NewYearsSteve1 18 06

ABOVE THE LINE AGENCY
NEW YEARS STEVE
by
Josh Herman & Adam Schwartz
Bruce Bartlett
310.859.6115
Bartlett@anet.net
Wgaw reg
468 N. Camden Dr. Suite 200 Beverly Hills California 90210

FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DECEMBER 31ST, 2006 - DAY
U2’s New Year’s Day rises over images of The Big Apple:
SNOW sprinkles the high rises.
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS adorn the shops.
YELLOW CABS HONK! in congested traffic.
AND cold committed masses in puffy parkas line up for the

Times Square BALLDROP...
EXT. OMNICOM HIGH RISE BUILDING - SAME TIME
Immense. We move up the building to the top floor...
INT. OMNICOM HIGH RISE BUILDING - SAME TIME
A silver sign sheens: “Omnicom”. EMPLOYEES in power suits

shoot through, all with cell phones--either in hand or ear.
INT. OMNICOM CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME TIME
Suits surround a vast red-oak table. Front and center struts

STEVE DARLING (35), tall and sporting a toothy grin.
STEVE
...which is why I’m suggesting an
entirely new way of thinking here
at Omnicom.
KISS ASS CARL, a frightened mouse of a man, fake smiles.
KISS ASS CARL

Can’t wait to hear it, Steve!
STEVE
Zip it, Carl.
Carl hushes while Steve continues to swagger.
STEVE
I’ll give you my brilliant proposal
in one word:
(dramatic pause)
Seconds.
2.
Steve rips a veil off an easel revealing a rainbowed display:

Omnicom Seconds Plan. The room murmurs. He raises his cell.
STEVE
Think about it! Would you rather
have two hundred minutes or six
thousand seconds? I'd take the six
thousand seconds. Why? Because it
sounds like more.
A Surly Woman rudely thrusts a calculator in Steve’s face.
SURLY WOMAN
But it’s not more.
STEVE
(mimics)
“But it’s not more...”
(beat)
Exactly! In fact, 6,000 seconds is
only half as much as 200 minutes.
But guess what? Our customers
can’t add worth shit!
The room shifts uncomfortably. Did he just say that?
STEVE
We’ll be giving them less time for
the same price. It’ll earn Omnicom
millions!
Uncertainty fills the place. An Older Man, in a rug

seemingly made of construction paper, clears his throat.
OLDER MAN
(pretentious)
I’ve been in this business a while,
and Steven, time is time. You
can’t just break it up in different
increments and expect people to--
STEVE
--Hey, “Ted Danson”, I realize you
were alive when the first phone was
invented, but try to keep up.
(beat)
One of my jobs at Omnicom is to
organize the minutes for the cell
phone plans. I create time. And
therefore, I define time. Time is
whatever I say it is. Got it?
(MORE)
3.
STEVE(cont'd)
And if I've learned one thing
working here, besides that Carl
needs a stronger deodorant--
KISS ASS CARL

It’s true!
STEVE
--it's that customers always want
the bigger number. It’s the
“Supersize” mentality. Any
questions?
KATHY
(overly peppy)
Yeah! I posted the sign up sheet
for our Ski Retreat on the fridge.
Did everyone remember to sign up?
STEVE
Okay...how about questions from
someone who’s not going to be fired.
Hands raise...
STEVE
And if they relate to your kid
selling chocolate bars, or how
things “used to be done”, submit
them in writing to my garbage can.
The hands go down. Steve smiles wide.
STEVE
Good. Meeting’s over. Feel free
to clap. Seriously.
They applaud. Mostly out of fear.
STEVE
Now, who’s buying me lunch? I’m
looking at you, Carl!
INT. OUTSIDE OMNICOM CONFERENCE ROOM - SOON AFTER
The door swings open. As the suits disperse, Steve

simultaneously winks, cocks an eyebrow, and claps...
STEVE
Hey there! Must be the new intern.
HOT INTERN--think Paris Hilton with bigger breasts.

4.
HOT INTERN
Yep. First day. Little nervous...
Steve puts his hand out to shake, but instead slips his card.
STEVE
Vice President of East Coast
Operations. But you can call me
Steve.
HOT INTERN
Wow, vice president?
STEVE
(oh yeah)
I’m the reason you get charged
twenty five dollars when you go one
second over your calling plan.
(proud)
And you know when you go “out of
range”. Yeah, I made that up.
Hot Intern isn’t sure whether to be impressed or feel

cheated. Steve’s CELL rings with The Apprentice Theme
(”Money, Money, Money”.)
STEVE
Gotta go.
Steve smoothly pivots and heads towards his office.
HOT INTERN
But I didn’t get a chance to tell
you my name.
STEVE
(grinning)
I’m sorry, we’re out of time.
INT. STEVE’S OFFICE - LATER
Plush is an understatement. It’s sheer size suggests

superiority. On his desk: FRAMED PHOTOS of Steve closing
deals, posing with the latest CELL PHONE MODELS, even one of
Steve sitting at his desk.
STEVE (INTO HEADSET)

I realize your account doesn’t add
up, but did you ever think that
maybe it’s because you can’t add?
(beat)
Don’t you get smart with me!
(MORE)
5.
STEVE(cont'd)
This isn’t customer service. Talk
to me like an adult or I’m charging
you for this conversation.
(beat)
Of course I can! This is the cell
phone industry, there aren’t any
regulations yet! We can do
whatever we want! Look, I’m
getting your file.
Steve rummages through his desk drawers. Buried at the

bottom, he finds a FRAMED PICTURE face down. Picks it up:
STEVE, HIS WIFE, AND HIS DAUGHTER HUG AT A PLAYGROUND.
STEVE (INTO HEADSET)

I’m going through a dead zone--I’ll
call you back, mom.
Steve hangs up. KNOCK!
The door opens. In walks a man whose successful presence

offsets his receding hairline. This is MR. SCHULLER(60’s).
STEVE
Oh...hey boss! Come on in!
Steve slams the picture back in the drawer and bounds up.
Gives Mr. Schuller a hearty handshake and a brief hug.
MR. SCHULLER
Is this a bad time?
STEVE
For you? I got all the time in the
world! I assume we’re here to talk
about my promotion?
MR. SCHULLER
Steve, relax. You’ve already got
the job. My job.
STEVE
Still can’t believe you’re
defecting to T-Mobile.
MR. SCHULLER
They’re paying me handsomely. Plus
I’ll be running the whole operation.
STEVE
Be honest. It’s because you wanna
bang Catherine-Zeta Jones.
6.
MR. SCHULLER
(laughs)
No, I’m old enough to be
her...husband. Anyways, just
wanted to wish you luck for
tonight. Are you ready?
STEVE
Are you kidding? I’ve spent all my
waking hours working toward this.
President of East Coast Operations?
I’ve dreamed of this day. Hell,
I’ve even jerked off to it.
MR. SCHULLER
Great, Steve. But I’m still the
boss until midnight.
Steve checks the time on his cell, shows it to Schuller.
STEVE
Well “boss”, your time is running
out. Because in twelve hours, the
ball in Times Square will drop, and
2007, “Year Of The Steve”, begins.
Mr. Schuller smiles politely. They move to the window. Gaze

across the skyscrapers to the GIANT BALL DROP.
MR. SCHULLER
So, how is everything else?
STEVE
Everything else? There is nothing
else. This is it!
MR. SCHULLER
It’s going to be a good year, Steve.
STEVE
Fuckin’ A.
EXT. AUREOLE RESTAURANT - LATER - DAY
Expensive and pretentious. Power lunch. Steve is escorted

to his usual table followed by his too-polite-for-his-own-
good assistant, NEWTON PEARSON (late 20’s).
Newton fumbles ten cell phones. They all beep in pockets of

his cargo pants and photographers vest (that Steve forces him
to wear). The two are seated.
7.
NEWTON
Sir is it really necessary for me
to carry around ten cell phones?
STEVE
Yes, one for every time you’ve
never gotten laid.
NEWTON
But it’s New Year’s Eve, I thought
today maybe I could--
STEVE
Jesus, Newton, you’re so whiny.
You’re the whiniest assistant I’ve
ever had. Seriously, would you
like some cheese with that whine?
One of Newton’s phones rings. Steve motions to get it.
NEWTON
Mr. Steve Darling’s office.
(to Steve)
It’s your mother, again. She wants
that discount.
Steve grabs the phone, hangs up.
STEVE
Are you impaired? Never patch her
through to me. I thought I made
that clear this morning after I
threw that stapler at your head.
NEWTON
Groin.
STEVE
You know my policy. No refunds.
NEWTON
But sir, it’s your mother.
STEVE
Look, we go over this every day.
When it comes to customers asking
for refunds, whether it’s my
mother, or your dermatologist, the
answer is always “NO”.
NEWTON
But what about the cases when the
company screwed up?
8.
STEVE
Let me put it to you this way: if
they get their money, you’ve
screwed up.
(beat)
You know my mantra: “One man’s
failure is another man’s
opportunity.”
NEWTON
What happened to the customer is
always right?
STEVE
This isn’t Burger King. And if you
don’t want to end up working there,
get with the program.
Their WAITER arrives. He’s Middle Eastern.
WAITER
What can I get you?
STEVE
His picture on a T-shirt that says
“Don’t do drugs.” Just kidding,
pal. I’ll start off with the steak--
WAITER
I can’t believe this. You don’t
recognize me?
STEVE
Uh...were you my waiter last week?
Cause if you were, you forgot the
bacon on my burger.
WAITER
Steve, it’s me, Zeki.
Steve stares at him blankly.
ZEKI
(insulted)
We were best friends all through
middle school and high school!
STEVE
Oh yeah...Newton look at this! My
old pal, Zeki. My bad on not
recognizing you. I never look at
waiters’ faces--too depressing.
(MORE)
9.
STEVE(cont'd)
Okay, it’s coming back to me now--
didn’t you want to be an engineer?
ZEKI
Yeah...I did.
STEVE
Well, why don’t you engineer us up
a couple sandwiches.
Steve laughs at his joke. Zeki’s face falls even lower.
STEVE
So...we were best friends, right?
ZEKI
(still annoyed)
Yes.
STEVE
That mean this is on the house?
Zeki looks at Steve like he’s a monster.
STEVE
What? I thought we were friends.
ZEKI
We were. Until you made it clear
you had no time for friends.
STEVE
Look, “Zacky,” there’s worse things
than being a waiter.
(points to Newton)
This shmuck’s gonna be an assistant
his whole life. Not to mention
he’s got less backbone than a
mollusk.
ZEKI
I’ll get your new waiter. I won’t
be serving you.
Zeki storms off.
STEVE
Can you believe that guy?
All of Newton’s phones ring at once. He answers one.

10.
NEWTON
Hello? We overcharged you?
Well...I...uh...are you sure?
Hmm...well...I could maybe--
Steve grabs the phone.
STEVE
(Chinese accent)
Wong numbah. Me so solly.
Steve stands up, dramatically. Looks around.
STEVE
EXCUSE ME! Could everyone please
look under their chairs to see if
they can locate this man’s testes?
A horrified Newton sinks down into his seat.
INT. STEVE’S MERCEDES - AFTER LUNCH - DAY
Newton drives. In the backseat, Steve text-messages between

cigarette puffs.
NEWTON
(coughing)
...anything else you need while
you’re at lunch with your wife?
STEVE
Yeah. I need you to make my New
Year’s resolution.
NEWTON
Excuse me?
STEVE
Do you need a hearing aide? Make
my New Year’s resolution.
NEWTON
But sir, isn’t that something only
you can do?
STEVE
Look, I’m too busy to make a
resolution this year. You’re my
assistant, so assist me by making
it for me.
A beat, as Newton considers this.

11.
NEWTON
Sooo...any specific part of your
life you’re looking to impro--
STEVE
--I don’t care! Just get it done.
INT. MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER HALLWAY - DAY
Steve and Newton charge through the halls. Newton nervously

shudders as sick and injured patients amble past him.
STEVE
Wait here.
NEWTON
But sir, you know I’m uncomfortable
around the sick.
STEVE
Me too. That’s why I don’t like
having you around. Now just wait
here in the hall with that guy
who’s bleeding on everything.
GUY WHO’S BLEEDING ON EVERYTHING waves cheerily. Steve

leaves. Newton’s terrified.
INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - MOMENTS LATER
Cafeteria is decorated for New Year’s--Father Time cut-outs,

Happy New Year banners, special New Year’s menu.
Steve approaches a table with SHANNON (35), a woman who looks

beautiful even in her scrubs, and MADELINE (7), whose curious
eyes seem sad. He pretends he doesn’t recognize her.
STEVE
Excuse me, I’m looking for my wife
and daughter?
MADELINE
Steve!
Madeline hugs Steve tight. Steve hugs her back.
SHANNON
Madeline, we talked about this.
Call him dad.
12.
STEVE
Shannon, it’s fine. This way, it’s
like we’re buddies.
SHANNON
She doesn’t need a buddy. She
needs a father.
(beat)
I got you a salad.
STEVE
Thanks, but I already had a steak.
SHANNON
Steak? What about your health?
STEVE
I’m healthy. I’ve only gained
twelve pounds since we married.
SHANNON
Twenty. And your weight’s not the
issue. It’s the fact that you
refuse to take care of yourself.
STEVE
Because I won’t eat in a hospital
cafeteria? When you think of all
the diseases in here, I think
that’s very health conscious.
MADELINE
Steve, can you take me to the
museum today?
STEVE
Sorry, Mad. It’s a busy time for
Steve. But how about I take you to
the office again, and we spend more
quality time together?
SHANNON
That wasn’t quality time. You used
her for a market research study.
MADELINE
And I didn’t even get to see you.
STEVE
What are you complaining about?
Most kids your age play in dirt.
You get to play in high finance!
13.
Shannon shakes her head. Madeline looks disappointed.
SHANNON
Honey, why don’t you go get some
more fruit.
MADELINE
Oh, time for grown-up talk? I’ll
just sit with Doctor Grant until
you’re finished.
Madeline gets up. Steve rubs her head playfully.
STEVE
She’s so mature for her age. Must
get it from me.
Steve balances a spoon on his nose.
STEVE
So, what’s this all about? Need a
date for New Year’s?
SHANNON
Steve, our separation has given me
time to think. I want a divorce.
The spoon crashes to the table.
STEVE
You make me leave the office on my
promotion day to tell me this?
SHANNON
I’m sorry. I still care about you.
It’s just...Steve you could be so
much more than what you’ve become.
Steve checks a text-message on his cell.
SHANNON
See! This is exactly what I’m
talking about. It’s like you’re
married to that cell phone.
STEVE
Look, you just don’t know what it’s
like having to balance a family
with a full-time career.
SHANNON
I’m a surgeon, Steve!
14.
Steve has no response. She called him out.
SHANNON
Do you remember our first date? It
was amazing. You took me sailing.
I’d never been sailing before. You
promised me we’d go all the time.
But we never did.
STEVE
So you’re divorcing me because I
haven’t taken you sailing? Maybe
you should have married a pirate.
SHANNON
Steve, the point is, you just don’t
have time for me anymore.
STEVE
So let’s schedule some time.
(removes appointment book)
I’ve got a couple days next month I
could squeeze you into.
SHANNON
Steve, you don’t even have time for
yourself. I try to take care of you.
I did all I could to help you quit
smoking, lose weight, exercise...
STEVE
I’ve made some progress...
SHANNON
Steve, I can smell the smoke on
your shirt and you got winded
walking to the table.
STEVE
So I just haven’t gotten around to
it, yet.
SHANNON
You’ve been saying that for years.
STEVE
Well, isn’t it the thought that
counts?
Shannon puts her hand on Steve’s hand. A caring gesture.

15.
SHANNON
If you want to talk more about
this, we could take a walk. I know
this is hard...
Newton arrives. He’s got blood splashed on his shirt.
NEWTON
Sir, sorry to interrupt. The CEO
is on the phone. Wants to
congratulate you on the new job.
Steve looks at Shannon. Then up at Newton holding his phone.

For a brief moment, Steve is torn. But it’s all too brief.
STEVE
Gotta go.
Steve springs up, turns, and power-walks away.
SHANNON
Are you sure you don’t want to
discuss this more?
Steve lights up a cigarette.
STEVE
(defensive)
I’m sorry, we’re out of time.
Steve and Newton rush off as Madeline returns to the table.

