Hiraeth

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/8899477.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Relationship: Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Min Yoongi | Suga/Park Jimin
Character: Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Kim Seokjin | Jin,
Jeon Jungkook, Park Jimin (BTS), Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung |
V
Additional Tags: taekook, yoonmin, but mostly taekook centric, a lot of manipulation on
Jeongguk's part, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced
Cheating, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism,
Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Heavy
Angst, but there's a lot of fluff in between, jeongguk is just trying to find
himself, Mutual Pining, idk why i'm torturing taekook like this sorry,
Smut, Blowjobs, Rimming, Switching, College AU, fratboy jeongguk,
Mental Instability, Psychosis, Yoongi and Jimin are very caring and soft,
A lot of yoonkook bonding, Yoongi just really cares abt Jeongguk,
Alternate Universe - College/University, Diary of an Oxygen Thief Au,
Taehyung has ADHD, Overdose
Collections: BTS, Taekook, bangtanboyssss, Stories I have loved, BTS AUs, Quality
BTS Fics, Favorite_Stories, Finished_Reading_Stories, 100k+ Long
finished fics, done reading, the best, stories to reread over and over,
finitooo, Red + Blue = Purple, BTS readings, Ready_fics
Stats: Published: 2016-12-18 Completed: 2017-06-02 Chapters: 5/5 Words:
100605

Hiraeth
by haruday

Summary

Jeongguk has learned the hard way from the tender age of thirteen when his father pushed
him down the stairs, that people are a disappointment. They always will be and so he
breaks hearts instead.

Hurt people hurt people.

Jeongguk likes hurting girls, but he doesn't like hurting Kim Taehyung.

Notes

This is an au inspired by the book Diary of an Oxygen Thief and it was originally supposed
to be a one-shot but here we are :))) I decided to split it into two parts.
Frat terminology mentioned:
N.I.B- newly initiated brother
Pledgicide- students who die or are injured during hazing
Hazement- basement where hazing takes place
GDI- An acronym for God Damn Independent, a term referring to individuals who loathe
the Greeks.
 Part One: Lost
Chapter Summary

This will be my only warning, so I do not hold myself accountable to anyone

who's triggered by the contents of this story. If you can't tell by this tags, this
story does deal with some heavy material. I do not sugar coat my writing. This
isn't a safe space. There will be some triggering material in this, so read at your
own discretion.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Jeongguk liked hurting girls.

He didn’t hurt them physically, per se, but he liked breaking their hearts. He got off on it.

There was nothing he found to be more thrilling than watching them fall apart at his hands,
becoming marionettes with every soft caress and whispers of I love you’s. He liked it when his
name was branded into their rib cages.
Jeongguk was a liar, but his lies gave the women he preyed upon a taste of heaven. A taste of love
that was too good to be true, so shouldn’t they be grateful?

Jeongguk had long mastered the art of playing the role of the perfect boyfriend. He had a chiseled
jawline with doe-like eyes that portrayed false innocence that made girls fall for him all too
quickly. He played the shy and bashful role all too well and his bunny smile made girls swoon.
Girls really were too easy.

Jeongguk had built a routine to ensure his victims fell for him.

Charming: tell her she’s beautiful, and flash her fleeting smiles as if you’re shy around her. She’ll
think that your nervousness is adorable, and it will speed up the whole trust process if you seem
genuine. Jeongguk found that girls liked it when he blushed, but he often found it difficult to do so
because he felt no affection towards his temporary girlfriends (thinking about all of the things he’d
do to them in bed afterwards helped) and a blush often begot a blush.

“You’re pretty when you smile,” he said whilst mustering up his fakest puppy eyes.

“You really think so?” she asked shyly with color tinting her cheeks. Her name is Mina. She was
just reaching eighteen and far too insecure, just the kind of easy target Jeongguk likes.
Sympathy: When she finally decides to give you a piece of herself, pretend to care. She’ll tell some
tragic story from her past at one in the morning as you both sit on the living room couch, some
cheesy romance film playing on the T.V. mere background noise. Jeongguk learned that nodding
his head and furrowing his eyebrows as if he was drinking in her every word was the second step
into worming his way into a girl’s heart. Soft touches of comfort and an affectionate kiss to the
forehead always made them shudder. He didn’t have to care, just convince them that he did. Look
at her like she’s the only person in the world.

“You don’t ever deserve to be treated like that.” The lie comes out easily after Mina tells him the
tragic story of her first love. “I’ll never hurt you like that.” Jeongguk will erase the pain of her first
love with something far more sinister.

Jeongguk’s favorite type of girls were the ones who fell hard and fast, because those were the ones
he really felt he killed, and the way that the light in their eyes went out when he broke their hearts
excited him. But what really made thrill bubble up in his stomach was when they’d break down
into a mess of snot and tears. They truly looked ugly then. That’s when they were raw and exposed
and Jeongguk could stab them until blood splattered against the walls and seeped into the carpet.

Jeongguk liked breaking hearts because it was legal murder.

He liked the bloodstains on the front door the best. The sound of the door slamming followed by
broken sobs and the screech of tires against pavement was music to his ears.

Jeongguk relished evoking emotions when he broke them, but then there were those who reacted in
a fit of rage and it could be a nuisance. Sometimes her yelling would go on for too long and she’d
curse incessantly, to which he would merely pick at the dirt beneath his fingernails and ask, Are
you done yet? Jeongguk had never hit a girl before, but there were a few times that he was tempted
to.

After Jeongguk grew bored of his little game with Mina, she threw freshly brewed coffee onto his
face, tears hot and angry streaming down her beet-red face.

“I—I can’t believe you!” she shrieked, breath shaky with each inhale. “You used me! You fucking
—”

Jeongguk had simply cocked his head slightly, smug grin as he soaked in Mina’s broken state with
a cold gaze. “Yeah, so what?”

He remembered the burning sting of coffee and the string of curses he had let out because it was
fucking hot. Lucky for him it left no marks. It was nothing compared to the emotional scars he had
inflicted to carve their way deep into her heart whenever she’d stormed out the door.

There were girls like Yeeseul, who slapped Jeongguk when she caught him sucking faces with
some random chick that smelled of cheap perfume whom he had met at the bar, before calling him
a son-of-a-bitch and storming off like a hurricane. She made sure to make a mess in her wake, to
which Jeongguk had simply rolled his eyes before taking the nameless girl back home and fucking
her into the bed until she disappeared. Talk about weak revenge.

Jeongguk had gone through more girlfriends than he could count in his short twenty years, but out
of all the broken hearts and lost lovers, Chaeyong was his favorite. Her dam broke so easily and
she had collapsed on her knees before him and cried until her face turned bright red and her eyes
were swollen. She was Jeongguk’s favorite because she begged him to tell her that it wasn’t true,
that he loved her and that it was all some shitty joke.
Jeongguk told her that their relationship was a joke and that she was the punchline.

She was the most pathetic out of them all. His masterpiece. She really wanted to believe in her
heart that Jeongguk was a good person (he wasn’t), and for this, Jeongguk felt bad for Chaeyong.
He had liked her a little, and she wasn’t rotten like the rest. She was pure and maybe she didn’t
deserve it.

Jeongguk had no concept of love or what it felt like to feel heartbreak because he had been broken
long ago, turning his heart into stone. Jeongguk didn’t know what love was until it came in the
form of Kim Taehyung. And God, if there was one memory that would be forever burned into the
deepest parts of Jeongguk’s mind like the end of a lit cigarette against skin, it would be the fact that
loving Taehyung had hurt like hell. It broke all of his bones and afterwards he wondered if this was
how all of the girls he murdered felt. It was a pain worse than death.

Jeongguk liked hurting girls, but he had never hurt another man before.

Jeongguk liked hurting girls, but he didn’t like hurting Kim Taehyung.

❃❃❃❃

Jeongguk meets Taehyung in the late summer at the start of his sophomore year of college. Yoongi
has somehow convinced him to go to the start of the year party that Beta Omega was hosting, but it
was more like Hoseok had begged Yoongi to go and he refused to suffer alone, therefore dragging
Jeongguk to the overcrowded frat house with him.

“Hyung, I really don’t want to go.”

“Neither do I, but we can’t always have what we want, can we?”

Jeongguk isn’t exactly sure when he and Yoongi had become so close. It was some unspoken rule
that whatever party one boy attended the other was close behind. The two were oddly attached at
the hip and other students often questioned how Jeongguk and Yoongi could be best friend’s when
they appeared to be so impossibly different from each other. A fact that became quite apparent
when placed side by side at any party.

Yoongi leans against a wall with a permanent frown on his face and red cup half full of vodka in
sprite in his hand and phone in the other. If his eyes weren’t glued to the blue screen then he was
scowling at Jeongguk’s antics, but Jeongguk was impervious to the famous glare that made Yoongi
unapproachable. He would laugh and pat Yoongi on the back before going back to talking
animatedly to other party goers.

Jeongguk is popular and well loved by nearly the entire student body. He’s nice to everyone and
seemingly a reliable friend. He laughs at the right moments and smiles bashfully when
complimented. He’s a straight A student who studies diligently and parties hard. He’s quick to
move up the ranks of Alpha Pi, despite being a N.I.B. and was put in charge of charity events the
second half of his freshman year. He was recently promoted to Vice Captain of their school’s
varsity soccer team and Hoseok joked about the younger being from a different planet because
there is nothing that Jeon Jeongguk isn’t good at. He excels at everything—acting included.

Jeongguk is good at pretending to be the picture perfect Christian college boy who raised money
for the less fortunate and came from a good background. He had been valedictorian for his
graduating high school class of 2015 and everyone was sure that he would claim the title once
again because Jeongguk was perfect and nothing was unattainable for him.

Except that he wasn’t, and Yoongi was the first person to ever see through his facade.

“No offense, but you seem fake as hell.” It was one of the first things that the elder had said to
Jeongguk. He had been a freshman who had just survived the nightmarish week of hazing and
Yoongi had been designated as his Big Brother slash roommate. Jeongguk had been so shocked and
fumbled for a response because he had never quite met anyone as blunt as Min Yoongi; the still
half asleep man who had been slouched against the doorframe lazily but steadily held his gaze with
seemingly such awareness beyond his years.

In the end, he had laughed and said, “I think we’re really gonna get along, hyung.”

And surprisingly so, they did. Yoongi had told Jeongguk that he was a no bullshit type of guy so
the younger had been quick on the uptake to stop playing pretend around him. He didn’t try to act
superficially kind to get on Yoongi’s good side and get me something to drink was always met with
a blunt, go get it yourself. The elder had scolded Jeongguk about how Little Brother’s were
supposed to do whatever their Big’s tell them to. In response, Jeongguk would always roll his eyes
and remarked snidely with, you told me that you didn’t do bullshit, hyung.

Yoongi had put laxatives in Jeongguk’s protein shakes as revenge.

Jeongguk had never been honest with anyone in his life, much less to himself. So having one
person who knew the real side of him without hating his guts was somewhat of a relief to him. A
relief to what, the boy did not understand. All he knew was that it things felt a bit easier not having
to lie as much. Jeongguk had never told anyone what he did to girls and admittedly, it had taken
some time for him to tell the elder about that. It wasn’t as if he was ashamed or anything, but
Jeongguk also knew that what he did wasn’t normal.

Normal people don’t hurt people.

“Who are you texting?” Yoongi had asked as he stepped into their shared room, mint colored hair
damp from a shower.

“Lisa,” Jeongguk remarked absentmindedly from his sprawled out position on his bed. “She has
great tits, y’know?”

Yoongi raised an eyebrow, moving to sit at the edge of his own bed as he fished for a cigarette and
pulled out a lighter from the pocket of a pair of jeans that had been thrown haphazardly on the
ground. His friend was messy and Jeongguk hated messy.

“You’re gonna die,” he remarked disinterestedly, smirking at the suggestive message that Lisa had
just sent. “Plus, you’re not supposed to smoke inside.”

Yoongi shrugged. “What’s the point of living if you’re just going to die anyways?” He lit the end
of the stick and Jeongguk scrunched his nose at the smell. “I thought you were dating Hyeri?”

“I am,” Jeongguk confirmed as he sent a text asking Lisa for some pictures.

“Then why…?” he let the question hang in the air.

“Because she’s getting boring,” Jeongguk deadpanned. “She’s not that good in bed and Lisa does
this thing with her mouth that-

“Okay, TMI. I did not need to know that.” Yoongi looked thoroughly disturbed.

“You asked.”

“So you don’t like her anymore?”

“Nah. She talks too much in bed. Like, my dude, my man, I’m just tryna put my dick in her but
she’s talking about fucking biology. It’s annoying.”

“Then break up with her?” Yoongi phrased it as if Jeongguk was an idiot, and the boy could feel
his friend’s judgmental gaze on him but he’d been much more interested in the voluptuous curve of
Lisa’s ass on his screen. He was already half hard.

Jeongguk snorted. “But that’s no fun.” He had practically felt Yoongi’s judgment radiating off off
of him.

“You’re completely contradicting yourself, asshole.” Yoongi moved to open the window, blowing
a puff of smoke out as he flicked the burning ash outside. “You say that you’re bored of her but
then say that breaking up with her wouldn’t be any fun? You’re making no sense here, dude.”

Jeongguk finally spared Yoongi his attention, setting down his phone and scooting up in a sitting
position to lean against the wall. The elder had given him a quizzical look, obviously wanting to
know all of the juicy details but never one to ask because he had a facade of indifference to keep
up.

“I have to wait until she’s completely in love with me before I do it,” Jeongguk finally said. “I have
to wait until she starts thinking so far ahead into the future that she can’t imagine being with
anyone else and everything around her reminds her of me. Gotta wait till I’m all she thinks about.”

Yoongi stared blankly at him. “Dude, that is seriously so fucked up.”

Jeongguk laughed, “I know. You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

“Why do you do it?” Yoongi’s voice had been genuinely curious and there wasn’t a hint of malice
in his tone.

Jeongguk had shrugged. “Cause it’s fun, I guess? I don’t know how to explain it, but it makes me
feel good- the control, I mean. Being able to control when a girl falls for me and when I’ll break
her heart feels nice.”

“Do you do this often? To girls, that is.”

“Yeah.”

“How many?”

“I stopped counting after number nine,” Jeongguk admitted.

“That’s seriously so fucked up,” Yoongi repeated. “So basically, you just have some shit self
esteem issues and project it onto others by being a fake ass bitch to make yourself feel better?”

Jeongguk had glared. “No. It’s just ‘cos I like to.”

Yoongi looked amused. “Psychology major, remember?”

“Right.”

Yoongi stubbed out the cigarette on the windowsill before throwing it out onto the lawn below. He
had turned to Jeongguk with a disapproving frown marring his features. “I hope you stop doing that
shit, though. It’s not healthy for you and one day karma will bite you in the ass. Don’t come crying
to me when that happens, kid.”

Jeongguk grunted in response.

That had all been over a year ago and Jeongguk would be lying if he said that he heeded his Big’s
advice. If anything, Jeongguk had gotten worse. University was full of stupid girls with daddy
issues that were easy to take advantage of. They took any affection they could get and no girl could
resist the perfection that was Jeon Jeongguk. And although he was seen in generally a positive
image, the boy had built a reputation for not being able to keep a steady relationship. It never got
out that he cheated on all of the girls he dated though (he made sure of that). But Jeongguk became
known as some sort of enigmatic prince and every sorority girl wanted to be ‘ the one ’ to finally
tie him down. Except, Jeongguk didn't want to be tied down to anything or anyone.

It takes a lot of blackmailing on Yoongi’s part to finally get Jeongguk out of bed and dressed. He
complains on the entire way to the neighboring frat house, petulant pout puffing out his cheeks.
But by the time they arrive, the younger plasters on a friendly smile and looks far too eager to be
there. Jeongguk laughs at some shit joke that some nameless freshman made in an attempt to
impress him. He glances at Yoongi who is pressing himself against the wall to avoid being
touched by a pair of sweaty bodies that pass him.

Jeongguk smirks. “Having fun, hyung?”

The elder looks about ready to strangle him.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Jeonggukkie! Yoongi hyung!” The two boys share a brief glance of annoyance before redirecting
their attention on their friend who had practically harassed them into in attending, pushing his way
rather forcefully through the crowd.
Jeongguk plasters on a smile. “Hey, Hobi hyung.” Yoongi merely greets him coolly with a raised
brow.

Hoseok beams, throwing an arm around the younger’s neck. “So glad that you could make it my
dear Gukkie.” Jeongguk grimaces at the nickname.

Yoongi grunts in annoyance, sloshing the clear liquid in the cup in around. “You only asked me to
come ‘cos you wanted to see Jeongguk.”

Hoseok laughs rather dramatically, drawing Jeongguk closer into a near chokehold. “Don’t worry,
you’re still my favorite hyung.”

“Gross.”

“I’m gonna go get something to drink,” Jeongguk announces as he pries himself away from
Hoseok’s death grip, who pouts but let’s him go anyway.

“Don’t run away,” he warns. “I’ll light a bag of dog shit on fire in front of your door if you do.”

The younger rolls his eyes in response. “You don’t even have a dog, hyung. But don’t worry, I
won’t.”

He honestly just needed a few drinks to get him buzzed enough to get him through this god awful
party. He needed the alcohol to make his smiles feel less like stretched skin and muddle his
thoughts so that he didn’t feel like he was suffocating. The boy was good at pretending to fit into
the party scene, but if there was anything that Jeongguk hated more than people, it was a bunch of
drunk and loud assholes all jammed into one house.

Jeongguk begins to push his way through the crowd and nearly blanches as a girl who’s piss
wasted in an outfit that should be considered illegal, falls onto him and nearly grabs his dick
through the tight fabric of his skinny jeans in the process. Jeongguk can’t hide his disgust at this as
he shoves her away rather roughly. She ends up stumbling into another girl who yells fucking
watch it, skank! Jeongguk didn’t hit girls but this was definitely one of the times that he was more
than tempted to.

Yeah, he definitely needed that drink right about now. He needed alcohol amongst other not so
legal substances that Yoongi would kill him for taking if he ever knew. So for now, Jeongguk for
goes his more destructive habits for a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels from the kitchen and pours
himself a bit too much before bringing the red cup to his lips and downing as much as he can
without throwing it back up. The smell burns his nose and it tastes like shit, but the warmness he
feels in his stomach is probably going to be worth it later tonight. Or not.

“Woah. No chaser? You sure that’s a good idea, dude?”

Jeongguk blinks, lips parting from the plastic as his eyes scan the room to find the owner of the
voice. There’s only one other person in the kitchen. A tall guy with olive skin and a head of brown
a shade darker than Jeongguk’s hair that has grown too long and now nearly brushes his lashes that
are long and full. His nose is angled perfectly and lips glossed a light pink.

Jeongguk has never considered himself homosexual in any way, shape or form, but the stranger
was breathtakingly beautiful and right now, he was feeling pretty fucking gay looking at him.
“Nah,” Jeongguk says after a moment, realizing that the stranger was waiting for an answer. “I’ll
probably regret it tomorrow, but you only live once, right?”

The stranger, which Jeongguk has deemed as quote unquote “Hot Guy”, looks amused. “Isn’t that
all the more reason to not die of alcohol poisoning at some shit frat party that smells like puke and
McDonalds?”

“I’m guessing that parties aren’t your thing?” Jeongguk hopes that he sounds nonchalant.

“Not really, but my best friend is hitting a midlife crisis at twenty-two, so here I am.” Hot Guy
gestures to himself rather unamused at his own predicament. “What about you? Parties don’t seem
to be your thing either.”

Jeongguk swallows, forcing a pleasant smile. “Parties are my thing,” he says. “They’re nice.”

Hot Guy grins knowingly. “So then, why are you here alone chugging Jack Daniels like it ain’t
shit? Doesn’t look like it’s your thing .”

“Um,” Jeongguk’s not sure what to say because he’s not used to being caught mid bullshit. “If I
said that I was Irish would you believe me?”

Hot Guy laughs and Jeongguk might be being overdramatic when he says that it’s the most
beautiful thing he’s ever heard. But amidst the blasting of some shitty American rap music that
Jeongguk can’t understand and the loud voices blending into one incoherent mess; to Jeongguk, his
laughter sounds heavenly. “You’re funny. I like that. But I saw that chick nearly grab your dick and
you looked ready to K.O. her, so yeah, you definitely don’t give off the party type vibe.”

“Oh,” he says lamely, fighting the flush that’s creeping up his neck because Jeon Jeongguk doesn’t
know embarrassment and Yoongi would be having a field day if he saw how awkward the boy was
being.

It was like he was seventeen again.

Hot Guy’s smile reminds Jeongguk of Hoseok’s. It was all white teeth and gums but he didn’t have
the urge to grimace in annoyance- which was strange. Jeongguk didn’t like bright smiles and even
brighter eyes. He much prefered the crying faces of the girls he broke. The thought of being so
flustered over a smile makes him want to slam his head against the island counter.

“It’s cool,” Hot Guy reassures. “I think that I’d also want to bleach my brain with that shit if some
random chick grabbed my dick too.”

Jeongguk can’t help but snort in amusement. “Definitely not on my list of the top ten things I want
to happen to me at a frat party.”

“What’s the first?”

Jeongguk raises his cup. “To bleach my brain with this.”

Hot Guy laughs again. “Well good luck with that. I have a best friend to go and baby sit. He’s
probably puking his guts up in a plant somewhere right now if he hasn’t barfed all over himself and
that’s never fun to clean up.”
“Yeah, you better go save him before it’s too late,” he jokes.

For a minute, neither of them move and Jeongguk doesn’t want to be the first to break whatever the
fuck is between them. Hot Guy is staring at him a little too intensely and for a moment, Jeongguk
wonders what flavor lipgloss he’d taste if he reached over to kiss the stranger.

“See you around?” Hot Guy asks with a smile.

Jeongguk nods. “Yeah, see you around.”

The former pushes himself off of the island, flashing Jeongguk one last smile before exiting the
kitchen and being swallowed by the mass of moving bodies. Jeongguk doesn’t leave the kitchen
for the rest of the night.

❃❃❃❃

Jeongguk doesn’t see Hot Guy for the next four days after the party and even though the encounter
was brief and they hadn’t exchanged more than simple pleasantries and light jokes, he can’t stop
thinking about olive skin and a velvety deep voice that fell from kissable lips. It’s dumb really, but
Jeongguk is intrigued and hopes that by some unforeseen force he’ll meet the stranger again.

The week continues to roll on and Jeongguk goes through the monotonous motions of attending
classes and parties and soon, four days turns into eight. Jeongguk throws himself into studying 24/7
and having sex with his current girlfriend, Ana, a shit ton to distract himself. But when it’s 2a.m.
and the only sound in the room is Yoongi’s light breathing as he sleeps, Jeongguk’s mind always
wanders back to the guy from the party. He doesn’t even know his name and it’s frustrating. It’s so
frustrating when Jeongguk closes his eyes only to be greeted with some attractive guy he had a
three minute conversation with without a name. Maybe if he fucks enough girls the face will
disappear along with the name.

But it doesn’t. Instead, the earth must be working in his favor or against him (he hasn’t quite
figured that part out yet) because it’s on a Thursday when Jeongguk sees him again. His first class
in the morning is Calculus and Jeongguk hates Calculus. It’s not as if he’s bad at math (he’s quite
good at it actually) but being a pledge in a frat house means that he’s dragged to one too many
parties and the last thing he wants to deal with is numbers when his head is pounding from the
night before. He’s wearing a random pair of black sunglasses he had plucked from Yoongi’s
dresser when the sound of the classroom door turning has everyone but Jeongguk turning their
heads in curiosity, who is too busy trying to nurse the headache with his head in his hands and eyes
closed behind the dark lenses.

“Can I sit here?”

It’s the familiarity of the voice that nearly jerks Jeongguk out of his chair as his head snaps up and-
“No fucking way.” The words are out before he can even stop himself because Hot Guy is standing
right in front of him looking even more beautiful than before. Jeongguk removes the shades to
observe him more closely. His hair is hidden underneath a snapback that has been placed
backwards on his head, revealing eyebrows that had previously been hidden and boy does he have
nice eyebrows. This time Jeongguk isn’t seeing him under the faded yellow light of a kitchen and
when he grins at Jeongguk in recognition, the latter feels his chest tighten.
“Oh, it’s you!” Hot Guy says a little too loudly, drawing attention from the class. He gives a silent
apology to the professor who shoots him a dirty look. “So, can I sit here?” Jeongguk just nods
because he’s not sure if he can find trust his voice now. Hot Guy plops himself into the chair next
to Jeongguk, bag thrown haphazardly on the table as he pulls out a notebook and pen. “Never got
your name, which kinda sucks cause then I couldn’t find out if you had died of alcohol poisoning
or not,” he jokes.

Jeongguk laughs lightly. “Jeon Jeongguk. Twenty-year-old sophomore and a business major.”

“Business major? Thought it’d be something more exciting,” Hot Guy teases.

Jeongguk shrugs. “Yeah well, sorry to disappoint.”

“Kim Taehyung. Twenty-two-years old. I’m a junior and I’ve changed my major like three times
but my current interest is being a teacher.”

“Taehyung,” Jeongguk repeats and he can’t help but feel pleased at the way the feels on his
tongue. “Do you like children?”

“That’s Taehyung hyung to you,” he corrects. “But yeah, children are really cool and I’m good
with them. What about you?”

I hate them. “They’re pretty nice.” Jeongguk moves to place the shades back onto his face because
the lights in the lecture room are starting to make his head hurt again.

“Wild night?” Taehyung asks.

Jeongguk lays his head on the desk, face turned towards Taehyung and cheek pressing against the
cool surface. “Ugh, don’t even mention it.” Their soccer team had recently won a game and even
though Jeongguk was exhausted and just wanted to take a hot shower and crash, Hoseok had
begged him with crocodile tears to go out and celebrate with a few drinks. But of course, there was
never such thing as a few drinks when it came to their little rag tag group and it had ended with a
too sober Namjoon dragging Hoseok (who was a loud as fuck drunk) back to their frat house.

“Who drinks on a Wednesday night?” Taehyung questions quizzically.

“Alpha Phi,” is all he gives as an explanation and that seems to be all Taehyung needs.

He places his elbow on the desk and rests his chin against his open palm to observe Jeongguk who
is currently very much dead inside. “I didn’t peg you for a frat boy with how you looked at the
party last week.” Jeongguk really wishes that Taehyung would just let that awkward incident go.
“But it makes more sense now. You do look kinda fuckboyish.” The boy mutters out an offended
hey in response, to which Taehyung laughs at. “I bet you play football.”

“Vice Captain of the soccer team, actually,” Jeongguk rectifies.

Taehyung beams and the sight nearly blinds the younger. “Well, Mr. Vice Captain of the soccer
team, I think we’re gonna be great friends.”

Jeongguk closes his eyes because staring at Taehyung’s smiling face makes him feeling nervous.
“Yeah,” he says. “Why not?”
Jeongguk didn’t think that he’d be seeing much of the older boy outside of class, but he learns how
wrong he is when they exchange numbers and Taehyung texts him during third period with some
morbid joke about being so bored that he could hang himself. Jeongguk learns that the reason
Taehyung had been absent from class up until now was because his grandma had passed away and
he had to return home for the funeral. Jeongguk quickly realizes that Taehyung is someone who
opens his heart for anyone who’s nice enough to pay him any attention. He tells Jeongguk that he
was really close with his grandma over lunch and that her death had been really hard on him, but it
was okay since she was in a better place now and Jeongguk just nods and listens, even if he think
that the idea of heaven is bullshit.

“Do you really believe in that?” Jeongguk can’t help but voice the next day as they sit in a booth by
the window at Panera’s, sipping lattes and eating bread bowls. Taehyung asks what he means and
Jeongguk says, “heaven.”

Taehyung shrugs. “I dunno. I would like to think that there’s more for us after death. It puts my
mind at ease, y’know? Do you believe in it?”

Jeongguk wants to say no. He wants to say that he’s been playing the role of God since he was
sixteen when he decided that breaking girls hearts was fun and that there is probably nothing but
darkness after death, especially for people like him. But instead, he smiles softly and says, “yeah. I
come from a Christian family and went to church every Sunday when I was younger.”

He’s never been to church.

Jeongguk also learns that Taehyung talks a lot. He talks a lot and so fast to the point that Jeongguk
struggles to keep up with what he’s say half of the time and there’s never a moment of silence in
his presence. Which means that silence becomes a rarity in Jeongguk’s life because Taehyung
starts hanging around him a lot, and when they’re not with each other, Taehyung is sending him a
slew of text messages with an unnecessary amount of emojis.

He’s not quite sure why Taehyung pays him any attention. There is no incentive for them to
communicate beyond simple conversations in class. He wasn’t his roommate like Yoongi was or
part of any frat like Hoseok and Namjoon, and they didn’t even belong to the same social group.
Taehyung was beginning to get too close for comfort and it was starting to become a dangerous
game. A game of lies; one that Jeongguk intimately plays with girls. And although he had told
Yoongi the truth once upon a time and their friendship had blossomed despite his borderline
psychotic practices, he’s not sure if he can tell Taehyung. He’s not sure how close he wanted to
allow the older boy to get and he’s trying to take baby steps and figure things out, but Taehyung
only knows how to move in bounds and leaps, barely giving any time for Jeongguk to breathe.

Jeongguk has encountered many people in his life, but never someone quite like Kim Taehyung.

Tuesday is one of those rare days where Taehyung isn’t around to badger Jeongguk because he
actually has responsibilities to attend to as an intern at some elementary school. He had been quite
animated when describing his job to Jeongguk. “The kids are great, you should really come with
me sometime.” Jeongguk had told him that he was busy but promised that if their was ever a time
when their schedules didn’t conflict, he would be more than happy to tag along- which was a lie, of
course. Jeongguk hated children with their small hands that had yet to be dirtied and their big round
eyes that still were as bright like a cluster of a thousand stars. Jeongguk became uncomfortable in
their presence because he could not relate to their childish naivety and obliviousness. No, all that
had been taken away from him a long time ago. He knew little of nurture and compassion and the
oldest memory the boy had had definitely not been of dragging his mother to the park or playing
baseball with his father in their backyard.

No, Jeongguk’s first memories of his childhood had been a lot more sinister than that.

Days without Taehyung consisted of sneaking into his girlfriend’s sorority house and having quick
fucks that were usually no more than a brief rush of pleasure that he could never quite remember
clearly because most of the time they had sex neither were sober. Today was no different.

“Do you have any more of that shit?” Jeongguk questions as he shifts his position so that he can
bury himself deeper inside of her, pumping in and out rather languidly.

“Y-yeah,” she breathes out, teeth snagged on her bottom lip as she suppresses a rather draw out
moan because Jeongguk knows how to hit her sweet spot just right. “It’s in the left pocket of my
jacket. But we can do that later, first let’s-”

But Jeongguk is already pulling out and crossing the shared room to reach the denim jacket that
had been hung up on the closet door. He fishes around in the left pocket and grunts in annoyance
because Ana had a habit of stuffing wrappers in them until he finds what he was looking for. He
pulls out the small baggie and held it up to his face with a grin. “This shit looks pure.”

Ana makes a noise in agreement, her naked form still sprawled out on the bed. “That’s cause I got
that shit from Mark and you know that he doesn’t deal those chemical laced strains. Those are the
ones that’ll really fuck you up.”

Jeongguk walks back to sit at the edge of the bed and opens the baggie, dipping his index finger in
the white crystal substance to experimentally taste it. It tastes like shit, of course. It's sour and
caked on his tongue and it isn’t long before the appendage starts to feel numb. “Yeah, this shit’s
good.” He then snags his jeans from the floor and pulls out his wallet to retrieve a single won and
credit card. “Where do you want it?”

Ana giggles, “anywhere you’d like, baby.”

Jeongguk flips her over so that she was laying on her stomach, hands roaming down her back only
to stop at the cheeks of her ass and give it a resounding smack to which she whimpers at. He tilts
the baggie to let a controlled amount of the white substance to fall onto the curve of her back, right
onto the ridge of her spine before using the card to conform the powder into a somewhat straight
line which was damn near difficult to do on skin. He rolls the single won to resemble a straw
before leaning over and bringing the bill to his nose and inhaling deeply, the powder shooting up
the rolled up paper and into his nostril. He then tilts his head back, feeling it turn to liquid and drip
down his throat. The high hits him almost instantaneously.

“Fuck,” he moans. “Remind me to thank Mark.”

“We have plenty of time to do that later,” Ana replies in a low voice before taking Jeongguk in her
hand and pumping him with jerky flicks of her wrist. Any pleasure before was intensified tenfold
with the drug flowing through his system, and as he presses his current toy into the bed and fucks
her into oblivion for nearly an hour, Jeongguk is lost to the world. He’s lost to the world until an
hour of fucking and three more lines later, Taehyung calls him.

Jeongguk doesn’t hesitate to pick up. The older boy has called him while he was blasted off his ass
far too many times to count. “Hello?” he’s aware that he sounds a little breathless.
“Hey!” Taehyung chirps through the receiver. “Are you busy right now?”

Jeongguk looks to Ana who is too preoccupied mouthing at his cock and trying to get him hard
again. “No. You done with work?”

“Yeah. Twas a long day.” He let’s out a dramatic sigh, “meet me at that burger place across from
the arcade? I’m starving.”

“You’re gonna get fat if you keep eating that greasy shit,” Jeongguk chides. Taehyung laughs and
promises that it’ll be his treat. “I’ll be there in twenty,” Jeongguk says. The older boy gives an
enthusiastic goodbye before the line cuts.

Ana lifts her head. “You have to leave?”

Jeongguk nods. “Yeah. I’ll text you later though.”

She looks disappointed but doesn’t voice it. “Okay.”

Jeongguk gathers his clothes, slipping into his boxers and zipping up his jeans before pulling the
thin sweater over his head. And because he’s the perfect boyfriend, he leans over and gives Ana a
rather long and passionate kiss and even through his drug induced haze there is no lingering
warmth. “I love you,” he says and the words feel like lead on his tongue.

Her cheeks tint a faint red and Jeongguk knows that it should take his breath away and that he
should find her current expression endearing, but he doesn’t. Jeongguk feels nothing, not even
when she whispers back a shy I love you too . But Jeongguk does feel something when he’s with
Taehyung. It’s not the same gnawing emptiness that is only satiated by broken hearts. No, it’s
something else entirely but he still hasn’t quite figured out what it is. All Jeongguk knows is that
when he arrives at the fast food joint and sees Taehyung waving him over from a booth, he doesn’t
feel so empty. He’s crashing down from his high and Taehyung asks him if he’s fine but Jeongguk
just smiles and says, “just tired is all.”

Taehyung believes him.

❃❃❃❃

Taehyung is tall, smart and attractive, but he’s also quite terrible at math; so Jeongguk spends a lot
of his time helping him with Calculas, but Taehyung has the attention span of a ten year old and
Jeongguk’s lucky if he can Taehyung to focus for more than twenty minutes before he starts to
complain about being bored and insist that they go to a game cafe. And of course, Jeongguk
always caves in.

“I have ADHD,” Taehyung tells him on a Sunday when they’re lounging in the common area of
the frat house playing some Street Fighter on the Xbox. Taehyung had told him that the frat life
was ‘not his thing’ but Yoongi had grumbled about the brunette practically being a third roommate
at this point. “It’s hard for me to stay focused on one thing for too long and my rambling tends to
drive people up the wall. And- fuck! Stop using spam moves, asshole.”

Jeongguk doesn’t tell Taehyung that he thinks that his quirky personality is refreshing and that his
preference for baggy t-shirts that always leave his collarbones and shoulders on display is fucking
cute. “You’re fine,” he says instead. “You don’t annoy me at all. I think you’re pretty cool. Also,
stop being such a sore loser.”

Taehyung reaches out to ruffle the younger’s hair after another minute as SCORPION WINS!
flashes across the screen in bold red letters that resemble something akin to blood. “Aw, I love you
too, bud.” Jeongguk curses in defeat and before he can retaliate, his phone buzzes with a message
notification and he’s reminded of one person who had started to get under his skin lately.

[3:34p.m.] Ana: I haven’t seen u in awhile babe. Miss u. Wanna go grab some drinks tonight and
have a little fun after? ;)xxx

Jeongguk’s expression must not be too pleasant because Taehyung tears his eyes away from the
T.V. screen, which is currently on the character selection menu and places his chin on Jeongguk’s
shoulder to eye the message. “What’s with the sour face?” he asks. “Is that your girlfriend or a
clingy booty call?”

“Girlfriend,” Jeongguk answers, not liking the way that the title sits on his tongue.

“She wants to get drinks and smash. I can’t possibly imagine what you would be unhappy about.”

“I’m not unhappy with her,” Jeongguk lies.

“Yeah, right .”

Jeongguk’s fingers hover above the keyboard for a moment before he replies.

[3:36p.m.] Jeongguk: Can’t. Busy. Maybe next weekend?

He sighs, shoving the iPhone into his pocket before turning his attention back to the game. This
time he choses to go with a faster character like Kitana and Taehyung decides on Sub Zero with a
cocky promise to destroy Jeongguk once again. Jeongguk was decent at video games, but if there
was one thing that he had come to discover about the older boy, it was that video game cafes were
practically his second home, which clearly showed because the elder had eleven wins so far over
Jeongguk’s six.

“I don’t know,” he says after a minute of silent button smashing. “It’s just that- shit! It’s just that
things haven’t been the same lately. I like her and all but I don’t think it’s working out,” he lies.
The only part of Ana that Jeongguk ever liked was her mouth.

“Really? Man, that’s gotta be - eat dirt asshole- rough.” Taehyung starts spamming the ‘y’ button
and Jeongguk tells him to stop being a prick, in response, Taehyung refutes Jeongguk’s earlier
words about being a sore loser. Jeongguk grumbles out a fuck you, Tae using the nickname he
would never admit to liking a little too much.

“Yeah, it sucks.”

“So what number are you on?” Taehyung questions.

Jeongguk gives him a brief side glance. They’re both too engrossed in the characters fighting to
death on the screen. “Number?”
“Girlfriends. I’ve heard through the grapevine that you go through relationships like girls go
through tampons.”

Jeongguk turns his attention fully to Taehyung, a frown marring his features. The older boy’s eyes
are still glued to the screen and it isn’t long before he’s shouting eat my ass, bitch! as he emerges
victorious once again. For some reason, Jeongguk doesn’t feel okay with Taehyung knowing this
information. “Okay first of all dude, that’s disgusting. Why would you even make that analogy?
And secondly, I know that I suck at relationships. This is embarrassing to say, but I’m a terrible
judge of character and always get cheated on.” It’s yet another lie because if anyone is a
compulsive cheater, it’s Jeongguk.

Taehyung turns to him with wide eyes. “What?!” he sounds absolutely perplexed. “Why would
girls cheat on you out of all people?”

Jeongguk blinks. “What do you mean?”

Taehyung gives the younger a once over. “Have you ever even looked at yourself in the mirror,
dude? You’re like, really fucking hot. On a scale of one to gay, I am gay for you.”

Jeongguk laughs to hide how flustered Taehyung’s words actually make him feel. “Gross.”

Taehyung smiles rather nervously. “Yeah, well I’m gross and super gay so you better get used to
it.” The subject of sexuality had never been brought up between them and Jeongguk had always
just assumed that the older boy was straight simply because he had given him no reason to believe
otherwise. Taehyung has never acted “gayly” or whatever that meant, and he was as masculine as a
twenty-two-year-old could be. The older boy shifts uncomfortably, obviously perturbed at
Jeongguk’s lack of response. “Well, that’s it. My biggest secret- or not so secret. And no, I’m not
confused. I’ve found dicks hot since the first time I accidentally stumbled upon gay porn when I
was nine. I know that you’re Christian and all, which is why I was afraid to tell you, and if you
don’t want to be friends with me anymore, then-” Taehyung pauses, teeth snagging his bottom lip.

“Dude chill,” Jeongguk says. “It’s not a big deal.”

Taehyung still looks slightly unsure. “Really? You don’t think I’m weird or anything?”

Jeongguk rolls his eyes before shoving him playfully and Taehyung dramatically falls over.
“You’re always weird but it has nothing to do with your sexuality. I don’t think that I’ve ever had a
friend who was gay before, but me knowing doesn’t change who you are, man.”

Taehyung’s shoulders slump in relief as the tension leaves his body. “I’m glad. I was scared that
you were gonna go off on me there for a second. No offense, but frat boys seemed to be obsessed
with being masculine and straight so it’s a little off putting.”

Jeongguk snorts in mock offense. “Um, ouch? Did you just assume my sexuality? Besides, I’m
lowkey sure that Yoongi hyung isn’t a hundred percent dedicated to vagina either.”

Taehyung hums in contemplation. “Well, you seem pretty fucking straight to me. Yoongi hyung on
the other hand…” he taps his index finger against his chin in a display of dramatic theatrics. “He
seems kind of straight too, but he’s always glaring at everyone so I can’t relate.”

“No, dude. Listen here.” Jeongguk sits up from his slumped position on the couch and crosses his
legs. “I’ve deadass caught hyung making out with a couple of guys when he thinks that no one’s
looking. He only does it when he’s drunk though.”

“A closeted homo?”

Jeongguk shakes his head. “Nah, hyung’s a psychology major so he prides himself on knowing his
mind better than anyone else. I asked him once and he just told me that it didn’t matter. I think he’s
bisexual or something. I think he’s fucked a guy in our room before though because I caught him
airing out the smell of gay sex once.”

Taehyung laughs and asks Jeongguk how does one smell gay sex who simply shrugs in response.
He then grins with intent. “Bisexual, eh? You remember that best friend I mentioned when we first
met?” Jeongguk nods. “Well he’s just as straight as a circle and I’m tired of him crying about how
no one will ever love him every time he gets shit faced.” Jeongguk asks if he wants to hook them
up or something and Taehyung nods all too eagerly.

Jeongguk looks unsure. “I don’t know...Yoongi hyung’s pretty hard to impress. He hasn’t dated
once in the year that I’ve known him.”

But Taehyung seems sure of himself. “Don’t worry, there’s not a person on this planet could
dislike Park Jimin.” Jeongguk wants to say that he finds that to be rather doubtful because Yoongi
had a penchant for hating people without reason and he’s half tempted to tell Taehyung the story of
how Yoongi has held a grudge against Kim Jaebum for the last ten years because he stole his
favorite pack of colored twistee crayons in 7th grade. “What about you? Are you straight?”

It’s such a casual question and yet to Jeongguk, it feels straightly intimate. “Weren’t you just
saying that you’re sure that I’m straight?” he jokes.

“Yeah, but-” Taehyung averts his gaze elsewhere. “Just wanna know.”

Jeongguk shrugs. “I think so? I mean, I’ve only dated and fucked girls so I wouldn’t know for sure,
but I’ve never felt the urge to go and actively seek out guys. I’ve never seen a shirtless dude on
T.V. and popped a boner or anything either. Does that make me straight?”

“I want to say that you won’t know unless you try,” Taehyung says. “Do you wanna try?”

Suddenly the atmosphere feels too heavy and Jeongguk’s palms feel clammy. “Try what?”

Taehyung’s tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip and the dark intensity in his eyes from the party
is back and Jeongguk is reminded of just how long ago it was. “To see if you like guys.”

“And how do you propose that?” the boy can’t believe that he’s seriously considering this.

Taehyung scoots across the couch to move closer to him and rests his left hand against Jeongguk’s
knee and he feels like Taehyung’s touch is searing through his pants. “We could platonically make
out?” the idea of two male friends platonically making out seems absurd, but Jeongguk knows what
Taehyung is trying to say. If we label this as just a bro thing then it’s just friends helping each
other and it’s not cheating. Not that cheating is something that Jeongguk is particularly worried
about that, but Taehyung doesn’t need to know that.

“Uh,” Jeongguk laughs awkwardly. “Sure, I guess.”

For a moment they do nothing but hover, neither of them are sure of who should move first.
Jeongguk mentally kicks himself in the head because kissing someone was never something he got
nervous over and he was acting like an awkward teenager who’d never got his dick wet before. So
he steels his nerves, internally berating himself for being a pussy before leaning in to press their
lips together. The kiss is awkward at first, resembling some shitty kdrama scene where their lips
barely graze another and remain unmoving. Taehyung was obviously letting Jeongguk take the
lead since this was all about him discovering his own sexuality, so Jeongguk presses his lips more
firmly against the older boy’s, moving experimentally; hesitantly. Taehyung’s own lips were soft
and warm and the shy movements were enough for him to feel butterflies in his stomach. Jeongguk
begins to gain confidence, bringing one hand to glide up Taehyung’s neck and rest on his cheek
causing the older boy to shiver. His other hand moving to rest lazily against Taehyung’s slender
hip. The kiss is slow and sweet but then there’s a hunger gnawing at Jeongguk and the too innocent
touches aren’t enough.

His tongue snakes out to lightly graze the older boy’s lips but he refuses Jeongguk access, his
mouth remaining shut. Jeongguk continues to tease him before growing frustrated at the lack of
response and latching onto Taehyung’s bottom lip who gasps in response. Jeongguk growls before
taking the chance to dart his tongue into his mouth. There was nothing special about the way
Taehyung tasted. He tasted of saliva and the crackers he had eaten earlier, but to Jeongguk it was
heaven and when Taehyung’s tongue lashed out to meet his, the boy could feel something akin to
hot electricity shooting down to his groin and bubbling like molten lava in his stomach. He began
to lose himself in the feeling of Taehyung’s lips against his own and the kiss transformed into
something more heavy and frantic. The hand that had been resting against Taehyung’s waist
snaked around to the curve of his lower back and Jeongguk pulled the older boy against him until
he was practically on top of Jeongguk, straddling him. The kiss became all teeth and tongue and
before either of them could register what they were doing, Taehyung’s grinding down into
Jeongguk’s lap while the latter rolls his hips up to meet his thrusts. It’s all too fucking hot and
Jeongguk can’t help but shudder at the pretty sounds Taehyung makes. Jeongguk is half tempted to
rub Taehyung through his sweats until he comes, and he was terribly regretting his decision to wear
skinny jeans because the friction just wasn’t enough. But hearing Taehyung’s broken moans as he
rubbed himself off on Jeongguk’s lower stomach was enough to send the boy spiraling. All he
could think about was how Taehyung would look coming undone, soiling his own pants and he
was just about to give into the temptation and reach down to grab Taehyung’s cock through his
sweats when the older boy pulls back. Jeongguk groans at the loss, nearly grabbing Taehyung
tightly by the nape of his hair and smashing his lips back to Jeongguk’s, but then he’s blinking
through the haze of lust and his vision begins to focus.

And god, Taehyung looks so fucking wrecked sitting on Jeongguk’s lap. His hair tousled from
where Jeongguk had grabbed a handful at some point, cheeks flushed scarlet and lips swollen and
slick with spit. He looks so goddamn pretty and if Jeongguk didn’t know better, he’d press
Taehyung against the couch and screw him right there and then. They both were panting heavily
and Jeongguk was aware of the thin sheen of sweat that dampened his fringes. How long had they
been making out? It had seemed like eternity and Jeongguk was surprised that no one had walked
in on the two of them basically dry humping the fuck out of each other.

“You still straight?” Taehyung asks breathlessly, still wrestling for air.

Jeongguk struggles to regain his composure; easier said than done when his achingly hard cock is
pressed against Taehyung’s. Jeongguk was mortified at how hard he gotten and there was no way
that Taehyung didn’t feel it, no matter if Jeongguk’s skinny jeans practically cut off air circulation.

“Y-yeah,” he stutters out. “I’m sure.”

Taehyung smirks. “Are you sure about that?” he makes a show of purposefully squirming around
on Jeongguk’s lap who grabs his waist in return to keep him still. “Because your little friend is
saying otherwise.”

Jeongguk laughs breathlessly, throwing his head back so it rests against the sofa. “Fuck.”

Taehyung smiles and Jeongguk thinks that he could get used to seeing the sun everyday.

❃❃❃❃

“I think I wanna fuck Taehyung.”

Yoongi, who had been drifting in and out of sleep sprawled across his bed on his stomach like a
starfish, pops his eyes wide open and nearly blanches at his best friend who was currently laying
on his own bed and staring up at the ceiling with his hands folded underneath his head.

“What the fuck are you talking about, kid?” Yoongi grumbles.

“We made out yesterday and I think I kinda liked it.”

He turns to Yoongi who raises a brow. “You think you’re gay?”

“Nah. I just like kissing Taehyung.”

“That’s gay dumbass. But what about-” Yoongi pauses, rolling over onto his back and sitting up
with a clear all to knowing frown on his face. “Jeongguk, you aren’t seriously thinking of…”

“I’ve never done this kinda thing with a guy, hyung,” Jeongguk admits. “I think I’m gonna break
up with Ana. She’s getting too clingy and-

“No,” Yoongi says firmly, cutting him off.

Jeongguk blinks. “What?”

“I said no,” Yoongi repeats, jaw clenched tightly. “Taehyung is a nice kid, don’t drag him into your
shit. I’m serious, Jeongguk.”

“Taehyung may not be a brother or anything, but the other guys really like him. Hoseok never
stops asking when you’re gonna bring him around again and Namjoon finally has someone to
laugh at his dad jokes. He doesn’t deserve to be a victim of whatever issues you have.”

This time, it’s Jeongguk’s turn to look a little pissed. “You’ve only known him for a month. I don’t
get what the big deal is. It’s almost as if you wanna stick your dick in him instead.” He knew that
what he was saying was low, that he was practically guilt tripping Yoongi into getting his way, but
Jeongguk didn’t understand why his friend was so adamant about him leaving Taehyung alone
when he had never gotten involved before. Yoongi certainly didn’t approve of Jeongguk’s actions
and had voiced his disdain in the past but never had he gotten angry over it.

“It’s not about that and you know it,” Yoongi remarks rather sharply. “Taehyung ain’t like those
girls you fuck with, Guk. I can see it in your eyes. He’s your friend. He’s our friend.” Jeongguk
blinks because he’s never really attached Taehyung to the label of “friend” and hearing Yoongi
voice it out loud was strange to his ears.

“We’re not friends,” Jeongguk hisses out as if the mere concept is poison.

Yoongi sighs deeply, shoulders slumping as he moves to grab a cigarette from the pack lying at the
edge of the end table and lights it. “I know that you’re supposed to be the angsty anti hero or
whatever, but you do have other friends man; whether you want to admit it or not.”

Jeongguk frowns at this. “You’re the only friend I need, hyung.”

Yoongi takes a long drag, ash landing on the fabric of his jeans. “I don’t know why you keep doin’
this to yourself, Guk. It’s okay to trust people. It’s okay to be yourself around others ‘cos not
everybody is out to get you. You can’t stay like this forever ‘cos one day it’s gonna backfire and
end up hurting you.”

Jeongguk’s lips almost curl into a snarl at the mention of trust. He laughs cynically. “That’s
impossible cause I don’t feel pain, hyung. I lost that sentiment long ago.”

Yoongi squints at Jeongguk who is suddenly very interested in the cracks in the ceiling and refuses
to look his way. “We all feel pain one way or another, Guk. That’s just how humans are.”

❃❃❃❃

When Ana texts Jeongguk again the next day and asks if he wants to go out to the bar together the
upcoming Friday, he doesn’t say no even though he would very much spend his Friday night at the
game cafe with Taehyung. The older boy is surprised when Jeongguk actually turns him down for
their usual routine of attempting to study in the library before quickly abandoning their textbooks
for Overwatch tournaments, but he doesn’t object.

Things more or less had gone back to the way they were after their heated make out session that
had almost resulted in Jeongguk tearing their clothes off and fucking Taehyung into oblivion. No,
it was almost as if none of that had ever happened. Jeongguk lived in a perpetual state of acting like
everything was always perfectly fine and just assumed that to Taehyung it really had just been a bro
thing. So the incident was swept under the rug and never talked about. Except, Jeongguk really
wouldn’t mind kissing Taehyung again in a less than platonic way. The older boy had become his
new fixation and he was ready to cast Ana aside. She had been his longest lasting relationship
since college started and he was going to dismantle them. He was going to dismantle seven months
of I love you’s because he wanted to; because he could.

These were the exhilarating moments that Jeongguk lived for.

He picks Ana up around 8p.m. and tells her that she looks beautiful in red. She’d look even more
beautiful to him after the night was over; after he broke her. Jeongguk kept up the play of the
perfect boyfriend. A chaste kiss on the lips as she climbs into the car and easy conversation filled
with flirtatious comments from Jeongguk that make her laugh as he drives downtown towards the
night scene of Hongdae. He intertwined their fingers and kisses the back of her hand with a smile
plastered onto his face. Ana asks him if anything good had happened to him because he was acting
more jubilant than usual and he simply squeezes her hand and says that he had just missed her.
Jeongguk didn’t tell her that tonight he was going to wrench the ‘U’ from the ‘S’ and there was
nothing that she could do about it but sit there and fall apart. He would let her bathe in the last few
moments of misplaced feelings before he tore her soul into tiny fragments.

Jeongguk was heaven and Ana had long overstayed her welcome. It was time for her to plummet
back down to the cruel reality called earth.

Jeongguk let Ana drag him to her favorite bar and even bought a pricey margarita for her. It was
almost as if she were a cancer patient and the boy was fulfilling her last wishes before she passed
on. In a way, it was true; because Ana was like a malignant tumor growing on Jeongguk that
needed to be cut off. He often wondered if some of the girls he broke preferred death over broken
hearts. Ana teases him about winning the lottery or something because Jeongguk was really being
far too generous. He simply says that he’ll tell her later. She laughs. Ana always laughs at
Jeongguk’s antics but this time he drinks her laughter in and lets it seep into his bones because this
will be the last time he’ll ever see the upturn of her lips and bright eyes. Tonight, Jeongguk will kill
his girlfriend of seven months.

Ana’s talking animatedly now, hands waving around as she tells him a crazy story about her spring
break last year but Jeongguk’s too busy drinking in every smile and crinkling of her eyes and
committing it to memory to hear anything. These last few minutes of bliss are crucial and he must
brand every expression she makes into his photographic memory. This is the moment when
everything falls apart.

This is where it ends.

“This is what I look like when I pretend that I’m listening to you,” he says. Ana merely stutters
over what she’s saying for a moment before laughing and calling him a jerk for making such a
douchey joke. They always think it’s a joke. Jeongguk rests his chin in the palm of his hand and
cocks his head to the side. “I’m pretending to listen but I don’t care about what you have to say.
I’m pretending that you’re not boring as fuck to listen to.” He then lets out a comical laughter as if
she’s just made the most hilarious comment. “This is what I look like when I’m pretending that
you’re funny even if your shit humor makes me want to jump off of Yanghwa Bridge.”

Ana’s just staring at him now, smile starting to falter as the corner of her mouth twitches. She still
doesn’t get it.

“And this is what I look like when I pretend that I’m in love with you.” Jeongguk shoots her a
smile so blindingly endearing as if she’s the only girl on the planet and he wouldn't want to be with
any other.“This is the part where I call you gorgeous and tell you that I love you- I don’t by the
way, in case you don’t get that. I know that you sorority girls with daddy issues are a bit slow in
the head.”

She doesn’t say anything but she’s no longer smiling. He’s really got her going now.

“Do you still not get it? I never loved you, not even once while I was fucking your loose cunt and I
never will.”

She still doesn’t respond but Jeongguk notices the way her eyes aren’t shining anymore. He
wonders if this what stars look like when they die.

“Your tits are saggy.”

Silence.

“I have to think of other girls to get a hard on. I’ve even cheated on you on more than a couple of
occasions.”

She’s holding her breath.

“I think it’s about time we end things, don't you think?” He’s no longer smiling warmly at her like
usual. Jeongguk’s expression is hard and unreadable. “This is the part where I break up with you.”

Her bottom lip is trembling now.

“And this is the part where you leave.”

“W-what do you mean?” she’s choking on her words, blinking owlishly at him. “Jeongguk, if this
is a joke you’re really going too far so-

“The only joke here is you,” he cuts her off smoothly as he leans back in his chair and takes a long
sip from his own margarita.

“B-but, I don’t get it. We’ve never fought a-and we get along so well. Everything was going so
perfectly. I don’t understand. I just- I-” this time, Ana’s the one to stop herself short.

“I never loved you,” Jeongguk reiterates. “But I hope you loved me. I hope I’m all you think about
for the next three months and I hope that waking up every morning knowing that I’m gone destroys
you. I hope you see me in every stop sign and park bench. I hope that you think that no other guy
will treat you better than I did.”

There’s a moment of icy silence. And even though the bar is filled with voices and laughter, the
silence between them is deafening. Ana slowly starts to come to the realization that she had just
been played with and he watches the emotions bubble up inside of her before her dam breaks open
and her eyes glaze over, but she doesn’t cry. Not just yet.

He stands up. “I should go now.”

“Why?” it’s a whisper that he barely catches. “Wuh-why a-are you doing th-this to me?”

They always ask that and Jeongguk still doesn’t have a clear answer.

“It’s the price to pay,” he says.

Her nose flares and she’s breathing heavily now, gaze unfocused. Jeongguk imagines that her
fingernails are creating crescents in her palms right about now. “The puh-price o-of what?”

“Loving me.”

She begins to shake.

“Don’t forget about me,” Jeongguk nearly demands. “I left some of my sweaters in your room just
to make sure you don’t. You can wrap yourself up in ‘em and maybe my old sweaters might keep
your bones from breaking when you cry yourself to sleep tonight and the next night and the one
after that and...” He grabs the leather jacket that had been slung over the back of the chair and
slides it on. “Ah, well you get the point.” He flashes her a vicious smile. “Goodbye, Ana. It was
fun while it lasted, really. You weren’t nearly half as bad as the other’s.”

Jeongguk doesn’t expect her to respond. He doesn’t expect her to stand up and scream “fuck you,
Jeon Jeongguk!” before picking up her drink and throwing it at his face. The commotion draws a
few turned heads who whisper about a lover's quarrel and Jeongguk grimaces. She’s wiping at her
tears angrily and her face has twisted into an ugly snarl. “You’re gonna regret this. I’m gonna make
sure of it!” And then she’s storming off and leaving Jeongguk alone with the stench of alcohol so
overpowering it nearly makes him nauseous.

Jeongguk wishes that she had hit him instead because maybe then he would feel something.

❃❃❃❃

Kim Taehyung is very gay and Jeon Jeongguk is very hot and very straight.

Or, at least that was the conclusion that Taehyung had come to when he first met the younger boy.
Jeongguk was the model good Christian student who was respected in his frat, a sport junky who
was said to excel in anything and everything, and spent a lot of time raising money for charity. He
was young and doe-eyed but masculine in all of the right places and exuded an aura that screamed
“I’m a straight frat boy!” but Taehyung had still stupidly developed a crush on said boy.

Taehyung knew that people found him weird and off putting. He had a strange sense of fashion that
turned heads and even with his medication he spoke too fast and couldn’t sit still half of the time
unless it involved planting his ass in a game cafe for eight hours straight and playing League. He
was was strange and said the wrong things and as a kid people always whispered behind his back.
His teachers said that he was more trouble than he was worth and his classmates called him a freak.
Taehyung had been ostracized from his peers since childhood but then Jimin came along in middle
school and actually found comfort in the boy. He had told Taehyung that his fashion sense was
cool and was patient when Taehyung’s mouth ran ahead of his thoughts and he stumbled over his
words. Taehyung thought that he would never meet anyone who accepted him the way Jimin did
until he met Jeongguk.

Jeongguk who was two years his junior and had a head start in college because he was smart.
Jeongguk who had look mortified when some random chick groped him at Alpha Omega nearly
two months ago. Jimin had dragged him to the party because he had to get wasted after a shitty
break up and when the boy had first laid eyes on Jeongguk, he found that he couldn’t look away.
Taehyung had watched Jeongguk from across the room for what seemed like hours. The younger
had been surrounded by a group of what Taehyung dubbed as “fuckboys” who stared at him like he
was some idol and he had looked at ease despite being surrounded by suck ups begging for his
attention.

But then Taehyung had encountered him in the kitchen and found out that Jeongguk was actually
kind of awkward and he couldn’t help but find that endearing. Jeongguk was awkward but sexy in a
dangerous way that drew the older boy in.

Taehyung had expected Jeongguk to push him away and call him a freak like everyone else did. He
knew that he was a draining person to be around and had prepared himself for Jeongguk to turn tail
and run. But he didn’t. Taehyung thinks that Jeongguk must have been a saint or something in
another life because the younger boy had claimed that he thought that Taehyung was cool and
Taehyung felt stupidly giddy at his words. He had felt a sense of relief when Jeongguk didn’t look
at him in disgust when he confessed that he was gay. His mind had been overflowing with too
many things at once and he couldn’t help but make the stupid mistake of asking Jeongguk if he
wanted to make out. He had immediately regretted saying anything. But to his surprise, Jeongguk
had agreed to it and if Taehyung wasn’t whipped before then he certainly was now. Jeongguk had
practically devoured his soul and Taehyung could still feel his burning touch even after he left.

“I really like him,” Taehyung confesses to Jimin through a mouthful of fries. They had ditched
Chemistry to go eat the greasy junk food that Jeongguk hated.

Jimin raises a brow. “Who? That Jeongguk kid?” Taehyung had mentioned him on numerous
occasions and had been gone so often that Jimin often joked about how he had replaced him with
Jeongguk, to which Taehyung vehemently denied because Jimin was someone who could never be
replaced. Jimin was someone who had seen flowers blooming underneath overgrown weeds when
everyone else had just labeled him as a kid with issues.

“Yeah,” Taehyung says flatly. “Him.”

Jimin dips a fry into ketchup and mayo before popping it into his mouth and Taehyung believes
that his best friend is going to hell for committing such an atrocity. “Then why don’t you tell him?”

Taehyung snorts. “Ah, yes. Let me just confess my feelings to a straight guy who I have no chance
with and then be rejected and ruin our friendship.”

“But didn’t you guys like make out or something?” Taehyung tells him that they did but it had just
been platonic. A strict bro thing. Jimin rolls his eyes at this. “Okay, so you’re telling me that he
eats your face off and you almost came in your pants humping each other like two horny dogs, but
he’s straight ?” Taehyung just nods at him dumbly with flushed cheeks and points out that he has a
girlfriend. “Kim Taehyung, you are unbelievable.”

Taehyung twirls the straw in his coke, the ice knocking against the glass. “Let’s just say that he
hypothetically isn’t straight. Let’s say that Jeongguk hypothetically likes dick. That doesn’t change
anything.”

“How so?”

Taehyung frowns. “‘Cos I’m me and Jeongguk is…” Perfect. Unattainable. Popular. Hot. “...he’s
way out of my league.”

Jimin laughs at this. “Have you seen yourself, Taetae? You may not be no football playing frat boy
but you’re hot as hell. Do you see the way the girls in Chem fuck you with their eyes?” Taehyung
furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “God, you’re so clueless sometimes it hurts.”

“He wouldn’t like someone like me,” Taehyung mumbles.

“Just try to talk to him, okay?”

“I will.”

But of course, Taehyung doesn’t. When he sees Jeongguk again neither of them mention the
incident. Taehyung wants to. He really does. He spends an hour hyping himself up for it but then
Jeongguk mentions going on a date with his girlfriend Friday and Taehyung is brought back down
to reality. Jeongguk doesn’t seem bothered by what happened between them and Taehyung knows
that it’s idiotic for him to be hurt by his friend’s indifference, but he is. Every time Jeongguk
mentions his girlfriend or her name pops up on his phone screen, Taehyung is reminded that
Jeongguk is not his and that he never will be.

