BDSM / Kink and Arousal

In their book Rewriting the Rules1, Meg-John Barker quotes Gayle Rubin (1984):

“​Most people find it difficult to grasp that whatever they like to do sexually will be thoroughly
repulsive to someone else, and that whatever repels them sexually will be the most
treasured delight of someone, somewhere… Most people mistake their sexual preferences
for a universal system that will or should work for everyone.​”

Introduction

BDSM - Bondage and Discipline (B/D), Domination and Submission (D/s) and Sadism and
Masochism (S/M) - is a term used to describe a range of practices or a lifestyle that is
characterised by the consensual exchange of power, role play and often intense sensory
stimulation (or deprivation). It is a kind of umbrella term for forms of sexuality that include
restraint, pressure, sensation, and elements of power exchange between people.

As the homeodynamic model comes into play with sex in general, so to does it with
BDSM/Kink, whether or not there is sex involved. As we know, embracing the
homeodynamic model:

“Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological, social, economic,

political, cultural, legal, historical, religious and spiritual factors” so also in BDSM. It should
though be noted that not all BDSM/Kink is sexually based. Some practices / scenes do not
engage in sex at all.

The body is involved in the physical aspects, as is the emotions with relationships. For some
participation brings greater sexual desire, as interplay off relationships are managed, along
with power and control. Amongst everything communication skills are vital. BDSM/Kink can
also help in recovering from shame, which is where the brain comes in. Plus the mind can be
caught up with the challenge BDSM/Kink brings to social, cultural and religious belief, sexual
preferences, desires, attractions, tastes, along with the impact of societal censure, not being
seen as a “normal” pastime.

A distinction can be made between the sexual and the erotic. There are many practices and
activities that are not sexual, though may be experienced as highly erotic. An example, being
restrained and put on display need not involve anyone's genitals or any actual bodily contact,
but can result in an intensely pleasurable and exciting experience. For those who do engage
sexually with BDSM/Kink, the following quote is relevant:

Sexual health: “a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to
sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health
requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as

1
Rewriting the Rules, Meg-John Barker, Routledge; 2 edition; Mar. 2018

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the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion,
discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual
rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled​.”2

In 2005, Margie Nichols wrote, “in many ways the BDSM community of the early 21st century
resembles the gay community of the 1970s, and individuals who struggle with BDSM desires
experience a similar internalized shame about their sexuality” (2005, p. 292). Similarly the
limited research done, as that of early LGBTQ research, has been based on single troubled
individuals in a specific situation, that are then applied across the board.

Although recently de-pathologised in the DSM V, and is now viewed less critically in the
World Health Organisation’s (WHO) ICD-11, BDSM/Kink continued to be pathologised in the
WHO’s ICD-10, so unfortunately the myths still continue concerning the BDSM/Kink
practice/lifestyle within the therapy community and beyond, as it can take a while for new
approaches to be accepted. Here I hope to break down some of the myths.

Much of society and culture sees the world in a binary3 way. Right and wrong. Good and
bad. Female and male. Likewise gender and sex fall into this viewpoint. So that many see
BDSM/Kink as wrong, as being bad. Questions come as to who decides this? However, if we
can move away from a binary view, towards a much less restrictive view of human sexuality,
we are more able to embrace a diversity of the sexual and erotic. It is my hope readers will
gain encouragement toward reflecting and exploring their own belief systems around BDSM.
I will examine some of the BDSM and kink practices and consider the meanings these may
have for our clients. I will though concentrate more on the principles, than the specific
practices. Before getting into what BDSM/Kink is about, I want to clarify guiding principles
that underpin Kink.

Safe, Sane and Consensual

Safe, Sane and Consensual - title of a wonderful book4, but also a crucial strap line for the
values of BDSM and kink. I will look at each separately, though like a lot of things when
looked at individually something is often lost, as they overlap considerably. As well as values
and actions being focused on behaving in ways that are “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”
(SSC), an alternate phrase is “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink” (RACK) and more recently,
“Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution” (4Cs)5 (Williams et al., 2014).

Safe

This is about the safety of all involved. Physical safety. Emotional safety. Psychological
safety.