Shannon and Madeline despondently watch him leave.
INT. ROTARIAN SUPPER CLUB - 11:50 PM
Outside the mammoth bay windows, the BALL DROP illuminates

feverish New Yorkers ready to celebrate the New Year.
Inside, Steve’s employees - afraid of losing their jobs -

celebrate his promotion in ten minutes time.
Newton’s on a ladder fixing a banner: “Congratulations Steve!”
HOT INTERN
...wow, President of the East Coast.
STEVE
Yeah, and you know, hon, I’m
looking for a new assistant...
Newton, on the nearby ladder, winces.

16.
STEVE
And, yes, I know you’re within ear-
shot, Newton.
(to Newton re: the ladder)
Hey--it’s not like you’re climbing
the corporate ladder anytime soon,
bud. Take what you can get.
As Steve laughs, Newton removes an envelope labeled: Steve’s

New Year’s Resolution. He’s about to hand it to Steve, when--
KISS ASS CARL

Great joke, sir, great joke. Just
wanted to, uh, congratulate you...
no one deserves the promotion more
than you.
STEVE
Carl, you’re not just kissing ass,
you’re giving rim-jobs. But
thanks, babe.
Kiss Ass Carl laughs, pats Steve on the back.
HOT INTERN
Wow! You have so many friends.
That’s, like, the twelve person to
congratulate you.
STEVE
We say twelfth in this country,
sweets. And Carl actually makes a
baker’s dozen.
Kiss Ass Carl moves to a group of stoic employees.
KISS ASS CARL

Oh, please, please, don’t let him
fire me. I had to miss my wife’s
party to come to this.
SURLY WOMAN
My son’s wedding rehearsal. Steve
insinuated if I didn’t show, my job
was at stake. Asshole.
Steve raises his champagne glass.
STEVE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT:
17.
KISS ASS CARL

Please, God, don’t let him fire
me...I need this, I...
(anxious, loud)
I LOVE YOU, STEVE!
STEVE
Carl, I’m going to pretend you’re
drunk.
SURLY WOMAN
(whisper to friends)
Not since you made this a cash bar.
They laugh...Steve’s oblivious.
STEVE
I’D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST! TO
THE MAN WHO TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I
KNOW ABOUT THIS INDUSTRY--
Mr. Schuller, Steve’s boss, smiles sheepishly.
STEVE
And he just also happens to be a
great guy. So, let’s raise our
glasses to the smartest, richest--
Schuller, blushing, moves forward--
STEVE
Sexiest--
Schuller pauses...odd...shrugs...
STEVE
Man in this room - Newton, you know
who I’m talking about, you’ve seen
him naked - THE FUTURE OF OMNICOM,
STEVE DARLING!
Everyone raises their glasses to Steve like scared robots.
STEVE
The ball’s dropping!
Steve leads everyone to the window: the jubilation on the

streets practically seeps through the glass. Steve watches
the ball drop and his goals rise as the countdown begins...
EVERYONE
Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!
18.
With each number, Steve’s smile widens...
STEVE
Five! Four! Three...
SILENCE. Steve realizes he’s the only one counting.
STEVE
Two...Hey...
Steve slowly turns around to see:
Newton suspended mid-fall off the ladder.
Kiss Ass Carl’s popped champagne cork hovering in the air.
Hot Intern’s face frozen in a smile.
The entire room is a freeze-frame. TIME HAS STOPPED!
STEVE
NEWTON! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT
IN MY DRINK?
Steve moves to the falling Newton, touches him. He’s

petrified mid-air. Steve shakes various people--nothing.
STEVE
If this is a joke, you’re all fired!
Steve takes the opportunity to look down Hot Intern’s shirt.
STEVE
Nice. AAAAAAAND you’re fired.
(beat)
STOP IT!
Steve whips out his cell phone and dials 911. Nothing.
STEVE
WHAT’S GOING ON?!?
Steve races out the door...
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT
Steve runs outside onto the street: the BALL DROP is stuck at
FIVE. DICK CLARK is frozen solid. The ENTIRE Times Square
crowd are statues.
STEVE
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!
19.
His screams echo empty across the should-be cheering streets.
BROTHER TIME (O.S.)

Had to call a time out, Steve.
BROTHER TIME - a slightly overweight 40-year-old dressed from

head-to-toe in black - to match his hair, eyes and soul -
appears, eating a Hot Dog from a nearby frozen vendor.
STEVE
Who are you?!?
BROTHER TIME
(proud)
I’m Brother Time.
STEVE
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
(beat)
Wait. Who the hell’s Brother Time?
BROTHER TIME
Of course you don't know me.
Nobody does. Why even exist at all,
huh? That what you’re thinking?
STEVE
No, I’m actually more concerned
with why everyone in the world
seems to be frozen but us...
BROTHER TIME
(not listening)
Oh, sure, bet you’ve heard of
Father Time...
STEVE
Yeah, his logo’s on my champagne
glass.
Brother Time smashes the drink to the ground.
BROTHER TIME
Everyone’s heard of Father Time!
‘Ring in the New Year with Father
Time!’ Sorry “Mr. New Year’s
Symbol” couldn’t be here in person,
but he’s too busy drinking
Appletinis with Mother Earth.
Steve just stares.

20.
BROTHER TIME
Not that it matters, Father Time
handles what you commonly call Good
Times. You’re with me on this.
STEVE
What, “worst times ever”?
BROTHER TIME
Actually, yes. Stuck in traffic,
poorly timed jokes, your girlfriend
being ‘late’--all me.
STEVE
Bastard.
BROTHER TIME
Premature ejaculation? That’s my
doing, too.
STEVE
So why are you here? To give me
premature ejaculation? To curse me
for lasting too long while I nail
my interns?
BROTHER TIME
No offense Steve, but I don't
consider six minutes "too long."
(beat)
Plus, I know for a fact that you’ve
never banged your interns.
Steve shakes his head violently.
STEVE
This is crazy. You don’t exist.
I’m asleep and you’re an undigested
anchovy from Domino’s Pizza.
Steve slaps himself while he runs in any - and all -

directions. Rattles random people. Screams.
STEVE
HELP ME JESUS/MUHAMMAD/YAWEY/
BUDDHA/TONY ROBBINS!
(drops to knees)
I’M SORRY I DID ACID THAT ONE TIME!
I swear that if you start time
again, I will speak to kids about
the dangers of doing acid off
strippers’ naked stomachs!
21.
He squeezes his eyes closed. Opens. Everyone’s still frozen.
BROTHER TIME
You done?
Steve attempts to put his hand through Brother Time. Brother

Time bitch-slaps Steve.
BROTHER TIME
Stop touching me! I’m not a ghost!
Would you try to put your hand
through the President’s brother?
STEVE
Jeb Bush now or Jeb Bush when he’s -
finger’s crossed - president?
Steve makes a run for it. Brother Time SNAPS! his fingers.
EXT. LAND BEFORE TIME - 65 MILLION YEARS AGO
Steve’s still running--away from a Tyrannosaurus Rex ridden

by Brother Time! Brother Time SNAPS! his fingers again...
EXT. AMERICAN WEST - 150 YEARS AGO
Steve runs amongst a pack of buffalo. Native Americans,

including Brother Time in headdress, shoot arrows at him.
Brother Time gallops up beside Steve...
BROTHER TIME
We can do this all century...
Steve, exhausted from running (he’s terribly out of shape,)

collapses. This ain’t an undigested anchovy.
STEVE
Alright, alright...[deep gulp]
You’re real. Why are you here?
Brother time SNAPS! and they’re
BACK IN NEW YORK
Brother Time lights up a cigar, sits next to Steve.
BROTHER TIME
I’m here, Steve-o, because for the
past 20 years you’ve consistently
made New Year’s resolutions and
consistently not kept one.
22.
STEVE
That’s why you’re here? Listen “Not
Father Time,” I don’t know how they
do things in Premature Ejaculation
Land, but here on Earth no one ever
keeps their resolutions. Why you
busting my waxed balls?
BROTHER TIME
Why? I’ll show you why...
Brother Time SNAPS! his fingers...
INT. ANCIENT CHINA - DAY
Genghis Kahn attacks The Great Wall Of China. Steve and

Brother Time stand in the middle of the epic battle.
BROTHER TIME
Steve, everyone - throughout
history - has at least attempted to
keep a resolution by the time they
get to your age. Even Genghis
Kahn here kept his resolutions.
STEVE
But didn’t he slaughter thousands
of people?
Genghis Kahn bludgeons someone’s head.
BROTHER TIME
Millions of people--and that was
one of his resolutions. But this
isn’t a history lesson. The point
is, Steve, even Kahn kept them.
STEVE
Oh, come on, you’re saying I’m the
only person in history not to keep
his resolutions? You can’t
bullshit a bullshitter.
BROTHER TIME
Really?
Brother Time SNAPS! his fingers.

23.
INT. BETHLEHEM MANGER, B.C./C.E. - DAY
BROTHER TIME
Steve, since there started being a
New Year’s--
Jesus is born.
BROTHER TIME
You are the worst person in history
when it comes to keeping resolutions.
Check out Jesus at New Year’s #1.
Jesus turns to the Wise Men.
JESUS
I really want to be the Messiah.
STEVE
You’re comparing me to Jesus? How
about someone a little less, I
don’t know, God-like?
BROTHER TIME
Well you’re worse than Gengis Kahn,
and I’ll save you the embarrassment
of showing how you’re more pathetic
than Stalin and a dozen other
ruthless dictators.
(beat)
Steve, no matter who I pick you’re
the worst.
Brother Time SNAPS! his fingers.
INT. MONTICELLO - DAY
Thomas Jefferson sits at a desk in his Monticello stateroom.
STEVE
Let me guess. Thomas Jefferson’s
resolution was to write the
Declaration of Independence.
BROTHER TIME
No, that was a birthday wish.
Jefferson’s resolution was to sleep
with as many slaves as possible.
Jefferson’s face alights as sexy slaves walk into Monticello.

24.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
We hold these truths to be self-
evident. Now drop the pantaloons
and come to founding daddy!
BROTHER TIME
Again, resolution accomplished.
Brother Time snaps his fingers. They return back to...
EXT. TIME’S SQUARE - NEW YEAR’S EVE
Everyone is still frozen. Brother Time points to the crowd.
BROTHER TIME
All these people, Steve. Every one
of them has at least tried to
complete their resolutions. But
you’ve never so much as made a half-
hearted attempt.
STEVE
Okay...fine...so I’m the worst
person in history. Now what? You
turn me into a toad?
BROTHER TIME
Again, Steve, I’m Father Time’s
brother, not a witch.
STEVE
FATHER TIME--YOUR BROTHER’S BEING
AN ASSHOLE!
BROTHER TIME
You’re the asshole! Steve, you’ve
only made one resolution a year and
never even tried to keep it.
STEVE
Alright already, I get it. I’ll be
better in the future.
BROTHER TIME
Actually, Steve, there ain’t going
to be a future. Not for you.
Steve looks away from the frozen world--what?
BROTHER TIME
Steve, I hate to break it to you--
(beat)
(MORE)
25.
BROTHER TIME(cont'd)
No, actually, I love to break it to
you. Steve, my friend, you have to
complete every resolution you’ve
ever made or January 1st 2007 will
never come.
STEVE
Every resolution I’ve ever made? I
don’t even remember what I had for
lunch yesterday.
SNAP! QUICK INSERT--Steve and Brother Time travel to the

previous day. Steve orders a burger.
BROTHER TIME
Burger.
Steve’s convinced. Brother Time ain’t smiling, either.
STEVE
You’re serious, aren’t you?
BROTHER TIME
Steve, if you want to get to
January 1st and that promotion, you
gotta do this.
Steve looks up at a Omnicom billboard, the stopped ball.
STEVE
I’ll find a way out of this and
I’ll see to it that Father Time
punishes you severely.
BROTHER TIME
My life is already a punishment.
Brother Time removes an HOURGLASS.
BROTHER TIME
Alright, you ready?
STEVE
Oh, absolutely not.
Brother Time shrugs, SNAPS! his fingers, and...BAM!
INT. OMNICOM - DECEMBER 31, 2006 - DAY 1
Steve is suddenly at his desk. In his office. He jumps up.
STEVE
What the hell?! How did I--
26.
Steve grabs his cell phone. Looks at the date: December

31st, 2006. Sprints to the window: The ball hasn’t dropped!
STEVE
No! No! No!
Brother Time materializes--he’s wearing a Hawaiian Shirt

lounging on the desk. Sips a Pina Colada.
STEVE
It’s supposed to be January first!
I want my god-damn promotion!
BROTHER TIME
And I wanna feel up the Tooth Fairy.
Doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen.
Brother Time opens his hand, a long piece of paper - THE LIST
- magically descends into his palm.
STEVE
What’s that?
BROTHER TIME
The rules of the game, my friend.
You’ll be getting a list--
STEVE
--Yeah, let me guess. All my
resolutions are on that list, and I
have to do them all today, right?
BROTHER TIME
Wrong. You really are an ass. Now
can I finish? Or maybe you know
more about this than I do. I mean,
I’ve only been doing this since the
dawn of time!
Steve is silent, for the first time ever.
BROTHER TIME
Good. So, as I was saying, you’ll
get one resolution each day.
STEVE
There’s more than one day?
BROTHER TIME
Yep. You have to do one resolution
per day, starting with the first
resolution you made when you were 15.
(MORE)
27.
If you don’t complete each resolution
by midnight, you have to start all
over again.
STEVE
One resolution a day? Starting at
15?
(thinks)
That’s 20 resolutions! That’s 20
days?!
BROTHER TIME
And that’s assuming you don’t screw
up...which you probably will.
STEVE
Twenty days til I get my promotion?
You can’t do this to me--I’m a rich
white male!
BROTHER TIME
Sure, I can. It’s what I do.
Brother Time hands Steve The List.
Steve reads: NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION AGE 15: FRENCH KISS PENNY
PLAKOWSKI.
STEVE
French kiss Penny Plakowski?
Jesus, I was 15 when I wrote
that...
(shakes list at BT)
This is ridiculous--I’m 35. She’s
35. I don’t even know where she
lives! It’ll be like shoving my
tongue down the throat of a
stranger!
BROTHER TIME
Sounds like you’re off to a great
start. Remember, you have til
midnight. Good luck.
Brother Time disappears.
STEVE
Midnight? What are you? My
freakin’ Fairy God Mother?
28.
EXT. PENNY PLAKOWSKI’S HOUSE - NEW JERSEY - 3:00 PM
A cab pulls up to a charming townhouse in the suburbs. Steve

fumes in the backseat, smoking, frustrated.
STEVE
Okay, let’s just get this over with.
(beat)
God, this is so stupid! I should be
picking out a water-bed for my
office right now.
INT. PENNY PLAKOWSKI’S HOUSE - SOON AFTER
A festive gathering. A sign reads: “Happy Early New Year!”

People mill about, talking, laughing, eating, drinking.
Steve walks in, confused and annoyed. Wasn’t expecting this.
Steve approaches one of the guests, a SWEATERED MAN.
STEVE
Hey, what is this? It’s only 3
o’clock.
SWEATERED MAN
(overly-friendly)
You know the Van Burens! Always
celebrating New Year’s during the
day! They’re just funny like that.
STEVE
Yeah, that’s hilarious. Where’s
Penny?
SWEATERED MAN
I believe she’s on the patio.
Steve grabs a beer and starts to walk away.
SWEATERED MAN
You forgot to say “Happy New Year!”
STEVE
(under his breath)
Yeah, go fuck yourself.
EXT. PATIO - CONTINUOUS
Even more party guests gather out here. Steve sees PENNY
PLAKOWSKI (35), tall, blonde, gorgeous--she could be a model.
29.
Steve takes a swig of his beer. Takes a long suck on a

MENTHOL cigarette. Turns on the charm and approaches Penny.
STEVE
There she is! Can I get some face
time with the prettiest girl here?
Steve goes to hug and kiss Penny, but she puts her hand up to
block his approach. Denied.
PENNY
Excuse me, do I know you?
STEVE
Steve Darling!
(nothing)
From Tenafly High...
PENNY
Oh.
STEVE
(stung)
Don’t you remember me?
PENNY
Are you that freak who always got
erections around me in swim class?
STEVE
Umm...no. So listen....
(moves closer)
Don’t want to take up too much of
my time, but--
MIKE VAN BUREN - taller, richer, and more fit than Steve -
walks between them.
MIKE
Am I going to have to sue this guy
for sexual harassment?
A beat. Mike laughs.
MIKE
Just kiddin’. Name’s Mike. That’s
my lady.
PENNY
Mike’s the top attorney in all of
New Jersey, Stan.
Steve already has his business card out.

