SECTION III: PARENTING
SELF REPARENTING
Theory and Process
Muriel James, Ed.D.
Self reparenting is a procedure for
updating and restructuring the Parent ego
state. It includes both a theory and a process
and is related to Berne's differentiation
between parental behavior and behavior that
comes from a Parent ego state. In my private
practice I have found this differentiation is
often important, both in diagnosis and
treatment.
PARENTING AND THE PARENT EGO
STATE
Parent ego states are "borrowed from
parental figures and reproduce the feelings,
behavior, and responses of these figures." I
They are experiential, behavioral, and civil
realities: you can find the telephone number
of a Paren 1.2
Parental behavior is not always from the
Parent ego state. Parental behavior may
come from any ego state, and be uniquely
different for different people. Berne clarified
this: "The pointed index finger may be a
Parental admonition, an Adult indicator, or a
Child's accusation."? This may be one
reason that "parenting styles vary with
different cultures.?" The most intelligent
parenting often comes from using the Adult
as a substitute parent or as an executive
determining when and how behavior from
the Parent ego state is appropriate.
The accusation "You're in your Parent"
that some people make toward others who
shake their fingers is simply not universally
32
true. Berne again writes that a therapist,
playing a supportive Parent role, may really
be in the Child ego state, "very much like a
little boy playing doctor.'?"
Consequently I believe it is useful for
both therapists and patients to know the
difference between using some kind of
parental behavior (which can come from any
of their ego states) and functioning from
their unique Parent ego state as their parents
once functioned. "The Parent ego state is 1)
a biological reality and 2) a transmitter of
rules and traditions that mainly favor the
survival and betterment of the human
species.':" not a little boy or girl playing at
being a parent. This fact was recognized by
one client, who when speaking of her brutal
parents, said, "They were so incredibly
horrible, but some parent figure up there in
my top circle must have sometime done
something that was OK. Otherwise, I'd be
dead now."
RATIONALE FOR SELF REPARENTING
I firmly believe that whatever is OK in
that "top circle" needs to be affirmed as
such and used appropriately. The OKness in
the Parent gives the Child some comfort and
encouragement. It may not be much, but
even if it's something like, "Mom was an OK
cook even though she was kind of crazy," or
"Dad was good at reading stories to me
when I was little even if he was mean when
he was drunk."
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974

Babies do not need to be thrown out with
the bathwater. Patients don't need to be
discarded for a parent to get well. "Patients
get well when they learn how to parent
well."? The old parents in the Parent ego
state, being historical figures, cannot be
updated but through the self reparenting
process the ego state can be restructured.
When people learn to parent well they have
developed a New Parent ego state which, in
this process, includes the old parents.
Knowing there was something OK about
their natural parents accelerates the self
reparenting and the re-education of the
Child.
The process is called self reparenting
because each client independently decides
what the New Parent ego state will be. When
beginning treatment it is not unusual for
clients to talk about their parents as though
looking at them through rose-colored glasses.
This is natural. They were once children; and
children, looking for Santa Claus, expect
"perfect" parents. When the Adult is plugged
in they recognize the humanness of all
people and give up that delusion.
"Children begin by loving their parents,
later they judge them, sometimes they
forgive them.?" During the process of self
reparenting, clients often start to judge their
parents (if they have not already done so).
They do this phenomenologically from their
Child, sometimes aided by gestalt
techniques, and analytically from their
Ad u It, using specific data-processing
techniques. Eventually clients forgive and
once more love their parents because they
understand how it happened; have kept what
is OK in their Parent; and defused what is
not-OK by developing a New Parent.
SELF REPARENTING AND REGRESSIVE
REPARENTING
Throughout the process of self
reparenting, a person's Adult is the
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974
SELl- REPARI:NTING
executive, even if techniques to regress the
Child are used. This is very different from
the Schiff process of reparenting." In the
Schiff modality, the historical parents are
excluded from the Parent ego state and the
therapist becomes the new Parent, sending
better messages to the Child than the
original parents once did. This can be very
useful. A difficulty may arise, however, if
unsolved problems in the therapist's ego
states are also incorporated.
In self reparenting, the natural parents are
recognized and accepted for what they were.
They, like all parents, exhibited some critical
and nurturing behavior; some rational Adult
behavior, and some Free and some Adapted
Child behavior. As the frequency, intensity,
and appropriateness of this behavior varies
from individual to individual, a New Parent
is created by the Adult to balance off the
negative characteristics - but not to get rid
of the old parents who were less than
perfect. Using the Adult as executive allows
for a friendly divorce, as recommended in
Games People Play ~ 0 instead of a hostile
one.
