NICOLE 2860

It was not my first suicide attempt ... but I can assure you
that it is surely the last. A month ago, I swallowed sleeping
pills in addition to my usual treatment, and gin with a side
dish of ginseng tea. I lay on the bed and all night I put the
"Coldplay" CD: "A Rush of Blood to the Head". I started by
sleeping like a log. Then, at one point in the night, I woke
up and got up, scared. I felt my whole body literally stop
functioning, starting with my brain. Each part was like a
room where you turn off the lights for the night (in fact
forever).
So I realized that my grandmother was going to see me
like that, with terror! So I tried to fight against death. I
kept thinking to myself, "No, it can't, I can't let her see me
lying on this bed, cold and waxy, my eyes open." I heard a
voice saying, "Lie down." As I returned to bed, I remember
looking far into space. My mind was blank, every part of
me physically stopped functioning, and I felt it. I just
couldn't die like this. The voice told me to lie down. To lie
down and wait.
So I tried to close my eyes, then saw myself in bed. I
imagine this is the Out of Body Exit. I saw myself from the
ceiling in spirit form, gazing at my physical body staring at
me with wide open eyes, truly dying, preparing to die ...
such a dark death!
Then I started to feel colors around my body, lavender,
purple, indigo, which gave me a comforting halo. It was
enchanting, beautiful, very loving. On the radio cassette I
continued to hear the song: "Daylight" ... I saw the divine
image haloed. A seraph, or God himself ... he was hovering
over my sleeping body (my mind returned to my body,
waiting to be taken away by the angels) and he said in the
most loving voice: "I cannot take you now my darling, I'm
sorry ”.
So I really stayed spiritually in my body. I saw myself still
staring at the ceiling at first, but I was in the hospital,
dressed entirely in black, with a little daisy on my front
pocket. My whole family came to see me. I was hooked up
to machines, I was barely breathing with a tube in my
mouth, I was so paralyzed, my whole body except the eyes
whose blank gaze stared at my family members. I saw
them all very clearly, they were all crying. I also heard the
same voice (God) saying, “I'm sorry sweetheart, but
sometimes when a person attempts suicide they find
themselves in a situation like this. This is what is
happening. " The voice was quite soothing, loving: I knew
this was a time to learn.
She concluded with a pleasant but rather prosaic: “You
will wake up, you will be one hundred percent healthy,
your brain will be 100% healthy, as it always has been, but
you will wake up very sick. Maybe that will encourage you
not to do it again. Please, please, your life is going to be
wonderful, I promise. You have no reason to worry, you
will not be homeless, on the street (I was always worried
about not having the bac, not being able to support
myself), it is a promise that I make you. Please trust me, I
promise never to let you down. "
My thoughts then danced in the velvet and darkness.
Shapes and universes literally devoured each other,
growing inside each other, celestial energy all the way,
stars dancing around each other ... stars exploding in light.
After that, I remember waking up as promised, with very
healthy thoughts. And as promised, I was horribly ill for
three days, throwing up all the time (it was the body's
defense to make sure I wasn't going to ingest anything
harmful again, I know that now). .. but after these three
days I recovered, regaining my usual health.
I was also inspired to write after my ordeal: as proof, this
text. This means that it doesn't matter who in this world:
gay, black, white, African or American, whoever you are ...
man, woman ... transsexual ... animal ... incestuous ...
WHO THAT EITHER or ANYTHING that was created is
LOVED BY GOD, and if this can dissuade anyone from
doing it ... if it brings hope somewhere, then I will have
done a good deed that I am doing. could be proud. So I
hope this will give people hope ... emotions and feelings
are really guiding forces. They are able to raise us from the
dead. Something as small as LOVE is yet very significant.
No one was a harsher and meaner critical tyrant to me
than myself. I've always been suicidal since I was twelve.
Last night was inevitable. Enough is enough. Perhaps He
"had" to prove that He reigns over life and death, and you
all can guess who it is, not just Jesus, not just God ... but
me. I had the power to destroy myself. Or to strengthen
me. Me.
I felt my whole body stop functioning, my brain stop, my
heart slow to a low beating. If you think I'm joking, that
I'm exaggerating, fine ... but that's how I felt last night.
I saw the preliminary stages of death. Even though one is
as sharp and sharp as Bill Maher, the angels surround you
and light the way there, and for good reason. When we
die, we need to be escorted through the astral realms.
Who better to do it than angels? There are more than 50
guarding me, I saw myself come out of my body, I was
raised several times in the air above my bed, up to the
ceiling, from where I looked my sleeping body.
That night, I watched my childhood go by. Immediately
afterwards, I felt my entire bedroom light up with
rainbows of purple and gold light. I could feel the
presence of God. He did not say: "You are going to burn in
hell, what you have done is wrong, you are bad" ... He said
to me: "I cannot take you right away my darling, you
haven't finished this life yet. You have to finish what you
came to do here. When you wake up you will be very sick,
but nothing is going to happen to you. " I remember the
very soft and subtle way he said "my darling", it was so
wonderful, as if God was in our time and at the same time
remained Himself. He had a soft feminine touch, God is
indeed both masculine and feminine energy, but it was
nice.
How could anyone love me? When I can't love myself?
Why then would God take time in his busy day to take
care of anything about me? Protect myself, yes, when I
made myself sick by drinking for days, without food,
without water, without anything ... but the alcohol that
shook my guts, just reminded me of how I was alone, sad,
excluded from the world.
So my Father, if I am your daughter, why have you allowed
me to prostitute myself in the street? Can you love
corrupt girls like me? I was brought back because my
heart wouldn't give up. This poor engine just didn't give
up.
So here I am again, hello everyone, I even have in my head
the Don Henley song "I’m taking you Home", here I am,
my friends, my first meeting with my angels and God! The
blood of love, of the lamb, whatever you call it, was still
flowing. Something kept me anchored in the physical
world, preventing me from leaving. I am here to do
something important.
On the other hand, in my life some people loved me, my
grandmother for example. I kept thinking, "Oh my God, if
she finds my body in the bed, my corpse, my lifeless
corpse ... how will she react, how will she feel when she
sees this? corpse while the CD of "Coldplay" is looping "?
It kept me anchored here. This image. It. Not even her ...
just the thought that she was going to see my remains
lying on this bed, dead, eyes fixed on the ceiling. My eyes
didn't close for part of the night. Most of the night. And I
understand, now ... everything.
She kept my heart from flying away. Love is stronger than
death. The same could be said of Jesus Christ. In order for
all to be saved, he gave his own life as the ultimate
sacrifice. Personally, I think God has come down more
than once, not just with Jesus ... but Jesus is very popular
with everyone.
I was lost in oblivion, black holes, dark landscapes, apathy,
yet my heartbeat kept me here, anchored on planet earth.
I love you all, stay strong, please. Keep moving. Someone
can hear you somewhere.
I kept seeing the color lavender, I felt so much love,
sadness, compassion, care ... together was a message, and
I felt like I had to learn something. As if someone in this
world is looking after me.
I have not seen either Heaven or Hell ... I have learned
that in reality there is no such thing as Hell. But I wasn't
allowed into heaven because it wasn't my time.
My family came to see me. Everything was merged. I had
access to the most important knowledge anyone can
know. I could fly. Again, I realize that whatever is
preached fear does not come from God. God is only love.
I've changed ... and I'm starting to believe in myself more.
If any of you are depressed then please read this and hang
on.