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Resource Article Library: © 2020. All Rights Reserved Worldwide
Table of Contents
1. Emotional Intelligence
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Emotional Intelligence (EI) involves understanding your feelings and those of others and using that awareness
to moderate your own behavior and your responses to other’s behavior. When you have a high level of EI,
you are better prepared to reach goals and have healthy relationships. As a leader, you can nurture EI in your
students as you set an example in your own behavior.
EI Skills
Having a healthy level of EI means you will be able to do the following things well:
• Know and manage your feelings.
• Motivate yourself.
• Set goals and stay focused on them, solving problems as you go.
• Persevere and do not give up when faced with difficulties.
• Delay gratification. You can work toward a long-term goal and resist the temptation to give in for
immediate, short-term pleasure. For example, a student who can delay gratification may travel long
distances, study hard, and deal with ridicule from others for several years in order to earn a degree
and have a better life in the future. A student who cannot delay gratification may quit school or neglect
his studies and use drugs and alcohol just to feel good for the moment.
• Recognize the feelings of others as you build relationships with them. You are able to show empathy
toward others. You can relate to what others are feeling and find ways to support them. You are able
to put yourself in the other person’s place. You are able to cooperate with others to work toward a
common goal. This involves teamwork. As you successfully work with others, you are able to
resolve conflict.
• Communicate and listen effectively. You let people know that you understand their feelings. You use “I”
statements when you are expressing your feelings rather than blaming and attacking another person’s
character. For example, you might say, “I felt angry when you rolled your eyes and walked away when
I was talking to you.” You wouldn’t say, “You made me angry. You’re such a rude, selfish person!” You
make requests assertively. For example, you might say, “Please look at me and listen respectfully as I
share my opinion with you.”
Why Is EI Important?
EI affects brain development and helps teens learn better. When teens learn EI skills, they’re better able to pay
attention and remember information. Teens who learn EI skills often have improved academic performance
and attendance and fewer disciplinary issues at school.
EI may help teens to become more responsible and caring citizens. It can also lead to successful work life.
Research shows that EI skills are up to four times more important than intellect or academic knowledge for
being successful at work.
• Build an attitude of friendliness toward emotion. This means you accept and work with whatever feelings
teens have.
• Name emotions to help teens put words to their own and others’ feelings.
• Teach teens how to cope with their emotions by using a positive, problem-solving approach.
• Help teens develop empathy. Ask them to think about how other people feel. For example, “How would
you feel if someone said the comment to you that you just said to your friend?”
• Have conversations about the positive and negative behaviors you observe. This helps teens increase
their interpersonal awareness.
• Provide teens with specific, supportive feedback about their positive and negative interactions with
others. For instance, “While you were talking to your group of friends, you noticed another girl
sitting alone. I saw that you went to sit and talk with her. You did a great job of caring for her.” If an
interaction doesn’t go well, you may want to ask teens to problem-solve with you. What could they have
done differently?
• Ask questions to encourage self-reflection. For example, “How did it feel to talk to the sad girl?” This
helps teens to actively choose to be caring people.
• Become an “emotions coach.” Empathize with teens and consider their outbursts or mistakes as
opportunities to connect with them and supportively teach them EI skills. You do not want to simply
discipline them.
EI skills need to be learned. People are not born with them. Learning EI skills begins with a children’s earliest
relationships with primary caregivers. Teens who have not had healthy bonding experiences with adults early
in life or who have experienced trauma may need additional support to develop EI skills. They will need to
have their own emotional needs met through a caring relationship with an “emotions coach” like you. You
must help them cope with difficult emotions before they can develop empathy for others.
Be a positive role model. Examine your personal attitudes about expressing your own emotions. Talk with
friends about your potential blind spots. At any age, you can learn or enhance your EI skills. Teens learn how
to interact with people by watching you and other adults. They learn more from your actions than your words.
By Carey Sturgeon
Suicide is a difficult topic that we do not talk about often enough. When we do, our thoughts are often shaped
by cultural and personal views rather than biblical truth. Some of your teens may have considered suicide,
and they may struggle with guilt, shame, and grief as a result. Pray that the Lord will use you to speak hope,
comfort, and freedom from the pain caused by suicidal thoughts.
What causes teens to be suicidal? Although mental illness is sometimes a factor in suicidal thoughts, these
thoughts can also come from feelings of desperation. Teens are excellent observers but not necessarily
accurate interpreters. They may be victims of lies simply because they don’t recognize the truth that was
intended to be conveyed.
Often people who are suicidal do not truly want to die—they just want their pain and suffering to end. We may
not be aware of the significance of the pain and trauma teens are experiencing or have experienced, but we
must still respond with respect and compassion. When despair is deep, the teen may become overwhelmed
and unable to see the truth that she is loved and valued by others and God. Many times, the suicidal teen
thinks everyone around her will be better off when she is gone.
