SCIENCE Why Kiwi science is broken

SHAKE-UP & the radical plan to fix it

MARCH 26-APRIL 1 2022

Common
treatments
that may be
doing you
more harm
than good

NOELLE McCARTHY FOOD ALLERGIES RICKY GERVAIS

Her fiery, funny, boozy and The latest advice on how to Is he the messiah or just
biting new memoir combat dietary intolerances a very naughty boy?
 CONTENTS ISSN 2381-9553: Vol 279, No. 4239. March 26-April 1, 2022

Te Kaiwhakarongo Aotearoa
COVER IMAGE: GETTY IMAGES/LISTENER ILLUSTRATION

FEATURES
COVER STORY
16 | What’s up, doc?
Modern medicine is out of control, argue
the authors of a new book. It’s time, they
say, for patients to start asking some
tougher questions. by Nicky Pellegrino
24 | An inexact science
Science in NZ is about to undergo its biggest
shake-up in 30 years. But will reform ease
the tension between public demands and
commercial returns? by Paul Gorman
30 | Mammy dearest
Writer and broadcaster Noelle McCarthy’s
memoir is the story of a mother-daughter
relationship that is biting – literally – fiery,
funny, toxic, boozy and ultimately redemptive.
by Michele Hewitson
34 | The second coming
He may be a very naughty boy, but British
comedian Ricky Gervais may also be
the messiah, writes Stan Stewart.
LIFE
36 | Health Exposing children to allergenic
food at a very early age may help them avoid
developing dietary intolerances that can
be a lifetime scourge. by Nicky Pellegrino
38 | Nutrition Sharing those
supersized cafe meals or taking
surplus food home will help avoid food
waste – but make sure you store any
leftovers safely. by Jennifer Bowden
40 | Food KATERINA NITSOU explores
the flavours of Balkan cuisine, a
unique culinary tradition combining
Ottoman and Western influences.
42 | Wine New Zealand chardonnays
can command lofty prices, but there
are also many fine offerings that won’t
break the bank. by Michael Cooper
GETTY IMAGES
45 | Psychology Positive thinking
and self-affirmations are good strategies
at times, but striving for happiness is
a doomed enterprise. by Marc Wilson
46 | Science DNA techniques have
made the story of humanity more
complex and interesting. by Bob Brockie
BOOKS
48 | Swimming upstream Acclaimed
author Lloyd Jones explores ideas
of alienation, othering and familial
shame in his latest novel. by Sue Orr
50-55 | Books Novels by Emily
Edwards, Charmaine Wilkerson and
Edmund White; a chilling Auschwitz
memoir; a true-life mystery by Tom
Patterson; Fiona Kidman’s Books
of My Life; three new local poetry
collections; and poem Near Doctor’s
Point, by Vincent O’Sullivan

COMMENTARY 112 | Elsewhere Graham Reid ENTERTAINMENT

3 | Upfront 114 | Politics Jane Clifton 60 | Television Russell Baillie
4 | Letters Plus Caption Competition, 94
9 | The Good Life 62 | Film Russell Baillie
6
Quips & Quotes and 10 Quick Questions   Greg Dixon 64 | Film Reviews Sarah Watt
6
8 | Bulletin Jonathan Kronstadt 65 | Music Graham Reid
6
9 | Diary Charlotte Grimshaw DIVERSIONS 66 | TV picks
10 | Life Bill Ralston 56-59 | Diversions
5 71-91 | TV programmes
11 | Reality Check Stephen Davis p50   & Puzzles p52 92-93 | Radio programmes

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Chief Subeditor FRANCES GRANT
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Television Editor FIONA RAE
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2 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

UPFRONT

‘I cry out my sadness’

Ann Palmer relays the experiences and emotions of her friend Sofia
in Russia, caught on the wrong side of a war she doesn’t support.

Y
esterday, I heard the dentist’s voice above government. Many people are buying tonnes of stuff, so shops
my head. He was working on my teeth have limits, like only 10kg of sugar for one person. I’ve bought
in a small town in New Zealand while two bags of dog food and 5kg of sugar! What more can I do?
talking to his assistant about Ukraine “We are all in uncertainty. I am coming closer to understand-
and Russia, based on what he had learnt ing all sides of this situation: a tyrant on the throne, dissenting
from the internet the previous night. friends, Western countries that accuse us, and Russians who are
For 12 years, while I was living in in agreement with the invasion.
Russia, I heard local friends' voices
recounting their daily pleasures and grumbles. Sometimes they
talked above my head about things I was too ignorant or naive to
understand.
Today, I hear their voices from half a world away. “How are
you?” I ask them. “How
‘E verybody who can find a way to go abroad is leav-
ing. A high fence is growing rapidly around Russia.
There is a new law: censorship of information about
military news. Posts on social sites that criticise the invasion
will be classified as fake –
do you see the Russian from the Kremlin’s point of
invasion of Ukraine?” view – and punished with
They reply with anxiety, imprisonment of up to 15
fear and impotence, and a
stoic shouldering of fate.
Here’s one of the voices. “I feel helpless
Dark-eyed, lovely Sofia.
She borrowed my long blue
responsibility.
evening dress to dance a This is my
polka at one of my parties. country,
The men couldn’t keep
their eyes off her. Daughter
my people,
of an eccentric father and my tyrant
an astute mother, who
navigated the shark-infested
‘president’.”
waters of city commerce, Dissenting voice:
Sofia worked for some Marina Ovsyannikova, years. Calls for peace are
an editor at Russian
years in the government state broadcaster also classified as a crime.
in St Petersburg. She Channel One, holds “Russian media is talking
witnessed the stubborn up an anti-war sign. about Ukrainian Nazis
inertia of bureaucrats and came up with the term
seated behind piles ‘denazification’ for the
of documents in stagnant silence. invasion. Mostly, though, they’re talking about ‘cowards’ and
“I’m very sad about this, and about any war. I feel powerless to surrender by Ukrainian soldiers. Nobody has contact with their
change anything. I feel like a hostage – a person in the hands of relatives in the Russian army or any information about them.
terrorists,” she told me. “For the past 10 years, things have been “I have a friend whose son is 18, finishing school this year,
rolling towards dictatorship. Now it has come out clearly. I feel and she’s in a terrible panic. He can be conscripted to the army,
helpless responsibility. This is my country, my people, my tyrant despite the declaration that there are no conscripts in Ukraine,
“president”. I share the horror of being part of a country that only the professional army. Nobody believes government decla-
started an unfair blitzkrieg. rations now.
“People are shocked. We go to electronics supermarkets to buy “I feel anxiety about the future and deep pessimism. I stayed
fridges, TVs and computers, because the prices are in US dollars comfortable for many years and turned my face away from a
and will increase fast. I’ve been planning since November to buy a dreadful process in my country of marching towards totalitarian-
GETTY IMAGES

new laptop, but I meant to save up more money. Yesterday, I took ism. Now it is here.
my wallet and spent all my savings on the laptop. “I’m glad I can work through my emotions by praying to merci-
“Food is divided into ‘socially important’ and ‘other’ by the ful God. I cry out my sadness.” l

SUBMISSIONS for Upfront should be approximately 600 words long and should be sent to listener@aremedia.co.nz. Full contact details must be provided.

26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER 3

LETTERS
Children need
a champion
I’d like to applaud former
Children’s Commissioner Dr
Russell Wills on his article “Did
we offend the wrong people?”
(March 12), which clearly out-
lined issues with the Oversight
of Oranga Tamariki System
and Children and Young
People’s Commission Bill. Like
Dr Wills and most others in
the children’s sector, we are
incredibly concerned about
the proposed legislation – both
the consultation process and
its implications for our most
vulnerable children.
Given that a key objective is
to “‘strengthen advocacy for
children’s and young people’s
issues”, it is perplexing that
children and young people
have not been consulted to
determine how best the system
could be designed to promote
their rights and interests.
The overhaul is also ill-timed,
given that the Royal Commis-
sion of Inquiry into Abuse
in Care has not completed its
investigation.
We believe what’s proposed
is overly complex for children
to navigate and there is a real
risk that complaints made
by very vulnerable families,
tamariki and rangatahi may
fall through the cracks.
The proposed governing
board is unlikely to achieve
the same impact in terms of
public advocacy without the
mana and status of a Children’s
Commissioner. Having a
single, independent voice to
provide children with a clear
“champion” is important.
The bill should be paused to
allow for proper consultation.
Laura Bond
(Executive director, Child Poverty
Action Group)
4 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
DEMENTIA
Your review (“State of Mind”,
March 12) of the current
management and prevention of
Alzheimer’s disease misses out
one aspect, not unreasonably
so, since it’s effectively
unavailable for this disease:
euthanasia, aka physician-
assisted suicide.
But it should be. Former MP
Maryan Street, who promoted
an earlier, but unsuccessful,
iteration of a euthanasia bill,
said she had in mind “that
prominent fear of Alzheimer’s
– people’s fear of ending their
days with a lack of dignity, and
not even knowing”.
It would need the acceptance
of an advance directive to make
the End of Life Choices Act
applicable to the dementias.
As the law is written, with
requirements for informed
consent no more than six
months ahead of anticipated
death, typical Alzheimer’s
realistically cannot make the cut.
Addressing risk factors –
blood pressure, smoking, diet,
etc – is pretty much tinkering
at the edges.
Angela Caughey is right to
point to the pre-eminent role of
“luck with genes”.
Until an effective preventive
treatment comes along, eutha-
nasia ought to be an option.
RJM Gardner
(Dunedin)
As a person of some age (82),
I was delighted to see the
important topic of dementia
in the latest Listener.
I looked forward to coming
in from the garden and sitting
back to read it in the afternoon.
Unfortunately, I forgot
where I put it down, and it has
not been found to this day.
Robert Upward
(Māori Hill, Dunedin)
LETTER OF THE WEEK
ENTRENCHED BIAS
It’s not surprising that people
who colonised others, taking
their land and resources, would
now show unconscious bias
against those they oppressed
(“Facing up to bias”, March 19).
Central to the problem is our
language and ways of thinking.
When Europeans began to
claim dominion over other
people’s lands, they were begin-
ning to think of themselves as
advanced, civilised Christians.
Language and ways of talking
reinforced those beliefs and
enabled individuals to live com-
fortably with colonisation.
Studies of New Zealand
speakers and writers show
that oppressive, colonising
talk is commonly used here by
politicians, judges, teachers,
bureaucrats and journalists. The
bias in New Zealand race talk is
conveyed as “common sense”.
Those processes need to be
disrupted by effective training
about unconscious bias and Te
Tiriti, changes in policies and
practices and constitutional
changes.
Bob Marley was spot on
when he said we need to know
our history. We will not be
able to tackle bias until we
acknowledge it was built into
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our society to serve the needs
of colonisers and settlers.
Raymond Nairn
(Mt Roskill, Auckland)
MULTITASKING JOURNOS
Andrew Anthony’s excellent
“Battle of the BBC” (March
19) states, “Nearly all the
corporation’s journalists now
work across TV, radio and
digital.” This is not new.
When I worked as a producer
for the BBC in the 1970s, for
every story they covered,
journalists and overseas
correspondents were required
to file a “piece to cam” (a voice
report in front of the TV
cameras), a voice report for
radio, a written story for the
hourly bulletins, and be ready to
front for an interview on any of
the current affairs programmes.
This was also the case here
until the 1970s, when the NZBC
was split into three organisa-
tions with two separate news
services. This was wasteful
duplication; a single news
entity should have been created
to serve both radio and TV.
Instead, we have the likes of
two political editors and two
armies of journalists all racing
for the same story in the name
of public broadcasting. Not
to mention the duplication of
management structures.
Instead of simply setting up
a model of TV, National Radio
and Concert in the new “Public
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 So this is
Ukraine?

Close, Prime
Minister, you
got the rain
part right.

Caption
WINNING CAPTION Taika Waititi and Jared Leto at the 27th Annual Critics competition
Choice Awards in Los Angeles. THIS WEEK’S PICTURE
Conal Atkins, Nelson

FINALISTS
Adrian Schrinner (thinking): “How
embarrassing. I didn’t realise this
was a black-mask event.” – Niels Jonker,
Wellington
Morrison: “So, what you are trying to
tell me is that it was a lot of rain that
caused the Brisbane River to flood?”
– Malcolm Belton, Thames
Morrison: “So, if we burn more coal,
we get more water. And that’s a good
thing, right?” – Joe Lee, Palmerston North
Morrison: “So that’s where Brisbane

GETTY IMAGES
Scott Morrison: “Just throw a six to Morrison: “I always try to look at is – I always wondered.” – Paul Drury,
start.” – David Scott, Gisborne problems through a progressive lens.” Nelson
– Marie Curran, Dunedin

Media Entity”, a fourth com-
ponent should be established
– one, first-class, integrated
news service to contribute to
all three.
Sue Barnett
Former BBC & RNZ News producer
(Mt Victoria, Wellington)
REMARKABLE SINOPHILE
I read Bob Brockie’s article
on Joseph Needham (Science,
March 12) with a great deal
of interest. Joseph was my
mother’s first cousin.
I grew up in England during
the 1940s and 50s, but despite the
close relationship, Joseph’s name
was never mentioned in our
household. Was it his Marxist
views or his extramarital rela-
tionship which were frowned on
by my conservative parents?
How sad that I never got to
meet him. I visited the Need-
ham Institute in Cambridge
three years ago and became
even more amazed at what this
remarkable man achieved.
He was also a leading light in
Morris dancing.
Mike Jarman
(One Tree Hill, Auckland)
BUFFER STATES
It’s unlikely that peace is
imminent in Ukraine as Russia
re-establishes its dominance
there. It seems this will require
a serious backdown by the
West – perhaps the ending of
Nato influence in countries
bordering Russia, with a
guarantee of their political
neutrality as buffer states.
I was in Estonia in 2014
when there was much
discussion on whether they
should join the EU/Nato.
Locals, mostly students
working in tourism during
their vacations, told us of their
fears that becoming a Nato
member could jeopardise their
relatively short independence.
It seems their insight was
more than a little prescient.
Murray Eggers
(Paraparaumu)
Rosetta Allan (Upfront, March
19) quotes Helen Clark as saying
Ukraine is the meat in the
sandwich. And it seems Clark
believes Putin has changed for
the worse.
But that is naive. He has
always yearned to restore that money spent on dietary
the vanished glory days of supplements would be better
the Soviet Union’s European spent on improving the
Empire. Putin was responsible quality of the user’s diet.
20 years ago for the second In my experience, those
phase of the violent crushing of taking supplements are often
Chechnya so it would remain a very well informed on dietary
puppet state of Russia. Ukraine matters and tend to seek out
is set to be no different. high-quality foodstuffs.
Being in the EU is certainly Very few nutritional
no guarantee of security and deficiencies are tested
that would be probably seen as for routinely by GPs or
a threat by Putin, too. While specialists, apart from
the paranoid Pocket Stalin iron and calcium. The
lives, no democratic state time devoted to such work
bordering Russia that is not in medical training is
in Nato can feel even a modest minuscule compared with
sense of safety. many other countries.
David Townsend Until this area is given
(Miramar, Wellington) formal recognition, there
will continue to be a lack of
DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS medical diagnosis of need.
Jennifer Bowden (“Pill Carolyn Sutherland
Overkill”, March 12) contends (Dinsdale, Hamilton)
Caption Competition {listenercaption@aremedia.co.nz}
TO ENTER Send your captions for the photo above to listenercaption@aremedia.
co.nz, with “Caption Competition No 453” in the subject line.
Alternatively, entries can be posted to “Caption Competition
No 453”, NZ Listener, PO Box 52122, Kingsland, Auckland 1352.
Entries must be received by noon, Tuesday, March 29.
THE PRIZE An exploration of the amazing world of surface
science from Laurie Winkless, author of Science and the City.

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER 5

LETTERS
Quips&
Quotes
“If gas prices keep going
up, the next Fast & Furious
movie is gonna take place
on public transportation.”
– Trevor Noah
“Jane … you are a
visionary whose trail
blazed through the last
30 years of cinema with
stories about the silenced,
the under-represented
and the misunderstood.”
– Producer Tanya
Seghatchian on Jane
Campion at the 2022 Baftas
“I deserve a treat when
I have a bad week, but
I also deserve a treat
when I have a good
week. I simply always
deserve treats.” – Seen on
Twitter
“By working faithfully
eight hours a day you may
eventually get to be boss
and work 12 hours a day.”
– Robert Frost
“Never in the field of
human conflict was so
much owed by so many to
so few.” – Winston Churchill
“Guy on Jeopardy! was just
introduced as a ‘stay at
home uncle’.” – Twitter
“Most of the Ukrainian
refugees are women and
children who are so brave.
And I mean actually brave
not #brave, like when a
hot mom posts a picture
of herself in a bikini.”
– Samantha Bee
“Knowledge is an
unending adventure at
the edge of uncertainty.”
– Jacob Bronowski
“If you’re lucky, and not
a lot of actors are these
days, you get the chance
to create a character.”
– William Hurt
6 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
Quick
10 Questions
1. What is the name of Quint’s
shark-hunting boat in the
movie Jaws?
❑ Barracuda
❑ Ghost
❑ Copperfin
❑ Orca
2. Which of these best
describes the kind of
ecological zone called taiga?
❑ Boreal forest
❑ Freshwater swamp
❑ Arctic tundra
❑ Tropical rainforest
3. What is the main role of male
honey bees, called drones?
❑ Mate with queen
❑ Gather nectar and pollen
4. True or false? Pounamu (or
greenstone) is sourced only
from the South Island.
❑ True
❑ False
11th Question
11 How do you wash the
exterior of a plaster
home?
❑ Water blast it
❑ Sweep the sides with
a broom
❑ Salt water and a
sponge
❑ Warm water and a
soft brush
Answer on page 58.
IDENTITY ERASED
I enjoyed reading the
personal highlights recalled
by Ian Sinclair on his work
with Sunday, the excellent
investigative programme
(“Sunday Drive”, March 12). I
hope the programme continues
and thrives. However,
interviewing Mohamed Diab, a
survivor of an atrocity carried
out by Kiwi soldiers on his
village after World War I had
by GABE ATKINSON
5. Former UK prime minister
Robert Peel is often regarded
as the founder of modern
British … what?
❑ Football competitions
❑ Policing
❑ Schooling
❑ Town planning
6. Which actor received dual
nominations at the 1994
Oscars for her performances in
The Remains of the Day and In
the Name of the Father?
❑ Maggie Smith
❑ Emma Thompson
❑ Vanessa Redgrave
❑ Judi Dench
7. Which musical includes the
show tune Getting to Know
You?
❑ The King and I
❑ Jesus Christ Superstar
❑ West Side Story
❑ The Phantom of the Opera
ended, Sinclair wrote: “Arabs
remember it as the massacre of
Surafend.” Use of the generic
“Arab” erased the Palestinian
identity of Diab and his people.
A century later, the
significance of that Palestinian
identity has endured, fortified
by subsequent events and
the purposeful attempts to
expunge it.
Janfrie Wakim
(Epsom, Auckland)
THINK BIG
Sir Colin Maiden is correct
(Letters, March 12) that the
government paid Fletcher
Challenge to take the Synfuel
plant off its hands and that
Fletchers then on-sold it to
Methanex for a significant
profit, but fails to note the
government retained the
debt, some $7 billion in today’s
terms.
He incorrectly states that
Methanex has paid taxes and
royalties for the entire time of
its operation. In fact, what little
royalties are due (New Zealand
8. Which popular South African
dish consists of curried minced
meat with an egg-based
topping?
❑ Biltong
❑ Boerewors
❑ Bobotie
❑ Bunny chow
9. In which decade was New
Zealand’s legal minimum age
for buying alcohol lowered
from 20 to 18?
❑ 1960s
❑ 1970s
❑ 1980s
❑ 1990s
10. Where would you find the
Manfeild motor-sports circuit
– a frequent host of the New
Zealand Grand Prix?
❑ Pukekohe
❑ Taupō
❑ Feilding Answers on
page 58.
❑ Cromwell
having one of the most gener-
ous schemes in the world) are
paid by the gas supplier.
The company has minimised
tax in the time-honoured way
of multinational companies by
shifting its profits to offshore
tax havens.
It consumes 45% of our total
gas production, for which it
pays about a third the normal
wholesale price.
As a “trade exposed” com-
pany, it receives free carbon
certificates covering 90% of
its emissions, a substantial
amount since it is one of New
Zealand’s top three emitters.
MBIE has over-allocated emis-
sion units to Methanex, which
it is free to sell, amounting to a
direct subsidy.
Indirectly, we all subsidise
Methanex via our gas and
electricity bills. Gas is a scarce
strategic resource that has
been largely dominated by a
single company for little ben-
efit to New Zealanders.
Alan Thatcher
(Taranaki Energy Watch)
 ADVERTISING PROMOTION

Funny You Should Ask

The QI elves are a team of writers and comedians who find the answers to
impossible questions, doing the research for the long-running QI TV series,
podcasts and spin-off books. For the next little while, we’ll be running some
of their finest findings: the weird, wonderful, witty and wise, from their latest
book, Funny You Should Ask … Again.

Why are so few nuts actually rhubarb is, in fact, a vegetable.

nuts?
Scientifically, the word “nut” is defined
as a dry fruit that contains a seed but
doesn’t split open when it reaches
Botanists must get very frustrated
when shopping in a supermarket:
broccoli is in the vegetables aisle
but it is also a flower, and a banana is
actually a herb, although it is stocked

Maintain
maturity. However, humans were eating with the fruits. Peanuts are technically
nuts long before scientists came up legumes (edible seeds that grow in

with that definition; in fact, we probably
started consuming them before we were
even human. Today, most of us would
simply define a nut as a small tasty snack
that is delicious when salted or roasted.
Of the things usually called “nuts”,
hazelnuts and chestnuts fit the above
definition, so technically speaking they
are true nuts. However, cashews, almonds
and pistachios are actually drupes – a
fleshy fruit containing a single seed.
There is a similar muddle over the
definition of a fruit. Technically, a fruit
is the part of a plant that is fleshy and
contains a seed, so despite usually being
thought of as vegetables, pumpkins,
cucumbers, tomatoes, avocados and
okra are all actually fruits. However,
Allan Martin (March 5) bemoans the fact
that no voices have been raised about
the shutting down of the Marsden Point
refinery.
He’s clearly missed the petition I
started that was presented to Parliament
with 18,300 signatures in December. It
languished in the hands of Parliament’s
Petitions Committee until last week.
One would have thought the inter-
national fuel crisis resulting from the
Russia-Ukraine war would have gener-
ated some urgency to put the closure on
hold. Sadly, it appears not.
Chris Leach
(Leader, Social Credit Party)
Letter of the week prize
In her third book on
dementia, 92-year-old
Angela Caughey draws
on the latest research to
show what can be done
to foster a healthy brain,
ward off many common
chronic diseases, and
prevent, or at least slow
down, the brain’s decline.
pods that split open), which brings
us back to nuts, which aren’t actually
“nuts”. It’s all quite a mixed bag.
NUTTY EXTRAS
A strawberry’s “seeds” are actually
individual fruits themselves,
containing even smaller seeds within.
Brazil nuts are one of the few
food allergens that are sexually
transmissible.
Extracted from
Funny You Should
Ask … Again,
by the QI Elves
(Faber, $27.99),
which is out now.
The Royal Society Te Apārangi
has decided not to proceed with
an investigation into complaints it
received about a letter sent to the
Listener last July. The letter, from
seven University of Auckland
professors, raised concerns about
proposed changes to the Māori
school curriculum involving
science. Three of the professors
(including Michael Corballis, who
has since died) were Fellows of
the Royal Society. In a statement,
the society said it had decided not
to proceed as the matter was “not
amenable to resolution” partly
because it would have demanded
“the open-ended evaluation of
contentious expert opinion or
of contested scientific evidence
amongst researchers and scholars”.
However, in the panel’s view, “the
matters raised are of substance
and merit further constructive
discussion and respectful dialogue”.
to gain
Home maintenance is essential
for preserving the value of your
home. Make sure you’ve got these
essentials on your weekend “to do”
list.
On the outside
Learn how to look after the cladding
particular to your home. For example,
plaster homes need to be washed
with warm water and a soft brush
while timber weatherboards need to
be painted every seven years or so.
Washing your home a couple of times
a year is a good idea. You should pay
particular attention to your window
sills – aluminium windows can shrink
and let water in. Keep hinges exposed to
the elements lubricated to help prevent
corrosion, and always keep vegetation
off your home, as that’s where moisture
sits and how it gets into your home.
Always keep your gutters clean and clear.
New homes need work, too
A good house builder or developer will
leave you with information about how
to maintain the home, so make sure
you get this before you pick up the keys.
Preventive maintenance is always better
and cheaper in the long run.
If you’ve recently purchased
Usually, you will have a building report.
Use it to prioritise any maintenance
work or repairs that need doing.
trademe.co.nz/property

