My husband wants to spend my inheritance

money
Dear Patricia Marie, 

I recently unexpectedly inherited a large sum of money from an elderly lady for whom I used
to work as a housekeeper.  I had worked for her for the last five years, during which time we
had become quite close, as I seemed to be the only contact for her with the outside world, and
to my knowledge she had no living family.  I would sit and read to her and we would discuss
the day's news.  I would take her out sometimes to places she remembered from her youth
and we would laugh about some of her stories. However I had never even considered what
would happen in the event of her death, and when she died quite suddenly, I was very
distressed as I knew I would miss our time together.

My problem is that my husband has big plans for my inheritance, and I don't agree with
him.  I want to do something in her memory, and also give some of it to worthy causes which I
knew she supported.

My husband wants to spend, spend, spend.  I have always known that money changes people,
but I am actually quite disgusted with his manner over this. 

What should I do? 

Patricia Marie says...

Losing a friend is never going to be easy, especially one who you saw so regularly, and with whom
you had forged a strong bond. Keeping your own sense of calm and maintaining your friend's
memory are an important part of the grieving process. You are understandably angry because of the
pain your friend's death has caused, therefore, particularly sensitive to your husband's comments,
which merely reinforce your sorrow. I doubt he means to deliberately upset you, but possibly is
thinking that as you dedicated much of your time to this lady, you now deserve some enjoyment
from her kind gesture. Make him aware of your feelings - that you are not ready to make
extravagant plans yet, but are prepared to compromise. Hopefully he will understand that you would
appreciate his patience at this upsetting time. 

Firstly, it sounds like you need cheering up. So be extravagant for a day, and treat yourself to an
item you would never normally purchase. Perhaps an exquisite piece of jewellery which could
become a keepsake, and remind you of your friend each time you wear it.  She had probably taken
her own worthy causes into consideration, and had intended you to personally benefit from her
bequest, so enjoy it. Maybe treat your close friends and family to a meal or a theatre trip, and spend
some quality time with those you love, which will create a feel good factor.

Then put off making any further decisions regarding this inheritance until you are in a more focused
state of mind, when hopefully you and your husband can then look forward to having a rational
conversation about this matter. Finally - do consider, yes, it is your inheritance, but if you decide to
make any decisions without your husband, this may cause serious problems within your marriage,
which I feel would be the last thing your friend would have wanted when she wrote her will.

Submitted by Agony Aunt on 3 November, 2017 - 14:05

My husband brags about his former life

Dear Patricia Marie,

My husband spent his early 20's working away in the states doing all kinds of jobs, and he still
describes that period as the best time of his life. I find this to be so insulting since he's now
married to me and we have two lovely little children. Recently we were at a party when he
started bragging about his US years and I just lost it. How do I make him understand how
insensitive he's being? He also tells our friends at any given opportunity that he has always
been popular with the women and hasn't lost his charm. How dare he make such comments. I
do love him, but am beginning to think he's not the man I married, which is causing me to
resent him. I do not think he deserves me or our beautiful children. My friends think he is a
joke which is very embarrassing for me. Please can you offer me some advice.

Patricia Marie says...

A relationship shouldn't be a battle to see who has had the best experiences. It can also be difficult
to live with someone who gives the impression they have seen and done it all.  Sometimes when
things aren't going right, people tend to look back on the past with rose tinted-spectacles.  The need
for your husband to convince both yourself and others that he is highly thought of is a sign of
insecurity, and by shifting it and projecting it to you, he is reassuring himself. He is covering up his
lack of confidence by displaying unacceptable behaviour, typical of the sort of person who values
themselves so little they're always afraid they are not loved. The only way to work through such
anxiety is to work on self-esteem. Counselling will help, but first, he needs to admit he has a
problem which may not be easy.

You need to have a proper chat with your husband and make it clear that you are not a jealous
person but his constant trips down memory lane are wearing you down. Ask him how he would like
it if you were constantly reminiscing about the fun times you shared in the past with your friends.
You need to talk to each other and discuss what you can do to enhance your relationship: when
working hard to bring up a young family you can sometimes lose sight of each others needs as a
couple. Spend some special time together so as you can both feel loved and appreciated. Hopefully
your husband will begin to see he cannot continue to act in this way, as he could risk losing the life
he has now. Whilst memories are precious, the past cannot be allowed to intrude on the present.