SLEEPING BEAUTY

A pantomime
by
Llama Drama
(fp December 1999)
ACT I SCENE 1
ROOM IN CASTLE KING WITH BRUSH, PALETTE
AND EASEL, JEEVES POSING WITH TRAY.
THE KING WEARING SMOCK AND BERET WITH
HIS CROWN OVER THE TOP, MAKING ARTIST
ACTIONS AS IF PAINTING A GRAND
LANDSCAPE OR SIMILAR.
JEEVES IS STANDING STOCK STILL WITH A
TRAY AND GLASSES IN ONE HAND
QUEEN: (ENTERS RIGHT – STRIDING) Don't forget you're going
to attend to the decorators - they need paying! I'm
off to bathe. (EXITS LEFT)
KING: Oh, can't you do it, I'm in the middle of... can't
you see... Oh never mind - You get on with the
important affairs of state, dear, doah never mind.
I suppose Rembrandt had to stop every time his wife
wanted to soak her feet! (PAUSE) That'll do for
today Jeeves, I've nearly finished anyway... (PICKS
UP DRAWING, MOVES DOWN STAGE ONTO THRUST. HOLD UP
PATHETIC STICK DRAWING) What do you think?
JEEVES: (TRYING TO SEE PICTURE) May I, Sir?
KING: Of course, come over here.
CLOSE TABS ON STAGE
JEEVES: (MOVES DOWN STAGE ON TO THRUST STAGE) Oh - One can
only use superlatives Sire. You are clearly
entering your Lowry phase, the much sort after,
exaggerated child-like quality shows deep insight
into this form of the expressionist medium, Your
Majesty.
KING: Oh does it? Oh, yes, yes splendid...
JEEVES: Indeed Sir!
KING: Good! Right! I'd better... err...
JEEVES: The decorators Sir?
KING: Yes, do this, do that, pay this, pay that, I have
to do everything – just why we have to have a
nursery when we haven't a child is beyond me.
JEEVES: It is the queen's dearest wish, Sir, that she
should have a child.
KING: Yes I know - I'm doing my best.
JEEVES: Yes Sir, all the Queen's possessions and wealth...

-1-
KING: And Power!
JEEVES: Indeed Sir, and power.
KING: Let's not forget that!
JEEVES: Indeed no Sir, but these things are as nothing when
the heart is longing for a child.
KING: Well I suppose... It's my wife you know, she has
to go around acting like the Queen!
JEEVES: She IS the Queen, Sire.
KING: Well yes, I know she IS the Queen but she doesn't
have to go around ACTING like one, does she - I
mean, do I go around acting like the King?
JEEVES: No Sir! Not at all! (PAUSE) Shall I take that
from you Sir, would you like me to have it framed
or merely carbonised?
KING: Yes, you... erm... whatever... (GESTURES) and I'll
throw out some tatty old money! Coah - tut. (EXIT
LEFT)
JEEVES: (TAKES UP EASEL, EXIT RIGHT)
LIGHTS: down.

-2-
ACT I SCENE 2
OPEN TABS, QUEEN IN LARGE CUT-OUT BATH
QUEEN: (IN BATH READING A BOOK HOLDING BOOK HIGH, MOVING
LIPS) Ooommm - Weeellll...
FROG1: (POPS UP FACE CLOSE TO BACK OF BOOK, TURNS TO
AUDIENCE) READ-IT! (PAUSE, TURNS BACK TO BOOK)
QUEEN: (CONTINUES READING, LOWERS BOOK, TURNS A PAGE,
RAISES BOOK, CONTINUES READING, TURNS SLOWLY TO
AUDIENCE, QUIZZICAL LOOK, TURNS SLOWLY BACK TO
BOOK, LOWERS BOOK AND THEN SCREAM)
FROG1: (SCREAM)
QUEEN: (BRINGS BOOK BACK UP)
QUEEN/FROG1: (STOP SCREAMING)
QUEEN: (LOWERS BOOK AGAIN) Oh well - here goes...
(GINGERLY KISSES FROG1)
FROG1: (MUCH SPITTING) Ugh... Look - I'm not that sort of
Frog!
QUEEN: (TAKEN ABACK) You speak - you must be VERY wise?
FROG2: (POPS UP BEHIND FROG1) w-i-s-e!
FROG1: Your life shall be complete... Within the year you
shall have a daughter - she shall be as a rose-bud.
FROG3: (POPS UP BEHIND FROG2) Bud.

QUEEN: (ALMOST TEARFUL WITH HAPPINESS) Tell me again - I'm

to have a daught... (HAND TO MOUTH IN SHOCKED
HAPPINESS) Oohh, I can't believe it.
FROG1: Not a daught - a daught-ER - ERR
FROG3: Bud...
FROG2: Wise...
FROG1: Err...
FROG3: Bud...
FROG2: Wise...
FROG1: Err...
LIGHTS: FADE TO BLACK AS...
FROG3: Bud...

-3-
FROG2: Wise...
FROG1: Err...
CLOSE TABS.

-4-
ACT I SCENE 3
EVILLA ENTERS AUDITORIUM FOLLOWED BY
BAT TABS STILL CLOSED
BAT FOLLOWS EVILLA'S LEAD - SUPPORT'S
HER WORDS AND HELPS HER ACTIONS BUT CAN
BE FLIGHTY - BIT MUTTLEYISH
EVILLA: (CARRYING LARGE JAR MARKED COCKROACHES) Hello boys
and girls, my name's Evilla. And I'm your friend,
you can trust me, oh yes you can. I don't like the
King and Queen they should be turned out and their
heads stuck on spikes! Err ooh err... little cute
and fluffy spikes. You'll help me realise my dream
won't you? I only have one small dream... Just one
dream... to lead a National Socialist Government.
I ask you - am I unreasonable, am I not the very
soul of understanding... Yes, well I am, and I
understand you are detestable oiks, another word
out of place and I shall turn you all into maggots
- - oh look, you already are! Ha Ha Ha.
OPEN TABS
EVILLA: (MOVES ONTO STAGE)
FROG1/FROG2/FROG3: (ENTER RIGHT - WITH FLIPPERS ON FEET) Ribbit,
ribbit...
EVILLA: Oh what do YOU want? Have you something to tell
me?
FROG1/FROG2/FROG3: Ribbit, ribbit...
EVILLA: (TO AUDIENCE) Huh... You just can't get the frogs
these days.
FROG1: Within a year the Queen will have a daughter.
EVILLA: (WITH VIOLENT ANGER) She'll WHAT! (PACE ABOUT) What
do you know about it, road kill? You're a frog not
a stork! You can't even decide if you going to
live in water or not!
FROGS: (COWER)
EVILLA: Oh never mind! Just get out of my sight...
(COMPOSING HERSELF, BIT OF A THINK) One moment,
I've got something of a surprise for you, since
you've been such good little froggies... (CALLING
LEFT) Oh Pierre, (SMILES TO AUDIENCE)
BAT: (LAUGH)
EVILLA: Pierre...

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PIERRE: (ENTERS LEFT - RED AND WHITE STRIPPED TOP, BERET,
ONIONS ETC. WITH 'ALLO 'ALLO FRENCH ACCENT) Good
moaning madam - 'ow are you?
EVILLA: Despicable thank you - Froggies I'd like you to
meet Pierre, Pierre I'd like you to meet... dinner!
PIERRE: Ooo La La - Frogs legs
FROGS: (CROAK AND RUN OFF RIGHT)
PIERRE: (PRODUCES LONG BLADED KNIFE) Ooo delicious! Froggy
- come and meet Monsieur Pointy... (EXAGGERATED RUN
OFF RIGHT)
EVILLA: So the Queen is to have a daughter is she - ugh I
hate children. All of them - they're so horrible
and dirty and smelly. I like to squish them, I'd
like to squish all of them. It's just a hobby you
understand. I mean all the children here - what's
the point - Hmm? Am I unreasonable? I mean what is
the point of them - Oh be quiet or you'll have to
go. You had your chance - I tried to be friends
with you - but oh no, you won't help me wipe
humanity from the face of the earth, a bit of
honest graft is too much for you. Now don't get
any silly ideas, there's not going to be any happy
ending to cheer about – this IS Manea you know...
you're not used to happy endings. I don't like the
King and Queen they are such snivelling wretches
they stole the kingdom from me - just because he is
his father's son, I'm my mother's daughter that's
just as good in my book, well it would be if I had
a book only he got them all! But I'm going to fix
them and you're all going to help me! Oh yes you
are! Like it or not! You'll see! Bat, fly off
and see what is happening in the castle.
BAT: (STANDS STILL)
EVILLA: Bat, fly off and see what is happening in the
castle.
BAT: (STILL NO MOVE)
EVILLA: Well go on! What's the matter with you?
BAT: (FEEBLY FLAPS ARMS/WINGS)
EVILLA: (FAKED SYMPATHY) Oh what's the matter, can't you
fly then?
BAT: (SHAKE HEAD PATHETICALLY)
EVILLA: Oh I can help you around that... one, two, three...
(WAVE OF THE HAND, CASTING MAGIC) Now you can walk
it! GET OUT!