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER

 BULLETIN FROM WASHINGTON DC
JONATHAN
KRONSTADT
The inside story
‘T
he calls are
coming
from inside
the house.”
This pre-
cellphone urban legend and
horror-movie trope used to
haunt my head and oscillate my
guts when I babysat as a teen. In
case it's not familiar, the story
goes like this: phone rings,
babysitter answers, creepiest
voice ever says, “Check the
kids.” Calls keep coming, so
freaked-out babysitter calls the
police, who trace the call and
send the sitter off the deep end
with the news that the existen-
tial threat is in the building.
It has long been argued that
if US democracy is ever felled,
the axe will be American-
made and swung. That’s
pretty much where we are at
present, with core elements
of what we used to call the
lunatic fringe now running
the Republican asylum. This
includes the ravings of many
outside government, including
former Trump adviser Steve
Bannon, whose podcast has
millions of listeners. Bannon
supports Vladimir Putin
because “he’s anti-woke”, and
suggested to Fox News' Tucker
Carlson that Dr Anthony
Fauci should be beheaded.
It’s hard to pick one from
Carlson’s oeuvre – they’re all
so compellingly nuts – but
I’m particularly fond of his
pride in the US standing alone
against “the global tyranny
of the metric system”. Before
you dismiss him, understand
that he has the highest-rated
prime-time cable news
PARRY JONES
show in US history – 4.5
million nightly viewers.
But Donald Trump so slimed
8 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
our body politic that the lunatic
fringe has seeped into every
crevice of our legislative bodies.
Recently, Senator Rick Scott of –
where else – Florida, introduced
an 11-point plan to “rescue
America”. It features many of
the greatest and most irrelevant
hits of the irresponsible right,
from forcing kids to salute the
flag every morning – they hate
life-saving vaccine mandates,
but they’re fine with mandating
abject, unquestioning loyalty
to fabric swatches – to
declaring that there are only
two acceptable genders.
The details of Scott’s
plan were less notable than
its existence. The party’s
leader in the Senate, famed
Machiavelli-impersonator
Mitch McConnell, was livid
that anyone would release a
Republican agenda before the
party regains its House and
Senate majorities.
McConnell knows most of
"I know this is a significant
moment in our daughter's life,
but all I can see is my Sharesies."
his plan – tax breaks for rich
people, knee-capping of all
environmental regulation,
bigger tax breaks for even
richer people – is wildly
unpopular, and as such should
be kept quiet.
What was once a disturbing but
recognisable political battlefield now
looks like a Jackson Pollock reject.
How crazy have things got
when the leader of a major
political party in a democracy
says vote for us and we’ll tell
you what we’ll do, but not
until after we win? That’s like
your doctor saying take two
of these twice a day and I’ll
tell you what’s in them in six
months if you’re still around.
What Trump did in all of
his malevolent, unwitting
wizardry was to so disfigure
political norms that what
was once a disturbing but
recognisable political battlefield
now looks like a Jackson Pollock
reject. It’s hard to win the
ideas argument when such
things as truth, facts, maths
and science are unwelcome
guests. And while Trump,
Scott and the other churlish
champions of autocracy grab
national headlines, their
minions are systematically
dismantling democracy
at state and local levels.
T hroughout this six-
year nightmare, I have
held to my lifelong
belief in the marketplace of
ideas: that a true democracy
not only tolerates but also
welcomes all ideas, even the
most odious, confident that
the best ideas will win out. It’s
why you let neo-Nazis march
in Jewish neighbourhoods in
Chicago, and why you let white
supremacists march near the
US Capitol.
Okay, so that last one didn’t
turn out so well, and I’m no
longer so sure what I believe
in. The laws of political gravity
no longer seem to work, and
that’s every bit as unsettling as
it sounds. The incessant ring-
ing from the right is drowning
out all rational voices. And
every last decibel is coming
from inside the house. l
Jonathan Kronstadt is a
freelance writer working
in Washington, DC.
DIARY
CHARLOTTE
GRIMSHAW
Welcome to Retrograd
J
ust after Russian
President Vladimir
Putin’s speech
acknowledging
International
Women’s Day, his army
bombed a maternity and
children’s hospital in Mari-
upol. Ukrainian women and
children stumbled out of the
rubble while the Russian
army went on shamelessly
insisting it wasn’t targeting
civilian infrastructure.
As the world reacts to the
disgusting slaughter of Putin’s
war, there’s a refrain you keep
hearing: amazement that this
could be happening now, to
a European country in the
21st century. This was almost
the first thing that struck me,
too. It is so utterly retrograde,
not only in its savagery, but
in its complete detachment
from the modern world.
We are told Putin
doesn’t regard Ukraine as
a real country. He wants
to recreate the Russian
Empire, and is ready to
bomb anyone who gets in
the way. He doesn’t have a
problem with threatening
world security, potentially
causing nuclear fallout,
using banned weapons and
committing war crimes.
Even if any Russians were
willing to indulge him in
this violent killing spree,
how could they think
there’s time for it now? It’s
insanely anachronistic. It’s
the madness of Retrograd.
You can’t get the power-
crazed old leader of a
petro-state to pause and
think about climate change,
any more than you can
influence an Auckland
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
mayoral candidate who wants
to dump the regional fuel
tax that helps fund public
transport projects. Try telling
some people there’s a new
reality. Some people will go
on doing their retrograde
thing, until all they’re left with
is scorched earth. It makes
you wonder if it’s pointless
to dream of adaptation, and a
different kind of world.
Recently I had two encoun-
ters that made me think of
Retrograd. An old friend had
a serious mental health and
addiction crisis. When we went
across town to visit, we found a
situation so dire I felt sure help
could be summoned. (Those
who have experience with such
crises will laugh at my naivety.)
On the phone to a community
addiction service, I explored
the options. Could someone
come to the house? No. And
“Is this the Grail you were looking for?
It was in the cupboard all the time!”
unless the patient had trouble
breathing, an ambulance would
take hours. A crisis team could
attend, but only if there was a
threat to self or others. There
was no help; there was nothing.
We buckled down and did
the only thing we could: we
talked and talked for hours.
Some people will go on doing their
retrograde thing, until all they’re
left with is scorched earth.
Not long after that, a woman
tripped over outside my
gate, hit her head and got a
serious gash to her leg. She
and I waited 50 minutes until
the ambulance came. The
paramedics couldn’t have
been kinder. One had come
up from Taranaki to help
with the Omicron surge. They
discussed options, where to
take her in a hospital system
understaffed, crowded and
struggling under the strain.
A
few days after
these small dramas,
National leader Chris-
topher Luxon announced a
brand new plan: tax cuts. He
insisted these wouldn’t reduce
public services (they wouldn’t
target civilian infrastructure).
It made me reflect on
a familiar phenomenon.
People whose outlay involves
enormous houses, multiple
properties, private schools
and expensive cars will
demand tax and rates cuts,
while furiously complain-
ing about public services.
They’re scandalised by the
state of our hospitals, by
homelessness, by the lack
of mental health services.
Mention you’ve waited
hours for an ambulance,
or that mental health
services are stretched to
the limit, and they’ll be
indignant. They will blame
the government. Then they
will briskly use the tax cut
to transport the family to
a holiday in Europe. This
is Retrograd, where you
take it all for yourself, live
your best gated life, enjoy
the paradise of your own
ANDY TRISTRAM
scorched earth. l
Charlotte Grimshaw is an
Auckland author and critic.
9
 LIFE
BILL
RALSTON
Year of crisis
A
nd we thought
2021 was bad,
locked down
in our homes,
waiting for the
plague to strike. We thought it
was Hell but, apparently, Hades
was reserved for 2022.
With crushing petrol prices,
wider inflation is at a 30-year
high and the average weekly
grocery bill has risen by
$50. Someone somewhere is
reported as paying $15 for a
cauliflower.
It is a “cost-of-living crisis”,
according to the opposition
parties, but the government
at first resolutely refused to
use the word, thus provoking
still more media coverage as to
whether it is a crisis. However,
the consensus now seems to
be that it is a crisis, and Labour
has announced some relief
at the petrol pump, reducing
fuel excise duty and
road-user charges
by 25 cents per litre
for three months,
meaning a potential
saving of between
$11 and $17 per tank
of fuel.
National’s
Christopher Luxon
has proposed tax
cuts to help hard-
pressed families,
leading to Labour
claiming he wants
to line the pockets of
the rich by knocking
off the top tax
bracket of 39 cents
in the dollar. Little
wonder the political
opinion polls have
ALEX SCOTT
become volatile.
The upside of the “They won’t let you in until you supply a negative rat
cost-of-living crisis
10
is that it has distracted us
from the Omicron crisis and
the Ukraine crisis. We can do
little or nothing individually
to deter Putin from trying
to crush a nation, and many
of us watch, mouths agape,
at the monumental Covid
infection figures released
daily, glumly facing the
likelihood at least half of us
will get it sooner or later.
I suggest we apply the
same technique we use for
the Ukraine and Omicron
problems and simply accept
that prices will rise rapidly
and try to make the best of it.
At my place we have begun
to economise. It is no hardship
to refuse to buy cauliflower
– I detest them – but we have
found a small local store that
sells vegetables it grows itself.
Its cauli is a saner price of $4.99.
We try to avoid shopping
at the greedy supermarket
duopoly. On the relatively
rare occasion that we do go
to one of them, we tend to
buy only products that have
a “sale” sticker on the shelf.
I try to lessen the impact of
the rocketing price of petrol
It is slightly unfair to blame Jacinda
Ardern for the pandemic and the
Russian tanks rolling towards Kyiv.
by trying the old-fashioned
technique of walking. It can
take ages to get anywhere, but
my fitness levels have become
much higher than they were
before I started pounding
the pavements.
T
he three crises are,
of course, closely
linked and the
test.”
cost-of-living crisis comes
as a result of the other two.
Any government here would
have relatively little control
over rapidly rising prices
and costs as a result, but
that will not stop Labour
absorbing the negative effects
in the political opinion polls.
We have to have someone
to blame, although I can
sympathise with Jacinda
Ardern. It is slightly unfair to
blame her for the pandemic
and the Russian tanks rolling
towards Kyiv.
While the Labour/Greens
combos and National/Act are
locked in step in the polls, the
minor parties must
be taking heart that,
maybe, they have a
chance to sneak into
government in 2023.
The Māori Party
might be able to get
its two members
back into the House
and put Labour back
into power. New
Zealand First will
be hoping Winston
Peters can resurrect
its chances (again),
but all of this is
more than a year
away and we have a
painfully long way
to go.
We just have to
acknowledge 2022
is going to be a pig
of a year, but we can
survive it. l
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
REALITY CHECK
STEPHEN
DAVIS
The first casualty of war
I I
n the disinformation
war over Ukraine,
the usual suspects are
leading the way.
Vladimir Putin’s
Russia, of course, is number
one. It is closely followed by
China.
Beijing is twisting itself in
knots defending the invasion
(and no doubt refining its mes-
saging for the future invasion
of Taiwan) while confirming
its long-standing policy of
respect for international order
and territorial integrity.
But now we have an entry
from the West: Britain’s Con-
servative government and its
official statements on the treat-
ment of Ukrainian refugees.
While Europe has opened
its arms to the hundreds of
thousands of Ukrainians flee-
ing Russia’s brutal bombing
campaign, the UK has been
less enthusiastic. However,
government ministers have
pretended to be supportive,
making a series of extraordi-
nary statements that would
have made the old editors of
Pravda proud.
UK Home Secretary Priti
Patel told Parliament a visa-
application centre had been
set up for Ukrainian refugees
reaching Calais. It hadn’t.
Exhausted and demoralised
families, mostly women and
children, who arrived in
Calais were told they had to
turn around and go to Paris or
Brussels.
Tory Transport Minister
Grant Shapps at one stage
announced the Conservatives
were following the express
wishes of Ukrainian president
Volodymyr Zelensky when
they denied sanctuary to
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
Ukrainian women and chil-
dren. A later announcement
explained how he was making
it easier for these refugees –
they no longer had to fill in a
Covid-era passenger locator
form to get into the UK, which
required you to state your UK
place of residence.
Difficult road:
refugees crossing
the Slovak-Ukrainian
border.
At one stage, as Ukraine’s
refugee total passed 1.5 million,
the UK had granted 50 visas.
Prime Minister Boris
Johnson joined in the disinfor-
mation when he stated: “The
UK is way out in front in our
willingness to help refugees.”
This is an outright lie. Europe
is allowing free movement for
people fleeing Ukraine; the UK
is insisting on visas.
At one stage, as the refugee
total passed 1.5 million, the UK
had granted 50 visas. Johnson
boasted at the start that Britain
would welcome 200,000
Ukrainians – on the day I
wrote this column, the United
Nations said the refugees now
numbered 2.5 million, and
Johnson’s government had
granted entry permission to
about 4000.
Even more sinister disin-
formation came in the form
of briefings that Russian spies
could smuggle themselves in
by pretending to be refugees
and that Ireland’s much more
generous attitude could lead to
Ukrainians getting in “through
the back door”.
This blatant spin plays well
with certain anti-immigrant
Tory voters and some of the
right-wing tabloids, although
polls show that most Britons
are happy to welcome more
Ukrainian refugees.
t is worth remembering
that outright lies playing
on anti-immigrant senti-
ment were at the heart of the
Brexit vote when Britain left
Europe, including the sugges-
tion that millions of Muslims
would head for the UK when
Turkey became a member of
the European Union.
The British media is divided
between those who have outed
the government for its lies and
those who have spread them.
Sadly, there is no such divi-
sion in Moscow – Putin has
destroyed what was left of the
independent Russian media,
so Foreign Minister Sergeĭ
Lavrov was able to tell state
TV, without winking: “Russia
has no plans to attack other
countries. We have not even
attacked Ukraine.”
In an extraordinary tel-
evised gathering, Putin – or
his body double, one can’t be
sure these days – met steward-
esses from Aeroflot, Russia’s
state airline, and referred to
the Ukrainian government as
Nazis 10 times. The steward-
esses all carried bouquets of
flowers for their leader.
Russian TV, by the way, fre-
quently echoes such nonsense
by running old footage of
actual Nazis.
Johnson’s government is, of
course, nowhere near as bad as
Putin’s Russia. Ultimately, he
will face the voters; Putin is a
dictator for life.
But it is a reminder that
there are many kinds of dis-
information; none should be
tolerated. l
GETTY IMAGES
Stephen Davis is a Dunedin-
based investigative journalist,
educator and author.
11
 ELSEWHERE
GRAHAM
REID
Positives and negatives
B
y definition, you
can’t prepare for
the unexpected.
So travelling
through the
maskless Covid lands means
a certain inevitability about
being infected at some
point. My wife and I have
each been doing a Rat
test once a week.
We’ve been expecting
that at some point we
might have to hole up
somewhere for a while.
But we’d rather do that
in the UK, having seen
family, than at home faced
with the same four walls.
What we were not
expecting, however, was
the swift and merciless
invasion of Ukraine,
which caught some politi-
cal observers by surprise.
The Ukraine flag now
flies everywhere here in
Brighton — a gesture of
solidarity with that brutalised
nation — but there’s also a feel-
ing of helplessness.
The UK media covers the
conflict at length in a way our
media rarely does, with expert
military and geopolitical opin-
ion juggling the nuances and
options. Yet aside from sending
aid and sympathy, many feel a
kind of impotence about this
slow-moving invasion in which
pregnant women and children
are now considered fair game.
The United Kingdom
has so far issued only a few
thousand visas for Ukrainians
to enter the country. The EU is
squaring off and demanding
the UK do more.
GETTY IMAGES
Every day, we hear of further
sanctions, another oligarch
being made uncomfortable,
12
tragic stories that put a human
face to the appalling atrocities,
and that the Russian economy
is on the precipice. But it still
feels as if the politicians aren’t
doing quite enough.
The repercussions of the sanc-
tions are also being felt here,
where the average price for a
Solidarity: Brighton
wear their yellow
and blue kit in their
Premier League clash
against Liverpool.
People’s empathy for those in
distress can cool when faced
with privations of their own.
litre of petrol is even higher
than in New Zealand, at about
NZ$3.14. For various reasons,
diesel is even pricier, at about
$3.34 a litre, and rising steadily.
Pictures of service station
forecourts are replacing
pictures of cute animals on
social media. We couldn’t have
prepared for that.
Our plan was always to hire
a car for about four weeks
and make our leisurely way
up to the Scottish Highlands
before heading back down to
Edinburgh.
The trip is now probably
going to cost twice what we
thought in late 2021 when we
were contacting family and
drafting an itinerary.
Some will doubtless
say this is punishment for
our hubris in travelling at
this time, but we made the
decision and will live by it.
Because we prefer the side
roads through villages and
towns, we’ll see more, but
the meandering will come
at a cost. However, we didn’t
come here to save money, and
only an accountant remem-
bers the price of things six
months later. The experi-
ences you never forget.
That said, with the price
of diesel so high, the cost of
everything from herbal tea
to heavy machinery is also
going to climb as transport
and distribution costs go up
incrementally, and probably
logarithmically, given how
interdependent an economy is.
A
s in New Zealand,
soaring inflation
looks to be having an
immediate political impact.
Nervous Tory MPs are turning
on their own because of the
spiralling cost of living,
which was emerging even
before Putin’s army began
its march into Europe.
Britain’s Secretary of
State for Business, Energy
and Industrial Strategy,
Kwasi Kwarteng, recently
said he believed the public
was “willing to endure
hardships” in solidarity
with Ukraine.
With some economists
predicting inflation in
Britain to hit 7.25% next
month, rising to 10% later
in the year, British citizens’
concern about the situa-
tion in Ukraine may cool
when faced with privations of
their own.
These are issues and pri-
orities that many, however
sympathetic to the Ukraine
cause, will face in coming
weeks: rising food and heating
costs, more migrants requiring
social services, a humanitarian
crisis moving across Europe,
the dispossessed gathering at
Calais, and pressure from the
EU to provide more help.
At present, there are more
questions than answers. But
for me personally, at least one
uncertainty is now over. The
result of my latest Covid test just
came through. I’m positive. l
Graham Reid is an Auckland-
based freelance writer paying
for his own travel.
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
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 POLITICS
JANE
CLIFTON
The coming storm
The government printed money to keep the economy afloat during
the Covid crisis. Now inflation has induced a sinking feeling.
I
t’s getting to the
stage where being
Reserve Bank
Governor is a gig
thankless enough
to rival coaching
the All Blacks.
Everyone else in New Zealand
knows better than you how to
do your job.
Life for Adrian Orr is a
gushing fountain of furious
hindsight. If only he had
raised interest rates a year
ago – or preferably before he
was born – we wouldn’t be
in this pickle. If only he had
loosened, tightened or bare-
handedly strangled the money
supply, we’d be in clover. If he
hadn’t forced the banks to give
money away, and/or made it
impossible to borrow a bean,
we could all be wealthier than
Singapore by now, and very
possibly buying Singapore as
our holiday home.
In this crowded field,
former Act and Labour MP
Richard Prebble takes the
cup for cheekiest armchair
critic with his exhaustive
retrospective seminar on
preventing inflation. He’s
the former associate
finance minister who,
in the 1980s, hailed
an 18% inflation rate
as a triumph on the
grounds that prices
GETTY IMAGES
were really “fluctuating
Tough gig: Adrian Orr.
14
around a downward trend”,
and if you took out a few items
– he only just managed to stop
himself suggesting excluding
food – the “underlying” rate
was much lower.
However, Prebble makes
the fair criticism that the
government should have
stopped quantitative easing
Economies stay stabler when
states fund emergency packages
with “real” or borrowed money.
(QE) – colloquially known
as printing money – a good
deal earlier. Inflation is the
long Covid of QE, in which the
after-effects can seem worse
than the malady. Agreement
is gelling among economists
on this point, but there wasn’t
exactly a howling chorus
of complaint at the time the
government was doing it.
Rather, there were some
reflexive niggles – and mainly
from the opposition, which
would also have niggled if
tthe government hadn’t
used QE. Covid was
u it was expedient. Now, like
rampaging round
r every other developed
tthe world, everyone
was petrified their
w faces heaving inflation and
economies would
go into recession,
g with insufficient supplies of
and the prevailing
mood was,
“whatever it takes”.
Now we’re
complaining that economies
stay stabler when states fund
emergency packages with
“real” or borrowed money
rather than with printed
money, and that QE is best
used short and sharp.
New Zealand was unusual
in resisting QE during the
2007-09 global financial
crisis, despite some shrill
Labour and Green opposition
carolling for it. This country’s
minimal exposure to the
rickety American sub-prime
mortgage market, and the
other baroque financial
instruments that caused that
crash, meant we avoided
cranking up the mint back
then.
DOOM SPIRAL
This time, the government
– like most others in the
developed world – decided
economy, New Zealand
stricken mortgage holders,
essential goods, from food
to appliances to building
products, making the first
two problems worse.
Russia’s invasion of
Ukraine tightens the screws
further, pitching not only
petrol and wheat into
hyper-inflationary mode,
but touching off a severe
northern hemisphere energy
crisis. Eerily, the latter is a
customary harbinger of out-
and-out recession.
The government’s
emerging problem is that
a growing tally of voters
now resent having to pay
the ferryman for getting
them across Covid in such a
buoyant boat. They rightly
feel that they weren’t
warned there’d be such a
penalty for maintaining a
robust Covid economy. They
myopically feel it’s up to the
government to make these
new costs go away – despite
no other country having the
immediate means to fix their
near-identical crises, either.
The Beehive response has
been the only one available
to it, short of access to a
time machine: think up six
Band-Aid palliatives before
breakfast. The first two it has
come up with – suspending
some of the tax on petrol and
opening the borders several
months early – will ease
inflation by an estimated
0.5%. Given economists say
$4 a litre for petrol and 8%
annual inflation are not out of
the question, there had better
be more palliatives.
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
 The only thanks the
government has had is a flurry
of – admittedly justified –
querulousness about how it’s
going to make up the shortfall
in road funding that the
temporary tax cut will cause,
and how it will staff hospitals
if a tourist-wrought Covid
surge overwhelms emergency
departments.
This sort of doom spiral
is every government’s tenth
circle of Hell, the self-digging
pit where you’re damned
for doing pointless things,
knowing you’d be more
damned if you didn’t do them.
Tax cuts, suspensions,
subsidies, bailouts – they’re all
hard to target equitably and
can’t come within a bull’s roar
of compensating people for
inflation of this order.
COLD SHOULDER
It’s this can’t-win realm of
politics that consoles those
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
MPs who, in the time-
honoured euphemisms, have
Made Their Contribution
and Want to Spend More
Time With Family.
Into this serene afterlife
goes Simon Bridges, to
general astonishment.
Although possibly the least
popular opposition leader
of modern times, he seemed
on course to be one of those
rare twice-rising soufflés.
He managed a partial reset
of his public persona, after
being rolled as National
leader, by writing a jaunty
memoir. Ordinarily, such
an act of vanity would just
deepen one’s slough of
irrelevance. But somehow,
Bridges’ big, belligerent
personality finally blossomed
with the addition of a key
– and, indeed, a John Key –
ingredient: sunniness. He
relaxed a bit, and became
the sort that the late David
Lange would have termed fences with Todd Muller’s
“a refreshing hoon”. His supporters, or the many
comeback cemented by the other caucus grandees he’d
finance spokespersonship, disrespected over the years.
he seemed set to do a Bill With National resurgent
English: earn a generous in the polls, Bridges’ long-
public reappraisal after slighted colleagues saw
catastrophic failure. him as taking a place in the
Bridges’ long-slighted colleagues
saw him as taking a place in the
next Cabinet that could be theirs.
What went wrong? The next Cabinet that could be
age-old mistake: be careful theirs. He has been cold-
how you treat people on your shouldered, but his leaving
way up, because you’re sure now, rather than at term’s
as hell going to meet them end, is an unmistakable
again on your way down. bird-flip gesture.
Bridges’ colleagues knew Young enough – and
his assessment of Maureen sufficiently talented and
Pugh – f---ing useless – was connected – to have a brilliant
not an isolated put-down. new career, he may now be
CHRIS SLANE
Worse, he never succeeded in a position to embody that
– possibly through not other useful adage: living well
deigning to try – in mending is the best revenge. l
15
HEALTHCARE

WHAT’S
UP, DOC?
Modern medicine is out of control,
argue the authors of a new book. It’s
time, they say, for patients to start asking
some tougher questions. by NICKY PELLEGRINO

D
r Rachelle Buchbinder no better than a placebo when it comes
has been heckled and to easing the pain of the foot condition
intimidated. Once, she plantar fasciitis. And the harassment that
had an email from a continues to this day was the result of her
stranger suggesting 2009 trial that found a procedure called
that she put her head in vertebroplasty – injecting a type of acrylic
a microwave and turn cement into vertebrae that have collapsed
it on. And that was relatively mild com- or fractured – is no more effective than a
pared with the more recent harassment she sham treatment.
has experienced via email, social media,
blogs and letter-writing campaigns.
“They’ve been trying to besmirch my
reputation, get me sacked or not funded.
Buchbinder and Harris
It’s been vicious and horrible, and some- claim that one of the
times I ask myself why I’m doing this,” says greatest threats to
Buchbinder, an Australian rheumatologist,
epidemiologist and researcher.
human health is the
The microwave-related message was an healthcare system.
angry response
p to a 2002 study y in which
Buchbinderder showed that ultrasound-
guided sshock wave therapy is
shock-wave only thing that has
The abuse isn’t the on
persisted. Both of th
these procedures
continue to be per
performed, despite
the science deb debunking their
usefulness.
Given the personal
pe cost and
the apparent lack of impact,
you might wowonder why Buch-
binder both
bothers. However,
rather than allowing
a herself
to be silenced,
silenced she has teamed
up with Austra
Australian orthopae-
dic surgeon and author Ian
Harris tto write a book,
GETTY IMAGES

In harm’s way:
surgeon Ian Harris
and rheumatologist
Rachelle Buchbinder.
16 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
 Knee arthroscopy is one
of the surgical treatments
that the authors argue are
often unnecessary.

26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER 17

 HEALTHCARE
Hippocrasy, that exposes the many ways
modern medical professionals are betray-
ing the ideals of the Hippocratic oath and
the commonly associated pledge, “First, do
no harm”.
“We’re both clinicians, and we’re increas-
ingly aware of the harm that comes from
overdiagnosing and overtreatment,” she
says.
In the book, Buchbinder and Harris claim
that one of the greatest threats to human
health is, in fact, the healthcare system.
Unnecessary tests are leading to treatments
that may not benefit a patient and may even
hurt them. Some of those treatments were
accepted into practice before being prop-
erly evaluated, and the subsequent science
is being denied or overlooked.
We are all at risk of too much medicine –
it has been estimated that a third of clinical
interventions are futile at best and medical
care remains a leading cause of death.
Harris has written about this before, in
his book Surgery, The Ultimate Placebo, but
Hippocrasy goes further, looking at medi-
cine from birth to death. The wide-ranging
treatise covers the overmedicalisation of
ordinary human experience; the perils
of healthcare being run as a business; the
routine screening that carries a risk of
detecting abnormalities that may never
ALAMY
have caused a problem; the creation of new
diseases and the lowering of thresholds; the
18
surfeit of end-of-life care; and the dilemma
of doctors as they try to meet the expecta-
tions of their patients.
CRITICAL THINKING
Buchbinder and Harris stress that they
aren’t anti-medicine and their aim isn’t to
erode trust in doctors. What they are shoot-
ing for is science-informed healthcare, with
Patient expectation
also has a part to play
– we want those tests
and any treatments
that might fix us.
more critical thinking from medics and
greater health literacy among patients.
“Many doctors agree with us,” says Buch-
binder. “Some with vested interests may
not be so happy, but I think most are start-
ing to see that this is the right way.”
One of the procedures they highlight is
knee arthroscopy, a keyhole surgery that
“cleans out” the knees of people with dam-
aged cartilage or meniscal tears. Many
studies have shown it to be no more effec-
tive than placebo or exercise therapy for
most conditions, yet it is still often recom-
mended to treat degeneration of the knee.
Harris has recently been engaged in
a back and forth with some of his fellow
surgeons over an arthroscopic shoulder
procedure that involves shaving off bone
to stop it impinging on the rotator cuff
tendons. Two studies have shown this is
no better than placebo surgery, he says.
“I explained how the evidence says this
procedure doesn’t work. The final email
I had from them said, ‘Well, that may be
the case, but we think it works.’ And that’s
really what it comes down to. They don’t
believe the high-quality evidence because
it conflicts with their beliefs.”
FINANCIAL INCENTIVES
Money is certainly among the reasons
some low-value healthcare is happening
– after all, medicine is a business like any
other. “The whole medical system is struc-
tured so you get paid for doing things,” says
Harris. “What surgeons earn from consult-
ing just keeps things ticking over – they
get paid to operate, that’s where they make
their money.
“Everyone is incentivised to treat. You
don’t walk away from a chiropractor having
been told that your spine is straight and you
don’t have any problems. Every time you
see a physiotherapist, there is some muscle
that needs fixing. The whole industry wants
you to be a high-turnover doctor: the compa-
nies that make medical products and drugs,
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

Procedures under fire:
from left, shock wave
therapy; shoulder
arthroscopy.
everybody wants turnover.”
Patient expectation also has a part to play
– we want those tests to show us exactly
what is going on and any treatments that
might fix us. “It’s difficult to explain to
people how getting a test that increases
the information they have can be bad,”
says Harris. “How can more knowledge be
harmful? But back scans are a good exam-
ple; every back MRI shows something.
You’ve got a problem like low back pain,
and then the scan shows an abnormality – a
bulging disc or narrowed nerve canals – so
therefore your problem must be due to the
abnormality. In fact, it’s most often not.”
Back pain can resolve itself in time, while
many of the treatments used to fix it are
unproven and potentially harmful.
Also, since modern scanning machines
are becoming more sensitive, they are pick-
ing up smaller and smaller abnormalities.
“The risk is that you pick up things that
are irrelevant, that are going to worry the
patient, worry the doctor, lead to more
tests and then a cascade of treatments,” says
Buchbinder, “when actually the best thing
might have been to do nothing.”
An example she likes to use is the thyroid
cancer “epidemic” in South Korea, where
the incidence of this disease increased
tenfold between 1999 and 2012. It became
the most commonly diagnosed cancer
for women and South Korea had the
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
highest rates in the world. This has now
been attributed to the widespread prac-
tice of screening for thyroid cancer using
ultrasonography, which started in the early
2000s and resulted in the greater detection
of small “clinically indolent” tumours.
“Young women in South Korea had their
thyroids removed because of cancers that
would never have harmed them,” says
Buchbinder. “They now have a scar and
“A doctor doesn’t want
to be seen as a failure.
They have to come
up with an answer.”
need lifelong thyroid hormone therapy. It
caused untold amounts of vocal cord paral-
ysis and ended up saving no lives.”
BEWARE THE HERO
The more tests doctors perform on non-
symptomatic people, the more likely they
are to find “incidentalomas” — things that
are normal for the patient’s age.
This can lead to surgeries that carry risks,
and drugs that cause side effects, when pos-
sibly the “incidentaloma” would never have
resulted in any problem at all.
Doctors may be unwilling to say no to
RISKS vs
BENEFITS
Questions to ask your
doctor:
■ Do I really need this
test?
■ What are the risks?
■ Has this treatment
been proven to
work in high-quality
studies?
■ Are the benefits
worth the risks?
■ Are there simpler,
safer options?
■ What happens if I
don’t do anything?
patients. Their intentions are good, they
believe they are genuinely helping and can
fear missing a diagnosis, so order all the
tests just to be sure.
“A doctor doesn’t want to be seen as a
failure,” Harris says, “They have to come
up with an answer.”
He advises people to beware of the hero
surgeon, the one who does the huge opera-
tion no one else can do because they’re not
as good or bold enough a doctor. “I’ve never
known a surgeon to be scared of operating;
they’re more than happy to operate. The
reason no one else in the world does that
operation is because it doesn’t work.”
One of the more common procedures in
medicine is cardiac stenting. This involves
a metal tube being inserted into a narrowed
artery to widen it, and is often performed
on people with what is called stable angina
– they have chest discomfort when pushing
themselves physically, which eases with rest
or medication.
Harris and Buchbinder argue that
although this treatment may make sense
on the face of it, if the person wasn’t having
a heart attack then the body must have
adapted to the narrowing by opening up
other arteries to maintain blood flow.
Stenting surgery may bring complications.
GETTY IMAGES
Anti-coagulant drugs will need to be taken
for life to stop the stent blocking. There
are clinical trials to prove that, for stable
19
HEALTHCARE
Complicated: stents are
not a simple cure-all for
heart conditions.
angina, stenting offers no more benefit than
drug therapy alone and doesn’t reduce the
chances of dying or having a heart attack.
“Stenting sounds appealing, but it’s not as
simple as a plumber coming out and clear-
ing the blockage and then it works forever,”
says Harris.
REFRAMING PAIN
Often, measures taken with the best inten-
tions can have disastrous consequences.
The opioid epidemic is a compelling exam-
ple. A huge crisis in the United States, it is
now affecting developing countries around
the world, causing many thousands of over-
dose deaths and addiction problems. And it
is a tragedy caused by the medical system.
The roots of the problem lie in the 1990s,
when the American Pain Society came up
with the idea that pain should be the fifth
“vital sign”. Screening patients for pain and
treating them became accepted practice.
Around the same time, a new, longer-acting
and, as it turned out, potentially addictive
opioid called OxyContin was released.
“How could this be bad? Let’s just stop
everyone having pain. Won’t that be great?”
says Harris, dryly. “But pain is there for a
reason, and, particularly after surgery, it’s
temporary.”
Framing things differently – letting
patients know how much pain they can
realistically expect and how long it will
20
last – and using lower-risk therapies are
likely to have better outcomes. In fact,
new research from Australia, published in
JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical
Association, has shown that strong painkill-
ers after surgery for a broken bone may not
be necessary at all. Patients prescribed the
For stable angina,
trials suggest that
stenting doesn’t reduce
the risk of dying or
having a heart attack.
strong opioid oxycodone had the same level
of pain relief as those who took a far lower
dose of codeine and paracetamol.
Pain, it could be argued, is a normal
human condition. As is the weakening of
muscles in older age, which, since 2016, has
been recognised as a geriatric syndrome,
sarcopenia, resulting in a variety of drugs
being investigated as a potential treatment.
Thresholds for hypertension (high blood
pressure) and type 2 diabetes have been
decreased. Unhappy people are medicalised
even though anti-depressants are ineffec-
tive for a large proportion of them. There is
a move to classify those with a BMI of 25-30
as pre-obese rather than overweight, as if
it is inevitable that they will become obese
eventually. Rates of ADHD are climbing.
Buchbinder and Harris question how
helpful some of these diagnoses are and
whether there is anything to be gained by
medicalising “normal”.
SCREENING PROS & CONS
Some of what they say is uncontroversial.
No one is likely to take issue with the idea
we should avoid using antibiotics unneces-
sarily. Many would agree that a comfortable
death is preferable to aggressive care and
intensive treatments at the very end of life.
More contentious is their opinion that
screening for cancer in well people can do
more harm than good. Public health pro-
grammes such as BreastScreen Aotearoa
are seen as crucial for early cancer detec-
tion. And there is at least some evidence that
the benefits outweigh the risks – a 2010 UK
study of mammographic screening found
that between two and 2.5 lives are saved for
every overdiagnosed case.
The US Preventative Services Task Force
has cited overdiagnosis as one of the chief
potential harms associated with mam-
mography because of the unnecessary
treatments that follow. Previous estimates
had the rate at one in three. However, the
latest research suggests that the problem
might not be as large as previously believed.
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

A study from Duke University and the Fred
Hutchinson Cancer Research Centre, look-
ing at a large cohort of women, found that
the rate of overdiagnosis may be as low as
one in seven.
Meanwhile, routine prostate cancer
screening has been shown not to reduce
death rates from the disease. Buchbinder
and Harris say the problem is these tests
may not detect the very severe cancers that
kill people, as they tend to grow rapidly and
are unlikely to be caught at the moment of
screening. But they will show milder forms
of the disease, which are growing slowly or
possibly not at all, and abnormalities that
can be precursors for cancer.
The pair stress that they don’t want to
dissuade people from getting screened, par-
ticularly if they are in a high-risk group. “But
you always have to think about the potential
downside, to balance the benefits against the
potential harms,” says Buchbinder.
HIDDEN COSTS
Too much medicine doesn’t necessarily
improve health; it may do the exact opposite.
Resources are limited and money spent on
unwarranted care is money that cannot be
spent on necessary treatments.
The book cites a US Institute of Medicine
(IOM) estimate that 30 cents of every dollar
spent on healthcare in the US is for unneces-
sary care. According to a paper in the science
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
journal PLOS One, the IOM in 2010 estimated
the cost of unnecessary services was about
US$210 billion of US$750 billion in excess
spending each year.
Healthcare also has a high environmental
cost. It requires a lot of electricity to run
hospitals and manufacture drugs, and cre-
“Each time a new
drug or procedure
comes along, there is
a tendency for them
to be overused.”
ates large amounts of waste. Some of the
anaesthetic gases used have high carbon
footprints. In New Zealand, the health-
care sector is estimated to contribute up
to 8% of the country’s total greenhouse-gas
emissions.
There is an emphasis now on improving
sustainability. For instance, Counties Manu-
kau District Health Board has reduced its
carbon emissions significantly through
measures such as better recycling and
reducing anaesthetic gases. And in Christch-
urch, the Forté Health private hospital
precinct has been certified carbon zero.
“If we get rid of all the unnecessary stuff,
Vital sign: screening and
treating patients for pain
led to an explosion in
opioid addiction in the US.
which we know is at least 30% of healthcare,
that would be a huge shift for environmen-
tal costs,” says Buchbinder.
Given the distrust of medical research-
ers and doctors that has become much more
evident and concerning in the Covid-19 era,
is this the greatest timing for a book that
risks eroding that trust further? “Yes,” says
Buchbinder, who points out that lockdowns
have created a backlog of elective surgeries,
and there will be people who delayed having
tests they needed for things such as cancer
who will now urgently need care. “So, we
need to direct our resources, and be even
more sure we’re not doing overdiagnosis
and overtreatment.”
There is a sweet spot between believing
that everything works, with associated over-
treatment, and the idea that nothing works.
Medicine today is at the overtreatment end
of the spectrum, Harris and Buchbinder
argue. A lot can be done to redress the bal-
ance: better training for doctors to help
them identify wasteful tests and proce-
dures, more engagement from professional
societies, disinvesting in low-value care by
healthcare funders.
Patient power also has an important role
to play, although the pair recognise that it
can be difficult for people to question the
GETTY IMAGES
authority of their doctors.
“You need to have some health lit-
eracy and a degree of scepticism,” says
21
 HEALTHCARE

Buchbinder. “And you and Waikato emergency at pains to point out. The aim is to use the
have to ask the doctors the medicine doctor John resources that we have to best effect, for a
right questions. What are Bonning. They are behind more effective and equitable system. One
the alternative treatments, Aotearoa’s participa- of the hardest things for a doctor to do is
what are the potential tion in an international nothing. You never see newspaper reports
harms, what would movement, the Choos- about people who are angry because they
happen if I did nothing? ing Wisely Campaign. had unnecessary CT scans. Omissions tend
“You shouldn’t accept Launched here in late to be what doctors are punished for, so it
anything in blind faith. If 2016, there has been a may seem easier to order the tests than
you’re not sure, then you positive response, on suggest a patient doesn’t need them.
should ask for a second the whole, from medi- “We’re working in clinical environ-
opinion or a third. And cal professionals. The ments where people feel pressured for
take someone to the medical bodies have time and it’s easier to tick a box on a form
appointment with you. identified key areas
“In my hospital, I keep where doctors should
pushing for health advo- hold back – mostly tests
cates who can be with the that shouldn’t be ordered
The risk is that you
patient and listen, and in various circumstances. pick up things that are
then ask any questions the Almost all the country’s irrelevant that lead to a
patient doesn’t feel able to DHBs are involved in the
ask. And I think we have to programme. cascade of treatments.
teach it in schools – teach “Probably due to the
about evidence, rationale financial constraints, the
and logic and apply it to idea of being thought- and do a scan,” says Sherwood. “We may
health so that patients ful about what tests you not have the language or confidence to talk
feel less awkward about order and not overorder- to patients and explain why it’s probably
asking what the evidence ing already resonated better to wait and see.”
is for a treatment and quite strongly with a lot With the increase in virtual care, and
whether it really works.” of New Zealand health- doctors treating patients via Zoom or
Derek Sherwood, top, and care professionals,” says phone rather than in-person, inevitably
HEALTHY John Bonning. Sherwood. “And Choosing more box-ticking will be going on.
SCEPTICISM Wisely is one of a number For a time, Choosing Wisely NZ had
Both would like to see of initiatives that are all the funding to have someone dedicated
more scepticism on the part of patients, aiming to do the same thing – trying to to working with professional medical
and less acceptance that a treatment must get better shared decision-making and the bodies, educators and DHBs, getting them
be good just because a doctor has offered it. right care for patients rather than unnec- on board with the campaign. That supply
Ironically, the Covid-19 vaccine has essary tests and treatments. Advanced of money has run out now, and the focus is
care planning is another example.” on increasing the general public’s under-
New Zealand’s situation is very different standing that more is not always better.
“We don’t want to scare from that of the US, where overtesting and “I see this as a problem that we will
overtreatment have reached “grotesque” always have,” says Sherwood. “Each time
people off necessary levels, says Sherwood. But we still have a new technology, new drug or surgical
treatment, but we do plenty of areas to tighten up. One issue that procedure comes along, there is a tendency
want them to get better Choosing Wisely NZ has identified is inap-
propriate urine testing for urinary tract
for them to be overused. We don’t want to
scare people off having necessary treat-
at asking questions.” infections, which results in some women ment, but we do want to greatly improve
unnecessarily being given antibiotics to health literacy and to get the community
treat bacteria that are naturally present in better at questioning medical technology.
been a rare example of this happening. their urine and not causing them any harm. “If people are more confident about dis-
Harris admits he finds the inconsistency Another is CT scans as a routine part cussing risks and benefits, I think they’ll
frustrating. “All of a sudden, they’re scep- of a dementia diagnosis, says Bonning. “If understand that there are no certainties,
tical. There are all these trials that show someone has developed early dementia tests are not always accurate and that it’s
it works, but they want long-term trials. you would certainly be doing one – [or] reasonable to question and weigh up the
And then they’ll go to see someone who’ll if there’s an acute element, they’ve got a advice before coming to the decision that is
say, ‘I’m going to fuse your back for your haemorrhage, that sort of thing. But it right for them. It’s an ongoing maturation
back pain.’ It’s a huge operation, with no shouldn’t be routine; there ought to be a of us as a society in terms of our relation-
benefit and high risks you could die from, clear indication for it.” ship to healthcare.” l
and it’s like, ‘Yeah, give it to me.’”
NZ DOCTOR

In New Zealand, a bid to reduce unneces- BOX-TICKING TENDENCY Hippocrasy: How doctors are betraying
sary tests and treatments is being led by This isn’t about saving money or ration- their oath, by Rachelle Buchbinder and Ian
Nelson ophthalmologist Derek Sherwood ing healthcare, Sherwood and Bonning are Harris. NewSouth Books, $39.99.

