Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Tired Tired Sea
Tired Tired Sea
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Chapter 1
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Louis inhales slowly, then lets out a deep sigh before putting
the phone away. He always prefers a higher percentage when
he gets up. Most days, music in his ears is the only thing that
makes his morning jog bearable and the thought of it dying
right in the middle is… less than optimal. Still, there’s nothing
he can do but pray his old iphone won’t be a dick today, which,
knowing how battery draining the device finds literally every
single operation, seems unlikely. Speaking of his morning
ritual, Louis half smiles when he hears a small clatter right
outside his bedroom, followed by a loud whine. Clifford
certainly knows the routine just as well as Louis’ body does and
he’s already nosing at the door in anticipation, nails clinking
against the bottom. Louis usually rarely sleeps with the door
closed because Cliff doesn’t like being alone at night almost as
much as his master, but he suspects a strong gust of wind from
a forgotten open window must have forced it shut, locking his
dog outside. Just at the thought enters Louis’ brain, Clifford lets
out a louder whine.
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them. Money is always tight in the winter though, so he can’t
say he doesn’t appreciate Mr. and Mrs. Jackson’s late holiday.
It wouldn’t be the end of the world if he served them breakfast
late, they’re an understanding bunch and their ferry back to the
mainland only leaves in the afternoon so they wouldn’t mind a
late checkout. But Louis prides himself on the quality of service
in his establishment, which means he serves breakfast every
day between half-past eight and ten o’clock. No delays. No
exceptions.
He pushes the duvet off his body, fighting his strong instinct to
stay curled up and warm, then he shivers as he makes his way
down the ladder of his single bed. He’s been teased mercilessly
and often by his army of siblings for essentially being an adult
with a bunk bed, but the old lighthouse keeper’s
accommodation was always the most logical choice for his
permanent residence. It’s the smallest bedroom on site, first of
all, cramped and mostly uncomfortable, with nothing but the
bed, a dresser and a small window to fill it. It was built to be
functional rather than comfortable.
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on the warmest of summer days. Louis could never, in good
conscience, charge money for people to stay there. It was
always going to be his own, as depressing as it might be, and
Louis quickly started mentally referring to it as a tiny loft of
sorts, with his bed as the only thing on the second floor, just to
make it less unbearable. Though truth be told, Louis prefers
being close to the tower, even if his responsibilities don’t
involve it the way his predecessors’ did. It’s just nice to be out
of the way, he supposes, when his home is full of strangers for
half of the year. And when the B&B is empty Louis can go
straight from his bed to the top of the lighthouse in one minute
to enjoy the view. It’s pretty amazing, considering. Louis
doesn’t spend a lot of time in the reading nook up there when
the B&B is full of tourists, but during winter, when the island
grows quiet and still, the sixty people who inhabit it
permanently the only souls on board, Louis rarely spends an
evening anywhere else.
Once he’s climbed off the ladder, Louis goes to the window,
automatically pushing the curtains open even though he knows
the sun isn’t up yet. He frowns at the still dark sky, the hint of
freezing sea barely visible in the distance, though Louis can
hear its tempestuous presence – to think winter hasn’t even
arrived yet. He sighs, taking his hoodie off in one movement
before throwing it on his bed, nodding with self-satisfaction
when it lands perfectly. He regrets the action immediately when
the air hits his naked skin. He quickly walks to the bulky
wooden dresser under his bed, pressed against the red brick
wall, grabbing the torch on top of it and clicking it on before
opening a drawer. He swears under his breath as he looks
through the drawer, quickly settling for a black long sleeve tee
and dropping the torch into the middle of the rest of his clothes
to put it on as fast as possible. Then, he takes off the sweatpants
he usually wears to bed in order to swap them for another
almost identical pair that’s freshly washed. He’s too lazy to
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change out of the grey wool socks he wore for bed so he simply
raises them up over the bottom of his trousers before slipping
trainers on and making his way to the tiny ensuite attached to
his room. Toilet, sink and the smallest cubicle known to man –
it’s not great, but it gets the job done, Louis thinks as he brushes
his teeth quickly. He’s balanced the torch awkwardly on top of
the toilet which means only half of his face is illuminated,
making him look even more exhausted than he actually is. He
takes a second to grimace at himself in the mirror once he’s
done brushing his teeth, wrinkling his nose at his reflection as
he rubs the palm of his hand against his auburn beard. Lottie
would definitely say he’s in need of a trim, might even chase
him around their mother’s house with a pair of scissors if she
could see him like this. She’d probably have something to say
about moisturizing too, but Louis kind of enjoys his dishevelled
look.
Louis exits the bathroom, clicking the torch off and putting it
back in his place before climbing back to his bed to grab his
phone. Finally, after what Clifford probably feels was an
eternity though it was only five to seven minutes, Louis steps
out of his bedroom and into the waiting paws of his gigantic
dog who, of course, attempts to climb him the minute the door
open.
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that leads up to the top of the repurposed tower until he reaches
what used to be the front door in the 19th century. Now, the
door only leads through the annex to the cottage, helping Louis
and the guests avoid the worst of the Scottish weather. He
shivers as soon as the door opens and he steps into the corridor,
the space so poorly insulated he might as well be walking
outside. Clifford walks past him easily, knowing exactly where
he wants to go and leading the way, clearly unbothered by the
sudden change in temperature. In all fairness, Louis is still half
asleep, eyes squinting and half shut as he follows his dog to the
cottage. He’s always been more sensitive than most to the cold,
something most members of his family – especially his mother
– love to tease him mercilessly about whenever he dares to
complain about the cold so far up North.
It was a bit of a strange choice for him to settle here, Louis will
admit to that.
But as he walks into the shared living room space to grab his
denim jacket and Clifford’s leash from the wooden coat rack
nestled in the corner of the room and he catches sight of the sea
beyond the cliffs through the shadows that he’s lucky enough
to call home, Louis can’t help but think that he’d rather die than
be anywhere else. His sensitivity to cold temperatures be
damned.
Clifford wiggles his tail at the sight of his leash, even though
Louis never really puts it on him and he owns it more as a
precaution than anything else, and they both exit the living
room. Louis puts his jacket on just before they reach the front
door and he takes a second to double check his pocket for
plastic bags and his headphones. Once he’s confirmed he’s in
possession of both items, Louis puts the headphones on and
presses play on his morning run playlist, opening the door and
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letting Clifford get a head start before starting to jog behind
him, following the curve of the cliffs.
Soon enough, Louis and Clifford need to start making their way
back to the B&B. They’ve walked a lot further away on the
beach than Louis usually ventures and a quick look at his phone
informs him it’s almost half past six. He needs to get back
quickly if he wants to have time to shower before Mr. and Mrs.
Jackson wake up. It’s always a difficult balance to strike since
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there’s no hot water before seven and Louis isn’t particularly
fond of freezing showers – he isn’t particularly fond of
freezing anything – no matter how fast they are. He almost has
it down to an art by now though, even if he does get distracted
by the beautiful scenery and his dog’s excitement once in a
while.
By the time he’s back at the lighthouse, it’s only a quarter past
seven and Louis is barely running late. Clifford is as energetic
as ever, jumping around Louis’ body, trying to climb him like
he thinks he’s still a small pup as Louis tries to open the front
door.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m getting you food in a bit, you big drama
queen,” Louis whispers affectionately to him when he finally
pushes the door open and they walk past the small reception
area.
Louis starts taking his coat off as he walks towards the living
room, Clifford still following behind.
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"Morning!" Mrs. Jackson says happily from one of the brown
leather sofas, making Louis jump in his skin just as he walks
in.
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"Unless you were the ones snoring in our room...? You'd think
I'd be used to it after thirty years of marriage, but he still keeps
me up.” She rolls her eyes before continuing. “But I had this
book to finish before we leave anyway, so it sorted itself out
really."
Louis eyes the mystery novel she’s still holding. It’s one of the
guests’ favourites since it’s actually set on the island and gives
them a spooky companion to their visit. Louis always tries to
leave a few copies lying around the building.
"You can always leave with it," Louis offers, gesturing towards
the book. Last time he counted, he had at least five copies
scattered around. There’s definitely two in the reading nook on
the top of the tower and the others are in the bookshelves that
surround all four walls of the living room, except where the
large window is letting the first ray of sunlight in. The room is
more of a library than anything else really, but Louis feels
pretentious referring to it as such when guests are around. And
common room makes it sound like a hostel, not that Louis
dislikes such establishments but he’s aiming for a more
upmarket feel. So Louis calls his library a living room and kind
of hates himself for being so anal about it all.
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"You're too kind, Louis," Mrs. Jackson says and it's not the first
time Louis has received that type of compliment, but it's the
first time someone has made it sound like a threat. "People will
take advantage,” she adds warningly.
"If you need more time to wash that jogging stink off, Louis,
you only have to say so. There's no need to try and pretend that
you’re doing me a kindness," she teases without skipping a
beat, pushing her glasses back onto her nose and opening the
book again.
She's very theatrical. Louis has noticed it in the past two weeks
that the couple has been staying at the B&B. He finds himself
strangely thinking he's going to miss her once they've gone. He
knows it's not as simple as that and part of it is fueled by the
knowledge he's about to enter his winter exile and he always
has mixed feelings about the way the world slows down and
the solitude amplifies when everything freezes during the
offseason. Still, she's funny and sharp; Louis appreciates the
company of someone like that. Clifford is the best friend a man
could ask for, but he doesn’t have much wit to offer.
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yourself here, you know. It's a lot of work. A late breakfast isn't
going to affect your TripAdvisor rating."
Mrs. Jackson smiles. "Please. Now off you go, feed that dog
before he dies of starvation."
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money on the island and support their community, no one is
going to warn them against it. Soon enough, Mr. and Mrs.
Jackson will be back home in Lancashire, treasuring the
memories of the adventure they’ve had in the Scottish edges.
“Come on Cliff, stop that,” Louis mumbles when the dog tries
to climb the counter, the nails of his front paws clicking against
the wood. He barks in response, but barely has the time to react
before Louis kindly pushes him down. “None of that, you know
better,” he says sternly, putting the pen behind his right ear and
dropping the notepad in the back pocket of his jeans.
Someone else might have waited longer than one second after
their last guests leaving before starting an annual inspection of
needed repairs and improvements all over the building, but
Louis is if he dares think so himself, not most people.
He has maybe four to five months to make sure the cottage and
the tower are in top shape for the next season. His first winter
on Fair Isle, Louis had confidently made the mistake to assume
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he would only need a few weeks to get everything in order for
the next influx of tourists. He had rested – more than any self-
employed person should – and had spent a couple of months
back in Yorkshire with his family and he had left it all for the
month of March. And March madness it had been – Louis still
thinks of it with burning shame. If it hadn’t been for the
kindness of his neighbours, Louis never would have pulled it
off. Nowadays, he knows better. He stays on the island, first of
all, keeping an eye out for the property he rents from the
National Trust. And he never pushes back any tasks if he can
help it. There’s nothing worse he could imagine than having to
bother the crofters of Fair Isle again for more help. Even though
he’d label them all as friends rather than neighbours now, it
would be much more embarrassing to need them still now that
he has got a few years of managing the B&B under his belt.
So Louis walks back to the front door, looking down at the red
and white jumper he’s got on, wrinkling his nose as he mentally
debates whether he should grab one of his jackets, before
deciding it wasn’t that cold outside and that his walk-around
shouldn’t take that long anyway. He opens the cottage door,
taking one step forward to get out while licking his lower lip
when a strong gust of wind makes him stumble backward. He
chuckles a little, trying again with Clifford trailing after him.
Once he’s outside the building, he starts circling the property,
reaching in his back pocket for the notepad to write WHITE
PAINT in capital letters before underlining it. The exterior of
the cottage truly needs a fresh coat. Thankfully, the lighthouse
itself was dealt with a couple of years prior, an expensive
refurbishment that had been financed by The National Trust of
Scotland, so Louis doesn’t have to worry about the tower. He
shivers a little, regretting his life choices but stubbornly
continuing the inspection while swearing under his breath
every time the wind whistles, the cold air teasing the back of
his neck. He spends a long time inspecting each window of the
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ground floor, making sure there’s no draft. He suspects he
might have to fix the library’s and he adds it to the list with a
small question mark next to it, before going back inside to
carefully check each room. First the common areas downstairs,
then the kitchen, before moving on to the bedrooms on the first
floor and each of their ensuites. Soon enough, afternoon
morphs into evening and with it, the list grows and grows.
A few days later, Louis is coming back from the village with
an armful of supplies – mostly paint for the outside of the
cottage – with Clifford walking a few steps ahead of him on the
path. It’s not a road, not really, more like a small muddy
footpath large enough for two where the grass has been walked
on so much there’s nothing left of it and that connects the
Lighthouse to the main road that goes through the village and
up the north side of the island. Not very glamorous, but the
fields of vibrant green, the cliffs and the sea ahead more than
make up for the lack of access to the B&B by car. Only the
most high maintenance of guests usually complain about it.
And by the time they leave, they’ve normally been so charmed
by the picturesque village and the breathtaking seaside views,
that they’ve all forgotten about the lack of amenities.
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is pacing in front of the door, only one strap of his large
backpack on his shoulder. He’s jittery. Even from afar, Louis
can see the way he keeps fiddling. With the straps of his bag
one second, then with the jacket that keeps opening up with
every gust of wind the next. He doesn’t zip it up, just starts
playing with his black scarf as he keeps walking one length of
the cottage before turning around and doing it again. Then, he
starts playing with the straps of the backpack again. If Louis
was a mistrustful person, he’d find him suspicious. As it is, he’s
mostly intrigued.
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island with his shipment. Or even from someone in the Dunn
family. As owners of the grocers/general store, they’re
normally the first to know about any visitors. News travels fast
on the island and gossip usually goes through the sixty people
who permanently live on Fair Isle in less than thirty minutes –
ten if the news is particularly juicy. Between whispers, phone
calls and texts but, no one is left out of the loop. Theirs is not a
land of mystery, no matter how many tourists operate under the
flawed romantic notion of outlandish isolation associated with
the island lifestyle. Oh, they’re isolated that’s for sure, cut off
from the rest of the world, but certainly not from each other.
And Louis was just in town twenty minutes ago! There can only
be one reason why he hasn’t been warned: this man has slipped
through the cracks and managed to reach Fair Isle unnoticed.
That’s certainly a first. Newcomers, visitors, tourists, friends
and family of the locals; no one set foot on Fair Isle without
everyone knowing about it. Immediately.
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So the pacing man managed to reach Fair Isle – and the
Lighthouse outside the village – completely unseen. That’s…
that’s different.
The stranger startles, taking a step away from the living room’s
window he was trying to peep into before turning around to
face Louis. Clifford barks and, for one second, Louis thinks he
might have to reprimand him, what with the way the man’s eyes
widen and he takes a small step back like maybe he’s afraid.
His face smooths quickly into a neutral expression and he
extends a hand towards Louis’ dog, silently saying hello.
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“Sorry?” Louis says, automatically assuming he’s missed
something the stranger has said. He’s attractive Louis notices
distantly, taking in the pink full lips and tall lanky frame.
“Oh, yeah. Hey. I said that before, right?” Louis jokes. There’s
something about the unblinking eyes staring at him that leave
him undoubtedly perplexed. “Can I help you?” he still asks,
smiling warmly to try and put the man at ease. He points at the
black backpack on his shoulder. “You looking for a room?”
The man nods slowly, eyes going up to the sign above the
cottage door introducing the B&B. “Hum, yeah. Do you work
here?” he asks, pointing at the sign.
Louis smiles proudly. “Yeah, I’m the owner. I can get you
sorted,” he replies, approaching the door. Clifford, of course,
sees the movement and gets in the way, excited to get back
home.
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find his keys. “I promise I don’t usually have guests do all the
work,” he adds, twisting the key and pushing the cottage door
open.
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hear, to wake the beast up. “Oh, please feel free to take your
coat off. And drop your bag, it must be heavy.”
The man nods, taking the black backpack off and carefully
putting it up against the counter. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound
rude, I was just surprised. This place is… well, I just thought
it’d mostly be a small Scottish community is all.”
“Oi! It’s true, we’ve even got gays,” Louis says, jokingly
pointing at himself. He’s not usually in the business of outing
himself to guests, but he can’t miss the opportunity to make fun
of their ridiculously isolated, ridiculously white and
ridiculously British community. He was the most exciting new
local the island had in years when he first moved and he’s a
white British male.
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says, almost a question even though they’ve already established
that very fact.
“Yes. Please.”
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maybe he thinks he’s going to be turned away now and it’s an
unbearable thought.
This should raise so many red flags, yet Louis can’t find it in
himself to be wary or suspicious. There’s so much he should
ask, so much he wants to ask, but he knows better. He can’t.
Not yet. So he smiles kindly instead.
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“Just give me the most expensive room, please. And full price
on all meals and stuff. Least I can do is pay the proper fee if
I’m going to be here for four months.”
“I know it’s common practice to pay a deposit and then the rest
upon departure, but is it alright if I pay everything up front?”
Louis types the first name, trying not to feel unease at the fact
that it’s all Harry seems willing to say. “Any last name that
goes with that?”
“Any last name that goes with yours?” Harry replies and maybe
it’s a trust thing, Louis speculates, observing the way he’s still
fidgeting. He looks boyish somehow, in the cold autumn light
coming in from the window next to the front door.
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“Thanks, I thought of it meself.”
“It’s... Twist,” Harry says and the word seems unfamiliar in his
mouth. “Harry Twist.”
“You can leave that here for a bit,” he says, trying not to make
it sounds like an order. “It’s just… I can show you around the
cottage and the tower first? That way you’ll know where
everything is and stuff?”
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small corner of the world with pockets full of cash and what
clearly seems like a heavy heart.
“It won’t take much of your time, I promise,” Louis blurts out,
almost an apology. “Then I’ll give you the wifi password and
leave you to it.”
“Oh, well if you need a computer at some point, you can borrow
mine no problem. Feel free to ask.”
“Not that one!” Louis laughs, rubbing two fingers against his
beard. “It can barely run the reservation system on a good day,
let alone any web pages. I meant my laptop.”
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Louis eyes the plant on the counter for a second. “Do you think
this looks nice there? It’s not too crowded is it?” He twists the
pot a smidge, biting his lower lip as he ponders it.
Harry looks at the plant for a moment, widening his eyes with
incredulity. Louis can’t help but feel a twinge of satisfaction at
succeeding in making him react with more than a heavily
controlled microexpression.
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Harry hums, walking over the creaky wooden flooring to get to
the fireplace. He lets his index trail against the top, turning his
head sideways to read the titles of the books clumsily stacked
on the shelves over it. Apart from the white rug and the three
brown leather sofas, there’s only a big antique chest decorating
the room. The star of the show are the books and the fireplace,
as well as the view. There’s a red cushion on the windowsill,
strategically placed there by Louis to encourage people to sit
down there to read during the summer when the reading nook
gets too crowded.
“And you haven’t even seen the best bits yet,” Louis teases as
he starts moving towards the exit, taking a second to hang his
denim jacket next to Clifford’s leash on the coat peg.
“Did you bring all those books with you when you moved
here?” Harry asks, too nonchalant not to actually be curious as
he grabs one of them off the shelf and starts flipping through it.
“Are they yours?”
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“Lost and found?” Harry guesses without looking up from what
Louis thinks is a biography of an American crime lord. A
twenty years old backpacker left his entire collection of mafia-
related fiction and non-fiction at the lighthouse a few summers
ago in exchange for three British thrillers Louis had bought for
90p in a charity shop in Inverness.
Harry looks down at the book still in his hand, then bites his
lower lip. “The locals buy books for you?” he asks before
passing a hand through his short hair, messing it up even
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further. Some strands are curling against his temple in a way
that makes Louis thinks it must look gorgeous when it’s longer.
Harry’s eyes widen at the words ‘power off’ and they stay that
way until Louis finishes his speech, his body rooted in place
near the exit. “With the power off?” he repeats, like what Louis
said doesn’t make any sense.
This man is strange, sure, and Louis isn’t sure he can fully trust
him yet, but with the promise of four months of his most
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expensive room being rented – during winter !!!!!! – the last
thing he wants is for this piece of information to make Harry
run for it.
“Forgotten?”
Harry nods, following him back into the corridor, then into the
next room which Louis quickly introduces as the dining room.
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to his guest, pointing at the blank sign while Harry approaches
one of the tables and starts fiddling with the list on it.
“Uh?’ Harry says, dropping the wine list. He reaches for his
own wrist, rubbing it with his thumb for a few seconds, before
snapping a rubber band Louis hadn’t even noticed he was
wearing against his skin. “Yeah, yeah,” he replies, clearly not
knowing what Louis said. “It’s fine.”
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“Downstairs is mostly storage. Like canned food and stuff like
that. Alcohol and anything that doesn’t need to be chilled,
basically. That’s where the washing machine is as well for
whenever you need it. Soap and everything is downstairs too,
so feel free to use whatever you need.”
Harry hums along as they finally reach the door leading to the
annexed corridor and the next building.
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“‘Course we’re going up there.” Louis smiles widely. “After
you,” he says, a bit mischievously.
It’s always the best bit, he figures. The way people’s face just
illuminate with delight when they finally reach the top. Today
is such a nice day as well, not a cloud in sight or any trace of
fog. Just clear blue skies and what Louis knows is an incredible
view of the cliffs and the water beyond.
At the top, the stairs emerge onto the side of the lantern room,
right in front of the door that leads outside to the gallery deck
and Louis smiles to himself when Harry stops as he reaches it,
a small gasp escaping his lips as he lets go of the copper railing.
Louis lets him have a moment, staring through the glass panels
at the breathtaking view of the cliffs before he carefully presses
his knuckles into Harry’s back to encourage him to move
forward into the room.
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which Louis has always hated, but as he looks down at the
fluffy white rug in the middle of the room that matches the one
in the library, he can’t help but feel like he did a good job hiding
the reality and discomforts of the lantern room. On it stands
proudly a dark wooden chest that mostly serves as a coffee
table, with a few discarded books and magazines permanently
and effortlessly thrown on it. Louis winces with embarrassment
when he notices the white enamel mug of tea he forgot on the
table a few days prior.
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Perfect for what, Louis can’t help but wonder, but he forces
himself to stay silent. There will be time for that later if Harry
wishes to share, but for now, Louis knows there’s no point in
hounding him for answers.
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Harry nods. “That’s… uh. That’s good to know.” He pauses
before pointing at the chest. “Any jumpers in there as well?” he
asks and Louis can’t quite figure out if it’s meant to be teasing
or not.
“Jetlagged?” Louis can’t help but ask as he leads the way back
downstairs, his dirty mug clenched tightly between his fingers.
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adding: “these days” in a whisper. “Feels like I’ve done enough
of that for a lifetime already.”
And that does take Louis by surprise. While Harry doesn’t look
like the classic backpackers he usually hosts and he clearly isn’t
lacking money, he certainly doesn’t look like the kind of man
who jets off to the US for work. Louis tries to picture him in a
boring suit sipping wine in business class and he can’t help but
want to frown at the image. No, it doesn’t seem right.
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He might have come in looking a little worse for wear, might
have seemed a little shady, but Louis can’t help but feel like the
guy needs a break. Besides, Louis is used to living with the
unknown, the uncertainty. It’s what winter on Fair Isle is made
of, nothing can be predicted. And it doesn’t scare Louis.
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about the application process to move into available property
when they reach Harry’s bedroom.
Louis smiles, a little sadly, at the sight of this tall man and the
shadow clearly hanging over his head. “Yeah,” he agrees, voice
more raspy than usual. He clears his throat. “That’s us.”
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Harry stops moving, stops playing with the keys, and he looks
back up, straight into Louis’ eyes. “Is that what you wanted?”
he asks and on someone else’s lips, it would sound accusatory.
Louis has many distant relatives who have thought similarly
and have told him off for it, so he’s intimately familiar with the
way his self-imposed exile can be perceived. “Is that why you
left England and moved here? Because you wanted to be far
away?”
The rest of the day, Louis barely notices he has a guest at all.
Harry stays firmly locked in his bedroom – a silent but
nonetheless impossible to ignore presence – not making a peep
as afternoon morphs into evening. More than once, Louis stops
what he’s working on to strain an ear towards Harry’s side of
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the building, trying to catch any sign of life from the now rented
bedroom. Yet, there is nothing. It’s like Harry isn’t there at all,
like maybe Louis made him up in a moment of weakness, when
he was budgeting and worrying about the low season. But the
stack of bills in the till don’t lie, nor does Harry’s blocky
signature at the bottom of the room rental contract. Despite
Harry’s discretion, Louis can’t stop his brain from circling back
to the tall and effaced stranger in need of a break who
unexpectedly entered his and Clifford’s life.
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On one hand, Harry would probably come to him if he were
feeling hungry. Louis did say he was available and he prepaid
for his meals, after all. He’s a grown man. Louis doesn’t need
to hold his hand or force-feed him. On the other hand, Louis
does feel responsible for feeding him. But the clock ticks and
Louis cleans up the kitchen and, suddenly, it’s past nine o’clock
and there’s still no sign of Harry.
Finally, at half past nine, Louis grabs a yellow sticky note from
behind the reception desk before making his way upstairs,
scrawling a messy message and sticking it to Harry’s bedroom
door.
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Chapter 2
The next morning, Louis comes back from his run with Clifford
to find Harry on his way out. They awkwardly bump into each
other in the entrance, Louis letting Clifford in first and
surprising Harry as he was coming down the stairs. He startles
a little, eyes widening when faced with Louis and Clifford’s
presence. He’s bundled into the same long green coat from the
previous night, his large black scarf hiding half of his face.
Even from afar, Louis can see the shadows under his eyes,
betraying the exhaustion that’s pouring out of him. He opens
his mouth to ask if he slept well, though the answer seems
obvious, when Harry looks down to his trainers, clearly
avoiding eye contact. Louis gulps, uncomfortably rubbing the
back of his neck before fully getting in the building, leaving
space for Harry to get out. He’s literally reaching out for the
door handle when Louis remembers how terrible of a host he’s
been.
46
some point. That way you can come and go as you please, not
that there’s much to do here,” Louis jokes. Harry’s face remains
stony, not a muscle twitching and betraying amusement. “I
uh…” Louis clears his throat. “I forgot to give it to you
yesterday, I’m sorry about that.”
47
“See ya later!” Louis calls, but Harry’s already closed the door
behind him. He hums pensively once Harry has left, looking
towards Clifford. “Strange fella, uh?” he asks the dog.
Twenty minutes later, when Harry comes back down with wet
hair, Louis is still wondering. He’s wearing black sweatpants
and a black jumper with colorful planets going down from his
48
left shoulder to his right hip in a line across his chest. He’s also
carrying a thick brown leather notebook, tied closed with a thin
piece of rope and with what looks like a fancy pen hanging
from it. There seem to be doodles on the notebook, scribbles
and what not, but Louis doesn’t get a very good look before
Harry switches the hand he’s holding it with, hiding it fully
from Louis’ view.
49
reception desk is spotless and he’s watered his plant, only then
noticing the rumblings of his stomach.
A quick look at his phone tells him it’s past noon already and
Louis goes straight to the kitchen, ready to feed himself after
getting all that work done. He makes two ham and cheese
sandwiches quickly, eating his in three easy bites while he
waits for the water to boil. When the water is ready, he grabs
an old touristy mug decorated with a drawing of Nessie and
Scotland written in retro yellow letters underneath. He drops a
tea bag in the mug and pours water over it, then he hesitates for
a second while staring at the fridge. Finally, he shrugs and
opens it, getting milk out to pour a few drops in Harry’s tea.
Considering it’s tea he didn’t have to make for himself, Louis
assumes Harry won’t complain about it.
Then, he grabs the sandwich plate and the mug, making his way
to the tower. Once he’s at the bottom of the staircase, Louis
carefully starts climbing, slow to make sure he’s not going to
drop either item in his hands, regretting his life choices about
halfway up when he stumbles a little and doesn’t have a free
hand to grab the railing. Luckily, he manages to regain his
balance and not spill anything, taking the last few steps even
slower now.
50
Harry’s back is not fully facing Louis, his body angled slightly
in a way that gives Louis a good look at the way he’s pushed
the sleeves of his jumper up his forearms, his naked skin
directly against the railing as he nervously plays with his own
fingers. He’s pinching the skin for a few seconds before starting
to massage his hands a little. Every once in a while, he stops
entirely to reach for the rubber band on his wrist, twisting it
between his fingers almost absently. Once, Louis is sure he sees
him snapping it sharply against the delicate skin of his wrist,
but soon enough he’s back to massaging his hands. Harry
seems deep in thoughts, unbothered by the way the wind is
messing up his curls, eyes fixed on the seemingly never-ending
horizon, the sea that goes on and on and on.
51
Yet, he still hesitates in front of the door, not wanting to pry
more than he already has. It’s not like the sandwich Louis made
could get cold. If he left it there and went back to work silently,
Harry could still enjoy it whenever he’s ready to eat. And the
tea doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, Louis
could just drink it and make Harry a new cuppa later. Or Harry
can make himself a cuppa whenever he wants because he
knows where the kitchen is and he’s not a child.
52
“Can I help you?” Harry asks politely, eyes curious when they
meet Louis’, and he can’t help but smile in response.
When Louis looks back without fully turning around, the first
thing he sees from the corner of his eyes is the open journal. He
gulps, trying to swallow back his discomfort, to stop himself
from doing something extremely stupid. He opens his mouth,
about to confess everything, to admit he’s read a few lines
accidentally. Then, thinking better of it, he says: “Made you a
cuppa too,” instead.
What’s the point after all? It’s not like Louis really read
anything of importance. It’s not like he knows what any of it
means. He barely caught a glimpse between doodles, half
scribbled lines and redacted sentences. He would never read
anyone’s diary. Especially not after the now infamous incident
where he mocked his sister Lottie for something she’d written
in the pink Barbie journal her bff had given her for her ninth
birthday. The journal came with a tiny gold padlock that she
had forgotten to lock one evening and it had laid forgotten on
the kitchen table amidst everyone’s homework, too tempting
for Louis’ inquisitive nature to resist. The punishment from his
mother had been painful, but it was Lottie’s betrayed face, and
the weeks she spent no longer trusting her big brother, that left
the biggest impact on him. If growing up in a full household
53
taught him one thing, it’s to respect people’s boundaries fully
and without question.
54
“Okay, bye,” Louis says, turning around and sprinting down
the stairs.
Harry shakes his head. He sits down, grabbing his plate and
balancing it delicately on his thighs. “I’m not a picky eater and
I’m not allergic to anything, so…” He shrugs. “Surprise me?”
