times to legally deny gay fathers
access to their children.
With these notions in mind, gay fathers
were asked three questions: (a) Have you ever
fantasized about engaging in sex with your
son(s)? (b) Have you ever had sex with them?
(c) Have your children ever been molested by
your gay friends? Three men said they had
fantasized about having sex with their sons.
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but none had ever acted on it, and no gay
friends had ever molested their sons. Only
once did an inebriated guest make an oblique
overture to a father's adolescent son, and
both the son and the father intervened to
rebuke him. This evidence indicates that fears
of child sexual abuse by gay fathers or their
gay friends are not warranted. This finding is
in agreement with other studies on child
molestation and incest that show such of-
fenders to be disproportionately heterosexual
men (de Francis, Note 2; Gebhard, Gagnon,
Pomeroy, & Christenson, 1965; Meiselman,
1978). In particular, Groth and Birnbaum
(1978, p. 181) reported: "The adult hetero-
sexual male constitutes a greater sexual risk
to underage children than does the adult
homosexual male."
Sociosexual Development
One idea about the genesis of homosexual-
ity, sometimes called the germ theory of
homosexuality, states that children catch it
through exposure to it. Other forms of the
argument suggest children congenitally in-
herit homosexual tendencies or that homo-
sexuality is so overwhelmingly attractive that
its mere presence subverts conventional sex-
ual development. The notion that gay fathers
cause their children-especially sons-to be
gay has been used to justify the separation of
these men from their offspring. A cursory ex-
amination of 16 lesbian mother and gay father
custody cases revealed courts as being much
more concerned with conventional sexual de-
velopment.of sons than of daughters, a clear
indication of the perceived greater social im-
portance of males. These data suggest that
gay fathers seeking custody face considerable
difficulty in trying to dispel contamination
charges.
Disregarding the dubious assumption
behind this accusation, that gay children are
less desirable than heterosexual ones, ques-
tions were asked of the respondents to dis-
cover if there was a disproportionate amount
of homosexuality among the children of gay
men. The 40 gay fathers had a total of 48
daughters and 42 sons. Twenty-seven daugh-
ters and 21 sons were of an age where their
sexual orientation can be assessed. Fathers
stated that one of the sons and three of the
October 1979
daughters were gay. Of the six sons and eight
daughters directly interviewed, only one of
the sons and one of the daughters were gay.
On the basis of this small, nonrandom sam-
ple, there does not appear to be a dispropor-
tionate amount of homosexuality among the
children of gay fathers.
That the link between parental sexual orien-
tation and children's orientation is weak is
given further support by the fact that only one
of the gay fathers thought that his father was
homosexual, an indication that heterosexual
parenting per se is insufficient to ensure
heterosexual children. Data from this study
indicate that second generation homosexuals
are rare. Other studies point in this direction
as well. Green (1978), studying lesbian
mothers' children, concludes that they are
likely to identify themselves as heterosex-
uals. Weeks, Derdeyn, and Langman (1975)
also found from their study of two homosex-
uals' children that their behavior patterns
were not a direct consequence of the parents'
homosexual ity.
These findings have not stopped people
from worrying about the sociosexual develop-
ment of children who are near gays. One
heterosexual son laughingly related how his
mother, fearing he might become gay, en-
couraged him away from artistic pursuits
toward mechanical ones. A daughter recalled
being discouraged from equestrian training
for the same reason. It is understandable that
gay men's wives may fear and struggle against
the possibility of their children becoming
homosexual since the lives of gays in our
homophobic society tend to be more difficult
than those of non-gays. However, to prevent
gay men from parenting because they may
raise homosexual children is a circular, self-
validating argument that perpetuates such
homophobia. Conceivably, separating chil-
dren from a loving father, regardless of his
orientation, may do more harm than good.
Because only fathers who currently see their
children were interviewed, no assessment can
be made here about the effects of spousal- or
court-initiated separations on eithyer the fa-
thers or the children.