2
Becoming a Kink Aware Therapist,
3
​ ife Isn't Binary, Meg-John Barker and Alex iantaffi, Jessica Kingsley Publishers; Mar. 2020
L
4
Safe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism, D. Langdridge
(Editor), Meg Barker (Series Editor), Palgrave Macmillan; 2007
5
​ illiams et al., 2014
W

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Some may wonder about safety, when aspects of BDSM/Kink can be about pain. The type
and degree of any pain is though consensual. It is sought after, rather than being imposed
on someone. I recognise that may seem bizarre to anyone not familiar with BDSM/Kink.
They may also worry, not only about pain, but about bondage or restrictions on breathing,
breath play and asphyxia.

Safety though is a relative concept, as even vanilla sex carries risks. Penises can get
damaged through vigorous thrusting and then ‘snapping’ if one hits the pubic bone rather
than entering resulting in Peyronies, and people often have injuries from falling over or off
the bed, or bruised throats or tired jaw muscles from vigorous oral sex. So sex isn’t safe.

People need to consider risks and consent. Which is perhaps why SSC has fallen out of
favour for some, with more people talking now about RACK or 4cs

BDSM/Kink is not necessarily sexual. Sometimes it can be about power. Though it is not
power over, in the way power is often viewed, as that would be abusive. Whilst from the
outside BDSM/Kink may be thought of and viewed as abusive, the BDSM/Kink community
are very keen to protect participants from any kind of abuse. BDSM/Kink is where one
participant submits willingly to another. They are not submitting because another wants them
to, but rather because they wish to be submissive (often referred to as a submissive or
Slave), having sought someone who is willing to dominate (often referred to as a Dominant
or dominant) them for a specific activity and time period, commonly known as a scene,
wherein a particular type of “play” occurs. Power is exchanged. The submissive hands over
some control and yet can take it back at any time. Trust is crucial here.

A submissive needs to be careful when choosing a BDSM Dominant. Both should be

sufficiently educated, trained and aware to notice if a submissive has some unresolved
trauma that may be behind the desire to be dominated or be caused pain. They would then
not start the scene, signposting the person to an understanding counsellor / therapist. If this
does not happen then the possibility of abuse is present. Many kinky abuse survivors find
BDSM/Kink extremely helpful in processing their emotions. An example shown later.

A Dominant should not be out to inflict pain on others for their own satisfaction, more as a
service, only as wanted, having deep concern present for their submissive, there being what
might be termed genuine or perhaps great compassion between all participants.

Whilst some of us may not see any pleasure in pain being administered to ourselves, it is
certain, in my reading, that for some there is pleasure, even ecstasy from receiving pain.
Three quotes from submissive practitioners, show differing perspectives on the pain
received:

“​I use the word ‘intense sensation,’ it’s more than pain, it’s the energy in the sensations. It
has always been an amazing spiritual connection with myself, blissful. It’s beyond pain.
There is a ritualistic aspect which is very spiritually charged. (Interview, slave L, 2016)​”

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“​The pain is there, but, within a short time it morphs into an embodied meditation. But it is
not like a mental meditation, it’s both out of and in the body. I am flying, free, ecstatic, but
fully in the body. (Interview, slave C, 2014)​”

“​I came across an online group who called themselves ‘The healthy self-masochist.’ Seeing
the spin on the use of words healthy with masochism gave me an insight to affirming my
experiences in a positive way. I was able to affirm for myself, yes I enjoy these things, these
things come from a healthy place. (Interview, slave L, 2016)​”

To Check against possible abuse there are questionnaires to aid in this, such as the
Shahbaz-Chirinos Healthy BDSM Checklist6, where there is a set of questions that can be
used to help determine if abuse is present. BDSM and abuse are not the same. It is
unfortunate that books and films such as the “Fifty Shades” series imply that it was Christian
Grey’s youthful abuse that contributed to his desire to be a BDSM Dominant.

“It is often difficult to detect when BDSM is being used in an abusive fashion, particularly if
the activities involved are ones that ​‘squick’7 the therapist.”8 This is where another person
feels discomfort from hearing about another’s pleasure. A saying is “Don’t Yuk someone
else’s Yum” or “your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok”.