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BAT: (SCURRIES OUT)
EVILLA: (KICKS AT BEHIND. THOUGHTFUL) Now if the Queen can
have a daughter then I can have a son, yes. A
quick trip to Victoria Station... (EXITS LEFT -
PAUSE - ENTERS RIGHT CARRYING A LARGE HANDBAG)
There that was easy - people are so careless. (PUTS
BAG ON TABLE AND REACHING IN) come on then,
little... boy? (WITH SURPRISE) Oh, you need a name
- who needs a little namey wamey then? What little
namey wamey should mumsie wumsie picky wicky for
you den?
A JET OF MILK IS SQUIRTED FROM THE BAG
INTO FACE OF EVILLA MUCH SPLUTTERING
THEN PULLING AWAY, WRENCHING BOTTLE
FROM BABY
Gimme that! Right that does it from now on you're
called BARRY!
FROGS: (ENTER RIGHT RUN OFF LEFT)
PIERRE: (CLUTCHING KNIFE AND STEEL, ENTERS RIGHT CHASING
FROGS) Slow down my din-dins
EVILLA: (YELLING) GET OUT! (MOVES DOWN STAGE TO THRUST)
CLOSE TABS
EVILLA: Now when the little tike is born they're bound to
have a big banquet, they're so predictable, (pacing
up and down) now for my cunning plan - I'll be
invited to baby's zero-th birthday bash and then
give her a magic potion that will, when she's
sixteen, make her fall in love with my Barry. Who
by then will do exactly what I want. So get rid of
the King and Queen, the brat inherits, falls for
Barry, they marry, Barry gets the lot and hands it
all to me! Simple! And people call me
unreasonable!
(TO AUDIENCE) Remember hideous little vermin not a
word to anyone or I'll rip you lungs out and
decorate the hall with them! Ha Ha There'll be
Christmas Lights! Ha Ha ha (SWEEP OFF LEFT)
LIGHTS: BLACK OUT

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ACT I SCENE 4
NINE MONTHS LATER... KING IS SITTING
OUTSIDE DOOR LEFT MARKED MATERNITY
KING: Have they any idea what its like to wait out here!
(GETS UP AND PACES) I mean what's keeping them -
it's the wife, any excuse to lie around... putting
her feet up! Coah - I don't know, Huh women...
(SITS AGAIN)
WOMAN1: (ENTERS RIGHT - WALKS PAST KING - EXITS DOOR LEFT)
KING: (TRIES TO CATCH HER EYE) I wonder what's happening?
Someone's sure to be along in a minute - I'll ask.
(GETS UP AND MOVES OVER TO WING RIGHT - LOOKS OUT)
WOMAN1: (ENTERS DOOR LEFT - PASSES UPSTAGE OF KING - EXITS
RIGHT)
KING: (TURNS DOWN STAGE AND LEFT AS SHE PASSES - HE
MISSES HER) Someone's bound to be along they've
been back and forth all morning. (RETURNS TO CHAIR
- SITS) I should have brought a book. (LOOKS AROUND
BORED) A man walks into a bar (HAND TO HEAD) Agh -
it was an iron bar. Ha Ha Ha Ha... Haaa. That
was a good one, I hadn't heard it before!
WOMAN1: (ENTERS RIGHT - PASSES KING - EXITS DOOR LEFT)
KING: Oooh Ahh - Ooooha that's funny - they must be
twins! Like trains really, always another one along
- Coah all the things I could be doing... And I'm
stuck here waiting for the Mrs to pull her finger
out! (BLOWS AIR AND LOOKS AROUND) Could do with
decorating - just had the decorators in as well.
(WALKS DOWN RIGHT, LOOKS UP INTO CORNER RIGHT)
WOMAN1: (ENTERS DOOR LEFT - CROSSES UPSTAGE OF KING - EXITS
RIGHT)
KING: Ah - is that a... SPIDER! (WATCHES IT FALL TO HIS
FEET, PANICS AND RUNS BACK TO CHAIR - STANDS ON IT,
GIVES A SHIVER) Ugh...
WOMAN1: (ENTERS RIGHT - CROSSES, STOPS AND LOOKS AT KING)
KING: Careful it's a... Ooohh your sisters are already
here (POINTING TO DOOR)
WOMAN1: (TUTS AND EXITS DOOR LEFT)
KING: Thank you - so much.

-8-
 WATCHES WOMAN1 LEAVE AND THEN HURRIES
OVER TO SPIDER - LIFTS LEG IN
EXAGGERATED STAMP ACTION - LOOKS AND
CANNOT FIND SPIDER - LOOKS AROUND FOR
SPIDER WITH LEG STILL AS HIGH AS
POSSIBLE - STARTS TO CAVORT AROUND WITH
LEG STILL HIGH, READY TO STAMP
WOMAN1: (ENTERS DOOR LEFT - PASSES UPSTAGE OF KING - EXITS
RIGHT)
KING: (HOPPING AFTER WOMAN1) Excuse me I was wondering...
(PUSHES LEG DOWN WITH HANDS) I was wondering...
What was I wondering? (PAUSE) Next one's mine!
WOMAN1: (ENTERS RIGHT - CROSSES STAGE)
KING: Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! (HURRIES TO BAR HER WAY -
STANDS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR LEFT) Excuse me but
would you mind telling me what is going on in
there?
WOMAN1: That depends - who are you?
KING: (SURPRISED) Well, take a wild guess! (STRIKES POSE)
WOMAN1: You're not one of those South American
revolutionaries are you?
KING: (MOVES UPSTAGE) South American Revo - Oh yes, Che
Guavara at your service, (CLENCHED FIST) freedom
for Benwick!
WOMAN1: Well Mr. Guavara - I'm not at liberty to divulge.
(EXITS DOOR LEFT)

KING: Where are you going? - Oh this is ridiculous, I've

got a banquet to arrange, have the palace
decorated, arrest that spider... Oh I can't wait
any longer. (OPENS DOOR LEFT)
WOMAN1: (OFF - LOUD) IT'S A GIRL!
KING: (DEAD FAINT)
WOMAN2 WOMAN3: (PAUSE - HURRY IN TO SEE IF KING IS ALRIGHT, GET
EITHER SIDE OF HIM AND HOLD HIM UP)
WOMAN2: Are you alright?
WOMAN3: What happened, do you need anything?
KING: I have a daughter!
WOMAN2: Well done?
KING: No you don't understand - I'm a father!

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WOMAN3: Well it's generally the way when you have a
daughter.
KING: This is a great day!
WOMAN2: What makes you so happy?
KING: (LEAD COMPANY INTO A SONG AND DANCE) Some people
like to rock
WOMAN2: Rock?
KING: Some people like to roll
WOMAN3: Roll?
KING: (STANDING UP) But moving and a grooving gonna
satisfy my soul, let's have a party
WOMAN2 WOMAN3: (GET EVERYONE ELSE ON STAGE)
LETS HAVE A PARTY
LIGHTS: BLACKOUT.

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ACT I SCENE 5
IN THE KITCHEN OF THE PALACE. JEEVES
COOK AND BAT. BAT, IN DISGUISE, A
SIMPLE MASK, IS UP STAGE AND WAITS.
JEEVES: Mrs Stir, have you prepared the menu for this
evening? I am particularly Peckish.
COOK: Well if you're particularly peckish perhaps
chicken! Nice young tender chicken. Jeune Poulet
Sur La Pain Grille. Hmm?
JEEVES: Sounds rather splendid Jeune Poulet yes, now, let
me see that's young chicken and pain is bread and
Grille is grilled so that's grilled bread. Oh toast
- yes, wait a minute just how young is this
chicken...
COOK: (SMILES)
JEEVES: Yes I thought so, an egg, so the menu for this
evening is egg on toast. No thank you - but
comestible cylinder and pulverized tubiferous root
sounds perfect. That would be bangers and mash to
you.
COOK: (SINGING) Oh - I'll give you a bash at the banger
and mash...
JEEVES: (OVER) My mater formally served! I think not!
COOK: Oh, you're such a rascal darling - don't let anyone
else know you're such a scamp! (PINCHES HIS CHEEK)
JEEVES: Kindly unhand me, woman.
FROGS: (ENTER RIGHT AND RACE ACROSS STAGE - EXIT LEFT)
PIERRE: (ENTERS RIGHT CARRYING SMALL CLEAVER - CHASING
FROGS - EXITS LEFT)
JEEVES: (WATCHES COOLLY) Now, is the tray prepared for the
King and Queen?
COOK: Yes the tray's ready - all I need now is something
to put on it, Sweetheart! (PAUSE) Calm down all is
under control - the finest culinary development
since mankind first learned to cook with fire. The
culmination of a thousand centuries of gourmet
cuisine. The one, the only, bacon sarnie! (WITH A
FLOURISH ONTO THE TRAY)
JEEVES: I cannot possibly present this to the King!
COOK: You're quite right! (PLACES IS SPRIG OF PARSLEY ON
SANDWICH) There!

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JEEVES: I shall be beheaded!
COOK: Well you said you wanted to loose weight, my little
meerkat, it's fast and tremendously efficient! Even
your friends won't recognise you - with the new Mrs
Stir slimming scheme. Run along sweetbreads you're
perfectly safe, I promise.
JEEVES: (NERVOUSLY WALKS LEFT) If One is beheaded - One
shall have a few words to say to you, my good
woman. (EXIT LEFT)
COOK: (PAUSE - LOOKING LEFT - TO AUDIENCE) It's alright
the coast is clear. We can chin-wag now. My name
is Mrs Stir, I'm the cook. Nice name isn't it I
chose it myself. So now you know my name, you
should tell me yours. So come on then on the count
of three, shout out your name. One... Two...
Three... (PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE) Pleased to meet
you... (SHOUT SOMETHING INCOMPREHENSIBLE) I'd make
a note of that but I wouldn't begin to know how to
spell it. So let me fill you in with the plot so
far, well so far... we've stuck pretty close to the
script which is a first I can tell you. Now the
person to hiss and boo is Evilla. Have you met
her? Oh what a nasty piece of work, she chews
tobacco, spits on the pavement and when she runs
out of rude words she invents ruder ones. Well you
have been warned, lovies.
But I think I can stand up to her, I'm a black
belt... yes, three times over. Yes, I'm a black
belt in Origami, Tamagotche and Feng Shui.
Yes, all is not what it seems with me, still waters
here, yes, run deep, I should say so - I could tell
you things about my waters - ooh you wouldn't
believe. Yes duckies, hidden depths in my past -
you wouldn't begin to know where to plumb!

Still, I must get on - when your foots to the wall

you must put your best back forwards, shoulder to
the grindstone and nose to the wheel. I tried it
once... I was in traction for a month!
JEEVES: (ENTERS LEFT WITH EMPTY TRAY AND PILE OF INVITES)
You'll never guess...
COOK: The king has ordered a banquet in celebration of
his daughter's birth.
JEEVES: Oh! Well... yes.
COOK: (TO AUDIENCE) You see it pays to read the script!
(TO JEEVES) It's alright Jeeves, it was just a wild
guess. Who's invited - I need to select a suitable
menu.