22 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

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SCIENCE SHAKE-UP

24 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

 An INEXACT
SCIENCE
Science in New Zealand is about to
undergo its biggest shake-up in 30 years.
But will reform ease the tension between
public demands and commercial returns?
by PAUL GORMAN
I
t was a controversial deci-
sion by those holding the
purse strings at the start of the
Covid-19 pandemic. In a spe-
cial funding round, the Health
Research Council announced
grants worth $3.8 million for 13
Covid studies. Among them were two uni-
versity-based trials that included genomic
sequencing of the virus.
Genomic sequencing, as
we all now know, is vital to
understanding how a virus Agencies and
such as Covid is spread-
ing. But according to those
scientists are
behind another study, New competing,
Zealand missed a chance to
invest in more expensive
sometimes
equipment that held much aggressively.
more potential to quickly The winners
generate national-level data.
Instead, the HRC’s biggest
take all and
bet, totalling $1.36 million, the losers
was placed on a trifecta of
trials using hydroxychlo-
emigrate.
roquine, a drug used for
malaria and some autoimmune conditions
that was later famously championed by
Donald Trump when he was US president.
Within months, hopes for hydroxy-
chloroquine faded and the three New
Zealand trials were abandoned.
Was it a spectacular blunder? Some
Kiwi scientists see it that way, and claim
the research funding lottery is just one of
the handbrakes holding back New Zealand’s
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
progress on many fronts.
As it happened, the Institute of Environ-
mental Science and Research (ESR) and the
University of Otago eventually succeeded in
winning a $600,000 grant from the Ministry
of Business, Innovation and Employment
(MBIE) for their own genomic-sequenc-
ing study. But the HRC setback meant
they weren’t able to get cracking on virus
sequencing until about six months after
the March 2020 lockdown. It
went on to become a crucial
tool in our Covid response.
Another high-profile
example of the challenges
that Kiwi scientists face is the
kauri dieback debate. Last
August, a Massey University
study into the origins of the
deadly disease provoked a
Facebook backlash from a
government-funded agency.
It publicly questioned the
study’s robustness and the
scientists’ “speculative dis-
cussion” (see “Shooting the
messenger”, page 28). The authors of the
GETTY IMAGES/LISTENER ILLUSTRATION
study remain aggrieved.
PARLOUS STATE
The challenges facing our science sector
are multiple. Agencies and scientists are
competing, sometimes aggressively, for the
same pots of money. The winners take all
and the losers emigrate. Young scientists are
frustrated about the hurdles they face, and
25
 SCIENCE SHAKE-UP
SCIENCE BY
NUMBERS
New Zealand’s science sector
includes the equivalent
of about 20,000 full-time
researchers, according to official
government sources. Many are
employed by eight universities
and three wānanga, seven CRIs,
an innovation agency (Callaghan
Innovation), and 23 independent
research organisations, including
the high-profile Cawthron Institute
in Nelson.
The seven CRIs are AgResearch,
ESR (Environmental Science and
Research), GNS Science, Manaaki
Whenua – Landcare Research,
Niwa, Plant and Food Research
and Scion. There are also 10
Centres of Research Excellence
in areas ranging from nanotech-
nology to earthquakes, and 11
national science challenges, which
are intended to ensure a cross-
disciplinary approach to solving
specific issues.
SPENDING
New Zealand has been way behind
many of our peers when it comes to
spending on research and develop-
ment for many years. Public and
private sector expenditure on
R&D rose from 1.1% of GDP in
2001 to just 1.4% in 2019. The aver-
age across the OECD in 2019 was
2.47% of GDP, but some countries
spend well above this.
Overall, New Zealand spent
about $4.5 billion on R&D in
2020, which was well up on previ-
ous years. However, most of this
heavy lifting is being done by busi-
nesses. Back in 2012, the private
sector and the public sector each
spent about $1.2 billion on R&D.
By 2020, the private sector had
boosted its spending to $2.7
billion, while the public sector
had increased its spending to
only $1.8 billion. As a proportion
GETTY IMAGES
of GDP, spending by the public
sector actually fell between 2012
and 2020, from 0.67% to 0.57%.
26
researchers are afraid to
speak publicly about their
work in case they upset
their commercial backers.
Meanwhile, the man-
agement and boards of
Crown research institutes
(CRIs) are paranoid about
negative media coverage
and extremely risk averse
because they worry about
losing funding if they back
the wrong horse.
How could a sector that
provides such hope for New
Zealand’s future be in such
a parlous state?
As it is doing in health,
housing, broadcasting
and many other sectors,
the government is seizing
the opportunity to use its
majority to push through
major reforms. As in
those other sectors, there
is highly likely to be some
rationalisation. But the pro-
cess has only just started.
1990S MODEL
It began last October,
when the Minister for
Research, Science and
Innovation, Megan Woods,
kicked off the sector’s big-
gest shake-up in three
decades. Launching the
long-awaited green paper,
Te Ara Paerangi – Future
Pathways, Woods said the
CRIs created in 1992 were
now showing their age.
“Like so many other prod-
ucts of the 1990s – grunge
for instance – some aspects
of it don’t work as well today
as they possibly could,” she
quipped.
Submissions on the green
paper closed on March 16,
and it’s probably fair to
say that many in the sector
will have agreed with her
assessment that science
in New Zealand is these
days characterised by a
“significant amount of
fragmentation and unpro-
ductive competition”.
According to Steve
Thompson, the former
chief executive of the Royal
Society Te Apārangi and the
Foundation for Research,
Science and Technology,
it’s time for a “complete
system rethink”. For almost
30 years, New Zealand had a
goal that public investment
in research and develop-
ment (R&D) should reach
0.8% of GDP, he says. Spend-
ing has failed to move much
above 0.5% (see sidebar).
CRIs have responded as
best they can, says Thomp-
son, and initiatives such as
the national science chal-
lenges have been bolted
on. “But new client groups
are emerging and New
Zealand needs to support
them as well. Therein lies
a problem – CRIs have no
remit to ‘pivot’ to new areas.
If institutes were allowed to
continue forever, we might
still have an Institute for
Axe-Grinding.”
Pioneering genomics
researcher and former
New Zealand Association
of Scientists councillor
Rob Elshire says reforms
are crucial to fix both cur-
rent problems and ones
never dealt with by the 1992
reforms.
Concerns about compla-
cency and a “she’ll be right”
attitude date back to the
mid-80s, Elshire says. “It is
not only still true, but the
necessary changes are more
profound, and the need for
them is immediate.”
BLINKERS ON
Although there is wide
agreement over the prob-
lems, there is likely to
be less unanimity over
the solutions. Thompson
takes issue with the lead-
ing nature of the “how to”
questions posed in Te Ara
Paerangi. It’s an attempt, he
From top: Steve
Thompson, Megan
Woods, Rob Elshire,
Shaun Hendy.
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
says, to blinker our thinking. “Blinkers can
be quite useful for keeping skittish horses
in line, but also prevent them from seeing
disasters or opportunities off to one side.”
Elshire says leaving universities out of
the green paper is at odds with indications
he had from Woods’ office in early 2020
that they would be included. “How can we
possibly have a fit-for-purpose renewal of
our research system if we leave out such a
significant portion from the review?”
One of the best ways to maximise public
benefit from the investment of public
money in research is to make the research
available at no cost to everyone, Elshire says.
“That way promotes collaboration rather
than exclusion, sharing rather than self-
ishness, innovation rather than received
CRI boards and
management are
paranoid about negative
media coverage and
extremely risk averse.
wisdom. The New Zealand research system
policies and settings do just the opposite.
Competition above all else is not in the
public interest. It can, and too often does,
create perverse incentives that encourage
the kind of bad behaviour we see all too fre-
quently in our system.”
The initial failure to fund genomic
sequencing equipment is a case in point, says
Elshire. He believes the government simply
assumed important work such as genomics
or modelling would go ahead without direct
funding, given the unprecedented nature
of the pandemic. “There was no apparent
cohesive strategy of investment.”
POST-TRUTH WORLD
Megan Woods is reluctant to get too specific
about what a better science system might
look like. She will only say the problems
are not limited to particular institutions.
“Some of these problems are not new and
approaches to fixing these in the past have
been Band-Aids that in some cases have
increased complexity,” she told the Listener.
It’s clear there will be changes to the
CRIs. Woods says she knows about CRIs
from the inside, having worked at Crop
and Food (later Plant and Food) as a busi-
ness manager.
“The fact I asked for there to be a review
of CRIs shows these are areas I’m actively
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
thinking about and actively considering.”
According to Woods, CRIs represent the
“thinking and commercial disciplines” of
the early 1990s. “Our aspirations, economic
drivers and social make-up have shifted a
lot since. It is important we keep an open
mind around the shape of our institutions.”
Speaking of open minds, Woods says
she “absolutely believes” in academic free-
dom and academics being the critics and
conscience of society. She recognises, she
says, that CRI scientists are currently more
constrained in what they can say because of
commercial contracts.
“As we go into a post-truth world, where
reckons and misinformation become the
norm in public discourse, actually having
our academics in a variety of fields empow-
ered to be a critic and conscience becomes
even more important. And that is something
I am very passionate about.”
The green paper is also an opportunity
to better tackle future challenges, includ-
ing mitigating climate change, improving
health and alleviating the housing crisis, she
says. “My aim is to ensure our research, sci-
ence and innovation system is in the best
shape to support New Zealand’s future
wellbeing, and it is important we take time
to get it right.”
Changes are likely to take many years to
implement. But one thing that is likely to
remain a constant is MBIE’s oversight of the
Head start: officials were slow to recognise
the importance of genomic sequencing of
the Covid-19 virus, scientists say.
sector. “It is the most significant funder of
public research in New Zealand. It monitors
the performance of many of our institutions
and the overall system, and acts as steward
of the system through the policies and direc-
tions it sets. I don’t foresee any changes to
MBIE’s role,” she says.
Although Woods wants a “more adapt-
“How can we have
a fit-for-purpose
renewal if we leave
out [universities]?”
able and resilient” and better-connected
sector, she also praises the system for
serving New Zealand “exceptionally well”,
especially during the Covid pandemic. As
an example, she cites the Covid-19 Inno-
vation Acceleration Fund, which backed
initiatives such as wastewater testing and
epidemic modelling work.
But what about that initial decision to
GETTY IMAGES
reject funding for genomic sequencing
equipment? Both Health Minister Andrew
Little and the Ministry of Health say it is
27
SCIENCE SHAKE-UP
Shooting the messenger
Better collaboration between scientists would help solve some of
New Zealand’s most pressing problems, says one academic.
R
ichard Winkworth has
spent most of his career in
academia. He is currently
a senior lecturer in plant
science at Massey Univer-
sity, but was once interviewed for a job at
a Crown research institute.
“I was asked whether coming from
an academic background, I could cope
with working in a corporate environ-
ment,” Winkworth says. “My response
was: ‘What product does the corpo-
ration sell?’ It was clear she did not
understand the question.”
The interview was a red flag, he
says. “Our science institutions are
fixated on balancing the books for this
financial year. This short-term think-
ing does not fit well with the reality
of science, especially science for the
public good, being a long-term game.”
It particularly annoys him that CRIs are
quick to publicise grants worth millions
of dollars, but the public hears fewer
stories about the actual outcomes. “The
pressure to get funding can lead to a
28
less-than-collegial environment.”
Winkworth himself has had an unpleas-
ant taste of what that environment can
be like. Last year, he inadvertently found
himself on the “wrong side” of the kauri
dieback debate when his research group
Marginalised: Richard Winkworth claims
his team’s findings were misrepresented.
concluded the deadly disease was not a
recent arrival.
A wider group set up to study the
Reset: a Massey University
study argues the disease
killing kauri may have
been here for hundreds
of years.
problem, Ngā Rākau Taketake, publicly
criticised the research. An unsigned post
appeared on a Facebook page dedicated to
the science being done on New Zealand’s
biological heritage: “There is concern over
the interpretation of a recently published
manuscript and how speculative
discussion by the authors has been
taken as evidence to push for changes
in our current management of kauri
dieback. Changes … must be backed
by robust science, and when they are,
appropriate changes should be made.”
Winkworth says the post “openly
misrepresents the science, claims we
did things we did not and suggests
that, as authors, we don’t have the
experience needed to interpret the
results”.
The issue matters, he says, because
kauri dieback disease is being treated as a
recently introduced pathogen. He believes
this may be wrong, and therefore, how
we are managing the disease may also be
wrong.
“Anyone questioning this idea is fairly
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
aggressively marginalised, both profes-
sionally and personally, because so
much of the funding is tied to the idea
that the pathogen has been recently
introduced.”
Daniel Patrick is co-director of the
organisation responsible for the Face-
book page that published the post. It
oversees Ngā Rākau Taketake, which in
turn supports more than 160 scientists
across more than 25 organisations.
Patrick says the entire group’s back-
ing was not sought before the post was
published. But he stands by the state-
ment, and says it needed to be said to
help people understand there were not
going to be changes to kauri dieback
management.
He denies it was an attack on Wink-
worth, and says it is standard practice
for researchers and scientists to critique
each other’s work. “There has been no
new information identified or provided
that would require a change to the
response. We had multiple commu-
nity groups specifically contact us to
thank us, which means it has reached
its intended audience and is helping to
make a difference.”
Winkworth remains aggrieved. One
of the biggest hurdles to managing kauri
dieback is ensuring the data is robust,
he says. “Getting on top of the disease
really requires that we openly share. But
instead, data is being withheld.”
B
ecause they are such serious
problems, kauri dieback, myrtle
rust and the cattle disease
Mycoplasma bovis have all attracted con-
siderable public funding, he notes. “In
some ways they appear to have become
a cash cow for CRIs, helping make up
core funding shortfalls.”
He believes there is a conflict of
interest for a CRI whose funding stream
is tied to a specific research idea or
technology, as there is no incentive to
explore new research.
“Part of the problem is the corporate
system views pretty much everything
as intellectual property and patentable.
This makes it pretty hard for people to
collaborate.”
He also believes that CRIs should
not be able to claim publicly funded
data as their own intellectual property.
“Recently there have been encouraging
noises about openness and collabora-
tion, but the reality is that the kauri
dieback issue is highly political.”
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
inappropriate for them to get involved with
decisions made by organisations with dis-
cretionary funding powers. The HRC says
it does not comment on proposals declined
funding.
National’s economic development, sci-
ence and innovation spokeswoman, Judith
Collins, is not so coy. According to her, the
funding round appeared to be “something
of a lolly scramble”. “Research funding is
always going to be hotly contested and
limited. It should not be wasted on baseless
theories,” she says.
Collins is looking forward to getting
her teeth stuck into the science sector. She
describes the green paper as having been “a
long time coming”.
“We need to have consensus around
research and science that means scientists
and others involved in the sector are not
worrying which government is coming in
and what’s going to happen. I don’t want to
make it political, but there’s been a lack of
emphasis on science, and other countries
have well and truly passed us by.”
COMPETITIVE TENSION
Professor Shaun Hendy is director of
Te Pūnaha Matatini, one of 10 Centres
of Research Excellence in New Zealand.
Based at the University of Auckland, it has
received significant public funding for
Covid modelling. He is also a board member
of the government’s innovation agency, Cal-
laghan Innovation, so is well versed in the
current system.
He agrees “it took a while” for the Minis-
try of Health to realise the importance of
genomic sequencing. He credits two early-
career scientists, Joep de Ligt and Jemma
Geoghegan, “who just kept pushing and
pushing”, for the University of Otago-ESR
trial proceeding and making a huge differ-
ence to minimise the wider impact of the
pandemic. “If there’s a lesson, it’s to not
leave those conversations until a pandemic.
Unfortunately right now, I don’t know if our
system is well set up to do that.”
Although competition is part of science,
Hendy says the current system in New Zea-
land goes too far. “If I don’t get my grant
at a university, I have to do more teaching
next year. But if a CRI scientist doesn’t get
their grant, they can be down the road. So,
the drivers of patch protection in CRIs are
perfectly understandable.”
Early-career researchers, and Māori
and Pasifika researchers, are particularly
disillusioned, says Hendy. He also believes
vice-chancellors and CRI chief executives
have been too focused on institutional
competition and “not enough on how can
we improve the system”.
The NZ Association of Scientists shares
Hendy’s concerns. Former president
Nicola Gaston, of the University of Auck-
land, believes the green paper hits a lot of
the right notes, focusing on understanding
institutions, how they work together and
adapt to changes, and what that might mean
for their workforce.
UNCHARTED TERRITORY
The emphasis on Te Tiriti o Waitangi and
on equity is long overdue, Gaston says. “The
future of the CRI system, and how it con-
nects with universities, is going to be what
the success of these changes is ultimately
judged on.
“There’s a massive tension between the
“I don’t want to get
political, but there’s
been a lack of emphasis
on science, and other
countries have well and
truly passed us by.”
CRIs’ individual independence and their
ability to support an ‘NZ Inc’ approach. I’m
not quite going to advocate that we bring
back the DSIR, but I do think that the abil-
ity for internal restructure within a single
organisation might be part of the answer.”
Association co-presidents Lucy Stewart
and Troy Baisden are impressed the govern-
ment has initiated reform without knowing
where it will lead.
“It is a bold move politically,” Baisden says.
“It is also the right move, because so much
needs to be fixed. The reform will have suc-
ceeded only if institutions are better funded
and more stable as a result of being better
trusted and able to lead prioritisation.”
Fixing workforce problems is another
key issue, says Stewart. “With early-career
researchers … there is a deep amount of
stress and unhappiness. Almost nobody
feels supported by the system or [that]
they can look forward to a stable career in
research, and this goes doubly for Māori
early-career researchers.”
In fact, it is difficult to find anyone who
believes the CRIs are working as they
should, she says. “Their twin mandates to
GETTY IMAGES
be commercially profitable and safeguard
science for the public good have not proven
to be compatible.” l
29
 PROFILE
MAMMY
DEAREST
Writer and broadcaster Noelle McCarthy’s memoir is the story
of a mother-daughter relationship that is biting – literally – fiery,
funny, toxic, boozy and ultimately redemptive. by MICHELE HEWITSON
N
oelle McCarthy, the
broadcaster, pod-
caster and journalist,
has two obsessions:
her mother and
Dracula. She has writ-
ten a memoir, Grand:
Becoming my mother’s daughter, in which
both characters flounce across the pages,
one with fangs wearing a cape, the other,
also with fangs, wearing, on occasion, a
pumpkin head.
You can have fangs and a mad sense of
M CCARTHY FAMILY COLLECTION
humour. The latter was Mammy, Caroline,
and she died two years ago. Years ago,
when I last interviewed McCarthy, she
told me some funny Mammy stories and
showed me, on her phone, a picture of
Mammy at home in Cork, Ireland, wearing
said pumpkin head. It wasn’t Halloween.
She had bought a job lot of dress-up cos-
tumes for €10.
Her mother was a card, a natural
performer, says McCarthy. I already knew
that. So, when I heard she had written a
memoir about her mother – I didn’t then
know about Dracula – I thought: “This’ll
be a cheery read – all jolly Irish japes and
funny Mammy lines and a drink or two
thrown in.” Yet here I am asking a cod-psy-
chology question of the very worst kind:
“Was Mammy her Dracula or was she
her mother’s Dracula?” It is a fairly loopy
question, but you do have to ask because
they did, figuratively and frequently, seem
to suck the very blood from each other’s
souls – if souls have blood. Who knows?
Catholics might. McCarthy is still, mini-
mally, a Catholic. She hasn’t been to Mass
since she went, via Zoom, to her mother’s
funeral. But she still has the prayers,
she says. She does believe in God. She’s
interested in her mother’s relationship
with her beloved Jesus, with Catholicism,
which she says was, oddly, “more elemental
and pagan than you’d think coming from
She “was a werewolf,
the first mouthful
of the first pint of
Carling, all the evil
came out dancing.”
a Catholic. So maybe our gods are actually
quite similar.”
I asked whether she thought Mammy
was in Heaven. “Oh, God, I don’t know
w
where she is!”
One place she is: in McCarthy’s house
in Featherston, in a photo “sitting on
my chest of drawers and I look over at
her. The book arrived last week and I
was showing it to her, you know, ‘Look at
that!’” And she’s saying, ‘How dare you
write that about me!’”
w
Another ludicrous question. One I
ccan’t believe I would ever ask anyone:
““What was it like to bite your mother?”
TThere may have been an expletive
Opposite page, Noelle McCarthy in
Auckland in 2020. Far left, McCarthy as a
baby with her mammy, Caroline, in Cork, at
Easter 1980. Left, first communion day.
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
 REBECCA ZEPHYR THOMAS

26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER 31

 PROFILE

involved in the asking of that question. She
did, after all, bite her mother, more than
once. She pulled her hair. But what was it
like biting somebody?
“Oh, my god. I mean, it was funny
writing these scenes, and through writ-
ing them I was remembering – and the
memory isn’t clear, either. I can’t tell you
actually what it’s like apart from the
remembered physical sensations. Because
those physical fights were so heightened.
We were in a state. I was in a state; she was
in a state. She was drunk. I was prepubes-
cent or pubescent and sort of, you know,
raging, hormonal.”
Rage is contagious. “Oh, I think it was
in our house. I try now as an adult to keep
a lid on it because I think if you let loose,
if you lose your temper, you’re kind of
giving everybody the okay to do it as well.
And usually that means that things are
going to accelerate and get untidy.”
Untidy is one way of putting it. I asked
whether she had ever met anyone else
who had bitten their mother. “Ha, ha, ha.
I’m about to, aren’t I? I imagine. It’s not a
“She was waiting for
us at Cork Airport
in a giant pair of
novelty sunglasses.”
question you really ask.” This is perfectly
reasonable. It is hard to imagine how you
would preface that question: would you
like a nice cup of tea, and by the way, did
you ever bite your mother?
So, there goes the anticipation of the jolly
japes. Her book is about her at-times-toxic
relationship with her mother; her mother’s
Right, the writer and broadcaster
recording a podcast. Far right, reunited
with Caroline, in Cork, in 2018.
by a friend, “your tits were out”. She had
tackled another girl, broken her shoe and
pulled a table down on top of them both.
She tried to “get off ” with another friend’s
boyfriend. “I’ve put something bad in
myself and I don’t know how long it will
take to leave me,” she writes in the book.
Decades, as it turned out.
Her mother would tell her that she was
surely going to Hell. She did. She found
it, as her mother had before her, in the
bottoms of endless glasses. They were
both so angry at the world. I have said that
she was the eldest child, which is sort of
right and at the same time not at all right.
Mammy had two children – a girl who was
adopted out and a boy who died after just
11 days – before she had Noelle and her
three siblings.
She had been bundled away to the nuns
to have the girl, far from Cork, so that
nobody would know she was pregnant. remotely interested in meeting them.
That was her shame and her rage, which “At my wedding, she was deeply out of
she only ever spoke about when she was her element. She’s in a foreign country.
trolleyed. In turn, McCarthy raged back. She didn’t know any of those people.
She stopped the biting and the hair pull-
ing and instead stopped speaking to her.
And my life in New Zealand was very
much a distant thing for her and it wasn’t
She can’t pinpoint the exact moment but real, really. And she wasn’t very sociable
thinks it was probably when her mother at the best of times. She’d be fine in the
phoned the mother of a friend and told her pub with her friends, but an event like
that the girls were out taking acid. They that would have been very stressful for
were 12 years old. her and she just didn’t pretend.”
Silence is just another expression She stuck it out for a bit, then demanded
of rage. They left notes for each other. that John go and get her some fags.
Dinner was provided on trays and the kids McCarthy was furious with her at the
ate in their bedrooms. A note might read: time. But her mother was already begin-
DON’T PUT “SALT” ON THIS IT HAS SALT ning to become ill with the cancer that
ALREADY. would kill her, and death can blunt the
edges of fury. Now, she says, “I’m so glad she

D
at-times-toxic relationship with her eldest id she invent that funny, perform- went and I’m glad we have photographs.”
child; their own always-toxic relationships ing Mammy because that was the

with the demon drink. All of these relation-
ships were, obviously, linked.
Her mother, she writes in Grand, “was
a werewolf, the first mouthful of the first
pint of Carling, all the evil came out danc-
ing. Her face would change, but subtly; her
eyes would brighten and her nose would
lengthen. Everything about her became
wilder and sharper and more alert.” And,
“the first time I see that cartoon of the
scientist drinking from a glowing beaker,
changing instantly into something hairy
REBECCA M CMILLAN
Mammy she wanted her to be? “I
think so. But she was funny.” The first time
she met McCarthy’s husband, the former
professional rugby player John Daniell,
she was waiting outside the arrivals at
Cork Airport in a giant pair of novelty
sunglasses with a disposable camera in
her hand to capture his expression.
There was that Mammy, then, and the
other Mammy who met her friends for
the first time at her wedding to John,
the father of their baby, Eve, in France
S
he has not written her own hagiogra-
phy. It is all in there. The fighting and
the biting. The passing-out outside
an apartment that wasn’t hers, next to a
sad frozen lasagne and some pie crumbs.
The public humiliations, such as a picture
of a drunken crime ending up in a tawdry
tittle-tattle column in a newspaper. The
hangovers.
Years later, she would be having a melt-
down over a column she was supposed
to be writing from Fashion Week. Her

and bulging, it’s Mammy I think of.” in 2018. They thought they would be laptop was stuffed. She writes in Grand:
She might be writing about her future meeting a character from a novel by Irish “You could probably get a drink out of that
self, the drinking self. The teenage self writer Marian Keyes. Instead, they met a keyboard by now, if you were desperate.
who got so drunk she was told the next day lemon-lipped, sullen woman who wasn’t I’ve spilt that much red wine on it.”