30.
STEVE
Steve. Omnicom’s Vice President of--
PENNY
Why aren’t you President?
Before Steve can answer, an ICICLE smashes into his knees...

he crumples to the ground.
STEVE
Oh Fu--
And before Steve can get out the “-uck” a 6 year-old-devil -

JIMMY VAN BUREN - pounces on him.
JIMMY
YOU’RE IT!
MIKE
Stan, I’d like you to meet the
apple of our eye, Jimmy Van Buren!
Jimmy shoves yellow snow into Steve’s mouth.
JIMMY
Whosever’s “it” eats my pee snow!
STEVE
Aww!...[spit]
JIMMY
I’M HUNGRY!
MIKE
Then it’s...Dinner time, everyone!
INT. DINNER TABLE - 4:00 PM
Steve’s at a table with Penny, Mike and their extended

family. He looks like he wants to stab himself in the eye as
Jimmy, sitting beside him, blows bubbles in Steve’s drink.
SWEATERED MAN
Isn’t Jimmy creative?
Jimmy picks his nose.
STEVE
He’s freakin’ Leonardo Da Vinci.
Mike moves past Steve on his way to the kitchen...

31.
MIKE
Stan, ask you a favor? Could you
please not say F-R-E-A-K in front
of the kid? Thanks, dude.
STEVE
Yeah, fine, “dude.”
(looks at the clock)
So Penny, really, just one minute.
JIMMY
Leave mommy alone! She never gets
up on New Year’s, don’t you know
anything, Stupid Man?
Steve smiles so hard it hurts.
PENNY
That’s right, angel. You may be
eager to catch up, Shane, but it’s
traditional during New Year’s for
me to stay seated while everyone
serves me.
Mike brings out a ham, puts it on the table.
MIKE
You’re worth it, dear.
SWEATERED MAN
Hilarious! Isn’t Mike hilarious?!
Mike carefully serves Penny ham. She, in turn, passes some

to Jimmy. As she leans over, Steve attempts to clandestinely
move in for the kiss.
JIMMY
Stupid Man!
Jimmy SMACKS Steve in the face. His kissing attempt foiled.
STEVE
MOTHER FU..-R-E...
(clenches fist)
Look, Penny, I’m on a time crunch--
JIMMY
I’M TIRED!
PENNY
So am I. Especially of certain
guests.
32.
MIKE
Penny and Jimmy are tired--you know
what that means, everyone! TIME TO
RING IN THE NEW YEAR!!
Sweatered Man forces a plastic hat on Steve.
STEVE
It’s eight hours til midnight...
MIKE
Alright, here we go!
In Jimmy’s excitement, he KNOCKS HOT GRAVY all over Steve.
STEVE
(jumps up)
This is a thousand dollar suit!
ALL
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind...
No one cares--Steve, pissed, sits back down. Jimmy blows his

noisemaker in Steve’s ear repeatedly.
ALL
Should auld acquaintance be forgot--
Wanting attention, Jimmy grabs Steve’s cell phone. Steve

looks at him--don’t you fucking dare. Jimmy smiles and
CHUCKS it across the room, SHATTERING it against the wall.
That does it. Steve bounds up, marches over to Penny, grabs
her and plunges his tongue down her throat.
Jimmy starts to cry.
STEVE
Aww, what’s wrong? You don’t like
the fact that your mother’s a sex
object? Guess what junior? I spent
all of sophomore AND freshman year
jerking off to mommy. And I’m not
the only one. SO DEAL WITH IT.
THERE IS NO STORK! PEOPLE BONE!
Dead silence. Steve slams a $50 bill on the table.
STEVE
This should cover junior’s therapy
bill.
33.
Marches out of the house. The door SLAMS!
INT. BEDROOM - DECEMBER 31, 2006 - DAY 2
Darkness.
A cell phone lights up.
It goes off with the ring tone “Loser” (Beck).
Steve’s fast asleep. The sound jolts him awake. He sees the
cell and immediately kisses his not-shattered phone.
STEVE
Yes...it was all a dream.
Steve looks around the bedroom, confused.
STEVE
Except that I have no idea whose
bedroom this is...
He turns. THERE’S A COVERED UP PERSON SLEEPING IN THE BED!
STEVE
Or who’s in bed next to me.
(thinks)
Guess that’s not so unusual.
Steve tiptoes around the bedroom, looking for clues. Picks

up a FRAMED WEDDING PICTURE. It’s PENNY PLAKOWSKI in a
wedding dress with a young tuxedo’d STEVE!
STEVE
Ahhh!
Freaked out, Steve bolts into the attached bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steve locks the door, breathes heavily. Looks in the mirror.
BROTHER TIME (O.S.)

Do you mind?
Steve turns around to see Brother Time sitting on the toilet.
BROTHER TIME
How ‘bout a little privacy?
34.
STEVE
That’s lovely. I didn’t realize
ghosts take shits.
BROTHER TIME
For the last time, I’m not a ghost.
And for your information, ghosts do
take shits. You know when you
smell a fart and no one takes
credit? Ghost.
STEVE
I’m not interested in the bowel
movements of apparitions! What the
hell am I doing in Penny’s house?
And why am I in her wedding picture?
BROTHER TIME
That’s easy. This is your house.
And Penny Plakowski is your wife.
STEVE
No...Shannon is my wife, or was,
until she divorced me today.
Brother Time flushes the toilet. Lights a match.
BROTHER TIME
Steve, I forgot to tell you the
best part of this whole deal. And
when I say “forgot” I mean
“purposely omitted” in order to
amuse myself.
(sprays Lysol)
Every time you do a resolution now,
as a thirty-five year old, it will
be as if you had completed that
resolution at the age you made it.
(flushes again)
Hence, when you tongued Penny, it’s
as if you actually kissed her when
you were fifteen.
STEVE
But I didn’t kiss her when I was
fifteen.
Brother Time grabs a plunger.
BROTHER TIME
No, because you were too much of a
wuss back then.
(plunges)
(MORE)
35.
The point is, now you’re going to
see what your life could have been
like had you actually completed
your New Years’ resolutions.
STEVE
This doesn’t make sense.
Steve sits on the bath tub contemplating.
BROTHER TIME
Sure it does. You “Frenched” Penny
at fifteen. For some reason she
was into it and you moved from
being her friend to being her
boyfriend. You dated all through
high school and eventually married.
STEVE
But what about Shannon?
BROTHER TIME
You never met Shannon. You were
married to Penny.
STEVE
So my whole life is completely
changed just by doing one
resolution?
BROTHER TIME
Exactly. Every time you complete a
resolution, it’ll reverberate
through your life. Your life is
the result of the decisions you
make, or in your case, didn’t make.
Steve takes this in. Stands up. Thinks. Drifts across the
bathroom to the glass-enclosed shower. Walks in. A beat.
Steve exits holding up Penny’s sexy lingerie. Grin.
STEVE
Guess what? Joke’s on you!
Because Penny is hot! This is
exactly the type of wife I always
saw myself with!
(bragging)
See, it’s like my mantra: “One
man’s failure is another man’s
opportunity.”
BROTHER TIME
Whatever keeps you going, man.
36.
STEVE
Look, if you’re trying to mess with
me, you’ll have to do better than
give me a hot model wife who I’ve
had a crush on since high school.
BROTHER TIME
I’m not trying to do anything. You
asked her out, you’re in control
now.
STEVE
Fuckin’ A. I am in control.
BANG! BANG!
PENNY (O.S.)
STEVE, GET YOUR ASS OUTTA THERE!
YOU’VE OVERUSED YOUR BATHROOM TIME!
STEVE
Just a second, honey.
PENNY (O.S.)
DON’T YOU EVER TALK BACK TO ME!
THAT’S IT, YOU’RE SLEEPING IN THE
GARAGE TONIGHT!
STEVE
What? The garage?
Steve opens the door for Penny--she looks hot but mean.
STEVE
Penny, baby. We need to talk.
See, Steve doesn’t allow people to
treat him like this.
Penny gives him a “no you didn’t” stare.
EXT. STEVE AND PENNY’S HOUSE - DAY
Penny, furious, throws lawn furniture at Steve’s Honda CIVIC,

as he peels out as fast as he can, leaving Penny her LEXUS.
He peels back in...
STEVE
How do I get to work from here?
SMACK! An ALARM CLOCK hits him in the head.

37.
INT. OMNICOM - SOON AFTER
Shell-shocked, Steve ambles through the halls at work. He

moves towards his office, opens the door.
KISS ASS CARL (from page 14) sits in his chair.
KISS ASS CARL

Steve, what do you want?
STEVE
Is this a joke? Get out of my
office!
KISS ASS CARL

(laughing it up)
Your office?! Yeah, right! In
what universe? Oh snap! Oh snap!
Carl starts an “Oh Snap” dance as Steve exits confused.
INT. OMNICOM - BULLPEN - SOON AFTER
Steve roams the halls, bewildered, searching for his office.
HOT INTERN
Are you Steve?
Steve grins--I’ve still got it.
STEVE
(suave)
That's what it says on my
underwear.
HOT INTERN
Your name’s on your underwear?
Steve searches for a cool response. Nothing.
HOT INTERN
Whatever. Are you ready for the
Promotion Party Tonight?
STEVE
(smiles)
Why, we going together?
HOT INTERN
Gross! You’re an old man!
(beat)
(MORE)
38.
HOT INTERN(cont'd)
Besides, I’m going with him.
(points to Schuller)
What I meant was, I need you to
make those New Year’s Hats.
STEVE
I don’t make “hats”, I make cash.
(disgusted)
I’ll be in my office.
INT. STEVE’S OFFICE - SOON AFTER
It’s a tiny cubicle! Scrunched in, Steve barely fits. He

woefully reads his title: “Director of Operations”.
STEVE
Director of Operations? What does
that even mean?
Newton shows up.
STEVE
Newton, thank god you’re here! You
still my assistant?
NEWTON
Why wouldn’t I be?
STEVE
Yeah, I mean it’s not like you
suddenly grew a pair, right? Now,
get me a pack of menthols!
Newton gives Steve a confused look.
NEWTON
I...I can’t.
STEVE
What?
NEWTON
I have to assist everyone here.
Sorry, I just don’t have the time.
Newton walks away. Steve’s mouth is agape. Brother Time

appears in golfing attire.
STEVE
I can’t believe this! I’m whipped
at home. I’m whipped at work...
39.
HOT INTERN (O.S.)

STEVE! THE HATS!
Steve begrudgingly starts folding party hats.
STEVE
...Nobody respects me.
BROTHER TIME
Now you know how I feel.
Especially when Father Time told
Santa Clause I was impotent.
STEVE
Awgh!
BROTHER TIME
What? It’s not true.
Brother Time pulls The List from his golf bag.
BROTHER TIME
Here’s today’s resolution.
Brother Time lines up a putt. Steve looks at The List. The

Penny resolution is crossed off. The next one appears:
RESOLUTION AGE 16: STAND UP TO THE SCHOOL BULLY.
STEVE
Stand up to the school bully.
(thinks hard)
OK. Who bullied me when I was
sixteen...sixteen...sixteen.
(dawns on him)
Oh...shit.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - 9:00 PM
Huge crowd! A wrestling ring in the center of the arena.
WRESTLING ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

...welcome to Pay-Per-View’s New
Year’s Eve Wrestlemania Extravaganza!
Let’s put the pedal to the metal for
Stone Cold Steve Austin!
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN jumps in the ring! Struts around,

cocky, as the audience goes nuts: Cheers! Screams! Whistles!
Steve enters the arena. His terrified eyes say it all.

40.
STEVE
Why did my high school bully have
to become a WWE wrestler?
Steve gulps. Eyes the ring. Stone Cold flexes, then jumps
out of the ring, furious.

Ladies and Gentlemen! Stone Cold
cannot be contained! The animal
intensity spewing out of him right
now must be incredible! He’s...
he’s coming this way?
Stone Cold approaches the Wrestling Announcer, throws his

hand over the mic so only the two of them (and us) can hear:
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN

“Pedal to the metal?” Where are
we, NASCAR? And last week’s “Put
the Glade Air Freshener into the
outlet!”? Come up with better
intros or I’ll drag your sorry ass
into this ring...
Stone Cold pushes him and steps back into the ring to cheers.

Ahem...And now, about to enter the--
STEVE (O.S.)
Hey asshole!
Steve charges towards the ring--

FANS! It looks like someone from
the crowd is piss drunk!
Slithering past security, Steve jumps into the ring!

Security rushes in, but Stone Cold gives them a “wait” sign.

What the hell’s your problem?
STEVE
Hold on. Got a call coming in.
(puts cell to ear)
Hello?
(to Stone Cold)
Your mom says hi. Sweet woman.
The Crowd “ooooos!”

41.

Do you want your spine crushed?
STEVE
Please. If you lay a hand on me,
I’ll slap you with so many
lawsuits, you’ll spend more time in
court than Michael Jackson.

Hey-o!
STEVE
Now apologize for bullying me in
high school!

I don’t even remember you!
STEVE
Steve Darling! You pushed me
around, Austin! You stole my
shoes! You sprained my elbows!
You wrote “balls” on my forehead!
Sound familiar?

Yeah, he did that to me, too!
STEVE
Austin, I should have done this
twenty years ago!
Steve bunches up his fist, pulls it back (the crowd gasps)

and...SHOVES HIS MIDDLE FINGER IN STONE COLD’S FACE!
STEVE
Oh, you like that?
A middle finger? That’s it? The CROWD BOOS! Steve.
THE BELL GONGS! Steve grins, moves to leave the ring.
STEVE
(to Wrestling Announcer)
What a release! I held that anger
in for so long. Maybe doing these
resolutions really are helping--
YANK! Steve’s tossed back into the ring by Stone Cold.

42.

WOAH! Stone Cold is retaliating
after being flipped the bird!
The audience cheers!
STEVE
(holds up cell phone)
Stay back! I’ll sue you!

It’ll be worth it. Besides, I’m
rich.
Steve panics. Backs up on the ropes.
STEVE
Help!!!
The audience sees Steve’s desperation...and cheers louder!
AUDIENCE
Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!
Stone Cold grabs Steve by the legs. Steve holds on to the

ropes for dear life. The audience is loving it.
STEVE
(to Wrestling Announcer)
Do something!
Wrestling Announcer summons up his courage. Then:
WRESTLING ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, Stone Cold
just informed me that he hates
Black people!
The crowd BOOS! Stone Cold turns to the Announcer.

What the hell, Lenny!?
WRESTLING ANNOUNCER/LENNY
You always criticize my announcing--
and you never sent a Christmas Card!
While Stone Cold is turned to Lenny, Steve takes the

opportunity to climb onto the ropes and...
...SHOOTS himself onto Stone Cold, knocking both to the

floor! Stone Cold momentarily dazed/shocked, Steve reaches
into his pocket and takes out...a Sharpee!
43.
WRESTLING ANNOUNCER/LENNY
YES! With fury that’s been
festering since high school, Steve
Darling is like a great geyser
erupting with adrenalined revenge!
(beat)
Oh, that’s good.
Steve writes BALLS on Stone Cold’s forehead in big, block

letters. Then signs his name.
Steve laps the ring, holding up the Sharpee victorious. He

doesn’t notice Stone Cold get up--or that he’s fuming. The
audience gasps!
SMACK! A chair smashes over Steve--he drops with a THUD!
INT. BEDROOM - DECEMBER 31, 2006 - DAY 3
Darkness.
It goes off with the ”Rocky Theme”.
Steve jolts up and immediately grabs his face and body.
STEVE
I’m alive.
Steve looks around. He’s alone. And it’s the same bedroom
he woke up in yesterday with Penny!
Steve grabs the framed picture of him and Penny.
STEVE
Nothing’s changed.
(angry)
That’s bullshit! I completed my New
Year’s resolution on time!
PENNY (O.S.)
Steve! Is that you?
Steve dives under the covers in fear.
STEVE
Yes, honey. Sorry in advance for
anything I’m about to say or do.
Please don’t throw anything at me.
Penny enters in sexy underwear, holding a full tray of food.

