Parenting styles and moral intelligence

Three paternal styles (authoritative, authoritarian and permissive) had direct associations with
moral intelligence

Moral Intelligence is what helps youth act right with or without our guidance, and the best news is that this critical
intelligence can be nurtured, modeled, reinforced and taught. Here are my 10 reasons why we must build our
students’ Moral IQ and recognize our children must have hearts as well as minds!

1. Nurtures  Good Character

The foundation to good character–or “moral intelligence”–consists of seven core virtues: empathy, conscience, self-
control, respect, kindness, tolerance, and fairness. These ultimately form our children’s character and are the
principles they’ll use to direct the course of their lives long after we are gone. Building Moral IQ is our best hope that
kids will have the foundation to good, solid character.
2. Teaches How Think and Act Right
In these troubling times, parents need to know ways to help their kids learn to not only think morally but also act
morally. After all, the true measure of character rests in our actions–not in mere thoughts. Moral Intelligence teaches
the specific moral habits that will get our kids on the right course so that they do act as well as think right.

3. Moral IQ Is Not Guaranteed

Moral IQ is learned, though developing it is far from guaranteed. To ensure kids acquire it, we must intentionally
model, nurture, reinforce, and teach it. If we don’t the result is tragic: an increase in insensitivity, dishonesty,
aggression, incivility, cruelty, hatred, and injustice. We must be deliberate.
4. Protects Against Toxicity
The truth is toxic influences are so entrenched in our culture that shielding kids from them is almost impossible.
That’s why it’s crucial to build Moral IQ. It will serve as their moral compass so they have deep-seated convictions to
stand by their choices and counter any pressures from inside or outside that go against the principles of good
character.
5. Teaches Critical Life Skills
Moral IQ is comprised of the skills needed to protect kids’ moral lives such as resolving conflicts, empathizing,
knowing right from wrong, asserting themselves, controlling anger, learning tolerance, negotiating fairly,
communicating respectfully, cooperating, using self control, sharing, and knowing right from wrong. These skills are
needed in all life arenas, and especially in today’s troubled world.
6. Creates Good Citizens
It’s important to remember that the most important measure of a nation is not its gross national product, its
technological genius, or its military might. It is the character of its people. Moral intelligence consists of seven
timeless virtues that are the bedrock of good citizenship and responsible living.

7. Counters Temptations
Moral Intelligence gives kids the power to counter outside and inside vices so that they do what’s right. It’s what helps
them navigate through the ethical challenges and pressures they will inevitably face throughout life and choose the
right moral choices so they do act right with or without adult guidance.

8. Prevents Violence and Cruelty

Of the 26 wealthiest countries, our youth are the most violent. And peer cruelty is rising. Yet we continue to erect
metal detectors and hire guards to “protect” students from themselves. The best protection is fortifying them with
Moral IQ and to teach three core virtues that lay the foundation for nonviolence: empathy, conscience, and self-
control. Without them, kids become time bombs just waiting for explode. We can’t afford not to build their Moral
Intelligence: it’s our best hope.

9. Inspires Good Behavior

Moral IQ is comprised of the essential moral virtues needed to help our kids become decent, caring, and respectful.
These seven virtues become a template for creating our kids’ character, guiding their actions, and ultimately defining
their reputations as caring, good human beings.

10. Shapes Moral Destinies

Moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children’s lifetimes. But the habits and beliefs of
Moral Intelligence we instill in our kids now will become their ethical foundation they’ll use forever. It is what will
greatly decide our children’s moral destinies and will be our greatest legacy.

Another study:

Young adolescence can be a troubling time. There are scores of disturbing indicators to prove it including the steady rise of impulsivity,
depression, suicide, violence, peer cruelty, and substance abuse. In addition we are seeing a growing rise in disrespect for authority,
incivility, vulgarity, cheating and dishonesty.

We’ve been relentless in our efforts to make a change. But in all our interventions the one area often overlooked is the moral intelligence of
the young adolescent. Moral intelligence consists of the personal, social, mental, emotional, and moral skills that make up solid character
and guide moral behaviours. It is the capacity to understand right from wrong. It means to have strong ethical convictions and to act on them
so that one behaves in the right and honourable way. Moral intelligence is what a young adolescent needs most to counter negative
pressures and do what’s right with or without adult guidance.