You are loved: You are loved deeply and fully. God’s perfect love for you can never change (Romans 8:38, 39).
The people in your life also love you.
You are needed: You have a special purpose in this world. People need you around. They notice when
you’re not.
You are wanted: Not only are you needed, but you are wanted! Maybe people have made you feel the
opposite, but God wants you. The people in this group want you. You are deeply valued.
You are heard: You have a voice. What you say matters. You can talk freely to me and other safe adults when
you need to. You also have friends who care what you have to say.
Your life is worth living: You are loved. You have so much to offer. Your life is important, and it’s very much
worth living.
God gives you hope: God promises that if we truly believe in Jesus Christ, we are guaranteed eternal life
(John 3:16). The Bible also promises that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38, 39).
Suicide hurts others: Suicidal thinking imagines a future in which people are better off without you, or
people are happy you are gone, or the world is more at peace. But when we actually look at families and
friends who have experienced someone close to them committing suicide close, we see years of pain, anger,
depression, and sorrow. Suicide is not the peaceful choice–for you or for the people around you.
When to Act
All of the above signs are serious. If a teen shows any of them, you should take action. It is always better to
act to keep that person safe than be left wondering what might have happened if that person had gotten help.
How to Act
Here are some ways to help if someone talks about suicide.
How to React
The most important thing you can do is listen to gain understanding. Talking gives the person a way to
express his feelings. Listen carefully to what he says. Do not tell him that his feelings are not important or
not real. Pray with and for him.
How to Take Action
Ask if they have an intent and a plan to carry out their suicide—if they have already decided on a means of
suicide as opposed to “only” voicing a wish to die.
If they have an intent and a plan:
• Communicate to the teen that you have to break confidentiality and bring someone else in because
the teen’s safety—and life—takes precedence over confidentiality. Then bring in another trusted leader
and contact the local police for a welfare check. They can determine if the teen needs to be put on
suicide watch.
• Contact their parents immediately.
The burden of carrying unforgiveness reminds us of our pain. It keeps us from living fully when we’re
burdened with a heavy load.
But we can be free—released from anger, pain, bitterness. Forgiveness brings this blessed release
and freedom from the heavy burden of guilt and grief. How can we help teens see that it’s possible to live
this way?
Our teens may struggle with unforgiveness for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they’ve been betrayed by a close
friend. Maybe they’ve been hurt by a family member. Or perhaps something bad has happened to them,
something they haven’t told anyone about. Whatever a teen’s story, you can point them to the freedom and
forgiveness only God can bring.
Unforgiveness affects the way we feel, the way we think, and the things we do. Not forgiving others often
hurts us more than it hurts the person we can’t forgive.
Holding on to anger may prevent teens from getting along with others. Bitterness and resentment may keep
them from enjoying even their favorite things. The pain that comes from not forgiving others may cause them
to look and sound angry all the time. They may lose hope and joy in their lives. When teens hold onto anger
and pain, it can change who they are.
If teens are holding onto anger, you may also notice a sudden change in their friend group. For example,
when arguments happen among teens, one teen may shun another. Friends who used to be inseparable may
suddenly hang out with different friends. Teens can find themselves isolated during this process, or you may
notice a change in a teen’s attendance at youth activities.
Forgiving others can have positive effects in teens. what happened to us was OK. It doesn’t mean that
Forgiveness can: a wrong wasn’t done to us. It also doesn’t mean
• increase happiness that we should allow ourselves to continue to be
harmed. Sometimes we can forgive someone who
• improve physical health
has hurt us deeply, but it is not possible or safe to be
• lower stress and anxiety
in relationship with that person. (As you are advising
• decrease the risk of depression teens, make sure to provide them with sources for
• improve relationships help if they are in a harmful relationship.) But when
we forgive, it sets our hearts free to allow God to
It takes courage to forgive, but forgiveness releases
begin healing us.
our pain and hurt. It allows us to begin replacing the
negative emotions with peace and joy. Because God
forgave us, we can forgive others who have hurt us. Pray that God will expose the dark places of your
When teens ask for God’s help to forgive, He can teens’ hearts that need His healing light. Pray that
heal their hearts. your students will feel the warmth of His love, which
casts out all darkness and fills the empty spaces in
What Teens Need to Hear About Forgiveness our hearts with hope.
If we ask God to forgive us, He will! Teens need
to hear that we’ve all done things that are wrong,
Feature quote text:
but the amazing thing is that God will forgive us!