DIAGNOSIS OF THE PARENT EGO
STATE
Ego states can be diagnosed four ways:
behaviorally, socially, historically, and
phenomenologically. The use of Dusay's
egogram 1 1 is effective for behavioral and
social diagnosis and for changing parental
behavior, if that is contracted for. Berne says
historical diagnosis is also needed. Without
this, the new behavior can be a new mask, an
adaptation that the Child puts on to please
others rather than a restructuring of the
Parent ego state.
Historical diagnosis can start in many
ways, including Berne's question.V "Which
of your parents...," followed by a specific,
such as, "hit you with uncontrolled anger as
you say you did to your son last week?" Or
33
MURIEL JAMES, Ed.D.
it can start with a question, such as, "Did
any of your parents frown, as you are now
frowning, to get you to obey?"
If the patient says, "None of my parent
figures did that, but I do," the behavior is
not from the Parent ego state; it is probably
from the Child. In the first example above, it
could be the Child playing a brutal parental
role. In the second example, although the
frown may look parental, it could also be
the Child who wants to be seen as "Trying
hard."
If people become aware that when they
are in their Parent ego state, they use
behavior incorporated from their significant
parent figures in childhood, they can, by
using their Adult, freely choose when, how,
and with whom to use such behavior. When
they become aware that their parental
behavior may be coming from their Child or
Adult they can also choose whether or not
to use it. "Child and Parent are distinct
personalities, each with its own separate and
complete organization; they are not
necessarily opposed to each other, they are
simply in many respects inconsistent with
each other.t"?
When developing a New Parent a person
will, in essence, imagine reducing the parents
in their ego state so that there is room for a
New Parent who will replace part of the old
one. The New Parent will have positive
qualities, planned by the Adult to balance
the negative qualities incorporated from
their historical parents. This process can be
conceptualizedas shown in figure 1.
Old Parent Self Reparented
Figure I
34
All ego states are subject to change and
many people unknowingly incorporate
significant parent figures throughout their
lives. These can be part of a New Parent.
THE NEED FOR A NEW PARENT
Every body may need milk, but not
everyone needs a New Parent. A rapid
technique to discover whether or not a New
Parent is appropriate is to ask the following
questions:
What are five words to describe your
mother, the way you perceived her when
you were little?
What are five words to describe your
father, the way you perceived him when you
were little?
Did you have other significant parent
figures or people who took care of you when
you were little? If so, who were they? What
words would describe them?
(The third set of questions above is
necessary to determine how many people are
in a person's Parent ego state and how they
were perceived by the person.)
If the adjectives selected are positive, the
client will exhibit these same positive
characteristics when in the Parent ego state
and may not need a New Parent. If negative,
these characteristics will also be exhibited
and may be an indication that a New Parent
is needed. Most people seem to have a mix
of positives and negatives in their Parent ego
state. These can be separated so that the
positives can be consciously used and the
negatives balanced off by the potent New
Parent. The adjectives originally used may
later be seen as distortions, but this can be
verified during the decontamination process.
Predudice, for example, is most often
associated with the Parent ego state. On the
social level it may appear that way when
actually it can be coming from the Child.
With historical diagnosis, the ego state where
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974

it originates and the reason for the particular
prejudice becomes clear.
CASE ILLUSTRATION
Bill, an engineer working with an
interracial group of scientists, often
displayed strong prejudice against people of
other races. He was belligerent, demanding,
and used many distancing techniques with
others. Bill was "sent" to treatment to
discover why this was so. As he wanted to
keep his job, Bill was willing to make a
decontamination contract to discover which
ego state in him used this behavior, how, and
why.
In two sessions of historical diagnosis, Bill
decided that it was his Child acting "as
though it were a parent." According to Bill,
his parents had been easygoing, had not been
demanding, and seemingly had little
prejudice. (This was verified through Bill's
brother who worked well with people of
other races.)
Bill had made a childhood decision to act
like a "bossy" parent because as a little boy
he had been the oldest child in an interracial
neighborhood and was able to get away with
it.
When Bill discovered his prejudical
behavior was a contamination due to his
childhood experiences and decisions, he
redecided:
That he would use his Parent ego state
and be easygoing like his real parents were
instead of his bully Child.
That his bully Child could be restrained
by his Adult.
That he did not need to have everything
his way (as he had in his childhood
neighborhood).
That he would enjoy getting closer to
people of different races.
