The Cold Shoulder

Author’s experience

A good friend of mine recently did an about-face.

The story of Jerry and the Dr. Parrot.

Have you ever had this experience? If so, you know the feeling of betrayal. You know what it’s
like to have a warm and friendly person suddenly become almost icy cold. You know the Cold
Shoulder.

Cold shoulder relationship comes in two forms. As with Jerry, they can appear suddenly. Like a
door, banging shut against a silent room, Cold Shoulder relationship can surprise us with a quick
close. From out of nowhere, it seems, the person decides to treat us differently. And we
experience the pain of having our trust torn in two.

Another kind of cold shoulder relationship is found in what I call the steady Cold Shoulder.
These are the people have seemingly always been cold and unapproachable. These people keep
the whole world at arm’s length.

The story of Tim.

Cold Shoulders – whether they are steady or sudden – bring a frosty chill to your system. We
often can do little to change Cold Shoulders, but we can do plenty to keep from getting frost-
bite from these high-maintenance relationship.

THE ANATOMY OF A COLD SHOULDER

Impersonal

Indifferent

Exclusive

Enigmatic

Silent

Emotionless

Unresponsive

Rejecting
DO YOU KNOW A COLD SHOULDER?

Self Test

Answer as I read

UNDERSTANDING THE COLD SHOULDERS

The mood/behavior/attitude of patients suffering from extensive physical burns.

Cold shoulders in many respect are like these burn patients. For a number of reasons, they have
withdrawn socially and are saying, “Don’t touch me!”. It is a rather paradoxical maneuver
because Cold Shoulders often push people away at the very times when they most need their
comfort and support.

The Old Testament prophet Jonah may have been a Cold Shoulder, disengaging and avoiding
contact even with God.

French Novelist Albert Camus said, “The more I accuse myself, the more I have a right to judge
you.” Underlying their rejecting behavior is a sense of self-pity and even shame.

On the surface, Cold shoulders may appear content, but that calm exterior is very deceptive.
Underneath the façade of contentment often lie many wounds. Rather than risk that you may
wound them, Cold shoulders disengage from the relationship.

The same dynamic maybe going on in steady Cold Shoulders; except for them, everyone is
potentially threatening. As a result steady Cold shoulder keep everyone at arm’s length. Deep
down, steady cold shoulders don’t want to be they way there are, but they can’t help
themselves because they have never learned how to communicate and express their feelings.
They learn to be consistently disengaging, they often manipulate and intimidate others.

The distance serves not only to protect them from personal injury but also to give them power.
Cold shoulders see vulnerability as a weakness. They may fell the same emotions that other
people feel but if they were to share those feelings, they believe they would lose their power
over other people.

COPING WITH THE COLD SHOULDER

Face the Cold Shoulder Within

Explore Changes

Try a Heart to Heart Talk

Count the Cost and Grieve the Loss

Don’t Mistake the Freeze-Out for Rejection

Talk with a Mutual Friend you respect

Stay out of Deep Freeze

Learn from the pain