Accused of Comedy

by Carl L. Williams
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TOLL FREE: 888.473.8521
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PO BOX 248
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 ACCUSED OF COMEDY
By Carl L. Williams
Copyright © 2007 by Carl L. Williams, All Rights Reserved
ISBN: 978-1-60003-213-4

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2 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

ACCUSED OF COMEDY
By Carl L. Williams

SYNOPSIS: After comedy has been outlawed in society, two bottom-of-

the-barrel comics face trial for committing comedy, along with the young
woman who broke the law by laughing at them. Confronted by a stern lady
magistrate, they discover humor is no laughing matter.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
(2 females, 2 males)

HOOPER (m) .................................. vaudeville style comic, 30’s

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DOBBS (m) .................................... ditto above, 40’s
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WILHAMENA (f) .......................... sweetly attractive, naive, 20’s
MADAM MAGISTRATE (f) ......... formidable, repressed, 30’s-40’s

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SETTING: A detention center, sparsely furnished with simple benches and

a single wooden chair.
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TIME: Sometime in the ridiculous future.

PROPS: Two balloons.

PRODUCTION HISTORY

Maxim Mazumdar One-Act Play Contest winner (2003) with production at

Alleyway Theatre in Buffalo, NY as part of an evening of short works
called, “Buffalo Quickies.” The original cast is as follows:

Michael Starzynski .................................................... HOOPER

Louise Reger ................................................................. DOBBS
Susan Drozd...................................................... WILHAMENA
Pamela Rose Mangus.................... MADAME MADISTRATE
Joyce Stilson .......................................................... DIRECTOR

A Playwrights Forum Festival winner with production in June, 2005 at

Spokane Civic Theatre.
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 3

AT RISE: WILHAMENA sits disconsolately as HOOPER and DOBBS

stride back and forth.

HOOPER: This is an outrage!

DOBBS: It’s your own fault.
HOOPER: An absolute outrage!
DOBBS: You knew what would happen.
HOOPER: How dare they lock us up this way?!
DOBBS: And why me? I was only the straight man.
HOOPER: Aha! That’s right. You’re the one who set me up!
DOBBS: All I did was ask, “Why are they called gumdrops?” You’re
the one who had to say--

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HOOPER: Because they make your teeth fall out, and then your gum
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drops.

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WILHAMENA suddenly laughs, then claps her hands over her mouth
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and looks around fearfully.

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DOBBS: It was bad enough they grabbed us for that lousy joke, but
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they even arrested this innocent bystander.

HOOPER: She was a by-laugher. Telling a joke is one violation.
Responding with laughs, snickers, and titters is a separate
offense. That’s why they hauled her in.
WILHAMENA: I’m always getting picked up. I just can’t help it. I
laugh at everything.
DOBBS: Where were you when we needed you? At our last gig.
WILHAMENA: Don’t tell me you’re-- (whispers) Comedians.
HOOPER: That’s a matter of opinion. Our last audience wasn’t
convinced.
WILHAMENA: Audience? But that’s against the law. They shut down
all the clubs.
HOOPER: We play the underground joints.
DOBBS: The laugh-easies.
HOOPER: Sound-proofed for belly laughs, but they still get raided by
the humor police.
DOBBS: We’re Hooper and Dobbs. Maybe you’ve heard of us.
WILHAMENA: No, but I think you’re funny.
DOBBS: You could get us in trouble saying that.
4 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

HOOPER: She already got us in trouble when she laughed.

DOBBS: You got her in trouble when you made the joke.
HOOPER: I only made half the joke. And the last time I got a girl in
trouble, it was no joke!

HOOPER makes a vaudevillian punch line gesture, and WILHAMENA

laughs.

DOBBS: Wow. You really do laugh at everything.

WILHAMENA: I think I was born that way. I tried applying for
disability, but they told me I just have to control myself.
HOOPER: As long as you’re with us, feel free to lose control.