32 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022


We began our conversation with the
best hangover scene ever written. It’s
in Kingsley Amis’ Lucky Jim, where Jim
goes drunkenly to bed at his professor’s
house and wakes to find that “his mouth
had been used as a latrine by some small
creature of the night, and then as its
mausoleum”. Also, he has, somehow, in the
night, burnt the bedclothes and a “valua-
ble-looking rug” with a cigarette he has no
memory of smoking.
She said: “Oh. My. God. The misery. The
misery.”
The book is so drink-sodden you can
smell the booze sweating out of the pages.
Reading it is like spending a night in a pub
with sticky beer-soaked carpet.
When McCarthy gave up drinking in
2009, she was, she writes, “as raw as a
rubbed eyelid”.
Her book is as raw as a rubbed eyelid. It
is also very funny, because Mammy could
be very funny and alcoholism is not the
only trait her daughter has inherited. If
she had known, she writes, wryly, that that
gin and tonic at 2am would turn out to be
her last drink, she’d have put ice in it.
This is what she misses about drinking:
“I miss the ease that came with the first
one, that spreading comfort, and the feel-
ing of finally relaxing into my skin. I miss
oblivion sometimes; it’s wearying, feeling
things as they come.”
I’m glad she’s shed her life of the misery,
because she is so clever and such fun and so
funny. I miss her on RNZ. She doesn’t know
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
why she is no longer on the wireless. She
hung on to her job through the drinking
years, turning up hung-over and sleep
deprived. She was publicly humiliated for
befuddled episodes of plagiarism. Then she
got sober and responsible and grown up.
Then, just like that, she got the chop. “Well,
that was the irony.”
A
sked to describe the house she
grew up in, she emails: “Semi-
detached, three-bedroom house,
stairs off the hall in front of the front
door. Pebble-dashed front with a bay
window and a couple of fake Tudor
standing carriage lamps either side of the
driveway. Oh, and because my dad was a
plumber, me and my sister had a sink in
our bedroom, which was extremely fancy.
We used to cover it with extremely non-
hypoallergenic scented soap sets.”
There were also relatives on Mass cards
on top of the telly, and a “respectable
number” of Jesus pictures.
Now she is a country girl. That is a sen-
tence that is impossible to write without a
raised eyebrow. She and John and four-and-
a-half-year-old Eve live in Featherston, in a
pretty cottage. I asked how countrified she
was now and she said: “I have gumboots.”
Hmm. She no doubt wears these gum-
boots with her favoured floaty city-girl
Miss Crabb frocks and her bright-red
lipstick, I said. I was joking, but also
remembering the time she came to visit
me in the country. I took her outside in her
floaty frock to feed apples to the sheep. A
sheep approached – from the other side of
the fence – and she shrieked and threw the
tub of apples in the air.
She actually does wear her frocks with
her gumboots and floats out to feed the
neighbour’s chickens. This is perfectly
sensible. “Everybody thinks that my
clothes are so fashion,” she says. “Silk is
one of the most hard-wearing materials
you can possibly have. It barely stains; it’s
warm, it’s cool. So my Crabb is perfect. I
wear it picking plums.”
So the short answer is that she’s not one
bit countrified. She sent me a picture of
a lamb she saw on a footpath while going
out for a run. She captioned it: “Sinister”.
She kept her distance. “I just think they’re
unpredictable.” They’re not bloody wolves.
“I try and give them a respectful berth.”
I love the idea of her in her frocks,
happy, feeding chickens and picking
plums in the country. Her book is happy in
the end, too, and it made me cry. I emailed
a staircase thought: does she believe in
redemption?
“It just gave me a
broader context to put
it in, her humanity, my
humanity, all that.”
She replied: “I hope it is a redemp-
tion story. One of the things I was sort of
negotiating, writing the book, was what
happened between my mother and I at the
end of the story, and whether it was pos-
sible that those few days in Ireland threw
everything that came before them – all
the years of my life – into new relief. And
without wanting to minimise or flatten the
complexity and difficulties and straight-
up painfulness of our relationship before
then, it did change things.”
She went to Ireland to say goodbye to her
mother, devoid of hope that there could be
anything meaningful or restorative still to
play out between them. Without giving too
much away, she was wrong.
“It didn’t cancel out everything that
came before it, but it just gave me a
M CCARTHY FAMILY COLLECTION
broader context to put it in ... I don’t really
understand it, that’s why in the book I call
it a mystery, but I did feel it, and it was a
comfort and a revelation to me.” l
Grand: Becoming my mother’s daughter,
by Noelle McCarthy (Penguin Books, $35).
33
 OPINION
The SECOND
COMING He may be a very naughty boy,
y, but British
comedian Ricky Gervais may also be
the messiah, writes Stan Stewart.
wart.
T
he notion
that Jesus will
return soon –
any moment
– is a common
phenomenon.
It is a hot
topic among Christians, church-
going or not. Muslims from all
branches of Islam also expect
the return of Jesus, whom they
regard as a prophet. For instance,
the belief in the imminent return
I wonder how Gervais would
feel if he learnt I think he is
Jesus. Cover blown, maybe!
of Jesus is a driver for Islamic
State and the Taliban. And for
Christian preachers who believe
they can predict and package it
right, it is the source of a billion-
dollar industry.
But in my view, all the above
is misguided. Jesus has already
come back – and his name is
Ricky Gervais. To understand
how I have come to this con-
clusion, think back on how
Jesus arrived the first time. An
unwed, pregnant teenage girl
gives birth in an animal shed
– similar in our day to giving
birth in a refugee camp. The
only people who were informed
of this event were smelly, unedu-
GETTY IMAGES
cated shepherds and some
mystics (the Wise Men) from
another country and religion.
34
The first coming of Jesusus was
a complete surprise. The same
is true of his second. Certainly,
ainly,
the religious establishment,
nt, be
it church or mosque, will prob-
ably be the last to know. It is
my good fortune or gift to o rec-
ognise that Jesus has already
ady
come. He is here in the most
ost
unlikely person – Gervais. s.
How do I know this?
Gervais’ fame and
fortune are partly based
on shocking and insulting g
people – cringe comedy. His
stand-up shows rely heavilyvily
on smut. But this is just a
front, a disguise. It is not
who Gervais really is.
Actually, his sexual
humour does not affect
me. Almost 70 years ago,
I heard and saw the same
jokes and sexual pan-
tomime. At 15, I was an
apprentice electrician in a
large workshop with about ut
100 tradesmen in Yallourn, n,
in the Australian state of
Victoria. They were buildingding
a new power station and most
came from countries shatteredttered
by World War II. In the teameam I
was part of, there were English
nglish
tradesmen and their assistants,
stants,
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
who had no qualifications and
few skills.
Two of the trades assis-
tants were middle-aged men
from Liverpool, one of the
most heavily bombed cities
of World War II. They took
great pleasure in “educating”
the blond, blue-eyed, church-
attending, innocent Aussie
teen (me). They regaled me
with details of all manner of
sexual exploits, some of which
I had never heard of. The more
they shocked
me, the more they
laughed. Gervais
has a similar
laugh in his stand-
up shows when
he details and acts
out sexual themes
before American
audiences, about
half of whom are
likely to be church
attendees.
I now realise Gervais’
sexual bravado, particularly
in his stand-up routines, is a
smokescreen. Certainly, he
wishes to get these subjects
out into the open, but it is
not where his heart is. I first
twigged to this when I watched
his sitcom Derek.
My daughter Michelle, now
deceased, was disabled, and
had many disabled friends.
This has made me sensitive
to the aspirations and gifts of
individuals who through birth
or accident are different than
the norm.
Although Gervais had
included his shock-jock sex
sequences in the show, I
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
re
realised that Derek was about And they can participate in insisted they were right and
more than this. The show has
m this life-giving task of showing set themselves up as judges of
heart. It is about real people,
h kindness and sharing hope others. He saw worth in people
with real insecurities and
w with others. These simple who could see none in them-
problems. It shows that kind-
p things create “aliveness” for selves. This is the way Gervais
ness and caring for others
n the giver and the receiver. thinks. Here are the themes of
bring hope to everyone — the
b That was Jesus’ core mes- his sitcoms.
giver and the receiver.
g sage. He talked about forming I have been wondering how
circles of friendship where Gervais would feel if he learnt
R
eluctantly, I started the chief ingredients would be that I think he is Jesus. Cover
to watch After Life. support and acceptance. He blown, maybe! Probably not.
The theme of losing a never talked about forming From some of his interviews,
b
beloved spouse was perti-
n
nent to me, as a young friend
h become a widow tragi-
had
c
cally and believed there was
n
nothing worth living for. But
th Netflix series, which the
this
st
streaming service says is its
m
most-watched British comedy
w 100 million views, proved
with
to be potentially life-changing.
C
Certainly, gross sexuality is
sc
scattered through the series.
B there is so much more.
But
L
Like on a roller-coaster ride,
y are taken from disgust to
you
h
hope and joy.
For instance, when my wife
a I were watching one epi-
and
so she yelled at me, “Turn
sode,
it off ! I am not watching this
filth.” I didn’t turn it off. Ten
m
minutes later, I was silently
w
weeping. So was she. Our tears
w
were tears of joy. How is it Torn apart: Kerry
p
possible that this sitcom could Godliman and Ricky
Gervais as devoted
m
move us so deeply? couple Tony and Lisa
It is because Gervais has the Johnson in After Life.
h
heart of Jesus. He wrote every an organisation. I get the sense he
w
word of the script and chose Around the world, churches already knows who he is. Obvi-
a the music. Through the epi-
all that claim to be directly ously, he would shrug off the
so
sodes, he reveals that we are all descended from him and in suggestion with a curse. But
v
vulnerable, and loneliness and daily contact with him have like it or not, he has had great-
d
despair are never far away for amassed vast real estate hold- ness thrust upon him. That’s
a of us: the rich and famous,
any ings. Their wealth, power and your lot, Ricky. Suck it up!
th addicted, the homeless, the
the holiness hierarchy simply do Here’s another unsettling
re
rejected and the ordinary are not fit with Jesus’ narratives. thought. What if Jesus comes
a in the same boat.
all Jesus refused to acknow- back not just in Gervais, but
The show makes the point ledge racial, religious and in many people? What if this
th our sense of aliveness and
that cultural boundaries. He spoke caring-and-sharing thing is
o
optimism does not depend on freely to women (forbidden catching? Suppose there were
g
good fortune, good looks or by culture and religion at that others who did not judge by
in
intellectual capacity. We can time), including those with bad class, race, creed, appearance
a come to life through the
all reputations. He said welcom- or language? That could birth
th
thoughtfulness and kindness ing children was the key to hope in a gloomy world. This
o other people. And every one
of establishing a better world. He is a something worth watch-
o us can participate in this life
of attended many parties with ing for. l
-t
-transforming enterprise. people considered to be the
The nearly dead can live lowlifes of his day. He judged After Life (three seasons) is
– again, or for the first time. no one except those who streaming on Netflix NZ.
35
 LIFE
HEALTH
by Ni
b Nicky
k Pellegrino
P ll

Nut a
problem
Exposing children to allergenic
food at a very early age may
help them avoid developing
dietary intolerances that
can be a lifetime scourge.

F
ood allergies have been on the rise in
developed countries over the past few
decades and rates of hospitalisation
for food-related anaphylaxis have
risen steeply to match. The root cause
is believed to be improved hygiene practices, which
have restricted our exposure to microbes in our
environment. Those exposures, particularly in
gestation and early life, are key to establishing the
intestinal microbiota – the trillions
of tiny organisms in our gut
– and consequently program-
ming the immune response
and influencing our risk of
developing an allergy.
“Obviously we needed to
improve sanitation to stop
GETTY IMAGES
Desensitisation, using
immunotherapy,
offers some hope
in the future.
and typhoid, but doing so has come
with a drawback,” says Professor
Mimi Tang, an expert in allergic and
immune responses from Melbourne’s
Murdoch Children’s Research Insti-
ttute. “That drawback is the breadth
of bacteria and other micro-organ-
isms
i that we’re exposed to has
shrunk.”
s But then studies using mice began to
fresh fruit, vegetables and fish oils.
And there may be a relationship with
UV exposure – the closer you live to
the equator, the lower your likelihood
of allergy problems.
In the 1990s, most guidelines
recommended not feeding highly
allergenic foods, such as peanuts,
to children aged under three to
protect them from developing an
allergy. “The thinking was that the
gut barrier is less mature in infants
than adults,” explains Tang. “So, by
not exposing young children to these
allergenic foods we would avoid a
negative response.”

diseases such as cholera Changing diets probably play suggest this was the wrong approach
a part, too, with processed foods and that, in fact, you need to repeat-
Professor Mimi Tang replacing microbiome-friendly edly expose a young child’s immune

36 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022


system to an antigen so their system
can learn to tolerate it.
O ne influential 2008 British
study compared peanut
allergy rates among Israeli
children and Jewish children living
in the UK. The Israeli kids, who
began eating peanut-containing
foods as early as four months, had
far lower rates than the UK-based
kids who had practised allergen
avoidance. And in 2015, the LEAP
study found that the introduction
of peanuts into an infant’s diet prior
to 11 months reduced the prevalence
of peanut allergy by 70-80%.
Tang led the development of
new guidelines in Australasia,
removing the advice to delay
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
consumption of potential allergens, and
instead recommending they be introduced
alongside a variety of other solid foods.
She and her team have also tracked rates
of hospitalisation in Australia for food
anaphylaxis, a severe and potentially life-
threatening allergic reaction. They have
found that in children under 15 – those
who will have benefited from the updated
guidelines – the rate of increase in serious
allergic reactions to food has flattened.
“Half the children reach
remission after 18 months
and there’s a very
significant improvement
in quality of life.”
Although Tang is excited by this evidence that
we are on the right track, there are still a lot of
people out there with allergies to foods such as
peanuts, milk, egg, seafood, tree nuts and wheat.
Desensitisation, using immunotherapy, offers
some hope in the future. Tang is working on
a remission treatment for peanut allergy that
involves giving children a very low daily dose
of the allergen and increasing it on a fortnightly
basis until they reach the full dose, which they
remain on for 18 months. She has also been
testing this approach alongside a probiotic.
“In both cases, half the children reach remis-
sion after 18 months and there’s a very significant
improvement in quality of life,” she says. “It has
worked better with children aged one to five in
our study, compared with those aged six to 10,
and we think that is related to the fact that the
immune system is more pliable in the first years
of life and more open to retraining.”
It is too early to say if this offers a long-term
cure for peanut allergy, and the children will
still have to carry an Epi-Pen (an auto-injector
device containing a dose of adrenaline to
quickly treat anaphylaxis).
But Tang is hopeful that immunotherapy
will be a game changer for children living
with the burden of a food allergy.
“It’s an incessant grind
for people having to
avoid allergens –
not being able to
go to a restaurant,
and not being able
to travel due to the
fear of accidentally
consuming the food they
are allergic to,” she says. l
HEALTH BRIEFS
COVID COGNITIVE DECLINE
Covid-19 patients over 60 who
caught the virus in Wuhan early in
the pandemic have higher rates of
cognitive decline, according to a
study published in JAMA Neurology,
comparing them with their unin-
fected spouses. Chinese researchers
recruited 1438 early Covid-19
patients and 438 uninfected people
to undergo cognitive testing after
six months and then a year. Those
who had Covid-19 had lower scores
than their uninfected counter-
parts, and those who had severe
cases scored lower than those
who suffered a milder infection.
PROOF IN THE POO
Testing the microbes in poo could
help diagnose pancreatic cancer
earlier, and in a less invasive way,
say researchers from the European
Molecular Biology Laboratory in
Germany. The team examined the
microbes in faeces from people
with pancreatic cancer, pancreatitis
and no pancreatic disease, and
found those with cancer had a
distinct faeces profile. Researchers
say they were able to use machine
learning to pick up pancreatic
cancer with 84% accuracy among
a small group of patients, which
became 94% accurate when
combined with a blood test.
NIGHT SHIFT BRAIN FOG
Shift work has well-documented
links to serious health issues due
to body clock disruption, and now
research published in Occupational
& Environmental Medicine
shows it may affect higher
brain functions, too. A review
of 18 previous studies of shift
workers found a link with
poorer working memory and
slower mental processing speed,
a
as well as impaired alertness, visual
ffocus, impulse control and
ssituational responses. The
A
Austrian researchers
suggest measures
such as naps and
GETTY IMAGES
regular monitor-
iing could help
avoid accidents.
37
 LIFE
NUTRITION
by Jennifer Bowden

Bigger
than our
bellies
Sharing those
supersized cafe meals
or taking surplus food
home will help avoid
food waste – but make sure
you store any leftovers safely.

Question. conform to external pressures such

I rarely eat in cafes any more because food intended as
a snack is generally the size of a whole meal, and I don’t
want to substitute dinner for a muffin the size of a baby’s
head. As a result, I’m often faint with hunger but can find
nothing to eat. I’m not zealous about diet, calories, etc.
I simply cannot absorb that quantity of food! And what
do people feed small children when they take them out?
Answer:
We ignore our body’s as parents, peers, and food compa-
nies, who all have an opinion about
gut sensors and how much children should eat.
hormones that signal Thus, we grow up to become adults
our brain to trigger who ignore our body’s magnificent
machinery, including gut sensors
feelings of fullness. and hormones that signal our brain
to trigger feelings of fullness and
reduce the sensory appeal of the food

C
onsumers can often end up stuck
between a rock and a hard place when
dining out and considering food
waste. With ever-larger food servings
now the norm in cafes, restaurants
and takeaways, consumers must juggle the com-
peting priorities of honouring their health and
appetite versus not wasting food by leaving it
uneaten. So, what do we do?
Our priority should always be to
GETTY IMAGES
hungry, stop when you feel full.
Studies have consistently shown
that children can self-regulate their
energy intake. So, when eating a
high-energy meal, they tend to eat a
smaller quantity, and when eating
a low-energy meal, they eat a
llarger portion.
Of course, as chil-
dren grow up, that
we’re eating. Have you ever noticed
how your meal no longer smells or
tastes as good when you’re feeling
fuller? That is your body gently
encouraging you to stop eating.
Of course, it can be hard to honour
that fantastic system when we’re faced
with an oversized muffin or plate of
food when dining out.
However, you’re not alone in this

honour the signals our body incredible ability battle, so here are a few tools I’ve
sends us about our hunger to self-regulate developed to deal with our world of
and fullness. Eat when weakens
w as they oversized portions:

38 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022


If enough of us keep
asking for half-
serves, perhaps
more cafes will start
offering them.
Sharing is caring – if you’re dining
with someone else, such as a family
member, it can be a great idea
to split a snack or meal in half –
whether that’s an oversized muffin
or a serving of eggs Benedict.
Save half for later – purchase an
item to dine in but with the express
intention of saving half of it to take
home. Ask the cafe staff for a paper
bag, and then you can cut that giant
muffin in half, bag half for later,
and enjoy the first half in the cafe.
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
Foods usually considered as potentially
hazardous when stored in the
temperature danger zone (5-60°C) are:
Raw meats, cooked meats and food
containing meat, such as casseroles,
curries, lasagne and meat pies.
Dairy products and foods containing dairy
products, such as milk, cream, custard and
dairy-based desserts.
Seafood (excluding live seafood) and food
containing seafood, such as seafood salad.
Processed fruits and vegetables, such as
prepared salads and ready-to-eat fruit
packs.
Cooked rice and pasta.
Processed foods containing eggs, beans,
nuts, or other protein-rich food, such as
quiche and soya bean products.
Food such as sandwiches, rice salads and
pasta salads containing any of the above
ingredients.
If kept in the temperature danger zone:
Between 0-2 hours – use the food now or
store at or below 5°C or above 60°C for
future use.
Between 2-4 hours – the food must be
eaten immediately. It cannot be stored in
the refrigerator for future use.
More than 4 hours – it must be discarded
and not eaten.
Ask for a half-sized serving – some cafes and
restaurants now offer half-sized servings but
they don’t always advertise them on the menu,
so ask at the counter. For example, my local
café offers a half-serve of eggs Benedict with
one egg, a couple of rashers of bacon and a
small potato rosti. If enough of us keep asking
for half-serves, perhaps more cafes will start
offering them, too.
The other option is to order food and take
your leftovers home. But do keep in mind the
total amount of time your leftovers are sitting
at your table unrefrigerated. A temperature
“danger zone” exists between 5-60°C (which
includes room temperature), within which
it is easy for harmful bacteria to grow
in certain foods (see panel). The goal is to
minimise the amount of time these
foods spend at room temperature.
So, although a berry muffin is safe
sitting at room temperature for
hours, a chicken pasta dish is not.
Check out the guidelines for food
storage to make sure your leftovers
are safe to eat later. l
Email your nutrition
questions to listenerlife
@aremedia.co.nz
NUTRITION BITES
NOT EATING THEIR GREENS
Food waste is a significant issue,
particularly because it contributes
to climate change through the
wasted resources of water, land
and energy. New research pub-
lished in the International Journal
of Gastronomy and Food Science
assessed the amount of food waste
in restaurants and which customers
were most likely to waste food. A
survey of 565 Turkish restaurant-
goers determined the average
plate waste was 5% of the total food
served. Women were less likely to
waste vegetables than men, 26- to
35-year-olds were less likely to
waste meat, and those who dined
with friends wasted less pastry than
those dining with a partner.
MS AND DAIRY PRODUCTS
Dairy products may exacerbate
the symptoms of patients with
multiple sclerosis, says new
research published in the journal
PNAS. MS patients have long noted
that they experience more severe
disease symptoms after consum-
ing dairy products. Researchers
at the Universities of Bonn and
Erlangen-Nuremberg believe they
have found a possible cause for
this – a protein in cow’s milk can
trigger inflammation that targets
the “insulating layer” around nerve
cells. While the study demon-
strated this link in mice, evidence
of a similar mechanism exists in
humans. So researchers have
recommended that certain MS
patients avoid dairy products.
MALE ATHLETES WANTED
M
Massey University’s School of
S
Sport , Exercise and Nutrition
is investigating whether
a blackcurrant juice
a caffeine combi-
and
nation will benefit
sports performance in
m athletes. They are
male
looking to recruit male
athletes based in Auckland,
aged 18-45, to par-
ticipate in the study.
Contact Darrien
GETTY IMAGES
Holten at: D.Holten@
massey.ac.nz for
f
further information.
39
 LIFE
FOOD

MELTING POT
Katerina Nitsou explores the flavours of Balkan cuisine, a unique
culinary tradition combining Ottoman and Western influences.

T
hese fish skewers are inspired by the
street vendors of Macedonia’s lakeside
villages and towns. You will need 8 -10
metal or pre-soaked bamboo skewers
(soak the skewers for 20 minutes).
GRILLED MARINATED FISH SKEWERS
(MARINARANA RIBA NA SKARA)
1 garlic clove
6g fresh mint
6g fresh parsley
OLIVER FITZGERALD
900g firm white fish fillets, such
as hāpuku, bluenose or alfonsino,
cutinto 2.5cm chunks
1 medium red onion, cut into
2.5cm pieces
In a blender, purée the garlic, mint,
parsley, salt, black pepper, olive oil
and lemon juice to make a marinade.
Place the fish in a large bowl. Pour
the marinade over the fish and gently
fish and 2 pieces of onion on to each
skewer.
Heat a grill pan or grill to medium-
high heat. Grill the fish for 3 to 4
minutes on each side until golden
brown and cooked through. Serve
immediately.
Serves 4-6.
ALMOND COOKIES (BADEM KOLATSI)
3 eggs

1 tsp sea salt toss to coat. Refrigerate for 1 hour to 200g sugar
½ tsp freshly ground black pepper marinate. 1 tsp vanilla extract
60ml extra-virgin olive oil Remove the fish from the refrigera- 1 cup vegetable oil, plus extra for
juice of ½ lemon tor and alternately thread 3 pieces of greasing

40 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

375g plain flour, sifted
2 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
½ tsp sea salt
140g flaked almonds, toasted
Preheat the oven to 180°C. Grease 2
large baking sheets with vegetable oil.
Using a stand mixer fitted with a
paddle attachment, or in a large bowl
with a hand mixer, whisk the eggs.
Pour in the sugar, vanilla and oil. Mix
at medium speed for 2 minutes.
In a separate bowl, mix the flour,
baking powder, baking soda and salt.
With the mixer running at medium
speed, gradually mix the dry ingredi-
ents into the wet ingredients. Mix just
until fully incorporated and a dough
forms. Using a spatula, gently fold in
100g of the almonds.
Drop the dough on to the greased
baking sheets in 2-tablespoon-sized
portions, spacing them about 5cm
apart (they will spread). Carefully
sprinkle a few sliced almonds over
each cookie and press them gently
into the dough.
Bake for 20-22 minutes until the
edges are golden brown. (Bake in
batches if your oven can’t fit both
baking sheets at once.)
Makes about 24.
PEAR STRUDEL (SHTRUDLA SO KRUSHI)
DOUGH
375g plain flour, sifted, plus extra
for dusting
225g cold unsalted butter, grated
120ml sour cream
1 egg yolk
1 whole egg, beaten, for egg wash
FILLING
60g unsalted butter
1 tbsp flour
60ml brandy
70g light brown sugar
40g chopped dried apricots
30g chopped walnuts
1 tsp cinnamon
½ tsp sea salt
3 -4 medium ripe pears, peeled
cored and diced
1 tbsp lemon juice
In a large bowl, use your fingers
to mix the flour and butter until it
looks like coarse breadcrumbs. Use a
spatula to fold in the sour cream and
egg yolk. Lightly dust your work sur-
face with flour and knead the mixture
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
From top, stuffed chicken with leeks
and cheese; almond cookies; pear
strudel. Opposite page, grilled
marinated fish skewers.
just until it comes together smoothly.
Be careful not to overwork the dough.
Flatten the dough into a rectangle
about 13cm x 25cm. Tightly wrap the
dough in cling film and refrigerate
for at least 2 hours or overnight.
When the dough has been chilled,
preheat the oven to 180°C. Line a large
baking sheet with baking paper.
Make the filling: in a large sauté
pan, melt the butter over medium
heat. Slowly mix in the flour and
stir until you have a roux. Add the
brandy, sugar, apricots, walnuts,
cinnamon and salt, and stir until the sugar
dissolves. Fold in the pears, and simmer over
medium heat for 5 minutes. Remove from the
heat and add the lemon juice. Set aside to cool.
On a lightly floured surface, roll the dough into
a rectangle 30cm x 40cm and 6mm thick. Brush
the top of the dough with some of the egg wash.
Place the filling in a thick line down the centre of
the rectangle. Fold each side of the dough over the
filling, making sure the dough overlaps to create a
seal. Carefully flip the strudel over and place it on
the baking sheet, seam-side down. Cut slits into the
top of the dough about 2.5cm apart and brush the
dough with the remaining egg wash.
Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until golden brown.
Serves 10-12.
STUFFED CHICKEN WITH LEEKS AND CHEESE
(PILESHKO POLNETO SO PRAZ I SIRENJE)
4 skin-on boneless chicken breasts
½ tsp sea salt
¼ tsp paprika
15g unsalted butter
1 tsp vegetable oil
FILLING
15g unsalted butter
2 large leeks (white and light green parts only), diced
1½ tsp sea salt
¼ tsp paprika
1 tsp fresh thyme
60g ricotta cheese
40g grated feta cheese
Preheat the oven to 200°C. Line a baking sheet with
baking paper. Carefully slice the chicken halfway
through the breast to create a pocket.
Make the filling: in a large sauté pan, melt the
butter over medium heat. Add the leeks, salt,
paprika and thyme. Sauté until tender, 3-4 minutes.
Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, mix the ricotta and
feta. Once the leeks are cooked, fold them into the
cheese mixture and set aside.
Stuff each chicken breast pocket with a heaped
spoonful of filling. Use a toothpick to seal the open-
ings. Season on both sides with the salt and paprika.
In a large sauté pan, melt the butter over high
heat and add the vegetable oil. Place the chicken
breasts (skin-side down) into the pan and sear for
3-4 minutes until golden brown. Then flip and sear
the other side for 3-4 minutes.
Transfer the breasts to the baking sheet (skin-
side up) and roast for 10-12
minutes until fully cooked.
Carefully remove the tooth-
picks just before serving.
Serves 4. l
This is an edited extract from
OLIVER FITZGERALD
MACEDONIA THE COOKBOOK:
Recipes & stories from the
Balkans, by Katerina Nitsou
(Kitchen Press, $49.99).
41
 LIFE
WINE
by Michael Cooper

White
magic
New Zealand chardonnays
can command lofty prices,
but there are also many fine
offerings that won’t break
the bank.

S
auvignon blanc and
pinot gris are hugely
popular, but our
most prestigious
white-wine variety
is chardonnay. No other dry
whites can command such
lofty prices – many New
Zealand chardonnays are on
the shelves at $50 or more.
The good news is that many
mid-priced labels, in the $20
GETTY IMAGES
fore, and complexity from
being fermented and matured
in oak barrels. These wines are
typically most enjoyable after
a year or two of bottle age.
Babich Irongate Chardonnay 2019
Babich’s flagship chardonnay
is hand-picked in the Irongate
Vineyard, in the Gimblett
Gravels, and barrel-fermented.
flavours, finely integrated
oak adding complexity
and a very harmonious,
persistent finish. $35
Brightwater Vineyards Lord
Rutherford Barrique Nelson
Chardonnay 2020
Already delicious, this
estate-grown wine was hand-
harvested from mature vines,
then fermented and matured
has strong, ripe stone-fruit
flavours, complex and savoury,
gentle acidity and a rounded,
harmonious, lasting finish. $40
Brookfields Bergman Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2020
Grown alongside the winery at
Meeanee, this wine was mostly
fermented and matured in
French and American oak
barriques. Weighty and

to $25 category, are satisfy- Bright, light lemon/green, this in French oak hogsheads (40% generous, it has ripe, peachy
ingly full-bodied, with rich, fragrant, weighty wine has new). Invitingly fragrant, flavours, slightly toasty and
vibrant fruit flavours to the deep grapefruit and peach full-bodied and fleshy, it buttery notes and a smooth