THE NEED FOR A NEW PARENT
The rationale for developing a New
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974
SELF REP ARENTING
Parent as part of the old Parent ego state is
based on the belief that a New Parent can
defuse the negative parts of the 01d. 1 4 Those
old parents that interfere with children's
growth toward autonomy include: overly
critical parent; overly protective parent;
inconsistent parent; conflicting parent;
uninvolved parent; super-organized parent;
overly needy parent.
Overly critical parents say things such as,
"You're stupid, you'll never amount to
anything," or "Can't you ever do anything
right?" or "Go get lost." When in their
Parent ego state, a person who had overly
critical parents will use these same words, or
imply them with non-verbal ulterior
transactions, toward others. When in their
Child ego state, listening to their Parent
tapes like a ventriloquist's dummy, they may
say things such as, "I don't get it. I guess I'm
getting stupid," or "I'm sorry, but I don't
understand," or "I'm lost."
Overly protective parents say things such
as, "I'll drive you whenever it rains," "Let
me do it for you," "Don't worry, I'll take
care of everything," "Now you just tell me if
those kids are mean to you." When in their
Parent ego state, a person who had overly
protective parents will act "syrupy" towards
other grown-ups as well as toward children.
When in their Child ego state, they will act
overly dependent, always looking for care
and protection.
Inconsistent parents say one thing one
day and something different the next. On a
Tuesday such a parent may say, "I worry
about you. You must come home on time,"
and on Wednesday say, "I don't care what
you do, just leave me alone." A person with
inconsistent parents will, when in their
Parent ego state, act similarly and vacillate in
what they expect from others and may be
seen by others as "unfair." When in their
Child ego state they will feel unsure and
frequently "check others out" looking for
35
MURIEL JAMES, Ed.D.
the non-verbal signs that indicate where the
other person is at at that particular minute.
Conflicting parents argue over many
issues. The agruments may, for example, be
loud, even vituperous, or quiet, even
rational, or bitter, even cruel, or laughable,
even fun. Conflict may arise over work,
education, money, leisure time, sex and sex
roles, how to rear children, and so forth.
Each parent may take an opposing view such
as, "Work until you drop dead" vs. "Don't
work, let someone else support you." People
with conflicting parents often have an inner
battle within their Parent ego state. They are
likely to act toward others, first as one
parent, then as another. They may
frequently "go looking for a fight" as her or
his parents did. When in the Child ego state
they may feel frightened by loud voices and
tend to withdraw when faced with conflict.
Uninvolved parents are those who stay
away from home a lot or when home don't
listen, or don't share their feelings and ideas,
or who isolate themselves in a particular
room or workshop, or activity and say things
such as, "Don't bother me, I'm busy," or
who act like a proverbial absent-minded
professor, forgetting birthdays and other
spe cial occasions. People who had
uninvolved parents will act distant when in
their Parent ego state. They will withdraw
and be uninvolved as their parents once
were. When in their Child ego state such
people often act friendly but unsure. They
may search diligently for someone who will
act like an involved parent, but at the same
time, doubt that it could ever happen.
Super-organized parents data-process
continually, do not often show child-like
warmth and impulsiveness, nor critical or
nurturing parental behavior. People with
super-organized parents are, when they are
in their Parent ego state, well-organized
themselves and expect others to be likewise.
When in their Child ego state, they usually
36
have a pattern of rebellion, indifference, or
compliance toward organizations in general
and toward organized people in particular.
Overly needy parents continually expect
to be babied and taken care of, or expect to
be cheered up and made happy, or expect to
be criticized and forgiven. Such parents
often manipulate their children into taking
parental roles at home. People who have had
emotionally overly needy parents will, when
in their Parent ego state, express similar
emotional needs. When in their Child ego
state they are likely to act parental, as they
were trained to do in childhood, and choose
a spouse to take care of and a job in which
they will take care of people.
Except in rare cases, people seem
"stuck" with their parents and
consequently with their Parent ego state, for
better or worse. Therefore, creating an
additional parent, a New Parent for the
Parent ego state, seems reasonable. The New
Parent does not replace the old parents, but
it does change the Parent ego state. People
have different combinations of parent
figures. Therefore their Parent ego states,
before and after reparenting, might be
diagrammed as shown in figure 2.
The development of a New Parent,
carefully designed by the Adult, increases
the options a. person has when in her or his
Parent ego state. The value of options is so
well discussed by Karpman 15 that the
usefulness of this does not need proving. The
development of a New Parent is not
necessarily the same as developing new
parental behavior because parental behavior
can come from any ego state.