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DOBBS: We should at least know our audience’s name, don’t you
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think?
WILHAMENA: Wilhamena.

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HOOPER: Wilhamena. That’s a pretty name.
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WILHAMENA: I don’t like it. The kids used to call me Wilhamena the
laughing hyena.
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DOBBS: They were joking.
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WILHAMENA: No, that would’ve gotten them suspended. I try hard

to stay out of trouble. I keep to myself. In the evening I listen to the
government symphony on TV. There’s nothing funny about the
symphony. Except the triangle player.
HOOPER: You got a sense of humor.
WILHAMENA: Don’t say that. It’s cruel.
DOBBS: Never be ashamed to laugh.
WILHAMENA: I’m just afraid. What do you think they’re going to do
to us?
HOOPER: Make us pay a fine, I suppose.
WILHAMENA: Or lock us up. It depends on the offense.
DOBBS: We’ve been offensive a long time.
WILHAMENA: It’s hard to find work when you have a record. Even
when they give you a chance, they’re always watching you,
waiting for you to slip up with a smile or a funny remark.
HOOPER: We know a lot about people waiting for us to be funny.
DOBBS: It’s a hallmark of our career. Oh, Mr. Hooper.
HOOPER: Yes, Mr. Dobbs?
DOBBS: Say something funny for our audience here.
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 5

HOOPER: All right. Transylvania. Schenectady. Dubuque.

DOBBS: Dubuque? Why not Omaha?
HOOPER: Omaha’s not funny.
DOBBS: Omaha has to be funny. It ends with a “ha.”
HOOPER and DOBBS: (With a “ta-da” gesture to WILHAMENA.)
HA!

WILHAMENA doubles over laughing.

HOOPER: We’re a hit!

DOBBS: This kid’s a one-woman laugh track.
WILHAMENA: It’s just that. . . in a world where there’s no humor

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allowed, any little thing at all seems really funny.
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HOOPER: The audience giveth, and the audience taketh away.
DOBBS: You want funny? I got funny.

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DOBBS takes a balloon from his pocket and starts to blow it up.
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HOOPER: If we had a deck of cards, we could play strip poker. I
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always get laughs when I’m naked.

DOBBS: I only play strip solitaire.
WILHAMENA: What are you going to do with the balloon?
DOBBS: Here’s an opera singer hitting high C.

DOBBS stretches apart the neck of the inflated balloon to make a

high-pitched squeal as he opens his mouth in sync to it, performing
with emotional expressions and playing the balloon to vary its sounds
as he “vocalizes,” ending with a drawn-out note.

HOOPER: That wasn’t a high C. Didn’t you ever take music lessons?
DOBBS: Yeah, but I didn’t take notes.

WILHAMENA is laughing.

DOBBS: (Continued, still playing the balloon, breaks into song)

“Lady of Spain, I adore you!”
6 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

MADAM MAGISTRATE, dressed in severe, militaristic garb, marches

in sternly with a file folder.

MADAM: Stop that! Stop that right this minute! You are breaking the
law!

DOBBS holds the balloon, but lets the air whoosh out in a noisy rush.
WILHAMENA cowers.

HOOPER: Who are you?

MADAM: I am Madam Magistrate. Don’t you know the use of
balloons has been outlawed?

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DOBBS: What, this? It’s a lung exerciser.
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MADAM: Give it here. Right now.

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MAGISTRATE stretches out her hand, and DOBBS gives her the
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balloon, which SHE takes with disgust and puts in her pocket.
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HOOPER: Saving it till later, huh?
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MADAM: Are you two Dobbs and Hooper?

HOOPER: No, we’re Hooper and Dobbs.
DOBBS: Why can’t we ever be Dobbs and Hooper?
HOOPER: That wouldn’t be kosher.
DOBBS: But we’re not Jewish.
HOOPER: Of course not, or we’d be a lot funnier.
MADAM: Enough! You are shamelessly violating the law, and in the
very presence of a magistrate.
DOBBS: I never met a magistrate before. Is that anything like a
potentate?
MADAM: I am invested with the full authority of the law to make a
disposition of your case.
HOOPER: Our case is disposed? Let’s go.

