So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much,

and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted.

To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I'm posting it here.
[Rated NC-17 for language.]
Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for
real. Except this big dumb idiot.
And it's not like an ~ironic~ thing,
I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I
seriously fucking hate them.
THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)
They are the world's largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since
they have very little girth,
that just makes them these absolutely
giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing
dishes one day and shrugged
his shoulders at because no one could
have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A
WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT
(10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.
They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move.
They have little control other
than some minor wiggling. Some say
they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use
their back fin EXCEPT GUESS
WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW.
It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this
piece of floating garbage just
doesn't put them where they need to fucking go.
So they don't have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to
make sure it doesn't just sink to
the bottom of the ocean when they
stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to
begin with. Can never stop its
continuous tour of idiocy
across the ocean or it'll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top
of the water! Which happens frequently!
Because without the whole swim bladder thing,
if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE
PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no
creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder
more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated
that when they do that, they are
absorbing energy from the sun because no one
fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need
the sun I guess. But good news, when
they end up stuck like that, it gives birds
a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites
out of its skin because it's basically
a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.
"If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators." No. No. The most
dangerous thing about them is, as you may
have guessed, their stupidity. They have
caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human.
And in 2005 it decided to relive its
mighty glory days and do it again, this time
landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go,
fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat
something that has no brain and a possibility
of drifting into their mouths I guess.
Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so
stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of
the almost no nutritional value stuff to
stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my
favorite picture of one, and I have had
it saved to my phone for three years)
"Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!" Do not let that expression
fool you, they just don't have the goddamn
ability to close their mouths because
their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with
such a clueless expression on its face,
because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food
source, but instead (which has lead us
to said photo) will usually just
maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins
like frisbees. Probably the most useful
thing to ever come from them.
"Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has
abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're
so bad at literally everything,
why haven't they gone extinct." Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO
UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING
THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S
DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF
BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER
CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO?
IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and
stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY
300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000.
IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE,
THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE
300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs)
LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution,
the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one,
I will throw rocks at it.