There had been a few times when Taehyung had called Jeongguk only to hear the sound of a
female voice giggling in the background and his friend would sound rather breathless through the
receiver. Taehyung knew that he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help but conjure up the image of
Jeongguk naked in bed with the girl that he loves and his chest constricts so tightly that sometimes
he feels like he’s going to die.

Taehyung wonders if it’s possible to feel heartbroken over someone whom he’d never been
romantically involved with in the first place. He doesn’t know, but the feeling sticks to his ribcage
like realizing it was raining on vacation and he couldn’t wish it away. It was like finding out that
fairytales aren’t real and he’s not the hero of some cheesy action novel.

It’s worse when Taehyung gets angry about it but he knows that he can’t direct it at Jeongguk
because it’s not the boy’s fault. It’s not the boy’s fault that Taehyung is clingy and pathetic. It’s not
the boy’s fault that he was born so incredibly handsome that it takes Taehyung’s breath away.
There are times when Taehyung can’t help but think about the way Jeongguk’s lips felt against his
as he was dry humped to a near orgasm and Taehyung gets hard; sometimes achingly so. He tries
to ignore it but then he’s jerking himself off in the shower with the heat burning his skin till it’s red
and Jeongguk’s name is falling brokenly from his lips as he chases his orgasm. Taehyung can’t
help but feel dirty in these moments and almost wants to cry. He can’t help but feel as if he’s done
something so incredibly wrong. It’s guilt that gnaws on him every time he sees his friend.

Taehyung doesn’t see Jeongguk for four days after his date Friday night and he can’t help but feel
anxious because it’s the longest that they’ve been apart since their friendship had blossomed a
couple of months ago. Jeongguk doesn’t reply to Taehyung’s slew of over used emojis as much and
when he does, it’s usually just one worded replies. Jeongguk still comes to class, but he doesn’t say
much to Taehyung. His friend looks haggard and worn down. There are bags under his eyes and
sometimes his eyes are glazed over and bloodshot. Jeongguk sniffles and wipes his nose on the
back of his sleeve and when Taehyung asks him if he’s alright for the millionth time, Jeongguk
just tells them that he thinks that he’s coming down with a cold or something.

Doubt gnaws at Taehyung but he quickly dismisses it because Jeongguk does look sickly and he
feels bad for feeling as if Jeongguk’s avoiding him when the boy leaves as soon as class is over.
Jeongguk has never give Taehyung a reason to lie him and he would like to think that they were
close enough to be open and honest with each other. The older boy trusted Jeongguk, he really did.
He was kind and always willing to help others and even though there were rumors about
Jeongguk’s bad track record of relationships, Taehyung had only ever seen the kind side of the
boy. He trusted him, but sometimes Taehyung felt as if there was something underneath those
layers of wide smiles and doe eyes that he didn’t know about. Sometimes Jeongguk’s smile would
falter and he’d give Taehyung a look that he couldn’t quite discern. But it was a look that never
lingered for more than a second.

Taehyung knows that he should probably just leave things be but worry gnawed at him and he
spent a good half hour sitting at his desk, staring at his phone screen and chewing on his lower lip
before he decided to call Yoongi who picked up on the last ring.

“Whaddya want kid?” his voice is laced with sleep and if it was anyone else, Taehyung would
have questioned why the hell they were sleeping at 3p.m. but this was Yoongi and he was always
unconventional.

“Don’t you just sound ecstatic to hear from me,” Taehyung can’t help but tease.

Yoongi sighs down the line. “Well, you did just wake me up from a much needed nap.”

Taehyung frowns to himself. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I can call you back later.”

Rustling could be heard and Taehyung presumed that Yoongi was sitting up. “It’s fine. Just spit it
out, kid.”

“Hyung, is Jeongguk okay?”

Silence.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah,” Yoongi responds after a drawn out moment. “Why do you ask?”

Taehyung shifts in his chair uncomfortably. Why did he feel like he was walking on eggshells right
now? Why did he feel as if he asked something he shouldn’t have? “It’s just that Gukkie really
hasn’t been looking all too good this week and I’m worried about him, y’know? He said that he’s
got a cold or something but…”

“What, you think he’s lying?” Yoongi asks with an edge to his voice.

“Of course not!” Taehyung says quickly. “He wouldn’t ever lie to me like that, right?”

“Right.”

“I’m just worried ‘s all.”

“Don’t sweat it, kid. He’s just feeling under the weather.”

Taehyung hopes that Yoongi’s right.

❃❃❃❃

Yoongi’s words prove to be true because the next day Jeongguk shoots him a text saying that he’s
feeling better and asks if they want to hang out. Taehyung tells him that Jimin planned a little get
together over the weekend at their apartment and asks Jeongguk to come, who in response, tells the
older boy that he can’t wait to meet his rival that threatens his position of being the coolest friend.

Saturday rolls around and Taehyung’s shoulders nearly slump in relief when he opens the front
door to see a very okay looking Jeongguk with clear eyes and color to his his skin. His cheeks don’t
look so sunken either and his lips are no longer chapped. He shoots Taehyung a blinding smile that
doesn’t quite reach his eyes before he’s blurting out “Tae, what the hell happened to your hair?” A
grin nearly splits his face in half and he’s keeling over in laughter. “Fucking A, dude!”

Taehyung grimaces. Jimin had attempted to dye his hair to match his own sunset orange but
instead, it had come out in a shade of hideous red that hurt to look at.
A flash of blonde pops around Jeongguk’s shoulder to reveal Yoongi with his signature frown ever
so present. He simply stares at Taehyung blankly and says, “you look like a stop light.”

“Eat shit, guys.”

Yoongi’s remark has Jeongguk wheezing now and Taehyung threatens to slam the door in their
faces if they don’t stop being assholes. Jeongguk somehow manages to collect himself and lifts a
hand to take strands of red hair between his fingers. “It’s not that bad. It’s cute,” he says.

Taehyung turns away to hide the blush creeping up his cheeks and tells them to hurry their asses
inside. The rest of his friends were lounging in the living room. On the coffee table copious
amounts of alcohol were placed about while four boys lounged on the furniture around it.

Hoseok jumps to his feet when he sees the two boys. “Jeonggukie! You made it!”

Taehyung nearly snickers as Hoseok grabs Jeongguk by the wrist and forces him to the spot next to
him, shoving Namjoon to make room on the couch, who in turn calls him a cunt.

Seokjin, who looks rather comfortable sitting in arm chair offers Jeongguk a smile and the boy
feels intimidated because the older male looks like someone who should be on the cover of a
fashion magazine.. “You must be Jeongguk. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Jeongguk scratches his cheek, something Taehyung notices that the boy did when he was nervous.
“Ah, really?”

Jimin smiles rather deviously from his position on the floor. “Oh yeah, you’re all he talks about.
He says-

“This is Jimin,” Taehyung cuts him off as he fights the flush from spreading to his entire face.
“He’s the best friend I was telling you about. And Jimin,” he motions to the blonde who’s still
standing kind of awkwardly. “This is Yoongi hyung.”

Taehyung doesn’t miss the sparkle in Jimin’s eyes as he very obviously checks out Yoongi before
turning his attention back to Jeongguk. “You’re a lot cuter than I expected,” Jimin remarks. He
then asks Jeongguk to sit next to him, to which he happily obliges to because Hoseok seems to be
smoldering the poor kid. Taehyung plops himself down on the floor on the other side of Jeongguk
and warns Jimin to not steal him away.

The night is tame and the seven of them drink and tell stories and Taehyung learns that Hoseok
likes to tell tall tales when he’s drunk but everyone else seems to be used to his ridiculous stories.

“I’m tellin’ ya that I took ‘em both down at the same time!” he slurs.

Namjoon chortles at this. “That’s such bullshit. How can you fight an entire gang when you’re
almost as skinny as Yoongi?”

“Hey, asshole. I’m right here.”

They all laugh before Hoseok starts talking about two hotties he’d met down in Busan during the
summer and Namjoon once again calls bullshit cause Hoseok was actually quite shy around the
opposite sex.
“Do any of us actually even have girlfriends or are we all just sore losers?” Seokjin jokes.

Everyone voices their agreement but then Hoseok puts Jeongguk on the spot and makes drunkenly
inappropriate comments about how Jeongguk could get any girl he wanted and makes a jibe about
the younger boy fucking half of the girls in Zeta Pi. Taehyung thought that Hoseok’s words were
making Jeongguk uncomfortable, but the boy laughed anyway. “Don’t you have a girlfriend right
now?” Hoseok asks. “I think her name was Amy...Amanda...Ar...Ab...I dunno.”

Jeongguk chuckles. “Her name is Ana, but we’re not together anymore. Broke things off last
Friday.”

Taehyung’s eyebrows practically shoot up past his hairline. “You’re not?” he sounds more
surprised than he intended to.

“Nah.”

“Why’d you break up?” Taehyung’s eyes drifts to Yoongi. He wasn’t sure if his buzzed mind was
playing tricks on him or if he was overthinking it, but a part of him felt as if the elder boy was
seething underneath his nonchalance. Taehyung’s gaze flickered between the two friends and they
seemed to communicate something with their expressions that he couldn’t decipher.

“Because,” Jeongguk says, eyes never once leaving Yoongi. “Things just weren’t working out.”

The other’s seemed oblivious to the tension between the pair and offered Jeongguk their
condolences with Seokjin commenting that there were plenty of fish in the sea, especially for
someone as handsome as him.

It wasn’t long before Hoseok was telling dramatic stories again, which resulted in drunken
arguments that Seokjin tried to mediate. Taehyung was practically grinning from ear to ear at how
childish the whole ordeal was as Namjoon stood up on wobbly legs and pointed an accusing finger
at Hoseok before going on some sort of philosophical tangent.

Jeongguk had been rather quiet so Taehyung turned his attention to him and didn’t miss the way
that while Jimin was laughing and joining in on the argument, he would glance at the younger boy
out of the corner of his eye too often. Jeongguk smiled, but this time it seemed rather forced.

“Guk?” Jeongguk hums in response. “Do you wanna stay the night?” Jeongguk asks him if he’s
sure if it’s fine, to which Taehyung points out that he and Yoongi always let him crash at their
place and that there was plenty of room on Taehyung’s full sized bed. The boy agrees to stay and
the night drags on until Seokjin suggests that they all start heading home, but Taehyung just thinks
that he doesn’t want to deal with the consequence of a completely shitfaced Jung Hoseok.

Everyone begins to gather up their things and say their goodbye’s and Jimin tells Yoongi that he’s
welcome to stay as well to which he obliges because he’s drunk and isn’t sure if he’ll end up in the
right room without Jeongguk. Said boy’s eyes are currently drooping and so Taehyung leans over
and asks him if he wants to go to bed in a low voice and he nods in response. Taehyung waves
goodnight to Jimin and Yoongi who helps clean up and nearly grins at the idea of the pair being
alone together.

Taehyung had underestimated how much Jeongguk had to drink because while he himself was
buzzed, Jeongguk stumbles to Taehyung’s room and collapsed face first into the bed with a groan.
Taehyung laughs. “C’mon Guk, let’s get you into something more comfortable, yeah? You do not
want to sleep in skinny jeans.” The boy grunts in agreement but finds it hard to undo the button of
his pants so Taehyung helps him, shimmying Jeongguk out of the constricting pants and throwing
them haphazardly onto the floor. He moves to help Jeongguk with his shirt, but just as his fingers
lift the hem, Jeongguk’s hand lashes out to grab his wrist and his eyes have snapped open to stare
at Taehyung with a certain intensity that makes him squirm because whenever Jeongguk looked at
him he was always smiling.

“Don’t,” he says it like a command and the sudden seriousness in his voice makes Taehyung
swallow.

“Sure,” he says before backing away to go get changed into more comfortable attire and brush the
taste of alcohol from his mouth. Jeongguk shoots him a tired smile when he returns and moves over
so that Taehyung can climb into the bed with him and under the covers.

For a moment, it’s silent.

“Did you really break up with her?” Taehyung murmurs.

“Yeah.”

Taehyung studies Jeongguk more closely, moving his head across the pillow so that there’s barely
a centimeter of space between them. Taehyung stares at him. “Did you love her?”

Jeongguk holds his gaze unflinchingly, but he doesn’t answer.

Taehyung turns to look at the ceiling.

“Hey, Tae?” the older boy hums in response. “Do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking one day
there will be no heart at all?”

Taehyung turns his head back towards Jeongguk but almost wishes that he hadn’t. Jeongguk has
that look on his face again. One that always disappears so quickly as if it was never even there in
the first place, but this time it lingers. It lingers and Taehyung notices the way that the younger
boy’s mouth is set in a firm line but that isn’t the worst of it.

No, it’s the dullness of the brown eyes that Taehyung has come to love that scares him. “What do
you mean, Guk?”

Jeongguk blinks and then his face is relaxing into something more pleasant, more familiar. He then
does something that surprises Taehyung. He leans forward and places a chaste kiss on his brow
and Taehyung feels his heartbeat speed up.

“It’s nothing. Goodnight, Tae,” Jeongguk mumbles sleepily as he turns his back to him.

“Goodnight, Guk.”

But it does feel like it’s something so that night, Taehyung wraps an arm around his friend and
holds him as close as he can because for some inexplicable reason, he’s scared that the boy lying
asleep next to him might disappear.
When Jeongguk wakes up the next morning, it’s not in his own bed and there’s someone breathing
down his neck. He grimaces at the oncoming hangover that’s ready to knock his brain right out of
his skull. He shifts to turn around in the person’s arms and sure enough, finds Taehyung sleeping
peacefully next to him with his mouth slightly parted to breathe out puffs of hot air against
Jeongguk’s skin. He looks almost ethereal and Jeongguk can’t help but reach out and run his
fingers through his ridiculous red hair to trace the contours of his jawline. The boy has had his fair
share of attractive girl’s, but Kim Taehyung is beautiful in a way that takes his breath away.

Taehyung is beautiful in a way that it almost hurts.

The older boy sighs under Jeongguk’s touch and when he slowly begins to peel open his eyes,
Jeongguk snatches his hand away as if he had just been burnt.

“G’morning,” he mutters as his lips stretch into a sleepy smile.

“We should dye your hair. You look ridiculous.” It’s not exactly what he wanted to say, but the last
thing Jeongguk wanted was for Taehyung to know that he had practically been ogling him.

Taehyung blinks a couple of times before smacking the younger boy lightly on the arm. “Asshole.”
Jeongguk laughs. “What color?”

“Blonde,” he says after a moment of contemplation.

“Blonde?”

“Yeah.”

“Why blonde?”

Jeongguk shrugs as he moves to sit up and ruffle his own hair, fingers snagging on the knots. “Just
‘cos I think it’d look cool.”

Taehyung grins and teases the younger boy about having a Yoongi complex. “Then blonde it is.”

They end up going to the store after Jimin makes pancakes for them all and Jeongguk had been
genuinely surprised and rather impressed at the fact that sunset haired boy had managed to get
Yoongi up so early, even if it had looked like he was falling asleep in his chair. Jeongguk told the
two of his plans to get rid of Taehyung’s monstrous hair color, to which Jimin had laughed at and
sent up a silent prayer for dramatics. Yoongi had said that looking at Taehyung’s hair gave him
epilepsy and the boy threatened to dye Yoongi’s hair red in his sleep if he didn’t shut the fuck up.

They decide to dye Taehyung’s hair in the bathroom of his apartment but not before Jimin
promises that blood will be shed if they get it everywhere. Jeongguk admits that he’s never dyed
anyone else’s hair before, let alone his own but Taehyung merely says, “my fate is in your hands
my dear Gukkie.”

Surprisingly enough, Jeongguk doesn’t completely destroy Taehyung’s hair, but he promises to
never do it again because the chemical smell hurt his nose and made his eyes water. They had sat
and watched T.V. in the living room for half an hour with a ridiculous cap over Taehyung’s head
before the older boy got up to go wash it out.
When Taehyung shouts from the bathroom that he was done, the three boys all gather onto the
couch and turned towards the bathroom door in anticipation.

“I hope that he’s bald,” Yoongi jibe’s and Jimin tells him to stop being so mean.

“I heard that!” Taehyung says as he swings open the door with more force than necessary and
makes his debut with a dramatic pose. “How do I look?”

Jimin’s the first one to jump to his feet and squeal. “You look so badass!”

Yoongi frowns, grabbing a strand of his own blonde hair and eyeing it disdainfully as he clicks his
tongue. “Looks like I’m gonna have to go back to black.”

Taehyung runs a hand through his hair and strikes another pose, wiggling his eyebrows. “Of course
I look amazing. I am the Kim Taehyung after all.” Jimin laughs and starts hooting and hollering,
asking for his autograph while Yoongi gripes about blonde not being so cool anymore. But when
Taehyung notices that Jeongguk hasn’t said anything, he doesn’t look too sure of himself anymore.
“What do you think, Guk? Does it look that bad?”

Jeongguk would find his fidgeting cute if he wasn’t so awestruck by how well the blonde
complemented Taehyung’s tan complexion. “You look…” really fucking hot “...good. It really
does suit you, Tae. I like it.”

Taehyung scratches the back of his head, a blush blossoming onto his cheeks. “Really?”

“Yeah. Promise.”

Yoongi makes a gagging sound. “You guys are fucking gross.” Jeongguk doesn’t miss the icy look
his friend sends his way and he knows that he’s going to get a mouthful from Yoongi later on.

Jeongguk really doesn’t want to talk because there’s nothing to talk about. He hopes to slip away
before the elder can even notice or outwait him and hang around Taehyung and Jimin all day, but
Jimin is majoring in the medical field to be a doctor, which means spending hours at the library
studying everyday and Taehyung has to go to the elementary school; slipping out isn’t an option
because Yoongi is watching him like a hawk.

When they finally leave and head back towards the frat house, Yoongi doesn’t say anything for a
good while. The chill of November has Jeongguk burying his hands deep into the pockets of his
hoodie and the only sound to fill the silence is the crunch of shriveled up leaves beneath their feet.
Jeongguk is hoping that Yoongi will just let it go and turn a blind eye like he always does, but luck
does not seem to be on his side because as soon as Yoongi closes the door to their shared room, he
unloads himself onto the boy.

“Jeon Jeongguk,” Yoongi uses his full name, something he ever only did when Jeongguk was in
serious trouble. “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Jeongguk chews on the inside of his cheek. “I’m not doin’ shit, hyung.”

“Don’t give me that bs,” Yoongi growls. “I thought I told you to keep Taehyung out of this shit.”

The younger boy sighs. “He’s not even involved in anything, hyung.”
Yoongi looks like he’s about ready to throttle him. “Don’t lie to me. Don’t you dare lie to me,
Jeongguk. You can lie to everyone else, but not me.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Yeah, you are. You’re a goddamn liar and I told you the first day we met that I didn’t do bullshit
and yet shit is fallin’ right outta your mouth.”

Jeongguk clenches his fist. He wants to yell at Yoongi but he can’t, not when the guilt and shame
of lying to the one person he’s ever been honest to is pressing down on him. “So what?” he
mumbles. “So what if I’m playing with him?”

“I told you before. He’s our friend and friends don’t hurt each other. Not like this.”

Jeongguk bites his cheek so hard that he can taste blood. “He’s not my-”

“I see the way you look at him,” Yoongi’s voice softens considerably. “You look at Tae like he’s
got the entire galaxy inside of ‘em. He’s not just another one of those girls you don’t give a shit
about and when you hurt him you're gonna fuckin’ regret it,” he says. “He’s not just a friend to you
‘cos you lov-

Jeongguk stiffens. “Shut up. Shut the fuck up or I’ll make you.”

Yoongi’s mouth snaps shut at Jeongguk’s icy words. He had seen how people who had fallen
victim to Jeongguk’s wrath had ended up and this was the first time the boy had ever directed such
clear animosity towards him. And it’s obvious by the way Yoongi looks at him that the elder is
walking on eggshells and knows that he should just stop; that he should just walk out and give
them both some time to cool down, but if anyone is more stubborn than Jeongguk, then it’s his best
friend.

“Or what? What the fuck are you gonna do Jeongguk?” Yoongi challenges him. “You and Tae
obviously really care about each other. What’s so wrong with letting others give a shit about you?
What’s so wrong with letting people love you, Guk? What are you so afraid of?”

Jeongguk’s breaths are coming in short pants now and his skin feels clammy. “D-don’t say shit
like that towards me ever again. I ain’t scared of shit!”

“No one will ever love a monster like you.”

“I wish you were never born.”

“No wonder why your daddy can’t stand to look at you anymore.”

The voices ring inside his head and the room feels like it’s spinning. “Don’t ever- don’t ever
fucking say that!”

Yoongi flinches at the way his voice rises. “I won’t. I’m sorry, Guk. Just calm down, okay? I
didn’t mean it like-”

“I could never!” Jeongguk doesn’t know why, but breathing is becoming hard and it feels as if
something is crushing his chest. He’s aware that he’s wheezing now. “I could never-” love
Taehyung.
Yoongi’s eyes go wide. “Okay, seriously. You need to calm the fuck down, Guk. You’re starting to
hyperventilate and I think you’re having a panic attack.” The elder reaches out towards him, but
suddenly those hands aren’t the hands of his friend but they’re big and calloused and leave bruises
to blossom into the shape of fingerprints.

Jeongguk begins to scream.

“No! No! Duh-don’t touch me!” he yanks his arm away from Yoongi- no, from the terrible
monster in front of him who promises him pain and trips over himself to crash onto the floor. The
impact is jarring and Jeongguk can’t see straight through his tunnel vision and the pain from the
impact only makes him freak out even more.

“Guk! Jeongguk! Fuck !”

The boy continues to thrash on the floor as the hands fight to pin him down and he can feel nothing
but raw fear coursing through his veins because he can’t let this happen, not again. He begins to
scream even louder. “Let me go! Let me go!”

There’s the sound of the door crashing open and a pair of feet running in. “What the fuck is going
on here?!”

“Help me hold him down before he hurts himself, Namjoon!”

Namjoon doesn’t seem to question it and remains calm because then there’s another set of hands
grabbing Jeongguk but it’s not the hands of his so-called friends and the touch is searing through
his skin like acid. He’s scared. Jeongguk is so fucking scared and even though somewhere deep
down he know’s that he’s in his room with Yoongi and Namjoon completely safe, his mind has
him trapped in a dark place.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. ” Jeongguk’s aware that he’s sobbing now, a sound the came out
as an inhuman guttural noise.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, brother. It’s okay. We’re here with you.” That was Namjoon’s
voice, right? Jeongguk didn’t know. All he knew was that the sheer terror he felt was
overwhelming, so much so that he couldn’t seem to control his bowel movements and-

“Shit, did he just piss himself?”

“Hoseok, make sure not a single fucking person comes in here, got it?”

“Of course.” The sound of the door closing jolts Jeongguk down to his very core because it was so
very loud in his head. It reminded him of the way his father slammed the door when he’d-

“Try to breathe, kid. You’re not wherever your mind is tellin’ you. You’re here with us. With your
friends. That other shit is a lie. Just focus on my voice.”

But Jeongguk couldn’t focus on anything but the sound of his heartbeat in his ears. It was as if his
head was underwater and everything else was muffled and there were hands touching him
everywhere. He could do nothing but repeat apology after apology like a broken mantra until his
voice was raw from screaming. It felt like he was dying and right now, Jeongguk wished that he
was dead.
The last thing he remembers is the feeling of bile forcing it’s way up his throat as he pukes all over
himself and Yoongi calling his name frantically, then everything went black.

The first thing that Jeongguk registers when he starts to regain consciousness is that his head feels
it’s swimming. His eyelids are heavy and stained with dried tears as he fights to pry them open and
his tongue feels thick, and if he had the energy, he’d grimace at the foul taste in his mouth. It takes
awhile, but the fogginess starts to ebb away and it doesn’t feel like there’s so much cotton stuck in
his ears, Jeongguk hears voices and it takes another minute for him to piece together coherent
sentences.

“What the fuck happened, hyung?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t fucking know, man. He just freaked out on me and I…”

Jeongguk felt someone brush his hair away from his forehead and dab a cool rag to his skin. He
still felt clammy and the feeling of being practically drenched in sweat was uncomfortable.

“Should I call Jimin? He’s a medical student in the neuro surgeon field.” Jeongguk was sure that
the voice belonged to Namjoon.

There’s a moment of silence before Yoongi tells him not to. “He’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure about that? He just pissed himself and threw up, hyung.”

“Yeah. It’s just ‘cos he was scared.” Yoongi doesn’t sound too sure of himself and Namjoon tells
him that he doesn’t think Jeongguk is okay at all. “Look, you can’t tell anyone, alright? Whatever
happened today stays between me, you and Hoseok.”

“But what about Taehyung?”

“No,” the ice in Yoongi’s tone cuts through the heavy atmosphere. “Especially not Tae.”

A pause.

“Look,” Namjoon starts. “I know you’re the one who’s closest to Jeongguk. He’s a kid that doesn’t
ever talk about shit when it’s hard, and I know that shit must be hard because he has so many
expectations to live up to. I don’t expect you to tell me everything, but if you ever feel like he’s a
danger to himself...don’t keep it to yourself, hyung.”

Jeongguk wants to jump up and grab Namjoon by the collar and shake him. He wants to tell him
about how evil he truly is. He wants to tell him about what he did to Ana and then watch the older
boy’s face twist into something akin to horror and disgust. If he told Namjoon, any affection that
the man felt for him would disappear. But right now, everything still feels too heavy and when
Jeongguk let's out a low moan, Yoongi calls out his name.

When Jeongguk finally pries his eyes open, the light filtering through the curtains causes a sharp
pain to shoot up to the base of his skull and he whimpers. Yoongi asks Namjoon to close the
curtains and Jeongguk blinks rapidly in an attempt to clear his vision.

“W-wuh…” it hurts to speak and his throat feels like it’s on fire.
Yoongi, who is perched next to him at the edge of the bed, offers a soft smile. “Hey kid.”

Jeongguk squints and doesn’t say anything but lets out another groan.

Namjoon moves over the foot of the bed. “Are you sure he’s okay, hyung? He looks fucking
delirious.”

Yoongi brushes his fingers through Jeongguk’s damp hair. “You with us?”

Jeongguk nods slowly in response. “‘s fine,” he slurs. “‘m fine.”

“Guk,” Yoongi starts. “Do you wanna talk about what happened?”

Suddenly, Jeongguk feels cold and he turns his head away from the pair to stare blankly at the
wall. Yoongi whispers something to Namjoon and he turns to leave but not before telling the
younger boy that he hopes that he starts feeling better and then Jeongguk is left alone with the one
person he doesn’t want to be alone in a room with right now.

For the next five minutes, no one speaks a word and Jeongguk wishes that the elder would just get
up and leave him alone, but he still feels the indentation of Yoongi sitting on the bed and he
doesn’t want to know what kind of expression the blonde is making.

“Christ Gukkie, I-”

“I dun’ wanna talk ‘bout it,” Jeongguk rasps out. He can practically feel Yoongi frowning at him.

“Well you can’t just act like nothing happened. You were knocked out cold for fucking ten
minutes, Guk. I had to clean up your vomit and if I wasn’t a Psych major I would have called a
fucking ambulance. Please talk to me, kid.” He can hear the desperation in his friend’s voice and
Jeongguk wishes he could feel bad but all he feels right now is numbness that stabs him in his
chest and spreads down to his fingertips.

He turns to finally look at the elder with an unreadable expression. “That’s exactly what I’m gonna
do, hyung. I dun’ wanna talk ‘cos I dun’ wanna think. I’m a little bitch. I’m a lil bitch who pissed
himself. I don’t wanna talk about jack shit.”

Yoongi sighs, “you’re not a bitch. You’re human, Guk and sometimes shit just happens.” Jeongguk
wants to tell him that he’s not supposed to be human but a God. “You probably feel even worse
than you look but let’s get you cleaned up at least, yeah?”

Jeongguk nods numbly. Sitting up makes him dizzy and when he swings his legs over the edge of
the bed, his legs feel like jelly and he’s shaking too much to coordinate himself anywhere properly,
so Yoongi has to help him up. Yoongi grunts at the weight of the younger leaning heavily against
him. He peers out the door to check if anyone is lingering in the halls before quickly dragging the
boy to the bathroom and locking it.

Jeongguk all but collapses onto the closed lid of the toilet seat and as he stares down at his hands, it
is then that he notices that he’s in nothing but his shirt and underwear that smells like piss and
concludes that Yoongi must have taken them off before he put him in bed. The older boy moves to
turn on the faucet and fill up the bathtub and even though Jeongguk tells him that he is capable of
doing it himself, Yoongi ignores him as he yanks Jeongguk’s shirt over his head and tells the boy
to stand up so he can pull his underwear down. Yoongi’s nose scrunches up at the smell and he
tosses the ruined undergarment in the trash but decides that the shirt can be salvaged with a good
wash.

The younger tries to ignore the overwhelming sense of shame he feels because Jeongguk is twenty
years old and standing naked in front of his best friend, whom grabs him by the elbow to help him
into the tub. Jeongguk feels pathetic as he all but sinks into the warm water that stings his skin and
he’s almost tempted to drown himself right there and then because right now death seems more
comforting than the ugly feeling that’s twisting his insides into a knot.

He brushes his teeth till he tastes blood on his tongue, and then Yoongi hands a loofah to him and
the boy glides the soap lathered toiletry across his goosebump covered arms, but the motion starts
to turn more frantic and soon the boy is practically scrubbing his skin so hard that it’s turning red.
He thinks that maybe if he scrubs hard enough, it’ll wash away his sins, but then Yoongi is yelling
at him to stop and prying the loofah out of the death grip he has on it.

“Jeongguk, what the fuck are you doing? You’re hurting yourself, stop!” Yoongi isn’t yelling but
there’s a certain severity in his hissed whispers that has the boy relenting.

“I- I gotta wash it away. I’m duh-dirty. I’m dirty , hyung.” The warm water does not stop
Jeongguk’s trembling.

“You ain’t dirty, Guk. I promise that you ain’t dirty,” Yoongi reassures him in a gentle voice that
doesn’t suit his rough persona. But Jeongguk is rotten right down to his very core and even if he
were to peel off his skin and all the layers of fat and muscle, he would still find maggots.

Yoongi washes Jeongguk’s hair with shampoo and the feeling of his friend’s fingers massaging at
his scalp eases the headache. The elder has never been talkative but he starts rambling on about
Hoseok being a terrible Chem partner who almost blew up their classroom and Jeongguk starts to
feel a bit at ease as he listens to his friends complaints. When he’s finished washing Jeongguk’s
hair, he pulls the boy out to sit him back on the toilet seat and proceeds to dry him down before
stepping out to grab some clothes. It only takes a minute before Yoongi is rushing back all too
quickly as if he’s scared to leave the boy alone. Getting Jeongguk dressed and back into their room
is easier than it had been getting there because the boy is more steady on his feet and doesn’t drop
his entire weight onto Yoongi’s small frame.

Jeongguk is surprised when Yoongi directs him towards his bed and not his own, but then the boy
remembers that the sheets are probably covered in sweat and the smell of piss probably sticks to
the to them like a haunting reminder of his weakness.

Yoongi grabs a cigarette before he lays next to Jeongguk and this time he doesn’t open the window
but let’s the smoke cover the room in a thin haze and the elder surprises him once again when he
puts his arm under the Jeongguk’s head and strokes at his soft locks soothingly. And for once,
Jeongguk doesn’t tease his friend by calling him a pussy or complain about the stench of smoke as
Yoongi takes another drag.

“Hyung?” he whispers.

“Hn?”

Jeongguk wets his lips. “You’re not gonna tell Tae, right?”

“Tell ‘em what?” That I’m a monster. “There ain’t nuthin’ to tell, kid.”
The younger silently thanks him as he rolls over to study the side of Yoongi’s face. His expression
is relaxed and doesn’t give anything away, but Jeongguk knows that there’s a lot of things his
friend wants to say but won’t.

“I only need you, hyung. I only need you ‘n no one else, ‘kay?”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything.

“You won’t ever betray me, right hyung?”

“Never.”

Jeongguk pretends that he doesn’t hear the way Yoongi’s voice trembles.

Yet another few weeks pass by in a blur and Jeongguk falls back into the routine of being a normal
college student- well, as normal as someone like him could be. It’s almost the end of October,
which means that the boy is swamped in frat responsibilities because Namjoon had been adamant
about their house throwing the best party. Being one of the higher ranked brothers meant that all of
the responsibility was forced onto Jeongguk because Hoseok was a lazy piece of shit who was only
good at putting pledges through his hellish hazing ritual that were basically pledgicide. And
despite Jeongguk’s initial objections over the ridiculous amount of things needed for the party on
the list that Namjoon gave him (seriously, who the fuck needs a chocolate water fountain) the idiot
of a president had simply waved him off and said, “go big or go home, bro.”

So Jeongguk set about the grueling task of doing charity work, while pushing the menial tasks of
buying alcohol, snacks and decorations to the N.I.B’s. Hoseok had at least taken it upon himself to
send out invitations and Yoongi was of no help at all because he all but vanished when he wasn’t
in class to hang out with Jimin. Taehyung had said that they were cute together and told Jeongguk
to give the elder a break when he had complained about Yoongi being an asshole. And Jeongguk
really did give Yoongi a break, because while the incident a few weeks ago had been seemingly
forgotten (it was the bro code of silence that kept Hoseok and Namjoon tight lipped) Jeongguk
couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable knowing that they all had seen him so raw and exposed and
weak. He didn’t want anyone, especially Yoongi, to see him look so pathetic ever again.

Jeongguk’s not sure where he and Taehyung stand, because while he has made efforts to make
teasingly flirtatious comments and smirk in just the right way that makes girls practically drool, the
older boy seems to be impervious to his advances. Jeongguk’s not sure if Taehyung is playing
dumb or really doesn’t know when Jeongguk puts in extra effort to be touchy and his blonde
counterpart just shoots him a boxy smile that leaves him feeling rather self conscious of how close
they are. Either way, it’s a game of tug and no pull that’s starting to irritate him because Taehyung
just isn’t biting and he’s almost tempted to give into Yoongi’s pleas to give up and move onto
another sorority bimbo, but Jeongguk doesn’t want to. He’s tired of easy pussy and the game just
isn’t fun when it’s easy.

“You’re coming to the Halloween party at the house, yeah?” the pair find themselves at a game
cafe yet again after another failed attempt at getting Taehyung to focus on Calculus homework.

“Your frat house?” Taehyung asks flatly as his fingers tap against the keyboard and press the right
mouse button rather frantically.

“Duh.”
Taehyung hums. “I dunno. You know parties aren’t really my thing, ‘specially one’s that involve
frat fuckboys.”

Game forgotten, Jeongguk swivels his chair around to glare at the blonde. “Okay, I know that
you’re like a GDI or whatever, but you know that these past few weeks have been hell for me since
Namjoon hyung put me in charge of this shit. I’m literally going to die if you leave me to suffer
alone.” Taehyung still hasn’t bothered to look in Jeongguk’s direction, so he takes it upon himself
to roll his chair forward until his knees bump into the side of Taehyung’s chair. “Taetae hyung,”
Jeongguk coos as he slips an arm around Taehyung’s waist and brings his face close, “please.”

Taehyung finally turns his head and Jeongguk realizes that their noses are almost touching.
Jeongguk can feel the older boy’s hot breath against his face when he smiles and says, “fine, but
you owe me,” it makes him dizzy and slightly flustered, because how can Taehyung be this damn
composed? The older boy had already admitted that he found Jeongguk attractive, and Jeongguk
was sure that the blonde had gotten rather hard for him during their incident some months ago, so
why was he acting so...so disinterested? Jeongguk tampered with the thought of Taehyung possibly
no longer finding him attractive but quickly brushed it off because there wasn’t a single soul on
campus who didn’t find the second year boy attractive. Call him arrogant, but Jeongguk knew that
he was more than above average and he found Taehyung’s obliviousness to be rather insulting. So
of course, he takes it out on the girls he fucks to stroke his ego while he’s high out of his mind.

Jeongguk discovers that Taehyung is far too pure for his own good when a few days and a hundred
failed attempts at flirting later, he’s sitting in the kitchen of Jimin and Taehyung’s shared apartment
while the latter is in the shower, shoving bagels into his mouth when Jimin says, “you gotta try
harder, Gukkie.” The boy tries to ask him what he’s talking about through a mouthful of bagel, but
it only comes out as muffled gibberish. “If you want Tae to notice you, you’ve got to try harder.”

“What do you mean?” Jeongguk asks with furrowed brows after he swallows.

Jimin leans his elbows on the counter and places his chin in between the palms of his hands as he
looks at Jeongguk with sage mischief painted across his face. “It’s obvious by the way you look at
Tae that you like him. I’ll admit, I didn’t peg you as the bisexual type of guy,” he giggles.

“Oh,” Jeongguk says lamely, dropping his half eaten bagel onto the plate. He morphs his
expression to look abashed and forces a blush to seem more genuine, because the Jeongguk he
plays pretend as is shy and socially awkward, not scheming to hurt others and callous in his words.
Jeongguk had long ago learned that the best way to the hearts of his playthings was through their
best friends.

Jimin must find Jeongguk’s reaction amusing because he laughs and smiles widely. “If you flirt
with Tae and hope that he’ll somehow notice, you’re not gonna get anywhere, my friend. The guy
might as well be blind and deaf because he’s as clueless as they come.”

Jeongguk slumps in his stool and grimaces. “Tell me about it.”

“If you really like him, you’re just gonna have to tell him upfront. Pin him against a wall and fuck
him or something.”

The younger boy’s eyes widen in horror as he gapes. “Hyung!”

Jimin practically rolls at his reaction. “Jeez, Gukkie. Why do you have to be so cute? I was
kidding.” Jeongguk narrowly avoids the fingers that reach out to try and pinch his cheeks.
Throughout the weeks that he had known Jimin, Jeongguk has quickly come to realize that he is
super touchy. Taehyung had simply told him that Jimin had some weird younger brother complex
when it came to Jeongguk and that if he wasn’t so fixated on Yoongi then he would have snatched
him away from Taehyung in a heartbeat. If Jeongguk didn’t know better, he would almost think
that Taehyung got jealous when Jimin hugged Jeongguk for a second too long or when he threw
himself at Jeongguk, body shaking with laughter whenever someone made a joke.

Jeongguk almost wishes that Taehyung was jealous.

“I-I can’t confess to him,” Jeongguk stutters.

“And why’s that?”

The younger can’t think of a quick excuse. “‘Cos I just can’t.”

“Gukkie...you’re not in the closet, are you?”

Jeongguk almosts laughs at Jimin’s question because although he has never considered men
before, he’s not ashamed by his new discovery. He somehow manages to hold his composure. “I’m
not sure,” he lies.

“When did you realize your sexuality?” Jimin asks.

Jeongguk rubs the back of his neck rather sheepishly. “I always thought I was straight, y’know?
But then I met Taehyung and it was like wow, I really want to be with this person. ”

“That’s super cheesy but relatable.”

Jeongguk laughs. “Thanks, hyung. I’ll...I’ll tell him eventually. I just need some time to sort my
own feelings out.”

Jimin nods vehemently. “Yeah, yeah. Take your time, man.” A comforting silence settles around
him and Jimin goes back to writing notes out of his medical textbook with sighs of annoyance.
Jeongguk pretends that he doesn’t notice the way Jimin chews his bottom lip and flickers his eyes
to him every once in awhile because his anxious glances scream, “I want to ask you something
really personal but I’m not sure if I should.” But of course, the inevitable question comes and
Jeongguk mentally prepares alternative responses to whatever it is.

Jimin puts down his pencil to look at Jeongguk with a rather serious expression. “Gukkie...you
know that you can tell me things, right? I know that we haven’t known each other for long, but we
hang out a lot so I feel like we’re pretty close.”

The younger plays along rather reluctantly. “I really appreciate the sentiment, but what brought this
on, hyung?”

Jimin hesitates before he asks rather worriedly, “have you been feeling okay?”

Jeongguk blinks dumbly and nods. “Yeah, I’ve been fine.”

“Are you sure? It’s just that sometimes you seem a little off and this morning you came in looking
fucking exhausted, man.”
He remembers that he’d fucked his dealer in the backseat of her car and gotten high after he’d
woken up from a text from her. “Yeah, things with the frat and school has just been a little hectic
lately.”

Jimin nods, frown disappearing into a soft smile. “Okay. That’s good. I was just worried, y’know?
Like I said before, it hasn’t been long; but me, you, Tae, and Yoongi...I feel like we’re the Four
Musketeers or something.”

He snorts. “It’s the Three Musketeers, hyung.”

“Yeah, but we’re special,” the orange haired boy jokes with a goofy smile.

True to his word, Taehyung does end up showing up to the party, albeit an hour late; which means
an hour of Jeongguk having to plaster on a smile so fake that his cheeks ache and having to laugh
at shitty frat boy jokes. It meant an hour of an already drunk Hoseok telling another outrageous
story about how he had fucked three models in a hotel room on Jeju Island last summer, to which
Jeongguk pointed out that Hoseok could barely afford college tuition, much less a plane ticket to
Jeju. During one of his drunken rants, Jeongguk had been able to slip away and lingered by the
front door, where he was growing more and more impatient by the second.

Just when Jeongguk was about to give up and admit to himself that Taehyung had ditched him in
favor of binge watching horror movies at home with Jimin, a familiar redhead dressed in a police
uniform walked up the steps with Taehyung in tow. But before either could step a foot into the frat
house, they were stopped by Jackson, who had been put in charge of keeping an eye on who went
in and out. The music was too loud for Jeongguk to properly hear, but by the furrow of Jimin’s
brows and the way his lips were pulled down into a frown, the boy deducted that they weren’t
being let in. So slipping past drunken college students with muttered excuse me’s , Jeongguk
sought to sort out the problem.

“Dude, if you don’t have an invitation, fuck off,” Jackson growls with the wave of his hand.

“I just said that Jeongguk invited us!” Jimin argues.

Jackson snortes. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

“Jackson, it’s alright,” Jeongguk says as he approaches the threshold. “They’re with me, man. I
just forgot to give them invitations.”

Jackson raises an eyebrow but nods anyway.

He motions for the two of them inside and Jimin is quick to disappear through the crowd to find a
drink because Jackson was apparently a dickhead but Taehyung snorts and says that it was just an
excuse to leave them so that he could get into Yoongi’s pants.

“The Joker?” Jeongguk inquires, noting the older boy’s mussled blonde hair that had been spray
painted a faded green, white face paint with a chelsea grin drawn on in smudged lipstick and the
signature Heath Ledger outfit.

“Ding! Ding!” Taehyung chimes. “Sorry for being late by the way. I wanted to go as a homeless
guy but Jimin wouldn’t let me.”
Jeongguk laughs. “You look good, Tae.”

He grins. “So do you, mister Dracula- despite the whole vampire thing being so terribly cliche; the
great Jeon Jeonggukkie can pull anything off.”

The younger winks. “You bet I can.”

“You wanna make a bet?” Taehyung asks with mischief displayed in a smirk. Against his better
judgment, Jeongguk asked what kind of bet. “I bet 50,000₩ on Jimin and Yoongi fucking
tonight.”

Jeongguk snorts as if he had just heard the most ridiculous thing. “Doubt it,” he says. “Yoongi
hyung doesn’t fuck friends. He says that it makes shit complicated and hyung doesn’t do
complicated. 50,000₩ says that they won’t.”

The older boy nudges his side, smile so wide threatening to split his lips. “You’re totally gonna be
eating your words tomorrow, my dude.”

“Try me.”

The rest of the night was spent by Taehyung’s side, the two seemingly lost in their own little world
as they sat on the settee in the den area while Taehyung told some wild story, and for once;
Jeongguk didn’t hate parties. He was genuinely having a good time.

“The first time I ever discovered I was like, hella gay was in middle school,” Taehyung says. The
party is in full swing and even though there’s plenty of space on the settee, the blonde is sitting so
dangerously close to Jeongguk that he can smell his cologne. Jeongguk doesn’t know if there’s an
electric current connecting them together where their knees touch or if it’s just the slight buzz of
alcohol. “I was twelve and my dad had built this cool treehouse in the backyard for me and Jimin.
It was like our secret base of some sorts. I kind of kissed Jimin and didn’t hate it.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen. “You did not!”

Taehyung snickers. “I did!”

“Did he call the police?” the younger jokes.

“Nah, Jimin discovered that he liked dick too that day,” Taehyung says cheekily.

“Sooo, did you guys date?”

“He’s not my type.”

Jeongguk raises a brow, “then what is your type?”

Taehyung leans even closer, alcohol sloshing in his cup. His breath is hot on Jeongguk’s ear and
the younger suppresses the urge to shiver. “You.”

Jeongguk pretends that his heart didn’t just skip a beat at his words. “Me?”

“You.”

The night drags on and at some point, Namjoon had came up to the pair and challenged Jeongguk
to a game of beer pong, and even though the boy had insisted that he was just fine where he was,
Namjoon had practically dragged him over to the ping pong table.

It really wasn’t that hard to beat Namjoon. He was clumsy and knocked over three cups of beer on
his own side, and the game ended with him waving the white flag of surrender because Jeongguk
had already made five shots and apparently he didn’t want to die of alcohol poisoning just yet. But
a very drunk and very loud Hoseok did not take their president’s defeat well and swore that he
would regain Namjoon’s honor for him; the latter being too drunk to care about chivalry.

Jeongguk knew that accepting Hoseok’s challenge wasn’t a good idea. He knew that even drunk,
the elder was a frat boy through and through who excelled at beer pong, but Hoseok’s goading
brought out the competitive side of Jeongguk that never backed down- especially after being called
a little bitch.

He didn’t know how long the game went, but Hoseok’s aim was stupidly good and Jeongguk
probably should have waved his own white flag, but the competitive side of him refused to give up
even when Taehyung said, “I really don’t want to bring you to the ER tonight, Guk.”

Neither of them missed shots and when the white plastic ball landed in another red cup, Jeongguk
downed his seventh cup. The taste of alcohol was no longer appealing to him and he had to resist
the urge to gag when it hit his tongue. Somehow, Jeongguk managed pulled through and the taste
becomes more manageable- although just barely. The game had ended with a completely shit faced
Hoseok stumbling to a nearby plant and throwing up inside of it before unceremoniously falling to
the ground and curling up into a ball. Jeongguk was glad that all the nights of waking up still half
drunk in back alleys or the beds’ of random chicks had paid off. His alcohol tolerance was nearly
unrivaled.

Those who had been watching cheered for the his victory and Taehyung had asked: are you okay?
to which Jeongguk had replied with a blatant: I’m so drunk right now, hyung.

Taehyung had suggested that they go on a walk to sober them both up a little and he simply nodded
dumbly in response. But the two didn’t get that far before Jeongguk started complaining about the
asphalt moving underneath him and in his drunken stupor, angrily telling the older boy to stop
moving the ground, asshole.

Taehyung laughed at this. The euphonious sound cutting clear into the quietness of 1a.m. and
Jeongguk tries to convince himself that the pounding he hears in his ears is from the muffled
noises of the party and not his own heart. He tries to convince himself that this is really nothing
more than just a game, but when Taehyung tilts his head towards Jeongguk and smiles so brightly
that he becomes the moon, Jeongguk wants to feel him underneath his skin and seep into the cracks
of his fractured bones that never quite healed right.

“Let’s sit down for a minute, ‘k? I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself, Guk.”

Jeongguk wants to tell him that nothing really hurts anymore but silently complies and sits next to
him instead.

Taehyung’s eyes glisten under the moonlight and Jeongguk feels his chest tighten at the sight.

Kim Taehyung is unreal. He’s beautiful in a way that can never be simplified by words such as
beautiful and Jeongguk wants to kick himself for thinking so simplistically, but Taehyung makes
him stupid and reckless. He makes Jeongguk feel as if his scars are actually healing and there isn’t
a giant gaping hole in his chest and he knows that he should run away. He knows that he should
run away as far as he can because this beautiful boy is dangerous and will break his heart but
Jeongguk swears that he will break his first.

“It’s a beautiful night,” Taehyung throws himself flat onto the grass and stared up at the sky, smile
still on his face.

Jeongguk sighs from his spot next to him and joined the older boy, laying down so that their
shoulders were touching. The green blades are prickly and irritate his bare skin. “Tae, it’s freezing
and you’re drunk.”

“Yeah, but,” Taehyung shifts even closer to him, “when I’m with you, nothing feels cold.”

Jeongguk snorts, “is that some pick-up line from some cheesy romcom?”

It’s actually fucking cute.

The older boy pinches his side. “I came up with it myself, thank you very much. Besides, even
when I’m drunk you’re still hot.” Neither of them say anything for awhile, just stare at the trillions
of small lights in the black sky and briefly, Jeongguk wonders if his own mother was one of those
blinking stars. He wonders what she would think if she saw how deplorable of a person he had
become.

“Are you scared?” Taehyung’s quiet question fills the silence.

“Of what?”

“The future; cause I am.”

Jeongguk scoffs, “I ain’t scared of shit.”

Taehyung chuckles lightly and Jeongguk can feel the older boy’s gaze heavy on him, tracing the
outline of his face. “We’re all scared of something, Guk; so tell me what your worst fears are, I bet
they look a lot like mine.”

Jeongguk wants to laugh because it’s so far from the truth that it’s almost some bad pun. He shrugs
instead. “I don’t really think about the future.”

“Aren’t you scared of death?” his voice is below a whisper now, a mumble that Jeongguk almost
doesn’t quite catch.

The younger turns to meet his gaze, both of their expressions blank. “No,” he says honestly. “I’m
not scared to die. We all gotta die someday, right?”

Taehyung hums in response. “Yeah, but I don’t wanna. There’s so much to see in this world and
knowing that I won’t even see a fraction of it all before I die is scary.”

Jeongguk sighs, “the world isn’t that beautiful, Tae. It’s ugly and doesn’t give a shit about any of
us.”

“But it’s up to us to see the beauty in it.”

Jeongguk hates Taehyung’s optimism and he wishes he could say that it was infectious and set his
heart aflutter, but Jeongguk knows better by now to not have hope for anything. It makes black, hot
fire burn in his chest and Jeongguk hates Taehyung’s innocence because he had never had the
benefit of being an oblivious kid. The resentment he feels towards Taehyung’s words is unsettling.

“We’re gonna die one day and that’s just the way it is, Tae,” he comments dryly. “There’s no
outrunning death.”

“Do you want to die, Jeongguk?”

This is the part where he should lie; he should lie and say that he values his life because that is
what the Jeongguk that he’s pretending to be would do. He doesn’t know why he tells the truth. “I
don’t think I do, but I know that if I were to die right now I wouldn’t care.”

Taehyung goes silent for a long minute and Jeongguk’s not sure if it’s the moonlight playing tricks
on his eyes, but the older boy looks to have paled at his words.

“You scare me sometimes,” he finally says in a shaky voice.

Jeongguk stiffens, “why?”

“‘Cos people like you come into other’s lives like a storm and always leave a mess behind when
you leave.”

“People like me?” this conversation is getting too personal.

Jeongguk can see the worry etched into the shadows of Taehyung’s face. “People like you who
don’t value your own lives. Those kinds of people are reckless and stupid, but you,” he pauses,
“you’re not. You’re popular, smart, the rational person between us, responsible… you’re perfect
and that’s fucking terrifying.”

He laughs like it’s a joke. “I’m not perfect . I’m far from it.”

“Are you happy?”

No.

“Yes.”

Jeongguk doesn’t know why his hand is shaking when he rests it on Taehyung’s cheek, thumb
moving in soothing circles. “Would it scare you if I kissed you right now?”

He can hear Taehyung’s breath hitch. “No. It wouldn’t.”

Jeongguk sits up so that he’s resting on his elbow to support his weight as he leans over Taehyung.

“Are you gonna break my heart?” Taehyung asks, their lips a mere breath apart.

“No,” Jeongguk lies. “I would never.”

And then he’s pressing their lips together and the kiss is too soft and intimate in a way that
Jeongguk has never kissed a girl before. Their mouths slant together and fit perfectly and Jeongguk
holds the older boy so gently and he knows that tomorrow he will blame it on the alcohol because
Jeongguk does not kiss anyone like he loves them, and he most certainly does not love Taehyung.

Taehyung, who parts his lips for him. Taehyung, who tastes like vodka and something sweet.
Taehyung, who reaches up to tangle his fingers in Jeongguk’s black locks as the kiss deepens into
something more heated. Taehyung, who invades his senses until all he can think is Taehyung
Taehyung Taehyung.

When Jeongguk finally pulls back for air, his breath is shaky and Taehyung is panting underneath
him with his cheeks flushed and lips slick with spit. He’s fucked up. He’s so fucked up because
Taehyung is so pretty and too good for him and he wonders if he should leave, but he stays because
he’s selfish.

“I like you,” Jeongguk admits, “like, as more than a friend.”

Taehyung laughs and winds his arms around Jeongguk’s neck. “I thought you weren’t gay?”

Jeongguk glares, “shuddup.”

“I’m too drunk for this,” he says. “I think we both are. Why don’t we go back to my place since
Yoongi and Jimin are probably fucking in your room right now. We’ll sleep this off and if you still
feel the same way when you wake up and it isn’t just the alcohol talking, we can go from there,
okay?”

Jeongguk nods, “okay.”

Jeongguk wakes up the next morning a skull splitting headache and no recollection of how exactly
they managed to make it to Taehyung’s off campus apartment, because while he remembers very
little, he faintly recalls that he was too drunk to walk the long distance properly.

He also remembers kissing Taehyung.

Jeongguk groans, shoving his face into the pillow and letting out a sigh. He remembered the way
he had kissed Taehyung and his rare display of honesty fueled by alcohol. The moment had been
far too intimate and Jeongguk was regretting the fact that he didn’t regret what had conspired that
much. He hated how soft Taehyung’s lips were and how pliant he had been sprawled on the grass
underneath him in the chill of 1a.m. He regretted ever thinking that Taehyung was beautiful. He
regretted how much he actually liked kissed Taehyung.

“Death by pillow does not sound too appealing.”

Jeongguk turns his head and finds that Taehyung is gazing at him through half lidded eyes. He
notes that the boy had been sober enough last night to take a shower and change his clothes before
crashing.

“You’re awake,” he states dumbly, not quite sure what to say because a part of him is hoping that
Taehyung had been drunk enough to forget last night. But the other part of him reminds him that
this is supposed to be a game and that Jeongguk has Taehyung exactly where he wants him.
Taehyung laughs, “good morning to you too, Captain Obvious.”

Jeongguk squints in an attempt to ease the aching behind his eyes. “How did we even get here in
one piece?”

The older boy shifts, rolling onto his back and stretching his limbs like a cat with a moan of
satisfaction escaping his lips. “Okay first of all, you were stupidly drunk after that game of beer
pong. I had to practically drag you home and you passed out as soon as you hit the bed. It was like
the first time you spent the night all over again,” he jokes. “Except a million times worse. I did
manage to take off that gay ass cape and your shoes and pants though.”

Jeongguk shoves his face right back into the pillow and this time, he hopes that he really does
suffocate to death. “Kill me, now.”

“Do you even remember last night?”

Jeongguk sighs again, turning his head back towards the older boy. “Honestly, everything after
beer pong is kind of fuzzy.”

Taehyung’s eyes glint in amusement. “ Boy , do I have a story to tell you.”

He freezes in horror. “Please tell me that I didn’t say anything really stupid when you dragged me
back here or threw up or some shit.”

Taehyung snorts. “Nah, nothing like that.” His tongue darts out to nervously swipe over his bottom
lip, “but you did tell me you liked me though. And you kissed me.”

“I remember that,” Jeongguk mumbles after a moment of silence.

“Oh,” Taehyung says. He tries to laugh it off to dispel the awkwardness that has settled around
them. “But it’s cool, man. People do dumb shit when they’re drunk. I mean, me and Jimin have
made out before when we were shitfaced.”

Jeongguk has to resist the urge to kiss Taehyung right there and then because the thought of him
kissing another guy did not sit well with the younger, and he wanted to erase any memory that
Taehyung had of tasting another man that wasn’t him. He wanted to taste every inch of Taehyung’s
mouth and leave a part of himself behind to slink down into the older boy’s throat and build a
home in his lungs. He wanted Taehyung to remember him like fungus growing in between his rib
cage.

He wanted to intertwine himself so deeply into Taehyung’s life that it would hurt like hell when he
left.

“And what if I meant it?”

Taehyung averts his gaze under Jeongguk’s piercing stare.

“Haha, very funny,” Taehyung remarks sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. “Stop trying to crush a
little gay boy’s heart by making me think that I actually have a-

“I like you.”
“What?” Taehyung blinks in stupor.

Jeongguk scoots closer. “Kim Taehyung, I, Jeon Jeongguk, like you.”

He waits patiently for the older boy to register his words, amused by the way he opens and closes
his mouth several times, only to furrow his brows. Jeongguk could practically hear his thoughts,
confusion reflected through tired eyes. “Sooo, you’re not straight then?”

Jeongguk scoffs. “You make it hard for me to be straight, Tae.”

Taehyung turns a brilliant shade of red. “I-” he sits up, running his hands through his messy hair,
lips draw into a thin line. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you like me?”

“Of course,” the older boy says in a heartbeat and Jeongguk would be lying if he said that his heart
didn’t swell at how sure he sounded of himself.

“Good,” Jeongguk says before grabbing Taehyung and pulling him down to press their lips
together for a lazy morning kiss.

When he pulls back, Taehyung looks a little dazed with flushed cheeks. “Ew, morning breath.”
Jeongguk laughs and calls him a jerk, and Taehyung grins. “Wow, this is totally real, right? It’s not
some wet dream where we have kinky sex and I wake up with a hard on?”

Jeongguk makes a sound between a snort and a laugh. “I promise that it’s not a dream. And
although the idea of having kinky sex sounds really appealing right now, so does breakfast.”
Taehyung agrees with him and they both clamber out of bed, Jeongguk announcing that he’s going
to take a shower first while Taehyung offers to make pancakes.

He reaches for the duffel bag he had began to leave in Taehyung’s room because he was there for
too often and pulled out clean clothes, as well as his wallet and a baggie hidden in one of the
compartments before heading to the bathroom.

Jeongguk doesn’t really care for much, but he always feels guilty for snorting lines in Taehyung’s
bathroom. He knows that he shouldn’t care, because Jeongguk had done more than just snorted
coke in places he shouldn’t, but there was always that moment of shame that ate away at him when
he lined the white substance on the edge of the bathroom sink with a credit card. There was always
that momentary lapse where he’d stare at the white powder and hate himself, but any bad feelings
were quickly forgotten when he leaned down and snorted the powder up his nose with a rolled up
won.

Nothing felt better than the numbness and euphoria that cocaine greeted him with. It was better
than the hangover or the emptiness that made his chest cave in on itself.

The water was scalding against Jeongguk’s skin. He sighed in pleasure, leaning his head back. The
feeling of the heat intensified with the drug rushing through his system. He didn’t know how long
he stood under the shower head. But when the water began to turn cold and his high began to ebb
away, he decided that he was sober to get dressed and join Taehyung.

“Why does it smell like something’s burning?” Jeongguk asks suspiciously as he makes his way
into the kitchen, where Taehyung is frantically trying to wave away the smoke. He looks at the
pancake in the pan that has been burnt to a charcoal black.

“I tried and that should be what matters the most,” Taehyung mutters dejectedly.

“You mean you tried to burn the house down?” Jeongguk rebuts as Taehyung sags in defeat.

“Okay, whatever. We both know that I’m not the best at cooking.”

“ Not the best ? Tae, you burnt the pancake to the pan!” the younger exclaims in disbelief.

Taehyung raises his hands. “Alright, I admit my defeat. I’m a terrible cook and the only thing I
know how to do is microwave ramyun.”

“You’re unbelievable,”Jeongguk says with the shake of his head, caging Taehyung in with his
palms resting against the counter. “So unbelievable,” he mutters again, leaning forward to press
their lips together.

Taehyung smiles against his lips, mumbling something that sounds like “yeah, but you like me
anyway.”

“You’re a brat,” Jeongguk chides when he pulls back.

Taehyung shoots him a playful glare. “I’m your hyung, you lil’ shit.”

The two go back and forth in their banter with Taehyung carding his fingers through Jeongguk’s
still damp hair, their insults holding no weight to them. And in this moment, a part of Jeongguk
wants them to just stay like this forever. A part of him wants to forget that what they have isn’t real
and stay in the small kitchen with the heat from Taehyung’s body pressed close to him.

But the world isn’t kind enough to give Jeongguk forever.

“I would ask if you want to go out for breakfast, but I have to return to the frat house to make sure
that everyone is still breathing,” he says reluctantly.

Taehyung pouts but nods anyway as Jeongguk moves across the living room to slip into his shoes.
“How can you profess your undying love to me and then just leave me like that!”

Jeongguk laughs, “you’re so dramatic.”

“I am not dramatic.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” he teases. “I’ll catch you later though, alright?” Just as he
turns around to swing the door open, he nearly runs right into a very hungover looking Jimin.
Jeongguk’s eyes scan the boy, eyebrows shooting up his hairline as he spots bruised blotches on his
neck and blurts, “are those hickies ?”

Jimin’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head and the youngest is pretty sure that he’s never seen
Taehyung move so quickly. Before he can blink, the blonde haired boy is in Jimin’s face and
pulling at the scarf that Jimin had wrapped around his neck in a lame attempt to hide the nebulas
scattered across his flesh.

“Hey!” he shouts. “Knock it off!”

“Did you and Yoongi hyung fuck?” Taehyung asks shamelessly.

And the answer is an obvious yes by the way Jimin’s face turns a bright shade of red that reaches
the tip of his ears. “N-no!”

Taehyung squeals in excitement. “Ohmygod, you totally did. You fucked him! Was it good? Is he a
bottom or top?”

“Top. There’s no way that hyung would bottom,” Jeongguk interjects.

“Did you suck his dick? Is it big? How was the walk of shame? Did-

“Stop!” Jimin looks like he’s about to pass out from embarrassment any minute now. “We are not
having this conversation.”

Taehyung grins at Jeongguk. “You owe me 50,000₩. I told you they would fuck.”

Jimin looks between the pair in disbelief. “You two betted on this? Fucking pricks.”

“Sorry hyung,” Jeongguk apologizes.

“Pay up,” Taehyung demands with an outstretched hand.

“How about I take you to dinner instead?”

Taehyung’s expression brightens at the suggestion. “A date?”

“Yeah, a date.”

“I guess that’s fine.”

Jeongguk smiles before boldly leaning forward to press a chaste kip against the corner of his
mouth. “I’ll text you,” he says with a wink before bidding a stunned Jimin goodbye.

“Okay, seriously. What the fuck did I miss?” he hears Jimin ask in a hushed whisper just as he
turns around the corner and disappears.

❃❃❃❃

“So, you and Jimin?” is the first thing that Jeongguk says when he returns to the messy frat house
and finds Yoongi buried underneath the covers, his newly dyed black hair sticking up haphazardly.

“Shut the fuck up,” comes Yoongi’s muffled response. “I’m too hungover for your shit right now.”

Jeongguk laughs, sitting himself at the edge of Yoongi’s bed and pulling down the blanket. “I’m
definitely glad I didn’t come home last night,” he teases as he eyes the nebulas scattered just under
his friend’s collarbone.
“Fuck. Off.” Yoongi attempts to rip the blanket out of Jeongguk’s grasp, but the boy won’t budge
and relentlessly begs the elder to take him out before he dies of starvation. “Go by yourself,”
Yoongi growls, resorting to turning around and ignoring him

“I’ll just die,” Jeongguk says with a sigh, “since you don’t care about me.”