Cultivating moral intelligence may well be our best hope. The latest research confirms strong moral character can be learned and how
teaching it can enhance our students' pro-social behaviours and replace negative ones. However, teachers are not their students’ most
powerful moral instructors – parents are. Unfortunately, parents often don’t use their influence due to misconceptions. These seven parenting
myths are especially deadly to kids’ Moral IQ:

7 Deadly Myths About Raising Moral Kids

MYTH 1: Moral intelligence develops naturally.

One thing is certain: kids aren't born with moral intelligence. Moral IQ is learned! The best school for learning the critical habits of solid
character is always in the home. Too often parents assume these habits develop naturally: and it's a major misconception. To ensure kids
acquire strong moral habits and beliefs, parents must intentionally model, reinforce, and teach the virtues and habits comprising Moral IQ.
Unless they do, chances are their kids won't acquire them, and they'll be left morally defenceless.

MYTH 2: How kids turn out is all in the genes.

Most of us would agree there are some "givens" we can't change about our kids, such as their genetic makeup and their innate
temperament. But even those are not etched in stone. Research verifies it. One 12-year study of 72-pairs of genetically related adolescents
found their biological tendencies could be either be encouraged or stifled depending on how their parents responded to them. The bottom
line: biology is not destiny if parents realize that a good deal of how kids turn out rests in how they treat their kids. If kids are treated morally
and deliberately taught moral skills and beliefs, researchers say chances are high they will become moral. But the first critical step is for
parents to realize they do make a difference in how their kids turn out.

MYTH 3: Moral beliefs are set by early teens.

Research confirms moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children's lifetimes. In fact, current studies say the
part of the brain where conscience is formed isn't fully developed in males until 21 years of age. The adolescent years are when kids need
adult guidance about tough moral choices most. So moral-building endeavours must be continuous and not stop during those teen years
when parents often erroneously believe their kids' moral growth has stopped.

MYTH 4: Peers influence kids' morals more than parents do.

Scores of studies-including ones by the American Academy of Pediatrics - report that while peers do have a huge moral influence, parents
influence their kids on moral issues that matter most such as religion, education, and values. Peers influence deals more with daily issues
such kids' entertainment, music, and dress choices. Parents must recognize they can still have the inside track in their children's moral
development because they can have the closest relationship, if they chose to nurture it. The bottom line: peers will be a bigger moral
influence if parents allow them to be. And today's parents can't afford to make that mistake.

MYTH 5: Intelligent kids turn out morally intelligent.

Intelligence does not guarantee moral behaviour. If you need proof just think of brilliant leaders-such as Hitler, Stalin, Lenin-who were also
evil. If parents are to succeed in raising moral children they must help their kids not only think morally but also act morally. And that means
they must deliberately teach their kids critical Moral IQ skills such as resolving conflicts, empathizing, managing anger, negotiating fairly,
using self-control, etc. We've always known that the true measure of character rests in our actions-not in mere thoughts. Unless children
know how to act right, their moral development is defective. And that knowledge rests not in their IQ score but in what they've been taught.

MYTH 6: Moral growth starts at school age.

A common mistake parents make is waiting until their kids are 6 or 7- the so-called Age of Reason-to build their moral IQ. By then poor moral
habits have formed and are so much harder to break. The fact is parents can start enhancing kids' moral growth when they are toddlers.
Although at that age they certainly don't have the cognitive capacities to handle complex moral reasoning, that's when the rudiments of moral
habits-such as exercising self-control, being fair, showing respect, sharing, and empathizing-are first acquired. So the earlier parents begin
cultivating their kids' moral capabilities the better the chance they have of raising good moral beings.