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 COOK AND JEEVES BOTH SETTLE TO LOOK AT
INVITATIONS
JEEVES: (PICKS ONE) Robert the Bruce?
COOK: Not a chance - I'm not having anyone who talks to
spiders! (THROWS IT AWAY AND PICKS NEXT) Ghengis
Khan.
JEEVES: Always the life and soul of the party.
COOK: Loves his food - but a messy eater.
JEEVES: He's invited! Next is King George III, well we can
invite him but he will only continue that
conversation... with the large oak tree in the
gardens.
COOK: Spiderman. He'll stick around all evening.
JEEVES: Edward Scissorhands? He is a cut above the rest.
COOK: Alexander Graham Bell - Shall I give him a ring.
JEEVES: I believe you will find he's already married. Ah,
Little Miss Muffett. One must find out what a
tuffet actually is.
COOK: Godzilla?! - better make some more prawn cocktail.
JEEVES: Dale Winton?
COOK: Don't be ridiculous! (PAUSE) Stuart Little, they've
been eking out the invitations again!
JEEVES: Oh very droll, Look Sabrina the Teenage Witch!
COOK: No we can't. She'll bring Salem and that would be
Stuart Little's lot!
JEEVES: Yes! And that would be Salem's Lot!
COOK: Jerry Springer - what do you say, will he behave?
JEEVES: My dear woman this is Manea, one cannot have any
old riff raff roaming about. Now look, who we have
here: Lloyd Grossman, LADY Penelope, Molly Parkin
that is more like it class, sophistication...
COOK: Lloyd Grossman, sophisticated!? (IMITATION) He'll
be peering Through The Keyhole and making snide
comments about the castle and about my cooking, I
suppose he'll end up doing it himself.
JEEVES: Evilla the Black Fairy? She should be quite
suitable.

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COOK: Have you lost your senses? "Evilla, the black fairy
- Oh she'll do fine - we'll send the limousine
round". You posh plonker! (TAKES CARD FURIOUSLY
TEARS IT UP, PUTS IT ON FLOOR AND TRAMPLES IT)
JEEVES: Why, is she (PAUSE) naughty?
COOK: Well now, let me see EVIL-a (PAUSE) fairy of the
BLACK arts, could be a wincey bit mischievous.
JEEVES: (TRAMPLES ON TORN CARD) Fine, I fully appreciate
your point of view.
BAT: (REACTS TO THE VANDALISM, WHIP OFF DISGUISE AND
SHOW FACE TO AUDIENCE)
JEEVES/COOK: (TURN ROUND AND LOOK AT BAT)
BAT: (HASTILY REPLACE DISGUISE AND BE SUPER CASUAL)
JEEVES: (RETURNING TO INVITATIONS) Now Buffy the Vampire
Slayer. Oh, she is very nice, she's invited.
COOK: I don't think so - do you?
JEEVES: She's a very respectable young lady.
COOK: Yes and we want her to stay that way - now behave!
LIGHTS: VERY SLOWLY FADE TO BLACK
JEEVES: Postman pat?
COOK: He's OK but I'll swing for that black and white
cat!

JEEVES: He's retired now you know?

COOK: Ah right - how shall we address the card?
JEEVES: Pat!
COOK: Thank you. Little Jack Horner!
JEEVES: I think not - I have seen what he does with his
food. You would not be impressed.

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ACT I SCENE 6
EVIL FAIRIES ABODE, EVILLA AND BARRY
(2 YEARS OLD BUT NOT NECESSARILY SEEN)
ON STAGE IS A SCREEN WITH CLOTHES
BEHIND.
EVILLA: (STOMPING BACK AND FORTH) So, where is my
invitation! See how those horrible toady Monarchs
have ignored your Mumsy. You won't stand for it
when your older will you my little Bazzer, you'll
protect your dear old long suffering doting
parent... (TO AUDIENCE) Mind your own business! (TO
BARRY) Now, Bazzer, to find the invitation destined
for you ever loving Mummykins. (TO AUDIENCE) Oh be
quiet! (TO BARRY) Watch carefully my sweet viper,
as the Queen of Evil casts a spell to find the
truth behind my invitation. (TAKING BOWL AND ADDING
A FEW INGREDIENTS - WITH A FLOURISH, CASTING SPELL
ACTIONS AND SOUND)
BAT: (ENTERS RIGHT CARRYING FANCY ENVELOPE)
EVILLA: (SLOWS MAGIC PERFORMANCE AND THEN SNATCHES ENVELOPE
FROM BAT) Gimme that! You've spoiled the whole
effect now.
BAT: (RUBS HEAD AGAINST EVILLA)
EVILLA: Barry, I'd like to introduce you to my familiar,
BAT .. don't be so familiar! Bat - Barry - - Barry
Bat. (QUICK TOMMY COOPER IMPRESSION) Bat - Barry -
- Barry Bat. Oh I'm wasted here. Such talent. Ah
my invitation. (OPENS ENVELOPE AND DRAWS OUT TORN
AND MESSY CARD PIECES, READING BITS OF CARD) Invi
.. black .. would .. pany of .. Oh this is
impossible. Who is responsible for this. Where
did you get this... Oh I see they're not inviting
me... Well, I think that's really mean. We'll
soon see about that - I will cook up something
particularly nasty, something quite horrible,
something supremely despicable. Ha Ha (TO AUDIENCE)
What do you think about that then? You
pestilential pigswill. Oh, I can't be bothered
with you lot, I have to get ready.
GOES BEHIND SCREEN, THROWS CLOTHES OVER
TOP OF SCREEN, STARTING WITH BLACK
DRESS SIMILAR TO ONE WORN AND INCLUDING
OVERSIZED BRA AND LONG-JOHNS, MUCH
GRUNTING AND GROANING
I want to make a good impression - be better
dressed than anyone there. I'll show them who has
got class - I shall dazzle them - there!
COMES OUT FROM BEHIND SCREEN DRESSED
EXACTLY THE SAME

-15-
Perfect!
BLACK-OUT.

-16-
ACT I SCENE 7
INSIDE THE HALL FOR THE BANQUET, KING
AND QUEEN READY TO RECEIVE GUESTS.
JEEVES IS STANDING AT ENTRANCE RIGHT.
CRIB DOWN STAGE LEFT. TABLE OF FOOD UP
CENTRE.
KING: (LOOKS AT POCKET WATCH) Hmmm... (SHUFFLES FEET) I'm
hungry...
QUEEN: What time is it?
KING: (LOOKS AT WATCH AGAIN) Five minutes to go.
QUEEN: Relax will you, you're making me nervous.
KING: Well we must make a good impression, this is
important, is my crown alright?
QUEEN: Yes, now you look fine - anyone would think that
you had just had a baby, not me! Now pull yourself
together. (PAUSE) Does my dress look alright?
KING: Yes, of course, you look fine. What time is it?
QUEEN: (LOOKS AT WRIST) I don't know - you've got the
watch!
KING: Oh, yes, yes of course... (LOOKS AT WATCH) Four
minutes. I'm not nervous... are you?
QUEEN: Will you relax! You're not going to make a fool of
yourself again are you?
KING: (AFFRONTED, LOUD UNDER BREATH) Again, what do you
mean again! I'm not the one who opened that tomb
and then asked "Who died?" and the started
guffawing with laughter. I didn't know where to
put my face.
QUEEN: As I remember it, you knew exactly where to put
your face.
KING: That wasn't my fault - I didn't know she was there!
QUEEN: Well she certainly knew where you were!
KING: Well I did apologise.
QUEEN: Eventually!
KING: I was disorientated, it was dark.
QUEEN: Only where you were! So that's why you had to dig
your way out with your hands.

-17-
JEEVES: (LOUD COUGH) Pardon me madam, but might I get you a
chair to sit on?
QUEEN: No thank you Jeeves.
KING: (UNDER BREATH) No she'll perch on her gibbet as
usual. (LOOKS AT WATCH)
QUEEN: What's the time?
KING: Doah. (LOOKS AT WATCH AGAIN) One minute to zero
hour... and counting. (PAUSE) Did you lay the
table, Jeeves?
JEEVES: No, Sir. Cook has everything under control.
QUEEN: Stop fussing.
KING: I was only asking...
QUEEN: Well don't! That'll do... Enough!
KING: (LOOKS AT WATCH) Ten, nine, seven, six, five, four,
three, eight, two, one. (LONGISH PAUSE) They're
late!
ALL ENTER RIGHT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
AND MILL AROUND TABLE WITH FOOD ON IT.
IGNORING THE KING AND QUEEN. MAKE
GENERAL NOISE AND EATING SOUNDS - ALL
JOCKEY FOR POSITION AT THE TABLE
JEEVES: (AS THEY ENTER) Ah Lord and Lady... err... His
Excellency... the royal... err Hmm. Mr and Mrs and
their daughter errmm... And that's... He's... Oh
haven't seen him in years... Oh and I think that's
the cousin of... err you know... (PAUSE) Oh never
mind!
ALL DISPERSE FROM TABLE
JEEVES: (LOUD AND FORMALLY) Dinner is served.
TRANSFORMED THE TABLE IS A SKELETON:
EMPTY CAKE STANDS - TURKEY BONES AND
GENERAL DEBRIS
ALL LOOK SHEEPISH AND EMBARRASSED IN
SMALL GROUPS. THE KING AND QUEEN ARE
SOMEWHAT STUNNED BY THE CROWD

