Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Wild and Unruly
Wild and Unruly
Wild and Unruly
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100percentsassy
gloria_andrews
Archive Of Our Own
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Chapter 1
When Louis had arrived at work that morning in his slim tailored
suit and too-expensive Tanino Crisci loafers, mocha venti in hand
as he pushed through the revolving door of a shiny glass office
building in downtown Denver, he hadn’t expected that his day
would end in cattle. But then he’d run into his boss, fresh from a
high-level meeting, and the wheels of his destiny had begun to
turn.
“You take care of it, Malik,” Zayn had muttered. “That’s what
they said. As if I can spare a paralegal.”
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people were likely to run into on any given day, all coal-dark eyes
and cut cheekbones, which tended to result in Louis feeling a bit
invisible whenever they were out together. He compensated by
being loud.
Zayn rolled his eyes, letting the corners of his mouth twitch up
into a smile. “Nick’s not so bad, Louis.”
“He started a week before me and thinks that gives him the right
to order me around. Send him away.” Louis made a shooing
motion. “Let him commune with nature; maybe it’ll change him.”
Louis’s nose wrinkled involuntarily at the word nature. He was
comfortably cosmopolitan by choice and intended to stay that
way; no mud and fertilizer for him, thanks. Nick could go roll in
it.
“He’s really not that bad,” Zayn chuckled. Always the diplomat,
Zayn. But he had assigned the job to Nick in the end, telling him
to go home and pack a bag after booking him on a last-minute
flight out to Sheridan, Wyoming.
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There was oil in the ground, apparently. National Energy Group
-— one of TwistCorp’s largest subsidiaries -— was buying up the
mineral rights to parcels of land from several cattle ranches out
near the Bighorns, and had run into an unexpected hiccup. One of
the sellers was suddenly getting cold feet, though the transaction
had long since been brokered. National Energy’s CEO was now
demanding that TwistCorp send a notary out with documents to
witness the sale.
“Pardon?”
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“The seller,” she said, reaching up to pat her signature French
twist with a brusque, manicured hand, “is my son.” There was a
hint of aggravation in her voice, but it was mixed with
beleaguered affection. “He’s been avoiding the whole thing for
weeks, says he never agreed to the terms of the contract.” She
paused, gaze flicking from Nick over to Zayn and then behind
Zayn to where Louis had been attempting to discreetly eavesdrop.
He felt his shoulders fold inward involuntarily.
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Plus, there were cattle in the road. Of course, cattle! About fifteen
head standing stock still in the road, blocking his compact rental
car. And a man sitting on a horse in the middle of it all, just sitting
and staring thoughtfully at the herd, apparently unconcerned with
how it was holding up traffic. Not that there was much traffic out
here. Only Louis, really. But he needed to get to Anne’s son’s
ranch and get a signature so he could get back to Denver. Back to
civilization.
“Can you move. Your cows.” Louis waved his hands about in a
slightly hysterical manner that he instantly regretted as he stared
into the impassive face of the cowboy. Cow-man. He was
definitely a man, Louis realized with a delayed lurch in his gut.
His eyes were big, and had probably been boyish once, but there
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were creases beginning to settle in around them, marks of the sun
and the wind and the open expanse of the Great Plains. His skin
was tanned, dark in the oncoming dusk, his jaw strong and set.
His gaze was hard, and he had broad shoulders.
The man blinked at him again. He reached up, took off his hat and
ran a tough, brown hand through hair that curled at the nape of
his neck, faint chuckle escaping him. As though Louis’s request
were patently ridiculous. “How do you expect me to do that?”
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that he’d had to pack in such a blind hurry he was pretty sure he’d
forgotten both his toothbrush and his razor. Fuck Wyoming. Fuck
Anne Twist’s son, and fuck cows. Meanwhile, the man just stared
at him.
“Could…”
It felt like a full minute before the man answered. When he did,
his words were slow. “Don’t want to pressure them.”
“Oh my God,” Louis groaned, thudding his head back against the
seat and closing his eyes as he gathered the last shreds of his
patience. He was supposed to have been at the ranch to meet with
Anne’s son at four p.m. It was now almost 7:30, getting dark,
there was no cell coverage, billions of dollars on the line, and he
wasn’t even entirely sure that he was driving in the right direction.
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He didn’t need an infuriatingly stubborn, attractive cow-man. No
he did not.
So he thrust out his arm and punched the horn. There were a few
startled moos, and the cattle began to stamp their hooves in
agitation. Louis honked a few more times, but all it seemed to do
was rile them up. It at least spurred the cowboy into action; he
turned his horse around with a swift, easy motion and trotted over
to the open window of the car. Louis tried not to notice how good
the man’s worn blue jeans looked around his waist.
“Will you stop that.” The cowboy’s voice was level, but Louis
could sense the restrained anger behind his words. Displeasure
darkened his eyes.
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Unless he was the violent type. He said he wouldn’t hit his cattle,
Louis reasoned. Well, if worst came to worst, he could jam his
car into reverse and make a quick u-turn.
But the man did not back off. He just sat there on his horse, staring
down into Louis’s little red compact with a look of faint, almost
confused disapproval on his face. “You’re upsetting the cows,”
he said.
“Oh,” Louis threw his hands up, “I’m upsetting the cows, am I?
Not as much as they’re upsetting me!”
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“Just a couple of big words,” he said. “Reserved for those of us
who actually went to college.” He knew he was being
unnecessarily nasty, but he really needed to get a move on, and
this man was the most aggravating…
“Well,” he said, still taking his sweet time as his horse shifted its
weight, tail lazily swishing, “the ground’s pretty flat and even on
this side of the road. I’ll lead you, and you can drive around.”
The cowboy shrugged. “Then I guess you’ll just have to wait until
the herd decides to move along.”
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“I’m not waiting,” Louis scoffed. His headache was becoming
excruciating and he could feel his voice rising, something childish
in his tone that he couldn’t control. “Just get your cows off the
fucking road!”
“See?” the man’s face brightened, and he broke out into a friendly
grin. “They made the choice themselves. ’S much more
empowering for them that way.”
Louis snorted and rolled up his window, not even saying goodbye
as he maneuvered his car around a few stubborn strays and sped
off down the otherwise deserted county highway.
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At least the country was beautiful. That, he could allow. The drive
west out of Sheridan toward the Bighorns was huge and gorgeous,
indigo sky sweeping down to the mountains that were limned
with the last of the sunset, casting shadows out across the calm,
flat prairie. Louis lived in Denver, in full view of the Rockies, but
there was something about the Bighorns that seemed wilder and
sweeter. Older.
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He got out, briefcase in hand, slamming the car door. The
unmistakable farm smells of fertilizer and unwashed animals
pervaded the air; Louis wrinkled up his nose in disgust. Get the
signature, go book a hotel room, fly back tomorrow, he told
himself. There was dust on his shoes. Water pooled in deep,
muddy tire tracks around the circular drive, and Louis stooped to
fastidiously roll up the pantlegs of his suit before picking his way
toward the front door of the ranch house.
“Hey!”
Louis had just passed the fence when he heard a voice shouting
from the direction of the nearest barn. A large shape bounded out
of the open barn doors, backlit by warm yellow light, and came
barrelling toward him. Louis froze.
Louis let out a little shriek when the animal -— whatever it was;
it was dark and Louis couldn’t see, his whole body tense as he
waited for whatever was going to happen to happen -— pressed
its long, scratchy face into his crotch and sniffed, circling him,
wiggling with excitement and wagging its tail, jumping and
bucking and making strange pleasure noises. A man came
running up, swearing a blue streak.
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“Bonnie, you bastard. Git down! Git down.”
The man was short and slim, but had wiry muscles and an aura of
whip-strength about him, like a tensile cord. His dark hair was
cropped short, wide gray eyes open and friendly. There was a
smattering of brown freckles across his cheeks, the kind pale
people get when they’re out in the sun all summer long with no
sunscreen.
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“Oh. She’s… cute…” Louis tried to conjure up some enthusiasm,
not sure what to say and feeling vaguely disoriented.
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“Right, right,” Niall said, walking up the front path and waving
for him to follow. “Come on in, we’ll getcha set up.”
“Don’t worry, the Bonster’s gonna stay out here. No. No, Bonnie.
Harry says you’re not allowed in the house anymore, not after last
time.”
Niall maneuvered around her, holding her body back so that Louis
could slip past them. When he finally managed to shut the door,
Louis heard a long, disappointed huff from just outside and the
heavy pawing of a hoofed foot.
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The inside of the house was decorated in grand western style, with
a big stone fireplace dominating the living room and vintage hand
tools hung on the walls, old braided rugs and masculine, wood-
framed furniture. Dusty boots were lined up next to the door, and
Niall slipped off his mud and manure-crusted pair before waving
Louis through. (He was wearing cozy-looking, pink-toed wool
socks, Louis noted with amusement.) The floorplan was open -—
Louis could see a big dining room attached to a kitchen, with two
long benches pulled up under a wooden table that looked as
though it could seat twenty people comfortably.
“Harry’s not back yet,” Niall explained. “After you didn’t show,
he went out to move some cattle. Should be here soon enough.”
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Niall shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He disappeared around the corner
and Louis was left alone in the dimly-lit living room. The shade
of a lamp cast lonely red shadows over the furniture, and Louis
clutched his briefcase like a lifeline. Get in, get out.
Louis took in a silent breath, and held it. It was the cowboy from
the road. He was frowning down at his shirt, now half-open,
revealing an expanse of tanned chest and two dark, pebbled
nipples… Louis raised his eyes to the ceiling. Fuck.
“Hey, Harry,” Niall said, striding back into the living room with
a couple of beers in hand. He gestured to Louis. “The notary
republic’s here to see you! Finally made it.” He chuckled.
“Bonnie gave him a little scare.”
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is not the same as being scared. “I’m Louis Tomlinson, Mr.
Styles. Your… er, mother sent me.”
Harry broke the eye contact first, turning to Niall to accept a beer
from him. He twisted off the top and took a long swig, licking his
lips before wrapping them around the bottle. Louis tried not to
notice how the muscles in his neck moved as he swallowed it
down, dark pooling in his collarbones and in the soft folds of his
half-open shirt. Harry’s chest was heaving; he was still breathing
hard from whatever he’d been doing outside. Then he sighed,
satisfied, half the bottle done. He moved his beer-drinking hand
across his face to wipe his mouth on the sleeve of his flannel, and
Louis’s eyes fluttered to the ground.
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Louis felt his heart stop for a moment, then burst back to life
again. “Right,” he murmured. “Office.”
Harry was so solid, his words so low and unhurried, and he had a
look about him as though he were constantly working things out,
slowly, thoughtfully. Patiently. Louis sighed as he followed him
down the hallway, the man’s strong, slightly hunched shoulders
swaying as he walked. To Louis, problems always seemed like
the worst, the most unsolvable. He was a panicker, a grouser, an
overreactor, couldn’t be patient to save his life. One thing went
wrong, and the whole world was ending. Louis supposed that to
men like Harry Styles, he must seem like a helpless ninny.
Harry showed him into a tiny office full of papers. He took a seat
behind a cramped desk and gestured for Louis to sit as well. Louis
folded himself into a worn leather chair decorated with hand-
tacked studs, slightly uneven, sliding a file out of his briefcase as
he did so.
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Very faint, as though the office had once been saturated with it,
and then shut up for a long time.
“And this is…?” Harry spread out his hands, shoving piles of
raggedly-opened, hastily re-stuffed envelopes aside to make room
for Louis to plunk the deed down in front of him.
Louis sighed. “You know what it is, Mr. Styles. Anne’s filled me
in on the whole situation. Specifically how you’ve been avoiding
it, which is why I’m here.”
“Call me Harry.”
Louis just rolled his eyes as he watched Harry pick up the first
page of the deed and read through it soberly before crumpling it
in his big fist.
“You know I have that on a flash drive. You can’t just get rid of
it by -—”
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his knees and shoved it back into his briefcase. “And making my
headache worse,” he added under his breath.
“I’m not signing the deed,” Harry said. He nodded once, his face
simple and open. Then he tipped his head up to toss back the rest
of his beer, long curls falling behind his ears. He licked his wet
lips and sighed, and set the empty bottle down on his desk with a
clink. “I told my mother that.”
“I’m aware of what land I use,” Harry said, with a wry smile.
“This ranch was willed to me by my grandfather. He brought me
up on it, and I won’t sell any part of it.”
“That’s not my fault. Mom arranged the survey and brokered the
entire sale without consulting me,” Harry said, “but I’m the sole
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property owner. Legally, I don’t have to sign anything.” He
smiled across his desk at Louis, friendly but firm. Resolute. “And
I’m afraid I’m not very inclined to.”
“Harry, the long term gains from this deal are going to be
considerable for both your ranch and your mother’s company. It
benefits everyone. The amount of money from the sale alone, I
mean, my god…”
“I will not sell that land. For oil money or anything else.”
The cowboy’s voice was quiet. There was something in his eyes
as he looked at Louis that made the words go straight to his heart.
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“Okay,” Louis said. He felt utterly defeated, rubbing at his
temples. “Can I use your phone?” He gestured to Harry’s
landline. “Spotty cell reception for me out here. I have to call my
boss.”
“Be my guest,” said Harry. He rose and strode out of the office,
shutting the door quietly behind him. Louis took out his cell to
find the number, fingers shaking as he dialed it on Harry’s old-
fashioned beige box of a telephone.
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“Do whatever it takes. Wear him down. Be a pest. I know you
know how to do that…”
There was a click, and the line went dead. “Fuck off,” Louis
muttered as he gently replaced the receiver in the cradle,
wondering why it had to be his life that was getting derailed. He
made a small, unattractively whiny noise just as the door opened
again and Harry reappeared, folded towel in hand.
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“Better make yourself comfortable, then!” Harry held out the
towel. There was a small smile playing across his face, as though
he were unsure whether Louis would appreciate the offer.
Another wave of awkward, guilty annoyance washed through
Louis’s tired body.
“Oh, it’s too late to drive all the way back to Sheridan.” Harry
plopped the towel into Louis’s hands. “Come on, guest room’s
down the hall. Take a shower if you’d like. You might be here for
another day or so.” He chuckled low in his throat. “Mom and I
can both be pretty stubborn.”
Louis followed him, too exhausted to protest. The last thing that
caught his eye before he left the office was a framed piece of
paper hanging just above the desk. It was a master’s degree in
English Literature from Princeton University. The name on it was
Harry Styles.
God. Louis closed his eyes and gritted his teeth at himself. He
walked down the darkened hallway after Harry, feeling incredibly
uncomfortable in his skin. Part of his brain was reminding his hips
not to sway as he walked, his arms unnaturally rigid at his sides.
He felt like he was in a straightjacket.
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“Hey,” he said, just as Harry was showing him the bathroom.
“I’m sorry about… before…” He shrugged, not knowing what
else to add. “Like. With the road. And the honking.”
Harry just laughed. “Give me your keys, I’ll get your suitcase out
of your car.”
“You don’t have to,” Louis said, but he dug his keys out of his
pocket anyway.
Harry shut the door, leaving Louis in the bright bathroom. It was
cheery, all white and yellow tiles freshly scrubbed with
something that smelled of lemon. Louis undressed slowly, folding
his suit on the carpeted toilet seat cover before he turned on the
shower. He experienced a moment of disorientation as he stepped
under the warm spray.
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soaped himself. His cock filled a little when he washed it, on the
edge of something just like the rest of him. He ignored its flush,
ignored the pooling arousal in his belly as he thought of Harry.
How he’d handled that horse so smoothly. His chest, left on
display during the whole course of their conversation in the
office. The dimple in his cheek.
He turned the water off and worked the towel over himself,
preferring not to think. He slung it half-damp around his waist
when he was finished, grabbed his folded suit and his shoes and
stuck his head out of the bathroom, bracing himself against the
relatively cool air as he let steam escape into the hallway. There
was no one about. The whole house was quiet.
Louis padded to the guest room Harry had pointed out. A lamp
had been turned on, his suitcase standing by the bed. Louis didn’t
bother digging inside it for pajamas; he hadn’t remembered to
pack any. He slipped between the sheets naked, sighing at the feel
of fresh cotton on clean skin. There was a glass of water on the
nightstand, and a tablet of ibuprofen.
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For your headache. — H.
Louis sat bolt upright in bed. He was still tired enough that it hurt
when he tried to open his eyes, but he sat there breathing heavily
as distant, dreamlike images from the previous night came
drifting back. The cows in the middle of the road and the donkey-
dog, Zayn on the phone telling him he had to stay, how he’d had
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a shower and then slipped into bed without any clothes on. Harry
Styles’s oddly heartfelt hospitality given the situation.
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transfer as quickly as possible so he could just get the hell out of
here already. Judging by the light streaming in through the oddly
dainty curtains, his best guess was that it was already distressingly
late in the morning.
But he couldn’t keep himself from thinking about the way Styles
had looked in the saddle. So comfortable and controlled. Capable.
Rugged. That’s what it was. Harry Styles was rugged. Just saying
the word in his head sent a hot little zip of uneasy arousal into
Louis’s belly. Louis was a lot of things, but rugged had never
been one of them.
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It’s like he’s straight out of some kind of idiotic romance novel,
Louis told himself, rolling his eyes while he sat on the edge of the
bed to pull on his dress socks. Even the way he talks.
The house was very quiet. So quiet that it startled all the bluster
he’d just worked up right out of him. He felt out of place as he
stood outside the guest room, his underlying sense that he didn’t
really belong there resurfacing and making him want to be as
inconspicuous as possible. Blend in. He started slinking down the
hall, tiptoeing carefully along the wall so as not to disturb the
silence.
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Not only was the scenery unbelievable, but Harry Styles’s ranch
house was also absolutely gorgeous and so impeccably decorated
for its western setting that it reminded Louis of an aspirational
spread in a Better Homes and Gardens. The worst part was that it
was still so clearly a home -— Louis couldn’t even feel irritated
about how nice it was without feeling guilty. There were framed
family photographs and childhood artwork on display all over the
place. Someone had draped several holey afghans over the back
of one of the sofas, and Louis could see some kind of pet hair on
most of the visible upholstery. The easy chair that faced the large
flat screen television had patches of worn fabric on the armrests
from long-term use. Everything was lovely and lived in, and it
made Louis feel even more dissatisfied than usual about the
pathetic state of his own apartment in Denver, with its continually
blank walls.
Louis moved into the space that made up the dining room, drawn
there by the pictures on the wall. His brow furrowed as looked at
a photo of a much younger Anne Twist standing next to an older
couple. They were beaming down at a small boy who was
grinning proudly next to a calf and holding up a bright blue
ribbon, tiny Stetson sitting on his head at a jaunty angle.
Louis jumped at the sound of a voice from the kitchen, his cheeks
heating a little at having been caught snooping. Niall, the ranch
hand from the night before, was standing next to one of the
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counters with an amused expression on his face. Judging by the
large amount of fresh dirt on his jeans and the flush on his face,
he’d already been hard at work that morning. Currently he had a
steaming cup of coffee in one hand and half a bagel coated with
far too much cream cheese in the other.
Niall shook his head, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
He took his time before he spoke again. “He’s out mending some
fences. I can take you to him, if you want. I gotta go past there
anyway, check on the heifers.”
“Oh,” Louis said, shifting his briefcase from hand to hand, “yeah,
that would be… that would be great. Thank you.”
Niall took another huge bite of his bagel and glanced down at
Louis’s wingtipped feet, snorting as he chewed. “Should probably
at least getcha some boots before we go…”
“No,” Louis said, peeking down at his shoes. “No. I think I’ll be
all right.”
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Niall kept chewing his bagel slowly and looking at Louis like he
thought that was definitely the wrong decision, but all he said was
“Suit yourself.”
Twenty minutes later, Louis had eaten a bagel of his own and
been given a surprisingly delicious cup of coffee in a travel mug.
He followed Niall out to one of the F150s he’d seen in the
driveway the night before.
“Oh, uh,” Louis blinked more sleep out of his eyes. He’d been
staring at the digital display on the radio. It was 10:00 a.m. -—
Louis hadn’t slept in past eight in years. Wyoming was starting
to feel like a different dimension. “No. No, I hadn’t heard that
one.”
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Louis huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, I know the one.”
A few minutes later he stopped the truck on the side of the road,
throwing it into park and hopping out. He left his door hanging
open, and Louis sat in the cab listening to the ding-ding-ding of
the alert that the keys were still in the ignition, unsure of what to
do until he saw that Niall had opened a large gate and was
hurrying back to the truck.
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much more aware that he had no actual plan for how he was going
to go about convincing Harry Styles to sign on the dotted line,
other than standing next to him awkwardly, in inappropriate farm
clothing, and simply asking.
So, what? I’ll do polite asking and then impolite asking and then
whining and begging? This is the fucking worst.
Louis drew even with Niall just in time to see the affectionate
smirk on his face when he replied.
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“This is a big deal, Ni,” Harry said. He didn’t acknowledge
Louis’s presence.
Harry huffed out a laugh and shook his head. He was still facing
away from them, but Louis thought he had probably rolled his
eyes. Louis shifted his weight and pretended he was interested in
staring off at the mountains. He felt like a third wheel.
“Nah, branched out to the Spice Girls last week. Think they liked
it,” Harry said as he inspected his work.
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“See you at dinner?” Harry asked, glancing back at him.
What the fuck do I even say? How long will I be in this god damn
field? All day. Forever, actually. That is the answer. I’ll be here
forever. I am never leaving Wyoming and I’ll never see Denver
again.
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Louis felt his chest go tight as they regarded each other, any sort
of retort he might have made dying on his lips as he took the
rancher fully in. Styles had pulled his hair up into a tiny bun at
the back of his head and it emphasized the strength of his brow
and the cut of his jaw. He was in another pair of faded, well-fitting
blue jeans and a red flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the
elbow. The gaps between his gloves and shirt sleeves revealed the
sort of perfectly lean and sinewy forearms that in Louis’s mind
were synonymous with toughness and hard work.
I’m the one from the idiotic romance novel, he thought, distressed.
God. Put it away. This is Wyoming, for crying out loud!
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“To answer your question, yes, we do tend to sing to our cattle
here at the Lonely Rose. But Jolene gets extra-special treatment,
because she is a heifer who is pregnant with twins.”
Styles snorted, and he was smiling and shaking his head, dimples
deep, as he leaned down to pick up a roll of barbed wire. He
tucked the unusual racheting tool and the pliers under his other
arm. “Please call me Harry, Louis. And I think you know it’s
called a pasture, not a cow food field.”
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There was something about the amused little twinkle in Harry’s
eye when he said it that made Louis almost chuckle in spite of
himself, but he just smiled slightly around another huff of
frustration and pressed on. “Okay fine, pasture, whatever. It can’t
be used as a pasture. Either way, it’s just sitting there!”
“We went over this last night, Louis. I’m fully aware of what I’m
using my land for, and I still haven’t changed my mind. You won’t
change my mind. I am not signing,” Harry stated calmly, kneeling
down to get back to work. He adjusted his gloves at the wrist and
then grabbed the broken piece of wire that was still attached to
the closest fencepost, wrenching the loose end of it around with
his hands to twist it into a small loop.
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“Okay,” Louis said, slowly and measured to convey the extent of
his frustration. He frowned and fiddled with the silver buckle on
his case.
Louis just shrugged and shook his head. He was at a loss for what
to do, and as he looked out at the surrounding landscape, at a
small stand of trees along the edge of the pasture and then farther,
to the mountains beyond, he felt increasingly baffled by how this
was even happening to him. Harry Styles’s complete calm over
his refusal to sign the document, despite the fact that it was an
incredibly sound business decision, made everything feel so
surreal. As if some other Louis, in a universe where things made
sense, was already on an airplane heading back home to Denver
and this version of Louis, the one that was standing in a cow
pasture, had actually fallen down some strange ranchland rabbit
hole where absolutely nothing went as one would hope or expect.
“I’ll tell you what,” Harry said slowly, rubbing at his jawline like
he was working something out before pointing toward the fence.
“I have to get this work done now. Today. And I don’t get the
greatest cell coverage out here, but I promise I’ll call my mother
tonight and get things straightened out so you can go home
tomorrow. All right?”
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Louis nodded, letting out a sigh of relief that seemed to relax
Harry as well. He’d continued to stare up at Louis with wide eyes
from his crouched position by the broken fence, and Louis
squirmed a bit under the attention when he noticed, reminded
again of how out of place his clothes were for the setting.
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“My parents gave it to me, when I got into law school.”
“Was a good choice,” Harry said, reaching for the tightening tool
and cinching wire into it. “Are you in law school now?” He
sounded concerned. “They wouldn’t send you out here then,
would they?”
“No. No, in the fall,” Louis murmured, shaking his head. “I start
in the fall. At Boulder.”
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was in the Peace Corps,” he said instead, his pride forcing him
into it. “I mean, that’s why -— that’s why I waited so long…”
Shit.
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He should have taken Niall up on his offer of those boots. He
really hadn’t thought this through.
“Well,” Louis said, unable to stop his voice from coming out in a
whine. He squirmed and hugged his briefcase closer, wincing as
he looked out at the horizon. “I mean, how far away is the house?”
“I’d let you take the four wheeler,” Harry said, motioning in the
general direction of the gate, “but I have to hit a couple more
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pastures by the end of the day.” He started knee-walking toward
the other fencepost, smiling at Louis and waving the strange
racheting tool at him. “You could make yourself useful, if you
want.”
It’s the least he could do, since he’s trapped me here for the time
being, he thought darkly, carefully picking his way closer to
Harry through the long grass.
“You said ’first of all,’” Harry pointed out, cinching a wire into
one end of his tightening tool.
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“What? Oh. Um. Okay, yeah, that’s everything. I’d ruin my
pants.”
Harry snorted, wiping sweat off his brow. “Suit yourself,” he said,
echoing Niall’s refrain from earlier. He turned back to the broken
fence and began to hum contentedly as he continued his task.
“Well,” Louis said with a bit of sass, as he drifted closer, “you tell
me.”
55
“Yeah, it’s called a fence stretcher,” Harry said, as he began to
use it. There was a hint of a smile on his face, like he found
Louis’s slight attitude to be entertaining for some reason. “It pulls
the wire taut, see?”
Louis nodded.
“The wire snapped in a bad storm, but both pieces are still
attached to the posts,” Harry explained. He pointed toward the
fencepost to their left. “So, first you make some loops, like I did
down there, and sort of splice in a new piece of wire from your
roll.”
Louis moved to the side to get a look at where Harry had fastened
the new wire together with the old, the repair piece still attached
to the coil of barbed wire.
“Then, you make a little loop at the end of the wire from the other
post,” Harry said, pointing down at the separate piece of wire that
was attached to the post to their right. He picked up the coil and
moved it around a little for Louis’s benefit. “And you unspool
some, you know, a little more than enough to bridge the gap, and
put both sections into the stretcher.” He pointed down to where
he had cinched the two unconnected sections of wire into the tool.
He smiled at Louis, picking it up and using the racheting
mechanism. “Then you increase the tension ’til it’s taut, like I
said.”
56
“So you twist them together, after?” Louis asked, squinting
sharply as he poked at the wire in between the stretcher. “Like
secure them together?”
Harry nodded, picking up the wire cutters and snipping the new
wire off the coil before connecting it to the piece that was attached
to the fencepost. “Yep, not much to it. Then you take off the
stretcher, and… done!”
He set the tool down at his knees and leaned back onto his heels,
nimbly unbuttoning his flannel shirt.
57
Louis hesitated for a second, but then Harry produced another pair
of work gloves out of his back pocket, and it was either this or
staring into space for the rest of the day.
Harry laughed, handing Louis the gloves. “We’ll get you there.”
58
Harry smirked, picking up the roll of barbed wire again. “I am
aware.”
“Well done,” he said, climbing to his feet and pulling off his work
gloves before taking a big swig from his water bottle.
Harry held out the water wordlessly and Louis pulled off his
gloves, blinking down at his hands for a second. Harry’s gloves
had been almost comically large on him, an extra half-inch of
fabric sticking off the ends of each of his fingers. He had this
strange urge to place his hand directly over Harry’s on the bottle
when he moved to take it from him, suddenly itching to get an
exact visual on their difference in size. Being around capable,
sturdy Harry all day had made Louis feel almost dainty, aware of
his smaller stature in a way he actually liked. As he took a gulp
of the water, it dawned on him that he’d been gesturing and
speaking with his hands more freely than he normally would in a
59
situation like this, with someone he barely knew. He’d wanted to
draw Harry’s attention to his smaller size, too.
I’ve been showing off, Louis realized, his face going a little hot as
he remembered the theatrical way he’d told Harry a story when
they’d split the sandwich Harry had packed for lunch, some stupid
little anecdote about a particularly disastrous tuna salad. I’ve
practically been fucking flirting with him this whole time! Has he
-— has he been flirting back? No…
Louis was surprised, and it must have shown on his face because
Harry made a small noise of delight. “It’s nearly six o’clock,
Louis.” He stood with his hands on his hips and nodded toward
the sun, as if to point out how far it had sunk in the sky. “Time
flies when you’re having fun, huh?”
Louis rolled his eyes, but he truly had lost track of time. It felt
like that tunafish sandwich had been just an hour ago.
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“I suppose,” he whispered, suddenly wondering how much he’d
impeded Harry’s progress earlier in the day when he hadn’t
known what he was doing. Someone else might have just told
Louis to go sit on the ATV and fucking wait. Louis felt
disoriented for a moment, thinking back to how irritated he’d
been that morning, just at being forced out into the field. He
certainly didn’t feel that way now, even though (despite Harry’s
chivalrous offer of the flannel shirt) his pants were filthy and his
beloved wingtips were caked with mud.
“Come on,” Harry said. He stuffed the dirtied flannel into his bag
along with the pliers and the water bottle and shouldered it with
ease, leaning down to pick up the depleted coil of barbed wire.
“Grab the fence stretcher?”
The ride back from the pasture was fairly short, but Louis
managed to get lost in thought anyway. Pressed up against Harry
Styles’s strong back, he watched the ground roll by under the
wheels of the ATV, the occasional pebble kicking up. He felt
satisfaction from hard work, the sort that he hadn’t felt for a long
time. His whole body was tired, but in a way that promised a
lovely, achy soreness the next morning, and Louis was looking
forward to a hot shower and a cold beer and melting into some
kind of soft surface for the rest of the night.
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There was something bittersweet about it all that he couldn’t quite
get a handle on, and thinking about his life back in Denver
somehow made his heart twist a little -— so he tried not to.
“Yeah. Hi, Mom,” Harry replied, leaning back in his creaky old
desk chair with his right foot resting on his left knee. He looked
antsy to Louis, like he wanted to get down to business but
couldn’t help checking in with her first. “How are you?”
Harry sighed and tugged his hair out of its bun. He let it fall to his
shoulders before tangling a hand in it. “I’m all right.”
62
“Did you sign the paper for that nice young man I sent?” she
asked. Louis thought he could hear in her voice that she knew
Harry hadn’t.
Harry gave a humorless laugh and rolled his eyes. “You mean,
did I sign that paper for you?”
There was a long pause. Louis fidgeted on his leather seat, feeling
increasingly awkward as the seconds ticked by. Harry was the
first to speak again.
63
“Are you still there?” he asked, his voice pinched with
annoyance. Louis felt his lips quirk almost into a smirk -— leave
it to one’s mother to cause a relapse into childish petulance.
“Well…”
“I think it’s for the best if Mr. Tomlinson stays out there until a
decision is made.”
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“I’m not being unreasonable at all!” Harry practically shouted,
and Louis’s attention snapped back to him immediately, the
emotion in Harry’s voice catching him by surprise. Louis blinked.
Harry’s hands were trembling slightly where they rested on his
thighs, and he took what looked like a deep, calming breath before
he went on, his voice measured but tense. “You are making this
incredibly awkward.”
“Well, think about the awkward position you’ve put me in, dear.”
“What? You are unb-—” Harry cut himself off when his voice
started to rise again, his fists clenching. He took another deep
breath. “Okay. Fine. But this is my property, a fact you seem
hellbent on ignoring. If Louis stays here against my wishes he’ll
be trespassing, and I can have him removed.”
“Yes, you could do that,” Anne said, and Louis could tell from
the complete calm in her voice that she knew Harry never would.
Judging by Harry’s darkened expression, she was right.
65
It struck Louis again, how powerfully attractive Harry was, even
in anger. Straight brows, slanting cheekbones, and soft, curving
lips -— he’d never seen someone so handsome in real life, and he
knew Zayn!
How do people just go through the world like that? What’s it like?
he wondered. Louis knew he was far from unattractive himself,
but he couldn’t help falling into idle, slightly envious thoughts of
Harry in high school -— popular and sought after, turning things
in his favor with a simple smile -— until he was brought back by
the sound of his own name.
Harry rolled his eyes but obliged, switching the phone off speaker
and handing it to Louis rather forcefully. Louis swallowed hard.
He felt self-conscious and also a bit helpless, like a pawn in a
game where the parameters weren’t clear, one that he hadn’t even
agreed to play in the first place.
“Louis, hi,” Anne said gently, clearly tired. “I’m very sorry about
the situation.”
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“Uh -— that’s. That’s all right…”
“I’m going to have to ask that you stay out there until this matter
is settled,” she went on. “I know you have things you were
working on here at the office, but I’m assuming most of it can be
done over remote connection? You must have your laptop there,”
she didn’t wait for a confirmation, “and I’ll have Zayn reassign
anything that needs to be done in person. I’m sure Nick can
handle it.”
“Okay…”
“I know it might take some time. Don’t worry, you aren’t going
to be evaluated based on that.” Anne paused again, and Louis
thought he could hear her shaking her head. “It’s a complicated
situation, but I need a physical presence there, reminding him that
this isn’t just going to go away. Understand?”
67
“Um, yes,” Louis said, despite the fact that now it felt like the
situation was slipping completely out of his grasp and he was
powerless to stop it. He wiped his right palm on his thigh. It had
gone clammy with anxious sweat.
“Thank you very much. Believe me, your dedication is not going
unnoticed.”
“We’ll pay you double time while you’re out there, Louis, and
anything you purchase in terms of clothing or food, anything like
that at all, it will be reimbursed.”
68
“Now, could you give the phone back to my son, please?” Anne
asked. “I need to tell him I love him before I hang up.”
69
Chapter 2
70
“Play nice, kids,” she’d say. “Don’t have too much fun.”
Then the door would close, and Ted would ignore him. Louis
would sit in the corner, curled in on himself, wiggling his toes and
toying with the hem of his jammies, not allowed to touch any of
the books or games in Ted’s room.
That’s what this felt like. But with all the added pressure of
actually being an adult, and having to do a job, preferably in a
somewhat socially acceptable manner. No corners to hide in.
“No, don’t be,” Harry waved him away, but there was a whiff of
play nice, kids in his voice. He was smoothing things over. “My
mom’s stubborn; I told you. Especially about money stuff.” He
rolled his shoulders, bringing one hand up to push on a deltoid
and flexing his neck, as though he were trying to unknot some
tension. “Mrs. Burden’ll have supper on soon. She’s the
71
housekeeper. Niall helps her out in the kitchen most nights;
between the two of them they almost make one good cook.”
Louis felt polite, wry amusement flicker over his features, almost
an involuntary response. “Sure,” he said, with an odd flutter in his
chest. Sure I’ll eat with you. Sure I’ll meet this Maggie person,
who you haven’t mentioned before but who is clearly your wife.
Because you’re straight. And a real adult man who can ride a
horse and fix fences. Louis wondered again about the degree from
Princeton, still hanging crookedly over Harry’s desk -—
wondered if Harry’d had other goals at one point as well, if there
was any version of him that wasn’t a cattle rancher.
Harry eased himself out of his chair, and Louis noticed the hint
of a grimace -— a twinge in one of his lumbar muscles, maybe.
Louis imagined kneading his lower back until it felt better,
pressing kisses into the skin there. Warm, and probably paler than
his slightly windburned face.
72
Stop.
Harry beckoned Louis back down the hall, out into the open living
area. The colors of the sunset flooded the dining space, only
accentuated by a few spare pendant lights over the table. Unlike
the night before, the place was bustling with people; there were
ranch hands everywhere, easing their feet out of worn boots and
drinking beers they’d been handed as soon as they’d come
through the door. Their hoarse-voiced chatter made Louis feel
simultaneously less obtrusive and more out of place, as though he
were wandering into a conversation that had been going on for a
long time. He tensed up automatically, and consciously reminded
himself that it was better to just continue to act as straight as
possible. Unfamiliar words like seedstock and banding were
being thrown around, and Louis started imperceptibly when he
heard one of the hands casually say, “should castrate ’em all.”
Cows, Louis reminded himself. They’re talking about cows.
He forced himself to relax a little and edged into the room after
Harry, finally smiling at the sight of Niall in large, floral oven
mitts. He was carrying a glass pan of macaroni casserole out of
the kitchen, shouting, “Outta my way, losers! Hot plate coming
through! Gourmet eats!”
A woman followed him, huge bowl of salad in her arms. She was
gorgeous and willowy, dressed in a classic gingham shift with an
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open collar, barefoot and laughing. Harry made a beeline for her,
taking the heavy, ceramic bowl from her with one hand as he
planted a lingering kiss on her cheek. Oh, thought Louis, as his
heart plummeted and he struggled desperately not to be
disappointed. Yeah, I thought so. He felt silly for even having
entertained the idea of flirting with Harry, and tried to force
himself not to notice the way Harry’s flannel shirt and worn jeans
fit him so easily. Everything was a fit. Harry Styles and his weird
cows and his lovely wife, together on his ranch. A picture-perfect
American family, with just enough quirkiness thrown in to make
Louis ache a little.
“Oh, okay,” Maggie smiled. Then she rolled her eyes and checked
Harry away from her with a sharp elbow. “And don’t call me that,
H. You know I hate that song.” She extended her hand to Louis,
and they shook. “Just Maggie, please.”
74
heart clench. It would be pretty nice to have something like that,
he thought.
“I don’t know why he’d consider you a disruption,” she said, “but
if you are one, you don’t have to apologize to me about it. We
love guests. I do, at least. Too many of the same old dickheads
around here.” She said the last part rather loudly on purpose, and
gave Harry a kick in the shin with her bare foot as she retreated
into the kitchen.
“You literally are,” she fired back. “Your nose looks exactly like
a penis.” She left Harry frowning at this retort and disappeared
around the corner toward the sound of Niall’s laughter.
75
“I don’t think your nose looks like a penis,” Louis said, and then
felt his face heat up when Harry glanced back at him. “Not that I
know what penises look like!” he scrambled to add. “Like,
besides my own. Obviously. No extra penises for me.” Oh, Jesus.
Louis glanced down at the bottle in his hand. It was a craft beer
with a hipstery-looking label, Going To The Sun IPA. Odd
choice. There was something odd about Harry… something a bit
unexpected. Louis twisted off the cap and took a swig through
pursed lips, letting the bitterness of the hops play across his
tongue. Harry the cattle rancher with the Ivy League degree and
the cow serenades. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
76
He prided himself on being progressive and liberal and very open-
minded, and people who embraced so-called “traditional values”
annoyed him intensely. He’d spent enough time around that sort
growing up. It’s her home too, he thought. She at least deserves
to know. I wonder if he makes all the decisions for both of them.
Maggie brought the last of the food through to the dining area, a
big basket of hot dinner rolls, and whistled through her teeth to
get everyone’s attention. “Eat!” she commanded, taking a seat
next to Niall. Another woman followed her out of the kitchen, still
holding a wooden stirring spoon, humming distractedly,
squinting at the table as though trying to account for everything.
Her gray hair was pulled up in a tight bun. Mrs. Burden, Louis
thought. That must be where those lace curtains in the guest room
came from. She nodded once and started to sit down herself,
before realizing she still had the spoon in her hand.
Louis claimed the end of one of the long benches, trying to avoid
bringing attention to himself as a newcomer. Normally he’d have
no problem fitting into a new group, the loud, loud, loud side of
his personality masking any social anxiety, but his position at the
ranch was already so awkward. And there was something about
being in the company of large, flannel-wearing working men that
put the ugly taste of Long Prairie back in his mouth, and caused
him to want to hide parts of himself. Be less “out there,” as his
mother would say. (She always did like a good euphemism.)
77
So he griped silently instead. He found himself next to Harry, who
seated himself at the head of the table. Classic, Louis thought.
Big, manly provider and all that.
Louis reached timidly across the table for a roll, and was surprised
when Harry beat him to the basket, flipping the cloth napkin off
the top and handing him one. Then he kept handing him things.
Green beans, a big scoop of the macaroni dish… Louis accepted
all of it with raised eyebrows, odd shiver in his belly every time
Harry put something else on his plate for him.
78
about cow castration just a few minutes before. “In fact, I’d even
put 98 Degrees as my number two.”
“That is the greatest,” Harry piped up. “Hey Louis, what’s your
favorite boy band? But like, careful how you answer. Niall might
kill you.”
Niall nodded and poked his fork toward Louis. “If the word
Lachey leaves your lips, you’re dead.”
79
The stormy expression on Niall’s face cleared, and he nodded
approvingly. “That I can respect.” He held out the neck of his beer
bottle, and Louis clinked it with his own. “Louis, everyone!” he
announced to the table. “In case he hasn’t introduced himself to
ya. Notary republic. Good taste.”
Then Harry went around the table and pointed at all the ranch
hands, introducing them to Louis with their names and job titles,
and little tidbits of information about them. There was Hank,
cattle wrangler, tragically committed to teetotalism. Paul, cattle
wrangler, who had been working on the ranch since before Harry
was born. They were both solid-looking men in their mid-fifties.
Austin, farrier, amateur rapper -— he couldn’t have been much
older than twenty, and was clearly the baby of the group. Roby,
horse trainer, about to get his GED… Their names began to blur
together, but Louis smiled and nodded at them all. It was
obviously a close-knit bunch, here at the Lonely Rose. Harry
seemed the type to consider his employees family members.
80
“Not a lot,” Louis said. “I mean, a bit.”
She snorted. “More than me,” she said. “I grew up here. I’m
teaching a World Geography unit right now over at the middle
school in Sheridan, sort of ironic… Ooh!” she broke a dinner roll
in half and gestured with it. “Went to the Grand Canyon once.
That was pretty cool.”
“Oh yeah?” Louis felt a genuine smile coming on. Despite his
weird jealousy over her husband, he found Maggie herself to be
charming. It made sense that she and Harry had ended up
together. Objectively, he could admit that much.
“Where did you go?” she asked. “For the Peace Corps, I mean.
Lots of places?”
81
Maggie nodded, clearly delighted.
Maggie laughed. Harry was looking down at his plate, eating, but
Louis could see the hint of a dimple in his cheek and knew he was
listening. It sent a thrill up his spine.
“So, like, the other kid was mad about that. And he pointed back
at Nikos and said, ’His name is Fuck-you-Bush!’”
“So wait, they thought ’Fuck you, Bush’ was one word?” Harry
asked. He started laughing as well, and Louis relaxed.