42 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

finish. Enjoyable young,
it offers good value. $21
Carrick Organic Bannockburn
Central Otago Chardonnay 2020
Certified organic, this hand-
harvested wine was fermented
and matured for more than a
year in French oak barriques
(15% new). Light gold, it is
mouthfilling, with youthful
peachy flavours, showing good
intensity and vigour, finely
integrated oak, steely acid-
ity and a crisp, dry, lingering
finish. $36
Church Road Tom
Chardonnay 2020
This is the pin-
nacle of Church
Road’s Hawke’s Bay
chardonnays – as
its price conveys.
Grown in the Tuki
Tuki Valley, it
was hand-picked,
then fermented
and aged on its yeast lees in
French oak barriques (19%
new). Highly fragrant, weighty
and deep, it has vibrant,
concentrated citrus and stone-
fruit flavours with a gentle
seasoning of oak. Delicate
and complex, it’s a wine of
great finesse that should
flourish for a decade. $150
Dog Point Vineyard Marlborough
Chardonnay 2019
This classy wine was estate-
grown and hand-harvested on
the south side of the Wairau
Valley, then fermented and
matured for 18 months in
French oak barriques (10%
new). Fragrant and full-bodied,
it is still very youthful, with
fresh, concentrated, ripe stone-
fruit flavours, hints of toast
and butterscotch, lively acidity
and impressive vigour and
length. Certified organic. $40
Dry River Martinborough
Chardonnay 2020
Elegance and subtle power
are the key qualities of this
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
classic wine. From mature,
low-cropping vines, it is
fermented and matured in
French oak hogsheads (with
a low proportion of new
casks – 15% in 2020). Already
approachable, it is mouthfill-
ing, with fresh, concentrated,
well-ripened citrus and stone-
fruit flavours, cool-climate
vibrancy, finely integrated
oak, lively acidity and obvi-
ous cellaring potential. $70
Elephant Hill Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2019
This “lightly oaked” style
was mostly estate-grown at
Te Awanga and matured in a
mix of French oak casks and
tanks. Bright, light lemon/
green, it is full-bodied, with
generous, peachy, slightly
toasty flavours, fresh acidity
and good complexity. It’s
drinking well now. $28
Esk Valley Artisanal
Collection Hawke’s
Bay Chardonnay 2021
Offering very good
value, this finely
balanced wine
was fermented
in French oak
barriques.
Mouthfilling and
vibrant, it has deep,
youthful, grapefruit-like
flavours, a hint of apples, and
a slightly creamy, lingering
finish. Subtle and savoury, it’s
delicious young. $25
Felton Road Block 2 Central Otago
Chardonnay 2020
This typically outstanding
Bannockburn wine is grown
in a special part of The Elms
Vineyard in front of the
winery, which has the oldest
vines. Matured for 16 months
in seasoned French oak barrels
and bottled unfined and
unfiltered, it is concentrated
and finely poised, with
grapefruit and peach flavours,
well-integrated oak, cool-
climate vigour and a lasting
finish. Best drinking 2024+. $66
Greywacke Marlborough
Chardonnay 2018
Delicious now but also very
ageworthy, this wine was
hand-picked mostly in the
Brancott Valley and fermented
and matured for 18 months
in French oak barriques (20%
new). Fragrant, with a slightly
smoky bouquet, it is mouth-
filling, with concentrated
stone-fruit flavours, finely
balanced oak adding complex-
ity and a very harmonious,
well-rounded finish. $43
Hunter’s Marlborough
Chardonnay 2020
This impressive,
youthful wine
was grown in
the Rapaura and
Omaka districts,
barrel-fermented
and oak-aged for
a year. Mouthfill-
ing, generous and
savoury, it has strong, ripe,
peachy, citrusy flavours, a
subtle seasoning of oak, very
good complexity and a finely
textured, harmonious finish.
Fine value. $25
Lawson’s Dry Hills Marlborough
Chardonnay 2021
An excellent drink-young
style, this wine was crafted
to showcase its fresh, vibrant
fruit flavours (30% of the
blend was fermented in old
oak barrels). It is full-bodied
and lively, with strong,
peachy, citrusy flavours,
balanced acidity and a
dry, lengthy finish. $20
Leveret Estate
Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2020
Priced right,
this wine was
fermented and
lees-aged for a
year in French oak
barrels (20% new).
A powerful wine,
it is full-bodied,
with generous,
ripe stone-fruit flavours and
buttery, toasty notes adding
complexity. Made in a “full-on”
style, it’s a drink-now or
cellaring proposition. $22
Luna Eclipse Martinborough
Chardonnay 2020
Hand-harvested from mature
vines on the Martinborough
Terrace, this wine was
fermented and aged for
nearly a year in French oak
puncheons, then matured
for a further nine months
on its yeast lees in tanks.
Mouthfilling, with generous,
ripe peachy flavours, finely
integrated oak adding
complexity, gentle acidity
and a well-rounded finish,
it’s already delicious. $40
Mahi Alchemy Single Vineyard
Marlborough Chardonnay 2019
Full of personality, this wine
was grown at Rapaura, hand-
picked, then fermented and
matured for 15 months in
French oak barriques. Bright,
light-gold with a complex,
slightly smoky bouquet, it is
full-bodied, with concentrated
stone-fruit flavours, rich and
savoury, and a crisp, dry, per-
sistent finish. $39
Main Divide North Canterbury
Chardonnay 2020
Priced sharply, this Waipara
wine was fermented and
lees-aged in French oak
barrels (10% new). Bright, light-
yellow, it is mouthfilling and
generous, with vibrant stone-
fruit flavours, fresh acidity
and considerable complexity.
(From Pegasus Bay.) $21
Martinborough Vineyard Home
Block Chardonnay 2020
Still very youthful, this wine
was fermented and aged
for a year in French oak
barriques (24% new). Full-
bodied and vibrantly fruity,
it has strong, ripe stone-fruit
flavours, seasoned with
biscuity, nutty oak, and a
slightly creamy texture. $40
43
 LIFE
Mills Reef Bespoke
Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2020
“Sumptuously soft
and opulent”, this
single-vineyard
wine was matured
in French oak
casks (50% new).
Mouthfilling and
fleshy, with gener-
ous stone fruit and
toasty oak flavours, gentle
acidity and a seductively
smooth finish, it’s already
drinking well. $30
Neudorf Rosie’s Block Moutere
Chardonnay 2020
From vines planted in 1999 at
Upper Moutere, this classy,
youthful wine was hand-
harvested and fermented
and matured for a year in
French oak barrels (18% new).
Refined and ageworthy, it
is fragrant, with incisive,
citrusy, peachy, slightly
GETTY IMAGES
biscuity flavours, fresh
acidity and a lingering finish.
Best drinking 2024+. $45
44
On Giants’ Shoulders
Martinborough Chardonnay
2020
This classy, single-vineyard
wine is youthful, but already
delicious. Fragrant and full-
bodied, it has rich, vibrant,
well-ripened stone-fruit
flavours, slightly toasty notes
adding complexity, balanced
acidity and a long finish. $40
Riverby Estate Marlborough
Chardonnay 2019
Estate-grown and fermented
in French oak casks (30% new),
this single-vineyard wine has
a fragrant, slightly buttery
and mealy bouquet. Medium
to full-bodied, it has very
good depth of peachy, citrusy
flavours, fresh acidity and
savoury notes adding good
complexity. (12.5% alc/vol) $28
Rock Ferry 3rd Rock
Marlborough Chardonnay 2019
Certified organic, this
pale-gold Rapaura wine was
estate-grown, hand-picked
and fermented and matured
for 11 months in
seasoned oak
barriques. Full-
bodied and fleshy,
it is a generous,
savoury wine with
ripe stone-fruit
flavours, integrated
toasty oak, fresh
acidity and loads of
current-drinking
appeal. $45
Saint Clair Origin Marlborough
Chardonnay 2019
Drinking well now, this fruit-
driven wine was grown in the
Wairau Valley and fermented
in a mix of tanks and French
and American oak barrels.
Mouthfilling, it offers very
good depth of peachy, slightly
toasty flavours, moderate
complexity, gentle acidity and
a finely balanced, dry finish. $22
Seresin Marlborough Chardonnay
2021
This organically certified
wine is made to “focus on the
textural element of the palate
rather than emphasising
primary fruit characters”.
Estate-grown in the Omaka
Valley, it was hand-harvested,
and fermented and matured
in French oak casks (20%
new). Fragrant, full-bodied,
sweet-fruited and smooth, it
has generous, ripe stone-fruit
flavours, showing very good
complexity and harmony,
and a slightly creamy texture.
Already drinking well, it
should be at its best 2023+. $25
Stonecroft Gimblett Gravels
Hawke’s Bay Chardonnay 2021
Organically certified, this
wine was hand-picked in the
estate’s vineyards at Roy’s Hill
and Mere Road and fermented
and matured for seven months
in French oak barriques (20%
new). It is a weighty, sweet-
fruited wine, with generous,
ripe fruit flavours showing
very good richness, complex-
ity and harmony and a smooth
finish. Delicious young. $27
Te Mata Estate Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2021
This good-value wine is
estate-grown in the Dartmoor
Valley, the Bridge Pā Trian-
gle and at Havelock North.
Fermented and lees-aged in
tanks and seasoned French
oak barrels, it is mouthfilling
and vibrantly fruity, with
strong peach and grapefruit
flavours, vaguely creamy
notes, a hint of butterscotch,
balanced acidity and good har-
mony. Delicious young. $22
Tony Bish Skeetfield Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2020
If you like powerful, bold,
savoury chardonnays, try this.
Hand-picked from mature
vines, it was fermented
and matured in French
oak barrels. Sturdy, with a
fragrant, toasty bouquet (60%
new oak), it has rich, ripe
stone-fruit flavours, balanced
acidity and a complex, finely
textured, lasting finish. Best
drinking 2025+. $70
Trinity Hill Hawke’s Bay
Chardonnay 2021
Already very enjoyable, this
wine was grown mostly in
the Gimblett Gravels and
at Haumoana. Fermented
in tanks and French oak
puncheons, it is mouthfilling,
with rich, vibrant stone-fruit
flavours, slightly toasty
and mealy notes adding
complexity, fresh acidity and
a crisp, fully dry finish. Best
drinking mid-2023+. $25
Villa Maria Cellar Selection
Hawke’s Bay Chardonnay 2020
A great buy, this attractive
wine was fermented and
matured in French oak
casks (17% new). Fragrant
and full-bodied, it has ripe
stone-fruit flavours, well-
integrated oak, a vague hint
of butterscotch, fresh acidity,
and excellent depth. $18 l
(Note: all wines are 13-14% alc/
vol, unless stated otherwise.)
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
PSYCHOLOGY
by Marc Wilson
Mirror, mirror
Positive thinking and self-affirmations
are good strategies at times, but striving
for happiness is a doomed enterprise.
I
have a picture of Cave Johnson
on my wall, engraved with one
of his better-known quotes:
“Science is not about why, but
why not?” I can even turn on
the movement sensor in the frame
and it will shout random Cave Johnson
affirmations at passers-by in a voice
that sounds a lot like that of JK Sim-
mons. One of these is the famous “If
life gives you lemons, don’t make lem-
onade …” speech, which is a doozy.
Don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard
of Cave Johnson – he’s a fictional
character from a well-known
computer game, Portal 2. There are
lots of memes of Johnson’s sayings,
but the satirical lemons speech is the
most popular – an anti-stoic call to
stand up when bad stuff happens,
and many people find it bizarrely
motivating.
Advice columnists might think
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
of “lemons” as a kind of affirmation
– a bit like Bruce Willis’ cameo on
Friends where he stands in front of
a mirror telling himself that he is “a
neat guy”.
Self-affirmations are statements in
which we affirm our value or compe-
tence and that guard against negative
self-talk. Although I have to admit
to some cynicism when I started
researching the practice, there is now
a significant body of research to say
that they are useful – under some
circumstances. That is to say,
if you’re about to head into
a test on a topic that you
objectively know you’ve
studied, but that little
mental voice is telling
Vulcan twist: even Mr Spock
couldn’t resist the truisms
of “Desiderata”.
you you’re going to mess up, reminding yourself
that you’re good at this stuff can, and does, improve
performance. This is because such affirmations
reinforce what Stanford University professor
Claude Steele calls our self-integrity – our holistic
sense of competence. When our self-integrity is
threatened, we tend to respond defensively rather
than usefully, but pre-affirmation tends to lead to
more positive responding.
Even in situations where we
think we want advice, we still
tend to be more confident
in our own expertise.
I ronically, though advice columns have been a
part of our print and now online media for at
least 300 years, research shows we tend not to
follow advice when we receive it – even when we
asked for that advice. This “advice discounting”
appears to happen because, even in situations
where we think we want advice, we still tend to be
more confident in our own expertise and knowl-
edge than that of others – particularly when the
advice we receive goes against our own inner voice.
But there’s a big industry around affirmation
and advice. Take “Desiderata”, a poem by American
writer Max Ehrmann. I hadn’t actually heard of
“Desiderata” until Jim Mora mentioned it on his
RNZ show. It was written nearly a century ago and
made into a song by American talk-show host Les
Crane in 1971. Wikipedia tells me that Leonard
Nimoy also recorded a version under the title
“Spock Thoughts”. The poem has been distributed
in various forms, as part of sermons, in Christmas
cards, and you can buy posters of it. People texted
into Mora’s show to say they try to live their lives by
these words.
What makes it so special? “Desiderata” is a list of
principles to live by and they’re, um, kind of boring.
Which isn’t to say they’re not sensible – they do
make a lot of sense in a kind of “eat your vegetables
and try to get a good night’s sleep” way.
The only part of the poem I don’t subscribe to is
the last line – “Strive to be happy”. I don’t buy this
because, in a time when happiness is commodified
and required, research shows that people who
consciously and intensely strive to be happy end
up less happy – just as research shows that
people who have the most ambitious plans
for New Year’s Eve tend to be less happy
than those with less fancy expectations.
This paradox occurs because we’re more
frequently comparing our goal happiness
with our actual happiness, and getting
GETTY IMAGES
unhappy because we’re not as happy as
we want to be! Ironically, then, strive for
happiness by not striving for happiness. l
45
 LIFE
SCIENCE
by Bob Brockie
Rewriting
history
DNA techniques have made
the story of humanity more
complex and interesting.
N
ew DNA techniques
enable geneticists to
rewrite big chunks of
human history, which
were previously
known only from bones, artefacts and
written records.
Swedish geneticist Svante Pääbo
has been at the forefront of this
research. In 1997, he led a team that
sequenced the first mitochondrial
DNA (inherited from the mother)
from a Neanderthal fossil. Later, he
led another team that sequenced
nuclear DNA (inherited from both
parents) from a bone excavated in
2008 in Denisova Cave in the Altai
Mountains in southern Siberia. This
work identified a group of extinct
humans known as “Denisovans”.
From DNA, it’s possible to map the
westward spread of Denisovans
to Indonesia, Australia and Fiji.
Modern humans migrated out
of Africa and into Europe about
60,000 years ago, and DNA shows
ALAMY
that the three species of humanity
– Neanderthals, Denisovans and
46
Homo sapiens – interbred. The DNA of
one remarkable fossil shows a hybrid
girl, nicknamed Denny, whose father
was a Denisovan and whose mother
was a Neanderthal. Traces of Nean-
derthal DNA persist in about 2% of
modern Europeans and, presumably,
in a tiny number of New Zealanders.
A recent study covering Indonesia
and New Guinea revealed that the
Denisovans comprised at least three
genetically divergent groups, and
more species of humanity may yet be
discovered.
U
ntil recently, ancient native
Americans were thought
to be of exclusively Asian
origin, having migrated across what
is now the Bering Strait into Alaska.
Ancient DNA now reveals
A some features (haplotypes) match those in French
Australasians or Papua
A Polynesia, it is likely that they also brought their
New Guineans must also
N South American DNA to Aotearoa in the 1300s.
Svante Pääbo: at the forefront
of genetic research. Above,
an illustration of a girl who is
the offspring of a Neanderthal
mother and Denisovan father.
have found their way into the Americas. Whether
it’s a coincidence or some unrealised genetic link
between the Americas and Australasia remains a
mystery.
CT scans and DNA tests on 11 New Kingdom
Egyptian mummies have sorted family connections
between five generations of Tutankhamun’s line-
age. Ramesses III was assassinated and DNA shows
another mummy found in his same cache was the
body of Pentawere, his son and chief architect in the
pharaoh’s murder. Pentawere’s body was covered in
ritually impure goat skin – supposedly to embarrass
him in the afterworld.
Māori may carry traces
of South American DNA.
In 2016, University of York archaeological scientists
used cutting-edge genome technology to examine
seven Roman-age skeletons from an ancient cemetery
in which many of the bodies had been decapitated.
Thought to be either gladiators, soldiers or criminals,
one was of Middle Eastern origin, attesting to the
cosmopolitan nature of the Roman Empire.
DNA has revealed some fascinating details of
Māori history. The trail appears to begin in Taiwan,
before picking up some DNA in Indonesia and Mela-
nesia, then reaching the Pacific. But two Victoria
University of Wellington molecular biologists found
that as Māori ancestors migrated from one group
of islands to the next, men from Melanesian com-
munities joined the boats, changing the genetic mix
and leading to differences that are observed in the
genetic make-up of modern Māori.
In addition, Māori may carry traces of South
American DNA. Scientist Alexander Ioannidis and
his colleagues at Stanford University, California,
analysed the DNA of 807 people from 17 Pacific
island and 15 Pacific coast Native American groups.
In about 1200AD, Ioannidis says, “our analyses sug-
gest strongly that a single contact event occurred in
eastern Polynesia, before the settlement of Rapa Nui,
between Polynesian individuals and a Native Ameri-
can group most closely related to the indigenous
inhabitants of present-day Colombia”.
These ocean voyagers then sailed to Hawaii,
Easter Island and many other Pacific islands, taking
their South American DNA with them. But Ioannidis
can’t say if they brought American DNA to New Zea-
land because he couldn’t lay his hands on any Māori
DNA. However, because distinctive Māori chromo-
The new DNA methods give us direct connections
with our long-dead forebears and enrich our history
of migrations and racial admixtures. It’s a paradox,
but the further we go into the future, the more we
learn about our distant past. l
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
 NOTICEBOARD

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BOOKS

48 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

SWIMMING
UPSTREAM Acclaimed author Lloyd Jones explores ideas of alienation,
othering and familial shame in his latest novel. by SUE ORR
THE FISH, by Lloyd Jones (Penguin, $36)
Do many readers notice a novel’s epigraph?
Other writers and reviewers tend to check
it out – it’s pithy and usually intellectual,
handy for the “famous quotes” folder. It also
offers a glimpse of how the author would
like us to think about their work, a signpost
guiding us on to a path through a dense
forest of story, should we need it.
Acclaimed New Zealand writer Lloyd
Jones has chosen a quote by Polish-
American poet Czesław Miłosz to open his
latest novel, The Fish. “When a writer is
born into a family, the family is finished.” I
found myself leaning heavily into it while
reading The Fish. By the end, I’d enjoyed
the journey very much, but also found
myself curious about what was off the
beaten track.
The Fish, set mostly in 1950s and 60s
New Zealand, tells the story of a young
woman giving birth to a creature that
is part boy and part fish. It has gills, a
broad gulping mouth, rubbery lips and
boggling eyes. It has small arms and legs
protruding from a body that smells like
… fish. It can hold its breath under water
indefinitely, which leads to disaster for
its grandfather when they go swimming
together. Its mother has named it Colin
Montgomery, after the grandfather. But
the unnamed narrator – the fish-child’s
uncle – rarely calls it anything other than
“it” or “the Fish”.
Through the eyes of the narrator – who
is now a late-middle-aged man writing this
story – we watch the Fish grow up. The
dysfunctional family slowly collapses as
Lloyd Jones: pitch perfect.
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
the weight of both protecting and being
ashamed of the creature becomes too
heavy a burden to bear. Jones showcased
his mastery of restrained prose in his last
novel, The Cage. Here, again, his tone is
pitch perfect.
It’s also a gripping, unputdownable
yarn, with characters that are complex
and flawed – just how we like them. The
Fish’s unnamed mother – a mentally
I wanted desperately
to feel what the Fish
felt – I wanted to
inhabit his body, his
mind, his heart.
unwell ship prostitute – is an enigma.
The writing is lyrical, often poetic, with
imagery so vivid I’m already visualising
the movie.
The ending, located in a real 1960s New
Zealand tragedy, is brilliantly drawn and
especially poignant. But it’s also the first
moment in the book where I felt intensely
for Colin Montgomery – an empathy that I
realised I’d been waiting for throughout.
I’m well capable of suspending disbe-
lief in the service of empathy. I was right
there, for example, with Gregor Samsa, in
Kafka’s salesman-turned-cockroach tale
Metamorphosis, as he struggled to get out
of bed. In the same way, I wanted desper-
ately to feel what the Fish felt – I wanted
to inhabit his body, his mind, his heart.
But because the narrator is in competition
with the Fish for both his family’s and the
reader’s attention – because the story-
telling is embedded for the most part in
his youthful solipsism – we are kept at
a distance.
There are clues, on page four, that we
should think of the Fish as a metaphor for
those that are different, struggling to find
their way in places that refuse to accept
them. We see our Fish in new migrants as
they adjust to new neighbourhoods, com-
munities and careers.
I was primed, then, to inhabit the Fish’s
metaphoric experience of alienation. But
the story’s energy never detaches from
the narrator’s ego, which itself is influ-
enced by all the preoccupations of a boy
turning into a young, then older, man:
sexual voyeurism (shades of Maurice Gee),
actual sex, school, university, life.
The Fish can speak, and we learn, early
on, that he wants to be a train driver. But
from then on, he remains a creature with-
out agency, to whom things happen, to
whom words are spoken, for whom words
are spoken and for whom decisions are
made by others.
Perhaps this is the point of the novel: the
perpetual lack of agency of those destined
to remain othered in a world where differ-
ence is barely tolerated,
let alone embraced.
Miłosz’s words
allude to the writer’s
compulsion to tell all,
family sensitivities be
damned. This narrator
has certainly told his
truth – I’d love to read
his nephew’s as well. l
49
BOOKS
MORAL HAZARDS
A friendship unravels with devastating consequences in a thought-
provoking drama that takes on both sides of the vaccination debate.
by CATRIONA FERGUSON
THE HERD, by Emily Edwards (Bantam,
$37)
With memories of the occupation of
Parliament’s grounds, which was driven
by anti-vax sentiment, still fresh in our
minds, no one needs reminding that vacci-
nation remains a hot topic. But well before
Covid turned the noise up to 11, the vacci-
nation of children was already a matter of
sometimes heated debate between parents
the world over.
In The Herd, debut novelist Emily
Edwards jumps into the fray and gives it
the Jodi Picoult treatment: take a highly
topical moral dilemma, drop it into a
50
domestic setting, then observe closely as
it makes or breaks the existing order of
relationships between family and friends.
To vax, or not to vax – the question is
dissected through the lives of two wildly
different friends, Elizabeth and Bry. Eliza-
beth is a former solicitor who’s married to
practical, hard-working Jack. She bustles
around her three children and busies
herself with community activism. Bry is
a scatty would-be yoga teacher, married
to the self-made Ash and barely capable
of getting her only child out the door in
time for preschool. Elizabeth and Bry have
different financial pressures, parenting
priorities and lifestyle choices but have
maintained a close friendship for more
than 20 years, carefully side-stepping any
incompatible issues – “like respectful war-
riors, [they] put their swords down and
quietly backed away from each other”.
However, when we first encounter
Elizabeth and Bry, their friendship has
already ruptured and they are sitting on
opposite sides of a court dispute, distant
and stony-faced. Edwards interweaves
the court scenes with Elizabeth and
Bry’s happier times as neighbours in the
English village of Farley, sharing glasses of
sancerre and school pick-ups.
The unravelling begins when Elizabeth
sends out an invitation to her daughter
Clemmie’s seventh birthday party. For
legitimate medical reasons, Clemmie isn’t
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

Careful characterisations: Emily Edwards.
vaccinated, and so, with an abundance
of caution, Elizabeth and Jack make
it clear unvaccinated children aren’t
welcome. Once the metaphorical hand
grenade has been lobbed towards their
friends and neighbours, the repercus-
sions start to play out and it becomes
clear that Elizabeth and Bry can no
longer simply “put down their swords”.
The Herd comes into its own when
its gaze is resting on Elizabeth and Bry.
Their friendship may be based on the
When we first meet
Elizabeth and Bry, their
friendship has already
ruptured and they are
sitting on opposite sides
of a court dispute.
fact that they’re both so irksome nobody
else wants to socialise with them, and as a
reader it can be a challenge to spend too
much time with disagreeable characters,
but it’s a testament to Edwards’ careful
characterisations that we continue to
care about them and their relationship
despite their very obvious flaws.
The book is less successful in the
sections about the court case, where
Edwards attempts to give voice to a
myriad different characters, each with
their own, often bizarre, take on events.
Providing balance and perspective is
one thing, but this is a distraction from
Elizabeth and Bry’s central story.
These reservations aside, The Herd is
largely effective at laying out the nuances
of the vaccination debate, bringing
emotional heft to the discussion and
exploring the way humans balance their
individual desires against their societal
responsibilities. Family background,
life experience and
emotional vulnera-
bilities all contribute
to specific choices
and the novel quietly
acknowledges that
things are rarely
as black and white
as they might first
seem. l
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
Books of My Life
Fiona
Kidman
From Stephanie Johnson’s
humour to Anne Enright’s
profound The Green Road.
My earliest reading memory
My childhood was spent on farms and
animals were my companions. I would
read to my calves and talk to the farm
dogs. I don’t recall the books before
AA Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh. Pooh
and Eeyore and Piglet were imaginary
animals but their lives pulsated with
real-life drama and I loved them.
The book that made me want to be a
writer
When I was 22 and expecting my first
child, I was politely told to go home and
knit booties rather than show myself
at the boys’ high school where I had
worked as a librarian. Every afternoon
as I “put my feet up” I listened to Nelle
Scanlan’s Pencarrow series, dramatised
on radio. These were stories about coun-
try women with whom I could I identify.
I thought that if Scanlan could do this,
I could, too. I began my first novel
(although I didn’t have one published
for another 17 years). Not long after this,
I became a radio dramatist myself and
wrote radio theatre for many years.
The last book that made me laugh
Everything Changes, by Stephanie
Johnson. A couple buy a rundown motel
at the top of the Brynderwyn Hills and
their bumbling efforts to run it, and
unpredictable guests, made me sob with
wild laughter.
The last book that made me cry
I love so many Irish writers and most
of their books can make me cry. Anne
Enright’s The Green Road is one. When
the matriarch of the story is found lost
in the dark by her family, I knew I had
come across a profound metaphor for
old age. A beautiful book.
My comfort read
For decades, I followed the works of
French writer Marguerite Duras. In my
own new book, So Far For Now, I have
written a homage to her influence and
the crazy ways I have followed her path
through Asia and small towns in France.
Her novels are sexy, her thinking left
wing, her life seemingly dangerous. But
it’s a little book of her essays called Prac-
ticalities that I return to over and again.
She made food shopping lists: I buy
much the same for dinner as she did.
The book I'm reading right now
I met up with Carl Nixon in the south of
France in 2018 after he was awarded the
Katherine Mansfield Menton Fellow-
ship. He was writing the subsequently
acclaimed suspense
novel The Tally Stick. I
am just starting it. l
Dame Fiona Kidman’s
new volume of
memoir, SO FAR FOR
GETTY IMAGES
NOW (RHNZ Vintage,
$38), is published on
March 29.
51
 BOOKS

Sweet
sorrows
A continent-hopping
debut novel explores
the lives of a Caribbean-
American family.

by CHERYL PEARL SUCHER

BLACK CAKE, by Charmaine Wilkerson

(Michael Joseph, $37)
In times of great migrations from
oppressed homelands, refugees are often
forced to flee with only what they can
carry on their backs. What are never
left behind, however, are the sensual
evocations of ancestral comforts: native
melodies, family anecdotes, memorised
landscapes, regional dialects and the
aroma of beloved meals cooked using
improvised recipes passed down through
generations. Like Proust’s madeleines,
these memories can recreate lost
universes and ease the pain of forced
separations.
Years ago, while researching women’s
survival under Nazi occupation, I dis-
covered the book In Memory’s Kitchen, a
reproduction of a catalogue of recipes for
beloved Czech dishes written by starving
women during their incarceration in the
ghetto/concentration camp of Terezín.
The act of writing down these ingredients but also an emotional one. the eponymous dense confection, similar
and their preparation sustained these In Charmaine Wilkerson’s sprawling to Christmas pudding but composed of
women. Food was a physical sustenance and captivating first novel, Black Cake, blackened sugar and dried fruits soaked

Light in the by JUDITH BARAGWANATH

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR NAME, by

Tatiana was six and Andra just four.
Usually at this death factory children
were sent straight to the gas chambers.

darkness Andra and Tatiana Bucci (Allen & Unwin,

$32.99)
They don’t know the exact date they
were arrested, but some time in early
A chilling Auschwitz 1944, Andra and Tatiana Bucci, along
memoir with with their mother and five family
members, were taken from their home
that most rare of in the port city of Fiume (now known as
ROCHELLE CHEEVER
But, for reasons unknown, the Italian
sisters escaped selection. Separated
from their beloved mother, they began
an utterly wretched existence in the
Kinderblock, the happy hunting ground
for Josef Mengele and his grotesque
medical experiments – a place where
children were taken away by grown-ups

ingredients – a Rijeka), on the eastern coast of the Adri-

atic Sea, which was under the control
in white coats and never seen again.
“Our life in the camp,” write the Bucci
happy ending. of Nazi Germany, and transported by
truck and train to Auschwitz-Birkenau.
sisters, “was punctuated by an alterna-
tion of fear and terror. And yet even in

52 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

Charmaine Wilkerson: a sprawling and
captivating first novel.
in rum and port, is both the talisman and
leitmotif bringing together the myriad
historical threads of the Bennetts, a
Caribbean family whose past has been
severed by loss, tragedy, stubbornness,
courage, secrets, racial and sexual vio-
lence and reinvention.
The story begins with the death of the
matriarch, Eleanor Bennett, whose final
wish, conveyed through her attorney
and friend Mr Charles March, is for her
The novel resembles
the composition of the
cake – its ingredients
drawn together
with sensitivity and
intuitive measure.
estranged children – her son Byron,
a renowned ocean scientist, and her
daughter, Benedetta “Benny”, who has led
a peripatetic artistic existence – to come
together in their childhood California
home and listen to her final confession
while sitting down together to share the
black cake she has left in the freezer for
“when the time is right”.
On hearing the voice of her mother,
whom she has not seen for many years,
Benny remembers how her mother
showed her how to make the iconic cake,
“island food … your heritage”. It evoked
visions of her parents’ childhood homes,
“mangroves: low, verdant clumps of life
rooted in … intertidal zones where fresh
water mixed with seawater, where the
these situations children manage to
find the resources to construct an intel-
ligible universe around themselves. It’s
what happened to us, when, to combat
the fear, we immersed ourselves in the
absurd daily life of Birkenau, trying by
that means to survive.”
They survived by sticking together
“like a stamp to a postcard”, playing
outside amid “pyramids of corpses”
waiting to be collected each day.
When liberation came 10 months
later, on January 27, 1945 – a date they
remember well – it came in the form of
a Russian soldier offering them slices
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
roots were both hardy and vulnerable,
where both sea and land creatures made
their homes. Where nothing was any one
thing but, rather, a little bit of everything.
Kind of like Benny.”
This memory brings her emotions to
the surface as she and her brother are
finally able to accept one another and
absorb the facts of their mother’s aston-
ishing final confession.
In so many ways, the construction of
this novel resembles the composition of
the cake – its long-fermented ingredients
drawn together with sensitivity and
intuitive measure to create a splendid
concoction not unlike the family’s native
Jamaican patois. What is a conventional
family saga is written in very unconven-
tional staccato chapters named for their
central event or character, moving back
and forth in time and across oceans and
worlds. Remarkably, this unconventional
structure doesn’t prove confusing, as
the rich voices of the characters and
the extraordinary tales they tell stay
the course.
Like Christmas cake, parts of the story
might be a little rich for the palette.
Even the minor characters’ histories
are told in full, and, periodically, it felt
as if the author was digressing to give
educational lessons on racial strife. The
cake metaphor is also occasionally over-
done. But the Bennett women’s plucky
bravery and complex,
often heartbreak-
ing tales are finally
braided into a novel
that you can escape
into. It’s a fascinat-
ing concoction, with
important historical
resonance and layers
of delight. l
of salami. They were free, but alone.
Their mother, who told them to “always
remember your name”, was probably
dead.
Then, against impossible odds in
this dark chapter
in world history,
miracles happened.
Always Remember
Your Name is a haunt-
ing shared memoir
of human resilience
and belonging with
an uplifting, happy
ending. l
Search for
a lost soul
One man’s story of
loss and survival in
the hostile outback.
by JUDITH BARAGWANATH
MISSING, by Tom Patterson (Allen &
Unwin, $36.99)
Mark May appeared to have it all. In 1972,
he was 18 and wildly intelligent, with a
scholarship to study law at university.
Yet, from the get-go, something appeared
amiss.
He lived with his rigidly Catholic
church-going parents and six brothers in
Armidale, New South Wales, but from a
young age his life was troubled. He was
better than good looking, which attracted
unwanted attention.
At 13, he was sexually assaulted by
another boy, and two years later by a
local man, which drew his father’s ire.
He accused his son of being flirtatious,
insinuating that he was possibly gay. This
left May confused, resentful, humiliated
– and angry. When he bought a pair of
flares, all the rage at the time, his father
went ballistic, telling him that he’d look
like “those drug-smoking, pacifist, homo-
sexual, free-loving hippies”.
May developed sleep issues; he was
prescribed antidepressants and then
Mogadon. Then Mandrax. At university,
away from home, his drug use accelerated:
weed, mushrooms. acid, heroin. He robbed
pharmacies, went to jail for a while – and
then he disappeared.
In Missing, Australian author and
family friend Tom Patterson pieces
together what happened next, with the aid
of May’s found 400,000-word unpublished
memoir. May went bush, for decades, in
extremely rugged, hostile terrain where
wild dogs and dingoes
would kill and eat a man
while the crows and
hawks waited for the
scraps.
Missing is a spare, bril-
liantly written true story
of endurance and survival
– the life and strange
times of a man alone. l
53
 BOOKS
Lifelong desire
Respecting artist as poet. Representative but not
photographic, his distinctive paint-
ings decorate many pages. They do not
the world comment directly on the accompanying
poems, but they do create a mood of
respect for the world as we should see
it. The world may be unstable. Running
A buoyant braiding through the text, a thread of prose state-
of art and verse, an ments tells us of earthquakes, and the
poem “A genealogy” defines us as “genes,
image snowstorm cells, chromosomes, DNA / rattling like
and a late debut. heirlooms on an unstable / mantelpiece”.
But we can still rejoice in this world.
Sometimes O’Brien can be jocular, as in
by NICHOLAS REID “Sombreria”, about a hat store in San-
tiago. More forcefully, he provides his
HOUSE & CONTENTS, by Gregory O’Brien own spiritual perspective when he gives
GETTY IMAGES
(AUP, $29.99) personality to things as in “House”, “Ode
In his latest collection Gregory O’Brien to the water molecule” and especially
once again shows that he is as much his masterwork “Conversation with a
54
mid-Canterbury braided river”. A buoy-
ant and heartening collection.
SUPER MODEL MINORITY, by Chris Tse
(AUP, $24.99)
Chris Tse’s latest collection is part raw
polemic and part self-definition. In his
two earlier books, the New Zealand-born
poet of Chinese ethnicity wrote about
Kiwi racial prejudice and his coming
out as gay. These two themes, racism
and sexuality, are the essence of Super
Model Minority. As he says in his poem
“Mike & Karl & Duncan & Martin”, he
feels “strapped to a torture rack because
no one trusts a gaysian / with a Kiwi
accent and a creative writing degree”.
But this sense of vulnerability doesn’t
mean self-pity. In the second section of
this collection, “Vexillology”, he uses
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