Part of staying safe is being aware of the equipment being used. Is it in good condition? Is it
well designed and constructed to fulfill its purpose? Also, an awareness of surroundings. Is
anything likely to get in the way? Plus an avoidance of alcohol and drugs that would inhibit a
person's awareness of everything. Both the Dominant, so they are in control of themselves
and the submissive so they know if things do go too far for them, so they can appropriately
use the agreed safe words.

Sane

This is where fantasy and reality are kept separate. People ideally will not confuse any
exercise of power exchange negotiated within a BDSM/Kink relationship outside of that
context. Part of recognition of this difference is what can make a play scene transformative.
This may not work for everyone. I'm quoting it to show the possibilities of BDSM. From Safe,
Sane and Consensual9:

“​We can script a scene so we get to be child, parent, brat, hero, bully, betrayer, cops,
criminals, prisoners, interrogators, priests - the possibilities are endless. We can also get to
feel a particular emotion: rage, pathos, grief, shame, cunning, predatory, helpless, hapless,
omnipotent. A friend of mine once set up a scene with four gay men she knew. She asked

https://www.pdffiller.com/jsfiller-desk14/?projectId=409917701#40d9ed24cf0918d651701cfae61fc25e
7
squick - combination of the words 'squeamish' and 'icky'.
8
​ argie Nichols, 2005
M
9
​ afe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism, D.
S
Langdridge (Editor), Meg Barker (Series Editor), Palgrave Macmillan; 2007

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them to tie her firmly to a padded table so she could struggle as hard as she could while they
flogged her and shouted every insult they could think of that men have shouted to women -
cunt, bitch, on the rag and so on. What she wanted to experience fully was her rage, and so
she did, screaming and struggling,yelling back, a burning ball of fury safely tied to the safely
padded table. They played it through till they were all exhausted, and my friend felt she had
accomplished her purpose to completely express her rage at the sexism she had been
subjected to all her life. Note that she specifically chose gay men as her tormentors -
hetrosexual men might have been a little too threatening​.”

“Sagarin and his associates (2009) also reported findings that BDSM practices contribute to
health benefits related to stress management, evidenced in decreased cortisol levels. They
suggest the “flow” described by BDSM practitioners is similar psychobiologically to the “high”
described by athletes and spiritual “peaks” meditators experience. In attempts to further
explain these results, Sagarin and his team propose that BDSM may be transformative.”

Consensual

People talk about consent being a crucial part in all relationships. However, within BDSM it is
treated with a level of seriousness and detail not always present in many other places.

If consent is not present, it's not BDSM, it's abuse. Without full consensual understanding, by
all participants in a scene, it's either abuse of another or self-abuse.

On her Sexplanations YouTube channel, Dr Lindsay Doe interviews Midori regarding sexual
negotiations that take place within BDSM/Kink relationships. See ​Sexual Negotiations with
Midori​ for a 17 minute video on the topic, outlining communication skills applicable in all
sexual relationships.

Another help towards consent is the Yes-No-Maybe list. We did something similar for sex in
general in Year One. This list is specifically for BDSM/Kink. Click the link to read a four page
PDF of things to consider. ​Yes, No or Maybe​.

Betty Martin's ​website​ is another wonderful place to learn and further develop consent.

For some BDSM/Kink practitioners this discussion of consent is very arousing, along with
anticipation of what's to come is. Compared to heterosexual consent, which is often a yes or
no to having sex in general, without much specifics, BDSM consent is vastly different. As
portrayed in the videos above, not only what is going to happen is talked about, there is also
the how, where, when, plus length of time. Take flogging, for example. What type of whip.
Soft, gentle, hard strokes. Where, as in which part of the body, buttocks, back, front. When,
as in the first part of the scene or later. Length of time, 1 minute, 2 minutes, longer or
perhaps how many strokes. Also, there are safe words chosen, which when used the
Dominant will immediately slow down or stop whatever they are doing. Often yellow and red.

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Such discussions are had about every aspect of a play scene, continuing throughout. If they
are not then I'd have concern as to whether the participants are experienced or trained
enough. If a client mentioned not having such consensual discussion prior and during a
scene I'd offer a caution toward looking for a different Dominant or submissive or getting
further BDSM/Kink education.