Yoongi yanks the pillow out from under his head and catches the younger off guard with a smack
to the face. “Fine, I’ll go you asshole.”

Jeongguk contemplates throwing the pillow right back at Yoongi’s face, but decides against it
because he certainly does not want to die at the hands of his grumpy friend. Instead, he laughs as
Yoongi quite literally drags himself out of bed with a string of complaints and curses following him
as he heads for the bathroom.

Half an hour later they find themselves at a diner and Jeongguk practically shovels the waffles into
his mouth when the waiter brings their food out. Yoongi had simply ordered eggs and a coffee
because he could barely stomach anything with how shit his hangover was. Jeongguk is sure that
his friend’s blood is made out of caffeine when he gets to his third cup.

“Did you and Jimin really…?” Jeongguk trails off.

“We fucked,” Yoongi admits rather bluntly. “We were both drunk and it was messy, but it was
good. I think.”

“You think?” the younger inquires, absentmindedly picking at the hash browns that have surely
gone cold.

Yoongi shrugs. “It’s kind of fuzzy.”

Jeongguk snorts, “I thought you didn’t fuck your friends, hyung. Not only did you fuck a friend but
you don’t even really remember fucking them,” his condescending tone earns him a dirty look.

“Jimin’s nice,” Yoongi says. “And unlike you, I can actually admit when I like someone.”

It’s supposed to be an insult, but Jeongguk smiles in a way that is unnerving. “Oh, I like Taehyung,
alright. He’s pretty; real pretty.” He nibbles on Yoongi’s forgotten eggs. “Bet he’d look even better
on his knees for me. I like them best on their knees.”

Yoongi’s face hardens. “You’re gonna regret this, Guk. You won’t know you want him until
you’re about to lose him,” he says. “And then you’ll try and try to keep him. You’ll do your best
to convince him to stay. But he will have already stayed so long, and by this time, it will be too
late.”

Jeongguk pretends that there isn’t an uncomfortable pang in his chest at his words. “Nah,” he leans
back against the cushion of the booth they’re seated in. “I can’t lose something that was never mine
in the first place.”

“I don’t know what to do with you,” Yoongi says with a sigh as he cards his fingers through his
black hair.

“You don’t gotta do anything. Just watch me crash and burn,” Jeongguk jokes with a wryly smirk,
but it’s a statement that doesn’t seem too far from the truth. Because Jeongguk doesn't know how
long he can continue to race recklessly down the freeway going 100 mph before everything goes
wrong. But nothing was ever right for him in the first place, so why did it matter? Why did it
matter that he didn’t feel anything, when the few things that did manage to slip through the cracks
always equated to nothing but pain? Jeongguk had lead a lifetime of eating shit. He had lead a
lifetime of bruised knuckles connecting with the already blossoming browns and purples and faded
yellows of his cheekbone.

To Jeongguk, nothing really mattered. And he finally understood what scared Taehyung.

“No,” Yoongi says firmly. “I won’t let you destroy yourself this way.”

“But isn’t it already too late for that?”

“It’s never too late.”

Jeongguk doesn’t tell Yoongi that he thinks he’s a liar and the latter doesn’t push the subject in
return.

Jeongguk keeps his promise to Taehyung and they end up going on out for dinner a few days later.
But there is no professionally tailored suits or expensive champagne at some five star restaurant,
because this is the real world and in the real world Jeongguk and Taehyung are two college
students and not some millionaires living lives of luxury. They end up going out for barbeque,
which the younger nearly regrets because Taehyung is eager to suck his wallet dry. The food is
nice and their dynamic is no different than it was before, except this time when Jeongguk flirts, the
older boy actually flirts back.

Afterwards, they end up going to an arcade and Jeongguk obliterates Taehyung at air hockey,
mocking his poor reflexes.

“Whatever, I’m not a sport junkie like you frat boys,” Taehyung mumbles cynically with the slant
of his mouth. Jeongguk just laughs and calls him a sore loser and the blonde promises that
Jeongguk would be eating his words if they had been playing Mortal Kombat instead. It doesn’t
feel much like a date whenever their competitiveness isn’t too transparent and they begin hurling
curses and insults at each other.

But it’s nice. It’s nice and Jeongguk finds himself genuinely having fun and once again, he’s
reminded that around Taehyung, his laughter doesn’t feel so forced, neither the upturn of his lips.
Everything is supposed to be fake, but it doesn't when the way their hands brush and the romantic
gestures seem so legit. They seem too real and a part of Jeongguk wants to run away because he’s
having a hard time separating his fake feelings for Taehyung from reality.

None of this is real, his mind screams at him. He’ll just leave like the rest. And Jeongguk knows,
he knows that no one will ever want to stay. He knows that even by some marginalized chance that
he wanted to keep Taehyung, he will never amount to anything more than poison. Jeongguk knows
that even by some slim chance that the warmth in his heart is real, he isn’t right for Taehyung. He
isn’t right for anyone.

What if he finds out who you actually are?

The thought is terrifying.

Jeongguk is so enraptured in his own thoughts that he doesn’t even notice the ‘ GAME OVER’
flashing in red letters on the screen, but he does notice Taehyung leaning against one of the arcade
machines and staring at him.

“What are you staring at?” he asks with a raised brow.

“You.”

“Me?”

“You.” Taehyung smiles fondly in a way that holds too much emotion and Jeongguk has to look
away.

“There’s nothing to look at,” Jeongguk mutters as he slips another coin into the machine.

He can practically feel Taehyung rolling his eyes. “C’mon, we both know that’s a lie. Besides,” the
older boy moves towards him to slip his arms around Jeongguk’s waist and rest his head on top of
his shoulder, watching the low resolution spacecraft moving on the small screen, “I’m just having
a hard time believing that this is all real.”

It’s not.

“And why’s that?”

“Because,” the arms around his waist tighten, “you’re too good for someone like me.”

Jeongguk frowns just as his ship explodes and the same red letters flash across the screen once
again. He turns in Taehyung’s arms to take the tanned skin of his cheeks in between his fingers as
he pinches them. “What a stupid thing to say.”

“But it’s true ,” Taehyung whines. “Don’t pinch me, you jerk.”

“No, it’s not,” Jeongguk rebuts. “You’re amazing, Tae. To me, there is no one other than you.
You’re so fucking perfect. God , you really have no idea do you?”

Taehyung blinks in shock at the seriousness in Jeongguk’s voice and shakes his head. So Jeongguk
flattens his hands against his cheeks and pulls him in for a kiss. He doesn’t care that they’re not
alone or if people stare in disapproval. He doesn’t care for anything besides the feeling of
Taehyung’s soft lips against his. He doesn’t care that there is raw emotion behind this kiss because
all he can think is how he needs to let Taehyung know how perfect he truly is.

“If you kiss me like that again I’m not sure what I’ll do,” Taehyung says breathlessly when
Jeongguk finally releases him.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure that I’ll like it,” he responds with a cocky smirk, eyes following the
movement of Taehyung’s throat as he audibly gulps. “What?” he leans forward, breath hot against
Taehyung’s ear. “You’re looking kind of nervous, hyung.”

Taehyung tenses underneath him and Jeongguk can’t help but feel aroused at the power he has over
the older boy’s body. “I’m not,” he manages to grit out between clenched teeth.

Jeongguk chuckles darkly, pressing a kiss to Taehyung’s ear as he mumbles, “why don’t we head
back to your place?”

Taehyung seems to blanch at Jeongguk’s brazen innuendo and the latter pulls back to look at him,
afraid that he might have just said the wrong thing to scare the older boy off. But Taehyung, whose
cheeks are flushed a brilliant shade of faded pink, merely nods dumbly and stutters out, “y-yeah.
That’s fine.”

His heart speeds up as he laces their fingers together and tugs gently on Taehyung’s hand. “C’mon
then.”

The walk to Jeongguk’s old Mustang seems to take a lifetime, but when he finally turns the
ignition on and peels out of the parking lot onto the main road, there’s adrenaline rushing through
his veins and he can’t help but reach out to place a hand against Taehyung’s knee. The touch is
supposed to be innocent, a mere gesture of affection; but Jeongguk starts thinking about how good
the older boy would look on his knees for him and he can’t help but drag his hand up to rest on
Taehyung’s upper-inner thigh.

Taehyung seems to be trying to ignore it, eyes focused on the city lights flashing by outside of the
passenger window, and the thought of ugly dim yellow lights being more fascinating than
Jeongguk annoys him. So he begins to knead Taehyung’s thigh, hands moving up and down,
dangerously close to the tent that is beginning to stir in his pants.

“J-Jeongguk!” he gasps when Jeongguk boldly presses his palm against his crotch.

Jeongguk doesn’t look his way, eyes focused straight ahead as he begins to rub Taehyung through
his jeans. Taehyung squeaks and tells him that they should wait till they get to his apartment, but
at his protests, Jeongguk merely presses down harder, feeling the older boy growing stiffer as he
breathes heavily through his nose and tries to suppress any moans from slipping out by clamping
his mouth tightly shut.

Jeongguk smirked to himself as he dares to undo the button of Taehyung’s jeans before pulling his
hand away to spit on his palm and then reaching back out to slip inside the rough fabric and grab
the base of Taehyung’s cock. It isn’t long before he feels Taehyung rest a hand over his wrist,
fingers clamping down so hard that Jeongguk debates on whether or not it’ll bruise.

“Fuh-fuck, we really should-”

Jeongguk cuts him off with the flick of his wrist and a moan tumbles out of Taehyung’s mouth and
it’s sounds so fucking nice, so Jeongguk begins to stroke him with jerky movements of his hand. At
this point, the older boy begins to moan openly and Jeongguk can’t help but turn his head to spare
him a glance and- fuck , he really shouldn’t have done that. Taehyung’s pressed against the seat,
one hand moving up to grip Jeongguk’s forearm as if it’ll keep him grounded and the other
gripping the edge of the leather seat so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. His head is
lolling back against the headrest and he looks delirious through half lidded eyes and flames are
burning across his face for a reason that certainly isn’t a fever. And god , Jeongguk can feel
himself getting hard from just the sight. The thought is embarrassing because all he’s doing is
looking at Taehyung and yet, his body is responding far too eagerly.

“Fuck, baby,” Jeongguk groans. “You look so hot right now. Shit.”

“B-baby?” Taehyung moans out.

“Yeah,” Jeongguk says. He’s fairly sure that he’s ran a few red lights at this point. “You like that?”

“Yes, fuck. I love it.”

Jeongguk’s attention snaps back to the wheel just in time for him to swerve with a jerk back into
his lane. He laughs, and so does Taehyung, albeit much more breathlessly.

“I bet you’ll love it even more when I’m inside of you, baby.”

Taehyung keens when Jeongguk squeezes his cock and Jeongguk would love for nothing more
than for the older boy to come undone right there and then, but the tight confines of his jeans won’t
even allow him to swipe his thumb over Taehyung’s head and spread the precum that he knows is
there. All he can do is stroke him at an awkward angle and Jeongguk’s wrist is really starting to
hurt at this point. For now, Jeongguk can do nothing but tease Taehyung and try to ignore his own
half hard cock, but Taehyung’s mewls are sending him spiraling and he’s having a difficult time
coordinating through the neighborhoods to Taehyung’s apartment complex.

Taehyung whimpers at the loss when Jeongguk pulls his hand out to kill the engine, but they’re
both getting out of the car far too quickly and Jeongguk can’t even remember if he locked the
doors, but right now, he doesn’t care. Lust is clouding his mind and as soon as the elevator opens,
Taehyung is pushing him against the peeling plaster of the elevator wall and Jeongguk can’t help
but let out a grunt of surprise at the sudden outburst of dominance. Jeongguk was always used to
being in control and if anyone else had tried such a thing, he would be quick to put them in their
place, but at this point, he finds that everything Taehyung does is sexy and it makes him ache even
more.

Jeongguk manages to hit the button for the fourth floor as Taehyung leaves a wet trail of kisses
along his jawline and latches onto his neck. The sounds are wet and lewd and Jeongguk usually
isn’t one for hickies because they were a little too intimate for his liking, but he can’t help but want
Taehyung to mark him everywhere.

“Tae,” he rasps when the older boy nips at the sweet spot right under his ear. “S-shit Tae, that
feels-”

But then Taehyung is practically smouldering Jeongguk with his body and rutting against him and
any thought he had leaves him. “What’s wrong, Gukkie?” Taehyung coos. “You look like you’re
about to cum in your pants.”

Jeongguk growls just as the elevator dings and the doors slide open. He shoves Taehyung off of
him and out of the elevator and slams him harshly against the wall, not at all feeling sorry for the
way Taehyung’s head bounces off of the surface. His lips are immediately upon Taehyung’s. The
kiss is rough and ungraceful and he’s biting and licking at the older boy. Their teeth are clanging
together and it’s nothing like any of the kisses they'd shared before. No, this kiss is akin to molten
lava meeting the crashing waves of the sea and Taehyung is burning every inch of Jeongguk’s
being.

He’s not sure how long it takes to get to the door of Taehyung’s apartment, but there’s a lot of
pushing and pulling in the process and when Taehyung fumbles with his keys and manages to open
the door, they nearly fall to the ground giggling against each other’s lips- and fuck, it’s so cute and
sexy at the same time. Jeongguk’s not sure how that’s even possible but when it comes to
Taehyung, he isn’t too sure about anything anymore.
As soon as Jeongguk kicks the door closed behind him, Taehyung is pulling at his white t-shirt and
the younger lifts his arms up to allow him to yank it off. The shirt snags on his nose and Jeongguk
calls him a stupid asshole . It’s all so imperfect and clumsy with Taehyung falling over and
knocking a picture frame off of the wall in the hallway at one point as he struggles to shimmy out
of his jeans. There’s a lot of laughter and getting undressed has never been harder. It’s all unperfect
as fuck, but it makes Jeongguk’s heart swell and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“My shoelaces are tangled,” Jeongguk deadpans when they finally make it to the bedroom. The
blonde had tried to strip Jeongguk of his own jeans, only to realize that he still had his shoes on. So
now, the sophomore is standing in the middle of the room like an idiot with his pants around his
ankles and one shoe on.

Taehyung kneels down and begins to giggle as he attempts to undo Jeongguk’s tangled laces,
which is a lot easier said than done when his hands are shaking with anticipation. “Out of all-” he
stifles a snort. “Out of all the things to get in the way and makes things awkward, it’s your fucking
shoelaces. Nice one, Guk.”

“Shut the fuck up before I leave you with blue balls,” Jeongguk threatens.

“You wouldn’t do that,” Taehyung says rather confidently. “Besides,” he untangles the last knot
and practically rips the shoe off of his feet, “I think you’d much rather have me do this.” And then
he grips Jeongguk’s thighs and moves to place a kiss against the tent in his boxers.

“What are you doing?” Jeongguk hates the way his voice wavers.

Taehyung grins up at him like a child, mischief swimming in his eyes. “What does it look like I’m
doing?” He mouths teasingly at Jeongguk’s cock through his boxers, causing his breath to hitch
because fuck , Taehyung is sensual and confident and it only makes Jeongguk even harder than he
already is. Taehyung teases until the front of his boxers are damp, blowing and mouthing
torturously in a way that leaves the boy almost desperate with desire. When Taehyung is finally
satisfied with how flushed Jeongguk’s cheeks are and how uneven his breathing is, he pulls the
fabric down, allowing Jeongguk’s cock to spring out. The head is red and weeping, and this time
it’s Jeongguk’s turn to blush.

“Don’t get shy on me now,” Taehyung goads. “I’m only sucking your dick, babe.”

The endearment leaves Jeongguk’s face feeling hotter than ever as he fumbles for a response that
he can’t find. Taehyung smiles wickedly at his small victory before grabbing Jeongguk in his hand
and moving his slender fingers up to the head, causing the younger boy to hiss as he flicks his
thumb across the slit to spread the precum- and god, Jeongguk has never been so thankful for
Taehyung’s long fingers before.

“Your dick is so pretty,” Taehyung coos and Jeongguk doesn’t know why he feels slightly
embarrassed at the praise because he’s had dozens of girls in the same position, purring the same
words, but Taehyung is vexing in a way that leaves Jeongguk feeling light headed and entranced.

Taehyung begins to pump Jeongguk and there’s nothing slow or teasing about it. He seems to be
just as eager to get to the main course as he slicks Jeongguk up, licking a stripe from the base to the
tip- and fuck, when Taehyung finally begins to take the younger into his mouth, Jeongguk loses
himself. His mind goes blank and he doesn’t recognize the sounds coming from his swollen lips as
his own because Jeongguk doesn’t moan like this for anyone, but Taehyung’s mouth felt like
heaven and no other girl he fucked could compare. Taehyung’s mouth is hot and so wet in a way
that has Jeongguk’s legs nearly buckling and collapsing into a heap of jelly. He swirls his tongue
and hollows his cheeks, slurping with a lewd moan as he attempts to relax his jaw and take more of
Jeongguk’s length in. Jeongguk wasn’t exactly sure what Taehyung was doing with his mouth. His
ears were stuffed with cotton at this point and it took all of his willpower for his eyes to not roll
into the back of his head. It felt amazing and Jeongguk didn’t want him to stop; except he had to.

He wanted Taehyung to choke on him until his throat burned. He wanted the Taehyung to look
absolutely fucking wrecked with snot and tears streaming down his face. Jeongguk wanted to fuck
so deeply into his mouth and have his hot and sticky cum shoot all the way-

“T-Tae, wait. Shit.” Jeongguk runs his fingers through his blonde hair and yanks Taehyung’s head
back more harshly than he intended, an apology at the tip of his tongue, but then Taehyung is
whimpering at the action and Jeongguk is dumbfounded. He simply stares down at the older boy
for a minute, fingers still gripping a fistful of hair as Taehyung stares up at him with glazed eyes,
lips slick with spit and drool smeared messily across his chin. “I don’t know what to do with you,
you kinky bastard,” Jeongguk says in exasperation.

Taehyung merely cocks his head. “Do whatever you want with me, Gukkie.”

Jeongguk darts his tongue out to swipe across his bottom lip, silent for a moment of contemplation
because god , there’s a million ways that he could make the man on his knees break underneath his
bruising grip. There were so many ways that Jeongguk could degrade him and make him into a
cock slut like he had done to so many others. And yeah, Taehyung would probably enjoy that more
than anything and Jeongguk isn’t one for soft touches and fluttering kisses, but Kim Taehyung is
beautiful in a way that makes Jeongguk want to do nothing more than worship his body.

So he untangles his fingers and traces down Taehyung’s jawline to rest his pointer finger
underneath his chin and guide him up before leading him to the bed. “Fuck,” Jeongguk says with a
shaky laugh, unease settling into the pit of his stomach as he climbs on top of Taehyung’s
significantly slimmer figure. “You have no clue what I want to do to you.”

Taehyung pulls him down until their foreheads are touching, closing his eyes with a soft smile
gracing his glowing features. “I trust you,” he says. The words hitting Jeongguk’s flushed cheeks
in warm puffs of air. “I know that you wouldn’t hurt me.”

Jeongguk freezes. He feels paralyzed and he’s not sure if he’s even breathing. I trust you. It’s a
phrase he’s heard from countless lovers. It’s a concept he’s always scoffed at and ridiculed, but
hearing them fall from Taehyung’s swollen lips leaves an ugly feeling branded into his heart and
Jeongguk almost wants to rip himself out of Taehyung’s arms and leave. He wants to tell the gentle
boy with soft eyes and a boxy smile not to trust him. He wants to rip himself apart to expose the
monster that he truly is.

But instead, he presses their lips together and tries to kiss the guilt away. Jeongguk kisses him
hungrily like he’d been craving the older boy’s lips for days, coming out for oxygen for just a
millisecond, just for him to pull Taehyung closer and kiss him more, as if he’s trying to convey
something that he cannot with his words.

He tells Taehyung how beautiful and amazing he is as he places butterfly kisses against his skin
and leaves clusters of galaxies in his wake. He tells Taehyung that he’s perfect when he leaves a
trail of shooting stars on the upturned curve of his jaw, moving down to the hollow point where his
throat meets his body, to latch onto one of his nipples and nibble gently, eliciting a cry from the
older boy as he reaches down to pump languidly at Taehyung’s cock.
“Where’s the lube?” Jeongguk’s at his navel now, kissing just below the belly button, tongue
catching the salty sweat from his happy trail.

Taehyung flips himself onto his stomach and quite literally wiggles himself to reach for the end
table beside the bed. He opens the drawer to fish around for lube and Jeongguk takes the
momentary distraction to appreciate Taehyung’s butt. He kneads at the soft flesh and makes sure to
leave a generous amount of hickies.

“Ow!” the older boy exclaims, swatting at Jeongguk when he decides to take the skin in between
his teeth. “Jeon Jeongguk, did you just bite my ass?”

Jeongguk laughs as Taehyung looks back at him with an incredulous expression. “I’m only
marking what’s mine,” he says as Taehyung hands the lube to him with a pout that Jeongguk finds
ridiculously cute.

“Strawberry?” Jeongguk looks amused but doesn’t question it any further because it’s Taehyung,
and the older boy is unconventional and strange.

He flips Taehyung over, going back to mutters and sighs of affections against the insides of
Taehyung’s thighs. “Are you sure that you know what you’re doing?” Taehyung asks with an
arched brow as he props himself up on his elbows. “I mean, you were a straight frat boy until a few
days ago, so…”

Jeongguk fumbles with his words before he finally mutters, “I-I’ve watched gay porn before, so I
have a general idea of how it goes. Just- just tell me if I’m hurting you, ‘kay?” the response is
stupid and naive and Jeongguk feels the tips of his ears burning.

Taehyung stares at him for a moment, lips pursed into a thin line before his face splits into a grin
and he throws his upper half rather dramatically back onto the sheets. “You’re so fucking cute,” he
says. “It should be illegal.”

“I’m not cute,” Jeongguk huffs as he squeezes a generous amount of the strawberry flavored lube
onto his hand and lets it warm before teasing at Taehyung’s entrance. Taehyung whines and
attempts to press himself down onto Jeongguk’s fingers, who merely chuckles affectionately and
says “patience, baby” before sliding a finger and stretching him enough to fit a second. Taehyung
is tight around his digits and although Jeongguk is no stranger to anal, he admittedly was always
too drunk or high for prepping any girl he fucked. It was always a process of putting a shit ton of
lube on his dick and getting in and out as fast as possible. Hit it and quit it as Hoseok liked to say.

”Shit,” Taehyung breathes out, hips gyrating in a desperate attempt to feel more.

“You take my fingers so well, baby,” Jeongguk praises as he finally slips the second finger in. And
fuck, Taehyung looks so breathtaking with his head thrown back against the sheets, hooded eyes
delirious with pleasure and eyebrows furrowed, his breath coming out in erratic pants. Jeongguk
curls his fingers up in a way that makes the older boy’s dick twitch, precum beading at the tip.
Taehyung whimpers as the younger removes his finger with a devious smirk, his hole clenching in
desperate need. Jeongguk rubs at the pulsing ring of muscle with his thumb before pushing a finger
back in once more and this time when he puts his second finger in again, he meets little resistance.
Taehyung keels as Jeongguk scissors and stretches him enough to fit a third finger and it’s a few
more minutes of awkward fumbling before Jeongguk finally presses against his prostate.
“A-ah, right there. Fuck. Right there, Guk.”

“You like that?” Jeongguk asks as he continues to stretch him open, confidence growing with each
pleasurable noise falling from the older boy’s mouth. “You like when I touch you like this?”

“Y-yes, oh god,” Taehyung cries. “I need you inside- I need you inside of me Jeongguk. Please .”
He’s visibly shaking by the time Jeongguk finds a rhythm, rubbing slow and teasing circles against
Taehyung’s prostate, thumb pressing against his perineum. Jeongguk’s half tempted to make him
cum right there and then, but he knows better.

“You’re so sensitive, baby,” Jeongguk coos as he gives one last hard thrust that elicits a rather loud
moan from the pliant body underneath him. He finally decides to relent, pulling his fingers out
because Taehyung is so needy in a way that goes straight to Jeongguk’s dick. He reaches for the
condom that Taehyung takes from the bedside table and practically throws at him. “You really
want my cock that badly, huh?” he teases, ripping the wrapper with his teeth and rolling the
lubricated condom onto his length.

“I- I want it. I want it so badly- ngh- Jeongguk”

The shameless desperation in Taehyung’s voice makes his cock twitch. “Shit, Tae. You can’t just
say things like that. You’re driving me crazy.”

Taehyung let’s out a breathless laugh. “I’m sorry, would you prefer me to say that I want you to
fuck me into the bed until I’m screaming your name?”

Jeongguk growls, pressing a bruising kiss to Taehyung’s lips as he positions himself between his
legs and spreads them wide. “Oh, I’ll have you crying and begging for me to let you cum, baby .”

“Try me, sweetheart.”

It’s becoming another competition of some sorts, but just when Jeongguk is about to push himself
in, he pauses and Taehyung is quick to ask him if he’s doing something wrong. “No, no,”
Jeongguk says quickly before hesitating on his next words. “It’s just...are you sure that you want
this?” He doesn’t know what’s come over him because to Jeon Jeongguk this is supposed to be just
sex. It’s supposed to be a temporary fix to the chasm of emptiness in his heart, but he’s not high or
drunk and his head is swimming with the taste of Taehyung and the smell of his sweat and
suddenly, this doesn’t feel like just sex. “Are you sure we aren’t moving too fast?” Now he’s just
sounding like an insecure piece of shit.

Jeongguk thought that he was untouchable like a god, but underneath Taehyung’s burning gaze and
passionate touches, he’s quickly discovering that he’s a lot more tangible than he’d like to be and
that scares him.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure of anything before in my life,” Taehyung admits

Jeongguk swallows, “really?”

He nods, “yeah, really- other than falling for you, that is.”

Jeongguk calls him cheesy, but he knows he’s fucked up. He knows that somewhere along the line
of separating his emotions from his relationship with Taehyung he misstepped and at some point,
Taehyung had become more than just a game. He’s fucked up and it scares him and he doesn’t
know how to fix it; or even if he wants to.

At any other moment of realization, Jeongguk would have been sent spiraling into another panic
attack that made him fucking weak, but right now he’s with Taehyung and nothing else matters
besides the boy sprawled out underneath him, moans falling from his parted lips as Jeongguk
pushes into him and allows the older boy to adjust to his size. Jeongguk hates loud and Taehyung
is loud as he begins to thrust into him, but it’s the type of loudness that has the pleasure coiling
inside the pit of his stomach far too quickly. It’s the kind of wanton cries that make Jeongguk pump
in and out of him almost desperately. Taehyung is tight. He’s so tight and it feels so good.
Jeongguk can’t help the haze that overcomes him and he feels like a fucking virgin again. It takes
awhile before he finds Taehyung’s prostate, but when he does, he’s urged on by Taehyung’s loud
cries, moving faster as Taehyung whines for him to go harder until his thighs are burning. When
Taehyung whimpers Jeongguk’s name over and over again like some mantra, it sounds so delicious
and he wants nothing but to hear more because Taehyung pronounces his name like a fucking
firework.

“Fuh-fuck!” Taehyung curses breathlessly. “I’m gonna- ah -”

“Are you gonna cum, babe? You like my cock that much?”

“Yes. Yes . It feels so good, Gukkie. It feels so fuh-fucking good. I love your c-cock.”

“Then come for me,” Jeongguk says as he grabs Taehyung’s cock and begins to stroke him with
jerky movements. “Come for me, baby.” He can the pressure building up and his balls squeezing
tight, and fuck, Jeongguk isn’t going to last much longer either. It only takes a few more strokes
before Taehyung is clenching hard around him, crying out Jeongguk’s name as he shoots his load
to splatter onto his chest and Jeongguk’s hand. And fuck, Taehyung looks so beautiful coming
undone like that; like the shush of sweaty skin pressed against satin sheets.

The younger boy follows soon after, and when Jeongguk cums- he cums hard. His hips stutter as a
strangled moan ripples through his chest and out of his throat. There’s a flash of hot white as he
fills up the condom and rides himself through his high before collapsing on top of Taehyung, not
caring if he’s smearing cum.

They don’t move for a good while, their heavy panting filling the silence of 10p.m. They don’t
move until Taehyung finally says, “okay, laying in my own cum is gross” and Jeongguk laughs
breathlessly before pulling out and exiting the room momentarily to fetch a washcloth from the
bathroom and dispose of the condom.

Jeongguk’s silent while he cleans Taehyung up. Gently wiping the stickiness from his abdomen
before sliding down in between his thighs. “That was nice,” he says, and Jeongguk merely hums in
response. He throws the dirty cloth in the laundry basket before laying back down next to
Taehyung, who snuggles up to him and lays his head on Jeongguk’s naked chest.

Jeongguk doesn’t want to say anything. Not when Taehyung traces imaginary patterns into his
sweaty skin and places a loving kiss onto his collar bone. He doesn’t want to speak because now
there’s no haze of lust to cloud his thoughts.

“I can’t believe we waited that long to do that,” Taehyung says with a giggle.

“Yeah,” Jeongguk tries to put as much enthusiasm in voice as he can, but his response comes out
flatter than intended. “Neither can I.” He knows that Taehyung won’t understand the underlying
meaning underneath his words.

The great Jeon Jeongguk has royally fucked up.

Jeongguk is stuck with the crushing reality of how much he’s fucked up because that was not just a
meaningless fuck and he hates himself. He hates himself so much because he actually likes
Taehyung and he doesn't know how to handle real feelings. He doesn’t know how to handle
emotions that don’t center around the suffering of others and he doesn’t know how to love anyone.

Jeongguk can’t even love himself.

The panic begins to build and he feels like throwing up and fuck, Jeongguk could really use a line
or three right now but he doesn’t have any on him. Maybe throwing himself off of Mapo Bridge is
the best option right now. Maybe cutting his wrists open to show Taehyung how ugly he is, is the
right thing to do. Maybe getting hit by a vehicle (preferably a semi to ensure the likelihood of
death) is what he should do when he leaves. Anything is better than this. Anything is better than
having to face his reality, because Jeongguk is messed up and Taehyung is so fucking pure and too
good for him and Jeongguk has just tainted him. Right now, he’d rather be in the morgue because
the anxiety is squeezing his chest and oh god -

“Jeongguk?” it’s Taehyung’s voice that grounds him back to reality.

The younger blinks, “huh?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he lies. “Why?”

Taehyung peers up at him, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. “It’s just… you haven’t said
much, and I...I wanna make sure that this meant as much to you as it did to me.”

“I-” Jeongguk’s tongue feels like sandpaper. “It did.”

And that was a problem.

“ So,” Taehyung drawls. “We’re a couple...right?”

And Jeongguk actually laughs at this. He laughs and it reverberates throughout his entire being and
this is all ridiculous and confusing because while Jeongguk is amidst an internal crisis, Taehyung
still finds a way to be so god damn endearing that it physically hurts.

“I confessed, we went on a date and then we had bomb sex, but you’re still asking that?”

A blush tints Taehyung’s cheeks and he looks bashful. “I-I just wanted to make sure.”

“Yeah, we’re together and my boyfriend is totally a hopeless loser,” Jeongguk taunts.

Taehyung beams at this and Jeongguk is a hundred percent sure that the boy in his arms is the sun,
because there’s no way that it’s possible for a human being to shine the way he does. There’s no
way that it’s possible for a human to affect him in the way that Taehyung does.

And in this moment, Jeongguk wishes that he wasn’t born a monster. Jeongguk wishes that he
 deserved Kim Taehyung.

Chapter End Notes

I apologize if the smut in this was cringe or had a lot of inaccuracies. This was my first
time ever writing gay smut and I, myself do not have a penis. I thoroughly studied on
Pornhub for an hour if that counts for anything. Please don't forget to leave a kudo and
drop a comment as well. Feedback is appreciated :)
 Half Truth's
Chapter Summary

It's not a lie until you get caught.

Chapter Notes

I highly suggest listening to this playlist while reading through this chapter

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Jeongguk is very hot, and apparently not very straight.

And by some miracle, he’s also Taehyung’s boyfriend: a concept that Taehyung himself is still
trying to wrap his head around. Jeongguk, who Taehyung has spent the better part of three months
crushing on, actually likes him back. Jeongguk, who Taehyung had spent three months fantasizing
about, actually fucked him.

The older boy was admittedly a little freaked out when Jeongguk had confessed to him- scratch
that, he was a little bit more than freaked out. Jimin had assured his friend that Jeongguk was
genuine after Jeongguk had left that morning and had said, “you should have seen him when he
told me, Taetae. He really talked about you like you were all the stars in the sky or some shit. It
was cute.”

And Taehyung had felt so stupid for doubting Jeongguk’s feelings for him, because the boy was
kind yet enigmatic in a way that made Taehyung hesitate. Jeongguk was the kind of person who’d
only let you read the first page before tearing the rest out at the seams when you tried to turn the
pages. Jeongguk was the kind of person who put a period to any inquiries about himself past the
basics: favorite color, hobbies, aspirations for the future. And sometimes, the Taehyung was afraid
that Jeongguk was the kind of person who walked into his life just to shake his pond and then
leave.

“Christmas break is coming up soon,” Taehyung voiced on a late Saturday evening as he and
Jeongguk lounged in the living room of his apartment, the younger laying across the couch with
Taehyung splayed out on top of him. They had spent the better part of the day binge watching all
of the Batman movies and lulling in and out of light naps. The hellish week of final exams started
the following Monday and the couple had buried themselves in textbooks and projects, which
turned Taehyung into a near zombie. Jeongguk seemed to have more work as a business major and
Taehyung couldn’t understand how the younger managed to keep himself so composed.

Jeongguk hums in response, dark eyes intensely focused on the Joker’s fucked up ultimatum:
forcing Bruce Wayne to choose between saving the lives of hundreds of people or saving the life of
his lover. Taehyung had asked his Jeongguk who he would choose if he were Batman, to which he
responded with, “I would let the world burn for you.” It was supposed to be a joke, but Taehyung
can’t help but feel as if Jeongguk had taken the question too seriously.

“How long will you be going home for?” Taehyung asks, absentmindedly tracing patterns on the
back of his lover’s hand.

“I’m not going home,” he says cooly.

This time, Taehyung looks up at him, chin perched atop his chest. “Why?

Jeongguk is still staring at the screen. “‘Cos there’s no reason for me to go.”

Taehyung gives him a dubious look. “What do you mean there’s no reason? Don’t you want to see
your family?”

It’s a moment before Jeongguk responds, but when he finally turns his head to Taehyung, his
expression is unreadable. “My parents are really busy,” he says. “We usually celebrate holiday’s
later than usual because they’re often in different countries for work.”

Taehyung knows that Jeongguk’s answer is reasonable, but it all sounds so rehearsed, as if a story
that he’s told a million times. He can’t help but feel as if the younger is keeping secrets.

“But they’ll still call, right? To wish you Merry Christmas and all?” all of Taehyung’s friends
complain about their parents at one point or another and Jimin’s mom calls every week. Taehyung
has never seen Jeongguk receive a call from neither his mom or dad, nor does he ever speak of
them. On one hand, Taehyung could just be over analyzing everything, but on the other, he’s spent
most of his time hanging around Jeongguk since they met three months ago.

Jeongguk purses his lips at the question. “Maybe,” he says. And then he’s turning back to the T.V.
putting ‘The End ’ in between the letters of a paragraph and burning the middle and end with words
that will forever be left unsaid.
And Taehyung is frustrated, because this is a game of push and pull that has been going on long
before they started dating three weeks ago. “Jeongguk,” he starts, “you know that if something’s
on your mind you can tell me, right? You’re doing a crazy amount of work for the end of the
semester and I know that not being able to see your family must be upsetting.”

Jeongguk smiles. “I’m fine, Tae.” The older boy narrows his eyes skeptically. “Really, I am. But
thanks for worrying about me. It really means a lot.” He then leans up to place a kiss against
Taehyung’s hair and the latter sighs into the gesture.

“You know, if you want to come home with me for the holiday, you can. My parents aren’t
homophobic or anything and I know that my mom would love you.”

Jeongguk seems to withdraw into himself at the suggestion. He frowns. “I don’t think that’s a good
idea.”

He sits up. “But why? You’re my boyfriend?”

“Look, Taehyung…”

“If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of being out of the closet or meeting my parents as my
boyfriend so soon, that’s fine. I get it. I’ll tell them that you’re just a friend.”

“ Taehyung ,” Jeongguk says his name more firmly this time and the older boy snaps his mouth
shut. Jeongguk sighs wearily. “I really appreciate the offer. I do. But...can- can we just do this next
time, please?”

“But why?” he questions haughtily. Taehyung knows that he’s being bratty and unreasonable. He
knows that getting upset over such a simple matter is absurd. He knows that Jeongguk is patient
and kind and considerate, but he can’t help but feel as if Jeongguk doesn’t trust him and it stings.
He can’t help but feel that there’s something that Yoongi knows about that he doesn’t have the
priviledge to know and it gets under his skin. It’s not the fact that Jeongguk won’t tell him that
bothers Taehyung; it’s the fact that Jeongguk denies everything. There’s no “I’ll tell you when I’m
ready” or, “I don’t feel well today so I really don’t want to talk about it.” Jeongguk just smiles and
tries to convince Taehyung that everything is fine and it pisses him off.

“Tae, I’m tired,” Jeongguk says. He doesn’t even look angry at the older boy’s attitude, just weary.
But it’s not the kind of weariness from the stress and responsibility of being a college student slash
frat boy. It’s the kind of weariness of the soul that he sees reflected in his lover. It’s a tiredness that
he doesn’t understand; akin to that look Jeongguk gets on his face when he thinks that no one is
looking that Taehyung still can’t quite decipher- he doesn’t know if he wants the answer.

So he drops the subject with an apology and lays back down to cuddle with Jeongguk and the two
spend the rest of their day lounging around his apartment.

But the feeling still burns in the pit of Taehyung’s stomach and the very next day he finds himself
studying in the school library with Jimin and Yoongi, complaining about the very thing that he had
told himself to let go of. He blames Jimin though, since he was the one who inquired about the
couple and asked how things were going.

“They’re great,” Taehyung says, “more than great, actually. Jeongguk is nice; real nice.”

“Buuuut…?” Jimin drawls with a raised brow.

Taehyung sighs, “it’s just, sometimes I feel like he doesn’t trust me.”

Yoongi snorts. “Why wouldn’t he trust you? He doesn’t ever shut the fuck up about you.”

“Really?” Taehyung pretends that he’s not flattered.

The elder grimaces. “I wish it wasn’t true. It’s gross.”

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “ Please , hyung. As if you ever shut up about Jimin.”

Yoongi looks ready to reach across the table and throttle him and Jimin blushes. “Why you little
fucker. I oughta-”

“What’s going on here?” Taehyung silently sends up a prayer as Namjoon suddenly appears just in
time to prevent his premature death. He throws his backpack carelessly on the table before pulling
out a chair and dropping himself into it and Yoongi makes a snide remark about the frat president
breaking the chair.
“Hey, hyung!” Jimin greets amicably. “Taetae here was just talking about how he doesn’t think
that Jeongguk trusts him.”

Taehyung glares at his best friend. Way to spill the tea, asshole. But Jimin just gives him a cheeky
smile.

“Why?” Namjoon asks.

Taehyung bites his tongue, debating whether he should divulge his insecurities or not. But then he
remembers that Jimin is basically his brother, Yoongi will be graduating with a bachelor’s degree
in Psychology at the end of the school year, and Namjoon is the most philosophical bastard he’s
ever met and Taehyung knows that he’s with the right people.

“I dunno,” Taehyung starts with a sigh. “Like I said, things are great. Jeongguk’s great. We never
fight or anything-”

“You don’t have to fight to have problems,” Namjoon points out. “Sometimes the biggest obstacles
in relationships that couples struggle to overcome is what isn’t being said.”

Taehyung nods. “I know, I know. It’s just...sometimes I feel like Jeongguk doesn’t tell me
anything.”

“Tell you what?” Jimin asks.

“Anything. Everything.” He let’s out another sigh. “Sometimes he acts kind of standoff-ish and I
know that something’s wrong but he won’t tell me. He just smiles and tries to convince me that
everything is fine and dandy when I know that something is bothering him.”

“No offense, but Jeongguk doesn’t seem like the type to talk about his feelings,” Namjoon says. “I
think he’s the kind of guy you gotta be patient with.”

Jimin looks surprised. “Really? I always got the complete opposite vibe from him. It didn’t take
much prodding to get him to tell me about his feelings for Taehyung. You should have seen him,
hyung. He was all shy and embarrassed.”
Namjoon snorts. “Are we talking about the same Jeon Jeongguk here? He’s emotionally
constipated when it comes to that deep feely shit.”

“Maybe he just likes me more, hyung.”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything, but Taehyung notices how uncomfortable he looks.

“I try to be patient and understanding and all of that shit,” Taehyung persists. “I really do. But I
can’t even talk to him about anything as simple as family without him shutting down on me.
Yesterday, I asked him if he was going home for the holiday and he said no because his parents
were busy or something. So I was like yeah, okay, whatever, do you wanna come home with me?
And he seemed super against it, so I’ll admit I got a little pissed.” Jimin’s opening his mouth, but
Taehyung is quick to say what his friend is thinking. “And I know that he could have some family
issues that he’s not telling me about or problems with his sexuality or whatever, but sometimes I
get really worried, y’know? Sometimes I feel like he’s keeping something from me that I should
know about.”

Jimin frowns. “I’m sure you’re just overthinking it, but do you know anything, Yoongi hyung?
You’re the one who’s known Jeongguk the longest.”

Yoongi’s expression is blank, but the elder is someone who is good at controlling his emotions
(something that was required of his major) and Taehyung watches him closely, analyzing every
movement, every breath- anything that’ll give away that he’s lying about something.

“I didn’t know Jeongguk before his freshman year. And yeah, I guess we’re close, but he doesn’t
tell me much,” he admits. “He didn’t go anywhere last winter break either, so I ended my trip back
home early ‘cos I hated the idea of him being alone. I dunno,” Yoongi shrugs, “he just gets kinda
weird around this time of year. There’s nothing you can really do but wait for him to open up or let
it pass, kid. Sorry.”

Taehyung visibly deflates at his answer. “But...is he okay? In the head, y’know?”

He notices the way Yoongi falters before he nods his head and says, “he’s fine. He just misses his
family is all. I know that he’s pretty close with his dad.”

The elder is good at lying and Taehyung almost believes him, but when he sees Namjoon’s eyes
flickering disapprovingly to Yoongi’s with hidden knowledge, he knows that something is wrong.

Taehyung tries to drop the issue, he really does. His friends had all advised him to simply wait and
be patient with his lover, but patience is Jeongguk’s forte and not Taehyung’s. Still, he’s stupidly
head over heels with the boy and any and every doubt is erased as soon as their lips meet. And
when Jeongguk isn’t distracting him with his his mouth on Taehyung’s own or his dick (sometimes
his asshole) he’s drilling him into the bed and god Jeongguk is a fast learner. Taehyung would
never admit it, but sex with Jeongguk was the best he’s had in a long time and boy had he been in
for a surprise.

“I never pegged you for a sex addict,” Taehyung had teased, to which Jeongguk had replied
cheesily with “it’s hard to not be when you’re so goddamn irresistible, baby.”

Things were going smooth and Taehyung hadn’t been this happy since he’d finally graduated from
his hell called high school. If Taehyung thought that leaving his years of teenage angst behind was
amazing, then being with Jeongguk was a whole new experience in itself.

Jeongguk was kind and gentle, but rough in the right ways. When Taehyung would go into one of
his many trivial and rather vexatious tangents, the younger boy would cock his head to the side and
nod thoughtfully; humming in agreement, never calling his boyfriend’s complaints silly. He’d
never sigh in obvious boredom or express disinterest. “Sorry, I’m talking too much aren’t I?”
Taehyung would apologize in timidity when Jeongguk’s eyes began to droop lethargically, to
which the latter would smile tiredly and say, “No, I like hearing your voice. Keep talking.” When
Taehyung was with Jeongguk, it was like his feelings actually mattered.

He didn’t know when it happened, but at some point Jeongguk had become so intertwined with his
life that a day without him was like a day without air, and Taehyung hated it. He hated how clingy
he had become because falling too fast and too hard was one way to get hurt. But Jeongguk made it
hard with his messy hair in the morning that reminded Taehyung of a windswept forest after it
rained. It was the way they’d wake up in bed together on weekdays for the 7a.m. light to caress
Jeongguk’s features and make his irises shine like the sun reflected off of a bottle of whiskey.

Jeongguk wasn’t breathtaking like cherry blossoms or a perfect polaroid picture- or maybe he was,
but Taehyung was too simplistic because he found Jeongguk to be breathtaking in the way he
would kiss Taehyung like all of the galaxies were contained inside of him. Jeongguk was
breathtaking in the way he called him baby and played with Taehyung’s hair when they cuddled. It
was all so simple and there was nothing poetic about it, but Jeongguk was breathtaking in a way
that made Taehyung call him his .

So sue him for being happy.

It’s Wednesday and Taehyung is all but ready to collapse in relief because there’s only two more
days before break starts and he can finally go home to visit his family. He’s at favored coffee shop
with Jimin for lunch because it’s negative a million degrees outside and neither of them wanted to
freeze to death. Apparently every other student from their university had thought the same. The
place was nearly over crowded so Jimin had gone to save them a seat, leaving Taehyung to take
care of the drinks.

“A tall vanilla latte and a medium hazelnut hot chocolate please,” Taehyung informs the cashier
after waiting in line for an aggravating amount of time. The cashier is quick to give him his total
and when Taehyung’s done paying, he moves down to the pick-up side of the counter.

He waits, silently mulling as his long fingers tap against the marble surface.

“Are you Taehyung?” a feminine voice pulls Taehyung out of whatever reverie he had been in.

He blinks. The girl that approached him is a pretty brunette with round eyes and pouty lips and
Taehyung thinks that he’d probably fuck her if he wasn’t Gay As Fuck. “Yeah?” he responds a
little skeptically.

“I’m not here to hit on you, I swear,” she says with a rather pleasant laugh.

Taehyung straightens himself out. “No, no. I wasn’t thinking anything like that.” He smiles
bashfully. “It’s just that I’m not used to people approaching me.”

“I’m sorry if I caught you completely off guard,” she retracts and Taehyung assures her that it’s
fine. “It’s just that I heard that Jeongguk got himself a boyfriend and you looked exactly like the
guy from his Snapchat story- and god it would have been so embarrassing if you weren’t him.”

She’s rambling and Taehyung grins at her. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“I’m sorry if I’m being really intrusive-

“It’s okay,” he cuts her off. “I get it. The campus heartthrob being not so straight kind of surprised
everyone because- well, y’know.”
“Jeongguk doesn’t seem very gay?”

Taehyung snorts, “yeah. Something like that.” The brunette introduces herself as Ana and
Taehyung says, “I feel like I’ve heard that name somewhere before.”

She looks a little nervous. “Uh, yeah. I’m Jeongguk’s ex- the last one that is.”

He wets his lips, trying to ignore the jealousy he feels creeping underneath his skin because this is
Jeongguk’s ex and not his girlfriend, but Taehyung is insecure and frivolous when it comes to the
raven-haired boy and Ana looks like she belongs on the front cover of a fashion magazine, and he
briefly he wonders if all of Jeongguk’s exes were as pretty as the one before him. “Oh. Sorry.”

Ana shakes her head, “there’s nothing to be sorry for. You’ve done nothing to me, Taehyung. It’s
just,” she hesitates, “how are you?”

“I’m doing great.” The conversation is awkward and slightly forced, but Ana seems nice and
Taehyung isn’t douchebag enough to roll his eyes at her and walk away.

“No,” once again she’s shaking her head. “I mean, like, how are you ?”

Taehyung blinks. “I don’t think I quite understand what you’re getting at.”

“He-” she’s chewing on the inside of her cheek and suddenly he feels rather unsettled. “He hasn’t
done anything shady?”

“Uh, no?” his baritone voice takes on a tone of hostility and Ana is quick to try and rescind the
boiling tension.

“Look, I’m not saying this cause I want to hurt you,” she starts off rather gingerly, and Taehyung
braces himself, because no one says that unless they’re about to hurt you. “But Jeongguk isn’t who
you think he is.”
“What do you mean?” the question is supposed to come off with defensive malice, but the words
whistle out from between clenched teeth rather shakily.

“He’s a great boyfriend, yeah?”

“He is.”

But with Ana leaning casually against the counter telling him that Jeongguk is not the perfect guy
that he thinks he is, Taehyung isn’t so sure. Ana looks at him in a way that isn’t petty
possessiveness and that scares him. “And you think you’ve got him all figured out, right? You
think he’s this amazingly loyal guy who puts you before himself, but he’s not.”

He swallows. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you and Jeongguk but I really don’t
care. It’s not any of my business,” Taehyung says, tapping his foot rather impatiently and avoiding
eye contact because where the fuck are his drinks?

“Is it?” Ana asks with an arched brow. “I’m not saying this because I want him back. Because
frankly, I never want to see him again.” At this, she chuckles rather bitterly. “I’m just saying this as
decent human being that doesn’t want to see anyone else hurt by the same person, Taehyung; don’t
fall for someone like Jeon Jeongguk.”

Taehyung wants to tell Ana to fuck off. He wants to call her a jealous cunt like any other sane
boyfriend would and storm off, and maybe Jimin would give her a flippant earful as well. But most
of all, he wants Ana to act like the scheming psycho ex that she’s supposed to be. But she’s not.
She’s nice and looks at Taehyung like a human and not competition or a pest that stands in her way
of having Jeongguk. Yeah, he really should walk away right about now but instead he’s asking “
why?” in one breath.

Ana smiles pitifully at him and Taehyung hates it, but not as much as the words that soon follow.
“He’ll take you to amusement parks and call you beautiful, and he’ll look at you like you’re his
entire world. He’ll plant his roots so deeply into your life and leave his fingerprints on everything
so that you can never go back to the way things were before you met him. He won’t leave when
you won’t put out anymore. He won’t leave the first time you say ‘I love you.’ No, he won’t leave
until he has his name carved into the spaces between your ribs, and that’s when you’ll finally
realize why storms are named after people.”

Taehyung is glad that one of the baristas sets the two drinks down on the counter just in time,
giving him an excuse to leave because her words are macabre and turn his blood into needles and it
kind of stings. He smiles tightly at her. “Listen, sweetheart: I don’t know what you’re playing at
here, but I’ve seen enough k-drama’s to know where this is going and I’m not going to be the
dumbass lead who believes everything that the evil witch of an ex tells him.”

Ana frowns, a sigh escaping between her glossed lips as if she had expected no less. “Do what you
want, but-” she fishes around her purse for a pen before taking a napkin and writing something
down, shoving it into Taehyung’s pocket before he has the opportunity to protest “-here’s my
number. I know that you don’t believe me now, but I hope you do before it’s too late.” Her hands
are shaking when she pulls back. “I hope you leave him before you find him pressing promises into
skin that is not your own.” She gives him a pleading look. “You’re lovely, Taehyung. You really
are. But not enough for him to stay. I’ll see you around, yeah?”

And then she’s saying goodbye, weaving in between tables to get to the exit and Taehyung feels
humiliated because he was supposed to be the one to walk away, but Ana’s word had shook him to
the core and all he can do is dumbly stare after her.

“I can’t believe you don’t drink coffee,” Jimin says when Taehyung slides into the booth after he
finally unglued himself from standing in the same spot Ana had left him in. “I mean, I can’t even
get through the day without- hey, Taetae, are you okay?”

Taehyung sighs. “I’m fine. I think.” Jimin gives him a pointed look. “Jeongguk’s ex-girlfriend may
or may have not came up to me and said some weird things.”

His friend looks alarmed. “What kind of weird things?”

The former wavers for a moment before he says, “she was being kind of cryptic but I think that she
was basically saying that Jeongguk cheats and manipulates people.” He pauses before he adds,
“apparently he’ll get tired of me too.”

Jimin rolls his eyes. “I swear that girls’ are the most pettiest bitches and this is why I’m gay.” He
laughs and Taehyung tries to join in to ease the tension but it doesn’t feel right. “Just ignore her.
She clearly has nothing else better to do with her life than try to make shit up.”

“Yeah,” Taehyung doesn’t sound too convinced as he slumps down in his seat. “It’s just, she’s so
pretty. She’s got nice boobs and a nice smile. I can see why Jeongguk liked her.”

Jimin holds a hand up to stop to him. “No, Taehyung. You are not doing this. You are hot and
perfect for Jeongguk just the way you are. He would never think of you that way so don’t look
down on yourself because of some stupid bimbo. Just have some faith in your boyfriend, okay?”

Taehyung tries to nod enthusiastically but the confrontation (if it could even be called that) had left
him feeling drained. “Yeah, you’re right,” he grins in a way that hurts. “She’s probably just
jealous.”

Jealous.

That’s what Taehyung tells himself ever since the awkward encounter with Ana at the cafe. Maybe
he really is just being over the top, but the words are stuck in the back of his mind, and it's like
realizing that it's raining on vacation and no matter how hard he tries, he can't wish it away.
Taehyung wants to trust Jeongguk, he really does, but Ana's words have poisoned him and built a
home inside of his head and no matter how many times Jeongguk fucks him three ways to Sunday,
they won’t leave. They’re there when Jeongguk calls him beautiful, because all Taehyung can
picture is the way that his boyfriend called his other lovers the same. They’re there when he wakes
up in the morning, tracing the slopes of Jeongguk’s peacefully slumbering form with his tired eyes
wondering how many other girls got the privilege of waking up to the sight.

Taehyung is a ray of sunshine by nature and he hates the ugly feelings that infest him. He can’t
bottle up his feelings like others can. He wears his emotions on his sleeves and it’s obvious by the
way Jeongguk had been more gentle with him and had even randomly showed up with a bouquet of
roses that he knows that something is up with his boyfriend. So at some point, Taehyung finally
steels his nerves and asks the question that has been burdening him ever since his unsettling
encounter with Ana.

“Jeongguk,” he calls hesitantly, sitting on one of the kitchen stools and watching the younger boy
stir pasta in the boiling pot because Taehyung’s cooking was almost as bad as Namjoon’s.

“Yeah, baby?”

The petname nearly makes Taehyung melt right there and then and suddenly his thoughts seem
silly because when Jeongguk speaks to him with unrestrained affection, he begins to feel bad about
having any doubts. But Taehyung also knows that if he doesn’t voice said doubts, they’ll continue
to burn him from the inside out.

“Do-” the hesitating clip in his tone makes the raven-haired boy turn around and look at him. “Do
you like me?”

Jeongguk’s features twist in confusion before morphing into an expression of confound

amusement. “That’s what you’ve been sulking about?”

Taehyung can feel his cheeks heating up because voiced allowed by Jeongguk makes it sound even
more ridiculous because it’s such a preschool question. “Yeah,” he admits.

Jeongguk laughs and Taehyung thinks that he could listen to the mellifluous sound on repeat for
the rest of his life. “Of course I do,” Jeongguk says kindly, walking around the counter to press a
tender kiss against the older boy’s forehead. “You’re all I could ever ask for and want.”

“Really?” the inquiry is all but a sheepish murmur as Taehyung nibbles on his bottom lip.

“Yeah,” Jeongguk breathes before moving to brush a thumb against his lashes, placing a light kiss
atop his lid before moving down to press soft lips against his nose. “You’re so perfect for me,
baby.” Jeongguk then pulls back, dark eyes glinting in amusement as he continues to stroke at the
older boy’s flushed cheek. “How can I convince you, huh? Do I have to sound all complex and
philosophical like Namjoon hyung for you to believe me?”

Taehyung fidgets, “y-you don’t have to. I just-

“Kim Taehyung,” Jeongguk’s firm tone cuts him off. “You are the blood in my veins and the sun
in the sky and all of that gay shit, and I’m pretty sure that you hung the moon.”

He giggles. “That’s so dramatic, Gukkie.”

Said boy rolls his eyes before grasping Taehyung’s face in between his hands once more and
dipping down to kiss him rather firmly and Taehyung gasps, mouth falling open pliantly. And god,
Jeongguk kisses him with the vanity of the stars like he knows Taehyung is worth something and
the insecure boy wants to be worth something.

When his lover finally pulls away, Taehyung feels as if his very being is burning under the
intensity of his gaze.
“Kim Taehyung,” Jeongguk repeats, his name leaving the younger’s lips in a breathless way that
makes him shiver. “You are every love song I hear and every sleepless night, and I find your
initials carved into my flesh. You are hidden in between every poem and I’m not quite sure if
anything I’m saying even makes fucking sense because I am definitely not Kim Namjoon, but all I
know is that I’m not sure who I was before I met you because you’ve become my home.”

And Taehyung cannot say anything because he is rendered speechless. Out of all of the
innumerable answers he had conjured up in his head, this was not one of them. Jeongguk’s words
touch the deepest parts of him and strike down to his very molecules. Taehyung can only nod
dumbly in response when Jeongguk asks if he believes him because in this moment, all he can
think is: so this is what it looks like when you love someone.

Happiness doesn’t last forever. Taehyung should know this by now. He’s twenty-one for christ
sakes. The next few days following his own revelation are bliss. The semester comes to an end and
Taehyung spends the rest of his weekend with Jeongguk. Jimin had left for Busan, Yoongi went
back to Daegu, and the rest of their friends had all went back home as well, with Seokjin taking a
trip to America because his family was loaded.

Without the interruption of their friends, Taehyung and Jeongguk find their legs tangled and bare
skin pressed together more often than not. And although they usually spend most of their time in
Taehyung’s apartment fucking on every flat surface they can find, they decide to spend their
Sunday night out together on a date before going back to the too-silent frat house.

“Let’s fuck on Yoongi hyung’s bed,” Taehyung had suggested evilly, to which Jeongguk had paled
at the idea because apparently he did not want to die.

Jimin had sent a threatening text, promising to castrate the couple if they did anything on the
couch, to which Taehyung had responded with a snarky you and Yoongi probably already do :))

Jimin didn’t respond after that.

Things are great and Taehyung is kind of excited to tell his mom about Jeongguk when he takes the
train to Daegu the following morning. He can already picture her weeping over the many pictures
he’d taken of him and Jeongguk because his mom had tried countless times to set him up with
someone, and Jeongguk was a million times hotter than any of the blind dates that Taehyung had
ever been on.

“I’m gonna go take a shower, wanna join?” Jeongguk asks with a suggestive wiggle of his
eyebrows.

“Nah, I’m good.” Taehyung scrunches his nose. “It’s cold and I really don’t want to move right
now. I’m comfy.” He emphasizes his point by wrapping the thick cover more tightly around his
form and lets out a sigh of content. “Hurry up though because you are literally my personal heater
and I can feel my toes starting to numb again.”

Jeongguk snorts. “You’re really something else, y’know? Don’t worry though, I’ll be back soon.”
He places a chaste kiss upon Taehyung’s lips before grabbing his clothes and scurrying out the
room.

For awhile Taehyung stays cocooned under the blanket, playing Candy Crush on Jeongguk’s phone
because his own is in the pocket of his coat and he doesn’t want to risk hypothermia by getting up,
even if he is being rather dramatic as an excuse for being lazy.

Taehyung’s just cleared another stage when Jeongguk’s phone vibrates in his hand, a notification
for a text message from an unknown number popping up at the top of the screen. Taehyung isn’t a
nosey person- okay, well he kind of is, but he respects Jeongguk’s privacy and the younger never
minds when Taehyung uses his phone anyway. But the first few lines catches his eye. It reads hey
babe, wanna come… and Taehyung blinks because surely he had read it wrong. He trusts his
boyfriend and has no reason to suspect anything, but Ana’s words come rushing back to him and
the ugly feeling is creeping underneath his skin again.

He really shouldn’t look at Jeongguk’s texts. It’s none of his business. But the words beckon to him
and before he can stop himself, he’s swiping down the notification bar and clicking on the
message. His eyes skim over the words and the macabre feeling of dread mixed with anxiety begin
to rise in his throat.

[11:22 p.m.] Unknown: Hey babe, wanna come over? It’s been awhile since we’ve hung out and I
might lowkey be thirsting over u tbh ;) u still messing with that boy toy of urs? haha.

Taehyung tries to not get too worked up about it because for all he knows, the person could have
gotten the wrong number, but something is gnawing on his insides and he feels his stomach acid
burning. He clicks the message box and his fingers hesitantly hover over the keyboard. Taehyung
tries to reason with himself. He knows that what he’s about to do is wrong and that if Jeongguk
ever found out, he’d lose his trust. He knows this, but the unease is overpowering and choking him
because he needs to know and something is telling him that whatever would come out of
Jeongguk’s mouth wouldn’t be the truth.
[11:24 p.m.] Jeongguk: Who’s this? And what boy toy?

Taehyung reads over his message a million times before he decides to add an lol at the end to seem
more friendly. It takes another minute of him ripping at the skin of his bottom lip with his teeth to
hit send. He stares at the screen as he continues to chew on his lower lip, waiting for the person to
respond, which happens almost immediately.

[11:24 p.m.] Unknown: awww don’t tell me u deleted my number babe? :(( it’s me Lisa!!

[11:25 p.m.] Unknown: u aren’t actually serious abt this guy riiight? I think his name was
Taeyang or Taehyung or smthn. Unless ur already done n over with fucking a guy for the first time
lmfao.

[11:25 p.m.] Unknown: saw ur snapchat tho n he’s p cute!! He must be fun to play with hehe.

Taehyung’s tongue feels thick in his mouth. His hands are beginning to shake and it’s not from the
cold. He can turn back now. He can forget about all of this. This Lisa chick is probably a flame
from the past. But he doesn’t. His fingers move across the keyboard of their own accord.

[11:26 p.m.] Jeongguk : omg haha no I didn’t delete ur number. Got a new phone cuz my last one
broke.

[11:26 p.m.] Jeongguk : & yeaaa i’m still dating Taehyung.

[11:27 p.m.] Unknown: thts cool. U coming over tho?

Taehyung feels himself beginning to falter as the doubt begins to settle in. Suddenly, Ana’s words
don’t seem so absurd, but Taehyung tries to tell himself that the girl is just Thirsty As Fuck.
Jeongguk would never hurt him, right? It takes a while for him to respond because Taehyung just
isn’t sure if he has the courage to find out.

[11:30 p.m.] Jeongguk: but i’m dating Taehyungggg

[11:31 p.m.] Unknown: So…?

[11:31 p.m.] Unknown: tht hasn’t stopped us from hooking up before lol

[11:31 p.m.] Unknown: we both know that ur just using him babe~

Taehyung feels his blood turn to ice at her words. Uncertainty is beginning to turn into fear and
hurt and Taehyung’s insides are shriveling up. He feels like he’s about to throw up, but everything
is stuck in his throat and it’s like there’s salt water in his lungs. Still, there’s that glimmer of hope
that tells him that this is a big misunderstanding and that he’s being over analytical and paranoid
again, so he risks another text.

[11:32 p.m.] Jeongguk: wym? Y wud i do tht? D:

[11:33 p.m.] Unknown: HAHAHAH

[11:33 p.m.] Unknown: ur funny xoxox

[11:33 p.m.] Unknown: dnt play innocent u lil shit.

[11:33 p.m.] Unknown: u have gone thru like 10 gf’s since we met ur freshman year & out of all
of them i’ve fucked u when u were w/ abt 8 of them??