Many TA techniques can be used to
change parenting behavior. For example,
egogram theory and methods combined with
contracts for change are especially valuable
for a person who wishes to increase
Nurturing Parent behavior. This new
paren tal behavior may unknowingly
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974

Bill Sally
Before After Before
Figure 2
contribute to the formation of a New
Parent, although in some cases the new
behavior can be merely Child compliance to
the therapist or to group pressure. In others
it can be the newly informed Adult.
The natural parents in the Parent ego
state are what they were and consist of
historical figures with names, addresses and
phone numbers. The New Parent which is
carefully designed by the Adult and aided by
the Creative Child, need not be a historical
figure. It can be an intelligent, loving,
imaginary parent created as characters in
novels ~nd dramas are created.
Imaginary characters in novels and
dramas often have real power in a person's
life. When authors construct such characters
they incorporate ideas and experiences from
many sources to create effective characters.
The process a person goes through when
creating a New Parent is similar to that of a
creative writer. Ideas for the New Parent can
come from many sources.
SELF REPARENTING PROCEDURE
The procedure for self reparenting
follows specific steps, with the therapist (if
there is one) acting primarily as a facilitator.
The steps are as follows:
Awareness of the need for a New Parent
that will compensate, supplement, or defuse
part of the old parent. Awareness comes
when people get in touch with their negative
Trans. An. J. 4: 3, July 1974
SELF REP ARENTING
Joe
After Before After
childhood injunctions and their negative
feelings about self and/or about others, their
games, script, or parenting behavior that
isn't working.
Historical diagnosis of each childhood
parent figure. This is facilitated by
homework -- detailed lists of strengths or
weaknesses of each parent. Exercises from
Born to Win at the end of the chapter on
Parent ego states can be used to energize this
process.
Education on the subject of parenting.
Attending classes on parenting, reading
books such as Parent Effectiveness Training
or What Do You Do With Them Now That
You've Got Them? And, very important,
observing real parents. Observation of real
parents may be in playgrounds where young
children may be protected, overprotected,
ignored, encouraged, etc. It may also be in
parent co-op nursery schools, in
supermarkets, movies, or any place where
children are likely to be accompanied by
parents. Observation of grownups, who are
parenting other grownups, is also important
and may include deliberate observation of
the group therapist and group members who
mayor may not parent appropriately. I 6
Inner dialogue between the Adult and the
Second Order Child. The purpose of this
step is to discover what each part of the
Child ego state needs. These needs often
differ. For example, the Natural Child (being
body-centered) may need better nutrition;
37
MURIEL JAMES, Ed.D.
the Little Professor may need to play its
hunches; the Adapted Child may need
Permission to stop listening to puritanical
Parent tapes and creatively explore sexuality
and gourmet eating.
Because each person's ego states are
unique, each is likely to have unique needs.
For example, one person may need
permission to think, another to be less
self-indulgent or more self-indulgent, and
still another to be creative.
Regressive techniques with the Child, as
described by Berne, Stuntz, Schiff, or James
and Jongeward, or technizues adopted from
the Gestalt movement, such as
double-chairing, exaggeration of body
movements and verbal statements, etc., can
be very effective at this step."? Fantasy or
memory trips, the perusal of a childhood
photograph album, and "target stroking"
can also be used to cathect the Child.
Phenomenological ego state diagnosis can be
accomplished at this time and the ego state
boundaries re-aligned.
The Adult can then talk to the inner
Child at various stages of development. It
can ask the inner Child what would be
helpful and what would be harmful, and can
listen to the Child's answers. Some answers
will be adapted responses learned in
childhood, some will be hunches from the
Little Professor, some may be uncensored
feelings of the Natural Child. All have value
in the therapeutic process. Clients, as well as
therapists, can learn to potently intervene
and referee between the Parent and Child to
give Permission to themselves and to protect
themselves if necessary.
Evaluating the data. The Adult is now in
the position to data-process the data it has
collected from three sources: the Parent, the
Child, and the external world. The old
Parent is evaluated as inadequate in specific
ways, and as needing to be supplemented or
balanced with a New Parent in specific ways.
38
Discussion clarifies the specifics.
Contracts and practice. On the basis of
the data, the Adult then contracts to be a
substitute parent to the inner Child and to
practice the specific parenting behavior that
has been decided upon. This pleases the
Child whose needs are at last being met.
Recognizing the New Parent. Although
the new parenting behavior may seem
uncomfortable, superficial, even phoney
when first tried (like learning a foreign
language or a new skill), with practice it
becomes automatic.