Edmund White
tackles ageing and
decline with his
trademark wit.
by ANDREW PAUL WOOD
A PREVIOUS LIFE, by Edmund White
(Bloomsbury, $32.99)
The way Edmund White, American doyen
of gay letters, has excavated his life for
his fiction over the past 50 years invites
comparisons to our own Janet Frame. The
parallel ends there. Where Frame borders
on asexual, the stuff of White’s novels is
desire and sexuality in all its bewildering
variety.
White’s sparkling quasi-autobio-
graphical trilogy A Boy’s Own Story, The
Beautiful Room is Empty and The Farewell
Symphony, unapologetically charted gay
life from an awkward coming of age in the
1950s through the cultural death rattle of
New York in the 1970s to the Aids crisis of
the 1980s.
These were followed up with (cough)
straight autobiography: City Boy, Inside a
Pearl and the luridly sadomasochistic My
Lives. In A Previous Life, White’s latest, he
returns to fiction, but with the inclusion
of an author avatar named “Edmund
White” whose kinks are familiar from My
Lives.
Framed in a classic Decameron-cum-
Scheherazade-esque conceit, the novel
opens in an isolated Swiss chalet in the
year 2050 with stories within a story. The
the colours of the LGBT Pride flag to
delineate ideas of hope and stability.
The third section, “Poetry to make boys
cry”, draws very much on memories of
adolescence, parents’ and relations’ reac-
tions to his emerging gayness, clubbing
and fumbled affairs. Yet it doesn’t stay in
retrospection as Tse moves on to what
are almost metaphysical concerns. Are
we really controlled by our ethnic past?
What makes an acceptable human being
anyway? A snowstorm of extravagant
and complex imagery blasts through
every one of Tse’s poems.
FORMICA, by Maggie Rainey-Smith
(The Cuba Press, $25)
Formica is Maggie Rainey-Smith’s first
collection of poetry, extraordinary in
that she is an established novelist and
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
elderly, dissipated but still attrac-
tive musician and Sicilian noble
Ruggero, also White, is recovering
from a skiing accident.
He and his 40-years-younger
African-American wife, Constance,
decide to entertain each other
by writing down, swapping and
reading aloud the escapades of
their sexual history “in an edi-
tion of one, for each other’s eyes
alone”. Ruggero narrates in first
person, Constance in third, with the
thoughts of the other intruding as
commentary.
Ruggero’s braggadocious, priapic,
pansexual litany of conquests contrasts
with Constance’s tale of being orphaned,
her relationships with older men, of one
abusive marriage and another love-
less one as beard to a closeted would-be
Proust who appears to be modelled on a
character recycled from City Boy.
The first part of the book seems a post-
modern take on the 18th-century ribald
and picaresque Bildungsroman: think
Fanny Hill, Tom Jones, Tristram Shandy.
But as this is a White novel, the other
dalliances are stripped away to get to the
marrow, a young Ruggero’s complicated
and ultimately destructive fling with the
octogenarian fictional White, through an
email parody of the epistolary novel.
Although one of the main themes of
A Previous Life is ageing and decline, it’s
quite clear that White’s mind is as sharp
and wicked as ever. It’s a wonderfully com- much egotism and so
plex metafiction of Chinese boxes: elegant, little reciprocal curios-
experimental, pornographic, irreverent,
essayist now in her seventies. Is this a
work of nostalgia? Only in part. True,
Rainey-Smith does devote poems to good
things she experienced in the 1950s and
60s: mother’s cooking, radio serials,
old-time courtship in a fairground and
matinee movies. But there’s a dark side
to the past – the “murder house” for rot-
ting death; Dad’s erratic behaviour as a
former POW suffering a form of PTSD;
the furtiveness about
sex and extramarital
affairs; and menstrua-
tion taught as something
shameful. Even given all
this, though, Rainey-
Smith is astute at telling
later generations not
to be patronising. The
title poem “Formica”
Poetry
Near Doctor’s Point
by Vincent O’Sullivan
A day goes near perfect as morning makes it.
A black dog flaring a white beach.
A paddock of broom bends the skyline yellow.
A bull bulks the slope from a creek.
The surf’s molten bar, the inlet’s
placid reach. A sea lion cruises twenty
yards off shore, wheels its mirrored sleekness
north. Two surfers rise in the distance,
carry their boards as if loot from flooded
chapels. Our minds for once unbothered
at being minds. Tides haul swathes of light,
late, westing. Dark calls it a day.
perverse, queer and hilarious. This is an
established genius who has nothing left
to prove except that the mature still have
much to contribute on the subject of sex.
In a not entirely believable twist,
sidelined Constance, dissatisfied with the
portrayal of the affair in White’s biogra-
phy, writes her own. This forms the book’s
final chapters, researched from White’s
archives at Princeton (where they are in
the real world, too).
Devotion to her husband, yes, but why
should she care about a man long dead
before they even met?
She writes of Rug-
gero’s abandonment
of fictional White for
a younger lover: “Poor
Edmund should have
been worried by so
ity.” l
challenges us to see how important now-
obsolete appliances and fixtures were to
families decades ago – not something to be
sneered at. In later poems, Rainey-Smith
gives a very cool assessment of what it is
to grow old. And she knows the reality
of the present. As her poem “Changing
course” says, “All my secret roads are gone
and our river’s changed course.” Remem-
ber the past, but don’t live in it. l
55
DIVERSIONS
BRIDGE by David Bird
NORTH further nine tricks in trumps, cross-ruffing
♠ A 10 3 to score each trump separately, this will
♥ AK8654 bring the total to 12. You ruff the club lead
♦ J 10 8 5 with dummy’s five and cash the A-K of
♣— hearts, throwing a spade from your hand.
WEST EAST After playing the ace of spades, you ruff
♠ K8754 ♠ QJ9 a spade in your hand with the two. West
follows when you lead another club and
♥ J9 ♥ Q 10 7 3
you ruff with dummy’s eight. Another
♦ 9643 ♦ — spade ruff with the seven and the contract
♣97 ♣ A K J 10 4 3 is secure. Nothing can stop you from taking
SOUTH five further ruffs with top trump honours
♠ 62 – a high cross-ruff, as it is called. West can
♥2 hardly be faulted for his club lead, but a
♦ AKQ72 trump lead would have beaten the contract,
♣Q8652 as it happens. You could then score only
eight trump tricks instead of nine. Look at
West North East South website vubridge.com. You can play (free of
— — — 1D charge) a vast number of deals, some from
Pass 1H 2C Pass tournaments and some created by writers,
with comments.
Pass 6D All Pass

North-South were playing Support BIDDING QUIZ

Doubles, so a second-round double from WEST West North East South
South would have shown three-card ♠ K92 — — 1D 3S
heart support; it would not have been for ♥ A3 ?
PRIVACY NOTICE penalties. North opted for a spectacular ♦ A 10 6 5
This issue of NZ Listener is published by
leap to 6D at his second turn, trusting ♣ J975
Are Media Limited (Are Media). Are Media
may use and disclose your information that partner’s trumps would be good. How
in accordance with our Privacy Policy, would you play this contract when West You are vulnerable against non-vulnerable.
including to provide you with your requested leads the nine of clubs? You have three What will you say on the West cards?
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Jeffery Xiong v Parham Maghsoodloo,
contact Are Media’s Privacy Officer either
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American won, but only after his opponent
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56 LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

 QUIZWORD by Alan Shuker
Puzzle No 1641
Clues across
7. Which city is regarded
as the birthplace of
democracy? (6)
8. In 1848, Michael Faraday
gave a series of lectures
about the flame of a what?
(6)
10. What large African black-
and-white carrion-eating
stork is attracted to grass
fires? (7)
11. Which African country was
formerly Gold Coast? (5)
12. The town of Levan, “navel”
spelled backwards, is located
in the middle of which US
state? (4)
13. Associated with drink,
what item was patented by
American Marvin C Stone
in 1888? (5)
17. What is a sharp ridge of ice
on the surface of a glacier?
(5)
18. What is a term of respect for
a Muslim who has made the
pilgrimage to Mecca? (4)
22. What is the offspring of
a male lion and a female
tiger? (5)
23. Geysir, the name of a
particular spring in which
country gave us the word
geyser? (7)
24/25. What is the title of a
Shirley Bassey album of
1968 and a Carly Simon
album of 1992? (4,2,2,4)
Solution 1640 Across: 7 Pumice, 8 Fibula, 10 Axolotl, 11 Fluke, 12 Eric,
13 Ascot, 17 Colby, 18 Huia, 22 Hergé, 23/24 Chicken and egg, 25 Jet set.
Down: 1 L-plates, 2 Ammonia, 3 McCoy, 4 Fiefdom, 5 Buxus, 6 Camel,
9 Flashback, 14 Foreign, 15 Turkish, 16 Magnets, 19 Wheat, 20 Prude,
21 Yikes.
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
Clues down
1. A 2006 sale of seats from
Arsenal FC’s old stadium in
London was cancelled when
traces of what chemical were
discovered in them? (7)
2. Which WWII American
tanks in Paraguay were not
retired until 2018? (7)
3. What are small lumps of
butter? (5)
4. Which guessing game involves
drawing a scaffold? (7)
5/6.In 1870, who painted The
Orchestra at the Opera? (5,5)
9. Which country’s flag has
one five-pointed star and
five seven-pointed stars? (9)
14. Which US state was named
after the king of Britain
when Europeans settled
there in 1733? (7)
15. Neuschwanstein Castle,
the inspiration for Disney’s
Sleeping Beauty Castle, is in
which state of Germany? (7)
16. Which Arthur conducted
the Boston Pops Orchestra
for more than 50 years? (7)
19. What word from Yiddish
describes a clumsy dolt? (5)
20. According to Murdoch
Riley’s Māori Healing and
Herbal, the leaves of which
coastal shrub are a traditional
insect repellent? (5)
21. Ee Mungu Nguvu Yetu is
which country’s national
anthem? (5)
CROSSWORD by David Tossman
Puzzle No 1273
Clues across
1. Hide to show a movie (6)
4. Foul-smelling non-
combatant initially caught
in a sudden attack (6)
8. Why the jaw tautens
distressingly! (7)
9. Plead to carry busted loot as
contraband (7)
11. Intentional debate (10)
12. Sprinkle small particles over
something and remove
them (4)
13. An animal found in parts of
China and in Pennsylvania
(5)
14. What the superintendents
do to forgive mistakes (8)
16. At home with not the
smallest amount of money
and lacking evil intentions
(8)
18. Clearly express one’s feelings
having mislaid the top of the
TV controller (5)
20. An equal in the nobility (4)
21. Being employed in the
drink, drives drunk around
Caribbean island (5,5)
Solution No 1272
23. Fortitude shown way before
docked creature runs back
(7)
24. Ran off in re-tailored toga
with style (3,4)
25. Rodney is drunk over there
(6)
26. Aim for a tall tower (6)
Clues down
1. Chamois leather is said to
have moved back and forth
(5)
2. What the king does about
the French uprising: adjust
again (7)
3. Count composes a mere
tune (9)
5. It’s an advance, I say, being
by myself (5)
6. Keep a strange dialect (7)
7. Healer sees eccentric
catching fish in black tie
perhaps (5,4)
10. A storyteller wandering near
court (9)
13. Use verbal humour in
moderation yet with bite (9)
15. Lovers ate out in small
rooms built so as to avoid
stairs (9)
17. Terrible moaners. You’d
think they were galley slaves.
Perhaps you’re right ... (7)
19. Love to get up before noon.
Then I do paperwork (7)
21. Feel money via the auditory
nerves (5)
22. To make a deletion could
be easier if I were to be
eliminated (5)
57
DIVERSIONS
Fill the grid so that every column, every row
and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9.
818 MEDIUM 629
LAST WEEK’S
SOLUTION
792
1 Place a number from 1 to 9
in each empty box.
2. The sum of each vertical or
horizontal block equals the
number at the top or on the
left of that block.
3. Numbers may be used only
once in each block.
LAST WEEK’S SOLUTION
58
HARD
LAST WEEK’S
SOLUTION
BRIDGE BIDDING QUIZ SOLUTION
Pre-empts make the opponents guess. Here
your best bet is to try 3NT. It is much more
likely that you can make a 9-trick game than
an 11-trick one. A double of 3S is usually
played for take-out. Even if you play it for
penalties, it is not clear that the available
penalty would compensate for your game
chances.
Awards: 3NT – 10, 5D – 7, Double – 5, 4D – 4.
CHESS SOLUTION
1...Nb6! wins for Black as 2 Rxf8 Rxb7 is
followed by e4 and Nc4 when the d3 pawn
is a winning asset. In the game, White tried
2 Qxb6 Qxa8 but the d pawn still soon
advanced.
10 QUICK QUESTIONS ANSWERS
1. Orca.
2. Boreal forest.
3. Mate with queen.
4. True.
5. Policing. The term “Bobbies” derives
from a nickname for Robert Peel.
6. Emma Thompson.
7. The King and I.
8. Bobotie.
9. The minimum purchase age was
reduced from 20 to 18 in 1999.
10. Feilding.
11th QUESTION ANSWER
11. Warm water and a soft brush.
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
LOGIC PUZZLE DRIVE A BARGAIN CLUELESS
Four buyers each purchase a different make of car.
The cars are five, six, seven and eight years old: CROSSWORD
Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a different
1. Travis purchases the Kia. number from 1 to 26. Use your knowledge of English
2. The Honda is one year younger than the car Rosa buys. to solve the crossword. Some clue letters are given.
3. Yanni’s “new” car is younger than the Kia.
4. The Hyundai is two years older than the car Rosa buys.
Using these clues and the grid below, can you identify
the make and age of each buyer’s purchase?

OWNER MAKE

Hyundai
Datsun

Honda
Travis

Yanni
Rosa

Skye

Kia
5
AGE (Years)

Datsun

Honda
MAKE

Hyundai

Kia

OWNER MAKER AGE

You may Rosa
write your
answers in
Skye
Travis
ABCDEFGHIJKLM
this grid: Yanni NOPQRSTUVWXYZ
GETTY IMAGES. ALL PUZZLES COPYRIGHT CHRIS WALTERS. VISIT REUBENSPUZZLES.COM.AU
SCATTERWORD PERMUTATE
Your aim is to create words of TEMPERATE
DR I VE
four letters or more using the Your aim is to change
given letters once only but the top word one
always including the middle letter at a time, each
letter. Do not use proper names time rearranging the
or plural/verb forms which add letters to create a new
only “s”. word. Perform one
such permutation for
See if you can find the nine-letter each blank line below
word using up all the letters. until you arrive at
the last word. There
11 GOOD is usually more than

AUTO S
one correct solution.
14 VERY GOOD
See how many you
17+ EXCELLENT can find in 15 mins.

Last week’s solutions. Logic Puzzle: Tony walks his poodle three hours per week, Lyn walks her cocker spaniel for four hours per week, Kate walks
her labrador for five hours per week and Geoff walks his dachshund six hours per week. Scatterword: WORLDWIDE, dowdier, widower, riddle,
worded, weirdo, dried, idler, riled, weird, wider, wired, older, dower, world, oiler, oriel, lower, rowel, dire, ride, dero, doer, rode, drew, lord, word, lier,
rile, weir, wire, lore, role, wore, roil. 35 words. Permutate: DOGGY, GODLY, LODGE/OGLED, SOLED, ALOES, LEASH Clueless crossword:

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER 59

 ENTERTAINMENT
CHANGING
HIS STRIPES
Playing “Tiger King” Joe Exotic in a drama inspired
by the Netflix true-crime hit was a chance for
cult star John Cameron Mitchell to get his claws
into weird America. by RUSSELL BAILLIE
J
ohn Cameron
Mitchell will
forever be known
as the creator of
Hedwig and the
Angry Inch, the movie and
musical that became the Rocky
Horror Picture Show of its age.
After co-writing and starring
in the 1998 off-Broadway pro-
duction, Mitchell directed and
starred in the acclaimed 2001
film, starting a lasting cult fol-
lowing that has spawned stage
revivals around the world ever
since.
Since then, there’s been the
sexually graphic but good-
natured Shortbus, and many
other directing and acting
roles. Now Mitchell is the
Tiger King – he’s playing Joe
Exotic, the outlandish star
of the Netflix real-life big-cat
true-crime series, in the drama
Joe vs Carole. With comedian
Kate McKinnon in the role of
Exotic’s supposed nemesis,
Carole Baskin, it’s a surpris-
ingly subtle treatment that
brings a human touch to
the crass absurdity of
the original show.
Playing Joe
Exotic seems a
long way from
GETTY IMAGES
Hedwig and the
other work you are
best known for. Is it?
60
I was realising today there’s a
lot in common with Hedwig
– they’re both blond-headed
showmen with a chip on their
shoulder and an enemy in
their bonnet. Hedwig ends up
in Kansas, where Joe’s from,
and I lived there as a kid and
I was born in Texas. I lived an
hour from Joe’s zoo. So I know
the lay of the land. We’re the
same age and we also created
our own little communities. I
make movies, films, dance par-
ties, podcasts … I love creating
communities that are built to
decay before the infighting
starts. His went on too long
and it rotted from the inside.
He still won’t acknowledge he
did anything wrong, which,
unfortunately, still makes
him a victim and an aggressor.
But what a role to play. It feels
a little bit like a Richard III –
without the poetry. He was the
hunchback that was spit upon
who’s never going to be hurt
again and he takes his revenge
and he becomes the king, just
like Joe, and, ultimately, is
destroyed by that hubris.
I hadn’t detected a Shake-
Adding empathy: John
spearean element to Tiger Cameron Mitchell, right,
King, but with you saying it, and below as Joe Exotic in
I’m convinced. Did you watch Joe vs Carole.
the show?
I didn’t at the beginning, but I
did after I got the role. I found really think, is a corrective to
it just kind of exploitative and that and you might find your-
not particularly empathetic. self shedding a tear as well,
Just kind of one of those as laughter and empathy is in
“Americans are weird” shows, short supply.
which are very popular in
Europe, Australia and New So with Joe, you got him?
Zealand: “Look at these crazy I really got him. I didn’t
people.” It had the true-crime expect to, but I did. Maybe it’s
element. It had the rednecks because I’m queer, playing a
in distress; it had the queer, queer person – he wouldn’t
gun-toting mullet guy. call himself queer, he would
It had everything in call himself gay – but I think
terms of texture – it there were some advantages.
just didn’t have the I had some things in common
empathy, and you in terms of where I was from,
didn’t get to know the my age and my gayness,
people and where they having been through some
came from. This series, I of the things he had in terms
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
of Aids and homophobia and
finding sanctuary through
community. I make films and
TV shows; he made his zoo. So
I really found myself empa-
thising. I lost a boyfriend to
addiction, he lost two hus-
bands. All of that I could draw
upon for this role.
A recent stage production
of Hedwig had detractors
saying that the character
should only be played by
a transgender actor. You
have said she is not actually
a trans character, but also
that it’s fine for non-LGBTQ+
actors to play those kinds
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
of roles. Here you are in a
role in which you fit the bill.
There’s an interesting irony
in there somewhere …
I’ve been playing nothing but gay
villains, which is a good time.
Yeah. I don’t think we need
every role to be the same
sexuality or even gender. I
mean, race is a different issue.
But Nicolas Cage could have
played this very well. I think
my queerness did inform
it and did help it. But I don’t
think we should be hard and
fast about those rules. It is
acting after all, and it is fiction.
The trend lately is that it’s
not your story to tell. Well,
nobody who isn’t you isn’t
your story to tell, so why not
cancel fiction? Why not cancel
movies and acting? Or let’s
just have autobiographies
– the Netflix of narcissists. I
believe that empathy begins
with putting yourself in other
people’s shoes. I believe in
representation and diversity.
Let’s tell all the stories, but
let’s tell each other stories, too.
I’m helping to tell Joe’s story
from [writer] Anton Frankel’s
point of view, and I think
he has really honoured that
character, not made him into
a cartoon.
Elsewhere, your television
characters in the likes of
Girls, Shrill and The Good
Fight have been described as
“gay contrarians”.
Yeah. They are kind of gay vil-
lains in a way. They’re complex
61
ENTERTAINMENT
and likeable. But in the past,
we had so many negative gay
stereotypes that there was a
corrective time in the 90s and
2000s where all the queer roles
were boring, because they
didn’t want to offend. All the
gay guys were very macho and
boring and bland, and all the
lesbians were beautiful and
not traditionally lesbian. It felt
as fake as the stereotypes, the
anti-stereotypes. Now we’ve
come to a place of representa-
tion, where there are plenty
of queer characters, and you
can get diverse again. So I’ve
been playing nothing but gay
villains, which is a good time. I
don’t think Joe is a villain, but,
obviously, he’s an antihero.
Does the TV acting allow you
freedom to do all the other
projects?
Definitely. I mean, the acting is
my money job. Luckily, they’ve
been fun. Joe vs Carole was
probably the most fun I’ve had
on camera. Then I can work on
my little podcasts. I made an
album called New American
Dream during lockdown. And
I’m working on a podcast on
the subject of cancellation
and woke gone wild, because I
think it can be very constrict-
ing for communication and art
and all the things that I love.
The intentions are good. It’s
just the overzealous industry
of wokeness gets on my nerves.
So how did you get on with
the tigers?
We did them all with CGI, for
animal rights reasons, but also
for safety reasons. It’s more
expensive to do CGI, but it was
the right choice. I worked with
a lot of Great Danes as tigers.
Like, motion capture Great
Danes? Cool.
They were. Some of them were
very good actors, and some
weren’t. l
The full series of Joe vs Carole
is now screening on TVNZ
OnDemand.
62
CHAMPIONING
CAMPION
Despite some hiccups, the Netflix Oscar campaign
for The Power of the Dog has made Jane Campion
a sure bet at this year’s ceremony. by RUSSELL BAILLIE
I
n the likely event that
Dame Jane Campion
lassos her second – and
possibly a third and
fourth – Academy
Award on March 28 New Zea-
land time, it will mark more
than yet another career mile-
stone for the film-maker. It will
also mark the end of a victory
lap for her The Power of the
Dog, which is up for 11 Oscars,
with Campion nominated for
best adapted screenplay, best
director and best picture.
Of those, she’s almost
assured of winning best
director – she’s won almost
every best director trophy of
the pre-Oscar awards run-
up, including a Bafta, Golden
Globe and a Directors’ Guild of
America award.
She was last at the Academy
Awards in 1994 when her
breakthrough film The Piano
took three Oscars – one for
her (best original screenplay)
and for actresses Holly Hunter
and the then 11-year-old
Anna Paquin.
Campion was also nomi-
nated for best director, only
the second woman to figure in
the category. Now she’s the first
woman to be nominated twice.
The Netflix campaign
behind The Power of the Dog
kicked in when it premiered in
Venice in September. Despite it
having been on the streaming
platform since early Decem-
ber, after a limited cinema run,
it will roll until at least Oscar
voting finishes on March 22. It’s
likely the company has spent
at least as much in its push for
awards as it did on making the
film, which had a budget of
US$30-$40 million.
But it’s a race that has struck
some strange hurdles on
the home straight. Campion
sparked a social media kerfuf-
fle over her winner’s speech at
the Critics’ Choice Awards, one
of many in recent weeks in the
lead-up to the Oscars, where
hers has been the name in the
envelope.
While praising tennis
superstars Venus and Serena
Williams – “you’re such
marvels” – who were present
in support of King Richard,
the movie starring Will Smith
as their father, Campion then
added: “However, you don’t
play against the guys, like I
have to.”
The Washington Post labelled
the comment “misguided”
while it exercised many on
social media, including promi-
nent writer-commentator
Roxane Gay: “In addition to the
racism of it all, Campion is sug-
gesting that competing against
men is more difficult/legiti-
mate than competing against
women. Has she met women?”
Campion apologised in a
statement the following day,
describing it as a “thoughtless
comment” equating what she
did in film with the sisters’
sporting achievements.
It had already been a big
weekend for her on the
awards and media circuit. The
previous night she had won
best director at the Directors’
Guild of America Awards, a
fairly reliable bellwether to
Oscar success. There, she had
also addressed a curious back-
lash against the film.
Actor Sam Elliott, a man
who has played many cowboys
including the Marlboro Man
himself, had disparaged Cam-
pion and her film, which is set
on a Montana ranch during the
1920s, during a chat with prom-
inent podcaster Marc Maron.
He called out the film for its
“allusions of homosexuality”
and questioned Campion’s
knowledge of the genre.
“What the f--- does this
woman from down there know
about the American west?
Why the f--- did she shoot this
movie in New Zealand and call
it Montana? And say this is the
way it was? That f---ing rubbed
me the wrong way.”
Campion responded to
Elliott’s views before the DGA
Awards: “I’m sorry, he was
being a little bit of a B-I-T-C-H.
He’s not a cowboy; he’s an actor.
The west is a mythic space
and there’s a lot of room on
the range. I think it’s a little
bit sexist.”
The comments also lit up
social media a day before the
Williams sisters gaffe.
I
f it seems Campion has
been campaigning like
a politician, she has the
backing of the substantial
Netflix publicity machine.
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

Driving it is awards strategist
Lisa Taback, who previously
worked for the notorious
Harvey Weinstein and his
brother, Bob, and reportedly
played an instrumental role
in campaigns that resulted in
best picture Oscars for The
English Patient, Shakespeare in
Love, Chicago, The King’s Speech
and The Artist. More recently,
she worked on La La Land and
Moonlight.
In past years, Netflix has had
its sights set on an elusive best
picture win to add to the kudos
the company has gained at the
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
Emmys. In 2019, the streamer
spent many times the modest
budget of the movie Roma in
a campaign that successfully
won it three Oscars, includ-
ing best director for Alfonso
Cuarón, but lost best picture
to the largely unfancied
Green Book.
The following year, Netflix
backed Martin Scorsese’s The
Irishman, as well as Marriage
Story and The Two Popes, to a
modest showing. Last year, it
was Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom,
Mank and The Trial of the
Chicago 7, which also became
Front runner: Jane
Campion is the favourite
to take the best director
Oscar and has every
chance at taking the best
picture award, too.
also-rans. This year, The Power
of the Dog is Netflix’s best bet,
ahead of Don’t Look Up (another
best picture contender), The
Hand of God and Tick, Tick …
Boom!
Netflix also has competition
in the prestige movie terri-
tory from streamers Amazon
Prime and Apple TV+. Both
make far fewer original films
but have had a decent hit rate
of awards success. This year,
Apple’s CODA – an American
remake of a French film about a
“child of deaf adults” – is up for
best picture, while Amazon’s
Being the Ricardos figures in the
acting nominations.
When Campion was last at
the Oscars, she was the out-
sider. With its three wins, The
Piano essentially got second
place to Steven Spielberg’s
Schindler’s List. A film by a
Hollywood giant at his artistic
peak taking on a Holocaust
story was always going to be
unbeatable back then.
The Piano had already
won the Palme d’Or, making
Campion the first woman to
win the Cannes Film Festival’s
top prize.
Just three features into her
career, her trophy collection
was off to a very good start.
But Campion’s subsequent
films weren’t to trouble the
Academy again, neither the
repressed period dramas nor
the confronting tales of sexual-
ity. The outsider, it seemed, had
had her time in the mainstream
Hollywood spotlight.
But now, 28 years later –
including a decade in which she
made no films – the outsider
is the frontrunner with her
gothic western, which is both
a repressed period drama and
a confronting tale of sexual-
ity and toxic masculinity, has
made her the favourite to take
the best director Oscar and
has every chance at taking the
best picture award, too. The
9000-plus membership of the
Academy has become increas-
ingly diverse in past decades.
Since 2000, the best direc-
tor Oscar has been won by an
American male six times. In
the 20 years before that, the
dudes dominated with 16 wins.
Among the four men Campion
is up against in the best direc-
tor category is Spielberg, for
his remake of West Side Story.
Given the performance of his
film in the awards season so far,
he’s unlikely to spoil Campion’s
party this time. l
The 94th Academy Awards
GETTY IMAGES
screens live on TVNZ 2 and
TVNZ OnDemand from 11.30am,
Monday, March 28.
63
ENTERTAINMENT

FILM
SARAH WATT taciturn duo spend hours in
each other’s company, gradu-

Scenic
ally learning a little about one
another, and in turn realising
more about themselves.
There are added narra-

route tive complications involving

a cocky young actor whose
career risks being “can-
celled” and Kafuku’s growing
awareness of his wife’s secret
life. These aspects punctu-
ate the many long scenes in
which Kafuku auditions then
rehearses his multinational
Making connections:
Hidetoshi Nishijima and cast, as each actor prepares
Tōko Miura in Drive My Car. to perform their role in their
native tongue. Watching the

A lengthy Vanya, is thoughtful, thought-

provoking cinema at its most
but engaging engrossing.
It’s the second story by
meditation on Haruki Murakami with a
art and human Beatles-reference title to
become a feature, after 2010’s
connection. Norwegian Wood. From it, film-
maker Ryûsuke Hamaguchi
DRIVE MY CAR has crafted an exploration of
directed by Ryûsuke loss and unanticipated human
Hamaguchi connection, which unasham-
It may sound unlikely, but this edly takes its time. His faith in
unhurried, three-hour Japa- how best to honour the subject
nese film, about a widower who matter has paid off, as the film
stages a multilingual theatre is up for four Oscars including
production of Chekhov’s Uncle best picture and director.
Two years after his play-
wright wife’s tragic death,
acclaimed theatre director
Yûsuke Kafuku (a quietly cap-
tivating Hidetoshi Nishijima)
is invited to Hiroshima for an
eight-week residency to put on
the notoriously challenging
Russian play. The host festival
insists that, for insurance
reasons, the reluctant Kafuku
must accept the service of
a young female chauffeur,
Misaki (Tōko Miura), who
will drive him to and from
rehearsals in his treasured
red left-hand-drive Saab. The
performers communicate the
play’s dialogue in a mixture
of Tagalog, Chinese and even
Korean Sign Language is
quite extraordinary.
But more than just an illus-
tration of alternative methods
of creating imaginative art,
the film works as a meta-exam-
ination of how we connect
across barriers – linguistic,
but also of age, distrust and
experience. The slow-burning,
achingly perceptive Drive My
Car takes us on an unexpected
existential journey.
IN CINEMAS NOW

Heavy place. As they search for Peter’s

missing brother, Alex opens his
mind to a new view of life.

weather As the enigmatic Alex, Sarita

An odd-couple
mystery set
in a Spanish
holiday mecca is
a leaden affair.
IT SNOWS IN BENIDORM
directed by Isabel Coixet
It may be prettily photo-
graphed and emotively scored,
but It Snows in Benidorm
does literally everything else
wrong. Even Timothy Spall
can’t elevate the ponderous
script, and the holiday setting
traditionally overrun with
braying British tourists is shot
with hyperbolic debauchery to
appear even more ghastly than
it is in real life.
In this latest “odd couple”
flick from French writer-direc-
tor Isabel Coixet (Learning to
Drive, Elegy), Spall plays Peter,
a mortgage manager whose
forced retirement provides
Seaside search:
Timothy Spall in It
Snows In Benidorm.
the impetus to finally leave his
lonely non-existence in dreary
Manchester to visit his long-
lost brother in coastal Spain.
When he arrives to a mysteri-
ously empty apartment and
tight-lipped locals, Peter meets
Alex, a glamorous fifty-some-
thing burlesque dancer whose
act involves extracting a string
of pearls from an intimate
Choudhury (The Green Knight)
is truly stunning, but Spall’s
Peter – whose hobby is photo-
graphing clouds – does little
more than wander the streets
with a face that veers from
bewildered to slightly pained.
With incessant slow zooms and
long, seemingly undirected
takes, the pair make unrealistic
conversation laden with cod
philosophy. The chapter head-
ings, which tie the “action” to
Peter’s childhood fascination
with meteorological phenom-
ena, do nothing to help.
IN CINEMAS NOW
Films are rated out of 5:
(abysmal) to (amazing)