[11:33 p.m.] Unknown: dnt tell me tht ur not fucking any other chicks on the side cuz evn when
we aren’t sleeping together ur fucking other sorority hoes bc u aint faithful worth shit babe.

[11:34 p.m.] Unknown: ur fetish for dating ppl just so u can break their hearts is rlly douchey and
kind of psychotic & i kinda feel bad for Ana but idc ur hot and u fuck me p good. Lol.

[11:34 p.m.] Unknown: btwww i got tht shit that u like imported. Saved 4 grams just for u & u can
snort coke out of my ass if u want for old times sake ;)<3
And yeah, Taehyung’s world might be collapsing in on itself, the words on the screen delivering a
punch to create craters in his heart. The tears sting at the back of his eyes and he finds himself
frantically deleting the messages before throwing Jeongguk’s phone across the bed like it’s burned
him. “This can’t be happening,” his voice is a whisper that cracks at the end. He tries to convince
himself that it must all be some kind of fucked up joke, because just the other day Jeongguk had
told him that he hung the fucking moon and kissed him like his existence was a blessing to the
earth.

But now Taehyung feels completely and utterly ashamed of himself because he’s stupid for
wanting something that was too good to be true in the first place. His chest hurts and he doesn’t
know what the fuck he should do. He wants to scream and confront Jeongguk like any other
reasonable person who just found out that they were being cheated on and manipulated would. He
wants Jimin to come back so that he can cry pathetically into his best friend’s lap for weeks on end
but it’s okay cause he’ll learn to move on. He wants to be the strong and independent person that
his parents raised him to be and walk away. Taehyung knows that he should. He knows that
everyone would just tell him that he was too good for Jeon Jeongguk and to be the bigger person.
But he can’t.

He can’t because Jeongguk isn’t a fling or a high school crush. He can’t because he’s weak for
Jeongguk’s soft eyes and bunny smile. He’s weak for his honey laced voice and the way that his
mouth explores Taehyung’s body like he’s trying to map out a new planet. How do you let go of
that? How do you let go of someone you love even when you know it’s not right? Taehyung’s not
sure why people fall in love with the one’s who will never give a part of themselves in return. He’s
not sure how to let go.

The tears that blurred his vision and pricked at the corners of his eyes begin to ebb away and all
Taehyung can feel is the kind of emptiness that hurts like there’s smoke inside of his lungs and
cigarette ashes lodged into his throat. It’s like Jeongguk planted roses in his garden only to stomp
all over his flower beds and leave nothing but dead leaves behind.

He won’t leave until he has his name carved into the spaces between your ribs, and that’s when
you’ll finally realize why storms are named after people.

And Taehyung laughs bitterly to himself in the suffocating silence as he claws at his sides, because
maybe if he tries hard enough his fingers will dig underneath his flesh to scratch out the J.K. that is
hidden in between the curves of his bones. Taehyung thinks that Jeongguk must have injected
something into his blood while he slept because his veins aren’t supposed to burn like this. It’s not
supposed to sting this bad.

Now, he knows why Jeongguk would never let him turn his pages, because some stories were
never meant to be read. And Taehyung realizes that their was an expiration date to their
relationship that he wasn’t aware of before. Jeongguk had written the numbers into Taehyung’s
skin with his fingers and every kiss was counting down the days. He wonders how many more it
would take until Jeongguk reached zero and Taehyung became nothing but spoiled milk.

He feels so dirty. Taehyung had pried apart the bones that protected his beating heart to leave
himself bare in front of Jeongguk. And fuck- he even thought that they had made love that first
night they spent together. He had been naive enough to believe that people don’t hold each other in
such an intimate way unless they’re making love. Oh, how wrong he had been.

And he wants to say that he only kissed Jeongguk and let the younger press him into the bed sheets
because afraid to wake up alone. He wants to say that they only fucked because Taehyung was a
storm that needed to move continents and Jeongguk’s skin against his was the only way to start the
fire of his heart. He wants to say that Jeongguk never fucked him good anyways, and that love
never seeped through the cracks to create ravines in the first place. He wants to say that he had
meant be used, but he can’t.

Because he gave Jeongguk the strength to crush his soul with just two fingers, and even worse, a
few texts. Taehyung had convinced himself that the boy shone brighter than any other star and fell
too fast for the idea of murmured affection against skin and replacing unlit cigarettes with his lips.

Taehyung had fell; and boy, he fell hard.

Once again, he’s reminded that he’s impossible to love and he wants to burn every love story that
he’s ever read that promised him forever. Because everything is mortal and on a set time, but it’s
never on his own clock.

And Taehyung’s so fucking lost because Jeongguk’s voice is his favorite sound and the cologne he
wears is his favorite smell and Taehyung once again finds himself asking how the fuck do you let
go of that?

Taehyung can feel his heart beginning to close itself off in an attempt to cut off the bad parts that
Jeongguk has infested and he begins to feel numb. It’s nice like this. Numb.

“-hyung. Taehyung!” the older boy doesn’t realize that Jeongguk is shaking his shoulder until he
knees down on the bed to and brings another hand to rest on Taehyung’s cheek. “Baby, are you
okay? You don’t look so good.”

Before, Taehyung would have melted at the name of affection but now it feels like an insult and he
wants to throw up because Jeongguk’s hands are touching him and they burn in the kind of way
that painfully sears the flesh.

“Yeah,” he smiles. “I’m okay, Guk.”

And Taehyung doesn’t know how he does it; his body seems to be on autopilot- maybe a defense
mechanism because the most traumatic thing that Taehyung had ever experienced in his life was
when his dog died when he was ten. He doesn’t know why he isn’t slapping Jeongguk across the
face and hurling every swear word he knows at him. Maybe he’s really just an idiot who wants to
stay blindly in love. And now, Taehyung knows what drowning feels like even when the ocean is a
hundred miles away.

Jeongguk furrows his brows, droplets of water from his wet hair beading on his temple. “You’re
bleeding here babe,” he brushes his thumb to swipe against Taehyung’s lower lip, the red smeared
across the pad of his finger. “You only do that when you’re anxious. Are you sure everything’s
okay?”

No, I’m far from okay.

“Yep!” the chirpiness in Taehyung’s voice makes him internally flinch and he feels dizzy. “I’m just
super tired and I’m worried about you being alone when I leave.”

Jeongguk smiles gently, moving under the covers to lay down as he pulls Taehyung with him and
the older boy feels like he’s going to suffocate with how close they are. “Don’t worry about me.
I’ll be fine. Promise.” He moves forward to press a kiss to Taehyung’s forehead. “You have too
many thoughts in that head of yours.” Jeongguk laughs. “It’s only two weeks.”

Taehyung wishes it was two years.

“You look tired. Go to sleep, baby. The train leaves early tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah,” Taehyung says rather lamely. “Yeah,” he repeats because why are you doing this to me? Is
what he really wants to say, turning his back to his lover who snakes an arm around Taehyung’s
waist and murmurs a goodnight against his neck.

Taehyung spends the rest of the night staring at the wall trying not to cry and maybe hoping that he
could mold himself into the wallpaper and disappear. When morning comes and the body pressed
against him begins to stir, Taehyung closes his heavy lids and pretends to sleep, mumbling tiredly
when Jeongguk kisses his cheek and tells him that they need to get ready to leave.

And with this new knowledge, Taehyung is scared. He’s scared because despite knowing that
Jeongguk just might not be the person he thinks he is, nothing has changed. Jeongguk still carries
his suitcase and opens the passenger door of his car like the gentleman he is. He still holds
Taehyung’s hand in the car and kisses him when they reach the platform. He still tells his lover
that he’ll miss their lazy nights and heated fucks. Jeongguk pouts and complains and Taehyung
wishes that he had the balls to tell him to stop because Jeongguk is only making everything harder
on him.

He’ll leave. That’s what he’s decided. Taehyung will leave when he comes back from break after
collecting himself at home and crying over gingerbread cookies and hot chocolate. He’ll be a giant
fucking baby and tell his mom about the dangerous boy who lied with a facade of charming smiles
and a beautiful face that broke his heart. Maybe he’ll call Jimin and they’ll cry together because
Jimin is A Fucking Pussy who cries every time they watched the Fault In Our Stars, even though
he’s seen it twenty times already.

“I’ll miss you,” Jeongguk says.

Taehyung knows it’s a lie but he plays along anyway. “I’ll miss you too.” At least he’s the one
telling the truth. He wonders how many girls Jeongguk will fuck while he’s gone.

“Text me when you arrive, yeah?” Jeongguk squeezes his hand before pressing one more quick
kiss to his lips and letting go. And Taehyung knows that it will be the last time their fingers will be
intertwined.

Taehyung promises that he will. It’s the last one he’ll ever have to make to the boy with doe eyes
and messy black hair.

And then he hops on the train as it announces it’s two minutes to departure and Jeongguk waves at
him through the window with a huge grin that Taehyung wishes was genuine. Not too long ago all
Taehyung could think about was how euphonious Jeongguk’s laugh was and how his smile could
replace the sun, but now all that traces the circuits of Taehyung’s brain is how every touch and
word of affection that falls from his lover’s lips is a lie.

As the train departs, Taehyung wishes that he could take his heart with him back home to Daegu.
But he’s always been weak for pretty boys with stars in their eyes.
He sticks his hands in his pockets because even though the train is warm, Jeongguk leaves him
feeling more cold than the chill of winter. His fingers brush against a piece of crumpled paper that
he fiddles with before he pulls it out and unfolds it. Amidst the wrinkles and tears is a number
scribbled neatly in smeared ink and Taehyung swallows because he was sure that he had thrown it
away.

He doesn’t hesitate to enter the number into his phone and shoot a message somewhere along the
lines of he lied. It’s an hour of staring out the frosted window with the dreariness of winter looming
overhead in monotone clouds before he gets a response.

[9:10 p.m.] Ana: I’m in Daegu for break but if ur close by we can meet up for coffee and talk
sometime.

Taehyung isn’t sure whether it’s a blessing or an ill omen knowing that Ana lives in the same city
as him. Either way, it’s six days after he arrives in Daegu that they finally decide on a time and
place. Surprisingly enough, Taehyung hadn’t broken down in a heap of snot and tears when his
mom had asked him if he was dating and he had responded cooly with “I’m too busy to date.”

Ana’s already sitting in a booth by a window when Taehyung arrives, steaming coffee in hand, and
suddenly he’s taken back to the cafe back in Seoul and he snorts to himself because surely, the
world was mocking him.

Ana’s brown eyes light up when she sees Taehyung and waves him over with an amiable smile.
“Taehyung!” she greets as he seats himself across from her. “I already ordered for you. I hope you
don’t mind.” She blushes slightly and Taehyung pretends that he doesn’t hate coffee. At first, they
make small talk: asking about the holidays and expressing their relief over the semester finally
being over. But small talk can only last so long.

“How have you been?” Ana asks after a moment of silence. “Have you been holding up alright?”

Taehyung wets his lips. There’s no avoiding the conversation now. “I don’t know,” he says,
shoulders slumped. “I thought that I would be like how it is in dramas. But nothing’s changed. We
still text every day and talk on the phone and it’s weird .”

“Wait, he didn’t dump you and make you feel like absolute trash?” she asks in surprise, eyebrow
arched.
He shakes his head. “No.” A nervous laugh. “He doesn’t know that I know. One of his booty calls
or something texted him while he was in the shower. That’s how I found out.” He pauses, unsure
of his own words. “I haven’t cried at all. I’m supposed to, right? I feel so embarrassed and stupid
and I can’t stop thinking about how much he lied to me, but I can’t fucking cry.”

Ana leans back with a sigh. “Damn,” she whistles, “I wish it had been that easy for me. Did you
love him?”

Taehyung bites his inner cheek until he tastes metallic liquid on his tongue. “Yeah,” he breathes.
“Because if I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt this bad, right? I wouldn’t feel this empty, right?”

Ana doesn’t say anything, just nods.

He traces the rim of his mug with his index finger. Coffee barely touch and probably lukewarm.
“How did you-” he gulps. “How did you find out?”

She smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes and that’s how he knows that Jeongguk really did a
number on her. That’s how he knows that Jeongguk kissed her skin like the sun before crashing
into her like a hurricane and tearing down the home she had built. “Oh boy, do I got a story for
you.”

Taehyung isn’t sure if he wants to hear it because that means facing reality. He’s never hated
reality until now.

“I dated Jeongguk for six months,” she starts. “We met through a mutual friend and I was just so
taken with him the moment we met. But that goes for every sorority girl, right?” she snorts. “But
fuck, he was so nice. He wasn’t slimy like other frat boy’s or just looking for a booty call. He has a
way of making you feel like you’re special, y’know? A person.”

“Yeah, he does,” he agrees rather bitterly.

“Dating Jeongguk was fucking amazing. He treated me better than any other guy I’d ever been
with.”
“You never had any problems?” Taehyung asks.

“No,” she says before pausing to think, biting her bottom lip. “I mean, I didn’t think of it as a
problem while we were dating because we’re in college and that’s when we all do dumb shit and
experiment and-” she falters and Taehyung can see the tears glazing her eyes. “But one day I
accidentally walked in on him snorting coke in a bathroom and he asked me not to tell anyone. I
think that he thought I was gonna freak on him because for the first time ever, he looked kinda
scared.” Ana tries to laugh but it comes out as a strangled sob instead. “And I dunno, I’m just a
stupid college girl.”

“You’re not stupid,” Taehyung mumbles.

“I asked if I could try some and discovered that sex on cocaine is fucking mindblowing.” She really
does laugh this time before quickly adding on, “but I only did it recreationally. But Jeongguk,” she
frowns. “I thought that he was just being a typical college boy, but now I realize how toxic and self
destructive he is.”

Taehyung takes a sip of the coffee, his tongue feeling like cotton. It’s cold and tastes bitter as fuck
but he just needs to distract himself from his shaking hands. “I didn’t know,” he says as he sets the
mug down and stares out the window.

Ana sighs. “He’s good at acting isn’t he? Bet he could win a fucking Oscar for that shit.” It’s
supposed to be joke but neither of them have the energy to find humor in it. “Did he ever seem
super lethargic or spaced out?”

He nods, ripping his eyes away from the bleak streets to look at her again. “Yeah, a lot actually.
But I just assumed it was from the stress of school.”

“That would be nice, eh?” the sour question is rhetorical and Taehyung knows where this is going.
“That’s what happens when you crash from a high when you do coke. It makes you want to keel
over and pass out.”

Taehyung remembers all of the times Jeongguk had simply waved off his sunken eyes and pale
skin as being stressed, and now there’s something simmering underneath Taehyung’s skin.

Ana waves her hand. “We’re getting off track here though. Anyway, long story short is that he took
me out to the bar for a date and pampered me like a princess before telling me that I was ugly and
stupid and humiliating me in front of everyone.”

The blonde boy’s eyes widen. “He did what?”

“He said that he was tired of my saggy tits and loose vagina, I kid you not. He also proudly
admitted to fucking other girl’s and told me that he never loved me.” Her slender fingers that had
been wrapped around her own mug turn into blotches of blush red and white as she grips it too
tightly and Taehyung thinks that it might break underneath the force. “You said that you haven’t
cried and that’s because you refuse to let the truth settle in,” she says. “Because when it finally
does, you won’t be able to keep yourself together. If you think it hurts now, it’s gonna hurt a
hundred times worse later.” She wipes at her eyes. “And you shouldn’t- not until you hurt him in
the same way he hurt you.”

“What do you mean?” he asks with downturned lips.

“Break his heart.”

Taehyung makes a sound of disbelief. “That would require him to have a fucking heart.”

Ana rolls her eyes. “Okay, Jeongguk may be a complete dirt bag but he’s still a human with
feelings, and that means that there’s a way to hurt him. If you can’t break his heart, then you can
injure his pride.” He hums in response and she takes it as a sign to continue. “You gotta beat him at
his own game. Jeongguk thinks that he has you in the palm of his hand right now. Can you imagine
how fucking humiliated he would feel you fucked him over first?”

Taehyung’s silent for a moment as he processes Ana’s words. And he knows that he should just say
fuck it and break up with Jeongguk and move on with his life because while he’s petty, he’s too
much of a bitch to hurt other people, but the anger is boiling now, spilling out between the cracks
like molten lava and all Taehyung can think about is how much he hates Jeongguk and wants him
to hurt.

“And how do you suggest I do that?” the question comes out wobbly, restrained animosity slinking
up his throat to dance at the tip of his tongue. Oh, he’s really brewing now.

They’re on the same page at this point and Taehyung can see the same enmity reflected in Ana’s
eyes. “Play along with his mind games for a little while. Make him feel comfortable and in
control.” Her tongue swipes out to lick her lips, smirk twitching at the corners of her mouth. “And
then break him in the way that he’s killed countless lovers. And you,” she laughs dryly, “you can
figure out the rest.”

And then they sit there in silence. Sipping at coffee that’s long lost its warmth. But it’s perfect
because Jeongguk is the wind that doesn’t fan the flames but burns them out. He is the storm that
strips bark off of trees and pulls out the roots. He is the foul aftertaste of cigarettes and suddenly
the blonde boy doesn’t mind the bitterness of coffee anymore, because nothing was more bitter
than loving someone who doesn’t know what love is. Taehyung is sure that Jeongguk exhaled his
toxic breath into him every time they shared a kiss and no matter how much he wheezes, it’ll stick
to his lungs like tar.

So they continue to sit in silence like that, filling their stomachs with shitty coffee to keep the pain
at bay. Swallowing their tongues with unspoken words because they both know that revenge never
solves anything. They both know that breaking one heart will never fix another, but it’s the only
thing that’s keeping Taehyung together right now. And Taehyung knows that later on when he
walks home he’ll hear the night echoing and it’ll make everything bittersweet, because he wants it
to be forever but knows that it can’t be.

So first, he’ll break Jeon Jeongguk, and then he’ll fall apart.

Yoongi’s a little emotionally constipated and the only time he’s not glaring at the air around him is
when he’s napping, but he’s sure that if he could scowl in his sleep he probably would. Jeongguk
calls him a grumpy fifty year old stuck in a twenty-four year old’s body, but Yoongi thinks that
Jeongguk is just an asshole.

Min Yoongi is blunt, not grumpy.

But when it comes to Jimin, he's something else entirely. Because he’s twenty-four and life never
goes the way anyone wants it to, and lately all of the people he fucked had started tasting exactly
the same and every book read the same way, but then he hooked up with Jimin and it was
supposed to just be a one time thing, but Yoongi discovered what love was supposed to taste like
when their lips met.

Yoongi hates romance but he loves Park Jimin.

“Yoongi?” Jimin calls his name with hesitation and the elder hums. They're laying on Yoongi’s
bed, feet tangled together beneath the covers because Taehyung and Jeongguk are Fucking
Disgusting and are probably having sex on top of the fridge or something. “Is Jeongguk really
alright?”

Silence. And then he’s saying “yeah, he’s alright” because he doesn’t know how to define okay
when it comes to Jeongguk. He doesn’t know how to tell his lover that Jeongguk is not okay
because nothing is black and white with his friend. It’s all in scales of grey and flashing red and
unreadable blue, but sometimes when he’s with Taehyung there’s yellow there too. So he’ll just say
that Jeongguk is fine because the boy is his own definition of fine and for now, it makes Yoongi
feel less guilty about lying to the beauty snuggled next to him.

“Are you sure?” the question is timid and it’s obvious by the way Jimin looks at his lover, short
fingers tangled in messy black hair that he doesn’t believe him.

And Yoongi’s stomach twists at the question because it’s the same one that Namjoon whispers to
him when no one else is around, and it’s the same one that Hoseok always asks with the muted
downturn of his lips and concern swimming in his eyes. And Yoongi should be used to lying for
Jeongguk by now, but lately the pressure has been getting to him and unlike Jeongguk, he hates
lying to his friends.

“Why wouldn’t he be?” the response comes out terse and icy because he always gets stupidly
defensive over the boy, and yeah; maybe he should just tell someone but he also doesn’t want to
lose Jeongguk’s trust.

Jimin frowns as his lover tenses underneath him. “Because Jeongguk doesn’t seem okay and what
Tae told us the other day kind of worries me.”

“He can take care of himself,” Yoongi mumbles. “He’ll be fine.”

Jimin sits up, sighing down at the elder who has his lips set firmly into a straight line, expression
unreadable. “Look,” he starts. “I know that you and Guk are like best bros or whatever and I get
that. I really do. But best bros also seek help from others when they need to.”

Yoongi scowls. “I dunno what you’re trying to say.”

“What I’m saying is that if Jeongguk needs help, it’s okay to say so.” Jimin’s tone softens
considerably. “I know that you’re the kind of guy who always feels the need to take responsibility
for everything, but you don’t need to do that, Yoongi. You don’t need to suffer in silence keeping
secrets because of some dumb ass bro code.”
“I’m not!” Yoongi snaps, immediately regretting it when Jimin’s eyes widen in surprise. He visibly
deflates. “I’m not, okay? Nothing is wrong with Guk.”

“He’s not doing anything illegal is he?” JImin asks cautiously and Yoongi hardens at this because
they both know what Jimin meant because his lover is a med student and knows an addict when he
sees one.

Is he doing drugs?

Yoongi wonders how much Jimin knows, or if they’re just laying in bed with secrets, folding them
up until they create paper birds inside their hearts.

“The kid’s better than that.”

But Yoongi isn’t too sure anymore and he doesn’t know how to tell Jimin that sometimes he feels
like his best friend is slipping away.

Taehyung is the type of guy that Jeongguk can never quite stop thinking about, and for once he’s
okay with that. It’s scary, yeah; because Taehyung is a symbol of Jeongguk’s weakness, his
Kryptonite, but he doesn’t mind Because he is just a twenty-year old boy who’s spent too many
years with a heart made of stone because weak was never something that he could risk and with
Taehyung he’s taking a risk.

It’s kind of scary and Taehyung is the kind of person who rushes like wildfire and Jeongguk’s not
sure if the flames will ever catch up or be doused by rain, but it gives Jeongguk the kind of
adrenaline rush that leaves him breathless and wanting more. Because Kim Taehyung can never be
condensed down into cliche words such as “beautiful” and “breathtaking” is too vague. Jeongguk
wants to create an entirely new language to describe his lover but that’s too romantic and the boy is
Awkward As Fuck. So for now, he’ll just settle for fleeting touches and soft kisses and hope that
his feelings get across.

Christmas break had been uneventful for the most part- more boring than the last because now
Jeongguk couldn’t hit up clubs and fuck girls whose faces he’d forget the moment his face hit the
pillow. There was no wild parties with kids who didn’t go home because they had daddy issues,
and if it couldn’t get any worse, Jeongguk didn’t have the rush of coke to keep him strung out until
the semester started back up. Because dating Taehyung actually made Jeongguk feel guilty about
locking himself in the bathroom and secretly snorting that shit up. Dating Taehyung made him feel
guilty about lying.

It wasn’t as if Jeongguk had gone cold turkey (he hadn’t) because while he had initially tried, he
woke up the next day feeling like absolute shit. Simply getting out of bed was a process, because
while he felt dizzy he also kind of wanted to fucking kill himself. Jeongguk knows what a cocaine
crash feels like. Lethargic. Irritated. Wanting to throw the fuck up until you get that hit; that line.
Yeah, it’s definitely not the best feeling. Jeongguk isn’t an addict or anything- or so he tells
himself- but the thought of Taehyung finding out about his hobby leaves a less than pleasant
feeling stuck in his chest like shitty fifty cent gum. So he had begun to cut down his doses and
even bought that cheap shit that’s more baking soda than cocaine and barely even gives him a
buzz. It’s hard, but seeing the smile on Taehyung’s face makes every headache worth it.

Jeongguk hadn’t even touched alcohol because laying in bed and drinking alone seemed really
pathetic and he wasn’t willing to stoop that low. And yeah, he had been kind of tempted to because
while he knew that his lover would be spending time with his family, Jeongguk hadn’t expect him
to not call or text for nearly five days straight. Because even when he’s busy, Taehyung had always
found a way to blow up Jeongguk’s phone.

Maybe he’s being paranoid or petty but Jeongguk can’t help but feel as if he’s done something
wrong, even when Taehyung shoots him a reassuring text that’s something along the lines of miss
u so much babe!!! Can’t wait to get back 2 u <3 my mom yells at me for even glancing at my phone
while i’m w/ them lol :) and there’s also a bunch of unnecessary emoji’s added on that Taehyung
says quote “builds character” end quote, or whatever that means. Jeongguk’s sure that he’s just
being gross and clingy because he’s never had a serious relationship in his shitty twenty years of
living.

Jeongguk had been sprawled across his bed playing some phone game that he doesn’t particularly
care about, but the boredom was really starting to get to him and the urge to call his dealer Mark up
and ask for grade A coke made him nervous. Being alone with his thoughts made him nervous.
And just like the year before, the door opened only for Yoongi to pop his head in the room with a
smirk on his face and the same “you alive, kid?” to which Jeongguk tries to scowl but his excited
“hyung!” completely ruined his bad boy persona.

Jeongguk will never admit it, but he was kinda sorta really touched by his friend cutting his trip
home a week short just for him.

“You didn’t have to come back, hyung.” Jeongguk said.

Yoongi had simply shrugged nonchalantly and responded with, “I can’t be around my dad for too
long. He drives me fucking crazy. Had to make sure that you weren’t dead yet, anyway.”
Jeongguk had given him an all too knowing smile, but hadn’t said anything snarky in return. And
yeah, the break was still boring because Yoongi wasn’t exactly good company to keep, but he did
make it a little more bearable.

No sane college student in their right mind wants the break to end, but Jeongguk’s a little bit more
than relieved when the holiday finally comes to a close and Taehyung comes back. But it’s weird,
because his lover is back and Jeongguk should be feeling fucking ecstatic. And he is, because
Taehyung is so pretty and his lips are still as nice as Jeongguk remembers them to be when they
kiss. He still holds his lover’s hand and still gives that boxy smile and god he’s still cheeky as fuck,
and yet, Jeongguk can’t help but feel as if something is off.

The night Taehyung returns they don’t tangle in a mess of skin pressed against skin and breathy
moans, and although it may sound extremely douchey to expect sex, Jeongguk and Taehyung
fucked to the point that they practically scared Jimin away from his own apartment. Taehyung says
that he’s tired from the train ride, which is only three hours, but Jeongguk doesn’t think too much
about it and just shrugs it off anyways because he can wait. The next time Jeongguk tries to make
any advances on his lover, the older boy simply smiles and says that he wants to cuddle, so
Jeongguk internally sighs but still complies because if Taehyung asked him to jump, Jeongguk
would ask how high. So he’ll kiss his lover’s shoulder and tangle their feet together and even
though they aren’t fucking, cuddling is the next best thing.

This is how it goes for another two weeks, and Jeongguk is feeling a little re-virginized because
he’s never gone four days without getting laid and simply staring at Taehyung for too long makes
his mind go down the gutter and he gets ridiculously horny about it. So the boy will try, and his
stupidly cute boyfriend will push him away with a giggle and make some excuse about not being
in the mood, to which Jeongguk will murmur “you’re always in the mood, babe” against his neck.

The change is something that Jimin seems to notice because one day while Jeongguk busies
himself with some shitty first person shooter on the Playstation while Taehyung is in the shower,
Jimin walks in the apartment and asks rather bluntly, “why aren’t you guys fucking?”

Jeongguk blanches at this. “What?”

Jimin makes a face of mild disgust before moving to sit on the couch and watch Jeongguk play.
“You and Tae. You have sex like animals.”

“No we don’t!” the younger boy retorts in mild exasperation.

Jeongguk can practically feel his friend rolling his eyes but is too busy focusing on shooting the
fuck out of people to care.

“Dude, Taehyung is so loud . I can hear you guy’s before I even open the door!”

“Okay. That’s not my fault. I can’t help that my dick game is just that bomb, hyung.”

Jimin punches his shoulder. “Shut up!” he giggles. “But yeah, I haven’t heard even a peep out of
you two since the semester started up. Are you guys okay?”

Jeongguk drops the controller to flex his fingers as the mission ends, turning to the sunset haired
boy with a frown. “What do you mean?”

“I dunno.” He shrugs. “I was just wondering if you guys were fighting or anything cause y’all ain’t
fucking.”

“Why would we be fighting?” Jeongguk asks, frown curving further down.

“You’re not?” Jimin asks with a crooked brow and Jeongguk shakes his head. “Hm, weird.”

“What’s weird?”

“Nothing. Nevermind. I think I’m just being extra about it,” Jimin says with a laugh.

Jeongguk bites his tongue, nodding slowly before his attention snaps back to the screen. He tries
not to think about Jimin’s words. Because him and Taehyung are just peachy. Perfect, even. And
he doesn’t understand why things wouldn’t be fine. But he asks Taehyung if he’s okay, just for
reassurance, to which his lover just places a wet kiss on his cheek and says “of course. What made
you ask that?” And because Jeongguk isn’t one to dwell on things he just shrugs it off and goes
back to not having sex with his boyfriend.

But things are alright as they are, and Jeongguk doesn’t mind.

That is, until it’s a Saturday night and they haven’t fucked in two weeks, five days, and 6 hours.
Jeongguk’s sure that Taehyung is just being a tease at this point, so when Taehyung suggests that
they hit up a club for the night, Jeongguk is more than eager because clubs mean alcohol. And
alcohol equates to a very horny Kim Taehyung trying to suck his dick in a gross bathroom stall,
which will either end in really messy and drunk sex back at the apartment or being too wasted to
function and passing out. Jeongguk is hoping that it isn’t the latter.

And Jeongguk is sure that Taehyung is out to hurt him because when he swings by his lover’s
place to pick him up for their date that will hopefully end in a fuckfest (because at this point
Jeongguk is feeling like a goddamn virgin Mary) his throat almost goes dry. Taehyung’s hair is
messy in a way that makes Jeongguk want to yank at it, with coal smudged at the corner of his
eyes. He’s wearing a thin black shirt with a deep v-line that shows the smooth expanses of his chest
with leather pants that hug his ass. Yeah, Taehyung is definitely out to get him.

“I kind of want to suck your dick but I also kind of want to kiss you silly,” Jeongguk says when
Taehyung approaches him, coy smirk on his face like he knows that he’s hot.

Jeongguk is leaning against the brick building, legs crossed and arms folded and suddenly he feels
so plain next to Taehyung. The club isn’t too far away from the apartment complex, maybe a ten or
fifteen minute walk. A walk that Jeongguk could forfeit because he kind of wants to fuck his lover
right on the concrete.

Taehyung giggles and Jeongguk is dizzy. “I did not spend an hour dressing up to look this sexy for
you to tear my pants off so soon, Jeon .”

“You’re so insufferable, aren’t you? Kim ,” Jeongguk shoots back.

And that asshole has the nerve to flash his pearly teeth and pat Jeongguk on the thigh before
bouncing down the street like Mary fucking Poppins.

“ Asshole ,” Jeongguk mutters under his breath.

“I heard that, Jeon .”

“I don’t give a shit, Kim .”

The club is jam packed with people. The lights are flashing almost blindingly, lighting up the club
only to flash to dark shades of blue and red once more, before stunning with bursts of white. It’s a
place that Jeongguk is familiar with, having frequented them often when he was looking for a
casual hook up and nothing more. But it’s a place that has become alien to the boy ever since
Taehyung came into his life.

He lithely slides through the crowd to reach the bar with a hand gently guiding Taehyung placed
on his lower back. It’s weird, because Jeongguk’s not use to a plus one. He’s not used to staring
down any guy or girl who’s gaze linger on his boyfriend for too long. But he could get used to it.

They sit in stools, Jeongguk ordering something rather light to start with but Taehyung’s already
going for the hard shit, to which Jeongguk raises his brow at. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he
asks.

The older boy shrugs. “We only live once, right?”

Jeongguk rolls his eyes, arm hanging loosely around Taehyung’s waist. “I’m not trynna drag your
wasted ass back home, Tae.”

He laughs at this, patting Jeongguk’s cheek. “It’s okay, Gukkie. You’ll still get laid.” Jeongguk
perks up at this, dangerous smirk already twitching at the corners of his mouth. “If anything,
you’re the one who needs to get home in one piece. You look like you’re about ready to fight
anyone who even breathes near me.”

Jeongguk scowls, bottom lip jutting out in a pout. “Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Not.”

“Too.”

“Not.”

“Whatever you say, babe.”

The night is spent just like that: silly banters and fleeting touches- more on Taehyung’s end
because he gets touchy when he’s tipsy. His hand rubs at Jeongguk’s bicep, only to move down to
the younger’s chest when he says something amusing. Taehyung laughs in a way that’s rousing,
and his eyes become more glassy the drunker he gets.

“You’re so hard,” Taehyung says, rubbing at his lover’s abs through his shirt.

“Yeah?” Jeongguk replies breathlessly.

“Yeah,” Taehyung confirms, dragging his palm up to splay his fingers against Jeongguk’s
pectoral, lower palm just barely brushing against his nipple. “You’re so hard, baby.”

Jeongguk licks his lips. “Am I?”

Taehyung nods, cheeks flushed like spring cherry blossoms. “I like you like this. I like it when
you’re all dolled up-” he snags his front teeth on his bottom lip “- all sexy and, fuck , yeah, I like
being able to feel you like this.” It’s obvious that they aren’t talking about Jeongguk’s physique
anymore.

“Yeah?” Jeongguk repeats dumbly, voice hoarse because it’s the only thing that he can say when
his tongue is shoved all the way down his throat and the heat from Taehyung’s hands is shooting
straight to his dick.

Jeongguk likes it when his lover is like this. He likes it when Taehyung is all pretty and shameless
with mussed hair, hooded eyes and crude with his words. Because Jeongguk is still kind of
awkward and new at this whole “having meaningful sex and caring about people” thing.
Sometimes they fuck soft and slow with low murmurs and hushed whimpers. Other times they fuck
hard and fast with bruising kisses that leave the taste of blood in their mouths. Either way, it’s
intimate and real and Jeongguk is still trying to adjust because there are days when he wakes up to
stare at Taehyung’s sleeping naked form besides and he wonders how the hell the guy is still there.
Even with his past girlfriend’s, Jeongguk’s never stayed for long after sex, but with Taehyung, he’d
stay a lifetime.

Jeongguk is sure that this is going to be one of those nights where Taehyung will wake up the next
morning with a sore ass, cramped thighs, and marks all over his body. Marks that make him
Jeongguk’s. Those are the nights that Jeongguk likes the most.
“Wanna dance?” Taehyung practically purrs and the younger just nods like an idiot because
Taehyung seems to have that effect of leaving him with a tongue tied in knots.

So they leave their drinks behind with a few thousand won on the bar as Taehyung pulls Jeongguk
by the hand towards the dance floor. Once Taehyung drags him to the middle, he turns around with
that stupidly hot coy smile that makes the Jeongguk stutter. Jeongguk hates how clumsy and
embarrassingly shy he gets around his lover because it’s like he’s sixteen again.

Taehyung slides his hands up Jeongguk’s chest to wrap his arms around his neck in a way that
leaves a smouldering trail of lava that burns through the fabric of the boy’s shirt. Almost as if on
instinct, Jeongguk snakes his waist around his lover and pulls him close. The tempo has changed
into something slow and more sensual, the quieting of the bass leaving his ears ringing.

The pair began to sway slowly at first, almost lazily. Jeongguk can faintly hear Taehyung
humming something under his breath as they move from side to side. It’s almost romantic- out of
place for a club like this. But it’s still hot and Taehyung is looking at the boy in a way that has him
on edge.

“You okay, Gukkie? You’re seem a little bothered.” And although the disorienting flashing lights
of the club make his lover’s features not as sharp and defined, Jeongguk can see the way his glassy
eyes shine in amusement; taunting him.

So Jeongguk growls, turning Taehyung around who’s giggles turn into a soft moan of surprise as
Jeongguk presses the older boy flushed against his chest. Jeongguk’s breath ghosts across
Taehyung’s neck in a way that makes him shiver, his lover subconsciously tilting his head to the
side to expose more of his unblemished, tan skin.

“I’m fine, sweetheart, but you should worry more about yourself, hm?” And then he’s placing his
lips against the warmth of Taehyung’s skin, hearing the sharp intake of breath.

“Ngh, Gukkie,” Taehyung whines, pressing his ass against the boy’s crotch and gyrating hips in a
slow grind.

“Fuck,” Jeongguk groans, his grip on Taehyung’s waist tightening as he rolls his body forward.
They’re practically dry humping on the dance floor, bodies pressed closely together as Jeongguk
bites and sucks at his lover’s neck. It’s hot. It’s all so fucking hot and Jeongguk is impossibly
turned on. Taehyung can feel Jeongguk’s dick straining against his pants and grinds down hard in a
way that leaves him panting at the friction.

Jeongguk’s sure that he’s going to cum in his pants if they keep going, his dick twitching at the
thought. It’s embarrassing; it’s embarrassing to know that cumming in his pants untouched in front
of hundreds of people turns him on so much. What would Taehyung think of him cumming in his
underwear like a little bitch? He would think that Jeongguk was such a slut.

Slut.

Jeongguk’s mind goes haywire as he strays further into the obscene. He’d be such a little slut
cumming like this. Such a bad boy. He could practically already see the disapproval in his lover’s
eyes and maybe he’d be punished for it. Jeongguk can feel his cheeks flushing at the thought and
he feels rather ashamed, pulling away from Taehyung slightly because his thoughts were not
masculine at all. He was the one who did the fucking, not the one receiving it.

“You alright?” Taehyung asks, turning around in his arms.

Jeongguk nods. “I’m alright.”

“Mmm ‘k. I’ll be right back? I kinda need to really piss.”

The boy considers following Taehyung to the bathroom and maybe having a quickie in the stalls,
but stops himself just short of it. Jeongguk is a mess and needs to collect himself first, so he
responds with an “okay.”

Taehyung smiles, kissing him firmly on the lips and lingering for a moment before he slips back
through the crowd and disappears.

Jeongguk feels kind of silly just standing there with his hands in his pockets like a lost dog and
decides to wait at the bar when a girl comes up and tries to dance with him. So he waits and drinks
and he’s kind of already drunk, even more so when ten minutes go by and Taehyung still hasn’t
returned. He waits patiently for another five minutes, fingers absentmindedly tracing the edge of
the shot glass.

Fifteen minutes have passed and Jeongguk starts to feel a bit worried, so he decides to go check on
Taehyung just in case he passed out after puking his guts up or something. He makes his way
across the club, eyes peeled for a messy mop of blonde hair and muttering excuse me’s as he
awkwardly side steps around people.

“Tae?” he calls as he enters the bathroom. There’s a guy taking a piss who looks at Jeongguk
strangely as he pushes open the stall doors and peers inside, expecting to find a wasted Taehyung
slumped against the dingy floor, muttering nonsense like he always did when he was shit faced.
“Tae?” he calls again, frowning when he opens the last stall door to find it empty.

Jeongguk chews on the inside of his cheek, the worry turning into slight anxiety. “Uh, did a tall
guy with blonde hair happen to come in?” he asks the stranger awkwardly, who shakes his head in
return.

Jeongguk tries to not freak out too soon and reasons that Taehyung could have left the bathroom
just as he went to find him. So he sets off in search of his boyfriend, who will probably be annoyed
at him for disappearing. But instead of going back towards the main area, Jeongguk takes a left and
continues down the hallway just to be safe. He rounds another corner, eyes adjusting to the
dimness of the hall and-

Jeongguk blinks and then blinks yet again because he’s sure that his eyes must be deceiving him or
he must be more drunk than he had originally thought because surely that can’t be Taehyung
pressing another guy up against the wall and sucking his face off with his hands down the guy’s
pants.

So Jeongguk rubs his eyes and then rubs his eyes yet again. Because surely the guy he kind of, sort
of, maybe head over heels for isn’t jerking a fucking stranger off and surely said stranger isn’t
running his hands through Taehyung’s hair.

And then he chuckles to himself, because that’s impossible. Taehyung would never do that to him.

Jeongguk’s just drunk. Really drunk. That has to be it. Because Taehyung is gorgeous and kind and
has a heart made of fucking gold. He would never betray Jeongguk or do anything to hurt him. He
would never cheat. Never.

“Taehyung?” Jeongguk finds himself calling his lover’s name before he can even stop himself in a
hesitant and soft voice that he’s sure that no one can hear.

But the blonde, who can’t possibly be Kim Taehyung, detaches his lips from the stranger’s neck
and turns his head. His lips are slick and swollen, hair even messier than it had been before. But
it’s not Taehyung. It can’t be.

“Jeongguk,” the familiar baritone voice says his name flatly without a hint of surprise or guilt. It’s
a voice that has been ingrained in Jeongguk’s brain like the alphabet. It’s a voice that Jeongguk
hears carried in every whistle of the wind and heavy sigh. It’s a voice that he couldn’t possibly ever
forget. It’s a voice that is unmistakably, irrevocably, Kim Taehyung’s.

Oh.

The anger comes too quickly for him to register what he’s doing. His body on autopilot, Jeongguk
rushes forward, ripping Taehyung away from the stranger like the seams of a book and pushing
him back before turning around on the guy, lips curled into a snarl. The first time Jeongguk’s fist
connects with the guy’s jaw, he let’s out a sound of surprise as he goes tumbling down to the
ground.

“Shit, dude! What was that for?! If he’s your boyfriend or something, I didn’t know. I-”

The second time Jeongguk’s fist lashes out to hit flesh, it connects with the guy’s nose and he’s
sure that he can hear a sickening crack as bone breaks against his knuckles. The guy cries out
underneath him and Jeongguk knows that he packs a mean punch. He thinks that he can hear
Taehyung yelling at him to stop, but Jeongguk isn’t sure because everything is muffled and all he
can see is red. It paints his vision, his fists and the stranger’s face a beautiful shade of crimson
liquid that feels hot and sticky as he continues to beat the shit out of the piece of shit underneath
him.

Jeongguk prides himself on being level headed and in control in any given situation, but in this
moment, Jeongguk has completely lost it. The guy brings his hands up to protect his face, but
Jeongguk simply starts hitting him in the ribs, the stomach, the side of his head, anywhere his
hands can reach. Blood begins to splatter on the blotchy flooring and Jeongguk feels hyped on
adrenaline and rage.

He touched my Taehyung. He touched my Taehyung. He touched my Taehyung.

The words play on repeat in Jeongguk’s head and he’s glad that there was no more than a few
people in the hallway who had left when the altercation started, because no one wanted to get
involved in that kind of shit. It meant less witnesses to see Jeongguk bash the guy’s head in.
But then hands are roughly pulling him up and it takes a good while to get Jeongguk off of the guy
because the boy is ridiculously strong for someone who just turned twenty. And Jeongguk is
pissed, because who would fucking dare to stop him? So he straightens himself out and swivels
around on his heels, fist already poised to strike the asshole who thought it was a good idea to get
in the way.

“Get the fuck-” Jeongguk stops short because it’s Taehyung.

Taehyung who had been touching someone else. Taehyung who had been kissing someone else.
Taehyung who had another pressed against the wall. His Taehyung.

He’s standing before Jeongguk with fire in his eyes, looking pissed as hell and exasperated at the
same time. “What the fuck are you doing!” he yells, but it doesn’t sound like a question.

It takes a moment for the red to fade to the edges of his vision as Jeongguk comes back to himself,
sweat beading at his forehead and chest heaving. The adrenaline is still rushing though, so he can’t
feel any pain in his split knuckles and his eyes are probably blown black.

Taehyung looks scared and Jeongguk is suddenly reminded that he’s a fucking monster and always
has been.

Dazed, Jeongguk looks back at the slimy bastard who’s rolling around on the ground, agonized
moans muffled by the hand he holds to his mouth and nose to staunch the bleeding. Jeongguk was
pretty sure that he had knocked a tooth in or busted his lip wide open.

As his brain catches up with reality, Jeongguk turns back to Taehyung, dark eyes wide as a deer
caught in between headlights. “What am I doing?” he wheezes. “What am I doing?” he laughs this
time, but nothing is funny about the situation. Jeongguk is starting to feel hysterical and the
laughter bubbles out of him in uncontrollable bursts. “What are you fucking doing!” the
transformation is so sudden that Taehyung recoils in surprise.

“Please tell me this isn’t real,” Jeongguk chokes out. “Please tell me that I completely misread the
situation and that you didn’t just-”

The word sits like acid on Jeongguk’s tongue and he can’t bring himself to say it.
“Cheat on you?” Taehyung fills in the missing space so clearly; effortlessly, and Jeongguk wants to
throw up because the older boy is looking at him with such distaste, a frown marring his perfect
features as if it was Jeongguk who was just sucking some random guy’s face off.

“Yeah, I did. Was probably gonna bring him home and fuck him too.” Taehyung glances past
Jeongguk to the guy who’s still rolling around, half unconscious. He clicks his tongue in
disapproval. “But you had to go and fuck up his pretty face. Thanks for that, by the way.”

Jeongguk flinches, stumbling backwards because the words hit him like a freight train.

His bottom lip trembles. “This isn’t funny, Tae. If this is another one of your pranks, you’re taking
it way too far.”

Taehyung snorts. “A prank? C’mon, babe, I know you’re smarter than that.”

“No,” Jeongguk begins to shake his head frantically. “It’s impossible. You wouldn’t do that to
me.”

“Would I?” Taehyung’s tone is so condescending that Jeongguk shrinks under his gaze.

“Why?” his voice is a wobbly whisper. Jeongguk feels sick. “This isn’t you. You’re not like this. I
know you, Taehyung. You-”

“And what do you know!” Taehyung finally snaps, icy gaze melting into something again to
turbulent rage. “This isn’t me? I would never do such a thing?” he laughs bitterly, voice cracking.
“Do you know how many times I’ve asked myself that about you? Why? Why would Jeongguk lie
to me? Why would he trick me? Why would he hurt me like that? I thought I knew you.”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Tae, what are you talk-”

“I asked myself why everyday. I told myself that you weren’t a bad person and that you couldn’t
possibly do such a terrible thing. I tried to convince myself that you actually wanted me. It’s funny,
right?”
“But I do want you!”

“No you don’t,” Taehyung says with such finality that makes Jeongguk reel in on himself. “You
only wanted me as your new toy, your accessory. Someone to fuck until you got bored and moved
on to some other bitch.”

“Seriously, Taehyung, what are you fucking talking about?” Jeongguk reaches forward with an
outstretched hand but Taehyung is just as quick to move back, shaking his head.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” he snarls. “I found out about your little secret. All the skeletons in your
closet. Ana told me everything,” he says. “She told me how you use people. Hurt them. Cheat. Did
you really think that I wouldn’t find out?”

Jeongguk’s blood runs cold at this revelation, arm dropping lamely to his side. He must look so
pathetic just standing there like a kicked puppy. His heavy breathing isn’t slowing down. It’s
picking up. His chest hurts so fucking much and there’s something clawing at his throat. “D-don’t
believe her,” he attempts to say around his swollen tongue. “S-she lies.”

“How fucking stupid do you think I am, Jeongguk? Huh? You think that I’m just like one of your
dumb bimbo bitches that you manipulate? Wanted to know what it was like to play this game with
a stupid little gay boy with self esteem issues, so you sucked my dick and fucked my ass?”
Taehyung looks absolutely insulted. “Did that sate your curiosity? You gonna go back to fucking
pussy now? Cause all girls with pussies fall for you, right? They’re all wet between the legs for
you.”

“It’s not like that!” Once again, Jeongguk reaches for Taehyung because he’s getting farther away
and that scares the boy, but Taehyung only slaps his hand away harshly.

“I hate you.”

“Don’t say that,” Jeongguk pleads. “Please, don’t say that to me. You don’t mean it.”

Jeongguk feels everything inside of him breaking, the temporary band-aids that had held together
all the cracks and worn down bones all these years peeling away with every malicious word that
comes out of Taehyung’s mouth.
“You promised you would never hurt me,” Taehyung chokes out. “You promised .”

“I’m sorry,” are the only words that leave Jeongguk’s lips to fill the heavy void of splintered hearts
and unspoken I love you’s that neither of them will ever say because all anyone ever does is live
off of broken promises that they can’t ever keep, because that’s exactly what love does, and
Jeongguk regrets every whisper he ever placed against Taehyung’s skin. He’s in too deep and it’s
too late to back out now and Jeongguk is desperately trying to save whatever the hell is left to save.

Jeongguk feels like the world’s biggest fool because here he is, breaking his own damn heart over
a boy with stars in his eyes because of the promises he can’t ever keep even though he knows that
people are a disappointment, and that they always will be. He’s known that since the first time his
father pushed him down the stairs at the tender age of twelve, and he’s known that since his
mother left him to have beer bottles smashed over his head when he was fourteen.

Yeah, people are a fucking disappointment, including himself.

“Does it hurt?” Taehyung asks.

Yes . It hurts. It hurts.

“I hope it does,” he says. “I hope it fucking eats away at you until there’s nothing left.”

Jeongguk chokes back a sob. Taehyung has set a wildfire in his chest and there are trees burning
smoke into his lungs and he can’t fucking breathe. His forest is burning. Taehyung is stripping
everything away from him, torching everything black before slipping away like ash.

He wants to say Taehyung, if you leave me I’m going to die because that’s what it feels like right
now. It feels like Taehyung is committing murder of the soul and Jeongguk wonders if this is what
all of the girls he had destroyed had felt. But every letter has anchored itself to his heart and
punctured a vein or two. They struggle to free themselves of the cruel grip the chains have on
them, the love slipping away from the you , but they don’t even make it out of his lungs. Instead,
he settles for a broken "fuck you, Taehyung" because he’s pitiful and nothing he wants to say will
come out right.

When Taehyung looks at Jeongguk as if he’s really seeing who the boy is for the first time.
Here it is, the moment when Jeongguk is reminded that this love is mortal and that his heart could
never have Taehyung forever. His dark gaze is piercing and unforgiving and his next words that
come out of his mouth are so cold and detached that it hits Jeongguk harder than the close fists of
his father ever could. "No, fuck you , Jeon Jeongguk. I wish I had never met you."

And in that moment, the thin layer of ice that had been holding Jeongguk up for twenty years
breaks and he’s drowning, sinking to the bottom of some cold, dark, and forgotten lake where he
won’t be found until all of his flesh and organs have been picked clean. He breaks, and he doesn’t
even try to stop Taehyung when he turns around and leaves.

Jeongguk doesn’t know how to erase hurt, so he submerges his blood in vodka and five lines of
cocaine that night. He doesn’t know how to erase hurt, so Yoongi has to rub his back as throws up
in the toilet after he stumbles home. He pukes until his gut hurts and his throat and nose sting with
the revolting smell, and he hopes that his feelings for Taehyung are mixed in with it.

Yoongi doesn’t ask what happened that night and Jeongguk doesn’t tell.

Jeongguk doesn’t know how to erase hurt, so he does what he’s best at: he destroys himself
instead.

It’s been a week since Taehyung’s stepped foot outside of his apartment, let alone his room. It’s
been a week since he attempted to reclaim his heart from a pretty raven-haired boy with doe eyes.
It’s been a week since he left Jeongguk standing there in that dim hallway. It’s been a week since
he left Jeongguk. It’s been a week, and things haven’t gotten any easier. In fact, they seem to be
only getting harder.

Taehyung put off telling Jimin for as long as he could. By the time he came home after that night
at the club, Jimin had long been asleep, so he had thrown his lethargic form onto his bed and cried
himself to sleep. The next day, when Taehyung refused to leave his room, he blamed it on the
hangover. Jimin had scolded his friend for drinking too much and made hangover soup before
leaving to go out with Yoongi.

The following Monday, when Taehyung refused to leave his bed yet again, he claimed that he had
come down with a fever. Jimin didn’t question his excuse because it seemed plausible. Taehyung’s
face was swollen and blotchy, his eyes puffy- it really did look like he was sick, even if it was
because he had been crying non-stop for the past two days.

The sunset haired boy had asked if Taehyung wanted him to stay home as well, to which the other
boy had merely given him a weak smile and waved him off.

“Call me if you need me to come home,” Jimin had said.

“I will,” Taehyung rasped out in reply.

When Tuesday came around and the door to Taehyung’s room still remained firmly shut, Jimin
peeked in with a worried frown marring his face.

“Are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?” Jimin asked. “You look awful.”

Taehyung tried to laugh, but the sound came out forced and garbled. “Yeah, I’m good. I’m sure
it’ll go away soon.”

And then it was a Wednesday and the only time Taehyung ever left the room was to go to the
bathroom, but Jimin only ever saw a blur of his friend before he was slipping back into his room
and closing the door, returning to staring at the wall or throwing his blankets over his head and
crying. This is when the excuses stopped working and Jimin knew that something was wrong.

He tried to get Taehyung to open up to him, he really did. He’d knock on the door and ask the
blonde if he wanted to watch a movie or what he wanted to eat for dinner, and Taehyung would
always reply with a muffled “maybe next time” or, “I’m not that hungry.” So Jimin would leave a
bowl of soup or a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches sitting in front of his door. Most of the time,
Taehyung wouldn’t eat it, but would still take it into his room just to please Jimin. He’d sit at his
desk and pick at the bread or move the thick broth around with a spoon. But it’s hard to stomach
anything when Taehyung feels like throwing it back up.

So it’s been a week and Taehyung’s hair is greasy and he smells like shit because he hasn’t fucking
showered. He feels just as dirty as he looks, and his sheets smell a mixture of tears and sweat
because ever since that night, Taehyung felt clammy and sick to his stomach at the mere thought of
the way Jeongguk would taste when their lips met in a clash of teeth and tongue.

Yoongi had begun to come over a lot more often now. The couple usually went out on dates or
lounged in Yoongi’s room, but Taehyung thinks that Jimin is too scared to leave him alone for too
long.
It’s mid afternoon- Taehyung isn’t quite sure though, the days began to blend into one at some
point. But he has to piss really bad and his bladder hurts. So begrudgingly, he opens the door and
sneaks across the hallway. Once he’s relieved himself, he plans on making a break for it to his
room when he hears the soft murmurs of voices from the living room.

“I don’t know what to do, hyung,” Jimin whispers.

Taehyung begins to creep forward bare feet sliding against the solid hardwood floor. His fingers
inch along the wall, stopping just short of peering around the corner, into the living room.

“He hasn’t left his room for a week and he barely eats. I try to get him to open up to me, y’know?
But he just tells me everything is okay with I know that things are not okay. I’ve never seen him
like this, hyung.”

Taehyung’s heart aches, the guilt stabbing at him like needles when he hear the way Jimin’s voice
trembles.

“I’m sure he’ll be ok,” Yoongi tries to reassure his lover, but Taehyung hears the way the elder
doesn’t sound too sure of himself. “Do you have any idea what could have brought this on?”

“After he went to the club with Jeongguk,” Jimin answers. “He started acting really weird and I
haven’t seen Jeongguk come around at all. Do you think something happened between them?
Because the two are practically attached to the hip. There’s no way that Jeongguk would stop
coming over unless they-” Jimin stops short.

“Broke up?” Yoongi fills in.

Silence.

“Yeah,” Jimin mumbles. “What about Jeonguk? Does he seem okay?”

It takes Yoongi moment to respond and Taehyung can practically hear the gears in the elder’s head
turning as he chooses his words carefully. And Taehyung hates it. Taehyung hates how when it
comes down to talking about Jeongguk, the elder always seems to have his answers rehearsed, as if
he’s reading off of a fucking script.
“I don’t know,” Yoongi hesitates. “He honestly hasn’t really been at the frat house at all lately.”

“Where does he go?”

“I dunno. Wish I did though. He’s always gone when I wake up and doesn’t come home till the
crack of dawn- if he even comes back at all.”

Taehyung can imagine that his best friend is probably frowning right now with his eyebrows
knitted together. “I’m worried about both of them.”

“Yeah, me too.”

When the conversation lulls, Taehyung begins to backtrack down the hallway to his room to hide
under his covers and hate himself even more- or Jeongguk even more. This time, though, he
doesn’t cry. He’s too tired for that, which is silly because all Taehyung has done for a week is
sleep his life away and avoid his responsibilities. It only takes a few minutes for his eyelids to
grow heavy and his mind to drift into unconsciousness.

When Taehyung wakes, it’s to his own screams. The sound is ugly and piercing and tears out of his
throat like a banshee. There’s a weight on Taehyung’s chest, pressing him down and he can’t
move. He feels paralyzed, as if some unknown entity is slowly stealing the air from his lungs. His
hands grip the blanket until they turn white and his brain is still not quite in touch with reality.
Still, the scenes flash blindingly before his eyes like a shitty case of PTSD.

Jeongguk smiling at him. Jeongguk saying the three words that Taehyung so desperately wished to
hear. Jeongguk kissing him. It’s all so blissful and beautiful until Jeongguk smile melts away and
there’s a certain coldness in his eyes that leaves the hair on Taehyung’s arms rising. Jeongguk
snarling with pure, unadulterated hatred. Jeongguk pushing him away. Jeongguk jumping off of a
bridge.

Why the fuck is Jeongguk jumping off of a bridge?

The door swings open with such force that the knob creates a crater into the wall as Jimin rushes in,
looking ridiculous in nothing but boxers with a shoe in his hand raised up, poised to strike. And if
Taehyung wasn’t so fucking scared right now, still reeling from the nightmare, he would have
laughed at the site.
“Tae,” Jimin breathes out when he sees his friend as white as a sheet. “Are you okay?” He’s quick
to drop the shoe, crossing the room and put a hand over Taehyung’s sweaty fringe.

And with the feeling of his best friend’s warm hand against clammy skin, concern swimming in his
tired eyes, Taehyung fucking breaks. He sits up, throwing his arms around Jimin’s waist as the
uncontrollable sobs rack his body.

“Tae,” Jimin says again, “what’s wrong, hun?” he awkwardly climbs into the bed, which is
difficult with A Fucking Mess called Kim Taehyung clinging to his waist and tries to comfortably
position himself.

“What’s wrong?” he repeats, stroking at the distraught boy’s head as he cries into Jimin’s chest.
“Please, talk to me, I’m so fucking worried, Tae.”

“H-he-” Taehyung manages to choke out before breaking down even more at just the thought of
Jeongguk.

“Shh,” Jimin hushes. “Tell me what happened, Tae.”

It takes another minute before Taehyung’s able to inhale air into his lungs and find the will to
speak. “I was so stupid, Minnie. I thought that he really liked me. I thought-”

I thought that he loved me.

“Who, Jeongguk?” Taehyung just nods into Jimin’s chest with a pathetic whimper. “He does like
you, TaeTae. What do you mean?”

Taehyung pulls back and rapidly shakes his head, the motion making him feel rather light headed.
He gives a self deprecating laugh, and after a few more tries, he slowly relays the story Jimin.
Taehyung starts from the beginning. He tells his best friend about the texts and reminds him of the
girl who Jimin thought was a jealous ex through broken sobs. He tells Jimin her story and how
Jeongguk had dated her just to embarrass her in front of everyone- says that Jeongguk was going to
do the same to him, voice rising and cracking with anger. Talking about Jeongguk is like a stab in
the heart, more fresh wounds to add to the mind numbing pain. It makes it more real, more
agonizing now that it’s out in the open.
And Taehyung hates it, because he can see Jimin visibly deflate with each word that he manages to
get out through sniffles and stuttering breaths. He knows that Jimin is hurt, not in the way that
Taehyung is hurting, but hurt nonetheless. Because the orange haired boy had thought of Jeongguk
as a friend and had been taken by his seemingly soft and shy nature just as Taehyung had. Jimin
must be feeling just as betrayed.

Snot drips down over his lips and Taehyung wipes it away on the sleeve of his sweater. “Y’know,
when I was younger I thought that there was something incredibly romantic about fighting for the
one you love. Cause you always see that shit in Disney movies with the Prince Charming fighting
for his Sleeping Beauty.”

“But life isn’t like that, is it?” Jimin says rather dismally, something that the blonde isn’t used to.

“Yeah. It’s not. I thought that maybe I should fight for him, but that’s stupid, right? Life isn’t some
cheesy drama and there’s nothing amazing about trying to convince someone to love you back.”

Taehyung’s eyes burn so he begins to rub at them, but the tears are still steadily falling. It’s stupid.
He’s stupid. This is pathetic. He’s pathetic.

Jimin looks like he’s trying to keep his anger in check. Taking a deep breath, he says, “he doesn’t
deserve you at all, Taetae. No one does. You’re far too good for this world.”

Taehyung makes a noise of disagreement. “If I was really that great, he wouldn’t have ever done
this to me. Am I really that pathetic, Minnie?”

“No,” Jimin says firmly. “You’re not pathetic at all, so don’t ever say something like that again,
alright? You’re kind-hearted and smart- you always have been. It’s not your fault that he wasn’t
able to see the galaxies contained inside of you.”

Taehyung just nods dumbly because he’s too fucking tired to protest.

Jimin offers him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’ll be okay, TaeTae. I know it hurts
right now, but one day, this will become just a distant memory of the past that you’ll look back on
while you’re off living your dream. He’ll realize what he’s lost, then. He’ll realize.”
Once again, Taehyung simply nods because he knows that the only thing that Jeongguk lost was
his pride.

“So let’s get you to bed, alright? Tomorrow we’ll get you a shower,” Jimin scrunches up his nose
and Taehyung feels slightly embarrassed, “and we’ll get you to class. How does that sound?”

The blonde stiffens at this. “I don’t think that I can go to class, Jimin.”

“I know, hun. I know. But the world doesn’t stop turning just because we’re sad and things are
hard. If you fall too far behind you’ll lose your scholarship and get put on probation.”

Taehyung knows that his friend is right but he hates it. He knows that life will continue to go on,
no matter how many times his heart breaks. He sighs and Jimin takes that as a sign of mutual
agreement.

“Will you stay with me for tonight at least?” Taehyung mumbles.

Jimin nods. “Of course,” he says, pulling Taehyung down with him and tugging the covers up
over them. Jimin doesn’t seem to mind that his best friend hasn’t showered in a lifetime as he pulls
the blonde closer, chin resting atop his head with Taehyung’s face pressed against Jimin’s chest
and arms wrapped securely around his waist. In Jimin’s arms, Taehyung is quickly to surrender to
the pull of sleep, but this time, there are no bad dreams.

True to his word, Taehyung does attend his classes the following week. It’s hard, because he lives
in a constant state of anxiety, worried that he might bump into Jeongguk. But there’s a sense of
relief knowing that he doesn’t have to take a math class with the boy anymore, because Taehyung
isn’t sure if he can stand being in the same room together without breaking down all over again.

His friends try to take his mind off of things, they really do. Seokjin comes over with the excuse
that he needed to practice for his culinary class, and seeing as Taehyung cannot cook to save his
life, the elder just says that it’s out of convenience. But Taehyung isn’t stupid. He knows that Jimin
had asked Seokjin to keep an eye on him.

Taehyung doesn’t have the energy to stomach anything, but under Seokjin’s ever watchful eyes, he
has no choice. Though he really shouldn’t be complaining, because the elder’s cooking is heaven
and usually melts on his tongue but nothing has ever tasted the same since Jeongguk broke his
heart. It’s like he’s shoving lead and charcoal into his mouth and Taehyung finds himself losing
interest, always pushing around the food on his plate until Seokjin fixes him with a hard stare. He
loses ten pounds within the first month after the break up and the elder flits around him like a
mother hen.

Sometimes he has breakdowns over the menial of things: like when Seokjin had cooked pasta that
would have been nirvana to Taehyung any other day, but that day chewing the strings of pasta took
too much effort and Taehyung had started to cry because why the fuck was it so difficult to
swallow?

“I can make something else,” Seokjin had suggested softly.

“N-no, it’s fine. I’m just- I want to go to bed.”