Louis is far from a bad cook, he knows that, but he’s not a chef
either, preferring to focus his energy on homely and comforting
recipes to warm up the hearts of his guests and to give them a
55
family establishment feel from his place, even though he
definitely runs it by himself. He’s a family man though, no
matter how far away from them he lives and Louis thinks his
Bed & Breakfast should reflect that. More to the point, he
doesn’t cook to impress, he cooks to nourish. Both stomachs
and souls. If there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that Harry’s soul
seems to be in need of a lot of nourishment. And he wants to be
surprised on top of it all?
Louis looks one more time into his fridge, biting into his lower
lip as he mentally riffles through his favourite recipes,
matching them to what’s actually in his kitchen. He’s certainly
not lacking options or ingredients. Yet, he still can’t make up
his mind.
“Who fucking cares?” he tells the open fridge, closing the door
with flourish before grabbing a pan, twirling on his way to the
sink. He fills it with water before setting it on the stove to boil.
56
At half past six sharp, Louis enters the dining room with a
fuming plate of his fancy variation on a classic mac & cheese.
Though fancy is probably a bit of a strong word considering it
only has some bacon and cauliflower to distinguish it, but still,
Louis’ never had any complaint for taking liberties with the
word.
57
warn him off. The money is too good to be true for Louis to
start chasing away his only customer.
And no matter how silent and elusive Harry has been, the
company is kind of nice too.
“Good book?” Louis asks when he’s reached the table, biting
down a smirk when Harry jumps a little, startled at the
interruption. “Sorry,” he apologizes politely because it’s the
customer service thing to do. “Mmm, I see you’ve made a
friend,” he adds when he notices Clifford sleeping under the
table at Harry’s feet.
He’d wondered where the cheeky bugger had run off to.
58
Louis widens his eyes. “I’ll have you know…” he begins with
emphasis, “that you are absolutely correct. That boy loves a
cuddle more than I do and I am a huge cuddle bug. I wish I
could tell you winning Cliff’s affection reveals something
really profound about your character because he only picks the
elite to befriend but that would be a big fat lie.”
“Oh,” Louis says, shaking his head. He’s the one who asked,
he supposes that should have been obvious. Subtly, he tries to
stretch his neck to catch a glimpse of the cover but Harry still
has the book wide open, completely flat against the table. Even
a glimpse of the text to help him guess is hard to achieve. After
a few awkward seconds of contortion, Harry seems to take pity
on him and he moves the book in Louis’ direction, allowing
him to have a proper look.
59
“Found it in the lantern room,” Harry explains, not even a hint
of embarrassment on his face at being caught reading one of
the quite large collections of smutty romance novels Louis likes
to keep around for guests. It’s one of – if not the – best genre
for holiday readings, after all.
60
worry. I… I struggled with academia myself. I wouldn’t
judge…” Louis trails off awkwardly. The silence stretches
uncomfortably between them and after a beat too long, Louis
takes his hand off Harry’s body and steps away from the table.
“Just a top ten scenes would do just fine, you know?” he adds
jokingly, trying to ease the tension.
“Oh yes. Renowned on the island really. Folks from the village
come and dine here when it’s on the menu. To be fair, it’s
probably because they get lazy and don’t want to cook and
there’s technically not a proper restaurant on Fair Isle. Unless
you count the bakery/coffee shop... Which, I guess we have to?
Otherwise, we have to admit that there’s no restaurant on the
island and that… is depressing as hell. But still. I like to think
it’s for the intricacies of the meal that they come running to me.
And not just the depressing lack of options.”
61
Harry frowns. “Well… What do you do if you fancy a proper
takeaway?” he asks, putting his fork down and looking actually
concerned. “Like… say you get a craving? You want a curry at
2 am?"
“I wait until the next day,” Louis admits. “Then I cook it for
myself. Then I pretend I didn’t so the psychological effect is
the same.”
“Is it?”
62
“I get that,” Harry agrees. “I get super snacky when I’m
abroad,” he reveals, suggesting again that he’s well-travelled.
“Just start craving all the British snacks. At least when I’m in
LA, I have a favourite British snack store, but not every country
has that.”
Maybe he’s one of those rich heirs who has had everything paid
for him by big shot CEO parents, private-jetted around the
globe since he was in nappies and now reaching a middle-life
crisis early because he’s never had to work for anything a day
of his life and he feels worthless….
“Thank God for Mr. Dunn’s grocers and the snacks he sells
because I couldn’t deal without all my snacks. I mean, I
basically live off caramel wafers at this point.” Louis tilts his
head. “Not something I’d thought I’d admit to a stranger,” he
adds, partly to himself, “but here we are.”
63
“Glad you like it,” Louis says, reaching for the wine list from
Harry’s table. “Listen, I’ll leave you to it, wouldn’t want to
bother you while you eat, but do you want anything to drink
before I disappear?” he offers, gesticulating with the card. “I’m
out of a few things, to be honest, but I’ve still got quite a nice
wine and beer selection, so if you’d like to order anything feel
free. No extra charge obviously,” Louis adds, putting the card
next to Harry’s plate.
Louis isn’t sure how but suddenly it’s like the temperature
dropped, a cold chill enveloping the room as Harry tenses
sharply, none of the warmth of their previous banter remaining.
In a flash, he’s completely closed off, face expressionless, eyes
guarded and it occurs to Louis that Harry is probably used to
protecting himself this way when things turn sour. Though
Louis isn’t sure what he did to trigger it.
The tip of his finger brushes against the wine list, hesitant,
uncomfortable, before he firmly pushes it away from him.
“Are you sure?” It’s out of his mouth before Louis can fully
realise what he’s said, the urge to know too strong to help
himself. And he had been so good so far, chatting aimlessly
about a variety of inconsequential topic to put Harry at ease and
make him feel welcome. “It wouldn’t be a bother at all to get
you something?” Louis insists, figuring out he might as well go
all the way now that he’s started.
64
“Yes,” Harry says tensely. “I’m sure.” He inhales deeply. Then
exhales. “I’m really sure,” he insists, somehow even firmer this
time. “Sorry, I… uh. I actually don’t drink,” he admits. “At all.”
He pauses for the longest time. “Anymore.”
He grabs his fork again, digging into his plate without looking
back at Louis who is just hovering near his table like a bloody
idiot .
A few hours later, after he’s done the dishes and some meal
prep for the next few days, and when he’s one hundred percent
certain that Harry has gone to bed, Louis silently goes back to
65
the dining room, carefully grabbing every wine list from every
table, putting them away for later. He knows he’s made a
mistake by pushing Harry’s boundaries and that this couldn’t
possibly erase what he did, but from now on, his guest is going
to be fully comfortable. As much as possible.
66
too far too fast and now lost his chance to truly connect with
Harry. Whatever glimpse Louis might have briefly caught of
the person beneath the facade is long gone, protected again
under a wall of silence.
Except it’s been over a week now since Harry first rented the
room and he looks… He looks like a ghost, like he’s haunting
himself, unable to shake the cloud hanging over his head and it
really really isn’t any of his business, Louis knows that, but it
breaks his heart a little, to witness that every day. He may have
ruined his chance at friendship with Harry by being too
inquisitive too quickly, but that doesn’t mean he has to watch
him suffer without helping at least a little.
He comes back from his run with Clifford that day with the idea
mostly formed and he spends his ten minutes shower fleshing
it out, fully ready to execute it once Harry stumbles down the
stairs half asleep in a big lavender jumper that Louis knows was
in the chest in the lantern room.
67
“Hey,” Louis greets, just as he has every morning since Harry
arrived.
“I’ve been really busy with lots of paperwork this morning and
haven’t been able to walk Clifford yet,” he lies as smoothly as
possible, trying to look sheepish. “I’m pretty much the worst
dog father ever today, so I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind
taking him along on your walk?”
“Oh.”
68
even need to put his leash on, technically. I mean, he’s trained
to listen to you if you hold it… Very well behaved, I promise!
And everyone in the village knows him so if you’re going to
get breakfast at the bakery, it really won’t be a problem. I just
don’t want him to be stuck in with me for another few hours,
you know?”
It would make a lot of sense for Harry to ask why Louis doesn’t
simply take a small break to walk his own dog, considering it’s
the most logical solution to this made up problem, but Louis
hopes that his rambling will convince Harry without him
thinking too much about it.
“Oh thank you, Harry. I truly owe you one!” Louis replies
exaggeratedly, stepping from behind the reception desk,
running to the living room to grab Clifford’s leash. When he
comes back with it, the dog shows clear signs of interest, nosing
at Louis’ shins, pushing at him a little.
They’ve literally just come back from their usual run and he
has no reason to act like such an excitable puppy when he
hasn’t been one in years, but Louis sends a silent thank you to
the universe for Clifford’s willingness to participate in the
deception.
If Louis can’t become Harry’s friend then maybe his dog can.
Everyone needs companionship, after all, Louis thinks as he
watches them both walk away from the lighthouse through the
window. Harry’s shoulders permanently hunched forward,
both hands buried into the deep pockets of his oversized jacket.
Clifford is trotting along happily, bumping his head into
69
Harry’s legs once in a while and eventually, just as they’re
about to disappear down the cliffs, Harry caves and bends down
to pet him. Clifford jumps on him in response, front paws
reaching up Harry’s torso.
For the first twenty minutes after they’re gone, Louis keeps
glancing out of the window, hoping he’ll miraculously be able
to see through the cliffs and onto the beach, but soon enough,
actual work demands his attention and he forgets all about his
plan in favour of being productive.
It’s not until a couple of hours later, when Harry and Clifford
walk back into the living room where Louis is sprawled on the
floor surrounded by receipts, that he remembers he was
concerned in the first place.
70
“Thanks for holding him back,” Louis replies. “Took a while
to organize these, not gonna lie. And he’d blow through them
in a second.”
“I was just gonna…” Harry gestures with the leash in his hand
and Louis smiles.
“He was alright, yeah? Didn’t bother you too much?” Louis
can’t help but ask, just as Harry is about to leave.
Louis grins. “Thanks for taking care of him, I owe you one.”
71
*
The next morning, when Harry exits the B&B with sleepy eyes,
Louis is ready for him. He seems dressed for a run this time
around, with grey shorts and sporty leggings underneath as well
as proper sneakers on. Though he’s still wearing a bulky cream
cable-knit top, so who is Louis to assume anything. Still, it’s an
interesting change from what he usually wears on his way out.
One Louis can’t help but notice.
Louis reaches down for Clifford’s leash he’d left next to the
bucket, holding it out towards Harry sheepishly. “Would you
mind?” he asks with an awkwardly wide smile.
72
him look and that it works for him. “I… suppose it would be
okay… ?” he continues, phrasing it almost like a question.
Louis might have a cunning plan, but the last thing he wants is
to actually impose.
“Only if you’re sure it’s okay,” he insists. “He can wait a couple
more hours if necessary. We can always go after lunch. He’s
getting some fresh air anyway,” Louis finishes with a
dismissive hand gesture towards where Clifford is sniffing the
grass.
Harry smiles, polite as ever, maybe a little less closed off, but
still without true warmth behind it.
Louis’ dog goes along with him straight away, the two of them
disappearing beyond the cliffs.
73
grabbing the leash without being asked to anymore and
disappearing for a couple of hours God knows where with
Louis’ dog, coming back with his shoulders a little less tense
and whispering sweet nothings into Clifford’s ears before
hiding somewhere deep within the B&B with one of his
precious notebooks. At night, Louis is the one to take over dog
walking duties, going down to the beach for a little thirty
minutes of letting Cliffy roam free in the sand while he asks
him rhetorical questions about their guest. Clifford never
replies, preferring to run into the freezing water like he’s still a
puppy, splashing around and drenching Louis more often than
he’d be willing to admit. Even so, if Clifford was about to spill
details about Harry, Louis wouldn’t want to know. Not unless
it came from the man himself.
One day, a little over a week after Harry’s first walk with
Clifford, Louis is coming out of the grocers’ with some
supplies when he almost bumps into Mr. Drummond. Quite
literally.
74
Mr. Drummond smiles back at him from under his battered
tartan flat cap. In all the years since Louis first moved on Fair
Isle, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen the older man without it.
Not even once. He’s wearing a variation of the same outfit he
wears every day, a three-piece tweed suit that makes him look
dashing and important. This time it’s olive green, the exact
same colour of his sharp eyes. It matches Harry’s too, Louis’
brain uselessly supplies when their gazes meet.
75
the fact that they’re both too busy to hang out more frequently,
as both men in charge of vital touristic establishments on the
island.
Mr. Drummond nods. “Well, very well. Busy too. I’m up there
every day,” he laughs, pointing upwards. “Been meaning to talk
to you about that, actually,” he adds, taking Louis by surprise.
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“Yes,” Mr. Drummond says slowly, patiently. “That Harry lad?
Tall, silent, but very polite?” He puts his hand up to indicate
how tall he means, grossly exaggerating Harry’s stature.
Louis hums, fiddling with the tote bag filled with groceries
where it’s digging into his shoulder. “Yeah. Yeah. He’s good?
He… he seems to like the island. I… I don’t know, he’s doing
his own thing.”
77
small muddy path that leads to his own establishment. “Same
time every morning. Just going there to make phone calls.”
Louis looks at the phone box like he’s seeing it for the first
time, and he might as well be considering he always forgets that
it’s there.
Louis chuckles, then shakes his head. “Yes, I know where the
only phone box in town is. Didn’t know the thing worked
though,” he mumbles, mostly to himself. Truly he had forgotten
the damned thing was there and he’s not certain why Mr.
Drummond is making such a big fuss over it.
“Is the fact that Harry is making phone calls important?” Louis
asks, a hint hesitantly. He truly has no idea why Mr. Drummond
would ever bring this up, is the thing.
It’s the use of the we that finally annoys Louis. It’s not that he
hasn’t been wondering about what the rest of the village thinks
about their offseason guest. Because he most definitely has. But
none of them have mentioned it to him, none of them tried to
ask questions, so he naively figured maybe they didn’t care, or
maybe Harry was more forthcoming with them than he has
78
been with Louis. Honestly, everyone has been so
uncharacteristically silent about Harry that Louis had started to
wonder if maybe they just hadn’t noticed.
79
Louis smiles. “Did he?” he asks, surprised again. “He never
mentioned it,” he adds, though it’s not like Harry mentions
much to him.
“Nah, nah. Dinnae worry. No one would chase away your only
customer of the offseason. You know us better than that, lad.
They were just a bit tense, you know how it is? No one wanted
to tell you about it, of course. You’ve been lucky to have a new
guest so late in the season. We dinnae want to ruin it with our
silly worries. But it’s all sorted now. I’ve had a nice chat with
him and I can tell he’s a lovely chap.”
Louis sighs in relief. “Well, I’m glad you think so. And I’ll give
him your greetings.”
When he walks past the phone box on his way home, Louis
can’t help but give it an inquisitive look.
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That night, when Louis gives him Mr. Drummond’s message
while serving him dinner, Harry smiles, genuinely, the
heaviness in his eyes lifting for a second.
Harry shakes his head. His cheeks are red, like maybe he’s
embarrassed, though Louis suspects it could be from the cold.
It’s been relatively sunny the past week, miraculously, so
they’ve been blessed with warmer weather than expected, but
the wind is biting as ever, especially on top of the cliffs.
81
“Listen, I know it’s none of my business,” Louis begins kindly,
taking a step towards him, “but if you want to talk about it, I’m
happy to –”
Harry shakes his head firmly, eyes fixed on Louis’ dog. “It’s
really truly nothing.”
“Oh,” Louis replies, putting down the paintbrush into the can.
“I’m sorry about that. Everyone here is usually very
welcoming. Whatever it was, I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding.
I could talk to them if you want?” he offers, putting both of his
hands in the pocket of his hoodie, then he shrugs.
82
“That’s… not going to be necessary.”
“Are you sure? I’m happy to. Honestly, I’m sure it was a simple
–”
Embarrassment then.
“Judgmental?”
“Yes!!” Harry insists. “It was like… It was like it could see into
my soul and it didn’t like it,” he says with a shudder, actually
looking shaken by the encounter.
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And that… that just makes Louis chuckle, no matter how hard
he’s been trying to hold back. “So, let me get this straight,” he
says, taking a step forward towards Harry. “You went to the
beach where a magical puffin looked into your soul and
declared it dark?”
“Because it did!”
Harry’s body relaxes at the joke. He tilts his head down for a
second, before offering Louis a sheepish look. “So, I might
have overreacted.”
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to forget all of this,” he mumbles as he walks past Louis to get
back inside.
85
Chapter 3
Late one afternoon, a few days later, Louis shows up at the top
of the lighthouse just as the sky starts to darken. Harry is sitting
on the floor with his back pressed against the bench, one of his
long legs stretched out in front of him, the other bent, the
notebook Louis almost never sees him without resting on his
thigh as he hums to himself and writes down whatever it is he’s
always scribbling away. He’s wearing pale jeans again, the
bottom rolled up, and his feet are protected by grey wool socks
with a thin red band at the ankle. There’s a hole on one of his
knees, the only indication these are not the same pair as before,
the material frayed somehow endearingly. It looks like proper
use as well, not one of those fashionable pairs that have been
pre-frayed for aesthetic purposes, like Harry wore them over
and over and won’t stop even now that they’re falling apart.
He’s wearing one of Louis’ favourite jumpers too, one he
clearly took from the living room chest where Louis left it after
the last laundry load he did. It’s always a hit with guests, dark
blue with a quirky frog pattern, five rows of large green
amphibians decorating it on both sides. Louis’ mum bought it
for the lighthouse back in his hometown a few years ago, found
it in her favourite charity shop and mailed it to him the next
day, too amused to wait until they saw each other in person to
give it to him. Louis had laughed when he’d opened the
package, unable to resist putting it on immediately. It’s always
been a bit big on Louis’ slightly slimmer frame, but it fits
Harry’s perfectly, hugging his broad shoulders impeccably.
86
After a second of silent observation, it becomes quite clear that
Harry never heard him walk in, so lost deep in thought that
Louis’ arrival didn’t even register for him. Feeling a bit creepy
just standing there in silence, Louis clears his throat before says
a quiet “hey” to greet him.
“Is it okay if I…” Louis trails off when Harry looks up again,
showing him the Scottish short stories anthology he’s been
reading and pointing at the other side of the bench instead of
explaining himself.
Louis makes his way to the only lamp in the room, turning it
on and sitting close to it on the bench, on the opposite side from
Harry’s little corner. He has quite a good view of his serious
profile, on all the microexpressions flashing on his face as he
rereads what he just wrote, drumming his pen against the pages
of his journal, the small tap tap tap still heard underneath the
storm outside, mixing in with the sound of rain splattering
against the windows.
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He keeps watching for a few seconds, unable to look away,
before he realizes what he’s doing and self-consciously clears
his throat, taking the receipt he’s been using as a bookmark out
of the anthology and reading on.
Still, he can’t seem to focus somehow, between the rain and the
tapping and the humming and….
Louis shakes his head, closing the book. He’s sitting crossed
legs on the bench and he drops it on his lower shins and ankles,
the green cover and gold lettering staring at him, warning him
against opening his big dumb mouth. Without permission, his
eyes turn to Harry’s face again.
He’s in his own world, the pen now resting between the pages
of his journal, his fingers fiddling with the rubber band around
his wrist, eyes moving quickly over the page as he reads.
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Louis looks away, back down at his book. He shouldn’t bother
his guest.
Harry visibly stiffens straight away. He’s still hunched over his
notebook, doesn’t even look up, doesn’t even reply. His
shoulders tense in anticipation though, bracing himself even
though he never gives Louis permission to go on, like he’s just
waiting for it, like it’ll be a blow no matter what Louis ask and
Louis… he just…
“It’s fine.” Harry’s voice sounds tired, like it’s anything but and
he still forced himself to say it. “Ask away,” he adds, sounding
like every word pained him to say, but when Louis looks up at
him again, their eyes meet and Harry’s are clear with sincerity.
He means it, wants Louis to ask. “I might not answer,” he warns
and Louis truly can’t fault him for that.
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“Everything?” Louis replies, doubtful.
“Are you trying to build suspense or are just bored with this
book? Because if it’s the latter, please find something to do,
I’m busy here,” Harry says, gesturing towards the notebook.
“I see.”
90
“So,” Louis insists after Harry doesn’t expand and lets the
moment sit still between them a beat too long. “Are you?”
Harry looks at him, straight in the eyes, his focused and intense,
before half shaking his head like maybe he’s not so sure. “Not
really,” he finally says, and it doesn’t sound like a lie – Harry
certainly means it – but it doesn’t sound like the full truth either.
Not yet.
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He smiles, then points at the stairs. “Gonna go get some food
started,” he explains before walking away.
“You paid good money for the whole thing, I wouldn’t really
be comfortable letting you do the hard work. Like… you paid
for the food.”
“Yeah and I’m going to be getting the food either way, but I’d
be more comfortable if we shared labor,” Harry argues before
getting up and putting his pen in the back pocket of his jeans.
He’s gripping the journal tightly. “I really would be more
comfortable,” he insists when Louis only stares blankly at him.
“And I truly love to cook. I’m good at it, I swear. I won’t be in
the way or anything. I can take instructions well.”
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“Yessss!” Harry exclaims, tilting his head backwards in
annoyance. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.
Feels… wrong not to have any normal shit to do. It’s…. I don’t
know, dehumanizing.”
After the fifth time Louis opens his mouth to comment and then
closes it straight away, going back to the onions he’s taking
care of with a clenched jaw to stop his eyes from welling up,
Harry chuckles loudly.
“Ok, what is it?” he asks, putting his knife on the cutting board
and angling his body towards Louis with a hand on his hip, the
other leaning on the counter.
Except Harry isn’t easily fooled and when Louis risks a glance
sideways, he sees him narrowing his eyes, fingers drumming
against his own hip.
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“It’s your kitchen,” Harry finally says after Louis stays silent a
second too long, “if I’m doing something wrong, you should
tell me.”
“How painful was that for you to say then?” Harry says, not
missing a beat.
“Yes?”
“Aren’t I?” Harry asks, looking at the carrot pieces he’s already
cut.
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Louis, ignoring Harry’s explanation completely, declares: “we
have broccoli and mangetout for variety of shapes” with a
serious look on his face. He wishes he wasn’t like this, but now
that they’ve opened this can of worms, now that Harry’s
insisted for his opinion, he can’t stop himself.
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Sneaking a quick look to his right and spotting Harry’s teasing
grin, Louis can’t help but feel like he doesn’t fully hate it
though.
“Our stir fry,” Louis corrects, swapping the finished onions for
the broccoli he previously mentioned. He shakes his head as he
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cuts the broccoli head in half. “It’s fine, what’s life without a
little change, right?"
“So, is that where you eat then?” he asks, using the hand
holding the knife to point at the small table pushed against the
window.
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He’s been so concerned with staying out of Harry’s way and
making sure he’s got everything he needs that he didn’t even
think to ask if he ever wanted company.
“It’s fine.”
“Well, this tiny uncomfortable table sits two so, you know, if
you find the dining room unbearable you’re always welcome.
Me and Clifford are in here most nights.”
Louis frowns. “Yeah, I’ve just said. I almost always eat here. I
mean, sometimes I’ll eat in my room or in the lantern room if
it’s a sandwich or something, but you know.”
It’s the way he asks that makes Louis so sad, the way his voice
gets smaller and he sounds unsure even though Louis just said
it was fine.
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“Yeah, yeah. Of course not. You wouldn’t bother me. I mean…
We barely know each other so it’d be really nice to dine with
you. You’re always welcome.”
Harry bites his lower lip, clearly trying to hide a smile. “Okay,”
he whispers back, focusing on his veggies.
It’s surprisingly not quite awkward, the two of them eating face
to face when they know practically nothing about each other.
It’s awkward that it’s not more awkward if Louis’ honest with
himself, the silence between them interrupted only by their
cutlery clinking and the wind outside. It should feel heavy,
should feel uncomfortable, but just like the time they spent
together on top of the tower this afternoon, it’s easy for them to
exist in the same place. Maybe they’re made of the same cloth,
Louis ponders as he chews on a bit of stir fry, looking up at
Harry, secretly enjoying the way he ridiculously eats with his
tongue out first. Maybe they’re both the kind of lonely that
doesn’t fully hurt, the kind of lonely that’s comforting
sometimes. Both of them tucked away against the window,
alone but together, in a place the rest of the world has
forgotten…
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“Can I ask you a question?”
Harry’s face remains serious but he looks down at the red and
white tablecloth Louis picked out especially when he realised
he wouldn’t dine alone, fingers stroking the fabric nervously.
He shrugs, a small movement that Louis probably wouldn’t
have noticed if he wasn’t paying such close attention.
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That’s not really a question, but it is a story that Louis loves to
tell. It’s his story, the most important story he has to tell, as silly
as it might seem.
101
Loved? Always. But fully accepted by his family? Outside of
his mother and siblings? It’s unlikely and Louis made peace
with that a long time ago.
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sadly, feeling a stab of sympathy for the way Harry gulps
shakily, the other man clearly a little frazzled by what he just
revealed. “I can’t really tell them right now,” Harry continues
quickly, tripping all over his words. “It’s…. It’s
complicated…” He hesitates, glancing up and giving Louis a
long calculating look that he can’t decipher no matter how hard
he tries. “It’d be really risky… I mean, not that I don’t trust
them but if they said –” He stops himself at that, looking
mortified.
There’s that word again, risky. Louis isn’t sure what it means,
but he knows it definitely sounds rehearsed, like words that
Harry’s been force-fed and he’s trying to make fit into his
mouth even though he doesn’t want them there.
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For a second, Louis wonders if maybe Harry has a partner
somewhere who wants to keep their relationship secret, a man
who for one reason or the other, can’t handle Harry’s whole
family knowing about them. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t sound
fully like his line, Louis thinks vaguely before remembering
it’s none of his business.
“What?”
“We were talking about you moving here and I just… hijacked
the conversation. S’bit rude. Please, tell me all about choosing
this place, if you still want to. I’d really like to know. I didn’t
ask just to make conversation, I’m actually curious.”
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It makes Louis grin despite the lingering strain of the previous
topic. “Yeah, it was exactly like that,” he agrees before
grabbing a big bite. He chews and swallows too quickly, eager
to get to tell the tale. “First time I visited Fair Isle, I was
eighteen years old. It was a family trip, though why our mother
picked this place I will never understand. I mean, there was five
of us kids at the time and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but
there’s fuck all to do here. Especially for the young ones. I
mean, bird watching and the beach. That’s it.”
“You have four siblings?” Harry asks, latching onto this part of
the explanation, eyes wide with excitement.
“Wow.”
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the summer, thinking a trip to Scotland was a waste of my time.
God, I can’t tell you how much I didn’t want to go. I love my
siblings, but it pretty much sounded like a death sentence when
me mum first told me. I argued with her so much, trying to
convince her to let me stay home. I tried to tell her it’d be less
expensive if I didn't come… The whole thing. But she said she
needed help taking care of the girls and it’s not like I could say
no. So I was dragged along… Changed my life too, uh?” Louis
shakes his head, smiling fondly. “I’ll never forget the first view
I got of this place from the ferry.”
“Love at first sight,” Harry agrees with a soft, sad, look on his
face.
“So what happened? Did you move straight away?” Harry asks,
looking enthralled in the story.
Louis bursts out into laughter at the question. If only it had been
that easy.
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“I take it that means no,” Harry says.
“Yeah mate, from the first second. I knew I had to come back,
I knew I had to live here at some point. Even if it took years.”
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“Here I am,” Louis confirms. “Been here ever since. Got
Clifford right before moving ‘cause my mum was scared I’d
get lonely and we’ve been living in bliss for a few years now.”
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“Am I lonely?” Harry echoes and Louis shakes his head.
109
“Same,” Louis agrees. “Siblings?”
“Is it?” Harry asks, tilting his head to the right and squinting at
Louis.
“Oh yeah, that reveals a lot about you without you even
realising. I’m a big brother, I would know.”
Just as Louis hoped, Harry’s eyes widen and his mouth open in
shock, amusement still written all over his face.
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Harry scoffs. “Fuck off,” he tells Louis with a huge smile on
his face.
“No, not that bad.” Harry’s eyes widen as soon as it’s out of his
mouth. “I mean,” he tries to backtrack straight away, “I meant
it’s bigger than here, you know? Not that here is boring or
anything like that. I mean, I wouldn’t be staying here so long if
I thought it was boring.”
“You know I’m not the actual island, right? I don’t work for
the National Trust either. I’m not gonna get offended if you
slag it off,” Louis says with a laugh, kind of endeared by
Harry’s behaviour.
“But you are in love with it,” Harry points out softly. “I can
easily see you defending its honor.”
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“Yeah, I got that, don’t worry. How did you waste your time,
then? If there was nothing to do?” Louis asks, curious because
if there’s one thing he knows is that bored teenagers will do the
absolute craziest shit. He bets Harry has some stories.
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“Thanks for helping out with the dishes,” Louis says, fiddling
with a tea towel once they’re done cleaning up. “You really
didn’t have to.”
“Of course I had to,” Harry scoffs. “We cooked and ate
together, it’s only fair.”
Harry sighs, grabbing his own dish towel from the counter and
he uses it to softly hit Louis’ side, no force behind the gesture.
“Stop with that guest nonsense!” Harry says firmly, raising the
dishtowel again in warning. “We cook together, we clean
together. Those are the new rules. You can’t argue about it
every time I help out, otherwise, I might go insane.”
Harry lifts his chin up and jokingly flips his short curls over his
shoulder. “Yes, so beware.”
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“You’re welcome,” Harry replies calmly, carefully folding his
towel in a tiny square before putting it away next to Louis’
clumped one.
They stare at each other in silence for a second and Louis can
tell that’s something’s shifted between them and they can both
sense it. It’s a bit early to call Harry his friend, especially
considering how little he knows about the man, but he can no
longer call him a stranger.
“Listen –” Louis starts just as Harry opens his mouth and says
“So –”.
“Hum, I was just gonna say… I’m off to walk Clifford for half
an hour if you want to join us? We’re just going down the path
to the beach, he likes a bit of running in the sand before bed.”
Harry looks down, sliding both of his hands in the pocket of his
jeans, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“You don’t have to,” Louis adds, not wanting him to feel
forced. “You’ve already wasted most of your evening with me,
so I get it.”
“Yeah?”
He nods.
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“Yeah.”
