2E TYLERPAPER.
COM SundAY, MARCh 7, 2021
PEACEFUL, HAPPY HOME
If you can be
anything, be kind
B
eing in public is one of the most
formidable challenges to face as
a parent or caregiver of children
with special needs or behavior disor-
ders (or both). The stares, the judg-
ment, the comments from strangers,
along with your anxieties and stress,
make a public outing excruciatingly
hard.
Take our situation, for example. We
are grandparents raising grandchildren
with multiple special needs and be-
havior disorders, severe ADHD, and
they’re twins. It’s a perfect storm for
stressful public outings.
I rarely go out in public with them
alone because it’s nearly impossible
to keep them corralled. Being twins
and boys at that, they tend to run off
in different directions for fun. It’s not
fun for this grandma with lifelong joint
degeneration and arthritis in my feet.
Then add in autism, behavior, and
mood disorders, plus severe ADHD,
and you’re going to see me doing my
absolute best to keep them in line. But
I promise it’s like herding cats. Not that
I’ve herded cats before, but it certainly
seems like this is as close as I can imag-
ine.
You can use every parenting strat-
egy, tool, and technique in the book, but
frankly, there are times when nothing
works absolutely. If you see me out in
town with my grandsons, you will rarely
see me alone. My husband and I team up,
or my daughter (the boys’ mom) and I
do, and even we struggle together!
Why do I bring this up? Because the
few times I have been in public alone
with the boys, I felt truly alone. I sensed
the judgment, noticed the stares, and
wanted so badly for someone to smile
at me with that “parent” look. You
know, the one that says, “I feel you,
mama. I’ve been there too.”
Let me tell you about when I was
at a local clinic, not long after we’d
taken on raising our grandsons, and
they were attending behavioral ther-
apy. I started out taking them at the
same time. It was once a week. How
hard could it be? I gravely miscalcu-
lated this tactic.
It was more like driving one
grandma nuts and leaving her in a cry-
ing mess on the floor, up against the
wall, in front of the main entrance. My
anxiety was at its peak, and I’d had
enough.
It was the early days before we
knew their diagnoses and learned how
to apply collaborative parenting tech-
niques to manage their behavior.
Neither boy would listen, they ran
off in separate directions multiple
times, and no matter how hard I tried,
they wouldn’t hold my hand and calmly
walk across the building, out the doors,
across the walkway to the parking ga-
rage to our car.
At that moment, the car seemed a
million miles away through my teary
eyes as I watched people busily walk
past, either glancing in what I saw as
judgment or they didn’t even glance
at all.
I desperately wished I had a com-
panion or friend who could help me
navigate these appointments. And
maybe there was a service available
at the time. I wasn’t aware of it then.
But as I sat there, crying, doing my
best to keep the boys with me while I
was giving up making it to the car, it
was as if I wasn’t there to the passersby.
What I needed most was someone, just
one person, to stop and ask, “Can I help
you?” and I would have gladly said yes.
But no one did.
Now, I make it a point to notice
those parents, the ones that were like
me, frazzled and a mess, trying to cor-
ral kids, bags, carts, and strollers, and
offer my assistance. It doesn’t matter if
they accept or not. The offer is enough.
I scheduled separate appointments for
the boys after that day. Lesson learned!
Then there was the time at a local
grocery store when we were attempt-
ing to take the boys out separately and
alone. We thought maybe if we did that,
it would be easier to navigate errands,
have some bonding time, and help us
all learn to handle public outings much
better. It went well, actually, for a time.
My anxiety prevented me from continu-
ing that practice.
Side note: Because I have the option
to leave the boys at home with my hus-
band or shop and run errands on school
days or weekends when they are at
their parents’, that’s what I choose to do
for now. I know this isn’t the case with
everyone. If you’re that parent, please
ask family and friends for help. Most
of our loved ones want to help. They
don’t always know how. Be specific
about your needs and let them assist
you. You can’t do it alone, nor should
you have to.
When I was out in public with my
autistic grandson, it was always incred-
ibly nerve-wracking. I never knew if
and when he might have a meltdown.
I walked on eggshells the entire time.
Anything could set him off, and there
was and still is, no planning those mo-
ments. You can figure out some triggers,
but they don’t always remain the same.
As it was, we were finishing up
a relatively successful grocery trip.
There were no meltdowns, and my
grandson calmly accepted when he
couldn’t get everything he wanted. He
was happy with his small grocery bag
DAWN-RENEE RICE
Guest Columnist
filled with a few items he’d picked out
from the list for him and his brother.
We made it to the checkout, where
I inwardly sighed in relief. We’d almost
made it out the door without an inci-
dent. Then my grandson saw the color-
ful bath bombs, which he mistook for
candy. He asked for one, and when I
explained they were for bath times, not
candy, he started the beginning stages
of a meltdown.
He tightly crossed his arms,
pooched his bottom lip out, and hung
his head. Then the telltale darting eyes
told me we were heading into level two,
right before an all-out meltdown of epic
proportions. It was going to be the type
of meltdown in which I’d have to phys-
ically carry him out and leave the cart
behind with apologies to the cashier.