-18-
 JEEVES STEPS FORWARD TO CENTRE STAGE
AND BANGS ON THE STAGE WITH A STAFF. HE
LOOKS TO KING AND SHRUGS "WHAT NOW?"
KING GESTURES KEEP IT MOVING, QUEEN
GETTING IRATE. COOK ENTERS CARRYING THE
CAKE - THERE IS A BIG ZERO ON IT,
CAREFULLY PLACES THE CAKE ON THE TABLE
AND JUST MANAGES TO PROTECT THE CAKE
WITH RIDICULOUS MARTIAL ART TYPE MOVES
ALL ATTEMPT TO DESCEND ON THE CAKE AND
ARE HELD BACK BY COOK
COOK: That's better, now behave! One, two, a-one two
three four - take it Jeeves!
AS EACH FAIRY COMES FORWARD THEY SHOULD
HAND AN INVITATION CARD TO JEEVES, HE
READS THEM
JEEVES: Ah, oh thank you Cook. Ladies and gentlemen, it is
time for the presentation of the gifts to the
princess Beauty. All the magical folk of the
kingdom have been invited – and now it is time for
the fairies to give their generous offerings.
(READING FROM CARDS) First let me introduce a fairy
who was the right hand for the famous pirate killer
Peter Pan. Fresh from defeating the ticking
Clockodile, Ladies and gentlemen, Tinkerbell.
TINKERBELL: I make the most precious gift of time. (HANDS OVER
A CLOCK)
JEEVES: Directly from Shakespeare's Dream who else but the
Queen of all the fairies - Her illustrious majesty
- Titania.
TITANIA: I hand you unconditionally this wonderfully
versatile Breville sandwich toaster.
JEEVES: I see Cook's eyes light up with that one.
COOK: Wow!
JEEVES: You might think she is down in the mouth but she
certainly knows a good bargain when she sees one -
the one and only Tooth Fairy.
TOOTH: (STANDS DRAMATICALLY HOLDING A LARGE_TOOTH) My gift
is... well... WISDOM!
JEEVES: Made famous by Gerry and the Pacemakers - all the
way from Liverpool - it's Fairy Cross The Mersey.
MERSEY: My present is the priceless gift of... (AS CILLA
BLACK) Surprise Surprise luv it's something I'd
know nothing about... it's Music. (GIVES TRIANGLE,
TUBA OR SIMILAR INSTRUMENT)

-19-
JEEVES: Here's a funny thing, now here is a funny thing -
yes it's The Fairy from the Dairy. And if you
worked that one out you really are showing your
age.
DAIRY: My gift is health and vitality - with plenty of
calcium for strong teeth and healthy bones! (HANDS
OVER MILK BOTTLE)
JEEVES: She's sweet, she's tasty, she's a little cracker -
who else, the Sugar Plum Fairy.
PLUM: My present is sweetness (PAUSE) it's a sugar-beet!
(HANDS OVER A SUGAR BEET)
JEEVES: All along, Down along, Out along - No it's not The
Golden Shot it's the Widicombe Fairy!
WIDICOMB: Where would we be without the gift of... (HOLDS UP
TV_GUIDE) Friends!
JEEVES: Give her a squeeze and she'll always help out in
the Kitchen (BEAT) she's green (PAUSE) It's Fairy
Liquid.
LIQUID: My gift is cleanliness of Body and Mind. (TOILET-
BRUSH)
JEEVES: Now the forward, the blatant (PAUSE) Fairy Obvious!
OBVIOUS: My gift is the rarest of them all - COMMON sense.
It's a bag of marbles. (BAG OF MARBLES)
JEEVES: Known as herbaceous - keen on parsley, sage,
rosemary and always has the thyme .. .. of course
the Scarborough fairy.
SCARBORO: Love. (HEART AND ARROW)
JEEVES: Just arrived, hot and steaming, fresh out of Cowes
(PAUSE) The Isle of Wight Fairy.
WIGHT: I give the gift of strength to be an island...
(STICK OF ROCK)
EVILLA: (HANDING A STUCK TOGETHER TAPED INVITATION TO
JEEVES) SO! You thought to exclude me did you?
KING: (CONFUSED) Pardon?
EVILLA: Quiet - vermin in ermine, clown in a crown.
KING: I'm sorry, is there something...
EVILLA: SHUT, UP!
KING: (JUMPS BACK IN TREPIDATION - HIDES BEHIND QUEEN)
Con-consider me shutted up'd.

-20-
EVILLA: You scheming pair thought to leave me out in the
cold. Deprive me of my rightful status in life.
You shall rue the day that you crossed Evilla - The
Black Fairy.
JEEVES: Actually it was Cook and I.
COOK: Mainly him (POINTING)
JEEVES: I had a notion you would be out to cause trouble...
EVILLA: Out to cause trouble... cause trouble... Oh cause
trouble, well yes that's my job. You know Black
Fairy and all that.
JEEVES: Precisely, so to be on the safe side I thought it
best not to invite you.
EVILLA: Well yes I can see that... It makes sense now you
put it like that... (THINKING) Wait a minute, I
don't care why, you are still going to pay. All of
you! (TO AUDIENCE) You included! (TO ALL) Why
should you victimise me just because I have an
unpopular job to do. It's not easy being evil you
know. Do you think I enjoy it?! Well do you?!
ALL: Yes.
EVILLA: Well, yes I do - but that's not the point, the
point is that you have picked on me and I now have
to take hideous and vengeful revenge. Here is my
GIFT to the little, little... (LOOKS IN CRIB AT
BABY) looks like Winston Churchill, doesn't she.
Here is my GIFT to the little Winston Churchill.
EVILLA: If she shall prick herself sublime
upon a hedgehog just one spine
then she be cursed for all of time
to stand and whinge, and glare and frown
present herself as a legal clown
a lawyer complete with wig and gown.
Ha Ha Ha.
QUEEN: (SCREAMS AND FAINTS AWAY FROM KING)
KING: (PUTS HANDS OUT DRAMATICALLY BUT QUEEN HAS FALLEN
THE OTHER WAY)
EVILLA: Ha, ha, ha, the world shall hear from me again...
(EXITS RIGHT - THEN POKES HEAD ROUND) after the
interval! (LEAVES)
COOK: (PICKS UP THE QUEEN TENDS TO HER)
KING: (AFRAID) Arrh, What does she mean... Mmmmwerrr... I
don't know what to do...

-21-
JEEVES: I'm sorry sir, it is all my fault, I tried to
prevent her from coming here, but I failed. The
blame is all mine. I will go out and shoot myself.
(PAUSE) is there anything before I go, Sire?
KING: Err... errmmmm... no, no.
JEEVES: (SUMMONS STRENGTH, ADJUSTS JACKET) Very good sir.
(PAUSE) Nothing at all? (PAUSE) Well I'll be off
then. (TURNS TO LEAVE, TURNS BACK TO KING
HOPEFULLY) Pardon? (TURNS TO LEAVE AGAIN)
FAIRY GM: (ENTERS WITH ENTHUSIASM) Hey penguin! (GRABS JEEVES
AND STARTS TO DANCE TANGO ACROSS STAGE AND BACK)
JEEVES: (VERY CONFUSED, FOLLOWS FAIRY GM'S LEAD)
FAIRY GM: Oooh, silly me, no music - well I can soon fix
that. So what are we up to then? Thrash metal,
house, scar, good old rock and roll... (LONG LOOK
ROUND TO SILENT STARES) Requiem! Funeral Dirge!
JEEVES: Excuse me madam.
FAIRY GM: (EXTRACTING HIP-FLASK) Granted.
JEEVES: Apparently ladies and gentlemen, this is
Cinderella's Fairy Godmother. Who by all accounts
knows exactly what to do with a pumpkin! Which was
a surprise to me, I can tell you.
FAIRY GM: (SWIG) And me. Here penguin, last party I was at,
there was this ant-eater in the corner. I said to
him, can I get you some food? No no, I'm fine, he
says to me. I'm fine. So I said to the anteater,
let me get you a drink, a nice little drink would
set you off a treat. No really I'm fine, I don't
need a drink. Is there anything that I can get you?
- No nothing at all I'm fine, I really am. Alright,
alright I says to the ant-eater - so why the long
face?! Ha ha ha. Long face... get it! Ha ha...
get it?
JEEVES: Perfectly madam. Your wit and repartee is only
surpassed by you social inadequacy. Allow me to get
you a drink.
FAIRY GM: Oh I could take to you! So, what's up with you lot.
I've come with a gift for the Princess, where is
she, oh there, doesn't she look like Winston
Churchill.
QUEEN: (STARTS TO FAINT AGAIN - STAGGERS AROUND)
FAIRY GM: So shall I give my gift now? I'm a bit out of
practice!

-22-
KING: It doesn't really matter anymore. Her life is
already in ruins.
FAIRY GM: Why, what's happened?
KING: She's a lawyer!
QUEEN: (FAINTS - AWAY FROM COOK)
COOK: (PUTS HANDS OUT - AS QUEEN FALL OTHER WAY)
FAIRY GM: Oh how horrible, oh how can you stand it - have you
thought of emigration? Try to look at the bigger
picture.
FAIRY GM: (INDICATE BABY AND KING)
Whenever life gets you down, Rose and Crown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
and you feel that you've had quite enough
SONG: GALAXY SONG
Now dearies, tell me precisely what the problemo
is?
JEEVES: Madam, may I...
FAIRY GM: Of course you may dear but I'm a little busy right
now...
JEEVES: Madam, I would like...
FAIRY GM: Yes I'd like to as well, honey-bunch, but later
dear, later! (grossly overstated wink) Now where
was I, oh yes, saving the world from another apoco-
apoc-apocolypse. Yes, you've got no worries now -
no problemo! (RUBBING HANDS) So what's needed? - A
ballgown, glass slipper, or a luxury carriage? OK,
bring me (BEAT) a pumpkin!
COOK: No, no, you have quite the wrong end of the stick,
my good fairy. We have a calamity, we wish to
rectify, a wrong doing to be made right.
FAIRY GM: Have you been at the cooking sherry?
COOK: Certainly not!
FAIRY GM: Are you sure?
COOK: (COY AND EMBARRASSED) Well, maybe a little too much
sherry in the trifle. But liquor never touches my
lips.
FAIRY GM: Nor mine - straight down passed the epiglottis and
away.