“Aren't you scared you’re gonna fall into the water?” Harry
asks once they’re walking along the cliffs towards the path
heading down to the beach. “I mean, shouldn’t we have like…
a torch or something?”
Louis smiles, fonder than he has any right to be and glad for the
darkness and the fact that he’s walking a little ahead. There’s
no one to see him be so enchanted, thankfully.
Harry huffs behind him and Louis’ grin grows at the sound.
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“Oh,” Harry says, his body heavy against Louis’ back. “Okay.”
Harry sighs and Louis can hear him follow him down,
mumbling to himself “if only,” which…
“Hey,” Louis says kindly, “you can hold on to me, if you need
help.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
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around on the beach, Louis can vaguely see his shape ahead,
can hear him moving around.
Harry hums but doesn’t ask for the light so they keep going
until they finally reach the end of the slope.
“Why do you always come down if you hate it?” Louis asks,
turning around to face Harry in the dark.
Harry shrugs and Louis can’t tell in the dark, but he suspects
he’s probably blushing. He reaches down to pet Clifford,
making small kissing noises towards him.
“Not much to see at night though,” Louis argues, and he’s not
sure why he’s pushing this considering he’s the one who invited
Harry on a walk and who pressured him down.
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“No,” Harry agrees, “but the company is worth it. Besides, it’s
lovely at night. It’s even quieter, which I didn’t think was
possible for this place.”
“Right?” Louis says, turning to face the dark water. The waves
aren’t too strong tonight, the wind having somehow calmed
down in the past few hours. The noises they make are almost
soothing, a soft melody that accompanies them as they start
walking along the small beach, Clifford running ahead of them.
“What’s your favourite thing about the island?” Harry asks, the
two of them walking step in step in the dark. “I know you said
you just fell in love with it, but if you had to pick one thing.”
“I’m just curious,” Harry replies, though the tone of his voice
hints that it’s clearly more than that.
Harry sighs and when Louis looks at him, he’s got both of his
hands deeply buried in the pockets of his jacket. “I guess I just
wonder what it feels like, to know what your home is so easily.”
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“Don’t you have that?” Louis asks, instead of answering
because he can’t fathom that feeling, the not knowing where he
belongs so firmly from the top of his head to the tips of his toes.
“I have a place where I’m from and a place where I live. I have
a house… More than one actually,” Harry admits sadly. “I have
places I’ve visited. But nowhere where I’ve felt this is it, this
is my place. I… I can’t even imagine what that feels like.”
“Harry, I’m…”
“It’s okay,” Harry says quickly. “You don’t have to feel sorry
for me. Loads of people feel this way, you know. They just live
somewhere and it’s fine.” He pauses. “It’s fine,” he repeats
sadly. “I was just curious as to how it felt, that’s all. You gave
up everything to be here, your friends, your family… I just
wanted to know how it felt, I wanted to know what it is about
this place that makes it the special place for you, you know?
But it’s alright if you don’t know. Or if you don’t want to tell
me. It doesn’t matter.”
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“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, I promise. I just don’t
have a rational answer. I’ve been trying to explain it to myself
for years and I just… I just can’t. It was one of those impulses
that are undeniable. Just…” Louis stops walking and he turns
to face Harry, eyes serious, sincere. “Just undeniable. I needed
to be here more than I needed to be back home. And as soon as
I was here, it became home. There’s a little voice inside of me
that feels… settled here, that feels at home. And I couldn’t get
it to shut up, no matter how hard I tried. Do you know what I
mean?”
“Yeah. There’s… there’s one thing in my life that was like that.
An impulse to pursue something that I couldn’t have tamed
even if I wanted to.”
“Yeah.”
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of the waves. I like the sound they make, muted through the
lantern room windows, late at night when I’m reading. I like
the people who live here even though they’re a bit old
fashioned. I like all of that, and so much more. But I love the
way I feel when I’m here, like I’m the truest version of myself.”
Louis pants a little when he’s done, feels like he’s just run a
marathon from the way he just… bared his truth like that, with
barely any probing from Harry. He looks away, feeling the
prickle of Harry’s unmoving stare all over his skin. He’s being
watched, maybe judged, certainly observed carefully. It’s not
fully unpleasant, but he can’t help but feel like maybe he’s
revealed too much. That he’s revealed things no one could ever
understand.
Finally, after what feels like a small eternity, Harry clears his
throat, then whispers a small “thank you.”
The next evening, Louis can’t help but startle a little when
Harry walks into the kitchen just as he was about to start
cooking. He strolls in lazily, waving at Louis instead of
greeting him properly and heading straight to the sink to wash
his hands.
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They didn’t plan this and, even though Harry mentioned how
awkward it is not having any cooking to do, Louis didn’t expect
him to actually act up on it. Truthfully, he had assumed last
night was a one-time thing, something Harry felt forced to do
to alleviate his guilt at being pampered and that it wouldn’t
happen again. Yet here he is once more, prepared to help,
putting his money where his mouth is and actually offering his
time and labor. Louis shouldn’t be surprised, but he is.
“Yeah, ‘course.”
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potato bake as well as some chicken. “I’d pick cutting a
hundred onions over peeling one potato any day.”
“That is literally insane,” Harry laughs. He’s done with the first
one, to Louis’ great annoyance.
He shakes his head, reaching for a pot and filling it with water
before offering it to Harry so he can put the potatoes in.
Harry’s face drops and he glances down into the pot with
suspicious eyes. “What the hell does that mean?” he asks,
tilting his head with a disbelieving smile growing on his face.
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really easy, you just have to be careful and –” he stops when he
notices the dark look Louis is throwing his way. “Or maybe
not,” he mumbles, moving back to stand in front of his cutting
board.
“Do you know how many people have tried to teach me this
particular skill?” Louis asks through gritted teeth, years of
failure fresh in his memory. “It’s a lot. A lot of people Harold.
A lot of people a lot of times. Yes, some of them tried more
than once. And can I peel a potato without wasting half of it?”
Louis waits with an impatient look on his face he can’t seem to
tame no matter how much he wants to.
“With that murderous look in your eyes, I’m going to guess no,
you can’t?” Harry says, laughing when Louis rolls his eyes
angrily and starts cutting the chicken breasts in strips. “So you
can’t peel a potato…” Harry shrugs. “No big deal. It’s kind of
funny. And sweet.” He pauses. “Even with a peeler?”
Louis gives him such a glare that Harry’s eyes widen and he
mouths “okay” to himself before changing the conversation
topic without a smooth transition.
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Louis really hates the way he’s making it so easy. Louis can’t
even do it with a peeler.
How unfair.
Louis looks down into the pot, pursing his lips as he evaluates.
“Two or three more I’d say? It’d be nice to have leftovers for
later.”
“So… what?”
Harry hums. “Overall? Not bad. I mean, it’s definitely not the
best I’ve read in the genre if I’m completely honest.”
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connoisseur of the romance novel, aren’t you?” he asks,
expecting Harry to deny it.
“I mean, she could do worse than pretty but dumb. It’s a lot of
people’s fantasy. Especially in men.”
126
are too clever can be unbearable. God knows I’ve dated a few
of those.”
“Well, you asked for a book report so… You know… I took
my homework seriously.”
“And you say you thought the book ‘wasn’t bad,’” Louis teases,
making quotations marks with his fingers.
127
“Top three best scenes?”
Harry nods.
128
Harry shrugs easily, not at all shamed by his choice. “It was
unexpected. And kind of dangerous. They could have been
discovered at any time. Him underneath her dress? Scandalous.
So fucking raunchy.”
There’s something about the tone of his voice that has Louis
suspicious and he narrows his eyes as he grabs the pot filled
with potatoes from him, finally putting them on the stove to
boil.
“Come on, it’s not that bad. Most of my guests love my smutty
romance novel selections.”
Louis looks down at the counter, fiddling with the cheese and
the grater, trying to stop himself from smiling. He’s failing, he
knows he is and it should be worrying, but he can’t help
himself. There’s something unbearably endearing about the
fact that Harry, silent and broody Harry, loves romance so
much he gets offended when it’s not swoon-worthy enough.
They keep talking about romcoms for the rest of the evening,
well into the night, and by the time they’re walking Clifford on
the beach in the dark, they’re still going at it. Harry wasn’t lying
when he said he had standards and Louis finds himself nodding
129
along and agreeing to even his most colorful and silly
arguments. It’s a new side to his guest that he wasn’t expecting
and he finds himself surprised that, even after hours of aimless
chatter about an idle topic, he still doesn’t feel bored.
130
Chapter 4
Harry, staying true to his word, helps Louis cook every night
for the next three weeks. He shows up between five o’clock and
half-past, every single night, ready to help and be bossed
around. He’s skilled in the kitchen too, Louis realizes pretty
quickly, wasn’t lying about loving to cook and not minding
pitching in. Soon enough, he starts offering suggestions to
improve some of Louis’ recipes, even gives him some tips and
tricks to make things easier for him. From anyone else, Louis
would find it intrusive and rude, but there’s something
charming about Harry’s eagerness, about the way he so
genuinely wants to help and wants Louis to improve. He often
argues his points with big hand gestures, supplementing his
argument with quick google searches on Louis’ phone, waving
the mobile in Louis’ face with a triumphant look in his eyes,
ridiculously happy that allrecipes.co.uk seem to agree with his
technique to cut mushrooms.
Harry, for the most part, remains an enigma Louis can’t quite
crack. He never reveals anything truly personal about himself
and even though they’ve spent hours together every day, Louis
still doesn’t know where he actually lives, what he does for
work, or even what led him to a short exile on Fair Isle. It’s
alright though, Louis figures. He gets to know different things
about Harry, little things he doesn’t seem to find important
enough to hide, but that Louis is getting addicted to. Like the
fact that he wasn’t kidding when he said his sister was the
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smartest sibling, that she’s an investigative journalist of all
things and that Harry is so ridiculously proud of her he looks
like he’s going to burst from it when he talks about her, green
eyes sparkling. Like the fact that he genuinely does love
romance novels, devours them when he’s not busy writing in
that little notebook of his before roasting them mercilessly to
Louis’ delight. One night, he reenacts one of the smuttiest sex
scenes in the book to the best of his memory, critiquing every
single thing like he’s doing his own stand up on it, and he
makes Louis laugh so hard that he accidentally cuts his finger.
He’s so apologetic about inadvertently hurting his host that he
bakes Louis vegan banana muffins the next day. Like the fact
that he loves music and he takes it extremely seriously, taking
control of Louis’ Spotify every night to curate the mood of their
cooking according to his whims. His taste is eclectic and when
he’s not singing along to whatever he picked with a surprisingly
gorgeous deep voice, he’s rambling and giving Louis facts
about the artist and production of the songs easily. He’s deeply
knowledgeable, admiring not only the artistry of music, but the
hard work and the process beneath it. It’s a way of listening
Louis never experienced before and he finds himself hanging
on every word without realising.
In return, Louis tells Harry stories about his past guests, even
though it’s unprofessional to do so and he probably shouldn’t.
But Harry is slowly becoming his friend, the line between guest
and acquaintance blurring more and more with every day that
passes. So Louis forgets he’s not in the offseason with a mate
hanging around and he tells him about the weird, the unusual,
the sweet…. He tells him about the fights and the proposals;
all of his favourite memories from the people that have crossed
his threshold. And Harry listens with rapt attention, revealing
more about himself than he probably realizes just by the way
he’s so attentive, so captivated by stories filled with strangers.
132
Because as much as Louis has noticed that Harry loves being
alone, it’s obvious he loves people too. Genuinely.
He obeys and turns the music off, trying to mask his concern,
his empathy, under a blank face, looking sad only briefly and
when Harry isn’t looking.
133
fiddling. He wonders if there’s anything he could say to make
it better, wonders if he could share the heavy load somehow.
He wonders if there’s anything anyone could say that would
make it better.
That specific night, Harry walks into the kitchen with red eyes,
his body language very clearly spelling do not bother me, so
Louis puts him to work straight away without asking if he’s had
a nice day. Instead, he lets him prepare a quick tomato sauce
while Louis boils water for pasta. He was originally planning
something a little more elaborate, something that would take
them at least an hour to prepare, but considering how utterly
miserable Harry looks, Louis doesn’t want to impose his
company on him a second longer than necessary.
134
“Do you think…” he starts saying, frowning at the pot, before
he stops himself, shaking his head.
He clears his throat, then tries again. “Do you think you
could… just… distract me? Please?”
When Louis turns his head to look at him – at the straight line
of his nose, the curve of his lips, the blush on his cheeks – Harry
clenches his jaw visibly.
They finish cooking and Louis talks. They sit down to eat and
Louis talks. They finish the meal and Louis talks. He just
babbles on and on, one hundred percent certain that Harry isn’t
listening to a single word he’s saying. He talks about Lottie and
her career as a makeup artist. He talks about both sets of twins
and the various troubles they gave him when they were little.
135
He talks about nappies, bath time, story time. He talks about his
first job, his second job, his third job. He talks about getting
fired over and over before becoming his own boss. He talks
until their plates are empty and his voice is hoarse.
When they’re done eating, Harry hovers near the door, playing
with the rubber band around his wrist, snapping it a few times
against the thin skin there and it reddens immediately.
“Is it… Would it be alright if I let you take care of the dishes
tonight?” he asks, looking a bit embarrassed at the request.
“Of course,” Louis replies kindly, feeling like Harry might start
crying the way relief spreads over his face.
In a second, he’s vanished from the kitchen and into the depths
of the cottage.
136
He’s got his faithful green jacket on and what looks like a too
large beige cardigan underneath.
137
It still hurts when he doesn’t get a reply, even though he wasn’t
expecting one.
“Can I help you?” Louis asks one hand on his hips, the other
still holding the top of the hoover.
Harry blinks.
138
but me here?” he asks and it’s clearly not why he’s been
standing here staring at Louis, but he’ll take it.
“Well, I’m still open, aren’t I?” he says, turning the hoover on
again. “Can’t exactly do nothing all day, can I? What if
someone shows up looking for a room this afternoon? Drop-ins
do happen, I mean… You’re proof of that.”
139
On cue, Harry’s lips turn up slightly and it’s not a laugh, not
even a full smile, but that one’s honest, Louis can tell. And that
makes it so much better.
Harry nods, following Louis into the room and sitting down in
the armchair tucked away in one of the corners. He spreads his
legs and places the basket on the floor between them. “You
know,” he starts conversationally, looking down at the flowery
pattern of the armchair, “I have a suit with that exact pattern.”
140
various shades of pink. A bold choice for fashion though, he
can’t deny that.
“Would not have taken you for a wild pattern kind of boy Twist,
but interesting,” Louis jokes. “I guess that explains why you
always end up wearing my craziest jumpers.”
141
he wants to examine too closely why he feels so much relief
now that he has again.
142
joking or something. It's like he’s waiting for Louis to say
something devastating and he’s bracing himself for it.
“It’s a shame your band didn’t work out,” Louis says kindly,
finding that he actually means it. “You’ve certainly got the
voice for a record deal.”
“No, you didn’t, it’s not… I just.. Don’t wanna talk about… my
old band and stupid dreams and stuff.”
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Louis frowns, stopping his fussing over the bed. “What on
Earth for?”
Louis sighs at the sound, stopping his work and sitting down
on the bed, facing Harry. “You don’t have anything to
apologise for.”
Louis’ heart squeezes in his chest. “You don’t have to tell me,”
he interrupts, not wanting Harry to regret revealing those things
to him. “You don’t owe me anything, right?”
“I know,” Harry nods, eyes wet. “I know that. I just… I’ve been
a dick sometimes. And I’m sorry. And I’m even sorrier that it
might happen again.”
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quiet? You weren’t rude or anything. So truly, no biggie. It
happens. You certainly don’t have to apologise for that.”
Louis gets up from the bed and rearranges the pillows until he’s
satisfied. When he’s done with the bed, he walks back to the
corridor, grabbing another laundry basket of towels and setting
it next to Harry’s on the floor. Then he sits down on the floor
next to it and starts folding with him. He works in silence for a
while before the urge to say something becomes too urgent.
“Well I’m getting to know you and I’m a polite person, I was
raised well, so…”
Harry hums but when Louis looks up at him from the floor, he
doesn’t look upset by the request.
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“Tell me to fuck off if I’m overstepping, but…” Louis only
hesitates for a second before continuing, “I was wondering how
long you’ve been sober.”
When Harry looks back up, Louis feels caught, but he doesn’t
look away.
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breaths, Louis makes a mental list of everything he knows
about Harry’s job.
147
seems to get out of a trance then, looking at Louis with wide
eyes. “I’m sorry,” he blurts, shaking his head. “Bloody hell,”
he swears, “you don’t care about that shit.” He laughs, a bit
manic. “You don’t even know me,” he adds, looking both
incredulous and relieved by that fact. “You don’t even know
me,” he repeats in a whisper.
148
but having fucking deadlines in mind… I just wanted to be the
furthest away from it all as possible. I just wanted to run to the
edge of the universe.” He whispers it all in Louis’ shoulder,
small and vulnerable.
149
away with it. Louis would be mad, but he’s made his usual
running mix a lot better so…
Louis nods. “Yeah, that staircase is a bit tricky for him. He’s
almost too big for it… Sometimes I have to carry him down
like a baby after he’s made his way up here. He makes it up and
then he’s like… oh no I actually don’t want to do this. He’s so
dumb,” Louis says affectionately towards his baby, reaching
across Harry’s body to scratch his ears. “Yes you are,” he
confirms before realising he’s leaning all over Harry’s lap.
“Oops,” he chuckles, leaning away.
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Harry, bless him, doesn’t seem bothered as he takes a huge bite
of salad. “This is good,” he comments once he’s swallowed.
“Thanks.”
“People in the village are talking about it?” Harry asks, voice
rising an octave.
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mean anything by it. All I’m saying is… if you want more
privacy, you’re welcome to use the B&B’s line. There’s a
phone in your room. I know you don’t have one. Well, I mean
you’re… I assume you have a mobile, but not with you so you
know. I’ll give you privacy if that’s what you need. I can’t
imagine it’s fun to have a personal conversation where anyone
could watch...”
“I… that’s kind, but… I kind of like the routine I’ve established
here. It’s… important to me. And the walk back to the
lighthouse after… It gives me time to reflect and… I can just
go down to the beach and think . It gives me time to just…
settle into it, I suppose? I don’t know. It doesn’t make any
sense, I suppose, but I like that I’m… I’m having those phone
calls in a neutral environment. I don’t think I want to… I don’t
know, pollute my room with all of that. Not that all the calls are
difficult, but you know. It’s nice to have a separate space to…
put that.”
“You’ve gone completely off the grid,” Louis teases and he’s
surprised by the way Harry looks thoroughly amused.
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Louis laughs. “I guess. God, they’re almost as old as the
monster at reception. Can you even Gmail on that?”
“I know.”
“But you like the routine,” Louis finishes for him, smiling
softly.
153
deprecatingly. “I have to admit, helping you cook wasn’t like…
entirely selfless on my part. Just felt like… like a good way to
implement some normalcy into my life here. Just one more
element added to the routine.”
154
At that, Harry bursts into laughter. “I mean…” he tilts his head,
before laughing again and it’s infectious.
155
Chapter 5
156
He lets out a small sigh, putting his book aside and mumbling
a tiny “of course”, mostly to himself as he reaches inside his
pocket for his phone.
Louis clicks his tongue, then puts the phone back in his pocket,
getting up from the bench and walking towards the chest in the
middle of the room. He opens it and starts rummaging inside.
“Aren’t you worried?” Harry asks and when Louis turns around
to look at him, he clicks his torch on, almost blinding Louis
with it. “Oh! Sorry,” he laughs, pointing it away from Louis’
face.
157
“Why would I be worried? We literally live without power
every night, it’s not like we aren’t used to it.”
Louis shrugs, turning away to look into the chest again. “Night
generator should be strong enough for a few extra hours. It
comes on whenever the power cuts off and sustains the
essential amenities, whether the outage is planned or not. Cuts
are frequent, but rarely last long. Unless we’ve got a proper
storm brewing, but we would have had a warning if that was
the case. Should be fine.”
“It might surprise you to find that this isn’t the first time this
has happened to me,” Louis jokes, finally finding a second
torch. “Ah ha!” he says triumphantly, checking the battery is
working before closing the chest. He makes his way back to the
bench, and his book. “So yeah, should be all good tomorrow
morning. Until then, we’ll have to use these early, sorry about
that,” he says, waving the torch in Harry’s direction, making
sure to keep the light beam away from his face.
158
lip. “It’s… it’s weird actually,” Harry starts saying after a
moment, “it’s what? Five o’clock? But it feels like it’s the
middle of the night already.”
It should maybe sound like a red flag for a man that Louis
barely knows and has welcomed into his home to talk like that,
but the more he gets to know Harry, the more Louis thinks he
159
understands. He might know next to nothing about his life
outside of the bubble they inhabit here on the island, but Louis
knows Harry has been deeply hurt by the world somehow. And
that’s why he needed to run away so badly. So here they are,
both of them clinging onto the edge of the world, bathed in
darkness, the only two living souls in the universe, it feels like.
Louis presses his lips tightly together, stopping his smile from
spilling. “Don’t worry. I really get it.”
They look at each other for what feels like too long,
conversation halted awkwardly, but neither of them looking
quite uncomfortable.
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“What are you reading?” Harry finally asks just as Louis thinks
one of them really needs to say something now. He slides a
little closer to him on the bench, still a fair amount of distance
between their bodies, and he stretches his neck to try and read
over Louis’ shoulder.
It takes quite a lot for Louis not to laugh at his antics, but Harry
looks sincerely upset, so he reigns the amusement in.
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“I simply can’t focus today. I need a distraction. Please tell me
about your book. I’m not above begging,” Harry says with a
pout and Louis gulps as a flash of heat courses through his
body.
“Oh,” Harry says, scratching his left cheek and looking a bit
puzzled.
162
At himself mostly this time, because he already knows it’s
getting harder and harder to tell this man no.
It’s the way Harry makes his demand that gets to Louis, really.
Simple, not even embarrassed.
“Of the book?” Louis asks, looking down at where it’s open on
his lap.
163
ages, eyes wide open as he listens to Louis telling him a story
like this.
“Yeah me too,” Louis laughs. “But I quite like it. I can continue
the book later,” he offers, before realising it might be a bit
weird. “I mean… if you want.”
164
doing the same, bending over every few minutes to grab some
rocks and pebbles, observing them carefully in the darkness
before throwing them back into the ocean.
Louis can’t tell the colour in the dark like that and he flashes
his torch in Harry’s direction to try and catch a glimpse.
“I’m pretty sure,” Louis says, still holding the torch towards
Harry’s body.
“But like… how sure?” Harry asks, finally looking at him. “All
of your food is in there. Shouldn’t you put some of it outside
just in case?”
It’s not warm, for sure, but it’s not cold enough to keep Louis’
food cool. Especially not when he’s got a working generator
taking care of it. Harry’s concern is cute though, Louis
supposes.
165
“Colder than an unplugged fridge,” Harry argues, bending
down to pet Clifford when he comes up to him happily.
“What if the power cut lasts for a few days?” Harry says. “Is
your generator strong enough for that? I feel like maybe we
should prepare for every eventuality.”
“It is my stock,” Louis agrees, “and I bet you a fiver the power
is going to be back in the morning.”
“Alright, I bet you deep cleaning all the toilets in the B&B,
which is my big task for the week, that the power is going to be
back on tomorrow. If I win, you have to help. If I don’t…
you’re off the hook.”
Harry smirks. “I’m a guest, I’m off the hook anyway. You were
gonna do them by yourself regardless.”
166
Louis sighs, throwing his hands in the air. “Fine then, what do
you want to bet?”
“If you win, I help you with the toilets,” Harry offers, “but if
the power isn’t back tomorrow, you have to finish reading me
the book.”
Harry shrugs. “Yeah, and I’m gonna help you with cleaning
anyway, what’s your point?”
Then, he grins and Louis can’t really say no, even if it is all a
bit ridiculous and meaningless.
They shake on it like it’s a proper bet that has any meaning and
once that’s properly sorted, they start making their way back to
the lighthouse.
167
Finally, after what feels like forever, the door creaks open and
Harry and Clifford walk in.
168
“I’m fine,” Louis grunts a little, letting out a small noise of
victory when he manages to shift it so Harry has a good view.
“Look at this, how wonderfully modern.”
“But it is, we have power and you have to wash the toilets with
me,” Louis says, a hint too smug as he grabs the mouse to shift
tabs on the computer, promptly making the screen go fully
black.
Harry, with all the kindness and dignity in the world, bursts into
laughter. “You were saying?”
“You’re doing the toilets with me!” Louis calls at his retreating
form before looking down at his antiquity. “Traitor,” he
whispers to the machine.
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Louis is pretty sure neither of them meant for it to become
a thing , but it most definitely has. It mostly happens in the
evenings, after they’ve eaten and after they’ve walked Clifford
together. They’ll go up to the lantern room armed with mugs of
tea and Louis will read out loud. It’s surprising how soothing
and wholesome of an experience it is, how much it’s made him
feel closer to Harry. Louis had always considered reading a
solitary activity and he’s astounded at how much he enjoys
sharing this with a friend.
Louis shifts his weight a little and the floor creaks, making
Harry’s face twitch slightly. Louis swears under his breath and
contemplates just leaving the room, pretending he was never
170
there at all, but when Harry moves again, he makes the quick
decision to walk in. Louis goes straight for one of the
bookcases, leaning forward and tilting his head to read the
titles, acting like he’s been doing so for a while now, unaware
of Harry’s presence.
Louis is trying to read the same title for the third time, unable
to focus, when Harry groans a little and he finally bites the
bullet and turns around.
Harry yawns again, reaching down to pet Cliff’s head. “No, it’s
fine,” he says, voice hoarse. “Was I asleep long?”
Louis shrugs. “No idea, mate. I thought you were still upstairs.”
Harry smiles and looks down at the still sleeping dog. “Yeah, I
suppose that helps.” He clears his throat, then coughs, before
speaking again. “What book are you looking for?”
171
“Just this novel,” Louis says unhelpfully, turning his attention
back to the bookcase. “It’s a contemporary romance but it’s
like… really funny. I think you’d like it and I could have fun
doing the voices, but I can’t seem to find it.” Louis tuts before
moving to the next bookcase. “Maybe someone’s swapped it.”
“Just a little.”
172
“We can start it now?” Harry offers a bit shyly, looking all too
adorable still cuddling with Louis’ dog. “Unless you have
things to do today, obviously.”
“No, I… It’s fine. We can start now, for sure. I’ll just go and
grab myself a glass of water and I’ll be right back.”
Once Louis is back with water both for Harry and himself, he
settles on a big cushion on the floor, crossed legged, back
pressed against the middle of the sofa. Harry is lying down
again, petting Clifford who keeps nosing at Louis’ hair and the
back of his neck with affection and curiosity.
It’s only ten days before Christmas that Louis realizes he never
actually got around to telling his mother that he isn’t coming to
the family party this year.
173
but they haven’t had a proper chat on the phone in… longer
than Louis is comfortable admitting.
It feels wrong calling Harry work , but Louis isn’t quite sure
how else he’s meant to explain it.
“What do you mean, you can’t come?” she asks him and he can
hear it in her voice, the utter disappointment.
Jay sighs. “No,” she tells him softly, “it’s my fault. I should
have known. I mean, you told me the guest was staying until
March. I just didn’t think.”
“No, mum. No, it’s my fault. I was a twat not to call to tell you.”
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doesn’t want to leave Harry for the holidays, neither does he
want to send him away. Not if he doesn’t want to go, not if he
needs to be away from his family right now.
175
“Yeah, that my little brother doesn’t love me.”
Louis shrugs, even though she can’t see him. “Dunno, but you
raised me so you’ve only got yourself to blame.”
176
She says it all very matter-of-factly and, through his twenty-six
years of life, Louis has learned there’s not much he can do when
she’s being stubborn like that. They’re very alike though, so he
won’t go down without fighting.
“Mum!” Louis insists. “Please, it’s fine. I’m not gonna die if I
spend my birthday alone. And also, I’m not alone. I’m with
Clifford and Harry.”
She sighs loudly. “Fine, but I’m not happy about it.”
Louis smiles, then rolls his eyes. “I know. I’ll get cake at least,
alright?”
“Good.”
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“It’s alright baby,” Jay says before wishing him a good day and
hanging up the phone.
“Cheers,” Louis says, grabbing the tea Harry made for him. He
takes a sip, happy to find it made to perfection.
Harry turns around straight away to make his own and Louis
can’t really see what he’s doing but he assumes he’s putting an
unhealthy amount of sugar in his, the only difference between
their milky cuppas. Once he’s done, Harry turns back to face
Louis, smiling when he sees he hasn’t moved from his corner
of the room. He leans on the counter, crossing one long leg over
the other before looking down at his mug. He softly blows on
it before speaking.
“I’m the one who should be sorry,” Harry says in a small voice.
“I am sorry.”
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“I really am sorry,” Harry says, looking up to Louis. “I…” he
hesitates and a pensive, troubled, look shadows his face for a
second. “You know, Cheshire really isn’t that far,” he declares,
even though it kind of is. “It’s not that long of a trip to my
mum’s. I could go there for the Holidays, if… if you’d like to
spend some time with your family. I’d get it. I mean… I know
I paid for the whole thing and whatnot but really… We should
have discussed this a lot earlier. If you need time off, I won’t
be upset.”
“What?”
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“It’s on Christmas Eve and trust me when I say, it really doesn’t
matter.”
“Eve, yes. And again, as I told my mum only five minutes ago,
I’m a grown man. I can deal without a birthday celebration.”
“I…”
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Chapter 6
It’s a good hug, Louis thinks a bit distantly as he settles into it.
Harry’s rubbing his back slowly, not letting go of him even
when they’ve been at it far longer than a simple birthday wish
requires. He's a soft presence against Louis' body and he closes
his eyes, enjoying it for a second longer before he lets go, still
blushing a little when he steps away.
With the exception of that one time Harry fell apart in his arms,
the angle of their embrace all wrong, they're nerve really
touched. Not like this. Not properly.
181
Louis isn’t sure he wants to think about why he liked it so
much.
Harry is still laughing by the time Louis is done with his little
speech.
182
nothing here. I’ll help you bake a cake and cook dinner if you
want? But that’s about as far as surprises go.”
It doesn’t take very long for Harry to catch up with him, both
of them running at the same pace. There hasn’t been any snow
this year, not yet, but the grass is still frosty this early in the
morning, in a pale imitation of winter that doesn’t quite cut it.
