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Personal Relationships Wellness: The Love Project

Ivy Ly

Department of Child Development and Family Studies, California State University, Long Beach

CDFS 312: Personal and Family Development

Nicole Smith

May 10, 2021

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Introduction

The South Korean pop girl group, Twice, once said in their song, “What is Love?” Love

is an ambiguous word that has no definite meaning. How one individual perceives and displays

love can be different from another individual due to environmental, cultural, and family

influences. As such, this shapes people’s approach to forming and maintaining relationships with

significant others, friends, family, and peers. To create strong, healthy relationships with people,

one must recognize and understand what their perception of love is, how they express those

emotions, and the strengths they have while building relationships. This enhances

communication skills between two parties as they learn what the other party needs for them to

feel valid, desired, and understood.

What is Love?

Love starts within oneself because one cannot love others until they love themselves.

When an individual is full of insecurities and low self-esteem, they tend to project negative

feelings to the people around them, creating a harmful environment. They often become

defensive and blame others for their mistakes. It hurts their ego to admit that they are wrong.

Moreover, having a pessimistic mindset causes one to have self-doubt and feelings of

unworthiness, which leads to being closed off and rejecting help. To have an intimate

relationship, vulnerability is essential. For love to be reciprocated depends on the beliefs and

attitudes one has about themselves and on life. It starts with self-acceptance because by

accepting the flaws and imperfections one has, one learns to be their unapologetic selves. This

creates a nurturing and supportive backbone that allows an individual to hold themselves up. By

doing so, they can give love that is full of affection and respect.
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When it comes to love, many theories and perspectives explain the functions of

relationships. Gottman’s Four Horsemen describes the four ways of interacting that can sabotage

the communication between two people. The four horsemen include criticism, contempt,

defensiveness, and stonewalling (Olson et al., 2018, p. 300). Communication is an important

aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship because both parties have to share their opinions so

they have a better understanding of each other’s perspectives. When communicating, listening

has to be non-judgemental and objective to create a safe environment to be open/vulnerable. If

communication is one-sided or disparaging, it becomes challenging for the issue to be resolved.

Furthermore, attachment theory reveals how a child’s attachment to their caregiver develops their

social-emotional development. Depending on the caregiver’s level of responsiveness, a child

may have a different perception of needs being met. This shapes the child’s internal working

model, which is the cognitive framework for understanding self, others, and society in a negative

or positive attitude (Olson et al., 2018, p. 254). Although this theory originally applies to child

development, it can also be used in adult relationships. For example, Olson et al. (2018) share

that during secure attachment, individuals greet their loved ones with positive emotions. They

feel comfortable depending on others and feel worthy of love and respect. In an avoidant

attachment style, partners are inconsistent. This leads to trust issues and individuals have

difficulty depending on others. They also avoid getting close. Anxious-ambivalent attachment

style is neglectful. Partners become unreliable and are unable to commit to a relationship. They

worry that their partners do not love them, will not stay with them, are too needy, or have a fear

of abandonment (p. 254). The attachment style that individuals received as a child impacts their

concept of relationships and how to tend to other people’s needs. It constructs one’s
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understanding of responsiveness and responsibilities since caregivers are the first people to

introduce this concept to children.

Love in Pop Culture

One popular example of love shown in film is the movie Love Actually. It is a 2003

Christmas-themed romance-comedy written and directed by Richard Curtis. It follows the lives

of eight very different couples dealing with their love lives in various loosely interrelated tales all

set during a frantic month before Christmas in London, England. The main theme of the film is

love and it is depicted in several forms such as family, platonic, and unrequited love. In each

story, a person is either finding love or breaking down. Love Actually showcases family love

through stepfamilies, siblings, and marital betrayal. Platonic relationships and friendship are also

important aspects of this film. It exhibits male friendship and a relationship between a worker

and his manager. By including these relationships in the film, it demonstrates that when romance

relationships are not successful, friends are there to support you. Unrequited love is

demonstrated by crossing boundaries in a relationship. This is illustrated through a man

confessing his love to his best friend’s wife. Overall, the film shows that love is all around and

expressed in different ways. It reveals how love is not strictly expressed towards romantic

partners, but also to anyone that we genuinely care about. Moreover, it showcases that although

love brings people together, it could also tear them apart.

Likewise, a popular love song released in 2020 is “Stuck with U'' by Ariana Grande and

Justin Bieber which was inspired by the global lockdown due to the 2020 Covid-19 outbreak.

Some lyrics that convey love are, “So, lock the door and throw out the key/Can’t fight this no

more, it’s just you and me/And there’s nothin’ I, nothin’ I, I can do/I’m stuck with you, stuck

with you, stuck with you” (Chorus: Ariana Grande). The pandemic has made it increasingly
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difficult for individuals to feel connected with others because they lack social contact. “Stuck

with U” is a fun, uplifting song to make people feel less lonely and more appreciative of those

that we are with. People are either living with their families, significant others, housemates, or by

themselves. Although the lyrics do not directly state being in love, being physically stuck with

someone builds intimacy and creates a deep bond between each other. Love does not have to be

extravagant. Simply being with someone and spending quality time is enough to show that we

care about them. This song shows that it is the little moments in life that matter the most.