Any other night, Seokjin would have went on a tangent about how Taehyung needed to take care
of his body, but instead, with pursed lips, he said, “yeah. That’s fine. Call me if you need anything,
alright?”

And Taehyung hated it because his friends were treating him like a fucking baby who couldn’t be
left alone. Whenever Jimin wasn’t around, it was Seokjin; and whenever Seokjin wasn’t around, it
was Jimin. He really couldn’t catch a break. No one spoke about what happened or even mentioned
Jeongguk’s name, and it was as if the boy had never existed in the first place.

But Taehyung misses Jeongguk.

Taehyung misses Jeongguk and it’s stupid because he had always been taught to not miss the ones
that hurt you. He was taught to move on because people like Jeongguk just aren’t worth it. So
Taehyung concludes that there must be something wrong with him, because underneath all the
layers of hurt and anger; he wants Jeongguk to come back to him. It’s a secret that he holds in
between the gaps of his lower ribs, like dying stars waiting to explode.

He’s bitter and everything is kind of painful. Taehyung’s emotions are everywhere but where they
need to be. Just earlier that day he had dropped a bag of hot cheetos on the kitchen floor and
proceeded to cry because those were his favorite cheetos. Jimin had assured the blonde that he
could buy more, but Taehyung had simply yelled that he didn’t want any and locked himself in the
bathroom for thirty minutes.

Too add on to his spiral of self pity, Yoongi had started to come around less and less, until he
stopped coming by altogether. Taehyung hadn’t mentioned anything about it because Jimin never
seemed upset or in any distress about his relationship, but the thought of him being the reason for
his friends’ breakup is like being punched in the gut.

Jimin tries to be patient with his friend; he really does. But Taehyung knows how to push all of the
wrong buttons with uncalled for remarks and he knows that his sadness is draining his best friend.

“Why doesn’t Yoongi hyung come over anymore?” Taehyung asks. They’re lounging on the couch
watching Spongebob because Taehyung wasn’t allowed to be Emo As Fuck in his own room.

Jimin stiffens beside him and it’s a moment before he answers. “I asked him to not come around for
awhile. Just until you start feeling better.”

Taehyung scowls. “What? You thought that I couldn’t handle being around him or something?”

“No,” Jimin says quickly. “It’s nothing like that, Tae. I promise.”

Taehyung frowns. “You guys didn’t...break up, did you?”

Jimin sinks into the couch, running his fingers through his hair with a sigh. “I don’t think so. I
mean, I hope not. We got into an argument- kind of.”

“About what?” Taehyung asks, but he knows exactly what it’s about.

The lovers had fought over him and Jeongguk. Yoongi had always been pretty defensive when it
came to the younger boy, so Taehyung could only imagine how clammed up and upset he had
become when Jimin confronted him about Jeongguk.

“I just said some things I shouldn’t have said,” Jimin says instead.

“You didn’t have to do that for me, Jimin. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”

Jimin clearly thinks otherwise, but holds his tongue. “But you’re my friend.”
“But I didn’t ask you too! You act like I’m so fucking fragile!” Taehyung snaps, irritation rearing
it’s ugly head before Taehyung can stop the words from tumbling out, because this doesn’t make
any sense. None of this does. Yoongi and Jimin practically fucking belonged together and
Taehyung wouldn’t allow himself to get between what they had.

Jimin’s eyes go wide at his friend’s outburst. “Of course I don’t, Tae! It’s just that you-” he pauses,
eyes narrowing into a hard glare, plump lips pressed into a firm line.

Everything is his fault . The realization leaves Taehyung feeling cold and empty.

“Wait, why the fuck am I trying to justify anything that goes on in my relationship to you?” Jimin
stands up suddenly, small hands curled into a fist.

Taehyung immediately regrets everything he said.

“Okay, I’m seriously so fed up with this!” Jimin says sharply. “I am tired of walking like I’m on
eggshells around you, and I definitely do not appreciate the way you’ve been treating me lately.
Like yeah, I get it, dude. What Jeongguk did was shit , absolute shit. But sitting around here
moping won’t change anything and spending sleepless nights bawling your eyes out won’t make
him come back. You made the decision to stand up for yourself and leave Taehyung, fucking stick
with it.”

Taehyung is floored by Jimin’s words. His brutal honesty is staggering because Jimin has never
raised his voice at him in the nine years they’ve been together. It’s like pesticide and Taehyung
knows that Jimin is just trying to destroy all the bad- all the weeds that have planted themselves in
his roots and made a home in his head, reminding him that he was never good enough for
Jeongguk in the first place. And here Park Jimin is, trying to keep his pitiful friend together, but
Taehyung is molded to the couch, letting all the pain fester and grow.

The tears burst forward like water from a dam, spilling down his face. Once upon a time,
Taehyung had thought that if he cried hard enough, he could cry out all the bad that Jeongguk had
left behind. But he can’t and it just hurts even more.

Jimin’s features soften for a moment. “ Oh, Tae . I didn’t mean to raise my voice at you like that.
I’m so sorry. I’m-” His eyes begin to harden again and Jimin disappears across the living room and
down the hallway, only to reappear moments later, shrugging into a jacket.
“Wuh-where are you going?” Taehyung asks, drying his eyes as he attempts to get his emotions
under control.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Jimin mutters, more to himself than anything as he puts on his
shoes. “I’m going to fucking murder that fake piece of shit .”

“Jimin?”

“I’ll be right back, Tae.” Jimin shoots him a strained smile, and before the blonde can respond, his
friend practically rips the front door off it’s hinges and storms out with intention in mind.

“I got dumped,” Jeongguk says the moment Yoongi walks into their room, backpack slung over his
shoulder.

The elder raises a brow at the younger who is sprawled out like a starfish on the floor as he stares
blankly at the ceiling. He carelessly drops his bag to the ground, stepping over Jeongguk’s leg to
sit on his bed.

“Yeah?” Yoongi inquires, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his jacket.

“Yeah,” Jeongguk breathes.

The elder is in the process of cupping his hand around the lighter as he attempts to light the stick
that sits in between his lips when he pauses and glances at his friend. “Wait, you’re being serious?”

“Yeah,” the younger simply repeats.

Yoongi inhales too sharply, choking on the smoke that shoots down to his lungs. He pulls the
cigarette out of his mouth, face red as he attempts to collect himself. “Taehyung broke up with
you?” he splutters.
“Taehyung broke up with me,” Jeongguk confirms.

Yoongi clears his throat before saying, “what happened? You never get dumped.”

“He found out,” Jeongguk says sourly. “He found out and jerked off a guy right in front of me for
some shitty revenge.”

It’s been three days since Taehyung left Jeongguk’s heart shattered into a million pieces. It’s funny
how it only took Taehyung saying a few words for the boy to spiral back into bad habits. It only
took a guy with tan skin and mellifluous laughter leaving him to open the flood gates and spill the
poison right back into his veins. It’s pathetic.

Fucking pathetic.

“Are you okay?” Yoongi asks, and the question is obvious because Jeongguk looks higher than a
kite right now and he’s still kind of drunk. How many lines did he snort again? Two? Three?
Maybe four? Jeongguk wasn’t sure, but what he did know was that it gave him the courage to
finally tell his friend, something that he’d never had done sober.

Today Jeongguk feels bold enough to speak and numb enough for it to not hurt as much when he
says his former lover’s name.

“He made me feel like I was something worth loving,” he says with quipped laughter of bitterness
at the end. “He made me feel like I wasn’t a monster.”

“You’re not a monster,” Yoongi says softly. “You’re not a monster, Guk.”

“But I am,” Jeongguk wets his lips. “I don’t know how to do anything but ruin everything I have.”

“You still have me, brat.”

Jeongguk wonders how long that will last, because he just had Taehyung three days ago. Because
Taehyung had peeled away his layers to find something grotesque. Because how can Jeongguk
have anyone when his personality is water that fills any container the people around him want?
How can anyone be there for the boy with bruised knees with a door to his heart that only swings
into hell? How can anyone be there for a boy who has an affair with cocaine, who chokes bottles of
piss tasting beer by the neck like a lifeline?

So Jeongguk tells himself, no, he does not have Yoongi. He doesn’t have anyone. He shuts himself
in that hell inside of him and puts what little pieces that remain of his heart into a cage- throws a
drape over it so that he’ll never have to look at it again. So that he won’t be tempted to open it back
up.

It’s better this way, he tells himself, but says “thank you, hyung” just to appease the elder. It’s
better that nobody knows what’s going on in his head anyways.

It’s better that no one knows that his sadness is hollow and Jeongguk doesn’t know what’s worse.
Sometimes, the empty spaces in the confines of his rib cage is like a shell, swollen heart holding in
a thousand oceans of tears. Sometimes though, it holds a thousand pieces of glass that are wedged
in between his soul and body. That’s the pain.

Sometimes, he is somebody, somebody in pain and sadness. But sometimes he is nobody, and
Jeongguk wonders if he really even exists at all, because people aren’t supposed to be this empty.
This broken.

Jeongguk doesn’t know what the fuck is going on with himself, because days blend into weeks,
which blend into months, and Jeongguk is always losing track of time. He’s drunk. He’s high;
strung out. Blacking out too much. Sleeping too little. Swallowing too many sleeping pills on
occasion because he couldn’t see straight and counting each little blue tablet hurt his fuzzy brain,
so he’d take a handful and pray that it was just the right amount.

Sometimes his guess was a little off, so he’d wake up on the bathroom floor with his body feeling
heavy, tongue thick in his mouth as he’d mutter incoherent words to himself. But then he’d quickly
realize that his slurring was from the alcohol that still coursed in his veins and he’d laugh at
himself for a solid minute or two.

Get up. Take another two lines. Down a few shots of the soju he hid underneath his bed. Go to
class feeling like he was on top of the world before crashing from his high thirty minutes into his
professor’s monotonous lecture and feeling like absolute shit. He’d wash away the bitter taste of
lost love by kissing other girls and fucking them. Rinse and repeat.

But since Jeongguk met Taehyung the high never quite felt right. It never felt right because his
new poison had been chocolate eyes and he had quickly become addicted to the way love was
spelled against Taehyung’s lips. Jeongguk hates him for that. He hates the fact that he had to down
four bottles of soju just to get the same feeling again- the same rush.

So maybe if he snorts enough, drinks enough, and fucks enough- Kim Taehyung will become just
another name lost in the pages of an old book that has collected dust. But Jeongguk can’t, because
he has seven thousand ways to tell a former lover who he hasn’t seen in months that he still
remembers the way their hands fit perfectly together. He has two thousand more ways to tell
Taehyung that he still remembers the way he’d lose his breath when their gazes met, because
Taehyung had an entire land that Jeongguk had never seen before inside those beautiful pair of
eyes that imprisoned the sweetness of saccharin chocolate. How can Jeongguk forget a man like
that? How can Jeongguk forget someone like Taehyung?

Because Taehyung is his hiraeth; a home that the boy has never had.

So yeah, it still hurts.

It hurts, but here he is, curled up onto his bed at 2 p.m. while Yoongi’s in class, cheap soju in hand,
looking through old photos of Taehyung, knowing how they would sting. Yet he still looks on,
because at least he felt something for once; even if it was gut wrenching, heartbreaking pain; it was
something.

Jeongguk should delete the pictures, he really should. They’re a haunting reminder of what he’s
lost- of what was never his in the first place. But Jeongguk can’t bring himself to let go. He can’t.

The hour passes, and the boy works on sobering himself before the day classes let out. Luckily, he
had discipline that morning and hadn’t drank too much to begin with- just enough to keep the buzz
going.

When Yoongi does return, he simply glances at him before looking away quickly. The elder hadn’t
been able to look Jeongguk in the eyes for awhile now. Their conversations were always strained;
fleeting. It was obvious that Jeongguk was back on the shit he had promised his friend that he
wouldn’t take again, they both knew it. But it was always left at that, and there was always so
many words left unsaid. So many conversations that they should be having but always danced
around at the edges, neither willing to take the leap.

It was better that way, Jeongguk thought; it was better to be distant like this.
“Did you not go to class today again ?” Yoongi asks, stretching the last syllable.

“I did,” Jeongguk lies. “I went to my first two.”

“You can’t be doing that,” Yoongi reprimands, disapproval rolling off his tensed shoulders in
waves. “You’re already falling behind, kid.”

Jeongguk just shrugs. “I’m smart. I’ll catch up in no time, hyung.”

Yoongi opens his mouth to speak, but then quickly snaps it shut, suddenly interested in folding the
clean laundry that he had lazily dumped onto his bed the night before. Yoongi never folds laundry.
Jeongguk can see the way the elder grinds his teeth together by the clench of his defined jawline.

But still, Yoongi doesn’t say anything. He never does.

The silence is heavy and slightly awkward. It had been ever since Jeongguk started using again,
but most of the time he’s too high to care. This time though, he’s a bit too sober for this. He’s a bit
too sober when there’s a sharp knock on the door and Yoongi moves across their small room in a
quick, few strides to open it.

The elder freezes and Jeongguk notices the way that his grip on the door knob tightens. “Jimin,” he
breathes out.

Jeongguk feels his heart drop.

He hadn’t seen Jimin in months, hadn’t even attempted to contact the guy. And Jeongguk knew
that Jimin knew because the moment Taehyung walked out of his life, so had his orange haired
counterpart. But the worst part was that Jimin hadn’t left a storm behind. He had left in silence: no
angry phone call, no texts telling the younger that he was a piece of shit, no nothing.

“Is Jeongguk here?” Jimin asks, tone quipped.

Jeongguk wants Yoongi to say no, because he’s not ready to face his former friend. He’s not ready
to face anyone, really.
“So, you basically tell me to fuck off for weeks only to knock on my door and demand to see
Jeongguk,” the elder replies with dry sarcasm.

“I need to see him, hyung.”

Yoongi seems unsure, hovering over the door for another moment. But in his impatience, Jimin
peers over the elder’s shoulder, his eyes scanning the room before he spots a wide eyed Jeon
Jeongguk.

Before Yoongi can stop him, Jimin is pushing past him and marching towards Jeongguk with
blazing eyes. “You!” he snarls.

Jeongguk swallows. He’s never seen Jimin angry before. His taut form exuded an animosity that
was like acid - burning, slicing, potent. It wasn’t like fire that burned like wildfire, but it was cold
rage like impenetrable ice.

“Hey,” he mutters lamely.

“Don’t you fucking hey me.”

Jimin is a storm of five foot six with muscular thighs and windswept hair, and Jeongguk is a
receding wave not ready to fight back. Underneath Jimin’s glare that penetrates his thin veins and
caged heart, Jeongguk feels so small. He is an ant and Jimin looks ready to step on him.

“How could you do that, Jeongguk? Huh?”

Jeongguk wasn’t ready for this, but he wasn’t ready for Taehyung to leave either. He’s never ready
and life is never willing to wait for him.

“How could you hurt Tae like that?” the question is a growl that seems more like a demand.

And Jeongguk doesn’t know. He doesn’t know why he hurt the love of his life- and that’s the
worst part about it. There’s no because I was bored, hyung or he was just a game. Jeongguk
doesn’t have an explanation for why he does the things he does. He doesn’t know why he’s so self
destructive and secretive, or why he pushes people away. He doesn’t know why he can’t just talk
about his problems or why letting people in scares him. He doesn’t fucking know, so he just
answers with a pathetic “I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t mean to?” Jimin looks exasperated. “How the hell did you not mean to hurt him like
that? How the fuck did you not mean to stick your dick inside someone else!” He’s yelling now,
vein bulging out of the side of his neck.

Yoongi decides to step in at that moment, pushing firmly at Jimin’s chest. “Okay, I think that’s
enough. You need to leave.”

Jimin shakes him off and points an accusing finger at Jeongguk. “You’re a piece of shit. I thought
we were friends. I thought you were genuine. I thought you were a good kid. I thought- I thought-”
the older boy looks on the verge of tears.

You’re a piece of shit.

Worthless.

Not even your own mother wanted you.

You’re no son of mine.

It’s words that Jeongguk has familiarized himself with because he had been born with ‘worthless’
tattooed on his forehead. It’s words that have since long ago etched themselves onto Jeongguk’s
skin in the form of long forgotten scars and former broken bones. He’s used to it by now. But why-
why does it make the boy feel sick coming from Jimin? He should be over it. He should be over it.

“Okay seriously, I won’t let you talk to Jeongguk like that.” Yoongi looks pissed. “I understand
that what he did is wrong, but Taehyung isn’t the only one fucking hurting, asshole .”

Jimin’s jaw drops. “Did you just-”

“I didn’t cheat on him,” Jeongguk says in a wobbly voice. “I didn’t cheat.”

Tearing his attention away from the fact that his sort-of-boyfriend just called him an asshole, Jimin
fixes the boy with another glare. “Yeah? Cause that’s not what I heard,” he sneers.

“I didn’t. I promise, hyung. I promise ,” Jeongguk is practically pleading now, eyes wide and teary.

“You seem to be breaking a lot of promises already, Jeongguk.”

The younger flinches. Jimin’s words are like salt rubbed onto his already bleeding wounds. Jimin
no longer says his name with warmth and tenderness. There’s no lingering affection or cute eye
smiles. No, all the customary warmth from his eyes are gone faster than the summer rain on
tarmac. Jimin is cold and unforgiving and Jeongguk realizes that he’s the one who’s made a boy
who is usually sweeter than fucking candy like this.

It’s all his fault.

“I love him,” he says and the words hurt, because they’ve never been spoken out loud before. “I
love him and maybe that’s why I broke his heart- because I don’t deserve him.”

Jimin frowns. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Don’t you get it, hyung?” Jeongguk let’s out a self deprecating laugh. “I mean, look at me.
Someone like me with someone like him ? It’s like the world played a shitty joke on me, yeah?”

And Jimin does look. He really looks and Jeongguk knows that his former friend is taking in the
way the boy is shaking. He’s taking in his greasy hair, prominent eye bags and sunken cheeks and
once again, Jeongguk is hit with the feeling of being so fucking small and insignificant.

Yoongi, whom had been ready to kick the orange haired boy out of the room just a minute ago,
stands in silence with his arms crossed and small lips pressed into a thin line.

Jeongguk must really look as pathetic as he feels because Jimin seems to decide to take pity on
him, glare softening into something more familiar.
“You don’t hurt the people you love, Jeongguk,” Jimin says, but he no longer sounds angry, just
exhausted. “You just don’t do that.”

“That’s all I know how to do,” Jeongguk responds.

“How do you know you love him?” Jimin asks.

“Because,” Jeongguk starts, “I feel so empty without him. It feels like I’m suffocating and as the
days go on, nothing gets easier. Nothing. There’s never a day that I forget his absence. There’s
never a moment of quiet where I can simply just breathe , because it’s always there. That huge,
gaping hole in my chest that he left is always there.”

And it’s the fucking truth. Ever since Taehyung left, it was like Jeongguk had been holding his
breath under water, only to come up for short gasps of air that burned his lungs before disappearing
underneath the cold, unforgiving waves of the sea.

“I’m-” Jimin looks conflicted and for a moment, Jeongguk isn’t sure if the older boy believes him,
but then he sighs and the tension visibly leaves him. “I’m sorry.” And he really does look sorry;
Jimin looks guilty. “I really should have heard your side before going off on you like that.”

Jeongguk forces a smile. “I would have reacted the same way. It’s okay, hyung.”

Nothing is okay.

“Maybe you should talk to Tae,” Jimin suggests.

At this, Jeongguk goes rigid. “I can’t.”

“I agree with Jimin,” Yoongi speaks up, taking a step forward. He no longer looks ready to throw
the orange haired boy out, just concerned. “You can’t avoid this forever, kid. You gotta stop
running at some point.”
But Jeongguk doesn’t want to stop running. He wants to run until his legs give out and he
collapses, and then he’ll start fucking crawling.

“I’m just not ready,” the younger mutters lamely.

“You’ll never be ready at this rate,” Yoongi says. “We’re not gonna force you too, but it’s
something to take into consideration. Clearly you two have a lot of misunderstandings to clear up.”

Jeongguk just shrugs.

“I should probably start heading back,” Jimin announces and then laughs nervously. “I kinda just
stormed out because I was mad about- well you know. Tae’s probably wondering where the hell I
am.”

“I’ll walk you,” Yoongi suggests a little too quickly.

Jimin stares at him for a moment before slowly nodding. “Y-yeah, that’s fine.” He moves to step
out the door, pausing to throw one last troubled glance at the younger. “If you need anything, you
know that you can call me, right? We’re friends, Guk. Okay? You can tell me anything.”

And Jeongguk just nods and says, “thanks, hyung.”

Jeongguk doesn’t plan on talking to Taehyung. What he does plan on is avoiding his ex for the rest
of his life and pretending that he didn’t get his heart broken by drowning his misery in tequila and
vodka and all that hard shit. What he doesn’t plan on is being crossfaded out of his fucking mind
and standing in front of Taehyung’s apartment complex on a weekday in nothing but a t-shirt and
jeans.

Avoiding Taehyung was clearly doing Jeongguk well, but his friends’ words bounced off the walls
of his conscience all day and it only took five hours of non-stop drinking and an extra line of
cocaine to make him finally give in.

Walking up five flights of stairs while the world is spinning in circles is hard and Jeongguk isn’t
quite sure why he didn’t just take the elevator. But he’s kind of, sort of, really drunk and the
amount of times he’s tripped and cut his arm on the edge of a step or fell against the handrail and
almost went tumbling down four stories to his death doesn’t deter him one bit.

It’s not the blood that is slowly oozing out of the minor cut or his banged knees that kill his
courage, no. He’s banging on room 503 slurring out Taehyung’s name and some other things that
he can’t quite remember because his mouth is running ahead of his brain. What does kill
Jeongguk’s courage is when a very irritated looking Taehyung swings the door open and Jeongguk
practically falls flat on his face, but still manages to have the reflex to grip the door frame and save
himself the embarrassment.

There was nothing like reuniting with your ex after a couple of months by collapsing into his
apartment.

Taehyung’s eyes widen in surprise and Jeongguk just stares. There’s a long stretch of silence
because neither of them know what to say, but then the emotions seem to drain out of the older
boy’s face.

“Jeongguk,” he says curtly, hardly a greeting.

Jeongguk had come here with a plan but now after seeing the boy he loves after all these months,
he’s suddenly reminded of every beautiful thing he had missed and his mind is blank. Even in
pajamas with messy hair, Taehyung still manages to look breathtaking. He still manages to make
Jeongguk stupid.

“What are you doing here?” he asks rigidly. “It’s two in the fucking morning and thirty degrees
out. What the hell are you wearing?”

How do you tell someone that you destroyed that you still love them without breaking them down
even further? Jeongguk doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how to tell Taehyung that he needs him
and without him, Jeongguk is dried and cracked earth and his lands are barren and every piece that
anyone tries to pick up of him fucking crumbles. He doesn’t know how to tell Taehyung that he
misses the simple things like holding hands and butterfly kisses. Jeongguk just doesn’t know how
to explain the fact that he still has all of their text messages- all 6,874 of them, or how he can never
bring himself to delete all of their pictures because there’s always a voice whispering at the back of
his head, saying I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget.

How- how do you tell someone who’s better off without you that you don’t want to let them go?
Jeongguk wonders if there’s a book somewhere out there that’ll teach him how to let people go
because he doesn’t know how to.

“I-” Jeongguk hiccups. “I luh-love you.”

And it’s not the way Jeongguk wanted to say it- looking about ready to fall over and pass out. It’s
not how Jeongguk wanted to say it, but it’s probably the most honest he’s ever been with the boy
he’s still pining after.

“You’re drunk,” Taehyung says, and Jeongguk hates how tired and defeated he sounds. “Go home,
Jeongguk.”

But just as he moves to close the door, Jeongguk’s lashes an arm out and he places a firm palm
against it, stumbling forward as he does so.

“Wait!” he shouts a little too loudly. “Wait, Tae. Puh-please list’n to me. Can’t we jus’ talk? Tae-”

“Don’t,” the anger dancing along the edges of his tone isn’t as translucent as he’d like it to be.
“Don’t call me that anymore. You lost that right the moment you decided that I was just a fucking
joke.”

Jeongguk gapes in horror at his words. “Yuh-yer’ not a fuhking joke. Tae, I-

“How can you do that?” Taehyung cuts off his drunken pleading and Jeongguk doesn’t think that
the dozens of girls he’s broke equates to emotions reflected in the older boy’s eyes. “Tell me,
Jeongguk, how?”

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me how,” he takes a shaky breath, “you can shut off your emotions like that? Tell me how
you can come into people’s lives, make them fall in love with you and just leave without feeling
anything?” He smiles bitterly. “Tell me how, so when I let you go, it’ll be just as easy for me as it
is for you.”

“D-dun let m-me go,” Jeongguk slurs. “‘m s-sorry, Tae. Suh-so sorry.”
Don’t leave me, he wants to say. I’m so fucking in love with you. You are my sun and moon and
without you I am nothing. But he’s too wasted and the words won’t come out properly, and
Jeongguk wants to tear his hair out because none of this is easy for him. None of this was ever
fucking easy.

Taehyung’s bottom lip quivers. “You made your choice. It wasn’t me. Stop looking at me like
you’re trying to figure out a way to undo all of the bad, because you can’t, Jeongguk. You’re like a
bad dream that I can’t seem to wake up from, and-” his breath hitches. “And I don’t think I can
ever forgive you. Everytime I look at you, I’m reminded of the fact that I could never make you
love me and I feel so stupid for ever trusting you. So just-” Taehyung takes a deep breath. “Just
leave me alone.”

Jeongguk doesn’t say anything; even when the door slams shut in his face after Taehyung mutters
“I don’t ever want to see you again.” He simply stands there in his drunken misery. Jeongguk was
sure that his soul had loved Taehyung in another life; and maybe that’s why he couldn’t have him
in this one.

It’s cold, really cold. Jeongguk is shivering- he thinks. He’s not quite sure though because the
adrenaline is rushing through his system faster than ever and Taehyung’s words have left his ears
ringing and Jeongguk just needs to sit the fuck down because now everything is spinning too fast.
So he leans against the opposite wall and slides down, legs spread out and arms dangling limply at
his sides.

A part of him wishes that Taehyung would open the door and let him crash on the couch out of
pity, and maybe they’d talk about everything in the morning and clear up their misunderstandings
and spend the rest of the day watching Star Wars like they used to. And it’s stupid, because
Jeongguk knows that at this point he should never have hope; he should never fantasize about the
what if’s , but if Taehyung wanted the younger to set himself on fire just so he could watch him
burn, Jeongguk realizes that he wouldn’t say no.

Jeongguk doesn’t know how long he sits there, staring at the door. He doesn’t care either. He
doesn’t care about much about anything anymore, really. He stares at the ground until the click of
the door opening echoes through the narrow hall and then there’s a pair of slippers within his line
of sight.

“Christ, Gukkie.”

It’s not Taehyung. It’ll never be.

“What the fuck are you doing out here?”

Jeongguk tears his gaze from the stupid, fluffy green house slippers and looks up to find Jimin
staring down at him with a frown.

“It’s you,” Jeongguk mutters.

Jimin looks at him in disbelief. “Oh my god, how much did you have to drink?” He leans down to
sniff at the younger boy before reeling back and glaring. “You’re so fucking wasted. I’m calling
Yoongi.”

“Nuh,” Jeongguk attempts to slap Jimin’s hand away when the older boy pulls out his phone and
begins to scroll through his contacts. “I’m fuh-fine.” He really doesn’t want to deal with his friend
right now. Jeongguk rests his palms flat against the wall and forces himself up, swaying as he does
so.

Jimin instantly reaches out to steady him. “I really don’t think you should be going anywhere right
now, dude.”

Jeongguk shakes him off. “I can get home myself!” he snaps.

“Fine.” Jimin looks fed up, nostrils flaring. “But I’m still calling Yoongi. If you’re not back at the
frat house in twenty minutes, I’m telling Namjoon.”

Jeongguk merely mutters something unintelligible in response before making his way down the
hall with Jimin watching him the entire way. This time, he decides to take the elevator.

By some unfathomable miracle, Jeongguk does make it back to the frat house- not before
slamming into brick walls and tripping over trash cans along the way, of course. He’s not sure
what time it is at this point, but it must be late, seeing as the moment he walks in, the house of fifty
boys is all too silent.

So by Jeongguk’s logic, this makes his thoughts a hundred times louder, which in turn, starts to
piss him off. At this point, the boy is praying to whatever based god there is out there that Jimin
really hadn’t texted Yoongi and he would be out like a light, but of course, luck has never been on
his side.
The moment Jeongguk opens the door, he is faced with a very pissed off Min Yoongi perched atop
the ledge of the windowsill, cigarette in hand. He’s smoking like a chimney with sharp, angry
drags. The filter is clenched too tightly in the elder’s fingers and he’s blowing out the smoke with
much more force than necessary.

Jeongguk tries to play it cool and seem less drunk- keyword here: tries . Because as soon as
Jeongguk takes a few steps forward, he staggers and trips over himself. And yeah, he’s sprawled
out on the ground and now Yoongi has the cigarette filter clenched between his front two teeth.

“Hyung!” he tries to sound sharp and attentive, but it’s more of a drunken shout and Yoongi
flinches.

“Jesus fucking christ , Jeongguk,” is all Yoongi manages to say because he looks far too
exasperated right now and just as done with the younger boy as Jimin had been earlier. “What is
going on?”

“Nothin’. ‘m just chillin’.”

Jeongguk knows that he must look like a complete idiot, lying on the ground with bloodshot eyes
and a dopey smile on his face. He can’t bring himself to really care though and he’s a hundred
percent sure that the ground underneath him is alive because it won’t stop fucking moving.

Yoongi crushes the end of his stick to the glass ashtray. “It’s 3 a.m on a Tuesday and you’re out
drinking. Seriously, Jeongguk. What the fuck are you doing with your life?”

Jeongguk laughs this time. “Live a little, hyung.”

“Are you really telling me that right now, kid?” Yoongi glares down at him in disbelief. “You’re
the dumbass who’s throwing away your life right now. So why don’t you live a little, eh?”

A surge of anger pushes past the haze of alcohol and Jeongguk sits up a little too quickly, swaying
as he does so before he rights himself.

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” he snaps. The fire is there, simmering just beneath the
surface, barely contained. Jeongguk expects Yoongi to be smart. He expects the elder to back off
the way he always does when it comes to this kind of confrontation. Jeongguk expects him to call
him an asshole before clamping his mouth shut and going for a walk to cool off and give them both
some space.

But today is full of surprises for a very drunk Jeon Jeongguk because his friend does the exact
opposite.

“I’m telling you to stop this!” Yoongi snaps back with just as much animosity. “Stop feeling sorry
for yourself. Stop running away from your problems. Stop drinking. Stop getting fucking high .
Just- stop it.”

But the problem is that Jeongguk doesn’t want to stop, because stopping means turning around and
facing the truth. Stopping means twisting the lid off of old memories and digging out emotions that
have practically disappeared into the earth and Jeongguk will never be ready for that.

“I don’t give a shit!” the younger boy’s expression twists into a sneer as he balls his fists, hands
digging crescents into his palms.

“Why? Why don’t you care?”

Jeongguk hates how controlled Yoongi’s tone is. He hates the way that the disappointment and
rage swims in his brown orbs and how his friend looks like he’s physically trying to restrain
himself from exploding and saying the wrong thing.

“It doesn’t matter.” Jeongguk shrugs, trying to play it cool when he’s clearly not chill about
anything that is being said. “Nothing really matters.”

“That’s the thing about you,” Yoongi says, “you’re afraid to live but not to die.”

Jeongguk let’s out a self deprecating laugh.”And what makes you think that? What makes you
think you know me so fucking well, huh?”

“You aren’t as complex as you make yourself out to be Jeon Jeongguk.” Yoongi sighs rather
bitterly. “Your eyes; they haven’t looked the same since he left.” He seems to want to move
forward to comfort the seething boy, to put a hand on his shoulder maybe, but he doesn’t. Instead,
the elder rocks back and forth on his heels, tongue held in between his teeth. “But you can’t keep
doing this to yourself. You just can’t.”
The younger fumbles for an answer, mouth opening only for the words to get stuck and float in his
lungs like rising mud. And Jeongguk thinks that maybe Yoongi’s right; maybe he wants to die.

“Why?” it’s the only lame defiant question that Jeongguk can think of. “Why can’t I?”

“Because it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to Nams, or Hobi, or even Jimin. It’s not fair to Ta-”

“Don’t,” Jeongguk cuts off, voice dangerously low. “Don’t you dare fucking say his name hyung,
or I swear to fucking god.”

But today, Yoongi doesn’t look ready to back down from a challenge. He looks resolute and a
hundred percent done with dancing atop wires.

“...and it’s not fair to Taehyung.”

“Fuck you!” Jeongguk spits, jumping to his feet so quickly that he almost falls back over. “Fuck
you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

“Don’t talk to me like that. You have no right to speak to me that way.” Yoongi’s voice is rising
now, nostrils flaring. He’s hanging on to whatever composure he has by a thread and Jeongguk
knows this. He knows this and tugs even harder at the frayed string.

“I hate you,” the younger blurts because it’s the most hurtful thing he can think of in his unstable
state. The tears are glazing over his already bloodshot eyes, but Jeongguk refuses to let them fall.
He hasn’t cried since Taehyung left.

Yoongi’s eyes widen a fraction before they narrow. “You’re so fucking selfish Jeongguk, and you
know what? I’m so fucking fed up with your immature bullshit.”

Jeongguk should pat himself on that back because he’s really done it this time and the elder is free
falling, all that suppressed rage spilling over and crashing into the boy like a tidal wave.
“Do you ever stop to think about someone other than yourself?” Yoongi’s yelling now, something
that Jeongguk has never seen before. “Do you ever stop to think about what it is exactly that you’re
doing to people? To me?” Yoongi takes a step forward and then another until he’s jabbing a finger
into Jeongguk’s chest. “I warned you. I fucking warned you the day you started fucking around
with Taehyung, didn’t I? But you didn’t listen to me because you’re the great Jeon fucking
Jeongguk and nothing I can say or do will ever get through to you! So yeah, do whatever you want.
Fuck whoever you want.”

Jeongguk doesn’t want anyone else but Taehyung.

“Get high whenever you want.”

He hates it.

“And drink yourself into an early grave for all I fucking care.”

Maybe he will.

“I’m done being treated like shit, Jeongguk. I’m done. Because no matter what anyone does, it’ll
never be good enough.” And Yoongi really does look done. He looks tired and haggard and most
of all, he looks hurt.

Jeongguk wants to tell the elder that it isn’t that he isn’t good enough, it’s that the younger isn’t
worthy enough to have someone like Min Yoongi as a best friend. It’s that Jeongguk kind of really
fucking hates himself, so he’d rather destroy any good thing that comes his way- because he works
in extremes like that. He wants to break down and be the kid that he was never allowed to be and
tell Yoongi that he doesn’t know how to let people care about him because the only person in his
that had ever cared before was dead. He doesn’t know how to tell Yoongi that he’s tired and that
sometimes he wishes he would never wake up and those kind of thoughts don’t even scare him
anymore.

So Jeongguk doesn’t. He doesn’t tell the grumpy guy with a kind heart that this isn’t just simple
heartbreak. Jeongguk doesn’t tell the elder that he’d never known what a home felt like before until
he met the little rag tag of seven boys, or that losing Taehyung brought him back to the day he was
fourteen and watched his mother be put in a casket and covered by dirt.

“Then leave,” he says instead, even though his mind is screaming please don’t leave me alone. I
 don’t want to be alone.

Yoongi stiffens. “I’m going to stay at Jimin’s for a couple of days. Come find me when you decide
to stop being shitty.”

And then the elder is angrily stuffing whatever clothes he can reach into his bag before pushing
past Jeongguk and slamming the door. It echoes. It echoes and punches Jeongguk square in the
chest so hard that he has no choice but to collapse on the floor, and he’s right back where he
started.

Alone.

He’ll always be alone.

Chapter End Notes

This was supposed to be the end, but it's getting a lot longer than expected.
 You Found Me
Chapter Summary

When you love someone, you say their name different. Like it’s safe inside your
mouth.

Chapter Notes

Okay wow, I'm sorry that this took a couple of weeks to post. I wrote a lot over
Christmas break, but then college started back up and I've been working a lot to save
up money for a plane ticket for the Wings concert in Newark. But here it is, finally,
the last part. 30k words of heartbreak and tears. Thank you all for making it this far
with me and I hope that this doesn't disappoint.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Yoongi said that he would stay with Jimin for a couple of days, but Jeongguk isn’t sure how long
it’s exactly been. When you’re constantly hammered and going through shitty episodes of mental
breakdowns (because the coke that Jeongguk had snorted at some shady party might have been
laced with meth) the last thing you’re concerned with is time.

Maybe it’s been three days or a week or two. Fuck, Jeongguk can’t remember is it’s Saturday or
Wednesday half of the time. It doesn’t matter anyway, because Jeongguk hasn’t been back home or
anywhere near school. He’d hooked up with a few girls who lived off of campus, sleeping his
hangover and cocaine crashes off during the morning before waking up midday and hitting up
bars and clubs till 3a.m.

Sometimes though, Jeongguk would lose time in a way that really freaked him out. Some of his
highs didn’t go too well and he’d wake up in in the McDonald’s parking lot without a shirt, or if it
was really bad he’d have a lapse in consciousness before waking up on the old train tracks, feeling
like there were spiders crawling underneath his skin.

This time though, he doesn’t wake up shirtless and disoriented with a killer hangover. When
Jeongguk’s senses come back to him again he’s in the back alley off some club on his hands and
knees with cock in his mouth, and he realizes that he must have lost around seven hours or so of
time because it’s pitch black out and unbearably cold.

“Ah, fuck!” the nameless guy he’s giving a blowjob to tightens his grip on Jeongguk’s hair so
painfully that it burns.

It’s not the first time Jeongguk has ended up in this kind of situation. When he wasn’t waking up
shirtless in the parking lot of fast food joints, he was waking up in rather compromising positions.
But it was no longer with hot chicks bouncing on him like some fantasy from a stereotypical porno.
At one point, it had been a greasy man with fat fingers, twenty years older than him pulling
Jeongguk’s pants down and trying to fuck him on a park bench where he’d been past out on. The
boy had been lucky to wake up that time though and had punched the fat fuck square in the face.

Sometimes he’s not as lucky though, and Jeongguk guesses this is one of those times. But he just
assumes that it was consensual and that in his delirious and fucked up state, Jeongguk had wanted
it. He wanted it, right? Because any other implication of the boy being taken advantage of and
forced to suck dick in the back of an alley is called rape, but that’s impossible because Jeongguk is
muscular enough to take out a legion of greasy cunts and being taken advantage of would make
him weak.

Jeongguk likes sex. He sleeps around alot so he should like this. Fucking is as natural as breathing
to Jeongguk and this is nothing knew. It’s nothing new but he doesn’t like this.

He’s choking on dick in the back of some damp alley that smells like shit and he doesn’t even
know how the fuck he got there in the first place and it’s not the thought of Taehyung leaving that
makes him cry, or the disappointment reflected in Yoongi and Jimin’s eyes.

It’s the fact that here he is, on his hands and knees for some stranger in a back alley and he doesn’t
even know how he got here that makes him break down.

Jeongguk sobs, but with dick in his mouth it sounds more like a moan.

“You take my cock so well you little bitch. You like that? You like sucking me off like the dirty
whore you are?”

No, he doesn’t. Jeongguk hates it and his throat burns and being called dirty only makes him cry
even more.

He squeezes his eyes shut as if the darkness could soothe him. There it is, the static in his head, the
side effects of the constant fear, constant anxiety he lives with. He hears his own sounds, the
sobbing and choking, raw from the inside. This man, this faceless, nameless man, takes something
from Jeongguk that he didn’t know he had left to give. It’s like a theft of the spirit, an injury no
other person can see.

“Ngh- yeah. You feel so good. I’m gonna cum. Shit.”

Jeongguk tries to pull his head back in time, but the guy yanks on Jeongguk’s hair so hard that he
can feel his scalp tear and slams his cock so far down the boy’s throat that he almost throws up,
and then he cums. The guy cums down his throat before pulling out and roughly pushing Jeongguk
away.

Jeongguk falls on his ass, his head meeting the brick wall on the other side of the narrow alley
with jarring pain that shoots down his spine.

“Thanks,” the stranger breathes out, adjusting himself before zipping up his fly and pulling out a
wallet. He fishes for bills before throwing a few dozen won at the boy’s feet. “For your services,”
he says before turning around and brusquely entering through the back door of the club.

Jeongguk sobs openly now. His throat hurts and he’s pretty sure that his head is bleeding. He
doesn’t know where he is and he couldn’t even get a glimpse at the guy he’d sucked off face. He
let someone cum down his throat like some cheap whore and the aftertaste is awful. Everything is
awful. It’s cold and he’s kind of scared and wants to go home.

But where is home?

Thankfully, Jeongguk had yet to lose his phone. The screen is cracked- he’s not sure when that
happened, but he doesn’t necessarily care right now. He had turned off his phone after the fight
with Yoongi, too pissed at himself and the world to speak to anybody. The moment the iPhone
boots up and connects to his data, it comes to life when notifications.

You have 30 new messages

You have 20 missed calls

Jeongguk’s hands shake as he clicks the notification for the phone calls and finds that most of them
are from Jimin and Yoongi. There’s a few from Namjoon and Hoseok as well.
He then moves on to the texts and isn’t surprised to find that Jimin had practically flooded his
inbox. He looks at the dates, eyes widening for a fraction of a second when he realizes that it’s
been six days since he’d disappeared off the face of earth. The first few messages are from Yoongi,
and they’re the simple short, annoyed messages that were very Min Yoongi-like.

[5:27p.m] Grumpy Hyung: i’m back at the frat house bc i realize that ur an asshole and won’t
apologize anyways lol.

[5:27p.m] Grumpy Hyung: So w/e. where are u?

[10:01p.m] Grumpy Hyung: r u not coming back tonight?

[4:30p.m] Grumpy Hyung: quit being an asshole and answer ur god damn phone. Nams & Hobi
said that u haven’t been back since 3 fucking days ago.

[2:40a.m] Grumpy Hyung: it’s been 5 days. Just let me know ur alive or im calling the police.

Jeongguk tries to laugh, but the sound comes out ugly and twisted. Just what the fuck are the police
gonna do? The other messages are from his other friends who sound just as concerned and express
it with kinder words.

[5:15p.m.] Minnie: Yoongi hyung said tht u havent been home in almost a week...pls answer ur
phone Guk...we’re all really worried.

[8:45p.m.] Joon: hey man, if you need to talk I’m always just a phone call away. I know that
you’re going through some stuff right now, but I’m here for you. We all are.

[11:51a.m.] Hope: I miss yeeewwww Jeonggukie Dx plz call me asap!

There are a million more messages, but the tears are blurring his vision and falling onto his screen,
and none of them are from Taehyung. Jeongguk is hit with the sudden realization that Taehyung no
longer gives a shit about him. It’s been six days since the boy had initially gone missing and not
once, had Taehyung called or texted him.
And maybe Jeongguk is just being ridiculous, but he’s hysterically crying at 8p.m. with the
lingering taste of cum in his mouth, scared shitless, knowing that none of his friends will pop
around the corner and hold him their arms and maybe yell at him for disappearing. Because that is
the sad, sad reality of life and there is no one to tell him that everything will be okay because
nothing is okay.

So yeah, maybe Taehyung still cares but Jeongguk’s throat is closing up and he’s pretty sure that
he’s having a fucking panic attack and god he wants to call Yoongi. He wants to pathetically beg
for his friend’s forgiveness and asked to be picked up and maybe if Yoongi’s feeling kind enough,
he’ll let Jeongguk sleep in his bed and stroke his hair until the younger boy falls asleep. He’s so
lost and needs his best friend more than anything right now, but the fear of rejection has Jeongguk
refusing to hit the call button.

He’s sure that if Yoongi tells him to fuck off, he’ll seriously jump in front of traffic.

So he doesn’t. He sits and stares at his phone and hopes that by some unforeseen miracle, Yoongi
will have read his mind and call him first. He hopes, and once again, Jeongguk has to remind
himself that hope is a silly little thing that has only ever ended up hurting him even more.

Jeongguk can already hear the I told you so drifting from the other end of the call. He can already
hear the disappointment in Yoongi’s voice because letting people down is all Jeongguk has done
his entire life. The I told you that it wouldn’t last. The I told you karma would come back around.
And maybe it’s the voice inside of his head that says I told you that no one could ever love you.

Jeongguk wishes that someone would have told him not to fall for Kim Taehyung- not that he
would have listened anyways.

He tries to tell himself that everything happens for a reason; for a cause. Every action has a
meaning, every decision a purpose. So when his phone lights up with the caller ID Mark Tuan,
ringtone so loud that he flinches, Jeongguk is sure that it’s a sign that Yoongi hates him.

All his friends must hate him.

Jeongguk takes a shuddering breath, willing for the panic to pass and air to flow into his lungs. He
thought that if he could keep moving; if he could keep running, it would leave the anxiety at bay-
if only for a little while. But there it goes again, Jeongguk’s inner dialogue, but it’s not his friend. It
whispers, give it up. It’s too late. Everything has gone wrong and there’s no way to fix it. And now
he’s just trying to keep himself from sobbing like a little bitch over the phone when he answers
because the voice is still there saying no one wants you.

“Yeah?” Jeongguk doesn’t know how he manages to keep his voice semi-steady.

“Hey, man!” the sound of club music nearly drowns out Mark’s voice, even as he shouts. “You
busy right now?”

Jeongguk tries to laugh, voice cracking. “Nah. Why?”

“Me and a couple of the guys from Zeta are going bar hopping tonight and one of our guys bailed
on us. Wanna come?”

No.

“Yeah, sure.”

Jeongguk feels like shit. He feels like a corpse that had just been walked all over, but he’s also
coming down from his high and the withdrawals of a cocaine binge are the Absolute Worst and
Mark has the best supply in town. A little pricey, but mind blowing shit, nonetheless.

Mark tells him that they’re at Mahoney’s and Jeongguk promises that he’ll be there- after he
figures out where the fuck he is first. Jeongguk knows that he should go back to the frat house and
face whatever shit storm he had caused. He knows that he should just apologize to Yoongi and try
to move on with his life, but he can’t. Because everything reminds him of Taehyung and his
sweatshirts no longer hold his worn bones together anymore. It hurt.

It was pain.

It was the kind of unadulterated, aching, heart wrenching pain that burned every time someone
mentioned his name. It was the kind of pain the Jeongguk saw coming, but it was like a punch to
the stomach; no matter how much he prepared himself, it would still hurt anyway.

It was like when Jeongguk was fifteen and awkward and the first girlfriend he had, had kissed
another boy underneath the glow of fireworks on New Year’s Eve. That had stung.

It was the kind of pain of being left behind.

It was heartbreak.

So Jeongguk couldn’t go back; he couldn’t. Because no one had ever taught him how to deal with
mind numbing heartbreak that left his insides shredded into ribbons. No one had ever taught him
how to cope with loss and hurt healthily. No one had ever taught him that in life, people come and
go, and that it was okay. Because normal people are supposed to move on from this shit. Normal
people are supposed to cry for a week over shitty comedy movies with their best friends before
getting back onto their feet one day at a time. But Jeongguk isn’t normal and he will never be.

So when he finally learns how to breathe again, he stumbles to his feet and out of the alley way
onto the sidewalk. Jeongguk looks to his right, there’s a big neon sign that he recognizes as a bar he
occasionally frequented and nearly sighs in relief- at least he hadn’t ended up halfway across Korea
during one of his black outs. He hails a cab and it takes a short fifteen minutes to reach Mahoney’s.

Jeongguk looks like shit. He knows he does. It isn’t rocket science or anything. You don’t go on a
six day cocaine binge and come out the other side looking immaculate. So he’s not surprised when
Mark spots him from the booth where him and his friends are lounged and furrows his eyebrows in
concern.

“Are you okay, man?” he asks as Jeongguk approaches the group. “You like kinda, uh-

“Like shit.”

Mark laughs. “Yeah, you look like shit. Rough night?”

“Rough life,” he remarks dryly.

Jeongguk recognizes the two boys that sit around the table as friends that Mark frequently hung
around. They were kind of scum baggy- the kind who would roofie a girl’s drink at a party and
secretly film sex tapes just to be assholes. Jeongguk never understood why Mark hung around
them, because even though the guy was a dealer, he wasn’t really an asshole.
“Who am I replacing?” Jeongguk asks.

“Jackson,” Youngjae says. “He bailed on us last minute ‘cos he pussy whipped right now.”

“You think her pussy taste that good?” It’s a tall and lanky guy with tan skin and pink hair who
makes the crude comment. If Jeongguk’s memory served him correct, he was a sophomore from
Thailand with a name too complex to pronounce, so everyone just called him Bambam.

“Must be the Holy Grail or some shit,” Youngjae snickers.

Mark frowns. “Seriously, guys? Don’t be jerks.”

“It’s a joke not a dick, don’t take it too hard,” Bambam snorts with a roll of his eyes before
grabbing Jeongguk by the wrist and pulling him down to sit next to him. “Drink up.” a shot of what
Jeongguk thinks is tequila is placed in front of him and Jeongguk doesn’t even have time to hesitate
because he’s already throwing his head back and downing the first shot.

Youngjae whoots. “I can already tell that we got a champ on our hands!”

Jeongguk quickly learns that Mark’s friends are the kind of reckless and destructive people that he
needs to be around. They’re drunk by the time they’re ready to leave the second bar they’d gone to,
but not before Bambam pulls out a small plastic baggie with white powder and dangles it in the air
between them with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.

It’s the kind of high that Jeongguk needs to make his hands feel less clammy. And fuck- the shit is
good. The rush is better than any cheap cocaine laced with baking soda or meth that Jeongguk had
snorted over the last six days. It was pure and went up his nose smoothly before dripping down his
throat. The effects weren’t immediate with how much cocaine Jeongguk had over the course of a
week, but when it hit him, he felt as if he was on top of the world.

As on top of the world as he could be at least.

“I heard you were a faggot now or something,” Youngjae remarks. It’’s 11p.m. and they had gone
through a handful of bars before deciding on a club as a detour.
Jeongguk frowns around the glass of whiskey, slamming it down onto the bar with much more
force than necessary. “What?”

Youngjae shrugs. “Weren’t you dating Kim Taehyung? Never took you as that type of person..”

“I’m not,” he hisses, hands tightening around the glass till his knuckles turn a blotchy shade of
white and red. The last thing that Jeongguk wants to talk about was the boy that he was so
desperately trying to forget. He doesn’t want to think about whether or not Taehyung is happy. He
doesn’t want to think about whether or not Taehyung feels as empty as he does and tries to find
ways to fill the space with hook up’s that always leave him feeling emptier than before. Or maybe
he’s already in love and Jeongguk is the only who can’t move on. Yeah, Jeongguk definitely
doesn’t want to think about any of that.

“Yeah?” Youngjae smirks. “Is that what you said when you were sucking his-”

A harsh kick to the shin by Bambam has Youngjae yelping in surprise, keeling over to rub at his
leg.

“What the hell was that for?!”

Bambam flashes Jeongguk a reassuring smile, ignoring Youngjae’s incessant curses. “He was
kidding.”

Jeongguk merely glares at the amber liquid and the golden glow of the glass-like cubes, fingers
pressing down to submerge them like mini icebergs before they bounce back up.

“Whatever,” he mutters, downing the rest a little too quickly before hopping out of his seat and
excusing himself to the bathroom.

It’s empty, save for Mark, who’s leaning against the tiled wall with a lit cigarette hanging loosely
between his lips already half way gone.

“You’re not supposed to smoke in here,” Jeongguk says, frowning at his words because they’re
reminiscent of all the times that Yoongi would carelessly smoke in their shared room.
“Want one?” Mark asks, holding up a pack that reads Newports on the front. It’s not the kind that
Yoongi smokes.

If Jeongguk had been asked a few months ago, he would have said no and scrunched his nose at the
repugnant smell. But the Jeongguk of a few months ago is not the Jeongguk now. Right now, he’s
just trying to find more ways to kill his sadness.

“Yeah,” he says, plucking a stick out of the box and mirroring Mark with the filter hanging
between his lips.

Mark takes out his zippo. It’s a basic metallic color that he flicks open, bringing the blue flames to
life.

Jeongguk sucks the smoke deep into his lungs, remembering all the warnings but not caring. He
holds it in there, trapped, thinking how his lungs must hate him now for having such little regard
for the tar that would stick to them. He craves oxygen, but not until his entire body got the message
that he needs something to make that’ll make him hurt less. He breathes out, choking harshly as the
smoke gets caught in his throat, eyes watering.

“You okay, man?” Mark pats his back. “First time?”

Jeongguk nods. “Yeah, not really much of a smoker.”

Mark hums. “Well don’t start now, man.”

The smoke curls around them and makes Jeongguk’s nose burn as they fill their lungs with
premature death in silence.

“You got any left?” Jeongguk asks after a long moment.

“Yeah,” Mark says, pushing himself off of the wall and pulling out another baggie from his back
pocket. He hesitates for a moment, furrowing his eyebrows. “But maybe you should hold off on
this shit?”
Jeongguk frowns. “Why?”

“You’ve taken fifteen lines in the last three hours. You don’t want to risk an overdose.”

Jeongguk shrugs. “I’ve built up a tolerance.”

Mark squints his eyes. “But still-”

“Are you guys having fun without us?” Whatever Mark was going to say is cut short when
Youngjae and Bambam walk into the bathroom.

“You’re not holding out on us are you?” Bambam teases, lips curled up in amusement.

Mark doesn’t have a chance to respond before the bag is snatched out of his hand by Youngjae
who begins to tug Jeongguk towards a stall.

“You guys, I really don’t think that-”

“Don’t be a pussy,” Youngjae teases. “We’re all good here. You good, Jeongguk?”

Wordlessly, the younger boy nods, ignoring the sense of shame he feels when Mark’s expression
falls into one of discontent.

“Yeah, well I’m not good so you assholes have fun,” Mark growls angrily, eyes narrowing and
mouth pulled down tautly before spinning on his heels and stiffly marching out of the bathroom.

The logical side of Jeongguk knows that he shouldn’t be pressed against the wall of a bathroom
stall with Youngjae, who's preparing lines on the tank lid of the toilet. It’s definitely unsanitary as
fuck, but neither of them are in the right mind to give a damn. Bambam leans against the outside of
the locked stall door, being a lookout of some sorts.

Youngjae makes the lines longer than Mark does, thicker too. He’s quick to glide the rolled up won
over the surface before tilting his head back and passing it to Jeongguk.
For a moment, Jeongguk stares at the lines with pursed lips. Youngjae says, “take as many as you
want, we have plenty” and he knows it’s a bad idea. He’s drunk and he’s already taken fifteen lines
too many, but he’s reckless and not okay and Jeongguk just wants to be okay. There’s no one here
to stop him as he shrugs and holds the won in between shaky fingers.

He wishes that someone would stop him- give him a good slap to the face. He wishes that Yoongi
would kick down the door and drag him out of the club and call him a dumbass. He wishes that
maybe if Yoongi would give him another chance, he’d allow Jeongguk to finally break down
completely and would slowly start to pick up the pieces of the boy’s soul and try to piece it all
back together.

But of course, none of this happens and soon enough, Jeongguk is snorting a second line as
Youngjae prepares two more side by side. If this was a book or a movie, someone would have
saved Jeongguk before he was throwing his head back after his fourth line. If this was a movie,
Youngjae would have noticed that Jeongguk’s pupils were fucking blown and his hands were so
jittery that he couldn’t even hold the single won straight as he went in for his fifth. But this is
reality, and reality is shit. And in this reality, Jeongguk doesn’t know how to live, so he flirts with
death instead.

The high is mute for a good while. Youngjae suggests that one more line would really kick it in,
but Bambam becomes the voice of reason and tells them to wait it out because five lines of pure
cocaine wasn’t the same as five lines of the cheap shit mixed with all kinds of chemicals.

So Bambam shoves what’s left of the drug inside of his shoe for good measure before they head
back to the bar area and order more drinks.

The effects hits Jeongguk minutes later, the force of it nearly making the glass of scotch slip from
his hands and break into a million tiny pieces onto the marble floor. It’s the nice kind of high that
makes Jeongguk feel like Superman. It’s the kind of mind numbing, euphoria that has him downing
alcohol like he doesn’t have a liver before joining the swarm of bodies on the dance floor and
grinding into some random chick until he’s half hard.

Her face isn’t that nice but cocaine clouds his judgment and makes him want to fuck everyone. But
thankfully Bambam, who sees the boy’s predicament, unlatches the girl from Jeongguk before
dragging him away and muttering “trust me, you don’t want to wake up next to someone like her.”

It’s all great and Jeongguk isn’t really thinking of anything or anyone. The thoughts of bleach
blonde hair and olive skin have moved onto a distant planet now and all Jeongguk can focus is on
is how deliriously amazing he feels.
He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, sweat beading at his forehead. He’s on top of the world, but
the bartender is taking too long to make a fucking drink and Jeongguk is getting impatient. It feels
like an eternity, but once he has his drink in hand, he practically runs back to the dance floor with
Youngjae, drink sloshing and spilling everywhere. His body is buzzing and he feels connected to
the world around him.

It doesn’t matter that Jeongguk is unlovable. It doesn’t matter that Taehyung wants nothing to do
with him. It doesn’t matter that he’s a huge fucking disappointment to his best friend. It doesn’t
matter that he hurt Jimin. It doesn’t matter that he’s manipulated and broken hearts for so many
years now. Yeah, his soul is worn and his bones creak under pressure like an abandoned century
old house. Yeah, he’ll probably die before he reaches thirty, but that is of little consequence to
Jeongguk- it’s not like anyone would miss him anyways. He was torn pages from old books. He
was the fading shadows of dawn that disappeared over the horizon just as the sun rose. Jeongguk
wasn’t poetically beautiful like mildew drops reflected against morning light. He wasn’t the
comforting smell of rain, and he did not hold galaxies inside of him, but a black hole instead.
Jeongguk’s an empty shell. Nothing but skin stretched over a skeleton to try to contain the
emptiness inside; to convince people that he is someone that is he is something . And Jeongguk
tries to tell himself that it’s okay like this. It’s okay. Even if his lips tremble with the thought of tell
me that I’m worth something. Give me a reason to live. But it doesn’t matter.

Nothing matters, and Jeongguk wishes that he’d never have to come down from cloud nine.

So he dances until his limbs are screaming at him to stop and drinks until just the thought of
alcohol makes his stomach churn. He practically tongue fucks a chick whose face is a little too
blurry for his liking, but she must be above a seven because Youngjae gives him the thumbs up
before saying something like I knew you weren’t a faggot.

Jeongguk’s too high to care. He’s too high and the bass of the music is reverberating throughout his
entire body. Everything feels euphoric, even if the chick he’s making out with tastes like
cigarettes- nothing like the taste of Taehyung.

Jeongguk doesn’t know how long they dance. But eventually, the two boys suggest hitting up
another club before promising to call it a night. Mark is nowhere to be found, and neither of his
friends seemed concerned about it. Jeongguk assumes that Mark had been a hundred percent done
with their shit and left.

So they stumble outside and begin the short walk to another club that Bambam claimed was only a
couple of blocks away. But they’re all drunk and at some point they take a wrong turn. For awhile,
no one seems to mind, but after another ten minutes of walking Bambam turns around to stare at
the two blankly and says, “we’re lost.”
Youngjae laughs and calls his friend a retard, and Jeongguk wants to laugh along with them but
something doesn’t feel right. It’s mid February, the trees are still stripped bare of life. Both of the
boys are wearing coats and the tip of Youngjae’s nose is blush red. It’s obvious by the way they
hug themselves that the temperature has drastically dropped. And if the puffs of air that escape
between their lips after every exhale is any indication of the chilly weather, then the way that the
wind picks up and ruffles their hair should be more than enough.

Jeongguk knows that he should be cold, terribly so. His jacket had been lost during one of his black
outs, so he sports nothing but a white t-shirt to ward off the frigid air. The goosebumps that crawl
along his skin are apparent, but Jeongguk doesn’t feel cold; in fact, he feels as if he’s under the
sweltering heat of the summer sun. He’s sweating, which is expected when on a cocaine binge, but
he’s also kind of dizzy.

Youngjae and Bambam banter over directions as they make their way through a quiet
neighborhood, their loud and drunken voices an echo in the night. Jeongguk trails silently behind
them. There are momentary lapses where his vision doubles and the ground sways dangerously, but
Jeongguk just attributes it to being drunk.

It’s been well past thirty minutes and the peak of Jeongguk’s high should have worn off my now,
but everything seems too fucking intense and his heart rate isn’t slowing down like it should.

“Jeongguk, are you okay?” Bambam asks with a frown. “You look pretty pale and you’re sweating
bullets.”

“Yeah,” Jeongguk responds breathlessly, tongue feeling thick in his mouth.

There’s a tightening in his chest that is definitely not from heartbreak but he tries to smile anyway.
“I’m fine.”

Both of them seem too intoxicated to notice if anything is off, merely shrugging before resuming
their argument as they turn down another street. And Jeongguk tries to keep up with them, he really
does, but putting one foot in front of another is becoming an arduous task and his body feels so
heavy.

The wind nips at his exposed skin and Jeongguk wishes that he could will himself to feel it- for the
ambience to be anything that isn’t just numbness. But he can still feel it seeping in through his
veins, freezing his blood over and it aches. It aches and Jeongguk doesn’t know how it’s possible
to feel like two seasons have collided at the same time. But here he is, clammy with sweat with the
hairs on his arms rising from the bite of the wind that leaves its mark in the form of small bumps
that tingle on his arms.

The road seems to stretch on endlessly and at one point, Jeongguk’s legs begin to buckle and he
stumbles sideways, leaning against a lamp post for support. His muscles are burning and it feels
like he’s ran an entire marathon, despite having walked at a leisurely pace. His muscles have been
reduced to jello and the lethargy is overwhelming, nauseating.

Noticing that he’s fallen behind once again, both Youngjae and Bambam back trek to where
Jeongguk leans heavily against the post, posture slouched over and legs wobbly.

“You good?”

“Yeah, I’m-”

The words never make it out though because the bile rises in his throat so suddenly that Jeongguk
barely has time to catch himself before his stomach contracts violently and he nearly falls,
vomiting acidic liquid brown all over the cement. It leaves a repulsive aftertaste of alcohol that has
Jeongguk retching again, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

Bambam whistles lowly. “I didn’t realize that you drank that much. Man, you’re fucking
shitfaced.”

Jeongguk can’t muster an audible response because he’s heaving again, his insides contracting so
painfully that it burns.

“‘m fuh-fine,” he finally manages to slur out before his throat closes and Jeongguk can’t fucking
breathe through his nose. He’s panting heavily and he’s pretty fucking sure that he can hear his
heart racing and the blood pulsing in his ears.

This isn’t right , he thinks. Something is very wrong.

Youngjae and Bambam begin to crack jokes about Jeongguk’s drunken state and promise to draw
dicks on his face in sharpie if he passes out. But the laughter stifles in the late winter air the
moment Jeongguk stumbles forward a few steps, body swaying before the world begins to tilt and
he hits the hard ground with such jarring force that he passes out for a moment.