Still, Louis can’t remember the last time he’s had a white winter
so it’s not like he’s feeling like he’s missing out much. Though
there is something satisfying about the way the grass crunches
beneath their feet as they jog their way along the cliffs. Usually,
Louis listens to music in the morning and misses it entirely.
Today though, in the darkness, he gets to enjoy every sound
and feeling this morning has to offer; the waves below, Harry
breathing beside him, Clifford’s paws hitting the ground, the
frozen patch of earth beneath their feet.
Soon enough, they get to the beach and take a small break from
running.
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“Can I ask how old that makes you?” Harry asks, reaching
inside the pocket of his jacket for a tennis ball and throwing it
on the other side of the beach for Clifford to fetch.
“I knew you were younger than me,” Louis jokes. “You’ve got
that glowing skin of a youngin’.”
“Oh trust me, I know. Well, not personally,” Louis says with a
wink, a bit cheeky, glad the darkness is most likely hiding it,
“but my oldest sister’s way into make-up and skincare and she
has issues. I’ve heard the rant.”
184
throwing it away again. “So…” he finally says, looking back at
Louis. “How does it feel?”
“Twenty-seven.”
“No, I know… It’s just… it feels exactly the same, doesn’t it?
You’re just you still, it’s just one more day. I mean, you’re
turning a quarter of a century in what… a month? Wait, when
is your birthday exactly?”
“Harry…”
185
suddenly reach an age and bam… you’ve got all the grown-up
answers.”
“Well,” Louis says, nudging his arm gently, “I’m turning thirty
relatively soon so fingers crossed, uh?”
Harry looks down, still carrying that sadness, that burden, that
exertion, he always does. “Yeah.”
They stay on the beach for a lot longer than Louis usually does,
ending up sitting down on the sand with Clifford sprawled
between them, giving him belly rubs and smiling shyly at each
other whenever their fingers bump into each other's on his skin.
They talk about past birthdays and Christmases, an unspoken
agreement to keep the memories happy and light passing
between them. Harry makes Louis laugh so hard with tales of
his twenty-first birthday and the wild LA party involved that he
thinks he might throw up. At some point, Louis shares the story
of when he decided to run away for his ninth birthday because
his littlest siblings were being too loud for his sensitive ears and
since he was the prince of Christmas, he didn’t have to tolerate
it.
“I told her I was moving to the North Pole where they would
respect my reign as the supreme leader of the holiday season!”
186
“Well, of course, it’s me we’re talking about,” Louis jokes,
deflects, trying to suppress the warmth pooling low in his belly.
Louis never thought he’d meet anyone who gets this place the
way he does.
187
to get online almost brings tears to his eyes. It’s a chaotic call,
all Skype calls in his family are, the girls shouting over each
other to be heard, but Louis loves every second of it. They sing
happy birthday to him, telling him all about their holiday plans,
and soon enough they’ve calmed down a little, all of them
chatting in turns about what’s going on in their lives at the
moment.
By the time Harry joins him on top of the lighthouse with two
massive mugs, Daisy is telling a story about one of her exams.
188
Harry, as impossible as it might seem, looks even more
uncomfortable at the suggestion. He gulps, colour completely
draining from his face. Then, he gives Louis a panicked look
and shakes his head.
“Oh, of course, darling, we’ll let you enjoy your birthday now.”
189
Harry nods. “Thanks,” he whispers and Louis wonders if
maybe he’s agoraphobic or something like that. If it’s anxiety
about people that drove him to drinking; if it’s hard to cope
without it now.
For what feels like the thousandth times, Louis reminds himself
it’s none of his business.
“It’s nothing.”
“No, it’s not. Thank you,” Louis insists, grabbing one of the
mugs and giving the hot chocolate a sniff. “Looks delicious.”
“To what?”
“Oh no, I’m not gonna do that now. I love them, but they’re a
lot. I was gonna watch a movie, wanna join?” Louis tilts his
head towards the bench.
190
“Well, since it’s Christmas, I usually watch Love Actually.
Which is very soft and cheesy of me, but you’re not allowed to
laugh!”
At some point during the film, Harry finally relaxes and Louis
feels it where their bodies are touching, the way he slackens bit
by bit until he’s fully comfortable. When Emma Thompson
opens her Christmas present, Harry starts crying a little, turning
to hide his face in Louis’ shoulder. Louis stiffens at first, heart
skipping a beat, a tad confused at what’s happening, but he
adapts quickly, wrapping an arm around Harry’s body and
rubbing his back comfortingly. It’s only when the movie ends
that they fully untangle themselves from each other.
191
Harry accidentally spills some flour all over Clifford,
transforming Louis’ dog in a little winter elf, his dark fur now
white. Harry looks at least contrite and he’s the one who spends
forty minutes washing Clifford with a bucket outside while the
cake is in the oven.
With the mess they’ve made in the kitchen, they decide to focus
on cleaning up instead of creating more chaos, agreeing to
make their proper roast on Christmas Day even though Louis
initially wanted it for his birthday. It’s more traditional this way
though, and they eat a very simple meal instead to celebrate
Louis’ existence, leaving them with plenty of room to eat
almost an entire cake together.
They sit outside the lantern room in the cold of the night,
freezing their bums off where they’re crossed legged on the
gallery, bundled up in big jumpers and coats. Louis licks some
pink frosting off his fork, feeling like he might be vaguely sick
after three slices of cake and feeling rather delighted that he
actually feels this way. It’s reminiscent of Christmas Eve when
he was just a child, devouring anything sweet he could get his
hands on with the excuse that it was his one and only day and
no one would dare to stop him.
“So, bakery work really did rub off on you,” Louis teases once
he’s done, rubbing his belly through layers of clothing.
“Not bad, right? We did a good job,” Harry says with a big
smile, a blob of pink icing stuck in his dimple.
“What is it?”
192
“You have…” Louis points at it before shaking his head,
reaching for Harry’s face gently and wiping the frosting away.
“Oh,” Harry says when Louis rubs it away in his plate. “Well,
it’s not a proper celebration without a bit of a mess.”
“Your back was turned, you didn’t see it. You don’t know what
happened. I’m telling you, it was his fault.”
“How very easy to blame the creature who can’t argue back,”
Louis jokes, settling a little more comfortably against the
tower, tilting his head up to look at the stars.
To his surprise, Harry doesn’t argue back again and when Louis
chances a glance his way, not even bothering to turn his head,
Harry is staring at him silently.
Louis looks away, looks back at the stars and waits. Finally,
after a few seconds, he glances Harry’s way again. “What?” he
finally says.
193
“You know what else is necessary for a birthday celebration?”
Harry asks matter-of-factly. “A gift.”
“So, obviously I knew about this very last minute and we are…
rather limited here so I struggled a lot… thinking about what I
could give you.”
194
know…” Harry shrugs. “You love Fair Isle a lot and this… I
picked it up because it reminded me of you,” he admits with
honest eyes, wide and as green as the sea glass and how could
it remind Harry of Louis when looking into it is like looking
into Harry’s gaze.
“I…”
“It’s a gift.”
The week between Christmas and New Years Eve passes both
quickly and slowly at the same time. They barely leave the
lighthouse as the temperature drops and drops, a true winter
chill taking over the world. In the mornings, they argue over
who is going to walk Clifford and they spend most of their
afternoons wrapped in blankets in the tower, Louis reading and
195
Harry writing. And of course, sometimes, Louis reading out
loud for them both.
196
and emotion, all the loneliness of the world suddenly put into
song like maybe it can be made sense of. And Louis just knows,
in one instant, without being able to explain it to himself, that
the only reason the song feels familiar is that Harry wrote it.
That it’s new and precious.
Louis tiptoes from the kitchen to the corridor, going all the way
up to the door, but not managing to gather the courage to walk
in, not wanting to disturb, not wanting to interrupt. The moment
feels so personal, so tender, as Harry says it all, leaving no stone
unturned. He probably has no right to witness it, no right to
eavesdrop, but he can’t walk away. Louis feels stuck in place,
unable to breathe or move, and if he has to deeply take root
somewhere, to tangle himself to a place and a moment with no
chance of escape, then he’s happy it’s here, in his favourite
place on Earth, listening to the beautiful soul of a man he cares
about.
The music stops, song fading into silence and Louis rubs under
his eyes, the tip of his fingers wet with tears just as the lights
turn off, plunging them into darkness.
Half past eleven. Just like every other night, they go back in
time, modern comforts forgotten until morning.
“You can come in, you know,” he declares, a bit shaky, but not
embarrassed. “I know you were listening.” He sounds caught,
197
but a bit defiant, like Louis would ever say something negative
about such a beautiful expression of Harry’s soul.
“You wrote this song,” Louis says, still a few steps away. It’s
not a question.
Harry nods. Louis can barely see him in the dark, but it feels
like he doesn’t need to, feels like a moment transcending their
physical bodies, like maybe they’re meeting for the first time,
heart to heart, soul to soul. Even without light, even without
being able to see his face, Louis can tell his nod is a bit shy.
198
“It’s my stepdad’s last name,” he confesses. “I used to use it to
go incognito in hotels and stuff but then my fanbase started
knowing every single thing about me and I couldn’t anymore.
Had to start getting even more ridiculously false name and
complicated decoys to avoid a mob.”
It’s a lot more than Louis expected. A lot more than he could
have imagined. Yet, somehow, it makes all the sense in the
world. Of course, this is who Harry is. Harry who, even on the
darkest of days, when his spirit is subdued, shines like a beacon
in the night, like the lighthouse they live in, attracting fans like
moths. Of course, the whole world saw and wanted a piece.
Louis sighs, taking one step forward, hand reaching for the
back of Harry’s neck before he stops himself. “I’m the one
who’s sorry. That sounds really stressful to deal with.”
199
“You don’t have to tell me,” Louis interrupts, needing Harry to
understand how inconsequential this all is for him.
“Are you sure?” Harry asks and now that his eyes are fully
adjusted, he can see the way Harry’s back muscles are tensed.
“I’m really famous. How are you going to google my net worth
or all the pap walks I did when I was completely shitfaced if
you don’t know my last name.”
He says it all with so much anger, spews it all out like bullets,
and Louis knows none of it is aimed at him, but every single
word still hits and he has to tighten his hands into fists to stop
himself from expressing outrage at Harry’s expectations. At the
way he’s clearly been hurt.
At that, Harry turns around slightly, one leg on each side of the
long rectangle bench, hands pressed against the wood, head
tilted towards Louis.
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“Of course,” he replies, eyes wide. “I wouldn’t be telling you
this if I didn’t think so.”
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Louis frowns, not understanding. “What does that matter? If
that’s how you feel. It’s not too sad, Harry. It’s a part of you
and if that’s what’s inside you that needs to be said then I’d say
it’s just fucking sad enough, yeah?”
And it’s sad, it’s heartbreaking, but with the way Harry’s
shoulders slump forward and shake, the way he leans into
Louis, burying his head in his neck, a sob caught in his chest,
Louis thinks maybe no one told him it was okay not to know,
to take his time, to think things through, in a really long time.
Maybe ever.
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Something like fury swirls deep within Louis' chest and wraps
his arms around Harry’s shoulders, holding him close as the
weight of so many people’s expectations pours out of him in
grief.
They spend the last couple of days of the year tiptoeing around
each other.
Louis can’t help but feel like, even though he could probably
never fully understand, he’s got a better idea now, of what is
weighing Harry down.
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On New Year’s Eve, they eat in the dining room for once,
heating up the leftovers from their Christmas dinner and even
Clifford gets some scraps. It’s the last night of the year, after
all, Louis figures, might as well. Once they’re done eating and
cleaning up, Louis suggests moving up to the lighthouse tower,
as they usually do, but Harry gives him a contemplative look
before suggesting they have a party.
And dance they do. They go back to the dining room, pushing
tables and chairs out of the way to create some space in the
middle of the room. It’s a bit ridiculous that they’re going
through so much trouble just to dance the year off, but once the
idea has planted in his mind, Louis can’t help but find it
appealing. He hasn’t been dancing in months, maybe even a
year, and he’s quite excited about the whole thing. He dims
most of the lights while Harry selects a playlist, or makes a new
one most likely, and soon enough they’re off, letting loose like
no one is watching.
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At a quarter to, Harry changes the music to a slow playlist and
they start swaying together, having a half-whispered
conversation before the year begins.
Harry’s hands are somewhere on his back and the way he’s
specifically not touching Louis’ waist would feel very platonic
except his touch burns through Louis’ clothes where he keeps
rubbing up and down his spine.
“Anything else?”
“I don’t always feel it, but thanks. I still think I could be braver
still.”
“Well, that’s what I’m going to wish you then,” Louis says,
voice a bit hoarse, raspy. “A lot of bravery for your new life,
for your new album, for your new… everything.”
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“What about you?” Harry asks him and Louis doesn’t know,
doesn’t really subscribe to this idea of renewing oneself
because the calendar said so, not when he’s so proud of where
and who he is.
“I’m not that bad,” Louis says even though he woke up with
two caramel wafer wrappers underneath his pillows a few days
ago. “Seriously though, I just… want to keep being me, want
to keep living here and keep meeting… the incredible people
who pass through, whether they stay a day or… months.”
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“Midnight,” Harry whispers against his face.
207
in the tower. He’s been hiding up there since coming back from
his daily walk with Cliffy, Louis would have definitely heard
him leave. Besides, Harry is a lot quieter, moves around the
world in murmurs, like a ghost. He’s trying to escape the
inquisitive glances of strangers, Louis has now come to
understand. There’s no way that heavy-footed stranger is him.
The first thing he sees when he’s back on the ground floor is
the postman leaning against the reception desk casually, broad-
shouldered as ever and towering in the entryway. He’s got his
faithful red Royal Mail bag on one shoulder and is holding a
beige guitar case in his hands.
A man in his early forties, MacLean and his wife moved to Fair
Isle long before Louis ever first set foot on it, thinking it would
be the dream lifestyle for them. They fell in love with the island
almost as fast as they fell out of love with each other and they
adored the place so much neither of them wanted to move away
in the separation process. Which apparently led to some
awkward first months of divorce, if the rest of the village is to
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be trusted. But now they live apart and are quite good friends.
Louis doesn’t know a lot of people who would be comfortable
living in the same tiny community as their ex and he’s always
admired MacLean for his easygoing attitude towards it all.
MacLean puts the guitar on the floor and reaches into his bag,
fiddling with the contents until he finds the paperwork he needs
and puts it on the counter.
“What?”
“I can sign for it,” Louis says, getting back up and reaching for
the papers.
MacLean hisses and swats Louis’ hand away like he’s a fly. He
shakes his head. “Sorry pal, can’t do that.”
“Since when are you such a stickler for rules?” Louis laughs,
putting one hand on his hip.
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Louis gasps. “So what, you don’t trust me?” he asks, punching
MacLean in the shoulder jokingly, without real force behind
the gesture.
“I did know that actually, I’ve lived here a long time,” Louis
replies, just to wind him up.
The postman sighs, shaking his head again. He’s been doing
that a lot. “Do I need to go hunt for Mr. Twist myself?”
“If you let me sign for it…” Louis starts before laughing loudly.
“He’s in the tower,” he finally says seriously. “I’ll go and get
him.”
When Louis walks up the stairs and into the lantern room,
Harry’s notebook is open on the chest and he’s fiddling with
the recording app on Louis’ phone.
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“Actually, you’re using it without permission,” Louis reminds
him, though it’s not like he needed it this morning, or like he
actually minds.
“I don’t think so!” Harry pipes up and when Louis looks back
at him, he’s finally looked away from the phone and is
grinning.
“A delivery?”
At that, Harry drops the phone and scrambles to get up, almost
falling down in his attempt, steadying himself on Louis’
shoulder to prevent it.
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“Yeah, yeah,” Harry agrees and suddenly he’s gone, running
down the stairs.
“Oh,” Harry blushes. “It’s… it’s nothing. Yet. It’s just… noise.
I woke up with it stuck in my head, haven’t been able to shake
it.”
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“Then you should play it for me. So I can tell how much it’s
evolved once it’s finished.”
“My last name,” Harry explains, popping a chip into his mouth.
“So… Harry Styles,” Louis tries it on, nodding a little. “Is that
like… a stage name or?”
213
“Nope,” Harry insists, grabbing another chip. “S’my dad’s last
name.”
214
Harry laughs. “No. Really not. They’ve always supported my
singing, and my mum was the one who first signed me up for
the X-Factor, but it wasn’t like they were planning for it or
anything. They’re not that kind of pushy parents.”
It’s the first time Harry’s given him any hints as to how and
why he became famous so young and Louis wants to press in
and dig a little deeper, wants more information and feels a bit
dizzy with it. Quickly, he calms himself down, reminds himself
he’s going at Harry’s pace, not his own frantic and inquisitive
one.
“You were just fated to make it,” Louis teases, instead of asking
more questions.
It’s worth not getting his answers for the way Harry smiles back
at him, part amusement, part relief.
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It dampens the mood a little, all this talk of bad karma and luck,
and the intangible place where they intertwine uncomfortably,
interpreted in vastly different ways depending which way a
head tilts.
“What?”
Harry pauses, putting a small piece of fish back into his plate
without eating it. “Yeah,” he agrees and his face really says it
all, the way he closes himself off, eyes troubled and avoiding
Louis’ direct gaze.
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“I do know,” Harry argues, interrupts, looking a bit offended
on Louis’ behalf. “I told you before, I wouldn’t have shared so
much stuff with you if I didn’t think you could be trusted.”
Louis says the last part jokingly, winking at Harry, thinking it’s
going to make him smile at least, but he doesn’t say anything
for a while.
“OH MY GOD!”
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“OH MY GOD LOUIS !” Harry screams again, starting to run
down the stairs, and Louis’ heart squeezes painfully in his
chest, fear bubbling as his mind races between various
apocalyptic scenarios that could have Harry shouting across the
cottage like this.
He runs out of the kitchen with his hands still soapy and slams
into Harry’s body in the corridor. He grabs onto his shoulders,
steadying them both and making sure they don’t fall over.
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And of course Louis is looking, Louis is looking at the
illuminated sky, ribbons of colours shifting, swirling over the
stars like beams of lights dancing with the universe, making
them seem so small, so unimportant. Greens that move and
suddenly seem blue, purples transcending into pinks, like
they’re twirling under the blow of the Scottish winds.
Louis looks away from the sky for a second, takes a step
forward, looks at Harry’s face. He’s enthralled, breathing
labored from sheer excitement and Louis can see it, can see the
smoke coming out of his mouth and he’d forgotten it was cold
for a second there. He’d forgotten he ran out of the house
without a jacket on at night, in the winter. With Harry’s hand
in his and the abstract painting created for them by the laws of
nature, Louis can’t find it in himself to care.
Louis feels his face soften into a small smile. “Have you never
seen northern lights before?”
Harry shakes his head. “No! I… I didn’t know they were so…”
He laughs. “Are they very common?” he finally asks after a
beat.
Louis hums. “Winter’s a really good time for them. And we’ve
got a pretty good location, of course.”
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Louis chuckles on an exhale, finally looking away from Harry’s
profile and back at the sky. “No,” he agrees, “I suppose they
don’t.”
220
Chapter 7
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Louis laughs in all the right places, teasing Harry the way he
knows he loves to be teased, loving when his cheeks redden
under the attention, cheeks dimpling and eyes sparkling.
Despite it all, despite the jokes and the laughter, there’s a hint
of sadness underneath Harry’s storytelling that Louis thinks
might always be there, a dark undercurrent associated
with fame that Harry will probably never fully shake off, a
melancholia Louis can easily sense in the way the corner of
Harry’s mouth moves, the way his head tilts. Still, the morning
passes pleasantly, Louis feeding Harry more and more pastries
while he, in turn, shares stories about his adolescent antics.
Finally, a little past what would be considered an acceptable
lunchtime, Harry declares himself way too full to eat anything
else and Louis pays their bill, taking the opportunity to grab the
birthday cake he ordered especially the week before when
Harry exits the bakery first with Clifford, letting him stretch his
legs happily in front of the store. It’s chocolate, decadent, way
too big for only two people who have been stuffing their face
off all day, but what the hell, it’s a special occasion. There are
fancy gold letters spelling Happy Birthday Harry on the icing,
the rest of the cake simple and void of decoration. It’s perfect.
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They walk back in comfortable silence, their arms grazing
against each other through their clothing. Every time their
fingers accidentally brush together, they break apart, putting
some distance between their bodies only to end up back at the
start, Louis with his heart in his throat and his fingers itching
to grab Harry’s hand.
“Let’s stay here,” Harry says quietly, closing the cake box and
putting it aside for later, the Har of his name now gone, shared
between the two of them.
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got a lapful of warm dog to keep him comfy while Louis is
freezing under his jacket but he’d never say a word. Not today,
not ever.
“Yeah?” Louis prompts, looking away from the sea and into
Harry’s face.
224
Harry smiles, uselessly pushing a curl behind his ears, fighting
the wind. “Exactly.”
“It’s why I love this island so much.” Harry looks to his lap,
refusing to meet Louis’ eyes, slowly petting down the length of
Clifford’s body. “No one for miles and miles and plenty of
water for me to be reborn.”
Louis gulps, heart tightening when Harry talks like that. Most
people Louis knows would argue there’s no poetry in pop
music, that it’s all manufactured nonsense lacking depth, but
the way Harry expresses his feelings so plainly yet so
beautifully… It’s like every word falling from his lips is a pearl,
a poem waiting to happen. Just looking for the right ears to
appreciate it.
“And me,” Louis can’t help but add. There’s no one for miles
and miles and plenty of water and there’s Louis.
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You don’t count as people.
Those vultures who take and take and take. The people, with
their never-closing eyes, demanding more and more and more.
Demanding things Harry doesn’t know how to give.
Demanding until Harry was empty right down to the foundation
of himself.
But Louis, with the pit of want in his lower belly, can’t agree
or take the compliment.
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“No,” Harry repeats. “Not like everyone else. Not like everyone
else at all. You make everything else quiet. Everything else
disappears when I look at you.”
Later, much later, after they’ve had dinner and after Louis
serenaded Harry with a particularly horrendous rendition of
‘happy birthday’ that ended with him falling from the top of the
piano into Harry’s waiting arms, they’re washing the dishes
shoulders pressed together.
227
Harry hums. “You’ve given me plenty,” he replies, putting the
dry glasses on the counter.
Harry smiles, his red mouth fond as the corners of it turn up,
before pushing Louis softly against the kitchen counter,
pressing their bodies together with his hands firm against
Louis’ waist as he bridges the distance between them and kisses
him. It’s a big movie star kiss, an overwhelming connection of
their two bodies, something that has no place in a lighthouse in
the middle of nowhere, something that’s too big for Louis’
small life. He moans, letting Harry deepen the kiss, choosing
not to worry and let himself enjoy the way his fingers slide into
Harry’s curls, choosing to cherish this moment for exactly what
it is. An anomaly. An outlier. Almost already a fond and
unbelievable memory Louis goes back to when the loneliness
of his chosen existence creeps in. Harry sweeps him off his feet
without even trying and Louis… Louis wants this too much to
worry about the consequences.
They kiss soft and they kiss deep, letting time slow down just
for them, until Harry finally separates their mouths, looking
into Louis’ eyes with almost unbearable intensity. He’s panting
a little, one of his hands holding the nape of Louis’ neck, the
other still holding onto his waist. Every touch of his skin is an
anchor, stopping Louis from floating away from this moment.
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When he opens the present later that night, Harry cries.
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“It’s so you don’t forget us,” Louis admits, hating the way his
voice wavers a little. He clears his throat. “When you go back
to record those songs you’ve been writing,” he adds. He’s not
looking for confirmation or denial. He knows Harry’s leaving,
knows someone like him could never belong to just one person
or one place, knows he’d be wrong to expect it. Knows he’d be
wrong – selfish – to want him to.
Harry nods and he’s not denying he’s leaving. He never would.
Still, there are tears in his eyes, an emotion Louis can’t read on
his face. Something like awe and disbelief. “So I don’t forget
myself again,” he mumbles, mostly to himself, fingers shaky as
he traces the inscription before looking at the photo again. All
that water. And Louis.
Later that night, they climb the stairs to the lantern room in
silence, Louis awkwardly holding a torch from behind Harry’s
body to light their way. Once they get to the top, peering
through the windows into the darkness, it feels like the world
stops, like they’re right at the edge with nothing but the void
ahead, the void around. Louis knows the ocean surrounds them
though, can hear the waves through the windows; the angry
wind a reminder of how small they are. Somehow, the darkness
feels embracing rather than scary, a warm blanket that’s
familiar and comforting.
Just like Louis, Harry is lost in thought, frozen at the top of the
stairs with seemingly no intentions to move towards the bench
at all. Louis gives him a few seconds to find his bearing in the
dark, but after a hint too long without movement, he presses a
careful hand onto Harry’s lower back, reminding him of his
presence without pushing him forward. He scratches a little
230
against the wool of the tacky jumper Harry is wearing – a red,
yellow and orange lozenge patterned atrocity Louis let him
borrow earlier after he spilt hot chocolate on his. It’s barely
illuminated by Louis’ torch but still, the pattern gives him a
headache.
But he doesn’t.
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and touch now. He might get to touch all the places where
Harry is soft and authentic.
It’s intoxicating.
“Read to me?” Harry asks, his low voice sending chills down
Louis’ spine. Normally, Louis would tease him at least a little
for being so needy, for making diva demands like the popstar
that he is, but it’s his birthday and Louis is far too gone to resist
him.
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It’s not the first time he’s said so, but Louis’ heart still skips a
beat like it is. “Okay,” he agrees, wrapping his free arm around
Harry’s shoulder and starting to read in a low voice. Barely
above a whisper. Even with the sound of the wind whistling
through the windows, there’s no need for more than that for the
two of them.
“Searching my heart for its true sorrow, this is the thing I find
to be: that I am weary of words and people, sick of the city,
wanting the sea;”
Harry sneaks the hand not holding the torch behind Louis’
neck, gripping the skin there. Tight.
233
when Harry’s been pushed and pushed and pushed in the past.
He’ll wait all night with fire burning in his veins and his heart
in his throat if he has to.
234
Harry is wide-eyed, looking a little shocked, a little remorseful
at what he’s just done – though Louis can’t tell if it’s the kiss
or pushing Louis away that he regrets. He’s panting from his
perch on Louis’ thighs and, suddenly, Louis worries it might be
a panic attack. Without meaning to, he lifts his right hand in
concern, automatically reaching for Harry’s shoulder to soothe
him with his touch before he remembers himself, remembers
the way he was just pushed away, and he stops, hand hovering
awkwardly for a moment.
Louis follows his gaze, admiring the way his slightly smaller
hand fits in Harry’s, taking in the feeling of Harry’s guitar
calluses against his skin. “Hey,” he whispers as reassuring as
he can, something in him coming loose with relief when he
feels Harry’s body relax slightly at the sound of his voice.
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Louis closes his eyes when Harry lets their lips brush against
each other, soft, featherlike. When he opens them again, Harry
is looking straight ahead, beyond Louis, through the glass and
into the dark stormy night.
“You okay?” Louis can’t help but ask uselessly when the
answer is evidently no.
Harry shakes his head with a small huff and his lips curling into
a tiny grimace, barely visible in the corner of his mouth, like
maybe he’s embarrassed.
There’s not much to see, not in the middle of the winter night
like this, but Louis wonders if there’s something about the void
and the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffs around
them that Harry finds reassuring too. He wouldn’t be the first
troubled soul to find kinship in the perpetual storm that brews
on the island. Louis, who has made a home out of it, would
know.
Louis hums, rubbing his free hand slowly up and down Harry’s
thigh where he’s perched on Louis’ lap, his touch purposefully
slow and soothing. There’s nothing sexual about it anymore, no
heat or impatience. Just solace.
236
as he keeps looking through the glass of the lighthouse tower.
He sounds embarrassed and even in the darkness, Louis can see
a blush spreading on the top of his cheeks. “I don’t know why
that seems like such a big deal suddenly,” he whispers, still
unable to meet Louis’ eyes. “It’s stupid,” he adds a bit angrily,
his shoulders hunched like he’s trying to hide.
Louis loosens his grip on Harry’s thigh and lets go of his hand,
already moving his body away from him, putting some distance
between them. He barely has time to move when Harry’s hands
catch his wrists. Louis looks up, meeting Harry’s eyes for the
first time in a while and he feels his stomach clench at the
burning determination painted on Harry’s face, the desire
flickering in his eyes like a guiding flame. Their eyes never
leave each other as Harry slowly moves Louis’ hands, guiding
them towards his body, letting them slide under the wool of his
jumper, Louis’ fingers trembling as they touch the naked skin
237
of Harry’s lower belly for the first time. As Harry guides him
lower.
He can do that.
It’s still completely dark when Louis wakes on the floor of the
lantern room a few hours later. He shivers, half of his naked
body exposed to the cold room, the blanket covering him
tangled below his waist and doing nothing to keep his torso
warm. Automatically, he snuggles forward, his body curling
even closer into Harry’s, his nose burying itself in the curls at
the nape of his neck. His right arm tightens its hold onto
Harry’s waist from under the jumper he had the wisdom to put
back on, his fingers trying to steal some of the warmth of
Harry’s body as their naked legs tangle further together. He has
no idea what time it is, no idea how long they’ve been sleeping
there on the rug, but he’s tempted to let himself drift off again,
despite the discomfort. Harry’s body is pliant and soft; an
inviting abode Louis wants to sink into forever. But Harry starts
shivering in his sleep despite the fact he’s more dressed than
Louis is and he can’t, in good conscience, leave him to sleep so
uncomfortable.
The torch batteries have long given out, but still, Louis takes a
second to peer at Harry in the darkness. The hint of his lean
legs under the blanket. The slope of his nose. The curves of his
eyelashes. His big heart that feels too much, the one he had to
238
rip from his sleeve on the road to fame but that Louis can’t help
but still see through every careful word coming out of Harry’s
mouth, every gesture, every breath.
It’s... a lot, Louis thinks, closing his eyes for a second and
gulping. His fingers are still pressed against Harry’s belly and
he slides his hand up until it rests against his waist, gripping
him a hint tighter.
239
Louis can’t help the burst of laughter that escapes his lips. He’s
fully awake now and he knows there’s no way he can let Harry
sleep on the floor of the tower in February, especially not half
naked. Still, again, he indulges him by wrapping his arm around
Harry’s body, rubbing his hand against the wool of his jumper
to create heat.
“Mmmm.”
Finally, after a bit of stumbling and stubbing his toe against the
chest in the middle of the room, Louis grabs Harry’s pants,
jeans and socks, and gets back to the little nest they made for
each other.