-23-
COOK: Enough of all the reminiscing - the young princess
has been cursed...
FAIRY GM: Cursed?
COOK: Cursed by Evilla...
FAIRY GM: Evilla?
COOK: Evilla, the Black Fairy...
FAIRY GM: Black Fairy?
COOK: Just so, Evilla the Black Fairy has cursed...
FAIRY GM: CURSED?
COOK: (PEEVED) Yes Cursed - the Princess such that...
FAIRY GM: The Princess?
COOK: Look, I'm not given to violence... has anyone ever
punched your fairy lights out?
FAIRY GM: Oh Yes - quite often actually!
KING: Right - I'll handle this (TO QUEEN) you wait here
my little cockroach, Cook look after my wife. (DOWN
CENTRE - TO FAIRY GM) Now you are a fairy are you
not?
FAIRY GM: (LOOKS HERSELF UP AND DOWN) No flies on you is
there ducky!
KING: I trust not - now we have a particularly sticky
problem in the form of a curse (PAUSE) placed on my
daughter...
FAIRY GM: CURSE?
KING: Can you keep quiet?
FAIRY GM: I'll try.
KING: I AM the King you know!
FAIRY GM: Yes, but I get to dress like this.
KING: How long can you keep this up?
FAIRY GM: How long have you got!
KING: (FAST) My daughter is cursed such that if she is
pricked by a hedgehog before her eighteenth
birthday she shall be turned into a... (WITH UTTER
DISTASTE) Lawyer! Black gowns, ludicrous wigs,
pompous posturing... (BREAKS DOWN)

-24-
FAIRY GM: Never mind, me dear, cry it out (PATTING KING ON
HEAD AND NOT LOOKING)
KING: (DISDAINFUL LOOK)
FAIRY GM: So the old hedgehog trick eh! tut. Ha ha. I don't
know!
JEEVES: Can you help, madam?
FAIRY GM: (PUTTING ARMS AROUND JEEVES) For you - Pingu,
anything. (TO AUDIENCE) But I will need help - it
will require a, now I'm going to use a technical
term so stay with me, - it will require a SPELL.
That's SPELL. With me so far? Good.
FAIRY GM: All the words I say
turn them about this day
Oh NO! That's the contrary spell.
JEEVES: Contrary spell?
FAIRY GM: No.
JEEVES: That wasn't the contrary spell?
FAIRY GM: Of course it was!
JEEVES: You cast the wrong spell?
FAIRY GM: Of course I didn't. Tut. You should leave things
to us experts! (TAKES OUT HIP-FLASK AND SWIGS)
JEEVES: (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) She has cast a contrary spell
and now she seems to contradict everything! One
must test this out! (TO FAIRY GM, DELIBERATELY) Is
that a wand in your hand?
FAIRY GM: No dear, this is my magic POTION. (CONDESCENDING
SMILE) Amateurs!
JEEVES: (THINKING HARD) one will have to trick her into
casting the spell we need! Ah - you have already
cast the spell to save the Princess from being a
lawyer.
FAIRY GM: No I haven't
JEEVES: Well you can't do it now!
FAIRY GM: Yes I jolly well can ducky - Right I need help
here:
JEEVES: (INDICATING AUDIENCE) They WON'T help you.
FAIRY GM: Oh yes they will.

-25-
JEEVES: (ENCOURAGE ALL) Oh no they won't.
FAIRY GM: (AND AUDIENCE) Oh yes we will!
ALL: Oh no you won't.
FAIRY GM: (AND AUDIENCE) Oh yes we will!
AND SO ON.
FAIRY GM: I have to shout out "Order in Court" and you have
to all shout out the magic worms "Here comes the
Judge" lets try... Order in Court (PAUSE)
FAIRY GM: Now all we do is yell it three times at max. vol. -
good old Max. Vol. Now for the spell...
FAIRY GM: With legal profession we turn to sleep
Evilla's spell we're forced to keep
Beauty dreams a dream so deep
From her slumbers awake to this
Soon to be no longer Miss
For she awaken's with a lawyer's KISS
FAIRY GM: here we go... Order in Court (PAUSE) Order in
Court... (PAUSE) Order in Court... (PAUSE AND DUSTS
HANDS) There done!
KING: The day is saved.
ALL: (THRILLED) Hooray... yes... etc.
FAIRY GM: Well, pretty well!
QUEEN: We're all saved, the princess is saved - oh thank
you!
FAIRY GM: Well think nothing of it queenie, but we're not
quite out of the woods yet! I cannot remove the
curse so I have eased it. Now, if she is
pricked...
QUEEN: Hold, hold, hold, hold - hold on one minute! Am I
given to understand that all is NOT fine and bright
and dandy?
FAIRY GM: Well pretty well, Now if she is pricked by a
hedgehog, couldn't change that bit - powerful stuff
hedgehog magic, She will fall asleep until, and
this is the clever bit, until she is KISSED by a
lawyer! (ARMS SPREAD TO TAKE APPLAUSE, BOW, ETC)
QUEEN: (PAUSE, SCREAM)
ALL: Oh No! What can we do... (ETC. THEN PANIC AND
SCREAM)

-26-
FROGS: (THROUGH CROWD AND INTO AUDITORIUM)
PIERRE: (GIVES CHASE WITH MEAT CLEVER)
COOK: He's nicked me chopper! (CHASE)
JEEVES: Stop Thief! (CHASE)
ALL: (GIVE CHASE)
KING AND QUEEN LEFT ON STAGE
QUEEN: (SWAYS) We're ruined! (FAINTS AWAY FROM KING)
KING: (HANDS OUT)
BLACK-OUT.

-27-
ACT II SCENE 1
QUEEN, KING, COOK AND JEEVES ON STAGE.
KING: Well?
QUEEN: I have a bad feeling. The Princess is growing up.
Evilla is bound to strike soon! There are so many
hedgehogs!
KING: Oh she doesn't seem the type to bear a grudge, I am
sure she's forgotten all about the mix-up with the
invitations. Don't worry your pretty little head
about that!
QUEEN: (WITH HARD CONTEMPTUOUS LOOK) Shut up you silly
man.
KING: Oh right yes - sorry dear. Sorry.
QUEEN: Cook?
COOK: Well the hedgehog ban has worked very well, the
only ones to slip through were cunningly disguised
as croquet balls and the unfortunate one who
pretended to be a toilet brush.
QUEEN: The ban is very effective but is it time to tell
Beauty or not? These hedgehogs are a menace! Does
she realise the havoc that one little prick can
cause? Jeeves?
JEEVES: Where ignorance is bliss, my lady, 'tis folly to be
wise.
QUEEN: (LONG LOOK AT KING) I take your point!
COOK: So we tell Beauty nothing?
QUEEN: Nothing!
JEEVES: Very good, my lady.
KING: Oh yes, yes, absolutely.
BEAUTY YOUNG: (ENTERS LEFT) You sent for me father?
KING: (GRAVELY) Yes my child come hither. Now listen
carefully - you have nothing to fear from hedgehogs
even if they prick you, nothing untoward will
happen - you won't fall asleep or anything. And
you certainly won't be press-ganged into a liaison
with the legal profession. Ha Ha. Is that quite
clear?
BEAUTY YOUNG: (TOTALLY CONFUSED) Yes father. Quite clear.

-28-
KING: Off you go and do a spot of fishing or... (USHERS
HER OUT, TO QUEEN) Well I think that went quite
well!
JEEVES: Indeed sir, your lack of perspicacity and sagacity
is an inspiration to us all.
KING: Oh do you really think so?
JEEVES: Indeed sir, your impervious asininity is legendary.
KING: A leader in my field eh?
JEEVES: Assuredly sir, and odds-on favourite!
QUEEN: Get out of my sight you, you buffoon! (DRIVES KING
AROUND STAGE AND OFF LEFT WITH HANDBAG AND KICKS TO
THE BEHIND)
KING/QUEEN: (OFF LEFT)
JEEVES: (OFFERS ARM TO COOK)
COOK: (TAKES ARM, DRAMATIC) We are seeing the start of
the hedgehog wars...
JEEVES COOK: (EXIT LEFT)

-29-
ACT II SCENE 2
EMPTY STAGE
BEAUTY YOUNG: (ENTER LEFT - CARRYING RAG DOLL, TALKING TO IT)
It's not easy being a princess you know? (AS IF THE
RAG DOLL IS ANSWERING) Oh why not? (EMPHATICALLY,
BEATING THE DOLL) Because I don't have anything to
do! I don't have any friends and I don't even have
anyone to talk to! (SUPER POSH) I mean "I do not
have a companion with whom I may converse."
BARRY YOUNG: Did you say something?
BEAUTY YOUNG: No I was talking... (LOOK AT RAG DOLL AND THEN
POSH) to one (BEAT) myself.
BARRY YOUNG: I'll talk to you.
BEAUTY YOUNG: You, really, do you know who I am?
BARRY YOUNG: Ehh, Cynthia Phillpot.
BAT: (QUIETLY ENTER LEFT AND LURK, SPYING ON PAIR)
BEAUTY YOUNG: No, who's she?
BARRY YOUNG: I don't know - I was just guessing. Why who are
you?
BEAUTY YOUNG: You won't laugh if I tell you - I've got a stupid
name. I'm called Beauty.
BARRY YOUNG: Well I can't laugh, I'm called Barry!
BEAUTY YOUNG: (ALL SMILES AND HAND OUT) Pleased to meet you
Barry, I am the Princess, The Heir Presumptive.
BARRY YOUNG: (SHAKING HAND ENTHUSIASTICALLY) I'm Barry, Barry
Blackfairy. Wow, you're a Princess, that's cool.
BAT: (GETS VERY EXCITED AND GOES TO GET EVILLA)
BEAUTY YOUNG: Not really, steady I think you've dislocated my
shoulder. (RUBBING SHOULDER WITH RAG DOLL) You're
supposed to just kiss it.
BARRY YOUNG: Oh OK, (TAKES RAG DOLL AND KISSES IT)
BEAUTY YOUNG: (SNATCHING BACK RAG DOLL - AND HITTING BARRY YOUNG
WITH IT) Not the doll you loony, my hand!
BARRY YOUNG: (TAKING RAG DOLL - AND HITTING BEAUTY YOUNG WITH
IT) Well, how am I supposed to know?
BAT/EVILLA: (RETURN AND SPY ON PAIR)

