Transactional Analysis Journal

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Abandonment and Engulfment Issues in

Relationship Therapy

Landy Gobes

To cite this article: Landy Gobes (1985) Abandonment and Engulfment Issues in Relationship
Therapy, Transactional Analysis Journal, 15:3, 216-219, DOI: 10.1177/036215378501500306

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 Abandonment and Engulfment Issues
in Relationship Therapy
Landy Gobes
Abstract
Unresolved abandonment and engulfment
issues may be activated by space and close-
ness needs of people in a relationship. Treat-
ment interventions are divided into four
categories: blocked development, script deci-
sions, introjections, and communication
problems.
Jacob Bronowski (1973) had avery descrip-
tive name for human beings: he called us
••social solitaries." We are individuals with our
own thoughts and feelings and a strong need
for independence; at the same time we are
social creatures who hunger for stimulation,
recognition, and structure from others (Berne,
1972). We each need to be close to other peo-
ple, and we each need space from others.
Although many people find they are much more
aware of one end of the continuum than the
other, each of us is capable of feeling the
discomforts of both abandonment and engulf-
ment. (To demonstrate this to yourself, first
imagine that suddenly no one at all will
acknowledge your existence; then imagine that
you are indefinitely confined in a small space
with several other people.)
In relationships, these changing individual
needs for closeness and space can create pro-
blems. These problems can be solved at the in-
terpersonallevel (for example, learning good
communication skills) unless there are aban-
donment or engulfment issues from the past that
have not been resolved. The unresolved fear
of abandonment or engulfment may become ac-
tive when a partner pulls away or moves closer.
For example, her move toward closeness may
feel like engulfment to him. If he pulls away
to avoid that engulfment, she may feel aban-
doned and may clutch even more. At this point
the problem has become circular and painful.
216
Presenting problems that this couple might
bring to therapy are, "He's never home," or
"She is always nagging me about something."
There are other presenting problems that sug-
gest an abandonment and/or engulfment focus
for therapy. Couples who say, "We can't live
without each other, but we can't live together
either, " may be so afraid of abandonment that
they cling together, getting space only through
fighting. Or, engulfment may so frighten a per-
son that he leaves one relationship after another
or finds himself unable to be in a relationship
at all.
In relationship therapy I have divided treat-
ment for abandonment and engulfment issues
into four categories. These categories are:
blocked development, script decisions, intro-
jections, and a combination of poor com-
munication skills and missing information about
relationships. These four areas of treatment are
not necessarily mutually exclusive: people who
are developmentally stuck might also need
work with script decisions, introjections, and/or
communication.
Blocked Development
In this category at least one individual in the
relationship is developmentally stuck and does
not have enough sense of self to make good
contact with another person. Bader and Pear-
son (1983) use Mahler's (1975) stages of
separation and individuation to describe
diagnosis and treatment for couples when one
or both persons are using the relationship to
complete an earlier developmental task. In-
dividual therapy rather than or in addition to
relationship work may be prescribed for these
clients whose fears of abandonment and engulf-
ment are part of their process of attainment of
object maturity.
For example, Dave was very close to his
mother as a young child and as a teenager. He
Transactional Analysis Journal
 ABANDONMENT AND ENGULFMENT ISSUES IN RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
was still living at home when he met and mar-
ried Sue. Several years later, Dave and Sue
came into therapy. Dave said that he felt
smothered by Sue, and was starting to think
about a separation. However, he also said that
as he looked at ads for apartments he became
terrified at the thought of being alone. At this
point a therapist might hypothesize that Dave
had transferred his symbiotic attachment from
his mother to Sue and was now starting into the
differentiation state of separation and individua-
tion. Treatment would include individual
therapy for Dave and for Sue with different
therapists as well as occasional sessions
together. This would allow Dave to complete
the process of becoming a separate individual
in therapy instead of in his marriage.
Script Decisions
When a child experiences or fantasizes aban-
donment or engulfment, he may make a deci-
sion that will have a direct influence on his rela-
tionships. The child's experience of engulfment
may have been one of smothering while being
nursed, over-protective or overly critical
parenting, or an entrapment experience such as
being shut in a closet. The experience of aban-
donment may have been due to the death or loss
of a parent or a pet, or it may have been a
response to any level of ongoing neglect by the
child's caregivers. When a script decision such
as "I'll never let myself get closed in" or "I
can't ever stay alone" is influencing a person's
relationship, some form of Redecision work
(Goulding and Goulding, 1979) is appropriate.
Using the Racket System (Erskine and Zalc-
man, 1979) with a couple is an excellent way
to discover what each person decided about
relationships as a child, to help the couple
understand the connection between the relation-
ship issues and childhood experiences, and to
move the therapy into Redecision work.
Another way to approach therapy on script
decisions about abandonment and engulfment
is to use the following questions: "Who wasn't
there for you when you were small?" or "Who
or what did you have to get away from in your
childhood?"
Introjection
The fear of abandonment or engulfment may
be located in the Parent ego state of the client.
Vol. 15. No.3. July 1985
For example, rather than experiencing a
traumatic abandonment episode herself, a per-
son may have introjected her mother's fear of
being alone.
There are two ways to proceed with treat-
ment when the abandonment or engulfment
issue is in the Parent. One is to do therapy with
the Parent ego state of the client (Mellor and
Andrewartha, 1980); the other is to decon-
taminate by helping a person separate from her
father or her mother. The form and the degree
of pathology in the Parent ego state will deter-
mine whether one or both treatment methods
are used.
When introjection is the issue, I start with
a Parent interview (McNeel, 1976). I ask the
client to move to a different chair and to role-