82
“Yeah,” he shrugged, taking another sip of beer. “Like, it was
when he was still president, and there was a lot of international
backlash against him. So this kid must’ve heard people saying it
and thought that Fuck-you-Bush was just another English swear
word.”
Harry aimed a wide grin at him, and wow, his smile. Maybe it was
the two beers he’d had, but Louis felt lightheaded for a second. “I
love kids,” said Harry, softly.
Before he could say anything else, Maggie cut in. “So, Looo-uis,”
she said, sounding out the vowels with a long drawl and waggling
her eyebrows. “Anyone special back in Denver we’re taking you
away from tonight? Girlfriend? Wife?”
Weird.
But supper went on. Maggie left that line of questioning alone and
went back to asking Louis about Romania and his time in the
83
Peace Corps. He told her more of his travel anecdotes,
lighthearted stories about stray dogs and suspicious old bunici
with their hair wrapped up in black scarves. He didn’t tell her
about the homophobia. Didn’t tell her about how confining it felt
to always have to avoid being too obvious, how exhausting it was
to constantly be slightly afraid -— usually just slightly, but
sometimes more -— in an area where being gay was more than
frowned upon. Didn’t tell her about rakia, the strong, fruity
moonshine that the men would sit in the shade and sip for hours…
Didn’t tell her how forcefully this reminded him of that. Sitting
and sipping his beer, slightly apprehensive, a small man amongst
bigger men.
And all the time Harry was listening to him, monitoring his
conversations but rarely talking himself. He seemed to be looking
at Louis a lot. Louis felt Harry’s gaze prickle over his skin. Even
though the sexual attraction presumably wasn’t mutual, there was
definitely something between them. Some weird energy. Louis
swallowed around a knot of nervousness in his throat. He gripped
the paper napkin in his lap as he talked, picking the edges apart,
wondering if he was going crazy or if Harry felt it too.
“Hey,” he said, just as supper was starting to wrap up, his voice
low and confidential. Harry leaned in. “I think I caught your wife
off guard earlier.”
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“Your wife,” Louis said, nodding across the table at Maggie. “I
mentioned the… situation, the reason why I’m here, and she
didn’t seem to know what I was talking about.”
Louis looked over to where Maggie and Niall were jostling each
other, arguing loudly but playfully over who had called dibs on
the last dinner roll. Niall pinched Maggie’s arm, and she yelped.
He used the momentary distraction to grab the roll for himself,
holding it above her head like a ten-year-old while she scowled at
him.
“They act like siblings, though,” Louis whispered. “Are you sure
they’re married?”
85
Harry snorted. “Trust me, you do not want to third wheel with
them when they’re in the mood to make out.” He shivered and
shook his head, wearing an expression of pained distaste.
“They’re really into open-mouthed tonguing; it’s just…
incredibly disgusting.”
Oh. It was obvious, now Harry had pointed it out to him. Louis
wondered how he could have missed it.
Louis’s throat suddenly felt like it was closing up, his chest
constricted with hope. “So you’re not…” He made an abortive
little gesture, unable to force the words out.
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“Nope,” Harry said. “I’m like you.”
Right. Okay. Louis was oddly aware of the air rushing into and
out of his lungs. It felt thin suddenly, like he was up in the
Bighorns instead of below them. Head pounding at 10,000 feet.
Just because he’s not married doesn’t mean he’s not straight.
Most people are. He probably is. So calm down.
Louis could not stop his mind from going there. He couldn’t hold
back a sudden flash of Harry spread out in front of him, three
fingers deep and the veins in his neck standing out as he arched
up off the mattress, room smelling of sex and sweat, both of them
hard. Completely open. Fuck.
87
He cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. Luckily, supper
was over, and that provided some distraction. Niall and Mrs.
Burden were clearing the empty dishes off the table, Maggie
sitting back to finish the last of her beer with a satisfied burp.
“Hey!” she said. “I just remembered, I’ve got something for you.”
She leaned down, searching in the large purse at her feet. She
drew out a plastic Walgreen’s bag and tossed it at him.
“Toothbrush,” she said. “Toothpaste, floss, shaving stuff.”
Louis opened the bag and surveyed its contents with a surprised
laugh. “How did you…?”
88
those roles pretty seriously out on the ranch, so no, you don’t have
to give me any money.”
But Harry looked quite sincere and Louis brushed the thought
aside, blaming it on the corporate lawyer’s mentality Zayn had
told him he was beginning to develop. “Don’t ever trust
businesspeople,” Zayn always said. “They’ll shake your hand and
feed you bullshit.”
Louis wondered if Harry was feeding him bullshit. For all the
literal bullshit they were probably surrounded with, he didn’t
think so. Still… there was something about Harry he didn’t quite
get.
“Oh… kay,” Louis said, voice hitching in the middle of the word
as he closed the bag and wound the crinkly plastic handles around
his fingers. “Thank you.”
89
through the material of his shirt, made it hard for Louis to breathe.
He squeezed slightly, and then slipped away. Louis felt static
rushing to his head, wondering whether he’d just imagined it.
“G’night,” he said, and his own voice sounded raw to his ears.
Most of the other ranch hands had left. Louis stayed at the table
for another half an hour, chatting with Maggie and Niall as they
played cribbage. He got lost in the fifteen two, fifteen four and a
pair is six counts, blinking back to himself after Maggie won the
first game on a twelve-point crib. He smiled politely and said a
final goodnight, padding back to the guest room with his plastic
bag, feeling a bit out of place.
When he crawled into bed, damp towel still wrapped around his
waist, he booted up his laptop and checked his email. Zayn had
sent him some work, a couple of contracts to draft and one of
Nick’s to look over. It involved downloading a fuck-ton of files,
90
some of them video. Louis sighed and began the download,
wondering idly if it was safe to look at gay porn on Harry’s wifi.
Probably no one at the ranch was tech-savvy enough to find out…
With a sigh, he curled in on himself and drew the covers over his
bare shoulder. Images of Harry on the horse, Harry’s big hands,
the slightly curled ends of his shaggy hair cluttered his thoughts.
Louis was horny; he was aching; he was tired. He was hard when
he finally fell asleep, his frowning face bathed in the glow of the
computer screen.
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Louis was still hard when he woke up the next morning. He lay
in bed, waiting for his erection to go away so that he could get up
and piss. A glance at his phone told him it was only five-thirty
a.m., and he could hear somebody stomping around outside in the
hallway. He shifted a little on the mattress, groaning as he felt his
muscles complain. The pleasant ache of the night before had
turned into full-blown soreness.
“Shit,” he muttered.
Before he could process it, there was a soft knock at his door and
Harry was opening it a crack to peek into the guest room. Louis
had just been in the process of stretching, one hand running idly
over his bare chest and sheet slipping down low on his stomach.
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Harry pointedly squinched his eyes shut, and swallowed slowly
before speaking. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you were like,
up… I mean! Because I heard…” He shook his head and started
over. “Wanted to see if you’d want to come with me to check on
the heifers. Jolene likes visitors, so. I thought. But obviously.”
Louis felt his cock twitch under the sheet. I shouldn’t be getting
off on this.
“I might take the rental out later to look at the actual sale
property,” he rasped. “You know, might as well.”
“You should take one of the trucks,” Harry said immediately, his
eyes still closed and the words spilling out more quickly than
normal. “You’ll have to drive over some, uh… cow food fields to
get there. Keys are in a bowl by the front door.”
93
“Excellent hosting skills, Styles!” Louis called after him. He
snuggled back down in the bed, getting a little friction against the
mattress, still sleepy and not in the mood to mind the ache in his
hard groin. He didn’t have to be up for another few hours, at least.
Then he’d get to work on those contracts.
94
in plastic wrap with a Post-It note that said “For Louis,” next to a
doodle of a penis. Louis wondered if Niall or Harry was to blame.
He also wondered what to make of the penis. Was it teasing?
Normal cow-bro behavior?
It wasn’t hard to find the parcel of land. It was at the far western
edge of the ranch, right under the mountains. Too rocky to be a
pasture, too barren to have any agricultural value.
But it was beautiful. Louis could see why Harry wanted the land
to be preserved, if environmentalism was behind his refusal to sell
-— though the more time he spent with Harry, the more Louis
thought that a simple concern for nature wasn’t quite it. There was
95
something much more complicated keeping him from signing on
the dotted line, some secret reason that went to the heart of him.
Part of the roof was caved in, and the front door was hanging half-
off its hinges. Louis stared at it, but didn’t feel like going to
explore. It filled him with an inexplicable sadness, and his
muscles were still aching under his skin. People lived there, he
thought. At some point. Who knows who? Now they’re lost; the
cabin is left, but whoever lived in it is gone, and maybe no one
even remembers them. They’ve just drifted away from the world.
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“It’s great out here, isn’t it?”
97
On Friday, Louis finally got around to the fairly sizable batch of
deposition notices he’d been assigned to draft about a month
before. He’d been procrastinating on them before he left for
Wyoming and the deadline was starting to feel uncomfortably
close, so he decided to tackle them all in one go.
He’d started right after he woke up, only pausing every so often
to creep out to the kitchen for snacks and sodas, or to indulge in
much-needed internet browsing concentration rejuvenation
breaks. The only other human being Louis saw all day was Mrs.
Burden, who’d been unimpressed when she’d caught him
standing in front of the open refrigerator and eating leftover
chicken salad right out of the bowl with his fingers.
But that had been hours and hours and several deposition notices
ago, so it was understandable that Louis jumped slightly when
there was a knock on the guest room door at around 6:30.
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to him and various food wrappers spread out over the comforter.
Louis was a natural-born slob, and he’d made a gross little work
nest just like he would have in his own apartment. Whoever was
at the door, he hoped it wasn’t Harry.
“Uh, sure,” Louis said, leaning over to stuff fruit snack and string
cheese wrappers into his nearly empty bag of Kettle Chips before
tossing them onto the floor next to the bed. Really, this wouldn’t
have happened if Harry’d had a less well-stocked kitchen. Louis
was only human.
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jealousy; he only smelled because he was wearing a sweatshirt
that was slightly too thick for the room and hadn’t bothered to
shower.
“Well, then,” Niall said, with a snort and a swig of the beer he
had in hand, “you definitely need to get out.”
“Out?”
“Yep, out. Like to a bar? We’re going out. Hank holds down the
fort every other Friday, so the rest of us can blow off some
steam,” Niall explained. “You’re coming with.”
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alcohol was involved. Harry was straight and Louis was
ridiculous.
“Um, okay,” Louis said slowly, trying to make it clear that Harry
wasn’t a deciding factor. “When are you leaving?”
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invited to go out to parties in college, all those years ago. He’d
been so nervous and overeager, so excited to get drunk and make
friends (and maybe meet another boy who openly liked boys for
the first time in his life).
Louis scoffed at himself and rolled his eyes before pausing his
circuit around the rug so he could peer into an antique mirror that
was hanging on the wall. His hair was still damp from the shower,
sticking up haphazardly, and the best he could do for an outfit was
a plain black t-shirt and the sixteen-dollar pair of dark blue
Wranglers he’d picked up at Walmart the other day.
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“It was my grandmother’s,” he said, coming up beside Louis in
his stocking feet. His cheeks were nicely rosy, and he had the
same fresh air and animal scent clinging to him that Niall’d had.
Only it smelled better to Louis for some reason, and he had to
suppress the urge to inhale deeply.
“You’re comin’ out, right H?” Niall asked, this time between
bites. “Want us to wait?”
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Niall let out another of what Louis was beginning to realize were
his signature full-body cackles. “I’m sure ya do,” he said,
grinning back at Harry.
Before Louis had any chance to figure out what was going on,
Niall was slinging an arm around his neck and guiding him
toward the door. “We’ll be at Liam’s, obviously,” he shouted over
his shoulder at Harry’s retreating figure. “Mags is meeting us
there. Roby said he’d DD.” Harry just raised an arm in
acknowledgement before disappearing down the hall to his
bedroom, and Niall turned back to Louis. “You want a jacket or
somethin’? It’s kinda cold out…”
Liam’s Saloon was nicer than Louis had imagined it would be.
He’d been expecting some kind of hokey, faux-Wild West
establishment, lots of swinging double doors and sepia-toned
pictures of people standing by wagons, holding shotguns. Instead
he found himself in a regular bar, one that would have been at
home in downtown Denver. It was bigger than it looked from the
outside, much deeper than it was wide -— a long, narrow
rectangle with a beautifully-maintained bar against the left wall
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and booths along the right. Space opened up toward the back;
there was a pool table, a couple of dart boards, and a jukebox.
It wasn’t much past seven, but the place was already fairly busy,
and they had to walk almost three-quarters of the way down the
bar before they found two open seats together. Their forward
progress was repeatedly impeded by various people to whom
Niall had to say hello.
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What the fuck?
There was a rainbow flag -— a big fat rainbow flag, just like the
ones people had been carrying around at the last Pride Louis’d
attended -— pinned tight on the wall, perfectly and proudly
displayed.
Louis thumbed over his shoulder at the flag. “Is that what I think
it is?” he asked, his skepticism clear.
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Niall’s face broken into a grin, and he took a big swig of beer
before answering in delight. “It sure is!”
“Well, no, it’s not,” said a pointed voice from behind the bar.
Louis turned and saw the bartender who had just served them. He
was good-looking and clean-cut, standing with a towel draped
over one of his nicely developed forearms and a suspicious look
on his face. He frowned at Louis. “Would you have some kind of
a problem if it was?”
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“Well,” the bartender said, a hint of pride in his voice as he threw
the towel over one shoulder and placed his hands on the bar in
front of him, “we try to be as welcoming as possible around here
for that exact reason. There isn’t an overabundance of safe spaces
for LGBT folks around these parts.”
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“Yep!” Niall said brightly. His lips were twitching at the corners
a little, like he was fighting a smile. He nudged Louis’s arm and
nodded toward the door. “There he is now.”
Louis looked over his shoulder, glancing around. The second his
eyes came to rest on Harry, he absolutely froze.
He was lucky he’d set his drink down on the bar because
otherwise it would have crashed to the floor. Which, come to
think of it, was exactly where Louis’s jaw was. His mouth was
literally hanging open as he stared at Harry Styles in complete
and total shock.
Holy shit.
109
Harry was dressed entirely in black, subtly varying shades and
textures of the color that somehow came together just so. All of it
was tight, some of it was almost sheer. He’d poured himself into
the skinniest of skinny black jeans, and his button-down shirt was
made of material so fine that Louis could see the suggestion of
dark tattoos and an infuriating hint of nipple beneath it whenever
Harry shifted in the light. It was open almost to Harry’s navel,
revealing a tantalizing view of collarbones, pecs, and sternum,
and so much smooth, supple skin. He’d tucked the shirt into the
jeans in way that emphasized its perfect tailoring; the fabric
seemed to skate over his torso, taut in all the right places. It made
Louis itch to place his hand on the soft slope of one of Harry’s
tiny little love handles and squeeze. The only western touches to
the outfit were the studded straps on Harry’s black suede ankle
boots and the black leather belt that was cinched around his
narrow waist, its large silver buckle sitting above the nice swell
of Harry’s bulge and drawing the eye.
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He dresses like this all the fucking time? What the hell? Louis
thought, his heart racing. He knew he was gawking, but he
couldn’t tear his eyes away. Harry Styles. Harry Styles. Harry
Styles. Harry’s name kept running through his mind in time with
the urgent pulse of Louis’s blood, which was singing in his ears
and surging through his body at an alarming rate.
And then everything got worse. Infinity times worse. Louis barely
even knew where he was anymore, if he was sitting or standing
or even existed in a corporeal sense at all. Because Harry Styles
had shoved a hand into the gorgeous chocolate curls he’d left
loose to his shoulders, sweeping them up off his face, and was
looking directly at Louis as he started to head toward him, his
features strong and gorgeous in the dim light. Harry’s hips
swayed gently as he walked, essentially slinking down the bar.
That, combined with the intensity of his stare, made him look like
some kind of louche vampire dandy, coming to feast upon Louis’s
neck.
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Get it together. Please. Get it together.
Louis’s mind raced back through the past couple of days they’d
spent together. It felt like the swirling, slippery puzzle pieces that
had remained stubbornly out of his gasp were suddenly falling
into place. He thought about how he had said wife, but Harry had
said only said spouse. The little looks Harry and Maggie had
exchanged during dinner. How Harry had reacted to Louis’s
morning wood. How he’d maybe been flirting back in the pasture
that day.
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When Harry finally slotted in next to him, standing up at the bar,
Louis turned forward, too overcome to maintain eye contact. He
gazed fixedly at the rows of whiskey and vodka and rum in front
of him, feeling like his nervous system had gone haywire -— his
skin was tingling and he’d broken out in goosebumps, even
though the room was suddenly too hot for comfort.
“How -— how are you, Louis?” Harry asked in his deep, velvet
rumble. He sounded almost shy, and when Louis turned his head
to meet his eyes again, Harry blushed a light pink.
Louis felt like the bottom had dropped right out of his world.
Harry shrugged, carefully tucking his hair behind his ear. Louis
blinked, still dazed, and wondered if he was imagining the slight
tremor in Harry’s hand. He looked down at his own, trapped
under his thighs on the bar stool -— otherwise they’d probably be
shaking too.
Did I just not want to see it? he asked himself. His possible
discovery about Harry’s sexuality might have shed some light on
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certain things, but it definitely didn’t make Louis feel like he was
standing on firmer ground. In fact, he felt even further in over his
head than ever. All of his preconceived notions about Wyoming
and the people in it reeled through his mind at breakneck pace,
and he felt a stab of guilt cut through the all confusion. Did I -—
Did I refuse to see it?
“You know, I’m doing all right,” Harry said, continuing before
Louis had any hope of getting a handle on himself. He shrugged
again and gave Louis a nervously playful smirk. “Couldn’t find
my jacket when I went to leave, though…”
Harry tugged on the sleeve of the tan Carhartt Louis was wearing,
and Louis’s heart flipped over in his chest, adrenaline spiking
through him when Harry’s knuckles nudged against his wrist.
Niall hadn’t bothered to tell him it was Harry’s jacket. Maybe he
should have known though; he was swimming in it.
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“Oh right,” he said sarcastically, giving Harry a smirk of his own
and straightening up to his full height on his barstool. He swept
his eyes down Harry’s lean frame and tried to ignore the way his
heart fluttered as Harry’s blush went a shade darker under the
attention. “I’m sure you were absolutely desperate to find it.
Really would have completed that ensemble.”
Harry threw his head back and laughed in delight, and Louis
fidgeted in his seat, flushed with pleasure at his response.
“Thank you for saying so, Louis,” Harry said. He gestured toward
Louis’s painfully new jeans. “I mean, you’re clearly already an
expert on cowboy fashion.”
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What are you getting yourself into? He’d been about to ask Harry
if he wanted the jacket back, eager to see whether Harry would
be a good sport and ruin his look by ’completing the outfit‘ or if
Louis would be able to call his bluff and then get to tease him
about it for the rest of the night. But now everything seemed so
complicated and confusing again. This is your boss’s son! And
you’re flirting with him? This is flirting, isn’t it? And the
contract…
Okay, see. Get a grip. Louis rolled his eyes at himself, a small tug
of disappointment making him forget his other concerns. Even if
he is gay, that doesn’t mean he’s especially interested in you.
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-— he could be bi or, or… Louis’s thoughts were spiralling away
from him, and he turned to narrow his eyes at the side of Harry’s
head, as though staring would somehow help him discern Harry’s
precise sexuality or maintain the cool he never really had in the
first place.
Harry glanced back and forth between the two of them like he
was missing something, and Louis’s heart started to hammer. It
was one thing having a very strong hunch that Harry wasn’t
straight, but the idea of explaining what had happened, of having
everything explicitly and unequivocally out in the open, made
Louis feel dizzy with nerves.
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Does he know I’m gay? Louis wondered. He shifted inside the
oversized Carhartt jacket. His palms were clammy. He does. I
think he does.
“Well,” Harry said. He drew the word out like he was waiting for
one of them to jump in with an explanation, but Louis couldn’t
quite bring himself to give one, and Harry didn’t press for it.
“Louis, this is Liam Payne. He’s the owner and operator of this
very fine establishment, and a dear friend of mine. And Liam, this
is Louis Tomlinson, he’s visiting from Denver and he’ll be a guest
at the Lonely Rose for the foreseeable future.”
“Thank you,” Louis said softly. He felt let down that the moment
had passed and he’d just let it happen. He wanted it back. He
wanted to know for sure. “Nice to meet you.”
“Oh!” Louis said, running an awkward hand through his hair. His
movement was impeded slightly by the heavy canvas sleeves of
Harry’s jacket. “Um, yeah. Please. Snake River IPA.”
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“You can put it on mine,” Harry said. He leaned back, craning his
neck to look around Louis. “Ni, hey! What are you drinking?”
“So, Louis,” Liam said, when he’d returned with their drinks.
“What brings you to Sheridan?”
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Louis’s brow furrowed, and he turned back to get a good look at
Harry. Harry’s tone had been clipped in a way that made it clear
that the topic wasn’t open for further discussion, and he was
frowning deeply and staring down at his whiskey while slowly
turning the glass in a circle. He lifted his head, probably feeling
Louis’s gaze on him, and when their eyes met he averted his
quickly, staring blankly forward at the mirror behind the bar, his
face shuttered.
For what felt like the hundredth time since he’d arrived in
Sheridan, Louis found himself grappling with riddles he didn’t
have the right clues to solve. He just had so many questions -—
there were always more -— and he didn’t even know how to go
about organizing them all in his head. Why didn’t Harry want to
talk to Liam about the land deal? Was he under some kind of
social pressure from the community to sell? Would his refusal to
do so hurt the economy of the area, and shouldn’t Anne have
briefed Louis on that as a potential way to pressure Harry into
signing? Why didn’t those types of considerations seem more
immediately important? Why did it all feel so personal?
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“I might take you up on that,” Louis said, thinking wistfully of
the view of the mountains from Harry’s dining room window.
Nature seemed very appealing at that moment. Simple and
uncomplicated and far away from the human entanglements that
were making Louis feel so frustrated and out of his depth.
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“You know she’s just gonna jump your songs when she gets here,
Ni,” Liam said. He was grinning, too.
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“What’s the deal with the debit card, though?” Louis asked,
taking a pull of his beer. There was an ATM at the end of the bar,
so if Niall needed cash for the jukebox…
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whose mother knit him a cassock.” “It’s ridiculous because you
know the whole time he’s wearing it he’ll never put socks on.”
I really want them to like me. I want him to like me. Why is this
happening?
“You owe me a pick, Niall!” Harry called out across the bar.
“That’s my money.”
Even at a distance, Louis could see that Niall had rolled his eyes.
Harry moved his head from side to side like he was mulling it
over. “Songs will be chosen in good faith?” he asked.
Niall nodded.
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Niall paused, then a slow smile spread across his face. “Fine,” he
said, raising his eyebrows primly. “Deal.”
“Five bucks, one of the songs he picks for you is Man, I Feel Like
A Woman,” Maggie said to Harry, laughing as she leaned in to
give him a friendly kiss. Her cheeks were still pink from the chill
outside, and she smiled at both of them, squeezing Louis’s
shoulder and sighing slowly. “Well, I just had to break up a
physical fight at an eighth grade girl’s volleyball practice, so I
think it’s best if we all have some tequila.”
The next thing Louis knew it was after midnight and he was
drunk. Well and truly drunk and dancing to Like a Prayer (a
Maggie pick) with Harry Styles. Or, he was dancing next to
Harry, anyway. They were close enough that every once in a
while their shoulders brushed.
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He’d been openly staring for the past half hour, but Harry didn’t
seem to mind. He’d been staring right back, and Louis’s lingering
doubts about whether or not Harry Styles was interested in men
had been almost entirely washed away.
“Guys, just one more song, okay?” Maggie called over from the
bar, as Madonna’s voice started to fade out. Harry had banished
her and Niall from the open space in front of the jukebox after
they’d started making out during the Macarena (a Niall pick).
“Roby wants to go, he’s bringing the truck around.”
“All right,” Harry said. He thumbed his sweaty hair off his
forehead, breathing heavily as they waited for the next song.
Louis didn’t recognize it when it came through the speakers.
There was a pretty violin melody and a strong female voice,
singing about touching the earth. It definitely wasn’t typical
dance music.
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“Oh! Oh! Oh!” Niall hollered, his face lighting up. He grinned
and lifted his beer. “This one’s for you, Louis! Dixie Chicks in
honor of our esteemed notary republic!”
“Yeah,” Harry let out, his chest rising and falling visibly under
his sweat-dampened shirt.
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Six hours ago, I thought he was straight. This is my boss’s son.
My boss’s son. Billions and billions.
Harry had inched another step closer and was reaching out to
touch him, and Louis wanted it so much it hurt. But he was also
drunk, and nothing made sense, and the words came flying out
his mouth before he could stop them. “You should sign the
property transfer, Harry. Why won’t you?”
Harry went still and his face fell, hand dropping back to his side
like a rock.
Louis closed his eyes. Fuck. He’d been blessed with this sort of
timing his entire life.
“We should go,” Harry said, after a beat, his tone detached.
Fuck.
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Dixie Chicks were singing about being set free. Louis sighed, and
went to join them.
His head hurt by the time they were back at the ranch. Harry had
silently helped him into the Carhartt jacket and then guided him
up into the extended cab of Roby’s giant truck with a hand on the
small of his back, as if to show him that everything was all right.
Then he’d smiled at Louis in the living room, with tired, blurry
eyes, looking soft and rumpled in the best possible way, more
beautiful than ever.
Louis just stood behind the couch for a minute with a lump in his
throat.
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Chapter 3
But he was starting to feel a bit sick with hunger, and the stash of
junk food in Harry’s pantry -— Niall’s stash of junk food, Louis
had eventually realized -— had finally run out. Louis made a face
as he reached for the cheese, eyes getting caught on an old scar
on his wrist. A burn, from some poorly-wired electric stove in
Romania. Or Albania? Maybe Long Prairie. His whole rootless
life seemed to run together as he got out the bread and
mayonnaise, resigned to a cheese-sandwich-on-the-go existence.
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Law school, he reminded himself. Law school, career, real life.
The Lonely Rose Ranch was just an interlude, a weird limbo
presided over by an even weirder demigod.
“Hey.”
They hadn’t seen much of each other for three days -— Saturday
Louis had spent mostly in his room, nursing a hangover and
pretending to “get caught up on some work.” Really it had been
Netflix and headphones and a big bag of over-salted pretzel rods.
Sunday he’d gone into town to do some more clothes shopping,
forgetting that a lot of places would be closed. Church was a thing
here. The last time Louis’d been in one, it had been in Denver,
and it had been a nightclub.
Monday he’d had to work again, this time for real. He’d managed
to mostly avoid Harry, though, which meant that he was also
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ignoring his main assignment. Anne had called him personally on
Monday night for an update. “Not budging,” he’d said, and
couldn’t say much more. She told him to keep at it, be the physical
embodiment of the multibillion dollar deal that was dogging
Harry’s steps. Three seconds after they’d hung up, Louis had
heard the phone ring across the hall in Harry’s office. A slightly
raised voice.
Now Harry walked into the kitchen, cheeks ruddy with windburn
and his hands in the pockets of the Carhartt jacket Louis had
worn. His boots were heavy, and he looked at Louis with hooded
eyes.
Louis sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and let his gaze drop.
He had vertigo again -— Harry was so disorienting. Hot, rugged
rancher during the week, but at Liam’s Saloon he’d been… the
image came rushing back into Louis’s mind. He’d been so
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dandied up, so fucking feminine, hips swaying. And no less
himself.
Louis still couldn’t believe he’d refused to see that part of Harry
at first. He realized belatedly what a hypocrite he’d been, griping
to himself about heteronormativity when he’d been the one
assigning people roles left and right.
“So,” Louis said, taking a bite of his sandwich. He’d cut the
cheese too thick; it took an effort to chew.
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“So,” said Harry unconcernedly, rooting around in the fridge for
some orange juice and drinking it straight from the carton. Louis
tried not to stare at his throat as he drank. Harry wiped his mouth
and put it back, shutting the refrigerator door and leaning on it,
hip popped. “I was about to go check on the heifers again, and
wondered…” The edges of his lips fluttered up, and he shifted his
weight. “Jolene likes visitors. I think I said.”
Louis donned his old pair of women’s wellies again, this time
dressed in jeans and a Denver Broncos hoodie he’d given in and
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bought at Walmart on Sunday. He was comfortable, but he
wished he had some of his own clothes with him. So far he’d
either looked like a frump or an asshole in a suit. Maybe he could
ask Zayn to break into his apartment and FedEx him his black
skinny jeans and a couple of decent tops.
Both of the trucks were gone, so Harry led Louis around the barn
to the row of parked ATVs, stopping to give Bonnie a good
tummy-rub on the way. He climbed up on one, patting the empty
seat behind him.
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“No, I do not know how to ride a horse,” he replied in a clipped
tone.
“Well, I don’t have any double saddles,” Harry said, “and we’re
not doing it bareback, so…” He gave the seat two more soft pats,
smug look on his face. “Hop on.”
Riding with Harry was soothing. Louis let the vibrations wash
over him as the empty grassland zipped by, mile after mile of it,
lulling the undefined ache in his chest. Finally, he could see a
group of brown cattle on the horizon. Mostly brown -— one was
a brilliant red color, her body noticeably swollen under her
shaggy coat. They pulled up alongside the small herd, rolling to a
gentle stop in the windswept field. Harry helped Louis off the
ATV. He was wobbling a little, buzz still in his legs, and he
blushed as Harry steadied him before leading him over to the red
heifer.
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“Jolene,” Harry said, “meet Louis.”
She seemed to consider Louis with her soft brown eyes, bright
and friendly.
Harry swelled with pride. “She is,” he said. “You can pet her if
you want.”
Louis reached out his hand to the large creature, and softly
stroked the side of her face. “She’s young, isn’t she?” There was
something in her eyes that he recognized, quivering and hopeful
and almost human.
“You’re the biggest two-year-old I’ve ever seen,” Louis said, with
a smile. “And she’s pregnant with twins?”
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“Mhmm,” Harry nodded. He started humming some song with a
low, unfamiliar melody.
“My mom had twins a few years ago,” Louis said. “A boy and a
girl, with her new husband. I haven’t seen them in person yet.”
He felt a sudden pang, thinking about them, imagining them
growing up in Long Prairie in a bigger house than the one he’d
lived in with his parents when he was a boy. Carefully not
thinking about how that tiny little house, with its green paint
peeling and its front porch sagging and its warmth in the winter,
was one he could never go back to. There had been the split, the
ugly upheaval that had turned into his college send-off, and that
had been it for him and Long Prairie. He wondered if the twins
had discovered the sand dunes by the creek out behind the
elementary school. Maybe that was all developed now.
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Harry chuckled. “Well, that must have been quite the surprise.”
He knelt down to feel the place where Jolene’s calves were,
checking their position in the womb and nodding to himself with
satisfaction. Louis looked at her warm face, placid but not blank.
Curious, definitely, and there was something so accepting in her
eyes, an expression of complete trust.
A cow lowed. Harry chuckled and ducked his head, and Louis
had the silly, fleeting thought that he’d never forget how Harry’s
dimple looked at that moment, carved on his face in the natural
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light under rolling clouds. “Right,” Harry said. “Work, makes
sense. How’s that going for you?”
“’S just a funny visual,” Harry said. “Fancy lawyer man, standing
in a field, pretending to care about my cows so maybe I’ll sign his
paper…”
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Harry stood and watched them, hip cocked, grinning with
amusement.
Harry let out a loud bark of a laugh at that and went to check on
the other cows, speaking to them fondly. Louis stayed with
Jolene. He smiled as he heard snatches of Harry’s one-sided
conversations. “You look lovely today, Germaine. Yes, Barbara
Walters, I see you over there. Hello, Beyoncé.”
141
We make a little history, baby
His voice was lovely, low and a bit rough, but not unyouthful.
Exactly like a cowboy’s voice should sound. Louis laughed when
all the heifers started to low along with the song. Harry stopped
singing, letting out a little huff of indignation as he yelled, “That
was supposed to be plaintive and romantic!”
Louis laughed as Harry tried to press his way out of the excited
cows. He extended his hand without thinking; Harry took it and
threaded their fingers as Louis drew him away, both pretending
that they were in extreme peril. One of the cows let out a
disappointed-sounding moo, and sent them into fits of laughter.
They ran, stumbling, and collapsed dramatically on the other side
of a tussock with their fingers still loosely intertwined.
“Shit,” Louis gasped. “That was close.” God, they’d run what -—
fifteen yards? He was out of shape. Apparently his once-a-month
lifting sessions at the gym weren’t keeping him in top condition.
He was breathing hard, starting up a sweat under his hoodie even
142
as his extremities were feeling a bit wind-chapped in the chilly
spring air.
“Shut up.” Louis took his hand away and used it to shove Harry’s
shoulder. Finally they settled with Louis on his back, staring up
at the huge expanse of pale blue sky, and Harry on his side, staring
down at Louis. Clouds were on the move above them, distant and
pristine. “Why do you have a ranch, anyway?”
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“The ranch house is nice, though,” Harry said. “I like it here. I’m
not after wealth; I told you that too. I was serious.”
“Ah,” Harry said, finally flopping onto his back, head almost-but-
not-quite nestled into Louis’s shoulder. “You noticed.”
“Yeah. And I’m nosy and curious, so…” Louis raised his
eyebrows meaningfully at Harry.
Harry sighed, and stretched an arm out over his head, working his
wrist idly. “All right,” he said. “But it’s not much of a story. We
moved around a lot when I was a kid and my mom was building
her business, but I spent every summer here with my
grandparents. Roy -— my grandpa -— he was my dad’s dad. My
grandmother’s name was Rose. My dad died young, so I think,”
he breathed deeply, suppressing a slight shudder of emotion in his
voice, “I think Rose and Roy were sort of extra invested in me,
like, as a person. And I loved it, loved the summers. It always felt
144
more real out here.” He turned to Louis, eyes flickering over his
chest before they landed on his face. “Not that the city isn’t real
life, too. I just mean -— I felt more real, here. More like myself.
And I had Niall and Mags.”
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Louis chuckled, feeling Harry’s delight at telling the story he
must have heard a thousand times growing up. “That line worked
for him, then.”
“They just knew, I guess.” Harry went on, tone casual and
conversational. “So anyway, Grandpa bought the ranch and
named it the Lonely Rose. I managed to convince Mom to let me
live here full-time during high school, and that’s when I learned
how to run the whole operation.”
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“Oooh,” Louis said, nudging Harry playfully in the ribs. “There
was a guy, huh?”
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Harry just shrugged, running a hand through the grass in front of
him and picking a bit at a fingernail as he made a face. “It’s fine,”
he said. “He wasn’t right for me anyway, you know?”
“So,” Harry said, biting prettily on his bottom lip. Louis’s breath
stopped when he saw the blood rush in under the soft pink skin.
“We’re both gay…” He parted the grass with his hands, almost as
though he were about to braid it.
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touch Harry, if he wanted to. Harry would probably let him -—
would definitely let him… His breath came in short, thin little sips
of air and he didn’t know what to do. Something was restraining
him.
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Louis’s breath caught in his throat, chest constricting. “With the
deed in my briefcase.”
Louis licked his lips. “So that’s a no-go,” he said. His body was
tight with wanting, muscles twitching to roll over and take
Harry’s face between his hands. But he kept perfectly still.
I’m just voicing what we’re both thinking, he told himself. It’ll be
less messy in the long run, not getting involved. He dug his
fingernails into the dirt at his hip, feeling the earth, not giving in
to the twisting, churning sensation in this gut.
Louis sat up, feeling oddly hungover. His head was fuzzy; there
were bits of nature stuck to his jeans and he focused on picking it
off, feeling his natural fussiness returning. He regretted getting
his hands dirty. Harry started to walk over to the ATV, but Louis
stalked back through the grass to Jolene. He hugged her flank,
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resting his head on her back and feeling it rise and fall with her
breath.
Louis snorted and gave Jolene a final, fond pat. The tension was
cut, although the ache of the lost moment still lingered, and they
were back to joking. He supposed they could enjoy flirting, at
least. He nudged Harry with his elbow as he walked away. “You
are truly an awful person, Styles.”
Nothing would.
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Wednesday night, the house was completely deserted when Louis
wandered out for dinner. He flicked on some lights and waited
around for anybody else to show up before he gave in to hunger
and made himself a bean burrito in the microwave.
Louis waited up, telling himself that wasn’t what he was doing.
Even as the local news came on, and then the late-night talk
shows, he tried to pretend he wasn’t listening for the crunch of
tires on the gravel drive, that he wasn’t longing to hear the
satisfying chunk of a truck door slamming outside.
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He went to bed a little after midnight with an uneasy heart,
wishing he knew where Harry had gone even though it wasn’t
really any of his business.
It was just.
By the time supper rolled around the next day, Louis still hadn’t
seen another soul at the ranch house, not even Mrs. Burden, and
he didn’t feel quite comfortable enough yet to try wandering out
to the barn or the paddock to look for someone to talk to. His
unease had developed into a full-blown case of loneliness. He felt
anxious and antsy, and a little sad even. In a slightly ridiculous
and mopey way, as though he were about to find out that everyone
else had been hanging out without him.
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hug, hanging off her neck a little bit. “I do; I’m sorry. I need more
than just you…”
It was with that in mind that he made the decision to take the
rental car into Sheridan and stop at Liam’s Saloon. Maybe he
could talk to Liam about going on a hike or two.
He was shrugging his shoulders into his coat, keys in hand, when
he practically ran into Niall on the front porch.
“Yeah?”
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“Yeah, Harry didn’t tell you?” Niall said, surprised. “Big ranch
expo down there, this time every year.” He gestured to the back
of the house, toward the cattle corral and the outbuildings. “We
had a chute damaged in a storm a little while back. Harry’s always
hellbent on getting the best price.” Niall’s face clouded over then,
his brows knitting together. He shook his head slightly, letting out
a long sigh before continuing quietly. “Not that we don’t need
that right now, since we have to update the whole fucking barn…”
Louis shifted awkwardly, his eyes darting around and his own
brow furrowed. Niall seemed momentarily far away, distracted
by his worry, and Louis wondered if he realized who he’d just
said that out loud to. They have to update the barn? Like rebuild
the whole thing? It did not seem like the type of information that
Harry would voluntarily share with him, and Louis wished he
weren’t having so many thoughts about how the knowledge might
affect the land deal. Then he felt foolish for thinking that way. It
shouldn’t feel like a fucking betrayal; you’re here to do a god
damn job.
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About twenty minutes later, Louis was pulling the rental up in
front of Maggie and Niall’s. He was surprised to find that they
lived right in the middle of Sheridan, on a tree-lined street with
curbs and sidewalks and close neighbors. He’d pictured them in
an old white farmhouse, not far from Harry’s. But this was nice.
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arms. “You smell like cowshit, dear. Dinner is ready. Please
shower so we can eat it.”
“Please.”
A few minutes later, after brief stops in the living room and dining
room, they were in Maggie’s little office. One of its walls was
almost entirely covered in framed photographs, and Louis was
staring at them in open fascination.
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be subtle about it, but he thought there was a knowing glint in
Maggie’s eye.
Louis nodded. He’d thought it must have been at least ten years
ago. They were young in the picture; their faces didn’t quite look
finished. Harry’s body was far less substantial. Slight, like he was
still a boy.
“They cried that night,” Maggie said fondly, breaking into a grin.
She pointed at Harry, chuckling, and Louis leaned in. “Harry’s
right about to, in this. You can always see it in his nose.”
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“Did you cry?” he asked. He hadn’t cried when he left for college
until he was alone in his dorm room for the first time, waiting for
his roommate to finally show up. Then he’d felt unmoored.
“Yeah, well, you would now!” Niall announced from where he’d
appeared in the doorway. He beamed at Louis. “She’s gone soft
in her old age; I caught her crying over a Calvin and Hobbes
Anthology the other day.”
Maggie made a sound of protest and crossed her arms over her
chest, giving him a look. “The series of panels about the dying
raccoon is very emotional, you butthead!”
“Oh, thank you,” she said, walking over to him and kissing him
on the cheek. She smiled down at the blue mesh shorts he’d put
on after his shower. “What’s this? My favorite shorts for dinner?
Are you trying to distract me?”
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Niall cackled, spinning around and heading into the hall. “Listen
to this woman, Louis!” he called back to them as he walked to the
dining room. “Just listen! Do you hear what I have to deal with?
All she does is objectify me!”
“Both of us,” Maggie said with a small, quirking smile, the same
knowing look from before.
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“It’s still illegal here?” Louis asked. “For -—”
Louis shrugged and smoothed his cloth napkin across his thighs
before picking up his fork. “If I found the right person.”
Louis didn’t worry about it all that much, usually. He was truly
fine on his own for the most part. Even after several summers of
his friends’ constant engagement announcements and weddings,
and now, all the babies, he hadn’t felt pressure to follow suit. He’d
never gone into a panic about being left behind. It wasn’t that he
didn’t want it, but he definitely wasn’t going to force it. He didn’t
want to settle.
There was something about Maggie and Niall, though. Their easy
banter, and the charming way they were showing off for Louis
just a little. It made a touch of jealousy creep in. Louis suddenly
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wanted someone of his own whose beautiful calves he could
refuse to ignore.
“Does Harry want kids?” was what ended up coming out of his
mouth next, and he almost face-palmed in mortification in the
aftermath. He started bolting his spaghetti, ignoring the blatantly
delighted eye contact that Maggie and Niall were making.
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“Absolutely he does!” Niall said happily. He looked at Louis and
raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Just has to find the right
person…”
It wasn’t until Louis was in his rental car on the way back out to
the ranch that it occurred to him he’d been doing the completely
wrong sort of reconnaissance during the dinner. They’d talked
about Harry all night, and it hadn’t even crossed his mind to ask
about the oil and the property and his motivation for refusing to
sign. He hadn’t even considered gently pressing for more
information about the barn. Louis had a split second moment of
doubt in which he wondered whether the Horans were befriending
him to neutralize him, to make him feel guilty about doing that
exact sort of thing, and then immediately felt horrible about it.
What on earth are you doing? he asked himself after he’d parked
the tiny rental, resting his forehead against the steering wheel, his
thoughts and feelings disorganized and swirling. He sat there for
several minutes before he was able to shake it off and get out of
the car. He went back inside Harry Styles’s house, reminding
himself repeatedly that it was not his home.
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The temperature shot up into the high seventies the following
week, a little late April heat wave, so Louis set up a workstation
on one of the chaise lounges in Harry’s side yard to take
advantage while he could. There was a bit of a glare on his laptop
screen, but the wifi miraculously reached and there was an
external electrical outlet available so his battery wouldn’t die.
Harry’s cute set of lawn furniture even had a tiny table for him to
set his refreshments on. It was ideal, really.