44.
PENNY
Now why would I ever throw anything
at you? Other than my panties...
(giggles)
Happy New Year’s Eve! I brought
you breakfast in bed.
Steve blinks in disbelief.
STEVE
So you’re not going to yell?
PENNY
Of course not, baby.
Steve digs into his food: Eggs, Belgian Waffles, Pancakes.
STEVE
Mmmm, this is amazing!
PENNY
Spent all morning making it.
Steve continues to devour his breakfast.
PENNY (O.S.)
(sensual)
Now...how about dessert?
Steve looks up. Penny is now nude.
STEVE
Great! You got any blueberry pie?
A beat. Penny cocks her head, confused.
STEVE
Ohhh...you mean sex?
(looks at watch)
Yeah, I think I can squeeze you in.
Penny turns around.
PENNY
And I know I can squeeze you in.
INT. OMNICOM OFFICE - DAY
Steve has a huge grin plastered on his face. He’s sprawled

out in a comfy office--feet on the desk, smoking a cigarette.
Steve’s door--Junior Vice President, East Coast Operations.
He’s almost back.
45.
Brother Time materializes in a toga.
BROTHER TIME
When I get bored, I check out Rome.
It’s like my yoga.
Steve hops up--he’s pumped.
STEVE
For once, I’m glad to see your ugly
mug! So I think I’m getting
this...I stood up to Stone Cold
yesterday and it’s like I stood up
to him in high school, didn’t take
shit from anyone after that, so,
now Penny respects me and lets
me...you know. That about right?
BROTHER TIME
Not exactly. See, you got a little
carried away in high school and
beat Stone Cold to death. Spent
most of your life in jail, but
Penny became one of those women who
love prisoners--you know, the kind
who write proposal letters to
Manson? She wrote you, and the
rest, as they say, is a Lifetime
movie.
(off Steve’s shocked face)
Nah, I’m just kidding. Or am I?
No, I am.
STEVE
Just give me the next resolution.
Brother Time removes The List from his toga. The first two
resolutions are crossed off. The next one appears:
RESOLUTION AGE 17: APPLY TO HARVARD.
STEVE
Apply to Harvard?
(beat)
I’ll be more rich and successful
than before you even showed up! To
hell with being President! With
that diploma I’ll be the CEO of all
of Omnicom! And that means twice
as many interns to bang!
BROTHER TIME
We’ve already established that I
know you don’t screw your interns.
(MORE)
46.
There’s nobody else here! Who are
you trying to impress, the walls?
Steve looks away. Brother Time vanishes. MR. SCHULLER

enters, holding the stock page of the newspaper.
MR. SCHULLER
Steve. Did you see the market
today? IBM went down again.
Steve smiles. Light bulb! Picks up his cell phone.
STEVE
Hello? I’d like to buy stock in
bottled water, Apple Computers, and
Girls Gone Wild.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - SUNSET
The red sun illuminates the snow. Steve sprints up to a blue

mailbox with a thick manila envelope addressed to Harvard.
STEVE
(kisses the application)
Hello house in the Hamptons!
Steve drops it in the mail. BAM!
EXT. DRAINAGE DITCH NEAR OMNICOM - DECEMBER 31, 2006 - DAY 4
Steve finds himself lying in a puddle of sewer water.

Bearded and dressed in filthy rags, he sees his reflection in
a cab window: HE’S A BUM!
Starving, Steve careens into a group of pigeons. Fights them

off for bread crumbs on the street. As he kneels to pick one
up, a HARVARD DIPLOMA falls out of his rumpled coat.
He stares at it, bewildered. Then he stares at his Beggar

Cup. A limo pulls up and Brother Time hops out, all smiles.
BROTHER TIME
Sorry, I don’t give money to
beggars. They just use it to buy
drugs, porn, or Christian Rock.
STEVE
(clutching the diploma)
This is impossible. I went to
Harvard...
47.
BROTHER TIME
Yeah, but your major in “Existential
Philosophy” didn’t get you very far.
A Janitor drops change in Steve’s beggar cup.
STEVE
But...the stocks. I bought stocks!
BROTHER TIME
What are you, some kind of idiot?
You think if you take a piss today,
it’s as if you took a piss when you
were seventeen?
STEVE
I thought that’s how it works!
BROTHER TIME
No! It only applies to your
resolutions. You complete a
resolution now, it’s as if you
completed it at the age you made
it. That’s as far as it goes. So
the whole “buying stock thing,”
doesn’t amount to shit. You got
that idea from Back to the Future
2, didn’t you?
STEVE
(looks away)
Maybe.
BROTHER TIME
Pathetic.
A Guy in a wheelchair drops change in Steve’s beggar cup.
STEVE
What about my hot wife?
BROTHER TIME
Ask her yourself.
Penny and Mike (her original husband) stroll by.
STEVE
Penny! It’s me, Steve!
PENNY
Get away from me!
Jimmy runs up and kicks Steve in the groin.

48.
JIMMY
Stupid Bum!
Steve crumples to the ground in pain.
MIKE
Good kick, Jimmy!
(to Penny)
I think we’ve got a future NFL Star
on our hands!
Penny, Mike, and Jimmy move past Steve as if he’s diseased.
STEVE
But...we were married...
BROTHER TIME
Actually, you weren’t. She dumped
your ass shortly after college when
she realized you weren’t going to
make any money.
STEVE
But my life was gonna be perfect...
BROTHER TIME
Hello? All Penny cared about was
money. She was never right for
you.
STEVE
Who cares if she was wrong, she had
the right body!
Brother Time shakes his head. Steve notices happy couples.
STEVE
You know what? You’re right. I’ll
just find Shannon. She’ll take
care of me. She’s a doctor, she’s
good at fixing things.
BROTHER TIME
You could find Shannon and marry
her twenty times today, you’ll
still be a single bum tomorrow.
(beat)
How many times do I have to explain
this to you? You can’t change
anything unless it’s part of your
resolution.
49.
STEVE
This is hell. I’m living in hell!
Are you the devil?
BROTHER TIME
I wish. You should see that guy’s
ride.
Steve checks his pockets.
STEVE
Oh god. I don’t have a cell phone.
(flipping out)
I DON’T HAVE A CELL PHONE!!!
BROTHER TIME
What is it with you and your cell
phone? Is it a sexual thing?
Brother Time gives him The List. Rubs Purell on his hands.
BROTHER TIME
Oh, and clean up after yourself.
You’re dirtier than The Sandman.
And that bastard’s made of dirt!
Steve reads The List. The first three resolutions are crossed
off. The next one appears: RESOLUTION AGE 18: FORM A DEF
LEOPARD TRIBUTE BAND WITH ZEKI FOR THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS.
STEVE
Form a Def Leopard Tribute Band? I
made this in 1989! When Def
Leopard was actually popular.
BROTHER TIME
Steve, their star was fading by ‘86.
And I still don’t get why you choose
to blame me for the resolutions you
made, and you never kept.
STEVE
Look, this is completely out of
context. I mean “Battle of
Bands”? It’s just not possible.
BROTHER TIME
Your problem, Steve, not mine.
(checks his watch)
Better hurry. It’d be a shame if
you had to go back to Resolution 1.
Brother Time disappears. Steve runs off, determined.

50.
EXT. AUREOLE RESTAURANT - LATER
Steve, still in rags, approaches Aureole (the fancy

restaurant from page 6). He’s stopped by a MACHO MAITRE D.
MACHO MAITRE D
You can’t come in here.
STEVE
Okay, I know I look like some kind
of filthy bum. But I used to eat
here every day. As a matter a
fact, I had my own table.
MACHO MAITRE D
Sure you did. And I bet you used
to be the president of a Fortune
500 Company.
STEVE
Vice President. Now, I just need
to talk to one of the waiters.
MACHO MAITRE D
Why don’t you stick to talking to
the voices in your head. You take
one step inside, I call the police.
Macho Maitre D slams the door in Steve’s face.
STEVE
Oh yeah!? Well, I’m never eating
here again! And by the way, the
Lobster is too dry!
Steve, broken, sinks down in front of the building.
VOICE (O.S.)
Need some change?
Steve looks up--IT’S ZEKI (his waiter “friend”.)
STEVE
Zeki!?
ZEKI
How’d you know my name?
STEVE
It’s me, Steve Darling! We used to
be best friends.
51.
ZEKI
Oh god...you’re right. What the
hell happened to you?
STEVE
The bum thing? Well, I hit a snag.
Went to Harvard though.
(brags)
How about that?
ZEKI
Yeah, I can see that worked out
well for you.
STEVE
Look, Zeki, this may sound strange,
but I really need your help.
ZEKI
Like a couple bucks?
STEVE
No.
(beat)
We need to get the band back
together!
Zeki looks as Steve as if he’s insane.
ZEKI
Uh, I should really go. There’s a
detox clinic down the street...
Zeki turns to leave.
STEVE
Oh come on! You’re gonna leave
your best friend hanging?!
Zeki turns back to Steve.
ZEKI
Leave you hanging? Steve, I don’t
know if you remember, but you
completely ditched me after high
school.
STEVE
I realize that, Zeki. But it was
nothing personal. I just had to
focus on “me.” After all, I had a
bright future to look forward to.
52.
Zeki looks at Steve, in rags. Steve looks at Steve in rags.
ZEKI
We were best friends and you
totally dropped me from your life.
STEVE
Which is exactly why we have to get
the Def Leopard Tribute band back
together and perform to an
auditorium full of high schoolers!
ZEKI
What?
STEVE
Don’t you see? It’s the only way
to right the wrongs of the past.
ZEKI
(bitter)
Oh yeah. Battle Of The Bands. As
I remember it, you left me and Max
backstage and they wouldn’t let us
go on without you. It was the
biggest disappointment of my life.
I was so depressed I even blew off
my engineering final, the one class
I wasn’t failing.
STEVE
Look. You have some regrets. I
understand. I wish things turned
out differently for me, too. But
they can. There’s still time!
ZEKI
I don’t know...
STEVE
Zeki, I promise it’ll be just like
old times--except I’ll be there.
Zeki pauses. Stares at Steve’s homeless, grinning face.
ZEKI
You know, you really should have
gone into sales.
STEVE
Does that mean you’ll do it?
53.
ZEKI
I’ll make you a deal: If Max agrees
to go along with it, I’m in.
STEVE
Who’s Max?
ZEKI
The third member of our Def Leopard
Tribute Band. Back in high school.
Steve rubs his face, concerned. Another obstacle in his way.
STEVE
(worried)
Sure...
EXT. MAX’S HOUSE - DAY
Steve, now cleaned up, approaches the front door with Zeki.
They knock. The door opens. Steve and Zeki’s mouths drop.
STEVE/ZEKI
Max?!
MAX (35), IS DRESSED IN FULL DEF LEOPARD GETUP!
MAX
Yes! We’re back!
Steve smiles as Def Leopard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” rises.
EXT. TENAFLY HIGH SCHOOL - 9:30 PM
Sign in front reads: New Year’s Battle of the Bands--Tonight!
INT. BACKSTAGE - TENAFLY HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - EVENING
Steve, Zeki, and Max are in tight Def Leopard outfits. Steve
and Zeki hold guitars, while Max fiddles with drumsticks.
MAX
Awesome! I’ve been waiting for
this day my whole life!
STEVE
Way to obsess, Max.
ZEKI
Steve, this was your idea.
54.
STEVE
Let’s just try to stay focused
here. We’re up next.
Zeki scans the “Battle of the Bands” program.
ZEKI
No, “The Yoni Finkel Experience” is
up next. We’re not even on here.
STEVE
Don’t you worry about Yoni Finkel.
I took care of him.
EXT. TENAFLY HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - SAME TIME
Empty beer bottles strewn about. YONI FINKEL and his FOUR
SCRAWNY BANDMATES are rip roaring drunk.
YONI FINKEL
I can’t believe that old guy bought
us beer!
BANDMATE #1
This so beats being in a band!
The bandmates cheer in agreement. Then...
YONI FINKEL
Guys? Maybe forming a Klezmer band
wasn’t the best way to get girls.
Everyone ponders this. Yoni Finkel pukes.
BACK TO SCENE
ZEKI
That’s why you needed to borrow
twenty bucks? I thought you were
using it to buy food!
STEVE
Beer’s a food. Relax, I’ll pay you
back tomorrow.
ZEKI
I’m starting to remember what our
friendship was like.
STEVE
Me too. Pretty fun, wasn’t it?
55.
Steve smiles. Peeks his head through the curtain to see:
Onstage a HIGH SCHOOL BAND covers COLDPLAY’s “Speed Of

Sound”. The auditorium’s packed FULL of SCREAMING,
CHEERING, TEENS! THEY LOVE IT!
The band finishes, waves to the crowd, exits the stage.
STEVE
It’s showtime!
Max looks thrilled, Zeki skeptical.
INT. TENAFLY AUDITORIUM - MOMENTS LATER
The stage is dark. The audience waits in anticipated

silence. Lights up! The crowd murmurs in disgust when they
see: Three “Old” Guys onstage in weird outfits.
STEVE
(a la Kiss)
You kids ready to rock?!
Crickets.
STEVE
Alright...so we’re gonna play some
Def Leopard!
SOME KID
What the hell is Def Leopard?
Max jumps up from his drums, defensive.
MAX
Only the GREATEST band ever!
STEVE
Easy, Max--save it for the skins.
Max retreats. They start to play...
Max bangs the drums. Steve and Zeki strum their guitars.
STEVE
Step inside, walk this way,
You and me babe, hey, hey!
And they’re actually...pretty good! Who knew?
The kids, however, wonder what the hell they’re witnessing.

56.
But Steve and Zeki really get into it...they command the
stage like rock stars! Max hits the beats as if he’s
practiced every day--which he has. They’re awesome!
Zeki slides across the stage on his knees! Steve goes into a
guitar riff! Max throws his sweaty shirt into the crowd!
They hit the final note...strike a pose...and.......
SILENCE.
The kids just stare straight ahead.
Zeki and Steve look disappointed. THEN...
APPLAUSE! CHEERING! HOOTING! HOWLING! The kids love it!

Max stage-dives into the crowd! THUD! Nobody catches him.
MAX
(muffled)
I’m okay!
The M.C., BOBBY, enters with a trophy. Zeki’s eyes light up.
BOBBY
The winner of The New Year’s Eve
Battle Of The Bands--YONI FINKEL!
CROWD
Finkel! Finkel! Finkel!
EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME TIME
Yoni and his band are passed out. Yoni picks up his head.
YONI FINKEL
I think I hear the whole school
chanting my name...
SCRAWNY BANDMATE #1
You really are wasted.
BACK TO SCENE
The crowd gives the guys a standing ovation as Zeki hugs

Steve. Max jumps for joy. Steve smiles. They did it!
EXT. TENAFLY HIGH SCHOOL - LATER
As the kids file out, Zeki and Steve admire their trophy.
57.
ZEKI
You really came through.
STEVE
Ah, it was nothing. You’d be
surprised how easy it is to get a
high school Klezmer band drunk.
ZEKI
I’m serious. This is the first
time I haven’t felt like a complete
loser. And oddly enough, it’s
because of you.
STEVE
You’re not a loser.
ZEKI
I’m a thirty five year old waiter.
STEVE
Could be worse.
Steve points to Max, who’s still in costume signing

autographs for high school kids. Zeki laughs.
STEVE
Hey, let’s grab a New Year’s Eve
beer tonight.
ZEKI
Really?
STEVE
Sure. But, I have to leave right
before midnight. So don’t think
I’m ditching you again.
ZEKI
Leave before midnight on New
Year’s? What, are you going to
turn into a pumpkin?
STEVE
Something like that.
Steve starts to lose focus as he notices a MOTHER picking up

her DAUGHTER from the event.
QUICK FLASHES IN STEVE’S MIND: SHANNON, his wife, and

MADELINE his daughter. Both smiling.
Steve’s face falls as he remembers his family...

