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Personal Research Paper

Madelyn Honea

Boise State University

SOC 390
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This semester, I wanted to improve my active listening skills in my personal and

professional relationships. I have moved into a new position in my career as well as moved in

with my partner. These new environments have posed unique challenges. I hoped that by

improving my active listening skills I would listen intently, become more assertive, retain what is

being communicated, and be active in the conversation. This would help me to remain

supportive, be understanding, and build trust in my relationships. Defining active listening and

conducting research into methods to improve my skills equipped me with the tools to improve

my listening abilities.

Active listening is concentrating on what is being said, rather than what is heard. It

involves listening with all your senses, giving full attention to the speaker, and using verbal and

nonverbal cues to affirm them. Signs of active listening may include smiling, eye contact, good

posture, and nodding. A listener who is not actively listening may have bad posture, cross their

arms, doodle, look at the clock, and avoid eye contact. There are other barriers to listening such

as bad habits like selective listening, false listening, and impatient listening. “Selective listening

is when we hear what we want to hear, picking and choosing those parts of the message that suit

our purpose” (Active listening, 1997). During false listening, we give signals that indicate

listening while our minds are preoccupied. Impatient listening occurs when we prepare our

response while listening.

I made notice of situations where I was not actively listening and how I mentally and

physically reacted to those situations. I mostly experienced lack of listening with my coworkers

and boyfriend. This false listening prevented me from speaking authentically with others and

contribute to the conversation. When the topic of conversation wasn’t relevant, interesting, or

pertaining to myself I was more likely to tune out. I also noticed that when someone was talking
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to me for what I felt like was too long, I started to tune out. Once those triggers occurred I felt

either rushed to get out of the conversation and back to what I needed to do or annoyed by the

conversation. Physically, my vision blurred a bit as I started to think to myself more than listen.

I would think of problems I’m currently solving or things I need to accomplish. At work I was

often preoccupied with the work I needed to be doing. I didn’t assert myself in these moments

and it prevented true communication.

Active listening can have a positive impact on relationships. Many of the research

methods I read about involved having couples discuss stressful, personal experiences while one

modeled active listening or responsive listening. 365 couples participated. They found that the

couples actively listened half of the time, and that women were more likely to exhibit stress

expression (Kuhn, et. al., 2018). The research shows that “good” listeners display active

listening in response to discussion of a stressful topic. They also display low levels of coping

through the whole conversation.

To change my active listening habits, Harvard Business Review suggested taking notes to

increase listening (Nawaz, et. al., 2017). I found this a great tip for the work environment, and

during lectures. But, I felt it would be difficult to take notes during conversations with a

significant other. Tell yourself that you will need to tell someone else about the conversation you

are having later (Edberg, H., 2019). Ask, instead of assuming. If your significant other says or

mentions something that makes you ask a question in your mind, ask it. It will help to clarify

anything you are missing and shows them you are involved in the conversation. Amy Gordon

with Psychology Today stresses the importance of active listening to increase intimacy in your

relationships. She states that the goal is about seeking understanding. You need to make sure

you understand what your partner is trying to say (Gordon, A. M., 2017). There are nonverbal
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cues that you can display to show the person that you are conversing with that you are actively

listening.

Further research identified five steps of active listening. The first is to listen without

personal barriers. Then, identify the speaker’s feelings by analyzing their body language, tone of

voice, and content of the message seeking empathy and a better understanding of their true

feelings (Active listening, 1997). Next is to acknowledge those feelings. Describe their feelings

as you see them and verify if you are correct. Then, paraphrase what the speaker has said for

clarity. Lastly, ask open-ended questions to determine how you can meet their needs. These

types of questions provide more feedback than a “yes” or “no”.

I applied these tactics to my personal relationship with my partner and my professional

relationships with my supervisor and coworkers. I made changes in my behavior by putting

away my phone or taking my attention away from my computer when I’m having a conversation.

During conversations I remain aware of my body posture and keep myself open towards the

speaker. I focus on listening by asking open ended and clarifying questions when appropriate.

By identifying the nonverbal habits I had when I was not listening, I was able to focus my

attention on avoiding them.

I have found that the content I have learned throughout this semester has expanded my

professional skills and abilities. When I first started my new job in October, I found it easy to be

sucked into work gossip and negative thinking. I had a hard time avoiding roadblocks that I

often use such as advising, giving solutions, and providing logical arguments. Learning in-depth

about the impact active listening has on professional and personal situations has helped me to

identify where I am struggling and where I thrive.

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In the future, I aspire to become a director at a nonprofit organization. Because of this,

leadership development is also an interest of mine. In my research I learned about the increasing

need for leaders to have active listening skills. “listening is a skill that will become more

rewarding for us as citizens increasingly look for leaders who are willing and able to be attentive

to their opinions and listen to their ideas” (Active listening, 1997). This summer, I will be

getting a program assistant for the program I run and look forward to seeing how I can continue

to practice active listening in a management position.

Now, during meetings I try to stay aware of my body language. I avoid gestures and

posture that would suggest I am upset or at disagreement with what is happening. I try to have

good posture, make eye contact, nod, and face towards the speaker to show I’m attentive. When

we all leave a meeting and it’s obvious who is gathering to gossip, I continue to push forward

and work. When coworkers approach me to vent and discuss things they don’t agree with, I

provide a way to vent, but I don’t contribute to their feelings. I’ve focused on validating how

they are feeling and why and avoided giving my own opinions or offering solutions.

In my relationship with my partner, focusing on my active listening has had a huge

impact. I’ve learned the importance of removing technology from conversation and focusing all

my attention on my partner. By making eye contact, having good posture, facing who I’m taking

to, and using gestures to stay involved in the conversation, I’ve been able to strengthen my

relationship. My partner travels a lot for his job, and I’ve found that by focusing on my active

listening we have improved our quality of time together. I have also found that he reciprocates

actively listening and asking open-ended questions more.

Behavior change takes a long time and a lot of dedication. This semester I have shown

growth in my active listening skills but continuing to practice active listening will help it to feel
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truly authentic. I have found it difficult now when other people do not actively listen to me, or

when I hear others using roadblocks in communication. It’s provided a unique challenge of

modeling these behaviors without expecting the same in return. The positive impact that I saw in

my relationships from actively seeking to improve my active listening skills encouraged me to

continue to do so even outside of this course.

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References

Active listening. (1997). Public Management (00333611), 79(12), 25. Retrieved from

http://search.ebscohost.com.libproxy.boisestate.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN

=9712102989&site=ehost-live

Edberg, H. (2019, March 04). How to Become a Better Listener: 10 Simple Tips. Retrieved from

https://www.positivityblog.com/better-listener/

Gordon, A. M. (2017, June 30). Why (and How) to Be a Better Listener in Your Relationship.

Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-you-and-

me/201706/why-and-how-be-better-listener-in-your-relationship

Nawaz, S., Gallo, A., Schwarz, R., & Saunders, E. G. (2017). Become a Better Listener by

Taking Notes. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2017/03/become-a-better-listener-by-

taking-notes

Kuhn, R., Nussbeck, F. W., Bradbury, T. N., & Bodenmann, G. (2018). The power of listening:

Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations. Journal of Family

Psychology, 32(6), 762–772. https://doi-org.libproxy.boisestate.edu/10.1037/fam0000421