CASE ILL USTRA TION
Although my mother and father were
very caring, responsible parents in many
ways, I cannot remember if they ever asked
me how I felt (they probably told me how
they thought I was supposed to feel). Nor
did they ever touch me, so far as I can
remember.
Some years ago 1 decided, from my
Adult, that they were wrong in rearing
children that way. My Child ego state
probably pushed my Adult to make that
decision. After all, children, including the
Child in me, do want to be asked about their
feelings and they do want to be touched and
held. So I started asking people how they
felt and started touching other people and
my own children more. I also looked for
friends who were warm and touching as well
as friends who were interesting
intellectually.
At first this new touching felt very
uncomfortable, but in time it became
automatic and formed part of my New
Parent in my Parent ego state. Naturally it
pleased my Child, and my Adult thought
then -- and still thinks -- that it's a better
way to be. IS
This New Parent, however, still needs
Adult supervision. Recently I led a
workshop for upper-management executives
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974

and was taken to the plane by one of the
participants. Instead of a cordial Adult or a
warm, grateful Child "thank you," I came
on strongly with my New Parent. Some
people wouldn't have liked it. Fortunately
he did. But since then I've been more aware
that what I experience as the good New
Parent in me is not always appropriate to use
with someone else.
SUMMARY
In brief, parental behavior can come from
any ego state. Although any ego state can be
used or abused by the client or the
therapist.l" all ego states have merit, even
some parts of a person's old Parent. Those
parts of the old Parent that are without
merit can be defused and the personality can
be restructured by the process of self
reparenting.
Muriel James is an author and
psychotherapist in private practice, a
Director of the Oasis Transactional Analysis
Institute, Lafayette, California, and a
consultant to business and industry,
government agencies, school districts, and
mental health organizations. She is a Clinical
Teaching Member and Trustee of the ITAA.
REFERENCES
1. Berne, Eric. Principles of Group Treatment.
Oxford University Press, New York, 1964, p.
220.
2. Ibid., p. 216.
3. Ibid., p. 312.
4. Samuels, Solon D. "Parent Ego State: Can a
Therapist Take One to Lunch?" Unpublished
Trans. An. J. 4:3, July 1974
SELF REPARENTING
paper. cr. Kaufman, Dorothy N. and Kaufman,
Jack. "The Sources of Parenting Behavior: An
Exploratory Study," Trans. An. J., 2:4
(October, 1972), pp.191-195.
5. Berne, op. cit., p. 105. Cf. Berne, Eric.
Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy.
Grove Press, New York, 1961, pp. 233-234.
6. Samuels, op, cit.
7. Ibid. Cf. Sudhalter, Trava. "Hello, My
Nurturing Parent," Trans. An. J., 1: 3 (July,
1917), p. 43.
8. Oscar Wilde, quoted in James, Muriel and
Jongeward, Dorothy. Born to Win:
Transactional Analysis with Gestalt
Experiments. Addison-Wesley, Reading, Mass.,
1971.
9. Schiff, Jacqui. All My Children. M. Evans, New
York,1970.
10. Berne, Eric. Games People Play. Grove Press,
New York, 1964, p. 183.
11. Dusay, John M. "Egograms and the Constancy
Hypothesis," Trans. An. J., 2:3 (July, 1972), p.
37.
12. Berne, Eric. Principles of Group Treatment, op.
cit., p. 296. cr. James and Jongeward, op. cit.,
pp. 101-126.
13. Ibid., p. 298.
14. cr. James, Muriel. What Do You Do With
Them Now That You've Got Them?
Addison-Wesley, Reading, Mass., 1974, pp.
96-104.
15. Karpman, Stephen B."Options," Trans. An. J.•
1:1 (Jan., 1971), pp. 79-87.
16. cr. James and Jongeward, op. cit., pp.
241-242.
17. See Berne, Eric. Transactional Analysis in
Psychotherapy, op, cit., pp. 224-231. cr.
Schiff, Aaron Wolfe and Schiff, Jaqui Lee.
"Passivity," Trans. An. J., 1:1 (Jan., 1971), pp.
71-78.
James and Jongeward, op. cit., especial1y pp.
6·10 and 155-156.
Stuntz, Edgar C. "Multiple ChairsTechnique."
Trans. An. J., 3:2 (April, 1973), pp. 29-31.
18. James, op. cit., p. 100.
19. James, Muriel. Born to Love. Addison-Wesley,
Reading, Mass., 1973, pp. 48-49.
39