58.
ZEKI
Steve, you ready to hit the bar?
STEVE
Huh?
(snaps back)
Yeah...let’s get drunk!
Steve puts his arm around Zeki...as they walk away, Steve
looks back at the mom and daughter wistfully.
SCHOOL SECURITY GUARDS escort Yoni Finkel and his band off
the premises.
SCHOOL SECURITY GUARD

Underage drinking! On New Year’s!?
Is NOTHING sacred?!?
YONI FINKEL
(still drunk)
Let my people go!
INT. TOWNHOUSE - DECEMBER 31, 2006 - DAY 5
Darkness.
It goes off with ”Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
Steve sleeps, a smile on his face. He starts to stir, half-

asleep. REVEAL: STEVE’S CUDDLING SOMEONE IN THE BED...
STEVE
Shannon...take Mad to school...
Steve lazily opens his eyes to see ZEKI--IN BED WITH HIM!
He vaults up!
STEVE
Zeki?! Oh god! Are we...please say
we’re not...I mean...we don’t...
(makes sexual gestures)
...do we?
Zeki slowly sits up, sleepy and confused.
ZEKI
Steve, relax. Did you have a bad
dream or something?
59.
STEVE
I’m having one right now!! Why are
we sleeping together?!
ZEKI
For the record, I offered you the
couch last night. But you said it
was bad for your back.
STEVE
So then we’re not...?
ZEKI
Steve, simply sleeping next to
another man doesn’t make you gay.
STEVE
It doesn’t help, either.
ZEKI
When will they be done fumigating
your place, again? I know you’re
my friend, but you’re a terrible
house guest.
STEVE
My place?
(excited)
I have a place!? I’m not homeless?
Or gay?
Zeki gets up.
ZEKI
Are you drunk or something?
Zeki puts on a work-shirt labeled: CON EDISON, ZEKI.
STEVE
Con Ed?
ZEKI
Yeah, I know. Gotta work on New
Year’s. The life of an electrical
engineer--it’s no picnic.
STEVE
Electrical Engineer!? That’s
great! You’re not a waiter!
ZEKI
What the hell’s gotten into you
this morning?
60.
Steve shrugs, with a half-smile. Zeki goes to the bathroom.
Steve searches the room for his pants. Finds them. Takes
out his wallet. Looks at his business card:
Steve Darling, Manager, East Coast Operations, Omnicom.
STEVE
I have a job...
Steve inspects Zeki’s room for clues about his “new” life.
Opens a cabinet to find photo albums. Thumbs through them...
Photo: Young Steve, Young Zeki, Young Max holding the Battle
of the Bands Trophy. Steve smiles. Continues to flip.
Photo: Steve grips a Harvard Diploma. Zeki’s arm around him.
Photo: Steve, in stubble and ratty clothes, living in his car.
ZEKI (O.S.)
Not your best look.
Zeki peers over Steve’s shoulder.
STEVE
Yeah...
ZEKI
That was a rough time for you, bud:
Unemployed after Harvard. Penny
dumping you. You pretty much
called it quits.
STEVE
I can’t believe I finally got
myself out of that funk.
ZEKI
You got yourself out? I was the
one who dragged you out of your car
and made you take the GRE so you
could apply to business school.
Steve looks up at Zeki with gratitude in his smile. It all

makes sense now. Gives Zeki a big hug.
STEVE
Thanks, Zeki.
ZEKI
Okay...now this is definitely gay.
61.
The two friends laugh. UPBEAT MUSIC RISES as we cut to...
MONTAGE - STEVE DOING RESOLUTIONS...
RESOLUTION AGE 19: BE NICE TO MOM
-Steve brings his MOM a bottle of New Year’s champagne at the

nursing home. She punches him in the stomach.
RESOLUTION AGE 21: VOLUNTEER AT SOUP KITCHEN
-Steve spoons soup into a BAG LADY’s bowl. She punches him
in the stomach.
RESOLUTION AGE 24 : GET RID OF YOUR PORN
-Steve weeps while tossing porn mags into the trash. Zeki
comforts him. A GARBAGE MAN punches Steve in the stomach.
Steve collapses into his chair. Checks The List - 10 are

crossed off. Examines his office: Harvard Diploma, Battle Of
the Bands picture, Mother’s Day at the Nursing Home photo.
BING! Steve’s got mail.
From: fathertimesabastard@aol.com
Subject : Your New Year’s Resolution
Steve clicks on the E-mail.
STEVE
OH GOD!
On screen: Brother Time naked with an alarm clock covering

his genitals. BT materializes in the same pose.
BROTHER TIME
I’m thinking of joining Great
Expectations and they need a photo.
Would you respond to that?
STEVE
Yes. With a restraining order.
BROTHER TIME
Speaking of finding love...
62.
Brother Time hands Steve The List:
RESOLUTION, AGE 25: TAKE SHANNON ON THE PERFECT DATE.
Steve rises, smiles, leans against the window.
STEVE
BT, not even your hairy ass could
bring me down today. Because I’m
finally gonna get my wife back.
BROTHER TIME
(clicks around internet)
What about the fact that Shannon
doesn’t know you in this life?
That bring you down? Or how about
that you have no idea what
constitutes a perfect date, yet
only have 14 hours to do it?
Brother Time looks up to see Steve’s disheartened face.
BROTHER TIME
“Nothing can bring me down.”
Pff! You went down faster than
Mrs. Claus on Christmas Day.
STEVE
You’re right...
BROTHER TIME
Yeah, she’s a skank.
STEVE
Do they not make Ritalin for
Holiday Icons? Let’s focus here.
Is it a perfect date for me,
because I’m easy: McDonalds, watch
the Jets, maybe some Ben & Jerry’s--
BROTHER TIME
--For her. And since you’ve never
had a perfect date in your 35 years
of dating, I doubt you’ll do it
now. All I know...
(clicks on Great
Expectations)
Is that if Shannon isn’t convinced
she’s had the perfect date by
midnight, we’re back to Resolution
Numero Uno. On the upside, I’m
looking forward to seeing Penny
beat the shit out of you again.
63.
STEVE
How can I possibly take her on the
perfect date? I couldn't even pull
that off when we were married. And
now I'm a complete stranger to her.
BROTHER TIME
(cryptic)
But she’s not a complete stranger
to you...
STEVE
Why’d you say it like that?
BROTHER TIME
(busted)
What? Like what?
STEVE
Cryptic-like. Are you...are you
actually trying to help me?
Brother Time looks away. An awkward pause. He disappears.
EXT. MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER - 12:30 PM
Ambulances pass as Steve anxiously treads under the DOCTOR’S

ENTRANCE to Mount Sinai Medical Center in downtown New York.
A TAXI idles behind him, its door wide open.
CABBIE
Hey! How much longer I gottsa wait?
Steve glares at the cabbie, puts his finger to his lip--shh.
Steve continues watching various scrubs coming back from

lunch...suddenly, everyone moves very fast, as if in an old
timey movie. Steve turns to the cabbie...
STEVE
Did you see that?
Cabbie checks the contents of his picked nose.
STEVE
...And wish I hadn’t seen that.
Steve shakes it off and continues his stakeout...there she

is! Steve beams - so happy to see her - as Shannon, munching
an apple, begins moving in SLOW-MOTION...
64.
STEVE
When did I get so corny?
Steve looks: it’s actually everyone moving in slow-motion but

him. He shakes this off, too. Shannon nears. Steve sticks
his hand in the open Taxi door and, as Shannon passes, SLAM!
The Cabbie’s lemon-sucking face says it all.
INT. MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER - EXAMINING ROOM - DAY
Shannon bandages Steve’s bruised hand...
STEVE
...what are the chances I injure my
hand, and, two feet away there’s an
orthopedic surgeon?
SHANNON
(smirk)
Well, seeing as you were in front
of a hospital, I’d say pretty high.
STEVE
You’re doing a great job, it hardly
hurts at all.
SHANNON
That’s the lidocaine.
STEVE
I’m high on something...
(beat)
That works, right? Cause I’m just
assuming lidocaine is a anesthesia.
Shannon demurely smiles and nods her head.
STEVE
So, you must think I’m pretty
stupid for slamming my hand in a
car door.
SHANNON
Yeah, I do...
(chuckle)
Nah, I’ve seen worse. Remember
when they had that Mapplethorpe
Convention at the Guggenheim? I’ve
never seen stupid like that.
(MORE)
65.
SHANNON(cont'd)
My advice to people thinking of
inserting a foreign rectal object
would be to not do it.
STEVE
Dammit! There goes my New Year’s
plans!
Shannon laughs as she finishes bandaging Steve.
SHANNON
Sorry to ruin ‘em.
(beat)
Welp! That takes care of the
sprain. I’ve buddy-splinted it, so
try to use your left hand as much
as possible.
(smirk)
Hope you’re ambidextrous when it
comes to those foreign objects.
STEVE
Nah, actually I don’t have any New
Year’s plans, speaking of which...
Letmethankyoubytakingyouout.
What the hell? Steve spoke ultra-fast.
SHANNON
What? Can you speak a bit slower?
STEVE
(ultra-slow)
LETTTT-MEEEEE-THAAAAAANK-YOUUUUU-
BYYYYYY-TAAAKING-YOUUUUU-OOOOOOOUT.
It’s incomprehensible. Steve gives her a one-minute sign ,

grabs his prescription, and writes it out. Shows it to her.
SHANNON
Sure you’re not just suffering from
Florence Nightengale Syndrome? We
just met...
Steve smirks and writes, “Too spontaneous?”
SHANNON
Not at all. I’m off at six.
Shannon gracefully exits the room. The second she’s out,

Steve slams the door closed and screams...
STEVE
BROTHER TIME!
66.
Steve searches the room til Brother Time appears, shirtless.
BROTHER TIME
What’s going on?
STEVE
(annoyed)
What’s going on? Well, Omnicom has
a new line of phones coming out...
OH! And also, how about me talking
fast and slow and everyone moving
at different speeds?
(beat)
Look--I need this date to go
perfect and you’re the only person
I know who can screw with time.
Brother Time plops down on the examining table.
BROTHER TIME
I’m not the only one.
(beat)
I should have told you earlier, but
I didn’t think he’d resort to this.
STEVE
Who?
BROTHER TIME
My brother. See, we have this...
Agreement. If someone in your
situation actually completes all
their resolutions I get to be
Father Time for a 1,000 years.
STEVE
You fat piece of shit! You only
want me to succeed because there's
something in it for you!
BROTHER TIME
I’m not holding my breath, it’s
never happened before. See, every
time I get close, my prick brother--
STEVE
Stop! You guys need to work out
your issues--NOW. I can’t have a
perfect date with him screwing
around with time like this!
67.
BROTHER TIME
You just go about your business.
I’ll take care of him.
INT. LAND OF TIME - NIGHT
ENDLESS clocks - sundials to 80s Calculator Watches - build

this world in the clouds. Brother Time marches towards a
turned-away THRONE made of an enormous Grandfather Clock.
FATHER TIME (O.S.)

(Scottish accent)
To what do I owe this visit, Edgar?
They run out of cheap booze on
Earth?
BROTHER TIME
Yep. Your wife must have just
gotten back from a shopping spree,
jackass.
Father Time turns around--thin, refined and bearded with a

Scottish Accent (think Connery) he is everything Brother Time
is not. He grips an HOURGLASS.
FATHER TIME
Now, now, no need for the potty
talk. You wouldn’t want to upset
Mother...any more. Has she brought
up her concerns over your sexuality,
yet? Naturally, I informed her of
your penchant for prostitutes of the
female persuasion...
BROTHER TIME
Speaking of getting screwed, give
me the Hourglass and stop messing
with Steve.
FATHER TIME
Had you read our Agreement instead
of using it to pick Ju Ju Bees out
of your teeth, you would know that
there is nothing stating I cannot
use my powers.
Father Time blatantly turns the Hourglass sideways so the

sand stops moving.
FATHER TIME
Pardon, my hand must have slipped.
68.
EXT. MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER - 4:15 PM
In the street, Steve paces on his cell. Suddenly he freezes.
MAITRE D (FROM CELL)

I’m sorry, we’re all booked up for
dinner tonight.
(beat)
Sir? Sir? Are you there?
Brother Time slams the Hourglass right-side up so the sand

starts moving again. The two brothers stare each other down.
EXT. MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER - CONTINUOUS
Slowly Steve blinks as time returns to normal...

Hello? Hello?
STEVE
Not one table? That’s crazy.

Yes, it’s crazy that people make
dinner reservations for New Year’s
Eve more than two hours in advance.
I suggest you try Burger King.
Steve hangs up. Fuck. Lights up a cigarette. He looks

around, worrisomely. How’s he going to pull this off?
P.A.
E.R. is paging Doctor Grant.
Doctor Grant to E.R.
Steve glances back at the hospital...
INT. EXAMINING ROOM - 6:00 PM
Shannon carefully uses her SURGEON’S SCISSORS to cut a cast

off a SMALL GIRL.
SHANNON
...so, no more playing Tony Hawk.
69.
SMALL GIRL
Okay. Those scissors are so cool--
can they cut through anything?
SHANNON
Well, not anything, but watch this--
Shannon removes a penny and cuts it in half, gives it to her.
SMALL GIRL
Thanks!
She runs to her mom.
P.A.
Doctor Barclay to the Cafeteria.
Cafeteria paging Doctor Barclay.
That’s odd. Shannon shrugs and makes her way to...
INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - NIGHT
Shannon slugs into the cafeteria...scans it...finds a CORNER

(where Steve and Shannon sat before) done up like a ROMANTIC
RESTAURANT. Candlelight, wine and a guy in a wheelchair
playing a violin welcome her to dinner.
Only her beaming face surpasses the glow of the candles.
STEVE’S POV - From the darkened corner, he watches as Shannon

approaches. Her doctor pals give her a thumb’s up as she
passes them on her way to the romantic rendezvous...
She sits, grinning wildly. Looks around, takes it all in,

before opening her mouth and saying those three little words
Steve was hoping she’d say:
SHANNON
So, where’s Steve?
Huzzah? Steve looks at himself in the spoon...and sees a 5-

year-old boy!
LIL’ STEVE
THAT PIECE OF DOODY FAWVER TIME!
BACK TO NOT STEVE’S POV--Shannon sits across from Steve,

who’s regressed to a child, complete with speech impediment.
SHANNON
None of that ‘til you’re older.
(places napkin on lap)
(MORE)
70.
SHANNON(cont'd)
Did you help Steve with all of
this? You guys did a great job.
LIL’ STEVE
Yeah! He weally likes shmall boys!
Lil’ Steve winces, realizing how that sounded.
SHANNON
What?
LIL’ STEVE
Um...I was wost, Shteve found me
and ashked mway help with a giwl he
weally liked.
Shannon blushes. Steve grins.
SHANNON
Oh, really, did he say anything
else about me?
LIL STEVE
Are you the giwl he likes? Wow.
He said she was pwetty, but I
didn’t know how pwetty.
Just as Steve starts getting into it, he looks down to see

that his legs are shrinking.
LIL STEVE
I’m gonna get Shteve.
SHANNON
I think you should wait for him to
come back and get you.
LIL’ STEVE
Where do babies come from?
SHANNON
You know what? Go get Steve.
Steve hops out from the table and walks as fast as his little
legs can towards the KITCHEN, becoming younger with each step.
INT. CAFETERIA KITCHEN - DAY
The doors open, but no one walks in...wait! There on the

floor, a BABY crawls through the door.
BABY STEVE
BRODDA FIME!
71.
INT. LAND OF TIME - DAY
Father Time guffaws as he toys with his Hourglass. Brother

Time attempts to grab it.
BROTHER TIME
Turn him older now!
FATHER TIME
Certainly, Edgar, all you had to do
was ask.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
As Steve approaches the table, he rapidly ages until he

reaches it as an 80-year-old! About to sit, Steve notices
his elderly hands and touches his face. Turns to leave...
SHANNON
Oh...hello.
STEVE
Greetings, I’m...your waiter...
Carl...Can I take your order?
SHANNON
He really went all out...Certainly,
what’s on the menu, Carl?
STEVE
Uhh...it’s....umm...You’ll have to
excuse me, I seem to have developed
Alzheimer's.
(a wet spot appears in his
pants)
And incontinence. Uh...Steve has
prepared several dishes, I’m going
to bring you a bit of everything.
SHANNON
Sounds great. And if you see
Steve, tell him I’m anxiously
awaiting his arrival.
Steve stumbles into the kitchen, grabbing his aching back.

72.
INT. CAFETERIA KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
STEVE
TIME! At least get rid of the
incontinence!
INT. LAND OF TIME - SAME TIME
BROTHER TIME
Put him back!
FATHER TIME
Very well. Edgar, you need to get
a sense of humor...may I at least
skip to the end of their dinner?
BROTHER TIME
Who the hell do you think--
Actually, yeah.
INT. CAFETERIA - 8:17 PM
Plates of crumbs sit piled on the table.
SHANNON
...I give the food an A and the
service a D-. That waiter never
once came back.
STEVE
Pff! The elderly--what are they
good for?
Shannon goes to respond.
STEVE
Other than organ donations.
She laughs.
SHANNON
Thanks again for doing all this...
it must have taken some time.
STEVE
Hey, just turning failures into
opportunities.
(drinks)
So, you ever been married?
73.
SHANNON
No.
STEVE
Why?
SHANNON
It’s stupid...
STEVE
--Come on, you can tell me...
SHANNON
I was going to before you
interrupted. That wasn’t a “It’s
stupid” and I flirtatiously get you
to coax it out of me.
STEVE
(smiling)
I see...
SHANNON
ANYway...I believe in soulmates,
that you were meant to spend your
entire life with one person. And I
also believe you’ll just know when
you meet them.
Entranced by Shannon, Steve ignores his ringing cell phone.
SHANNON
My friends think I’m crazy, but I
see it here all the time. The way a
husband looks at his wife while
she’s giving birth. Old couples
that spend every waking hour at
their spouse’s side while they’re in
the hospital, then die within days
of one another of a broken heart.
If we could give soul-transplants,
we’d be able to save a lot more
lives. With soulmates, when your
partner dies, a part of your soul
dies, too. But I’ve really never
felt that way about anyone, so I
find it pointless to have anything
long term.
(takes a breath)
I’m sorry...I get carried away.
What happened with your ex-wife?
Steve gazes at Shannon with so much love and despair...