HOOPER and DOBBS turn to go.

MADAM: Stop!
DOBBS: I guess we’re indisposed.
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 7

WILHAMENA is barely restraining a laugh.

MADAM: And you, young woman. Are you about to do something

contrary to the law?

WILHAMENA shakes her head.

HOOPER: Wait a minute, lady--

MADAM: Call me Madam.
DOBBS: An Irving Berlin fan.
MADAM: I don’t get it.
DOBBS: (Groucho inflection.) And dressed like that, you never will.

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MADAM: You’re not making sense.
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DOBBS: I’m not making whoopee, either, so get that out of your
mind.

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HOOPER: Which reminds me. . . what did you do with my whoopee
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cushion?
MADAM: All such contraband is incinerated.
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HOOPER: That really burns me up.
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WILHAMENA snickers.

MADAM: Control yourself!

WILHAMENA: That’s what everybody tells me. But how?
MADAM: When you’re faced with temptation–– (Glances at
HOOPER and DOBBS.) ––it helps to think unpleasant thoughts.
DOBBS: That’s not hard with you around.
MADAM: Concentrate on the gravity of life. The striving. The
yearning. The heartaches. Watch the news more often.
WILHAMENA: I’ll try.
HOOPER: The biggest news is the ongoing persecution of those of
us in the humor profession.
MADAM: Prosecution is not persecution. It is justice.
DOBBS: They really did a good job indoctrinating you.
MADAM: I have been emancipated from the slavery of silliness. I do
not waste my energy in meaningless and improper activities.
HOOPER: Gee, I always liked meaningless and improper activities.
8 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

MADAM: Thankfully, society has made great progress in recent

years by subjugating--in some cases, eliminating--those of your
so-called profession, until now we’re down to the likes of you.
DOBBS: Everybody’s a critic.
MADAM: We arrested the most blatant offenders first, of course--the
ones most responsible for causing laughter. David Letterman is
doing 9,000 hours of community service. Jay Leno is on shock
probation in Burbank.
HOOPER: And I heard you picked up Conan O’Brien.
MADAM: Yes, but we had to let him go for lack of evidence.
DOBBS: No matter how repressive you get, you’ll never stop the
laughter.

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MADAM: Oh, really? Woody Allen is serving a life sentence. And we
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shot Jim Carrey.
WILHAMENA: You didn’t!

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MADAM: All films and television shows evoking laughs are now
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banned.
HOOPER: At least the networks got to keep their sitcoms.
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MADAM: Every day we arrest people for dealing in the black market.
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Our undercover agents seek out contraband tapes of “I Love Lucy”

and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” And when the buy is made--
bam! Off to jail the culprits go.
DOBBS: I suppose that gives you satisfaction.
MADAM: Not enough. I’d love to get my hands on those rogues of
the past. . . Bob Hope, Red Skelton, Groucho Marx, Mae West.
HOOPER: I feel the same way.
DOBBS: You do?
HOOPER: I’d love to get my hands on Mae West.

WILHAMENA laughs.

MADAM: (To WILHAMENA.) If you don’t stop that, I’ll have you
sedated.
WILHAMENA: Please don’t.
MADAM: I’d send you off to jail if I thought it would do any good. But
you need treatment, so I’m going to commit you to a reeducation
center.
WILHAMENA: No!
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 9

MADAM: The doctors there have discovered which parts of the brain
coordinate the laugh response. You will undergo a minor surgical
procedure to short-circuit the neurological connection.
HOOPER: Do what you want to me, but leave the girl alone.
DOBBS: Yeah, do what you want to Hooper, but leave us alone.
MADAM: I will do what I want with all of you. And now I intend to
proceed with this adjudication. (Sits in the wooden armchair.)
Hooper and Dobbs, you stand accused of comedy.
HOOPER: That’s because we’re stand-up comics.
MADAM: Is that a confession?
HOOPER: No, it’s a joke.
MADAM: In which case, that’s a confession.