Fathers interviewed tended to show little
anxiety about their children's eventual orien-
tation. One openly-gay respondent said:
October 1979 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR 547
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My straight parents failed to make me
straight, so there's no reason to believe I'd
succeed in doing the reverse with [my son]
even if I wanted to. He will be whatever he
is. Gay or straight is okay as long as he's
happy. I'll love him. Relatives will blame me
if he's gay and say it's a miracle if he's
straight. Either way they'll give me no
credit, so I've stopped worrying about
it. . . . If he's gay, it might bring us even
closer, and he wouldn't have to go through
the lonesome struggle I did in accepting
myself. He'd be one of few kids who could
tell his dad without fear. That's a big plus.
In saying that gay men's children appear to
be within the range of conventional develop-
ment is not to say that the lives of either these
men or their children are problem-free. Homo-
sexual men living with their wives reported
considerable marital tension; those with
visiting rights or custody reported problems
with being part-time or single parents. Some
of the latter mentioned feeling isolated from
both gay and non-gay support groups that
might have provided resources and guidelines
to help them in constructing alternate family
forms.
Evidence in the children's biographies
pointed to problems of sexual acting-out.
Two daughters reported premarital pregnan-
cies and abortions; one admitted to engaging
in some prostitution. Two interviewed off-
spring had problems in school, and one had
had professional counseling for emotional
difficulties. As studies of children of divorced
heterosexual parents have revealed similar
problems (Hetherington, Cox, & Cox, 1976;
Keshet & Rosenthal, 1978; Krantzler, 1974;
Lynn, 1974; Victor & Winkler, 1977), these
concerns may not result so much from the
father's homosexuality as from family ten-
sions surrounding marital instability, divorce,
and residential relocation. Anger and bitter-
ness toward parents are common to children
with disrupted families, and respondents in
this study were not immune to such feelings.
In particular, two daughters, subsequent to
learning of their father's homosexuality,
blamed him for a wide range of personal diffi-
culties, so much so that a family friend
dubbed it "scapegoating."
Only carefully-controlled studies will reveal
if the problems of children from divorced, gay
fathers are disproportionate to those of di-
vorced, non-gay fathers' children. Such
studies will need to account for not only the
problem behaviors, but also the positive be-
haviors of these offspring. Employing tri-
angulated data on academic and occupational
accomplishments, the present study found
that six of the fourteen children interviewed
evidenced exceptional adjustment.
Harassment
The charge is sometimes made that com-
munity indignation results in the harassment
and embarrassment of gay fathers' children.
Such stigma contamination is seen as detri-
mental to their healthy development. Courts
have used this issue to justify custody denial
to gay parents.
Evidence from the present study indicates
that, contrary to this opinion, fathers do not
expose their children to homophobic harass-
ment. Both fathers and children say they exer-
cise discretion as to which audiences they
reveal the father's homosexuality to thus min-
imize the possibility of negative reaction. A
17-year-old son said:
I don't tell people if they're uptight types or
unless I know them well. I've told my close
friends and it's cool with them. Friends' re-
actions are the most important and they
usually like dad and [his lover]. I even have
two old girlfriends that come back to see
them, not me [laughs].
An exception to respondents' careful differ-
ential disclosure exists if there is a custody
battle and the case goes to trial. Publicity re-
sulting from the court case usually seeps into
the community and may result in snide re-
marks made to the children. Ironically, the
legal procedure designed to protect children
is the one that leads to their suffering. Con-
sequently, gay fathers in custody trials ex-
perience a "Catch 22": They may be judged f it
fathers so long as their gayness remains hid-
den from the community, but to legally prove
their fitness they must go to court where their
gayness becomes public. There is additional
irony in the fact that those gay fathers who
are most candid and proud are the ones most
likely to be denied custody.