And Louis needed to be productive, what with the way he’d been
letting things slide since he’d gotten to Wyoming. Just that
morning Nick had emailed him rather smugly, asking if he could
use some help reviewing the testimony in the latest Hopkins-
Harrington depositions. Louis had declined -— the Hopkins-
Harrington case was his baby, and Grimshaw needed to back off.
But his palms had gone sweaty and his chest had tightened at the
suggestion, like it used to in college whenever he realized his
internal procrastination meter had failed him on the amount of
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time he needed to complete an assignment, and he’d started too
late to avoid an all-nighter.
Louis had worked steadily all morning and through lunch, so his
anxiety was starting to ebb slightly, but he was having trouble
staying on task now that he could hear Harry and Niall and a
bunch of the other wranglers around the back of the house.
Apparently having the time of their lives.
The staff was usually spread out all over the ranch this time of
day, not clumped together in one place. Unless they were moving
cows… Louis couldn’t hear any audible moos coming from that
part of the property, though. All he could make out was Niall’s
indecipherable, but clearly triumphant, crowing.
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I’ll just investigate quickly. Maybe ask them to keep it down.
The way his wellies bounced off each other as he hurried around
the house toward the corral turned his normally efficient stride
into something much closer to a waddle, and he had to tamp down
the feeling that he was an exasperated mother on her way to scold
her kids.
Louis looked through the fence at the other men. Harry, Roby and
Hank were off to Niall’s right, their faces flushed and eyes
slightly wet, like they’d been laughing for quite some time.
Something about the tense stillness of their ribcages and the
frozen smiles on their faces made Louis think they were just
barely holding more of it in.
He was right.
All it took to set them off again was Niall clearing his throat and
repositioning his body so that his feet were planted wide and his
right arm was raised, holding the lasso over his head. He clutched
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the coil of rope down by his left hip, his arm tensed in a way that
made it look like he was about to quick-draw a gun.
Harry clapped his hands loudly and threw his head back to let out
another sharp bark of laughter, and Louis had to avert his eyes
from the beautiful column of his neck.
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“What’s cormbass?” Louis asked, announcing his presence and
coming around through the gate.
168
“Huppa?”
Niall scoffed, “If he’s out-roping anybody, it’ll be you, that’s for
sure!”
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“Is it difficult?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“Just a simple throw?” Niall enlarged the loop of the lasso and
whipped it around his head several times, tossing it out into the
holding pen and around the horns of the dummy bull that was
sitting on the ground. “Nah, it’s not too hard. Takes a little
practice, though; you gotta learn to let the rope work for you.”
“That’s one of the keys, really,” Harry said, placing the coil in
Louis’s hands. “You’re not really throwing a lasso, as we tend to
say, but releasing it. Like, letting its weight and momentum work
for you. It’s that, and your hand during the swing.”
Niall moved off to the side, standing up against the fence with
Hank and Roby. They were all nodding in sage agreement.
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“You’re right-handed?”
Louis nodded.
“’Kay, put your left hand here,” Harry said, leaning in and
positioning Louis’s non-throwing hand on the coils. He took
Louis’s right hand and moved it into place below the lasso’s knot.
“So you want to have your throwing hand a bit back from the
honda, ’bout an arm’s length,” Harry extended Louis’s left arm to
measure the correct distance, “and you hold the rope and the lasso
loop.” He chuckled. “Lots of people think you just swing the loop
around over your head, but you’ve got to have a hand on it.”
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“… like tossin’ a pizza, I always say,” Niall was supplying, from
the fence.
Harry snorted. “All right, thank you for your culinary input,
Horan.” He frowned down at where Louis was holding the lasso,
chewing on the inside of his lip. “You know what, why don’t we
set the rope down for now…”
Harry shot them a grumpy look and then turned back to Louis,
taking the rope so he could set it on the ground. Louis couldn’t
have cared less what the wranglers thought, because next Harry
was placing a gentle hand on Louis’s right wrist and applying
light, lovely pressure. The tips of Harry’s long fingers were cold
against Louis’s skin, and his breath caught slightly at the touch,
stuttering more as Harry lifted his arm into the air above his head.
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“So…” Harry said, biting his lip like he didn’t know if he should
really continue.
Louis nodded to indicate that he should, hoping that the rise and
fall of his chest wasn’t too noticeable. Just breathe. Breathe.
“You should think of the back of your hand like it’s the face of
your lasso loop,” Harry explained with a small smile, guiding
Louis’s arm in a circuit over the top of his head and sending jolts
of electricity down his spine. “So when your hand turns over, so
should the loop. And you want to turn it over, sort of rotate it just
like this, right as it’s in front of you, when you start the swing…”
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Harry bent down and picked up the rope. “Not too big of a gap
between your grip and the honda,” he reiterated as he repositioned
it in Louis’s hands.
“So the honda’s the knot?” Louis asked, finally finding his voice.
He adjusted the rope in his hands, trying to get a feel for it.
“At the bull?” Louis asked, raising his chin at the dummy.
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“Might as well try,” Harry smiled. “Just let it go right out in front,
after your wrist turns over.”
Louis whirled the lasso around his head. Once, twice, three times
and then he let it fly. The loop landed surprisingly close to his
target, thwapping into the dirt with a dull splat, like limp spaghetti
against a linoleum floor.
They both gave a happy cry and looked at each other in delight,
before turning toward the peanut gallery for approval.
Louis coughed into his fist. The achy anticipation from earlier
zipped through his veins again.
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“Try again?” Harry said, almost shyly. He prised the rope out of
Louis’s hands and coiled it up in the same efficient manner he had
before, quickly returning it to him. “That was much better than I
expected.”
Louis scoffed and rolled his eyes, swinging the lasso four times
and then releasing it. It hit the ground even closer to the bull this
time and he pointedly raised his eyebrows at Harry. After three
more tosses, the third of which hooked one of the bull’s horns,
Louis was feeling quite smug.
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Harry cocked his head to the side, his dimple deep. “Maybe we’re
just good together, hmm? Did you ever think of that?” He shook
his head in feigned disappointment. “Couple of semi-successful
rope tosses and it’s already gone to your head, Tomlinson.
Forgetting all about the little people. I’m wounded. We could
have been the dream team.”
Harry crossed his arms over his chest and popped a hip, about to
respond, when Mrs. Burden appeared at the other side of the
paddock, clutching the end of a rope and looking incredibly
harried.
“Harry Styles, I need you to take this beast off my hands right
now!” she hollered, yanking Bonnie into view and struggling to
open the gate in front of her. “She’s following me around the
garden, demanding attention and I can’t get anything done.”
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Come here to me, girl. Mrs. B has some zinnias she wants to
plant.”
Louis laughed and moved in to pet the donkey himself. She made
a sound of pleasure, something between a whicker and a dog bark
-— remarkably like the honk of a goose. Harry’s eyes were full
of twinkling fondness when their eyes met above Bonnie’s head,
and it dawned on Louis that he didn’t think he’d seen Harry quite
so relaxed since he’d gotten back from Cheyenne. He’d been a
little moody and distracted, heading off to bed early every night
with a frown, and Louis felt a little pang inside at the realization
that he’d missed this version of his host.
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Harry laughed, “Oh your vast experience, huh? What, last week
when I was engulfed by the heifers?”
Harry looked mildly skeptical, but also highly amused. “Oh, I see.
So you’ve been hiding your vast storehouse of cattle knowledge
this whole time? Letting us think we’re educating you on a topic
you’re already familiar with?”
There was a brief pause while they both stood stroking Bonnie’s
ears.
“Hmm?”
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Louis smiled. There was the tiniest hint of jealousy in Harry’s
tone, like he didn’t want Louis to have had any positive cow
experiences on any other farming establishments, and Louis tried
not to find it too endearing. He tried not to let another thing worm
its way to his heart.
Louis shook his head again, snorting and rolling his eyes.
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a hand around, like it was too complicated to go into. “Whatever.
Long story short, suddenly I’m in what I thought was an empty
pasture, trapped in a Dodge Grand Caravan in the middle of a
giant swarm of cows.”
“How did you get out?” Harry asked, laughing softly and scuffing
his boot in the dirt.
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“Well, my Romanian friend who I was taking samples with was
still out in the field when it happened. He was doing his best to
distract the cows and rescue me. Like running and waving and
doing moos,” Louis said, pausing to show Harry what he meant.
“And then, at what seemed like the bleakest point, they suddenly
moved off again. Quicker than they’d come. Back up over the rise
in the field. I don’t know if he was some kind of magical cow
whisperer or something…” he paused and shrugged, smiling at
Harry. “Probably they just decided on their own. I’ve heard that’s
the best way for ’em anyway. You know, for their fragile cow
psyches.”
“How did you pick?” Harry asked after a minute, playing with the
fraying end of Bonnie’s rope. “The Peace Corps, I mean…
Romania and stuff…”
Louis sighed. He’d never really had a good answer for that,
beyond his go-to joke about how speaking neither Spanish nor
French had limited the options for where he’d be stationed, which
was how he ended up in the Balkans, where of course he didn’t
speak any of the languages at all.
He opened his mouth to say it, but stopped himself. Harry was
looking at him with hesitant but hopeful interest on his face, and
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for some reason it felt cheap to evade his question. Louis knew
that wasn’t really what Harry was looking for.
Louis was rambling a bit, but Harry was still listening intently,
his expression free of judgment. “I don’t know, I just…” He let
out another high-pitched chuckle and exhaled slowly. “I picked it
so I didn’t have to pick something else. Something more
permanent.”
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“But now law school?” Harry asked.
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You are absurd.
“You want to try again?” Harry smiled, letting Louis change the
subject and nodding back toward the dummy. He paused. “Oh,
but wait -— are you still willing to accept my guidance, now that
you’re such a rodeo star?”
“Excellent!” Harry trotted over toward the fence, where he’d left
his beautiful brown Stetson on one of the posts. His eyes were
twinkling when he returned.
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ridiculous lady wellingtons, the basketball shorts he’d bought at
Walmart, his ratty old white Hanes tee -— and lingered happily
on Louis’s face.
Christ. It was more than that. He could see it now in Harry’s eyes.
And Louis wanted it too. He’d never felt so -— so special, really.
So courted, in a way. He felt bright, inside and out, under Harry’s
gaze.
Harry giggled, biting his lip. He fitted the hat on Louis’s head,
adjusting it until he felt satisfied with the angle. “Howdy partner,”
he whispered when he was done, just like Louis knew he would.
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Louis let a wet laugh punch out of his lungs, staring at Harry for
several more deliciously excruciating beats before he forced
himself to turn his body away and retrieve the lasso rope from the
ground.
He clenched his hand into a fist around the rope and then opened
it again. Why was this happening to him now, in this place that
he wasn’t even supposed to be? How was he even supposed to do
his job, when Harry made him feel this way? Something hot and
angry surged up into his stomach, making him feel almost ill.
Harry walked over to him, long and lean and sturdy as always.
Perfectly, infuriatingly attractive. He looked down at where the
rope lay in Louis’s open hand and ran a finger alongside it, across
the top of Louis’s palm.
Holy fuck.
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“Soft hands,” he whispered, slowly stroking Louis’s hand once
more, and Louis’s desire intensified so sharply he almost choked
on a gasp. “Should really get you some gloves, if you’re gonna be
a proper cowboy…”
“I have -—” Louis said abruptly, dropping the rope and beginning
to back away. “I have to, um… I just remembered. I left my
computer. My work. Outside. I have to bring it inside. Just -—
just in case.”
He stumbled his way over to the far end of the paddock, leaving
Harry standing, stunned, a few feet from the dummy bull. Bonnie
was trotting about in the background.
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Louis was still on edge when the sun started sinking, jittery as he
paced through the guest room, trying to call Zayn. Still in a slight
state of shock from Harry touching his hands… caressing them.
He was feeling so off-center, too, thrown by the vague worries
that had been unearthed in his chest by the talk with Harry about
law school. He’d gotten no work done, of course. He needed to
work, needed to stop thinking about Harry and the ranch in
unrealistically idealized ways. His clothes were spilling out of his
open suitcase, papers strewn about and I really should clean up,
he told himself. It’s not like I live here. It’s not like this room is
mine. He huffed in annoyance as he heard the three soft beeps that
meant he wasn’t getting service again.
Louis stuck his head out the door and checked the hallway -— it
was empty; he could hear overlapping conversation and the sound
of forks and knives clinking on Mrs. Burden’s floral china. Niall’s
cackle of a laugh punctuated something Hank had said.
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easy smile. “Peach fluff pie for dessert, you in?” But Louis had
declined. Too much work.
There was also the sex thing. Louis hadn’t jerked off in two
weeks, plagued with inappropriate thoughts of Harry’s bare torso
and long legs. It was like a long, slow tease that was going
nowhere, nowhere. Accidental glimpses of Harry coming out of
the shower, incessant morning erections and the vague ache in his
balls all day long -— Louis had taken to wearing sweatpants to
bed just in case, to protect Mrs. Burden’s sheets. The worst part
was knowing he could, if he wanted to. He was getting
everywhere with Harry but nowhere with the deed, and he could
practically feel Anne breathing down his neck.
He slipped across the hall into Harry’s darkened office, not sure
whether or not he was trespassing.
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Zayn told me to check in, he reasoned. It’s for work.
I do not want to learn to lasso. That’s not me, anyway. He felt his
heart sink at the lies he was telling himself, feeling precariously
safe as long as he could still paint a thin veneer of denial over his
actual emotions. I don’t want to have gloves and be a “proper
cowboy.” I want a fucking mocha latte and I want my clothes not
to feel cheap.
Louis left the light off, still slightly guilty he was using the office
without Harry’s permission and not wanting to draw anyone’s
attention. He picked up the receiver and listened for the dial tone
before punching in Zayn’s cell number. “Fucking pick up,” Louis
muttered. He had three projects that were overdue, and he needed
to talk to Zayn about them. He barely got internet out here; he
needed to be back in the office.
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“Malik,” Zayn said, voice oddly echo-y in the receiver.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Louis answered, tone clipped. “Before you say
anything about the last Hopkins-Harrington deposition -—”
“Yes he did.” Zayn voice had its I’m your boss timbre, which was
reserved solely for when he wasn’t happy with Louis’s job
performance. Louis felt oddly glad to be hearing it. He knew he
should have probably been feeling a bit more homesick for
Denver, but he really did miss Zayn.
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“Zayn,” Louis groaned, “can you please be my knight in shining
armor for once and purchase me a plane ticket.”
“It’s not like I enjoy missing work and falling behind,” Louis said.
“But I don’t have the same resources… fuck, I need to be back in
the office. Please. Get Anne to send someone else.”
“Louis,” Zayn said, “It’s not a problem that I’m giving Nick a bit
of your work. Anne wants you in Wyoming. You know how
important this deal is to TwistCorp. You’re being paid overtime
wages for every hour you spend there, so I’m not sure why you’re
so eager to -—”
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He rolled his eyes as he heard Zayn’s raucous laughter on the
other end of the phone. Typical. Typical, unhelpful.
“I’ll let you finish your call,” Harry said. He shut the door.
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The hurt in his voice lingered in the dark office, mingling with
the pipe tobacco as Louis cursed himself.
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Chapter 4
Just fuck.
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Also… “Ungghh,” Louis groaned, his whirling brain stopping for
a second to try to process the rough, tickling wetness that was
now making its way up his ankle. It was warm and a bit
sandpaper-y. Almost like a…
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“Ew,” Louis moaned, wiggling his toes as he drew back the quilt
and gazed at the shiny layer of half-dried saliva on his feet. “I
thought you said she wasn’t allowed in the house.” He made
another noise of disgust in the back of his throat. His voice was
thin, and unnecessarily snappish.
Louis sighed and put a finger to his eye, wiping at the sleep.
“What about him?”
“Oh, just…” Niall gazed down at Louis. “He went out early by
himself, all crabby and distracted. D’you know anything?”
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“Mmm,” Niall said, casually. He cocked his eyebrow and nodded
to the door. “Well. I’m sure you’ve got work to do. I’ll be around
the barns if anything comes up.”
Suddenly all the fantasies of friendship and home he’d spun over
the past few days tasted sour in his mouth, all the idle thoughts
about Harry and the ranch and fitting into their group, being one
of the regulars. Let Harry and Maggie and Niall have their little
trio. Let them tease each other with their inane inside jokes. Louis
would get himself out of this somehow, go back to Wyoming and
-—
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He nodded, as though he’d actually come to some kind of
decision. As though he actually had any power in the situation to
begin with. In the back of his mind, the part that wasn’t caught up
in his ridiculous, self-indulgent snit, he knew that if he flew
himself back to Denver and showed up for work on Monday he’d
be instantly dismissed. Nick fucking Grimshaw would probably
be flown out here to take his place, and -—
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The thought made Louis laugh bleakly as he gathered up the
bundle of sheets and the quilt and nudged open the guest room
door with his ankle, padding down the quiet hallway toward the
laundry room. Because, honestly, what a fucking hypocrite he
was. He had hurt Harry. He had made his face crumple with
disappointment. Not Nick. Louis had run his stupid mouth and
said things he didn’t even mean -— things that were in some ways
the opposite of what he really felt -— and he was completely and
utterly ashamed of himself.
Louis dumped the laundry into Mrs. Burden’s big wicker hamper
and spun on his heel, back to his bedroom to find his phone.
Harry. He’d figure out how to fix it, but he wasn’t ready to talk
about the big issues that were starting to surface in his mind,
throwing him off balance -— didn’t know how to, honestly.
First he needed some time to cool off. He needed to get out of the
ranch house and into some sufficiently distracting nature,
probably. He also needed to be with someone, to have someone’s
attention. Someone neutral, not too perceptive, who wasn’t too
close to Harry.
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A couple hours later, Louis was well and truly surrounded by
nature, lost in the wild beauty of the Bighorns. The rarified
mountain air and bright sound of chirping birds was working to
clear his head a bit, Liam an oddly comforting presence at his
side. They were both sweating in sleeveless shirts, listening to the
trickle of still-melting spring snow as Liam guided them up a dirt
path. They’d parked his Chevy Silverado on Black Tooth
Mountain near the edge of Harry’s land, by the stream that ran
past the old, tumble-down cabin Louis had seen. Louis could still
follow it with his eyes, the dark ribbon snaking out over the
plains, serving as the property line between The Lonely Rose and
the Llewellyns’ holdings. He gazed at it for a few beats, not
bothering to follow the particulars of his conversation with Liam,
who was chatting away about his favorite hiking trails. They all
had odd, Western names like “Old Folly” and “Frying Pan Lake.”
Louis let the calming words wash over him as he gazed at clumps
of blooming wildflower and bald outcrops surrounded by bright
green grass.
Change course.
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Louis was jarred back into the conversation, feeling guilt poke at
him even as he tried to ignore the source of it. It wasn’t Harry’s
fault he was suddenly terrified, second-guessing his decision to
throw himself headfirst into law school. “What?” he blinked.
“Like, don’t get stuck in a rut,” Liam said. “You know, forge your
own trail? It’s sort of why I decided to go for my own business,
open Liam’s Saloon. It’s an adventure!” He flashed Louis a big
grin.
Louis picked up the thread easily. “And you meet new people,”
he said, gesturing at himself.
“Well, the Bighorns didn’t really have a gold rush like California,
or a silver boom the Rockies. But legend has it that Father
DeSmet -— he was a sort of famous missionary out here, back in
the 1800s; there’s a big lake south of Sheridan named after him -
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— claimed to anyone who’d listen that the Bighorns hid the
richest gold deposits in the world. And that he’d personally built
a cabin for himself on top of a deep vein of gold, claiming it for
the Catholic church even though he couldn’t mine it himself.
After he died, the location of the cabin was lost.”
Louis hummed with real interest for the first time, perking up at
the idea of a hidden fortune. “Is there a treasure map?” he asked.
“Like in the Goonies?”
Liam laughed. “No, but I did go exploring for it when I was a kid.
There are a ton of old abandoned cabins out here. Everyone who
grows up near the Bighorns hears that story and at some point
thinks they’ve done it, they’ve found the Lost Cabin gold.” He
chuckled. “My sister actually used to buy chunks of pyrite -—
that’s fool’s gold -— from the mineral shop in Sheridan for 30
cents apiece and leave them in deserted cabins for the little kids
to get excited about.”
Louis smiled. “I bet the kids are really cute about it.”
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reservoir ever discovered in Wyoming. Louis wrinkled his nose.
Oil was so gross. So noxious, and so were all the lawyers and
execs and money-men that came with it. Gold’s much more
romantic.
Just then, they rounded a corner and Louis caught his breath.
Liam had led him into a dell, down to the shore of a tiny mountain
lake. The grass around the trail was dotted with sweet, white
columbine. The sun was shining. The water of the lake was cold
and clear, the clearest water Louis had ever seen in his life.
“Doesn’t have one,” Liam said. “It’s too small, doesn’t even make
it onto most of the maps. But I call it Thinking Lake.”
Liam flashed him a bright smile and two finger guns. “Bingo.”
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Louis snorted and shouldered his way chummily past Liam,
bending down at the rocky verge of the lake. He cupped a hand
and dipped it in, splashing some water on his face and down his
overheated chest. It was ice cold, freezing him down to his bones
and sending a chill right through him. “Phew!” he gasped,
shivering, as Liam laughed at him.
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Louis just crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows, nodding
toward the lake. He was pretty sure Liam was the type who
needed everyone to like him. Which meant he was the type Louis
could get to do stuff. (Which was, in the end, a perfect
distraction.)
“I’m not going to,” Liam said, as he started to unlace one of his
boots.
“No, I’m not.” Now both his socks were off, and he was pulling
up the bottom hem of his tank top.
Liam scowled. “Fine, I’ll do it. But no peeking. I don’t swing your
way.”
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unintentional homophobia. The man was trying. But he turned
around anyway as soon as Liam’s belt came off -— Liam didn’t
see him, eyes nervously raking over the water as though he were
looking for the warmest possible spot.
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Louis cackled as he heard Liam tiptoe up to the edge of the lake.
“Okay,” he said, baritone voice squeaking just a bit with nerves.
“I’m gonna…”
“FUCK. ME!” Liam bellowed, his shouts echoing off the walls
of the little gorge. He scrambled out of the lake again and caught
Louis’s dry t-shirt as Louis tossed it over his shoulder to him.
“Fucking shit cock asshole motherfucker that’s COLD.”
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“Official friends!” he chirped. “Come on, let’s get moving. Got
to get back to the ranch before Niall starts to wonder if I’ve been
kidnapped.”
It was almost two o’clock by the time they reached the trailhead
and Liam’s parked truck, and Louis’s stomach was growling. He
invited Liam back to the Lonely Rose to forage for sandwiches
and leftover pot roast. Birds were singing over the sounds of Liam
throwing his hiking pack in the truck bed, insects droning
rhythmically in a way that made Louis suddenly drowsy. He
swung himself up into the cab and sighed with pleasure as he
leaned back into the worn vinyl seat, closing his eyes and
enjoying the warmth of the sun on his bare skin. A pleasant heat
had built up in the cab while they were away.
210
They parked in the wide drive and marched on in, still shirtless
and sweaty. Harry was sitting in the easy chair, feet up, watching
TV with a beer in his hand and a stormy expression on his face.
Louis’s mouth dropped open for a moment in surprise, his heart
stuttering -— Harry usually worked out in the fields or the barns
right through til supper. He was never doing nothing, even when
he did hang around the house. There was always a leaky faucet to
see to, or a screen door to fix… Louis was suddenly aware of his
damp, unstyled hair, and tried to fix the way his fringe fell across
his forehead as Harry glanced up at them over his shoulder.
“Hey,” Louis responded. His voice was soft. “Why aren’t you
outside? Doing ranch stuff?”
“Oh.”
Harry shifted around, not bothering to disguise the way his eyes
raked up and down Louis’s torso before glancing over to Liam.
“What were you guys up to?”
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“Hike,” Liam explained.
Louis swung his arm over Liam’s bare shoulder and leaned into
his impressively-muscled side, finger darting out to flick him in
the nipple. “We’re official friends now.”
Louis knelt down by Harry’s chair and poked his cheek. “Hey
there.”
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“Hello,” Harry smiled. There was a slight bitterness behind it, a
fierce obstinacy. As if he were saying, Yup, this is my ranch and
my old armchair and my life, take it or leave it.
“Except for the various animal menaces who keep trying to make
out with my feet.”
That finally made Harry crack, the hint of his dimple indicating a
real smile. “Bonnie has only the finest taste in feet,” he said.
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He stood up, stretching and turning. He was aware that Harry’s
eyes were on him again, roving over his body as he arched his
back in a way that he knew would show off the curve of his bum.
He wasn’t sorry. “Well, anyway,” he said, “I’m pretty filthy.
Better hit the shower.”
Harry made an odd noise in the back of his throat. “Okay.” His
face was pink, Louis noted with pleasure. “You, um… you do
that.” He started scrubbing his palms nervously up and down his
denim-clad thighs, looking away again.
214
He switched back and forth between the Rockies game and a
showing of Die Hard, settling on the latter when Liam reemerged.
“New rule,” Louis told him as he sat down. “Now we both have
to speak in Hahns Gruber accents for the rest of the day. Ho ho
ho.”
“Louis -—”
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They settled in to watch, Louis letting himself ignore the looming
reality of his situation now that he couldn’t distract himself with
busywork. He was starting to disassociate Harry Harry -— his
Harry, the one who serenaded pregnant heifers and danced around
the living room in a shorty robe on Sunday afternoons -— from
the Harry he had to try to keep pressuring to sign away land he
didn’t want to sell. It wasn’t something Louis wanted to think
about yet. He hadn’t had a serious conversation about the deed
with Harry for almost a week, he realized suddenly; it had even
started to drift into joke territory. Louis would knock on Harry’s
open office door in the evenings, cock his hip and tease him about
whether he was in a “cooperative mood.”
“No,” Harry’d huff, firmly but with a soft smile, like he’d been
waiting for Louis to ask. “Move along, Mr. Tomlinson.” He’d
wave his hand. Louis would come into the office and plop himself
down in a chair, and they’d have a chat about something else.
Now that Louis was less focused on Harry being upset with him,
he was starkly reminded of the facts.
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contract would only make them both unhappy -— his heart wasn’t
in it, and that made him a bad employee.
Once again, Louis was hit with the overwhelming feeling that
he’d been childish. Just skipping along in the moment, enjoying
Harry’s company. Not strategizing. Making fucking friends
instead. He could rationalize it by telling himself he was going
for the “soft touch,” but that was a lie.
“Die Hard 2’s coming on,” said Liam, as Harry gingerly settled
himself down, pulling a pillow across his tummy with a satisfied
sigh.
Louis wiggled his bare toes. The house, with its open floorplan,
had the tendency to invite chill and the full-body warmth from his
217
shower had long since dissipated. “I don’t think I packed enough
socks,” he said, frowning. “Harry, can I…?” He heaved himself
up out of the easy chair and motioned toward the hallway.
Louis nodded and strode out of the room, down the hall to the last
door on the left. Harry’s bedroom. He paused for a moment,
something in his chest tightening. He hadn’t actually been in there
yet. There hadn’t been any reason…
Softly, Louis opened the door and peeked inside. Harry had a
four-poster bed, neatly made with a soft, brown-checked quilt
spread over light green sheets. Sun streamed in through the same
lacy curtains that hung in the guest room. More framed pictures
of family. Nice and tidy, Western, slightly feminine and very
Harry.
Louis moved toward the dresser, wanting to get the socks and get
out before Harry could suspect him of snooping. The contents of
the top drawer were just as neat as the contents of his room, socks
organized by color and folded boxer briefs. Louis didn’t look too
hard at the underwear, just grabbed a pair of warm-looking
woolen socks and shut the drawer. He turned to go, and had
almost reached the door again when his eyes fell on Harry’s
bedside table.
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There was a lamp, a small box of tissues, and… Louis froze,
breath caught in his throat.
A tube of Astroglide.
Fuck. I should just. Leave. But his mouth was dry, and he felt
physically unable to move his limbs. The door was still open -—
Harry could come looking for him. Could catch him here, lips
parted slightly in surprise, staring at the lube.
The lube that he’d… left out? Louis’s heart began to pound, his
face heating up as he noticed a smudge of wetness on the cap. It
had just been used. Harry had just been using it.
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residual ache that had been sending aftershocks of pleasure
through Harry’s body.
Then three.
Suddenly Louis was acutely aware of how long it had been since
he’d masturbated. He was fully hard, tenting his sweatpants. The
socks slipped out of his hand and he moved toward the door in a
daze. He almost couldn’t feel his feet.
“’M gonna,” he shouted toward the living room, over the sound
of movie dialogue. He experienced a moment of panic scrambling
for words, wondering what was going to pop out of his mouth.
“Gonna work -— do some work in my room.”
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He darted into the guest room and shut the door behind him,
leaning on it as his shaking hand found the lock. His chest rose
and fell unsteadily, as though he’d just run a mile. The ache in his
groin was almost unbearable.
Quickly, he sat on the edge of his bed and pulled his sweats down
to mid-thigh. He was already so hard that his foreskin had gotten
stuck behind the engorged head of his cock, making his first
strokes with his spit-slicked hand slightly painful, the sensation
overwhelming. He just spit into his palm again and thumbed over
his slit, wanking furiously. It was rough and desperate, on the
edge of too dry. He pulled his shirt up and was coming onto his
belly in thirty seconds.
Fuck.
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He got himself off again before he re-emerged, lying sideways on
the bed, stroking softly this time and teasing himself a little,
unabashedly imagining Harry. Just the thought of him still loose
out there… Louis came silently onto his already messy stomach,
well aware of how embarrassingly fast it was for a second round.
Oh god, I’m a pervert, he cringed. Look at me. I’m out of control.
He lay there panting for a few moments, enjoying the guilty
afterglow. Then he tiptoed across the hall to the bathroom to clean
himself up, successfully avoiding being seen before he was
presentable again.
Bruce Willis had just finished his second shootout when Louis
wandered back into the living room, trying for casual and failing.
He couldn’t meet Harry’s eyes. Two orgasms and he was still on
edge, part of him worried he’d get hard again just from being near
Harry. Christ, nobody had ever affected him like this. He walked
stiffly over to the easy chair and reclaimed his seat as though
nothing had happened.
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“Uh, w-wh-—” he stuttered, no idea what his brain was even
trying to say.
Harry winked at him. Shyly, like even though he’d clearly figured
out what had happened, he was a little embarrassed of himself
too. Both their cheeks were red as they turned their attention back
to the movie, and Liam was none the wiser.
223
“As always,” said Harry, flipping the card open and giving the
details a cursory glance, “my darling Niall James Horan, I would
be honored to escort you.” He grinned and held out his elbow.
224
“What a dork,” Maggie sighed.
“Love you too, Margaret,” Niall shouted, rocking his hips in line-
dance fashion as he rounded the corner.
He paused to read the rest of the invite more carefully. The event
was an annual fundraiser for the Des Styles Foundation, a
charitable organization Anne had set up in honor of Harry’s late
father to help fund pancreatic cancer research. Louis had heard of
the fundraiser, of course -— it was an unofficial rule that all
TwistCorp HQ employees had to attend the $200-a-plate dinner,
and make an additional donation. Some of the afterparty stories
were legendary, and he’d started under Zayn the previous year
just in time to experience the tail end of the week-long hangover
everyone had suffered. Of course he’d be expected to fly back for
it.
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“Looks like Mom’s going to send us her private jet,” Harry said.
“We’ll book a room in the hotel so we can get dressed there
beforehand. Not gonna stay overnight though…” He frowned,
staring down at the invitation and waving his hand. “I mean, you
and Niall can, but I’m gonna want to get back to the heifers.”
“Plus, you know,” Harry added, “you should enjoy your time in
Denver.”
Louis glanced up. Harry was looking at him with big, almost
nervous eyes. Louis smiled tightly and nodded, tucking the invite
away in his back pocket and moving to help Maggie wipe down
the long table. His brain was foggy, still, when it came to Harry -
— even though they were on good terms, they’d been careful
around each other since the phone call, and Louis for one had
been making up for his long wank drought by furiously
masturbating whenever he got the chance. It wasn’t his fault, he
reasoned, the lube had messed with his head. And it was Harry
there, now. Harry in his head, every single fucking time, and
Louis wasn’t sure whether to feel guilty about it.
“So Niall, I want to get the heifers into the barn with the dry cows
right after the party next weekend. Should still give us a couple
226
weeks of leeway, but I’m not taking a chance on one of them
calving alone at pasture.”
Louis let the words drift past him… dry cows, that meant the ones
who had given birth the year before and had recently weaned their
calves. They had to have special bedding, Harry had told him the
other day -— something about preventing mastitis. The ranch
wasn’t economically reliant on milk production, so it wasn’t as
big a concern as it would be on a dairy farm, but Harry doted on
his “mommies” and gave them the best care possible. Louis
smiled, picturing Harry settling his female cattle down in the barn
in nests of nice, fresh hay. He wondered whether he’d get to
watch one of the births. He hadn’t seen any calves yet -— by the
time he’d arrived at the ranch, the previous year’s newborns had
already been sold.
227
Thursday night, Louis slipped out of his room and across the hall,
moving quickly toward the glow coming from Harry’s office.
“Harry?”
He kept his voice low, knocking gently on the door with the back
of his knuckles as he eased it open. Everyone else had gone home
hours before, and Louis didn’t want to disturb the hush that had
settled over the ranch. He made a quiet sound of endearment at
what he saw inside.
Harry was fast asleep in his chair, snuffling softly with his head
lolling far to the right and his hands buried in the pouch of his
black sweatshirt. He’d pulled up his hood at some point before
he’d dozed off and despite his sleep-slackened jaw, his features
seemed even more elegant than usual, elfin almost, in its shadow.
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“H?” Louis tried again, his voice a touch sharper. He startled
himself by using the nickname, and a little thrill ran down his
spine as he waited for a reaction. “Harry?”
Harry jerked awake with a small snort and then took a deep,
hitching breath, shifting in his seat.
“Wha -— what time is it?” He hadn’t opened his eyes at all, and
the words rumbled out semi-slurred and bewildered, like he
wasn’t quite sure where he was and might slide back into sleep
the next second. Louis’s face twisted up into a smile, something
squeezing at his heart.
“About ten-thirty.”
Harry hummed out a little noise of relief and then squeezed his
eyes shut tighter before finally opening them.
229
“Sorry,” he said gruffly, squinting at Louis and rubbing at his face
while he readjusted to the light, “just tired from…” He made a
loose gesture with his wrist, like he was too exhausted to spend
any energy on a real explanation.
“From all your work?” Louis supplied. Harry and Niall had been
especially busy lately, getting the ranch in complete order before
their upcoming trip to Denver. Even though it was only one night,
calving season was almost upon them.
Louis nodded.
Harry blinked his puffy eyes a few more times. “So,” he said,
deep and slow, when it seemed he had fully regained his grasp on
consciousness. “What’s up?”
230
Harry nodded in understanding and laughed ruefully, pointing to
a wicker basket on top of the short bookshelf to his right. It was
completely overflowing with envelopes of all types. “We’ll go
through it together. You started having it forwarded it, huh?”
They sat in silence as they worked, the only sounds coming from
the materials they were sorting -— high-end glossy paper sliding
against cardstock, regular envelopes thwapping down against
cushioned mailers, the occasional crinkle of the thin plastic
windows on various bills. Every so often they made eye contact
as they went about the task, and the familiar charge of potential
energy in the air intensified each time, a pleasant tug between
them that made things tense, but not quite awkward.
231
It made Louis squirm in his seat a little, his heart jumpy. As
though anything might happen, even though he knew it really
couldn’t.
Harry snorted out a laugh and rolled his eyes, tapping the ends of
several like-sized envelopes against his desk and setting them in
the real mail pile.
“You know,” he said after a few beats, his voice droll, “I’m
surprised Mrs. B didn’t find all your mail herself; she can be quite
the snoop.”
“Really?”
Harry chuckled. “Mmhmm. I found out the hard way a few years
back.” He nodded toward the iMac on the corner of the desk. “She
checks her email on this computer, and I’d signed up for
Match.com. She must have seen something in my Gmail before
she logged me out. Next thing I know, Mags and Niall are
pestering me day and night about my prospective dates.”
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Louis laughed as he set aside an actual piece of his own mail,
ignoring the hot burst of displeasure that flared in his gut at the
thought of Harry dating anyone. “Do you think she checks your
browser history?”
Harry tossed his head back to cackle, and the hood of his
sweatshirt fell away. “Everyone’s worst nightmare, right?” he
said, continuing to giggle as he dropped a direct mailer from a
local politician right into the trash. “Wouldn’t matter if she did,
though. I do all my, like, sad music video marathons, WebMD
searches, and porn consumption on my laptop. Which she most
definitely does not have access to.”
Louis’s belly went hot again, this time with arousal. His heart
started hammering in his chest just from Harry’s casual allusion
to watching porn. He had to swallow over a dry lump in his throat
when he pictured that godforsaken bottle of lube, yet again…
Unbidden images of Harry Styles quickly replaced it -— his long,
hard body naked and flushed, spread out on top of his homemade
quilt as he stroked his nice, big cock with one hand and fingered
himself with the other, absolutely desperate and waiting for
Louis.
233
“Reading it?” Harry asked, in mild disbelief, one of his brows
arching in obvious delight. “What was it then, Kirk and Spock?”
Louis shook his head, grinning and rolling his eyes. “It was
literally the first time I decided to look for sex stuff on the internet
and of course I got caught. The very first time. Just my luck. I
didn’t even know what I was looking for…” he choked on another
laugh as more of the memory came back to him, sighing and
burying his face in his hands.
“What?”
234
Harry was grinning so widely it looked like his face might hurt,
and Louis could see the gears turning in his head as he worked
out the pronunciation of Louis’s butchered spelling.
Louis couldn’t help but join in, his eyes darting over Harry’s
happy face in delight. His heart felt so ridiculously warm just
from talking to Harry about this, and his insides were aglow from
being teased. What are you doing here? he asked himself. A
familiar sense of vulnerability washed over him. This can’t
happen. You and Harry can’t happen. Why can’t you stop?
235
“That is nice, though,” Harry said, tugging Louis back to reality
as he reached into the wicker basket for more mail, “that she
talked to you about it that way.”
Harry leaned back in his chair and let out an appreciative bark of
knowing laughter.
“Well,” he said, raising his eyebrows at Louis once he’d sat back,
“I am personally very lucky that my grandparents had no idea
whatsoever how to go about checking my internet usage when I
was in high school.” He rolled his eyes at himself, smirking. “I
can just hear my grandma. ’Now what’s this you’re searching for,
Harry? What does this mean? A twink riding a bear?’”
“What about Roy?” he asked, after their laughter had died down
a little, genuinely curious. He felt a spark of adrenaline run
236
through him, suddenly self-conscious at having remembered
Harry’s grandfather’s name so readily, and having used it so
casually.
Louis laughed along with him, looking around the small space
and imagining two people in their late seventies, hunched over a
bulky beige computer from the early ’00s. Louis realized then that
while he called it Harry’s office out loud and in his mind, he’d
actually thought of it as Roy’s all along. Something about the nice
give of the soft leather upholstery on the aging chairs, the ever-
present scent of pipe tobacco in the air, the dilapidated
lampshades with their kitschy wildflower cutouts and the glow of
the incandescent bulbs beneath them… He’d subconsciously tied
all the warmth of this little room together with the fondness and
respect he’d heard in Harry’s voice when he’d spoken about his
grandfather, and built a fully-formed impression of a man he’d
never known. Developed affection for him, too. Louis was
picturing a stiffer, more stoic version of Harry, but with the same
big heart and kind eyes. He had been a bit at sea since he’d come
to Wyoming, ignoring the right gut reactions and latching onto
the wrong ones. He didn’t think that was the case with the sense
he’d gotten of Roy Styles -— he had a hard time imagining that
Harry would be so adamant about maintaining the integrity of the
237
property in the face of a billion dollar deal, otherwise -— but his
heart seized a little in his chest at the mere possibility. He wanted
to be right about him. He felt strangely frantic about confirming
that he was.
“What was Roy like?” he asked. He stared intently across the desk
at Harry, who was still innocently sorting mail, oblivious to
Louis’s bizarre inner turmoil about his forebearers. “Like, did he
-— did your grandparents know that you’re gay?”
238
Louis nodded, returning his own pile of mail to his thighs and
folding his hands over it. Harry’s initial response had soothed his
worry that he’d been misguided about Roy, and he took a deep
breath of his own, preparing to listen.
“And they took it well?” Louis’s heart wasn’t exactly racing, but
something about the entire conversation had it humming along at
a good clip, hovering above a resting rate. He was actively trying
not to scoot up and sit on the edge of his seat.
Louis nodded.
“Have you ever lost someone close to you?” Harry asked, peering
at Louis with his wide green eyes full of concern.
239
Louis shook his head. He’d lost a grandmother in his early
twenties, but he’d barely known her and hadn’t been able to make
the trip out to Boston for the funeral.
240
“So they were close?” Louis asked, smiling. “Niall and your
grandparents?”
Harry was nodding even before he’d finished asking the question.
He snorted. “When I say Niall and Maggie are my relationship
model, I say it knowing for damn sure that Rosie and Roy were
theirs.”
“Every day.”
Louis glanced around the office again, smiling at how the framed
wildlife prints on the walls were overshadowed by a
preponderance of pieces of what must have been Harry’s
childhood artwork. His heart swelled with warmth, secure in the
knowledge that his intuitions about Rosie and Roy and their
relationship with Harry had been correct.
241
He gave the last sentence a special weight, and they gazed at each
other for several beats of silence as Louis let the words sink in.
He felt frozen in place by his feelings, a long-delayed chord of
recognition striking inside him.
242
interested in knowing Harry. He wanted his impression of them
to be accurate because they were a part of Harry.
Louis could feel the expanse of the Lonely Rose stretching out
around them in the dark. He could hear the pitter-patter of cold
rain on the roof, and he felt happy. Despite all the complications
of his current situation, he was alone in a tiny office, sorting mail
with Harry Styles and talking to him. Becoming closer to him.
Louis was falling dangerously hard. He had been for quite some
time, and it was heady and almost terrifying to fully admit it to
himself. He tossed and turned in bed that night, replaying Harry’s
words in his mind and second-guessing himself over and over
again about whether Harry had meant anything by them. Maybe
his own subconscious hopes had caused him to read too much into
the statement, and Harry had been wishing he could to talk to his
grandparents about their land and the oil money, after all.
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A cold mist rolled down over the ranch the next day, continuing
the streak of truly miserable weather. Louis stayed swathed in
blankets on the couch, drinking buckets of coffee and watching
the evening news while he tried to work. He didn’t realize quite
how dense the fog had become until Niall burst back into the
house at around eight p.m., outfitted head to toe in a bright yellow
rainsuit that was completely covered in water droplets.