play her Parent. After I have talked to this
Parent and established him or her as a person
with his or her own life and problems, I may
either go ahead with therapy for this Parent ego
state and then do the separation, or I may pro-
ceed directly to the separation interventions
described in the following paragraphs.
Lois was terrified to be alone at night. When
arrangements to have someone stay over when
her husband went out of town became too com-
plicated and embarrassing, she asked to work
on this fear in therapy. After some unsuccessful
attempts to find an experience from her
childhood that might be relevant, I asked her
about her parents. "Oh yes," she said, "my
mother has always been afraid to stay alone."
I asked Lois to sit in another chair and role-
play her mother (Ida). As I talked to Ida I learn-
ed that she had been left alone by her parents
many times as a young child and had been very
frightened. After assuring Ida that I understood
her fear, I asked Lois to return to her own seat
and visualize her mother in the other chair.
Then I said, "Lois, tell your mother all the
ways that the two of you are alike. After men-
tioning several ways in which she resembled
her mother, Lois began to be aware of dif-
ferences. At this point I said, "Now tell your
mother some of the ways you are different,
using the form, 'I am , and you are
____.' For example, 'I am~, and
you are~.'"
When Lois had expressed many differences
and thus made a visual and a verbal separation,
I had her separate kinesthetically. I sat in Ida's
chair and put the palms of my hands up and
217
 LANDY GOBES
out toward Lois. As our palms touched and we
could feel the boundary between us, we both
said, "This is yOU." Then we each hugged
ourselves and said, "This is me.' I asked Lois
to close her eyes and do the exercise with me
several times at her own pace while imagining
it was her mother from whom she was
separating.
When we had completed this exercise, I
moved back to my chair and asked her to say
whatever she thought was important to say to
her Parent. (At this point I can judge the degree
of separation or decontamination the client has
achieved.) Lois said, "Mom, you were left
alone as a child, and so you were terrified when
Dad was gone overnight; but I am not you, and
I do not need to be afraid when Bill goes out
of town."
If the separation interventions had not been
successful with Lois, I would have asked her
in another session to move to the same chair,
and role-play her mother again. Now I would
do therapy with "Ida," helping Ida to resolve
her fear of abandonment. Working with Lois'
Parent ego state helps relieve the intrapsychic
pressure on Lois. As a result, Lois would now
be more able to finish the decontamination and
then resolve her own lingering fears of being
alone.
Communication Problems
I often start (and end) relationship therapy
at the interpersonal level. Sometimes there are
no developmental or intrapsychic blocks; if
there are, interpersonal work will provide in-
formation about where the blocks might be and
will improve the relationship while the in-
dividuals work through other issues.
One intervention to use at this level is the
Stroke Strategy With Couples (Gobes, 1981).
A person might be experiencing abandonment
because his partner is giving strokes in a form
he doesn't recognize. For example, she may
be cleaning the house for him instead of
touching him, or he may be buying her things
instead of saying "I love you."
Another intervention is contracting - the
ongoing process by which a couple finds a
rhythm of contact and withdrawal. I teach each
person to ask for what he or she wants, to
understand what the other person wants, and
to find a way for both sets of needs to be met.
Contracting is a skill a couple will use in many
218
ways and an essential tool for the management
of space and closeness conflicts.
A third important set of interventions is bas-
ed on the Gestalt therapy concept of intimacy
as contact at the boundary between individuals
(Perls, Hefferline, and Goodman, 1951). One
way to establish that both people in the rela-
tionship are individuals and that they can have
contact at the boundary between them is the
"This is you" - "This is me" exercise
described earlier. Here, the partners do the ex-
ercise with each other keeping their eyes open.
Another boundary exercise is to have first
one and then the other person say, "I'm aware
that I (insert an internal awareness of self), and
I'm aware that you (insert a behaviorally based
observation about the other). For example, Ann
says, "I'm aware that I am uncomfortable do-
ing this exercise, and I'm aware that you look
bored." Bob's reply might be, "I'm aware that
I am not sure how to do this, but I'm not bored;
I'm aware that you do look uncomfortable."
Ann responds, "I am aware I'm glad you're
not bored, and I'm not uncomfortable now, and
I'm aware you are starting to smile." As
therapist, you will be able to help people cor-
rect their mind reading tendencies and teach
them to distinguish between what they observe
and what they imagine or project. Following
this format allows each person to be aware of
self, of other, and of their growing intimacy
as they make contact at the boundary between
them.
Conclusion
Within a relationship, people need time away
from each other as well as good contact with
each other. A person's unresolved fear of aban-
donment or engulfment may be activated by his
partner's need for space or closeness.
These unresolved fears of abandonment or
engulfment may be due to blocked develop-
ment, a script decision, introjection of some-
one else's fears, or a combination of poor com-
munication skills and missing information about
relationships. In this article I have presented
treatment interventions for these four
categories.
I believe that there are three conditions for
a good relationship. First, each person must be
aware she or he is a separate person and will
always be independent. Next, each person
chooses to be in the relationship and to be
Transactional Analysis Journal
 ABANDONMENT AND ENGULFMENT ISSUES IN RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
independent. Next, each person chooses to be
in the relationship and to be dependent in some
ways within the relationship. Finally, each per-
son must be aware of his or her ongoing needs
for space and closeness, be able to articulate
those needs, and be able to recognize and
validate the space and closeness needs of the
other person. A relationship is a process, not
a product. There is no "Happily Ever After,"
only "Who am I today?" and "Who are you?"
and "How shall we enjoy our contact and our
withdrawal, our closeness and our space?"
LandyGobes, MSW, is a Clinical Provisional
Teaching Member in I. T.A.A. and conducts a
privatepracticein therapyand trainingin New
Britain, Connecticut.
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