In light of this situation, gay fathers re-
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ported being prepared to give their children
considerable support and resources should
they be needed to counter community harass-
ment. Three fathers said that their children's
experiences with homophobia had made them
devoted champions of civil rights for minor-
ities. One respondent said that he and his
daughter had become closer through mutual
interest in such causes:
My daughter got me to march with her in a
feminist and gay liberation parade. She is
determined if she helps me get my gay
rights, I have to help her get her woman's
rights.
Discussion
Coming Out to Children
Discussing any kind of sexuality with chil-
dren tends to be anxiety-provoking for many
parents, but homosexuality raises even more
strain. A national survey found homosexuality
the single most difficult subject for parents to
discuss with children (Yankelovich, Skelly, &
White, Inc., 1977, p. 98). Gay parents might
be expected to find this topic even more diffi-
cult to discuss. Rather than dealing with it in
a detached manner, they have a strong ego-
investment in it that increases its salience.
All the men interviewed feared that revela-
tion of their gayness to their children would
decrease the children's respect and affection
for them as fathers. Not only was there fear
that the children would be repulsed but that
they would hate the father for the years of
deceit he had given their mother. Of the men
who had come out to their children, all found
their children more positive than had been
anticipated:
At worst I figured instant rejection; their
mother or society would poison their minds
against me. At best I thought they'd be
blase. It was beyond my fondest dreams to
think telling my kids I'm gay would actually
bring us closer together, but it has. The ad-
justment period was touchy at first, but
now their acceptance is amazing.
Interviews with children revealed a belief
that their father's candor and honesty had
helped to strengthen the relationship. Also,
the father's coming out had tended to relieve
some family tensions. Children gained in-
October 1979
sight into their parents' marital problems and
were less apt to blame themselves for diffi-
culties in the home. Children who showed the
greatest acceptance were those who, prior to
full disclosure, were gradually introduced by
their parents to homosexuality through
meeting gay family friends, reading about it,
and discussing the topic informally with
parents.
Negative reactions to the father's homo-
sexuality consisted of the following: Two
children suspected years before disclosure
and were upset because they thought their
father should have trusted them enough to
broach the issue sooner. One son in his late
teens, who had become a religious funda-
mentalist, said, "I don't talk to him about my
sex life, so why should he tell me about his?
I'm not interested in that kind of talk."
Another son-now self-defined as heterosex-
ual but who had had two homosexual "experi-
ments" during adolescence-said that he was
initially uncomfortable with his father's gay
friends but that this had since lessened. A
daughter, whose father chose a lover about
her age, felt "replaced." Another expressed
ambivalence:
Dad's coming out has made me suspicious
if there are a lot more out there. I don't like
having to wonder about my boyfriends;
other girls don't. Things would be less
complicated if I'd never heard or had to
think about it. I guess I want to know, but I
don't want to know.
Favorable comments, more typical from the
children, were:
I know dad has gone through a lot of pain.
He's sensitive. Now I know I can talk freely
to him about the things that are important
to me, too.
I wasn't surprised or shocked. He is still my
dad and I still love him. He is still the same
person he's always been. Well, he takes
better care of himself and is more relaxed
now, but I mean he is still the same person
inside. Just because he is gay doesn't
change my love.
I'm glad he came out to me. It started us
communicating. It made him more human.
It was also the first time I ever understood
what our family is all about and what it
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means to belong to it. Now I understand
how we all fit together.
Supporting evidence of this finding is con-
veyed in writings of three sons who sensitive-
ly and warmly discussed their fathers' pos-
sible homosexuality (Ackerley, 1968; Nicol-
son, 1973; Spike, 1973).
Despite evidence of a warm father-child
bond, most of the gay fathers did not have
custody of their children. Financial consider-
ations, domestic limitations, career advance-
ment, day-care difficulties, fears about
custody trials, and the nature of the relation-
ship with the wife had led most men not to
seek custody. The two fathers who had waged
and won informal custody battles with wives
expressed concomitantly high commitment to
spending considerable time with and devotion
to their children. However, most of the fathers
who lived with their children did so only be-
cause the mother did not want them or the
children were of such an age that they were
allowed to choose for themselves and thus
chose to live with their fathers.