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“Can I come with you?” Louis asked, not entirely sure where the
question had come from, but suddenly desperate to get out of the
house. To be of use. Niall looked as surprised to hear it as Louis
was to have said it, gulping down his milk, his eyes wide over the
rim of the glass. “I mean,” Louis clarified, “I’ll stay out of the
way if that’s what you’re worried about. I just -— I just want to
see what you guys do, I guess. Want to help, if I can.”
Niall wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, setting the glass
on the counter. He shrugged.
“Okay,” he said, slowly. “If that’s what you want.” There was a
skeptical, amused twist to his lips, as though he was sure Louis
didn’t know what he was getting himself into. That was probably
true. “You better get dressed in a hurry though; I’m going to get
yelled at for dawdling as it is.” He pointed a stern finger at Louis.
“And you’re taking a separate four wheeler. The second I hear
you whining, I’m sending you back.”
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Twenty minutes later, Louis knew exactly why Niall had thought
he would whine. It was absolutely horrible out, damp and chilly,
with a bitter wind that always kicked up again right when you
started thinking maybe it wasn’t so bad. But Louis was
persevering, and he felt proud. Three weeks ago he wouldn’t have
even made it across the yard to the ATV without giving up, much
less all the way out to the heifers while blinking rainwater out of
his eyes.
“What’d you get?” Paul called out from across the herd, his face
set.
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“Fifty-two. You?”
Harry had already moved into position next to Hank, staring out
at the heifers with a face full of stormy concern. “Fuck. Fifty-
two…” He glanced over his shoulder at the pasture they’d
apparently just come from, and then back at the cattle.
Niall cleared his throat beside him, still straddling his ATV. “You
know,” he began, “I don’t see -—”
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a slick rock in the creek. Jolene caught in the barbed wire fence
that separated this part of the ranch from the Llewellyn’s. Jolene
having her twins all alone.
Then he was pelting across the pasture at a full gallop, his horse’s
hooves tearing up the terrain. The fog on that part of the property
had lifted, and Harry cut an incredibly dramatic figure as he went,
a streak of black against the wet green grass and the sodden gray
sky.
“I’ll bring it to him,” Louis said, climbing off his own ATV and
onto Niall’s before the words were even out of his mouth. “I’ll
take him the kit.”
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Niall didn’t need any convincing; he just nodded. He held up a
hand for Louis to wait and then transferred a wool blanket and
one of the heavy-duty Maglite flashlights into the storage
compartment from the other ATV.
Louis went.
Some six months earlier he’d been in a sports bar with Zayn in
Capitol Hill, watching the Packers play the Bears. (Louis didn’t
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care all that much about football, but Zayn did. He’d been forcing
Louis to watch the Packers, and really any Wisconsin sports team,
since their freshman year at Madison. Louis loved how it sort of
went against the arty, hipster vibe that Zayn tended to give off, so
he always humored him.) The commercials during the game were
typical -— annoyingly sexist garbage about which beer made you
a man, or which deodorant, or which truck. It was one of those
truck commercials that Louis was thinking about now. A Chevy
ad about a rancher driving around his land in the pouring rain
looking for a lost calf with a pretentious voice-over in the
background describing the proceedings. Louis had rolled his eyes
at it back then, snorting. Would they really care that much about
one single calf?
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Harry blinked up at him when he approached, a comforting hand
stroking Jolene’s neck. He had raindrops on his face and purple
shadows under his clear green eyes, his hair falling dark and wet
across his forehead. He was beautiful.
“I’m going to need your help,” Harry said, his voice firm but
strained. “She’s in labor.”
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Chapter 5
“Shit.”
It galloped off into darkness with a jerky stride. Harry stood up,
his lean body throwing shadows on the sodden grass. Louis saw
him in the unsteady circle cast by his Maglite, his wrist already
252
shaking with the weight of it. Jolene was groaning beside him.
His hand slipped off her wet flank as she struggled to stand, knees
almost buckling. She swayed back and forth on the gentle slope
of the hill.
Harry lifted his Stetson and ran a wet, dirty hand through his hair.
“She won’t,” he said. His features were drawn, face somehow
dark and pale at the same time. “She knows her own body. She’ll
probably lie down on her own again before long. We’ll -— damn
it.”
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Jolene had started to walk slowly down the hill toward the creek.
Louis could see the whites of her eyes, rolling in pain.
“Louis!” Harry barked. “Get me the rope from the ATV.” His
voice was rough, commanding.
Louis didn’t think, just bounded over to the four wheeler and dug
around in the storage compartment. There was a rope inside, the
blanket Niall had given him, a chain, a pair of gloves and some
bottled water, Harry’s fence stretcher, and a few other odds and
ends. None of it looked very helpful. Louis grabbed the rope and
slammed the compartment shut, running back to Harry. He was
standing with a now stationary Jolene, his big, sure hands stroking
behind her ears as he murmured to her.
“I know you want to go see the crick, darling. But it’s not a safe
place right now. Come with me. Come back with me.” Harry was
able to get her to take a few steps toward Louis before she sank
down to her knees again. Louis could actually see the contraction
hitting her, all the muscles in her belly seizing up.
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we had a couple hours to get the trailer up here, get her brought
down to the barn…”
Louis stiffened, his eyes wide, hands jittery with adrenaline. “I’ll
do anything you tell me,” he said. “Anything.” He felt his chest
swell with fear and an almost painful desire to do well, to be
helpful, as he gazed at Harry through the dark, slanting rain.
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full down here -— the heifers are…” He cut out for a moment.
Louis and Harry glanced at each other in panic. “Ya find Jolene?”
Tears were pricking his eyes as he watched Harry calmly tuck the
useless walkie-talkie back under his slicker. Jolene was having
another contraction, her whole body wracked with it and low,
pained noises coming from deep in her throat. Harry just stared at
him for a moment, one of those forceful, raking stares that made
Louis feel as though he were being evaluated, his heart taken
stock of.
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“It’s too late anyway, I think,” said Harry. “Could you… think
you could ride back on the four wheeler? Let them know, at least.”
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We can’t panic, Louis thought, trying to be firm with himself. We
can figure this out.
“Get me the kit, please,” Harry said. “I’m going to check how far
she’s dilated.”
Louis’s hands shook as he opened the kit for Harry and tried to
shield its contents from the rain. He held his Maglite on it,
standing and clamping it between his thighs when Harry handed
him a big gallon jug of something to open. Lightning flickered
above them, followed by the violent sound of thunder. Louis
managed to twist off the jug’s cap and break the seal underneath
without dropping the flashlight on Harry’s head. Fuck, he
thought. How are we doing to do this? This is… I can barely -—
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His thoughts were disjointed as he knelt down again and made to
give the jug to Harry. He had gloves on now, dark beads of rain
clinging to the latex as Louis swept the beam of light over his
hands.
“No,” Harry shook his head. He held out his gloved hands.
“You’ve got to…”
Louis blinked. He glanced down at the label on the jug for the
first time. Priority Care 1 All-Purpose Non-Spermicidal
Lubricating Jelly. For animal use only. Apply liberally as needed.
He felt Harry stiffen beside him, then relax with a fragile chuckle.
He flashed Louis a look as he went to work, pushing both his
hands into Jolene with a practiced air. “No?” he asked, his voice
almost cracking. “No cow vaginas in that scenario?”
259
Louis laughed gently. “Definitely not. Plus,” he added, scooting
up to Harry and muttering in his ear, “unless I’m mistaken, this
isn’t your preferred brand.”
Harry flushed, biting his lip as he got his bearings and began to
examine Jolene. “Louis,” he warned. “Enough. I have to
concentrate.” Louis nodded and got out of his way, pleased that
at least Harry looked a bit more relaxed in his movements. There
was less tension under the surface, and the panicky edge to his
voice had evened out.
Louis held the light steady and positioned himself so that his back
was taking the brunt of the rain. Finally Harry slipped his hands
out. His gloves were coated in lube and streaks of blood. Louis
fought the urge to gag a bit -— there was worse coming, he knew.
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He forced himself to breathe slowly and evenly, ignoring the
heavy, painful thumping of his heart.
Louis shifted his weight from one leg to the other, rolling his
ankles and feeling the ache in his muscles as he tried to get some
of the tension out of his body. He was starting to feel chill from
the rain, since he’d unbuttoned his slicker. “So…” he started,
suddenly unsure. He felt a tiny shiver wrack his body. “Talk me
through what happens, like what’s… Do we just let nature take
its course, or?”
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warmth of her body under the cold rain. He wondered if she was
scared… wondered if she had any idea what was happening to
her. “It’s gonna be okay,” he gulped, petting her softly as they
waited for the next contraction. “It’ll all be fine and -— and you’ll
get to see your babies soon. Then Niall will be here with the
doctor, and we’ll take you somewhere… Somewhere nice, warm
and dry…”
Harry glanced up at him then, and Louis felt doubt pool in his
stomach. “Louis,” he said, his voice careful. “You know… twin
births are high-risk even with a vet, and in good conditions with
all the right equipment.”
Louis bit his lip and hung his head, hands threading through
Jolene’s shaggy hair over and over, brushing it back. “What are
you saying?” he asked, quietly.
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Harry looked up at him, stricken, and Louis’s annoyance melted
away into a cold, hard lump of fear.
“If the vet doesn’t get here in time, we might be able to save two
of them.”
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“We’ll have very good luck then,” he said.
“Well?”
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Louis felt something in his chest loosen, and he took a deep
breath. “Okay,” he said. He gave Jolene one last, loving stroke
before he left her head and crawled back around to Harry. He held
up the flashlight, eyebrows raised.
“Thanks,” Harry said. “It’ll still be a while. This is the really hard
part, coming up…”
They didn’t talk much after that, too intent on watching Jolene.
Her contractions were strong and coordinated -— Louis noticed
Harry glancing down at his wristwatch, trying to wipe rainwater
off the face of it with his slightly bloody gloves as he timed them.
Jolene shuddered, straining to push her first calf out of the birth
canal, and Louis felt his heart seize up as he watched her. Progress
was slow, and Harry spent the long wait changing his gloves and
disinfecting Jolene’s sensitive, swollen vagina. Louis tried not to
ask a million questions every time he slipped a hand in to check
on the calf, but Harry’s satisfied nods told him what he needed to
know.
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static and died, even if he’d gotten a handle on the chaotic
situation down at the barn and sent out a search party for them,
they’d have no idea where to look. There’d be no vet and no
equipment. Louis stopped looking over his shoulder, stopped
peering into the gloom hoping to see the lights of a truck or a
figure on a horse. Help wasn’t coming.
“Thanks,” he whispered.
Louis nodded and sucked down the rest of it, feeling hot and cold
all over. His heart was in his throat, blocking the water as he tried
to swallow.
“Lou,” Harry said, one gloved hand inside Jolene. “It’s about
time.” Louis’s breath caught when he took his hand away. Two
tiny hooves were finally peeking out, shiny with amniotic fluid.
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“Oh my god,” Louis breathed.
Jolene gave a low moo. She pushed when her next contraction hit,
muscles rippling across her flank. Louis trained the flashlight on
her, holding it steady for Harry, who was coating the opening with
more lubricant. The little hooves surged forward, then back in,
but Louis could tell a small bit of progress had been made. He
couldn’t look away.
Another contraction, and he held his breath. Harry knelt down and
gently gripped the calf’s legs, tugging with practiced skill. They
were adorably splayed now, peeking out further. Like whoever
was in there was reaching out for the world. A few more inches,
and Harry rocked back on his heels.
Louis nodded, even though Harry couldn’t see him, the rest of his
body frozen as he watched. Jolene shifted her weight, almost
bucking on the ground with the pain as she started to push again.
Harry grunted, putting some muscle into his pull, trying to move
with her. The two legs slid out further, smoothly, to reveal a tiny,
perfect nose. Louis made a sound that was halfway between a
gasp and a coo, the beam of his Maglite wavering.
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“It’s a… it’s a calf!” he said. “I mean, it’s really -—”
Harry rocked back again, pulling, digging the heels of his cowboy
boots into the ground and flexing his thighs just a touch to bring
more pressure to bear. Nothing seemed to happen. Jolene stopped
pushing, the muscles in her sides not rippling, but rising and
falling gently with her breath.
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“You’re doing so great, Jolene,” Louis whispered. He propped his
flashlight on the ground, beam wobbling as he left it to find the
gallon jug. They’d already used almost half of it. He was careful
not to spill any this time as he coaxed it out onto Harry’s gloved
fingers. Still had one calf to go.
He pulled, Jolene groaning low with the push. The calf came
slowly, but it came. Louis gasped, almost dropping the flashlight
as its head and shoulders slid out. The calf was beautiful, auburn
like Jolene but mottled with bright splashes of white. Another big
movement, Harry pulling with a soft sound of effort, and the calf
slid out to its belly. Louis’s stomach dropped. The head looked
dead. It looked -— it was hanging flaccidly between the two legs
now, tongue out and lolling.
“Normal,” Harry said, too taxed to say more than that one word.
Louis breathed again, heart jerking and leaping in his chest as he
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did his job and kept the flashlight trained on them. He could
almost feel Harry’s muscles working, knew his back must be
acting up from the way he twinged and resettled himself before
the next contraction.
When it came, Louis could hear Harry’s breath punch out of him
as he gave one final tug. The calf’s hind legs slid out onto the wet
grass, its whole body flopping oddly. For a long moment nothing
happened. Louis felt his legs go numb as he watched the prone
figure in the wavering beam of his flashlight. He took a cautious
step forward.
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Romanian Orthodox chants. But it’s like… his mind groped for
words as he saw Jolene nuzzling her newborn, calmly licking
away the traces of amniotic fluid that hadn’t been washed off by
the rain. This is a miracle. It’s a miracle; that’s what it is. Louis
felt a shiver prickle him all over, and then he locked eyes with
Harry.
His eyes were wet, luminous and full of emotion, and Louis’s
heart broke open when he saw the soft smile Harry had on his
face. It overwhelmed him. He took a shuddering breath, leaning
forward so that he could see the calf. Harry stripped a glove off
and held his hand out, inviting him. Louis took it, almost dropping
the flashlight, and squeezed. He let Harry steady him as he
stepped over to them, sniffling a little -— Harry squeezed back,
the feel of their hands together electrifying and so perfect. Louis
looked up and saw the relief on Harry’s features, fragile and tired,
like he was also on the verge of crying. Saw it in his nose.
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navigating mostly by smell. Her eyes were wide and startled, but
determined. She found a teat and began to suck insistently at it. I
just can’t… Life was so beautiful in that moment, Louis couldn’t
form words.
Harry slipped his hand out of Louis’s and began to unbutton his
fleece-lined slicker, shrugging it off his broad shoulders. He
carefully placed it on the calf’s back, easing her front legs through
the sleeves and rolling them up. Snapping up the front under her
belly as she went on suckling.
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Louis followed him to the vet kit, holding the light for him. After
Harry was gloved and lubed, he pushed a hand in to feel for the
second calf. He immediately frowned.
Louis leapt forward, peering at the place where Harry’s arms were
buried in Jolene as if he would be able to see something. “What
does that mean?” he asked, sharply.
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and squinched his eyes shut, pulling his hands out. “What? But -
—”
“If they’re the hind hooves,” Harry continued, voice rising but
still gritty, like he was fighting not to lose it. “Then the calf’ll be
born backwards, and it’ll still have a chance.”
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were tired. Louis’s throat was dry, and he didn’t know what to
say to her as he knelt down. He swallowed, and it felt scratchy.
She’d give a feeble moo now and again, over the course of the
next few hours, every time her body seized up. Louis glanced up
at Harry, who was standing at her rear and seemed to be boring a
hole into her with his eyes. Each time he slipped a hand in, Louis
waited expectantly. But Harry would just shake his head, shift his
weight, and chew on his lip.
The rain had let up, at least. There was a high wind coming down
from the mountain. The healthy little calf finally finished sucking
and curled up in the lee of Jolene’s big body to sleep in the rain
slicker. Louis brought over the wool blanket from the ATV,
throwing it over both the cow and the calf for more warmth.
Jolene was almost asleep, too. She was barely doing anything to
help her second calf along.
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Louis let out a sigh, tension rushing right back in behind it. “Then
there’s a chance,” he said. “Right?”
“It’s just been in the birth canal for so long,” Harry frowned. “I…
Hold on. Just let me…”
Louis watched the next few contractions with bated breath, early
morning air freezing his lungs. Harry was using his whole body
to pull the calf, exerting much more force than he had with the
first one, and it was hard going. Eventually, two hind legs were
peeking out. They looked stiffer than the first calf’s front legs had
looked, standing out at slightly odd angles.
Harry sat down in the mud as he leaned back, shivering and taking
a few deep breaths. Louis could tell that he was both cold and
sweating. Steam was beginning to rise from Jolene’s rear, the first
signs of dawn beginning to soften the sky. Had they been out here
that long? Louis almost shook himself, blinking his tired eyes.
The whole night. He was cold, still damp, and various muscles
were beginning to complain.
“I can’t -—” Harry’s voice cut through the silence. “I need a calf
jack. Or they’re both gonna…”
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Louis felt like his heart was being held down at the corners and it
was twisting, wrenching itself to get free. He took a step forward.
“There’s more rope in the ATV,” he said. “Maybe I could help
pull.”
“Louis!”
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He blinked, whipping his head around. Harry was standing at the
back of the ATV. His eyes were wide, wind-chapped lips parted.
“Louis!” he called again. He was waving the fence stretcher.
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Louis nodded, excitement beginning to zip through his heart as
he used the chain to anchor the fence stretcher to the ATV. Harry
tossed him the end of the rope and he quickly threaded it through,
thanking fate and the universe that he already knew how the little
device worked.
“I know you don’t know what you’re doing. Just try to make sure
things keep moving.” Harry nodded toward the vet kit, where the
box of gloves was peeking out. “You’ll get a feel for it as you
go.”
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“And tell me when the contractions start and stop!” Harry said.
He had his hand on the ratchet. The rope that was secured around
the calf’s ankles came down at an angle, threaded through the
stretcher where fencing wire would normally go. When Harry
cranked the ratchet mechanism, the stretcher would pull on the
rope with more force than he’d be able to exert pulling by hand.
They didn’t have long to wait. Even though Jolene wasn’t doing
much active pushing anymore, her body was still experiencing
strong contractions every few minutes.
“Here’s one!” Louis said. He felt Harry lean down on the ratchet,
the rope going taut around the calf’s ankles. His breath was
caught in his throat. “Keep pushing,” he whispered to Jolene.
“Come on. You can do it. Just this last little bit.” The calf made
some progress, even though Louis could tell Harry was being
conservative about the amount of torque he was applying.
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“Let’s try for next one,” Harry said, giving them both a chance to
breathe when the calf’s stomach was through. “Just guide its
shoulders through and its head’ll come.”
“Just -— ah, good.” Harry plucked a thin, straight stick out of the
grass and held it up. “Hope I won’t need this,” he said. Louis was
puzzled, but before he could ask any questions, it was time.
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But his voice died when he looked down at the new baby. It
wasn’t breathing. He knew the other calf had taken a few
moments to begin its life, but those few moments had already
come and gone. And this calf wasn’t breathing. Wasn’t moving
at all.
Louis slipped, and almost fell out of the way as Harry came to
kneel over it. “’S what I thought might happen,” he said, grimly.
“Started breathing too early, aspirated amniotic fluid.” Louis
could see his fingers working, clearing the calf’s nostrils and
mouth of goop. He watched, riveted, as Harry bent over and
closed his mouth around the calf’s little muzzle, sucking out what
his fingers couldn’t reach, clearing the way for the cool morning
air.
Louis felt like his own heart had stopped beating, suddenly too
aware of his own shaky breaths. Second after second ticked away,
and nothing. Nothing. It’s been too long, he thought, his whole
body sinking as his shoulders slumped. It’s been too long now. It
must not -— it’s not going to…
But Harry hadn’t given up hope. He pulled the little stick out of
his pocket and was bending over again, inserting it into one nostril
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after the other. Moving it back and forth with quick, sure twists
of his wrist.
Then -—
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“Live calf!” Harry cried. He turned around, eyes red-rimmed and
smiling widely, almost laughing in relief. Louis gasped, putting a
hand to his mouth when he saw the little calf blinking and lifting
its head to look at them. It seemed a bit dazed, but otherwise
unaffected, already trying to stand on its wobbly legs. Louis felt
his jaw quaver, a sudden, last rush of tears spilling over as he
reached out and drew Harry into a fierce hug.
“We did it,” Harry said, gently. “I think -— I think…” He let out
a deep sigh and pulled Louis in closer. “We’re gonna make it.”
Louis’s heart leapt free, thudding against his sternum and up into
his throat as he took a shuddering breath. We’re gonna make it.
He lifted his chin and met Harry’s eyes. They were already on
him, infinitely tender, relief and affection shining through them.
“I -—” he began. Louis was wet and cold, but he felt warm where
Harry was touching him, fully aware of how their bodies were
pressed together. Every shift of Harry’s weight, Louis felt it, and
suddenly he was shivering with anticipation.
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His voice trailed off, small and uncertain. He was feeling so many
things, so overwhelmed in that moment that he didn’t know what
to focus on. “I’m really proud of us, Harry,” he said, finally. “I’m
so proud of you.”
Harry’s smile grew even wider, and Louis tucked his head into
Harry’s neck, heart rabbiting as he tried to hide the blush on his
face. He felt the soft press of lips on his hair.
“It’s a boy, by the way,” Harry said, throwing a lopsided grin over
his shoulder as he loped over to the vet kit. Louis laughed again
in pure delight and went over the rearrange the wool blanket
around the twins. They looked so much alike, splashes of white
on auburn, pink noses quivering as they nursed. The second one,
the boy, was slightly smaller, his movements a bit weaker than
his sister’s. But he was on the right track.
“What are you going to call them?” Louis asked. He glanced back
at Harry as he reached down to pet Jolene, fluffing up her drying
hair. Couldn’t look away for long, even at the calves. They were
wonderful -— fascinating and new -— but Louis wanted to
commit every detail of Harry to memory. The exact way his
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flannel sleeves were rolled up around his forearms, the stretch of
his jeans over his thighs and the way he couldn’t help himself
either, couldn’t stop his eyes from searching out Louis’s.
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he breathed again, blinking back and forth between Louis and
Harry.
Paul joined them after backing the trailer up. He walked over to
pat Harry on the back with a sort of paternal air, taking a good
look at the calves.
“Oh, I see,” Paul said, in his gruff, low voice. “You go and name
the runt after me.”
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Louis was a big help.” His grin widened. “My lovely assistant.
Hero, really. Couldn’t have done it without him.”
Paul and Niall listened to the rest of the story with rapt attention,
Paul asking a few questions here and there as Niall paced,
muttering to himself, guilty at not having sent out a search party
for them. “I was going to,” he said, “obviously. But you said
everything was fine before you cut out, and then the heifers didn’t
want to move, and Germaine slipped in the mud -—”
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Niall winced, glancing down at his bruised arm. “Sprained one of
her hock joints. It was… tough, getting her to the barn. Dr.
Christine’s here; she’s with her now.”
Louis drifted into the background as Niall and Paul helped Harry
move Jolene and the calves into the trailer, busying himself by
tidying up the vet kit and folding the blanket, collecting used
gloves and other bits of detritus in a plastic bag. He packed the
chain and the fence stretcher back into the four wheeler, which
Paul offered to gas up with the emergency half-gallon tank that
Harry kept in his truck and drive back to the house.
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He turned to the open window and watched the wild beauty of the
ranch rush by, the sounds of the morning drowned out by the
engine of the truck. He could smell the fresh air, pleasantly
mingling with exhaust. Spring flowers were in bloom, sparse but
gorgeous. A pair of birds flirted, flitting by them, colors shifting
as the sun rose and dawn matured into day.
Louis grinned back at him, and they shared a quiet moment, faces
stilling as they just looked at each other, drinking each other in,
until Niall parked and turned off the engine. He hopped out of the
truck, waiting for Harry to follow.
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Louis felt a burst of electricity prickle over his skin. He was
already missing Harry’s hand on him. God. Later.
He breathed for a moment, then climbed down from the cab and
marched up the front path to the house, wet socks squelching in
his wellies. His knees still felt shaky. He glanced back over his
shoulder as he opened the screen door. Paul was unlocking the
back of the trailer, Niall ready to help move Jolene and the twins
into the barn. Harry was greeting a handsome, gray-haired woman
who Louis assumed was the vet.
Louis slipped inside the quiet foyer. He took a hot shower, trying
not to think too much as he toweled himself off and fell into bed
with just a pair of sweatpants on, not even bothering to pull the
bedclothes up over his back.
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He woke to a sharp knock on the door.
Denver?
His mind was racing. Louis wanted Harry. He wanted him all to
himself, wanted a chance to solidify whatever had grown between
them. But now he had to rush around, pack his suitcase and try to
remember where he’d put his keys.
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Later… he thought to himself. Later.
“Fucking weird, isn’t it?” Niall asked Louis, shielding his eyes
from the glare as he glanced around to draw attention to the fact
that there was no one else to look at.
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Hadn’t ever expected to help a cow give birth in the pouring rain,
either. His mouth twisted into a little smirk at the extremes of the
past twenty or so hours, and he instinctively snuck a glance back
at Harry while he thought about it all. His heart swelled sharply
and skipped a beat at the sight of him, shuffling along behind
them with his garment bag thrown over one arm. He was still
sleep-mussed from the flight, his aviator sunglasses crooked on
his nose and his hair like a mad scientist’s. It was adorable.
Louis shrugged and stopped to wait for him, raising his eyebrows,
unable to keep from smiling back. “Nothing,” he said, reaching
out and tugging at one of the belt loops on Harry’s jeans.
Louis wanted to kiss him so much it felt like his whole body was
screaming for it, his skin tingling.
“Oh brother,” Niall called out from the door to the terminal,
rolling his eyes. “Would you guys get a move on? Our rides are
already here!”
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They stared at each other for another delicious, lingering beat
before breaking into slightly giddy laughter and following after
Niall, Harry’s hand resting on Louis’s lower back.
Harry had arranged for separate cars to take them into the city.
Louis needed to pick up some things at his place -— the suit he’d
worn when he’d first gone out to Wyoming wasn’t right for this
type of event, and he wanted to pack up some of his other clothes
so he’d have them when they returned to Sheridan. Plus, he’d
promised Zayn they could have a drink together, just the two of
them, before heading over to the fundraiser. He couldn’t help but
feel a little cheated out of precious seconds with Harry, though,
all dressed to the nines.
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Louis nodded.
Louis watched them pull away before he got into his own car, an
incredible buoyancy filling him. He sighed contentedly as the
driver took him up through the suburbs, sparse landscape giving
way to tree-lined neighborhoods as they passed through Glendale
into Cherry Creek, with its big mall and chichi eateries and art
galleries. Finally they were on the quiet, almost too-narrow streets
of Capitol Hill, driving past slightly run-down bars and secluded
playgrounds, and tattooed twentysomethings out walking their
dogs. Louis was home.
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He was still floating when he arrived at Zayn’s just over an hour
and a half later, freshly showered and dressed in his nicest suit,
smiling up at the building as he was buzzed in. Zayn had a condo
in Cap Hill a few blocks west of Cheesman Park, within walking
distance of Louis’s apartment. He had been muttering for a while
about buying a house, but Louis suspected he never would unless
he met a nice lady and settled down. It was hard to imagine Zayn
ever mowing a lawn.
“Louis! How you been, man?” Zayn asked, pulling Louis in and
thumping him on back after he opened the door.
They both broke into easy laughter just from the pleasure of being
around each other again. God, it was nice. Louis loved Zayn’s
spindly hugs and stupidly perfect face.
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“That’s good,” Zayn said, leveling him with an appraising stare
after grabbing two beers from the fridge. “I’m good.”
Harry Styles is hot, okay? He’s hot and he’s flirting with me…
“Not -—” Louis cleared his throat, picking at the label of his beer
and not making eye contact. “Not really…”
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Louis scowled internally. Fucking Zayn. He could wait anybody
out in an awkward silence. Louis didn’t want to spill, though. He
didn’t want to talk about Harry outside a context of
uncomplicated happiness right then. He just wanted to have it. To
have Harry, without the rest of the bullshit. It was irritating to be
reminded that he couldn’t.
Zayn sighed, and rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what Louis
was doing, but he was a great friend, so he let him do it. For the
time being, anyway. “Waliyha came through on a road trip out to
California, and brought me two cases as payment for letting her
and boyfriend crash here for a week.”
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job and the rest of his life that he’d been completely ignoring for
the past week or so. It made him feel anxious to get to the gala, to
see Harry and let his wonderful presence make all of Louis’s
resurfacing concerns irrelevant again.
Zayn was laughing and Louis had a wide grin plastered on his
face as they entered the hall, rehashing an old story. Legendary
Packers quarterback Bart Starr had been the guest of honor at a
Boys and Girls Club luncheon that they’d both worked their
senior year, and Louis had gotten to clear his plate at the end of
the meal. It was absurd, fighting over the right to dispose of
someone’s leftover food scraps, but everyone had been angling to
do it, so Louis had been understandably smug. Months later, he
had found out Zayn had told the story to his family, but had said
that he’d been the one who had cleared Bart’s plate. Lying like
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that was so ridiculously out of character for Zayn that Louis had
vowed never to let him live it down.
Zayn scoffed, smiling and rolling his eyes. “Well, which one’s
the Louis Tomlinson, then?” he retorted, craning his neck as he
looked around as well. “I’ll just keep an eye out for the server
who won’t stop checking out his own ass in reflective surfaces
when he’s supposed to be passing champagne.”
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Louis burst out laughing, nudging Zayn with his shoulder as they
got in line for the bar at the center of the big event space.
Just after they’d gotten their gin and tonics and turned back to
face the crowd, Louis spotted Harry in a cluster of people across
the room, near one of the Great Hall’s many decorative
lampposts. His heart leapt in his chest, adrenaline sweeping
through him. Harry Styles in a tux did not disappoint. He looked
sharp and strong in black, the width of his shoulders perfect above
his lean hips, his hair in loose waves.
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gown, and Louis realized then he’d always thought of her as some
sort of queen -— cool and controlled, with a stately, removed
beauty. It was strange to think she even knew him by name. “Mr.
Malik!”
Louis flushed slightly as they were let into the circle, suddenly
afraid to make eye contact with Harry even though he felt his
presence so strongly it made the hair on the back of his neck stand
up.
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breathe. He’d been blindsided by this turn of events, and felt
utterly foolish for it.
“Ah,” Mohs said, his deep voice booming. “Mr. Tomlinson. Your
man in the field?”
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Louis heard his mother’s voice in his head then, something she’d
said to him once at the kitchen table when he was sixteen. She’d
probably assumed he’d forget it right away, like most of the
advice she gave him. But he’d always remembered it. Watch out
for those men, Louis. The ones who only state their opinion as
fact. There’ll be lots of them. Don’t become one, either.
“I’m glad,” Walter Mohs said, bobbing his head at Harry. “That’s
great news. I only asked because I’d heard you’d had a little
trouble with a barn as of late. Sort of bad timing for replacing it,
I guess, with that write-off code changing this year, is all.”
Mohs let out a long, slow chuckle, raising his scotch at Harry.
“Excellent point, son.”
Louis felt Zayn shift his weight next to him and wondered if he
felt the poisonous electricity in the air, too. If he was also
desperate to take a large slug of his gin as soon as this was over.
If it was ever over -— it somehow felt like they’d be trapped in
the awkwardness forever.
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“And actually,” Harry said cooly, still smiling, even though Louis
could see that his hand was shaking around the whiskey sour he
was holding, “despite the lowered cap on the Expense Election,
we’re in an excellent position to replace our barn given the
strength of the cattle market and the amount of working capital
we’ve managed to accrue over the past few years. But, again,
thank you for your concern.”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me.” Harry said, “I see some other people
I should say hello to.”
Anne let out a chuckle. If she felt ruffled by the situation at all,
she didn’t show it. “Walt, why don’t I introduce you around to
some of the Styles Foundation’s more prominent patrons? I’m
sure they’d love to meet you.” She nodded to Zayn, Louis and
Niall. “Nice talking to you, gentlemen.”
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Niall turned to them both with wide eyes after everyone had gone,
letting out a low whistle. “Yikes,” he said, laughing nervously.
He gave Louis and Zayn a dubious look. “Do you guys think
they’ll serve us straight shots in this place?”
Twenty minutes later, after Niall and Zayn had been introduced,
they had indeed taken a round of tequila shots and were standing
at a high-top table, nursing new drinks and trying to make small
talk.
The mood was a little off. Louis felt rattled and horrendously
naïve, and he couldn’t help getting lost in his thoughts. He was
trying to remember the morning. The plane. What had he been
thinking, coming here so high on the fumes of his infatuation?
That he and Harry could flirt all night, work the room as some
sort of couple, unbothered by any of the realities of their
situation? That was laughable -— completely, horribly laughable
-— and it was making him sick to his stomach.
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“What?” Louis asked, coming back to reality.
Niall scrubbed a hand over his face and shook his head. He
sighed. “No offense to you guys, but coming here every year can
be a bit of a buzzkill.”
“I mean,” Niall went on, rolling his eyes, his expression dark. He
glanced around quickly to make sure no one was listening and
lowered his voice. “That Walter Mohs guy back there? What a
fucking chump.”
Zayn burst into outright laughter this time, and Louis couldn’t
help but join in. He felt a weird surge of affection for Niall, that
he would use the word ’chump’ and that it would somehow be
just right.
“No, I’m serious!” Niall said, even though he was smiling a little
too, now, toying with a cocktail napkin. “Like, he’s trying to buy
Harry’s land, right? And he’s all like,” he puffed out his chest and
adopted a meathead tone of voice, “’Oh, I know how I’ll do it, I’ll
just insult his way of life, that’s how! Ha ha ha, I’m a corporate
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genius.’” He took a swig of his beer as Zayn and Louis chuckled.
“Complete jackass is what he is.”
Louis felt his sour mood lift just a bit, having the source of their
awkwardness out in the open. Zayn looked more relaxed as well.
Niall nodded. “Yeah, I come with ’im every year. It’s like -—”
he started ripping the napkin to shreds, looking back and forth
between the two of them. He shook his head. “I don’t know if I
should really be telling you this, but it’s tough for him, being here,
you know? All this stuff about his dad. All these people who think
he should have gone into business…”
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keep Harry’s mind off stuff and we were making up backstories
for people from afar. You are really good-looking.”
Zayn blushed a little bit, and Louis started to laugh again. It was
true, of course. Zayn was really good-looking. That was probably
an understatement, actually. Zayn had exactly the kind of
hauntingly beautiful face -— lovely dark brown eyes, pouty little
lips, perfect bone structure -— that you would remember a year
later.
“What kind of story did you make up for him?” Louis asked,
giggling a little at how Zayn was squirming.
Louis laughed again, maybe a shade too loudly. “Oh, oh! It gets
better and better.”
“He said Zayn wasn’t his type, Louis,” Niall said quickly, giving
him a look, like he’d read his jealousy right off him. “Now, if
you’d been here last year…”
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That shut Louis up. He was suddenly jealous of himself, instead.
This lucky former version of Louis Tomlinson that had met Harry
Styles at a party without all of these terrible, complicating factors.
That Louis and Harry could have actually danced, Louis realized,
his heart twisting sharply. He felt ridiculously overemotional
again. They would have danced. We -— we could’ve…
His distress must have been clear on his face, because Niall didn’t
laugh at him. He just made an apologetic noise and gave him a
comforting look, and Zayn squeezed his shoulder once.
“Hey Zayn,” Niall said, beaming at Louis, full of pride. “Did you
know your best friend is a hero?”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yep, he helped with the emergency birth of twin calves, just this
morning.”
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“Are you shitting me?” Zayn asked, his head snapping over to
look at Louis in disbelief.
Louis’s heart swelled painfully this time, thinking about Sally and
Paul, and how fragile and wonderful and new they were. About
how amazing Jolene was. About how close he’d been to Harry on
that hill.
“It -—” Louis broke off, laughing a little at the thickness in his
voice and how clearly close to tears he was. Zayn squeezed his
shoulder again and Louis leaned into the touch, shaking his head.
“It was something else, Zayn. It was something else.”
Zayn laughed, raising his gin and tonic. “I’ll drink to that!”
Louis laughed too, recounting the whole story for Zayn before
they sat down for dinner and feeling very loved, even though he
was still a little worried and a little sad underneath it all.
Louis found his place card at a table in the far corner of the room
with a bunch of other paralegals, well back from the podium
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where the speeches would be given. It seemed as though everyone
else had sat down early, because there were empty beer bottles
and highball glasses dotting the table, tucked in between the
salads and dinner roll plates. Nick Grimshaw was already holding
court, leaning back in his chair with his long legs crossed and his
eyes alert. Louis got the distinct impression he had been the topic
of conversation before he’d arrived because they were all
strangely hushed, and Grimshaw’s face was even more smug than
usual.
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“Hello, Nick,” Louis said dryly, nodding around the circle to greet
everyone else.
“Hello yourself!” Nick replied as he tore a small piece off the roll
and popped it into his mouth. He smirked. “Or should I say
’howdy’ now? Is that an actual thing? Do they say that out there?”
“Oh come on, Louis, we’ve missed you,” Nick said, a twinkle of
mischievous glee in his eye. “Don’t hold out on us, how’s home
on the range?”
Louis snorted and rolled his eyes, trying to seal off his tender
emotions so Grimshaw wouldn’t be able to get a rise out of him.
He was always at his most obnoxious after a couple of drinks.
“Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope
play…” Nick started to sing rather tunelessly, moving his hands
around a little like a conductor’s, pretending he expected others
to join in. He paused. “Wait, are there actually antelope? Do you
seldom hear a discouraging word?”
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“There are no antelope as far as I know,” Louis said, hoping his
disinterested tone would convey how unimpressed he was with
Nick’s antics.
“I’m surprised you’ve lasted out there so long,” Nick went on, a
teasing smirk on his face as he mopped up some salad dressing
with his bread. “Never took you for the outdoorsy type… Then I
saw Ms. Twist’s son, and it all made sense. I thought -— hmm,
he’s very handsome. Bit of a Brokeback situation, maybe?”
Louis dropped his fork onto his plate with a loud clatter and had
to grip the edge of the table to keep from flying off the handle and
telling Nick to shut his fucking mouth. As it was, his reaction was
probably revealing enough because the whole table had turned to
look at him in surprise, any loose threads of conversation trailing
off into silence.
Great. Louis winced and closed his eyes. At least they have even
more to gossip about now.
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When he opened them again, everyone else had suddenly become
supremely interested in their salads -— except for Nick, who was
staring at him across the table with his eyes wide and his brows
incredibly arched.
This event was forcing him to confront the fact that despite liking
Harry so very much and having grown so close to him, he’d most
likely never get to be with him. Louis felt more and more upset
as the realization sank in, until he was perilously close to spinning
out of control emotionally -— if Nick pushed him on it, he was
afraid he might actually start to cry.
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He looked across the table and shrugged with a furrowed brow,
and something shifted ever so slightly in Grimshaw’s expression.
He blinked at Louis, then turned to the woman on his right.
Louis let out a slow sigh. Conversation around the table quickly
came back to life as dinner was served, but he barely participated.
He zoned out through the duration of Anne’s remarks, working to
keep his mind as blank as possible.
It didn’t work. The ball in the pit of his stomach just grew heavier
as the meal went on, an anxious weight settling over him. He let
his colleagues gossip and talk shop around him, their words
washing over him without really registering. It wasn’t until they
were being served after-dinner coffees and the dancefloor was
opening up that he caught a thread of conversation.
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“Who’s we?” Louis asked, so suddenly that he startled Nick and
Terri Brend, another TwistCorp paralegal.
“Hopkins-Harrington -—”
Louis didn’t even let Nick finish before he was asking another
question, his heart beating a little faster as he sat forward on his
seat. “Not until August at the earliest, I thought.”
Louis bit his lip and nodded curtly. He could feel a question about
the status of the land deal forming on the tip of Nick’s tongue, so
he stood up abruptly, murmuring that he had to use the restroom
as he sped away from the table. He bypassed the men’s room and
headed up a flight of nearby stairs instead, eventually taking
refuge on a cushioned bench in a deserted corner of the third floor
mezzanine.
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June, he thought, letting his frustration spiral out to his fingertips
as a flush spread over his skin. Early fucking June.
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Everything was in such muddle in his mind. His head had started
to ache, just like his heart. Why can’t it be simple? Why can’t we
just be the only two people in the world?
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Harry said sharply. Louis couldn’t
see around the edge of the wall, but his senses were on high alert,
and he could hear Harry’s soft footfalls on the carpet, could tell
he’d made an aborted move toward the stairs.
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“I’m sorry about Walter.”
“If you didn’t want him to bring up the barn, you shouldn’t have
fucking told him about it,” Harry interrupted hotly, and Louis felt
a fresh burst of adrenaline surge through him, his heart pounding.
“And it’s not like taking out a mortgage is the end of the fucking
world, so I’m not sure what there really is to discuss…”
There was a heavy pause and Louis bit his lip as he waited for
Anne’s response with wide, darting eyes. He knew he shouldn’t
be listening, but he felt terrified that backtracking toward the
bench would only call attention to his presence. He was frozen in
place by both his deep concern for Harry and his intense desire to
know what was going on.
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like Harry knew that no matter how many times he said them they
wouldn’t be heard.
Anne let out a long, measured sigh. When she spoke again, it was
in a soft whisper. “I know you miss them, Harry. I’m so sorry.”
“No!” Harry said, so sharply that Louis almost gasped, his pulse
leaping through his veins. “No. You don’t get to -—” Harry
paused and took a deep, shaky breath, like he was trying to get a
handle on his emotions before it was too late. When he continued,
his voice was wobbling with righteous indignation and hurt. “You
don’t get to tell me that you understand the -— the reasons for my
attachment to that land, while implying in the same breath that
that’s what I’m letting impair my judgment.” He cleared his throat
again, and Louis felt a horrible wrenching in his heart when he
realized that Harry must be close to tears. He couldn’t help but
picture him with shaking hands, and the idea of that made his
whole body hurt. “Especially not when you’ve used an event like
-— an event like this one to trap me into talking about it the first
place.”
“Harry -—”
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Then Louis heard the sound of the soles of his dress shoes as they
slapped quickly down the stairs, leaving his mother behind.
Oh, Harry.
Louis felt like a raw nerve, vibrating in place with the effort of
not sprinting around the corner and shouting at Anne before
following after him. It was agony, not being able to pull Harry
close and at least attempt to comfort him.
How had he gotten to this point? Why did his life have to be this
way? How was Louis ever supposed to do his job when it turned
out that what he wanted most of all was to ease Harry’s pain, to
help him and protect him? How could Harry possibly still want
him after all these stark reminders of the reality of their situation?
Of the interests that Louis’s presence represented? How would it
ever work? What had they even been thinking?