God wants us to experience the kind of peace only
When we ask for forgiveness by confessing our
He can bring. We can release our hurt and pain to
wrongdoing, God is faithful to forgive us (1 John 1:9).
Him because He wants to heal the hurts that weigh
Because of God’s forgiveness, we become part of
us down.
His family. Through Christ’s sacrifice, we’ve received
the gift of forgiveness, allowing us to become part
of God’s family. Jesus wants to set us free from the By Micah Renck
darkness of sin on earth as well. If we welcome
His light, we can’t hold on to anything dark—even
darkness brought on us by someone else’s sin.
God can help us to forgive others. If pieces of
our hearts are in darkness, if we’re holding on to
pain—God’s big enough to handle it. We can open
the windows of our souls to His light and allow Him
to clear away the darkness of our past hurts. God
created forgiveness. He delights in showing mercy.
Because of this truth, we know that the forgiveness
we can give others doesn’t come from ourselves. It
comes from God. He’s forming our hearts to be like
His heart so we can love and forgive as He does.
Forgiveness for us means releasing a hurt or offense
that has been done to us. It’s like erasing the pain
from the injury or offense. It means letting God
determine the consequences for something wrong
that has been done to us. It’s letting go of anger and
bitterness for the hurt we feel.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we should put ourselves
in dangerous situations. Forgiving doesn’t mean that
It’s important to note that everyone is likely to experience a higher volume of emotions at this time of the
world. Many students are still mourning the loss of events (sports, school dances, family vacations, etc.).
Some may be grieving the loss of a loved one. Their routines and daily lives may be very different from before
the pandemic hit.
It’s important to make sure teens know that no matter what’s going on right now, they are seen, heard, and
valued. Offering a compassionate and listening ear will be a blessing to the teens you serve.
What Is Anger?
The Mayo Clinic defines anger as the body’s response to perceived threats. Anger prepares the body to respond
and protect itself against these threatening factors. For example, an environment that a teen perceives to be
physically threatening, such as an abusive relationship, can trigger anger. Emotionally vulnerable situations
can also trigger anger, such as a teen being cyber-bullied.
However, teens’ perceived threats may or may not be actual threats. Regardless of whether the trigger is
actually a threat, though, teens can respond in anger. Adolescence can be a confusing time, full of changes
and emotions. Many teens cannot identify and verbally express their specific emotions. This can lead to
feelings of anger and frustration. Difficult situations or relationships can also lead to anger.
Anger is a strong feeling, but it’s not the teen’s first feeling when something irritating happens. Anger usually
comes after feeling hurt, frustrated, jealous, or sad—all feelings that are painful to experience. For example,
if a teen feels criticized during a conversation, she may get up and stomp out of the room to show anger.
However, her first feeling was probably frustration or pain. Or, perhaps a teen stops engaging and becomes
withdrawn in a group because he was hurt by something another teen said. While it is impossible to know
every trigger that may cause teens to feel angry, it is possible to help them practice self-awareness and anger
management skills when the need arises.
Think Prevention
Develop consistent routines, structure, and responses for teens so they know what to expect. Prevent
situations that make the teen angry. This can often be done with an environmental change. Here are some
factors to consider with prevention:
Set clear expectations. Set boundaries, expectations, standards of behavior for your teens, even if you think
they are higher than you might even expect teens to meet. Teens will want to rise to the level you set, but
remember to have grace and patience as they learn to meet those expectations.
Consider teens with special needs. Teens with special needs, as well as teens with PTSD or depression, can
respond with rage or anger when they feel confused, frightened, or are simply overstimulated. The rage in
these cases is not based on angry feelings, but is kind of a physical response to a neurological disconnect.
Giving teens a safe, calm space to take breaks from stimulus and process their thoughts can be helpful. They
also need very clear instructions to feel secure. Give specific instructions and get confirmation through eye
contact that teens hear and understand you.
Prepare the teen for disappointments and changes in situations. For example, if you usually allow the teen
to stay online after the digital class to talk with you, tell him when you’ll be busy and have to leave earlier.
Let him know about the change ahead of time. This can help him to be prepared, rather than having surprise
trigger anger. Or, perhaps you have a teen who has difficulty with transitioning from activities. If the activities
will have a different format one week, give them as much notice as you can, and allow several minutes to
transition between activities. This can help the teen to feel secure, rather than feeling frustrated and angry
about the changes.
Assume the best about your teens. It’s important not to assume a teen is acting out in anger or having bad
behavior for no reason. There’s almost always an underlying reason, especially with kids who are under stress
or who have been through trauma.
Teach problem-solving to teens. Encourage them to answer two questions when they’re angry:
• What is the problem?
• What are some solutions to this problem?
In time, teens will learn to identify why they’re angry and what they can do about it.