-30-
BEAUTY YOUNG: No one's, ever like that with me, will you be my
friend (EMBARRASSED) and, and play with me and you
know, just have fun?
BARRY YOUNG: Well I don't know, I think you're just being nice
to me because you're after my poverty. (HURRIES UP
RIGHT)
BEAUTY YOUNG: (FOLLOWS)
BEAUTY YOUNG AND BARRY YOUNG TALK AND
PLAY QUIETLY TOGETHER
EVILLA: So she's trying to take my Barry away is she. Well
she will rue the day. Wait! I have a plan, a
cunning plan, a plan so awesomely wicked it's
genius! Listen my little batfink! Let's plot!
(THEY GO INTO HUDDLE AS THEY PLOT)
BEAUTY YOUNG: I know, come with me, I want to show you something.
(STANDS AND LEADS BARRY YOUNG LEFT)
BARRY YOUNG: Where are we going?
BEAUTY YOUNG: I'm going to show you where I live.
BARRY YOUNG: Oh no - I don't think so! They'd take one look at
me and it will be "off with his head" and I've only
just had my hair cut. (LEADS BEAUTY YOUNG TO THE
RIGHT) Come on I know where we can go, it's a
secret, it can be our secret place.
BEAUTY YOUNG/BARRY YOUNG:(GO OFF HAPPILY, HAND IN HAND)
EVILLA/BAT: (WATCH THEM GO)

BAT: (TAKES MICKEY OUT OF THEM WALKING HAND IN HAND)

EVILLA: (TO AUDIENCE) Soon it will all be over and... be
quiet .. my plan is to turn you all into slugs and
toe nail clippings .. especially you! (POINT TO
ONE) Come Bat. (SWEEP OFF STAGE RIGHT)
BAT: (PULLS FACES AT AUDIENCE)
EVILLA: BAT!
BAT: (HURRIES AFTER EVILLA)
CLOSE TABS
ACT II SCENE 3
IN-FRONT OF ONES.
FROGS: (ENTER RIGHT - HURRY TO CENTRE STAGE - SHIVERS AND
QUAKES)

-31-
PIERRE: (ENTERS RIGHT, HURRIES - WIELDING A EGG-WHISK)
FROGS: (HOP OFF LEFT)
PIERRE: (HALTS CENTRE, OUT OF BREATH) They shall be mine,
oh yes, they shall be mine. (TWIRL EGG-WHISK)
(CHASE OFF LEFT)

-32-
ACT II SCENE 4
CURTAIN UP. EVILLA'S HAUNT.
BAT: (ENTERS LEFT)
EVILLA: (ENTER LEFT, DRAGGING LEAD AND COLLAR) Oh Barry,
where are you Barry? I've got a present for you!
BARRY YOUNG: (ENTER RIGHT) Hi mum, I was playing outside with ..
EVILLA: Ugh, don't call me names! (GHASTLY NICE MODE) Look
what I have for you - your very own pet! (HOLDS UP
EMPTY LEAD) Huh? (EXAMINES LEAD AND PUTS HAND
THROUGH COLLAR) It's gone. Hang about. (TO LEFT
WING) Get in 'ere
HEDGEHOG: (PET HEDGEHOG - ENTERS LEFT)
BARRY YOUNG: (RUSHING TO HUG HEDGEHOG) My very own pet! Ow! He's
all prickly!
EVILLA: Well of course he is, he's a hedgehog-g-g (COVERS
WITH COUGH) eh... a Tibetan llama!
BARRY YOUNG: My very own Tibetan lamer
EVILLA: Yeah, whatever. Now here we go...
EVILLA: Call me unreasonable, call me strong
Call me right, or call me wrong
Call all the hedgehogs to gather to this song
(LEAD DANCE)
AS MANY HEDGEHOGS AS POSSIBLE DANCING
TO LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA BY RICKY MARTIN
OR SIMILAR.
EVILLA: Dance little hedgehogs, the dance you know
Seek out the princess, where ever she go
Then prick her with a push just SO!
EVILLA/BAT: (WITH A PUSH TO ONE SIDE OF HER HIP) Ha Ha Ha. Be
gone! All of you, away.
ALL: (SCAMPER OFF STAGE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE)
EVILLA: Oh you poor hapless fools - I told you I would win.
I warned you. Ha and they call me unreasonable.
Well now I can take my leisure and all will work-
out wonderfully badly. Come my little familiar let
us take a well earned break. Tea and biscuits? No,
then Brandy and cigars.
EVILLA/BAT: (DANCE OFF - VERY HAPPY)

CURTAIN CLOSE

-33-
ACT II SCENE 5
FROGS: (RUSH INTO AUDITORIUM AND TAKE SEATS WITH AUDIENCE)
PIERRE: (STAGGERS IN OUT OF BREATH WIELDING BAGPIPES) Three
years at RADA. Four with the Royal Shakespeare
Company! Now look at me. (GETS BREATH BACK) Right,
the show must... (PANT PANT) The show must...
(PANT)
MAN: (OFF) GO ON!
PIERRE: Here we go again. (FRENCH ACCENT. TO AUDIENCE)
Pardon me madame, 'ave you seen a Froggie pass this
way? Excuse'm moi, mon enfant, do you conceal my
froggie dinner? Oh la la I am, how you say,
knackered! You Monsieur, you would not deprive a
poor Frenchman of his repast? (A LITTLE IRATE)
I am not stupid you know, we will wait here until
the missing froggies 'ave been located .. .. .. I
am waiting. (PICKING ON ONE OF THE FROGS) You, 'ave
you seen the hoppity ones.
FROG1: (SHAKE HEAD VIOLENTLY)
PIERRE: (TURN AWAY AND WALKS TO STAGE)
FROG1: Ribbet!
PIERRE: (TURNS BRANDISHING BAGPIPES) What, did you say?
FROG2 FROG3: Ribbet, ribbet. (ENCOURAGE AUDIENCE TO JOIN IN)
PIERRE: Oh No I am 'aving an attack of the Froggies. (RUNS
OUT CHASED BY FROGS)
FROGS: (CHASE PIERRE OFF AND EXIT)

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ACT II SCENE 6
CURTAIN OPEN. COOKS KITCHEN. TABLE
OVEN. RUBBER CHICKEN, ROLLING PIN.
COOK IS, WRESTLING WITH A RUBBER
CHICKEN
COOK: Hello darlings! I'll be right with you, I'm just
making a chicken pie.
PICKS UP ROLLING PIN, STRIKES HARD,
HITS THUMB, YELPS, PUTS THUMB IN MOUTH
AND SHAKES OTHER HAND AS IN IT IS
PAINFUL
Come on little chicken, I already explained to you,
your part in this pantomime!
GRABS ROLLING PIN AND CHICKEN IN WRONG
HANDS, HOLDS PIN AND WIELDS CHICKEN
LIKE A MALLET, SLOWLY REALISES PIN IS
NOT CHICKEN, TURNS TO SEE CHICKEN ON
SHOULDER, SCREAMS AND WRESTLES CHICKEN
INTO OVEN INSTEAD
Roast Chicken, that'll do. Good enough for Deliah,
good enough for royalty. (TAKES BREATH) Hello
darlings! Welcome to my kitchen.
Terrible things are afoot at the Castle. You
remember the hedgehog riots last week at La
Campagne! Yes? Well the hedgehogs have been
laying siege to the castle walls and anybody who
tries to break their lines, are run at, backwards!
I suppose it's their way of getting their points
across. Ha Ha.

TAP TAPPING NOISE

COOK: What the... (OPENS OVEN, TAKES OUT RUBBER CHICKEN)
Oh silly me, poor little thing must have been
perished, I forgot to turn the gas on! Oh well,
we'll have salad instead.
THROWS CHICKEN INTO WING RIGHT, SOUND
OF DOG GROWLING
COOK: I wish that stage manager would have something to
eat before he comes here! Now where was I? Oh yes,
the hedgehogs, well we're inundated with attack
hedgehogs. And they are so tenacious, they hurl
themselves at doors and walls. Disguise themselves
as brushes, balls, shoes, slippers, second hand car
salesmen. When the man from the Pru comes round
you check his id. - I always do. Oh yes always, I
like to see his little piccy, you can't be too
careful, can you ladies? (CHANGE PACE TO SAD) Oh
but, I'm not a happy woman, I have a dark and
miserable secret, that haunts me to this very day.

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 (TAKES LARGE HANDKERCHIEF AND WIPES EYES - WRINGS
IT OUT INTO METAL BUCKET) I renounced my title when
I made my little mistake (TO MAN IN AUDIENCE) No
not that sort of mistake, I'll see you later!
(GENERAL) I lost my hearts delight in in Ohh (BLOWS
NOSE - LOAD RASPING NOISE) in London (FLOODS OF
TEARS AGAIN) I was going to Bright - ton (MORE
TEARS)
Ohh it's the worst thing that can happen to a
mother, and it was all my fault, I put my bag down
and forgot, just like that. Oh cheer me up please,
you'll help cheer a silly old Mrs Stir up, won't
you.
I know I'll tell you what my true love gave me for
Christmas. (AT MAN) What him? No not him, I oh, I
don't know though! (LITTLE FLIRTY WAVE, THEN
GENERAL) No I mean Jeeves, Oh now I've told you and
it's supposed to be a secret. Especially from him -
yes - "indeed" as he would say.

Now where was I? Petals. Oh yes hedgehogs well...