I could’ve reacted with anger, frus-
tration, irritation, or any number of neg-
ative ways. Instead, I remembered my
training. Stay calm and don’t add to my
grandson’s chaos with my own. Help
him navigate his mix of emotions—
confusion, desire for something he
can’t have, anger, the frustration of his
own.
He was a five-year-old with a still-de-
veloping brain trying to process the
same emotions I was processing as an
adult, and even I was struggling!
Then, to add to the anxious and ex-
tremely stressful moment, a woman in
line behind me spoke up. “If that were
my kid, I wouldn’t allow him to act that
way.”
I’d heard about this happening from
other special needs parents and care-
givers. I remember being that kind of
person when I was younger, a first-time
parent, and thought parents with unruly
kids in public were terrible parents. Oh,
how karma comes back around.
I had hoped and prayed it never hap-
pened to me. But it did. And I had a
moment to decide how to respond. I
could snap at the woman in line and
tell her off, setting a horrible example
for my grandson on how not to resolve
conflicts. Plus, it would have escalated
into an awful and public confrontation.
Or I could pause and take a moment
to assess the situation and decide if I
should even respond at all.
I decided to respond because I’m
a teacher at heart. This moment was
the perfect setting to help educate the
others around me about compassion
and understanding.
I used my favorite response, which
defuses a tense situation, acknowl-
edges the other person’s feelings with-
out compromising yours, and is a polite
way of saying, “Mind your own busi-
ness.”
I said, “Thank you for letting me
know how you feel.” I could have
stopped there, and sometimes I do. But
I decided to keep going and said, “The
thing is, this is my grandson, he’s autis-
tic, and this is our first successful pub-
lic outing. He’s doing a great job man-
aging his emotions right now compared
to how it used to be.” Then I finished
paying and gathering my things, but not
before noticing the look of shock and
embarrassment on her face.
Embarrassing her was not my goal.
Educating her was my intention, and
letting my grandson know that I’m go-
ing to advocate for him wherever I am.
Plus, I wanted him to hear me praise
him for his great job managing his emo-
tions. But, if she felt embarrassed, that’s
her issue to resolve, and hopefully, she
walked away that day having learned a
lesson in compassion.
He never made it through a full melt-
down because I remained calm and
soothing in my responses with him,
and we’d practiced emotion coaching
for two years at this point.
My point is this: If you can be anything,
please, be kind. You never know what
someone is going through, whether it’s a
parent or a child. For as many diagnosed
children, there are also undiagnosed chil-
dren. Same with adults.
How many of us, as parents and
grandparents, struggle to manage our
emotions? Many of us were either never
taught how to do so or have made it this
far in life undiagnosed with certain con-
ditions or special needs.
Most people are doing their best,
and we need to give them the benefit
of the doubt. Notice those around you,
not with a critical eye, but with love and
compassion. Offer assistance, and be
willing to accept it as well. As the Good
Book says, do unto others as you would
have them do unto you. Wise words
from a wise man.
dawn-Renée Rice is a writer, speaker,
Conscious Connection Parenting Coach,
wife, mother, and grandmother who has
lived in the East Texas area since 1998. She
works with special needs parents and care-
givers and other parents in challenging fam-
ily situations to reduce stress, manage melt-
downs and power struggles, and find more
time for themselves in their busy life. Visit
her online at www.consciousconnected-
family.com to book an introductory session.
FAMILY + LIFE
‘Saddle Up & Read’
Horses help young readers struggling in the pandemic
BY CATHY FREE
Special To The Washington Post
S
tudents across the county
are floundering academi-
cally in the coronavirus
pandemic. Young, low-in-
come students are especially
vulnerable, and in some places,
entire classes of children are
struggling to read.
A woman in North Carolina
has stepped up with a way to
help: horses.
Caitlin Gooch, whose family
runs a horse farm near Raleigh,
N.C., gathers a few of her horses
and ponies about once a month
and brings them to outdoor li-
brary events and book fairs in
parks where she knows children
will be. The children select a free
book to take home, but before
they leave, they can read the
book to a horse.
“Horses and books — it’s
the best incentive ever,” said
Latishia Hodge, a mother of four
who has brought her kids to read
to the horses.
Hodge, who home-schools
her two youngest children, Abel,
9, and Sevyn, 3, said they get es-
pecially excited to read to Man-
Man, the mini horse. Man-Man,
she said, listens patiently while
Abel reads and does not judge as
Sevyn makes up his own story to
go with the pictures.
“It’s an educational adventure
to get outside and read to the
horses after being inside all day,” HALLEIGH GOOCH/ThE WAShInGTOn POST
said Hodge, 38.
Caitlin Gooch at a library reading event that she brought her
Gooch’s Saddle Up and Read
horses to in 2019.
program aims to help children
improve their literacy levels and
develop a love for books. Before
the pandemic, hundreds of stu-
dents came to Gooch’s farm in
Wendell, N.C., to read everything
from Dr. Seuss and Harry Pot-
ter to classics such as “Black
Beauty.”