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I’ll quit my job, Louis thought wildy, his heart rabbiting in his
chest and one hand fisted in his hair as he went momentarily crazy
with longing for that to be an actual possibility for him. For the
world to have placed him in a position where he could actually
just cast everything else aside. And just be with Harry. Just be
with him.
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stationing himself at a hightop table near the edge of the dance
floor.
It had been a long night. Much too long. Louis had given a bit of
thought to leaving. Fantasized that he didn’t have to return to
Sheridan until the next morning, and could sneak back to his
apartment to shut himself away from the world, maybe with a
bottle of vodka and a bunch of Adele. But the truth was, he’d seen
no sign of Harry since he’d overheard the argument on the third
floor, and what he wanted most of all was just to see that he was
all right. His disappearance was adding a layer of worry to
Louis’s heartache.
He’s okay. He’s an adult, Louis told himself, before letting out a
bleak laugh. He was supposedly an adult as well, and he was most
definitely not okay. He tried not to feel too desolate as he nursed
his beer and looked out at the few remaining couples on the dance
floor, swaying to the music. The DJ had slowed things down,
since it was so close to the end of the night.
Louis was making another lazy visual pass of the room, his eyes
lingering on the fancy centerpieces still on the dinner tables and
the melting ice sculpture on the picked-over appetizer buffet,
when there he was. There was Harry, standing across the hall,
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gazing back at Louis with such tender, open affection on his face
that Louis could see it at twenty yards. Could feel it, even. It
punched Louis in the gut and stole the breath right out of his
lungs.
Harry.
Harry cocked his head to the side and gave a small, consoling
smile before walking over to Louis with a steady, languid grace
that was reminiscent of that first night at Liam’s bar. By the time
he made it to the table, Louis’s heart was lodged up in his throat,
his chest rising and falling rapidly as his breath came in jagged
little pulls.
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“Dance with me,” Harry said, almost before Louis had even
finished saying his name, his tone warm and rich.
“It doesn’t matter. None of it. I don’t… I don’t care. I need -—”
Harry’s voice was thick with emotion and he was smiling and
shaking his head, his dimple deep. He reached out and took
Louis’s free hand, staring him right in the eye. “I just want to
dance with you, please,” he whispered.
All of Louis’s worries and fears -— the terrible stress of the whole
evening -— faded into the background as soon as Harry laced
their fingers together, drowned out by the rush of blood pounding
past his ears. At that moment, Louis didn’t have the strength to
pretend any longer that there was anything in the world he wanted
more than to be in Harry Styles’s arms again. Despite everything,
Harry still wanted him, and he didn’t care who saw. Louis didn’t
either.
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turned to face each other made Louis flush all over, a throbbing
sweetness spreading out from his heart and through the marrow
of his bones.
Louis reveled in the feel of Harry against him, the firm plumpness
of his long thighs and the broad expanse of his chest, the warmth
of his shoulder under Louis’s cheek. Harry’s touch had Louis’s
eyes fluttering shut, his skin flushed and tingling, and his blood
pumping, strong and hot. But it was the completeness Louis felt,
being in his arms, that was truly making him weak in the knees.
The joy radiating inside him came from the knowledge that at this
moment, whatever was growing between them was absolutely
paramount to both of them. When it came down to it, all of the
troubling, complicated circumstances surrounding their situation
were immaterial in the face of what they felt for each other, and
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that was staggering to Louis. He felt safe with Harry, and he
melted into him with his heart wide open.
Harry’s left hand was low on Louis’s back and he’d clasped
Louis’s left in his right, tucking them between their bodies so they
could press as close together as possible while they swayed and
turned in time to the music. Harry had buried his face in Louis’s
hair, and Louis could feel his breath against it as he hummed
along to the song. It felt so quietly intimate and lovely that Louis
ached down to his toes, happy, nearly to the point of tears again.
“Don’t worry,” Harry said, his own voice gruff with feeling as he
squeezed Louis tighter, impossibly closer. “I won’t. I won’t…”
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He had to eventually, of course. Three songs later the DJ was
done for the night, and Anne Twist’s personal assistant was
beckoning Harry over to her from across the room, for whatever
reason.
“Go find Niall, all right?” Harry said, dimpling. “I’ll meet you
guys out front in fifteen minutes, and we can head back to the
airport.”
Louis nodded.
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Then Harry squeezed his hand again, and he was gone.
Harry and Niall came down after him, arms wrapped around each
other’s waists. Louis turned away from the wide expanse of plain
beyond the lighted runway and snorted softly as he grinned back
at them -— Niall was batting at Harry’s face a little like a cat,
frowning in concentration, and Harry was carrying both of their
bags in one muscular arm.
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“Waltzing Margarita,” he sang, as they walked to the cars.
“You’ll go a-waltzing Margarita with me…”
“I’ve, uh, gotta take Niall home and put him to bed,” he said,
scratching the back of his neck and shrugging apologetically.
“You go on back to the ranch. Get some sleep?”
He smiled sweetly at Louis, his face open and his eyes twinkling,
and Louis felt an unbearable pressure in his chest, a longing to
grab Harry, hug him and squeeze and never let go. His fingers
wanted to touch so badly, his whole body desperate to be pressed
flush against Harry’s again, feeling the shift and give. The tension
between them as they looked at each other felt like a variation on
the first time -— Louis frustrated and impatient, Harry projecting
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calm. Only now there was a rich undercurrent to it, an ache of
anticipation. They held each other’s gaze until Niall rolled down
the window of the truck.
Louis bit his lip and nodded, walking stiffly over to Harry’s truck.
He was still somewhat sore from the night before, but not
unpleasantly so. His thighs felt like they had an unfulfilled ache
inside them as he heaved himself up behind the wheel, adjusting
the seat forward to accommodate his shorter stature. He felt
wired. Sleep schedule all thrown off from his extended nap in the
middle of the day.
And…
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Harry in his tuxedo, walking over to him so purposefully. There
had been just a hint of tension in his straight, heavy brows, an
indication that Harry was fully aware of the implications. Fully
aware of who could see them dancing together, of what starting a
relationship might mean.
Louis parked the truck and let himself into the house with Harry’s
keys, resisting the urge to check in on Jolene and the calves. They
were doing just fine, he knew. Roby had been sending them all
text updates, and a picture of Paul and Sally curled around each
other in peaceful slumber was now the lockscreen of Louis’s
phone. He was anxious to see them again, but didn’t want to go
blundering blindly around the barn, disturbing all the heifers.
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The house was so quiet… Louis sucked in a breath as he rolled
his little suitcase down the hall. Something about twisting the
knob of the guest bedroom door reminded him again, viscerally,
of his first night in Wyoming. Only this time there was a
handwritten note from Mrs. Burden on his pillow:
Hope you had a good party Louis. Remember to take your ironing
out of the laundry basket so I can have it back. -— Mrs. B.
Louis sighed. His hands were a little shaky; there was still an
overabundance of adrenaline in his system, and he left his suitcase
by the bed to walk down the dark hallway to the laundry room.
He found the small pile of his clothes, freshly ironed and smelling
of dryer sheets. He shook his head, smiling softly. Mrs. Burden
always insisted on ironing even the old t-shirts he was only going
to end up sleeping in.
Back in the warm lamplight of his room, Louis changed out of his
suit and into sweats, not bothering with a shirt. The window was
open, light breeze washing in and making everything smell fresh
and old-fashioned at the same time. Louis lay back on the quilt,
spreading his arms and staring up at the ceiling. Wondering if he
should even unpack.
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It doesn’t matter, he thought, uncontrollable yearning practically
bursting out of his chest as he wiggled his bum into the mattress,
blinking in the dark. We’ll figure it out. He couldn’t sleep, and
instead entertained himself by imagining what Harry was doing.
They’d have arrived at the Horan residence by now; maybe Harry
was bundling a tired, overemotional Niall in from the driveway.
Louis pictured the key scraping in the lock of the side door, Harry
and Niall stumbling through and taking the half-flight of stairs
into the kitchen.
Now Harry was helping Niall take off his shoes, pants and suit
jacket before tucking him into bed. Running downstairs to get a
glass of water for him. “You have to drink two of these before
you fall asleep,” he was saying. Louis could practically hear his
voice, stern and very male, yet also motherly.
But Harry was peeling out of his tuxedo now, in Louis’s mind,
folding the pieces of it neatly before lying down on the big,
comfortable couch in the Horans’ front room. Drinking some
water himself and then drifting off to sleep.
Sleep, Louis told himself. I should probably sleep. But his mind
and body were restless.
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The room was just starting to turn gray when he heard the front
door open. Louis sat up in bed, his stomach fluttering and breath
catching in his throat. There were footsteps coming down the
hallway, a strong, steady gait. Louis swung his legs over the side
of the mattress and padded to the door, his entire body screaming
Harry, Harry, Harry… He pressed himself against the cold wood,
listening.
Louis stepped back as Harry opened the door. His hair was down,
chestnut curls framing his face, and his green eyes almost seemed
to glow in the weak light of dawn. He blinked, mouth falling open
slightly in surprise as he took in Louis’s bare torso.
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“I thought you were gonna sleep at Niall’s,” Louis said, voice soft
and raspy and full of fondness, cracking a bit. He saw Harry bite
his lip, his fingers shaking slightly as he drew his hand away from
the doorknob.
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what we were getting into,” he whispered. “I knew. But then all
of I sudden I fully realized how it must have -— have looked
when we danced, and I thought, oh God, I’ve put him in such a
terrible position. Like, it’s your job on the line. And your
colleagues all saw, and, God, my mother…” He kept running his
fingertips over Louis’s arms, eyes fascinated and hungry, but
worried.
“Harry -—” Louis began, but Harry cut him off right away.
“I need you to know how I feel,” Harry said. He huffed out a weak
laugh. “I mean, it’s obvious… obvious what I want. But I don’t
want to put pressure on you.” He lifted his eyes to meet Louis’s.
“I don’t want to be selfish. Dancing with you was selfish. I just…
I know this is riskier for you than for me. I just wanted to say
that.”
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“I want to make love to you,” Harry said, in a low voice. He
sounded serious. Louis shivered in his arms, wondering why it
was affecting him so much, that phrase. Make love to you. He’d
have snorted and rolled his eyes if it were anybody else…
Anybody else. But the way Harry said it made something warm
unfurl in Louis’s chest. “Want you to fuck me,” Harry added,
dipping his chin to whisper it into Louis’s ear. “I’ve been thinking
about it for weeks.”
Louis almost gasped. The spell that had been holding him
paralyzed was broken; he reached up, took Harry’s face in his
hands and pulled him down into a kiss. Their lips met, opening
immediately to let each other in -— already let each other in,
Louis thought, semi-incoherently as he walked Harry back into a
dresser. “Mmph,” Harry mumbled, surprised. He tightened his
grip on Louis’s neck, twisting his head to get a better angle. They
were desperate, tasting each other, Louis arching his spine as
Harry clutched him lower, fingers roaming greedily over the
planes of his back before digging into his bare, golden skin. It was
perfect, God, the way Harry was touching him. Thumbs kneading
into the slight softness around his pelvic bone, sweeping down to
graze the low-hanging waistband of his sweats. Louis shivered
with barely-contained energy. He nipped at Harry’s pillowy lips
with his teeth, laving over them with his tongue afterward and
causing Harry to moan into his mouth.
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answer right away, he punctuated his question with a soft tug at
the base of his curls, right behind his ear.
“Yes -— yes,” Harry stuttered, and his voice was thick with
emotion. “Louis… God, I -— I’ve never…”
Harry’s eyes were still closed, lips slick and slightly parted as he
pulled Louis closer and started to grind onto him with slow
circles. “Never felt this way before,” he breathed, cheeks flushing
immediately. He rolled his puffy, kiss-bitten lips together and
ducked his head, like he was embarrassed, not sure if he was
allowed to admit to having those kinds of feelings. Louis’s heart
burst, an extra half-beat thudding through him.
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The groan that Harry let out went straight to Louis’s cock. He
thrust up harder, giving Harry a preview of what was coming.
Mimed fucking him back into the dresser for a few seconds,
feeling Harry quiver and shudder beneath him. He stopped before
he hurt Harry’s back, and brought his hands down to rub and
knead at it under the tuxedo jacket.
“God, Louis…”
“Lou…” Harry’s voice was like rough honey. He let his shirt fall
away and then pulled Louis into his chest again. Louis went
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easily, keeping one hand between them, palming at Harry’s
crotch. He stroked softly up and down, pushing into the fabric
with his fingertips and hearing Harry’s breath stutter as he kissed
him.
“Weird?” he asked.
Harry kicked his trousers away and pulled Louis down next to
him on the bed, his big hand squeezing Louis’s waist before
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running up to trace his collarbones. “You’re the overwhelming
one,” he whispered. “Right away I just… I didn’t even know what
to do with myself around you.” He brushed a lock of hair off
Louis’s forehead and leaned in to press a kiss to his temple.
“Same,” Louis said, smiling. Part of him just wanted to lie there
with Harry for hours, spreading his hands out over his chest and
his hips and his thighs and telling him every thought that had gone
through his head for the past month. “And, um, just so you know,”
he said. “I’ve been thinking about you, too. A lot.”
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He was so beautiful. So responsive, so pliant and open in bed, it
gave Louis a head rush, made his heart pound to just this side of
panic.
Louis just intensified what he was doing, putting his own hips
into it and starting up a rhythm. It was driving them both crazy
before long, the almost-ness of it. “It’s gonna feel so good,” Louis
whispered. He couldn’t ignore the way it made his body hot all
over, Harry calling him ’baby’ in his cowboy voice. Harry falling
apart beneath him.
“The best,” Harry whimpered. “I’m not sure I can… God. I feel
like I’m gonna come as soon as you touch me.”
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“Come on my face,” Louis decided. He got an illicit thrill all of a
sudden, a shot through his heart. “Then I’ll fuck you nice and
slow until you come again.”
Harry shuddered a breath, and nodded hard. He let his legs fall
open as Louis slipped out from underneath him, his cock a hard
line in his briefs. Louis peeled them down and stripped them off.
He ghosted his breath over Harry’s length, watching his stomach
rise and fall, abs flinching a little in anticipation.
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“Oh,” Harry moaned. “Oh, oh God…”
His hips stuttered upward and Louis shoved them back down. He
opened his mouth, letting Harry see the pink tip of his cock on
Louis’s tongue as he stroked him even faster, giving him kitten
licks and fluttering his eyelashes. Harry was alternately craning
his neck to look at Louis in wonder and letting his head fall back
on the mattress, eyes closed and thighs quivering. The light of
morning had grown stronger, suffusing everything with a soft
glow.
“Fuck, Louis…” Harry bit his slightly swollen bottom lip and
started to come with a violent shudder. Louis let a few drops hit
his tongue and the roof of his mouth before directing the rest onto
his lips and his high cheekbones. He felt a thrill deep in his belly,
a sudden, violent tug. Like he’d been caught on a line, and Harry
was reeling him in. We both chose this, he thought to himself,
with a zip of anxious pleasure. No matter what happens.
Harry lay back, legs completely relaxed and his hand lightly
massaging the back of Louis’s head. “That was… God,
incredible.”
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penetrated. Louis couldn’t help laughing a little as he wiped off
his face. “You can go again, right?” he teased.
Louis laughed. His own cock was still hard, aching dully and
rubbing against the waistband of his sweats as he moved off the
bed. His chest felt tight, and something flared up in his groin
when he thought about how he was going to have sex with Harry
in just a few minutes. Get his fingers inside… Feel him. Oh, God.
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Louis huffed a laugh, feeling the corners of his eyes crinkle as he
gazed down at Harry, spreadeagled and so beautifully naked for
him. “Be right back, peaches.”
Louis shrugged, pleased with himself. “Your thighs are just the
softest, peachiest -—”
Laughing, Louis turned on his heel and padded out of the room.
The hallway was quiet, shadowed. The encroaching light of dawn
made everything seem softer and more peaceful than it had when
Louis had come home alone just a couple of hours before. His
heart did a flip in his chest when he pushed open the door to
Harry’s room and saw the neatly-made bed, the brown country
quilt. He rummaged around in the nightstand for the lube, finding
it easily, and turned his attention to the dresser.
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He opened the bottom drawer, trying not to disturb the piles of
Harry’s neatly folded shirts -— old flannels mixed in with
beautiful white silk blouses and ratty mesh tops -— as he rooted
around underneath them. Before he found any condoms, his hand
brushed over something else. Something long and cool, hard with
a rubbery exterior. Louis pulled it out and gazed at it, feeling like
his chest was about to collapse. It was a dildo. A vibrating one
with a switch at the base, neon pink and realistically shaped.
Louis pushed the door open. “Harry,” he said, clearing his throat.
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Harry already had one finger inside. Louis blinked, clutching the
dildo tighter in his hand and feeling his toes curl into the carpet a
little at the sight. Fuck.
“I don’t want that,” Harry huffed, rolling his eyes. “Want you.
Come on, it’s been all I can fucking think about.”
Louis licked his lips, pursing them as he smirked. “It’s not for
right now,” he said. “And it’s not for you.” He tossed it on his
own dresser, near the porcelain horse figurine, ripping off a
condom and adding it to the pile. Harry’s eyes widened.
“What…”
“I’m gonna use it,” Louis explained, hooking his thumbs under
the waistband of his sweats and finally pulling them off. Harry
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had to breathe deeply. His gaze was fixed on Louis’s bobbing
erection, his spit-slicked finger starting to pump with a little more
urgency. “I’m not going to tell you when,” Louis continued,
walking over to the bed and crawling up next to Harry. “But after
I’m done I’ll come find you.” He leaned down to whisper. “And
you’re gonna fuck the shit out of me in a barn.”
Harry had gone from semi to fully hard during Louis’s little
speech, and gasped when Louis gently removed his hand and
replaced it with his own tender, searching fingers. He made sure
to use plenty of lube, carefully prepping Harry and biting his lip
in order to feel a small amount of pain because the way Harry was
whining and clenching around him, punching out faint little
breaths with each stretch, was almost too much.
Louis stopped fucking him with his fingers and tore open a
condom, quickly rolling it on and lubing himself. Just the touch
of his own hand was dangerous, and he hoped for Harry’s sake he
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wouldn’t accidentally finish what he hadn’t even started. He took
a deep breath as he lined himself up, extra gentle as he positioned
the head of his cock right at Harry’s entrance. He pushed in just
a little, felt the breach -— the unbelievable tightness and warmth.
Louis thrust in to the hilt, feeling his balls settle snugly against
Harry’s ass, and started to move. Slowly at first, trying not to let
his body tremble. White, tingling static was filling him down to
his toes, lazy warmth already building in just the right places. But
Louis resisted it, not wanting to stop, wanting to have sex with
Harry forever in the still dawn light -— or at least until he’d found
Harry’s prostate and fucked another orgasm out of him. Didn’t
want to think about what came after that, not yet, and the
forbidden nature of what they were doing made it feel even better.
Harry started rolling his hips in time with Louis’s thrusts, and
they were shaking the bed now, boxspring creaking under them.
Finally they found the right angle. “Fuck,” Harry gasped,
throwing an arm over his head and clutching the side of the
mattress as Louis hit his spot over and over. “God, yes,” he cried.
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“Harry,” Louis breathed. He was barely holding it together, felt
like he’d been on the edge of an orgasm for years. “You’re so
gorgeous, I can’t -—”
Harry whimpered. Louis saw his pecs flex, the muscles twitching
in his arm as he let go with another gasp, spilling onto his belly
and Louis’s hand. At almost the same instant, Louis finally
surrendered to the building rush of heat and came into the
condom, filling it with hot spurts that seemed to last forever and
were so intense he almost lost consciousness. He felt his body
shudder involuntarily over and over again as he rode out his
orgasm, making so much noise he would have been embarrassed
if he were aware of anything other than the blinding pleasure of
it.
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Finally he pulled out with a gasp, and collapsed next to Harry on
the bed.
Louis thrust his jaw out and preened at that, taking a moment to
toss the condom away before pulling Harry down on top of him.
“Fucking mutual,” he grinned, breathing into Harry’s neck.
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Harry lifted his head and brushed Louis’s hair off his brow,
studying him with thoughtful green eyes. “Hey, baby,” he said,
smiling. Maybe teasing a little. “You okay?”
Louis’s chest felt lighter and lighter, until it seemed absurd that
he was lying on the bed. He should have been floating up in the
air with happiness, bumping against the wood beams across the
ceiling. “Yeah,” he said, heart nearly bursting with emotion as he
grabbed Harry’s hand and squeezed. “I’m okay. I’m with you.”
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Chapter 6
Louis lay awake in bed, blinking slowly and watching the guest
room curtains billow away from the window in the cool spring
air. He’d expected to drift off after Harry had gotten them tucked
in, on account of being so post-coitally boneless and having slept
so little over the past seventy-two hours, but even with the heavy,
comforting presence of Harry’s arm slung over his waist, he
couldn’t calm his mind. There was one thing in particular that was
overshadowing all of Louis’s swirling concerns. Try as he might,
he couldn’t stop dwelling on it, and it was keeping him awake.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Harry made a
grunting sound of amusement and snuggled closer, nuzzling into
Louis’s neck.
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“Can’t sleep?” Harry asked in a low hum. He’d hooked his chin
over Louis’s shoulder, and the words vibrated through Louis’s
body and made his heart expand.
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them inside long enough to get the comedic timing right. He
pressed quick kisses into Louis’s shoulder and neck as he waited
for his response and burst into gleeful and infuriatingly cute
giggles when Louis squawked in protest and rolled them over,
elbowing Harry in the stomach and then hovering over him once
he was flat on his back.
“Come on,” Harry said when they broke apart, squeezing Louis
tight and then giving his ass a satisfying slap. “Let’s get dressed.
Jolene’s probably wondering where the hell you’ve been.”
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“Probably,” Harry said, smiling down at him as they reached the
barn.
They have to replace it, Louis thought, biting on the inside of his
cheek as he followed Harry past the horses. The barn was
definitely different than most of the modern, metal-sided
buildings Louis had seen on the ranches close to the highway.
Most of the Lonely Rose’s structures seemed to be a little out of
date. I wonder if Rosie and Roy built it all… They must have.
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Harry turned back to smile at him. “Over in the calving barn.” He
had that look on his face he got whenever Louis asked questions
about ranching practices, half eager to make a cowboy out of him
and half entertained by his ignorance.
Our calves, Louis thought, his breath catching. The sight of them
pierced his heart as he came up to the top rail for a better look.
Our cow. Sally and Paul and Jolene.
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Harry let out a little chuckle as he positioned himself behind
Louis, peering at the animals over his shoulder with a welcome
hand on one of his hips.
“Oh for cute?” Harry asked in pleased disbelief. His dimple was
deep, somehow adding to the wryness of his tone.
“Oh.” Louis huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes. A touch of
embarrassment heated his cheeks at the realization that all it took
was the sight of a cow family to turn him into a grandmother from
Western Minnesota. “Yeah,” he laughed again. “People say that
all the time back home -—” he cleared his throat, “back -— back
in Minnesota.”
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“Much more efficient,” Harry conceded, highly amused.
Louis glanced up at him again when his gaze still didn’t waver,
enjoying the view of his jawline from such a close angle. “What?”
Harry shrugged, absolutely glowing and biting his bottom lip over
a massive grin. “Oh for cute,” he said, not taking his eyes off
Louis.
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Louis would have waited to say it. Louis would wait to say it back,
but having it out in the open already made it feel sort of inevitable.
Like maybe it was already the truth. He felt so much for Harry,
he didn’t know what to do with it all. So he closed his eyes and
swallowed thickly before going up on his tiptoes to give Harry a
kiss. Everything was so scary and wonderful, all at once.
“Do you wanna go in?” Harry asked, nodding toward the pen after
giving Louis a kiss on the cheek in return.
“Can we?”
“Sure.”
Harry eased the gate open and they picked their way through the
bedding over to the sleeping cattle as quietly as they could. Louis
followed Harry’s lead, crouching down next to the calves and
reaching out to pet them with a tentative hand. There were pieces
of straw covering them both.
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Louis made a small sound just at the thought, even though he
knew he shouldn’t be anthropomorphizing quite so much. It was
hard.
He gave a teary laugh, wiping at his face, when he saw the way
Harry was looking at him as he knelt in front of Sally and Paul.
His face was full of emotion, love for Louis and Jolene and the
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calves shining out of it. Louis started to laugh even harder when
Harry began to sing to the cow.
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Harry shrugged, his eyes twinkling. “Well, she’s already borne
you two children.”
Louis threw his head back and cackled, pushing at Harry’s strong
shoulders in objection. “They’re just as much yours as they are
mine,” he said, rolling his eyes and giving Harry a pointed look.
“Don’t think I don’t know you’re going to favor Sally, Harry; she
got your nose.”
Harry let out a full-bodied chuckle and then looped his arms fully
around Louis’s waist, pulling him in so he could press his face
into Louis’s belly through the Carhartt jacket. Louis’s heart
constricted powerfully, wrenching in his chest. Heady,
intoxicating happiness crested inside him, the most intense it had
been since Harry had come back to the ranch from Niall’s. It made
his skin heat up and his extremities tingle, his pulse pounding.
The words were right on the tip of his tongue. Right there. He felt
so much for Harry. He wanted so much with him. But there was
fear surging up inside him too, as the strength of his emotion
forced him to acknowledge the precariousness of their situation
for the first time since they’d gotten out of bed.
I can’t do my job anymore. Not when things are like this. Not
when this is how it will be. Now that we’re -—
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“I’m…” he whispered. He pulled Harry’s head away from his
body slightly, so he could look down into his face again. “I’m
going to have to tell your mother, Harry. That -— that we’re
together, now. I should disclose what’s going on…”
Harry’s lips twitched into a smile upon hearing Louis say that
they were together out loud, and Louis felt a corresponding zip of
happiness run through his heart.
“No,” Louis said, holding up a hand to cut him off. “No, I want
to do it. It’s my responsibility.”
“All right,” Harry said, reeling Louis into a tight, comforting hug.
They stood together for a minute just breathing each other in,
Louis’s head resting on Harry’s chest.
“Sleep?”
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Harry nodded.
They bent down to say goodbye to the cattle, giving each cow one
last pet and a kiss and their love, and then headed over to the ranch
house to climb back into bed. This time, Louis was asleep before
his head hit the pillow.
Louis blinked awake at some point in the evening with the sort of
satisfied, bone-deep heaviness in his limbs that creeps in during a
long sleep. He’d needed the rest, and so had Harry. But when he
rolled over, the other side of the bed was cold, torn sheet of legal
pad paper crinkling under him. The feeling of extra weight fled
from his body in an instant, replaced by a sudden rush of
adrenaline.
Beyoncé is in labor!
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There were big, dorky hearts drawn all around the neatly-lettered
words. Louis smiled and sucked in a breath as he pressed the piece
of paper against his chest, warmth flooding through him. He felt
as though he’d been hooked up to an electric main. A jittery finger
traced what Harry had written, and Louis imagined him waking
with bleary green eyes to a text from one of the ranch hands,
sneaking out of bed, anxious to get out to the barn but taking the
time to pen the message carefully, without scribbling.
Harry Styles loves me. Louis gulped, heart rabbiting in his chest.
He felt the humming energy kick up a notch, a surge of emotion
bursting out from his core to the tips of his toes. He wondered
where his nerves were coming from, the shakiness in his
fingertips. I’m not scared of loving him, he thought, stubbornly,
his thumb grazing over the corner of Harry’s note, curling it under
as he stared at the words. I’m not. But there was a veil of dread
hanging over the evening anyway, a sort of hollow, dry ache in
his chest. Oh, God, he thought, as his sleep-slow brain finally
caught up with his hyperalert body. I’m scared of Anne Twist.
That was it. The source of the tight, twisting anxiety that was
snaking its way through all the rest of the positive emotion in his
chest. Louis had to call her. Of course he had to; he’d already
made the decision. He was just -— just scared.
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He forced himself out of his bed and into the bathroom. He could
hear Mrs. Burden doing the laundry down the hall and a truck’s
engine revving outside, tires crunching in the gravel drive. Bonnie
put up a loud bray. Some wranglers were eating in the kitchen,
drawling male voices and the clink of silverware on plates. All
the normal sounds of the ranch house on a Sunday evening.
Normal, Louis thought, bouncing on his toes as he washed his
face, sky darkening like a bruise in the window to his right. When
did I start thinking of this as normal? He tried to remember what
it had been like his first few days, when he had been perpetually
grumpy and out of place, but he couldn’t conjure up the memory
of the feeling anymore.
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office, the tips of his fingers were numb and his throat felt oddly
stiff when he tried to swallow.
The worst part was not knowing how bad it was. Or how soon
he’d have to go back to Denver. He didn’t want to leave, not
now… Fuck. Just the thought of it was like a punch to the gut.
Louis shook his head, steeling himself, feeling like his body was
cracking open with nerves as he reached for the phone. Anne’s
cell number was written on a Post-It along with other important
contacts, taped to the wall just below the bookshelf, and his finger
shook as he pushed the old-fashioned buttons on the base of the
telephone, hearing the different electronic tones in the receiver.
“Harry?”
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“Um…” Louis started, his voice cracking. Great, he thought,
good start. A-plus. “It’s Louis actually. Uh, Louis Tomlinson?
The paralegal you sent to Wyoming about National Energy
Group’s land purchase, which you know, of -— of course, you
know that. And before you say anything,” he continued, clearing
his throat quickly and barrelling on, “Yes, Harry and I are
together.” His nerves spiked, the immensely awkward premise of
the phone call causing him to begin to over-explain. “We weren’t
before the benefit. Now we are. You must have guessed, but…”
He began to pick at the plastic phone cord, not wanting to hear
Anne answer him, scared of what she was going to say. His hands
were shaking. “Now I’m, uh, disclosing our relationship.
Together. Officially.”
There was a pause, and then Anne began to speak. Her smooth,
assured voice only made Louis feel more nervous. “Mr.
Tomlinson, I -—”
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hysterical laugh as he punctuated the statement with a nervous
flutter of his hand.
“Mr. Tom-—”
“Selling that land would break his heart,” Louis interrupted, “and
that is the last thing I want to happen. The last thing. I’m -— I’m
in love with him.”
Anne let out a low sigh. “Mr. Tomlinson,” she said after a long,
tense moment. “I’m afraid I didn’t hear any of that.” Louis’s heart
sank. “It’s so difficult to get a solid connection out there…” He
almost groaned with frustration, digging the heel of his hand into
one of his eyes as he thought bitterly about having to repeat his
whole speech.
“I can only assume,” she went on, her crisp words reverberating
through the receiver with perfect clarity, “that what you’ve been
trying to say is that you’d like to take your two week vacation.
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Paid vacation, to which you are entitled as an employee of this
company.”
Then the line went dead. Louis held the receiver away from his
ear for a moment and just stared at it, as if he expected it to explain
to him what had just happened. Then he gave a soft, hiccuping
laugh and dropped it down into the cradle, limbs feeling lighter
than air.
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He wandered out into the dining room, where the pendant lights
above the long table cast a warm glow on Paul, Hank and Niall.
They were sitting, eating some of the perpetually available chili
Mrs. Burden kept in a slow cooker on the counter during calving
season and having an animated discussion about the betting pool.
Hank sat forward, hitching up his pants, and pointed a thick finger
back at Niall. “Well I just don’t remember betting on Beyoncé,”
he said, his western twang becoming even more pronounced. “I
specifically said Angela Davis. I said Angela and I meant
Angela.” He looked like he was two seconds away from calling
Niall “son” in a patronizing manner.
“What’s going on?” Louis asked. He drew a hand through his hair
as he walked up to the bench, sliding in next to Niall and stealing
a slice of chili-spattered cheddar cheese off the side of his bowl.
The slight spiciness tickled his tongue pleasantly.
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Niall snorted and thumbed across the table at Hank. “This bastard
bet on Beyoncé to be the last heifer to go into labor. Now Harry’s
out there delivering her calf, and he’s trying to wiggle his way out
of it! See?” He passed his phone to Louis, where the words Hank
-— Beyoncé -— last to go were clearly catalogued near the top
of a long list of bets.
Hank pushed his empty bowl away, crossing his arms casually
across his broad chest as he rocked back in his seat. “Who’s
wigglin’?” he scoffed. “I told you to put me down for Angela
Davis.”
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Hank smiled with satisfaction as Niall angrily changed the bet in
his phone, and Louis couldn’t help the low giggle that bubbled up
from his chest. He squeezed Niall’s shoulder in solidarity.
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Harry came over, Louis’s stomach fluttering with each step, and
dropped his hands onto Louis’s shoulders like a heavy,
comfortable weight. He began to massage them. “Hey, babe,” he
answered, hunching down to whisper it in his ear as he moved his
hands over to squeeze the sides of his arms. “You called her?
Everything all right?”
Louis turned his head and nodded, and for a moment it felt like
they had put up a screen, created a private little space for
themselves even as the others looked on. “Tell you later,” he
murmured, smiling softly.
Niall’s hands were clasped together over his heart like he just
couldn’t contain himself, and it made Louis feel inexplicably
happy. He was practically vibrating with excitement on the bench,
grinning so widely at the pair of them that it looked like his face
might split in two. He reminded Louis of how Bonnie looked
whenever she was about to ram her head into someone with joy.
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“That’s… That’s the best!” Niall said, finally, all complaints
about Hank’s bet forgotten as he dropped his phone onto the table
with a clatter and stood up to embrace them both awkwardly.
“Congrats! Oh boy, I’ve gotta call Mags.”
“I called her on my way back from the barn,” Harry said, with a
grin.
Niall tapped the side of his head with a finger. “My wife,” he said.
“Very smart. Very perceptive.” Harry snorted again.
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Hank and Paul stood up to go do the two-hour check of all the
pregnant cows, clapping Harry on the back on their way out and
giving Louis friendly nods of approval. Niall bolted down the rest
of his chili and followed them. Harry and Louis were alone in the
darkened dining room.
Louis felt rather than heard the low laugh that started in Harry’s
belly and made its way slowly up to his shoulders. “She said
that?” Harry seemed amused by his mother but was also hunching
in on himself, cringing slightly, as if he were a little embarrassed
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at the thought of her having indirectly referenced sex in a
conversation with Louis. He let a tight laugh out of his throat.
“God, Mom.”
Louis just giggled, and let Harry rock him back against the
counter. “I think it’s a good idea,” he shrugged. “If you’re up for
it.”
Harry nodded. Louis heard his stomach growl and felt his body
sag even more. He tapped Harry twice on the ass and stood him
up.
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Harry frowned. “The sheets…”
“Screw the sheets. You need to lie down and you need food. Then
I’m going to massage you, naked. Full-body massage.” He dug
his fingers into Harry’s sides, just below his armpits, and gave
him a little, tickling preview that caused Harry to shoot up straight
at last. “Get going,” Louis said, and turned to gather napkins and
a bowl.
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Louis bent down and kissed him on the side of his mouth, fingers
running through his loose, curly hair. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too.” Harry smiled sleepily, and Louis could see a
shiver run through him. He scooted up to the headboard, drawing
Louis in under one of his arms as he reached for the chili.
He felt Harry shrug as he balanced the tray on his knees. “It’s nice
in here, I guess. Smells like you.”
“And the sheets are only 180 thread count, so I don’t care if I
spill.”
“Fuck off!” Louis pinched Harry’s abs lightly to feel them flinch
and kissed his shoulder.
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about Beyoncé’s new calf. He had a shaggy, tawny coat, bright
eyes and a lot of energy, apparently. Harry laughed softly as he
described the calf’s first steps, taken too fast and too eagerly.
“Fell face-first right into her udder,” Harry grinned. “Good aim.”
After the tray was set aside, Louis rolled Harry over onto his
stomach and stripped his clothes off. When they were both finally
naked, he straddled Harry and stared for a long moment at the
pale, gorgeous expanse of his back. Harry wiggled his bum
impatiently, almost unseating him, and Louis could see the hint
of his smile where it was pressed into the pillow. He shifted
positions, clamping his thighs down tightly on either side of
Harry’s hips.
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knots in Harry’s shoulders, rubbing and pressing kisses down his
spine.
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Louis began to tremble. “Babe,” he whispered, lifting his head
and staring into Harry’s dark eyes.
Louis couldn’t do more than gasp, and hope that Harry saw the
question in his eyes. The concern that he felt beating right in the
center of his heart even though he needed to come so badly he
thought he might explode with it.
“No.” Louis felt the word rip out of his throat. He shook his head
vehemently, and he could feel how hot he was all over now -—
he’d broken out in a sweat. God, it felt like it had been years since
he’d been one hard tug away from orgasm, and Harry was still
teasing, using his thumb to softly massage drops of precome out
of Louis’s slit. Louis’s limbs were jelly, and he was quivering all
over, unable to think clearly. But he knew this. He knew the
answer to this. “Never,” he said. He shook his head again. “That
would never happen.”
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“You sure?” Harry asked softly. He heaved himself into a sitting
position, gathering Louis up into his arms and petting his hair.
“Because it’s easy to say that. I mean, I would understand. I know
it’s -— it’s not ideal for someone like you. Me being so… so
inflexible. I’ve already made my life out here, and…”
“I’m telling you I’d miss it,” Louis said. He was starting to calm
down, head a bit clearer even though he could still feel the fire
edging over his skin. He kissed Harry once on the mouth and
stared into his eyes. “I’d miss all of it if I had to leave.”
Harry nodded, a different sort of smile playing over his lips now
-— shyer, because it was more hopeful. “Okay then,” he
whispered.
“I love you,” Louis said. He didn’t stop to think as Harry put his
big, rough hands on him again, didn’t consider that there were
things he would miss in Denver, too. Zayn, for one. Hopkins-
Harrington going to trial, for another. Then there was law
school…
He let Harry bring them both off with a few hard, feverish strokes,
let himself curl up next to him, holding him as his breaths slowly
evened out, and didn’t remember that any of it existed.
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Every day that week, Louis woke up alone in bed. Calving season
was in full swing now, the busiest time of year at the ranch, and
everyone was working around the clock. Harry had set up his own
bedroom as a dormitory for the ranch hands, with blankets and air
mattresses and extra toothbrushes in his ensuite. Every
conversation was about which cows were dilated or which calves
needed new bedding, coffee was flowing freely and Harry was
perpetually tired but joyful, like his soul was being nourished
even as he was pushing his body to work hard. Niall put up a big
whiteboard in the dining room to keep track of all the new calves,
and meals generally included light squabbling about the names -
— Dorothy Parker or Hermione Granger, Alan Turing or Jackie
Chan, whether naming calves after tennis players with good
calves was a good idea or not (an overtired Roby insisting that it
definitely was). There was always someone trudging in from the
heifers’ barn or the nearby pasture, exhausted and ready for a
shower, a bowl of chili and a nap.
This was the part of calving season Louis got to see on Monday
and Tuesday. The backstage scene changes, the downtime that
felt like it was borrowed time before another big push began.
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Harry allowed himself the luxury of staying off nights, and came
in at sundown every evening to wrap himself around Louis in the
shower.
Louis dug his fingers in, sighing a little in relief at finally getting
to touch Harry again after a long day of missing him. He just
wanted to breathe him in, his apple-scented shampoo and his
vanilla soap, mold his body into Harry’s and stay under the warm
water forever.
“I feel like now that you’re my boyfriend, I’m seeing you less
than ever,” Louis said.
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harder and scratched at his scalp. “I’m dating a cow midwife,” he
shrugged. “It’s the path I’ve chosen.”
Harry blinked his eyes open all the way, breaking into a huge grin
as he leaned down to kiss Louis on the mouth. His hands took a
hard hold of Louis’s biceps, his tongue insistent on the seam of
his lips and Louis yielded, with a flash of heat low in his belly at
how dominant Harry was being. After a minute or so of burning,
unchaste kisses, Louis managed to push Harry off and catch his
breath. “Christ,” he muttered, smiling as he blinked a couple
droplets of water off his eyelashes, “you must really need the
help.”
Harry let out a noise that was halfway between a snort and a
whimper. “Have you really not noticed yet how much it turns me
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on when you want to learn about ranch stuff?” He was gazing at
Louis darkly, completely serious.
Louis let out a half-surprised laugh, feeling his eyebrows dart up.
“Like when you taught me how to lasso?”
“Jesus.” Harry shifted his weight, running a hand through his hair
as he looked Louis up and down pointedly. “That was traumatic.
I thought I was going to die.”
Louis bit his lip over a grin and mock-pushed Harry’s bare chest.
“Ridiculous. Ridiculous, Styles.”
Harry leaned into his touch, waggling his eyebrows. “Maybe you
could hold some rope again for me, sometime.” He paused, and
then added, “Oh for hot.”
“Shut up!” Louis laughed, feeling his body settle into a flirty
stance, and he knew his eyes were shining.
The rest of the week was spent in the barn, where Louis was put
to work as a go-fetch, hauling in food and fresh bedding, mucking
out the old and occasionally assisting Harry, Paul, or Dr. Christine
with a birth. It was hard, occasionally unpleasant work, but it was
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worth it to be around Harry all day, to experience what he was
experiencing. Louis slowly became an expert at the little jobs, like
mixing mineral-rich grain in with the cows’ feed and handling the
heavy manure fork. He was tired, dirty, and so happy to be
helping that he couldn’t keep a smile off his face. Breaks were
spent with Jolene and the calves, snapping pictures and recording
more video than his phone could store.
And every night, he and Harry laid each other out in the guest
bedroom and gave each other a thorough massage before sucking
each other off.
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“We’re going to one of the gyms,” Harry said, laughing at Louis’s
expression and rolling his eyes fondly as he killed the engine, “not
the pool.”
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“You gonna be okay in there?” Harry asked with a glint of
amusement in his eye. He settled a hand on the back of Louis’s
neck, slotting his strong thumb in right behind his jaw and
rubbing gently.
Harry scoffed out a laugh and then kissed Louis on the forehead
before they hopped down out of the truck. “Well, I guess you
should just lead the committee next year, Mr. Big Ideas.”
Louis grinned, his cheeks hot like they always seemed to get
whenever someone implied he would still be around in the future.
He gave Harry a bit of a once-over as they started heading toward
the building’s front doors. “I guess I should…” he drawled, his
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eyes still lingering on Harry’s long frame in an exaggeratedly
lascivious way. He raised his brows twice. “I know exactly what
to put on the promotional posters.”
God, he thought, his heart too big in his chest as Harry opened the
door and guided him into the YMCA. Obviously he has the
perfect outfit for this. Obviously. How can I ever get enough of
him?
They both started to smile as they entered the lobby and the faint,
familiar scent of chlorine wafted over them.
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“It’s only ’cause the pool’s right there,” Harry pointed out,
nodding toward the large observation windows at the far end of
the entry space, past the vending machines. “It, like, permeates
the glass.”
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skirts. Every so often his hand flexed on Louis’s back, like he was
leading him through the square dance steps in his mind.