240
corner of his mouth. He drops the clothes next to Harry’s body,
leaning over him to kiss his forehead. “Hey sleepy head,” he
says, booping Harry’s nose with his index. “We had a deal.”
“M’wake”.
“Uh uh.”
“ ‘M.”
Harry shivers again, this time not from the cold, and he finally
turns onto his back, his legs falling open on the rug, the blanket
bunched up on his lap in a semblance of modesty. His eyes meet
Louis’, sleepy but captivating, and Louis doesn’t know where
to look between the intensity of Harry’s gaze and the milky
white of his inner thighs. He might never get enough of this
sight; Harry’s face is lax with sleep, no masks in place to
protect himself from scrutiny yet, one of his hands tangled in
his hair, the other under his jumper on his lower belly…
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Slowly, purposefully, Louis grabs the blanket and slides it off
to uncover Harry’s body, arousal thrumming through his veins.
Then, unable to stop himself, Louis leans down to kiss Harry’s
inner thigh, his thumb digging into the tiger tattooed on his leg.
He makes his way, lips soft but greedy, up, up, up… until he
feels Harry’s hand grabbing the back of his head. Looking up,
their eyes meeting, Louis feels lips turning up into a satisfied
smirk when Harry nods and guides his mouth where he most
wants it, fingers tight in Louis’ hair.
After, Louis kisses Harry’s hip bone, his hands rubbing the
outside of Harry’s thighs for a few seconds before he kneels
again, reaching for the forgotten pants and sliding them up
Harry’s legs. Then, he crawls up his body to press a small kiss
on Harry’s mouth, still open in a pant. Before Harry gets a
chance to deepen the kiss, a chance to distract him, Louis leans
away, tucking a sweaty curl off Harry’s face.
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“Want to put your jeans back on?” Louis asks, laughing when
Harry wrinkles his nose with distaste.
He curls a little into Louis' body, trying to hide his face into
Louis' neck, mumbling something like " 'm cold" into Louis'
skin.
Silently, carefully, they make their way down the stairs in the
dark, Louis' hand on Harry's hipbone as he walks behind him
and makes sure he's not tripping all over himself. He refuses to
waste time regretting not looking for a working torch, focusing
instead on making sure they both make it down the spiral
staircase intact. But as they stumble awkwardly pressed
together, Louis can’t help but think he’s made a mistake. Still,
they successfully reach the bottom of the stairs, then Louis’
bedroom, the door partly open already. They’re both so
exhausted Louis only has a passing thought for the fact that
maybe his cabin like room is embarrassing, that maybe he
should feel ashamed of its size, of what it reveals about the state
of his lonely existence to Harry for the very first time. But
Harry simply yawns as he walks in, clearly too tired to pass any
kind of judgement on Louis’ living quarters. The creaking
noises of the door wake up Clifford who was sleeping on the
floor beneath Louis’ bed in their absence from the ground floor
243
and he gets up with a small bark, nosing at Harry’s feet with
curiosity.
Louis inhales deeply, then closes the door fully behind them to
avoid the draft, silently hoping Clifford will be able to stay put
244
until they wake up naturally. He makes his way up the ladder,
smiling to himself when he sees Harry has already curled
himself under Louis' duvet, facing the wall and offering his
back to Louis, the wool blanket still tightly wrapped around his
shoulder. Louis molds himself to Harry's body, ankles to
ankles, knees to knees, his arm tightly locked around Harry's
waist, his hand flat against Harry's chest, feeling the soothing
beats of his heart.
Louis gets out of bed, skipping the last few steps of the ladder
in favour of jumping, hissing in discomfort when his naked feet
hit the floor. He eyes the bathroom door for a second, his
shower’s siren call tempting after the previous night’s
activities. Except Harry wasn’t in bed with him when he woke
245
up, is nowhere to be found so far, and Louis doesn’t think he
can wait to make sure he’s okay, that he doesn’t regret what
happened. He turns towards his dresser, taking his top off and
throwing it blindly towards the dirty laundry pile in the corner
of his room. He sends a spare prayer to the universe that Harry,
somehow, didn’t notice the mess when he woke up, before
grabbing a fresh jumper and throwing it on. He’s too sleepy to
dress to impress so he grabs a clean pair of pants and some grey
sweats, satisfied that his dark blue jumper at least matches his
eyes. Besides, Harry has seen him in much more relaxed outfits
before and he kissed him anyway. If Louis gets his way, he’ll
spend most of the day with his mouth attached to Harry’s again.
Ideally. If Harry’s willing. If he’s still here.
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When Louis finally feels calm enough to walk into the kitchen,
his face back to neutral and not fond beyond words can express,
Harry looks caught red-handed, one of the previous B&B
owners’ aprons tied around his waist on top of a stretched white
tee. He’s holding a pan with one hand, wearing what seems to
be a pair of Louis’ sweats if the way they cut off just above his
ankles is to be trusted.
247
“I fed him and took him out,” Harry says and when Louis looks
back to him, he smiles a little shyly. “Figured you deserved a
lie in.”
Louis rolls his eyes and huffs a small sigh, disappointed in his
own self, before walking next to Harry and reaching into one
of the pockets of his apron, dragging him closer with one sharp
movement and pressing a loud kiss to his cheek.
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There’s a small beat of silence before Harry squeaks a high
pitched laughter. He slaps a hand over his mouth in
embarrassment, before shaking his head. “You done?” he asks,
eyebrows raised and a look on his face like he
knows exactly what Louis was thinking and he finds him both
adorable and ridiculous at the same time.
“I’m not,” Harry denies, turning the stove off. “I appreciate that
you have a frilly apron fetish and that you don’t just want to
shag me for my physical appearance.
“I like the fact that you were concerned about what I’m willing
to do in the apron first and foremost.” Harry wiggles his
eyebrows. “And nothing scandalous, don’t look like that. I just
figured you might have a secret wife stashed away somewhere.
Jane Eyre style.”
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have a secret wife? Harry, I’m obviously very gay and –” he
stops his rant when he sees the twinkle in Harry’s eyes. “Oh, I
see. Are you done making fun of me now?” Louis mumbles,
folding his arms across his chest.
“Can I hel-”
“You can sit down and let me take care of everything,” Harry
orders, buzzing with energy as he grabs plates.
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“Yep,” Harry replies before coming back with a plate of
pastries he clearly bought from the cafe and Louis’ stomach
tighten at the thought of Harry getting up early and walking all
the way to the village to get Louis pastries for breakfast.
With his job, he’s the one always taking care of others and
while he likes it that way very much, there’s something
softening in him as he’s being fussed over for the first time in
a long time. God, he wishes he didn’t like Harry this much.
Louis would kill a man for his dog, but this… this is much
better, he can’t help but think when Harry timidly reaches for
Louis’ hand, tangling their fingers on his thigh as they eat
breakfast inconveniently one-handed.
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Chapter 8
Later that day, much later, after they’ve done the dishes in
tandem to the sounds of a soft jazz playlist that Harry carefully
selected on Louis phone, picked up from the top of the tower
when Louis was still sleeping, their shoulders pressed together
as they swayed, Louis washing while Harry dried, they go back
to the lantern room. They clean up their messes quickly, Harry
blushing a little at the devastation they’ve caused the night
before, cushions and blankets thrown haphazardly on the floor
and mugs of tea miraculously not cracked where they’ve fallen
off the chest. There’s even books on the floor, more than just
the poetry book from last night, not to mention the torch they
lost in the midst of passion. Louis didn’t remember it being that
messy when they left, but he had been somewhat preoccupied
at the time.
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belongs, looks as beautiful as the scenery and it hits Louis in
the chest ferociously, like a bullet. Bang. This is really going to
hurt him.
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works so hard and had to learn not to wear his heart on his
sleeve in the cruelest of ways, but who never let it change the
kindness of his spirit. This absolute complete dumbass
shivering in nothing but a t-shirt outside on the gallery just to
watch the sunset properly, to watch the sea.
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“Thought you might be cold,” Louis whispers, right into his
ear.
“M’not anymore,” Harry replies and for a while they just stand
in silence, watching as the sky changes, reddens, darkens,
slowly.
Louis tilts his head, their eyes meet, and Harry’s gaze softens.
Surely this shouldn’t still feel like the first time, but Louis’
heart skips a beat with trepidation all the same, with
excitement, with disbelief. With a chorus of Harry is kissing
me! Harry is kissing me! Harry is kissing me! going round and
round in the back of his head. He really is such a fool.
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They keep kissing a for a few seconds until Harry tires of the
awkward angle, turning around so his back is pressing against
the railing, both of his hands on Louis’ neck as he deepens the
kiss, as he takes what he wants. It can’t be very comfortable,
but Louis has a hard time worrying about Harry’s back when
he bites into his lower lip like that. Louis groans into his mouth,
one hand grabbing onto the railing for balance as the other
holds onto Harry’s hips, fingers digging into the flesh, keeping
him in place. Suddenly, things start getting heated and Louis is
kissing his way along Harry’s jaw, sucking into his neck,
delighting in the little moans coming out of Harry’s mouth.
Teasingly, he presses their thighs together, a hint of where he
wants this to go, and Harry’s hips roll as he follows Louis’
movement.
“What?” Louis asks, pushing Harry’s hair off his forehead and
rubbing a thumb between his eyebrows, their bodies still a bit
too tangled together. “What’s wrong?”
“Your cardigan fell,” Harry says with a pant and Louis looks
down at where the offensive garment now lies sadly on the roof
of the cottage.
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“I like her though,” Harry gasps, reaching for Louis’ shoulders
and grabbing at them.
“Well,” he says teasingly, crossing one leg over the other, “if
you don’t want her to die an orphan, I guess I’ll have to go and
rescue her. So you can officially adopt her, you know?” He
smirks when Harry’s face falls, the realisation he’s being
denied more kisses slowly taking over his face.
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“We don’t have to do that now,” Harry insists, taking a step
forward, reaching for Louis’ waist.
Louis is too fast though, agile and prepared, and he steps out of
the way just in time, reaching for the door to get back inside.
Ten minutes later, Louis is standing on top of the roof, one hand
resting triumphantly on his hip while the other holds the
precious cardigan up for Harry to see. The sun is practically
fully set now, darkness enveloping them, but it’s more a
principle thing than anything else. Harry is holding the ladder
with two firm hands, Louis’ denim jacket cute and snug around
his shoulders, but there’s a slightly worried look on his face.
Louis can tell.
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“Can you come down now?” Harry asks, a tad impatient though
Louis suspects it’s hiding more worry than anything else. “It’s
dark now, you’ll fall off.”
Louis keeps his eyes fixed on the ceiling for a while, feeling
the weight of Harry’s gaze on his face but choosing not to say
anything. He’s still surprised at how tidy Harry’s kept the room,
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no bags, or clothing in sight. He caught a glimpse of his guitar
and a pile of notebooks in one corner when they barged in a
couple of hours ago, but apart from that small hint of personal
belongings, everything that Harry owns seems neatly tucked
away. It fits him and his careful, calculated manner, Louis
supposes. The kind of man who takes a while to reveal himself
and keeps his inner feelings tucked away too. Louis smiles to
himself as soon as the thought enters his mind, remembering
all the times Harry has chosen to cautiously open to him, all the
ways he’s been honest perhaps against his first instinct.
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“Yes,” Harry acknowledges without explaining himself, “I
am.”
Louis licks his lower lip, trying to delay the inevitable, but soon
enough he’s unable to help himself and he turns on his side in
one movement to face Harry, trapping his leg between both of
his. He smiles when their eyes finally meet.
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“There,” Louis teases, “now you can look all you want.”
“I’ll have you know, I think I indulge you just the right
amount,” Louis says seriously, before leaning in to kiss the tip
of Harry’s nose, delighting in the way he scrunches it.
Harry is pensive, silent, the first time he’s been so since they
first kissed, and Louis isn’t sure if he should offer more comfort
now that they’ve started… whatever this is that they’re doing.
If maybe he shouldn’t just let him be as he usually does. When
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they first woke up, he assumed Harry was only half asleep, non-
communicative because he hadn’t had a chance to fully wake
yet, but as they get closer and closer to the village, it becomes
obvious he’s probably having one of those difficult moody days
he has sometimes, stuck in his head and his worries. So Louis
decides to do as he usually does, decides to walk alongside him
silently, ready to offer a hand or a shoulder, should Harry need
it.
When they get to the edge of the village, the red phone box a
shadowed figure in the darkness ahead of them, Harry stops
walking.
“Is that alright?” Harry asks, a people pleaser if there ever was
one, and Louis smiles, shaking his head.
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“Come on doggo,” Louis calls to Clifford, walking past the
booth and straight to the bakery.
Mrs. Clark tops up his tea twice while he waits and he’s only
halfway through the third cuppa when Harry walks through the
door, a vision in Louis’ denim jacket and a white turtleneck.
Mrs. Clark beams when she sees him and he exchanges a tiny
look with Louis before going up to the counter to order
breakfast. Louis doesn’t mean to creepily stare, but he can’t
help the way his gaze sticks to Harry’s body, observing every
micro-shift in his body language to try and figure out if he’s
still upset. As it is, he seems much looser than before, his
cheeks dimpling honestly when he hands a tenner to Mrs. Clark
and refuses the change. Louis looks away when Harry turns
around, a couple of plates filled with pastries in his hand.
“No tea?” Louis teases when Harry joins him at the table.
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Harry shrugs, placing one of the plates filled with his favourites
in front of Louis’. “Figured you’d probably had some left to
share,” he says, sitting down and automatically reaching for
Louis’ half full mug.
“Did you even eat anything?” Harry asks, shaking his head.
Harry licks his lower lip, grabbing a banana and pecan muffin
from his own plate. “Touch é, ” he replies before taking a huge
bite out of it, from top to bottom, eating a third of it in one go.
Louis lets him chew for a bit before asking the question burning
at the tip of his tongue.
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“Yeah,” Harry agrees. He takes another sip of tea before giving
it back. “Definitely. I had a lot on my mind this morning. My
brain was all…” he wiggles his fingers to illustrate his point.
“Talking it out helped. I feel great.”
Louis takes two last large gulps of tea before handing it back.
“You keep the rest,” he says, “I’ve had enough already.”
“I’m not going to argue with that,” Harry laughs, taking the
mug again and placing it next to his plate.
Louis shakes his head when he rolls his eyes. “Nah,” he replies,
not saying any of the foolish things he’s thinking, like that
Harry’s dimples are two commas of happiness etched into his
skin, two small pauses of joy that illuminate his face. “Don’t
think of them like that.”
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to be able to let go, Harry’s skin too soft to the touch, the
gesture somehow comforting to Louis .
“He wants your attention,” Louis says, rolling his eyes. Not that
he can blame his dog. “He doesn’t care about the muffin. He’s
become codependent I think. He likes you more than me, you
know,” he adds pointedly, pretending to be offended.
“Good. It shouldn’t be.” Harry lifts the mug, taking one, two,
three long gulps before putting it down on the table and sliding
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it away from him. “Nothing like a good cuppa not made to your
taste,” he jokes before winking at Louis.
“I mean, you’re the one who stole it, you knew exactly what
you were getting into. If you wanted something disgustingly
sweet you could have bought your own tea.”
They take their time eating the rest of their breakfast, going
through the absurd amount of pastries Harry purchased
relatively quickly. Soon enough, there’s nothing but crumbs
left in their respective plates and Louis almost can’t believe the
amount of food he just ate. They leave just as the bakery gets
busy, waving to almost half the village on their way out,
everyone enthusiastic to see them and eager to have a chat.
Louis dodges a few “how’s it going?” by nodding, smiling and
giving dorky thumbs up until they’re finally back on the streets.
Once they’ve got some privacy, Harry laughs a little.
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“Gotta love how everyone is in everyone’s business,” he
comments, obviously referring to the way people started
gossiping with each other as soon as someone new entered the
coffee shop, the noise level rising with each new arrival.
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Harry smiles, a bit embarrassed. “Did you really think I was a
weirdo?” he asks, reaching for the hand Louis still has up in the
air, bringing it down and tangling their fingers together.
“But how did nobody see you?” Louis asks, pushing a little. “I
mean, I know the port isn’t usually extremely busy, unless
we’re expecting a delivery of goods, or people. Sometimes
both,” Louis explains, “but it’s rarely completely deserted.
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“Well, things sure worked out in your favour.”
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The lighthouse is in sight, finally, and Louis is tempted to just
drag him back inside, push him against the front door and
unwrap him like a present, taking off his turtleneck and leave a
mark on the unveiled skin, ravishing him right there, barely past
the threshold.
The day is young and they’ve got time. They’ve got a bit of
time. If Louis thinks it often enough, it might make it true.
When they reach the beach, Clifford runs straight for the water,
getting in and out in a second, barking in what Louis chooses
to interpret as displeasure at the temperature. Harry laughs,
grabbing a discarded piece of wood and throwing it powerfully
ahead. Clifford takes the bait and runs for it, tail wagging
excitedly, water-related upset long forgotten.
“How cold do you think it is?” Harry asks, eyes squinting at the
horizon, the way the sea stretches and stretches, the strength of
the waves.
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Harry rolls his eyes, bending down to grab the stick from
Clifford’s mouth. “Good boy,” he whispers before throwing it
again. “I know that!” he says for Louis’ benefit. “I mean the….
Loony thing?”
“Oh! It’s an event in Fife. On the first day of the year, people
throw themselves in the freezing waters. S’mostly for charity,
but also… you know… It’s like you were saying, water is
cleansing and it’s a new beginning and everything.”
Only half the village had stayed on Fair Isle for the holidays
that year, all of them piling into Louis’ big dining room on his
birthday to share dishes everyone had brought especially,
popping crackers and rallying around each other to make sure
it was a memorable season. Louis had gotten drunk on Mrs.
Reid’s punch and had played the piano until two in the morning
while everyone danced. For Hogmanay, Mr. Drummond had
made a huge bonfire on the beach and most of them had spent
the entire night outside celebrating, watching the sunrise still
drunk before running into the sea fully clothed under the first
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few rays of sunshine. Louis had been cold, for sure, but it had
felt good to feel part of something.
“It’s not Hogmanay,” Louis shouts after him. “Come on, don’t
be stupid, it’s bloody freezing!”
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myself!” Harry yells, wearing nothing but a thin tank top and
his jeans, arms spread out.
“Don’t you dare,” Louis calls warningly, taking a step back just
as Harry’s body forcefully collides with his in a clumsily hug,
both of them tumbling down onto the beach as Louis lets go of
Harry’s clothes.
“I’m cold,” Harry whines in Louis’ neck, trying to hide his icy,
wet face into Louis’ skin. The entire length of his soaked body
is pressing against Louis’, water seeping into his dry clothes.
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“Get off of me,” Louis squirms, trying to put distance between
their bodies, but he’s pinned down on the beach.
“It’s not funny,” Harry says, still squirming, though he’s clearly
laughing too.
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It probably shouldn’t turn Louis on and he finds himself sliding
his hands into the wet back pockets of Harry’s jeans to stop him
from squirming against him. There are goosebumps all over
Harry’s naked arms, his wet hair tickling Louis’ face, under his
jaw, his neck, the weight of him solid and comforting over
Louis’ body.
Harry snorts, but he finally gets up, wrapping his arms around
himself as soon as he’s standing. “I could have planned this
better,” he admits, teeth clattering.
Louis rolls his eyes, walking past Harry to grab the clothing
he’s discarded. He hands him the white turtleneck. “Putting this
on instead will help. Not much we can do about the bottom until
we get home, but that’ll keep you warm a little at least.”
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Louis barely lets himself be distracted by Harry’s skin, by its
pallor contrasted with the black of his tattoos, the way the
butterfly on his stomach seems to be moving every time Harry
breathes, the way drops of water are sliding down his
collarbones, over the gorgeous swallows inked there.
Harry hands him the drenched tank top and takes the jumper,
putting it on immediately. Then, Louis bends down to retrieve
his shoes, watching as Harry tries to get as much sand off his
toes before putting both the socks and the vans on. Finally,
Louis helps him put the denim jacket back on, holding it open
for Harry to slide inside, squeezing the back of his shoulders
once he’s done.
“Better?” Louis asks into Harry’s ear before kissing the delicate
skin underneath.
“Yes, well, that’s what happens when someone jumps into the
sea in the middle of winter,” Louis says, turning Harry around
so they’re facing each other, starting to button up the denim
jacket for him.
“No regrets,” Harry says sincerely and when Louis looks away
from the task at hand, his green eyes are sparkling with
something new and there’s a healthy flush on the skin of his
cheeks. He’s smiling widely despite still shaking from the cold.
“Wanna head back home?” Louis asks, only realising too late
the way he’s slipped up, the way he called the
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lighthouse home , the way he implied it’s Harry’s too. His heart
jumps in his throat, a painful throb.
Oh, how Louis wishes that were true, that it was that simple.
That Harry could call this place home like he does.
“Okay, this isn’t fun anymore,” he says and it’s the lack of
whining and exaggerated sadness that clues Louis in that he’s
sincerely uncomfortable now.
Louis rolls his eyes to hide the way it makes him blush, bending
down to take off his trainers. Harry does the same before taking
his jacket off and putting it next to Louis’ on the reception desk.
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Except Louis shakes his head, reaching over the reception desk
to grab the specific key he needs, putting it safely in his pocket.
“No, you won’t,” Louis repeats, rolling his eyes where Harry
can’t see him.
Once they reach the first floor, Louis walks past Harry’s
bedroom, ignoring the door entirely.
The double bed stands proud in the middle of the room, the
duvet a rich scarlet that stands out. The cream wallpaper has a
subtle swirl textured pattern, muted, but elegant. There’s not
much space for furniture so the room is mostly empty apart for
a slim bedside table on the right. There’s a small closet that
doesn’t allow much space for clothes and a door that leads to
the ensuite, the only true selling point of this specific room.
It’s the only one in the entire Bed & Breakfast with a bath,
making it quite a popular choice amongst guests. Louis only
uses it when the B&B is empty of course but, once in a while,
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he enjoys a nice soak, putting relaxing music or a podcast on as
he takes his time in the warm water.
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He starts walking backwards, with his fingers gripping Harry’s
jumper until they reach the edge of the tub. There’s nothing but
the sound of the water pouring and their breathing echoing in
the bathroom. Louis smiles, a bit teasing, a bit cocky, and he
takes one step forward, until they’re only a breath apart, sliding
his hands under Harry’s jumper, smile turning into a smirk
when he shivers at the touch. Louis licks his lower lip, his eyes
never leaving Harry’s as he pushes the fabric up, up, up. He
helps him take it off completely, throwing it carelessly over his
shoulder onto the black and white tiles. They stare at each other
for a few seconds, goosebumps erupting all over Harry’s flesh
and Louis looks down, the tip of his index caressing Harry’s
butterfly and down, down, down, the muscles of his stomach
tightening. When he reaches the button of his jeans, Louis
wastes no time unfastening it and pulling the zipper down.
Harry swears under his breath when Louis gets to his knees, but
all he does is help him out of the wet jeans, struggling a little
to get them down Harry’s thighs where they cling. Then, Louis
reaches for the waistband of Harry’s pants, finally undressing
him completely. Without even a glance to where Harry is
getting aroused, Louis gets up and turns back to the tub, turning
both taps off and putting a finger into water to test the
temperature one last time.
Harry frowns, but nods, climbing over the tub and slowly
sinking in. “It’s not very nice, you know,” he says as he lowers
his shoulders into the water, his back resting against the
porcelain. “To work me up like that and leave me.”
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“Poor little pop star,” Louis whispers, leaning down over the
tub to kiss Harry a bit rougher than he should, thumb digging
into his jaw as he takes what he wants, biting Harry’s lower lip
for good measure at the end. “It must be hard not to get what
you want every second of every day.”
“Louuuuu!”
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He goes downstairs quickly, grabbing two of his fluffiest
towels and what he thinks is the script to a play before running
back up.
Harry blinks a bit sleepily at him, his skin flushed, lips parted.
“I got bored without you,” he says, voice even though he never
stops moving his hand.
After, once they’ve washed and changed the bath water, Harry
leans back against Louis’ chest, listening to his dramatic
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reading of the play: some dark comedy about a group of
gangsters in Soho in the fifties that has Harry in stitches. Louis
does the voices, one elbow leaning against the tub as he holds
the book up, his other hand spread on Harry’s lower belly. He
can feel it in his entire body when he makes Harry laugh, a flash
of satisfaction throbbing in his chest every single time. They
waste most of the morning naked, staying in the bath long after
the water has gone lukewarm at best, laughing and kissing.
When the play turns serious, and then tragic, Harry gasps, so
enthralled, so in the moment, and Louis wants to bottle it. Louis
wants time to stop. If he had to pick a moment to stay in forever,
it’d be now. Just the two of them. No one’s expectations
hanging over Harry’s shoulders. Just Louis’ body wrapped
around him, shielding him as best he can. Just the two of them
being goofy, having fun.
But soon enough, the play ends, the bath water turns freezing,
and they get hungry.
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room, faces pressed against the windows as they watch the
storm rise. They intertwine their fingers as the waves crash
against the cliffs, listening to the pitter-patter of rain against the
windows.
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Chapter 9
A few days later, they’re cuddling in Harry’s big bed. The sun
just started setting and they’ve wasted almost all day watching
romcoms on Louis’ laptop, Harry cheering goofily in the most
unbearably romantic parts, even tearing up once or twice at
heartfelt speeches, trying to hide his blotchy face in Louis’
shoulder, cheeks red with embarrassment.
He’s still staring right at the laptop when he asks the question,
his whole body resting on Louis’, the long lean weight of him
comfortable. They’re both leaning on the headboard, Louis
propped up with multiple pillows and Harry propped up on
Louis.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Harry says. “I was just curious.”
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night stands once in a while when he’s on the mainland, Louis
has been pretty celibate since he moved to Fair Isle. His latest
boyfriend dates back to his university days and romantic
gestures weren’t exactly on Brian’s mind.
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exposed by his stretched out tee. “S’no big deal. I’m not
suffering from it. I don’t feel like I’m missing out.”
Louis feels himself flush a little. “You don’t have to,” he says
sheepishly, but Harry only huffs again.
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“How about you?”
“Mmmmh?”
“Oh, you do. Spill,” Louis insists, digging the fingers of his free
hand into Harry’s waist.
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One of the few times I was actually glad I wasn’t out, so no one
could officially connect it to me, to be honest.”
Louis is pretty sure that’s not the gesture that had Harry
blushing so prettily, but it’s alright. He can keep his secret.
But Harry shakes his head. “No,” he says, closing his eyes.
“I’m too comfy, don’t want to move.”
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“Alright,” Louis agrees, kissing his temple. “We won’t.”
Harry ambushes Louis after his morning jog three days later
when he’s trying to sneak back into the cottage unseen, hoping
to hop into the shower before he’s attacked by more breakfast.
Harry, true to his word, has been cooking for him every
morning since they’ve discussed romantic gestures, a mixture
of his stubbornness and sweetness infused in every item
included in the meals.
Louis is busy very slowly closing the front door to make sure it
doesn’t creak and alert Harry in the kitchen when he almost has
a heart attack.
“What the hell!” Louis says, a hand pressed to his chest. His
heart is beating twice as fast as normal and Harry is still
nowhere in sight.
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“Were you sitting on the floor?” Louis asks, passing a hand
through his hair. It’s a bit wet with sweat and fringe sticking up
in the front where he’s tousled it.
Louis shakes his head, taking a step back into the corridor.
“I’ve told you,” he laughs, as he starts to walk away from
reception and towards the annex, “you really don’t have to
make me breakfast every day. I didn’t expect you to actually do
it.”
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“Well,” Harry grins, walking around the counter to follow after
him, “that was your mistake. You gotta deal with homemade
breakfast now.”
“No,” Louis says, moving his head out of the way. “I’m super
gross. I need a shower. I’m all… sweaty. Disgusting.”
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off Louis’ face. Once he’s satisfied, he lets go of Louis’ face
before smirking. “Come, eat your waffles.”
“Where did you find that?” Louis asks from the bench, putting
his novel down to make wiggly fingers at Harry, desperate for
his cuppa.
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himself, getting down from the bench to sit in front of Harry
and the game.
“You don’t want to?” Harry looks like a puppy who's been
kicked too many times, green eyes widening with sadness, his
bottom lip sticking out in a dramatic pout.
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“You’re that desperate to play Scrabble that you’d play against
yourself?” Louis asks. He likes the game enough, but he can’t
imagine wanting to play that badly. He shakes his head, then he
reaches for the bag of letters, shaking it for a second before
plunging into it to grab his. “That’s so sad, sweetheart.”
“S’not the same,” Harry says with a pout, grabbing the bag
when Louis hands it to him. “I like placing the letters.”
Louis has to bite down on his lower lip to stop himself from
grinning. Harry says it so seriously too, like he means every
word and Louis just wants to reach across the chest to kiss his
stupid face off. Or pinch his cheeks. Or both. He’s so cute. God,
no wonder people all around the world go crazy for him.
“You like placing the letters,” Louis repeats after him, trying to
sound judgmental, but he knows it comes across as a mixture
of fondly exasperated and straight up enamored.
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Harry looks caught, eyes wide and cheeks a bit red. “Hum. I
don’t know?” He reaches up to scratch his right cheek before
grimacing, a little embarrassed. “A few millions at least?”
“Lou?”
“There’s a few million people who love your music and follow
you on IG and the thing you recompense them with is pictures
of your scrabble boards on tour. Of the games you’ve played
with yourself.”
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“I mostly played when I was homesick on tour,” he admits,
looking up at Louis from under his eyelashes, like he’s some
sort of damsel in a period piece shyly admitting family secrets
to her paramour. The comparison is ridiculous and Louis knows
that, but he can’t help his brain, can’t help the way he wants to
reach across the table to touch Harry’s cheeks, to kiss his
eyelids softly.
“Are you homesick now?” Louis can’t help but ask. It’s selfish
but he’s only got a few weeks left with Harry. The thought of
him wanting to go before he’s meant to leaves a bitter aftertaste
in the back of Louis’ mouth, like it’s full of ash and he’s
choking on it.
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humidity because it’s been left on the floor in the basement for
years without being touched. Absolutely not.
Harry looks actually angry over this. Louis has been planning
this since they started the game and he saw his options, thinking
it was a funny little stunt that would make Harry laugh.
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killed a member of his family or something, properly outraged
at the mere thought. “It’s not even a word !”
Louis snorts.