One father said that his children had arrived
at the stage of acceptance where they were
able to joke about the unique quality of their
family. He said his children laughed at the
idea of Anita Bryant praying for him and
pointed to men in magazines that they knew
he found attractive. A daughter jokingly said,
"The only thing I worry about is that we'll be
in competition for the same men."
If any pattern in differential acceptance was
found, it was that daughters tended to be
more accepting than sons and that wives
tended to be the least accepting of all. This
difference is explainable by reference to the
varying commitment each has had in the
homosexual denial system. Over the years of
marriage, wives-for economic, ego, and
social reasons-tend to deny numerous clues
indicating their husband's homosexuality.
Consequently, when this elaborate denial
facade is exposed, the wife's confrontation
with her own seLf-deception as well as her
husband's deceit is frequently devastating.
Typically, these women describe feeling "be-
trayed" (Miller, Note 3). By contrast, children
are minimally involved in such denial. In fact,
most had not even thought of their fathers in
any sexual terms, much less homosexual
ones, prior to the disclosure. Two children
had resented being forced to see their father
as a sexual being. Daughters, more than
sons, tended to see their fathers' gay relation-
ships in romantic terms rather than sexual
ones, tended to empathize more fully with the
emotional impact of their fathers' new-found
relationships M. d, consequently, were more
favorably predisposed toward them.
Open displays of affection between the
father and his gay lover or friends appeared to
be an issue that the fathers were initially more
concerned about than were the children. One
respondent noted that affectionate horse-
play among the father, lover, and children
"broke the ice" for them. Another said:
Some think gays flaunt sex, so [my lover]
and I were maybe over-cautious when the
kids first came to live with us. We have sex
in private, of course, but now we kiss and
touch in front of them. It's important they
know [Tom] and I love each other and see
us relate that way. There's no reason we
should be any more modest in front of our
kids than straights are with theirs . . . Last
Sunday morning, they came into our bed-
room and we all got into a pillow fight. It was
hilarious, but I was exhausted before the
day even got started.
The daughter and son of one gay father
regularly joined him and his lover in the rela-
tive intimacy of a nude dip in their jaccuzzi.
These children reported being relaxed about
the affection and appeared well-adjusted.
This small number of cases cannot prove that
children are unaffected by displays of homo-
sexual intimacy, although it is interesting that
observed reactions contradict popular belief
on the topic.
Fathers Whose Children Do Not Know
Since ethics of confidentiality prevented in-
terviewing children who did not know their
father was gay, there is evidence only from
the covert fathers themselves about the qual-
ity of their fathering. Several dynamics in the
family interaction of fathers still living with
their wives suggest, however, that their
fathering is of lower quality than the fathering
of more overt respondents. For example, the
guilt many of these men experienced over
being homosexual manifested itself in over-
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indulgent behavior in what may be called a
"Santa Claus" syndrome. To assuage guilt,
they tended to shower their children-some-
times also the wife-with expensive and ex-
cessive gifts, often to the point of accumulat-
ing severe debts. One father still living with
his wife commented: "It's the least I can do
for having ruined their chance to grow up in a
normal home." For openly gay fathers, gifts
tended to be given on a more practical basis.
Financial pressures of divorce and maintain-
ing two households introduced some down-
ward mobility, and this may also have played
a part in reducing indulgences of openly gay
fathers. One child perceived the change as the
father's becoming "stingy," and there was
some jealousy that the gifts were now going
to the father's lover instead. Openly gay men,
on the other hand, appeared more self-accept-
ing and did not need to buy-off guilt because
they saw their gayness as an asset for father-
ing, not a liability.