74.
STEVE
I actually ran into her recently--
she’s doing much better without me.
SHANNON
I’m sure that’s not true.
STEVE
Oh no, it is. I was just bringing
her down. You know how when a
relationship goes sour they say
it’s both people’s faults?
Completely mine.
SHANNON
A guy admitting fault? We’d better
lower your lidocaine dosage.
STEVE
This ain’t the drugs talking. It’s
like I had the ocean, but never
sailed on it.
Shannon touches his hand. God, he misses her touch.
SHANNON
I was thinking--
JUMP CUT: Shannon waits for a response.
SHANNON
...Well?
STEVE
Well what?
Shannon opens her mouth and...
JUMP CUT: Shannon waits for a response.
SHANNON
...home?
STEVE
Is it me, or did it just get a lot
less chronological in here?
SHANNON
(annoyed)
Are you listening? I said--
JUMP CUT: Shannon waits for a response. Steve sits staring.

75.
SHANNON
I don’t know where your head
is...Maybe this was a mistake...
Steve looks around in a panic.
INT. LAND OF TIME - CONTINUOUS
Father Time laughs on his throne, spinning the Hourglass.

Brother Time seethes...then LUNGES ONTO HIM! Cuckoo-birds
fly as they smash into clocks, wrestling for the Hourglass!
INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS
Shannon waits for a response, but none is forthcoming.
SHANNON
I’m sorry, Steve, I have to go.
Thanks again for dinner...
Steve looks up to the heavens/Brother Time for help.
INT. LAND OF TIME - CONTINUOUS
Billy The Kid, Atilla The Hun, Jack The Ripper and Mother
Theresa surround Brother Time, brandishing weapons.
BROTHER TIME
...fine. You win.
FATHER TIME
And, per usual, you lose. A shame
you could not use your useless
powers against mine--making Atilla
The Hun get stuck in traffic would
have bought you an extra second.
Father Time snaps his fingers and the characters disappear.

Brother Time turns to walk away...then spins and PUNCHES
Father Time in the face, knocking him unconscious!
BROTHER TIME
Pardon, my hand must have slipped.
Picks up the Hourglass. Turns it upside down and taps it so

two grains of sand fall back into the other side.
76.
INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT
Steve watches as Shannon JUMP CUTS/REWINDS--from leaving to

sitting at the table.
SHANNON
...I said, I don’t think you should
be alone in your condition, can I
walk you home?
Steve half smiles at Shannon, half smiles upwards.
STEVE
If I say “Hell Yeah,” will I appear
too eager?
EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK - 10:15 PM
Shannon and Steve stroll past Christmas Lit storefronts of

New York City. The City’s alive gearing up for New Year’s...
couples on dates, kids with noise makers, packed bars.
They pass a Homeless Man. Shannon gives him five singles.
STEVE
What drugs can you buy for that?
At least give him a sandwich--I
hear you can trade that for a
Forty.
Shannon laughs, then smirks with an idea.
SHANNON
You really think he’s going to use
it on drugs, Smart Guy?
STEVE
I know he is. I’m his dealer.
SHANNON
(cocks an eyebrow)
Care to make it interesting?
(playful)
Let’s follow him. If he doesn’t
use it on drugs, you give him a
hundred bucks.
STEVE
I don’t have that kind of money.
77.
SHANNON
Yes you do, I checked your wallet
when you were passed out from your
hand...
(off Steve’s look)
For insurance!
STEVE
Sure. So what do I get while he’s
snorting?
SHANNON
Personal satisfaction.
STEVE
I’m o.d.’ing on that already.
SHANNON
I’ll comp your hospital bill.
STEVE
Deal.
Steve and Shannon trail the Homeless Man. Steve’s goofily

spyish: throws himself against walls, rolls between alleys.
Shannon covertly hands off her MACE which Steve uses, gun-
like, to put around corners before the two turn them.
Finally, they come upon an empty lot where countless trash-

can fires burn. A bum village.
Homeless Man takes out the singles and approaches some

nefarious characters. Steve smiles smugly at Shannon. But
she smacks him flirtatiously and points--Homeless Man gives a
single to each of the other four bums.
SHANNON
See...you never know how what you
do reverberates...
Steve stares at Shannon--she could be talking about his

resolutions. He opens his wallet, making sure to read his
ADDRESS, and grabs $200.
Brother Time sits on Father Time’s throne, reading their

Agreement. Father Time wakes up.
78.
FATHER TIME
You are a lesson in class. I do
not know why I expected you to play
by the rules.
BROTHER TIME
Spoken like a true loser.
FATHER TIME
Just wanted to use a language you
understand. Perhaps you have
momentarily succeeded--
(chuckles)
However, I have 10 more resolutions
left to ensure this is the last
time your filthy buttocks touch my
throne.
Father Time pulls himself up, grabs his coat and hat.
FATHER TIME
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to
get home to Mother Earth--you
remember her, she went on two dates
with you and decided she would
rather be with me instead? Well,
I’m going to take a small break
now, shag her senseless, then
return to ensure Steve’s date fails
more miserably than you in high
school.
(leaves, turns back)
P.S.--I can go all night. Even all
year, if I want to.
INT. FATHER TIME’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Father Time rolls around in bed with MOTHER EARTH...
FATHER TIME
Yes...that’s right, call me Daddy
Time...AWGH!
He prematurely ejaculates.
FATHER TIME
Sorry, hen, that has never happened
before. Let’s just back up and try
again, shall we?
Snaps his finger.

79.
INT. FATHER TIME’S BEDROOM - EARLIER
Mother Earth opens her robe, revealing sexy lingerie. Father

Time prematurely ejaculates...
INT. FATHER TIME’S BEDROOM - EARLIER
Mother Earth kisses Father Time on the cheek. He, again,

prematurely ejaculates...
INT. FATHER TIME’S FOYER - EARLIER
Mother Earth greets Father Time at the door.
FATHER TIME
(prematurely)
AWGH!
(beat)
Excuse me, doll.
INT. LAND OF TIME - EVENING
Father Time marches at Brother Time, who spins on the throne.
BROTHER TIME
How’d the shagging go? I expect
everything was on time...
FATHER TIME
Edgar, you have to stop me from
prematurely ejaculating!
BROTHER TIME
My powers don’t seem so pointless
now, do they?
FATHER TIME
Whatever you want. Just, please,
stop it.
BROTHER TIME
You know what I want.
FATHER TIME
Very well. I shall leave your boy
Steve alone.
He turns to leave...and prematurely ejaculates.

80.
FATHER TIME
AWGH!
Brother Time hands him Kleenex while strutting away...
INT./EXT. STEVE’S APARTMENT - 11:30 PM
Keys jangle and the door to Steve’s classy apartment opens.

He and Shannon drift in. Both nod their heads, impressed.
STEVE SHANNON
Nice place! Nice place!
SHANNON
Someone’s conceited.
(beat)
Use your bathroom for a minute?
STEVE
Sure, it’s...uh...over there.
SHANNON
Where?
Steve points in a few different directions.
STEVE
You’ll find it.
All smiles, Shannon explores towards the kitchen. We hear a

DOOR CLOSE and a SINK RUN.
Steve collapses on his sofa, exhausted, but thrilled--

everything is finally working out.
WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

There you are! Don’t tell me you
forgot our New Year’s plans!
A CLASSY WOMAN storms out of the bedroom and stands in front

of Steve. He hears the TOILET FLUSH.
CLASSY WOMAN
That’s OK, Stevey, I forgive you...
She approaches with open arms. Steve glances from Woman to

the bathroom and...SPRAYS HER IN THE FACE WITH THE MACE!
STEVE
EAT THIS, FATHER TIME!
81.
Classy Woman screams, grabbing her eyes, and crashes around

the apartment as Steve keeps on spraying.
The two slam into the bathroom door.
SHANNON (O.S.)
What’s going on out there?
STEVE
It’s a burglar!
SHANNON (O.S.)
Oh God! I’ll call the police!
STEVE
I’m handling it! Stay in the
bathroom where it’s safe!
Shannon does. Steve keeps spraying as he pushes Classy Woman

out the door and locks it, tight. Brother Time materializes.
BROTHER TIME
What the hell are you doing?!?
STEVE
What you never could--taking care
of Father Time.
BROTHER TIME
I took care of him twenty minutes
ago! That...
CLASSY WOMAN (O.S.)

MY EYES! I’M BLIND!
BROTHER TIME
Was your New Year’s date!
Steve’s mouth drops open...but he quickly closes it when

Shannon emerges from the bathroom.
SHANNON
Wow...is there anything you can’t
do?
STEVE
Have a normal date? Can’t do that.
SHANNON
You kidding? This has been the
best date ever...
82.
She slinks forward and kisses him. As they embrace, Brother

Time plops on the couch to watch...Steve maces him.
BROTHER TIME
Fine. I’m gone...and blind.
They tumble into the bedroom and...BAM!
Steve’s back at his desk--but now, the picture that he once

had hidden in his drawer is prominently displayed: Steve hugs
Shannon and their daughter, Madeline at a playground.
Ringtone: “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong”
SQUEEK! Steve looks outside his corner-office windows to see

the HOMELESS MAN he gave money to is now a Window Washer.
Then someone falls past the window!
STEVE
OH MY GOD!
Steve bounds up and looks out the window to where the person
fell. Brother Time’s face pops up!
BROTHER TIME
Gotcha!
He moves into the office.
STEVE
Dick. I thought someone was hurt.
BROTHER TIME
Didn’t seem concerned with hurting
people when you maced your date.
STEVE
Yeah...who was that?
BROTHER TIME
Don’t worry--it was only your
second date, and she actually maced
you a few times before.
(beat)
So, last night turned out OK...
STEVE
“OK”? “OK”? Newton!
83.
NEWTON
(entering)
Yeah Steve?
Newton would have never been able to get away with calling
him “Steve” before.
STEVE
Who’s in this picture?
Steve turns the family picture around.
NEWTON
You, your wife, Shannon, and
daughter, Madeline.
Steve cocks an eyebrow at Brother Time--Newton looks to see

who he’s eyeing.
STEVE
That’s better than “OK,” BT.
That’s...Newton?
NEWTON
Umm...it’s awesome?
Steve points at Newton, points at BT.
STEVE
Hear that? “Awesome.” That’s
“Awesome.”
BT sees Hot Intern march past the door, follows her.
NEWTON
That it?
Steve turns the picture back around, smiles at it.
STEVE
Nah, why not sit down for a minute.
NEWTON
Umm...alright. What was that
about? Is everything OK at home?
STEVE
Awesome. So, Newt, we’ve never
really talked before--
(beat)
Have we?
84.
NEWTON
Is this a test?
STEVE
It isn’t. But if it was, you would
have failed.
(off his face)
I’m kidding. Look, Newton, look at
me--I’m kidding. This is my
kidding face. No, I’m asking...you
can’t want to work for me your
entire life, I don’t want to work
for me my entire life.
NEWTON
Actually, of lately, I’ve become
really interested in PR.
STEVE
You talk to Pakmindar in marketing?
NEWTON
I can’t. I don’t know what to say.
STEVE
I’ll wingman you.
NEWTON
What’s a wingman?
STEVE
Right. See you still don’t date
much. I’m going to call Pakmindar
and talk you up, then I’ll send you
over there to pick something up for
me. She’ll start the conversation.
NEWTON
Really? Gosh, thanks a lot, Steve.
Newton rises and leaves the room with renewed confidence.

Steve leans back in his chair, smiling at himself.
MUSIC RISES AS WE GO INTO A MONTAGE:
We cut between Steve’s Resolution and his office, which show

pictures, etc., of the Resolutions being accomplished.
RESOLUTION, AGE 26: “SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS”
-Steve’s desk fills with pictures of he, Zeki and Max

karaoking....Max dives onto a crowd of cowering Asians.
85.
RESOLUTION, AGE 28: “SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH MADELINE”
-Crayon drawings and pictures of Madeline and Steve in front

of The Met, Guggenheim, MOMA...Max dives onto a crowd of
cowering curators.
RESOLUTION, AGE 30: “TAKE SHANNON ADVENTURING”
-Shannon and Steve on various adventures: spelunking,

snorkling, sailing. Steve heroically tosses his cell phone
into the Ocean. Shannon applauds. Steve dives in after it.
RESOLUTION, AGE 31: “KILL YOUR FAMILY”
STEVE
WHAT?!
BROTHER TIME
Sorry. I must have put mine in
there by mistake. Think I’ll join
you for the final few laps...
MUSIC BACK UP...
RESOLUTION, AGE 31: “LOSE WEIGHT”
-Steve climbs a Stairmaster while Brother Time gorges himself

on pastries while watching the women in spandex.
RESOLUTION, AGE 32: “QUIT SMOKING”
-Steve breaks cigarettes while Brother Time blows smoke from

his cigar in Steve’s face. Steve breaks his cigar.
RESOLUTION, AGE 33: “GET OVER YOUR FEAR OF HEIGHTS”
-Steve cries on top of the Empire State Building while

Madeline and Brother Time point and laugh.
RESOLUTION, AGE 34: “MAKE OUR HOUSE A HOME”
In the backyard of a cozy house, Steve and Madeline work at

building an impressive full-scale-replica teepee.
STEVE
I hope this doesn’t attract a tribe
of Indians.
MADELINE
They’re called Native Americans
now, dad.
86.
STEVE
Answer me this, smarty-pants. Why
should they get the money from
casinos if we beat them in war?
MADELINE
I don’t know what you’re talking
about, but I know it’s bad.
She hangs a necklace made of squirrel bones on the door.
MADELINE
There! It looks so cool! Can I
sleep in it tonight, please?!
STEVE
Not tonight...I need the Building
Inspector to come by first and make
sure it’s safe.
MADELINE
Oh, right, we don’t want OSHA on
our tushes.
STEVE
You’re too smart for your age,
anyone ever tell you that?
SHANNON (O.S.)
The sitter’s here, pumpkin!
SITTER (O.S.)
STEVE-O!
Steve turns around...
STEVE
Thanks for...
(finishes turning)
STONE COLD?!?
MADELINE
Stoney!
Madeline springs up and hugs STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN.
STONE COLD
Hey, Mad.
STEVE
(cowering)
Don’t hurt me!
87.
STONE COLD
That’s right...I still owe you a
beating, don’t I?
MADELINE
You certainly do, Stoney. From
that time dad yelled at you when
you were in school together.
STEVE
Honey, the grown-ups are talking.
STONE COLD
New Year’s with the wife...
(wink)
I expect you home late.
MADELINE
Cause when Mom dresses up nice dad
takes her out and I have to play
the music in my room loud when they
come home and go to bed.
STONE COLD
That’s right. Now run along Steve-O.
Steve goes into the house. Stone Cold turns to the teepee.
STONE COLD
Wow, you build this?
MADELINE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and dad.
(beat)
Why aren’t you a dad, Stoney?
Stone Cold bites his lip.
STONE COLD
Wrestlers don’t really do things
like that. It’d look crazy. Like
a wrestler wanting to get into
politics. Crazy.
MADELINE
That’s OK.
STONE COLD
What’s OK?
88.
MADELINE
Marky said I was crazy to try and
build a teepee, but I told him that
my dad said you gotta follow your
dreams...and that’s where I got the
idea for this, in my dreams.
STONE COLD
...
MADELINE
Yeah. Dad said you have to follow
your dreams, no matter how crazy or
impossible they seem.
Stone Cold stares at Madeline and the teepee. His face

washes over with a huge smile. An epiphany.
Steve runs back out...
STEVE
Wanted to give you a kiss goodbye.
STONE COLD
You really do want a beating.
MADELINE
He was talking to me...
Steve perches on his tiptoes with puckered lips and Mad jumps
up to try and kiss them. Clearly, this is ritual. He lowers
himself and she jumps getting him square on the lips.
BAM!
Nameplate: Steve Darling, Vice President, Customer Service.
BROTHER TIME
Wow...Vice President Of Customer
Service. Whoever thought we’d see
the day where Steve Darling helped
people instead of hurting them?
Certainly not me.
STEVE
(re: pictures)
Me neither. But looks like I’m a
people person now, BT.
89.
-A picture: Shannon, in full regalia, sails. Electrical