Louis couldn’t help but smile, looking around. A bank of the old
wooden bleachers that lined one wall had been pulled out for the
small amount of spectators, and he quickly spotted Liam Payne
among them. Long tables covered in waxy, checkered cloth and
the occasional vase of plastic flowers had been set up, presumably
for the spaghetti dinner that was going to be served in an hour or
so. Almost everyone was in their finest square dancing attire.
Louis was glad Harry had forced him to wear one of his shirts,
even though it was much too big.
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“There she is!” Harry said after a break was announced at the end
of the song. A large woman with tightly-curled gray hair made a
beeline over to them from across the dance floor and pulled Harry
into a quick hug.
“So this is your young man, Harry?” she asked, smiling at Louis
when they pulled apart. A happy thrill shot down Louis’s spine
when Harry slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him
close.
“Yes, it is,” Harry said, the evident pride in his voice making
Louis blush. “This is my boyfriend, Louis Tomlinson.” He
beamed down at Louis. “Louis, this is Dottie Llewellyn, my next
door neighbor.”
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wasn’t exactly what he’d expected, physically. If she was over
eighty, she was in incredible shape -— robust in a broad, soft-
bodied sort of way, and taller than he’d imagined. The sharp-
minded air of authority she projected was no surprise, though, and
when she arched a critical brow at Harry’s description of her as
his “next door neighbor,” Louis started to laugh.
It was Dottie’s turn to roll her eyes, but she let out a rumbling
laugh as well. “Much better, you smart aleck.” She turned to
Louis and leaned in like she was about to disclose a secret. “You
probably noticed by now, but Harry thinks he’s quite the
comedian, just like his grandma.”
Harry was shaking his head but laughing along with Louis and
Dottie. His happiness over getting to introduce them was apparent
on his beautiful, flushed face, and Louis got another heart-
lurching thrill from seeing it, love tingling out to his fingertips.
He had to stop patting Harry’s hand so that he could hold on and
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squeeze, pressing even closer to his side. He’d been so caught up
in the little world of the Lonely Rose that it hadn’t fully dawned
on him that this would be their debut as a public couple.
“Well, it’s lovely to finally meet you, Louis,” Dottie went on,
Louis murmuring his agreement before she turned back to Harry.
“You gonna dance the next one with me, then? Art’s already
getting antsy.”
“All right, I’ll go let him know,” Dottie said, peering around the
room as she looked for her husband. She glanced down at her
watch. “See you in a bit…”
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They spent the next five or ten minutes milling around the gym,
Harry guiding Louis everywhere and introducing him to so many
expectant faces he could barely keep track of names. It was a little
overwhelming, but Harry kept Louis close, a comforting hand
never straying too far from his lower back.
Harry just grinned, puffing out his chest. “I think you’ll find I
thrive under pressure, and delight in an audience,” he said primly,
nodding hello to Liam before he walked away. He cast Louis
bright-eyed glances over his shoulder until he reached Dottie.
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“Yeah,” Louis chuckled, patting Liam right back, “but I’m only
telling you because of our official friendship.”
“What an honor.”
They fell quiet as the music began, Art’s voice coming out
through the speakers loud and clear. “Now, bow to your partner…
Bow to your corner… Join hands and circle left for a little while!”
The dancers were in motion. Louis was laughing right away,
because of course Harry was thriving. He was completely
committed to giving it his enthusiastic all, shining like a bright
beacon of not-quite-perfect technique. It was wonderful.
The acoustics of the gym were such that they could talk without
being a distraction to the dancers, so Louis leaned into Liam and
said, “Harry’s a bit of a show-off, huh?”
“Oh, nope,” Liam said, smiling, “she’s got a shift at the hospital
this weekend.” He pointed to the square that was second-closest
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to them, made up entirely of children, all of whom were
completely adorable in their dancing outfits. “That’s my son,
Jake, in the blue,” his smile widened, “with the curls.”
“Yeah, he is!” Liam said, clearly proud. They watched for a little
while in silence before Liam spoke again, his tone thoughtful.
“You know, he might not be dancing at all, if Harry wasn’t such
a show-off…”
Louis gave him a quizzical look, and Liam chuckled. “Just, Jake
was all excited about dance class. He wanted to do tap and ballet
and I dunno what they call it? Modern Interpretive? But then
some of the other boys in his kindergarten class were teasing him
about it. About the girly costumes -—” He rolled his eyes. “Can
you believe that stuff starts so young?”
“Yep, it is. Anyway, I was tellin’ Harry about it at the saloon, and
he told me he’d started up the Jeans and Queens square dancing
club again, since he got back to town. Said they had free beginner
lessons for all ages that should probably be promoted. So, long
404
story short, he put on a fancy square dancing shirt ’n went around
to the elementary schools,” Liam made a circular motion with his
hand, “doing a demonstration. Suddenly all the little boys wanted
to be just like the cool dancing cowboy that Jakey knew.”
Louis shifted his gaze back over to Dottie and Harry’s square and
watched his radiant boyfriend promenade with a proud, straight
back. His chest tightened with love.
Liam let out a slow breath and shook his head, rubbing at his
buzzed hair. “You know, the truth is, a few years ago, ’fore I met
Harry, I might not have been encouraging Jake to dance myself,”
he frowned. “Sequins were not something my dad would have let
me put on…”
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and I’m more concerned about the football ’cause of all the
concussions.”
Over the past decade or so of his life, Louis had given a lot of
thought to the ways that families and communities -— makeshift
and otherwise -— come together and how, over time, they
sometimes fall apart. He’d thought about how his parents’
marriage had deteriorated slowly and steadily until there was
nothing left. Or how he, Zayn, and all of their college friends had
seemed to own the city of Madison their senior year, having the
time of lives right up until graduation, and how just six weeks
later they’d all moved away and the magic that had made it home
was gone. He’d spent the majority of his twenties intentionally
making himself the temporary factor, with Americorps and the
Peace Corps -— always dropping in somewhere and then getting
out. And that hadn’t been a bad thing. Louis felt proud of the work
he’d done and the lives he’d touched. But now he was seeing first-
hand how during that same time period Harry Styles had been
making himself a constant, instead. That what Harry had been
building up around him in Sheridan was not at all limited to his
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ranch. Of course it wasn’t. Liam’s story about his son, the way
everyone in the room -— young and old -— seemed to look up to
Harry and be happy to see him, made it sink in how important a
person like Harry could be to a place like this, how positive his
influence could be. He’d become a vital and wonderful part of a
community he was completely committed to. It was suddenly
more starkly obvious than ever, how much Louis wanted to be
part of it. How proud he would be to be a constant in Harry’s life.
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date that Harry would ever have, throwing himself into
socializing and beginner’s square dancing with a genuine and
boyish enthusiasm.
By the time they ducked out at around 9:00 pm, waving goodbye
to everybody, Louis was slightly sweaty from all the do-si-dos
and promenades, flush-faced from laughing, and so in love he
could barely see straight. He felt loopy from it, heady from gazing
at Harry in silence as they walked down the slightly dingy
linoleum hallway, and from Harry gazing back. When they burst
through the front doors of the YMCA, the cool night air felt
perfect against Louis’s heated skin, almost like it was soothing
his love delirium somehow. Grounding him a little, in a positive
way.
“You have a good time?” Harry asked, as they reached his truck.
He scuffed a boot through one of the sprays of sand that still
dotted the parking lot, left behind like glacial till from when all
the snow had melted earlier in the spring. His expression was soft
and happy -— he already knew the answer to his question.
All Louis could do was nod emphatically, still smiling with stars
in his eyes, while he backed him up against the passenger door of
the Ford and kissed him urgently, letting out a sigh of sweet relief
as their lips came together.
God.
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Alone, finally. After all those hours of Harry being so wonderful
and looking so gorgeous just out of reach, Louis could really
touch him again, just like he wanted to.
“Shit,” Harry gasped, his breath hitching when they broke apart.
Harry blinked down at him, slack-jawed, his pupils blown and his
nostrils flaring as he breathed out heavily through his nose. He
seemed slightly stunned by how fervently Louis had kissed him,
all hot and opened-mouthed and a little demanding.
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“I love you, too,” Harry whispered, clearly touched as he
smoothed Louis’s hair back off his face and kissed his forehead.
“My little square dancing machine.”
“Take me home?” Louis asked, not even realizing he’d called the
ranch home until Harry’s eyes went a shade darker and he nodded
gravely, fishing the keys out of his pocket and unlocking the truck
so that they could climb inside.
Harry laughed as he started up the engine and pulled out onto the
street, sighing happily as Louis’s fingers continued to play against
his scalp. He reached for Louis’s right hand at the first stop sign
and didn’t let go, controlling the steering wheel with one hand
when they started moving again. “You’re right. They said at the
dealership. ’Comes with celibacy bucket seats. Standard.’ Wasn’t
an issue for me at the time…”
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Louis let out a laugh of his own, but it faded away when Harry’s
large thumb started to sweep over the back of his hand, drawing
swirling patterns and figure eights on his skin. Every slow, simple
caress sent a new pulse of arousal shimmering through him, and
he could barely breathe.
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his cock was moving to the surface of his skin. Like all of his
capillaries were engorged too, pulsing along with his thudding
heart, and he was in danger of passing out from the lack of oxygen
getting to his lust-addled brain. He was so attracted to Harry he
almost felt ill from it.
“Are you all right?” Harry asked, after he threw the truck into
park outside the house and turned to see the state Louis was in.
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“We’re gonna have to be quiet.” Harry nodded to the left, where
Hank and Niall and Roby’s trucks were still parked in a row
beside them. They were probably all sacked out on air mattresses
in Harry’s bedroom, but Roby was a notoriously light sleeper, and
they’d be getting up to check the cows for signs of labor every
two hours anyway. Louis felt another flash of heat run through
him at the idea of Harry having to bite down on his fingers for an
entirely different reason.
Louis rolled his eyes at how moved he was by it all, sighing and
shaking his head. “Let’s go.”
They pulled off their shoes by the front door and then made their
way across the living room together without flicking on a light.
Louis went first, Harry’s big hands light on his shoulders as he
followed behind. He giggled softly every time Louis made a
misstep and then swore under his breath when he clipped his own
ankle on the leg of an end table, almost overturning a lamp. That
set Louis off as well, so they huddled in the middle of the living
room hugging and snickering for minute before they were able to
pull themselves together.
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They broke into another muffled fit of giggles when they shut the
door to the guest room behind them and Harry tackled Louis onto
the unmade bed in the dark. It was only after they’d been stretched
out that way for about a minute that their eyes completely
adjusted to the lack of light and their laughter died away. Harry
gazed down at Louis with a sober expression on his face and
Louis was so happy, it felt like a balloon had been over-inflated
in his chest.
“Please.”
All of the crackling urgency from the truck came rushing back,
and they stripped out of their square dancing clothes, knocking
elbows into heads and knees into hips before they were finally
naked, spread out on the rumpled sheets. Louis was flat on his
back with his head propped up on a pillow, and Harry lay next to
him, up on one elbow, drinking him in.
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Louis instead. It was another desperate kiss, almost like Harry felt
too much to know what to do with all the emotion. Louis
completely understood.
Louis had spread his legs subtly. Harry moved to kneel between
them, opening Louis up with tender, skillful efficiency until Louis
was squirming back against his hand and trying to regulate his
erratic breathing.
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“Yeah -— yes,” Louis gasped. He turned his head to the side and
craned his neck so that Harry could give him a heated, open-
mouthed kiss. Then he heard him roll on the condom and slick
himself up. “Just like this.”
They were still kissing as Harry pushed slowly inside, letting out
a low, rumbling groan of pleasure when he was finally settled
flush against Louis’s arse. “Oh my God, Louis. Fuck.”
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down on his lip to keep from crying out, the occasional moan
escaping anyway. His prick was trapped against the sheets, and
he began to rut down on the bed in time with Harry. “Love you
being here.”
Louis moaned Harry’s name, coming all over his fist and
trembling as he rode it out. Harry held him through it with a strong
arm braced around his narrow chest, lowering them both back
down onto their sides before he finally eased out.
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“Was pretty good,” Louis slurred, blinking at Harry as he
watching him tidy up, tossing the condom and wiping at his jizz-
covered hand with a tissue.
The next day was going to be Jolene and the twins’ last day in the
semi-isolation of the horse barn. Dr. Christine had been watching
their progress closely, and had deemed all three of them fit to
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rejoin the herd of cows and their new calves out in the near
pasture. They couldn’t wait too long, Harry had told him, because
social units were already beginning to form -— “little calf-y
kindergartens,” he called them, groups of newborn calves already
playing, tumbling on the grass and licking at each other before
falling asleep together inside a circle of protective mother cows.
Sally and Paul had been much more active lately, showing their
readiness to play outside in the sun, too.
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He snapped one last picture, and for a fleeting moment wondered
if he should send it to his own mother. That would be a shock, he
chuckled. They’d last talked on the phone about a week before
Louis had been unexpectedly relocated to Wyoming, and he
distinctly remembered saying something to her about being a
“city boy at heart.” He’d been standing in line at Starbucks on the
16th Street Mall in his shiny shoes and his sharp suit at the time,
proud to be paying four dollars for his regular morning mocha.
He rolled his eyes at the memory of himself. It was all an
affectation he’d been putting on, temporarily immersing himself
in another culture the same way he had since leaving home, only
that time he’d thought it would stick. That he’d found himself,
finally. Found out where he wanted to be. And it wasn’t like home
at all.
There was something about the barn that felt like home, though.
Some sense memory from Louis’s past in rural Minnesota that
made him feel a little more real, a little more in touch with
himself. He bit his lip and slipped quietly over the gate, settling
down for a few moments next to Sally and Paul, watching them
finish their meal and flop into the hay together, nose-to-tail, to
take a nap.
The filtered sunlight and warm animal musk permeating the air
were making Louis feel a little drowsy himself. He put his head
back against the side of the wooden pen and closed his eyes,
rolling his slightly sore shoulders and thinking about Harry in his
fancy square dancing outfit. Saw him leading Dottie Llewellyn
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around the gym floor, do-si-doing and allemandeing left. Maybe
next year… he thought. Maybe next year it’ll be me.
“You’ve got wood rot all around the sill timbers,” someone was
saying. “That’s not as easy as a roof repair.”
“You don’t think we could hold off one more year, though?”
Harry answered.
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“You know we can’t,” Niall snapped. “It’s borderline unsafe to
keep the horses in here right now.”
Harry didn’t answer right away. Louis blinked himself out of the
little state of shock he was in, hearing this. He knew things were
financially tricky, he’d picked up that much during his time here,
but Harry almost never let it show just how much he worried. And
Niall always, always supported him. He’d been 100% behind
Harry every step of the way as both a friend and an employee.
That was what had Louis almost paralyzed -— the idea that even
Niall might disagree with the way Harry was handling things.
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that would make all of this go away.” Louis drew in a low breath,
not daring to move even an inch as his heart began to thud. “I
know you know that,” Niall added quickly. His voice was getting
shaky; Louis could tell he was still trying to be understanding
even though he couldn’t help the frustration he was obviously
feeling. “But if you go into debt again and something else goes
wrong, some sickness in the stock, or maybe the market cycles
down… I mean, you’re going to have to lay people off. Your
friends, Harry.”
“I get it,” Niall said. “It obviously means a lot to you to keep the
land. But I just -—” he made a pained sound as he cut himself off.
“It’s all of our lives, too. And I just can’t believe that you
wouldn’t even think about selling. That’s all.”
Louis heard him turn on his heel and walk out through the big
square door into the sunlight, saw the top of his hat as he went by
Jolene’s pen. Harry left a few moments later, out the smaller door
at the other side of the barn.
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And he’s not telling me things, he thought darkly, as he finally
stood up and dusted himself off. He’s not telling me.
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Chapter 7
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Harry’s friendship with Niall was so old, and in some ways so
private, that Louis didn’t want to disturb the workings of it. Louis
thought that inserting himself into the disagreement that was
brewing between them would feel too much like brushing off the
hay Jolene still liked to cover Sally and Paul with when they lay
down to sleep -— too invasive, too bold.
Louis turned away when he saw Harry stalking across the front
yard to the trucks a few moments later, shrugging his jacket on.
It was getting late, and there was a sharp smell in the air, like
someone had started a bonfire out on the land somewhere. Louis
leaned the fork up against the side of the barn, putting Niall out
of his mind as he jogged over to Harry.
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His expression softened a touch when he saw who it was. “Hey,
baby,” he said, twirling his key ring around and clasping it in his
palm. “I’ve gotta go into town. Out of disinfectant for the OB
equipment, apparently. And toilet paper.”
“Give me your keys,” Louis said, snatching them from his hand.
“Text me what to get.”
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because I want to do it. And I wouldn’t mind a change of scenery
from the barn, anyway. Might stop by Liam’s for a drink.”
“But…”
Louis shook his head at himself as he was saying it, but Harry
snorted and gave him a little smile, relenting. He dropped a kiss
to the corner of Louis’s mouth and told him to head to Walmart,
that he would text him a list on the way.
“No problem,” Louis said lightly, climbing up into the cab of the
truck. He shot Harry a pointed glance as he adjusted the seat
forward.
“Go,” Louis said, fluttering his hand, waving him away. “Go, go
-— do something fun.” He almost added the words “with Niall,”
but at the last moment decided not to, purely because he didn’t
want to see Harry’s dimples disappear. I am a pushover and a big
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softie, he thought to himself as he turned on the engine and put
the truck into reverse.
Harry waved after him as he started down the long drive. Louis
kept glancing in the rearview, hoping to see him walk over to
where Niall was still leaning on the fence, watching the herd. But
Harry just turned and went straight back to the house,
disappearing inside as Louis passed under the Lonely Rose’s
wooden crossbeam. Louis sighed, wondering how long Harry and
Niall could really stay mad at each other. The problem is, he
thought, they both seem like people who like to stew a little. But
it was no use mulling over the situation; it would just tempt him
to stick his nose in, and he really wanted to avoid that.
The drive into Sheridan seemed short, but that was probably
because the sky was a gorgeous lavender color, dotted with small,
pink-tinged clouds that seemed particularly far away. Louis
almost got lost in the scenery, the city lights rising out of the
gently waving grasses like stars. He pulled into the Walmart
parking lot and hopped out of the truck, humming lightly as he
checked his phone. Harry had sent him the brand name of the
heavy-duty disinfectant he needed and told him that they hid it
way in the back, behind the automotive section. Toilet paper was
apparently left to Louis’s discretion.
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Cause you don’t want to damage the goods, Harry answered.
430
There was a look of strained nervousness on her face, like she was
the one who’d been caught doing something illicit.
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herself. Louis didn’t hesitate before he stepped forward and
wrapped his arms around her, giving her a big, warm hug.
“Congratulations,” he whispered.
“Thanks,” she said, with a wet laugh. “I’m sorry… I-I don’t
know…”
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“Yeah,” said Maggie, regaining some composure and chuckling
at herself as she bent to pick up the pair of booties she’d dropped.
“We just found out a few days ago. I’m just barely -— like six or
seven weeks. Big surprise! I think it was, uh…” she scratched the
back of her neck and contorted her face, trying not to break into
hysterical giggles as she hung them back up on the rack, “that
night after Liam’s.”
Louis just giggled at her, shifting his weight to one hip. “Don’t
ask me.”
She groaned again. “I’m a mess!” she cried, eyes wide and a little
panicky. “I’m supposed to be getting bread and orange juice!”
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Louis held out his arms and she accepted another hug, sighing
against his shoulder as he rubbed her back. He tried to imagine
what it would be like, knowing you had a child growing inside
you -— your child -— and he felt a weird flutter in his own
stomach. God. Getting to be a parent… The sharp thrill of it
almost took his breath away. “Well, I’m sure you don’t need
nipple shields,” he said, hoping his voice wouldn’t crack as he
tried to sound comforting. “At least not yet. And if you do
eventually, that’ll be okay too.”
“Mood swings are no joke, huh?” Louis asked, giving her one
more tight squeeze before letting go.
That made Maggie chuckle. “For the love of Christ,” she said, her
head suddenly darting up, “don’t you tell Harry.” She poked him
in the shoulder and Louis flinched back. “And don’t let on to Niall
that you know, either, because no one’s supposed to know, not
for a few more weeks, just in case. It’ll just stress him out even
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more. Please.” She looked at Louis with a serious expression on
her face, vulnerable and fierce and open. “Please, promise.”
Louis nodded. “Of course,” he said. “Of course I won’t, not if you
don’t want me to.” He mimed locking his lips and flicking away
the key.
Louis felt his lips being tugged irresistibly up into a grin. “I guess
it is. How many do you have with Harry?”
“Oh, thousands,” she answered, lightly. “But not this one. This
one’s you and me.” She placed her hand across her belly again,
and Louis took a deep breath as it hit him how special this was.
How years from now, if everything went well, he and Maggie
would remember this and laugh together. How if it didn’t go well,
Louis would be there to support her. And how no matter what, he
was no longer the newest member of the group.
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rolling her eyes. “If anyone makes a heifer joke, I swear to
God…”
Louis hummed a little laugh. They hugged one more time before
parting ways, and Louis quickly found the disinfectant Harry
needed, lugging two gallons of it up to the front of the store, along
with a big package of the fluffiest toilet paper he could find.
He didn’t glance at his phone again until he was out in the truck.
Louis.
Louis.
Then Harry had sent a selfie of his grumpy face, candles lit behind
him on the edge of the bathtub. Louis felt his heart flip over.
436
than one little kid running around the ranch as he pulled out of the
parking lot.
“Can I ask you something I’ve been wanting to know since I got
here?” he said, quietly.
He felt Harry shift under him, heard the water swish and gently
lap against the sides of the white porcelain tub. Harry put a damp
hand up to the base of Louis’s neck, threading through his hair
and rubbing lightly. “Of course,” he murmured. “Ask anything
you want.”
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continued to languidly massage Louis’s scalp, heart beating calm
and steady beneath him.
Louis lifted his head, and peered into Harry’s eyes. They were
dark in the dim light. “The real reason, is what I mean.”
He lifted his eyes again, and found Harry gazing warmly at him,
the corners of his mouth twitching up into a smile. “Have you
ever ridden a horse?” Harry asked.
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Louis arched an eyebrow. “Is that… relevant?”
“Yep,” Harry said, giving his ass a tiny squeeze. “I was going to
say something about how the beauty of the land is marred by
motor vehicles, and to understand it you have to experience it
naturally, blah blah blah, but to be honest, I’ve really just been
wanting to get you up on a horse. In cowboy boots. Feet in the
stirrups.”
Louis felt Harry start to harden again beneath him, prick rubbing
up against his belly. “Really?” he sighed, skeptical eyebrow
arching further. He couldn’t help smiling with pleasure at the
thought of Harry having fantasies about him.
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“Yesss,” Harry whined, encircling Louis with his arms and
thrusting up against him for emphasis. “Yes, really.”
Louis ducked his head into the crook of Harry’s neck, delight
bubbling in his stomach. “Okay, then,” he whispered.
Anticipation skittered across his skin. “A picnic sounds great.”
The next day was warm, but windy. Louis walked out to the old
wooden barn to see Harry saddling up two horses. He looked like
the very picture of a cowboy in the bright sunlight just outside the
wide-open barn door -— Stetson on his head, long curls brushing
his collar and well-worn boots scuffed and a little dirty. Louis
stopped and watched him for a moment. He was deep in
concentration, making sure that the cinches were adjusted
correctly around both horses’ girth and that the saddle blankets
were lying flat. Louis felt a burst of love in his heart for the way
Harry was always so thoughtful and careful in his treatment of
animals. And people, really. Though they were trickier.
Especially lately.
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“Howdy, peaches,” he said, shoving his thumbs into the
waistband of his jeans and affecting an exaggeratedly bow-legged
walk up to Harry. The cowboy boots Niall had lent him that
morning were almost the right size, and so broken in that they
didn’t rub anywhere.
Harry looked up from the bucking cinch on the last saddle and
grinned widely. “Hey,” he said. He snorted when he saw how
Louis was jutting his chin out as he did his cowboy walk in a
circle around the horses. “What are you doing?”
Louis perked up, mouth open with his smile. “Ha!” he cried,
triumphantly. “I’m good at every cowboy thing I do!”
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Harry rolled his eyes, still giggling. “Then riding this horse
should be a piece of cake,” he said. “Her name’s Bee.” He
finished with her saddle and turned his head to address her. “You
don’t have to go easy on him, Bee; he’s a real buckaroo.”
Bee stamped and swished her tail as Harry gave her a soft pat on
the neck and went to put a pair of beat-up canvas saddlebags on
his own horse. Louis let out a muted scoff, looking up at her with
a bit of apprehension. He wasn’t scared, exactly, but the raw
power of the animal in front of him -— the muscle rippling under
her well-groomed, chestnut coat, and the heavy weight of her
hooves -— was a bit intimidating.
Louis was still staring when Harry came up behind him again.
“She’s pretty old,” he said, encouragingly. He gave Louis’s
shoulder a squeeze. “Don’t think she could break into gallop if
she tried… Most she’ll do is be a big pig about stopping to eat the
saltbush.” Louis felt himself relax a touch under Harry’s hand,
which was now lightly rubbing the base of his neck. He nodded,
squaring himself and jutting out his jaw. He could do this. Be the
cowboy you want to see in the world. Harry handed Louis a riding
helmet made of scuffed pink plastic and dotted with peeling
smiley face stickers.
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“Sure it is,” said Harry. “It’s Maggie’s; I found it in the barn. Rose
and Roy gave it to her when we were in high school, back when
she was learning to ride.”
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Harry rolled his eyes and shrugged, face coloring a touch. He
readjusted his Stetson on his head. “Definitely. Always.” Then he
cleared his throat and knitted his eyebrows, patting Louis’s thigh
one last time before he backed away. “Now, about the reins…”
“She’ll just follow after me and Artax, though. You won’t have
to do much but hang on.”
Louis nodded sharply, and waited for Harry to hop up on his own
horse, which he did with grace and ease. The lines of his body
seemed to flow naturally with the animal. Like Louis had thought
before -— the very picture of a cowboy.
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spurred his horse into a walk, leading them out to the dirt track
beyond the split-rail fence.
Louis thought it was a bit like being at sea, the sway of the horse’s
back under the saddle as she calmly followed Harry and Artax.
The wind and the gentle rocking was instantly calming -— much
less alien than he’d imagined it would feel. The main thing to get
used to was the height. Louis felt exposed and a bit precarious,
looking down on the grasses swishing by, the fence posts that
only came up to about his knee-level. There was a bit of a nervy
twang in his gut with every slow lurch of a step, and it was
exciting.
The sun shone down on them as they made their way west,
following the little creek before eventually crossing it and striking
out over the flat range. The ranch’s grazing land was just starting
to look rich again, after the winter. Louis breathed in the fresh
smell of it with deep, cleansing lungfuls. He could almost taste it
-— it was almost nourishing, actually, compared to the stale
office air he’d left behind in Denver. Seemed like a person could
live on it alone.
445
the pasture had given way to rocky scrubland. They were at the
base of the mountains, by the old cabin, and Bee was suddenly
lurching off course, moving with slightly quicker, more focused
steps. She put her head down to munch on a bush.
Louis huffed and tried to wrench Bee away from the saltbush
again, to no avail. Harry jogged over to his rescue, putting a hand
on the horse’s neck and whispering soothing things to her as he
gently eased her around. He led her over to Artax with a hand on
her bridle.
Harry’s hand was tight on his waist again as Louis’s feet hit solid
earth. He felt disoriented for a moment, like a sailor getting his
land legs back. His knees were oddly floaty as he took his first
few steps, a little soreness creeping up the backs of his thighs. But
the sensation was gone after a few moments, and he turned around
to find Harry looking at him fondly.
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“That was cool,” he said.
447
Harry was kneeling over their picnic, grinning as he got out the
plastic cutlery and a couple of thermoses of lemonade. “Yeah,”
he shrugged. “They built it together. Right after they were
married.”
Louis felt like all the breath had been sucked out of him, the small
revelation prickling out over his skin like static. He locked eyes
with Harry, and slowly sat up.
Louis crawled over to him, and gently brushed his fingers over
one of Harry’s forearms. “And that’s why you don’t want to sell
it?” he murmured.
448
the story about how they got married three weeks after their first
dance.” His tone wavered, and he shrugged, wiping at the corner
of his eye with his thumb. “My father was born here. Practically
my only -— my only memory of him is him trying to teach me to
fish in that stream.” Harry lifted an arm to point at the sunlight
glancing off the water. “I’ve always daydreamed about bringing
my own children here and doing the same thing with them.
Telling them about their great-grandparents. It’s the place that
means the most to me in the entire world,” he said. “And drilling
is so destructive, Louis. It would just… They’d raze it. It makes
me ill. It makes me physically sick just thinking about it.”
Harry huffed a wet laugh. “What for? I took you out here for a
nice picnic, and of course immediately I’m being all…” he made
an aborted hand gesture that Louis took to mean dramatic,
overemotional.
Louis shook his head. “I’m sorry I was insensitive,” he said. “I’m
sorry I tried to pressure you.”
Harry turned to him with a tiny smile. “Louis,” he said, his voice
full of warm reproach. “Do you have any idea how happy I am
that my mom sent you here?”
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Louis opened his mouth to argue, and then closed it again. He
shrugged. “Well, I guess I was pretty ineffectual.”
Harry laughed again and fidgeted with his hat, pushing it back
and drawing it forward again to shade his eyes. “That’s not what
I mean.”
He felt Harry nod slowly. “I’m probably an idiot for trying to hold
onto it,” he muttered. “’S just a cabin… Just a stream.”
Louis didn’t say anything, just started to stroke his hand up and
down Harry’s arm.
450
course that’s a very convenient argument for her. Maybe she does
have a point, I don’t know, but I just… I just didn’t want to hear
it.”
Louis thinned his lips and blinked a couple of times, staring at the
empty cabin. “Wouldn’t have even occurred to me to say.” He felt
Harry’s hand on his leg, his searching eyes trying to read the
expression on his face, and Louis turned to him. “My parents got
divorced right before I went to college, and it was the worst thing
that ever happened to me.”
“Nah,” Louis shook his head, shrugging it off. “It’s just that I’m
just beginning to realize that I dealt with it by breaking all of my
ties. Like, I felt like I didn’t have a family anymore. That I didn’t
belong anywhere. So I kept, I don’t know… wandering.”
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Harry started to rub Louis’s leg, soft up-and-down movements
that were both a comfort and a tease. “Well, I’m glad you
wandered here,” he murmured.
“I just -—” Louis broke off, trying to figure out how to say what
he felt. He wanted a sense of family back in his life so badly, all
of a sudden. He wanted what Niall and Maggie had. What Harry’d
had with his grandparents. “I think…” he began, carefully, trying
not to be overwhelmed with bittersweet memories of the little
house in Long Prairie. “Now that you’ve explained it. I just all of
a sudden thought… If my childhood home still meant something
to me, I’d want to keep it, too. You shouldn’t have to sell. You
really shouldn’t.”
Louis watched him, mind drifting back to the barn, the argument
he’d overheard. I’ve been talking to the bank about the loan…
They’re going to give me a really good interest rate. Louis had
done a bit of surreptitious research about the cattle market on his
laptop, double-checking to see if he thought the plan Harry had
outlined to Niall would be viable. The market seemed to be
holding strong. We’ll be fine! Harry’s voice echoed in his head.
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Louis tried to quell the part of him that worried -— that had
worked for a large corporation, that knew what men like Walter
Mohs were like.
… We’ll be fine.
They ate, and drank lemonade in the sun as the horses grazed. The
mood became considerably lighter, Harry more optimistic as he
talked about how all the new calves were doing, how well Sally
and Paul were fitting into the herd. It almost stopped Louis’s heart
sometimes, how beautiful Harry was. Especially here, in his
element, smiling under the wide, blue sky.
Harry snapped a quick picture just as Louis closed his eyes and
planted a kiss on his cheek, trying not to grin like a goofball.
When he opened them to see how it had turned out, he couldn’t
help but laugh. Harry was beaming, cheeks slightly pink. They’d
gotten the cabin and the stream in the background.
453
Harry worked his jaw, a softer smile settling onto his face after a
moment. He tangled his fingers with Louis’s on the blanket, and
squeezed. “It’s a good one.”
Thank you for taking me here, Louis thought. Thank you for
telling me. In the moment, he was too shy to say it. Then Harry
was hopping up, packing the Tupperware away and talking about
how it was probably time to head back. They led the horses to the
stream to drink. Before he knew it, Louis was up in the saddle
again, feeling like an old pro.
“Dammit,” he muttered.
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He shifted on the bed, intending to just glance at the caller ID.
But when he saw who it was, he wiped his hand on the sheets and
picked up the phone.
Louis dropped the thing he’d been holding in his other hand. He
sat up quickly, brows furrowing. “Wait, what?” He wasn’t sure
why that news sent a little shiver of panic through him.
The sound of typing stopped, and Louis could almost see Zayn’s
fingers rubbing at the bridge of his nose under his glasses.
“You’re leaving on Saturday, right?” he said. “I’m coming to
replace you.”
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Louis was dumbstruck. Zayn? They’re sending Zayn? He
couldn’t see why it would be necessary to send an actual lawyer
out, especially when there was nothing to negotiate or discuss.
Something uncomfortable began to niggle at the back of his mind
-— the suspicion that if they were bothering to pay for someone
like Zayn to fly to Wyoming, it was a bad sign for Roy and Rose’s
cabin. “Harry isn’t signing, so…” he said at last, his voice going
a bit flat and defensive. “It’ll be a big waste of your time.”
Zayn was silent for a moment on the other end of the phone. “I’m
told it’s not a done deal,” he said. “I’m coming to take over.
That’s really all I can say.”
“Uh…” Louis drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping the white
cotton sheets around him for comfort. “Okay, then.” His body was
a flurry of mixed emotions. He missed Zayn and couldn’t wait to
show him around Sheridan, maybe take him to Liam’s for a drink
with Harry so he could properly introduce the two of them. But
the excitement at the prospect of seeing his best friend again was
tinged with a sick worry that Anne Twist and Walter Mohs were
plotting something. And all of it was overwhelmed by the sudden,
visceral realization that Louis had to leave Harry. Like, physically
leave him, soon.
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“Yeah,” Louis breathed, forcing out the word. “Excited to see
you, bro.”
Louis heard the call disconnect, and he dropped his phone onto
the mattress. Oh, God, he thought. A day and a half. That’s all he
had left.
They’d vaguely outlined the summer, talks that had been more
about reassuring each other than about actually planning. They
were going to trade visits; Louis was going to show Harry all of
his favorite places in Denver, and Harry was going to take Louis
on more trail rides with Bee. But long-distance relationships are
easy to talk about when you’re wrapped up in the other person’s
arms. They hadn’t discussed what was going to happen in the fall,
when Louis would inevitably be swamped and overwhelmed in
his first semester of law school.
457
So he pushed in too fast, biting his lip with the pain but not
bothering to slow down. He was slick with lube from his fingers,
tight and clean from the shower. “Fuck, fuck,” he breathed, when
he got the dildo halfway in. He rolled over onto his stomach to
find a better angle, ass high in the air and face pressed into the
pillow as he reached behind and started to move it. His arm was
aching before long, tears leaking from his eyes because he
couldn’t quite hit his prostate. Couldn’t get deep enough. It
wasn’t good enough.
“Harry,” he whimpered.
When he was good and ready, he kicked the dildo under the bed
and managed to dress himself with shaking fingers. He gingerly
tucked his stiff, leaking cock into his jeans, not bothering with
underwear. The way it pressed against the back of the zipper sent
continuous frissons of pleasure from his balls up to his stomach,
and Louis almost shivered at the thought of walking out of the
458
room in that state. He threw on one of Harry’s big flannel shirts
to cover the bulge, missing a few buttons in his haste to do them
up.
Then he timidly pushed the door open and walked out into the
hallway. Austin and Roby were eating a late lunch underneath the
calf naming board, talking about hoof trimming. Louis gave them
an awkward half-wave as he went by, and they nodded, Roby
touching the brim of his hat. Their conversation continued to
flow, and Louis let out a low sigh of relief when he made it past
them to the side door. It was only a short walk across the pasture
to the horse barn, and no one was in sight. Not even Bonnie.
“Baby,” Harry whispered. His hot breath fanned across the back
of Louis’s neck and sharpened his arousal; Louis felt a tingling
all through his chest as Harry slowly drew a hand down his arm,
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gently prising his fist from the handle. “What are you doing? Let
me.”
“Hello,” Louis said, softly, suddenly shy about what he was about
to do.
Louis shrugged, and teasingly lifted up the hem, showing off the
noticeable bulge in his pants. He ran a hand lightly across his bare
stomach, one finger dipping down to circle the button on his
jeans. He raised an eyebrow at Harry.
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Louis chuckled softly and nodded, beckoning Harry over to one
of the wide support posts near the center of the barn. Horseshoes
were nailed to it, all the way up to the rafters, and a faded wooden
sign that had been hand-painted with the words An Old Nag and
her Stud live here. Louis leaned back on it lightly, and caught
Harry’s eye. Then he slowly unbuttoned his jeans.
Harry was watching him with burning intensity. His hands were
up at his chest, squeezing at his biceps, and half of his bottom lip
was caught in his teeth. Louis felt Harry’s eyes flicking up and
down, up and down, as he lowered his waistband to let just the
pink tip of his cock peek out. Like Harry was trying to drink all
of him in at once, like he couldn’t ever get enough of him. The
thought sent an electric shiver through Louis.
Louis threw his head back and cackled in delight, almost hitting
his head on a horseshoe. Then he stopped teasing and slipped his
jeans off all the way to pool around his ankles. “Then c’mere and
fuck me already,” he said.
Harry snapped up straight, and covered the few feet between them
in two long strides. He took Louis by the waist and kissed him
461
hard, fingers gripping at his bare sides. Harry was still wearing
his work gloves, and Louis breathed in sharply at the feel of
roughened leather on his skin. He moaned into Harry’s mouth,
suddenly fully aware of the head start he had -— Harry was just
beginning to fatten up in his jeans, while Louis was already more
than halfway there.
“Oh god,” he breathed, closing his eyes and tilting his head back.
The smell of the barn was so thick and pleasant, and Harry’s
gloved hands were still kneading roughly at his waist. He felt too
warm already, almost overwhelmed.
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Harry pressed one single kiss to the wet tip of Louis’s cock before
he spun him around roughly. Louis gasped, bring his arms up and
crossing them against the wooden post. He turned his head to one
side, cheek pressing into his flannel-covered wrist, mouth slightly
open as he felt Harry paw at him.
Two thumbs pushed up under the meat of his cheeks and then
spread them apart. The feel of the rough, frayed leather on his ass
was distressingly erotic. Harry continued to play, running a finger
lightly up and down Louis’s crack, pushing his asscheeks together
and then letting them spring apart. When he finally spread him
wide, all the way open, Louis felt a bit of lube trickle out of his
hole, leaving a slightly itchy trail down to his balls. It felt like
he’d already been fucked and filled up, and Louis’s chest went
white-hot with need.
Harry’s nose brushed the top of his crack. “You smell so fucking
good, baby.”
“Just -—” Louis managed to say, and was cut off by the sudden,
heart-stopping sensation of Harry lapping at his rim. He drew in
a shuddery breath and tensed up, feeling himself spasm around
the penetrating tip of Harry’s tongue. Harry licked into Louis with
precise, flickering jabs that alternated between deep and shallow.
When he felt Louis start to relax and submit to the feeling, he
switched up his rhythm and licked slow, maddening stripes up
and down.
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“Fu--fuck, Harry,” Louis cried breathlessly, his voice on edge. He
was so turned on he wanted to scream. But he just whimpered into
his hands as Harry continued his ministrations, spreading his legs
slightly and arching his back into it.
There were tears in his eyes when Harry finally stood up, his
hands all over Louis’s back, up his shirt. “Condom?” he
whispered.
“Shirt pocket,” Louis said, his voice already ragged from the way
he’d been breathing through his mouth. His dick was so hard it
was starting to hurt.
“Plea-—” he started to whine, but didn’t even get the whole word
out before Harry buried himself with one hard, smooth stroke
aimed right at Louis’s prostate. His voice became an
unintelligible garble of sounds as Harry pulled back and did it
again. He was so hard; Harry was fucking him so hard.
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On the third thrust, Harry wrapped his gloved hand loosely
around the base of Louis’s cock, and Louis shot off without
warning. The barely-there roughness of the leather tickled his
shaft as he pulsed through it, Harry keeping still deep inside him.
Harry didn’t waste time pounding into him, moving his hands to
his hips for leverage. Louis’s breath was punched out of him in
little gasps, toes curling in his boots as Harry fucked him. It only
took about a minute and a half for Harry to empty into the condom
with a low, shuddering groan. He kept fucking Louis even after
he was finished, bringing it right up to the edge of painful before
he pulled out.
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splattered all over the post in front of him and started to laugh. He
pointed it out to Harry.
“When are you leaving again?” Harry asked suddenly, his head
snapping up. “I know it’s on Saturday, but when does your flight
leave?”
466
Maggie and Niall cut out early from Liam’s on Friday night, only
staying long enough for Niall to have about a pint and half before
they left. Even though Louis had said his goodbyes to the rest of
the wranglers after chili supper at the ranch (Austin, Roby and
Paul had opted for a relaxing night in, since calving season was
finally easing up), it wasn’t until Maggie and Niall were standing
up and shrugging on their spring jackets that it fully hit him. This
was it. He was leaving in the morning. He wouldn’t be seeing
either of them for quite some time.
Of course you’ll miss them, you idiot. You aren’t just leaving
Harry.
“Bye, Louis,” Maggie said. Her eyes were misted over when she
pulled back. Louis glanced down at her belly involuntarily and
smiled, jerking his head up to look at her with a wide-eyed
expression the second he realized he was being too obvious. They
both chuckled together quietly about how his overcorrection had
only made things worse. “Don’t worry,” she whispered. The din
of the bar had made their exchange private and her eyes flicked
over to Harry, who was still in the booth, brooding. “Doubt
467
anything’s registering with that one right now besides how much
he’s gonna miss you.”
“Oh, Lou,” Maggie said, laughing wetly. She tugged Louis in for
another hug, rubbing at his back. “I’m so glad you came.”
“Same,” Niall echoed, when she transferred Louis into his waiting
arms.
Niall cackled and nodded toward Harry. “We only learned from
the best!”
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Harry gave a weak smile when they all turned to look at him,
shrugging in acknowledgment. He’d only gotten more somber
since they’d arrived at the bar, and Louis’s heart lurched in his
chest again at the reminder.
“Yeah!” Zayn said, smiling and bobbing his head, his eyes
crinkling at the corners. He glanced up at Maggie. “Nice to meet
you!”
Zayn’s plane had landed an hour or so before, just in time for him
to check into the Sheridan Inn and meet up with Louis at the bar.
Maggie nodded back at him warmly before she and Niall gave
one last chorus of goodbyes and wound their way out of the bar
together, Niall’s hand on the small of her back.