Louis bites his lower lip as Harry lists the attitudes he thinks
Louis has displayed, counting them dramatically on his fingers.
“Are you done?” Louis asks when Harry pauses for a breath.
“No.”
Harry gets back to the board, continuing to take away the letters
to what Louis likes to think of as an ingenious move.
“We’re going to rectify the situation and you’ll play your turn
again. I’m merciful like that.”
“Oh, merciful,” Louis says with a nod. “That’s what you are,
isn’t it? You’re merciful.”
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“Yes.”
“You can’t just put whatever you want on here Louis!” Harry
exclaims, exasperated.
“They are not! Have you never played Scrabble!” Harry shouts,
raising his arms in irritation. “That’s famously one of the core
rules!”
“It’s really not that serious darling,” Louis says slowly, voice
serene. It’ll rile Harry up even more if Louis doesn’t appear
bothered. “All I’m saying it’s that considering the placement of
that word ,” he puts emphasis on it with a teasing smile on his
face, “it counts as triple the point. Which, if I can still do simple
addition, puts me in the lead. But, I suppose if you’re such a
sore loser that you want me to play something else just because
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you want to win, then fine. Sure. Of course. I’ll play again. It’s
whatever,” he finishes with a small shrug.
“What?”
“Laser swords and the force might exist. We don’t know that –
”
“Yes?”
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“Shut up. Stop trying to distract me. I’m not gonna give it to
you. Skywalker isn’t a word. You’re not going to win by
cheating like this! I won’t let you!”
“So when you said you took this seriously, you really weren’t
kidding,” Louis comments. “No wonder you had to play by
yourself on tour. Imagine playing Scrabble against your boss
and he goes insane over a tiny loose interpretation of the rules.”
“Do you condone dropping this game and making out instead?”
Louis offers, wiggling his eyebrows, jokingly seductive.
“No!”
Louis pouts before leaning over the game, putting both of his
hands flat on the chest as he looms over Harry.
“You don’t want to make out with me?” he teases, batting his
eyelids.
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“No,” Harry repeats though he doesn’t sound so sure. He’s
frowning at Louis though. “I want to win,” he adds, a lot more
certain this time.
They make out for a bit, Louis’ neck bent at a weird angle to
meet Harry who is leaning down as much as possible from
where he’s standing on his knees. Louis takes one of his hands
off Harry’s waist, reaching up to grab at his hair, tilting his head
in a much more comfortable position, groaning in satisfaction
as he does so.
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“Clifford could swallow one of those.”
“Please believe me when I say that was the funniest shit I’ve
ever seen, never apologise for it.”
“You tried to put a Star Wars name on the board, you’re the
dork.”
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“No,” Louis shakes his head. “You don’t get to flip this on me.
You’re a massive massive dork.”
“What are you doing?” Harry asks from his bed, voice deeper
than normal in his half-awakened state, sleepy and hoarse.
Louis turns away from the door, facing the grand fluffy bed and
the warm boy still in it.
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“Going for a run?” Louis replies slowly like it’s obvious,
putting both of his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. He’s
assuming it was a rhetorical question; he runs almost every
morning.
Harry looks ruffled, hair all over the place, fanned over the
pillow, and he frowns at Louis, eyes confused for a second
before he looks away from Louis’ face and at the window, at
the terrible terrible storm outside.
Harry clears his throat. “In this weather?” he says, voice now
dripping with judgement.
“A bit of rain?”
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to just drop everything and waste the day in bed with Harry gets
louder and louder. Every day, the voice in the back of Louis’
mind telling him his time with Harry is almost up gets a bit
more frantic. This morning, with Hell raining down on Fair
Isle, it’s a tempting sight, for sure. Louis knows how
comfortable and warm it is, with a body to hold that fits in his
arms perfectly in ways he can’t afford to ponder too long.
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“You’re definitely not cold right now.”
“You’re a liar is what you are,” Louis replies, taking two more
steps forward and one step sideways until he’s right at the edge
on Harry’s side. “And you should come with me on a run if you
want to spend time with me,” he challenges, cocking his hip as
he leans on the bed a little.
“Pfff.”
“I’m not going on a run in the rain! It’s winter, are you mad?”
“Says the man who ran into the freezing ocean at the beginning
of the month!” Louis argues back.
“Actually you were about a month too late for tradition so don’t
play that game with me, Mr. Pop Star.” Louis singsongs the
nickname in an annoying high-pitched voice and he smirks
when it makes Harry laugh.
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“Okay,” Louis agrees, climbing on the bed and crawling over
Harry’s body until he reaches his face. “Well my morning run
is a tradition and someone has been making me skip it half the
time these past few weeks,” Louis says pointedly, “so I’m
going.”
Louis meets him halfway, slides in his fingers in the hair at the
nape of Harry’s neck, burying them there as they kiss.
“Yeah, I wonder who that could be,” Louis teases between two
kisses.
“You’re really just going to compliment your own self like that
uh,” Louis says, breaking their banter. “Okay, if that’s how it
is.” He starts getting up, but Harry drags him down again,
pressing the full length of Louis’ body against his, a ridiculous
amount of blankets separating them.
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something really fun about being out in that weather and I
really want to go.”
“You really, really want to go?” Harry asks like he still can’t
believe it.
“No.”
Harry laughs, reaching down to push Louis’ fringe off his face.
“How cold is it going to be?” he asks in a small voice and Louis
knows that he’s won.
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“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to go out in the rain a bit,” he says.
The thunder rumbles in agreement. “Not for long though,”
Harry adds, glancing at the window.
Louis opens the door and they both stare at the storm, still
hesitating a little. Clifford, bless him, takes one look at the rain,
tilts his head to the left, and runs outside.
“Well?” Louis asks, offering Harry his hand. “We shouldn’t let
the dog be the bravest out of all of us.”
Once outside, it’s not actually that bad. They’re probably being
a bit reckless, going out while the weather is so intense, but
Louis can’t find it in himself to care. They stay close to the
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lighthouse, Clifford and Harry running around chasing each
other in the rain. At one point, Harry slides down and falls in
the grass and Louis goes to help him up but he’s laughing so
hard that his attempt to lift him up ends with both of them flat
on the ground, soaking wet and giggling. Harry tries to kiss him
but they’re both laughing too hard to do it with any kind of
efficiency.
Once they’ve gotten back up, Harry starts running with Clifford
again as if nothing happened and Louis watches them for a bit
with a fond smile on his face. He’s still the one not jogging, but
he can’t say that he particularly care about his failing. At some
point, he takes his hood off, tilting his head back and spreading
his arms wide, eyes closed and feeling the overwhelming power
of the rain.
“What are you doing?” he hears Harry shout over the storm and
Louis just smiles, not even bothering to open his eyes.
He can hear Harry laugh and when he stops and opens his eyes,
a bit dizzy from it all, Louis sees he started doing the same.
Clifford is barking and jumping around him like he wants to
participate too and Louis can’t believe they’re doing this at five
in the morning, in complete darkness. The sun won’t rise for
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another couple of hours and it feels like the whole world is
asleep. It’s just the two of them, the two of them in the eye of
the storm, laughing and laughing. It’s cold and wet and
miserable.
“Just gonna dry and feed Clifford first,” Louis explains, taking
the raincoat then the wellies off.
He waits until Harry’s taken his off too before grabbing them
and making his way down to the basement, dropping the
soaking items into the massive sink that’s inexplicably
downstairs. Louis suspects it was used for doing the laundry by
hand at some point, but he never really questioned it. Today,
it’s proving useful.
He grabs three towels before making his way back up, throwing
one to Harry before he starts wiping the floor with one where
Clifford started shaking himself dry. He uses the third one to
finish off drying his dog quickly, giving him kisses and praise
as he does so. When he looks up, Harry is still standing there
in the entry, leaning against the reception desk, hair wet and
messy where he tried to dry it with the towel, a fond smile on
his face that hits Louis right in the chest.
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“Regrets?” Louis asks when Harry rubs his arms to warm
himself up.
“Nah,” Harry says with an eye roll. “I’m gonna go back to bed
after we’ve had a bath though, just so you know. Don’t think I
haven’t noticed it’s not even bloody six in the morning. I’m
having a bath, then a nap and you can’t stop me.”
“And play with my hair,” Harry adds once Louis has turned
into the kitchen.
Louis purses his lips and looks down at Clifford. “What are we
going to do about his boy?” he asks his dog rhetorically.
“Oh,” Louis whispers when he walks into the living room a few
days later, to find Harry sitting on the cushion on the
windowsill, guitar in hand as he strums an unfamiliar melody,
humming along with that soft low voice Louis is so fond of.
He’s looking at the cliffs and the sea through the splattered rain
on the window, not even turning around when Louis walks in,
or when he speaks. His faithful notebook open in front of him,
bits and pieces of songs scribbled inside, bits and pieces of
Harry’s soul that no one has had the chance to witness yet.
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Louis smiles, taking a few seconds to look at him, barely any
sun to shine on him through the cloudy, moody skies. Still,
Harry looks beautiful even in the cold grey light. He’s wearing
one of Louis’ hoodies – a yellow one that fits him perfect since
Louis likes to swim in them for comfort – and some black
watch tartan pajama trousers. His feet are naked, toes wiggling
once in a while as he keeps playing the same tune over and over
again. He’s clearly working through something, voice ending
in a little frustrated growl when it seems like he can’t resolve
the melody the way he wants to. The humidity has made is hair
curlier than usual and now that it’s almost at his shoulder, Louis
can see fully formed ringlets falling from behind his ear and on
his face.
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against Louis. “I’m quite fond of it,” he says, his tone soft
enough to reveal it’s not just Harry’s bum Louis is fond of. He
wraps his arms around Harry’s slim waist, sneaking his hands
into the hoodie pocket. Once they’re comfortably settled, he
speaks again. “What’s wrong with the song?” he asks,
squeezing Harry’s lower tummy softly when he feels him sigh
against him.
Louis simply listens for a few minutes, eyes lost in the distance,
staring through the rainy window at the cliffs.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being supportive of your art
Harry. I’ll just tell you it’s rubbish instead, shall I?”
“Well, if that’s what you think, then yes. You should tell me
it’s rubbish.”
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purpose. He pokes Harry in the tummy when the singer refuses
to reply.
“I think you do and maybe you just don’t want to tell me.”
Louis waits for a second, letting the melody envelop him in its
softness. It feels tender, whatever it is about. Then, he says:
“you don’t have to tell me.”
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You make everything else quiet , Harry’s voice whispers to him
from the previous week.
“Yes… About how much I need it now. How I’ve been reborn
in whispers after a lifetime of thunderous sounds.”
Louis gulps, closing his eyes and letting the words, the poetry,
wash over him. The song isn’t about him, it can’t be. He can’t
let himself hope that it is, can’t let this hurt him like that.
“It’s… evocative.”
The lyrics transform into more humming, soft, sad, and Louis
closes his eyes, tightening his hold on Harry’s body while he
sings.
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“I’m not an expert on creativity,” Louis begins kindly in
Harry’s ear, “but you probably shouldn’t try to force it. It’ll
come.” Louis pauses, kissing Harry’s cheek, before adding
“eventually.”
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Chapter 10
There’s not much that would stop his stupid pet from running
into the freezing water, but Louis often tries to limit the damage
so he doesn’t have a big lump of fur trailing water everywhere
in the cottage.
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“Of course,” he agrees, kissing Louis’ forehead. “It’s worth
putting in the work for his happiness, right?” he says and Louis
really should stop feeling surprised whenever he says deep,
insightful things like they’re little nothings.
“Oi!” Harry says with a laugh, tightening his arm around Louis’
shoulders. “Do you want all my AA secrets to be spilt in The
Sun or the Daily Mail because some random can’t keep his
mouth shut.”
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“Yeah, ‘cause people have never been known to break rules,”
Harry says and Louis can’t see his eyes, but he guesses he’s
probably rolling them.
“It’s just me,” Louis says softly as Clifford runs back towards
them. He grabs the ball and throws it again, on the sand this
time thank you very much. “You can say you’re too anxious to
risk it even though there’s probably groups you could go to
fine. I won’t judge.”
Louis clears his throat, then, awkwardly says: “so what do you
want for tea then?”
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Harry nods. “Sorted,” he agrees before whistling, calling
Clifford over so they can make their way back.
Louis has been thinking about this for a while now: the way
Harry worries, the way he puts pressure on himself, the way he
sees his fans, maybe the whole world, as something to
overcome, even though he’d never admit it.
Harry shivers, leaning into Louis’ body and tangling their legs,
not quite turning on his side. He’s looking away, looking down
at where Louis’ arm disappears under the covers, his eyelashes
casting shadows on his cheeks. There are goosebumps on his
arms and Louis is about to ask him if he’s cold, if he wants
more blankets or a jumper, when he hums, reaching down to
wrap his fingers around Louis’ wrist and squeeze.
Louis, who was leaning on his left arm, moves to rest his head
on the pillow they’re sharing before passing his fingers through
Harry’s curls. Harry leans into the touch subconsciously,
eyelids fluttering closed, sleepy despite it being only late
afternoon. The sun has set already though and the lamp in
Harry’s room cast a warm and soft glow around them. Harry
squeezes Louis’ right wrist again.
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Who knows what possesses him to say such things out loud,
but now that he’s started, Louis doesn’t think he can stop.
Harry’s body stays relaxed against Louis’, but his eyes pop
open, finding Louis’ easily. “I don’t carry the weight of the
world on my shoulders,” he denies, maybe too firmly. “Just the
weight of my own worries and people’s expectations of me.”
Louis smiles, sadly. “Isn’t that the same thing? In the end?” he
asks. He pauses, scratching the back of Harry’s neck. “Doesn’t
it weigh the same?”
Harry shrugs. “S’not like there’s a lot of people I can trust with
that stuff. Everyone always wants something from me, in the
end. And it just gets heavier when people aren’t around
anymore to share the load. Might as well just weather the storm
myself. I’m not that small. And I’ve got steadier feet now that
I’m sober.”
You can trust me, Louis wants to say. I don’t want anything
from you. But he can’t because it’s not true. Louis is always
going to want more, want things Harry probably can’t give, so
he stays silent because if there’s one thing he never wants is for
Harry to think him a liar.
Louis sits on the piano bench the next afternoon with a grumpy
look on his face, frowning in Harry’s direction before putting
his hands on the keys.
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resting on one of his hands and a dreamy look on his face. “I
don’t play seriously for just anyone, I hope you know that.”
“Louis, you don’t have to play for me if you don’t want to,”
Harry says, seriously this time. “I don’t want to make you
uncomfortable.”
Louis sighs, taking his hands off the piano. “S’just a bit
awkward, isn’t it? I mean, I usually play during big parties
where no one is really listening, or everyone is singing on top
of everyone else so no one notices I’m doing it. And I’m pretty
drunk most of the time, to be quite honest,” Louis admits,
widening his eyes to make Harry laugh. “And you…” he
falters, looking down at the old instrument, not valuable
enough to be considered an antique but old enough that’s for
sure, battered too. “I mean, you’re a proper musician… I just
fuck around with the keys, innit? ‘S’embarrassing.”
“Hey,” Harry says insistently and Louis looks away from the
key and into Harry’s eyes. “First of all, I’m not a proper
anything.”
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“Oi,” Harry says with a laugh, “shut it.”
But Harry waves him off. “It’s a disgusting industry and you
hate it and I have value, I know, I know. What matters here,”
Harry continues, “is that my playing isn’t more valid than yours
and you don’t have to be embarrassed. I would just really love
for you to play me a song because I love music and I think it’d
be really nice for us to share that. I share my music with you all
the time… But you don’t have to, obviously.”
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“Of course, I can’t! Look at you! With your big sparkly eyes
and I want us to share that” Louis shakes his head and lets his
fingers dance on the keys a bit, not really playing anything, just
notes to warm up. “Honestly, like I stood a chance.”
Louis smirks at their proximity. “She always says it’s the only
great love song.”
Harry lets one of his hand rests on Louis’ thigh, pondering the
statement. “Bit rough on everyone else who's ever written a
love song,” he comments with a grimace, “but I can’t say I
disagree. Besides, if you’re gonna pick one song to be the
greatest love song ever, at least pick a gay one. Can’t argue
with that.”
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“You call him Elton, do you?” Louis asks, lifting his head a
little, chin still resting on Harry’s shoulder, their face very close
together.
“Yeah, we… I’ve been emailing him a little since I got out of
rehab. Gotta love that internet cafe in town,” he jokes, looking
a bit uncomfortable. “We’re not friends or anything, but I’d met
him before and he… well, he gets it.”
Harry snorts from where he’s sprawled on the rug in the lantern
room. “No,” he says with a lot of emphasis, eyes widening. “I
have definitely not met Beyonce.”
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Louis pouts. He’s laying down on the bench on his side, his
head supported by one of his hands, the other buried deep in a
bag of Haribo as he munches on, trying to find the most famous
person Harry knows.
“You did it!” Harry laughs, mouth still a bit full. He chews for
a few seconds, then swallows. “I met Rihanna?” he offers and
okay, even Louis, who absolutely refuses to be impressed by
anything Pop Star Harry Styles related, has to admit that it’s
pretty cool.
“Fine,” Louis says, “I guess you get a point for that. That’s…
That’s pretty solid. Are you friends with her?” He can’t help
but be intrigued, leaning in for some sort of amazing gossip.
God, what if Harry hangs out with her all the time and here
Louis is, throwing Haribo’s into his mouth like a dumbass.
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“Well…” Harry smiles sheepishly. “I say met her… I sat
behind her at the VMAs once. We got some pictures taken
together.”
Louis rolls his eyes with fondness, but obliges him straight
away, sending another candy straight into his mouth.
“What orange?”
Harry laughs. “Just an orange I found in the lift and ate during
the show. I think she thought it was weird.”
“H… It is weird.”
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he grows taciturn and quiet, upset about the ways it affected his
life. Usually, Louis won’t bring it up, letting Harry decide when
he’s feeling comfortable enough to mention it. They talk about
the music often, of course, but that’s different. That’s part of
Harry in a way the fame isn’t, tattooed unto his core, an
undeniable part of himself.
Louis can’t tell if it’s the apology or the kiss, but a small shy
smile blossoms on Harry’s face.
“Well, I don’t mind that it makes you sad and angry and fucked
up sometimes,” Louis replies, smiling kindly when Harry looks
down at him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
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Harry waits a few seconds before speaking again. “It wasn’t a
bad night, you know? There’s a lot I remember enjoying.
There’s a lot I don’t actually remember, which… is whatever.”
He clenches his jaw, looking angry for a second. At himself
most likely and Louis wishes there was a way he could help
Harry be kinder to himself. When he speaks again, Harry’s
voice is barely above a whisper. “And there is a lot that was
pretty bad, for sure. It’s just hard sometimes to not just
remember the bad and forget about the nice stuff. I’m working
on it though. Like… When I first got out of rehab, I wanted to
quit music forever. Like… just…” Harry clears his throat, eyes
wet. He blinks a few times, trying to stop the tears and Louis
reaches up to caress his cheek, silently supporting him. “Just
fucking disappear from the public eye forever. I was so angry
that my biggest dream was the one thing that ruined me, you
know? I was so angry. That’s partly why I came here. Because
I wanted to disappear. But… the further away I got from it, the
more I realised… It wasn’t the dream’s fault… Yeah, that
lifestyle didn’t help, but I’m the one who didn’t ask for help
when I was drowning. I’m the one who fucking self-medicated
with alcohol when anxiety got the best of me. It’s my own fault.
I made… so many mistakes and I dealt with everything in the
worst of ways. I pushed my family away, I pushed my friends
away… I pushed my manager away. Everyone who had my
best interest at heart, everyone who wanted me to succeed in a
healthy way… So yeah, I made mistakes and I made all the
wrong choices, but… I’m starting to realise that it doesn’t mean
that those years of my life are all wasted. It doesn’t mean that I
have to feel guilty about every second of it, you know? Part of
the process for me has been being able to acknowledge that I
can’t blame the circumstances entirely and that… it’s okay to
look back on the good memories, the good things in my career,
without guilt. I can tell the funny story of me eating an orange
at a massive award show like a weirdo to this guy I like and still
laugh about it and it… it doesn’t mean that I’m glorifying
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my…” Harry clears his throat. “... my alcoholism or
something.”
335
Louis doesn’t stop his circle motions on Harry’s chest, enjoying
the softness of his cream cable knit. He hums softly,
encouraging Harry to go on.
“But –”
“I can’t promise you that you won’t ever fall again, that you
won’t ever make mistakes. I can’t promise you that it’ll be easy,
that you won’t be tempted… but you know one thing I know
for sure? You’re definitely armed with the knowledge and the
wisdom to deal with whatever happens, yeah?” Louis insists.
“Right there,” he adds, cheesy as fuck, but sincere, pointing
down at Harry’s chest. “And you’re not going to be alone in
this anymore. You’ll have people looking out for you too.
You’ll have help. I know you said you can’t trust most people,
but you know who the good ones are, right? It’s like I said
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before, Mr. Pop Star, you can’t carry the whole world on your
shoulders, right? ”
337
really allowed in guest bedrooms and Louis can definitely
remember closing the door behind them the night before, which
means Harry probably took pity of him in the middle of the
night and let him in, making space for him at their feet. It’s the
only explanation as to why he was cuddled up at Harry’s feet
when Louis first opened his eyes this morning. He should
maybe be annoyed at the indulgence, at the bad habits being
taught to his pet, but Louis can’t find it in himself to care.
Once downstairs, they grab their coats from the living room,
Harry picking up Louis’ denim jacket and handing him his own
green coat in exchange. Louis looks ridiculous in it, what with
the fact that it's already too big for Harry who is slightly broader
than him, but he can endure looking like a child in his father’s
clothes if that’s what Harry wants. Besides, there is something
weirdly comforting about wearing each other’s armor on a day
like this, like they’re lifting each other up, using each other’s
strengths.
The sky is dark, sunrise still a while away, but it’s not too cold
and it doesn’t look like it’s going to rain. Not yet anyway. They
take off at a relatively leisurely pace, jogging along the cliffs in
tandem with Clifford a few paces ahead. Once the dog reaches
their usual pathway down, he sits down obediently next to it,
waiting for them with what Louis can only describe as an eager
look on his face. They get there merely a few seconds after him
and together, they make their way to the beach, careful and
slow. Louis grabs at Harry’s waist from behind as they go
down, keeping him steady with a soft, but firm hand.
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sending him back to Los Angeles injured. Or wherever it is he’s
planning to record his next masterpiece.
Harry nods, looking at the beach with soft eyes in the darkness.
“Just want to enjoy this fully,” he explains, though he really
doesn’t need to. They both know what he’s doing.
“Of course,” Louis replies, blinking away. “Wanna sit down for
a bit?” he asks, pointing at a rock in the distance.
Harry looks away from the horizon, staring right at Louis’ face.
“What?”
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didn’t just reach like he already has so many times in the past
month.
“Yeah?”
They kiss and Louis knows it’s not going to be their last, knows
they’ve got hours still before Harry has to go, but he savors
every single second of it anyway. He savors the way Harry
touches him, what he tastes like, the two of them on this beach.
He savors the feeling of being young and feeling it for once.
When they’re done, Louis brushes Harry’s hair off his face,
staring at him.
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“Just this,” Harry says, kissing Louis again. “Just this for now,”
he adds when they pause for breath.
“I want to stay here on the beach and watch the sunrise with
you.”
“And! I want to spend all day in the lantern room. Or out on the
gallery. I don’t know... I just… I just want to stare at this view
all day. Maybe write in my diary a bit. I’ll see how I feel.”
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Harry smiles and it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, eerily
reminiscent of the way he used to smile, void, empty, when he
first arrived on Fair Isle. Louis hated it then and he hates it now.
He doesn’t want Harry to have to fake even one more smile for
as long as he lives.
Harry snorts and when Louis looks up at him, the haunted look
in his eyes is gone, replaced by genuine amusement, smile fully
sincere.
“Now, why would I ever want that?” Harry asks before kissing
Louis again.
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“Can you tell me a story?” Harry asks, another of part of their
routine, another of their little traditions. “While we wait for the
sunrise?” he adds.
Louis looks up at the still dark sky, at the hint of light barely
peeking through. Shouldn’t be too long now. He exhales on a
small laugh, shaking his head.
Harry smiles back at him before letting his head fall on Louis’
shoulder, cuddling up to him, eyes fixed on the sea, on the sky,
on the spot on the horizon where they seem to touch.
Once the sun has properly risen, the world a bit grey and the
skies covered, they stroll back to the lighthouse hand in hand.
Inside, they head to the kitchen first, Louis preparing Clifford’s
food while Harry sits on the floor waiting for him, letting the
dog drop over him like a lug and scratching his belly. The
distraction only lasts until Louis puts his bowl down and soon
enough, they’re both back in Harry’s bedroom. Harry heads
straight to the ensuite, washing the dog off his hands and when
Louis turns back to look at him, half of his clothes are off and
he’s standing bare-chested in the doorway.
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“Sure hope so,” Louis jokes half-heartedly, mostly to hide how
much he wants wants wants.
Once they’re done, pink skinned and squeaky clean, they help
each other dry off, Louis assisting Harry with his hair softly,
tenderly. They exit the bathroom still naked, both of them
ignoring the forgotten clothes on the bathroom floor. Louis
grabs some clean stuff instead, snorting when Harry forgoes
clothing himself altogether in favour of face planting fully
naked on the bed. Louis lets Harry have his dramatic moment,
putting jeans and a red oversized jumper on, before giving him
his full attention.
He lets himself enjoy the view for a second; the long lean legs
Louis isn’t sure Harry fully knows how to use, the pale soft
thighs he’s kissed and bitten so many times by now, the place
where Harry’s waist narrows slightly, the curve of his spine,
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the handful of his arse, his shoulders broad and strong from
carrying so much, his arms spread out on the bed, his hands, his
fingers…
Harry, to his credit, does look up at this, but only to give Louis
the most convincing puppy eyes he’s ever seen in his life. “I’m
tired,” he says with a big dramatic pout.
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“So far,” Harry repeats, obviously pretending he hasn’t heard
Louis’ response.
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any of them know who Harry is anyway. Still, he’s delighted
and he enjoys the weight of Harry’s hand in his as they finish
their second tea.
Harry gives Mrs. Clark a long hug before they leave, the kind
of crushing, enveloping hug that makes you want to never let
go of him. He’s thanking her for her hospitality, rubbing his
hand on her back, when Louis has to leave, an emotion he
doesn’t want to name bubbling up his chest. He waits outside,
leaning against the building, watching the pure emptiness of
their village with knowing eyes. It’s just a few houses. Just one
shop. There isn’t even a crappy pub. It’s deserted, looks almost
dead or frozen in time if one squints the right way. Louis loves
it all so much, and, for one second, he has the horribly
devastating thought it might not be enough anymore once
Harry leaves.
Finally, after what seems like a small eternity, Harry comes out
of the bakery. He’s holding a bag of pastries and Louis smiles
softly. He’d bet good money that Mrs. Clark gave them to him
for the journey home tomorrow.
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Harry’s smile drops a little, the corner of his mouth tilting down
slightly.
“I’m okay.” Harry bites his lower lip before reaching for Louis’
hand again. “I’ve been thinking. I should really stop by the
observatory on the way back. I need to say goodbye to Mr.
Drummond. I can’t believe I almost forgot.”
“Oh,” Louis says. It’s weird to hear it said so plainly out loud.
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“You okay?” Louis asks when Harry has been quiet a little too
long as they make their way back to the lighthouse.
When they get back to the lighthouse, they head straight for the
lantern room, staying bundled up as Harry grabs his guitar from
the bench and they make their way outside on the gallery. They
side down next to each other, Harry strumming and humming,
while Louis closes his eyes and dozes off a little to the sound
of his voice. His wonderfully soothing voice.
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They cook dinner together while listening to music and they
slow dance to some soft instrumental French jazz while the
pasta cook, Harry dipping Louis just as the water starts boiling
a little too enthusiastically, overflowing from under the lid
while Louis shrieks at Harry to bring him back up, half yelling,
half laughing.
“We’re gonna burn the pasta!” Louis yells with a laugh, trying
to get back up while Harry laughs and laughs, almost dropping
him on the floor.
“You can definitely burn pasta and don’t you dare drop me,
Harry Styles!” Louis threatens, but he’s laughing too hard to be
taken seriously.
“So...Sorry,” Harry says and it’s too late now, they’re going
down, Harry kneeling on the floor as he tries to soften Louis’
fall.
“You oaf!” Louis says softly, wrapping his legs around Harry’s
waist, both of them tangled together on the floor.
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They do burn the pasta, what was previously spaghetti
becoming a solid brick stuck to the bottom of Louis’ pan.
So they eat sandwiches and once they’re done with the dishes
– destroyed pan non-included – they go back on top of the
lighthouse at Harry’s insistence.
Louis can’t blame him. He’s seen it happen with more than one
guest about to leave. They get a bit desperate, want to soak up
as much of the view, of the vibe, of the atmosphere, as possible
before they have to go back to their regular lives. Dull.
Predictable. Nothing like the sea here.
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Around half past eight, Harry lets out a long painful sigh and
Louis looks over his shoulder from where he’s cuddled up in
front of him to catch his face.
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“Yeah,” Louis agrees. “I mean, your guitar and your journal are
both up here and I’m assuming they’re quite important,” he
says, a bit cheeky. “Imagine what else you could leave behind
if you don’t double check.”
Harry shakes his head and Louis can feel him smile. “I’m
definitely not going to forget my guitar.”
They stay silent for a bit, still cuddling instead of getting up,
and Louis presses his lips tight together, stopping himself from
smiling or crying, or both. Choosing to enjoy it for a few more
seconds.
It’s dark outside already, of course, it is, but Louis lets him have
his moment. He walks around him, presses a small kiss on his
cheek, whispering “take your time” before going down the
stairs.
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Louis has the time to check both the basement for any forgotten
laundry and the kitchen before Harry joins him in the living
room. He’s been thorough and Louis hasn’t found a single item
belonging to him yet.
“Let’s say we’ll make an exception for you,” Louis says even
though he’s not the first, and certainly won’t be the last to leave
with a book without an exchange.
“That’s generous.”
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“Well, that’s me to a T,” Louis jokes as he makes his way to
the sofa where a familiar ugly cardigan rests.
“Yeah,” Harry says softly. “It really is.” He pauses and it’s only
when Louis picks up the cardigan that he starts talking again.
“Oh, I can’t take that. That’s yours.”