Although Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen, was released in 1813, it is a classic work

of literature (that is well known in the 21st century). It tells the story of Elizabeth Bennet, the

daughter of a country gentleman, and Fitzwilliam Darcy, a rich aristocrat landowner. Love is the

biggest theme in Pride and Prejudice and expresses that love can overcome anything such as

pride, prejudice, and social hierarchies. Through love, individuals can look past each other’s

prejudices and truly understand them as an individual outside their societal role. As a result, this

creates a support system for individuals to overcome boundaries together. Pride and Prejudice

provides a positive definition of love by encouraging individuals to not follow the “normal”

dynamics of a relationship.

Gender Roles and Love

From the lecture, gender is defined as a societal attitude and behavior expected of and

associated with one’s sex. It is a social construct that does not accurately represent an

individual’s identity. As a result, there are gender expectations and gender-role stereotypes that

are assigned at birth and enforced through biology, our families, and the environment. A

collective perspective on gender is masculine and feminine traits (or masculinity and femininity),

which are traditionally associated with men and women (Olson et al., 2018, p. 187) Some
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masculine attributes, behaviors, and roles include being strong, independent, and dominant.

Femininity describes a woman who is home-orientated, dependent, and emotional. Growing up

in an environment that conforms to gender-role stereotypes greatly impacts an individual’s role

in romantic relationships. Men and women have conflicting perspectives on the division of

housework, emotional, and mental work which may lead to an unhappy marriage. One study

done on how much housework each spouse does found that there are different estimates of times

they spent on household chores; wives do spend 9.4 more hours doing housework per week than

their husbands. Because of gender stereotypes, we as a society automatically assign gender-based

activities. Women clean and do laundry. Men are responsible for household maintenance. This

may explain why women still do most of the housework (Olson et al., 2018, pp. 190-191).

Furthermore, when men have to constantly present themselves as being “tough” to prove

their masculinity, they hide their emotions. This is how toxic masculinity develops. Men do not

have an environment to be vulnerable and to show interest in certain things because it might be

seen as “feminine.” This prevents men from being honest with themselves and expressing their

emotions. As for women, feminine traits create this stigma that hinders them of becoming both a

strong and feminine individual. Because both people feel tied down to their gender roles, it

restrains couples from reaching their fullest potential and inhibits effective communication.

These expectations and roles also create different parent-child interactions. According to

the Chapter 7 lecture, mothers use emotional language when talking to daughters about

relationships while using emotional language when talking to sons about learning. Compared to

females, males do not receive the same nurturing love because parents do not teach them how to

be in tune with their emotions. From childhood, both sexes are shown contrasting expressions

and experiences of love. Because of that, their perception of love greatly differs from each other
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and may become an issue when entering a romantic relationship. With clashing beliefs and

values, the couple will find themselves incompatible.

Reflection

Throughout the semester, I have become more aware of my relationships with others,

especially when it comes to family. According to my AWARE pre-and post-test results, there is a

significant increase in my knowledge of Midlife and Older Couples. It went from a 20% to 70%

positive agreement compared to family professionals. I have gained a deeper understanding of

the stressors and challenges of older adults and realized that these individuals undergo a major

transition in their lives concerning family and retirement. This opens up my perspective with

older family members and empathizes with their struggles.

As for my personal growth areas, my AWARE post-test highlights my strength in

Communication and Intimacy in where I had a 90% positive agreement. This score helps confirm

my comprehension of the importance of open and honest communication. Conflict is a normal

aspect of a healthy relationship and can be beneficial if handled productively. By sharing feelings

and finding a compromise, one can strengthen and improve a relationship. I highly value

communication because it gains a better understanding of the other person’s values and beliefs.

Moreover, it clears up confusion and indicates the intentions, needs, and wants of both parties.

Communication is the foundation of any relationship, and without it, the relationship becomes

unstable.

One way I plan on deepening the love I have in my relationships is to invite change,

small or big. Stagnant relationships are less satisfying and exciting because you do not feel as

connected or happy with the other person. To make my relationships more refreshing, I want to

interrupt routines by doing fun activities, such as visiting a museum, exploring a new city, or
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taking a class together. Although these changes are small and simple, it creates memorable

experiences while engaging in stimulating activities that bring people together.

Conclusion

Love is expressed in different forms and mediums, which is influenced by many factors.

One of them includes attachment styles because it affects how we respond to our responsibilities

and needs in a relationship. Additionally, pop culture shapes our definition and expectation of

life. What we see, hear, and read forms our perception of love since we are consuming and

applying this content to our lives. More importantly, gender roles in society can control the way

we decide to give and receive love. Men and women grow up with different expressions and

experiences of love, which may result in clashing values in (a) partnership or marriage. This

project contributed to my learning because I was able to deeply explore and discover what love

means to me. I had the chance to reflect on my life and all of my past and current relationships. I

now have a stronger connection to myself and the values that I stand for. To help expand and

strengthen societal deceptions of love, gender, and intimate relationships, people should have

more access to relationship counseling or therapy. During these sessions, individuals can develop

methods that help build and maintain healthy relationships while understanding themselves

better. So… what is love? If you were to ask Twice, the South Korean girl group would say,

“What does love feel like? I wanna know, they say you smile all day/ I wanna know, they say the

world becomes beautiful.”

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Reference Page

Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber – Stuck with U. (2020, May 08). Retrieved from

https://genius.com/Ariana-grande-and-justin-bieber-stuck-with-u-lyrics

Olson, D., DeFrain, J. & Skogrand (2018, 9th Edition). Marriages and families: Intimacy,

diversity and strengths. New York, NY: McGraw Hill Publishing.