“Well…” Louis said, sliding back into the booth and pressing up
against Harry’s side.
It was just the three of them at the table now, and the atmosphere
went a little tense. Louis couldn’t help but feel that it was mostly
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emanating from Harry, whose uncharacteristic reluctance to talk
was even more obvious in Niall and Maggie’s absence. Louis had
to tamp down a little twinge of annoyance. He knew Harry
probably wanted time alone together -— he wanted that too -—
but it was only 8:00 p.m., and they would have the rest of the
night to curl around each other in bed. He’d been hoping that a
somewhat neutral location like Liam’s would ease the
awkwardness of their situation a bit, because this was important
to him -— Harry and Zayn meeting. He loved them both so much;
he was so nervously eager for them to get to know and love each
other, too.
“Oh, you know, same old,” Zayn said with a shrug, easygoing as
always despite Harry’s storm cloud presence. God, Louis had
really missed him. “They upgraded Windows again, so Greg can
barely check his email right now.”
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them for over twenty-five years. Louis turned to Harry, about to
explain to him that Greg was constantly waving him over to his
desk and asking him to figure out the location of the file he’d just
saved because he was always accidentally putting them in odd
locations, like the Office Birthdays folder on the shared drive, for
instance. But Harry was just staring off at one of the Wyoming
landscapes Liam had on the wall, and Louis couldn’t really tell if
he’d even been paying attention in the first place.
Louis shook his head and glanced down at his drink, his heart
doing odd things in his chest as he thought about leaving. It would
be strange to be in an office again after having been in Wyoming
for so long, but he was actually eager for it now. Excited to get
back to his real life, and to start living with Harry as a permanent
fixture in it. They still hadn’t discussed much more than Louis’s
first planned trip to Sheridan, and he was suddenly lost in thought
about how they’d have to split time between Colorado and the
ranch until he graduated from law school.
Zayn brought him back to reality by smiling and raising his drink
a touch. “They’re putting you back on Hopkins-Harrington, did
you hear?”
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“No I did not!” Louis yelped, triumphant. He knocked his pint
glass against Zayn’s gin and tonic. “In your face, Nicholas
Grimshaw.”
Zayn started to laugh, rolling his eyes as he took a sip. “Can never
tell if he hates you or if he wants to sleep with you.”
“Well,” Louis snorted, trying to ignore the way Harry had tensed
up beside him. He put one hand on his heart as he adopted an air
of mock pomposity, the other still firm on Harry’s thigh. “Either
way, he’s most certainly jealous of my superior knowledge of the
UCC.”
472
“He’s gonna be at Boulder with you in the fall, right?” Zayn
asked.
“Yeah… oh, brother. I can’t wait to watch him lord it over the
other 1Ls about working at TwistCorp,” Louis said, doing his
own fond eye roll this time. Grimshaw’s pomposity wasn’t mock
at all, but Louis couldn’t help being endeared by it sometimes.
“What?”
“It was classic Vierstra,” Zayn said, taking another slug of his
drink, still laughing. “He called me up and was all like, ’Dude,
Dave’s gonna be in Denver in August and I saw Tommo’s starting
473
law school this year, sooo we gotta go see ’em! Last hurrah!‘ and
then he, like, waits and goes, ’You know… ’cause…’ All leading
and stuff.”
Zayn had been doing a voice for Vierstra the whole time, but he
really nailed it on the last line, adding in some of their friend’s
highly recognizable and exaggerated hand gestures. “’Cause
weed is fucking legal there now and I haven’t even visited!’”
Louis started laughing all over again. Vierstra had always been a
such a ridiculous character, someone Louis’d never have
predicted he’d be friends with, but who he couldn’t imagine his
college career without. He’d forced Louis and Zayn to go see
Dave Matthews Band with him every summer at Alpine Valley in
Wisconsin and was the kind of kid who was so regularly referred
to by his last name that Louis had been momentarily confused
474
when he and Zayn stayed at Vierstra’s parents’ house in Lake
Geneva one summer and his mother had called him “Mike.”
His mouth dropped open slightly at just how snide Harry was
being, how nakedly rude. His face went hot with embarrassment
and the hair on the back of his neck stood straight up as he turned
to look at him in horror. Harry just kept staring down at the drink
he’d barely touched, his brow dark. “Jam bands and legal
marijuana. A real paradise.”
What the fuck? Louis felt oddly close to crying all of a sudden.
Confusion and frustration piled on top of his already precarious
emotional state, and quickly turned into anger.
Zayn let out an uneasy chuckle, his eyes darting back and forth
between Louis and Harry. He somehow took it in stride,
shrugging. “Well, I’m not really into the stuff anymore now, but
I’m not gonna lie -— I’m always gonna love hearing Satellite
live…”
475
“Right, interesting,” Harry said, leaning forward over the table in
an almost predatory manner, his voice still dripping in sarcasm as
he nearly cut Zayn off. “What are the ethical issues there,
anyway? Can lawyers smoke in Colorado? Is that okay with the
bar?” Zayn was about to reply, but Harry barreled on anyway,
talking over him and waving a dismissive hand across the table.
“Probably the ethics don’t matter that much to you, though, huh?
Just find a loophole, make sure it’s okay with the law, and there’s
no problem, right? That’s what you guys do?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked, before Zayn had to
make any type of response. His eyes were roving over Harry’s
face as he tried to figure out what was even happening. How could
this be the same sweet man who’d kissed him so soft and slowly
in the shower before they’d left for the bar? Who had been so
gracious, when Louis had first come to town. “Where did that
even come from?”
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Louis turned to Zayn, his hands trembling and his heart pounding.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so -—”
“Nah,” Zayn said, waving him off and reaching for his coat on
the hook next to the booth. “It’s all right,” he continued, even
though it most decidedly was not. “Better get used to that shit if
you want to be a corporate lawyer, Louis.” He chuckled as he got
to his feet. “I’m just gonna -—” he thumbed over his shoulder
toward the door, clearly wanting to make a quick exit.
“Yeah, man,” Zayn said, rubbing Louis’s back. “See you soon?”
Louis stood at the end of the booth for several moments, trying to
take some deep breaths so he wouldn’t go literally dizzy with
rage. He didn’t know if he’d ever been so irate in his entire life.
His nervous system was in complete revolt, like he might have
entered a state of mild shock.
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“Let’s go,” he finally managed to spit out after a minute, unable
to even look at Harry all the way. He marched out of the bar
without waiting for him, feeling a renewed spike of righteous
anger when he realized this meant he wouldn’t be getting to say
goodbye to Liam. He was pacing by the truck by the time Harry
moseyed out, and his eyes narrowed even further when he saw
the faux-casual way Harry was twirling the key ring on his finger.
Harry just shrugged again. The only sign of agitation Louis could
see was the unsteadiness of his hand as he put the key into the
ignition.
“Are you kidding me?” Louis said. He took another deep, shaky
breath and turned to stare straight ahead at the windshield. His
478
chest had jagged shards of glass inside it, his throat closing up
with hurt as Harry’s behavior replayed in his mind and
humiliation washed over him. “Fine,” he muttered, on the brink
of tears. “Fine. But I want you to know there is no way in hell we
aren’t talking about this when we get back to the ranch.”
He jumped out of the truck and slammed his door behind him as
soon as they arrived at the ranch, speeding away from Harry
toward the front door. He wanted to pace around the house and
take a bunch of deep, pointed breaths before he acknowledged
Harry’s presence again, but being in emotional overdrive had
made him unsteady on his feet and he stumbled a little just before
he reached the porch.
479
“Don’t touch me,” he hissed, as Harry’s big hand closed over his
elbow, steadying him and sending another shock wave of fury
through his bones. “Don’t you fucking touch me, Harry.”
“I mean, did you forget -—” his voice broke slightly, and he was
barely able to speak above a whisper, the hurt in his breastbone
480
too strong. “Did you forget the part where that’s my -— that’s my
best friend?”
481
Of course I’ll be in Colorado.
“Both of you were!” Harry said. He gestured with his hands again,
his tone wounded but his voice still loud. “You were like, talking
about Denver and making plans… I didn’t think -— I didn’t
realize you were -—”
“Did you? Really? Because that’s not what it sounds like right
now!” Indignation surged up Louis’s spine and he took a step
toward Harry, jabbing his index finger at him as he spoke. He
knew he probably looked like a madman, spittle flying, but he
was so upset he couldn’t help it. “Right now it sounds like you
were under the impression I wouldn’t be going! Why would I
even be going back to Denver at all, if I’d given up on Boulder?
Not that being surprised about me going back there would have
given you the right to act the way you did!”
482
“I mean, what about all that shit you said before? About not
wanting to put me in an awkward position, not wanting to -— to
mess things up for me at work? What was that? Was it lip
service?” Louis was absolutely seething about Harry’s behavior
and the assumptions he’d apparently made, and he couldn’t keep
accusatory words from tumbling out of his mouth, even though
he still wasn’t exactly sure what was happening. “Do you just say
that kind of thing all the time so you can fuck somebody? Or -—
”
Harry made a sharp sound of disgust, his brow furrowing and his
jaw dropping open in outrage. He was standing in the soft glow
of the lamplight and Louis could see two hots spots of red form
on his cheeks and a flush crawl right up his neck. He immediately
regretted what he’d said, guilt piercing his heart, but he also took
a shameful pleasure in finally seeing visible proof that Harry was
as at least partially as worked up as he was.
“How could you even say that to me?” Harry asked after a beat,
his voice a dangerously low growl.
“I’m sorry,” Louis bit out grudgingly, his eyes still narrowed and
his face bright red with frustration.
“I’m not the one that has a history of commitment issues, am I?”
Harry asked, his tone turning a little vicious as he pressed a hand
to his own chest. “I mean, all the moving! All the indecision!
483
That’s you, right? Can you really blame me for thinking maybe it
might be the same thing with law school?”
484
“Well, that’s sure how it seems to me!” Louis cried, his voice
rising ever higher. He hadn’t been expecting this kind of upheaval
on their last night, not at all. He’d expected murmured I love yous
and slow, intimate sex. The whiplash was making him feel
precariously close to bursting into tears or breaking something.
His emotional keel was so off balance that he had an overly-
dramatic and fleeting thought about suddenly understanding
crimes of passion. “And to top it all off, you won’t even tell me
what’s actually happening with the ranch!”
“Well, I don’t need you to protect me!” Louis spat out. “I thought
you wanted an equal. A spouse. A real partner, remember? Now
it’s starting to seem like you just want to keep making decisions
on your own, for the both of us!”
“That isn’t why I haven’t -— I’m trying to deal with all of it…”
Harry was shaking now, looking untethered and overwhelmed. It
sounded as though a combination of tears and frustrated anger
was clogging up his throat as his voice came rumbling out, thick
with all of it, his gaze boring into Louis’s. “I was out of line at the
bar. I know that. And I’m sorry. I just! I felt stressed out to begin
485
with, just Zayn being here. I mean, I can’t help but worry about
what that means for the ranch. And then, you’ve -— you’ve talked
about how you’ve had trouble settling down, and you started
talking to him about -— I don’t know, all this stuff I had no real
idea about. And I suddenly got so scared… I felt, like, caught off
guard by it all. And like, well… how well do I actually know him?
If he’s going to law school after all, how do I know he’ll come
back?”
486
“Louis,” Harry choked out, making an aborted attempt to reach
out for him.
How did we get everything so mixed up? How? When I love you
so much. So much. And I thought you -—
Louis cursed and took a deep, jagged breath that was sticky with
the salt of his tears. He knew they needed to talk more, reassure
each other and fix it, but he was utterly drained, so exhausted that
the prospect felt like an impossibly daunting task. Like it wasn’t
even physically possible right now, not when they were both in
487
such heightened emotional states. He also didn’t think he was
remotely mentally capable of forgiving just yet.
“We should -—” he cleared his throat, wiping another stray tear
off his face. “We should go to bed. I have -— I have to leave so
early…”
Louis screwed up his face to keep from crying more, and reached
out to take Harry’s shaking hand in his own. “Come on,” he said,
leading him down the darkened hallway to the guest room.
They quickly shucked off their clothes and crawled into the
rumpled, moonlit bed, and Louis thought about how they’d never
made the switch to sleeping in the master bedroom, even after
calving season had slowed down. They both needed to start
thinking of Louis as a permanent fixture at the Lonely Rose, and
it seemed that they hadn’t quite achieved that yet.
488
still it felt like there were a thousand miles between them. So
much trust to build. But we will… We will work it out…
Louis had a brief moment of panic the next morning while he was
trying to trundle his roller suitcase out to his rental car in the weak
light. It was a bolt of fear straight to the heart -— that maybe
Harry wasn’t going to come say goodbye to him at all. He’d
woken up to a cold, empty bed, and Mrs. Burden had informed
him over coffee that Harry had been up before dawn, off to get an
exceptionally early start on mending a fence. But just as Louis
was swearing because he’d clipped his knee with the suitcase yet
again, he felt a warm palm on his shoulder and then Harry’s big,
gentle hands were taking the case and depositing it in the backseat
for him with ease.
This was it. Harry couldn’t come to the airport because he had an
early appointment with Dr. Christine about one his oldest horses,
and Louis stood next to the driver’s side door, clutching the keys
and willing himself not to cry. He didn’t succeed in the slightest.
He had to inhale deeply a few times before he was able to risk
looking Harry in the eye.
489
and all of his love. Louis kissed back with equal intensity,
clutching at Harry’s shoulders and hair, trying to measure and
memorize the exact weight and scale of his body one last time. It
was as charged as things had been in the barn a few days before,
but the apprehensive, bittersweet edge was razor-sharp this time.
Everything still felt so up in the air, too open-ended and
unresolved between them. So raw. It made Louis feel like his
heart was about to crack right in half, if he didn’t cling to Harry
for the rest of his life.
Their faces were damp from commingled tears when they broke
apart. Louis glanced down at this watch and saw that he really did
have to leave, almost right that minute, and he made an
embarrassingly loud snorting sound of choked-off despair. That
prompted a round of tepid laughter, which only made him start to
cry harder, and Harry was helpless to keep from hugging him all
over again.
“I’ll miss you so much, baby,” Harry whispered into Louis’s ear,
stroking his hair and rubbing his back. “So much.”
Harry’s tears had been coming slowly up to that point, but he let
out a sob in response, covering his face with one hand. “I love
you, too.”
490
Louis opened the car door with a quivering hand, putting off the
inevitable for just a few more moments. “I’ll text you when I land,
okay? Text me back. Please.”
“I’ll text you,” Harry said, turning to go. “I’ll call. I promise.
We’ll talk. H-have a safe flight.”
491
breaths before he slipped into the car, and then had to steady
himself yet again before he could bring himself to turn the key.
He was still leaking tears when he drove under the Lonely Rose
Ranch sign on his way out. The back of it read Come Again Soon.
“This isn’t the end,” he whispered to himself. “It’s not over. I’ll
be back.”
492
Chapter 8
The air in his living room smelled flat and unlived-in. Louis
thought about getting up and opening the window in his bedroom,
but after tensing his muscles once he gave up and sank further
into the couch. The fight, the goodbye that had ended too quickly,
493
and all the little annoyances of travel had exhausted him
completely, drained everything out of him and left only a hollow
ache. He felt like crying, but he didn’t have any tears -— an
emotional dry-heave.
494
unnerved. “I never leave good voicemail messages,” he went on.
He could hear the rasp in his voice from the lack of sleep, the
slight waver of honest anxiety. “Always awkward ones. It’s
because I’m bad at talking to myself, so please call me. The end.”
He lay there with the phone on his stomach for a while, gazing up
at nothing, at the corners of the room, the dust fur that had
collected on the blades of the ceiling fan. Harry had probably
turned off his phone and gone out to lose himself in ranch work.
Louis could see him on one knee out in the muddy pasture, grim
set to his jaw, ratcheting up the tension on the fence stretcher,
trying to keep the Llewellyns’ herd from invading. There’s a lot
to get done, Louis allowed. Always a lot to get done…
495
Louis felt his heart seize up with pain and sudden resentment. So
that was how it was going to work, this separation? Harry was
going to hold it against him that he had a life outside the ranch?
Louis let out a sound of disbelief as he unlocked his phone and
began to type furiously.
Just because I told you I was wandering before I met you, that
doesn’t mean I don’t have a life of my own. You built a life. I want
to build something too.
Louis started to type the words, then quickly erased them. It was
no use, really. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have in texts,
and he knew that Harry was hurting. He knew it intellectually, but
couldn’t help getting offended over and over again as he thought
about how Harry had just assumed so many things. You quit all
that other stuff, why wouldn’t you quit law school? Those weren’t
the exact words he had said, but they’d been at the root of his
thinking. It’s a lost cause anyway. Might as well quit your job,
too. I’ve got it all under control.
496
And meanwhile he doesn’t have to even try to adjust to me.” The
unfairness of it hurt his head, reverberated around his chest until
it was a screaming echo of itself.
Not slept with Harry, a dull voice answered him, but he dismissed
it.
497
He said he would text me. He promised. He said we’d talk. Louis
felt raw, like every breeze from the ceiling fan was too rough on
him. He just wanted to sit in absolute silence and stillness and not
have to process what was happening. Not yet, not when Hopkins-
Harrington was waiting at the office and his suitcase full of dirty
clothes was still sitting next to the door. He turned off his phone
with shaky hands and stood on his tiptoes to shove it under a big,
floppy LSAT prep book on the highest shelf of his bookcase.
Then he sat down cross-legged on his couch again, turned on the
Rockies game and let it take over.
He felt wrung out after nine innings. Dusk was starting to wash
out all the colors in Louis’s living room, and he groaned, rubbing
at his face. It was only 8:30, but he felt like going to bed. The
phone was where he’d left it and Louis strained, jumping slightly,
fingertips brushing it before he finally got it down and turned it
on again.
Nothing.
498
The suit felt surreal on him, Monday morning, as did the scent of
his cologne and lingering tingle of his aftershave. Louis pushed
briskly through the revolving door at TwistCorp. He was fifteen
minutes early, briefcase and coffee in hand as though it were any
other day. Terri Brend walked onto the elevator after him and
gave him a bland smile.
“Welcome back,” she said, before ducking her head and hunching
over her phone, typing something with one hand as her dangling
golden bracelets jangled together.
“Thanks,” Louis replied. The exchange had the same bright, fake,
perfunctory quality Louis had noticed in his first week on the job,
back when he didn’t know any of these people and they’d all
seemed to either be talking over him at each other, or down to
him, a little too straightforwardly. He shifted his weight and took
a careful sip of coffee.
499
staring at documents and researching cases, and “Tiny Dancer”
and “Walking in Memphis” were always played twice each at
their request.
The elevator doors opened and Terri flung herself out, taking a
sharp right in the direction of the break room coffee station even
though she had an empty, lipstick-smudged Starbucks in her hand
already. Louis stepped out more slowly. He gazed around at the
500
contemporary, cube-shaped wall sconces and conference rooms
paned with floor-to-ceiling glass. The carpet was maroon, a bit
luxe, all the swivel chairs real leather. Mahogany bookshelves
were stocked with handsome, bound volumes of state statutes that
no one ever touched because they were all online. Louis took a
deep breath, scratching his thumb over the tiny oval opening in
the plastic lid of his coffee cup as he started toward his office.
Everything looked the same, and Louis couldn’t figure out for a
moment why it all felt so different.
501
The man lifted his head and blinked just as Nick Grimshaw
breezed into the office, clapping Louis on the shoulder as he
bluntly shoved past him. “It was those Koch assholes,” he said,
waving his smartphone at the strange man before hunching over
his back, squinting at the screen as he watched him type, “and it
was a Department of Justice consent decree.” He smirked at
something the man had written, hand resting lightly on the small
of his back from behind, and then glanced up. “Hi, Louis.”
Louis shrugged, and finally settled for placing his briefcase on the
corner of the narrow office couch. He sat down awkwardly on the
arm and swung his leg as he waited for them to get off his
computer. “Yeah,” he said, lamely.
502
“Oh, but you actually liked it, though,” Nick said. “Right?
Seemed like you liked that rancher, anyway.” He forced out a
high chuckle and squeezed the strange man’s shoulder as he went
on typing. Louis felt his blood start to run a little faster, a little
hotter, and he found himself suddenly tapping his foot in a
strained rhythm. “Hope that’s not a sore spot,” Nick went on, not
waiting for Louis’s reaction. “Should I rethink the Great Divide
joke I was about to make? Please at least tell me you had a literal
roll in the hay.” The constant, toying sarcasm in his voice was so
affected, Louis had to grit his teeth to keep from snorting in
disbelief. People take him seriously?
The guy broke out into a loud, barking laugh at that, and held up
a fist for Nick to bump. He shook his head, muttering
“discretionary bonus” under his breath like it was some sort of
hilarious reference.
503
It all seemed so small now. Petty to the point of being ridiculous.
Louis abruptly stood up, leaving his briefcase on the couch. “Feel
free to use my computer, then,” he muttered, quiet anger in his
voice as he ducked out of the cramped office. It was anger at
himself, though. Because he was still wrestling with what he
wanted, and he didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t done the right
thing back in Sheridan, obviously, but he had -— Louis felt his
hands start to shake, and anxiety start to rise in his stomach -—
he had no idea what he could have done differently. Everything
had gone wrong, Harry wasn’t talking to him, and he had made
working here a priority? With Nick and Mick. Oh, fuck me twice.
He ambled toward the floor’s break room kitchenette, so caught
up in reevaluating the time he’d spent as an employee of
TwistCorp that he didn’t notice a light was on across the hall.
When he turned the corner and glanced up, his mocha venti
slipped right through his fingers.
“Shit, shit,” he gasped, hopping out of the way of the spill, hissing
as drops of hot coffee caught the left leg of his trousers and
puddled around his too-expensive shoes. He whipped his head up
again. “Zayn,” he said, voice cracking. “What the fuck are you
doing here?”
Zayn was eyeing him from the sink, where he was washing out a
mug, his shirtsleeves rolled up and his tie flipped over his
shoulder. He calmly dried his hands and tossed Louis the whole
roll of paper towels. “Got back last night,” he shrugged. He set
504
his mug in the drying rack and leaned on the counter, working his
neck a little and reaching back to scratch at the nape of it as his
tired-looking eyes rolled shut. “Harry signed, so.”
“Well…” Louis’s entire body felt weak, like all the strength was
being sapped out of it. Like if he didn’t heave himself up with his
disgusting handful of mushy paper towels right now, he’d
collapse onto the slick floor and just lie there forever in disbelief.
Harry didn’t give in, he thought. His head was spinning. No… He
wouldn’t! He wouldn’t just give up. “Did he… He knew what he
was signing?” he asked. Louis did manage to get to his feet,
squinting at Zayn with weak suspicion as he walked over to the
trash can. But worry was rapidly blooming into a sort of dawning
horror in his gut.
505
“Read the whole thing in front of me,” Zayn said. “He signed it,
Louis. He wanted to.”
“What?” Zayn’s voice seemed like it was coming from far away.
Louis powered past his own office, where Nick and the new
paralegal were still laughing at something -— probably him, God,
Nick’s laugh was so annoying -— and stopped in front of the
men’s room. For a moment he felt like he was going to be sick.
506
“Louis,” Zayn said, catching him by the shoulder and squeezing
lightly as he stepped in front of him. “It’s over. Harry signed the
contract of his own free will. He told me he wanted to sign it.”
507
quickly so that he was standing squarely in front of it, waiting as
it continued upward at what felt like an outrageously slow pace.
He turned his attention back to Zayn to keep from pressing the up
button again even though it obviously wouldn’t do any good.
“Are you sure you want -—” Zayn sounded hesitant and highly
skeptical of Louis’s semi-formed plan. Louis didn’t have time for
that, so before Zayn could say anything else, Louis reached out
and grabbed his badge without permission. The retractable reel of
thin nylon cord it was attached to unfurled with an audible little
zwip. Louis pressed the badge against the card reader next to the
elevator’s button panel before releasing it, letting it thwap back
against Zayn’s hip. “Something’s not right,” he muttered in a
weak attempt to explain himself as he punched at the button for
the executive suite with much more force than necessary, his
508
sweaty finger slipping off on the first try. Bile threatened to creep
up his throat. He wouldn’t… Harry wouldn’t sell… “Something’s
not right. And I’m going to -— I’m going to find out.”
“Louis…”
Zayn’s furrowed brow and concerned eyes were the last thing
Louis saw before the doors slid shut and the elevator began to
climb. His blood pressure rose steadily with each floor. Thirty-
five, thirty-six, thirty-seven… Harry, Harry, Harry. His pulse was
absolutely pounding against his eardrums by the time the elevator
finally came to a stop. Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty.
For a moment before the doors opened, the sensation that the car
was in motion lingered for Louis. The floor seemed to lurch
slightly beneath his feet, and his stomach heaved along with it.
He was thrown for a split second, suddenly feeling like this was
all a bizarre waking dream, and he wasn’t actually charging off to
his boss’s office to demand an explanation about a situation that
wasn’t technically any of his business.
509
clenched sharply at that realization. Even though his relationship
with Harry had felt so frustrating and unsure over the past couple
of days, there was a righteous, protective fire burning inside him
as he turned left and propelled himself toward Anne Twist’s
office. Harry is my business. He’ll always be -— he’ll always be
in my heart.
510
“Mr. Tomlinson?” Anne’s tone was incredulous when she raised
her head, looking at him over the computer screen she had been
studying, her famous brows arched above her eyes. She glanced
behind Louis momentarily, her assistant having followed him to
the doorway. She waved him away. “It’s okay, Alex…”
“How did you get him to sell?” Louis repeated, ignoring the
exchange. He wanted to keep his voice as steely as possible, but
of course it went shrill instead. He kept flushing hot and cold with
nerves, despite his best efforts to suppress them, wobbling in the
irritatingly plush carpet. He was suddenly overcome by an inane,
flickering notion about how maybe his ankles were weak.
But then a voice came from behind him, firm and cool. It was full
of unwavering confidence and laced with a touch of amusement,
and Louis’s rage came rushing back to the forefront with a shock
of heat.
“I’m not sure how that’s any of your concern.” Walter Mohs was
standing in the corner of Anne’s office, where one of the floor-to-
ceiling windows met the impressive bookcase that made up the
side wall, apparently having just ended a phone call. He was
immaculately groomed, everything about his person so sharp and
expensive-looking that it made Louis feel almost grimy in
511
comparison, like he still had dirt from the Lonely Rose under his
nails. And he always would.
512
The contract for the sale split the rights to the oil from the rights
to the land -— access to the minerals was severed from access to
using the surface property. But Anne and Louis both knew that
mineral rights trump surface rights, and that National Energy
Group could take drastic, potentially destructive measures to get
to the oil, especially given that Harry’s use of the land wasn’t
productive. There was definitely no nostalgia clause.
“Yeah, I’m sure you do,” Louis snapped, the hair on the back of
his neck rising in disgust. He turned back to Anne. “How did you
do it?”
Anne shifted subtly, like she wasn’t sure what to say. It was
Walter who spoke instead, in the same self-satisfied drawl as
before. “I think Mr. Styles’s decision to sign had a great deal to
do with the state of Wyoming discovering how valuable his
property really is.”
513
Louis went cold. He cursed under his breath, the blood draining
out of his face. Shit. Harry’s taxes. His goddamn property taxes…
The -— the loan. I should have -—
“So you helped them along with that discovery, hmm?” Louis
asked after a beat, looking back and forth between the two of them
with flashing eyes. Anne continued to regard him with a guarded,
unreadable expression, but Walter gave him a knowing smirk and
shrugged. Louis nodded steadily, fury building inside of him with
every bob of his head. “Just like you helped Harry out with that
original survey of his land, right? The one he never wanted to
begin with?”
514
“Oh, you can rest assured that we had Mr. Styles’s permission for
each and every geological study we did of that land parcel, Mr.
Tomlinson,” Walter said, coming up to sit on the edge of Anne’s
desk with an air of glib aplomb that made Louis want to punch
him in the face. “It’s all down in pen and ink.”
His rage plateaued inside him as he stared past Anne and Walter
to the brilliant, sunlit skyline beyond them -— at the city that had
been his home. He felt more out of place in that office building
than he ever had at the Lonely Rose, even when he’d first arrived,
and he finally acknowledged something he’d been
subconsciously aware of ever since he’d stepped onto the elevator
on the thirty-fourth floor.
515
“Louis -—”
“But I already know the answer to that, don’t I?” he went on, still
shaking his head. He brought a trembling hand up to his brow to
wipe away the perspiration that had gathered there. “I knew
before I even came up here. Before I even… It’s just business,
right? That’s the answer. Business. That’s why, and that’s -—
that’s what I’m just supposed to accept? What he’s supposed to -
—”
Louis cut himself off with another strangled sigh, a pang hitting
his heart as he swallowed hard and thought about Harry again.
About how things were between them at the moment.
516
“I quit,” he said, giving Anne a twisted smile and a final decisive
nod. “I’m done. I quit.”
517
the west. Louis had always thought it looked out of place -— like
a fully-rigged ghost schooner had run aground in front of the
Rockies. Now the sight of it was oddly invigorating, even if the
mountains behind it weren’t the right ones.
Finally there was a tinny ring, and Louis’s heart skipped a beat.
He took a deep breath on the second one, trying to calm his
nerves. ’S just Harry, he told himself. That didn’t do anything to
stop the anxious thrumming of his heart, or to untangle the knot
of emotion that seemed to have lodged itself behind his Adam’s
apple.
518
There was a long, sullen silence. Even before Harry spoke, Louis
could almost feel his hopelessness coming through the phone in
waves. “No point.” Harry sounded so defeated -— and like he
was putting a lot of effort into not feeling it fully, and failing. Of
course he’d fail at that, Louis thought. He feels so much. He has
the biggest heart…
“Stop, Louis,” Harry said. There was force in his voice, stinging
force that came from spite. “Just stop.”
The tears spilled over now, and Louis put a hand up to his face,
almost as though he’d just been slapped. His heart didn’t feel like
it was beating anymore. It felt like it was throbbing with pain
inside his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
519
He drew a shuddering breath and tried to get out the full sentence
anyway. “I’m so sorry about the cabin -— about the loan…”
Louis felt the protective fire in his heart flare up again, fed
simultaneously by annoyance at Harry for not having even tried
to ask him for help and fresh rage at Walter Mohs. “That’s when
you call me, Harry, and we work out a plan together!” he said.
“To fight it!” Louis was gesticulating now, pacing in front of the
TwistCorp building and staring at the sidewalk, not caring that he
was making a scene. “You can’t just give up!”
“I did give up,” Harry said, his voice wavering. “Okay, Louis?”
520
“Yes,” Harry said, his wet voice becoming snippy. “Yes, I know.
I’m an idiot. I can’t do anything right. Between you and Niall,
believe me, I know. I’ve got it.”
Louis gritted his teeth and closed his eyes for a moment, willing
himself not to yell. “That’s not what I’m saying at all, Harry,” he
replied. “I love you. You’re not an idiot. But look, if we think
together, we can -— there’s got to be some solution! We can
make him sign something so that he can’t touch the cabin or do
anything to the stream; I mean, you only sold the mineral rights -
—”
But then Harry said, “I just sold the land outright. All of it.”
“What?”
Louis felt like he’d been hit by a train. His brain blanked out, his
shoulders sagged, his limbs were like a deadweight all of a
521
sudden. As Harry’s words sunk in, he tried to search his memory.
The contract he’d slid across the desk to Harry on his first night
in Wyoming…
He heard a soft sound on the other end of the phone and knew
Harry was crying. “Walter Mohs is such an asshole,” he said,
finally, in a muffled voice. “He knew he had me cornered; he
could make me sign anything. And he, like…” Harry couldn’t
finish his sentence.
Harry didn’t respond. Louis just listened to him breathe for a few
moments, too stunned to say anything. Did Anne not know about
this either? he wondered. His mind was whirling, trying to come
up with anything, anything that would at least save the cabin. If
Harry had only let him know what was going on, if he’d only let
him look over the contract before he signed… Louis didn’t realize
he’d muttered that last thought out loud until he heard a sharp
intake of breath.
522
“Yes, well.” Harry sounded pissy, his voice clipped and still thick
from crying. “If there’s anything else you want to tell me I did
wrong…” Louis moved his lips soundlessly, trying to shape
words but utterly failing. “Okay,” Harry said. “I’ve got a ranch to
run.”
“Goodbye, Louis.”
The line went dead, and Louis stared down at his phone. I didn’t
tell him I quit, he realized, with a sudden stab of regret. He still
thinks I work for them.
Harry was vulnerable, and Louis had put him on the defensive.
He was probably telling himself that he was a failure… that he
had failed both of his grandparents and his father. He’d sold out,
523
but it wasn’t even his choice. Fuck, and he probably thinks he’s
going to lose me, too.
“No.” Louis set his jaw, crossing his arms across his chest. “No
way. No way does that ever happen.”
He tapped Harry’s contact again and held the phone up to his ear,
determined to tell him that he’d quit TwistCorp and was prepared
to examine every syllable, every punctuation mark in the contract
Harry had signed in search of a loophole. They were a team, Louis
was coming back to Wyoming, and they could still fight this.
Louis rolled his eyes and hung up, trying again. Voicemail.
524
Louis turned to find him frowning, tie limp and askew, his
beautiful face stormy.
Zayn rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you. Every time I think you
can’t possibly become more Louis Tomlinson, you do something
so classic Louis Tomlinson…”
Zayn sighed, and ran a weary hand through his floppy black hair.
“Stay here for a sec; I’ll bring your briefcase out to you.”
525
“Can you slip a copy of the contract into it?” Louis asked quickly.
“The one Harry signed.”
Zayn shook his head. “It looked pretty ironclad, like, I don’t know
what to tell you.”
“Yeah,” Zayn said, biting his lip. He looked at the ground for a
second, thinking things through. “I’ll cancel my afternoon. You
know, you might need the expertise of an actual lawyer.”
Louis snorted out a laugh and turned Zayn right around by his
shoulders, practically jumping up and down as he steered him
back toward the TwistCorp building. “Yes, I might,” he said,
feeling a fierce rush of hope.
526
A couple hours later Louis and Zayn were at Jossi’s, a cramped
dive on a side street a few blocks from TwistCorp. They didn’t
go there very often -— it was a basement bar, so dark and dingy
it almost felt like a crypt, but the gloom went a long way toward
making early afternoon drinking on a weekday seem less
inappropriate. So there they were, side by side in surprisingly
comfortable high-backed stools with an empty pitcher of beer and
the purchase agreement for the sale of Harry’s land on the bar
between them.
527
Zayn had been right. They weren’t going to find a loophole. There
wasn’t one. They’d gone through all ten pages of the contract line
by line, twice, and everything appeared to be airtight and on the
level. There wasn’t much wiggle room, if any. Louis’s body felt
heavier and heavier, his spirits sinking lower and lower as
disappointment settled in. He’d thought it was a long shot the
whole time, subconsciously at least, but he’d still needed to know
for sure. Needed to check, for himself and Harry. And now he had
and now he knew.
528
memory of Harry echoed through his mind, his voice at its slow-
rumbling, gravelly best.
529
somehow manage to resecure the surface rights and negotiate for
the drilling to be done at least partially on his terms.
“Well, I think the only option at all is the permits, really…” Zayn
said with a reluctant chuckle and another shrug, wincing at Louis
as he spoke, like he already knew it was a dead end idea. “I mean,
I don’t know how ethical it would really be, but from what I can
tell, Harry’s pretty -— like he’s pretty fucking tied to that
community. Pretty well-liked. He might -—” Zayn cleared his
throat. “He could maybe, I don’t know, like, use his influence to
block them somehow? The drilling permits? Then hold Mohs
hostage until he changed the terms?”
Louis sighed, long and deep, scrubbing a hand over his face. He
shook his head. Harry was charming and ambitious and
ferociously devoted to his ranch and to Wyoming. He had all the
right tools to pull off something like that. But he was also just so
damned honest. Too damned honest to even try, probably.
Especially after the fact. Fuck. Now we can’t even try it as a bluff.
Louis squeezed his eyes shut, feeling another residual stab of hurt
530
that Harry hadn’t consulted him about any of this beforehand. You
were working for them, he reminded himself, for what felt like the
thousandth time that day alone. He thought he was protecting
you… He didn’t think there was anything you could possibly do.
“You sure he wouldn’t go for it?” Zayn asked after a long enough
pause that Louis had nearly downed half his pint. He nudged
Louis with his shoulder as he ate some more peanuts. His tone
had gone lighter, a little teasing. “Seemed fairly hostile to
outsiders the last time I saw him.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Zayn said with a twinkle in his eye and
small smile on his face. “You guys got it worked out, though?”
531
Louis’s laugh was a broken whimper this time. His heart
plummeted to his feet, and he pressed the heels of his hands into
his eyes. “It’s all -— it’s all so fucked up, Zayn.”
“Can’t be too fucked up if you’re sitting here doing this for him,
can it?” Zayn scoffed in disbelief, nudging him again.
“I figured as much.”
Louis snorted in protest. “It was a big fight, okay? And -— and
nothing’s been quite the same since… Nothing’s -— nothing’s
right. He -— he -—”
Louis grimaced as the hurt and embarrassment that had come out
of the argument resurfaced, even though now he had a much
better understanding of how tenuous Harry’s emotional state had
532
been at the time. “He like, he sort of suggested -— more than
suggested -— I was a quitter. Like, he just thought I was going to
give up on Boulder and move out there! Be his little ranch
husband!”
“That was fear talking,” Zayn said, with a little shake of his head,
like he was completely sure of what he was saying. “When Harry
said that. It was fear talking.”
533
“I mean, you are the opposite of a quitter, Louis.” Zayn must have
seen Louis’s eyes darting around in confusion because he laughed
into his beer and set it down quickly so that he could elaborate. “I
mean that obviously, deep down, he was scared of losing you to
Colorado. He didn’t actually think you wouldn’t go to law
school.”
Zayn laughed again, pausing like he was trying to figure out how
to explain. “I mean, to be honest, I was actually really shocked
you wanted to start working at TwistCorp in the first place.” He
held up a hand when Louis’s jaw dropped in offense. “No -— no.
You don’t get it.”
534
“Okay, well, I feel like you’ve always had this idea that you’re,
like, I don’t know, rootless? Immature or something. Like, always
avoiding big decisions or whatever,” Zayn said, shaking his head
as though he disagreed.
Louis bit his lip, staring forward at the rail alcohol as Zayn’s
words washed over him, his cheeks heating up at the warmth and
admiration in his voice. His skin was tingling a little.
535
that department raffle that one time and I’m like all happy about
it? Like, TwistCorp, ride or die!”
“No! Fuck no, I’m not! I mean, I tolerate being a lawyer and
working where I do. That’s the truth. Do I like some of the people
I work with? Sure. Do I occasionally feel pretty good about the
work I’ve done? Eh, yeah, I guess so. Do I feel a deep-seated
loyalty to the company at which I am employed? No! I do not!”
“It is,” Zayn said with a quick little eye roll and a sip of beer.
“Very comfortable. That’s not that point. The point is, I don’t
know Harry Styles very well at all, but I can tell he’s dedicated
his life to something he can be proud of. It’s the -— the idealism.
You have that in common, in the best kind of way.”
536
Louis took a deep, shaky breath, powerful emotion welling up
inside him. These past few days had been so trying and
exhausting. He’d felt so adrift and so insecure, second-guessing
himself at every turn, and it hit him hard, hearing what Zayn
thought of him. What he thought of his relationship with Harry,
of its potential. Zayn wasn’t one to sugarcoat.
Louis nodded once, firm and decisive. He wanted Harry and the
Lonely Rose and everything that went with them, but he also
wanted something for himself.
Louis swallowed over the lump that seemed to have been lodged
in his throat since before he’d left Wyoming. He was truly and
537
thoroughly touched, and tears sprang to his eyes. “Thanks,” he
whispered, at last.
Zayn closed a hand over Louis’s shoulder and squeezed. “Just the
truth. You are a wonderful person, my friend. Harry is so fucking
lucky to have met you.” Louis let out another wet laugh of thanks
and Zayn broke into a slow grin, shrugging. “Plus he’s so loaded
now, you can afford to do everything pro bono.”
538
realization that they might really be rebuilding the heart of the
Lonely Rose. Where they learned to love each other. What a
wonderful task it might turn out to be.
Louis took out his phone so that he could stare wistfully at his
lockscreen, biting his lip. It was the picture they’d taken the day
of their picnic out by the cabin, and he actually got an
embarrassing little thrill just from seeing Harry’s face. So radiant
with happiness that tears threatened to re-form in Louis’s eyes.
539
“Cute,” Zayn said, his brow furrowed as he leaned over to look at
the picture. Louis blushed a little; he knew he’d gone a bit moon-
eyed. Both currently and in the photograph. “Is that out by the
property line, then?” Zayn asked, pointing at the tiny bit of the
stream that was visible in the background.
540
“Hmm?” Zayn asked, clearly confused by Louis’s sudden
intensity.
Louis grabbed Zayn’s wrist where it was now lying on top of the
contract. “Does it say… I need to look.” He rifled through the
document before landing on the title insurance, his eyes
absolutely devouring the print that covered the pages as he reread
it.
They spent the next fifteen minutes scouring the web together
after Louis explained, to no avail. The information Louis needed
was not on the internet. It just wasn’t there.
541
Zayn started to laugh, his eyes crinkling up at the corners. “I guess
you might as well head back out to Sheridan today, then,” he said,
squeezing Louis’s shoulder.
Louis’s blood felt like it had gone sour inside him. He was so
excited and terrified all at once, and he gulped several times in a
row, trying to get a grip on himself.
This could be it. This could be it. Oh God. You have to manage
your expectations.
542
“Go get ’im,” Zayn said, pulling him into a hug, and Louis felt a
vivid rush of love. For Zayn as his friend. And Harry. Harry as
everything.
Go get ’im.
Because even if this Hail Mary didn’t work out, that’s what he
was going to do. Louis was going to get Harry, at long last and
forever. Even if he’d be the one staying where Harry was for the
time being.
543
Chapter 9
Louis’s knuckles tightened over the end of the seat rests, his right
heel tapping as he stared out the window of the little commuter
jet. He wasn’t sure if the hollow ache in his stomach had more to
do with the physics of air travel or the nervous tension that had
been building inside him ever since he’d left Zayn behind in the
bar. Either way, he clenched his jaw sternly and tried not to hurl
with excitement.
544
Harry, he gulped helplessly as he felt the soft bump of the landing
gear meeting the runway. He drew a hand over his face and took
a deep breath. Oh, fuck.
He fumbled for his phone and turned it on, staring at it for a few
seconds and silently gnawing on his lip as he waited for any
missed notifications to come through. There was a text from Zayn
that said if orig deed not extant, try old gov survey maps.
Nothing else. Louis quickly brought up Harry’s contact and
pressed the call button, awkwardly pinning the phone between his
ear and his shoulder as he groped underneath the seat in front of
him for his briefcase.