After care

Following a scene after care is crucial, for both the submissive and the Dominant. Physical
care may be needed. Also emotional and psychological support. Perhaps just a hug is
needed. Sometimes greater support is required. Water, food are helpful.

BDSM / Kink - what exactly are they?

Here’s a non graphic introduction (5 minute 44 seconds) - ​BDSM 101

Another ​video​ from Dr Lindsay Doe, interviewing and displaying some BDSM/Kink
equipment.

And here are some further images of equipment.

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Counselling/Therapy

Many studies suggest that counsellors who have negative misconceptions about people
involved or interested in BDSM/kink, are largely unfamiliar with key research findings on
BDSM/kink relationships and practices, plus there can also be a lack of basic clinical skills
needed to provide adequate care for people involved or interested in BDSM/kink.
Unfortunately this can result in unethical clinical practices and ineffective or harmful
therapeutic outcomes.

In an ​article​ Y. Gavriel Ansara identified five essential clinical skills for trauma psychotherapy
with people interested or involved in BDSM/kink:
1. understanding and identifying BDSM/kink relational roles and headspaces
2. distinguishing BDSM/kink from abuse

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 3. understanding and identifying key components of non-abusive BDSM/kink
relationships
4. determining the clinical salience of BDSM/kink
5. and identifying and managing freefall

There isn’t space here to detail these skills. Please take the time to read the linked article.

Further considerations are:

Who is coming to see you? An individual? A couple? A group or community? What are they
coming for?

When someone comes to see a counsellor regarding BDSM/Kink one thing to determine is
are they a BDSM/Kink practitioner themselves, seeking to understand their feelings
regarding that. Or perhaps they are the partner of someone involved in or who wishes to be
involved in BDSM/Kink. Are they hoping you’ll perform some kind of reparative therapy for
the partner who wants to or is engaged in BDSM/Kink? We, of course, do not engage in
reparative therapy. The book When Someone you Love is Kinky can be helpful in helping the
partners to understand each other more.

Something to take into the counselling room, is that if a client/s comes to see us regarding
their experiences with BDSM/Kink, we must not make assumptions about their motivation or
be dismissive and try to “fix” them, by implying that what they may have experienced or
desire is wrong. We do though need to be thoroughly aware of the possibility of abuse and
check that is not occurring. See above for a checklist to assist in this.

As counsellors/therapists we need to decide early on if a client comes to us about some

aspect of BDSM, do we or do we not feel able to work directly with the BDSM/Kink
community? If not we need to be aware of counsellors who are experienced working with the
BDSM community who we can signpost a client to.

Conclusion and Communities

BDSM/Kink is hugely complex. This essay is but an introduction. If this essay has sparked
an interest in any aspect of BDSM/Kink, I'd recommend further study before engaging in
counselling clients. Likewise, if you felt a personal desire to be involved. The books listed in
the references will be helpful in that, plus courses, such as those from Pink Therapy10. Sites
such as ​fetlife.com​ (NSFW) can be enlightening too. There is a ​newbie and novices​ group
there that may be helpful.

References​:

10
https://pinktherapy.org/product/bdsm-kink/
​

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Life Isn't Binary, Meg-John Barker and Alex iantaffi, Jessica Kingsley Publishers; Mar. 2020

Rewriting the Rules, Meg-John Barker, Routledge; 2nd edition; Mar. 2018

Safe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism, D.

Langdridge (Editor), Meg Barker (Series Editor), Palgrave Macmillan; 2007

Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities, David M. Ortmann

and Richard A. Sprott, Rowman & Littlefield; 2013

Trauma psychotherapy with people involved in BDSM/kink: Five common misconceptions

and five essential clinical skills, Y. Gavriel Ansara, PhD Psychol, MSc Soc Psychol, MCouns,
BA Intl & Cross-Cultural Health with African Studies, Dip Adv Clin Family Therapy, CCTP-II,
CFTP, Ansara Psychotherapy & Imanadari Counselling Melbourne Branch;

When Someone you Love is Kinky, Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press,
2000

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