In fact there are so many hedgehogs do you know
what I got for Christmas? Well I'll tell you, in
fact I'll sing it to you if you'll help me. I do
need your help, I need all the help I can get. I
have a very unusual voice, at school my music
teacher compared me to a fish! Yes, a FISH. In my
report he wrote down that I was CARP. Hmm I think
that's what he wrote! Still here we go lovies...
SING THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS WITH
HEDGEHOGS IN PLACE OF OTHER ITEMS.

COOK: Oh yes, I feel much better now, I feel like a new

woman! Now, I have something very important to say
to you. These hedgehogs are a proper menace and we
must protect ourselves from them. So if you see
one, I want you to shout out.
Pretend there's one behind me, OK, Try it...
Excellent. OK, we should be pretty safe now!
JEEVES: (ENTERS LEFT)
HEDGEHOG: (ENTERS LEFT DIRECTLY BEHIND JEEVES)
COOK: No, No, that's a butler it's quite different! No,
a butler is black and white and very clever and
capable, and handsome and strong and just oozing
with testosterone...
JEEVES: (LOOK ALL PROUD)

-36-
COOK: Yes, and his always cool and debonair, never, never
flaps and certainly never, never, never looses his
nerve!
HEDGEHOG: (HAS TURNED ROUND AND BACKS INTO JEEVES)
JEEVES: (YELPS AND JUMPS INTO THE AIR CLUTCHING BEHIND.
TURNS AND SEES HEDGEHOG RUNS AROUND KITCHEN
AVOIDING HEDGEHOG)
HEDGEHOG: (CHASES JEEVES)
COOK: (PAUSE) (ROLLS UP SLEEVES. PICKS UP ROLLING PIN
THEN YELLING) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
JEEVES/HEDGEHOG: (STOP, STARE AT COOK)
COOK: NOW!
JEEVES/HEDGEHOG: (EXIT LEFT FAST)
COOK: Well, as you can see we're going to need all the
help we can get! I must get on now I have simply
oodles to do. See you later. Bye. (WAVE)
CLOSE TABS

-37-
ACT II SCENE 7
BARRY YOUNG: (ENTERS LEFT) I wonder where Beauty is, I haven't
seen her for ages and ages.
HEDGEHOG: (ENTERS RIGHT - COCKY WALK)
BARRY YOUNG: Hey, Harry, How are you boy - where have you been?
I hope you have been behaving. .. I've been
looking for the girl again, you know my friend. I
don't see why I have to meet her in secret. I
thought I might show you to her sometime - she's
never seen a Tibetan Llama. Come on let's get back
home, I'll give you a game of chess... bet you
can't win twice in a row!
HEDGEHOG: Tut.

-38-
ACT II SCENE 8
OPEN TABS
BARRY YOUNG SITTING ON A STONE.
BARRY YOUNG: (SCRATCHING WITH A STICK IN THE DIRT)
BEAUTY YOUNG: (ENTER LEFT) (PLEASE TO SEE BARRY YOUNG) Hello, I
was hoping you'd be here.
BARRY YOUNG: I've been here, week after week after week. Where
have you been!
BEAUTY YOUNG: I couldn't get away. I told you it's very
difficult - what with the hedgehog wars - they've
been shipping hedgehogs out all over. (PAUSE) Do
you know I've never seen a hedgehog.
BARRY YOUNG: really?
BEAUTY YOUNG: No. Have you?
BARRY YOUNG: What me, seen a hedgehog - well no. But I've got a
pet. It's a Tibetan Llama. I'll bring him to show
you if you like?
BEAUTY YOUNG: You'd better not - we'd only get into trouble.
BARRY YOUNG: Do you want a Rolo?
BEAUTY YOUNG: Yes please, oh it's your last one!
BARRY YOUNG: That's OK, you can have it!
BEAUTY YOUNG: (TAKES ROLO AND EATS IT)
BARRY YOUNG: Why are they throwing all the hedgehogs out?
BEAUTY YOUNG: (STILL EATING ROLO) HuI Dohnn Hnoo (START LAUGHING)
BARRY YOUNG: (LAUGHS AT BEAUTY YOUNG TRYING TO SPEAK, HANDS OVER
POKEMON_CARD) Here you can have this Pokemon card
it's a good 'un!
BEAUTY YOUNG: Oh thank you, you're very nice - tell you what I'll
keep that if you keep this... (TAKES CINDY_DOLL
FROM POCKET - LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ELSE)
BARRY YOUNG: Do I have to - I mean I like you and all that but
well - you know... it's a bit.
BEAUTY YOUNG: (BRING JEWELLED DAGGER FROM POCKET)
BARRY YOUNG: Oh smart!
BEAUTY YOUNG: I'm meant to keep, it to protect myself and all
that, but I wouldn't know how to fire it.

-39-
BARRY YOUNG: I'll use it to protect you from the hedgehogs...
(STANDS AND OFFERS HAND TO BEAUTY YOUNG)
BEAUTY YOUNG: (TAKES HAND) Is it time?
BARRY YOUNG: yeah, we'd better.
GO BEHIND TREE TOGETHER AND OLDER PAIR
COME OUT OTHER SIDE.
BARRY: Have you still got that card thing I gave you,
after all this time?
BEAUTY: Of course - I hope you still have that knife?
BARRY: Yeah, I've still got it - I think I did slightly
better out of the deal than you. Ha ha it's a good
job I'm here to look after you.
BEAUTY: Oh really, I was offered a swap for that pokemon
card the other day - it seems it's very rare
indeed. He wanted to swap a ferrari for it. Now
what have you done with that knife - open a few
bills perhaps.
BARRY: Oh, so you swapped the card I gave you then - shows
how faithful you are... huh.
BEAUTY: No, I kept the card.
BARRY: What, are you totally brainless - I wish you'd ask
me before making these decisions. You should have
snatched his hand off. Nay his arm and shoulder
too.
BEAUTY: But I can't drive!
BARRY: Immaterial! I suppose it was the wrong colour too.
BEAUTY: No it's just...
BARRY: Something like that falls into you lap - and you
don't even mention it.
BEAUTY: It's just that it will be worth twice as much next
year.
BARRY: Oh really! Clever girl. So trade it next year.
BEAUTY: No.
BARRY: What! Why?
BEAUTY: Well you gave it me and I said I would keep it.
BARRY: (COY) Because I gave it to you? Really? Go on say
it again!

-40-
BEAUTY: Because you gave it me!
BARRY: Tell you what - how about another swap?
BEAUTY: How's your Tibetan Llama?
BARRY: Harry, oh he's fine, do you want to meet him?
BEAUTY: I wouldn't mind. But he is extremely rare. Yes, I
asked Jeeves and he said that the Tibetan Lama was
an ecclesiastical potentate given to foreign travel
and dispensing wisdom.
BARRY: Really?
BEAUTY: Yes, really.
BARRY: Well that doesn't sound like Harry - all he ever
does is eat mynah bird food, and he's a bit messy
at that.
BEAUTY: Jeeves said that he was unique but then they
wouldn't be able to .. to .. well you know, breed.
BARRY: Ah well no - I mean yes - but then I've only ever
seen one! Shall I get him?
BEAUTY: Yes OK.
BARRY: (EXITS RIGHT)
JEEVES/COOK: (ENTER LEFT)
JEEVES: And just where have you been Miss - we have been
searching the castle and grounds for you!

COOK: (CALLING INTO WING LEFT) She's over here.

BEAUTY: I've been talking with my friend.
JEEVES/COOK: (TAKEN ABACK, CONCERNED) Friend?
JEEVES: Well I'm sorry Miss but we have to return now.
BEAUTY: We certainly do not - I have made an arrangement to
meet a friend and his pet and here I remain until
that time.
JEEVES: Very good Miss.
COOK: (TO JEEVES) Is that it?
JEEVES: Yes that is it - SHE is the Princess.
KING/QUEEN: (ENTER LEFT)
KING: Right - there you are! Come on then lets go.

-41-
JEEVES: I am sorry Sire - but the Princess cannot leave:
she has a prior appointment in this location.
KING: Oh right, yes, yes of course.
QUEEN: Appointment? Here? Who-ever with?
COOK: (gossipy) Ooo well - it seems she has a friend
here, they must have been meeting for sometime -
you can't very well hit upon this place by
accident. And he is going to introduce his pet to
her - so they must be quite chummy. Mustn't they?
Err... Lovie, err, sweetness, I mean queeny, err
madam.
BARRY/HEDGEHOG:(ENTER RIGHT)
BARRY: Here's Harry!
KING/QUEEN/JEEVES/COOK: (ALL SEE HEDGEHOG AND PANIC)
KING AND JEEVES MOVE IN ON BARRY PICK
HIM UP AND TAKE HIM TO STAGE RIGHT.
QUEEN AND COOK PICK UP BEAUTY AND TAKE
HER TO STAGE LEFT. HEDGEHOG HAS
INDECISION FIT CENTRE STAGE. BEAUTY
CALLS AND CALLS FOR BARRY. BARRY CALLS
AND CALLS FOR BEAUTY. OTHERS MAKE
ANNOYED SOUNDS.
HEDGEHOG CURLS UP - UP CENTRE. HIDING.
BAT ENTERS RIGHT, VERY SLOWLY AND
QUIETLY MAKES SURE THAT HEDGEHOG IS
WELL HIDDEN
QUEEN: Silence! (WITH A SHAKING FINGER TO BARRY) You are
hereby banished, take him away!
BEAUTY: Wait, he was only showing me his pet!
BARRY: (STRUGGLES FREE) I was showing her my very rare
Tibetan Llama!
KING: That's not, (LOOKING ROUND) wasn't a Tibetan
Llama... (TO JEEVES) was it?
JEEVES: It was most definitely NOT a Tibetan Llama it was
(LOOK BAT UP AND DOWN IN QUIZZICAL WAY) it was
(DRAMATIC PAUSE) a hedgehog.
BEAUTY/QUEEN/KING/COOK: (SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH) No!
JEEVES: I'm afraid so.
BEAUTY: (SHOUTING AT BARRY) Criminal! Smuggler!
BARRY: But Beauty, I wouldn't do anything to harm you. I
couldn't. I Lo...