“You adopted it, Harry,” Louis protests straight up, putting the
offending material over one of his shoulders. “You can’t leave
it behind. What kind of father are you? Just ‘cause your child’s
ugly doesn’t mean you get to walk out, you know.”
“But –”
Once they’ve fully checked the living room and the dining
room, they have a quick look around reception, finding only a
couple of items in total, most noticeably socks bunched in one
corner of the dining room that Louis has no idea how they
ended up there. It’s not like they spend a lot of time in that
room. Still. Soon enough, they’re mostly done and they make
their way up to Harry’s room to pack it all up. Louis helps
Harry with rolling all of his clothes tight so they’ll all fit in his
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bag. Harry keeps an outfit aside for the next day and they put
the books on top so he’ll have easy access to them during the
journey. Finally, Harry puts his guitar carefully back in its case.
Louis tries to think of what to say at a time like this, but he feels
a little empty, like everything would come out bland and
colorless, when all that’s inside of him is exploding with
vibrancy, painful but joyful both at the same time, everything
Harry’s touched vibrating on a frequency of too much.
The light turns off without warning, half eleven, and they keep
looking at each other in the darkness, eyes adjusting to the
shadows.
“Louis,” Harry whispers, hand reaching out for him and they
meet in the middle, bodies colliding with more force than Louis
anticipated, more desperation.
They fumble in the dark, making their way to the bed blindly,
unwilling to stop touching, to stop kissing, to get to their goal
faster.
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The next morning, Louis blinks awake to the sight of two wide
green eyes staring at him and a heaviness sitting on his chest.
He swallows down the heaviness, tries to chase it away, but it’s
settled firmly, clawed in deep beneath his breastbone. Harry is
leaving today.
“Slept okay?” Louis asks, still caressing Harry’s face. He’s not
sure why he’s being so mundane when they both know what’s
happening in a couple of hours. It’s not like they can really
tiptoe around it. But Louis doesn’t want to be the first to
acknowledge it and he’s pretty sure Harry feels the same.
It explains the dark circles under his eyes, the tired way he’s
holding himself.
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keeps him wide awake, hyperaware. He has to say goodbye
today. He’s not sure how he’s meant to do that.
“S’alright,” Harry replies and when Louis opens his eyes again,
he looks almost reverent. “I used my time efficiently,” he adds,
mostly to himself, gaze never wavering.
Not for the first time, Louis feels like he’s being memorized. It
aches a lot more today of all days because it’s Harry’s last
chance to do it. And the way he stubbornly refuses to blink, the
way he’s holding on, eyes never moving away from Louis’
face; Harry knows it too. So Louis looks at Harry right back,
doing some memorizing of his own, tracing every single detail
of his face so it stays imprinted in his brain forever. So he’ll
never forget the sight of Harry in the cold winter light, eyes soft
green as he stares and stares. So he’ll never forget the specks
of gold in his eyes, the dark fuzz over his upper lip, the beauty
spot between his cheek and his chin, his small quirky ears.
Louis watches him like a hawk, silently promising himself to
never forget a thing, to remember this version of Harry, this
version of Harry no one but him got to see.
“Louis,” Harry says after they’ve been staring at each other far
longer than they should and he sounds a bit frazzled, frantic.
“Yeah, I’m here,” Louis reassures, thumb still stroking the skin
of Harry’s cheeks, the rest of his fingers buried deep in Harry’s
hair as he holds him in place. “I’m here.”
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One last time, Louis thinks distantly as Harry starts struggling
to take his top off between frantic kisses, rolling them over so
he’s lying on top of him. Better enjoy it.
Harry nods. “Slow,” he agrees, even though they don’t have the
time for it.
After a beat, Harry lifts his head and they look at each other.
“Louis, I’m –” Harry starts saying and Louis can’t, he just can’t
do this, so he kisses Harry quiet, kisses him thoroughly because
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if any of their kisses this morning can be the last one, he’s going
to make sure they all make a lasting impression.
They have to get out of bed eventually and it doesn’t even hurt
as much as Louis anticipated. This weird mental barrier he
erected to protect himself and here he is, crossing it, and he’s
still in one piece. He hasn’t shattered. Weird how the world
works sometimes, Louis can’t help but ponder as he stands
naked in the middle of Harry’s room. They slowly make their
way to the ensuite to shower together, Harry jokingly claiming
he’s never travelled covered in bodily fluids and he’s not going
to start now, and Louis laughs because he’s pretty sure it’s a
lie. He laughs because turns out he’s really going to miss this
man. They wash each other’s hair carefully and Louis presses
small kisses behind Harry’s right ear once he’s sure his hair is
properly rinsed off.
Once they step out of the shower, they dry each other off
between kisses, leaving the towels on the floor for Louis to find
later. Louis puts on his jeans from the day before and without
thinking, grabs the discarded jumper Harry wore to bed. It’s
still skin warm and smells like him, enveloping Louis like
Harry’s hugs do. Harry, on the other hand, picks up the sweats
and hoodie he’d selected the night before for comfort and kept
aside, and puts them on in silence. Once he’s fully dressed,
socks and vans on, he reaches for his green jacket.
“Here,” Louis says, “I’ll help you.” He grabs Harry’s bag, the
one they so carefully packed together the night before and puts
it on his shoulder. Then, he grabs Harry’s guitar case, handing
it over to him.
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Louis reaches for his phone on his side of the bed, clicking it
open and swallowing hard when he sees they’re almost out of
time.
It’s too soon. It’s too soon. He’s not done yet, he’s not ready.
“Cliff,” Harry calls, putting his guitar and his coat down,
getting to his knees in front of Louis’ dog, wrapping him into a
big hug. Clifford whines a little, either because Harry’s
hugging him too tight or because he’s sad, or both. Harry lets
go of him at the sound, choosing to kiss his face over and over
instead, laughing when Clifford gives him a big lick in
response. “You were the best walking companion,” Harry tells
him and Louis is so moved by the dedication, the sincerity, of
this farewell that he can’t even feel jealous. “And the best
cuddler,” Harry adds. “Just… the best company I could have
ever hoped for Cliff.”
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Louis inhales quietly before replying, forcing his voice to
remain steady. “Yeah?”
Louis looks down at the phone still in his hand, at the time that
keeps on ticking and ticking. Harry has to go now, he has to
leave or he’ll miss the boat. And if he misses the boat, who
knows when there’ll be a next one? They’ve got a storm due in
the next few days, planes and ferries are probably going to be
cancelled. Harry would be trapped a little longer. Louis tries
very hard not to think about how great that would be. Instead,
he clears his throat.
“Sorry to interrupt, but you’re gonna miss the boat if you don’t
leave now.”
It’s probably the hardest sentence he’s ever had to say, yet it
comes out perfectly fine, steady, without a hint of hesitation.
“I can come with you!” Louis blurts out. “To the port, I mean.
Help you carry your things.”
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But Harry shakes his head straight away, denying him a few
last minutes together. “No,” he says. “It’s fine. I don’t want to
trouble you with that.”
Louis can’t stay anything, has had the wind knocked out of him,
so he holds Harry back as best as he can, tries to pour
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everything that he’s feeling into the hug, his arms wrapped
around Harry’s neck.
It makes Harry laugh, low and wet, like maybe he’s crying.
“You have no idea,” he whispers back. Then, just as abruptly
as he reached for Louis, he lets go.
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and smaller, until he’s but a dot on the horizon, until Louis can’t
see him at all, until he’s finally truly left.
Then, only then, Louis lets himself sit down, back against the
tower, panting shakily.
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Chapter 11
The first few days after Harry leaves, Louis can’t believe how
quiet the lighthouse is. It’s like he’s forgotten somehow, how
much time he’s spent in this building on his own in the past.
It’s like he’s forgotten how to have one-sided conversations
with his dog the way he used to, a stream of consciousness
leaving his mouth without shame with no expectation that
someone will reply. Now, he keeps expecting Harry to pipe up
with some clever, or not so clever, line. Every time he babbles
in Clifford’s direction, there’s a part of him waiting for Harry’s
comment, Harry’s laughter. Some terrible joke Louis would
laugh at only because Harry looks so cute telling it. But Harry’s
gone and there’s an empty space haunting the building where
he used to be, a loud absence that Louis tries his best to ignore,
tiptoeing around it like that will make things better.
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It’s fine.
So what if, five days after Harry’s departure, Louis has the
crushing thought that he’s probably in love with someone he
can never have?
It hits him while he’s washing the windows outside the lantern
room. He’s out on the gallery, the big sponge in his hands
squeaking against the glass as he makes big circular motions,
not thinking about anything specific when the overwhelming,
yet obvious, realisation that he’s in love with Harry and he can’t
do anything about it pops into his head. The overwhelming, yet
obvious, realisation that he’s already lost him to life and their
mismatched circumstances. That he’s never going to get the
chance to tell him.
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Still, he tries not to let those newfound feelings affect him too
much. Harry left. There’s nothing Louis can do about that. All
he can do is try to keep himself as busy as possible so the place
in his soul where he’s aching doesn’t get to thrive too much. So
he putters around the B&B as normal, cleaning up all the rooms
except Harry’s and ordering supplies in bulk for the new
season. His next guests are coming in less than a month and
Louis’ establishment has a reputation to maintain.
He’s a bit mad at himself that he got through almost all of his
maintenance tasks though, leaving him in need of a lot of
creativity to keep himself occupied. He has to do quite a lot to
get the small voice in the back of his head that wants him to
curl up and indulge in his devastation to shut the fuck up. Still,
he buzzes in and out of the cottage, making sure everything is
okay, waking before five o’clock every single morning and
going to bed way past one every single night. He sleeps fitfully
and he knows he’s probably going to crash, but he’s running on
a high of denial and as long as there’s energy in his body, Louis
is going to use it.
It all comes to a halt ten days after Harry’s departure, five days
after Louis has realised he was in love with him all along.
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He doesn’t, of course. He gets dressed in silence, then goes for
a run with Clifford, leaving his phone on his dresser, unable to
bear the thought of listening to music Harry carefully selected
for him. When he gets back to the lighthouse, he feeds Clifford
and gets to work.
He goes through the motions, taking the sheets that smell like
him and Clifford by now more than they smell like Harry off
the bed with gritted teeth. It’s alright, Louis tells himself as he
bunches them up and throws them in a laundry basket. It
doesn’t matter, he thinks as he strips the pillows off their cases
and puts them on top of the sheets. He saves the duvet for last,
holding it to his chest and closing his eyes, inhaling deeply as
he searches for a trace, a hint, of the man he’s trying to learn
how to live without.
By the time he’s made it to the basement and has put everything
in the washing machine, there are tears streaming down his
cheeks.
He sits down, back to the wall, arms wrapped around his legs,
forehead pressed to his knees and waits. He listens to the loud
rumbling of his washing machine, breathing deeply in the dark.
It’ll pass, he knows it will. Like most sorrows, one day he’ll
wake up finding himself able to breathe again. Until then
though, he has to endure.
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When the cycle is done, Louis hangs everything up to dry
automatically, trying his hardest to keep his mind blank as he
puts everything on the washing line that stretches in his
basement.
Once that’s done, Louis gets back upstairs and makes his way
through the corridor leading to the tower then goes straight to
his bedroom. He opens the closet, grabbing a black travel bag
and dropping it on the floor in the middle of his room. Then,
Louis starts randomly packing clothes, grabbing whatever is
nearest and clean, mostly sweatpants and comfy tees.
There’s only one place on Earth that Louis knows of that can
provide exactly what he needs, so once he’s done packing his
bag, he grabs his phone and dials Roger’s number. Leaving Fair
Isle is always a bit of a gamble, between the temperamental
weather that makes them inaccessible for days on end and the
ferry and flights schedule being so sparse. Louis is determined
though and he knows The Good Shepherd IV is dropping some
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goods tomorrow morning. Weather permitting, he’ll be on his
way to Shetland in less than twenty-four hours.
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in the mood for a night bus down to Yorkshire so he quickly
books himself a room in Aberdeen on his phone before buying
a ticket for the earliest train to Doncaster the next morning. He
could have planned this better, probably, but Louis doesn’t
care. He was too eager, too desperate, for anything else.
Louis reads the two novels he’s brought for his vacation on the
Ferry and by the time he’s in his hotel room that night, he tosses
and turns, unable to fall asleep. He must doze off at some point
because his alarm wakes him up at five am and he swears under
his breath, pushing Clifford’s body gently off his before
stumbling into the bathroom for a piss with eyes half closed.
They get to the train station with thirty minutes to spare,
grabbing a tea and pastry at Greggs before waiting for the
LNER on platform three.
His mum picks him up from the station with his youngest
siblings, eyeing him suspiciously when he stays kneeling on the
ground, both arms wrapped around the smallest twins for a beat
too long, moved beyond words at the way they’ve grown in the
months he’s been away. He’s seen pictures and he’s skyped,
but it’s different seeing them for real, the way they’ve changed
while he looked away. He blinks away tears of too much-ness
before wrapping his mother in her own hug, feeling some
restlessness in him settle when she squeezes hard. She can
probably tell there’s something wrong, after all, she always
could, but she distracts Ernest and Doris away from Clifford
and leads them all to the car without asking.
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It’s Monday and most of the rest of his siblings are still in
school when they get to the house, so they eat lunch just the
four of them, Louis already helping his mother make spaghetti
as soon as he drops his bag in what used to be his, then Lottie’s,
room and is now more of a guest bedroom than anything else.
Half of the family is missing, but the meal is loud and messy,
just like when he was a kid, just like he needed. Louis basks in
the comfort of it all, in the knowledge that Harry hasn’t crossed
his mind once since he saw his mum, his brain too distracted
by everything that’s happening. The twins try to feed Clifford
pieces of meat from the spaghetti sauce and their mother
reprimands them while Louis laughs until she starts
reprimanding him too for letting them get away with it.
By the time they get through the laundry, the girls have come
back from secondary school, shrieking in the entry as soon as
they spot Clifford running towards them.
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“Didn’t want to ruin the surprise,” she admits as the girls spill
into the living, jumping on Louis and play fighting to figure
who gets to hug him first.
It’s perfect.
After dinner, Louis can barely keep his eyes open and Daisy
keeps pointing it out and making fun of him as they do the
dishes, but he fights sleep as long as possible, wanting to enjoy
spending time with his siblings as much as possible. He puts
the younger twins to bed, reading them a story and doing all the
voices, heart twisting painfully in his chest as he remembers
doing the same for Harry time and time again. He sighs and
closes the book once Ernest and Doris are both asleep. It feels
like he’s missing something new about Harry every time he
turns around.
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Which, of course, is exactly when she ambushes him, armed
with motherly concerns and good intentions.
“So,” she says, and any hope Louis had that this wasn’t going
to be a serious conversation vanishes at the tone of her voice.
Jay was one of the first people in his life to fully support his
move to Fair Isle. She was the first person he told, back when
it was nothing more than an impulse, a burning desire bright in
his chest that he couldn’t extinguish no matter how much he
tried to talk himself out of it. She understood, somehow, when
he told her he felt like he belonged there. To his mother’s credit,
she never told him no, never said it was a bad idea. She never
shied away from telling him how hard it was going to be, but
his mother is not the kind of woman to discourage her children
from following their hearts. Whether it means loving someone
of the same sex, or fucking off to a remote island in Scotland.
In Louis’ case, both. She’s proud of him, he knows that. She
tells him any chance she gets, reminds him how much she
admires him for all that he’s accomplished.
And yet, she never stops calling Doncaster his home, never
stops seeing his returns to Yorkshire as homecomings, no
matter how many times he calls Fair Isle his true home in front
of her. She doesn’t quite get it, he thinks, even though she says
she does. Still, it’s a lifelong habit Louis has stopped trying to
break her out of a long time ago.
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“Can’t I visit?” Louis asks with a shrug. “There doesn’t need
to be a special reason.”
Jay hums.
“It’s just for fun,” he lies, even though they both know he’s
going to spill at some point. “I don’t know if you remember,
but I didn’t come home for Christmas this year. S’been ages. I
can barely recognise the twins.”
“Which ones,” Jay jokes and he was talking about how much
Doris and Ernest have grown, but Daisy and Phoebe are
becoming little women too, leaving childhood behind way
quicker than Louis would have thought.
Still, he laughs.
Louis’ face falls and he closes his eyes. “I’m okay,” he says on
an exhale.
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when you came home. You’ve always sounded happy on the
phone. When you called yesterday ? You didn’t sound happy.
At all. And when I picked you up this afternoon? You looked
even worse.”
Jay reaches for him, wrapping him into a hug that has his back
cracking. “You’re my son. I love you. I’m never not going to
be upset that you’re sad. But if you don’t want to talk about it,
of course, I’ll respect that.”
They separate, Jay looking deeply into his eyes, surely trying
to read his soul the way she’s always magically been able to.
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*
Roger is happy to see him, wrapping him into a big hug before
Louis climbs aboard the ferry back to Fair Isle, clapping his
shoulder a few times before letting him go. He even gives
Clifford a treat before they embark on the last two hours of their
journey back home.
The key jams a little in the lock and Louis ends up having to
push the door open with his hip, Clifford running inside as soon
it barges open and Louis stumbles inside, cursing his dog
affectionately.
He leaves his bag near the reception desk, taking his jacket off
and leaving it on the counter before finally bending down to
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grab what he assumes are various bills and political pamphlets.
Louis truly doesn’t understand why companies insist on
sending him paper copies of everything when he’s ticked the
‘email’ billing on every single one of his accounts multiple
times.
His heart must have started beating again at some point because
it’s loud in his ears, the thump thump thump indicating that he’s
so alive is the only sound he can hear in this quiet universe.
Clifford patters into the room, nudging him behind the knees
and for a second Louis thinks he might fall down at the push,
unsteady on his feet as he stares at where the card
says Greetings from Cheshire.
His hands are shaking, Louis thinks distantly, staring at the way
they hold the postcard like they belong to a stranger. Were they
always so thin, the skin rough from manual labor? Has his skin
always been so tan? The card looks at him, sentient, mocking,
and Louis almost doesn’t want to flip it, fear like he’s never felt
before growing in his belly.
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He stares and stares, until it goes straight past ridiculous, and
verging on pathetic.
“I’m going to read this postcard,” Louis tells Clifford, still not
turning it around.
Clifford barks, settling at his feet and lifting his face, big dark
eyes supportive.
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04/04/19
Dear Louis,
I’m celebrating one year of sobriety today. It both feels huge
and little at the same time. My mum and my sister baked me a
cake. We had dinner in the garden even though it wasn’t that
warm.
It was lovely though. I’m off to LA to meet my manager in a few
days. Mum’s worried and I don’t know how to make it better. I
think she’d want me to stay with her forever, just to make sure
I’m safe if she had her ways. I suppose I can’t blame her. I’m
gonna be honest, it felt weird that you weren’t there, eating
cake with me to celebrate that huge success…
Anyway, I hope you’re well.
xH
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There are so many emotions swirling through him at a rapid
pace that Louis barely has the time to identify them. Joy, relief,
longing, disappointment, fondness, pride… they all mix into
one overwhelming bittersweet kind of warmth. This isn’t a love
letter, or a desperate expression of longing. Harry probably
hasn’t spent their weeks apart moping, like Louis keeps
denying he has. He’s too busy, too preoccupied, to worry about
a short fling, Louis supposes. It’s normal, he wasn’t expecting
anything else. Yet, Harry took the time to write this card. He
went to a shop and bought it, writing down a little update to
keep his friend in the loop. Maybe he knew Louis would worry.
Maybe he just missed him enough to want to keep in touch.
Either way, Louis’ eyes are wet with the joy that this card is in
his hands at all. He lays down on the sofa, postcard pressed
against his chest, against his heart, both of his hands covering
it fully, and he closes his eyes, refusing to cry.
He can’t believe they were only a few miles apart, that he could
have borrowed his mum’s car and driven the two hours that
separates their childhood homes, that he could have joined the
party like Harry seems to have wanted. Louis could have kissed
the place on his forehead that wrinkles with worry when he’s
overthinking things, could have tangled their fingers together
and kissed the paper-thin skin of Harry’s wrist. He could have
hugged Harry’s mum, could have thanked her for creating such
a masterpiece: the man he loves.
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while she plays with his hair and tells him she’s proud. He
imagines Harry and his sister teasing each other and laughing.
He imagines Harry going up to his room, taking out a pen, and
writing this card for Louis, just to tell him that he’s okay, just
because he was thinking about Louis.
His heart grows, expands, until there’s no room in his chest for
it, for all the things he’s feelings, all the way he loves this man
who left.
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He’s probably fine, Louis thinks constantly to himself. He
probably doesn't think about Louis at all, too busy with popstar
things demanding his attention. He’s probably fine.
He was angry at first, what with Harry not giving him even the
courtesy of a return address so Louis could pass along his
greetings. But as time goes by, as April morphs into early May,
the days long now, sun rising as early as five, Louis
understands. Harry is protecting his privacy and it’s not like
Louis could be furious about that. Not to mention, if the
postcard is to be trusted, he’s no longer at his mum’s, has been
in LA for quite a while now. It’d be a useless address anyway,
there’s no point for Louis to pine.
Besides, what could Louis possibly write? When the one thing
he wants to say is something he knows he probably shouldn’t.
Still, Louis rereads the letter and mentally writes his reply in
the privacy of his bedroom, sliding the postcard under his
pillow as he turns the torch off every night around midnight and
starts dictating to himself…
384
Dear Harry – lacks originality, but Louis is running out of
options.
Yes, it’s probably best that Harry never sent him a return
address.
It’s well into May and Louis is checking out a couple of ladies
from France, waiting for their payments to go through as they
giggle into each other’s necks, hands intertwined, when the
postman barges in without knocking.
He’s not against PDA, quite the opposite, but ever since Harry
left, a painful spark of jealousy blossoms bitterly in his chest at
the sight of happy couples. It’s hard to witness when the hand
he wants to hold is on the other side of the world, busy with
things greater than Louis could ever fathom. He doesn’t like
what heartbreak has done to him, to be frank, but it’s not like
Louis can help it.
385
The two women leave, waving him off happily, thanking him
in French as they walk out, big backpacks precarious on their
shoulders. They’re off to the Orkneys next, Louis thinks,
excited to see some magical stone circles.
386
Louis nods, too shocked to speak. Truth is, he hasn’t. He really
hasn’t. He’s been foolishly hoping, sure, in the dead of night
where no one can see. He’s been hoping that Harry would write
again, would tell him all about the wonderful things he’s been
getting up to in LA. He’s been hoping Harry would care enough
to share. Despite knowing how much it would hurt to receive
more letters from Harry, Louis has also known all along that
never hearing from him again would be way worse.
387
.
23/04/19
Louis,
You should see the sea here. It’s different, yet the same.
It goes on and on and on. And so must I.
I’m fighting to speak my own mind.
One song at a time, right?
You’d be proud I hope.
xH
388
“Of course,” Louis replies in a whisper. He’s so furious at the
thought that Harry might doubt how proud Louis is that he feels
faint with it, the emotion zinging through him powerfully and
giving him a head rush.
And Louis is. Louis is so so proud he could burst with it. He’s
proud in a way he never thought he could be. He thinks about
Harry: kind, and talented, and beautiful, and smart, and
so so scared. Yet there he is, fighting for himself and his art
anyway.
God, it hurts.
389
can’t even comprehend them. He indulges in the low and
soothing sound of Harry’s voice and pretends that it’s enough.
He’d be ashamed of himself, but who is to know? This is
between him and a higher power he doesn’t believe in. He
always regrets it though, always ends up missing Harry more
fiercely those days, wishing he could hear him joke around with
him, or talk to Clifford in an affectionate voice.
Louis cooks for his guests, spending half of his time in the
kitchen with how busy the B&B is. He entertains them with
stories and legends about previous residents of Fair Isle,
recommends books about Scottish Folktales to the receptive
ones and leaves the introverts alone as they spend time on top
of the tower.
390
the flicker of hope that blooms in his chest when he reads
Harry’s words.
It’s foolish to cultivate such a thing for a man who never made
him any promises.
Yet, just as he thinks so, the postman brings him news from
LA.
This time, Louis runs to his bedroom with the postcard clutched
tightly in his hand, the B&B too crowded for him to have any
privacy anywhere else. He’s a bit out of breath by the time he
makes it, mostly from the excitement thrumming through his
veins rather than the run, and he pants a little, back leaning
against his closed bedroom door. When he finally takes the
time to look at the card, the photo montage of all the best things
about LA makes him smile, especially the image of water, right
in the center. He turns it around, the sight of Harry’s
handwriting sending a thrill through his body. It’s an old friend
by now, a comforting vision. It’s dated from a couple of weeks
ago and it’s sad again, but with the same little kernels of
optimism that Harry seems to cling on to.
391
07/05/19
Dear Louis,
I’m taking things one day at a time. Things don’t seem so scary
if it’s just one day I have to go through. I hope you’re well. That
the B&B is full of people ready
to fall in love with Fair Isle like we did.
Give Cliff a kiss from me!
xH
392
Louis exhales once he’s done reading, fingers drumming
against the postcard. Harry is feeling overwhelmed. He might
not have said so explicitly, but Louis knows him well enough
by now to read between the lines. Now, more than ever, Louis
wishes Harry were here. With him.
It’s a selfish desire, one he’s had before, and, every time, he
suppresses the thought forcefully.
Later that day, when Clifford joins Louis in the kitchen while
he’s cooking lunch, Louis drops everything he’s doing,
kneeling down to give his dog a big hug. He presses tiny kisses
on the top of his head and from the way he’s wagging his tail,
Louis chooses to believe that Cliff knows, somehow, that
they’re from Harry.
393
Chapter 12
394
where the fuck is it?” he says through gritted teeth just as his
fingers wrap around the mobile.
395
“Hello?” he tries again, working very hard not to let panic slip
through his tone. “Is anybody there?”
“Louis?”
He sounds awful. He’s only said one word but it was frantic, a
tremor of panic badly concealed in his voice that Louis can’t
ignore.
396
Yesterday, Louis would have given anything to hear that voice
again. Yesterday, he missed it like a limb and would have given
anything for that low timbre in his ears one more time. Hell,
he’s listened to Harry’s old albums during his runs, or curled
up on top of the tower, so many times by now, secretly wishing
he could hear his voice properly. Now, listening to the shaky
way Harry keeps greeting him, Louis wants to take it back.
Give him back his penny, cancel his shooting star. He doesn’t
want to hear Harry in distress like this, not when he can’t tangle
their fingers together in a show of support, his hand fitting in
Harry’s perfectly.
Except… it’s not quite true, is it? If Harry’s having a hard time,
Louis would much rather know. He’ll spend hours on the phone
if that’s what Harry needs and maybe that’s something Louis
should worry about, a scary truth that will only end with him
getting hurt, that has already hurt him, but he can’t panic about
it now. Not when Harry clearly needs him.
“Harry…” Louis says, reveling in the way the word takes shape
in his mouth. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud since Harry
left and he hadn’t realised he’d missed it until now. “Harry,” he
repeats.
397
to ask him if he’s okay, but doesn’t know if that will make
things worse when the answer is obviously no .
“It’s the middle of the night here, did you know? I was in bed
and everything, took ages for me to realise the noise that woke
me up was the phone.” Louis laughs, mostly chuckles to
himself. “Bet some of the guests are gonna be pissed about the
noise tomorrow morning.”
It’s only when the whole thing is out of his mouth that Louis
realizes it sounds like a reproach.
But Harry clearly forgot about silly things like time zones and
he clearly cares, if the way he gasps and sounds completely
devastated as he starts to apologise is to be trusted. “Oh, I’m so
sorry. Oh my god, Lou… I’m so sorry, I’m gonna –”
398
“I just…” he says, trying to explain himself. Louis closes his
eyes, inhaling deeply. He can’t get too emotional. “You can’t
call me in a panic in the middle of the night and just… hang up,
okay,” he finally says, voice pleading. “I’m… You’re gonna
freak me out if you do that, alright? I’ll worry. So, don’t hang
up. Please. Stay with me. I don’t care if it's the middle of the
night, Harry. I don’t care. We haven’t spoken in ages. So just…
just talk to me. Please. How are you? How are things?”
“No,” Harry sighs. “God, no. I’m sorry. Fuck, Louis. I’m so
sorry. I’m being such a dickhead. I can’t believe I called you in
the middle of the night, I’m so fucking sorry.”
“It’s alright.”
399
“It’s not alright. Don’t say that. I can’t call you in the middle
of the fucking night and then treat you like shit that’s… That’s
not okay, don’t pretend that it is, please.”
It’s the please, sincere and small, that makes Louis agree.
“I just don’t even know what I’m fighting for anymore,” Harry
admits in a small voice and Louis wants to wrap him up, wants
him to crawl inside Louis so he can keep him safe, so he can
never sound this defeated ever again. “And I’m fighting so
hard, too. For a place in this toxic industry and for my music…
I just…”
400
He inhales deeply, clearly trying to stop himself from crying.
Then, he clicks his tongue, annoyed. When he speaks again,
he’s fast, words spitting out of his mouth like bullets, anger so
palpable Louis thinks if he reaches out in front of him, he’ll be
able to touch it. From thousands of miles away.
“First time seeing them, first time going out with them since
I’ve been back in LA. It was supposed to be a small intimate
thing at my friends’ house, but then more and more people got
invited so we went to this fancy restaurant, right? I was getting
nervous about the size of the party but I thought, it’s one of my
favourite restaurants, I deserve a nice night out with friends.
I’m in a good place. Right? I’m in a good place. So we’re
having a nice night out, good food and everything. Celebrating
my return, they said.” He pauses, exhaling shakily.
“Celebrating my bloody return,” he repeats. “Isn’t it fucking
great to have good friends like that, uh? I sure am lucky.”
Louis closes his eyes, holding his breath, waiting for the other
shoe to drop.
401
offered me fucking cocaine,” he laughs again, his voice
echoing.
Harry laughs, not angrily this time, sounding a little more like
himself. “Yeah.”
His breath is steady down the phone, a sound Louis can’t help
but find reassuring.
“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Harry says. “It’s silly but I just… I
was so angry.”
“I don’t mind.”
402
“I don’t think they meant anything by it, that’s the worst. They
just wanted a night out. Big party. They didn’t blink when I
refused and reminded them I’m sober. No one tried to pressure
me or anything, it just… I don’t know that I can be around
people like that anymore. I’m in a good place now… Good
enough to say no. But what about six months from now? Or
two years from now?” He swears softly under his breath. “I
guess I have a lot to think about,” he sighs.
403
Louis exhales silently before speaking. “You what?” he asks,
voice steady. The last thing he needs is for Harry to be able to
tell, he thinks viciously as he wipes his right cheek with the
back of his hand.