Change won’t happen immediately. Practice and model these strategies many times. Anger management is
a skill that has to be learned, but practice makes perfect.
Your teens likely have a lot of things they associate with Jesus. If they grew up in church, maybe they
associate Him with cartoon images at story time. Maybe others believe He does not relate to their lives
or struggles. Or perhaps some are more accustomed to hearing His name used in vain. Still others may
question His existence because He didn’t answer their prayers the way they asked Him to.
Whatever your teens have believed about Jesus, here are some things they need to know about Him in order
to grow in faith. Share these things about Jesus with your students as they have questions and as you teach
more about Jesus.
When we have losses in our life, we experience grief. These losses can be death, illness or injury, abuse,
natural disasters, divorce, and even moving to a new home. Grief may also be caused by missed opportunities,
failing health, or financial losses. Teens may be grieving any combination of these things, especially during
COVID-19.
Teens go through stages of grief including denial, bargaining, guilt, fear, anger, isolation, confusion, depression
and sadness, and acceptance. All teens may not go through all of these stages. They may complete the
stages in a different sequence, or they may go through a stage several times. They may take a longer time in
one stage and a shorter time in another. Grief is always extremely personal.
Burst of Grief
Teens often can’t endure long periods of intense sadness because they’re not emotionally mature enough.
Therefore, they experience grief and sadness in bursts that are often unpredictable. For example, a teen
appears fine but suddenly starts sobbing. Such “sad attacks” happen when the person is reminded of the
loss. That reminder can be triggered by someone’s words, something they remember, or even something
they smell. There’s no way to know when this may happen.
However, there are some atypical symptoms. Teens who develop these symptoms may need professional
help. These include:
• eating disorders nightmares
• physical aggression refusal to form new attachments
• anxiety preoccupation with further loss
• constant fear of catastrophe isolation
• withdrawal clinical depression
• total denial of the loss event
Well-meaning adults sometimes make the grieving process more difficult for teens. This can happen when
they try to protect them by not sharing the details of a death or not allowing them to take part in the funeral.
It’s very helpful to share age-appropriate facts about the death, even murder or suicide. This can be difficult,
but it can help the healing process for the teen hearing the information. Teens should take part in death rituals
if they want to, and all their questions should be answered.
What Not to Do
Sometimes adults tell teens to be strong or not to feel so sad. When this happens, teens may learn to
distrust or hide their feelings. They may even be ashamed of them. This can hinder their healing and stunts
their emotional development. It also makes them feel that their pain is unimportant or bad. But in order to
experience healing, they need to share their feelings and know that they are not alone in their hurt. This helps
them begin the long journey of healing.
By Carey Sturgeon
Teens in your ministry may have suffered loss, especially during COVID-19. These losses can include the loss
of family, home, health, friends, safety, and security. Each of these losses is associated with grief. Grief is
the process of learning to cope with the feelings, emotions, behaviors, and physical reactions connected to
the loss.
The Five Stage of Grief model by Kübler-Ross (1969) helps break down the grieving process, but keep in mind
teens grieve differently. These stages can occur in any order, and they can come and go multiple times. Grief
is less like a linear process and more like a roundabout journey that can take a long time to work through.
We’ll use the scenario of 13-year-old Asha whose grandmother (who lived with Asha’s family) died from
COVID-19.
Stage 2: Anger
Asha begins to question her situation. She directs her anger toward her grandmother and the hospital staff.
She considers them responsible for her situation.
She thinks, I hate my grandmother for not fighting harder. I hate the doctors and nurses for not making her
better. I hate them for not helping her get well. I hate my family for not taking her to the hospital sooner.
Asha feels powerless. She has headaches and stomachaches and begins showing aggression by lying, yelling,
and refusing to speak to her parents.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Asha begins to realize that anger has not solved her problems. She realizes that if she talks with parents, her
situation might improve. She thinks, If I talk with my parents, maybe God will bring back my grandmother.
Asha now has a sense of hope, so she tries to behave as well as she can. She stops lying and yelling, and
she starts speaking with her parents.
Stage 4: Depression
The bargaining has not brought her grandmother back from the hospital, so Asha is now feeling despair. She
thinks, Where is my grandmother? I am alone. No one can understand what I’m feeling.
Asha experiences intense feelings of sadness. She appears listless, doesn’t want to talk with her friends, and
is often found on her bed crying.
Stage 5: Acceptance
In the acceptance stage, the reality is now obvious. Asha thinks, The situation is not going to change. My
grandmother is not coming home. But I am not alone. I still have my family and friends who care about me.
Asha’s behavior improves, and her emotions stabilize. This is the beginning of her healing.
By Janette Pepall