He’s swimming beneath an ocean of black before he comes back to the surface again, breathing
erratic and heart nearly beating right out of his chest. Jeongguk’s not sure what’s happening.
Youngjae and Bambam are looking down at him with fear marring their flushed features and the
boy wants to tell them that he’s just really wasted and needs to sleep the alcohol off, but his body
won’t listen to him. There’s a tingling heat that starts from the pit of his stomach and spreads to
his finger tips and then Jeongguk is shaking so violently, straight to his very core.

“ Holy shit! What the fuck do we do, Youngjae?”

“I don’t know. I- don’t know.” Youngjae sounds just as panicked and lost.

It hurts.

“We have to get help! We have to call 119! We have to-”

It hurts.

“No.” The fright in both of their voices is palpable. “We can’t do that, Bambam. We’re both high
and if we call an ambulance, we’re royally fucked.”

“But what about Jeongguk? We can’t just leave him here.”

Please don’t leave me. It’s a plea that rattles the inside of Jeongguk’s skull, desperate, yet so lost to
the two other boys. It’s a plea that falls on deaf ears and seeps deep into the crevices of his caged
heart.

“Someone will find him,” Youngjae reassures. “He’ll be fine.”

There’s a moment of tense silence. And through the silence, Jeongguk is still begging
pleasepleaseplease don’t, because it’s like a repeat of the panic attack he had in front of Yoongi,
except this time there is no temporary unconsciousness only to wake up in bed with a concerned
friend by his side. No, Jeongguk has a feeling that if they were to go now, he’ll never wake up.
The world doesn’t owe Jeongguk anything, but he doesn’t want to be alone.

And this is where some ridiculous bible thumper says something like God has a plan for us all
whenever bad things happen to not so good people. This is where the whole God forgives all his
children who accept Him into their hearts comes in because Bambam mutters a shaky apology to
the barely conscious boy and Jeongguk hopes that if there is a God, that he’s never forgiven.
Youngjae is quick to take off, with Bambam hesitating for long moment before spinning around
and following suit. Jeongguk can hear shoes pounding against asphalt as the two boys are
swallowed by the night. If God has a plan, Jeongguk hopes that plan entails the two scumbags
being hit by a car.

Jeongguk is left immobilized and alone in the middle of a nameless street, abandoned by two
twenty-something year old’s who didn’t give a shit if he lived or died.

The realization that his luck has finally run out isn’t as frightening as he thought it would be.
Jeongguk has been dancing with death for far too long now, always skirting around the edges but
never taking the plunge. But it seems that death had finally grown tired of their tryst and yanked
the boy off of the precipice between life and death. He feels himself slipping; falling eyes rolling
into the back of his head.

But it’s strange, because there is no fear and the panic has faded despite the fact that Jeongguk still
can’t breathe. There are no dramatic last regrets like wishing he could have grown old and seen his
nonexistent dreams become reality. It was more of a voice that whispered softly in his ear, so this
is it.

What Jeongguk does regret are the things that were never his to being with; like letting Taehyung
slip away from him; like letting Yoongi down; like letting his own mother die. Jeongguk regrets
being born, his wishes that he wasn’t. He doesn’t understand why the fuck some people are born
into the world just to suffer and lead a meaningless life before dying so pathetically. So this is it, it
really is. This is Jeongguk giving back to the world that has already taken so much away from him
to begin with.

He hopes that his rotting carcass poisons the very soil that he’s buried under, so then, at least, he’d
leave something behind besides a tragic sob story. He hopes that somewhere, deep down,
Taehyung knows that Jeongguk loves him. He hopes that the initials JJG sear themselves into the
crevices of Taehyung’s joints so then at least, someone will remember him, even if that someone
loathes his existence. Jeongguk still doesn’t want to be forgotten.

They say that when people die, their life flashes before their eyes. But Jeongguk quickly comes to
realize, that it’s nothing like that. There’s nothing beautiful or romantic about death. It’s cold and
lonely and dark. There’s no light and there’s definitely no sense of peace. And Jeongguk hates
himself because even though he wants to die, he can’t accept it- not yet, anyways. But life for him
has always been full of undetermined solutions to incomprehensible problems that he could never
fix.

As Jeongguk lays there on the asphalt, life slowly slipping away, he almost wishes that they sky
would open up on him and cry for him until he was soaked through, until his trembling lips were
blue. Because then, at least he could die with the delusion that some tears had been shed for him,
even if those tears were not Kim Taehyung’s.

Taehyung . Taehyung who’s so bright that it physically hurts. Taehyung who held Jeongguk’s
hands like the boy held the entire world in him palm. Taehyung, who’s kisses felt like they would
be Jeongguk’s last. The memories are fond, a comfort in the dreary night. Jeongguk’s reminded of
the time he had watched the sun set with Taehyung on the beach, back whenever things weren’t
falling apart so suddenly.

Do you really not care about dying? Taehyung had asked; to which Jeongguk admitted that some
days he didn’t. Sometimes he slept for days and lost track of time and getting out of bed was hard.
Sometimes I just don’t care even though I know that I should. Those were the days that Jeongguk
knew that something wasn’t right in his head. He had reached for Taehyung’s hand and laced their
fingers together before smiling and saying: but the days I’m with you are the happiest I’ve ever
been. When we’re like this, I don’t feel so empty anymore.

And in that moment, Jeongguk had believed his own words to be true. Because Kim Taehyung with
his oversized tees that never quite fit right, his obsession with Mortal Kombat, and his boxy smile
took Jeongguk’s breath away. It was the sole reason that the boy was still grounded; still here. But
then Taehyung had asked rather bluntly, isn’t that called depression? To which Jeongguk had
frowned at, pulling away and saying rather defensively, I’m not sad Taehyung.

And Jeongguk could tell from the way Taehyung kicked up sand and refuses to make eye contact
that he didn’t quite believe the boy’s words. I dunno, Taehyung said softly. But I think that if you
killed yourself, then I would die too.

Jeongguk vividly recalls the way his blood ran cold at his lover’s words. He remembers the panic
he felt at the thought of Taehyung not existing anymore. Because a world without Kim Taehyung
was not a world that Jeongguk wanted to live in at all. So he had promised that he wouldn’t die-
that he wasn’t going to kill himself before sealing it with a kiss.

Jeongguk wishes that it was true- that he wasn’t sad, that is. He wishes that the sadness hadn’t
consumed him from an early age. He wishes that he could simplify the aching emptiness that
festered inside of him for years as simply just being sad. Jeongguk wishes that he was just having
an off day before picking himself back up again the next morning. But that’s never how it worked,
because for as long as Jeongguk could remember, the simple task of breathing had never been easy
and pretending to care about basic necessities always took what little energy he had out of him.

And once again, Jeongguk is unable to keep another promise to the boy that he loves. Once again,
he is hurting Taehyung and the regret sinks into his soul and tears it apart. Now, he’s starting to
feel a little scared (just a little).

Jeongguk doesn’t believe in God, but he prays that with his last breath, it would allow Taehyung to
move on, to be happy. He hopes that all of the hearts he had stolen were returned to their original
owners once his own stopped beating.

Jeongguk briefly wonders if he’ll join his mother in the sky, but then he’s reminded that he is
someone who had been stuck in the dark all his life, and could never shine as bright as she once
did. He could never be as kind, as giving, or as gentle either. If there was a hell, Jeongguk believed
that was where his soul would remain locked up for eternity.

It’s almost a joke really; dying alone, but but being alone is all Jeongguk has ever known.

So maybe that’s why his mind decides to conjure up the illusion of Namjoon leaning over him.
Maybe that’s why his mind conjures up the illusion of hands roughly shaking him. Maybe that’s
why his mind conjures up the illusion of Namjoon begging him to stay, pretty face morphed into
that of raw fear, vein bulging from his neck and eyes glassy as he screams at the boy, words
muffled because the ringing in the boy’s ears is too loud.

“Stay with me, Jeongguk! Open your eyes!”

Jeongguk wants to stay, but everything sounds so far away.

“Oh god. Oh god . What happened? What happened, Gukkie?” Namjoon sounds broken, voice
guttural and overcome with emotion. The younger boy thinks that this must be the devil’s cruel
way of sending him off to hell, with the grief stricken face of his friend etched into his memory
forever.

“What I do?” Namjoon asks desperately. “Please tell me how to help you. I- I don’t know how to
fucking help you.”
Jeongguk opens his mouth to respond, but he chokes on the brief gasp of air that fills his burning
lungs, nails digging into the asphalt until they bleed and gathering loose rocks. It’s almost as if
he’s choking on his own saliva, spluttering and gasping and fucking shaking all over.

Jeongguk regrets everything.

He regrets it all.

He wants to apologize to Namjoon who’s trying to hold him down (had he really been shaking that
hard?) He wants to go back to that dingy bathroom and not take all of those lines. He wants to back
the alley, a hysteric mess of snot and tears and ignore Mark’s call. He wants to go back to the day
he decided to hurt Taehyung and do it all over again.

Jeongguk is sorry. He’s so sorry, but none of his friends will ever know. He’ll just be known as the
kid who had so much going for him who died of a drug overdose, spurred on by his daddy issues.
Namjoon and Hoseok will never know how much Jeongguk was scared to call them his friends
because they were good people, the kind of good people that the boy didn’t deserve.

Yoongi will hate him. He’ll tear down all of Jeongguk’s posters and burn his clothes. He’ll smoke
until his lungs become black and crumble like ash. And he’ll ask why over and over again. Why
Jeongguk? But the younger boy won’t even be there for a jibe response. Or maybe his ghost will
be condemned to wander the earth for eternity and every question from his older friend will be met
with a silent I didn’t mean to die, hyung that Yoongi will never be able to hear.

“C’mon, Gukkie. Wake up. Fuck, open your eyes.” Namjoon’s hands are warm against the iciness
his face and Jeongguk inwardly smiles. The heat doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

Even if this is just a dream and Namjoon looks ready to tear down the fucking world, Jeongguk’s
just glad that he doesn’t feel so lonely anymore. And so, this is where the pain stops. This is where
he can finally stop running. All the suffering, grief, and tears- it all ends here on a Friday where the
night swallows him whole in this quiet neighborhood in downtown Seoul.

This is where Jeon Jeongguk ends.

He wants to tell Taehyung that he’s sorry for the way things ended. He wants to apologize because
even though they fell into each other, Jeongguk never learned how to love the older boy in the way
he deserved- he couldn’t even love himself. There’s a voice inside of his head having a
conversation with a mirage of olive skin and hickory eyes that says: Yes, I still love you, but I am
your poison and you are my Kryptonite. And perhaps in another life when Jeongguk isn’t so fucked
up in the head, he’ll meet Taehyung in a coffee shop and his lover will smile at him with bright
eyes and this time, Jeongguk won’t walk all over his flowerbeds like he did in this life.

Maybe then, I’ll learn how to love you right.

Park Jimin is a lot of things. He’s nice, easy to get along with, a good and reliable friend, patient,
and for the most part, level headed. Jimin is good at a lot of things, but remaining rational in
precariously stressful situations is not his forte. But he’s trying, because Jeongguk has been
missing for six days and nobody even knows where the fuck he is. He still isn’t quite sure what
happened between the youngest and Yoongi. The day before Jeongguk disappeared, his lover had
appeared at his door a mere hour after the former had left and asked if he could stay for a few days.
Jimin hadn’t even dared to ask what happened then because the look in the elder’s eyes was similar
to the one he got whenever Jimin made any inquiries about Jeongguk’s mental state.

Shut off. Cold.

Putting two and two together and realizing that Yoongi and Jeongguk had gotten into some kind of
serious fight wasn’t difficult at all for Jimin, because the elder had practically been glued to
Jeongguk’s side the moment he and Taehyung broke up. And if his foul mood didn’t make it
obvious, then the way he stiffened whenever Jimin made an inquiry about Jeongguk sure did.

But after three days, Yoongi had decided to go back to the frat house, a lot less angry than he had
been before. And Jimin nearly sighed in relief because he knew that Jeongguk needed the his best
friend right now more than anything. There was an uneasy feeling stuck in the pit of Jimin’s gut
that told him that in some ways, Jeongguk was suffering more than Taehyung, even if he didn’t
know exactly how.

While Taehyung was loud with his feelings, Jeongguk was not. Kim Taehyung was snot and tears
over spilt milk. He was made out of the frayed threads of Jeongguk’s old sweaters because holding
them close to his shaking frame while he cried at 2a.m. was the only thing that his former lover
had left him with.

Jeon Jeongguk’s suffering was silent. Sometimes it was the way that his smile never quite reached
the emptiness in his eyes. It was the way in which his laughter was forced or how the boy seemed
to walk as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Jeongguk’s sadness was hidden
beneath lies and one shot of vodka too many. His sadness was something that chased after him, and
Jimin could do nothing but watch the boy continue to run away.
Jimin often wondered what the hell Jeongguk could have been through to hurt so quietly.

A part of him hoped that his lover would be the noise to disturb that quiet, but the next day,
Yoongi had come back to the apartment just as pissed, going off about how Jeongguk had turned
off his phone and refused to come home. He’s probably off somewhere passed out in a ditch, drunk
off his ass. Fucking prick. Yoongi had hissed the words with such venom, but Jimin had seen right
through it. The elder was hiding the anxiety he felt at Jeongguk’s sudden disappearance underneath
layers of anger.

But then four days had turned into five and when Yoongi’s mind wasn’t drifting, he was holding
Jimin a little too tightly, as if he were afraid that the sunset haired boy would disappear as well.
Jimin would assure his lover that Jeongguk was going to be okay, running his short fingers through
midnight black hair. Yoongi would simply grunt in response and say what if he’s not? while
refusing to make eye contact.

Jimin really wanted to believe that Jeongguk was okay, but even Taehyung was worried- though he
tried his best to hide it. Whenever Yoongi went on another one of his tangents about the youngest,
Taehyung would lurk in the hallway for a little too long, only to frown when Yoongi said that he
still hadn’t come back.

On the sixth day, Yoongi was dead set on calling the cops. It had taken awhile for Jimin to calm
him down, because Yoongi was a storm of rage and hurt. But by some miracle, Jimin smoothed his
lover’s hair down and convinced him to have a look around the city first before resorting to drastic
measures.

So they spent all day visiting various places that Jeongguk might be, like bars and clubs he often
frequented. And even though they didn’t end up finding Jeongguk per se, a lot of familiar faces had
told the pair that the boy had been around often.

It’s nearly 12a.m. by the time Jimin tugs on Yoongi’s jacket and suggest that they turn in for the
night. Yoongi had hesitated, but then agreed reluctantly with pursed lips.

“We’ll find him,” Jimin says. They’re only a few blocks away from Jimin’s apartment by now and
the night is quiet, too quiet.

Yoongi shrugs, hugging his jacket closer to himself. “I can’t do anything about him avoiding me,
Jimin. If he wants to be a prick about this, then what the fuck ever.”
“I’m worried about him too, y’know.” He says with a sigh. “You don’t have to-”

But whatever Jimin is about to say is cut short when Yoongi suddenly blurts, “is that Namjoon?”

Jimin’s eyebrows furrow in confusion before shooting up once he follows the elder’s line of sight.
There’s a figure crouching down in the middle of the road, and even though it’s just his back, just
by the tall and lanky limbs with pink hair to top it off, the pair can tell that it’s Namjoon. Who else
would lurk so close to Jimin’s home in the middle of the night?

“Namjoon hyung,” he calls, but the older friend doesn’t seem to acknowledge their presence.

He’s bent over something, that much Jimin can tell. It’s as they approach him that something
begins to take shape. “Namjoon?” Jimin calls again more hesitantly, frowning when his eyes adjust
and he realizes that the suspicious shadow is a body.

Namjoon snaps his head around so quickly that Jimin nearly jumps out of his skin. His friend looks
stricken, eyes wide with panic and glassy with unshed tears. There’s a sickening feeling in the pit
of Jimin’s stomach that tells him that something is very, very wrong.

“J-Jimin,” he stutters. “Puh-please help him. I dunno what to do- I dunno what h-happened.”

Jimin takes a few steps forward to peer over Namjoon, only to stumble back as if he was pushed by
some invisible force because there’s no way. There’s absolutely no fucking way.

Yoongi practically shoves Namjoon out of the way, falling to his knees in a way that Jimin is sure
that the elder has skinned them. “What the fuck!” he shouts. “Jeongguk. Jeongguk. Gukkie .”

Jeongguk lays on the asphalt, his body spasming erratically and eyes rolled into the back of his
head. It’s almost as if he’s having some hellish nightmare, legs kicking and arms flailing as the
muscles in his body continue to contract sporadically. Yoongi looks just as unsure as Namjoon of
what the fuck he should be doing. He simply continues to call the boy’s name over and over again
like some mantra, but it’s lost like an echo in the distance.

Park Jimin is good at a lot of things, but keeping his sanity intact while one of his closest friends is
seizing on the ground at 12a.m. falls under Things I Suck At. It isn’t until Yoongi begins to shake
Jeongguk that Jimin snaps out of his state of shock.
“Yoongi hyung, you can’t do that,” he says, moving forward and gently trying to pry the elder
away, who simply angrily shakes Jimin’s hand off.

“We need to get him help. We need to help him. We need to-”

“Yoongi!” Jimin says sharply. “Move the fuck out of my way.”

The sharpness in his lover’s voice makes Yoongi hesitates for a moment and it isn’t till Namjoon
tugs at him does he move. Jimin doesn’t waste a millisecond longer and places himself next to
Jeongguk who has begun to foam at the mouth, ugly guttural noises ripping its way out of his
throat like some foreign creature.

It’s scary. All of this is too fucking real and despite his internship at the hospital and seeing his fair
share of frightful things, Jimin is shaken to his very core. Being a third year nursing major never
prepared him for this kind of emotional trauma. Being a nursing major never prepared him for this.

“He’s having a seizure.”

“Why?” Yoongi asks panickedly. “Why the fuck is he having a seizure?”

Jimin grunts, ignoring the question. “I need light. Give me a phone.”

Yoongi almost drops the device in the process with unsteady hands. Jimin turns on the flashlight,
lifting Jeongguk’s eyelids in an attempt to shine the bright light into his pupils, but the younger
boy’s eyes have completely rolled back and all he can see is white.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s completely out of it,” Jimin says. “Help me turn him on his side so that he doesn’t choke on
his own saliva but don’t hold him down or he could hurt himself and dislocate a joint.”
Both Yoongi and Namjoon hurriedly turn Jeongguk to his side and Jimin puts a hand to
Jeongguk’s forehead. “He’s burning up.” He then takes Jeongguk’s wrist, place two fingers right
where his pulse should be before leaning forward, and attempting to place his ear against the
younger boy’s chest, which is damn near impossible with how his body convulses violently. So
Jimin opts to place his fingers against Jeongguk’s sweat slickened neck, eyebrows furrowed in
concentration as he counts the intervals between the boy’s heartbeats. “He has an arrhythmia and
by the sounds of it, severe tachycardia.”

“Speak fucking english, Jimin,” Yoongi snaps.

“It means that not only is his heart beating irregularly, but it’s elevated as well.” Jimin’s tone is
smooth, too calm for the current situation, but he has to be. Jeongguk’s life depends on it. “What
drug was he fucking with, Yoongi?”

Yoongi stiffens. “He wasn’t doing-”

“Min Yoongi, now is not the fucking time for this bullshit!” Jimin snaps. “Do you want Jeongguk
to live or not?”

Even though his eyes are focused on Jeongguk, Jimin can practically feel Yoongi’s guilt radiating
off of him, intermingled with the fear in his voice.

“Cocaine,” he finally says.

Jimin tenses.

Cocaine.

Jeongguk had been doing cocaine and the older boy didn’t even fucking know. The realization is
like a kick in the gut and Jimin feels as if his teeth have just been punched in. The tiredness.
Disorientation. Random outbursts of irritation. How had he not noticed until now?

Jeongguk had been hiding a monster in his closet: addiction.

Jimin wonders how long the boy had suffered alone. He wondered how many sleepless nights
Jeongguk spent sitting on bathroom floors high out of his mind, trying to numb the pain with more
alcohol and cocaine. Jimin wonders how much it must have hurt for Jeongguk to have more faith in
a thirty minute high than he did his friends.

Hey, Guk, how much did it hurt?

Jimin swallows in an attempt to relieve the tightness in his throat before he nods. “Okay. Well, I
think we have a cocaine overdose on our hands here.”

“Fuck.” Yoongi leans leans back, hand snagging his black hair. “ Fuck ,” he mutters again. “What
do we do?”

“For now, we wait for the seizure to pass,” Jimin says, patting down Jeongguk’s hair soothingly
even though he’s sure that the boy doesn’t even know his friends are there. “How long has he been
seizing for?” he asks Namjoon.

“Not too long.” Namjoon licks his lips nervously. “Two minutes, maybe?”

The orange haired boy hums. “Then it should pass any second now. Seizures don’t last any longer
than three minutes.”

Jimin’s words don’t seem to ease the ineffable fear displayed in his friends’ hunched and tense
forms. The darkness only seems to intensify the stilting sense of dread that’s almost suffocating.
The only sound to fill the heavy air is that of Jeongguk choking and wheezing, making such
macabre sounds that even Jimin has to resist the urge to shudder.

All the can do is look on helplessly. All Jimin can do is watch as his lover pulls at his hair and
continues to mutter broken curses under his breath because the only thing that any of them can do
is wait.

Don’t cry , Jimin tells himself as he continues to count backwards. Don’t you dare fucking cry.

It’s in his bones. The fear. The nausea. It’s a certain kind of hopelessness that keeps saying it’s too
late, despite the fact that Jimin knows that it’ll pass. He’s been a nursing major for three years- he
knows this, and yet, his thoughts are running wild like a madman’s. But it’s like watching your
home burn down and the only thing that you can do is wait for the flames to burn out.

It feels like an eternity, but it’s only moments later that Jeongguk’s convulses begin to stop, with
Jimin shushing him soothingly and running his small hands through the younger boy’s sweat
dampened hair.

“Gukkie?” he calls uncertainly. “It’s me, Jimin.”

Jeongguk’s eyes open slightly, but the hope in Jimin’s heart turns into horror when Jeongguk
makes a harrowing noise of pain before hurling onto the ground. Jimin is quick to maneuver
Jeongguk so he doesn’t get any of the repugnant brown liquid on the side of his face, but when
another bout of nauseating liquids gush out of Jeongguk’s mouth, Jimin’s arm ends up falling
victim. He grimaces at the feeling of the warm slimy liquid.

“Hyung, I need you to hold him up so that he doesn’t choke on his own vomit,” he instructs.

Jeongguk is maneuvered up into a sitting position, his back sagging against Yoongi’s chest and
head lolling forward. Saliva mixed with vomit slides down his chin only to drip down to the
ground.

Jeongguk should be regaining consciousness by now since the seizure has passed, but he’s not.
Jimin goes to check his heart rate once again only to find that it hasn’t slowed down and his
breathing has become more shallow now. He’s trying not to freak out and keep himself together for
his friends that are relying on him, but the realization that the younger boy’s condition is getting
worse and not any better is frightening.

Keep your cool, Park Jimin. Keep your fucking cool.

“Namjoon hyung, call 119.”

Namjoon nods stiffly, taking a deep breath in order to collect himself before dialing the three digit
number.

Yoongi’s eyes widen. “I thought that the seizure had passed.”

“Yeah,” Jimin breathes, trying to keep his voice from quivering. “But the OD is a lot worse than I
thought. He hasn’t regained consciousness and his heart palpitations aren’t slowing down. We
need to get him inside.”

“But shouldn’t we just wait for an ambulance?”

Jimin shakes his head. “He needs emergency treatment, hyung. Some cocaine overdoses can send
users into cardiac arrest.” He places a hand against Jeongguk’s forehead once again and finds that
it’s still incredibly warm. “We need to move now .”

The stricken desperation on the elder’s face almost makes Jimin’s resolve waver.

“Put him on my back,” Yoongi says, even though there’s a million questions swimming within his
glassy eyes. Jimin lets out a shaky breath of relief, thankful that despite his panic, Yoongi is still
trying to keep his shit together.

It’s a little bit of a struggle and despite the elder’s frame, he’s able to carry the tall boy without
stumbling or falling over.

“Namjoon hyung,” Jimin says sharply and the elder looks up from where he had been staring at the
ground, phone pressed firmly to his ear as he spoke to the operator. “When they ask about his heart
rate, tell them that it’s over two hundred beats per minute and to prepare for a patient that could
possibly need surgery for cardiac catheterization.”

“I need you to stay out here and wait for the paramedics to arrive. Okay?”

“Don’t worry, Jiminie. I’ve got this. You just take care of Guk,” Namjoon attempts to reassure
him.

The pair take the stairs up to Jimin’s apartment to avoid running into anyone. By the time they
reach the top, perspiration is beading and sliding down Yoongi’s forehead and he’s panting
heavily. He readjusts Jeongguk on his back so that the boy doesn’t fall as Jimin bangs on the door,
having forgotten his own keys.
“Taehyung open the fucking door!” he shouts.

It seems like an eternity before Taehyung swings open the door, a scowl on his face. “Minnie, what
the-”

But Jimin doesn’t have time to hear his best friend’s complaints right now. He pushes past the
taller boy and Yoongi follows suit, legs shaking and threatening to buckle out from under him with
the dead weight of Jeongguk.

Jimin practically rips the bathroom door off of it's hinges, pointing to the toilet seat and ordering
Yoongi to sit the boy down atop the closed lid. He turns the shower handle all the way to the left,
plugging the drain before the frigid water spurts to life.

Taehyung hovers unsurely by the door, arms crossed over his chest as he glares accusingly. “Is he
drunk? Why would you bring him back here?”

Jimin doesn’t miss the way that Yoongi’s hand on the fabric of Jeongguk’s shirt curls into a fist,
nor the way the way his jaw clenches.

“Fuck off, Kim Taehyung,” the elder spits as he attempts to keep the unconscious boy from falling
over.

“What?” Taehyung sounds scandalized.

Yoongi shoots him a nasty glare. “This is all of your fault. None of this would have happened if
you didn’t have your head stuck so far up your ass.”

The blonde snorts. “You’re fucking kidding me, right? Jeongguk used me but I’m the one with the
one with my head up my ass. Are you delusional, hyung?”

“Tae,” Jimin pleads, giving him a desperate look that is ignored.

Yoongi looks ready to jump up and punch the fuming boy in the mouth and Jimin’s pretty sure if
the elder wasn’t holding Jeongguk up, Taehyung would be laying flat on his back with a bloody
nose.

“You never even listened to him!” Yoongi snarls. “You didn’t ever try to talk things out or let him
explain shit.”

“Explain what ?” the blonde shouts back in ire. “Explain how he cheated on me? How I was just a
game? How he never felt shit for me?”

“He never even cheated on you, you fuckwad.”

“He hurt me!”

“You hurt him too!”

Yoongi takes a deep breath before he says rather lowly, “Jeongguk is like this because of you.”

Taehyung’s expression morphs into one of confusion. “What do you mean?”

But Yoongi scowls, mouth pressed into a firm line as turns his attention back to Jeongguk, refusing
to answer.

There’s a stifling moment of quiet and the sound of the water filling the bath is roaring in Jimin’s
ears. He swallows the lodge stuck in his throat before stepping around his lover to gently push at
Taehyung’s shoulders till they’re standing in the hallway.

“Tae.”

“What does Yoongi hyung mean?” he asks sharply.

“Tae,” Jimin repeats. “I need you to stay calm.”

“Calm?” the blonde snorts. “I’m fucking peachy, Minnie. I just want to know why you brought
him here. It’s not your job to babysit him just because he wants to drink irresponsibly.”

“He’s not drunk,” Jimin deadpans. "Or, well, he is but that's besides the point."

Taehyung rolls his eyes.

“I’m serious.” Jimin feels his irritation flaring. “Look, I don’t have time to sit here and hold your
fucking hand just because you want to throw a fit, Tae. Jeongguk-” he hesitates. “He overdosed on
cocaine.”

Taehyung’s eyes widen considerably and he seems to visibly pale at his friend’s words. “This isn’t
a joke, right?”

The sunset haired boy looks offended. “You think I’d lie to you about something like this?”

“No!” he squeaks, voice cracking. “It’s just- is he okay?”

“He’s not.” The brutal honesty in Jimin’s words is staggering.

Taehyung lets out a wheeze of air that’s almost a sob, falling back into the wall, expression
stricken with disbelief.

“He took a dangerously high dosage and could possibly go into cardiac arrest. I can’t deal with
your shit right now, okay? Either you stand outside with Namjoon until the ambulance comes or
stop being such an asshole.”

Jimin doesn’t even wait for him to respond before he turns away and walks back into the
bathroom, leaving Taehyung alone in the narrow hallway. He doesn’t have time for conflicting
emotions or uncertainty when he has someone’s life literally in his hands.

The water has risen significantly by now, so Jimin turns the knob to stop the flow before signalling
to Yoongi. “Help me get him in,” he says.
Yoongi nods, grabbing Jeongguk by his legs while Jimin hooks his arms around Jeongguk’s torso.
They lift him on the count of three, the muscles in Jimin’s arms straining a bit with the deadweight
of his friend.

“Lower him carefully,” he warns.

Yoongi grunts, stumbling a bit as they set Jeongguk down and almost falling in himself. He lashes
an arm out to steady himself, mumbling “shit that’s cold.”

Jimin perches himself at the edge of the tub, feeling the stray water droplets seep through his jeans.
He almost missed Taehyung, who once again has appeared in the doorway but this time without a
sneer. His eyes are wide and fearful. He looks so boyish that Jimin feels bad for the callous way he
had spoken to him before.

“Is he gonna make it?” the question is a whisper that seems to bounce off the tiled bathroom walls
and echoes loudly in the small space. Taehyung takes a slow and unsteady step forward, eyes
focused on Jeongguk whose skin has turned a frightening shade of ashen white. His lips are
cracked and mute blue and Taehyung looks as if his legs are about to give out underneath him right
there and then because Jeongguk doesn’t even look as if he’s alive.

“Hypothermic shock should help slow his pulse rate and prevent his heart from giving out,” Jimin
explains, taking Jeongguk’s hand in his own and pressing two fingers against the pulse in his wrist.
“I don’t have any medical equipment needed to treat this kind of thing so this is all I can do until
the paramedics arrive.”

Yoongi leans against the wall before slumping down to the floor. There’s an eerie stillness to
Jeongguk’s body and it’s almost as if the three of them are in a room with a corpse. The only hope
that any of them cling to is Jimin’s medical knowledge, but what if even that’s not enough?

There should be more panic. More screaming. More cursing. But there’s nothing but three boys
standing and sitting in silence with the macabre sound of Jeongguk’s labored breathing like a count
down to his last. It’s not like the movies, but it should be because Jimin hates the numbness that
crawls up his spine and he feels like an empty shell just going through the motions.

Yoongi looks vacant, detached as he stares down at his hands, eyes bloodshot. It all seems like a
bad dream, really. It seems too cruel to be real. In high school, Jimin went to church every Sunday
and still prayed every night before he went to sleep. Why would God do this to him? Why would
God take away someone who had already suffered enough?

Doesn’t he deserve a chance? Jimin almost wanted to shout at the sky.

There’s a deep groan and everyone’s attention immediately snaps to the motionless boy who
twitches slightly.

“Jeongguk?” Jimin calls softly.

Said boy’s eyes begin to flutter open, drooping with lethargy.

Jimin attempts a smile, but it’s strained. “Are you with us?”

“H-hyung,” Jeongguk rasps, his voice barely a whisper and more of a wheeze.

Yoongi blinks rapidly, reaching out to stroke Jeongguk’s wet hair. “Hey, kiddo. Hey.” The elder
seems at a loss for words. He clears his throat, wets his lips, and tries again. “You feeling okay?”

Jeongguk shakes his head slowly. “I- I fuh-feel so tuh-tired h-hyung.”

Yoongi tries to smile, but unlike Jimin, he’s unsuccessful. “Yeah, I know. But you can’t fall
asleep, alright?”

“‘m tired.”

Jimin feels the panic finally start to take ahold of him as Jeongguk’s eyes begin to droop even
further. He can’t risk him slipping back into unconsciousness again. He absolutely can’t.

“Tae’s here to see you,” Jimin says, and both Taehyung and Yoongi tense up at his words.

Jeongguk frowns. “I-is he muh-mad at m-me?”

Jimin shakes his head. “Of course not.” He then turns to the blonde boy with a piercing stare.
“Right, TaeTae?”

For a moment, Jimin’s afraid that Taehyung will turn and flee or say something incredibly
damaging. But then his blank expression twists into incomprehensible fear and sorrow and his legs
really do give out then as he collapses to the ground with a sob.

“J-Jeongguk,” he cries, crawling on his hands and knees towards the bath tub. He takes Jeongguk’s
hand out of Jimin’s and the latter doesn’t try to protest.

Taehyung’s hands are shaking almost as much as Jeongguk’s as he brings the boy’s deathly cold
hand to his tear stained face and keeps repeating his name like a mantra. “Jeongguk. Jeongguk.
Jeongguk.”

Jimin really does start crying then. He doesn’t burst out into hysterical sobs like Taehyung, but hot
tears stream steadily down his cherub cheeks and blur his vision.

“Duh-don’t cry,” Jeonguk pleads, attempting to stroke Taehyung’s face but all he manages is the
twitch of his thumb. “I-I’m not wuh-worth it.”

“Don’t say that!” Taehyung shouts in near hysterics. “You’re worth it. You’re so worth it, I
promise you. I didn’t mean anything I said, Jeongguk. Please don’t die. Please don’t die. ” The
grip he has on Jeongguk’s hand tightens and Jimin hopes that maybe if Taehyung holds on tight
enough, Jeongguk really won’t go.

Yoongi looks on the verge of losing it as well, but it’s clear that he’s trying to be strong for all of
them and Jimin feels so ashamed of himself for falling apart like this after promising that he’d be
the strong one this time.

“Guk,” the elder starts off, voice shaky. “I need you to tell me how much you took. Was it just
cocaine?”

Jeongguk nods.
“How much?”

Silence.

“How much?”

“‘m suh-sorry,” Jeongguk cries. The tears well up and spill over, and Jimin hates the blatant fear
on the young boy’s face. He hates it. “I duh-don’t r-remember. It wuh- was a lot and I w-was d-
duh-drunk. P-please don’t hate m-me, hyung.” He breaks off for a moment, sobbing even louder.
“Puh-please don’t h-hate me.”

“Shh,” Yoongi hushes. “It’s going to be okay, Jeongguk. We’re gonna get you help, okay? So just
hold on for us. Can you do that?”

Jeongguk seems to space out for a second too long and Taehyung grips at his wet shirt and calls out
his name in a panicked shriek. “Jeongguk!”

He blinks. “I-I don’t want to d-die,” he says. “I wuh-want to s-stay with everyone.”

Jimin takes a deep breath in an attempt to regain his semblance of composure. “It’s okay, Gukkie.
Everything will be alright.”

“I-I’m scared,” the youngest admits.

“Don’t be, we’ll protect you.”

But Jimin doesn’t know how to protect Jeongguk from the monsters in his head.

Jeongguk smiles warmly, despite the fact that he’s shivering all over. “T-thank you.”

Jeongguk blinks once, and then another, but after the third, his eyes don’t open again.
Taehyung really starts screaming then. The sound is so ugly and painful that it makes Jimin sick to
his stomach and he doesn’t know what the fuck to do but cry and watch Taehyung attempt to pull
Jeongguk out of the water through his blurry vision.

“Stop that!” Yoongi shouts, attempting to pry Jeongguk out of a hysteric Taehyung's grip. “I said
stop it!”

Everything is falling apart and Jimin had never believed that nightmares were real until now. It’s
almost as if there’s a disconnection from reality because Jimin doesn’t feel as if he’s actually there
and everything is muffled. The sound of Taehyung’s screams and Yoongi’s panic pleas for him to
let go is lost in the ringing of Jimin’s ear.

Even when Namjoon appears in the doorway and mouths indiscernible words, Jimin can’t hear
anything being said. Even when Taehyung lashes out at the paramedics and is dragged out by
police, it all still seems so unreal. Even when Namjoon gently ushers Jimin and Yoongi out, time
seems so slow and nothing is being processed inside of Jimin’s head.

It isn’t until the three of them are standing outside with Taehyung throwing a fit and demanding to
be let inside the ambulance even though he isn’t family does Jimin’s brain finally catch up with
reality.

The boy is shouting and threatening to kill himself if they don’t let him in and Namjoon is nearly
socked in the face when he tries to calm his distraught friend.

“Taehyung, calm down!”

“No!” he shrieks. “I’ll fucking jump in the middle of traffic! I’ll fucking do it!” he chokes on his
sobs and the sound is chilling.

The paramedics finally relent and let him in, and as the ambulance shoots off into the distance,
wailing siren roaring in his head almost as loud as the pulsing of his blood, Jimin wonders if there
was anything they could have done to save Jeongguk in the first place.

Four hours.

It’s been four hours since Jeongguk had been hospitalized. Four hours of sitting in the
uncomfortable plastic chairs of the waiting room and staring at white walls. Around hour three
Taehyung had been crying for so long that he ended up puking all over the bleached floors and one
of the nurses had offered a room for him to rest in. Taehyung had adamantly refused but Namjoon
had practically dragged the him away.

So for the past hour, Yoongi and Jimin had sat in utter silence. Yoongi wasn’t sure if there was
anything that could have possibly been said to comfort either of them. Because what could possibly
be said to change the fact that there was a very probable chance that Jeongguk could die?

His best friend could die.

“Yoongi hyung, you should sleep,” Jimin says. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

And maybe Yoongi really does with bloodshot eyes that have swollen, bags under his eyes, sallow
skin and messy hair. He must really look like he’s been through hell right now- which isn’t a lie
because the elder had been through his own personal hell.

“I’m good,” he mutters. “Gotta wait for the doctor.”

“I’ll wake you up if anything happens,” Jimin reassures him, but Yoongi simply shakes his head.

“You’re not fine , Yoongi. None of us are fine.”

“Will you get off my back!” Yoongi snaps, almost immediately regretting it when Jimin flinches
away. “I-I’m sorry,” he croaks, rubbing at his face before running his hands through his hair. “It’s
just- it’s just-”

What is Yoongi supposed to say to make anything better? He’s fucked everything up enough as it
is.

“This is all my fault,” he mutters, glaring at the wall.

Jimin gasps in surprise. “Why would you say that? This isn’t anyone’s fault.”
The elder snorts. “None of this would have happened if I hadn’t kept such a big fucking secret for
Jeongguk in the first place. And you wanna know the worst part about it?” Yoongi laughs as if
Jimin’s just told a bad joke. “The worst part is that I knew this was gonna happen.”

“Hyung,” Jimin calls his name softly, intertwining their fingers together and drawing the elder’s
trembling hand to rest on his lap. “It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known this was gonna
happen. None of us did.”

“But I did!” Yoongi’s raised voice cracks because Jimin just doesn’t understand. “I knew that one
day Jeongguk was going to fucking explode! I knew that he stashed drugs in between the
mattresses and I knew that he was high more than he was sober!” he chokes back a sob that
threatens to escape and tries to rapidly blink the burning sensation at the back of his eyes away
because he refuses to cry in front of Jimin. That would be selfish of him. He wasn’t the one barely
clinging onto life right now. “I knew that Jeongguk was fucking broken. I knew that someone
fucked him up in the head ‘cos the shit he did just wasn’t normal. But I ignored it. I ignored it
‘becos I thought I was protectin’ him. I thought that maybe one day he’d open up and talk about it.
I thought that maybe if I could just be there for him as a friend he would start to see the good in
people. I thought-” his throat constricts and Yoongi grinds his teeth together till his jaw aches.

Jimin smiles sadly at him, squeezing his hand in comfort. “You did your best to help him, hyung.”

Yoongi shakes his head. “I kept tellin’ myself that I was doing it for him, but it wasn’t. It was for
myself. It was ‘cos I was too afraid to face him. Jeongguk always told me that I was all he had in
this world and I was scared of losing him. I was so scared, Minnie. And now, he’s dying because of
me. He’s gonna die and it’s all my fault!”

And then his dam breaks open and Yoongi can’t stop the flood of tears that pour out or the sobs
that wrack his body and he hates himself for it. He hates himself for how weak and pathetic he
must look in front of his lover. He tries to wipe at his face with his free hand but it’s no use
because the tears won’t stop. His vision is blurry and he can’t even see straight because all Yoongi
can think about is how much he fucked up.

“I-I fuh-failed h-him,” he stutters. “I fuh-fucking f-failed him.”

Jimin pulls his shaking frame towards him and holds Yoongi tightly in his arms, hand running
through his black locks. “Shhh,” he hums. “You didn’t fail anyone.”
Yoongi only sobs harder into Jimin’s chest, soaking his shirt with his salty tears and snot. “Yuh-
you w-were ruh-right, Minnie. Y-you wuh-were ruh-right all along a-and I should’ve luh-listened
t-to you.”

“I-it’s okay, hyung,” Jimin murmurs, voice trembling. “It’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

But when Yoongi feels Jimin’s tears hit his shoulder, he’s not sure if Jimin even believes his own
words.

When Jeongguk’s consciousness finally returns to him, he briefly wonders if he’s in purgatory or
hell. But as he peels his eyelids open, vision swimming, the light is blinding and he realizes that
death wasn’t supposed to smell like antiseptic, and the sound of bells chiming was replaced by the
beeping machine that monitored his heartbeat.

He’s alive. He didn’t die.

Jeongguk should be happy, but all he feels is mind numbing shame. Because he was meant to die.
He was supposed to die alone in an empty street in the middle of the night in downtown Gwangju.
He had made peace with the fact that monsters like him weren’t meant to live. So why is he still
here? It’s not fair that the world continues to mock him. It’s not fucking fair, because dying? Yeah,
that’s easy. But living? Jeongguk doesn’t want anything to do with it. And it’s hypocritical,
because Jeongguk faintly remembers one of his last words being a soft plea of I don’t want to die.
And maybe he doesn’t, he just wants to blink out of existence. He wants to be nothing- nothingness
won’t consume him.

Jeongguk almost wants to apologize to whoever had the misfortune of finding his body. He hadn’t
planned to wake up. He hadn’t plan to hurt anyone else. But that seems to be all that he’s any good
at.

When his vision finally focuses, Jeongguk grimaces. His mind is foggy and his body feels heavy. It
takes great effort to turn his head because everything feels too slow but when he does, he nearly
chokes on his tongue that feels like lead in his mouth. There he is: the cause of every painful breath
that Jeongguk ever takes- his Kryptonite in the form of Kim Taehyung. He sits in a chair pulled up
to the hospital bed, lean figure slumped over, head resting atop his arm that is placed next to
Jeongguk’s thigh, free hand loosely holding onto the younger boy’s hand. There is warmth in them
that Jeongguk hasn’t felt in what seems like a lifetime. A warmth that had slipped through his
fingers like sand and ran away on the wind the day that Taehyung broke his heart. He hesitates on
the precipice of tearing himself away and lacing their fingers together. But it’s been three months
and some days and Jeon Jeongguk still doesn’t know how to let go, so he holds on tightly, savoring
the moment before he has to let go again. Before he’s left alone again.
Or: Taehyung will stay. He wants him to stay.

The older boy stirs and at that moment his eyes open and their gazes meet, Jeongguk feels the fear
seizing at his heart. Taehyung slowly lifts his head, not once taking his eyes off of him. What is
Jeongguk supposed to say in this situation? Why is Taehyung even here?

The realization that Taehyung being here means that he knows about what Jeongguk had done is
overwhelming. It means that Taehyung knows that he fucked up again. It means that Taehyung
knows about the drugs. He must really hate Jeongguk now. He must think that the boy is trashy
and disgusting. A worthless product of society that’s good for nothing but tearing everything down
around him. And Jeongguk knows that he is nothing but skin stretched across battered bones that
can barely hold him up- he doesn’t even want them to hold him up anymore. He wants to shatter
into a million pieces and be carried across the ocean and drown in the depths of the black sea. And
fuck, it sounds so over dramatic and emo, but Jeongguk doesn’t know how else to describe the hole
in his heart.

Jeongguk would rather die than face Taehyung right now. He’d rather throw himself out of the
window and hope that he’s at a high enough floor where he can plummet to his death. Everything
is wrong with Jeon Jeongguk. Nothing is ever right. Nothing ever was. This is a game that he
doesn’t want to be a part of anymore.

“Hey, hey,” Taehyung tightens his grasp, giving Jeongguk a reassuring squeeze and the boy
realizes that he’s shaking and that the beeping of the heart rate monitor is picking up, breaths
coming out as short and heavy gasps of air. “It’s okay,” he mutters softly. “You’re okay, Guk.”

None of this is okay.

“How are you feeling?”

“Shit,” Jeongguk croaks out, voice strained.

Taehyung releases his hand to move across the room and Jeongguk frowns at the loss of warmth.
“Heavy?” he asks as he returns with a cup of water.

Jeongguk nods and Taehyung pushes a button that moves the upper bed frame up into a sitting
position before he hands him the cup and Jeongguk almost sighs at how soothing the water is
going down his throat.

“Not surprised,” Taehyung says with a strained laugh. “They pumped you with a ton of Benzo’s to
keep you, uh, stabilized. The doctor said that you’d be feeling kinda loopy when you woke up.”

“Oh,” is all Jeongguk can mutter.

“Yeah.”

There’s a long moment of awkward silence where Taehyung shamelessly stares at Jeongguk and
Jeongguk looks around the room. His eyes wander everywhere but towards Taehyung aka the bane
of his existence. The tick of the clock that hangs on the wall is too loud with the time reading 6:43
p.m. and Jeongguk wonders exactly how long he’d been out.

“Taehyung,” the name feels foreign on his tongue and Jeongguk flinches as if he’d just been stung.
The older boy waits and with great uncertainty, as if he knows what’s coming. Jeongguk finally
looks his way. “Why are you here?”

Its then that Taehyung finally breaks eye contact, staring at the salmon colored walls instead as he
perches himself on the side of the bed. “I was worried.”

“I thought that you didn’t want to see me ever again.” Jeongguk doesn’t mean for his comment to
be scathing or bitter, but the words come out colder than he originally intended it to.

Taehyung recoils at the bluntness of Jeongguk’s words. “I didn’t mean it,” he says. “I...was hurt.”

“I know. So was I.”

Jeongguk’s tone is clipped and callous, and even though he wants nothing more than to hold
Taehyung close and kiss him silly, there’s a voice in his head that keeps saying he doesn’t want
you. No one wants you. So this distance is good. It’s supposed to be this way. Jeongguk would be
foolish to allow the flames to spread, so instead, he stomps the fire until there is nothing but ashes
and burnt leaves. It’s better this way.
“I’m sorry, Jeongguk. I really am.”

Said boy scoffs. “What do you have to apologize for? I’m the big bad wolf in this story
remember?”

Jeongguk doesn’t know why he feels so angry. He doesn’t know why he feels like a dormant
volcano ready to erupt and burn down everything in his path. He doesn’t know why Taehyung’s
apology settles into his bones in such a bitter way that he wants to do nothing more than to
regurgitate it back up.

He’s just- angry .

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung says his name so softly and it’s wrong. It’s so fucking wrong.

“No,” Jeongguk shakes his head with such force that his brain rattles and vision distorts. “You
can’t say sorry, not after all that. Not after you’ve already made up your mind about who I am.
What I am.” The anxiety rises in his throat like bile. “You hate me, remember? You wish that we’d
never met.”

“I don’t hate you. I didn’t mean-”

“You can’t take it back!” Jeongguk chokes out. “You can’t take it back, Taehyung.”

“I-I know that I’m disgusting. I know that I hurt you. I know that I’m messed up in the head and
that I’ve destroyed people, but you-” it’s like there’s mud rising in Jeongguk’s lungs and it’s
suffocating him. The young and battered ten year old in him is screaming at him to just keep
running away, but the Jeongguk of today doesn’t want to lie anymore. He’s tired of lying. He’s so
tired of running. “You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You were the only light in the
darkness and then you left and I,” he stares down at his hands that hold the blanket in a vice-like
clench, “I felt as if my whole entire world fell apart. You were always trying to figure me out and I
had this stupid delusion that you wouldn’t leave. I wanted you to understand me, no matter how
fucked up I was.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Taehyung asks, voice low and shaky. “Why didn’t you come
clean?”
Jeongguk looks up then, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes that he tries to desperately hold
back. “Because I was scared. How the fuck was I supposed to tell you something like that? ‘I want
you to know that I’m a fucking psychopath who dates people just to break up with them and at first
that was what I was going to do with you but then I accidentally fell in love.’ Would you have
given me a chance?”

Taehyung’s silent, lips pursed.

“Good things don’t come to people like me, Taehyung. And when they do, they never stay.”

No one ever stays.

And it’s the way that Taehyung looks at him through glassy eyes and says, “I want to stay,” that
Jeongguk finally breaks down. His sallow frame trembles with unceasing magnitude and the muted
cries come out as a broken wail, and it hurts. It hurts more than it ever did being forced to suck
dick in an alleyway or waking up with his underwear half off his ass. It hurts because Jeongguk is
alive and Taehyung is looking at Jeongguk like a person again.

Do even monsters deserve forgiveness?

“I’m suh- sorry, Tae,” he sobs, apology slipping out between intermits of gasps for air. “I’m so
fucking sorry for the way that I loved you when I didn’t even love myself.” He grips at the thin
material of the hospital gown, right above his heart. “But it was love. God , it was love and it still
is.”

“Then why, Jeongguk? Why?” Taehyung is crying softly, soft gasps and shaky breathes. “If you
really love me, then why did you do this to yourself? To me? I-I was so scared that you were going
to die.”

A choked laughter escapes from his lips. “Because it was like some kind of shitty revenge. ‘Cos I
thought that if I destroyed myself before you could- before the world could, I would win. This life
has already taken so much from me, Tae.” Jeongguk leans forward, still clutching at his chest as if
the emotional pain has manifested itself into a physical wound. He’s not supposed to feel this
wounded, this hurt. His heart isn’t supposed to want anything but booze and cocaine, and yet all
Jeongguk wants to do is hold Taehyung close and never let go because now, he’s sure that the
beautiful boy hung the moon. It’s like Jeongguk keeps picking at his own scabs, even though he
knows that he should leave them alone. But they’re never given any time to grow over and heal
because Taehyung is the fucking band-aid he needs, and it sounds so goddamn cliche, but
sometimes the cliches are truth.
Kim Taehyung is ephemeral happiness that Jeongguk couldn’t hold onto tightly enough. He’s that
kind of love that Jeongguk can’t help but chase after, even if it destroys him in the process.

“I wanted to keep whatever was left of me while I could. I thought I could win that way.”

But Jeongguk can’t ever beat this shitty world and he never will.

“Trying to kill yourself isn’t winning,” Taehyung says a little too loudly, just short of a shout.

Jeongguk looks up with wide eyes, cheeks wet. “I-I wasn’t trying to kill myself! I didn’t mean to
take so much. I-I duh-didn’t mean to.”

Taehyung scowls, angrily wiping at his eyes. “Well you weren’t exactly trying to live either,” he
points out bitterly. “You always had this look in your eye whenever I asked you about life. I never
knew what it was, but it scared me, y’know? But now I’ve realized that those are the eyes of
someone who is ready to give up on the world.” He glares at the ceiling, trying and failing to
control the hot tears that leave his face flushed a blotchy red. “I’m an idiot for not realizing how
much pain you were in sooner.”

“It’s not your fault.” Jeongguk sniffles and Taehyung looks at him when the boy takes his hands in
his slightly smaller ones. “I would never blame you, Tae. Never.”

Taehyung scoots closer to him and Jeongguk can’t help but bring a hand up to swipe his thumb
across his wet lashes before gently resting a hand on Taehyung’s cheek. “You’re still as beautiful
as I remember,” he mutters.

Taehyung blushes, shyly looking at the younger boy through his lashes and gnawing at his lower
lip. “Do you really love me?” the question is a low mumble that Jeongguk almost doesn’t quite
catch.

“Do you remember our first conversation?” Jeongguk inquires.

The blonde nods, corners of his mouth twitching upward. “Yeah, it was after you almost decked
that girl in the face for grabbing your dick.”
Jeongguk licks his lips, faint chuckle rumbling from his chest. “I’ve thought you were beautiful
since the moment we met. It was dark and I was kind of drunk, but I remember how you still
shined so brightly in the shitty dim light of the kitchen. I think I fell for you before we started
dating. Maybe it was on Halloween when our drunk asses laid under the stars like some
stereotypical high school sweethearts and the reflection of the moon made you glow. I remember
thinking, ‘ow, I haven’t ever seen anything so fucking precious but just when I thought I had
reached some kind of conclusion, you’d smile at me and it kinda hurt, y’know? ‘Cos you were so
beautiful but deep down I knew that you could never be mine. Being with you was like holding a
hand in a long, dark tunnel- I didn’t feel so lonely then. And even though I could never step out of
the shadows, at least I had you there, even if I knew that we didn’t have much time to begin with.”

He moves his hand down, thumb brushing against Taehyung’s lips, eliciting a content sigh as he
leans further into Jeongguk’s touch.

“I don’t know why I let you walk out like that,” he admits. “Maybe I was too scared of rejection, so
I thought that it was best to let you go. Maybe you would have stayed if I had the balls to fucking
tell you. If I had believed myself to be something worth staying for.” Jeongguk smiles softly. “So
yeah, I love you. I love you so much, Kim Taehyung.”

Saying those three words sober is a lot different than banging at Taehyung’s door in the middle of
the night and slurring them out. Saying it was one thing, but hearing it was another.

It’s all but a heartbeat later when Taehyung says bashfully but surely, “I love you too.”

And Jeongguk freezes up, breath knocked out of him as if he’d just been hit square in the chest,
because this can’t be real. The three words that Jeongguk had so desperately yearned for falling
from Taehyung’s lips can’t be real. Jeon Jeongguk isn’t meant to be loved. But here Taehyung is,
dark hickory eyes boring into Jeongguk’s soul, tearing off the drape and opening the cage to where
the boy promised that he would never venture again. And it’s a knee jerk reaction to pull away; to
close himself off. But Jeongguk has been running and hiding for so many years and it’s so tiring.

Jeongguk is scared, he’s so scared, but when Taehyung leans forward and closes the distance
between them, all of the anxiety he feels fades away and all he can focus on is how soft
Taehyung’s lips are. Taehyung kisses him with such delicate passion that it aches. There’s no teeth
or tongue, just the slow movement of their lips and fuck, Jeongguk feels like crying again.

“Stay with me,” he says the moment that Taehyung pulls back, face hovering mere centimeters
away. “I know that I don't always say what I'm thinking and I’m not right for you, but I want you to
stay. Please stay with me.”
Jeongguk knows that he’s being selfish. He knows that he should let Taehyung move on to
someone less damaged, less broken. But Jeongguk doesn’t think that he can live without Taehyung.
A life without him would be meaningless.

Taehyung nods. “I’m not going anywhere this time.”

“Promise?”

He plants a kiss to Jeongguk’s forehead, smoothing his messy saccharine brown hair. “I promise.
We’ll figure things out one step at a time, okay?” The younger mutters back a silent okay.

“Guk?”

Both of the boy’s turn their heads in surprise. Taehyung sighs in relief, when he sees Yoongi and
Jimin hovering by the door. Jeongguk on the other hand doesn’t know exactly how to react to
seeing his best friend for the first time since their fight.

Was the elder gonna yell at him? Call him a piece of shit and tell him to drink his life away again?
Jeongguk doesn’t know, but he braces himself anyway.

“Hey, hyung,” he mutters.

The only response Jeongguk gets is the slight down turn of his friends lips, hands stuffed into his
pockets. Jeongguk wonders how much more he could let Yoongi down before he left for good. He
wonders if this really was the last straw.

Jimin’s across the room in a second, practically throwing himself at Jeongguk, arms wrapped
tightly around his neck. The younger boy just sits there, unsure of what to do as he continues
whatever weird staring contest is going on between himself and the eldest.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Jimin breathes out. “You really scared us, y’know that?” He whispers
the next part into Jeongguk’s ear. “He won’t admit it, but Yoongi hyung cried a lot and didn’t even
get a wink of sleep.”
And as Jeongguk’s eyes scan over Yoongi, he takes in the dark circles under his eyes and the
sallow dullness of his skin. He looks haggard, hair greasy as if he hadn’t taken a proper bath in
days. His posture is slumped, heavy, and when Jeongguk tears his gaze away to observe Taehyung,
he sees the same kind of tiredness reflected in the blonde.

Jeongguk feels a new onslaught of fresh tears pricking at his eyes. He tries to hold them back
again, he really does, but seeing his friends now is like a kick in the stomach because he doesn’t
deserve them: not their love, support, or concern. People like Jeon Jeongguk don’t deserve people
like the three boys in the room with him.

So the dam bursts yet again, and Jimin holds the boy tighter when he feels his form start to shake
with sobs as the tears hit his shoulder.

“I-I’m suh-sorry,” Jeongguk apologizes yet again. “I’m s-so sorry. I didn’t muh-mean t-to hurt
anyone.”

“We know,” Jimin chokes, rubbing his back soothingly. “We know, Jeongguk.”

Yoongi takes slow, steady steps forward, expression impassive as he says, “you’re a goddamn
idiot.”

“I-I know.”

“A real idiot.”

“Yeah.”

And then the hardened lines of the elder’s face softens. “I missed you,” he says honestly, cheeks
dusted a light pink as he scratches at the tip of his nose nervously. “And I’m glad that you’re still
here.” He blinks rapidly, nose scrunching up for a second as he wets his lips. “Can I, uh, hug you or
something?”

Jeongguk bites his tongue, nodding as Jimin pulls back and moves out of the way. For a moment,
Yoongi simply stands awkwardly, leaning his weight on one foot and then shifting to another
before he clears his throat perching himself at the edge of the bed and leaning down to pull
Jeongguk into his arms.

It’s weird at first. Min Yoongi isn’t exactly an affection guy to anyone who isn’t Park Jimin and
Jeongguk is used to throwing insults as a form of comfort. He pats Jeongguk’s back awkwardly at
first, but then his hold on the boy tightens and Jeongguk fits his chin onto Yoongi’s small shoulder.

Yoongi doesn’t let go for a long while, nor does he say anything and Jeongguk knows that the elder
is just trying to collect himself, so he gives him that quiet moment. And then he pats the back of
Jeongguk’s head, letting out a deep unsteady sigh.

“Welcome home, kid,” he whispers.

Jeongguk pretends that his words don’t make him cry any harder.

“I’m home,” he says. “I’m finally home.”

Jeongguk is released from the hospital the next morning after a very brief mental evaluation, in
which Jeongguk had somehow managed to assure the doctors that he wasn’t trying to kill himself.
Yoongi suggests that Jeongguk see a psychiatrist, to which the younger immediately clams up and
rejects the idea, insisting that he’s perfectly fine, but the elder is completely unconvinced.

“You need to see someone, Guk.”

“I don’t want to, hyung. Please let me go home.”

The insistence turns into bickering, which begins to evolve into Yoongi’s eyebrows knitting into a
scowl as he grows more frustrated with the youngest and his adamant refusal to see a damn
psychiatrist. Jeongguk tries to not get upset, but he’s fucking exhausted and the hospital room is
stifling, and he just wants to be surrounded by familiar things that bring him comfort- which
doesn’t involve being stuck in a hospital with his best friend practically demanding that he see a
shrink.

Sensing that this back and forth will only escalate into an argument that the both of them will
regret, Jimin steps in, tugging on Yoongi’s sleeve and whispering something in his ear that
Jeongguk assumes is about the fragility of his current mental state.

Yoongi relents with a huff. “Fine, but you’re not allowed anywhere near the frat house by
yourself.”

Jeongguk is put on some kind of probation by his friends. He’s taken straight to Jimin and
Taehyung’s apartment and is ushered into his lover’s room. Even though the younger had slept for
an entire lifetime, he wasn’t feeling any better. It’s been thirty hours without cocaine, something
that wouldn’t have bothered Jeongguk too much a few months ago, but losing Taehyung had sent
him into a spiral of recklessness and Jeongguk could no longer stand being sober. A few hours
without his fix is one thing because he usually has alcohol to substitute it, but thirty hours
completely sober was another thing.

Cocaine withdrawals were never a pretty sight, and the Valium that the doctor had prescribed him
to help were kept locked away by his friends for quote, safety measures, end quote. But Jeongguk
knew that no one trusted him alone with any drug substance. Valium was a double edged sword.
While it was supposed to help reduce the crippling anxiety that always came with the withdrawals,
it was also addictive.

Jeongguk wasn’t stupid, Taehyung had been sleeping when the doctor had pulled Jimin and
Yoongi aside. The younger had tiptoed to the door, pressing his cheek flat against the mahogany,
waiting with bated breath.

“If Jeongguk is to completely recover, he’s going to need all of the support that he can get ,” the
doctor had said in a soft, low voice . “I’d say that the relapse rate for someone as chronically
addicted as Jeongguk is around 70%.” Jimin had gasped softly at that. “ He mustn’t be left alone
under any circumstances. Try to keep him busy, anything that’ll keep his mind focused on other
things.”

And his friends did try, but it wasn’t easy and Jeongguk put them through hell.

The first two days were bearable. The Valium kept the symptoms at bay with the only sign of
Jeongguk’s withdrawals being the way that his hands shook and the steady, dull ache at the back of
his head. The crash made him lethargic and Jeongguk found himself taking naps every few hours.
When he was awake, Taehyung would drag him to the living room and they’d cuddle on the sofa
and watch movies- though by the end, the younger was always fast asleep.

There was a spark of confidence in Jeongguk that told him that kicking his addiction would be a
piece of cake- that is until he woke up at 5 a.m. on the fourth day and barely made it to the
bathroom in time before he was puking his guts up. His skin was clammy and every time Jeongguk
would lean away from the toilet, the vertigo would come back with a vengeance and he’d be
keeling back over the toilet again.

Taehyung had kind of freaked out, but Jimin had just assured him that it was just another thing that
Jeongguk would have to push past. He had been given a tablet of Valium after his convulsions
stopped, but it seemed to have no effect. Jeongguk asked for another dose, but had been met with
firm refusals, thus eliciting a lot of fuck you’s from the younger whose temper would flare at the
slightest of notions.

On the fifth day, Jeongguk awoke this time at 4 a.m. screaming bloody murder. The macabre
sound so piercing that Taehyung falls out of bed before jumping to his feet, hair practically a nest
and bleary eyes wide.

“Gukkie, what’s wrong?”

“The bugs! The bugs!” Jeongguk screams hysterically.

“What the-”

“They’re everywhere,” he sobs. “They’re everywhere, Tae.”

Jeongguk could not understand how Taehyung couldn’t see the bugs slinking along the wallpaper.
Taehyung keeps shushing him and calling it a nightmare, but Jeongguk is sure that it’s real.

He falls asleep at some point, though he doesn’t know when. Somewhere in between the blurred
lines of Taehyung holding him and brush away Jeongguk’s sweat damp hair that clung to his face,
to the bugs crawling up and down the walls that distorted like summer heat against pavement,
Jeongguk had blacked out.

He doesn’t remember what he dreamt of when he wakes, but he wakes up with a sporadic jerk, a
sharp intake of oxygen whistling it’s way to his lungs. Jeongguk’s body feels heavy and he aches
all over. It’s too hot despite the fact that he’s shivering as if he’d just walked through a winter
storm.

Jimin is there, sitting on the bed with one leg folded so that his ankle rests on his thigh. His back is
to the younger and he talks in a low, whispered voice on the phone.

“...yeah, the current dosage just isn’t doing it. He’s sick all of the time and hardly conscious…
yes… I know that this is normal but… yeah… I’m just scared for him... two pills a day? That
sounds good… mhm… thanks doc.”

