Phonetic Foolishness
By: H.L. Vogelsang
(An English Pronunciation Challenge)
If YOU pronounce HEAD, DEAD, and
BEAD
You’ll hear the last word rhymes with INDEED,
And in this “poem” you will surely find,
Many items of this kind.
For instance:
DEAR and FEAR and HEAR but BEAR
GEAR and TEAR but “WEAR and TEAR,”
YEAST and LEAST and PLEASED but PLEASANT,
MEANT and PEAT but SWEAT and GREAT
(The last word rhymes with FREIGHT and
WEIGHT.)
Quite differently again is HEIGHT,
Which sounds like BITE, INDICT, and LIGHT.
The next line should be read with CARE:
The PRAYING PRAYER says his PRAYER.
BEAN and LEAN and MEAN but MEANT;
Note “g” in GET, in GEM, and GENT.
VICE but CREVICE, ADVICE, and DEVICE,
LICE but MALICE, POLICE, CONCISE.
We say DREAMT but also DREAMED
(The last word rhyming with ESTEEMED).
GREW and BLEW and NEW but SEW,
COW and ROW but SOW and ROW.
MEASLES does not sound like measure;
The same applied to TREASON – TREASURE.
BRAID and MAID and LAID but SAID,
TREAT but THREAT and THREAD but TREAD.
A PRISON is often called a JAIL.
Which word is also written: GAOL.
Now note the difference with GOAL.
Which rhymes with FOAL and DOLE and ROLL.
OWL and JOWL are not like BOWL;
Try FOWL then GHOUL and lastly SOUL,
We say FREAK and STREAK but STEAK
LEAK and FREAK and SPEAK but BREAK
MEADOW has the sound of “ed.”
Note: LEAD and LEAD, READ and READ,
WEAR and WEARY, HEARD but BEARD,
DREAD but DREARY, EARNED but FEARED,
BAIT and GAIT and STRAIT but PLAID.
Leave out the “g” in GNAW and GNAT.
SWARD but SWORD and WORD by LORD,
LOAD and TOAD and ROAD but BROAD.
CEREAL does not sound like SEAL,
REAL not like ZEAL and HEAL.
First say DANGER then say ANGER
COUNT but COUNTRY; SOUTHERN – SOUTH,
DISGUISE but BRUISE, YOUTH and HAUNT
BROOK but BROOCH and BROOD but BLOOD.
HOOD but MOOD and FOOD but FLOOD.
MINT but PINT and CORK but WORK,
DULL and GULL and HULL but FULL,
LULL and SKULL but BULL and PULL
OUR, FLOUR but TOUR and POUR.
We say BONE and LONE, but GONE
Pronounce like DON or DAWN.
TONE and STONE and THRONE but DONE,
PHONE and HOME and SCONE but NONE.
Now, reader, always bear in mind
The difference ‘tween WIND and WIND
(The latter rhymes with RIND and KIND).
BREATHE but BREATH and FEATHER, LEATHER,
LETHAL, NETHER; EITHER – TETHER;
GIDDY, GIVE but GESTURE and GIN.
BURY is pronounced like BERRY.
In CHASTE and CHOP and CHIN.
Quite different from “ch” in ANCHOR,
Which rhymes like TANKER and with BANKER.
CHEMIST – CHASM – CHOIR
COUGH and VOUCH and POUCH but TOUCH,
BUTCHER does not sound like CRUTCH.
OVER has the spelling of LOVER
And of GLOVE and DOVE and COVER.
HOVER is not pronounced like CLOVER.
Which sounds like DOVER and like ROVER.
LEVER rhymes with NEVER and SEVER,
Sounds quite different, however.
Now have a shot of EVIL – DEVIL,
REVEAL and REVEL: “on the LEVEL,”
DESERT and DESSERT, SOME and HOME.
TOMB and WOMB; BOMB but COMB,
LIFE – ALIVE – LIVE but LIVE.
GAUZE but GAUGE; BELIEVE but SIEVE,
SHOULD is different from SHOULDER;
The same applied to COULD and BOULDER.
BOUND but WOUND and RUSH but PUSH.
LUMBER – PLUMBER, RUSH but BUSH;
EVE but EWE and FROTH – BETROTH.
No “t” is heard in FASTEN, HASTEN,
Which make them rhyme with ARSON – MASON;
The same applies to LISTEN – SOFTEN;
NASTY – HASTY, FASTER – CHASER;
MASTER – PLASTER, TASTER – WASTER;
HOSE but LOSE; CANOE but WOE.
WORM but FORM and DOLL but TOLL,
HORSE but WORSE and LOST but POST,
COST and FROST but MOST and GHOST,
CALM but VALVE and BALL but PAL,
TALL but TALLY; GALL but GAL
STAR and BAR and PAR but WAR
I wonder if you want some more?
If so, try REALM – CREATED – TREATED
HEINOUS – FEIGN – WEIRD – VEIL – CONCEITED
SHEIK – SLEIGH – SLEIGHT – SKEIN – SWETED –
SEATED
DEBATE – ATE – SENATE. Can you beat it?
 I TAKE IT YOU ALREADY KNOW
Anonymous

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.
Well done! And now you wish perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead, is said like bed, not bead -
for goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,

Nor both in bother, or broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's doze and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart -
Come, I've hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Man alive!

I learned to speak it when I was five!
And yet to write it, the more I sigh,
I'll not learn how 'til the day I die.
 Here's An Easy Game To Play
Anonymous

Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame sir!

We'll find you Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
English is the Queerest
Language
By Anonymous

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese,
You may find a lone mouse or a whole nest of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But a bow if repeated is never called bine,
And the plural of vow is vows, never vine.

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,

And I give you a boot would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

If the singular’s this and the plural is these,

Should the plural of kiss ever be nicknamed keese?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,

So the English, I think, you all will agree,

Is the queerest language you ever did see.
De Chaos
by Gerard Nolst Trenité
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and
worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and
streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, won’t, want, grand, and
grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and
gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and
clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace,
gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough?
Though, through, plough, or dough, or
cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is - give it up!