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DOBBS: What we have here is a clear case of entrapment.
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MADAM: Are you a lawyer?
DOBBS: You don’t have to get insulting.

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MADAM: I warn you, lawyer jokes carry an extra fine.
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HOOPER: Who made that law?

MADAM: The lawyers. Do you have any defense for the conduct of
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which you are accused?
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DOBBS: It was all in good fun.

MADAM: There is no such thing as “good” fun. Fun is for fools.
HOOPER: Exactly. That’s our defense. We’re fools and can’t be held
accountable.
MADAM: Do you want to go to the reeducation center, too?
HOOPER: (Glances affectionately at WILHAMENA’S.) If
Wilhamena’s going to be there, maybe I do.
WILHAMENA: (Touched.) Oh, Mr. Hooper.
DOBBS: I have a question.
MADAM: What is it?
DOBBS: Why are they called gumdrops?
HOOPER: (Defiantly.) Because they make your teeth fall out, and
then your gum drops!
MADAM: Mr. Hooper, I find you guilty of committing comedy with
humor aforethought. And Mr. Dobbs, I find you guilty of being his
accomplice.
DOBBS: Even on Judgment Day, I’ll still get second billing.
HOOPER: All right, so what’s our fine?
10 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

MADAM: Fine, Mr. Hooper? For a petty offense you would pay a
fine.
DOBBS: You can’t get more petty than a joke like that.
MADAM: True, but your conduct here today, combined with your
long record of past offenses, proves to me that you are both
incorrigible. As Magistrate, I have the prerogative to upgrade the
charge to a felony, and I do.
DOBBS: That’s not fair!
HOOPER: It’s not even funny.
MADAM: However. . . there is one option which is currently being
offered. I was opposed to it, but I was overruled. You can be
placed on probation if you are willing to take the Oath of

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Seriousness.
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HOOPER: The what?
MADAM: The Oath of Seriousness.

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DOBBS: I’ve heard of that. It’s like selling your soul.
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MADAM: I am empowered to deliver the oath, if you choose.

HOOPER: We’ll have to think about it.
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MADAM: I will give you time to do so. A very little time.
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MADAM exits.

WILHAMENA: She’s so mean.

DOBBS: But she’s kinda cute. I’m a sucker for a girl in uniform.
HOOPER: You’re a sucker, period.
DOBBS: She’s a walking sight gag.
HOOPER: Yeah, the sight of her makes me gag. She could put us
away for a long time.
DOBBS: Unless we take the oath and swear to give up comedy.
WILHAMENA: Oh, no. You wouldn’t do that, would you?
HOOPER: These people are ruthless. They proved that when they
started killing all the clowns.
DOBBS: Mimes I could understand. But clowns?
HOOPER: When they booby-trapped that little car, it took out 14 of
them.
WILHAMENA: At least you two have a choice. Me, I have to go to
that. . . that awful place.
DOBBS: I say we go down fighting.
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 11

DOBBS takes out another balloon and starts blowing it up.

HOOPER: You’re just a blowhard.

DOBBS: I’m serious.
HOOPER: If you were serious, you’d be innocent. But if you’re
joking, you’re guilty.
DOBBS: It’s a Catch 32.
HOOPER: You mean 22.
DOBBS: (Wiggles the balloon.) Inflation.
WILHAMENA: (Distraught.) Oh, when is this all going to end?
HOOPER: (Looks at his watch.) In about another five minutes.

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(DOBBS bounces the tied balloon up in the air.) Are you taking
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that into court?
DOBBS: Sure. . . it’s a trial balloon.

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HOOPER: We have to make up our minds about the oath.
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DOBBS: It’s the day of reckoning.

