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How To Poke Fun
How To Poke Fun
How To Poke Fun
Teasing can actually bring couples closer. Poking fun is in fact an indispensable social tool, vital to
all healthy relationships.
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From the outside, teasing seems to be a twisted pleasure: affectionate and sort of insulting all at once. But
Berkeley psychologist Dacher Keltner, Ph.D, declares that poking fun is in fact an indispensable social tool,
vital to all healthy relationships.
"Teasing is a way, when done appropriately, for people to correct others' costly mistakes," says Keltner, who
published his findings in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. "It helps bring people closer."
Yet according to Keltner, who's been studying the tease for over a decade, it is one of the most
misunderstood of social behaviors. Anglo-Americans have a particularly negative view of affectionate
tormenting, focusing almost exclusively on its darker side: bullying, victimization and sexual harassment.
Anglo-Saxon culture can be inhibited, and teasing is a disinhibited behavior, Keltner explains.
By contrast, in Mediterranean, African and Central American societies, which are much less restrained,
teasing is just part of the drama played out in everyday social life.
Indeed, teasing occupies a fine and fleeting line between aggression and play. The aggressive aspect of it
consists of criticism that threatens a person's "face," or desired social identity. But since the driving force
behind teasing is a yearning to maintain harmonious social relationships, teasers engage in redressive
action—they deploy humorous or playful tactics signaling that the criticism should not be taken as a
condemnation. Exaggerated tone of voice, elongated vowels, unusual facial expressions, a little laugh just
before or after the tease—a range of more or less subtle "paralinguistic" markers remind the teasee that
they are loved despite the flaw—and maybe even more for it.
The more satisfied couples are with their relationship, the more playful their signs and signals: coy smiles,
the sticking out of the tongue, laughter, bizarre facial expressions, unusual voice inflection and physical
touching wrapped around the aggressive core of the tease. Both partners feel more positive emotion after
poking fun, says Keltner. Indeed, what is flirtation but a series of teases?
But men and women may respond differently to this form of play: Women tend to get hurt by the pinch, while
their partners become more aroused. "Men always find ambiguous social stimuli more sexually suggestive
than women do," explains Keltner. "What's more, teasing has an affiliative component, which men interpret
as a sign of sexual interest." It may be that men are just more used to teasing, as they tend to tease more
throughout the course of life. At the same time, women seem to have a stronger emotional reaction to
potentially hostile stimuli.
Nonetheless, the sexes cling to the same themes as they taunt, with women focusing on personal habits
and sexual issues—especially their partner's sexual readiness and excessive desire—and men on their
partner's physical characteristics.
Despite its potential for misuse, poking fun in fact oxygenates social life. As it is strategically ambiguous and
based on the assumption that individuals are close enough to tease, it gives relationships breathing room—
especially around potentially troublesome issues—while simultaneously deepening the intimacy of the
relationship. Teasing's side effect—shared laughter—brings loved ones even closer.