Engineer Zeki fixes wiring. Steve and Madeline fish.
STEVE
Well, BT, it was a nauseating,
Dramamine-necessary ride while it
lasted. I’m going to miss you.
BROTHER TIME
What are you talking about?
STEVE
Oh, no one told you? Didn’t make a
resolution this year. Check AND
mate! Stick a fork in me, I am
done. Write the epilogue, I am
finished. Grab a rag...
BROTHER TIME
I get it. But the big bastard told
me you have one more to do...
STEVE
Nope. Didn’t make one. So bring
me home!
Brother Time disappears. Steve relaxes. BT reappears,

holding an envelope labeled FINAL RESOLUTION.
STEVE
Let me see that!
Concerned, Steve grabs the resolution from Brother Time.
STEVE
This isn’t even my handwriting...
(reads)
“Apologize to every customer you’ve
ever screwed over, you bastard...”
(beat)
What the hell?
Steve turns the pages...
STEVE
And there’s a three page apology
letter from...Newton! I...
Steve’s eyes scan the ceiling as he thinks. His face drains

of blood.
90.
STEVE
Oh shit.
(looks at Brother Time)
I had Newton make my resolution.
(reads letter)
And he was planning on quitting
that day!
(beat)
That doesn’t count, does it, I
don’t have to do this, do I?
BROTHER TIME
(reads The Agreement)
Shit. Yeah, Steve, you do.
STEVE
Every customer I’ve screwed over?
THAT’S EVERY CUSTOMER I’VE EVER
HAD!
BROTHER TIME
Can’t you just e-mail all of them?
STEVE
Do I look like a Viagra advertiser?
We don’t track e-mails! Shit!
Steve races out of the room.
INT. OMNICOM RECORDS ROOM - DAY
Full of mainframes, Steve searches frantically through the

Omnicom database. Numbers race across the computer screen.
BROTHER TIME
How bad is it?
STEVE
Oh, just 5 million customers!
There’s no way I can call them all
in one day, even with how terse I
am on the phone! There’s not
enough time.
Steve crumples up the Resolution.
STEVE
GOD DAMMIT!
BROTHER TIME
Steve--
91.
STEVE
Just leave me the fuck alone!
Steve stomps out of the room. He’s never been lower.
INT. TEEPEE - 1:00 PM
Steve is sprawled out, staring at the ceiling. Strewn around

the teepee: fast food wrappers, alcohol, porn mags. He takes
a puff on his cigarette - coughs - puff - coughs...
His cell rings with U2’s “It’s A Beautiful Day”--sees “MOM”

on the caller ID, doesn’t answer. It keeps ringing while
Steve stares off into nothingness...
INT. LAND OF TIME - SAME TIME
Through a break in the clouds, Brother Time watches Steve.

Looks at The List, floating beside him, sees the 19 crossed
off Resolutions. Only one remains.
BROTHER TIME
Awww shit...
(beat)
Hey, Fatty!
INT. TEEPEE - LATER
Steve’s passed out. Brother Time slowly enters.
BROTHER TIME
Steve...what...what are you doing?
STEVE
(wakes up)
Oh hey...just enjoyin’ myself.
Last day of true happiness--thought
I’d go out with a bang...
Brother Time kicks away empty cans, wrappers, and sits down.
BROTHER TIME
Steve, look, I know I give you a
hard time...but...you’ve actually
come a long way.
Steve hands Brother Time a half-eaten burger. Burps.

92.
BROTHER TIME
And because you’ve done so well
with your resolutions so far--hell,
I didn’t think you’d make it past
one--I cut a new deal with my
prick, piece of shit brother.
(defeated)
I’ve given up my chance to be
Father Time, Steve.
STEVE
Why the hell would you do that?
Steve chugs a beer in protest.
BROTHER TIME
So I could give you a way out.
(beat)
Steve, this is a one time offer, so
listen carefully and for God’s sake
put down the beer.
Steve does.
BROTHER TIME
You now have a choice: You can try
to complete this last resolution--
and before you answer, remember
that if you fail, you’ll have to
start all over. You could be stuck
in an endless loop doing this
forever.
STEVE
The resolution’s impossible--
BROTHER TIME
--OR, you can go back to your life
the way it was before I showed up.
And it will be as if none of this
ever happened...
STEVE
Are you serious?
BROTHER TIME
Yep. You’ll get that promotion and
all the power, money and strippers
your heart desires. You’ll have
everything you wanted that night I
froze time.
93.
STEVE
I don’t know what to say...
BROTHER TIME
That’s a first. Just make a
decision. I’ve already made mine.
Brother Time leaves. Steve is in shock--that sobered him up.
INT. STEVE AND SHANNON’S HOME - DAY
Steve ambles through his house, taking it all in. Pictures

of Shannon, Madeline, Steve--they’re truly a happy family.
Will this be the last time he sees his home?
Steve picks up a Post-It Note: Steve, have a great day!

Thanks for last night. You’re the best! Love, Shannon.
INT. SINAI HOSPITAL - OUTSIDE SHANNON’S OFFICE - DAY
Steve watches Shannon with a patient. Shannon beams as she

shows the patient a wallet-size wedding photo of them.
INT. MADELINE’S WINTER DAY CAMP - DAY
Madeline gushes with pride as she presents a drawing she made

of her and Steve building the teepee. Steve’s labeled “Dad.”
Steve somberly watches from outside the window...
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - 6:58 PM
Steve drifts through crowds of people. Then sees the Bum-

turned Window Washer on the street--only now he’s a MAILMAN!
STEVE
BROTHER TIME!
Time freezes. Brother Time appears.
BROTHER TIME
Jeez, you don’t have to yell...
STEVE
I’ve made my decision. Look, man,
I appreciate the offer. The fact
that you would give up your dream
of being Father Time for me, well,
I’m honored, seriously.
(MORE)
94.
STEVE(cont'd)
(beat)
But I just can’t...I can’t go back
to the guy I used to be. I’m not
him anymore. He was an ass. A
good-looking ass, but an ass
nonetheless.
BROTHER TIME
Steve, if you don’t complete this
resolution, you’ll go back to the
beginning. You’ll probably be
doing this for all of eternity.
STEVE
But that’s the thing. It’s not
about me. Everyone’s life is now
better because I did my resolutions:
My wife, my daughter, my friends, co-
workers, even that bum has a cushy
government job!
(beat)
I owe it to them to AT LEAST try to
make this new world a reality.
BROTHER TIME
Spoken like a true moron.
(checks his watch)
You’ve got five hours to make this
resolution happen. Oh and this
time, Steve...I’m rootin’ for ya.
Brother Time un-freezes time.
EXT. ZEKI’S DUPLEX - 7:30 PM
Steve pounds on the door. Zeki answers, confused.
ZEKI
Uh...Max’s New Year’s party doesn’t
start for another three hours. And
I thought we were meeting there.
Steve steps in.
STEVE
I need your help.
INT. ZEKI’S LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER
Steve paces, while Zeki listens on the couch.

95.
STEVE
...need to call five million people
at the same time and apologize to
them before midnight tonight. Now,
before you say no--
ZEKI
--I’m in.
STEVE
...really?
ZEKI
Sure. I mean, granted this is
weird. But no weirder than the
time you needed my help installing
that camera in your T.A’s shower.
STEVE
I...forgot about that. You really
did that for me?
ZEKI
For both of us. She was hot.
They smile.
STEVE
(on edge)
Okay, but you’ll have to cancel
your New Year’s plans, we only have
four and a half hours--
ZEKI
Steve, it’s okay. It’s like your
mantra: “One man’s failure is
another man’s opportunity...to
help.”
STEVE
That’s my mantra?
(off Zeki’s confusion)
I mean: That is my mantra!
ZEKI
Point is, you’ve always had time
for me. So let’s have at it.
INT. ZEKI’S OFFICE - LATER
Wires, electrical equipment, television monitors, computer

parts strewn about. Zeki looks over the blueprint of a grid.
96.
STEVE
I’m SO glad you didn’t become a
waiter.
ZEKI
Why would I become a waiter?
STEVE
No reason. So, is it possible?
ZEKI
Well as I see it, there’s only one
way to do this.
STEVE
Listening...
ZEKI
If we hack into the Omnicom
satellite feed, we could call all
five million of your customers’
cell phones simultaneously. Then
you could apologize.
STEVE
That’s perfect!
ZEKI
There’s only one thing we need.
STEVE
A cheaper long distance plan?
ZEKI
An antenna large enough to transmit
the enormous signal.
Steve picks up a TV antenna off the floor.
STEVE
Can’t we just use this?
ZEKI
Steve, we’re talking about a signal
so huge it’s able to interface with
five million phones all over the
country.
(beat)
We need the Ron Jeremy of antennas.
Steve slowly moves towards the window.

97.
STEVE
I think I found it.
Steve’s looking through the window at...The Giant Ball Drop

in Times Square. THE BALL SITS ATOP...AN ENORMOUS ANTENNA!
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT - 9:00 PM
Times Square! New Year’s Eve! People everywhere! It’s like

“The Grove” on crack! Wall-to-wall pedestrians eager to ring
in the New Year with Dick Clark.
Zeki and Steve push through the crowd. Steve’s on his cell.
STEVE
...meet me at Times Square. I’m
with Zeki--look, I promise, I’ll
explain everything when you get
here. I’m okay. Love you too.
Steve hangs up. A worried Zeki turns to Steve.
ZEKI
You sure you want to go through
with this? I’m almost positive
there’s a lengthy prison sentence
for this type of thing. And, it’s
really dangerous.
STEVE
I’ll be fine.
ZEKI
I was thinking about me.
Steve hands him Shannon’s MACE.
ZEKI
Oh, that’s great. A Middle Eastern
man with chemical weapons--I don’t
see how this could go wrong.
Zeki and Steve sprint towards ONE TIME SQUARE.
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE - LATER
Zeki and Steve arrive and immediately confront SECURITY

GUARDS, flanking the front of the building/area.
98.
FAT SECURITY GUARD

Unless your name is Dick Clark, no
one gets through.
Zeki waves his Con Edison ID in front of the Guards.
ZEKI
Power failure inside the building.
The guards examine his ID. It’s legit.
FAT SECURITY GUARD

Go ahead.
Steve follows close behind.
FAT SECURITY GUARD

Hey! Where you think you’re going?
ZEKI
He’s with me.
FAT SECURITY GUARD

(to Steve)
ID.
Steve removes a card from his wallet. Guard examines it.
FAT SECURITY GUARD

Hollywood Video?
STEVE
Sorry. I...can’t find my ID.
FAT SECURITY GUARD

Then have fun renting a movie
tonight. I recommend “Amelie.”
Guard tosses Steve his Hollywood Video card. Zeki’s eyes

panic, Steve looks around.
STEVE
It’s okay. You fix it without me.
(to Guards)
I’ll just fill him in...
Steve takes Zeki aside. They whisper.
ZEKI
This wasn’t the plan.
STEVE
You got your cell?
99.
ZEKI
Of course, but--
STEVE
I’ll call you when I’m on the roof.
ZEKI
How on earth will you get up there?
STEVE
Just keep your phone on.
Steve and Zeki break out of their huddle. Zeki’s waved

through while Steve scans for another way in.
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE - SOON AFTER
Steve stares at the giant crowd. How will he get through?

Just then he notices a sewer grate.
INT. SEWERS - 10:15 PM
Steve trundles through the dirty sewer water beneath Times

Square, using his cell phone glow for light. It’s dark, wet,
smelly--and a pain in the ass. Finally, he sees an opening.
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE - SOON AFTER
Steve emerges from the sewer grate. Stands up, dusts himself
off. Turns around--he’s right behind Dick Clark!
DICK CLARK
Awgh...what smells like shit?
Dick Clark pivots. Sees a drenched Steve, half-smiling.
STEVE
Happy New Year?
DICK CLARK
That’s my line, asshole!
Steve bolts out of there as fast as he can.
DICK CLARK
Security!
Dick Clark’s Security Guards chase after Steve.

100.
DICK CLARK
Damnit! This ruins my whole
Rockin’ Eve.
A Guard throws his arm around Dick Clark, consolingly.
Meanwhile, Steve heads into ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA. The

Guards raise their guns, and move toward the plaza as well.
INT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - CONTINUOUS
Steve rushes inside, races to the elevators, presses the ‘up’

button frantically. Nothing happens.
Steve looks over--sees a sign: “ELEVATORS--OUT OF ORDER.”
Checks his watch--11:20 PM!
STEVE
Shit!
GUARDS (O.S.)
I think he’s in here...!
Steve runs towards the stairs--disappears into the stairwell.
INT. STAIRS - LATER
Steve speeds up the steps. He approaches “Floor 15 of 100.”

He’s cruising, without breaking a sweat.
STEVE
Good thing I quit smoking.
INT. STAIRS - LATER
Steve continues to briskly climb stairs. He approaches

“Floor 50 of 100”. He’s sweating, but not slowing down.
STEVE
Good thing I lost weight.
EXT. ROOF - 11:35 PM
Steve, dripping with sweat, and limping in pain, opens the

door, then collapses on the roof from exhaustion.
He peers down over the roof. He’s extremely high up.

101.
STEVE
(winded)
Good thing...I got over...my fear
(coughs)
...of heights.
Steve slowly and painfully stands up. Sees that he’s right
next to the base of the GIANT BALL drop.
STEVE
There you are...don’t drop yet.
INT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - ELECTRICAL ROOM - SAME TIME
Zeki’s in the ELECTRICAL ROOM, 100 floors below Steve.
A large LCD Clock reads 11:40.
Zeki fiddles with a CIRCUIT BOX. On the walls are MONITORS,

one’s LIVE COVERAGE of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
His cell beeps.
STEVE (FROM CELL)

I’m here. Heading to the ball...
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - BALLDROP - NIGHT
Steve approaches the BALLDROP/ANTENNA.
ZEKI (FROM CELL PHONE)

WAIT!
Steve stops in his tracks.
ZEKI (FROM CELL)

I shut off power to the security
cams up there. But there’s still
cameramen on top of the other
buildings for the New Year’s shows.
Steve looks--indeed, on roofs of surrounding buildings are

cameramen with their lens’ pointed at the New Year’s Crowd.
ZEKI
Just don’t do anything that would
get their attention. Now go open
the box...
Steve opens a HUGE ELECTRICAL BOX at the base of the antenna.

Inside: dozens of colored wires, thick as garden hoses.
102.

What colors do you see?
STEVE
It’s like a Crayola box up here!
There’s hundreds of wires!