64 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

MUSIC
GRAHAM REID
Nashville
lifeline
Jamie McDell takes
on the US capital
of country in an
impressive career
reinvention.
JAMIE MCDELL, by Jamie
McDell
When Jamie McDell appeared
a decade ago as a fully-formed
19-year-old singer-songwriter,
she was one parents of young
teens could happily accept:
McDell was outgoing, free of
guile, eco-conscious and her
image was of the girl on the
beach with a guitar singing
to friends around a sunset
bonfire of driftwood.
Her 2012 debut album, Six
Strings and a Sailboat, which
won best pop album at the
New Zealand Music Awards,
was followed by the more
mature Ask Me Anything three
years later. In her sophomore
effort it was clear McDell was
writing about issues above her
audience demographic.
Her wholesome image and
move towards thoughtful,
adult country music with her
largely overlooked 2018 album
Extraordinary Girl – recorded
in Nashville and featuring
Tami Neilson and Australian
country star Kasey Chambers
– confirmed she was an artist
capable of growth and blunt
observations. The title track
noted “ordinary men break
extraordinary girls”.
McDell’s new album – also
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
recorded in Nashville, with
acclaimed producer Nash
Chambers, Kasey’s older
brother – exists between main-
stream pop-country (Dream
Team, the self-empowered
Not Ready Yet with tasty pedal
steel), more edgy material (the
moody Limousine Running and
gritty Daddy Come Pick Me Up)
and Celtic-influenced country
Sailor).
McDell has gone from beach to
barroom, and this Americana
album being self-titled implies a
new and profitable beginning.
And throughout, McDell,
now 29, brings adult life expe-
rience to her lyrics: a woman
driven by the expectations of
a man (Botox); the perspective
of a woman with a broken
family (“I’d give anything for
my sister to stay clean”) on the
aching Something More; a man
paying the price for his ambi-
tion and watching “the assets
and the values sail away” on
Poor Boy; the regretful com-
panion (“you’re the one that’s
doin’ time”) on Worst Crime.
McDell has gone from beach
to barroom, and this Ameri-
cana album being self-titled
implies a new and profitable
beginning.
HOW IS IT THAT I SHOULD
LOOK AT THE STARS, by The
Weather Station
Last year’s Ignorance, by The
Weather Station (aka Canadian
Tamara Lindeman), appeared
on many “best of” lists, includ-
ing the Listener’s.
While writing for Ignorance,
she created a vast body of
songs, many of which didn’t fit
with the strings, keyboards and
flute-embellished material that
made the final cut,
or even on the later
expanded edition.
That’s where this
subdued, piano-
based collection
comes in. Recorded
live in the studio
Jamie McDell: brings adult life
experience to her lyrics.
with her small band improvis-
ing around her weightless
ballads, How Is It That I Should
Look at the Stars is an excellent
stand-alone album of intro-
spective songs (the intimate
To Talk About), ruminations
on the mystery and magic of
the natural world (the title
track), her writing process and
inspirations from the ordinary
world (Song) and a strange,
prescient song written before
the pandemic hit in 2020, End-
less Time: “It’s only the end of
an endless time …”
Where Ignorance was engag-
ingly studied pop-rock with
baroque touches, How Is It goes
back to Lindeman’s folk roots
for this companion volume of
thoughtful deliberation. l
Jamie McDell’s and The
Weather Station’s albums are on
digital platforms now.
65
ENTERTAINMENT
TV PREVIEW
Happy
medium
Comedian James Mustapic on why he has made a show
devoted to tracking down the long-lost telly stars
who were his only friends when he was a kid.
ABANDONMENT ISSUES
Streaming TVNZ OnDemand
I was obsessed with New
Zealand popular culture when
I was a child. I couldn’t get
enough of shows like New Zea-
land Idol, What Now and even
Sensing Murder. I absolutely
love Kiwi content – there’s
something so special about it.
Where else would they play a
show in which psychic medi-
ums try to solve real murder
cases? And where else would
they play a show that’s solely
centred around pouring gunge
on people?
There was something so mag-
ical and yet so cringeworthy
about these shows, and they
were all I had when I was grow-
ing up. There was no YouTube
or TikTok for me to watch in
those days, so when something
was on TV, I was watching it.
66
There was nothing else to do
growing up in Dunedin, and I
had no friends anyway!
The presenters on these
shows genuinely felt like
friends to me. I was just so
entranced by them and always
wanted to meet them. But
years later, so many of the
stars from these shows have
vanished. They’re not on TV
any more, and they’re largely
forgotten by most of the coun-
try. But I never forgot.
My new show, Abandonment
Issues, is all about revisiting
these iconic shows, track-
ing down the forgotten Kiwi
celebrities who were a part of
them and resolving all of my
abandonment issues I have
with them.
The show is based off a web
series I created back in 2017,
called Repressed Memories.
Each episode would focus on
a TV show and I’d share clips
from the show while ripping
into how cringe the show
was. In Abandonment Issues,
I’m taking everything from
Repressed Memories to the
next level, by taking you on
an adventure to hunt down all
these long-lost celebs and meet-
ing them in person (unless they
were unvaccinated, then it was
a Zoom interview).
E
ach episode has a mis-
sion. I don’t want to
spoil them all, but one
episode is all about making
things right with psychic
medium Sue Nicholson, who
I upset on national televi-
sion three years ago. I can’t
reveal too much more, but I
promise the show is super fun
and there are so many great
James
Mustapic:
revisits iconic
shows from
the 2000s.
cameos from former local
celebs from the early 2000s.
Some of them were super-keen
to be a part of the show, and
some of them were absolute
nightmares. It has been so
fun to work on the show, and
the amazing team at Kevin
& Co have done a great job
bringing it all to life. I’ve also
had lots of help writing the
episodes from some amaz-
ing comedians including Ray
O’Leary, Melanie Bracewell
and Eli Matthewson.
If you owned a TV back in
the early 2000s, I think you’ll
love this little show. There are
six episodes and each one has
so many fun moments and
gags. I reckon it’s good, but
if it’s not, then maybe some-
one will create a web-series
making fun of it some day. A
man can dream. l
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

TELEVISION
Our Picks of the Week
SATURDAY MARCH 26
ATLANTA
What goes on tour …
Streaming: Neon/Sky Go
Screening: SoHo, 8.00pm, from
April 7
It has been four long years
since we last heard from Earn
and the gang, and creator
Donald Glover has already
announced that this year’s
back-to-back third and fourth
seasons will be the last of
Atlanta. As we rejoin the crew,
things have developed: Paper
Boi is touring Europe and
there are culture clashes and
shenanigans all over. Success
brings its own stresses and
the temptation to deal with
it all by just getting high is
strong.
CELEBRITY CATCHPHRASE
Celebrities puzzle over pictures
Screening: eden, 7.30pm
Presented with all the noise
and fervour of a pre-pan-
demic studio audience, it’s
the season-opening 2018 Fifa
Football World Cup edition
26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER
of Celebrity Catchphrase, the
celebrity reboot of a British
game show in which contest-
ants vie to guess popular
catchphrases from visual
clues. It’s complicated, but it’s
all for charity. A golden robot
called Mr Chips assists host
Stephen Mulhern by killing
everyone at the end.
SUNDAY MARCH 27
THE CHASE USA
Serious questions are asked
Screening: eden, 7.30pm
This second American adapta-
tion of the wildly popular
UK quiz challenge drafts in
Mark “the Beast” Labbett from
the original show to play as
Chaser alongside three Amer-
ican Jeopardy! champs. This
cohort includes trivia super-
star James Holzhauer, who
once came up against Labbett
in the previous US version of
the show and delivered what
Labbett would later describe
as the “worst beating I’ve ever
had” as Chaser. It might be
trivia, but it’s not trivial.
TUESDAY MARCH 29
SCREW
Women running prisons
Streaming: TVNZ OnDemand,
full season
A prison drama created by
Rob Williams (Killing Eve,
Suspicion and pretty much
every long-running UK TV
drama you can think of ) and
told from the point of view of
the prison officers rather than
the inmates. The accomplished
Nina Sosanya (His Dark
Materials, W1A) takes the lead
as Leigh Henry, the veteran
supervising officer of a men’s
prison that perpetually teeters
on the brink. When she’s not
battling the system she’s part
of, she’s mentoring newbie
prison officer Rose (Jamie-
Lee O’Donnell, Derry Girls).
Williams said recently that he
drew on his own experiences
teaching and doing voluntary
work in prisons and aimed to
reflect a reality where “there
is laughter, there is humour,
there is humanity, there is
friendship, there is real life. It’s
not just violence and drudgery
and darkness.”
WEDNESDAY MARCH 30
PHOENIX RISING
A difficult story told
Evan Rachel Woods
in Phoenix Rising,
Wednesday.
Screening: SoHo, 8.30pm
Evan Rachel Wood’s account
of her abuse at the hands
of shock-rock star Marilyn
Manson (real name Brian
Warner) unfolded over time
in the media. In this highly
personal and inevitably politi-
cal two-part documentary
directed by Amy Berg – and
made amid threats of defa-
mation action from Warner
himself – Wood reaches back
to her childhood and her
confusing, vulnerable years
as a Hollywood ingénue. But
its centre is the story of how
Wood went from talking about
abuse to naming her abuser
and ultimately becoming an
advocate for other women in
her position. With Warner’s
lawyers dismissing the
accounts of Wood and several
other women who came
forward to report abuse by
Warner as “phony”, it seems
unlikely that the documentary
will be the end of the story.
MOON KNIGHT
Dark dreams from the Marvel
archive
Screening: Disney+ (Marvel),
new episodes weekly
Part of the Marvel Comics
Universe, but, according to
67
ENTERTAINMENT
executive producer Grant
Curtis, unconnected to any of
the MCU’s sprawling screen
storylines, Moon Knight picks
up on a relatively obscure
titular character who first
appeared in Marvel comics in
the 1970s, initially as a kind of
villain and then as Marvel’s
take on Batman. Oscar Isaac
(previously the supervillain
Apocalypse in X-Men: Apoca-
lypse) plays Steven Grant,
a mild-mannered gift-shop
employee who discovers
he has dissociative identity
disorder and shares a body
with mercenary Marc Spector
– and they’re both appar-
ently being manipulated by
Khonshu, an ancient Egyptian
god from another dimension.
It’s shaping up as more of a
psychological horror than
a superhero story, but the
trailer looks bewitching.
FRIDAY APRIL 1
SLOW HORSES
The Thick of It, MI5 style
Screening: Apple TV+, first two
episodes available today; new
episodes weekly
It might sound like typecast-
ing – Gary Oldman played
intelligence officer George
Smiley in the 2011 film of John
le Carré’s Cold War thriller
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
Now here he is in television
series Slow Horses, playing
another spook from a series
of bestsellers.
Only, Jackson Lamb from
Mick Herron’s Slough House
68
Slow Horses, Friday.
series of novels is a rather dif-
ferent creature. He has been
exiled to that run-down build-
ing where he bullies a staff of
the MI5’s underachievers and
disgraces – “Jason Stillborns”,
he calls them – while running
down the clock on his once-
glorious career and spending
much of his time passing
wind and verbally reviewing
the results.
The show also stars Kristin
Scott Thomas as Diana Tav-
erner, a devious figure in MI5
upper management. Oldman
and Scott Thomas were ter-
rific together as Winston
and Clementine Churchill in
Darkest Hour and their pres-
ence suggests that Apple TV+
has certainly thrown some
money at the show, a second
season of which is already in
the works.
Slow Horses, the first book
of the eight in the series,
has been adapted by Will
Smith, the English screen-
writer whose past work
has included the Armando
Iannucci political comedies
The Thick of It and Veep. The
books are both funny and
thrilling in a very le Carré
kind of way. If the TV show
can capture that combina-
tion – with Oldman’s Jackson
Lamb possibly becoming the
new Malcolm Tucker – this
may well be one of the shows
of the year.
Films are rated out of 5:
(abysmal) to (amazing)
TV Films
The big movies on TV this week
SATURDAY MARCH 26
THE CROODS 2: A NEW AGE
The proto-Flintstones return
TVNZ 2, 7.00pm
It’s not really a New Age,
despite the seven years
between the original and
this sequel, which is a sillier
improvement on the first
animated cave-clan outing. But
it is a few rungs up the evolu-
tionary ladder as Grug and
co discover some prehistoric
hippy farming folk and con-
sider giving up their nomadic
ways. (2020)
AGENT CODY BANKS
Life in 007th grade
Māori TV, 7.00pm
For-kids-eyes-only teen spy
comedy starring Malcolm in
the Middle sitcom kid Frankie
Muniz as teenage superspy
Cody whose CIA handlers
must teach him how to talk to
girls so he can hook up with
Hilary Duff, the daughter of a
scientist working for a shad-
owy organisation. (2003)
MAMMA MIA! HERE WE GO
AGAIN
B-sides beside the seaside
Three, 7.00pm
The sequel to the 2008 movie-
of-the-musical reunites the
starry cast on that Greek
Island 10 years later, while
flashing back to the Meryl
Streep character Donna’s life
in 1979 (where she’s played by
Lily James). It doesn’t have as
many big Abba hits as the orig-
inal but it’s much better made
and does have Cher singing
Fernando. (2018)
BACHELORETTE
When mean girls get hitched
Three, 9.10pm
It might sound Bridesmaids-
adjacent with four old school
by RUSSELL BAILLIE
mates – Kirsten Dunst, Isla
Fisher, Lizzy Caplan and Rebel
Wilson – gathered for drunken
night-before prenuptial
celebrations in which the wed-
ding dress takes a beating. But
there’s nothing romcom-sweet
or that much likeable about the
black comedy or the characters
created by writer-director
Leslye Headland. (2012).
ETERNAL BEAUTY
Mental illness musings
Rialto, 8.30pm
As Jane, Sally Hawkins
delivers yet another deeply
vulnerable character, one
diagnosed with paranoid
schizophrenia after a break-
down on her wedding day, but
who gets a new lease on life
when she starts an affair with a
musician (David Thewlis) who
has his own issues. It’s some-
thing of a jumble of tones as
writer-director Craig Roberts
attempts to get inside Jane’s
headspace, but it means well
and Hawkins is compelling.
(2019)
THE DARK TOWER
Cosmic cowboy clanger
TVNZ 2, 8.45pm
Awful and weirdly stunted
version of Stephen King’s
fantasy-world-meets-western
novel series, which pits Idris
Elba’s Gunslinger against Mat-
thew McConaughey’s Man in
Black. (2017)
SUNDAY MARCH 27
THE LEGEND OF TARZAN
Oh I’m an apeman
TVNZ 2, 8.00pm
As Tarzan/Lord Greystoke,
Alexander Skarsgård revives
one of the first rich-dude high-
flying superheroes in a stodgy
movie that leans heavily on
lots of CGI beasties and yet
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022
 Respect, Sunday.

another of Christoph Waltz’s
villains. (2016)
BAD BOYS FOR LIFE
Action granddads reunite
Three, 8.30pm
A possibly unnecessary 90s
action comedy revival, but an
entertaining one. Will Smith
and Martin Lawrence return
as old Miami cop buddies who
team up again to fight the
Mexican drug lord who wants
Smith’s Mike Lowrey dead.
(2020)
RESPECT
The Aretha movie
Sky Movies Premiere, 8.30pm;
Neon, April 3
While still alive, Aretha Frank-
lin anointed Jennifer Hudson
to play her in her biopic and
the Dreamgirls star is predicta-
bly impressive in the role. The
movie itself plays it safe and
predictable. (2021)
in a small car (a Fiat Bambina)
puttering about south-west
France with a band of musi-
cians crammed into a Citroën
Dyane in lukewarm pursuit.
The oddball encounters that
Hinds’ unspeaking charac-
ter has along the way make
for a pleasant homage to the
comedies of Jacques Tati, and
a very nice postcard. (2021)
MONDAY MARCH 28
AMAZING GRACE
The Aretha movie with Aretha
Māori TV, 8.30pm
A long-unfinished concert
film, which captured Aretha
Franklin recording her career-
peak gospel album Amazing
Grace at a Los Angeles Baptist
church over two nights in 1972.
It’s a thrilling eulogy for the
Queen of Soul, especially in
her 10-minute rendition of the
title track. (2018)
backpack to friend Werner
Herzog, who, here, uses it as a
talisman on his documentary
journey tracing the author’s
footsteps, from South America
to Australia to Britain, and
pondering their mutual wan-
derlust. (2019)
ONLY THE ANIMALS
Tangential French puzzler
Rialto 8.30pm
Thriller veteran Dominik Moll
delivers an intriguing if taxing
mystery that is part Venn
diagram, part jigsaw about
five characters whose only
connection is their relationship
to wealthy but unhappy house-
wife Evelyne, who goes missing
in the mountains of southern
France. (2019)
WE OWN THE NIGHT
Street fighting men
Prime, 9.30pm
Gritty if clunky New York
crime thriller, with Joaquin
Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg
as brothers with divided loyal-
ties when they get caught in
the late-80s crossfire between
the NYPD and a Russian drug
lord. (2007).

THE MAN IN THE HAT NOMAD: IN THE FOOTSTEPS

Tour de France sans dialogue
Rialto, 8.30pm
A whimsical, cryptic road
movie about a large man
(Ciarán Hinds, Kenneth
Branagh’s grandpa in Belfast)
OF BRUCE CHATWIN
Herzog goes walkabout
Sky Arts, 8.30pm
After his death in 1989, writer-
adventurer Bruce Chatwin The Man in the
Hat, Sunday.
bequeathed his leather