HOOPER: The moment of truth.
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DOBBS: Now’s the time.
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HOOPER: (Looks at WILHAMENA.) To say goodbye.

HOOPER & DOBBS: (Sing to “Mickey Mouse Club” tune.) “To all our
company…”

MADAM enters.

MADAM: I must have your answer now.

DOBBS: Let’s hear the oath.
MADAM: Raise your right hands.
HOOPER: I only have one right hand.

WILHAMENA smothers a laugh. HOOPER & DOBBS raise their right

hands. DOBBS conceals the balloon behind his back with his left
hand.

MADAM: That will be your last joke, Mr. Hooper.

DOBBS: One for the road.
MADAM: Yours, too, Mr. Dobbs. Now pay attention to the oath. “I will
not tell jokes or laugh at those who do. I will not try to be funny. I
12 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

will not make silly remarks. I will not snicker, giggle, or guffaw. I
will not make strange noises or foolish faces in an effort to amuse.
I will be serious at all times.” Do you swear to this?
DOBBS: So help me Hannah.
MADAM: (Incensed.) You insist on rebelling?
HOOPER: I regret that I have but one whoopee cushion to give for
my country.
WILHAMENA: Hooray!
MADAM: You will pay dearly for this.
HOOPER: I’ve never even met Dearly, and I’m sure not going to pay
him anything.
MADAM: What temerity! Answering me with a pun!

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HOOPER: So what is our pun-ishment?
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DOBBS eases around to the wooden chair.

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MADAM: Very well. I am ready to sit in judgment.

HOOPER: Why don’t you sit in the chair instead?
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As she positions herself to sit down, DOBBS sneaks the balloon onto
the chair seat.

MADAM: Mr. Hooper, you will be confined to the Correctional Center

for Comedians for a term of five years. How funny do you find
that?

MADAM sits, bursting the balloon, and leaps up again.

MADAM: Oh!
HOOPER: Madam Magistrate!
DOBBS: I’ve heard some loud ones before, but that one blew you
right out of the chair!

WILHAMENA shakes with laughter.

MADAM: Such low humor!

DOBBS: Yeah, about that high. (Indicates seat level.)
MADAM: I have been assaulted!
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 13

HOOPER: And I’ve been apeppered.

DOBBS: But it doesn’t compare to being paprikaed.
MADAM: No wonder you people were arrested.
DOBBS: We have an arresting sense of humor.
HOOPER: Not to mention our arrested development.
MADAM: In addition to your prison sentences, I’m going to impose a
stiff fine.
DOBBS: That’s what the undertaker got when he dropped the
corpse. A stiff fine.
MADAM: I find your attempts to be funny quite deplorable.
HOOPER: Madam Magistrate, haven’t you ever laughed at
anything?

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WILHAMENA: Didn’t anyone in your family laugh?
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MADAM: Yes, there was laughter once. Long ago. When I still lived
at home. (Grows wistful.) I remember my father’s laugh. His deep

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chuckle, so warm and hearty. How he filled the house with his
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rumble of mirth.
DOBBS: Takes you back, doesn’t it?
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MADAM: Almost makes me sorry I turned him in.
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WILHAMENA: Wouldn’t you like to laugh the way your father did and
enjoy life?
MADAM: Life is not to be enjoyed. Life is to be endured. Frivolity is
counterproductive. The government cannot allow such useless,
irrational behavior.
DOBBS: How about engaging in a little civil disobedience?
MADAM: Never. Still, I will admit, sometimes, not often, hardly ever,
but once in a great while, I feel an odd stirring deep inside, a
trembling in my throat, a tingling at the corners of my mouth. I fight
it. I force it down. But it leaves me wondering what it would be like
to give in. Impulsively. Irresponsibly. To go wild, and cast away all
civilized restraint. . . to let loose and--and grin!
HOOPER: Go for it!
DOBBS: You can do it!
MADAM: No. Because then I remember my duty, the duty of every
citizen, to be serious-minded for the good of the state.
DOBBS: Well, we tried. What more can we do?
HOOPER: Search me.
14 ACCUSED OF COMEDY

DOBBS flings up HOOPER’s arms from behind and rapidly pats him
down.