22, Steve, 22. Now, three of the
wires should be separated and
connected with a white tie.
Steve searches for the three wires. As he does, he pulls out

other wires--they coil around him, he’s oblivious. Finally,
he finds the three - blue, red and green.
ZEKI
Be careful not to touch them
directly or you’ll get shocked with
the combined power of New York.
Steve removes a pair of WIRE SHEARS and a SMALL CABLE--one

end has frayed wires, the other plugs into his phone.
ZEKI
Now don’t (beep) the wrong (beep)
Steve anxiously looks at his cell phone--INCOMING CALL.
STEVE
DAMNIT! SOMEONE’S CALLING?!
ZEKI
(BEEP) IT! (BEEP) ONLY (BEEP) LEFT!
STEVE
YOU’VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME! Hold
on--
Steve, sweating, clicks over.
STEVE
Yeah?!
MADELINE (FROM CELL PHONE)

DAD!
EXT. TIMES SQUARE CROWD - NIGHT
Madeline and Shannon stand in Times Square. A young boy

Mad’s age stands beside her, poking--MARKY.
103.
STEVE
What’s up, pup? Listen, Dad’s kind
of in the middle of something...
MADELINE
Marky’s mom drove us here and he
keeps poking me--
STEVE
Honey, I have to--
MADELINE
NO! MAKE HIM STOP!
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - BALLDROP - CONTINUOUS
STEVE
Give Marky the phone...
(looks at clock. Shit.)
Marky? IF YOU TOUCH MY DAUGHTER
AGAIN YOU WILL BE IN A WORLD OF
SHIT! I WILL--
EXT. TIMES SQUARE CROWD - CONTINUOUS
Marky holds the phone--his aghast face, tears and trembling

hands say it all.
STEVE
...LITTLE ASS! NOW PUT MY DAUGHTER
BACK ON THE PHONE.
(beat)
You’re welcome. Good. I’m glad
he’s puking. See you soon, pup.
Steve clicks back.
STEVE
So, you were saying--
ZEKI
Oh, just that if you connect the
wrong wire to your phone, you’ll
short it out. So, pick up the--
104.
VOICE (FROM ZEKI’S LINE)

HEY!
INT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - FIRST FLOOR - SAME TIME
A Butch Security Guard’s walked in on Zeki!
BUTCH SECURITY GUARD

What are you doing in here? Who
gave you clearance?
Zeki carefully puts the phone under the desk.
INT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - BALLDROP - CONTINUOUS
STEVE
Zeki? Zeki? Hello?
Steve looks out at the time: 11:50!
STEVE
ZEKI!
Steve’s on his own. Stares at the three wires - red, blue

and green. With a long exhale, he slowly shears away the
outside casing to the green. When he hits the wire...ZZZ!
Previously dark, the HAPPY NEW YEAR! above him is now lit as
H P E E !
Yeah, that’ll get attention. Every camera swings onto Steve!
CROWD BELOW (O.S.)

HE’S GOING TO JUMP!
SOME GUY (O.S.)

OR PEE ON US!
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT
Steve is broadcast on the Times Square JUMBOTRON!
SHANNON
That’s my husband!
MADELINE
That’s my dad!
DRUNK GUY
That’s my beer!
105.
Drunk Guy takes back his beer from a DRUNKER GUY.
POLICE
(grabs Mad and Shannon)
Come on--we need to talk him down.
INT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - FIRST FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Butch Security Guard looks past Zeki to a MONITOR that shows

Steve fiddling at the antenna. Zeki searches in his pocket..

Hey! Who’s that on the roof?
ZEKI
Wait...Found my clearance...
Zeki removes MACE from his pocket and sprays it in her face!

MY EYES!
Zeki pushes her outside the room, locks the door.
BUTCH SECURITY GUARD (O.S.)

Oh god, it’s in my mouth!
ZEKI (INTO CELL)

Steve! You there?
BUTCH SECURITY GUARD (O.S.)

Now it’s in my nose...just awful!
STEVE
What happened?
ZEKI
Nothing a little jail time won’t
fix. I see you chose the green.
That was a mistake.
CROWD BELOW (0.S.)

JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
CROWD BELOW (O.S.)

PEE! PEE! PEE!
106.
STEVE
Next time we do this, you tell me
which wire before.
ZEKI
Doesn’t work like a movie, man.
You have to tell me what the wires
say. Red?
Steve examines the Red Wire--“LTG” is stamped on it.
STEVE
LTG.
ZEKI
Nope. Blue?
STEVE
SNG.
ZEKI
That’s it. Just like we went over:
sheer, link cable, plug into your
phone, then attach the computer
chip with the 5 million numbers.
STEVE
Anything else before hanging up?
ZEKI
Don’t electrocute yourself. I
don’t know if I can teach anyone
else the Karaoke moves for “Don’t
Go Breaking My Heart”.
STEVE
Please, I’ve been carrying you this
whole time. Thanks, Zeki.
Steve looks at the clock: 11:58! Wiping away sweat, Steve

sheers the blue plastic until the golden wires are visible.
Takes the CABLE’s bare ends and slides them into the exposed
wiring. Plugs other end into his cell. Attaches Chip.
With a quaking index finger, presses 1 - “ALL OMNICOM

CUSTOMERS” flashes on the cell phone screen. Hits “SEND.”
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Steve checks the phone.
CU PHONE: “OUT OF RANGE”

107.
STEVE
OUT OF RANGE?!? BULLSHIT! I
CREATED YOU!
Steve furiously waves his cell around to get a signal.
STEVE
Come on...please...
BOOM! Steve shakes. BOOM! Steve looks up to see the 1,070

pound BALL beginning to drop!
DICK CLARK (O.S.)

ONE MINUTE THIRTY SECONDS TO 2007!
Directly under the ball, Steve cradles the cell phone/wiring

contraption and walks out of the ball’s path. Or not. He’s
stuck! Looks around to find that he’s entangled in wires--
Steve tries to disrobe to untangle himself...
SOME GUY (O.S.)

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GOING TO PEE!
...but only succeeds in enmeshing himself more.
DICK CLARK
ONE MINUTE FIFTEEN SECONDS!
Steve goes nucking futs, tearing at the wires, his clothes,

waving his cell phone around trying to get service.
CU PHONE: “OUT OF RANGE”
Nothing. Exposed wires are attached to his pants and he’s

knotted tightly underneath the rapidly descending ball.
CROWD BELOW
CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!
STEVE
(to phone)
WHY DID I INVENT YOU?
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Checks the phone--he’s back in range!
STEVE
Thank you God...and Omnicom.
108.
DICK CLARK
One minute to New Year’s! LET THE
COUNTDOWN BEGIN!
Steve looks at the knots, starts untangling them, but there’s

too many to do--it’ll take him more than a minute.
STEVE
Screw it. If I make the call first,
everyone else’s lives continue as
they are.
RINGGGGGGGGGGGGG! The combined RINGS, VIBRATES, TONES and

BEEPS of half the nation - and nearly all of New York - shake
the air. There’s a collective “HELLO?”
EXT. JUMBOTRON - NIGHT
The crowd either has cell phones to their ears, or watches

Steve on the monitor, the BALL quickly descending...
STEVE
Hi. This is Steve Darling,
president of Customer Service for
Omnicom, sorry to bother you so
late. In fact, sorry for every
time we call at inopportune times.
INT. PENNY AND MIKE VAN BUREN’S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Penny and Mike sit in bed, watching Steve on TV.
PENNY
I am so glad I dumped that loser.
EXT. JUMBOTRON - SAME TIME
DICK CLARK
45 seconds!
STEVE
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for
everything horrible about cell
phones: from the way they've
created a society of people who
can’t wait in grocery store lines
without calling five friends;
(MORE)
109.
STEVE(cont'd)
to jerks who stand in front of you
at concerts and hold up their
phones so their pals on the other
end can sorta, kinda, not hear the
band.
(takes a breath)
To the way your spouse calls every
15 minutes to ask what you're
doing; to girls at clubs you can't
hit on because they’re too busy
text-messaging their girlfriends
who aren't there; to headsets that
feel like shoving a needle into
your ear canal; to the operator who
works at the cell phone company
who, when you tell her your cell
phone is broken, she says she can
only help you if you call from your
cell phone. I'm sorry.
DICK CLARK
30 seconds to New Year’s!
STEVE
And, most of all, I’m sorry for 50
Cent ring tones--I really really
am. And P.S.-Beethoven's Ode To
Joy was meant for a concert hall,
not a speaker the size of a flea.
DICK CLARK
20 seconds to New Year’s!
STEVE
But I’m the worst. And I want to
apologize to every person who's
called to register a complaint and
I put you on hold for 20 minutes
listening to the worst Muzak I
could find between commercials for
products that will take away even
more of your money. I could have
taken the call, but I wanted to
finish an article in Maxim. And
every time I told you I was going
through a dead zone? Lies. I just
didn't want to talk to you.
Finally, I'd like to admit that I'm
the reason you get charged twenty
five dollars when you go one second
over your calling plan.
110.
STEVE CROWD
And you know when you go "out
of range?" Yeah, I made that
up. So, I'd just like to say
to you all, now, here: I'm
sorry, I've been a real Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!
bastard. Six...
Steve completes his call just as the BALL is about to crush

him...just as he’s, literally, about to be crushed by time.
He gives a long exhale and resigns himself to his fate.
STEVE
Guys, have a great life...
BAM! The door to the ROOF flies open--it’s Shannon and Mad!
Shannon sprints towards Steve with her SURGEON’S SCISSORS.
MADELINE
NO RUNNING WITH SCISSORS!
As the Ball is about to squash Steve, Shannon slides under it

and CUTS off his pants! The two roll out just as the BALL
HITS THE BOTTOM OF THE ANTENNA...
CROWD BELOW (O.S.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The rest of the letters ignite on the roof: “HAPPY NEW YEAR
2007!” Champagne bottles, poppers, streamers, confetti...the
whole world seems to celebrate Steve’s victory!
Steve looks at his cell phone: 12:00 A.M, January 1st, 2007
It takes a moment to register, then...
STEVE
(grabs Shannon and Mad)
HAPPY NEW YEAR! IT’S NOT NEW
YEAR’S ANYMORE!
Zeki exits the door to the roof and runs over to Steve,
joining in the celebration, too!
MADELINE
Dad! Put some pants on!
Steve turns to Shannon.

111.
STEVE
I really thought my time had run
out.
SHANNON
Are you crazy? I wasn’t gonna let
you go that easy.
(loving)
I can’t imagine a life without you.
STEVE
I can. It’s awful. Trust me.
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - JUMBOTRON - CONTINUOUS
The Crowd watches them KISS on the Jumbotron...the family

doesn’t notice the NYPD and Mr. Schuller, President of
Omnicom, advancing. NYPD grabs Steve.
POLICE CHIEF
You’re under arrest.
MR. SCHULLER
I can’t tell you how many Omnicom
codes you broke, Steve. Consider
that disgraceful speech your one
phone call.
Flanked by Mr. Schuller and the NYPD, Steve is ripped away

from his family and hauled off towards jail, when...
MAX (O.S.)
LET HIM GO! LET HIM GO!
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - CROWD - CONTINUOUS
Max - still in Def Leopard garb - erupts in Steve’s defense.

The Cameras focus on Max, who’s broadcast on the Jumbotrons.
MAX
Dudes! He’s just apologizing for
all the shit you cell phone
bastards do to screw us over!
CROWD
YEAH! HE’S RIGHT!
CHEERS! The crowd joins in, led by Max.

112.
CROWD
LET HIM GO! LET HIM GO!
The crowd continues chanting. The NYPD isn’t sure what to

do. Newton rushes onto the roof. Approaches Schuller.
NEWTON
Mr. Schuller, as vice president of
PR, I must inform you that firing
Steve would be terrible publicity
for Omnicom given that the entire
crowd - and country - supports him.
Schuller glares at Steve. Then the crowd. He begrudgingly

nods “yes.” The crowd cheers as Steve hugs Newton.
POLICE CHIEF
Touching scene...
Steve’s pulled back by the Police Chief.
POLICE CHIEF
But you broke about 100 laws,
including streaking, so you’re
still going to jail. Officers--
Steve’s handcuffed...
VOICE (O.S.)
RELEASE THAT MAN!
POLICE CHIEF
Mr. Mayor!
A suited Stone Cold Steve Austin approaches the hubbub.
MAYOR STONE COLD

The City Of New York will be
dropping all charges against Steve
Darling here...
(beat)
Hey, Mad.
MADELINE
Hey, Stoney. Glad you took my
advice.
113.
MAYOR STONE COLD

So am I. Beating minorities is
much more fun than beating
wrestlers.
Cheers as Mayor Stone Cold uncuffs Steve.
STEVE
I’m not even going to ask what the
hell I’ve done to this world...but
thanks.
MADELINE
Can we go now? I’m tired...
Steve grabs Madeline and hoists her on his shoulders. Takes

Shannon’s hand, and the three lead the crowd to the door...
EXT. ONE TIMES SQUARE PLAZA - CROWD - NIGHT
When Steve and co. exit the building, they’re greeted with
jubilation and champagne fountains. Steve covers Mad’s
mouth, lest any alcohol enter.
Steve does the jump-kiss thing, and Mad pecks him. Then he
hears one person clapping slowly off to the side.
He moves to Brother Time, who continues applauding.
BROTHER TIME
You fucking did it.
STEVE
Already made my New Year’s
Resolution for this year.
Steve passes him a piece of paper:
BROTHER TIME
“Tell the world about Father Time’s
lesser known, but equally
important, brother.”
(tears up)
I think I got something in my
eye...
Brother Time crumples the paper.
BROTHER TIME
Thanks, but after going through all
this shit with you, I actually
don’t mind being Brother Time.
(MORE)
114.
I got just as important stuff to do
as my brother.
Looks at the beaming Shannon and Zeki playing with Madeline.
BROTHER TIME
Plus, there’s this--
AWGH! The entire NYPD grab their crotches as they all

prematurely ejaculate.
STEVE
I’ll think of you every time I
prematurely ejaculate, BT.
Steve and Brother Time embrace. Then Steve hands him his
cell phone.
STEVE
Use it to call your brother. I
don’t need it anymore.
Brother Time nods as Steve turns back to his family waiting

for him with open arms. He puts out his own arms and
Madeline runs at them for a hug...
BAM! Steve’s tackled by Stone Cold Steve Austin!
MAYOR STONE COLD

I STILL OWE YOU A BEATING!
U2’s New Year’s Day rises...
We pull out from: Madeline shaking her finger at Mayor Stone

Cold; Shannon, laughing, checking Steve for bruises; Max
playing air guitar for Zeki; Newton kissing the Hot Intern.
Continue pulling out from the Times Square Crowd, up past the
dropped illuminated BALL and out to The Land Of Time...
FADE OUT:
THE END

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ABOVE THE LINE AGENCY

NEW YEARS STEVE

Josh Herman & Adam Schwartz

468 N. Camden Dr. Suite 200 Beverly Hills California 90210

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DECEMBER 31ST, 2006 - DAY

SNOW sprinkles the high rises.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS adorn the shops.

YELLOW CABS HONK! in congested traffic.

AND cold committed masses in puffy parkas line up for the

EXT. OMNICOM HIGH RISE BUILDING - SAME TIME

Immense. We move up the building to the top floor...

INT. OMNICOM HIGH RISE BUILDING - SAME TIME

A silver sign sheens: “Omnicom”. EMPLOYEES in power suits

INT. OMNICOM CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME TIME

Suits surround a vast red-oak table. Front and center struts

KISS ASS CARL, a frightened mouse of a man, fake smiles.

KISS ASS CARL

Carl hushes while Steve continues to swagger.

Steve rips a veil off an easel revealing a rainbowed display:

A Surly Woman rudely thrusts a calculator in Steve’s face.

The room shifts uncomfortably. Did he just say that?

Uncertainty fills the place. An Older Man, in a rug

KISS ASS CARL

The hands go down. Steve smiles wide.

They applaud. Mostly out of fear.

INT. OUTSIDE OMNICOM CONFERENCE ROOM - SOON AFTER

The door swings open. As the suits disperse, Steve

HOT INTERN--think Paris Hilton with bigger breasts.

Hot Intern isn’t sure whether to be impressed or feel

Steve smoothly pivots and heads towards his office.

INT. STEVE’S OFFICE - LATER

Plush is an understatement. It’s sheer size suggests

STEVE (INTO HEADSET)

Steve rummages through his desk drawers. Buried at the

STEVE (INTO HEADSET)

Steve hangs up. KNOCK!

The door opens. In walks a man whose successful presence

Steve checks the time on his cell, shows it to Schuller.

Mr. Schuller smiles politely. They move to the window. Gaze

EXT. AUREOLE RESTAURANT - LATER - DAY

Expensive and pretentious. Power lunch. Steve is escorted

Newton fumbles ten cell phones. They all beep in pockets of

One of Newton’s phones rings. Steve motions to get it.

Steve grabs the phone, hangs up.

Their WAITER arrives. He’s Middle Eastern.

Steve stares at him blankly.

Steve laughs at his joke. Zeki’s face falls even lower.

Zeki looks at Steve like he’s a monster.

Zeki storms off.

All of Newton’s phones ring at once. He answers one.

Steve grabs the phone.

Steve stands up, dramatically. Looks around.

A horrified Newton sinks down into his seat.

INT. STEVE’S MERCEDES - AFTER LUNCH - DAY

Newton drives. In the backseat, Steve text-messages between

A beat, as Newton considers this.

INT. MOUNT SINAI MEDICAL CENTER HALLWAY - DAY

Steve and Newton charge through the halls. Newton nervously

GUY WHO’S BLEEDING ON EVERYTHING waves cheerily. Steve

INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - MOMENTS LATER

Cafeteria is decorated for New Year’s--Father Time cut-outs,

Steve approaches a table with SHANNON (35), a woman who looks