Louis exhaled heavily and waited for the beep. He was irritated
by Harry’s apparent refusal to talk to him, and the slight
queasiness in his stomach amplified the irritation until it was
verging on fear. “Hi, Harry,” he said, suddenly, taking another
deep breath as he struggled to control his voice. “I’m in Sheridan.
I’m at the airport. I think I have an idea about what to do. It’s -—
it’s a long shot, but… Anyway, I tried to call you three times
545
before my plane took off in Denver. Oh, I quit my job. Uh, also.
So there’s that. Call me. Please.” He almost hung up, then. But at
the last second, his hand jerked the phone back up to his ear and
he added, shakily, “Pardner. We’re still… we’re still pardners,
right?” Tears threatened to well up.
546
Louis realized with a sudden, bubbling jolt of laughter that he’d
also been imagining movie applause during the kiss on the porch.
“Always so grandiose,” he muttered. It wasn’t going to be like
that.
The plane’s engine died and the seatbelt sign flickered off.
Louis’s mouth went dry. He breathed in sharply, butterflies
exploding in his stomach as he tried not to feel too hurt or too
nervous.
547
“The captain and crew would like to wish you a pleasant stay here
in Sheridan, Wyoming…”
His little rental car -— Louis wasn’t sure, but he thought it might
have been the same dusty red compact he’d rented all those weeks
ago when he’d first touched down at the Sheridan airport -— was
parked at a meter down the street. He’d been tense on the drive
into town, jittery. Constantly trying to talk himself down from
getting too worked up, and failing.
548
Hey, I had another whim that I got excited about but couldn’t
follow through… He shook himself. No, that was his own toxic
self-doubt framing things. If there was nothing here, it wouldn’t
be his fault. It would be due to wind, water and rock. Their whims.
And the outcome would have nothing to do with his relationship
with Harry, anyway. Nothing at all.
Louis let out a little gasping breath and whipped his head around.
Niall was jogging across the street in his worn cowboy boots,
waving wildly. Louis felt his heart crack open a little with warm
relief at the sight of him. A truck turned the corner and honked as
it jerked to a stop, but Niall didn’t pay any attention to it, not even
pausing to flip off the driver. He was still waving, and had a
strained, worried look on his face, like he thought Louis might
bolt.
“Lou!”
549
like a dream -— standing here in the late afternoon sunlight on a
corner in downtown Sheridan, its crumbling, boxy brick
storefronts making the town look more like part of the Old West
than Louis had ever seen it. He broke into a smile.
“You don’t fucking know the half of it,” Niall panted. “Thank
God you’re back.” He blew out a puff of air and put his hands on
his knees, recovering from his sprint. “Look, I know…” he said,
before having to stop to take in another lungful, still trying to
catch his breath. “I know Harry fucked up a little.”
550
too.” He shrugged and cleared his throat with a weak, wet
chuckle, all the emotion threatening to overwhelm him. “That’s
why I’m here.”
Niall let out a hoot at that and pulled Louis into a hug. “Good,”
he said, thumping him soundly on the back before pushing his
shoulders back again to grin at him. “Good.”
Louis felt a tear building up at the inside corner of his eye, and
reached up to rub it away, suddenly so happy to be back in
Wyoming he thought his whole body might burst. He stood
smiling stupidly at Niall for a few seconds, proud of himself for
getting it right. Hard not to get the answer right when the question
is Harry, he thought. Niall was looking back at him with a warm
grin and a look of open, satisfied approval.
551
“I’ll help ya!” Niall exclaimed, lunging around Louis to pull open
the door. “Two eyes are better’n one!”
552
Louis made a little noise of disbelief in his throat. “Niall,” he said,
with a tight, confused smile, “you two weren’t talking when I
left.”
553
Niall almost spun him around in the middle of the hallway.
“What?” he said, loudly, further disturbing the natural solemnity
of the courthouse. “How? I just told Harry, like, an hour ago!
T’cheer him up!”
The door to the office was open. Soft rays of amber sunlight
filtered through vertical blinds and got lost in the buzzing
fluorescent light above a wide, scuffed wooden desk. An elderly
woman was sitting behind it, reading glasses on a chain around
her neck and her lips pursed as she squinted down at a boxy black
computer monitor. She was clicking through Facebook. A
triangular name plate that sat slightly askew on the side of the
desk identified her as Myra Allerton, County Recorder and
Register of Deeds.
554
“Niall Horan!” she said, glancing up and clutching her chest. “My
land, what are you trying to do to an old woman, sneaking up on
me like that?”
Niall rocked back onto his heels with a delighted hoot of laughter.
“Mrs. Allerton!” he beamed. “I didn’t know you were… Hey, you
remember me.”
“Yes, Mr. Horan,” she said through a slightly clenched jaw as she
closed out of her Facebook tab and made to stand up, “I remember
all of my troublemaker students…” Her voice trailed off into an
austere, whispery mumble, but Louis thought he heard something
that sounded like “Technicolor clarity.”
“Oh, come on, Mrs. A!” Niall laughed, loping around the desk to
give her a hug, which she returned with only a moderate sense of
dignified reserve. “I got like five stars on my state report. Western
meadowlark, state bird of Wyoming. Still remember.” Niall
tapped the side of his temple as Myra Allerton shook her head in
disbelief, a small smile threatening to emerge on her face. Louis
stared at them.
555
“I knew you liked me. Louis Tomlinson, this is Mrs. -— er, Myra
Allerton. She was my fourth grade teacher. And Harry’s!”
Louis smiled and held out his hand. Myra shook it brusquely, and
gestured for him to come around the desk to a small sitting area
beyond which appeared to be library stacks, all filled with big,
black folders.
“How is Harry?” she asked, once Louis and Niall were situated
on the squeaky, vinyl-covered loveseat near a droopy-looking
potted office plant. She rolled her desk chair over, fiddling with
the chain on her reading glasses.
Louis shared a quick glance with Niall, and cleared his throat
again. “That’s actually why we’re here,” he said. “He’s been in a
bit of a… well, a fight over some land with a big oil company.”
He saw her eyebrows go up. “We’re not sure if it’ll help, but we’d
like to take a look at the original deed to the land.”
556
“Well.” Myra’s eyelids fluttered rapidly as she drew her glasses
back on and swiveled around to her computer. “That could be
difficult. A lot of the older land records were destroyed in a fire
in the sixties.” She tapped a few keys, hunching over her monitor
and squinting fiercely. She was a slow typist, but an exact one.
“Know the name of the buyer?” she asked.
“Oh yeah, I do,” said Niall. He furrowed his brow for a moment,
thinking hard. “King? Larry… Larry King? That sound familiar?”
he asked, turning slightly toward Louis.
557
Louis’s mouth dropped open. Niall just shrugged happily and
tapped the side of his head again. “Knew Harry made a joke once
about how Roy’d bought the land from Larry King. Western
meadowlark,” he added, knowingly. “Mind like a steel trap.”
The map of the property was done in neat, black lines, with the
plain exactness expected of a surveyor. Louis’s heart leapt -—
everything was labeled with coordinates, old-fashioned longitude
and latitude rather than the State Plane Coordinate System that
was now used. One side of the original had been partially burned,
but the document as a whole was intact and clearly legible. He
blinked a couple of times and drew in a breath, concentrating on
getting his bearings.
“Roughly, yeah,” Niall said, joining him from the opposite side
of the desk. Myra was pecking out another search on her
558
computer, and Louis heard the noisy old printer start to work on
something else.
“I had this crazy idea,” Louis explained. “A few weeks ago I went
hiking with Liam up in the mountains beyond the property line,
and he said something that stuck in my head. Something about
how out here, even the rivers change course.”
559
Niall nodded. “That’s true,” he said. “Flooding can cause big
shifts.” He scratched the back of his head, wrinkling his nose as
he gazed down at the map. “We’re prone to getting flooded here
in the spring, with the big rains and the big thaws… Had a good
year this year, though. Earthquakes don’t happen too much, but
I’ve heard they can cause streams to shift to a new channel.” He
narrowed his eyes suddenly. “Hey,” he said, “this doesn’t look
right.”
Finally, he got the clasp open and found what he was looking for.
A copy of the title insurance. All the details were in the fine print,
but there was a small map paperclipped to it -— not a survey of
the property, but a geologic map that was marked with the
560
property lines in black, and the parcel Harry had sold in red. Louis
squinted at it, double-checking himself almost as soon as he’d
taken one glance, his nervous excitement building. There was the
bulk of the oil, just east of the stream… Louis gasped softly. He
spread out the newer map next to the old survey.
“Niall,” he breathed.
“See, that one’s right,” Niall said, tapping the geologic map. “The
stream’s much further west now. Hell, that’s a good amount of
acreage…”
561
“See?” he said, grin threatening to split his face in half as he
pointed between the two maps. “Look at the parcel Harry sold, in
red. Then look at the original deed.”
“The sale of the land is invalid,” Louis said, “because the contract
misrepresented the actual property line! The western boundary
was identified as the stream, but that’s not accurate! Not anymore.
You can’t just annex more acreage because a river happened to
change course.” He pointed down to the oil-rich area marked in
red. “So most of what National Energy Group bought here, this
section of the land, Harry doesn’t legally own!”
“Language, Mr. Horan,” Myra chided, but her voice didn’t have
any bite. She looked curious and slightly confused, having
obviously determined from their reactions that they’d just gotten
some very good news. “I’ve printed this off for you,” she said,
laying another piece of paper over the old deed. “It’s a map of the
county from 1893. You can see plat TF3N R85W is marked there,
and the stream, with coordinates. This was done by a federal
surveyor.”
562
“Perfect,” Louis breathed. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me,” Myra said evenly, with an abrupt little
wave of her hand. “It’s no trouble. We should have all the
archives scanned and online by the end of the year, anyway, so
all the old deeds you want will be just a click away.”
Louis paused for a moment over the old map. “Niall?” he asked.
“Point out where that cabin is, please. The old one Rosie and Roy
built by the stream.”
“Oh, that’s up north of all the shifting,” Niall said, easily, pointing
to the northwest corner of the original deed. He smiled. “Harry
gets to keep it. He’s gonna be able to get that loan after all, and
take care of all the renovations!” He looked genuinely happy
about that prospect, Louis thought, despite the worries he’d
expressed just a week or so earlier. But Big Oil money was now
a moot point, anyway. “Dang, the Llewellyns are gonna be rich
as f-—” Niall coughed into his fist, glancing at Myra, “as
Croesus.”
563
shudder of emotion running through him at the thought of Harry,
out alone on the ranch. “So… so glad.”
“Oh!” she said, her eyebrows arching, one hand coming up to fuss
with her glasses chain again. “Oh, well…” She looked him
sharply up and down. “Give him my best. And take care of him,”
she added, as Louis started gathering up the printouts and tucking
them under his arm. “He was always an exceptional boy.”
Niall said a quick goodbye, and they raced out the door. It was
five o’clock on the dot.
564
“I’ve gotta go tell Mags,” Niall said, giving Louis one last hug
when they were back out on the sidewalk in front of Louis’s
rental. “God, she’s gonna be so pissed she didn’t come shopping
with me.”
There were no cattle in the road this time. Absolutely nothing was
impeding Louis’s forward progress as he sped out toward the
ranch, but he felt just as wildly frustrated as he had all those weeks
before when he’d first encountered Harry in the middle of the
cow-clogged highway. He just wanted to fucking be there
already.
565
Louis shook his head, blinking into the sun and trying to calm his
mind. He kept doing absurd things like picturing himself one
hundred yards further down the road, as if wanting to be there so
badly would allow him to teleport both himself and giant piece of
machinery forward through time and space. He snorted to
himself, rolling his eyes. 300 feet at a go. Ridiculous. You are
ridiculous. You don’t -— you don’t even know where he’ll be…
Or who he’ll be with. Or what -— or what he’s thinking…
Maybe if he’d answer his god damn phone. What the fuck is he
doing? Doesn’t he -—
566
The wide expanse of prairie and the mountains beyond were
gorgeous in the early evening light, and Louis’s stomach swooped
as he took it all in, an aching wonder filling him up at the
knowledge that Harry really was out there, somewhere, just out
of reach. Doing chores in the barn or the horse paddock, or with
the new moms and their calves out by Jolene’s creek, or rumbling
home from a pasture on an ATV. Maybe already sitting down to
dinner with Mrs. Burden and few of the wranglers -— Harry was
there, and Louis’s longing deepened the closer he got to the ranch,
his throat threatening to close up.
There were just two F150s parked outside the house, and Louis
was relieved that he probably wouldn’t be bursting in on a lively
dinner after all. He pulled up in between them, his nerves so shot
that he almost tried to kill the engine before putting it into park.
He let out a garbled laugh.
Fuck. Relax. Just relax. He’s probably not even -— not even in
the house. Damn it. Louis kept mumbling more semi-reassuring
nonsense to himself as he scooped up the necessary papers and
567
then proceeded to have such difficulty clambering out of the car
that its door might as well have been a spring-loaded trap.
Talking to Niall had been reassuring, but Louis still had so many
things he wanted to express to Harry bouncing around in his head
and his heart. There were so many things he hoped to hear from
Harry in return. He couldn’t remember a time in his life when
he’d been so desperate to communicate with another person, and
he was experiencing it as an excruciating, ferocious impatience.
568
it so eagerly. It was torture, not being quite sure where Harry
stood, but having such high hopes.
Louis was just about to head back the other way, past the dining
room table and down the hall that lead to Harry’s bedroom, when
he turned and there he was.
Harry.
569
He was standing stock still halfway through the back door, staring
right at Louis with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide.
He’d clearly just come back from the field -— a pair of work
gloves were stuffed into the back pocket of his dirt-smeared jeans
and his hair was escaping from its bun in curling tendrils, all
frizzed up with sweat. It absolutely floored Louis, seeing him
again. He’d missed Harry so much. Love cracked through his
body so powerfully it jolted him like the lash of a whip, making
him teeter slightly toward Harry as they gazed at each other across
the small space. It felt for a moment like they could just stay that
way forever, time suspended as they regarded each other in
wonder with matching, pounding hearts. But then the surprise on
Harry’s face melted into something that looked like devastated
relief, and he took a small, sharp breath and began to cry, his body
curling in on itself as he choked back a sob.
“Lou--?”
Louis was closing the gap between them and pulling Harry out of
the doorway and into his arms before his name was all the way
out of Harry’s mouth. The papers from the County Recorder’s
office fell forgotten to the floor as they came together.
570
Harry burrowed into Louis’s embrace, shaking his head as he
clung to him tightly and swept his big hands up and down Louis’s
back. It was as though he needed them to be pressed as close
together as possible, needed to feel as much of Louis as he could,
in order to assure himself that Louis was actually, physically there
with him. “No. No,” he got out, when he managed a rattling
inhalation. “It’s not. It’s not okay, because I was so -— so -— and
you’re here anyway. You’re really here…”
Louis let out a short, wet laugh, nodding and still rubbing at
Harry’s back. “I am here,” he confirmed. He pressed a few kisses
into Harry’s cheeks, which only seemed to make his tears leak out
faster. “And it will be okay.”
Harry let out a pained laugh, his eyes shining with tears as he
squeezed Louis’s waist. “I don’t deserve…” He tossed his head
571
in disbelief and scrunched up his face in displeasure. “I’d -— I’d
given up.”
572
before you came. Before you came here at all… to the -— to the
Lonely Rose.” He choked out another single, bleak laugh, still
shaking his head. “Like, I just thought it wasn’t going to hap -—
happen for me.” His mouth twisted up into a sad half-smile as he
struggled to compose himself. He shrugged. “I didn’t think I was
going to get to fall in love.”
“Oh, baby,” Louis said, sweeping a loose lock of Harry’s hair off
his face and kissing him gently on the cheek. He was edging
toward tears himself now.
Louis rose up onto his tiptoes at that, unable to keep from pressing
a soft, hot kiss to Harry’s lips. Harry made a small sound of
surprise, but then returned the kiss eagerly, passionately, opening
his mouth and letting it deepen.
They were both breathless when they broke apart, and Louis
chuckled once at how starry-eyed Harry looked. Harry rolled his
eyes at himself, laughing too. He took one of Louis’s hands and
573
touched it to his heated cheek, as if to illustrate the extent of
Louis’s effect on him. “I meant it, before,” he whispered, almost
as though he were telling a secret, the fingers of his other hand
twisting into the hem of Louis’s shirt, “when I told you I’d never
felt this way… I love you so much. I want -— I want so much for
us, and I need to apologize for so many things.”
Harry shook his head. “No, wait,” he said, taking a deep breath,
“I want to, um… Just let me get this out? Because I’m so
embarrassed about my behavior -—” He made a sound of distaste
and rolled his eyes again. “I’m ashamed of myself. Even -— even
today, I was out on the ranch, just -— just fucking ignoring
everything…”
Harry shook his head, regret etched into his face. “No, it’s not.
It’s really not. I messed everything up. Felt like a failure. And
then I was -— I was hiding from it, when I should have been
apologizing. Just childish, so childish and I’m so sorry. For not
calling, for how I acted when you introduced me to Zayn, for
everything I said that night. I felt like everything was falling apart
574
all around me at that point, and I -— I got so fucking scared I was
going to lose you, too… And then I acted like a selfish idiot! And
I don’t want -—” His voice went tight and he swallowed hard,
like he was struggling against another round of tears. “I don’t
want you to think I wouldn’t fight for us, Louis!” he said in a
fierce whisper, trembling a little. “I want to be with you any way
I can and I should have made sure you knew that before you left.
You could split your time between Denver and Sheridan -— hell,
you could just live full-time in Denver for the rest of your life and
I’d still want to be a part of it…”
“Harry -—”
“Pardners?” Louis asked, his tone wry and his lips quirking up a
little bit.
575
Harry let out a laugh, nodding, his eyes intense and focused on
Louis.
576
Louis waved his hands around, laughing a little. “No, I know. I
know. I didn’t quit for you. Well, not entirely. I’m still going to
law school, don’t worry…” He crouched down to scoop the
printouts up off the floor. “And I have something important to tell
you about the property.”
“The sale’s not valid?” he croaked out, sniffling and wiping at his
nose.
“The sale’s not valid,” he repeated. “I’ve got -—” he cut himself
off, looking up at Louis with so much gratitude in his eyes that
Louis blushed. “We’ve got another chance?”
577
“God,” Harry whispered, his voice full of awe and love as he
hugged Louis to him again. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
Harry pulled back and rolled his eyes, which were still red-
rimmed but not streaming anymore. “We’d never have known to
check, otherwise, clearly! So, thank you! Thank you so much!”
578
reunions he’d imagined on the plane. He gave Harry a quick kiss
on the forehead. “I love you too, peaches. It’s good to be home.”
Harry swallowed hard, shifting in his seat, and Louis laughed out
loud in delight, shaking his head as he watched Harry’s face.
“Maggie’s right; your nose really does get bigger when you’re
about to cry, you big sap.”
579
Louis made another sound of pleasure, and then cocked his head
to the side. The computer screen had come back to life when he’d
hit the mouse, and he squinted in confusion at what he saw there,
his heart beating faster.
580
sure you understood how I felt. And I’m -— I’m sorry I didn’t.
I’m so sorry. I wanted to, the whole time. Wanted to talk to you.
But I just felt so, I don’t know… Ashamed, I guess, after I sold
the land. Like I shouldn’t show myself to the world, because I
didn’t deserve it. Because I was too big of a fuck up. But I never
stopped thinking about you, Louis. I never stopped wanting this,
or loving you… I hope you know. I really -— I really love you.”
“Harry,” Louis said, sure his own nose was looking bigger than
it should have right then, tears threatening to spill onto his face.
“Hey.” He brushed a wandering tendril of Harry’s hair back off
his forehead and looked him right in the eye, a staggering amount
of emotion building up inside him. “Hey, I do know. I do know
you love me. I love you, too. And you aren’t a failure. You were
never a failure. It’s Walter Mohs who’s a failure of a human
being. I promise, you’re never going to have go through
something like this feeling alone, ever again. Okay?”
581
“Louis,” Harry breathed, when Louis finally broke away to place
sloppy kisses down his jawline and nuzzle in his neck. The word
turned into a deep groan when Louis rocked down again, twisting
his hips so that their crotches were lined up. He started bucking
into Harry softly but suggestively, hearing the squeak of the chair
with every tiny thrust, feeling their growing arousal. “Thank
you,” Harry whispered.
Louis almost didn’t catch the words. They came out in a small
huff of breath, and he stopped what he was doing, trying to make
sure he’d heard Harry correctly in the sudden stillness of the air.
Harry hummed quietly, using his strong arms to pull Louis flush
against his body. Louis almost gasped at the shivery thrill that
went through him, feeling Harry run his big hands all over his
back, down his ass and the curve of his thighs. As if he were
treasuring him. Lost in the feel of him and committing him fully
to memory.
“But I mean -— just for being you, and for being here,” Harry
clarified, voice muffled from where his head was now buried in
Louis’s neck. “Thank you. I feel so thankful for you.” He brought
his arms up again and wrapped them around Louis’s shoulders,
hugging him so fiercely that Louis almost couldn’t breathe.
582
“It’s my pleasure,” Louis said, sincerely. He took a deep breath
and hugged Harry back as hard as he could, closing his eyes,
feeling the curling wisps of hair that had escaped from Harry’s
bun tickle his nose. They stayed like that for a long moment. Just
breathing quietly together, wrapped up as close as they could be.
“This chair’s gonna break,” Louis said, relaxing his hold and
sitting back on Harry’s lap.
“Better get up, then,” Harry smiled, bouncing his knees up and
down, jostling Louis again and eliciting ribbit-like noises from
the chair with every movement. “I’m not a bazillionaire anymore,
you know. Can’t afford wanton destruction of office furniture.”
“I could go for a bed,” Harry agreed. He let Louis tug him out of
the chair.
583
Louis couldn’t help the little sigh of excitement that escaped him
as he pulled Harry out into the hallway. It felt like his heart was
loose and hammering all over his ribcage, like there was some
kind of crazy pinball machine inside him lighting him up. Harry,
Harry, Harry, bed, bed, bed.
He’d just gotten his hand on the doorknob of the guest bedroom
when he felt Harry tugging on his wrist. “C’mere,” he said,
leading them down the hallway toward the master suite. Louis felt
himself being pulled into Harry’s side, felt a soft kiss brushing his
forehead as Harry whispered, “You aren’t a guest anymore, are
you?”
584
“What am I, a bride?” Louis laughed, not even pretending that he
wasn’t absolutely delighted.
“You just look like a really hot lawyer,” Harry said. “Just like the
first time I saw you in your suit and your aviators.”
585
They were just light touches, but suddenly the air was even more
charged. Harry’s hands on Louis’s soft silk. Louis’s hands on
Harry’s rough flannel. Their eyes met, and Louis couldn’t
breathe. He needed to kiss Harry so badly, needed him naked and
spread out beneath him.
Louis’s throat went dry, his heart pounding, his head almost dizzy
with want. He gulped, nodding. “And… and vice versa.”
Harry just looked at him for a moment, and Louis saw his neck
flush slightly. He bit his bottom lip, obviously excited by the idea.
“Okay,” he said, finally. His voice was rough. “Yeah, okay.” He
ran his thumb up under the hem of Louis’s shirt, skimming lightly
over the soft skin at his waist. His stare was becoming almost too
intense. “’Vice versa,’” he whispered, lowly. “Can’t resist that
lawyer talk. Quid pro quo. Ex post facto.”
Louis rolled his eyes, feeling his cheeks heat up under Harry’s
attentive gaze. “Shut up,” he mumbled. He elbowed himself up
so that he was sitting over Harry on the bed, and started to strip
off his white dress shirt. “Take your pants off.”
586
“Yes, Mr. Tomlinson.”
Louis blushed again, feeling his heart rabbit faster in his chest,
beating with anticipation and a little nervousness as he undressed
himself. Harry was naked in a flash, hair loose, his cock already
standing up almost fully stiff against his stomach. Louis finally
managed to slip off his shirt, feeling a flutter of adrenaline as
Harry watched. Harry’s fingers brushed down the length of
Louis’s golden arm, lightly tanned from the work he’d done
outside during calving season. He reached up and tangled their
hands together as Louis went to take the tie off. Harry shook his
head, a little smirk on his face.
Harry helped him slip off his pants and underwear. When Louis
had nothing on but his navy silk tie, he crawled over Harry,
straddling him and letting the soft fabric dangle and brush against
his bare chest. He smiled when he saw Harry shudder.
587
“makes it hard to be patient.” He gripped a fistful of curly hair
and covered Harry’s mouth with his own.
588
Harry chuckled and reached for his nightstand drawer, his long
arms meaning he only had to twist and strain his torso slightly to
get at it. Louis sat up and admired the view, letting his ass grind
down on the underside of Harry’s cock as he pinned him to the
bed, impeding his progress. “Your muscles,” he muttered, feeling
his heart leap, and he saw Harry smile happily in response. My
cowboy, he thought, drawing a shaky breath.
589
They started to shake as Harry giggled silently, and Louis chose
that moment to skim the silk fabric of his tie lightly against
Harry’s rim.
“God, Louis,” Harry said in a broken, high voice. His hands were
out from behind his head, reaching to touch any part of Louis he
could. One landed on Louis’s bicep, lightly tracing circles on the
skin, feeling the muscle as it worked. Louis bit his lip at the light
touch. There was something so caring about it… And oh, Harry’s
other hand was brushing at Louis’s hair, brushing it gently away
590
from his eyes. Louis saw Harry’s straining abdominals, knew he
was sitting up a little to do it. Exceptional. The word wandered
through his head.
591
“I will,” Louis promised, and withdrew his hand, wet-coated
fingers feeling chill in the open air. He reached over Harry to grab
a tissue and wipe them off. “But first, quid pro quo.”
The next ten minutes were a blur of sensation. Louis closed his
eyes, opened his legs for Harry and absolutely lost himself. Soft
twinges of pain were followed by explosive, concussive bursts of
pleasure, and after a while he wasn’t even sure which sounds were
coming from him and which were coming from Harry. Louis had
never been so attentively, enthusiastically fingered, even by
himself. He was rocking and moaning by the end, trying to fuck
himself down onto almost Harry’s whole hand.
592
“Shit,” he gasped, when Harry finally pulled out. His throat felt
raw from the way he’d been panting through his mouth. “Now are
we -—”
Louis knew they’d had plenty of amazing sex in the past few
weeks, but something about the emotional intimacy, or the way
his body had been absolutely drenched in adrenaline all day had
him shivering, completely undone already. A mad rush of heat
overwhelmed his groin, moving up through his pelvis and into his
stomach. It was like nothing Louis had ever felt before. Never had
sex like this. Never.
Harry teased for a few more moments, rubbing his thick cockhead
up Louis’s crease to the pouch of his balls, just catching his rim.
Over and over.
593
And then he was inside, the blunt head of his cock pushing into
Louis. Harry thrust hard when he was halfway in, making Louis
cry out brokenly. Another three thrusts before he hit Louis’s
prostate dead-on, and then his hips started moving like a machine.
All Louis could do was fist the sheets and pray he didn’t come
before he got a chance to do the same to Harry.
“Stop,” Louis ordered. His voice was absolutely wrecked and his
whole body was on fire. Harry rocked into him one last time and
then slid out obediently, holding his obscenely hard cock by the
base. It was wet and dripping with lube, bright red under the
condom. Harry’s chest was heaving, and Louis could smell the
sweat on him. “Hands and knees,” he ordered, whipping off his
tie and tossing it to the floor.
Harry whimpered and shifted around so that the side of his face
was pressed into the pillow, wrists crossed above his head and
knees spread, ass up. Louis found the empty foil packet of the
condom Harry had ripped open lying on the corner of the bed, and
grabbed the unopened one next to it. He pulled his foreskin all the
way down, exposing the leaking, rosy tip of his cock, and rolled
the condom on. His breath hitched -— getting his own hands on
himself, even for such a perfunctory task, was dangerous with
how turned on he was. He concentrated on not shooting into the
condom right away.
594
He crawled forward until he was in the cleft of Harry’s legs,
nudging the head of his cock up into Harry’s taint and feeling him
shiver and whine.
595
around each other as he shoved his hips back to meet Louis’s
thrusts. Louis had meant to make it last longer, but his orgasm
slammed into him suddenly with unstoppable force. He drove
himself in to the hilt and stayed there, spilling into Harry in long,
hot spurts. The release wracked his body, the satisfaction so deep
that Louis almost blacked out.
596
They molded their bodies against each other and drew up the
covers, neither of them worrying about the wet spots on the
sheets. Harry buried his face into Louis’s chest, making himself
smaller in Louis’s arms.
Louis started to run his hands through Harry’s hair, picking apart
his tangled curls, and chuckled softly. “I know.” He shrugged,
figuring the cat was out of the bag. “I’ve known for like… a
week?”
Harry lifted his head, mouth hanging open. “I only found out
today!” He started to pout, chin tucked down and eyes stormy.
Louis tried not to reveal how adorable he thought the pouting was,
and leaned down to kiss him. “Okay, okay Mr. Grumps,” he
chuckled. Harry snorted and rolled his eyes, smiling a little as
Louis kissed his lips again. “I found out by accident; it’s not like
Maggie and Niall came running to tell me first.”
597
Harry let out a soft breath that rushed across Louis’s bare
collarbones. “Okay,” he said. “But if you’ve got a line on baby
names, you’d better spill. Niall wouldn’t say.”
Louis grinned and shook his head. “No baby names,” he said.
“Don’t worry.”
598
Harry caught his breath, and Louis thought he could hear a faint
little oh on his next exhale. He had his hands on Harry’s body,
and could almost feel it shimmering with contained excitement.
“We’ll get to that,” is what Harry said, softly. But he tucked his
head into the crook of Louis’s neck and bit his lip over a wide
smile. He looked so beautiful Louis’s heart almost burst. Always
so wonderful.
“Thank you,” Louis said, all of a sudden. “For being here, and for
being you.”
They let dusk draw shadows around them as they fell asleep in
each other’s arms.
599
Tuesday evening, Louis was walking up the steps of the
Llewellyns’ front porch with Harry, cradling a strawberry
rhubarb pie in his arms like it was a newborn baby.
Harry had spent the morning on and off the phone with Anne as
they hashed things out. Everything had started tense and ended
rather teary. When Harry had finally been able to call the
Llewellyns and explain the situation, Dottie had immediately
asked that he and Louis come over for dinner, preferring to
discuss the ins and outs in person before National Energy Group
made their pitch. Louis had been anxious about it all afternoon.
He couldn’t help it. On top of wanting everything to be officially
squared away with the land parcels and the mineral rights, it felt
an awful lot like meeting the parents.
“But you’ve met them before!” Harry had pointed out in protest,
referring to Louis’s brief chats with both Dottie and Arthur at the
Cowtown Hoedown. He couldn’t hide his pleasure over Louis
600
caring so much, though, his eyes bright as he fought against a
twitchy grin, tugging on a pair of socks in the master bedroom.
“For like six seconds total!” Louis said, sitting down on the bed
next to him. “And not at the same time!” It did strange things to
Louis’s heart, seeing Harry so clearly happy that he loved him. It
made him love Harry even more, and he’d had to kiss him on the
temple a few times before flopping backward onto the quilt.
Harry stretched out next to him after he’d gotten his socks on,
going up on one elbow and drumming his fingers on Louis’s
sternum through his t-shirt. “Well, most people don’t get to show
up and be like, ’Oh, here’s this discovery I just made, and you
know, now you’ll have about a bajillion dollars!’ So I think
you’ve got a leg up.”
601
“We’re out back, Harry!” Dottie shouted, after Harry called her
name again.
Harry ushered Louis out through a sliding glass door and onto a
beautifully-maintained deck. Dottie was sitting at a well-
weathered picnic table, arranging sliced vegetables on a platter,
Arthur busy at the grill. He struck a match and lit the newspaper
he’d stuffed into a chimney starter, waving carelessly at Harry
and Louis and mumbling about how the charcoal would be ready
in a jiffy.
602
reassuring, soft-bodied hug, smiling when she pulled back. “How
could I forget? So confident with those promenades! A natural!”
Art snorted, turning his small frame back to the grill so that he
could examine the coals. “Florida can!” he said, darkly. “Florida
can and should be avoided at all costs!”
603
Louis felt himself relax as he settled in at the picnic table with
Dottie and Harry while Arthur worked the grill. There was
something about it being so close to summer -— the perfect
temperature of the evening air around them and the delicious
wafting scent of the cooking hamburgers -— that made being in
love feel extra sweet. Like maybe Louis hadn’t felt quite so
settled and sure of his place in the world since he was eleven years
old, the lilacs were blooming, there were only three days left in
the school year, and his mom was letting him play night games
with the kids down the street until well past his bedtime. Louis
was so happy it ached.
“Love you,” Harry murmured, after Louis fished ice cold beers
out of the cooler for him and Dottie.
“I love you, too,” Louis said, smiling at Harry as he took his first
sip. Then he blushed a little when Dottie cleared her throat across
from them, her eyes moving back and forth between them with a
pleased twinkle.
Louis nodded and reached for his briefcase, his nerves jangling
again. “Well,” he said, producing a stack of pertinent papers from
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within. He smoothed out the map he’d made of their abutting
ranches, having added on the actual property line and the
estimated oil reserve with a grease pencil he’d found in one of
Mrs. Burden’s sewing kits. “How much do you two know about
mineral rights?”
Fifteen minutes and half a burger later, he’d walked them through
the frustrating aspects of the contract Harry had been forced to
sign. How Walter Mohs had backed Harry into a corner, not
allowing him to sever the surface and mineral rights when the sale
had been finalized. He’d also explained why the sale had turned
out to be invalid, and how that was where they came in.
Art cleared his throat, taking a swig of his beer and swatting at a
mosquito. “Makes sense.”
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Dottie snorted out a laugh, but Arthur just gave Louis a blank-
faced look.
“So, like, you can drill and then just suck up all the surrounding
oil in the whole reservoir from one point, typically from one small
cluster of wells. Mostly at an angle?” Louis stabbed a finger at
the map where his preferred drill point would be, swirling his
finger around as if to represent all the oil being sucked to the
surface. “Anyway, you’d have to hammer out the details, but that
way Harry could sell his little oil patch along with yours… Maybe
pay some kind of fee for the drilling being done on your property?
And we’d be much better able to maintain the overall integrity of
the landscape…”
Harry blushed and nodded back, rolling his eyes at himself and
twisting up his face a little. This time Louis squeezed his leg in
reassurance.
“I mean, it’s your land, it’s your oil,” Harry said, his handsome
face earnest as his big hands gestured openly at Dottie and Arthur.
“You can sell it however you want. You can not sell it at all. We
just want you to know your options and um,” he tossed his head
side to side and continued quietly, emotion cropping up just under
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the surface. “I just -— I want to say that I do care a lot about that
little, um, parcel, in particular… When it comes down to it.”
“Of course you do,” Art said softly, while Dottie nodded her head
in understanding, “of course it means a lot.”
“Honey,” Dottie said, reaching across the table and taking Harry’s
hand, her warm brown eyes locked on his, “we love you. We’ll
go about this pretty much however you want, and I don’t want
you to feel any kind of indebtedness about it, okay?” She turned
to Louis, smirking slightly, raising her eyebrows like she was
going to level him a challenge. “Although we’ll probably need a
little more legal counsel, and then a lot more estate
management…”
Louis huffed a laugh that caught in his throat slightly on the way
out, and he grabbed Harry’s hand, his heart clenching in
understanding at the tears he saw in Harry’s eyes. Even if the
Llewellyns had decided to go their own way on this, Harry would
still have been able to get his loan for the ranch renovations,
without the the property tax bill looming. And they’d have been
together -— Louis and Harry would have been together, so things
would have been fine. But now it was looking more and more like
Rosie and Roy’s cabin wouldn’t be completely razed, and the land
surrounding it wouldn’t be destroyed. Not to mention the fact that
the money from the sale of the small amount of oil still on Harry’s
property would go a long way -— a little financial cushion that
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made that condo in Boulder seem much more affordable. Louis
felt stunned by how lucky they were, almost out-of-body from it.
Louis was leaning forward, about to say that he’d read that book
as well when Harry cut in, snorting. “What does that say about
my mother?” he asked. He’d meant for it to be a joke, but couldn’t
quite get it there, and he turned pink with remorse in the
aftermath, coughing into his fist.
“Harry,” Dottie said. Her tone was gently disapproving but her
face was sympathetic.
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we talked this morning, she helped with a lot of stuff, with the
contract. And explained a few things about -— about her life…”
Art huffed out a sharp laugh, leaning back on the picnic bench. “I
hope she did. I’m not going to say that you don’t have a lot of
legitimate reasons to be angry with her, because you do,” he said,
taking a deep breath before going on, “but she never had it easy
out here.”
Louis turned again, regarding Harry from the side and thinking
about how bloodshot his eyes had been when he’d gotten off the
phone with his mother for the last time that morning, and how
much happier he’d seemed. Louis still couldn’t forgive Anne for
what she’d put Harry through, but he felt almost silly, recognizing
for the first time so late in the game that she probably had her own
underlying emotional relationship with the Lonely Rose. Maybe
even with Rosie and Roy’s cabin. He was reminded of when he
was a senior in high school and was so beyond furious that his
parents’ marriage was falling apart. His father had tried to tell him
that parents were people too, but Louis hadn’t been able to fathom
that at all at seventeen years old. It’s not your turn anymore. It’s
mine. It’s mine. Why are you doing this to me? Why aren’t you
putting me first? had been all he’d been able to think.
“No, she didn’t,” said Dottie, a rueful smile on her face. “She
didn’t have it easy.”
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Louis blinked down at his beer bottle, letting the reiterated words
settle in and longing to have them explicitly explained. He
wondered if Anne had stumbled into Des Styles’s life like he’d
stumbled into Harry’s, but then felt constrained by the
environment instead of freed by it -— an ambitious woman in a
small town without the options and support Louis was going to
have. Louis realized then that he’d never even asked Harry what
his parents’ marriage had been like, or if Anne had gotten along
with his grandparents.
“I’ve heard you say that before!” Harry said, his face lighting up,
slightly confused.
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“Well, by the time you were around it was joke,” Dottie said, still
laughing.
Louis laughed, threading his fingers into Harry’s under the table.
All this discussion of marriage was making him feel such a burst
of pride that he and Harry had been able to work things out. That
they’d been able to choose each other, despite all the
complications and roadblocks in place. I’m just going to keep
choosing him and choosing him for the rest of my life. Harry’s
thumb moved over the back of Louis’s hand, and a shiver of true
contentment ran through him.
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He smiled at Dottie across the table. “It’s gonna take the whole
damn pie,” he said.
They’d been working on the cabin for a little over a week when
Louis decided that he wanted to get married in it. He stepped
under the low lintel and saw Harry illuminated by a shaft of
sunlight that was shining through a hole in the decaying roof.
Harry’s eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as he laid new,
sturdy pine boards over the subfloor. Louis stilled, watching him
for a few moments. He was covered in a fine layer of sweat and
sawdust, his hair back in a half-bun, and Louis thought he’d never
looked lovelier.
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Louis picked his way over to Harry through the scattered tools
and pieces of old, warped wood. “I think so. This is it, right?” He
dropped to one knee to hand the little piece of metal over to Harry,
and felt his heart skip a beat.
Louis pursed his lips, working his jaw a little as he ducked his
chin, not wanting to give anything away. “You’re pretty,” he said.
Harry smiled and hummed contentedly. The floor would take two
weeks, he’d said. Then he and Louis would begin the delicate
process of removing the worn siding, and trying to figure out
which of the logs that made up the walls had given way to rot and
would have to be replaced. Re-siding, re-roofing and replacing
the windows and the doors, and then working on the porch… It
would take all summer.
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He knelt down and let Harry show him how to help with the floor.
Later, when his arms were wrapped around Harry’s waist on the
back of an ATV, he spotted them. Paul, Sally and Jolene, grazing
by the crick. He tapped Harry’s shoulder and pointed. Harry
steered them over.
Louis hopped off first and made a beeline for Jolene’s shaggy red
flank, digging his hands in and petting her thoroughly around the
shoulders. “Motherhood’s changed you,” he whispered to her.
“You’re even more beautiful than you were as a heifer.”
He turned around and saw Harry on the ground, the two calves
nudging his shoulders inquisitively. A tiny bolt of fear shot
through Louis all of a sudden, and made his eyes widen. Cow-calf
operation. That’s what this is. Not a vacation home for farm
animals.
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Louis relaxed. “Good,” he nodded. “I mean, I know this is a
business and everything. I’ll try not to get attached to every calf
that comes along…”
“They’re our love cows,” Harry declared. Louis laughed, his eyes
crinkling. “They’re staying right here.”
Louis held Harry’s hand on the way into the house, after they’d
parked the ATV and put away all of the tools and equipment
they’d used. The sun was just about to set, and he could smell the
lasagne Mrs. Burden was making. He was suddenly very aware
of the weight of his phone in his pocket.
“Just a sec,” he said, letting Harry pass through the sliding glass
door into the kitchen. He pulled it out, swallowing hard. “I want
to call my mom,” he whispered. He hadn’t spoken to her for a
little over two months, and suddenly it felt like much too long.
Harry squeezed his hand, leaning down to kiss his cheek as Louis
pressed the phone to his ear and heard it start to ring. “Be right
inside if you need me,” he said.
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light. Bonnie was nosing through Mrs. Burden’s vegetable
garden, and Niall was moving around the horse barn.
“Louis?” She sounded tinny, but Louis could hear the surprise
and the pleasure in her voice.
“Hi, sweetie.” Her voice relaxed into the comforting tone he knew
so well, and Louis thought he could make out the sound of a stove
fan in the background, a beeping microwave. “You called! I’m so
happy.”
“Oh, no, no. Well, we’re just sitting down to eat, but I’ll tell Dan
to start without me. He always forgets to put their bibs on until
it’s too late…” There were some muffled sounds then, and Louis
knew she was holding the phone to her chest and giving
directions. Things were quieter when she got back on the line.
“How are you?” she asked, sitting down somewhere with a little
sigh. “Are you coming to visit us soon? You know we’d love to
have you anytime.”
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“I’d love to come,” Louis said. “Maybe at the end of the summer,
before I start law school. Should probably swing by Dad’s, too.”
“He would love that, honey. I’m sure there are plenty of direct
flights from Denver…”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I -—” Louis’s breath caught. “I… It’s a long story, but. I
met a cowboy.”
He told her all about it as the sun set behind the mountains and
the air turned chilly. Her warm voice and the bright lights shining
out from the dining room made Louis’s heart beat faster, made
him feel like he was wrapped up in a cozy blanket. They laughed
and exchanged stories, and made plans for Louis and Harry to
come meet his twin siblings.
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It was dark when they finally said goodbye. Louis stood for a
moment, heart pounding as he blinked into the young night. He
was so full of love. So full of love.
Then he slid open the door and went inside, where Harry and his
dinner were waiting for him.
FIN
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