Data also indicate that respondents living
with their wives tended to spend less time
with their children. There were simply not
enough hours in the day to organize bread-
winning, husband, and father duties, as well
as locate gay sexual partners, organize
clandestine rendezvous, and keep gay and
non-gay worlds separated. Father-child inter-
action appeared to be tension-filled and
rushed. Several fathers, now separated, re-
ported having played workaholic roles when
living with their families. They suggested that
this not only allowed them to finance guilt
gifts, to avoid time with the spouse, and to
have alibis for secret cruising forays, but also
to gain family sympathy for their apparent
sacrifice to over-work.
By contrast, gay fathers with custody tend-
ed to spend more time with their children.
There was less necessity for them to segment
audiences. Integration of worlds allowed the
children to meet the gay father with his gay
friends, and often the father's lover came to
be regarded by the children as a second father
or as a big brother. Having a gay step-father
also gave the children more resources and
outlets for care and attention.
Other differences in child-rearing between
publicly gay fathers and those living with their
wives were to be found in methods of disci-
October 1979
pline and educational values. Openly gay
fathers tended to be less authoritarian and to
use less physical punishment with their chil-
dren. They also expressed strong desires to
raise their children with non-sexist, egalitar-
ian values; two fathers have sent their
children to liberal, private schools. None of
the covert gay fathers mentioned this con-
sideration. One openly gay father explained it
by commenting:
In those days, when I didn't like myself and
was frustrated with my life, I took it out on
the kids. I thought everyone should be as
controlled with their feelings as I was trying
to be with mine. I wanted everyone kept in
place. Besides, I wasn't home much; so,
when I was, I had to make my presence felt.
Because little father-child interaction was di-
rectly observed, it is difficult to know if per-
ceived differences in fathering patterns are
due to actual transformations in the fathering
after coming out or to the fathers' tendency
not to live with their children after coming
out.
Summary and Conclusions
This paper has addressed the nature and
quality of fathering as experienced by both
gay men and their children and has evaluated
four areas of concern in such relationships.
Data indicated that, contrary to popular wis-
dom, most gay fathers do not have children to
compensate for homosexual feelings; they do
not sexually abuse their children; they do not
expose them to homophobic harassment;
they do not have a disproportionate number of
gay children. Those interviewed reported con-
siderable tension with wives but satisfaction
in relationships with their children. Father-
child relationships tended to improve as the
men moved away from their unpleasant mar-
riages into openly gay lifestyles.
People's sexual orientation says nothing
about their desire or ability to care for chil-
dren. A range of fathering interests and abili-
ties were found among the respondents. As
viable alternatives for fathering, such as
single parenting, become available to homo-
sexual men, more gays are likely to enjoy
fathering without unsatisfying heterosexual
marriages and painful divorces. The two men
in the present study who had never been mar-
October 1979 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR 551
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ried, but who managed to adopt children
through marginally legitimate channels, had
had generally positive histories of parenting.
Victories by the Gay Liberation Movement
may allow a proliferation of non-traditional
family lifestyles so that gay men may openly
demonstrate their fathering potential. Several
organizations have already been established
to work toward this end for gay fathers and
their children. Information about them may be
obtained by writing: National Gay Task Force,
80 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10011, and Chil-
dren of Gays, 430 East Sixth Street, Apt. 11 D,
New York, NY 10009.
REFERENCE NOTES
1. National Lawyers Guild. A gay parent's legal guide to
child custody. (Available from Anti-Sexism Committee
NLG, 558 Capp Street, San Francisco, California 94110),
1978.
2. De Francis, V. Protecting the child victim of sex crimes
committed by adults. American Humane Society, Chil-
dren's Division, Denver, 1976.
3. Miller, B. Stigma contamination: Attitudes and adjust-
ments of women married to gay men. Paper presented
at the annual meeting of the Canadian Psychological
Association, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, June 1978.
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552 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR October 1979

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