Once children started learn-
ing at home, Gooch, a self-de-
scribed cowgirl, decided to take
her horses to students in her
area who were struggling with
reading skills during the pan-
demic or needing a break from
tedious online learning.
Gooch, 28, came up with the
idea for her program in 2017
when she was working at a
youth center and noticed that
some of the younger kids had
low literacy skills, she said.
She did some research and
learned that more than half of
children in North Carolina were
struggling with reading profi-
CAITLIN GOOCH/ThE WAShInGTOn POST
ciency in the third grade.
She was also concerned Pictured are two of Caitlin Gooch’s ponies that visit students,
about statistics showing that many of them low-income, at community events. The children
nearly two-thirds of fourth-grad- pick a book to read to the ponies and can then take the book
ers nationwide read below profi- home.
ciency level, she said.
“I saw a need for a new way to keep children motivated. from community donations. She
to get kids excited about read- She felt it was especially im- hopes to open an equestrian cen-
ing,” said Gooch, who has three portant to reach out to children ter with a small library to create
children, ages 1 to 10. of color and encourage them to even more opportunities for kids
Gooch learned to ride at age read books about Black equestri- in North Carolina to develop
3 on an 87-acre horse farm run ans so they could picture them- their reading and riding skills.
by her father, Donal Gooch. The selves in the stories, she said. That would be fine with
horses have made such a differ- “If kids don’t develop good Jazmin Perez’s daughters.
ence in her life that she wanted reading skills, they’re going to be Perez’s oldest daughter used
to bring that experience to other limited in life,” she said. “If I can to have difficulty reading, while
children, especially those who be a role model for even a few the youngest was terrified of
might not otherwise have it. kids, it’s worth it. My goal is to large animals, especially horses,
“I have eight horses, and I get them so excited about read- she said.
thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if ing that they’ll pick up books on Saddle Up and Read helped
I could share them with kids, their own when they go home.” Mariyah, 10, and her sister Na-
since not every child gets a Since she started the pro- taliyah, 7, boost their reading
chance to interact with a horse,’ gram, about 500 children have levels and give them an incen-
“ said Gooch. “My heart told me come to her dad’s barn and se- tive to keep checking books out
that if it involved horses, kids lected a reading companion from of the library, said Perez, 29, a
would want to pick up a book.” a herd of 40 horses, said Gooch. pharmacy technician and single
She contacted the Wendell Now that she’s changed her mom from Zebulon, N.C.
Community Library and offered routine to include short road “After the girls read to Cait-
to start a raffle allowing children trips with her horses, Gooch said lin’s horses, they were then al-
who checked out three or more she’ll probably continue her mo- lowed to ride a horse around the
books to win a chance to come bile program even when most farm,” she said. “For my young-
to her dad’s farm and visit the people have been vaccinated and est who used to be scared of
horses. can return to reading at the farm. horses, this has done wonders
Connie Harr, a manager for “I do like traveling around for her confidence. It helped her
Wake County Libraries, remem- because I’ve been able to reach to get over her fear. And both of
bers when Gooch sauntered kids who don’t have a way to get my girls are now reading more
through the door in her cowboy out to the farm,” she said. “A lot books.”
boots. of them have parents who work Her daughters said they have
“She just radiated positive all day, and they might not have also enjoyed taking time away
energy as she talked about her time to sit down and read books from staring at a computer in-
idea, and how important books together. These are the kids who doors to get a hands-on expe-
and horses had been to her when need the program the most.” rience with a horse or a pony
she was growing up,” she said. She usually has treats on hand in the fresh air at Gooch’s book
“I agreed to give it a try, and it for kids to feed the horses, she fairs.
just took off. Hundreds of kids said, and some children bring “I like feeding them, and I’m
checked out books for a chance apples or carrots of their own more comfortable reading to a
to win.” to give them. horse than a human,” said Mari-
Harr decided to call the pro- “But the real treat is listen- yah.
gram Saddle Up and Read, and ing to them read,” said Gooch. “I like to read books about an-
the name stuck. “They show confidence when imals to [the horses], and I know
The equine-focused reading they’re reading to a horse, be- that they like them because they
incentive was so successful that cause they’re more excited to just chill and stay still and pay at-
Gooch said she soon realized she do it.” tention instead of making noises
needed to expand it and open it The horses seem to like it, and going back and forth,” added
up to everyone. too. Nataliyah.
“I put a post on Facebook “They hear the child reading Their mother has enjoyed
inviting parents to bring their and think, ‘Hey, this is someone snapping photos from the side-
kids and a book and read to my showing me some love,’ “ she lines of them communicating
horses,” she said. “After they’d said. “Horses aren’t judgmental, with the horses.
each read a book, I showed them and they’re not picky about what “To see their sense of ac-
how to brush my favorite horse, book a child chooses. They re- complishment and their smiles
Goat, and taught them about ally enjoy having the attention when they’re reading to the
horse safety.” and companionship.” horses makes me emotional
As the program grew, Gooch Gooch said the funding for sometimes,” said Jazmin Perez.
developed other incentives such her nonprofit, which includes “Reading combined with horses.
as free pony rides and free books buying new books, comes mostly It’s brilliant.”