“You okay?”
404
“Can you stay on the line while I wait for a car?” Harry asks in
a small voice and he probably knows he’s asking for too much,
knows that Louis won’t refuse him even though he should.
405
not. It’s neighbours who want to come around for dinner and
wonder if the B&B is too full for it, or potential guests calling
to reserve a room, sometimes future guests armed with a long
list of questions Louis has to patiently answer. It’s never who
he wants it to be, never Harry, and as May vanishes into June,
Louis is forced to admit it’s not going to happen.
406
days, even risks a little swim with Clifford once in a blue moon,
trying not to think of a teeth-chattering Harry lunging himself
into the freezing water a few months back.
Even after weeks without news, Louis’ heart still squeezes with
anticipation. “New bills for me, uh?” Louis jokes, trying to
manage his expectations.
407
But MacLean smirks like he knows exactly what Louis is
doing, knows exactly what Louis has been desperately waiting
for.
Louis smiles politely through the desire to throttle him. The one
thing he hates about Harry’s postcards is the fact that MacLean
definitely has read all of them and he’s probably told everyone
else. It doesn’t take a genius to guess who the mysterious ‘H’
who keeps writing to him is. Thankfully, no one in town has
mentioned it to Louis, but he can tell they’re treating him
carefully sometimes, like they know he’s sad.
He hates it.
At first, Louis thinks it’s a picture of the ocean but when the
postman finally hands it to him, he realizes it’s the sky, with a
circle of palm trees towering towards it, Los Angeles written in
bright pink letters in the middle.
408
“Nae bother!” MacLean calls back with a chuckle, but Louis is
already long gone.
He waits until he’s past the village and walking towards his
home to flip the card, not even looking at where he’s going.
409
29/05/19
Darling, Dearest,
I’m fighting for your kind of quiet.
xH
410
Louis looks at the date with wide eyes. Harry wrote it only a
few days after their phone call, only a few days after he told
Louis he didn’t know what he was fighting for anymore. Louis
is shaking a little, unsure how he’s meant to interpret this. The
rational part of his brain keeps reminding him he probably
shouldn’t read too much into it, that he’s hurting himself by
letting the words on the page flutter his heart. The other part of
him, the desperately in love part, melts.
Even if Harry doesn’t mean it the way Louis wants him to, he
can’t help how touched he feels. He’s moved that the respite he
and his home managed to give Harry mattered so much to him
that he’s still chasing it from miles away, that he’s still chasing
that feeling. Maybe the peace of Fair Isle will be a comparison
point for the rest of his life, some kind of goal he’ll try to
achieve in his career going forward. Maybe he’ll always come
back to it as a true oasis of quiet, if only in his mind.
If Louis could give him that, even if they never see each other
again, he’ll feel satisfied.
411
them, all smiles, postcard already in his hand. Louis suddenly
forgets how to English, hands useless as he vaguely points in
the general direction of the observatory.
Louis stares at him until he’s barely a dot in the distance and,
only then, does he realizes that he’s been standing silent like an
idiot one hand still pointing. He lets his arm fall, eyes drifting
to the postcard and he frowns a little when he spots the dark
blue of the ocean on it, contrasted by the pale blue of
the Greetings from Jamaica.
412
Right on cue, Sophie and her boyfriend, whose name Louis
couldn’t recall even if you paid him, laugh. People on holiday
are so easy to please, he thinks distantly when they thank him
and start walking in the direction he pointed out. They’re
already in a good mood, ready for an adventure and to be
entertained. Even his worst jokes always get a laugh from the
tourists. Still, he’s not desperate for an audience right now, is
quite excited that they’re fucking off actually.
Once they’re gone, Louis opens the cottage front door and
whistles. He waits a few seconds before Clifford appears,
wagging his tail excitedly at being called out.
Louis doesn’t even bother with the leash, too eager to get away
and find some privacy to read his letter. They walk down to the
beach together, relieved to find it not too busy. Still, Louis finds
a rock in a corner and sits down out of sight, taking his vans off
and letting his feet dangle in the water. Clifford is happily
running around the beach, saying hello to the people he knows
and Louis lets him have fun while he focuses on his mail.
413
03/06/19
Dear Louis,
I found another island to hide while I record.
I wish it felt the same but… It’s sunny all the time here.
And hot. Everyone loves it.
I’d give anything for one of those storms we used to watch
though.
Still, things are progressing faster than I could have imagined.
It’s a good thing, I suppose.
I’m thinking about you.
xH
414
Louis finds himself smiling when he reads the date. Harry
wrote it weeks ago. Right after the latest postcard. He’s been
thinking about Louis all this time, kept thinking about him and
writing to him, even when he got busy with work.
Blinded by his feelings for Harry, Louis can’t help but read the
melancholia, the sadness, beneath the words and want to make
it better. Except there’s nothing he can do, so he sits there, on
his rock, feet in the water, and swallows down the concern.
415
The next time the postman brings Louis some news, it’s more
than a week later, at the very end of June.
The month flew by faster than Louis could have imagined and
he feels like almost all he did in the last two weeks was spend
hours locked in the kitchen to cater to a full cottage. It’s a
blessing not to have any vacancies and Louis knows it, but he’s
only halfway through the season and he can feel himself getting
tired. He knows part of it is because a lot of his energy is still
spent nursing a broken heart. He never lets it show though,
bright friendly smile on his face at all times. But that requires
a lot of energy too, to be ‘on’ every second of every day, except
in the privacy of his own room. Under normal circumstances,
Louis finds customer service easy. He knows how to charm
people and entertain them. He knows how to make them laugh
and leave him five-star reviews on TripAdvisor. He doesn’t
find it too tiring because he only has to do it actively in the busy
half of the year. These days though, faking joy and interest in
everyone else’s life story takes a bit more out of him than
normal.
416
opened in pleasure. So he indulges and indulges again,
rereading the words under the torch light.
The morning of June twenty-eight starts like all the others, with
a long jog along the cliffs and down to the beach. Then, Louis
makes breakfast for everyone, chatting pointlessly with guests
as they share the food, having been invited in the dining room
for once. Once the dining room is cleaned up and the dishes are
done, he busies himself with some administrative tasks, staying
at the reception desk so he’s visible should any of the guests
need him desperately. The morning goes by slowly, a little too
warm, a little too boring. Soon enough, it’s too late for
MacLean to turn up and Louis resigns himself to another day
without news.
417
mail, nervous to read what Harry has to say now that he’s seen
the look on Mr. MacLean’s face.
418
11/06/19
Dear Louis,
I’m sorry about my latest. Sometimes
I don’t know what I’m talking about.
xH
419
“What?” Louis says as he reads the letter, thinking back to the
last postcard he received, the one that announced Harry was
recording his album.
There is no reason for Harry to regret sending that one and it’s
with his heart in his throat that Louis moves on to the second
postcard, this one another beachy picture, the JAMAICA
written in the flag’s colours in the middle taking almost the
entire space. It takes a second for Louis to even notice
the Greetings, with love written above and below it. Still
nervous and with a slight tremor in his hands, Louis turns the
postcard around.
It’s dated the day before the other card and Louis has to put a
hand on the reception desk to steady himself as he reads it.
420
10/06/19
I DON’T KNOW IF I KNOW HOW TO NOT MISS YOU.
I RECORD SONGS AND THERE’S ONLY YOU COMING
OUT OF THE
SPEAKERS. I’M PRETTY SURE I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR
THIS.
421
The words are dripping with anger, resentment – Louis doesn’t
need to hear Harry’s tone to know it – and for the first time, he
thinks maybe Harry is suffering for the same reason that he is.
Maybe Harry has feelings too. He’s writing songs about him,
after all. He’s writing songs and he’s frustrated about it. Harry,
who still likes the idea of writing a song for someone as a
romantic gesture even if he doesn’t want them written about
himself. He’s thinking about Louis still, months later. Maybe
Harry’s haunted too ? Maybe he obsesses over thoughts of
Louis the way Louis does…
He can’t.
422
Should Louis ignore it? Should he ignore the way it makes him
feel? Warm and special and big and important? Sad and
incomplete? Harry clearly wants him to, with the way he’s
apologised for his feelings.
Louis puts the second card away, flat on the counter, image side
up so he doesn’t have to read Harry trying to take his spill of
feelings back.
He reads the line. Then rereads it. He reads it three times, four
times, five times.
Not for the first time, he’s relieved Harry never bothers with a
return address. Louis would hate to be the man begging a fling
from months ago for a drop of attention.
423
It’s very informal, as far as Harry’s correspondence goes. It
makes no mention of his previous two letters and Louis, who
has been obsessing over them for days, feels a little cheated.
For nine days now, he’s felt like Harry dropped a bomb on their
relationship, opening himself in ways he had never done before
and Louis has been waiting, heart in a perpetual rollercoaster,
to see what he’d have to say next.
Turns out what he has to say next is a big fat load of nothing.
424
21/06/19
I think I wrote the best song I’ve ever written yesterday.
It’s not even as scary as it should be.
Feels like… like it might be worth it.
425
It’s not that Louis isn’t happy for him. He’s always happy for
him. But he’s been cultivating the hope that Harry might want
more, might love him back, for nine days now, and the second
he reads that postcard it feels like a bucket of ice cold water has
been thrown at his face.
But Louis still puts the new postcard carefully in his pink tin,
tucking it inside next to the others so he can reread it whenever
he needs.
426
27/06/19
Hey Louis,
Remember my birthday?
I didn’t think it was possible to feel free like this.
You, me, Cliff & the sea… When I’m not recording here,
I’m always on the beach, chasing that feeling,
feet warm in the water.
It’s not the same, but it’ll do.
xH
427
Louis would be angry at Harry for playing hot and cold, for
being toyed with, but he understands. Understands how hard it
is to be apart, even if they both know they don’t have a choice.
How hard it is to accept that their lives will never tangle
naturally, will never mesh in a way that would make being a
couple easy. He understands how difficult it is to let go,
understands being so reluctant.
So no, Louis can’t feel angry. He’s not ready to let go either,
not yet.
Harry will get bored, or too busy, or both, eventually. And it’s
okay. Louis will deal when the time comes. But for now, he
can’t let go. And he certainly would never blame Harry for
feeling the same.
428
Chapter 13
“I’m surprised you’re not outside with the others,” Louis teases
as he walks in instead of saying hi. “We don’t always get them
sunny like this, the beach is beautiful today. You’d get some
great viewpoints of the cliffs and the lighthouse from down
there.”
She doesn’t blush. Instead, she beams at him with pride and a
hint of smugness. “Isn’t it?” she says cheekily.
429
“Thank you, dear. I can’t quite believe you get to be here every
day.”
“What you can do for me?” Mrs. Chadwick asks, eyes confused
under her thick-rimmed black glasses.
“Oh! Of course, silly me. No, no, you’ve got it wrong my dear
boy, it’s what I can do for you.”
“That nice little postman was here,” she says and Louis can’t
help but snort at the idea of describing MacLean, who towers
over most with his 6 '3 stature, as little. “He’s left a postcard
for you,” she adds and Louis’ inhales sharply.
It’s only been a few days since he last had news. It’s not a bad
thing, not having to wait. Of course, it’s not, but Louis is not
used to receiving Harry’s letters so close together.
430
but underneath he’s restless, fearing he might have received the
last one without even knowing it, fearing Harry won’t warn him
before stopping to write and he’ll be left unsatisfied with no
closure. It’s not great, but it’s what Louis has become used to.
“Oh, did he?” Louis finally replies after a long pause. “Well,
thank you for getting my mail for me, that’s very kind.” He
offers her his hand expectantly, stomach tightening with nerve.
Mrs. Chadwick flips a few pages from her sketchbook until she
finds the two she nestled the postcard between. “There you
are,” she says kindly.
He’s turned away from the window, flipping the card over and
about to read it as he leaves the room when Mrs. Chadwick
clears her throat.
431
“Oh no,” Mrs. Chadwick says kindly. “I just thought maybe
you’d want to chat.” The way she says it, so pointedly… Louis
knows straight away that she’s joined the long list of people
who have read or heard about his mail.
432
05/07/19
“They say when you are missing someone that they are
probably feeling the same, but I don't think it's possible for you
to miss me as much as I'm missing you right now”
Edna St. Vincent Millay
433
Louis blinks, eyes wet. He lets out a shuddering exhale, trying
not to cry.
“Oh, I don’t think so,” she says softly, closing her sketchbook
and putting her pencils aside.
“You need tea,” she announces firmly as they turn into the
kitchen. “Tea and a good chat with a stranger.”
434
“I’m okay,” Louis lies, still following after her.
She sternly points at one of the chairs around the tiny table in
the kitchen – Harry’s chair – before turning her back to him and
putting the kettle on.
Louis snorts, sitting down in the chair and putting the postcard
down on the table, text facing up.
“Ah, but your dog can’t say anything back now, can he?” she
asks, turning around briefly to smirk at him.
“Go on,” she encourages him a while later – after she’s put a
steaming cuppa in front of him. “You’ll feel better, and I’m an
old nosy hag; I want to know it all.”
Louis chuckles, drinking the hot beverage despite the fact that
it’s boiling outside.
“You love whoever wrote that letter a lot,” Mrs. Chadwick says
and Louis finds himself trying to blink tears away again, this
time much less successfully than before.
435
Not trusting his voice not to shake, Louis simply nods.
“But she can’t stay here with you,” Mrs. Chadwick continues
to guess.
“Yeah...,” Louis sniffs, wiping a tear away with the palm of his
hand. “He’s travelling a lot for work and he keeps writing
without leaving a return address. Most days it feels like I’m just
waiting for news, you know?”
“Sounds a bit selfish if you ask me,” she adds, ignoring Louis’
protest.
“He’s the most selfless man I’ve ever met,” Louis whispers.
“Everything he does… it’s for other people. I can’t be mad at
436
him for writing to me if he needs to when he almost never does
things for himself. I can’t… Even if I miss him and it hurts, and
even if I read that quote and I feel so… so angry because if he
were here and he could feel what I feel, he would never dare to
imply I don’t miss him too.” Louis breathes deeply, looking
down, down at the postcard. “But then… how can I be angry?
When I read this and I just… I think… maybe, if things were
different, he’d be here with me. How can I be angry? When
that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever read.”
“Oh darling,” Mrs. Chadwick says, gently reaching for his hand
across the table squeezing it in hers.
Mrs. Chadwick hums, tapping the top of his hand softly with
her fingers. “You’re all over the place, aren’t you?” she teases.
“That’s one way of putting it,” Louis says, rolling his eyes.
Then, he smiles. “It’s gonna be okay, eventually.”
437
“We can only mourn them after they’ve gone, but still treasure
them for what they gave us,” she adds, an absent look on her
face.
When she and her husband leave with the grandkids at the end
of the week, she gives Louis one of her sketches of the
lighthouse. In the corner, she quickly writes ‘ Louis, look how
beautiful your world is!’ before handing it to him with a
knowing smile.
The next Japan postcard comes only a week after the first,
surprising Louis a little less. Harry isn’t offering more
information as to why he’s in Asia, but this time, he gives him
a snippet of what life is like for him there. Louis reads the card
with a soft smile on his face as he puts away his jacket, having
just come back from his morning jog. When he reaches the end,
Louis blushes, feeling it spread from his face, down to his torso,
his heart skipping a few beats. The shift in tone alone is enough
to leave Louis a bit confused but flattered nonetheless.
438
11/07/19
Dear Louis,
Have you ever been to Japan?
I love it there. Walking around Tokyo, I feel like I’m truly
getting lost.
It’s exhilarating. I’ve been trying to pick up the language.
It’s fun but challenging. Keeps me occupied while stuff is
being… negotiated.
All my admiration to the way
your eyelashes kiss your cheeks.
xH
439
It’s such a small thing, a weird compliment if anything, but
Louis lets it spread over him like a caress. Reading it feels
exactly the same as the warmth of Harry’s determined gaze on
his face. It feels exactly like when he spent long evenings
studying every corner of Louis’ features in silence. It feels
exactly like when Harry carefully pressed kisses on every
single inch of Louis’ skin, reverent in what could only be
described as love making even though they never used such
language.
Those words, this letter, feel exactly the same, so Louis blushes
and shivers a little, pressing it against his pounding heart as he
tries to calm himself, as he tries not to feel wooed.
Life carries on, the summer days still long and the lighthouse
still busy. And Louis still waits, trying not to start feeling
worried when August first comes and goes without news. The
Japan postcards arrived more or less a week after being written,
so it’s safe to assume Harry’s moved on, gone somewhere else,
and that’s why Louis hasn’t received a thing yet. To stop his
fussing and worrying, Louis imagines all the far away places
he could be travelling to and that take ages for mail to reach
Fair Isle. One night in the middle of the second week of August,
440
Louis spends an entire evening on top of the lighthouse
imagining Harry sunbathing in Hawaii.
441
He’s fidgety and uncomfortable the whole day, silently
chastising himself for being so needy, so worried, that googling
Harry would be tempting, even for a second. Guests even start
commenting on it, asking him with concerned tones if he’s sure
he’s alright as he serves dinner that evening.
442
25/07/19
Dear Louis,
Recently, I had such a stark moment of clarity it was like the
whole world lit up with certainty. I’ve known what I want for a
while now, but there’s comfort in the bone-deep satisfaction I
felt a few nights ago. The beach was empty, the sky beautiful, I
knew who I am, and I could almost feel your hand in mine…
Selfishly wishing you were here,
H
443
“A stark moment of clarity?” Louis says to himself as he
presses start on the washing machine. “What the hell does that
mean?”
Harry still misses him though, is still suffering from the other
side of the world, and Louis can’t help the mixture
of reliefgriefempathysadness that fills him up at the
knowledge. He hasn’t moved on yet. They’re both still in the
same boat.
It takes only a little over a week for the next postcard to come,
offering Louis nothing but more whiplash. It’s mid, borderline
late August by now and most of his guests have started trickling
down south again, a few of them heading to Edinburgh for the
festival, while others head home already. He’s a little less busy
than last year, which should be concerning financially, but truth
be told, Louis is a little relieved. He’s got no bookings past the
first week of September and normally he’d be upset, but this
year, he’s really looking forward to the peace and quiet.
Wallowing and nursing a broken heart when he has to smile at
strangers all the time aggravates the pain tenfold and he just
wants to spend an entire day without fake smiling. Just one day.
But, there are still a few bookings here and there, so when Louis
receives a postcard from London around the nineteenth of
August, he has to leave the reception desk flustered,
abandoning a solo traveler and the insanely boring chat he was
subjecting Louis to.
444
He’d feel bad for essentially deserting a customer, but there are
little tingles of electricity coursing through his veins at the
thought of Harry being back on this side of the pond and he
needs to read his mail immediately. Right now. Straight away.
By himself. Besides, his lie about forgetting to do something
urgent was convincing enough, what with the way his voice
reached a previously unachieved high pitch the second the
postman left the building.
Louis quickly makes his way through the cottage and the
annex, climbing up the stairs to the tower way too fast to be
fully safe. Once he reaches the top, he’s relieved to find it
empty. He doesn’t stop in the lantern room though, going
straight for the door that leads outside instead, heart thundering
and breaths quickening.
It’s not a sunny day, not really, but the sea is calm on the
horizon and Louis takes it all in as he inhales deeply to calm
himself down.
445
16/08/19
Dear Louis,
Here I am, back in the UK, after what feels like forever. I can’t
believe it’s only been a few short months. Going back to LA
– the site of so many triggering memories – felt nothing like a
homecoming. But I’m so glad I was strong enough to do it.
Being in London doesn’t quite feel like a homecoming either. I
guess I’m still looking for that feeling of belonging you
described so perfectly. I’m getting closer though, I know that
now. What a joy. What a relief.
Always thinking of you in your tower,
H
446
Louis puzzles the text for a while, frowning a little. There’s a
new sense of optimism in Harry’s writing that wasn’t there
before. Something that’s been slipping through his last couple
of postcards that’s different. It’s not just him trying to be
cheerful so Louis won’t worry. Louis has learned to recognise
that by now, has learned to spot the badly concealed
melancholy underneath it all. But this… this is sincere
optimism that’s dripping from every single word, a belief that
things are going to be okay. Louis thinks back to that clarity he
mentioned previously and wonders… He wonders what it is
that Harry has figured out that changed everything.
The next postcard comes two days later, from LA, dated from
the beginning of the month, right before Harry left the US for
London.
447
10/08/19
Dear Louis,
It feels good to know that tomorrow I’m leaving LA with all my
business sorted, that I won’t have to be back for a while now.
It’s a weight off my shoulders! I’ve worked hard for so long and
soon, it’s going to start paying off. Soon, I’ll see the results. I’m
sorry if I seem evasive… There’s so much I’m not allowed to
say yet. But I can’t wait to tell you everything. I can’t wait.
Yours,
H
448
It doesn’t give him a lot more information, but it does make
him feel better that Harry didn’t go almost a full month without
writing to him. Without thinking about him. Maybe it means
all of his fears about being forgotten aren’t founded, maybe it
means that Harry finding himself doesn’t necessarily mean the
end for them. They’re only an echo of what they were, of
course, but Louis can’t bear the thought of losing that.
And there’s that bit at the end… that bit where Harry says he
can’t wait to tell him everything.
Fair Isle is quite far for a coffee date to catch up, but Louis is
foolish enough to hope it means Harry will call again with news
at some point. That at some point – probably soon – he’ll pick
up that phone and tell Louis everything. He’ll tell Louis all
about finishing the writing of the album, tell him all about his
recording adventures around the world. His voice will go a little
high pitched like it does when Harry gets passionate about
something, his words won’t be as calculated as usual. There’ll
be fewer pauses where he’s looking for what to say because
he’ll be so excited to tell Louis all about it. He’s foolish enough
to hope that Harry isn’t going to forget Louis on his quest to
reconquer the world with his music, even though he’s officially
left him behind.
He’s back in London now, most of the work on his album must
be done. It has to be. Surely, that means Harry will call with
news any day now.
Any day.
But any day doesn’t come and neither does the phone call.
449
Instead, it’s one more postcard that Louis receives only a
couple of days later. And, for his own sanity, he tries very hard
not to interpret is as a love letter.
450
20/08/19
When you smile at me, it’s like the whole world vanishes. It’s
what I think about if I feel observed by strangers on the street.
I think about the way you look at me and their inquisitive gaze
can’t touch me. How on Earth do you do that?
451
It makes him feel small and powerful at the same time, and he’s
not sure how Harry can achieve such prowess with only a few
scribbled words.
He tells himself Harry never cared for him. He tells himself that
Harry’s been toying with him all along. He tells himself that it
never meant anything to him at all. He tells himself that he’s
been nothing but a foolish, stupid, naive man.
Louis knows only the last part is true, but it helps him manage
his expectations when he tells himself those awful things. Hope
is a dangerous and powerful thing and he truly can’t allow
himself the unavoidable disappointments that come with it.
Louis can’t do this
Louis doesn’t really believe in anything, but for once in his life,
he finds himself looking up at the stars from the top of the tower
and asking the universe what it's trying to achieve here.
452
On the twenty-seventh of August, Louis simply receives this :
24/08/19
“Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”
maybe Charles Bukowski?
453
He tries not to find it funny, tries to feel miserable about the
randomness of it, but he can’t help but think about Harry –
stupid Harry – who wrote this down and mailed it to Louis,
probably hoping it would make him smile.
So Louis laughs.
454
29/08/19
“Baby, there’s worlds in your silence / there’s a lifeline on your
breath.”
455
The first time he reads it, he lets out a shuddery exhale, resisting
the temptation to google the words. They’re probably new
lyrics, something Harry penned a while back, and Louis tries
not to feel absolutely overwhelmed by that fact. He can’t look
for confirmation though, can’t let himself feel this fully. So he
carries on carrying on, puts the postcard in his tin and keeps the
words in his heart.
September settles in, the last few guests leave, the lighthouse
empties, and suddenly, Louis is alone with that quiet, that
silence. That silence that Harry clearly treasures, still, but that
Louis is finding a little difficult to face alone now that he knows
what it’s like to share it with someone that he loves.
456
Louis has been silently waiting for all his guests to leave so he
could wallow in peace for a while, but now that he’s alone, he’s
not as comfortable in the solitude as he expected he would. He
doesn’t miss having to fake joy constantly, but maybe the
distractions from his broken heart weren’t as bad as he thought.
Still, not having to prep breakfast every single night before
going to bed and then having to cook said breakfast for
everyone early every morning is a luxury. That autumn
morning, Louis enjoys taking his tea on the gallery, sitting on
the floor with his back against the tower and a book in hand.
It’s the Edna St-Vincent Millay poetry book that Harry became
so fond of, the pages now well-loved and annotated messily,
the corners folded without shame on favourites. It looks
cherished now, no longer in pristine condition the American
student it used to belong to left it in, and Louis almost can’t
believe that Harry didn’t leave with it, what with the way he
used to stay nose buried in it night after night. It’s a nice
memento for Louis to have though, he won’t deny that. Not to
himself. Rereading the poems, rereading the little thoughts
Harry has jotted down all over the book, it feels like a part of
him stayed here with Louis. Even if it’s tiny. It’s… nice, Louis
figures, to having something beyond the postcards to keep,
something that proves he was really here with Louis and he’s
left a mark on something else than Louis’ heart.
“Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
Eat I must, and sleep I will, — and would that night were here!
457
But ah! — to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
Louis nearly chokes on his tea at the sight, heart jumping in his
throat as it has done every single time Maclean has brought him
mail since he has last received a postcard.
Louis shakes his head, going back to his book. He reads one
line, then another, then another, before he realizes he’s not
reading at all. He’s absorbing none of the information, too
obsessed with the hypothetical postcard waiting for him in the
cottage. He can’t focus. He can’t focus when there’s the
possibility that Harry might have written to him again.
Except….
458
“Don’t expect anything,” Louis mumbles to himself as he gets
up. He puts a finger in the book to mark his page, then leans
down to grab his cuppa.
He takes the last few steps forward slowly, almost like he’s
scared of the letter, and he knows he must look ridiculous, but
he can’t help it. Before going for his mail, he puts both his mug
and the book on the counter, no longer caring about the page at
all.
It’s from Aberdeen , of all places, and Louis can’t imagine what
Harry is doing in Aberdeen unless he’s… Louis swallows hard,
holding onto the reception desk to keep himself upright, heart
squeezing painfully in his chest. He shakes his head, mentally
crushes the thought that Harry is coming .
He can’t.
459
He can’t allow himself the belief that he gets to see Harry soon.
It never does, so Louis opens his eyes and reads the card
anyway.
460
11/09/18
Oh Louis, If only there were words…
A lifetime ago, you asked me if I was a writer. I didn’t answer
quite truthfully. Yet here I am, dozens of songs later, pages of
lyrics I penned, and when I try to think of what to say to you, I
can’t remember a single word... Some poet I turned out to be.
Robbed of his tongue when he needs it the most. Drowning in
thoughts of you.
Always yours,
H
461
“Oh,” Louis whispers again, softly touching the card, the
words, the beautiful words that Harry claims he’s lacking. The
beautiful words that make Louis’ heart flutter.
Always yours, Harry wrote, but they both know that’s not true.
They both know it’s not realistic.
First, Louis hears the front door creak open. Then, Clifford’s
nails clicking against the floor in the hallway as he goes to see
who just walked in, his barking excited at the sight rather than
threatening. Finally, a low and familiar voice that carries
despite its softness. A voice saying sweet little nothings,
claiming Clifford is “such a good boy” and that “it’s so good to
see him”.
462
Louis blinks and Harry is still there.
His hair is a bit shorter than when he left, but not quite as short
as the first time Louis ever saw him, strands of hair curling
against his temples, framing his face delicately. Louis’ stomach
tighten with the desire to bury his fingers in the curls at the nape
of Harry’s neck, to drag him in an embrace, to welcome him
home, to –
Louis inhales deeply and the floor creaks beneath his feet,
giving him away.
“Hey.”
463
Harry gulps, then smiles – a tiny thing, half shy, half
mischievous. “Got any vacancies?” he asks, gesturing towards
the dinosaur of a computer that Louis curses at every day.
464
Louis takes a step forward. “Harry… I’m…” He smiles,
suddenly wanting to cry. “I’m so happy for you,” he says,
surprising himself by meaning it. “I’m so proud.”
Harry’s not here to stay. He’s got an album coming out, he’s
going on tour again, and even though he’s been writing Louis
what might as well be love letters for the past few months, he’s
not come here to stay.
Louis has always known it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any
less. And still, through the sharp disappointment, Louis feels so
thoroughly relieved, so thoroughly euphoric, that Harry is well,
that he’s going to keep on doing what he loves. On his terms.
That he’s not letting the fear stop him from doing what he was
born to do.
“Yeah.”
465
“Did you…” Louis takes a step forward. The answer might
hurt, but he needs to know. He needs the closure he never got
when Harry left, needs to know why he’s back here of all
places. “Did you come all this way to tell me about the album?
About the tour?”
Harry looks down, then shakes his head. “No,” he replies softly
before looking back at Louis. “Of course not. I came all this
way because… because… Well, I know you love your life here
and that you’re not lonely up there by yourself,” he gestures
towards the tower. “I know you’re not waiting for someone to
rescue you from the loneliness or anything like that, that you
don’t need someone to complete you, or whatever romantic
bullshit…” Harry clears his throat, eyes wet. “But I thought…
I thought... since I’m deeply in love with you, that maybe it was
worth asking if there’s space for me in that already brilliant life
of yours? Because… just like you feel like the truest version of
yourself here on Fair Isle, I think… I think I feel like the truest
version of myself when I’m with you.”
466
“You’re not complicated,” Louis replies fiercely, walking up to
him, cradling his face in his hands, the most precious cargo
he’ll ever hold.
467
his suitcase this time, unburden, fully himself, and Louis…
Louis loves all of him.
Louis hums, catching the tears under Harry’s right eye this
time.
“It should scare me,” Louis whispers, “but I could never say
no. You’re undeniable to me, Harry Styles.”
468
“Yeah,” Louis nods, having seen this particular model a
thousand times and more near the counter at Dunn’s grocers. “I
know,” he adds, gulping down the well of emotions bubbling
in his chest.
469
14/09/19
It’s you.
It’s you my love, who brought me back here again and again –
if only in thoughts – like the never-ending storm on this island,
whose winds and waves kiss the beach you walk week after
week. You stand as tall as your tower in my mind’s eyes, a
guiding light, a call home.
A voice in the back of my mind.
Undeniable.
470
471