WILHAMENA: (Laughing.) You tickle me.

DOBBS rushes over and tickles her ribs, making her laugh
hysterically.

MADAM: Cease and desist!

HOOPER: Is it a crime now to tickle ribs?
MADAM: She shouldn’t have to take such a… such a ribbing!

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DOBBS and WILHAMENA stop and stare along with HOOPER, then
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they all laugh at MADAM.

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DOBBS: That was funny!
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MADAM: No, it wasn’t.

WILHAMENA: You made a joke.
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MADAM: No, I didn’t.
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HOOPER: You must have, since we’re all laughing.

DOBBS: And if you made us laugh, you broke the law.
MADAM: I did no such thing. Or if I did, it was completely
unintentional.
HOOPER: Ignorance is no excuse. Though with you it comes close.
DOBBS: We could turn you in!
HOOPER: That’s right. Unless, of course, you turn us out.
MADAM: What do you mean?
HOOPER: Let us go. All of us. Drop the charges.
MADAM: Impossible.
DOBBS: Oh, please, sugar dumpling. Just for me. After all, you don’t
want to get caught with that balloon in your pocket.
MADAM: This is an outrage!
HOOPER: This is where I came in.
DOBBS: (Flirtatious.) I wouldn’t mind doing outrageous things with
you.
MADAM: (Startled, flattered, flustered.) What? Really? With me? I
never.
DOBBS: But you could.
 CARL L. WILLIAMS 15

MADAM: I suppose I have no choice. But to drop the charges, I

mean.
WILHAMENA: Thank you!
MADAM: It’s almost time for me to get off duty anyway. (An
insinuating glance at DOBBS, then starts to exit.)
HOOPER: Was that a hint I heard dropping?
MADAM: (Looks back.) Oh, Mr. Dobbs.
DOBBS: Yes, my little magistrate?
MADAM: (Hesitates.) You tickle me. (Rushes out.)
DOBBS: And a-wayyyy we go! (Does a Jackie Gleason exit in
pursuit.)
HOOPER: And they’re off!

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WILHAMENA: I’m happy for them. For her.
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Offstage, wild laughter erupts from MADAM, then stops.

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HOOPER: What do you mean when you say you’re–– (Pause as

more offstage laughter rises briefly.) ––when you say you’re happy
for her?
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WILHAMENA: I envy her, finding Mr. Dobbs. You see, I’m not
respectable. I have a bad reputation. People on the street point at
me and whisper. They say, “She goes all the way. She laughs.”
How can I ever find love when every time I go out with a man, I
end up laughing in his face? Who would want a girl like me?
HOOPER: Are you kidding? What man wouldn’t love a woman who
laughed at all his jokes?
WILHAMENA: You’re serious?
HOOPER: Me, serious? This time I am. I would love a girl like you.
WILHAMENA: (Embraces him.) Oh, Mr. Hooper! I promise I’ll laugh
at everything you do!
HOOPER: Well… maybe not everything I do. (Pulls back.) Say! Did
you hear the one about the pirate who sailed to the Arctic Ocean?
It got so cold, it shivered his timber! (As WILHAMENA laughs.)
That settles it. If you’ll laugh at that, you’re the girl for me.

They embrace again as MADAM’s laughter rises once more offstage.

THE END
NOTES:
Accused of Comedy
by Carl L. Williams
Type: One Act Play
Genre: Comedy
Duration: 20 minutes
Cast: 2 females, 2 males, 4 total cast

After comedy has been outlawed in society, two bottom-of-the-barrel comics face
trial for committing comedy, along with the young woman who broke the law by
laughing at them. Confronted by a stern lady magistrate, they discover humor is no
laughing matter.

ISBN: 978-1-60003-213-4