Jimin ends the call with a deep sigh, shoulders sagging as he slumps forward, running his hands
through his hair as he lets out yet another weary exhale.

Jeongguk’s not sure whether he should be pretend to be asleep or not, but he isn’t given a chance to
decide because Jimin has already turned around, surprise and guilt flashing across his face before it
quickly morphs into a smile.

Jeongguk figures that he wasn’t supposed to hear anything.

“You’re awake!” the older boy chirps.

He nods, tongue feeling like sandpaper against the roof of his mouth.

“I heard you had a bad dream last night.” Jimin places a soothing hand against the younger’s arm.
“Tae said that you kept screaming about there being bugs on the walls.”

Jeongguk presses his lips together into a thin line.

“You aren’t seeing them anymore, are you?” his friend inquires, leaning forward slightly and
moving his hand up Jeongguk’s arm to brush away strands of hair that have once again plastered to
his sticky, hot skin.

“No,” the younger’s whisper is barely audible.

Jeongguk tries to ignore the sound of tiny feet crawling inside of the wall and he doesn’t
understand why Jimin can’t hear them. The sounds are so acute that it’s almost as if they’ve
crawled inside of his ear. The thought makes him shudder.
Jimin smiles even wider, eyes disappearing into crescents. “Good. If you ever see things like that
again, just remember that it isn’t real, Gukkie.”

A weak upturn of the mouth plays at Jeongguk’s dry and cracked lips, and he once again assures
the older boy that it was just a bad dream.

He doesn’t tell Jimin that they’re still there.

He doesn’t tell Taehyung.

Or Yoongi.

Jeongguk was sure that it couldn’t get any worse, but over the next few days it does. Sleeping at
night because a pipe dream because night terrors plague the boy. It’s always the same scene that
replays over and over again: Ten year old Jeongguk hides under his bed once he hears the sound of
the front door slamming closed and heavy boots against the hardwood floor of the living room. He
hears his mother’s screams and his father’s voice booming and reverberating through his bedroom
door and shaking the walls like a banshee. There’s the sound of glass breaking and then macabre
silence that seems to stretch out into eternity. Then, the cumbersome footfalls of his father sounds
again, growing closer, louder, until it’s pounding into Jeongguk’s skull and he nearly throws up.
And then the silence grows thick again before the door is swung open with such force that it
bounces against the already dented wall, from all the other countless times the doorknob slammed
into the plaster.

“Jeongguk.”

His father’s slurred voice elicits goosebumps as ten year old Jeongguk slaps a hand over his mouth
to muffle his laboured breathing, tears streaming sideways, over the bridge of his nose to fall into
the little puddle of salt that had started to collect.

“Juh-Jeonggukie, come out. Yer d-daddy muh-misses yah.”

Jeongguk doesn’t move.

His father chuckles. A vicious sound that rumbles in his chest.

“Yah k-know that duh-daddy don’t like tah p-play hide n seek wuh-with you.”

When his father is met with silence yet again he grumbles to himself before stomping a foot down
in some sort of tantrum. Jeongguk jumps at this before pressing himself back into the wall and
trying to make himself as small as possible.

“I suh-said tah come out ya lil’ bastard!”

And then he erupts into a storm of fury, sweeping everything off of Jeongguk’s desk. School
books, papers, pens and pencils clatter to the floor. His father picks up the boy’s mini lamp that had
been atop his dresser and throws it to the ground. Glass shards shatter everywhere, stray pieces
sliding underneath the bed and hitting his bare arm.

It’s scary. It’s so scary and Jeongguk can do nothing but squeeze his eyes shut and press his tiny
hands against his ears and wait for it all to end. It always ends at some point or another. It always
does.

The horrendous sound of everything breaking and falling over stops eventually and all that is left in
the quiet is the labored breathing of Jeongguk’s father as he mutters curses under his breath. But
even that comes to a standstill as well.

The clock ticks and another five minutes pass before Jeongguk’s body relaxes and he dares to open
his eyes.

Big mistake.

He comes face to face with his father, on his hands and knees, looking underneath the bed and
straight at the mortified boy. His grins widely, teeth yellow and gums nearly black from chewing
tobacco. His eyes are bloodshot and crazed and Jeongguk finds that the terror has lodged itself in
his throat and he cannot make a sound.

“Peek-a-boo,” his father coos, chuckling darkly. “I see you.”

And then his father reaches out and grabs Jeongguk by the ankle before dragging him out from
underneath the bed. The boy really does scream this time, the shards of glass cut him as he slides
across the hardwood floor, smearing blood across the surface.

His father is on top of him in an instant. He sits his heavy frame atop Jeongguk who attempts to
struggle, arms flailing in panic.

“Why wuh-would yah hide from me, muh-my little cookie?” his father looks genuinely hurt, but
then it morphs into rage and he’s wrapping his large hands around his son’s slender throat, thumbs
pressing into his windpipe to the point where Jeongguk can practically feel his eyes bulging out of
his head.

He hits at his father’s arms, which is pointless and only makes the man begin to laugh in manic
glee. In a desperate attempt at freeing himself, Jeongguk reaches out and grabs at his father’s face,
but to his horror, the skin that he grips at begins to peel and rip away. His small hands continue to
rip and pull and he begins to scream because underneath the skin of his father is a horrid monster.
His flesh is an ugly red and sticky to touch. His eyes turn black and he bares his razor sharp teeth.

“I love and take care of you and this is how you treat me!” his father’s voice has turned into
something terribly demonic, pupils expanding until they’re pitch black. “You worthless piece of
shit!”

His hands have turned into claws and he shakes Jeongguk by the neck like a ragdoll before
releasing him. The boy isn’t even given a chance to catch his breath because the monster is wailing
at him, claws slicing into his cheeks and a fist hitting him square in the nose until he hear
something crack.

Jeongguk screams and screams.

“You’re the son I could never be proud of! How can someone be such a disappointment?”

Another blow that cuts the inside of his cheek. Jeongguk can taste blood thick on his tongue.

“You should have never been born.”

He sobs hysterically.
“Puh-please daddy! Please!”

“You were a mistake.”

This time, an open backhand to his already wounded cheek.

“I d-don’t wanna hurt a-anymore daddy!” he begs, howling in pain.

“You shouldn’t be alive.”

“Stop it!”

It hurts.

“Me and your mother never wanted a son as worthless as you.”

It hurts.

“Daddy I didn’t mean to!”

And then the monster that’s disguised himself as Jeongguk’s father is wrapping his claws around
his bruised, slender neck, once again and choking the life out of him.

“You should disappear now.”

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Jeongguk awakes with a shrill scream that practically ruptures his vocal chords. His legs kick in
panic at the blankets as his hands fly to wrap themselves around his neck.
“I’m sorry!” he screams. “Daddy please forgive me! Please forgive me!”

There’s a black figure hovering over him, pressing down, choking him. Jeongguk is sure that he’s
going to die. He was sure that he had escaped the ghosts of his past by running all the way to Seoul
and starting anew, but things always seemed to come back to haunt him and now he was going to
die.

“Jeongguk!”

“I’m sorry!”

He doesn’t want to disappear alone like this. It’s dark and scary and he can’t even breathe. His
father smiles manically at him, malevolence reflected into his black orbs. The boy doesn’t want to
die like this. He wants to see Taehyung. He wants to escape from this. So he squeezes his eyes
shut.

“Jeongguk!”

Then he’s being shook and things aren’t so opaque. When Jeongguk opens his tear filled eyes
again, it isn’t to black eyes and red skin, it’s to a very scared looking Taehyung hovering over him
and yanking at the boy’s wrist.

“Jeongguk stop!” he shouts. “You’re choking yourself. Stop.”

Slowly realizing that it’s his own hands and not that of the monster’s strangling the life out of him,
Jeongguk loosens his grip and allows Taehyung to pull his hands away. But the sudden intake of
air whistling down his throat to fill his constricting lungs makes him nauseous and he barely has
time to push Taehyung away and roll off the bed, right shoulder hitting the floor with jarring force.
With some luck, he manages to lift his head up just in time to hurl all over the laminate flooring.
The liquid splatters up his arms and across the glossy surface, the foul taste stuck in his nose.

Taehyung is at his side all too soon, hand rubbing soothing circles into his back as he wretches all
over his lover’s bedroom floor. Sobbing and throwing up his insides at the same time is a difficult
task and Jeongguk ends up nearly choking on his own vomit.

He barely registers the door opening and a very panicked and disgruntled Jimin flying in with
Yoongi close behind, shoe poised in his hand as if he were about to fight off an intruder with it.

“What the fuck,” Yoongi breathes out, eyes wide at the sight of his friend.

Jimin looks just as speechless as Jeongguk pants heavily, squeezing his eyes shut as Taehyung
continues to rub his back in comfort.

But Jeongguk is scared shitless.

He’s so scared that his bladder decides to fuck him over and a moment later he feels a wetness that
practically drenches his boxers and leaks out to mix with the putrid smell of vomit. Jeon Jeongguk
quite literally pisses himself.

Again.

The shame and fear is enough to make him start wailing hysterically once more.

“Fuck,” Yoongi mutters.

“Oh, baby.” Taehyung’s words are ladened heavily with pity as he pulls Jeongguk into his chest,
ignoring the smell of piss and vomit.

“‘m suh-sorry. Suh-so sorry.”

“Shh,” Taehyung hushes, rocking his lover’s shaking frame back and forth in his arms.

“I- I’ll buh-be a g-g-good boy so puh-please don’ hate me.”

Jeongguk’s words are a jumbled mess and he’s not even sure if anyone can quite understand what
he’s saying.
“You’re a very good boy,” Taehyung assures him, voice kind. “You’re not bad at all, Gukkie.”

Taehyung raises his head to make eye contact with the other two boy’s. An unspoken
understandment passed through their shared gazes before he turns back to Jeongguk with a soft
smile on his face and says, “you’re safe with us, baby. You’re safe.”

“I wuh-was so s-scared that he wuh-was guh-gonna t-take me away.”

“Who was gonna take you away?” the older boy inquires softly.

But Jeongguk simply frantically shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut, the panic beginning to
well in his breast yet again.

“Hey, hey.” Taehyung attempts to calm his lover from having yet another anxiety attack, placing a
warm palm against Jeongguk’s flushed cheeks. “We don’t have to talk about it, alright? Just know
that you’re safe. Everything is going to be okay and no one is coming for you, Gukkie. You trust
me on that, right? You trust that we’ll protect you?”

Jeongguk peels open his eyes yet again, nodding dumbly.

“Right now we gotta get you up and into the bath though, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Jeongguk wants to tell Taehyung that he’d do anything for him, but instead, he gives yet another
dumb nod of his head.

“Up we go!”

Taehyung pulls the younger up, who stumbles on his feet and leans in to Taehyung’s chest and has
a vice-like grip on the front of his t-shirt.

He encircles a strong arm around Jeongguk’s waist and says, “we’re gonna go take a warm bath
and get you into nice clean clothes while Jimin and Yoongi hyung clean this up.”
“‘Kay,” Jeongguk croaks lamely.

They pass Yoongi, who stares at the ground and refuses to make eye contact, while Jimin gives a
sad smile and says. “Everything will be okay, Jeongguk. I promise.”

If there’s one thing that Jeongguk has learned in his twenty years of life, it’s that no one is good at
keeping their promise. And lately, he’s begun to question what the meaning of okay really is.

After Taehyung had sat with Jeongguk in the bath tub for nearly half an hour, tracing constellations
into his skin and kissing his wet shoulder as he whispered sweet nothing’s into his lover’s ear to
soothe him, no one talked about what happened that night. No one talked about Jeongguk’s sallow
skin and sunken eyes that seemed to hold all of the terrors of the world in the dullness of dark
hickory.

When Jeongguk had returned to the bedroom with still unsteady legs, the floor had been cleaned
and the air smelled of disinfectant, erasing all and any traces of the way that he had humiliated
himself. Jeongguk didn’t want to speak and Taehyung didn’t even try.

Neither of them slept that night. They just laid there in overwhelming silence with Taehyung
pretending to sleep and Jeongguk staring up at the ceiling, too afraid to close his eyes because there
was a monster hidden behind the darkness of shut eyes

But Jeongguk knew that his friends were just afraid. They were afraid to find out what terrible truth
could scare the great Jeon Jeongguk to the point where he caved in on himself, to the point of
pissing himself. It was easier to just blame it on the withdrawals, which was only half the truth. It
was easier to say that it was just another thing that would pass, but Jeongguk didn’t know how to
get over fifteen years of bruised arms and shattered kneecaps. He only knew how to run and hide.

And despite it all, contrary to his initial presumptuous beliefs, Jimin’s promise follows through
because Jeongguk does slowly start to feel better. The headaches are no longer as intense and he
can look move around without nearly collapsing and throwing up his insides. His body temperature
no longer flares, but his mood certainly does.

The outbursts of anger come suddenly and without warning. There’s never a specific thing that
triggers Jeongguk. Sometimes Jimin’s being a little too friendly; too caring. Taehyung’s touching
him one time too many, or Yoongi is well...Yoongi. It had been a hard adjustment for his friends
and Jimin had certainly cried on days when Jeongguk was particularly mean. Sometimes things got
physical, particularly when Yoongi was involved.
Jeongguk had ended up throwing a chair at his best friend when he’d called the younger an
insensitive prick. And there were a couple of times when Jeongguk’s rage had nearly blinded him
and he’d lunge across the room and try to grab at the elder, but fortunately he was never
successful. But most of the time, it was verbal anger and Jeongguk could never stop his mouth
from opening and saying awful things to his friends.

Surprisingly, it was Namjoon who seemed to handle Jeongguk’s drastic mood swings with the
most level headedness besides Taehyung (who was a fucking angel by the way.) The younger had
been too embarrassed to see Namjoon when Yoongi had told him that their frat house president
was the one who found him. There was a confounding sense of shame that ate away at Jeongguk
knowing that Namjoon had been the one to stumble across his near corpse. He didn’t want to know
of what the older man could possibly think of him now.

So, he avoided the pink haired man as long as he could.

Which didn’t last long because after six days, he had quite literally barged into Taehyung’s room
and dragged the boy out into the living room. There had been a lot of protests on the younger’s
end, but Namjoon had simply ruffled his dark brown locks and said, I missed you, man and after a
few minutes of Jeongguk’s sour expression, he had relented when he realized that Kim Namjoon
most certainly did not hate him. They’d spent the day marathoning Superman movies and Namjoon
hadn’t brought up the overdose, whatsoever.

But it quickly became apparent that an anxious, shaky, and moody Jeon Jeongguk was not a nice
Jeon Jeongguk.

While the Valium relaxed his nerves greatly, there was only so much the medication could do and
there were days when Jeongguk refused to take the circular blue tablets because he hated feeling
sleepy and foggy 24/7. Those days were the worst.

Namjoon came around too often and his constant presence became the center of the boy’s verbal
assault. When it seemed as if Jeongguk was about to snap, fingers thrumming against his bouncing
in leg in irritation, Namjoon would always find a way to direct Jeongguk’s attention elsewhere
from his unsuspecting friends and lover. And despite having every terrible insult and personal
attack thrown at him, Namjoon never lost his cool.

It’s okay Jeongguk, I know that you don’t mean anything you say, he’d say with a dimpled smile.
We’re all here to get through this together, yeah?
And Jeongguk knew that he didn’t deserve his friends.

He knew that he didn’t deserve Taehyung.

It’s another day without Valium and Jeongguk finds himself spread out on his back on Taehyung’s
bed with his legs hanging off the end. Today he doesn’t feel angry, but more sad than anything.
He’s not sure if sad is the right word, but there’s a heaviness that sits on his chest and so he had
resigned himself to his Taehyung's room, but now the quiet makes him anxious because it gives
him time to reflect over the turbulence that is his life. Some months ago, Jeongguk had liked
hurting people, but now all he can think about is the broken expressions of the countless girls he
had promised love to and it makes him feel sick. This emptiness is different. It’s the emptiness of
guilt that eats away at his insides like acid.

There’s a light knock on the bedroom door before it opens and Taehyung cautiously sticks his head
in. And Jeongguk can’t help but smile at the nervousness in his large eyes because despite this
being his room, Taehyung is awfully polite.

“Jeongguk?” his name sits hesitantly on the older boy’s tongue. Jeongguk hums in
acknowledgment. “Are you okay?”

“Come here, Tae,” he says instead, closing his eyes. “Come lay with me.”

Jeongguk hears Taehyung scamper across the room before the bed dips with his weight and despite
the sliver of space left between the two, he can still feel the warmth of his lover’s body. Jeongguk
turns his head and opens his eyes to find Taehyung staring at him, bottom lip snagged in between
his teeth, and Jeongguk knows that Taehyung is nervous because he’s not sure what mood
Jeongguk is in today.

“I’m fine,” he says finally. “I’m...better than usual.”

This causes a smile to bloom across Taehyung’s face and Jeongguk’s breath is nearly taken away
right there and then because the blonde has always seemed to have that dizzying effect on him.

“I’m glad,” Taehyung whispers. “I don’t ever want you to go away, Gukkie. Whether it be
willingly or by the headlights of a semi, I couldn’t handle it. I- I just couldn’t.”
“I know, Tae. I know. And I’m sorry that I didn’t see that before.”

Taehyung moves closer until their foreheads are touching and he reaches out to tangle their fingers
together in comfort.

“Why’d you do it?” the murmured question is whispered against the curves of Jeongguk’s cheeks
and even if there’s no context, they both know what the inquiry entails. Jeongguk knew that it was
something that he would have to answer for eventually.

“You know how when you’re in a car and it’s pouring down rain and you go under a bridge and
just for a moment, everything is calm; everything is quiet, before you come out the other side and
back into the chaos?” he starts and Taehyung nods. “Cocaine was my bridge. It was my peace.
My sanctuary.”

“Even if it was temporary?”

“Even if it was temporary.”

“I wish that I could have been your bridge,” Taehyung confesses, averting his gaze elsewhere as
shame turns the tip of his nose a light shade of pink. Jeongguk can tell that he’s angry with himself,
and it’s like the hospital all over again. “But I was a dumbass who left you when you needed me
the most.”

“It’s not your fault, Tae,” the younger says softly but firmly. “It never was and never will be.”

“How?” his severe eyes turn sharply back to stare at Jeongguk square in the face. “I should have
know. Hell, a part of me already knew. You always seemed to be the one smiling the most and
laughing louder than anyone else in the room. But whenever you thought that no one else was
looking, I saw it. I saw how fucking lost and broken you were, and I still left.”

Jeongguk gives a sad smile. “Even if you did know, then what?”

“I would have helped you.”

“And what if I didn’t want help?”

“Then I...I..” Taehyung hesitates, unsure of what to say.

“I would have pushed you away." Jeongguk is honest. “In my fear of losing you, I would have
pushed you away.”

“Jeongguk…”

“I don’t know how it would happen. Maybe it would have been something miniscule that made
you snap. Or maybe you would see someone and think, why have him when I can have this? I
don’t know how it would happen. But every goddamn day when you’d kiss me and everything
seemed to be too perfect, I wondered if it would finally happen. If you’d grow tired and leave.”

“I-”

“Even now, I still wonder if you’ll give up on me,” the younger cuts off. There’s an aching in his
chest at the dark confession, because now they both know that if Taehyung were to leave, he’d be
taking a piece of Jeongguk that he could never take back.

There’s a long silence that stretches out into minutes. Taehyung seems uncertain of what to say and
Jeongguk is too scared to speak. But then, he untangles their fingers from each other and ghosts his
hand up Jeongguk’s arm, tracing the curves of his neck, before resting his palm on his cheek.

“Jeon Jeongguk, you are amazing and fucking gorgeous and I wouldn’t have been able to pass Calc
without you. How can someone so smart not see this? Why can’t you see how lovely you truly
are?”

Jeongguk can feel the tears stinging at his eyes. He doesn’t know how to tell Taehyung that all his
life, he had been told that his existence was worthless. So he closes his lids instead and tries to will
the tears away, which is harder said than done with Taehyung brushing his thumb soothingly
against his cheek.

“I love you,” Taehyung says suddenly before the younger can even find an appropriate way to
respond. “I love you so much that it hurts to know that you don’t love yourself as much as I love
you.”
Jeongguk’s eyes pop open wide at this. “Tae,” he chokes.

“Do you love me?”

Jeongguk nods dumbly, words stuck in his throat.

Taehyung grins widely at this. “Then it’s settled. I will never leave you. Not now, and not ever.”

Jeongguk can think of a thousand ways to tell the older boy that he loves him, but none of them can
be compressed down into words. Kim Taehyung is perfect in a way that can never quite be justified
into a mere sentence or two. He’s perfect in a way that only Jeongguk’s heart can understand, and
all he can think is ah, so this is the one that I’ve been waiting for?

Yeah, it’s definitely love.

And when their lips finally met, Jeongguk gasps because he could not remember what it felt like to
be touched so gently. Taehyung rolls over until he’s straddling the younger underneath him. His
tongue licks against Jeongguk’s bottom lip and the boy is all too pliant underneath his touch,
mouth opening willingly as he lets out a soft moan at the lingering taste of hot chocolate. There’s
nothing rough about the way that Taehyung kisses him. It’s all too affectionate and loving,
something that initially would have made Jeongguk uncomfortable a couple of months ago, back
when he didn’t do feelings.

It doesn’t take long for the kiss to heat up into something more passionate until Taehyung pulls
back a few minutes later and they’re both gasping for air. Jeongguk isn’t given another moment to
regain his composure because Taehyung had truly kissed him silly and now he’s latched his mouth
onto the smooth curve where Jeongguk’s neck and shoulder meet. He shudders as Taehyung slinks
his hand underneath hiss shirt to crawl up the expanse of Jeongguk’s stomach, to his chest before
he rolls a nipple in between the pads of his fingers.

Jeongguk’s back instantly arches at this as he let’s out a soft mewl. “ A-ah, Tae.”

Taehyung chuckles into his neck before trailing butterfly kisses along his jaw, to pepper them onto
flushed cheeks and then the tip of his nose, placing one last, firm kiss against his swollen lips.
“Let me take care of you today,” he says. Jeongguk furrows his eyebrows, doe eyes wide in
confusion as he asks his lover what he means. “Let me treat you,” Taehyung says, pulling
Jeongguk up into a sitting position so that he can take his shirt off. When the piece of clothing is
discarded, Taehyung pushes him back onto the bed and Jeongguk can’t help but laugh.

“Gonna suck my dick?” he goads playfully as Taehyung climbs off his lap and begins to bite,
nibble, and kiss his way down Jeongguk’s chest. The erection in his pants blatantly obvious
without underwear on. Jeongguk would have been embarrassed at the fact that he had gotten hard
so fast, if not for the fact that he and Taehyung hadn’t fucked in months.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything for a moment, kissing just below Jeongguk’s navel as he lifts the
younger’s hips and slides the sweats right off.

“Even better,” Taehyung murmurs, hot breath ghosting over his cock. “Can I eat you out, Guk?”

Jeongguk feels his face heat up in embarrassment as he subconsciously squeezes his legs together.
“I, uh, don’t bottom. You know that.”

Taehyung hums, moving his legs apart to kiss and nip at the inside of his thighs, eliciting a breathy
gasp from the younger. “Is it that you don’t bottom, or that you’re afraid of not being in control?”

Jeongguk doesn’t answer.

“Fuck, I wanna do it. I wanna taste you, baby. Please let me taste you.”

Jeongguk let’s out a guttural groan at Taehyung’s words, breath quickening and the rise and fall of
his chest erratic. The thought of another man dominating him when Jeongguk had valued the
complete control he had over everyone in his life with manipulation emits a sense of shame in him,
because Taehyung is right, the loss of control is terrifying and the thought makes his cock twitch,
fear of the unknown mixed with excitement.

He wants to know what it’s like to give it away- the dominance.

“I-I guess that we can try,” Jeongguk relents.

Taehyung leans back on his heels, grinning widely and Jeongguk briefly thinks that if it meant that
he got to see Taehyung smile like that all the time, he’d let him eat his ass any day.

“Turn over,” Taehyung tells him, glee clear in his tone as he peels his shirt off and tosses it across
the room without thought.

Jeongguk obeys, albeit with hesitation. He rolls over onto his stomach as Taehyung retrieves lube
and a condom across the room before bouncing back onto the bed like an excited five year old.

“Aren’t you a bit too eager about this?” Jeongguk all but whines with a slight pout.

The blonde laughs at this, before giving his ass a firm smack. “Maybe.”

He lifted Jeongguk onto his knees, pushing against his back so that it curves down with his ass in
the air, and fuck, Jeongguk feels embarrassed at how exposed he is as Taehyung nudges his legs
further apart. It's all so dirty and kind of hot.

“Jeongguk,” he says in between kisses pressed against Jeongguk’s ass. “You’ve got a nice butt. I
mean, it’s not like Jimin’s, because let’s face it, he has the ass of a god.”

“Are you trying to kill my boner talking about Jimin?”

Taehyung snorts at this. “C’mon, Jimin may be my best friend and all but even I know how
fuckable he is.”

“I would never- ah,” he gasps breathlessly when Taehyung delivers a playful nip before kissing the
red mark.

Taehyung leans forward, kissing and licking at Jeongguk’s ear before saying, “you’re already so
hard for me, baby, and I haven’t even started.”

“Tuh-Tae.”
The blonde kisses along his spine, back to the rounded curves of his ass before pressing his tongue
flat against his hole, the action so sudden that Jeongguk yelps and bucks away at the sensation.

“Shh,” Taehyung hushes, grabbing firmly at his hips and pulling Jeongguk back towards him. “Just
let me make you feel good, baby.”

Taehyung spreads his cheeks wider and the younger squirms underneath him. At first, Taehyung
prods, tongue tracing around the entrance and causing Jeongguk to shudder, the ring of muscle
tightening instinctively. It takes a lot to not push his head away, especially when Taehyung begins
to push at his entrance with his tongue, gasping when the wet muscle slips inside.

There’s no instant gratification of pleasure. The sensation is strange and foreign, and it kind of
feels like Jeongguk has to shit, but it’s also warm and wet and Jeongguk isn’t quite sure how he’s
supposed to feel about it. Seemingly having trouble with fitting his tongue inside, Taehyung
aimlessly feels around for the lube while he continues to try and open Jeongguk up with his tongue.
He takes his time in warming the lube up, pulling back for a brief moment just to tell him that it’s
strawberry flavored before pressing his index finger against Jeongguk’s entrance.

The feeling of a finger slipping inside of him is definitely different than a tongue. Taehyung’s
fingers are long and a lot more firmer than how his tongue felt as he sinks into the knuckle. The
feeling is uncomfortable, but not painful. That is, until Taehyung begins to slide a second finger in
and Jeongguk whimpers in pain, muscles clamping up.

“It’s okay,” Taehyung reassures. “I got you, baby, so just relax.”

“It hurts,” he whines.

“I know. I know. But it’ll feel good, I promise.”

The feeling of Taehyung’s fingers wiggling around inside of him burns and it’s another few
moments of pained whimpering and his lover trying to soothe him with his tongue to finally adjust
and relax. As Taehyung begins to scissor him open, it isn’t until his fingers curl up into one
particular spot that pleasure shoots straight to his cock.

“ Oh ,” he gasps, burrowing his face in his arm and biting his tongue as the pleasure begins to
build up into something more tangible. The euphoria that Jeongguk feels as is a lot more intimate,
more intense than any blowjob he’s ever had. It’s heaven. Taehyung’s finger’s are truly fucking
heaven.

“Don’t do that,” Taehyung says. “I want to hear you.”

Jeongguk whines in disagreement. But the sound is quickly morphed into a needy moan when
Taehyung begins to massage his prostate, and then he’s keeling, gasping and moaning as his cock
practically leaks onto the white sheets.

“Another,” he gasps desperately, hand reaching down to grasp at his cock and spread the precum
down his length as he begins to pump himself with the motion of Taehyung’s tongue and fingers.
The pain is brief when Taehyung fits a third finger, overcome by the tightening heat in his
abdomen.

“Fuh-fuck,” Jeongguk chokes. “Do I taste good?”

Taehyung pulls his tongue out, kissing and kneading at Jeongguk’s ass with one hand while his
fingers continue to fuck him open with the other.

“You taste amazing, baby. And you look so pretty like this for me.”

Jeongguk twists his head to look over his shoulder. “How pretty?”

“Really pretty. The prettiest. All spread out for me to see everything...”

“Like a slut?” the words leave Jeongguk’s mouth before he can even process what he’s saying and
Taehyung peers down at him in shock, fingers stilling for a moment.

Jeongguk wiggles his ass with a petulant pout on his lips and the blonde concedes, curling his
fingers back up.

“You like that? Being called a slut?”

They’re venturing into new territory now and Taehyung seems unsure because a few months ago,
Jeongguk would have never been submissive enough to be degraded during sex like this and it’s
the power that Taehyung has whether it be in his words or his cock that turns Jeongguk on.

“Yes. Fuck yes,” he breathes. “Call me a slut, Tae. Call me a fucking slut- ngh.”

Jeongguk shudders at the way Taehyung’s eyes visibly darken as he runs his tongue across his
bottom lip, chin glistening with a mixture of spit of lube.

“You’re my slut.”

Jeongguk nods dumbly. “I’m your slut.”

“Want me to fuck you?”

Jeongguk pushes his ass down until he slips past Taehyung’s knuckle and he nearly collapses, legs
wobbly and barely holding himself up as his lover finger fucks him at a relentless pace.

“Yuh-yes,” he cries. “I want you to fuh-fuck me.”

Taehyung smirks. “How bad do you want it?”

“I want it b-bad.” Jeongguk is practically sobbing into the sheet at this point, body overcome with
overstimulation. “I want it s-so bad. Please give it to me. Please . I don’t wanna cum like this. I
want you inside of me, Tae.”

“Shit,” Taehyung mutters, pulling his fingers out. “Roll over, slut. Let me fuck you.”

Jeongguk collapses forward onto the bed, complying all too easily as he rolls over onto his back.
Taehyung spreads his legs and the younger fails to fight the blossoming blush that sets his face
alight.

“You’re so cute when you're all shy like this,” Taehyung practically coos, leaning over to kiss
Jeongguk. Taehyung no longer tastes of hot chocolate but of strawberry lube and something bitter.
“So cute.”

He moves to rip the condom packet open with his teeth, but Jeongguk reaches out and grabs him
by the wrist. “No condom.”

“Are you sure?” Taehyung inquires with a frown.

“Yeah, I’m clean. You’re the only guy that I’ve ever let...y’know.”

Taehyung seems to relax at this. “I regularly get checked every year and you’re the only guy I’ve
been with for awhile.”

“Okay,” Jeongguk says. “I’m ready.”

Taehyung aligns himself with Jeongguk’s entrance before he slowly starts to slide in. The younger
arches his back, flinching slightly at the stretch as he’s given time to adjust. While Taehyung
wasn’t quite as endowed as Jeongguk, it certainly felt like he was.

It takes another moment of Taehyung rocking his hips back and forth before the slide begins to
become more easy. He rocks himself into Jeongguk slowly at first before the younger starts to
whine for more, wrapping his legs around the blonde and digging his heels into his back.

“Fuh-fuck, Tae. I feel so full.”

“Yeah? You like that, slut?”

Jeongguk let’s out a high pitched moan, leaking cock bouncing against his stomach as Taehyung
pulls out to the tip before slamming back into him. He repeats the motion a few more times and
Jeongguk nearly stops breathing at the quick build of pleasure that sends him into a spiral of bliss
until he’s crying out Taehyung’s name over and over again.

Taehyung halts his movements, moving Jeongguk’s hips up further to get a better angle as he
presses their chests together and begins to fuck into him mercilessly, the room filled with sounds of
the breathless moans, skin slapping brutally against skin and the bed frame thumping against the
wall. Everything is so hot and Jeongguk knows that he’s being ridiculously loud and he’s not even
sure if either Yoongi and Jimin are home but the euphoria is overwhelming that he can’t bring
himself to care. Fucking Taehyung was great, but being fucked by Taehyung was another thing
entirely.

Jeongguk tries to hold on, but Taehyung’s cock is hitting his prostate at a pace that has his head
spinning and legs shaking and by the way the blonde’s breath is becoming erratic and hips
stuttering, Jeongguk is sure that he’s close as well.

“Guh-gonna cum,” he tries to say, but he’s sure that it’s just incoherent babbles.

“Ah, fuck,” Taehyung pulls him as close as he can and his sloppy pace slows to something more
sensual and deep and the pleasure Jeongguk feels is burning. “You feel so good, baby.”

“Y-yeah? How do I feel?” the question comes out as a whimper and Jeongguk can’t help the way
that his fingernails create crescents into Taehyung’s tanned back as he tries to hold on to his sanity
by a single thread.

“All hot and tight around my cock. Fuck, you’re such a good slut for me. So good.”

“I’m not bad? Ngh, harder.” Jeongguk’s not quite sure where he’s going with his questions. At this
point he’s delirious.

“Of course not. You’re a very good boy.”

“I can’t, Tae,” Jeongguk cries, sounding completely wrecked. “I can’t h-hold on anymore.”

Taehyung’s hips thrust deep and hard. “Do I really make you feel that good?”

“Yuh-yeah. Your cock makes me feel so good, Tae.”

“Come for me,” Taehyung grunts. “Come for me, slut.”

And that’s all Jeongguk needs to be told before the coil inside of him snaps and he cums. Hard. He
doesn’t cum in a deep groan or high pitched shout. He cums with a breathless whine into
Taehyung’s mouth as his muscles tense up and spurts of white make a mess of their stomachs. It
isn’t long until Taehyung follows along, his breath stuttering as he spills himself inside of
Jeongguk, pressing a bruising kiss against his lips as he does so.

His lover all but collapses atop him, and they lay there for a minute with Taehyung’s cock still
buried inside of him before Taehyung groans and pulls out, rolling off of Jeongguk and onto his
back.

Jeongguk can feel himself clenching as Taehyung’s cum leaks down his crack and onto the sheets.
“Tae, you made a mess,” he complains.

“I like messes,” the blonde bites back in response with a smirk before moving to lick the cum off of
Jeongguk’s chest. “I missed this,” he says.

“What? Eating my cum ya fuckin' nasty?” the younger jibes.

Taehyung smacks his chest lightly. “I’m talking about us being together and doing normal couple-y
shit, but yeah, that too.”

“I missed you too,” Jeongguk says softly with a yawn. “More than you’ll ever know.”

“I love you,” Taehyung mutters.

“And I love you.” And then his heavy lids flutter and Jeongguk falls asleep.

When Jeongguk awakes it’s dark out. Taehyung lays next to him, sleeping soundly with his lips
slightly parted and bare chest gently rising and falling. There’s no dried cum in between his thighs,
so Jeongguk assumes that the blonde beauty next to him had cleaned him up before pulling the
covers up over the both of them.

Jeongguk smiles. He hasn’t slept this deeply for a long time.

He takes another few minutes to admire Taehyung before deciding to take a shower. He climbs out
of bed naked before grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathroom, not at all taking into
consideration the fact that anyone else might be home.

He ends up running into Jimin, who looks him up and down, not at all perturbed by his naked state.
“We came home to hear you two nearly busting the bed straight through the wall. Didn’t seem like
Taetae was on the receiving end this time though...was it that good?”

Jeongguk feels his face turn a dark shade of scarlet as he coughs in embarrassment. “I- uh. Sorry.”

Jimin smiles widely. “Don’t be. I’m just glad that you’re happy, Jeonggukkie and if I have to deal
with you two breaking the sound barrier and scarring me forever just to make you happy, then I
will.”

Jeongguk makes a noise that’s in between a snort and and a laugh at this. “Thanks, Jimin. Really. I
don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

The two say their goodnights and Jeongguk steps into the bathroom, throwing his clothes on top of
the toilet lid before turning to the mirror. The smile he had instantly drops at the sight of his
reflection. It’s not as if there’s something outwardly wrong with him. His hair is a mix of bedhead
and sex and hickies litter his neck and chest. His skin is no longer as sunken and sallow and though
the bags under his eyes from sleepless nights are still there, they aren’t as prominent. All in all,
Jeongguk looks better than he has in months.

But something just isn’t right, and the longer he stares at himself, the more he feels like throwing
up. He tries to shake the feeling off, tearing his gaze away from his reflection and moving towards
the tub, turning the shower head on and stepping under the hot water. And yeah, maybe he should
have known better. Maybe he should have known that his recovery was beginning to go too smooth
and that his relationship with Taehyung and his friends were too good to be true.

He tries to ignore whatever he’s feeling. It’s an ugly twist in the pit of his stomach at first. So he
focuses on lathering the loofa in body wash and gliding the floral scented soap against his flushed
skin, but then the feeling evolves into a thought. A thought that tells Jeongguk that he’s worthless
in a voice much too similar to the one that whispers to him in his nightmares.

So he scrubs a little harder, but it’s not enough. Because Jeongguk is dirty and by sleeping with
Taehyung, he has tainted the man that he loves. The thought makes him choke back a sob as tears
well up and spill over and he’s sure that he’s on the verge of another panic attack.

He tries to visualize Taehyung holding him and telling him that things will be okay as a source of
comfort, but then his lover’s smiling face morphs into that of his father and he’s reminded of the
way that he had peeled off his skin and the panic hits him so suddenly that he finds himself unable
to breathe and nearly collapses.

Jeongguk’s struck with the sudden paralyzing thought that underneath all those layers of skin, there
might be a red monster inside of him too. He looks at his shaky hands but all he can see is claws
and he nearly screams, but his body isn’t quite listening to his brain, so he begins to scrub harder at
his arm, because maybe then he can wash the dirtiness inside of him away.

He wants to wash his sins away.

So he scrubs harder.

And harder.

And harder, till his flesh becomes sticky and raw and blood mixes in with the swirls of water at his
feet and down the drain. The stinging pain is calming and the anxiety begins to recede. Jeongguk
pulls the loofah back, noticing that it’s covered in soapy red and he lets go of it as if it had burned
him, flinching back with a whine as the water hits the raw skin of his arm.

He turns the shower off, nearly falling out of the tub as he roughly dries himself and throws his
clothes on. Jeongguk knows that he should leave and go to Taehyung right now because that’s
where the bad won’t reach him, but his eyes catch his reflection once again and this time there’s a
monster.

He stumbles until his back hits the wall and he slides down till his bottom hits the tiled floor.
Jeongguk stares at the raw patch of flesh on his arm and his mind blanks. He doesn’t know how
long he sits there, staring at the glossy pinkness of flesh. He stares until he’s sure that something is
there, crawling underneath his skin and he can see it. He’s sure of it.

Jimin and Taehyung were wrong. The bugs are there.

And Jeongguk needs to get them out.

He begins to scratch frantically at his skin, the rise and fall of his chest erratic as he begins to panic
once more because they’re not coming out and there’s something in Jeongguk’s head that tells him
that if he doesn’t get them out now, he’s going to die.

He crawls forward on his hands and knees, retching open the sink cabinet and then the drawers.
Throwing various items onto the floor before the metallic gleam of hair shears catch his attention.

Jeongguk grabs them, throwing himself back against the wall, his head hitting the surface with a
dull thud. Breathing heavily, he spreads the handles before gripping one part of the handle and
blade with one hand and pressing the other end of the sharp metal against his arm. His hands shake
so severely that he nearly drops them in the process.

Jeongguk can hear his heart thudding in his ears as he begins to press the blade against his skin. He
needs to get them out before it’s too late. The first cut is shallow. The blood beads but doesn’t spill
over and the sting fades into a dull ache within moments. The second cut is just as shallow, without
much blood. He scowls at this.

He needs to get them out.

So, Jeongguk begins to slice recklessly at his skin in quick, sharp flicks of his wrist. As the cuts
get deepers, the beads of blood begin to trickle down his arm. With one particular harsh slice,
Jeongguk finds that underneath all the layers of skin there isn’t another layer of red skin or horns,
but it’s white and that’s when Jeongguk knows that he’s cut deep. The blood doesn’t well
immediately. There’s nothing but white at first, but then the maroon begins to seep out slowly and
then all at once. The blood doesn’t gush, but it flows steadily down to his hand to drip onto the
white tiles from his finger tips.

The bugs still haven’t reared their ugly heads, so Jeongguk figures that he must cut deeper to get
them out. The shears have become bloody in his hands and just when he’s about to cut deeper into
the wound, the door opens and-

“Jeongguk, what the fuck!”

It’s Yoongi.

The moment Yoongi sees Jeongguk sitting in a mess of his own blood with shears poised over his
arm, ready to cut again, he lunges forward to snatch the object out of Jeongguk’s hand, but the boy
scampers back, smudging red all over the floor as he does so.

“Stay back!” he screams.

“Jeon Jeongguk, give me the fucking scissors!”

“I said stay away from me!”

Jeongguk lashes out when Yoongi reaches out, nearly cutting him.

The screaming causes Jimin and Taehyung come rushing in all too quickly with wide eyes.
Taehyung visibly pales when he sees the blood.

“Jeongguk, what are you doing?” his lover’s voice is shaky and laced with fear.

“I’m getting out the bugs,” he states in a high pitched voice.

“What bugs?” Taehyung asks gently, taking a slow step forward. “What bugs, baby?”

“The bugs inside of me, Tae.”

“I thought we agreed that they weren’t real, Jeongguk.”

Another step.

“They’re real!” the younger snaps. “They’re real! They’re real! They’re real!” He holds the shears
up with his injured arm as blood continuous to flow from his wounds and splatter onto the floor.
“And if you touch me, they’ll get you too! So don’t come any closer, Tae.”

“Okay,” Taehyung puts his hands up in surrender, halting his movements. “Then let’s talk about it,
yeah? Just give Yoongi hyung the scissors and then we can go watch a movie in the living room
with Jiminie and you can tell us all about it.”

“Nuh-no,” Jeongguk cries, tears staining his face as he pulls at his hair. “I’m g-gross. Dirty.”

“What’s wrong with him, hyung?” Jimin asks desperately, eyes searching Yoongi’s unreadable
expression.

“I think he’s having a psychotic break,” Yoongi mutters lowly.” Which isn’t uncommon, given
how precarious his mental state has been in the past few months.”

The elder takes a deep breath to collect himself. Now’s the time where he puts the four years of
studying the human brain and behaviour to help people like Jeongguk to the test. Yoongi’s sure
that if he can’t help his best friend, then he’ll never be able to help anyone else.

He takes a few steps towards Jeongguk who screams more threats. He stops just out of arm's reach
of the boy and kneels down, plastering a smile onto his face. “Hey, kiddo, wanna tell me what’s
wrong?”

Jeongguk blinks, his attention now drawn away from Taehyung and focused onto Yoongi. “The
bugs, hyung. I c-can feel them crawling around.”

Yoongi nods, as if what he’s saying is completely logical. “Yeah, and why are they doing that?”

Jeongguk grips the shears tighter until they dig into his fingers. “Because I’m dirty.”

“You’re not dirty, kid. I promise,” Yoongi says softly.

The younger shakes his head frantically. “I am. I’m duh-dirty and that’s why they won’t go away.”

“Why are you dirty, Guk?”

“Because.” He pauses. “Because of my daddy.”

“And what did your daddy do to you?”

Jeongguk’s bottom lip begins to tremble as he cries harder, wiping at his tears and smearing blood
onto his face. “Nuh uh.”

“It’s okay,” Taehyung coaxes. “You can tell us, Gukkie.”

“I can’t.”

“You can,” Yoongi urges. “You can tell us anything, kid.”

Jeongguk stares at him for a long moment, bleary eyes boring into his own and just when the elder
is sure that the boy is going to lunge forward and stab him, he whispers out, “h-he hurt me.”

Yoongi risks resting a hand on Jeongguk’s knee, and luckily, the boy doesn’t seem to react.
Progress.

“Can you tell hyung how he hurt you?”

Jeongguk hugs himself, drawing his knees into him as if to make himself smaller and Yoongi can
see Jeongguk starting to shut down.

“Hey, hey.” Yoongi squeezes the hand he has resting on his leg. “He can’t hurt you anymore, kid.
We’re here to protect you. Nothing bad will happen ever again.”

“Never?”

“Never,” Yoongi says with finality.

“What if you hate me?”

“I’m your best friend,” Yoongi intones. “I’ll never hate you, Guk. No matter what.”

There’s another long stretch of heavy silence as the three of them wait patiently for Jeongguk to
speak, which Yoongi hopes is soon because he’s still bleeding.

“H-he used to beat me,” he starts, voice low and wobbly. “He’d hu-hit me and my mum all of the
time.”

“Why’d he do it?”

“‘Cos I ruined his life.” Jeongguk sobs at this. “He’d always tuh-tell me that I was n-never
supposed to be born. Daddy started drinking ‘cos of me. He’d smuh-smack me ‘round and lock me
in t-the closet ‘cos he couldn’t stand the suh-sight of me.”

Behind Yoongi, Jimin takes a sharp intake of air and the elder knows that his lover is trying to
fight back the tears.

“You didn’t ruin anyone’s life,” Yoongi attempts to soothe the boy.

But Jeongguk only begins to cry harder. “Yes I did! If I wuh-wasn’t born my mum w-wouldn’t
have died!” He laughs but the sound is terrible and makes Yoongi’s chest hurt. “She kuh-killed
herself when I was fourteen and I cuh-couldn’t s-save her.”

“It’s not your fault.” Jimin is openly sobbing now. “It’s not your fault, Jeonggukie. You have such
a good heart. You never deserved anything like that. Never.”

“Yuh-yes it is!” Jeongguk snivels. “If I was a g-good boy then my daddy wuh-would have loved
me.”

“Your daddy didn’t love you ‘cos he was a piece of shit,” Taehyung says firmly, kneeling down
next to Yoongi. “It had nothing to do with anything you did wrong, Jeongguk. He didn’t love you
because he couldn’t even love himself.” Jeongguk yells at him to go away once again, but
Taehyung only grabs his wrist and moves closer. “But I love you. We all do, baby. Me, Yoongi,
Jimin, Namjoon, Hoseok; hell, even Seokjin barely knows you and yet he’s constantly asking if
you’re doing any better. He told me that he wants to cook for you. He said that he was certain that
good food would make you smile.” Taehyung smiles softly, wiping at the mess of tears and blood
on his lover’s face. “Who the fuck gives a shit about whether your deadbeat dad loves you or not.
Because you’ve got us and we’re your family, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk blinks, looking up at Jimin, then Yoongi, and then back to Taehyung. “Family?”

Jimin nods, sniffling. “We’ll always be your family, Jeonggukie, and families get through tough
shit together.”

“Can you give me the scissors now, Guk?” Yoongi asks softly. “We’ll protect you no matter what,
so just give me the scissors and then Jimin will get you all cleaned up, yeah?”

“No!” he screeches, ripping himself away from Taehyung. “I k-know that I’m wuh-worthless, Tae.
Stop lying to me! Fuck you! ”

“Baby-”

“Duh-don’t call me that!” Jeongguk begins to pull at his hair again. “You d-don’t know about all
the buh-bad things I did.”

“It’s okay, Guk. I already forgive you,” Taehyung promises as he begins to reach out again.

“I let guys fuck my mouth for money,” Jeongguk intones and Yoongi watches closely as the other
boy freezes. “After you left, I p-prostitued myself for muh-money just so that I c-could get high.”

The silence in the bathroom stretches out until Taehyung says, “I don’t give a shit.”

Jeongguk stares at him wide eyed in disbelief.

“You think that I would love you any less because of it?” Taehyung looks offended. “I don’t give a
flying fuck. It doesn’t make you dirty or unlovable, so fuck you for thinking that way. I love you,
Jeon Jeongguk. Always will and always have, so just give the scissors to Yoongi hyung, please .”
Jeongguk hesitates, looking from the shears to Yoongi and then back to the shears again with an
unreadable expression. And then slowly, his grip slackens and he hands it to the elder. The blood
has already begun to dry onto the metallic, but some of it still smears onto Yoongi’s palm.

Yoongi sighs in relief, letting out a breath that he didn’t even know he had been holding as his
shoulders sag.

“Let’s get you cleaned up in the kitchen,” Jimin says.

Taehyung helps Jeongguk to his feet and follows Jimin out.

The bathroom smells heavily of blood and Yoongi swallows dryly at the sight of the red messily
smeared across the white floor. It’s like the night of Jeongguk’s nightmare and the day he had a
panic attack in their dorm, and Yoongi is left to clean up the evidence like some crime scene. So he
begins to retrieve the various objects that had been thrown around before grabbing the mop and
cleaner from the closet and mopping up Jeongguk’s blood.

He cleans until the bathroom smells strongly of bleach and wipes any of the blood that had gotten
on the walls with a rag. Yoongi doesn’t know how long he spends cleaning, but he focuses on
cleaning every crevice because he really doesn’t want to think of anything. He really doesn’t want
to think about Jeongguk.

So alone in a bathroom that he’s scrubbing the evidence of blood free of, Yoongi begins to cry. He
cries because his heart is heavy in his chest and watching his best friend fall apart for nearly two
years hurts. Knowing that while Yoongi was throwing a fucking fit over Jeongguk going through a
bad breakup hurt. He tries to muffle his sobs by pressing a fist over his mouth as he sits on the lid
of the toilet and cries hot, angry tears. And here he is, again, blaming himself for everything that
had happened to Jeongguk. Because if Yoongi had just been strong enough to stay, Jeongguk
wouldn’t have spent his days letting guys fuck his mouth for money. If Yoongi hadn’t been such a
coward, he could have flushed the cocaine he knew was hidden in between the mattress down the
toilet and thrown all of the bottles of alcohol under Jeongguk’s bed away. But Yoongi had never
been strong enough for that.

He spends the next few minutes wiping at his tears and continuing to bleach and mop blood that
has already been long gone. When he finally decides that he’s finished and collects himself, he
wanders to the living room to find the three boys sitting in the living room. Taehyung sits at one
end of the couch with Jeongguk laying on his lap, presumably asleep and Jimin sitting in the arm
chair. The T.V. is on but neither of them are really even watching.
“Is he okay?” Yoongi asks, perching himself at the edge of the coffee table and eyeing the
younger’s bandaged arm.

Jimin nods. “The cuts are nasty but not life threatening. He also burned his upper arm though, so I
put a gauze patch on it.”

“You think he was trynna kill himself?” Taehyung asks quietly, eyes never once leaving
Jeongguk’s face as he continues to play with his hair.

“Nah,” Yoongi says. “I’m pretty sure that it was just a real bad episode of psychosis. Jeongguk
really thought that there were really bugs in ‘em. He had a lot bottled up inside, on top of
everything that’s been happening. It was gonna happen eventually.”

“So what do we do now?” Jimin asks.

“We have to send him to a hospital.”

Taehyung looks up at him in perplexity. “But Jimin just said that his injuries weren’t life
threatening.

Yoongi hesitates. “Not that kind of hospital, Taehyung.”

The blonde stiffens at his words. “You know how Jeongguk feels about that, hyung. We can’t do
that to Guk. We can’t send him away like this after promising to be there for him.”

Yoongi sighs, running a hand down his face. “You think I don’t know that? You think that I want
to hand my best friend off to strangers and keep him locked up in a hospital until he gets better?
Well, I fucking don’t, okay? But there’s only so much we can do. None of us are professionals.
We’re all still college students for christ sakes. We’re in over our heads, man. If we keep acting
like we can fix Jeongguk, if we keep acting like he’s gonna get better on his own without
professional help, he’s going to hurt himself again- or worse.”

“Hyung’s right,” Jimin says. “Jeongguk needs help, Tae.”

Taehyung’s silent for a moment. He stares down at Jeongguk with unshed tears before he finally
says. “I know, hyung. I know. It just sucks knowing that we’re all too powerless to help him.”

“Yeah. You and me both.” Yoongi lets out a deep sigh. “I’m gonna call the doctor and set things
up. Stay here, he’s gonna need you when he wakes.”

Jeongguk hates hospitals- specifically mental wards. He also hates his stupid new psychiatrist Dr.
Han. He hates him and his white coat and impeccably perfect, black hair and large glasses that
practically swallow his face. Jeongguk hated his friendly smile, calm voice, and the fact that he
never flinched whenever the boy yelled at him and told him to eat a dick.

He fucking hates his doctor.

“How are you feeling today, Jeongguk?” Dr. Han asks. It's yet another session with Jeongguk
sitting in one leather chair and Dr. Han in the other.

“It was going great until I saw you,” Jeongguk remarks snidely.

Dr. Han chuckles. “I see that you’re just as lively as ever.”

“Not even in the slightest.”

“Really?” Dr. Han asks in amusement. “Because the nurses have practically been fawning over
how lovely you’ve been.”

Jeongguk scowls. “Doubt it.”

“You’ve been doing wonderful, Jeongguk. Give yourself more credit. Soon, you’ll be back to your
normal self.”

Jeongguk snorts. “Normal people don't hurt people. “

Dr. Han stares at him, gaze unflinching. “But hurt people do.”

“Then I’m not getting better.”

Dr. Han sets his clipboard and pen aside and crosses his legs, leaning back and placing his clasped
hands onto his lap. “Jeongguk, when you came to us two months ago, you had a lot of anger in
you.”

“You seem to have that effect on me,” Jeongguk bites back.

“You gave the nurses complete hell the first week. Refusing to take your meds and cursing out
anyone who tried to speak to you. Do you remember our first session?”

“Yeah, you were an asshole and still are.”

“You threw quite the fit.” Dr. Han chuckles lightly. “Shattered my favorite vase against the wall
and made such a mess of my office that the nurses had to sedate you.”

“I was simply giving your office a makeover,” Jeongguk argues with the roll of his eyes.

“Before you wouldn’t even speak to me if it wasn’t to threaten my life, but now look at you.” Dr.
Han grins widely, motioning his hands towards Jeongguk. “You’re an amazing man, and I hope
you begin to see that soon enough because there are plenty of other people who think likewise.”

“Shuddup,” Jeongguk mumbles, scratching at his nose and averting his gaze.

Having got his point across, Dr. Han reaches back for his pen and clipboard. “Are you still having
nightmares these days?”

“Haven’t had any in two weeks.”

“Good, good. What about the anger?”

“The only time I’m pissed is when I have to deal with you. Twice. In a week.”

Dr. Han just nods and hums in approval. “Any cravings? You’ve been clean for two months and
one week now. Have there been any temptations to relapse?”

Jeongguk shakes his head, blush tinting his cheeks. “In the beginning, yeah. I thought that if I got
high then this place would be less of a hell hole. But I want to get better for Taehyung and for
myself.”

Dr. Han smiles. “It’s nice to see you doing things for yourself. Today’s visitation day. Is Taehyung
coming?”

Jeongguk can’t fight the upward twitch of his lips at this. “Yeah, he is. Yoongi hyung came last
week with Jimin. He’s graduating next month, y’know? I hope that I’m out of here by then.”

“If you keep making the same progress that you’re making now, you’ll be out in a few weeks,” Dr.
Han reassures. “Do you still think about your dad?”

Jeongguk frowns at the question, fidgeting uncomfortably in the chair, leather squeaking
underneath him. “Sometimes,” he admits. “But...not in the same way that I used to.”

“How so?”

“I don’t feel like I have to run anymore,” he says. “I used to feel like it was my fault that he treated
me like shit, but not so much anymore. Taehyung told me that people like my daddy were born
scum and I’m starting to think that he’s right. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be parents,
y’know? But I’m not my daddy and I don’t want to be him. I don’t ever want to hurt Taehyung or
any of my friends again.”

“That’s a life changing revelation and I hope you realize that, Jeongguk.” Dr. Han scribbles some
notes onto his clipboard before he looks back up and pushes up the frame of his glasses. “And your
mother? Do you still think that you killed her?”

The silence stretches out into a long minute. The only sound being that of pen against paper and
Jeongguk scowls in irritation because what the fuck could the idiot doctor possibly be writing? “I
don’t know,” he finally says. “Admitting that my daddy is a piece of shit is one thing, but…”

“You were really close to your mom, right?”

“Yeah, and I don’t think that I’m ready to let go of that, yet.”

“Acknowledgement is the first step to letting go,” Dr. Han comments. “Changing these negative
beliefs that you’ve valued for four years isn’t as simple as it looks, and you’re doing wonderfully,
Jeongguk.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I don’t get paid to lie, Mr. Jeon,” Dr. Han jokes. “It seems our time is up.”

“Goody,” Jeongguk remarks dryly.

“I’ll seen you next week then.”

Jeongguk is out of the chair and across the room in a heartbeat.

“Oh, and Jeongguk?”

Said boy pauses, hand already on the door knob as he turns back to Dr. Han who’s still poised ever
so gracefully in the chair.

“Tell Taehyung I said hi for me.”

The moment Taehyung walks into the visitation room, Jeongguk rushes at him and practically lifts
his lover off of his feet and spins him around. Taehyung squeals a put me down and the younger
replies by dropping him onto his feet and kissing him senseless. His hair is no longer blonde, but a
jet black that matches well with his complexion.
“I missed you,” he murmurs, pressing their foreheads together.

“I missed you too,” Taehyung says before he pulls back and sits down at one of the tables.
Jeongguk sits next to him, clasping their hands together and knees knocking against each other. “I
have something to tell you.”

Jeongguk raises an eyebrow. “Do tell.”

Taehyung looks hesitant before he says, “I talked to Ana.” Jeongguk is ready to say something
rather crude before Taehyung quickly cuts him off. “I know what you’re going to say, but just hear
me out?”

“Fine,” Jeongguk mutters with a petulant pout.

“She wanted to know if you were okay because you disappeared under the guise of a family
emergency and I...I told her that things weren’t going well at home.”

“Taehyunggg.”

“Shut up,” Taehyung pinches his side and Jeongguk let's out a giggle. “I told her that we had
figured things out and that you weren’t the awful person that she thinks you are.”

Jeongguk snorts. “She probably tried to convince you that you were being manipulated again,
right? She talked shit, didn’t she?”

Taehyung smiles kindly. “Actually, no. She told me that she knew that you were hurting for a long
time and that her therapist had taught her how to let go of all of her hatred and she wants to meet
with you for coffee and talk about things.”

“Fuck no, I-”

“Jeongguk,” his lover says his name firmly, squeezing his hands, reaching up to trace the scars on
his right with his fingers. The scabs had disappeared a few weeks ago to leave behind pink scars,
with the two deepest cuts puffing up into angry red. “I think this would be good for both of you.
This will give her the closure she needs and it’ll also be a chance for you to say sorry. I know that
you can’t apologize to every single person that you’ve hurt like this before, but I think that we both
know that Ana deserves this much, and I know that you feel guilty about it.”

“Fine,” Jeongguk says with a sigh. “It’s just kinda scary is all.”

“I know, babe.”

“How is everyone?” he asks.

“Wonderful. Well, Hoseok complains about your absence every chance he gets.” They both laugh
at this. “But everyone is doing great.”

“During the last visitation Jimin said that it was too quiet in the apartment without us having really
loud sex and scarring him forever,” Jeongguk attempts a wisecrack and Taehyung snickers at this.

“Don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of time to make up for it when you get back,” Taehyung purrs with
a wink.

They spend the rest of the visitation with Taehyung updating Jeongguk on everything that had been
happening while he was gone in between sharing kisses and fleeting touches like high school love
birds, and it’s like no matter how many times he sees Taehyung’s face, Jeongguk can never get
over the fact that the beautiful boy is his. There are a million and one ways to tell Taehyung that he
wants their bones to melt together and for the dawn sky to be filled with the color of his eyes, but
none of his thoughts ever come out right.

So, “I miss you,” he says instead.

Taehyung giggles. “You always say that.”

“Because it’s true,” he persists. “I always find new reasons to miss you every day.”

“You’re so cheesy, Guk.”

And fuck, does Jeongguk know that. He’s incredibly cheesy and his pick up lines are lame and
cliche. But love makes him slightly dumb, and he doesn’t mind it one bit. Not when Taehyung’s
boxy grin left the boy rather breathless, and the corners of his eyes luster happiness in soft
twinkles, reflecting the light that make his eyes copper against caramel. And although Jeongguk
knows that there is never such thing as permanent happiness, he wants to hold onto these small
moments forever.

Nothing in life was ever easy and although Jeongguk was ninety percent sure that the world was
out to get him, he’s sure that as long as Taehyung stays by his side, everything will be alright.
Because Jeongguk doesn’t have to run anymore. He’s no longer alone.

And he’s sure that everything will be okay.

Because even though Dr. Han is stupid with ridiculous glasses that Jeongguk hates, he also taught
the boy that people fall, rise, they make mistakes, they live, they learn. “We’re human, not
perfect.” And sometimes there is sadness in long journey’s, but Jeongguk is sure that he can hold
on.

Yeah, everything will be okay.

Because Taehyung is Jeongguk’s hiraeth, a home that he’s never had. A home that won’t ever let
him go.

And as Taehyung kisses him one last time as the visitation draws to a close, Jeongguk is once again
reminded of how perfect the miniscule moment is. He smiles against his lover’s lips and whispers a
soft I love you into his ear.

And when Taehyung beams back at Jeongguk, gazing at him as if the younger boy contains all of
the wonders of the earth inside of him, Jeongguk is sure of it.

Finally, he’s home.

Chapter End Notes

And so the story comes to an end, but our journey has only just begun. In my seven
years of writing, I've never completed anything past a one shot and I'm so amazed at
how far this story has come. What was supposed to a simple 20k word one shot has
evolved into this, and I've never enjoyed writing a story so much. But I do want to
make things clear, I have never done coke in my life but my best friend is an ex addict
who has been addicted to coke in the past and without her, I wouldn't have been able to
write about JK's addiction so realistically. So shoutout to her because she played a big
role in helping me write this story, as well as my editor.

Thank you all so much for reading and leaving all these wonderful comments. If you
want to come yell at me on my twitter you can. It's also where I'll be posting updates
regarding my fics, but until then, we shall meet again on our next journey.

-Haru

edit 2/22/17: i have decided to write an epilogue. I don't know when, but it'll happen
eventually.

edit 4/2/17: I've started working on it!

 Epilogue: Home
Chapter Summary

Here's the epilogue you've all been waiting for. Here's where it all drawls to a close.
Here's where we say goodbye to one story so that we may begin another. I also wanna
thank inkskinned for continuing to be a source of inspiration for me.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Jeon Jeongguk hates hospitals. He’s decided that he’d rather die than to be put back in a place full
of women in white skirts and even whiter walls, which is ironically what got him thrown in what
he’s dubbed as his own personal hell in the first place- almost dying, that is.

“I wasn’t trying to die,” he’s said that exact phrase twice a week for nearly three months now
because technically he really wasn’t, but Dr. Han who was always scribbling notes on that stupid
notepad of his would always look up from the frames of his ridiculously large glasses that always
slid down his annoyingly big nose and say, “well you weren’t trying to necessarily live either.”
And Jeongguk could do nothing but purse his lips and scowl in response when any argument was
always rebuted by, “not caring about living is another form of suicide, Jeongguk. It’s a suicide of
the soul.”

Jeongguk hated Dr. Han but not for conventional reasons such as him being a shitty doctor with a
monotonous voice and dead eyes, but because Dr. Han was good at what he did. He saw right
through Jeongguk’s biting sarcasm and condescending remarks as a means for defense and was
never phased from the many meltdowns Jeongguk had that he had witnessed throughout the
months the boy was institutionalized.