MYTH 7: Previous generations didn't build kids’ Moral IQ, so parents today shouldn't have to.
Today's kids are being raised in a much more morally toxic atmosphere than previous generations for two reasons. First, a number of critical
social factors that nurture moral character are slowly disintegrating: adult supervision, models of moral behaviour, spiritual or religious
training, meaningful adult relationships, personalized schools, clear national values, community support, stability, and adequate parents.
Second, our kids are being steadily bombarded with outside messages that go against the values we are trying to instil. Both factors make it
much harder for parents to raise moral kids.

Today's parents can no longer sit back and assume their kids become decent human beings. Deliberately teaching the moral virtues and
habits that make-up strong Moral IQ is the best assurance parents have that their kids will lead moral lives. Their first step is dispelling seven
deadly myths so their kids do turn out moral.

Test a Young Adolescent’s Moral IQ

Here’s a quiz to asses how well your young adolescent is developing this essential Moral IQ that he/she will need for living ethically in today’s
troubling times.

The Young Adolescent (without adult reminders or coaxing) regularly:

Answer with a Yes or No

____ Shows sensitivity and has a lot of feeling for others.

____ Tries to see things from the other person's view, not just his/her own.

____ Is honest and trustworthy; can be counted on to keep his/her word.

____ Feels shame or guilt about his/her wrong actions; accepts the blame.

____ Easily calms down when excited or angry; copes with behavioural impulses

____ Behaves appropriately without reminders; thinks before acting.

____ Treats everyone respectfully and courteously; no back talk or sass.

____ Shares, helps, or comforts others with expecting something in return.

____ Is open-minded: listens to all sides before forming opinions.

____ Focuses on the positive traits of others instead of their differences.

____ Tries to solve problems fairly and peacefully; willing to compromise.

If you checked less than 8 "yes" it means the young adolescent’s moral IQ could use some boosting. And the best news is that this
intelligence can be taught. It's never too early - or late - to begin.

The Step-By-Step Plan to Building Moral Intelligence

Regardless of who has the greatest moral influence, all follow the following step-by-step plan for teaching young adolescents the seven
critical virtues they will need to do what is right and resist any pressures that may defy the habits of good character:

1. EMPATHY - Identifying with and feeling other people’s concerns.

Step 1: Foster awareness and an emotional vocabulary.
Step 2: Enhance sensitivity to the feelings of others.
Step 3: Develop empathy for another person’s point of view.

2. CONSCIENCE – Knowing the right and decent way to act and acting in that way.
Step 1: Create the context for moral growth.
Step 2: Teach virtues to strengthen conscience and guide behaviour.
Step 3: Foster moral discipline to help kids learn right from wrong.

3. SELF-CONTROL – Regulating your thoughts and actions so that you stop and prec from within
or without and act the way you know and feel is right.
Step 1: Model and prioritize self-control to your child.
Step 2: Encourage your child to become his/her own self-motivator.
Step 3: Teach your child ways to deal with temptations and think before acting.

4. RESPECT – Showing you value others by treating them in a courteous and considerate way.
Step 1: Convey the meaning of respect by modeling and teaching it.
Step 2: Enhance respect for authority and squelch rudeness.
Step 3: Emphasize good manners and courtesy – they do count!

5. KINDNESS – Demonstrating concern about the welfare and feelings of others.

Step 1: Teach the meaning and value of kindness.
Step 2: Establish a zero tolerance for meanness and nastiness.
Step 3: Encourage kindness and point out its positive effect.

6. TOLERANCE – Respecting the dignity and rights of all persons, even those beliefs behaviours
we many disagree with.
Step 1: Model and nurture tolerance from an early age.
Step 2: Instil an appreciation for diversity.
Step 3: Counter stereotypes and do not tolerate prejudice.

7. FAIRNESS – Choosing to be open-minded and to act in a just and fair way.

Step 1: Treat your kids fairly.
Step 2: Help your child learn to behave fairly.
Step 3: Teach your child ways to stand up against unfairness and injustice.

Dr. Michele Borba is an educational consultant and author who has conducted parent and teacher
seminars to over half a million participants. Her latest book is Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven
Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing (Jossey Bass Publishers). Information on her
publications and seminars can be accessed through her Web site, www.moralintelligence.com.