-42-
QUEEN: (VERY LOUDLY) Take him away - flog him
KING: Well you won't get much for him.
QUEEN: Well just banish him then!
JEEVES/KING: (TAKE BARRY OFF RIGHT)
BARRY: (GOES OFF, MISERABLE)
QUEEN/COOK: (COMFORT BEAUTY, LEAD HER OFF LEFT)
BEAUTY: sob, sob, sob etc. (OFF LEFT)
BAT: (PAUSE) (EXTRACT HEDGEHOG THEN ALL IN MIME TELLS
HEDGEHOG TO SEEK OUT PRINCESS AND BUMP HER TO PRICK
HER. THEN GIVES HEDGEHOG THE DISGUISE)
HEDGEHOG: (THUMBS UP AND LITTLE OK DANCE AND OFF LEFT)
BAT: (MOCK AUDIENCE AND OFF RIGHT)
FADE TO BLACK
CLOSE TABS

-43-
ACT II SCENE 9
BEAUTY ALONE IN CASTLE ROOM. SOME
MOURNFUL MUSIC.
BEAUTY: sob, sob, sob.
HEDGEHOG: (ENTERS RIGHT) (TAKES OFF DISGUISE, DRAMATIC POSE)
BEAUTY: (SURPRISED) Harry! Oh, it's good to see you. (RUNS
OVER AND HUGS HIM) (PRICKS FINGER, LOOKS AT HARRY,
AT FINGER)
MAGICAL MUSIC??
BEAUTY: (STAGERS TRYING TO STAY AWAKE, MOVES UP RIGHT, AND
FALLS)
FALSE WALLS SLID IN TO COVER BEAUTY AND
HEDGEHOG
KING/QUEEN: (ENTER LEFT, TALKING, START STAGGERING, AND FALL
ASLEEP)
FALSE WALLS SLID IN TO COVER KING AND
QUEEN
JEEVES: (ENTERS RIGHT, STAGGERS ABOUT, FALLS ASLEEP)
BRIAR AND VEGETATION COME IN TO COVER
ALL STAGE
EVILLA: (STRIDES IN, TRIUMPHANT DANCE)
BAT: (EXAGGERATED DANCE)

EVILLA: I win - told you so! Ha, ha. Who are you going to
turn to now they're all asleep! You blew it
lowlife. Three cheers for the champs. Hip Hip ..
.. Hip Hip .. .. Hip Hip!
EVILLA/BAT: (STRUT OFF RIGHT)
CLOSE TABS

-44-
ACT II SCENE 10
PIERRE: (ENTER LEFT, WIELDING A STIRRUP PUMP) (TO AUDIENCE)
Sshhhhh. (TIP TOE OFF RIGHT)
FROGS: (ENTER LEFT) (WHERE IS HE GESTURE, TO AUDIENCE)
(ALL HUDDLE)
FROG1: (EXIT CAREFULLY RIGHT)
FROG2: (EXIT CAREFULLY LEFT)
FROG3: (PANIC) (LOOK RIGHT, LOOK LEFT, RUN RIGHT, RUN
LEFT, RUN RIGHT AND EXIT)

-45-
ACT II SCENE 11
OVERGROWN CASTLE
BARRY
(ENTERS LEFT CARRYING LARGE HANDBAG)
(PLACES HANDBAG CENTRE STAGE) Well
Mother had her evil way then. (TO
AUDIENCE) why didn't you stop her?
What can I do now? Shall I take a
look? What do you think?
It can't do any harm - can it!
(PUSH WAY THROUGH BRIARS)
COOK: (ENTERS RIGHT) Well, it's all gone horribly wrong.
Not only has Evilla taken over the land, she has
expelled all the lawyers as well - so there's no
hope even from the good fairy's spell. We're
doomed, we're all doomed. (SUDDENLY SEES HANDBAG)
Oh look - oh it can't be but, but yes it is. It's
mine, (looks underneath) yes it really is. I
wonder who left it there? Where did they go?
Where? In here? I shall follow. You never know,
we may have a happy ending yet! (FOLLOWS BARRY
THROUGH BRIARS)
EVILLA: (ENTERS LEFT) Hello boys and girls, it's me, Evilla
the Queen of Station Road! Now which of you clever
people cheered for me? (COUNT SEVERAL HEADS IN THE
AUDIENCE) No one! I thought so. So let us recap.
I won and you, how did you fair? - That's right you
lost! That's right my miserable failures, you
LOST! Get used to it! (EXITS RIGHT)

SCENERY IS PULLED BACK TO REVEAL BARRY

SEEING BEAUTY (FAST ASLEEP)

MUSIC UNCHAINED MELODY OR SIMILAR

BARRY TRIES TO AWAKEN BEAUTY IN VARIOUS

WAYS AND THEY DANCE TOGETHER BEAUTY
STILL ASLEEP, FALLING ABOUT AND
GENERALLY FLOPPY AND DOCILE. AT THE END
OF THE DANCE BARRY GOES TO KISS BEAUTY.
COOK: (ENTERING LEFT WITH HANDBAG) Do you really think
that is wise?

BARRY: Huh? Who are you?

COOK: That depends. You do realise that you are holding
a Princess!

-46-
BARRY: Ooh. (LETS GO)
BEAUTY: (TOTTERS AND BEGINS TO FALL)
BARRY: (GRABS HER AGAIN)
COOK: Just who are you?
EVILLA/BAT: (ENTERS RIGHT)
EVILLA: He, is my son. He is Barry Blackfairy. So you
loose out again - cook.
COOK: This bag, who's is it?
BARRY: Oh that's mine I left it outside. (MAKES TO GET IT)
BEAUTY: (FALLS AGAIN)
BARRY: (HURRIES BACK TO CATCH HER) I'll .. erm .. pick it
up later.
COOK: From whence did you steal it?
EVILLA: What's it to you, dough brain?
BARRY: No, it's mine, I've always had it, in fact it's
rather a remarkable story...
EVILLA: Barry, dearest, we don't want to bore total
strangers with our stories.
COOK: Were you found in it?
BARRY: (AGOG) Yes.

COOK: Kiss her!

BARRY: I, I beg your pardon.
COOK: Kiss her, the Princess, kiss her!
EVILLA: What are up to, you scheming scuzz-bucket!
COOK: Kiss her! What's the matter with you? Kiss her!
BARRY: (BASHFUL) Well, I'd don't like to, I mean, you
know, everybody looking and her being asleep.
Still, if you say so.
COOK: Go'orn my son.
EVILLA: Don't do it Barry.
BARRY: Too late - I've started, so I'll finish. (KISSES
PRINCESS)

-47-
BEAUTY: (AWAKENS) Oh (YAWN) oh yes. Of course I will. Of
course I'll marry you.
BARRY: Who's she talking to?
JEEVES/KING/QUEEN: (ENTER LEFT, ALL SLEEPY)
KING: Good morning everybody - what's for breakfast?
QUEEN: (ANGERED) That's, that's Evilla the Black Fairy,
she cursed us all!
KING: (POLITE - WITH HAND FORWARD) Oh, how d'ya do,
pleased to meet you.
QUEEN: Oh, heavens!
JEEVES: What happened to the spell?
EVILLA: I don't know, there I was, supreme ruler of the
universe and then phadonk, it's back to me and me
son, taking in washing.
BARRY: Excuse me one moment? (TO BEAUTY) Who did you say
you were going to marry?
BEAUTY: You.
KING/QUEEN/JEEVES: Whom?
BARRY: Sorry. WHOM did you say you were going to marry?
BEAUTY: (COSILY) Youm.
QUEEN: You can't!

KING: Certainly not. You have a position to uphold. You

cannot marry any old riff raff.
EVILLA: My son is good enough for your daughter.
KING: Just who are you?
BARRY: Well there's rather an amusing tale there. You see,
my parents are unknown, because I was a foundling!
JEEVES: To lose one parent may be considered a misfortune,
to lose both looks like carelessness.
QUEEN: (EDITH EVANS) Just where were you found, Mr
Worthing?
BARRY: Mr Worthing? Oh me. I was found in a handbag.
KING/QUEEN/JEEVES: A HANDBAG.
BARRY: Just so.

-48-
COOK: If I might intercede on behalf of our young friend.
It just so happens that I, many years ago, had a
son. Finding my hands rather full and my handbag
rather capacious, placed the child within it's
confines.
Unfortunately I misplaced the handbag and when I
returned it was no longer to be found.
QUEEN: In what location did these events transpire?
COOK: Victoria Station (PAUSE) The Brighton Line.
QUEEN: The line is immaterial.
JEEVES: So to get to the nub of the matter - This young man
is your son.
COOK: And consequently he is called...
ALL: BARRY STIR!
EVILLA: (SLOWLY) Barry, Stir, Barry, Barry Stir, Barrystir!
Barrister! Curses, Foiled again!
QUEEN: Jeeves would you show Evilla to the window please.
(TO EVILLA) Oh and mind the step.
KING: So, we now have a cook's son vying for the
Princess's hand.
COOK: No so, for I am in point of fact and law, Duchess
Stir, I went into hiding after the events I have
just now related.
KING: So all has worked out for the good. The princess
Beauty can marry the new Duke, Evilla has left the
realm, and Cook can marry Jeeves.
JEEVES: A happy ending all.... (REALISING) What, your
kidding. I, I couldn't poss..possibly marry, I'm
Hmmm
PIERRE: (RUSHES IN FROM LEFT TO CENTRE STAGE)
FROG1: (ENTERS LEFT, UP TO PIERRE)
FROG2: (ENTERS RIGHT, UP TO PIERRE)
FROG3: (FROM UP LEFT, DOWN CENTRE AND IN FRONT OF PIERRE.
TOUCHES PIERRE AND SHOUTS OUT) You're it!
ALL: (LAUGH)
KING: JEEVES, shades, hat. Take it!

-49-
BLUES BROTHERS "EVERYBODY NEEDS
SOMEBODY" WITH WHOLE COMPANY.

THE END

-50-