Jeongguk knew that he was often angry. He knew that his anger wasn’t always reasonable and that
he was irrationally livid over things more than not. But he never knew how much of it had seeped
through his skin to create molten lava out of his blood until he had been institutionalized and
placed under a strict suicide watch with a nurse remaining no more than ten feet away from him at
all times and at night they would make their rounds, peeking their heads to look through the
window of his door every ten minutes just to make sure he hadn’t slit his wrists again. His anger
really became borderline hysteric then.

It wasn’t like the time after he overdosed where he was just snappy and mean. No, this time it was
much worse and often things became physical. The nurses were nice and spoke to him softly but
Jeongguk found himself livid at the slightest of things. Sometimes, he didn’t want to swallow those
awful pills that Dr. Han had prescribed him to take every morning so he’d throw a tantrum like a
four year old and call the staff all kinds of names.

Choi Hyeri was Jeongguk’s assigned nurse. She was a slightly pudgy twenty something year old
woman with cherub cheeks, small eyes and a kind smile. Most of the nurses never wanted to deal
with Jeongguk and she seemed to be the only one not phased by the many times he threw a chair or
tipped over a table because he really didn’t want to have his blood drawn every fucking day. She
was the only one who didn’t panic and call those awful male nurses in with grey scrubs in to sedate
him when Jeongguk would have a mental breakdown and threaten to hang himself with his
nonexistent shoelaces. If there was one thing Hyeri was good at, it was talking the boy down from
his episodes of hysterical rage and crazed paranoia.

Dr. Han had told him that it was all just pent up emotions that Jeongguk had channeled into all the
wrong things for too long. Drugs, using people and manipulating their emotions, Dr. Han said that
they were all Jeongguk’s way of coping with trauma and with his own feelings because being in
control was the only way he could live with himself and function under the faux of being a normal
twenty-year-old college kid. But the loss of control in a strange place that makes Jeongguk feel as
if he’s choking terrified him.

Jeongguk hates a lot of things, but he despises needing someone to tell him what the fuck he’s even
feeling the most. It makes him feel utterly weak and pathetic and so for the first month, Jeongguk
had denied all visitation, no matter how much it broke his heart to hear Taehyung’s voice crack
over the phone and he had all but refused to talk to Jimin and Yoongi. There was no way that he
could let anyone see him in the unstable state that he was in.

His thoughts, they had started to become so loud that he was afraid someone could hear them- he
was afraid that Taehyung would take one look at him and Jeongguk would be back to scratching at
his skin, trying to get the red monster inside of him out that Dr. Han told him didn’t exist. So he’d
start walking at a faster pace down white, narrow hallways that were all just mirror images of each
other and then all of a sudden he’d be running.

“You can’t run from your own mind, Jeongguk,” Dr. Han would say.

But Jeongguk didn’t know how to cope without breaking his bones and bruising his knees. He
didn’t know how to cope without the bitter taste of cocaine numbing his throat and alcohol turning
his blood into toxic waste. Sometimes, everything was just too much for him so Jeongguk would
find himself on his hand and knees, peeking under beds and chairs in a desperate attempt to find
anything to relive his cravings. Yoongi had warned him that if he was found with any kind of drugs
in his system his social worker would be forced to bring the case up to the court and Jeongguk
could face possible jail time. But there were times that Jeongguk became so desperate for an escape
that he could really care less. Reality was a scary thing, and so for the first month, Jeongguk ran
away from himself.
He ran until he no longer could and his knees buckled to scrape against metaphorical cement and
once again, he was forced to face the looming shadow of his father sneering down at him with
horns growing out of his forehead and grotesque claws reaching down for him. And although it had
terrified him to face the very monster that had haunted him for so many years and Jeongguk had
gone through a few episodes of psychosis induced breakdowns, Dr. Han had helped the boy come
to understand that the monster was nothing more than a manifestation of all of his trauma and
fears. Jeongguk had come to find that the more he vented about his insecurities, no matter how
snarky he was, the less that the red monster appeared in his dreams to send him spiraling into
another night terror that always seemed to paralyze him.

At least he no longer pissed himself anymore.

Jeongguk learned that painting masterpieces of galaxies against the skin of a ten-year-old boy was
not love. In some twisted way, Jeongguk had always thought that his father’s closed fists against
his own cherub cheeks had been his way of showing affection. It was painful, but to Jeongguk, it
was still love. It was agonizing, but at least he felt something. Because after his mother died,
Jeongguk’s father would slam his head against the wall and wrap his large, calloused hands around
his slender throat and Jeongguk would still smile through swollen eyes and say “I love you too,
daddy.”

But according to Dr. Han, fear wasn’t a form of love and neither was depression. Jeongguk had
never been taught how to love, but there were times that his depression would sit next to him with
a cigarette in hand and say “you see, I’m the only one here for you” and Jeongguk believed it.

“Sometimes I still wonder if it actually happened or I imagined it. Sometimes I realize in a flash
what felt normal was actually abusive. I’m broken, doc.”

“No, Jeongguk. You’re human. Don’t apologize for the way you tried to protect your heart.”

It took two months for Jeongguk to believe Dr. Han after that.

After seven weeks in the hospital things begin to become easier to talk about. Jeongguk had to
unfold his paper cranes carefully. They were crumpled and frayed at the edges and if he tried to
unfold too much at once they’d rip and once again, he’d retreat back into himself but the map
began to show better. He was always fidgety in Dr. Han’s office, shifting to one side so that the
leather creaked underneath him in a way that made his anxiety spike. He would point to the scar on
his cheek and stare at the bridge of Dr. Han’s nose and say “here’s the first time my dad threw a
broken beer bottle at me,” Dr. Han never looked at him with pity. He merely nodded, pushing up
his glasses and asked Jeongguk if that had felt like love then.
Jeongguk avoided the question and tells him about the first time he had hurt his girlfriend at
seventeen and how euphoric that rush of power made him feel; how in control he was. And then he
would point to his scarred wrists and says “this is what not being in control feels like.” It's like
they're around the corner from each other, mirror images or hands holding or two sides of a blade.
The look on people's faces is always the same when they find out the truth, his words are like nails
in the pit of their stomachs. Before, Jeongguk lived a life of apathy and emptiness but now that he’s
stuck in a place where he’s forced to relive every single soul he’s killed, it’s like being
suckerpunched by his father all over again.

Jeongguk isn’t a good person but Dr. Han tells him that no one in the world is really ever good;
that they’re all just human but then Jeongguk remembers the way that Taehyung runs his long
fingers through the younger’s dark hair and smiles so blindingly that it hurts and he’s sure that Kim
Taehyung is something more than human.

It takes awhile, but eventually Jeongguk tells Hyeri in a low, shaky voice that he’s ready to see his
boyfriend and friends again. He looks away when he sees the relief in her eyes and instead, focused
on wiping the sweat from his palms when she made a phonecall to Taehyung and counts sheeps in
his head instead to distract himself from the anxiety.

And when Jeongguk finally sees Taehyung for the first time in seven weeks, the older boy tells
him that he’s still as beautiful as ever and Jeongguk merely scowls because he knows that his hair
is greasy and that there are dark circles under his eyes but he still doesn’t look nearly as bad as he
first had when he’d been hospitalized. Jeongguk is sure that he’s hideous, but when Taehyung
holds him close and whispers that he could trace asteroid belts across the light freckles on his nose,
that each puffed scar on his wrist reminded him of comet trails, Jeongguk allows himself to feel
beautiful for just a moment.

Things start to become easier after that. It’s a slow process and sometimes Jeongguk still finds
himself clamming and becoming irrationally pissed when Dr. Han digs too deep and hits a nerve,
but slowly he begins to figure himself out. Love and desperation; hurt and pain, they begin to
untangle themselves from the knot of rage that Jeongguk has carried with him for too long and for
the first time in years, Jeongguk starts to understand his own emotions.

Jeongguk hates hospitals and he hates Dr. Han, but at some point the blank walls become familiar
and he no longer feels hot irritation prickling across his skin under his doctor’s heavy gaze.

It’s three months in and two weeks before Yoongi’s graduation that Dr. Han deems him stable
enough to be discharged from the hospital. And yeah, Jeongguk should be beyond ecstatic. He
should be jumping for joy at the prospect of being able to finally leave what he had dramatically
deemed as hell. But instead, Jeongguk finds himself trying to swallow the uncertainty and
anxiousness lodged in his throat as he watches Yoongi from the plastic waiting chairs signing the
papers for his release at the desk with one of the nurses that Jeongguk had become familiar with
pointing her manicured finger at the printed text and speaking lowly to the elder.

Neither Jimin nor Taehyung had come with Yoongi to pick Jeongguk up. The elder had told him
that they were both busy making their shared apartment comfortable enough for Jeongguk to stay
in since he was no longer part of Alpha Phi, but Jeongguk knew that comfortable really meant
hiding all of the sharp objects in the house lest Jeongguk have another episode.

Being kicked out of the fraternity had been quite upsetting at first. Namjoon had visited him once
during the second month and had informed the younger that he had conferenced with Yoongi and
Hoseok and that they had decided that a fraternity was not a healthy environment for Jeongguk to
be in for the time. They thought that being a frat executive was another mental breakdown waiting
to happen. It was obvious that Jeongguk’s mental fragile state couldn’t handle parties and alcohol
and fraternities were synonymous drugs- an easy way for Jeongguk to relapse back into his old self
destructive habits.

Namjoon said that he wouldn’t ever be able to forgive himself if he allowed Jeongguk to relapse
and although the younger had initially been angry and accused Namjoon of wanting to get rid of
him, he understood that his friends were just looking out for him because Jeongguk was completely
incapable of looking after himself.

As he sits and waits for Yoongi on that uncomfortable plastic chair, Jeongguk realizes for the first
time that he’s not sure if he’s ready to leave- because that means facing everyone else and up until
recently, the only thing he’s ever been good at is running away. He’s not sure if he’ll ever be
ready.

And it’s like he’s waiting to be thrown into the hospital all over again because his heart is
pounding in his ears and he almost wants to turn back and run inside to the safety of the small room
that had become his sanctuary. Dr. Han had assured Jeongguk with a confident smile that he was
ready to assimilate himself back into his own daily routines in the outside world but there’s a
mantra repeating in his head I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I’m not ready.

“-guk. Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk blinks out of his daze and looks up to notice Yoongi standing over him with his eyebrows
furrowed in concern.

“Are you ready to go?” the elder asks and Jeongguk is quick to unclench his fists that he hadn’t
even noticed had been curled up to create crescents in his palms in the first place.

“Y-yeah,” he stutters a bit breathlessly, swaying slightly on his feet when he stands up too quickly.

Yoongi is quick to reach out and steady him. “Woah, there. You alright?”

Jeongguk flashes him a small, nervous smile. “Yeah, it’s just...I’ve been in here for so long you
know? The idea of going back to living my life is kinda- I dunno.”

“Scary?” Yoongi offers softly, squeezing the younger’s forearm in a gesture of comfort and
understanding. Jeongguk doesn’t say anything and he knows that he doesn’t have to because if
there’s one person to understand his fears, as silly as they may be, it was the raven haired man in
front of him.

“It’s okay, Guk. We’re gonna be here for you every step of the way.” Yoongi speaks his words
like a promise as he bends over to pick up Jeongguk’s bag and the boy merely nods dumbly before
having to scurry after Yoongi, who takes long strides as if he couldn’t wait to be out and away
from the colorless place that Jeongguk had secretly grown fond of.

It isn’t until Jeongguk is in the passenger seat of Yoongi’s beaten up Mustang that he relaxes, the
familiar smell of that minty air freshener that Jeongguk hates causing all the tension to leave his
body as he sinks into the cracked leather seat.

“You good?” Yoongi inquires once he’s tossed Jeongguk’s bag in the back and is seated in the
driver’s seat and twisting the key’s in the engine, bringing car to life with the obnoxious rumble of
the engine that vibrates the whole interior.

Jeongguk nods, sinking further into the leather that desperately needs to be replaced. “Yeah, I just
missed the smell is all.”

Yoongi snorts in response. “You fucking hate it. Always complainin’ about the smell every time I
give your sorry ass a lift.”

“Yeah.” Jeongguk’s cheeks tint a faint red hue in response as he smiles shyly. “It makes me happy,
hyung.”
For a moment, Yoongi doesn’t say anything but blinks a little too rapidly, clearly not expecting
honesty or such a blatant display of vulnerability coming from Jeongguk, who’s usually always
rolling his eyes and making shitty jibes. Jeongguk’s sure that he really must look like a stupid and
naive little kid in his best friend’s eyes right now and doesn’t comment at the glassy wetness in
Yoongi’s eyes that he quickly blinks away before he clears his throat and grins, reaching over to
fondly ruffle Jeongguk’s hair.

“I’ll make sure to get an extra minty flavor next time then,” he teases.

“ Hyung ,” Jeongguk pouts, nose scrunching up in distaste in a faux attempt to act annoyed.

To an outsider it would be such a strange thing for someone to get emotional over, especially
someone like Min Yoongi. But to Jeongguk, it serves as yet another reminder of how much of a
closed off and self destructive asshole he had been and it's another thing to add to his list of things
he feels guilty about.

Yoongi clears his throat again, exhaling deeply as if to expel all of that feely deep shit because it
would totally ruin his concept to get over emotional. “You're such a little shit,” is all he says before
he's backing out of the parking lot and turning onto the main road.

Jeongguk doesn't make his usually snarky jibe in response but instead looks back, his eyes never
once leaving the bricked building even long after it disappears into the horizon.

The car ride is mostly silent with nothing but the lull of the radio to fill the silence. Yoongi doesn’t
say much (though he’s never been one for trivial conversation) and taps one of his fingertips
against the steering wheel instead while humming along to Drake. Jeongguk has his forehead
pressed against the window and merely watches the world zooming past them as his friend takes
the highway back to Seoul because the rehab center had been a little ways out, away from the
distraction of city life.

And even though Jeongguk acknowledges that technically he’s the one moving and not the
buildings around him, in a way it becomes a metaphor for his life because Jeongguk has lived an
exhausting lie for too long where he pretends to move forward but he’s still stuck in the exact same
place he’d been in six years ago when they’d lowered his mother’s casket into the ground and his
father had been taken away in the blinding red and blue lights of a police car.
The sad part of it all was that Jeongguk’s father wasn’t even thrown into prison for child abuse, but
rather gambling, money laundering and some other drug related crimes. It was tragic really, how
the police officers who took Jeongguk away at sixteen had glanced at his black eye and
malnourished frame and had chalked up the obvious abuse he had suffered his entire life to just
boy’s being rough and threw him into a foster home.

It was the first time that Jeongguk realized how little that the world gave a shit about him and not
too long after he’d found himself pressed against the railing, looking down at the black waters
underneath the Han Bridge at two in the morning. He had wondered if the ocean would caress him
a little more gently- maybe he’d find his mother’s soul at the bottom.

He hadn’t jumped though. Jeongguk had simply let out an ugly, twisted laugh before stuffing his
hands in his pockets and dragging his feet back to the foster home where he was housed with
eleven other kids and the ahjumma was a drunk that threw pots and pans whenever they’d piss her
off. It was like trading one abuse for another, but at least she wasn’t as bad as his father and she
liked Jeongguk. She liked him so much that she’d call him into her room late at night when all of
the other kids were asleep and as long as he was a good boy who did as he was told, she wouldn’t
slap him in the face.

The other foster boy’s wolf whistled and called him lucky whenever Jeongguk was invited into her
room and he’d just smile and throw his thumbs up and pretend like he didn’t feel sick to his
stomach every time the ahjumma touched him. He liked to pretend that he didn’t cry and scrub
himself raw underneath the nearly broken shower head that held no warmth; like he didn’t collapse
and curl himself into a ball onto the tiled floor that had mold growing in between the cracks.

Jeongguk never knew what to call it. A bad experience, maybe? Because everyone loses their
virginity in shitty ways, but Dr. Han told him that even boys could be raped and that it wasn’t
Jeongguk’s fault that he had been taken advantage of. Jeongguk had spent a good five minutes
keeled over the trash bin in Dr. Han’s immaculately clean office dry heaving and trying to calm his
pounding heart.

Whether it was growing up in a home where the walls never stopped trembling and his hands never
stopped shaking, or by his father’s cruel words and even crueler grip or the ahjumma’s blunt and
bitten nails running along the insides of his thighs, Jeongguk was dirty.

And maybe cocaine was his twisted attempt at purging himself of the invisible black ink stained
against his skin, and maybe Taehyung can’t chase it all away, and maybe Jeongguk will never get
back the missing pieces that were stolen from him, and maybe there will always be something
wrong with him and maybe maybe maybe - but for the first time in Jeongguk’s life he wants to try.
He wants to hold happiness in his fists and not just by the edge of a fingernail. He wants there to be
constants in his life that he doesn’t walk away from whenever he starts to become attached. He
wants to believe that he is worth something. Jeongguk wants to be worth something more than just
a passing thought and Taehyung makes him feel like a precious moment stuck in time.

He feels so much more when he’s around Taehyung, and yet, it’s one in the afternoon and they’ve
finally made it back to the heart of Seoul to the apartment and there is no happiness blooming in
his chest. It takes extra effort just to release the seatbelt and step out of the car. Jeongguk can feel
the tension returning and he drags his feet up the stairs with his shoulders hunched over as if to
protect himself from the winter wind that isn’t there because the cold has given way to the early
warmth of summer by now.

So Jeongguk just stands at the door, golden numbers printed neatly as 483 right above the peephole
and he swallows audibly. Jimin and Taehyung’s apartment is the closest thing that Jeongguk has
ever felt was home but right now he feels so out of place standing outside of their door. Part of him
wonders if his blood still stains the bathroom floor even though he knows that’s a ridiculous
thought but it’s almost on instinct for his mind to tell him not to feel comfortable or safe.

It’s like, Jeongguk knows that he’ll be welcomed with gentle smiles and warm hugs. He knows
better, but the thought of finally accepting this place as something to call home makes him break
out in cold sweat.

“It’s okay to be vulnerable,” Dr. Han says, but the last time Jeongguk had been vulnerable he had
been sexually abused by a woman twice his age. And it’s not that he believes Taehyung to be like
that because the older boy holds Jeongguk as if he is glass, but there’s always a tiny voice niggling
in the back of his head that says you’re not good enough. You’re never good enough and it makes
him feel sick.

The pressure of a hand brought up against the small of his back in a gesture of comfort causes
Jeongguk to jump slightly and he can’t help but let out a shaky “ hyung” when he notices Yoongi
peering at him with that same look of concern and understanding again.

“It’s okay,” the elder mutters and Jeongguk averts his gaze in shame.

It was as if Jeongguk was some insecure teenage girl that needed someone to hold his hand every
step of the way and assure him that he was just being paranoid and that he wasn’t going to have
another mental breakdown. It was pitiful how much reassurance Jeongguk needed just to make
sure that he was strong enough for trivial things.
“I’ve got you, Guk.” Yoongi rubs his back and shoots him a small smile before stepping forward to
knock on the door.

It takes all but a second for the door to swing open to reveal Jimin, his eyes wide and alert and
chest heaving as if he’d been pacing across the living room waiting for them to arrive. He instantly
breaks out into a grin at the sight of Jeongguk as he gives a joyous cry of relief.

“Jeonggukkie!”

Said boy doesn’t even have the opportunity to mumble out a hey hyung before Jimin is grabbing
him with small hands and pulling him inside, completely ignoring his own boyfriend’s presence.

“I’m so glad you're finally home,” Jimin says with such sincerity, tears prickling and wetting his
lashes and although Jeongguk had considered the decently sized apartment his home, hearing it
from Jimin floods his system with such warmth that he finds himself relaxing once again.

“You just can’t live without me, can you, hyung?” Jeongguk teases, earning a playful slap to the
chest.

“Oh shut up, you ass.”

But Jeongguk knows that it’s more of the other way around. He knows that he can’t live without
Taehyung and his friends. He knows that they’ve put up with enough of his bullshit to last a
lifetime and although Dr. Han had reminded Jeongguk nearly every session to not think of himself
as a burden, that he wasn’t some leech dragging his friends down to the pits of hell, there’s still a
tightness in his chest that won’t loosen its grip every time Jeongguk thinks about the way Jimin
had bandaged him so carefully with glazed eyes and wet lashes and it hurts .

“Hey, stop trying to steal my boyfriend,” a familiar voice jokes and Jeongguk’s head immediately
whips around to find Taehyung stepping out of the bathroom with a towel slung around his neck,
hair still damp.

He’d just seen Taehyung last week but he’s still as beautiful as ever. It’s like no matter how many
times Jeongguk familiarizes himself with the planes of Taehyung’s face, the older boy still
manages to take his breath away every time because Taehyung is the silence between stars and his
eyes are Saturn’s rings.
It’s incredibly cheesy how Jeongguk manages to find poetry in every single aspect of him. Yeah,
maybe Jeongguk is fucking whipped.

“Hey,” he mumbles awkwardly; definitely not how you greet someone you’ve been in love with for
over half a year, but it’s the best he can manage right now.

“Hey,” Taehyung offers back in a bemused tone, lips stretching to form that smile that has
Jeongguk swallowing nervously. “Are you feeling okay?”

Jeongguk is stuck. He both wants to open up, have others slip on the spill and pour himself into
coffee cups but he hates the look on their faces when he whispers about what’s inside of him. He
hates that he can’t let go unless he loses control. He’s trying. He’s trying. He’s trying. He wants to
tell Jimin that this new concept of honesty makes his breath stutter and that his lungs feel like
seizing about five times a day but he’s brought it down to thrice within the last month and he
doesn’t know if he’s allowed to be proud of himself for that. But then the old him is punching him
in the chest and begging him to tell everyone that he’s just okay and happy and that those three
months locked up cured him of whatever disease he’s been plagued with for twenty years.

But then something else whispers that honesty can go a long way and he wants to try harder.

“I dunno,” he starts, carefully; so carefully so that he doesn’t trip over knotted shoelaces and go
crashing down. His tongue holds the words delicately in his mouth as if his heart is made out of
thin glass, as if he's scared that he’ll cut the insides of his cheeks. Jeongguk is scared of hurt. He’s
scared of truth- which is silly because he should fear the darkness of his depression even more.

“I… feel strange.” The words are stilted. Awkward. “I feel like I shouldn’t be here.”

“Don’t,” Taehyung starts with a frown. “Don’t say things like that. You’ll always have a place
here.”

Jeongguk blushes under the intensity of his gaze. “Yeah- it’s just- I just…”

His own emotional constipation is upsetting but Jeongguk doesn’t have to say anything else before
Taehyung is moving across the room to pull Jeongguk toward him and Jeongguk swallows because
Taehyung smells like fresh citrus shampoo and body wash. He holds the younger boy so close that
Jeongguk swears that he’ll dissolve into the other’s body any moment. He swears that their hearts
will mold into one. Being held by Taehyung like this is all the reassurance Jeongguk needs to feel
like he’s meant to be here; to know that in this moment, it’s okay. He’s where he belongs.

“I’m sorry,” Jeongguk mumbles into his neck and when his lover pulls away the apartment is
suddenly too cold.

“Don’t apologize for your feelings,” Taehyung reprimands gently.

Jeongguk opens his mouth respond but Taehyung is quick to cut him off with a swift peck on the
lips. “And don’t you dare say that your feelings are stupid ‘cos they’re not. I will actually castrate
you if you do.”

Jeongguk actually snorts at this. “Ooo, kinky.”

“You’re literally the worst.” Taehyung feigns disgust.

“But you love me?” It’s supposed to be a haughty statement but comes out more as a question
instead and Jeongguk wants to punch himself for being so god damn insecure.

Taehyung only smiles softly at this. “Yeah, I do. I really do.”

Jimin clears his throat. “As much as I would just love to stand here and watch you guys flirt like
two high schoolers, but I have to get to work and Yoongi…”

Jimin throws Yoongi a look that makes his intentions so obvious that Jeongguk’s eyes nearly roll
into the back of his head.

“I-uh, have to get back to the frat house. Y’know. Frat biz and what not.” He shrugs his shoulders
as casually as possible in an attempt to save the couple’s shitty excuse and Jeongguk decides that
just this once he’s feeling soft enough to play along.

“Yeah. Okay,” is the only response Jeongguk can formulate.

“Well, go do whatever shit you’re supposed to be doing.” There’s sarcasm practically dripping
from Taehyung’s voice and he’s already pushing the two towards the door. “We’ll just be here
being complete angels.”

“You guys better not fuck on the couch again or I’ll be the one doing the castrating,” Jimin
threatens.

“How dare you, accuse me, a child of God, of committing such heinous atrocities!” Taehyung cries
dramatically, hand pressed over his chest.

Jimin just continues to eye him rather suspiciously, opening his mouth to scold Taehyung for being
childish but Yoongi is already placing a hand against the curve of his back and attempting to guide
him out the door.

“We don’t want to be late,” he offers the explanation lamely and Jimin sends his boyfriend a sharp
look but just pouts and allows himself to be manhandled.

“We’ll be back later on tonight. Just be safe and make sure you give Jeongguk his medication. And
also-”

Yoongi slams the front door firmly behind him before Jimin has time to ramble on any further and
Jeongguk almost smiles at his friends’ antics- almost.

There’s a moment where the only sound in the apartment is the faint hum of the air conditioner and
then Taehyung is turning back towards Jeongguk with a grin.

“Jeez, I thought they would never leave.”

“They’re so obvious,” Jeongguk comments and Taehyung rolls his eyes.

“Can you believe the hypocrisy? I mean, do you know how many times I’ve laid in bed, staring at
the ceiling and praying to the great man in the sky to come and fucking save me because of how
loud they fuck when they think I’m asleep?”

Jeongguk shrugs, moving towards the couch so that he can sink down into the comfortable
cushions. “We’ve never been much better.”
“Hey, I’ve been abstinent for three months. Three months. I should get an award,” Taehyung
argues with mischief dancing in his eyes.

And yeah, their friends had granted them ample opportunity to fuck as loud as they wanted on
every surface possible while they were gone. Three months ago, Jeongguk would have jumped at
the prospect and fucked Taehyung until he was seeing stars but right now, the thought of intimacy
is like a rock in his stomach and Jeongguk just feels drained.

Jeongguk let's his head fall to the armrest of a couch and sighs deeply, attempting to keep his
expression straight and devoid of emotion. “Maybe some other time,” he mutters, refusing to look
at Taehyung because he’s afraid that if he does, his lover will know; will know about the hands
that have laid themselves on soft, taintable skin. Hands that are not Taehyung’s.

Jeongguk’s shift in mood must but blatantly obvious (not that he’s even trying to hide it) because
then the couch is shifting with the weight of Taehyung sitting next to him and the older boy is
placing a hand on Jeongguk’s arm.

“Hey,” he says gently. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I was just messing
around. Sex isn’t important. I can live.”

Jeongguk glances at him and gives him a sharp look.

“Okay, well yeah our sex is the bomb dot com and I wouldn’t complain if you jumped me right
now but I care more about making you comfortable and happy than getting my dick wet.”

The younger boy exhales, shifting so that he’s curled up in a half ball, almost as if he’s shying
away from Taehyung. “Yeah, but it’s embarrassing and fucking stupid. It’s just sex. We’ve done it
plenty of times and it’s not like you’re gross and I hate sleeping with your or something. It’s just-”
Jeongguk chokes on his own words. “I don’t fucking know. I’m tired and confused when I
shouldn’t be and it’s ridiculous how overwhelmed I feel just by talking about this. Why am I being
so difficult? I hate myself.”

Jeongguk wishes that he was made of diamonds. He wishes that nothing could get through him.

“Hey, hey.” Taehyung squeezes himself into the space behind Jeongguk and the younger wiggles
forward to allow him some room as Taehyung snakes an arm around his waist and rests his chin on
Jeongguk’s shoulder. “I would literally shave my head, cut off my balls and become a Buddhist
monk at some temple high in the mountains if you asked me to. It’s really not a big deal, okay? If
all you want to do is Netflix ‘n Chill but seriously just like chill, then I’m alright with that. So don’t
talk about yourself like that, baby. You’ve been through a lot. It’s completely normal to be
confused and frustrated. It’s okay to not be a hundred percent all of the time.”

“I'm never a hundred percent,” he argues.

Jeongguk feels unshed tears pricking at his eyes and Taehyung kisses his forehead.

“You could be negative fifty and I would still think that you're a fucking blessing to this earth,”
Taehyung speaks like it's supposed to be a light joke but Jeongguk can pick up the serious
undertones.

“Okay,” he whispers. “Can we watch Iron Man then?”

He can practically feel his lover grinning behind him. “Iron Man 2?”

“No, that one was shit,” Jeongguk says with a grunt of dissatisfaction. “Iron Man 3.”

“You got it, baby.”

And then Taehyung is climbing over Jeongguk to half stumble, half fall off of the couch to fetch
Iron Man 3 from the movie shelf and put it in the Playstation.

They don’t stop at one movie and there’s no temporary moment of consciousness before drifting
back into deep, fitful naps like it had been during the worst days of his withdrawals. But they’ve
done nothing but watch Iron Man plus all three of the Avengers with Taehyung playing with
Jeongguk’s hair and kissing his shoulder and telling him how beautiful he is the entire time.

It’s the closest thing to being content that Jeongguk has felt in a while, and he’s pretty sure that he
has the best fucking boyfriend on the planet. He holds onto every hushed word of affection and
brush of Taehyung’s fingertips trying to soak it all in like a sponge, but it’s like no matter how
much Jeongguk listens or loves it won’t be enough, he can’t squeeze it all in. The logical part of
him knows that Taehyung’s not going anywhere but his anxiety lives on a countdown of a timer
that has no end goal in mind.
But he’s trying to hold onto these small moments. He’s trying to hold on and not think about the
possibility of there being a day, some weeks, months or years away where Taehyung kisses him
with his eyes open.

“I love you,” Jeongguk mutters into the back of Taehyung’s hand with their fingers tightly
interlocked, placing a ghost of a kiss against olive skin.

He can feel Taehyung smiling against his neck. “I love you too.”

The week passes rather uneventfully with Yoongi and Jimin rarely at the apartment, presumably to
give the two lovers time alone together. The gesture is nice, but they don’t do much besides laze
around and watch movies and play video games all day.

Jeongguk still hasn’t left the apartment and when Taehyung leaves for class he forces himself to
take long naps because he doesn't want to think about his future, or that he’d have to take a trip
down to the Dean’s office in a few days to discuss the fact that he’d most likely be kicked out of
school with how badly his grades have plummeted within the last five months.

He really doesn't want to think about that.

It’s after the third movie of the day that Jeongguk is just starting to doze off when the sound of the
front door closing startles him awake. Turning to Taehyung, he finds his boyfriend in a similar state
of droopy lids and drowsiness.

“You’re drooling, babe,” Jeongguk chides as he reaches over to wipe the saliva from the corner of
Taehyung’s mouth.

“It’s because you’re just that damn hot,” Taehyung coos with a cheeky grin and the younger nearly
hits him.

“We’re back and we’ve brought Jeonggukie’s favorite thing ever!” Jimin announces as he lifts up
the two take out bags in his hands.
“Favorite?” Jeongguk inquires.

Jimin attempts to do an inconspicuous visual sweep of the apartment that doesn’t go unnoticed by
anyone as if he’s expecting to find cumstains on every visible surface, something that he’d been
doing all week, and Yoongi nearly facepalms beside him.

“Yoongi hyung said that jajangmyeon is your favorite,” Jimin says before sauntering over to the
table and setting the bags down. “Did you guys have fun?” he asks, reaching into the bag and
setting the boxes of takeout on the table.

Taehyung shrugs. “We just watched movies all day.”

The other boy hums in approval, seemingly content with the fact that the couple hadn’t defiled
every surface in the apartment. “Well, don’t just sit there. Let’s eat!”

The jajangmyeon is good- better than Jeongguk remembers. When he was in the hospital, Jin
would sometimes send food along with his friends and it was the closest thing to comfort that
Jeongguk felt at the time. The meals he was provided at the hospital wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t
particularly good either. Often times it was just bland and Jeongguk hated the way he was watched
as if he was going to hide rice in between the folds of napkins as if he had some kind of eating
disorder. But back then he often had no appetite, for being on the constant verge of a panic attack
made his stomach feel queasy and every bite made him feel like throwing up.

But in this apartment with his friends, eating cheap takeout jajangmyeon that’s nice and settles
warmly in his stomach, Jeongguk feels more normal than he has in a very long time.

Jimin retells old and embarrassing stories of his and Taehyung’s childhood and when he reveals
something particularly embarrassing that has Yoongi bursting out into uncouth laughter, the other
boy flicks a wet noodle at his friend and Jimin squeals and yells at Taehyung for being gross. The
noodle had landed on his cheek with oyster sauce splattering in all directions and Jimin swears that
he’s going blind from the specks of sauce that had gotten into his eye.

Jeongguk hasn’t heard the sound of his own laughter in a good while. So long, in fact, that he’s not
even sure if he’s capable of such a thing anymore. But with Jimin fuming in the chair across from
him, Yoongi laughing so hard that he ends up snorting (which sends Jimin and Taehyung into a fit
as well), Jeongguk can feel something forgotten bubbling inside of his chest to escape past
upturned lips and upon this realization, the room nearly goes quiet.
Yoongi stares openly at him in shock, pale cheeks still flushed and Jimin ends up choking on water
next to him causing the elder to pat his back rather harshly. But Taehyung… Taehyung looks so
enamored. Jeongguk doesn’t laugh in a way that echoes throughout hollowed walls, but it’s soft
like the distant sounds of bells chiming in the wind. It’s shy, almost as if he’s asking permission to
enjoy himself like this. This docile side is something foreign to even Jeongguk, but he still feels as
if he’s wearing someone else’s skin over his bones. He’s still not quite sure if his body is his own,
but he’s trying to take it back. Slowly.

He’s scared that if he let’s his voice boom through thin walls then he’ll be doing too much at once.
He’s scared, so he takes back his happiness in small increments but Dr. Han says that as long as
he’s moving forward it doesn’t matter how long it takes for the flowers to sprout from between his
ribs again.

“I haven’t heard you laugh in so long,” Taehyung comments almost solemnly. “I missed it. You
sound so beautiful, y’know?”

Jeongguk’s own cheeks are suddenly kissed pink and he’s kicking his boyfriend’s foot under the
table and hissing a whispered, “shut up!”

“Jeongguk,” Jimin starts, seemingly over his moment of awe. “I was wondering if you wanted to
get together with us and the rest of the guys tomorrow and go see a movie or something? I heard
that American movie Kong is pretty good.”

Jeongguk stiffens.

“I know that we can’t go to bars and stuff like we used to…” Jimin looks rather reluctant to
mention alcohol. “But the guys really miss you.”

Taehyung seems to notices the way the leg brushing softly against his goes taut and Jeongguk can
feel his boyfriend eyeing his clenched fist and distant gaze in worry but Jeongguk is staring down
at an invisible speck of dirt on the table and refusing to look anyone in the eye.

“Jimin... I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Yoongi says. “Jeongguk just got back and I don’t think
we should throw too much at him at once.”

It’s already been six days.

“Yeah but-” Jimin starts but quickly shuts himself when he notices the youngest’s body posture
and blank expression. “You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so sorry, Jeongguk. I-

“It’s okay,” Jeongguk cuts him off, forcing himself to make eye contact and plaster on a smile.
“It’s okay, Jimin. I’m not gonna freak out on you or anything. I miss them too but I just need some
time.”

If Jeongguk could hide himself in a cave for all of eternity he would.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” the younger nods with a bit too much enthusiasm but suddenly he feels sick and the smell
of jajangmyeon is making him nauseous. He stands up so quickly that the chair screeches across
the floor and startles everyone.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” he says rather hurriedly before anyone can start asking him questions.
“I think I’ll head to bed now.”

Taehyung is already standing up and saying “I’m kinda beat too,” even though his jajangmyeon is
only halfway gone and Jeongguk knows that the other boy is still hungry. He’s about to insist for
Taehyung to stay but his boyfriend is already grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him towards
his bedroom while Yoongi and Jimin call their goodnights after them.

Jeongguk slips underneath the covers once he changes into more comfortable clothes and turns his
back to Taehyung to stare at very same wall that he once swore he saw bugs crawling along. He
can’t remember what they looked like but the thought sends a phantom of a shiver down his spine.

After a minute or so, Taehyung is crawling into the bed with him and snaking his arms the younger
to press him against his chest and Jeongguk tries not to think of the way that their bodies meld
together so perfectly.

“Are you okay?” Taehyung whispers against the shell of his ear.

“Yeah. Just tired.”

“That’s what you always said before everything happened,” Taehyung voices and it’s the truth but
it still stings a bit because Jeongguk doesn’t want to remember a past in which he lied to and
manipulated the man he loves.

There’s an uncomfortable stretch of silence where neither of them know what to say, but there’s a
silent plea hanging over them that’s begging Jeongguk to just tell the truth and not slip away like
before. Once again, Jeongguk doesn’t know where to start but Dr. Han had told him that anywhere
is better than nowhere at all.

“I dunno. When Jimin started to talk about going out and doing normal things that normal people
do with their friends I started to feel sick and I think that I had a mini panic attack.” He speaks the
words into the pillow so that they come out muffled and he’s not even sure if the other boy hears
him.

“Don’t feel bad,” Taehyung says after another prolonged silence. “Don’t feel bad, Guk.”

Jeongguk feels himself getting angry because he does feel bad. He feels awful. He’s incapable of
doing menial things without his every move being monitored and the thought of leaving the
apartment to go do simple tasks in the outside world makes him queasy. When he dreams about
kissing Taehyung his hands shake because he’s convinced that his lover still hasn’t uncovered all
of him and even though Taehyung knows all the stories of his past, there’s still a voice inside of
Jeongguk’s head that whispers to him and tells him to leave Taehyung’s side so that he can be
happy. Sometimes he’s no longer sure if they’re right and it’s their story. There’s a place
somewhere inside of him that smells like rotting meat and Taehyung glows. He’s a meadow. When
Jeongguk looks at him, things shift; get simple and stay delicate. Things become worth it.

But there’s always those ‘what ifs’. What if it means nothing? What if he never kisses first? What
if in the morning sun Taehyung regrets admitting his heart? What if the way the sun casts a
shadow upon Jeongguk’s sleeping frame no longer glows in the older boy’s eyes anymore?

“What if one day you wake up and don’t love me anymore?” Jeongguk says it so very softly and he
wishes that he could swallow every letter back into his mouth and chain it down to his heart.

“Jeongguk,” Taehyung’s baritone voice has taken on a certain firmness that has Jeongguk pliant
underneath the other’s touch when he sits up and turns Jeongguk flat on his back so that he can
look down at him. His face is serious, stern. “Why would you even think that?”

Because Jeongguk is a host of insecurities and he can’t stop thinking about all of the possibilities.
He can’t stop doubting. What if Taehyung doesn’t love him like roses, not like birdsongs, not like
little gestures. What if Taehyung loves him like good enough, like his parents don’t mind him, like
he’s comfortable enough. Like their relationship isn’t exactly what he pictured but it’s not like they
don’t get along. Like when Jeongguk isn’t administ a breakdown or breaking hearts he’s a good
person; like it would be scarier to be alone again.

But he doesn’t say all that because Jeongguk is afraid how they’ll come out of his mouth like
poetry or a disaster- probably the latter.

“What if you grow tired of me?” he asks instead.

“I could never grow tired of you.” Taehyung answers back so quickly, so surely just as the last
syllable leaves the younger’s mouth. His expression softens considerably. “I find new things to
love about you every single day. It’s terrifying, y’know?”

“How so?”

“Because just when I think that I have all of you memorized like the back of my hand you surprise
me.”

“I’m not that interesting,Tae,” Jeongguk remarks rather dryly.

Taehyung looks offended that he would even say that and Jeongguk wonders what version of
himself it is that his boyfriend sees to make him look at the other so lovingly, to make him touch
him like he’s discovered all seven wonders of the world.

“But you are,” Taehyung tone leaves no room for argument, for he speaks it like a fact. “I know
that Justin Bieber is your favorite singer and that you hate mushrooms with a passion. I know that
when you’re amused you always scrunch your nose to reveal your cute little bunny teeth and that
when you’re sad your smile looks like a lie. I know that you want to travel the world but you’re too
scared of change and that you’ve been afraid of thunderstorms since you were five. But it’s just
when I think that I know enough that you surprise me again. And it’s kind of scary because you’re
the suffer in silence kind of guy.”

Jeongguk opens his mouth to respond but Taehyung gives him a sharp look that instantly has the
words dying in his throat.
“And I get it.” He reaches down to run his hands through Jeongguk’s hair and brush the curves of
his cheek with his thumb. “I get that you’re scared. I get that ever since you were young you knew
how to sew yourself into the bed at night and rip yourself out in the mornings and pretend to be
okay. I get that you had to learn how to lie to protect your heart. But still, I want you to tell me
about what destruction feels like and how your heart aches for things beyond the ocean. About
how you’ve always wanted out of the little prison you’ve built for yourself but you’ve since
lowered your goals to just surviving.

You’re just surviving, right?”

Jeongguk nods, wordlessly.

“But you want to live, right?” Taehyung moves so that is body is hovering over the younger boy,
leaning down till their foreheads touch.

Jeongguk doesn’t even have to think about it this time when he let’s out a breathy, “yes.”

“You know, my mama taught me that if you’re gonna love someone, do it right. Love them as they
are. Love their past and their present and all they could be in the future. And god, Jeongguk. I love
you. I love your ghosts and your demons and the skeletons you keep hidden in the closet. I love the
parts of yourself that you’re too afraid to show the world.” He reaches for Jeongguk’s wrist and
traces the raised scars with his fingers. “And the parts of yourself you wish you could hide. I love
every single piece of you, even the pieces that are hard to love. I love you in your entirety.” He
squeezes his eyes shut and abandones tracing scars to intertwine their fingers together. “God damn
it, Jeon Jeongguk. I love you. I love you. I love you. I don’t think that I could ever let you go. I am
so insanely in love with you that if you were to leave, you would take my entire existence with
you.”

Jeongguk tries to find his voice, but forming a response is hard when he’s overcome with such
emotion that his throat swells and tears he tries his hardest to hold back begin to escape from the
outer corner to his eye to roll over his temple and dampen his hair.

He feels silly for even doubting Taehyung in the first place because the older boy looks at
Jeongguk like he is more than good enough. He looks at Jeongguk like spring rains, like fireworks
and blossoming cherry blossom trees. Not like Pluto but like Jupiter instead. He looks at him like
he’s worth something.

Enough. Enough. Enough.

And that’s all it takes for Jeongguk to grab Taehyung by the back of the neck and connect their
lips.

Jeon Jeongguk isn’t good at feelings. He’s not good at buying chocolates for pointless holidays or
whispering sweetly beneath the sheets. He’s good at playing with fire. He’s good at hurt. He’s
good at self destruction and blaming everyone but himself for his problems. He’s not good at love
because Jeongguk was never made for lazy Saturday’s and coffee dates. He was made for
hurricanes and lines of cocaine. He was made for bruised skin and broken cries, but he wants to be
made for something more.

And maybe Jeongguk won’t ever be as pretty as shootings stars but he wants to be something.

He knows that kissing Taehyung like this, like he’s been drowning and the older boy is the air to
fill his lungs with oxygen isn’t going to fix him. Jeongguk knows that he’s funny and smart and has
a way of making the younger laugh and forget the pain. And yeah, when they’re together,
Jeongguk feels whole again. He knows that his eyes light up the room and his smile makes his
heart skip a beat. But Taehyung can’t fix him.

He knows that at the end of the day, Taehyung is just person.

But Taehyung kisses Jeongguk like he doesn’t need to think about the future. He kisses him hot
and hungrily as if he’s a starving man ready to drown underneath the younger’s touch. He presses
their bodies so close together that Jeongguk’s not sure where he ends or the other begins. He’s not
sure of anything else besides the bruising feeling of Taehyung’s lips against his and it turns his
whole body into lava. There’s something crawling across his skin, a wicked feeling like if he keeps
kissing Taehyung like this he could bring about the apocalypse. But he doesn’t want to be afraid
anymore. He doesn’t want to cower and push everyone away.

Taehyung brands love into his lips like a promise and drags his teeth along the curves of his
jawline to nip teasingly at the hollow point where his throat meets his body and Jeongguk thinks
that if he could, he’d be a rainstorm and chase himself off into the wilds of new countries. And it’s
so easy to pretend that nothing matters if Jeongguk just fills himself up with less important puzzles.
It’s so easy to walk himself through broken hearts and parties instead of wondering where he’ll be
by the time everything catches up around his feet. It’s always been easier to buy a bottle of whiskey
to stuff his secrets inside.

But pretending has never done anything good in his life so, for once, Jeongguk wants to be honest
with himself.
Taehyung presses a hand to the curve of Jeongguk’s back and holds him so closely. So very
closely, as if he’s afraid that Jeongguk will sink into the bed and disappear forever. Forever’s a
long time.

“T-Tae,” Jeongguk whines out when he realizes that the older boy has started grinding against him.
His loose pajamas feel hot. So hot. He isn’t wearing any underwear, so the pressure of Taehyung’s
straining cock has him jerking away from the rough feeling of the buttons of his jeans. “I want you.
Iwantyousobad ,” he breathes out all at once.

Taehyung groans against his collarbones, the vibration making the younger shiver. “You can’t just
say things like that. It drives me crazy,” he mutters against Jeongguk’s skin as he reaches down to
palm teasingly at Jeongguk’s erection.

And it feels good. It feels good but Jeongguk isn’t completely drowning yet. Salt water has yet to
fill his lungs and he’s still thinking about that seventeen year old boy and that ahjumma living in
that old, old house. It’s not enough, so he’s pushing Taehyung back for a moment to yank his shirt
off over his head and practically ripping Taehyung’s off before sinking back into the pillow’s and
smashing their lips together. Now he can feel the warmth of his lover’s skin under his fingernails
and pressed up against his chest. It’s a little less painful, but Jeongguk needs to feel something
more more more.

“Touch me,” he’s practically begging. “Touch me. Touch me. Oh, fuck me .”

His past is suffocating. He needs this.

Jeongguk swats Taehyung’s hand away so that he can yank his pj’s down and allow his cock free.
No sooner is he reaching for Taehyung’s zipper and undoing the button.

“I love you,” Jeongguk whispers, but it sounds more like a desperate plea to make him forget.
Forget his sadness and his past and everything that makes his dreams turn to nightmares. How do
people forget? Jeongguk wants to forget.

He’s naked but Taehyung isn’t naked enough and Jeongguk is just growing frustrated and impatient
because the stupid zipper is stuck and Taehyung isn’t fucking helping and-

“Woah there.” Taehyung grabs Jeongguk’s wrist. His hand is shaking. “There’s no need to rush,
babe. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

They don’t. Jeongguk is sure that they don’t.

Taehyung pulls back again to take off his jeans and underwear and Jeongguk is already parting his
legs for the other. They’re pressed back together now but Jeongguk is naked and dirty and he isn’t
choking on pleasure hard enough. Maybe if Taehyung wraps his hands around the younger’s throat
and fucks into him like an animal it’ll be enough.

“Fuck me,” Jeongguk demands shakily, spreading his legs further apart and grasping Taehyung by
the dick. “Fuck me right now.”

“B-babe,” Taehyung stutters, clearly taken aback with how unhinged Jeongguk is. He’s pressing
Taehyung’s cock against his hole and he knows that it’ll hurt without any prepping or lube because
it’s been too many months but Jeongguk needs to feel the pain. He needs to feel it all.

Taehyung whispers gently for the younger to stop and slow down but Jeongguk’s not listening. He
doesn’t want to listen. He just wants to be fucked like the dirty, worthless person he is. He needs it.
He needs it. He-

“Jeongguk, stop ,” Taehyung says more firmly this time. There’s fear causing his voice to shake.

He’s pressing Jeongguk down by the waist, fingers creating valley’s in his skin and he prays that
they leave bruises. Blue and purple fading into yellow as if Taehyung has created his own personal
little galaxy. He likes it when Taehyung plays God like this.

“Don’t you want me?” Unsteady. Uncertain. Terrified; Jeongguk is terrified that the boy he loves
doesn’t find his body as beautiful as before.

“What? No. Jeongguk-” he pulls away so that he isn’t pressed right up against Jeongguk’s hole.
“You have no clue about the things I want to do to you-”

“Then do them,” Jeongguk practically huffs in annoyance.

“-but I don’t want to do anything that might hurt you later on when you’re not in the right head
space. I couldn’t forgive myself if I did.” Taehyung is solemn, stroking the blush of Jeongguk’s
cheeks and looking at him so openly, so carefully.

“But I’m-”

“Don’t say you’re fine,” Taehyung cuts off. “Just a few days ago you told me that you weren’t
ready and it’s okay to still not be ready, Guk. I’m not going anywhere.” It’s a promise. A promise
that has Jeongguk letting out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding.

“Okay,” he mumbles. “I’m still really hard though.”

“We can do other things,” Taehyung suggests.

“Like what?”

“Like this.” Taehyung then presses his cock against Jeongguk’s and wraps his hand around both of
them. The younger is leaking embarrassingly so and Taehyung smears the precum down both of
their lengths in slow, gentle strokes.

“ Oh ,” Jeongguk moans. He’s never done this before and it’s exciting. So exciting. Taehyung’s
hands are big and nice and fit around both of their cocks so perfectly and there’s something so
intimate about this, being able to feel how his lover twitches against his own length has fire
shooting down his veins.

Taehyung leans forward to kiss him again and this time it’s all teeth and tongue and they haven’t
kissed like this in awhile. This isn’t a lazy Saturday morning kiss. Their bodies are pressed up so
closely against each other as if neither of them can’t get enough and the pace that Taehyung has set
has become brutal- borderline painful.

It’s desperate and sloppy and fucking nasty and Jeongguk knows that he’s moaning so recklessly
loud. He knows that Yoongi and Jimin can probably hear his wanton cries but he can’t bring
himself to care. They aren’t even kissing anymore, just panting frantically against each other’s
mouths and Jeongguk is already approaching the edge so fast. It’s only been a few minutes but his
toes are curling and he’s a slurring mess of begging Taehyung to go faster.
“C-cumming,” he cries wantonly into the other’s mouth. “T-Taehyung, I’m cumming . Oh god.
Ohmyfuckinggod .”

“Cum for me,” Taehyung pants. “Cum for me, Guk.”

And Jeongguk does. He ejaculates with a cut off moan; all white, hot and sticky all over his
stomach and Taehyung’s hand as his lover rides him through his orgasm. When he begins to jerk
and hiss in oversensitivity, Taehyung stops and pulls back.

“Fuck,” Jeongguk mutters. He feels boneless.

“Feeling any better?”

“Yeah, but…” Jeongguk eyes Taehyung’s dick, still fully erect. “I came so fast. I’m so sorry, Tae. I
don’t know why I- you didn’t even-” he’s at a loss for words. How fucking embarrassing.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright. Not a big deal,” he reassures before making a joke about taking a long, cold
shower.

“At least let me take care of you,” Jeongguk pleads with a soft pout that he knows the other can
never say no to.

“Only if you’re sure,” Taehyung says slowly, eyes scanning Jeongguk’s expression for any
apprehension.

“Of course.”

And it’s not anything kinky like a blowjob that has Jeongguk choking on Taehyung’s cock. There’s
no drool or gagging or Jeongguk begging for his face to be fucked. Rather, it’s a simple sloppy
handjob that leads to a subpar orgasm but Taehyung doesn’t complain. He just kisses Jeongguk on
the forehead before grabbing his t-shirt and wiping them both off because they’re too tired for a
shower.

It was all so rushed as if Taehyung could sense how desperate Jeongguk was for something. For
anything. It was all so imperfect and nothing compared to the mind blowing sex they had before
that would lead to Jeongguk cumming so hard that he’d nearly black out. It was mediocre;
domestic, almost.

But it’s okay. Jeongguk is kind of okay, he thinks.

It’s okay because they’re both sweaty and naked and tangled together beneath their sheets.
Taehyung is stroking his hair and Jeongguk feels so warm and content. It’s familiar and
Taehyung’s warmness is the kind of stability that he needs. There’s art in the way that Taehyung’s
fingers dance across the bare skin of his shoulder, tracing invisible patterns like his hands are made
from velvet.

They don’t say anything else. Just lay there in silence and Jeongguk swears that he hears the waves
of the ocean and smells the salt of the sea and it’s like he’s back in Busan but Taehyung is his
Busan.

And it’s hard. It’s hard for Jeongguk to have hope. Sometimes, he just doesn’t care and the future
seems so bleak but slowly, very slowly, the colors are starting to return one by one.

He saw a flash of green for the first time in awhile today.

“Hyung, hurry up! We have to go!” Jeongguk’s voice carries itself across the apartment and it’s
only a moment later that Taehyung’s head is peeking around the corner of the bedroom doorway to
openly pout at his boyfriend before sighing dramatically.

“Fashion matters , Jeongguk.”

This earns him an eye roll in response. “It’s just a graduation, Tae.”

“This isn’t just any graduation,” he argues. “It’s Jin and Yoongi’s sweet release from prison only to
be thrown into a world of capitalism and deteriorating libido!”

“Touche.”
“Green or black?” Taehyung asks, holding out the two tops- tops that Taehyung has purposefully
cut holes into and Jeongguk isn’t sure how it’s considered fashion.

“Black.”

“Your entire wardrobe is black, babe,” Taehyung points out. “I like the green.”

Jeongguk let’s out an irritated huff. “Then wear the green, Tae. I don’t care. We have to go now or
we’ll be late.”

“Fine, fine,” Taehyung tsks. “We can go now you big baby.”

Taehyung then disappears back into the room before the younger boy can respond to change and
it’s only a minute later that he comes back out wearing a green top with various holes cut into it
with scissors. Once again, Jeongguk has to squash out the urge to question his boyfriend’s taste in
what he considers to be fashion.

“You look smashing. So who’s funeral are we going to?” Taehyung half compliments, half jokes.

Jeongguk had gone the more formal route; a black button up dress shirt (surprise) rolled up to his
forearms, tucked into equally as dark slacks.

“Haha, very funny,” he replies rather dryly towards the jibe.

“I think that I have a kink for you dressed all fancy,” Taehyung admits. “Kinda want you to choke
me and make me call you daddy.”

“Please don’t,” Jeongguk balks.

“Sir?”
“I can work with that.”

Taehyung lets out a rather obnoxious laugh. “Kinky.”

May is hot and miserable and the last place Jeongguk wants to be is in a crowd of parents and
friends, pushing his way through and muttering excuse me’s whilst trying to find his Jimin and the
rest of his friends. It doesn’t help that he’s being stopped every few seconds by old classmates
calling his name in surprise and excitement, their eyes lighting up with questions of his
whereabouts and inviting him to parties that Taehyung kindly turns down for him.

He doesn’t know how to answer all of their overwhelming questions because Jeongguk had been
stupid enough to not consider the fact that he’s popular and the bane of every heart throb on
campus. Jeongguk had been so preoccupied in his little bubble of him and Taehyung and his two
closest friends that he hadn’t stopped to consider much about the outside world. He had forgotten
that while time had never stopped moving for everyone else, it didn’t mean that his existence had
been wiped from their minds as well.

Jeongguk didn’t know much about the rumours that had been started after he disappeared. He
hadn’t had any access to his cellphone in the hospital and Yoongi had even gone the extra length to
delete facebook and twitter from his phone before giving it back, warning the younger to stay off.

But Jeongguk figured that it was more about cutting him off from old acquaintances that
encouraged terrible habits juxtapose to keeping Jeongguk away from any bad rumours that had
been spread about him.

He tries to not think about the things that have been said about him or the underlying tones and
meanings in their words as they pat him on the shoulder and offer kinds words of comfort such as,
we missed you! But Jeongguk knows that the person they’re all missing isn’t the same person that
stands before them now. He knows that the Jeongguk from all those months ago; the him that
partied on weekdays and drank his liver away is a ghost- not that anyone needs to know that was
him to begin with.

And things begin to get uncomfortable and Jeongguk is a little anxious because he hasn’t had this
much attention on himself in so long, but Taehyung is with him every step of the way. He
intervenes when questions become too personal and Jeongguk looks like he’s about to throw up all
over some faceless girl’s pretty pink dress and squeezes his shaking hand in reassurance. Taehyung
is like an anchor; the oxygen to keep his lungs from seizing up. And Jeongguk is managing...he’s
managing and that is enough because the changes don’t have to be big and he knows that he’s
moving in small increments of three’s but Dr. Han says that he’s doing just fine and his friends
smile at him like he’s doing enough.

“There they are!” Taehyung shouts, tugging Jeongguk by the hand and snaking his way through
the crowd to a group of boys seated in the middle rows.

“Hoseok hyung!” Taehyung calls, booming voice drawing the attention of a few people for a
moment.

Hoseok jumps at the sudden loudness but instantly grins when he spots the other boy and starts
waving and shouting as well. They settle down with pats on the back and hugs and Hoseok
clinging to Jeongguk like a lost child because he’d missed the younger and Jeongguk let's him, but
Taehyung isn’t too keen on sharing and constantly has to fight the young man off.

It’s kind of nice. Jeongguk had been too afraid to face his other friends for a few weeks now, but
they act as if he’d never left and talk to him like an old friend. Namjoon doesn’t give him wary
looks and Hoseok doesn’t question about the hospital. They simply joke about and make crude
jibes at each other.

It’s really nice.

Eventually, the ceremony starts and it’s about halfway through it that Seokjin steps out onto stage
and all of the boys immediately jump up to hoot and holler, making as much noise as possible.
Seokjin looks positively embarrassed, pink rising to his cheeks as he glares at the group of boys far
into the crowd but there’s no real animosity behind it.

Yoongi comes on ten minutes after Seokjin does and Jeongguk really let’s go then, screaming
“that’s my hyung!” at the top of his lungs and pointing as the elder is handed his diploma. Yoongi
grins widely, clearly not at all perturbed by the rowdy bunch.

Hoseok makes a joke about having to prepare for Seokjin and Yoongi’s funeral in a couple of
years and Jeongguk laughs. He laughs loud and genuine this time- there’s no hesitance, no quiver
in the chime of bells as if he’s asking for permission to feel joy. He laughs so fully that his stomach
hurts and Namjoon calls them childish with a roll of his eyes, but the dimpled grin on his face
betrays his own words.

It’s perfect. Almost too perfect.

Jeongguk hasn’t felt this light in a while. It’s scary. It’s scary because this small moment of
happiness is a temporary feeling that could be robbed from him any moment, but he doesn’t want
to let it go. He doesn’t want it to slip through his fingers or bleed through paper like ink. He wants
to keep it held so closely to his heart and never let go.

He wants to be happy. Can he be happy?

But Jeongguk is tired of asking for permission. He’s tired of every question mark being followed
by silence and he’s tired of waiting until it’s too late because he’s always too late. And he craves
completion like the sea craves the shore but he’s been empty for so long that the concept of being
whole again is scary.

He wants to be whole. He wants to fill the empty places in his heart with warmth and the smell of
citrus shampoo.

Taehyung squeezes his hand, looks at him through thick black lashes and Jeongguk imagines that
if he brushed his thumb across them, they’d reveal to be hiding stardust. He imagines himself a
planet and Taehyung his satellite and that the smile his boyfriend sends his way is the birth of
another galaxy.

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice low enough for only the two of them to hear.

“Yeah,” Jeongguk answers with a nod. “I’m fine, Tae. I’m happy.” His heart swells and he grins so
widely that his face might split in half. “Really happy.”

Jeongguk’s not sure how long this feeling will last. He’s not sure if he’ll wake up every morning to
sunlight feeding the blooming flowers within the spaces between his ribcage or to seeing
Taehyung’s beautiful face every morning. He’s not sure how long it’ll take for the anxiety to catch
up with him, or maybe depression might stop by for a visit on a thursday morning.

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. Because nothing is set in stone and life is a series of
unpredictability and it’s a terrifying concept to know that one day all of this might go away. But for
now, he wants to treasure this moment. For now, he’s okay.

“I’m happy if you’re happy,” Taehyung says with another gentle squeeze of his hand. “You know
that I love you, right?”
 “Yeah,” Jeongguk nods, voice fond. “Yeah, I know.”

And he knows that Taehyung will still love him tomorrow and the day after that as well. He knows
that tomorrow morning he’ll wake up to a few dozen spammed messages from Hoseok, and Jimin
burning pancakes in the small kitchen. Yoongi will ask if he slept well and Seokjin will save the
day and cook for them all only for Namjoon to nearly burn the house down all over again.

Tomorrow, Jeongguk will wake up knowing that he is loved.

Chapter End Notes

This is the end?

i can't believe it's actually over. can you believe that i wrote 235 pages in 5 months? i
was scared to end this because I've grown so sentimental over it and have created such
an attachment to this story and I guess I kinda have had that fear of: now what? do I
just fade into the background as one of many faceless writers or is there something
more for me? I hope there's something more. I hope that I'm enough.

jeongguk is a reflection of a lot of my insecurities. you know that bathroom scene with
him freaking out and hurting himself actually happened to me when i was 15? except
no one came for me. i know some of you disliked his character but i wanted to write
him as a flawed human rather than an ideal fantasy. it's scary to let him go like this. but
we all have to let go someday

right?

it's spring! it's finally spring and the sun is shining and i'm still alive! i've been
struggling a lot recently with myself mentally and feeling inadequate but reading the
comments from you guys always makes me feel better and it's crazy that people are
still reading this fic. yesterday we reached over 1,000 kudos and i was so shocked!!! i
can't believe that my writing could reach people like it has!! i love you guys so
much!!! Thank you for going on this journey with me!

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to just not exist because i just want to be
enough but i know that the only person that i need to be enough for is myself.
sometimes i feel like nothing but skin stretched across worn out bones and i dont know
how to properly tell people that im hurting so i write. i write morbidly depressing
stories like this and hope that people will read them and listen.

so thank you all for listening to me.

it's spring and the sun is shining and i'm still alive. next month will be may and then
june, july, before fall starts back up and somewhere in between those months i will be
20 years old and alive.
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 Thank You
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

If you were expecting another surprise chapter, I'm sorry. This isn't one. I know that it might seen
unprofessional and cheap for me as a writer to add a new chapter as an authors note or w/e but
there's so much that I just want to thank you guys for and I know that not all of you follow my
social medias. It's 5AM and I've been looking through comments again and I know that I don't
respond to a lot of them but I just want you guys to know that I truly appreciate every single one of
them.

I know that this may seem silly and dramatic for me to say but my stories really wouldn't be
anything without you guys. I wouldn't be able to grow as a writer without everyone's feedback and
support. Before I posted Hiraeth, I never thought that it would get much attention. For me, I was
just venting my feelings. Like a low key autobiography I guess? I didn't expect anyone to read it. I
didn't expect anyone to cry. I didn't expect to move anyone with my words. But knowing that I
could convey something meaningful in such a way through my words means the world to me. I've
been writing fanfiction since 2010 but I have never connected with a community like the way I
have on ao3. To be able to read comments about everyone's struggles and thanking me for writing
something that a lot of you can relate to is heartbreaking as much as it is joyous for me. Because as
silly as it may seem, I don't want any of you to feel as lonely and depressed as Jeongguk did.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point. I hope you're all doing well and eating good food and drinking
enough water. Please remember that there will be better days, I promise you that. The clouds won't
peel away from the sun just because you want it to and rain won't stop just because you wish it
away. These things take time. Recovery takes time but I believe in each and every single one of you
because the sun is back!!! And today is June. Next month it'll be July, and then before you know it
school will come back around and somewhere in between those months you will be another year
older and alive.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you ❤

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Chapter End Notes

check out my new taekook fic here

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Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!