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01x03 - Grandparents Day
01x03 - Grandparents Day
01x03 - Grandparents Day
If Elway had had any of the receivers like a Jerry Rice, we'd have five
super bowls. We would.
(Beep)
A big double shot for you-- keep you up all day. -60%
Yay, coffee. Okay, daddy, I'm gonna have this today and two
marshmallow peeps, and that's all, if I'm good.
Hey.
Morning.
Why not?
Well, at work we've got a new Chipmunk Oscillator coming in, with a new Canuter Valve-- no, no, no.
If you don't want to go, just say you don't want to go.
You're going.
This is stupid.
(Indistinct conversations)
No.
Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, for Kristin and Boyd, come on.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I don't even know what that is.
Well, sure.
Old broads like us can't sit for long periods without our back pillows.
Aah.
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be wearing pants with an elastic waist, but...
I care.
"Milk made from soy beans." How do you get milk from a bean?
Well, it's small farms, very little stools, and good eyesight. (Laughs)
That is hilarious.
Oh, whoops.
Oh. Oh, this might look unconventional to you, but we want to make sure that none of mother earth's resources are
wasted.
Somebody's wasted.
Okay, friends.
Ohh.
(Child cries)
(Children crying)
(Groans)
(Groans)
That's comfortable.
Okay, friends. Why don't we teach our guests the happy happy welcome song, huh?
Okay.
♪ We're... happy ♪
♪ we're clappy ♪
(Moans)
Oh, okay. Why don't we dig down deep and try to find that feeling, Doug?
(Men laughing)
He did.
What?
Doug made the choice to be a princess today, and we validate that choice.
That's stupid.
(Chuckles)
For everybody.
Don't you know that words can hurt just as much as weapons?
Can they? Let's step outside. You shout a few words at me.
Okay.
Uh, Mr. Baxter, I'm gonna have to ask you and your energy to leave.
Thank you.
(Man on TV) Here along Tanzania's Grumeti River, the feeding ritual of a bloat of hippopotami takes place.
Known to fight over territory, two females spy the same patch of grass, and a lively battle ensues. (Growling)
Usually, the challenging hippo will stop fighting when it is clear that the other hippo is stronger...
Dad! Uhh!
What's happening?
I did not!
Dad, would you please settle this and smell her head?
Go upstairs. Do it quietly!
(Groans)
Dad?!
Congratulations.
(Laughs)
(Chuckles)
That's terrible.
Okay, I need you to get on the phone and beg them to take Boyd back.
(Scoffs) Can't.
Why not?
He's the only 2-year-old I know that can do a good arm fart.
When? Tomorrow?
Dad.
Well, for the next couple days, I can take him to work with me.
Fine. (Sighs)
I'm desperate, and I don't see any wolves available to watch him, so I guess you're the next best thing.
Ugh!
Hey, I want to apologize for my very justified behavior at that communist preschool of Boyd's.
Can you believe that old bat thought I was her age?
I'm--I'm way too young to have an adult daughter, never mind a grandson.
Yeah, yeah, and the one day I wear comfortable pants, I get called out as an old lady?
25.
Oh, be serious.
35.
Hey, mom...
I wouldn't.
Oh. Great. Are you looking for something for your daughter?
Nope.
Granddaughter?
Nope.
Great-granddaughter?
Hey, Mike.
Yeah.
I got him kicked out of a preschool, which I can't say without smiling.
(Laughs)
That is awesome.
We need people working. Instead, you've got-- you got Kyle in there, bouncing around with Boyd.
You know, I can see why you're not close to your children.
That... is cute.
That's pants.
Oh.
(Chuckles)
Uh...
Okay.
Mom?
Mandy!
I--just--I'm shopping.
The architect.
Uh, no, uh, Neal from edged weapons took him to pet the animal heads.
I've seen bears drop smaller loads than this little bombardier.
(Thud)
Got curly wolf here, forging for pork rinds for the boy.
Come on!
(Sighs)
(Thud)
(Grunts) I once had a-a buckshot supplier, a real jack-wang, who demanded that I apologize for something I did not do.
All right.
All right.
I apologized, and it was hard, but it was the right thing to do, and at the end of the day, I felt very good about it.
Uh, mom?
Yeah, but what I love most about you is, you just don't care how you look.
(Hums)
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
Plus I noticed somebody pounded down a brick of baker's chocolate back there.
(Sighs)
If you're so okay with getting older, why don't you let Boyd call you grandpa?
What?
Where?
New York.
I was just-- I was so vibrant-- no, no, no, no, no. You were sleep-deprived. You were crazy.
We all cared.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, but she smells like lavender and--and all things pretty!
(Doors slam)
Listen, for whatever it's worth, I think you're beautiful, and I think you're getting more beautiful every single day, and
there's no one I would rather walk with towards the sweet release of death than you.
Mm.
Mm.
(Sniffs)
What...
Nothing.
Listen, I want to apologize for my behavior the other day-- everything I said, everything I did, everything I am.
Mm-hmm.
So we're good.
We got to un-teach him all the stuff that grandpa taught him.
Okay.
Wait. You say this school's all about acceptance, but you're being kind of judge-y about my dad.
In fact, I would rather that he spend every day at work with my dad!
Hey.
Hi.
Well, if it isn't the most beautiful, sexy, youthful wife that I know.
Me?
Yeah.
What?
Then maybe we'll go dancing, and I mean till dawn. Let's par-tay.
Wow. (Chuckles)
Doesn't it?
It does. It does.
Huh?
Or...
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