26 MARCH 2022 LISTENER 69

ENTERTAINMENT
Lady Boss,
Thursday
WEDNESDAY MARCH 30
THE CONFIRMATION
Relationship repairs
Māori TV, 8.30pm
Satisfying low-key char-
acter study starring an
understated Clive Owen as a
small-town handyman and
divorced dad whose reluctant
weekend with his eight-year-
old son turns into a series of
misadventures when his tools
are stolen. (2016)
BREAKING NEWS IN YUBA
COUNTY
This just in: it’s bad
Sky Movies Premiere, 8.30pm;
Neon, April 1. Now on Amazon
A woefully misguided attempt
at dark Fargo-esque suburban
comedy starring Allison
Janney as a woman who
pretends her husband has
been kidnapped, kicking off a
series of unfortunate events.
It also stars Mila Kunis,
Juliette Lewis, Awkwafina and
Ellen Barkin. (2021)
GIRLS CAN’T SURF
The Gidget uprising
Rialto, 8.30pm
Invigorating Aussie sports
doco about the women who
pioneered professional
surfing in the 1980s and the
battles they faced – and still
face – in the dude-dominated
sport. (2020)
THURSDAY MARCH 31
LADY BOSS: THE JACKIE COL-
LINS STORY
Sleaze queen reconsidered
Rialto, 8.30pm
An affectionate if unques-
tioning doco about the life
and works of the late Jackie
70
Collins, the superstar author
whose saucy stories, such as
The Stud, Hollywood Wives
and The Bitch, often starred
her sister, Joan, when they
were turned into movies.
Joan is among family and
friends paying tribute to her.
(2021)
FRIDAY APRIL 1
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
Oval Office obliterated
Three, 7.30pm
From the ever-implausible
action director Roland
Emmerich, a Die Hard knock-
off starring Channing Tatum
as the only cop available
to defend the US President
(Jamie Foxx) after the Capitol
is bombed and they must
fight off baddies led by James
Woods, who is now a real-life
Maga nut. (2013)
NO TIME TO DIE
Craig’s last blast
Amazon Prime
After a disrupted arrival
into cinemas last year, Daniel
Craig’s final Bond heads to
the streaming platform, as do
the 26 previous Bond movies.
So it’s a chance to see how the
Craig era stacks up against the
rest (really well) and confirm
that No Time to Die is, after
Skyfall and Casino Royale,
one of the best 007 films of
his tenure. It’s a satisfying
saga of fiendish bioweapons,
island lairs, villain vs villain,
and Bond failing yet again to
achieve work-life balance.
(2021)
Films are rated out of 5:
(abysmal) to (amazing)
Talkback
END OF THE ROADSHOW
Reading your article about the
changes the owner of Three
intends to make from March
21, I am very disappointed
that Antiques Roadshow will
no longer have a home on NZ
television.
This is a programme loved
and regularly viewed by many,
including myself.
Hearing about the history
of the antiques brought in for
assessment, meeting the people
involved and learning how they
acquired them resulted in a
very interesting programme.
Hosted by Fiona Bruce, well
versed in the arts herself, and
televised from different and
interesting locations each week,
whether it was a well-known
old country estate or the Man-
chester Town Hall, all added to
the tremendous appeal of the
programme.
And not forgetting the
experts in each field, who
became so well known to us for
their intensive depth of knowl-
edge and aesthetic appreciation
of people’s valued possessions.
Antiques Roadshow will be
sadly missed.
Patricia Grinlinton
(Devonport, Auckland)
No! We cannot lose Antiques
Roadshow when eden takes
over Choice on March 21.
While I really respect The
Repair Shop, and the “replace-
ment” is from its producers,
new frontman Nigel Havers
only ever glorifies Nigel
Havers.
Also, experts bidding against
each other cannot replace
the fascinating knowledge
the many Antiques Roadshow
experts have delighted us with
– and educated us, too – for
decades.
Antiques Roadshow cannot be
ditched.
Ann Milton-Tee
(Gisborne)
CONCISE AND RELAXED
I think it is time acknowledge-
ment is made of TVNZ
European reporter Daniel
Faitaua.
From Covid to the current
Ukraine situation, his com-
mentary is concise, professional
and empathetic, delivered in a
warm, relaxed style.
This has been particularly
highlighted over the past
weeks when his reporting
from Ukraine has included
unplanned interactions with
passers-by.
Judith Ashton
(Devonport, Auckland)
NONTHREATENING
I would like to commend Jack
Tame’s interviews. Where
others make me squirm with
discomfort, I find Tame’s style
non-threatening.
He has an ability to present
tricky questions without aggres-
sion, and calmly proceeds, with
persistence if necessary.
I particularly appreciated his
interview (Q&A, March 13) with
Tracey Martin.
AN Christie
(Rotorua)
SOUNDTRACK ‘NOISE’
My condolences to your reader
(Talkback, March 12) who
complains of the “musical”
noises in the Attenborough
programmes.
I recently watched Universe,
presented by Professor Brian
Cox, and found myself wish-
ing for the subtitled version
so I could mute the sound and
preserve my hearing.
Willow Alber
(Westport)
Please send comments, queries
or complaints about radio or
television to: listenerletters@
aremedia.co.nz with “Talkback”
in the subject line, or Talkback,
NZ Listener, PO Box 52122,
Kingsland, Auckland 1352
LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Te Karere (R, HD)
6.30 Country Calendar (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.00 Rural Delivery (PG, C)
7.30 Infomercials
8.30 Religious Programming
9.00 Asia Unplated with Diana
Chan (G, R, HD, C, AD)
9.30 Tagata Pasifika (HD)
10.05 Beat the Chef (G, R, HD, C)
10.35 Gordon Ramsay’s Bank
Balance (PG, R, HD, C)
11.50 ■ Bradley Walsh’s The
Larkins (G, R, HD, C, AD)
s1ep1
12.55 Sarah Beeny’s Renovate
Don’t Relocate (G, HD, C)
1.55 India Unplated (G, HD, C,
AD)
2.25 Bling (PG, HD, C, AD) Gok
Wan hosts a UK series about
jewellery.
3.25 Saved and Remade (PG, HD,
C, AD) UK series in which
loved-but-unused treasures
are transformed.
4.25 Jamie’s Easy Meals for
Everyday (G, R, HD, C, AD)
Jamie Oliver makes healthier
fish and chips and takes
sausage and mash and
creates a pie. s1ep5
5.00 The Chase (G, R, C) Bradley
Walsh hosts a UK quiz show.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Cooking with the Stars
(PG, HD, C, AD) UK cooking
competition series. Tonight,
the remaining celebrities
take on the food of India.
s1ep3
8.00 Lotto
8.05 Heathrow: Britain’s Busiest
Airport (G, HD, C, AD)
Behind the scenes at
Britain’s biggest and busiest
international airport.
8.30 Joanna Lumley’s Britain (G,
HD, C, AD) Joanna travels
through Scotland, the Outer
Hebrides and Northern
Ireland. s1ep2
9.30 Around the World in 80
Days (PG, HD, C, AD) In
India, Fogg grumpily waits
for a wedding to be over, but
the groom is grabbed by the
army. s1ep4
10.35 Informer 3838 (16, HD, C)
Australian drama series.
Tonight, Nicola is devastated
by the death of Terry and
Christine Hodson. s1ep3
11.35 Flesh and Blood (16, R, HD,
C, AD) Vivien is feeling torn
between her new man and
her children. s1ep3
12.30am ■ Prodigal Son (16, R, C,
AD) Assisting in the search
for a serial killer known as
the Woodsman might help
the NYPD find one of their
own. s2ep13
1.20 Nashville (M, R, HD, C, AD)
s3ep20
2.50 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 The Wiggles’ World (G, R,
HD, C, AD)
6.10 Postman Pat (G, HD, C, AD)
6.25 Apollo’s Tall Tales (G, R,
HD, C)
6.35 PJ Masks (G, R, HD, C)
7.00 Love Monster (G, R, HD, C)
7.05 Madagascar: A Little Wild
(G, HD, C)
7.30 SpongeBob SquarePants (G,
R, HD, C)
7.55 Turbo Fast (G, HD, C)
8.20 The Adventures of Rocky
and Bullwinkle (G, HD, C)
8.45 Adventure Time (G, R,
HD, C)
8.55 Ninjago (G, R, HD, C)
9.15 Power Rangers Beast
Morphers (PG, R, HD, C)
9.40 The Simpsons (PG, R, HD, C)
s11ep1
10.00 Fresh (PG, HD, C) A
Rarotongan fashion designer
who is taking his garments
from the beaches of the
Pacific to the bright lights of
London, and coconut trees.
10.30 Saved by the Bell (G, HD, C)
s1ep4
11.00 Have You Been Paying
Attention? (PG, R, C)
Noon America’s Got Talent (PG,
HD, C) s16ep7
1.55 The Good Witch (PG, HD, C)
2.45 Home Economics (PG,
HD, C)
3.10 The Pet Show (G, HD, C)
4.10 Junior Bake Off (G, HD, C)
s6ep7
5.05 Superman & Lois (PG, HD,
C) s1ep7
6.00 9 LIVES (PG, HD, C) Matai
Smith hosts a bilingual game
show in which contestants
put their “lives” on the line to
take home cash prizes in a
general knowledge test.
7.00 ■ The Croods 2: A New
Age (2020, G, HD, C, AD)
The Croods meet the
Bettermans, a more evolved
family who live behind a
giant wall. Voices of Nicolas
Cage, Emma Stone, Ryan
Reynolds, Peter Dinklage.
TV Films, page 68
8.45 ■ The Dark Tower (2017,
M, R, HD, C, AD) A boy
becomes the apprentice
of a gunslinger who is
tasked with protecting a
tower at the centre of the
universe. Idris Elba, Matthew
McConaughey, Tom Taylor.
TV Films, page 68
10.35 ■ Batman Begins (2005,
M, R, HD, C, AD) Bruce
Wayne returns to Gotham
intent on fighting crime and
corruption. Christian Bale,
Michael Caine, Katie Holmes,
Cillian Murphy.
1.05am The Voice UK (G, R, HD, C)
3.40 ■ The Farmer Wants a Wife
(PG, R, HD, C)
4.35 Fresh (PG, R, HD, C)
5.00 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
SATURDAY MARCH 26
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 Charles Stanley (PG, HD)
6.30 Infomercials
9.30 Newshub Nation (HD)
Simon Shepherd and Oriini
Kaipara present a current
affairs show.
10.30 The House That 100K Built
(G, R, HD, C) s2ep5
11.40 Home Town (G, HD) s3ep5
12.40 Celebrity Family Feud (PG,
R, HD, C) s1ep6
1.35 ■ Our Dream Wedding
(2021, PG, HD) Madeline
Marconi, Laimarie Serrano. Film: HIGH TIDE DON’T
3.30 Rescue My Renovation (G, HIDE
HD) s4ep6
4.00 Buddy vs Duff (PG, HD) When the stories are told
s1ep3 about the fight against
5.00 Ripley’s Believe It or Not climate change, here’s one
(PG, HD) s1ep9
6.00 Newshub Live (HD)
that shows there were Kiwi
7.00 ■ Mamma Mia! Here We teenagers who gave it a good
Go Again (2018, PG, R, HD, crack. This documentary,
C) As she prepares for the which won a special mention
grand reopening of her hotel,
a woman learns more about at the 2021 Doc Edge Film
her mother’s past. Meryl Festival, follows five young
Streep, Lily James, Pierce people as they join the global
Brosnan. TV Films, page 68
student protests in 2019. They
9.10 ■ Bachelorette (2012, 16, HD,
C) At a bachelorette party include Helena and Lillian in
for their friend, three women Thames, who are battling to
ruin her wedding dress. get local leaders to acknowl-
Kirsten Dunst, Rebel Wilson,
Isla Fisher, Lizzy Caplan,
edge that the seas are
James Marsden. TV Films, rising, and poet Fili, in South
page 68 Auckland, who is focused on
11.00 ■ The Nanny Betrayal (2018, the devastation in the Pacific.
PG, R, HD) Olesya Rulin.
12.55am Infomercials “Why are there no brown
5.00 Brian Houston @ Hillsong voices in these conversations,
(PG, HD) on these committees, when
5.30 – 6.00 Charles Stanley
this issue is affecting us?” she
(PG, HD)
told The Project.
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004 TVNZ ONDEMAND
6.00 Infomercials
8.00 Kids’ Programmes (C)
9.50 ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup Highlights (G)
Bangladesh v Australia.
11.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World
Cup New Zealand v Pakistan,
live from Hagley Oval,
Christchurch.
6.00 The Great British Bake Off:
An Extra Slice (PG, C)
7.00 Storage Wars (PG, R, C)
7.30 Raised by Refugees (PG, R,
C) To retain customers, Safia
learns the art of banter. Film: BATMAN BEGINS
8.00 Tough as Nails (PG, C) The There would be no Robert
crew face a rescue challenge
Pattinson in The Batman
with the US Coast Guard.
9.00 Border Security: Australia’s (four stars from our reviewer)
Front Line (PG, R, C) without Christopher Nolan’s
9.30 Super Rugby Pacific (G) awesome reboot of a fran-
Chiefs v Crusaders, from
chise that was thought lost
FMG Stadium Waikato,
Hamilton. after Batman & Robin (1997)
11.30 NRL Premiership (G) and Catwoman (2004). Chris-
Melbourne Storm v tian Bale’s Batman was deep,
Parramatta Eels. broody and new at the time, if
1.30am NXT (PG)
2.30 Love Island USA (M) possibly in need of a Strepsil.
3.30 – 6.00 Infomercials TVNZ 2, 10.35pm
71
SATURDAY MARCH 26
MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019
6.30 Kids’ Programmes
9.30 Kōrero Mai (G, R)
10.30 Ako (G, R)
11.00 Haka Ngahau ā-Rohe:
Mataatua (G, R)
Noon Ringa Pakia (G, R)
12.30 Ariki (G, R)
1.00 Whakataukī (G, R)
1.30 Karanga: The First Voice
(G, R)
2.00 Whaikōrero (G, R)
2.30 Iwi Anthems (G, R)
3.00 Kids’ Programmes
4.00 Matangi Rau (G, R)
5.00 Fusion Feasts (G, R)
5.30 Off the Grid (G, R)
6.00 Matau Bros Gone Fishing
(G, R) The brothers face
a tougher challenge than
expected.
6.30 Soul Sessions (G, R) Sara-
Jane Elika hosts a gospel
music series. Tonight, singer-
songwriter Silika Isaia.
7.00 ■ Agent Cody Banks (2003,
PG) A high school junior
goes on missions for the CIA.
Frankie Muniz, Hilary Duff.
TV Films, page 68
8.50 ■ Goldstone (2016, M, R)
Three years after exposing
corruption in his home
town, a detective is sent to a
small mining town to find a
missing Asian tourist. Aaron
Pedersen, Alex Russell, David
Gulpilil, David Wenham, Jacki
Weaver.
10.40 – 11.40 Billy T James (G, R)
Comedy series.
TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
7.00 DUKEbox Music
12.45 Extreme E: Electric Odyssey
1.15 The Chase Australia (G,
HD, C)
2.05 Pure Fly NZ (M, R, HD)
2.55 The Big Bang Theory (G, R,
HD, C) s2ep17
6.05 Ten 7 Summer (PG, HD, C)
6.35 Hustle & Tow (G, HD)
7.05 Family Guy (PG, R, HD,
C, AD) The Griffins open a
restaurant, but can’t attract
any customers.
7.30 The Simpsons (PG, R, HD, C)
When Lisa’s plan to become
more popular backfires, Lady
Gaga shows up in Springfield
to help her with her self-
esteem. s23ep22
8.30 Taskmaster (16, R, HD, C,
AD) Greg Davies and Alex
Horne give bizarre tasks to a
group of comedians. s6ep3
9.30 ■ Se7en (1995, 16, HD, C,
AD) Two detectives hunt
a serial killer who is taking
his inspiration from the
seven deadly sins. Brad Pitt,
Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth
Paltrow.
11.50 Alphas (M, HD)
12.40am Blood Drive (16, HD) 1.30 –
2.20 ■ Dominion (16, HD)
72
Factual: COOPER’S TREASURE
Perhaps searching for sunken treasure
is the last Indiana Jones-style quest;
anything else is just looting. The series
follows historical shipwreck recovery
expert Darrell Miklos as he follows
clues left by his friend, the astronaut
Gordon Cooper.
RUSH, 7.30pm
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Infomercials
10.00 Shark Tank (PG, R, HD)
10.55 Keeping Up with the
Kardashians (PG, R, HD)
12.55 Southern Charm (PG, R, HD)
2.45 Love It or List It (G, R, HD)
3.45 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s4ep9
4.40 Celebrity Ghost Stories (PG,
R, HD)
6.30 Million Dollar Listing: Josh &
Josh (PG, HD)
7.30 The Big Shot with Bethenny
(HD) Business wannabes
compete to be second-
in-command to Skinnygirl
founder Bethenny Frankel.
8.30 The Real Housewives
Ultimate Girls (M, HD) A trip
kicks off with shots fired on
a private jet.
9.35 The Real Housewives of
New Jersey (M, HD) The
guys turn on Bill over
Jennifer’s antics.
10.35 Killer Siblings (M, R, HD)
11.30 Snapped (M, R, HD)
12.25am Infomercials 5.00 – 6.00
Face Off (PG, R, HD)
6.05 Rams (2020, PG) Sam Neill,
Michael Caton
8.05 The Dry (2020, 16) Eric
Bana, Genevieve O’Reilly
10.00 Wrath of Man (2021, 16)
Jason Statham
11.56 Radioactive (2019, M)
Rosamund Pike, Sam Riley
1.46 A Quiet Place Part II (2020,
M) Emily Blunt, Cillian
Murphy
3.21 Hard Kill (2020, 16) Jesse
Metcalfe, Bruce Willis
4.57 Ride Like a Girl (2019, PG)
Teresa Palmer, Sam Neill
6.36 Let Him Go (2020, M) Kevin
Costner, Diane Lane
8.30 The Outpost (2020, 16)
Based on the Battle of
Kamdesh during the war
in Afghanistan. Scott
Eastwood, Orlando Bloom
10.35 The French Dispatch (2021,
M) Journalists at a French
foreign bureau create the
final issue of their magazine.
Owen Wilson, Bill Murray,
Frances McDormand, Jeffrey
Wright
12.25am The Hitman’s Wife’s
Bodyguard (2021, 16) 2.20
Greenland (2020, M) 4.20 Four
Good Days (2019, M)
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 My Tiny Terror (PG, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 The Hairy Bikers’ Chocolate
Challenge (G, R)
9.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon Dancing on Ice (PG, R)
2.00 Clipped (PG, R)
3.00 Meet the Orangutans (G)
4.00 Nigelissima (G)
4.30 Gino’s Coastal Escape (G)
5.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 My Lottery Dream Home
International (G)
7.30 Celebrity Catchphrase (PG)
UK game show in which
celebs compete for charity.
8.30 ■ The Great Gatsby (2013,
M) Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey
Maguire, Carey Mulligan.
11.00 Celebrity Catchphrase
(PG, R)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
6.25 Single White Female (1992,
16) Bridget Fonda, Jennifer
Jason Leigh
8.10 A Night in Casablanca (1946,
G) Groucho Marx
9.35 Family Business (1989, M)
Sean Connery
11.25 The Shining (1980, 16) Jack
Nicholson, Shelley Duvall
1.43 Pale Rider (1985, PG) Clint
Eastwood, Michael Moriarty
3.35 The River Wild (1994, M)
Meryl Streep, Kevin Bacon
5.22 Modern Romance (1981, PG)
Albert Brooks
6.55 Dad’s Army (1971, PG) The
elderly members of a home
guard defend their town
during WWII. Arthur Lowe,
John Le Mesurier
8.30 The Bodyguard (1992, M)
After a pop singer receives
threatening notes, a former
secret service agent
becomes her bodyguard.
Kevin Costner, Whitney
Houston
10.35 The Swimmer (1968, M) Burt
Lancaster, Janet Landgard
12.10am Being John Malkovich
(1999, M) 2.00 T-Men (1947, PG)
3.30 All That Jazz (1979, M) 5.30
Comanche Station (1960, M)
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
6.00 Wheeler Dealers Marathon
(PG, R)
9.45 Tanked Marathon (PG, R)
2.15 Unique Rides (PG, R)
3.00 Treehouse Masters (PG, R)
3.45 Manhunt with Joel Lambert
(PG, R)
4.30 Abalone Wars (PG, R)
5.15 Goblin Works Garage
(PG, R)
6.00 Overhaulin’ (G, R)
6.45 Man vs Wild (PG, R) Bear
Grylls shows how to survive
in the deserts and mountains
of Arizona.
7.30 Cooper’s Treasure (M)
Darrell Miklos searches for
sunken treasure based on
information from astronaut
Gordon Cooper.
8.20 Bering Sea Gold (M) Zeke
takes a gamble on a new
dredger with game-changing
technology.
9.10 Jungle Gold (PG, R)
10.50 Overhaulin’ (G, R)
11.40 Man vs Wild (PG, R)
12.25am Programmes continue
7.40 Ammonite (2020, 16) Kate
Winslet, Saoirse Ronan
9.35 Kaleidoscope (2016, 16)
Toby Jones
11.15 There Are No Fakes (2019,
16) Canadian documentary.
1.15 The Unusual Suspects
Marathon (M) s1ep1-4
4.55 Crock of Gold: A Few
Rounds with Shane
MacGowan (2020, 16) UK
documentary.
7.05 Luxor (2020, M) Andrea
Riseborough
8.30 Rialto Selection: Eternal
Beauty (2019, M) A woman
suffering depression after
being left at the altar forms
a bond with another patient.
Sally Hawkins TV Films,
page 68
10.05 Above Suspicion (2019, 16)
Based on the true story of
one of the most notorious
crimes in FBI history. Emilia
Clarke, Jack Huston
11.50 The Other Lamb (2019, 18)
Raffey Cassidy
1.25am Crash and Burn (2016, M)
2.50 Hot Chocolate (2020, M) 3.10
The Unusual Suspects (M) s1ep1&2
5.00 The Unusual Suspects (16)
s1ep3&4
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.00 Veronica Mars (M) s4ep1 6.55 Monday
Mornings (M) s1ep9 7.55 Gilmore Girls Omnibus
(PG) Noon Downton Abbey (M) s5ep1 1.10 Blue
Bloods (M) s8ep12 2.00 Judge Judy Omnibus
(PG) 4.30 Veronica Mars (M) s4ep1 5.30 Indian
Dream Hotel (M) 6.30 A Million Little Things (M)
s2ep4 7.30 Martha’s Vineyard Mysteries: A Beautiful
Place to Die (PG) A detective is drawn back into
crime solving when a body washes up at Martha’s
Vineyard. 9.10 Riviera (16) Unable to broker peace
with Nico, Georgina is forced to disclose the truth
about Constantine’s death. s2ep8 10.10 Rizzoli &
Isles Omnibus (M) 2.20am Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
6.00 QI Marathon (M) 7.30 Would I Lie to You?
Marathon (PG) 9.00 The Bill Marathon (M) 1.10
Casualty (PG) 1.55 Professor T (M) s1ep2 2.45
Holby City (PG) s20ep48 3.50 Grantchester (M)
s1ep1 4.45 Grantchester (PG) s1ep2 5.40 Call the
Midwife (PG) s5ep2 6.40 Call the Midwife (M) The
Poplar community pulls together to prepare for
the annual summer fete. s2ep5 7.40 Casualty (PG)
s36ep27 8.30 Midsomer Murders (M) Barnaby and
Jones investigate a possible drowning, but can
they intervene before the body count escalates?
s13ep5 10.20 Hypothetical (M) With Tessa Coates,
Stephen Mangan, Shappi Khorsandi and Charlie
Brooker. s2ep4 11.10 Who Do You Think You Are?
(PG) Charles Dance explores his family history
and is determined to learn about his dad. 12.10am
Programmes continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.40 A Million Little Things (M) s4ep11 7.25 Temple
(16) s2ep final 8.10 Station Eleven (16) s1ep4 8.55
The Fear Index (16) s1ep2 9.40 Who Killed Garrett
Phillips? (16) s1ep2 11.20 The Rook (16) s1ep5
12.10 Intelligence Marathon (M) s2ep1-final 2.40
Peacemaker Marathon (18) s1ep1-6 7.00 Peacemaker
(18) Harcourt, Murn and Adebayo find themselves
surrounded by a full battalion of butterfly cops.
s1ep7 7.45 Peacemaker (18) With Peacemaker and
Adebayo unable to find common ground, the team
tries to kill the cow once and for all. s1ep8 8.30
Your Honor (16) As Carlo’s trial comes to an end,
Michael and Adam’s secrets unravel. s1ep10 9.30
Mayans M.C. (16) The need for justice ignites tough
decisions for the Reyes brothers and the MC. s2ep10
10.40 Billions (18) Chuck fights to unlock the city
for the people, and Prince and his brain trust hatch
a plan to turn the tables. s6ep9 11.40 Winning Time:
The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (16) s1ep2 12.40am
Programmes continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Home of the Year Scotland (PG) 7.05 Cake
Wars (PG) 8.45 Salvage Hunters: Best Buys
Marathon (PG) 11.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 12.10
Love Your Garden Specials (PG) 1.05 Long Lost
Family UK (PG) 2.00 Guy’s Grocery Games (PG)
3.50 BBQ Brawl (PG) 4.45 Restaurant: Impossible
(PG) 5.40 Shed and Buried Marathon (PG) 7.30
Great Canal Journeys (PG) Tim and Pru embark
on a voyage through canal history as they explore
the waterways of North East England. 8.30
Gardening Australia (PG) 9.40 Love Your Garden
(PG) In Grantham, Alan Titschmarsh visits Rob
and Margaret, who have fostered more than 150
children. 10.40 Born Mucky: Life on the Farm
(PG) 11.30 Guy’s Grocery Games (PG) 1.10am
Programmes continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? Marathon (M)
7.45 Still a Mystery (M) 8.35 Grave Secrets (M)
9.25 Nightmare Next Door (M) 10.20 Disappeared
(M) 11.15 The Perfect Murder (M) 12.10 Chasing
Ghislaine (M) 1.35 Signs of a Psychopath (M) 2.00
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
American Monster (M) 2.55 Evil Lives Here (M) 3.50
Your Worst Nightmare Marathon (M) 8.30 Chasing
Ghislaine (M) 10.00 Signs of a Psychopath (M)
10.30 The Perfect Murder (M) 11.25 Nightmare Next
Door (M) 12.15am Programmes continue
Sky Arts SKY 020
7.00 India on Film 8.00 Raúl Juliá: The World’s a
Stage 9.00 Forte 10.00 The Big Book Club 11.00
Stars of the Silver Screen 11.45 The Directors 12.30
Great British Photography Challenge 1.30 Rankin’s
2020 1.55 Sgt. Pepper Live (G) The Philharmonie
de Paris and artists from the British independent
rock scene pay tribute to the Beatles’ album. 3.00
India on Film 4.00 Art of Architecture 5.30 Put
Some Colour in Your Life 6.00 Other Voices 7.00
Koi (G) Documentary about two men who are still
searching for people missing after the 2011 tsunami.
8.00 Being Billy Apple (G) Documentary about
the New Zealand artist. 9.10 ■ Miguelito (2019, G)
Documentary. 10.45 ■ Munch in Hell (2018, PG)
Documentary about Norwegian painter Edvard
Munch. 12.00am Programmes continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.55 Dino Hunters
(PG) 7.45 Aussie Gold Hunters Marathon (PG) 12.10
Alaskan Bush People (PG) 1.05 Cal Fire (M) 2.00
Gold Rush (M) 2.55 Outback Opal Hunters (PG)
3.50 Mighty Cruise Ships Marathon (PG) 6.35 Gold
Rush: White Water (PG) 7.30 Maine Cabin Masters
(PG) 8.30 Homestead Rescue: Raney Ranch (PG)
9.30 Guardians of the Glades (M) 10.30 Strange
Evidence (PG) 11.25 Nasa’s Unexplained Files (PG)
12.15am Programmes continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.00 Food Factory (PG) 6.30 Running Wild with
Bear Grylls (PG) 8.30 The ‘80s Top Ten (PG)
9.30 Brain Games: On the Road (PG) 10.30 Great
Inventions (PG) 12.30 Original Sin (M) 1.30 Food
Factory USA (PG) 2.30 Colossal Machines (PG)
3.30 The 80s Top Ten Marathon (PG) 7.30 Inside
the SS (PG) 9.30 Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller
(16) Mariana follows a meth superhighway from
a cartel-run lab in Sinaloa across the border and
into the lives of American users. 10.30 Air Crash
Investigation (M) 12.30am Programmes continue
History SKY 073
6.30 The Food That Built the World (PG) 7.30
China’s Forbidden City (M) 8.30 Time Team 9.30
Megapolis 10.30 Time Team 11.30 Butterfly Effect
(PG) 12.30 Massive Engineering Mistakes (PG) 1.30
The Food That Built the World (PG) 2.30 China’s
Forbidden City (M) 3.30 Treasures Decoded (PG)
4.30 Egypt (PG) 5.30 Rome: Empire Without Limit
(PG) 6.30 The Nile: 5000 Years of History (PG)
7.30 Ancient Egypt: Life and Death (PG) 8.30 The
Engineering That Built the World (PG) Engineer
Joseph Strauss and President Herbert Hoover battle
to build the two longest suspension bridges of all
time in San Francisco. 9.30 Inside Hitler’s Bunker
(PG) 10.30 The Machines That Built the World (PG)
11.30 The War (M) 12.30am Programmes continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Life Below Zero (M) 6.50 Life Below Zero: The
Thaw (M) 8.30 24 Hours in A&E (PG) 10.10 Animals
with Cameras: The Making of (PG) 10.20 Strangest
Things (PG) Noon Round Planet (PG) 12.30 Wild
Kingdom (PG) 2.35 Fishing Leopards (PG) 3.30 Spy
in the Wild II (PG) 4.35 Ireland with Simon Reeve
(M) 5.40 The Dog Rescuers with Alan Davies (PG)
6.30 The Octopus in My House (PG) 7.30 Fishing
Leopards (PG) A leopard mother and her two cubs
survive in the wilds of Botswana by learning to
catch fish. 8.30 Equator from the Air (PG) Gordon
Buchanan crosses the Pacific, where marine life is
threatened by human activity. 9.35 Life Below Zero
(M) 10.30 The Truth About Better Mental Health
(PG) 11.25 Ireland with Simon Reeve (M) 12.30am
Programmes continue
SATURDAY MARCH 26
Living:
Li i G Greatt Canal
C l Journeys,
J 7
7.30pm
30
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
6.40 Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika v
Hurricanes, highlights 8.40 Gallagher Premiership,
Gloucester v Worcester Warriors, live 10.45 6
Nations, replay 12.45 Super Rugby Pacific, Rebels v
Fijian Drua, highlights 1.00 Gallagher Premiership,
London Irish v Harlequins, live 3.00 Rugby Heaven
4.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v Blues,
from Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin, live 6.30
Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v Crusaders, from FMG
Stadium Waikato, Hamilton, live 9.30 Super Rugby
Pacific, Reds v Waratahs, from Suncorp Stadium,
Brisbane, live 12.00am Six Nations, Italy v Scotland,
highlights 12.30 Six Nations, Wales v France,
highlights 12.50 Women’s Six Nations, Scotland
v England, from Edinburgh Rugby Stadium, live
3.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v Blues,
highlights 3.35 Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika
v Hurricanes, highlights 5.35 Women’s Six Nations,
Ireland v Wales, from RDS Arena, Dublin, live
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
6.30 Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika v
Hurricanes, highlights 7.00 NBL, Illawarra v NZ
Breakers, replay 9.00 Six Nations, France v
England, highlights 9.30 ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup, Bangladesh v Australia, highlights 10.30
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, New Zealand v
Pakistan, from Hagley Oval, Christchurch, live 7.00
Six Nations, France v England, highlights 7.30 Asian
Tour, Delhi Golf Club Open, round 3, live 11.30 Super
Rugby Pacific, Rebels v Fijian Drua, highlights 11.45
NBL, Illawarra Hawks v NZ Breakers, highlights
12.15am Super Rugby Pacific, Force v Brumbies,
replay from HBF Park, Perth 2.15 Super Rugby
Pacific, Moana Pasifika v Hurricanes, highlights
2.50 Indian Premier League, Chennai Super Kings v
Kolkata Knight Riders, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
6.00 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 2, from
National Cricket Stadium, live 11.00 PFL Challenger
Series, week 5, highlights Noon Pakistan v Australia
3rd test, day 5, last 2 hours, replay 2.00 NRL,
South Sydney Rabbitohs v Sydney Roosters,
replay from Accor Stadium, Sydney 4.00 Rugby
League, Women’s Premiership, Counties Manukau
v Canterbury, from Trusts Stadium, Auckland, live
6.00 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 2, last 2
hours, replay 8.00 PFL Challenger Series, week 6
11.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, Bangladesh
v Australia, highlights 12.00am ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup, New Zealand v Pakistan, highlights 1.00
South Africa v Bangladesh, 3rd ODI, highlights 1.30
West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 2, highlights
2.45 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 3, from
National Cricket Stadium, Grenada, live
73
SUNDAY MARCH 27
Travel: MIDNIGHT ASIA
This new six-part series is
fancifully subtitled “Eat Dance
Dream” and while we’re not
sure about the dreaming part,
there’s definitely eating and
dancing. Instead of looking at
the lovely sights, and sites, of
Tokyo, Seoul, Mumbai, Bang-
kok, Taipei and Manila, the
show spends a night out in
each city, when citizens come
out to play. The prime exam-
ple is Tokyo – a buttoned-up
culture by day, says one
commentator, so night-time
is when freak flags fly, such
as at famous fetish nightclub
Department H. There’s also
85-year-old DJ Sumirock, Bar
Trench, which is famous for
its cocktails, and a guy who
parks his tiny travelling bar
randomly around the city.
NETFLIX
THE LOCKDOWN
COLLECTION
Collections on the NZ On
Screen website include
Banned, Protest and Roger
Donaldson – and this charm-
ing list of things we did to
pass the time in lockdown.
They include the first episode
of Emmy award winner INSiDE
and animated series Social
Distancing.
NZ ON SCREEN
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
74
TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Rural Delivery (PG, R, C)
6.25 World’s Most Secret Homes
(G, R, HD, C)
7.15 Tagata Pasifika (R, HD)
7.40 Praise Be (G, R, HD, C) Chris
8.10 The Living Room (G, R, HD,
C) Australian lifestyle series.
9.00 Q+A with Jack Tame (HD,
C) Political interviews and
discussions.
10.00 Waka Huia (PG, HD) Māori
stories and histories for all
New Zealanders.
10.30 Marae (HD)
11.00 The Great British Sewing
Bee (PG, HD, C, AD) s3ep5
Noon Attitude (PG, R, HD, C, AD)
Maisie Chilton lives with
cerebral palsy and although
she grew up around her
mother’s art, she didn’t think
she would be able to paint
due to her shaky hands, but
since her mother’s death,
Maisie has become an artist.
12.30 Fair Go (R, C) Pippa Wetzell
and Hadyn Jones present
consumer affairs.
1.00 Sunday (R, C) Miriama Kamo
presents current affairs.
2.00 Extreme Food Phobics
(PG, HD, C, AD) UK series
following people as they
visit the Food Phobics Hub
and undergo therapy to help
them overcome their food
fears.
3.00 Inside Taronga Zoo (G,
R, HD, C, AD) Malakai the
koala is injured just as she
enters the zoo’s breeding
programme. s2ep4
4.00 Hotel Benidorm: Sun, Sea
and Sangria (PG, HD, C,
AD) Observational series
following life at the Rio Park
Hotel in Benidorm.
5.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Country Calendar (G, C, AD)
Local series featuring life in
rural Aotearoa.
7.30 Sunday (C) Miriama Kamo
presents current affairs.
8.30 Grand Designs UK (PG, HD,
C, AD) Young Cumbrian
couple Rob and Ruth take
on the ruins of a 200-year-
old former blacking mill
with the intent of preserving
as much of the original
structure as possible.
9.35 Holding (M, HD, C, AD) UK
comedy/drama series about
an Irish police officer who
hides from people and fills
his days with comfort food.
s1ep2
10.35 Australian Crime Stories (16,
HD, C, AD)
11.30 Black Sails (16, HD, C) Flint
urges caution on Silver, Max
leads Rackham and Bonny
up river and Rogers learns
the truth. s4ep7
12.35am – 6.00 Infomercials
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 Rescue Bots Academy (G, R,
HD, C)
6.10 Bluey (G, R, HD, C)
6.35 Masha and the Bear (G, R,
HD, C)
6.55 My Little Pony: Pony Life (G,
R, C)
7.15 Ben 10 (G, R, HD, C)
7.40 Wacky Races (G, HD, C)
8.05 SpongeBob SquarePants (G,
R, HD, C)
8.30 What Now? (G) Local kids’
show featuring, games,
interviews, fun and gunge.
9.30 Home and Away Omnibus
(PG, R, HD, C)
11.30 Shortland Street Omnibus
(PG, R, HD, C, AD)
1.50 American Housewife (G, R,
HD, C) s4ep20
2.15 United States of Al (PG, HD,
C, AD) s1ep7
2.40 Bob Hearts Abishola (PG,
HD, C) s3ep7
3.05 Call Me Kat (PG, HD, C, AD)
s1ep7
3.35 Punky Brewster (PG, HD, C,
AD)
4.00 ■ Dolphin Tale 2 (2014, G, R,
HD, C, AD) Harry Connick Jr,
Ashley Judd.
6.00 The Dog House Australia (G,
R, HD, C, AD) Factual series
about a dog sanctuary in
NSW.
7.00 The Void (PG, HD, C, AD)
Ashley Banjo and Fleur East
host a UK game show in
which contestants face a
series of physical challenges
on podiums and bridges
over an expanse of water.
8.00 ■ The Legend of Tarzan
(2016, M, R, HD, C, AD) A
British nobleman who was
raised in an African jungle
returns to the Congo to
investigate claims of slavery.
Alexander Skarsgard, Margot
Robbie, Samuel L Jackson,
Djimon Hounsou, Christoph
Waltz. TV Films, page 68
10.05 MacGruber (16, HD, C, AD)
US comedy series. Tonight,
with the team in shambles,
MacGruber attacks Queeth’s
massive compound to get
revenge. s1ep6
10.40 ■ The Tourist (16, HD, C) UK/
Australian mystery series.
Tonight, the Man believes the
truth about his identity lies
with the Russian woman he
has seen in his dreams. s1ep6
11.45 Homicide for the Holidays
(16, HD, C)
12.35am Three Days to Live (16,
HD, C)
1.25 The Killing of Jessica
Chambers (16, HD, C) s1ep6
2.10 Love Life (16, R, HD, C, AD)
s1ep6
2.45 Filthy Rich (16, R, HD, C, AD)
s2ep1
3.55 2 Tunes
4.00 Infomercials
4.30 Religious Programming
5.00 – 6.00 Infomercials
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 Life TV (PG, HD)
6.30 Brian Houston (PG, HD)
7.00 Charles Stanley (PG, HD)
8.00 Life TV (PG, HD)
8.30 Turning Point (PG, HD)
9.00 Extreme Couponing (PG, R,
HD) s1ep2
9.25 The Hui (R, HD, C) With
Mihingarangi Forbes.
9.55 Newshub Nation (R, HD, C)
With Simon Shepherd and
Oriini Kaipara.
10.55 Rescue My Renovation (G, R,
HD) s4ep6
11.15 Dr. Dee: Alaska Vet (PG, HD)
s1ep1
12.05 Extinct or Alive (PG, HD)
s1ep3
1.00 Muscle Garage (PG, HD)
1.45 Monster Jam (HD) s18ep5
2.45 Motorsport (HD) Supercars
Super2, round 1, Sydney.
3.45 Motorsport (HD) MotoGP,
round 2, Indonesia.
5.00 ITM Fishing Show Classics
(PG, HD, C) s2ep32
6.00 Newshub Live (HD)
7.00 Married at First Sight
Australia (M, HD, C, another
episodes screens tomorrow)
s9ep29
8.30 ■ Bad Boys for Life (2020,
16, HD, C) Two Miami
detectives investigate a
string of murders tied to
the past. Will Smith, Martin
Lawrence, Vanessa Hudgens.
TV Films, page 68
10.50 9-1-1 (M, R, HD, C) s3ep13
11.50 Haunted Towns (M, HD)
s1ep4
12.45am Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 AM Early (HD) With
Bernadine Oliver-Kerby.
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004
6.00 Kids’ Programmes (C)
7.00 Religious Programming (G)
10.00 Antiques Roadshow (G, R, C)
11.00 NRL Try Time (G)
Noon ICC Women’s Cricket World
Cup Highlights (G) New
Zealand v Pakistan.
1.00 Griff’s Great Kiwi Road Trip
(PG, R, C)
2.00 ANZ Premiership Mystics v
Pulse, live from Trusts Arena,
Auckland.
4.00 Mighty Machines (PG, R, C)
4.30 A-League Highlights (G)
5.00 Rugby Nation (G)
5.30 Prime News
6.00 Cruising with Jane
McDonald (G, R, C)
7.00 Storage Wars (PG, C)
7.30 NBL Basketball Cairns
Taipans v NZ Breakers,
live from MyState Arena,
Tasmania.
9.30 Yellowstone (16, C) Kayce
feels the heat from tribal
police.
10.30 SmackDown (PG)
11.30 World’s Most Unexplained
(M)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
 SUNDAY MARCH 27

MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019 Film: THE STRAIGHT STORY

The only Lynchian thing about this
6.30 Kids’ Programmes David Lynch film might be the score
8.30 Whānau Bake-Off (G, R)
by Angelo Badalamenti. Typically,
9.30 Best of Kai Time on the
Road (G, R)
after mind-benders such as Blue Velvet
10.00 Easy Eats (G, R) and Twin Peaks, Lynch called this
10.30 Moon Tide Fishing (G, R) G-rated biographical drama his “most
11.00 Te Ao Mārama experimental movie”.
11.30 Te Ao with Moana (G, R) MĀORI TV, 8.40pm
Noon Te Ao Tapatahi

12.30 Tagata Pasifika
1.00 Piri’s Tiki Tour (PG, R)
1.40 ■ Agent Cody Banks (2003,
PG, R) Frankie Muniz, Hilary
Duff.
3.30 Lucky Dip (G, R)
4.00 Waka Huia (G, R)
4.30 The Negotiators (G, R)
5.00 My Māori Midwife (PG, R)
5.15 K’Rd Chronicles (PG, R)
5.30 Te Ao Toa Erena Mikaere
and Stacey Fluhler present a
sports show.
6.30 First Footprints (2020, G, R)
Documentary series about
Australia’s ancient past.
7.30 Women of the Silk Road (G,
R) Documentary in which
four women from different
countries along the Silk Road
share their stories.
8.40 ■ The Straight Story (1999,
G) An elderly man makes a
long journey by lawnmower
to mend his relationship
with an ill brother. Richard
Farnsworth, Sissy Spacek,
Harry Dean Stanton.
10.40 – 11.40 Tāringa (G, R) A
bilingual podcast about the
use of te reo.
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Face Off Marathon (PG, R,
HD) s13ep2-5
9.10 Catfish Marathon (PG,
R, HD)
10.50 The Big Shot with Bethenny
(R, HD)
11.40 Undercover Boss (PG,
R, HD)
12.30 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s4ep10
1.30 Dog Rescuers (PG, R, HD)
2.30 Rich Kids Go Skint (PG,
R, HD)
3.30 Shark Tank (PG, R, HD)
6.30 Love It or List It (G, HD)
7.30 ■ Brokeback Mountain
(2005, M, R, HD) Two
cowboys form a relationship
that is further complicated
when they both marry. Heath
Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal,
Michelle Williams.
10.15 ■ Friends with Benefits
(2011, 16, R, HD) Two friends
believe adding sex to their
friendship will not lead
to complications. Justin
Timberlake, Mila Kunis.
12.30am – 6.00 Infomercials
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 Meet the Orangutans (G, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 Nigelissima (G, R)
8.30 Gino’s Coastal Escape (G, R)
9.00 Museum Mysteries (PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon Bakeaway Camp with
Martha Stewart (G)
1.00 The Laundry Guy (G)
1.30 Celebrity Catchphrase
(PG, R)
2.30 My Lottery Dream Home
International (G, R)
3.00 Preposterous Pets (PG)
4.00 Jamie’s Quick and Easy (G)
4.30 Mary Berry’s Simple
Comforts (G)
5.00 Museum Mysteries (PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 Billy Buys Brooklyn (PG)
7.30 The Chase USA (PG)
8.30 ■ On the Basis of Sex (2018,
M) Felicity Jones.
10.30 The Chase USA (PG, R)
11.30 Baggage Battles (PG)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
7.30 Tanked (PG, R)
9.00 Goblin Works Garage
(PG, R)
9.45 Abalone Wars (PG, R)
10.30 Treehouse Masters (PG, R)
11.15 Manhunt with Joel Lambert
(PG, R)
Noon Unique Rides (PG, R)
12.45 Overhaulin’ (G, R)
1.30 Wheeler Dealers Marathon
(PG, R)
6.00 Overhaulin’ (G)
6.45 Street Science (PG)
7.30 Goblin Works Garage (PG)
Jimmy de Ville, Ant Partridge
and Helen Stanley revive the
classic British engineering
company Goblin Works with
car and motorbike rebuilds.
8.20 Iron Resurection (PG)
Joe Martin and his team
give rusted and damaged
vehicles a second chance.
9.10 Texas Metal (PG)
10.00 Amish Mafia (M)
10.50 Overhaulin’ (G, R)
11.40 Street Science (PG, R)
12.05am Programmes continue

TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
7.00 DUKEbox Music
1.15 The Chase Australia (G,
HD, C)
2.05 Pure Fly NZ (M, R, HD)
3.00 The Big Bang Theory (PG, R,
HD, C) s10ep2
6.00 Ten 7 Summer (PG, HD, C)
6.30 Hustle & Tow (PG, HD)
7.00 Family Guy (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.30 The Simpsons (M, R, HD, C)
8.30 NZ Hunter Adventures (M,
HD) The crew set off on a
massive alpine undertaking
from Aoraki/Mt Cook village,
bagging a swag of 3000m
peaks before hunting their
way out the inhospitable
Cook River. s8ep5
9.50 SAS: Who Dares Wins
(M, C) The recruits face a
forward abseil, an extreme
water immersion exercise,
and a team event in a dark
network of tunnels. s6ep2
10.55 Race Across the World (G,
R, HD, C, AD) The teams
head out of Copan Ruinas
in western Honduras to their
next checkpoint, Panama
City.
12.05am – 12.55 12 Monkeys (M,
HD) s2ep4
6.00 Human Capital (2020, M)
Liev Schreiber, Marisa Tomei
7.35 All My Life (2020, M) Harry
Shum Jr, Jessica Rothe
9.04 Unhinged (2020, 16) Russell
Crowe, Caren Pistorius
10.34 The French Dispatch (2021,
M) Bill Murray
12.19 The Silencing (2020, M)
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
1.50 Crisis (2020, 16) Gary
Oldman, Armie Hammer
3.45 The Craft: Legacy (2020, M)
Cailee Spaeny, Gideon Adlon
5.20 Songbird (2020, 16) KJ Apa
6.45 Take Home Pay (2019, M) A
seasonal worker from Samoa
hires a private investigator
to help him retrieve some
stolen money. Tofiga
Fepulea’i, Vito Vito
8.30 Respect (2021, M) Based on
the story of singing superstar
Aretha Franklin. Jennifer
Hudson, Forest Whitaker
TV Films, page 68
10.54 The Marksman (2021, M)
Liam Neeson
12.38am Superintelligence (2020,
PG) 2.20 The Doorman (2020, 16)
3.54 Chronicles Mysteries: Vines
That Bind (2019, PG) 5.17 The
Unholy (2021, M)
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
6.45 Awakenings (1990, PG)
Robert De Niro, Robin
Williams
8.42 The Fan (1996, 16) Robert De
Niro, Wesley Snipes
10.34 Wolf (1994, M) Jack
Nicolson, Michelle Pfeiffer
12.35 Fanny (1961, G) Leslie Caron,
Horst Buchholz
2.45 The Bodyguard (1992, M)
Kevin Costner, Whitney
Houston
4.50 Crossroads (1986, PG) Ralph
Macchio, Joe Seneca
6.25 Nil by Mouth (1997, 18) Ray
Winstone, Kathy Burke
8.30 Funny Girl (1968, G) A bit
player on the vaudeville
stage works her way up
to stardom on Broadway.
Barbra Streisand, Omar
Sharif, Kay Medford, Walter
Pidgeon
10.55 Stand by Me (1986, M) Four
friends set out to find the
body of a missing boy. River
Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Wil
Wheaton, Jerry O’Connell,
Kiefer Sutherland
12.25am Gilda (1946, PG) 2.15 Death
Becomes Her (1992, PG) 3.55 The
Frighteners (1996, M) 5.45 Decision
at Sundown (1957, M)
6.50 Crock of Gold: A Few
Rounds with Shane
MacGowan (2020, 16) UK
documentary.
9.00 Luxor (2020, M) Andrea
Riseborough
10.25 Eternal Beauty (2019, M)
Sally Hawkins
Noon Above Suspicion (2019, 16)
Emilia Clarke, Jack Huston
1.45 Hot Chocolate (2020, M)
Margaret Sydenham
2.05 The Man on the Island
(2020, M) NZ documentary.
3.25 The Extraordinary (2019, M)
Vincent Cassel
5.20 The Mole Agent (2020, G)
Chilean documentary.
6.50 The Father (2020, M)
Anthony Hopkins
8.30 Rialto British: The Man in
the Hat (2020, PG) A man
journeys through France in
a Fiat 500. Ciarán Hinds,
Stephen Dillane TV Films,
page 68
10.10 Flannery (2019, M) US
documentary.
11.35 Fanny Lye Deliver’d (2019,
16) Maxine Peake
1.30am Betting on Zero (2016, PG)
3.20 The Father (2020, M) 5.00
The Man on the Island (2020, M)

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER 75

SUNDAY MARCH 27
SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.25 Indian Dream Hotel (M) 7.15 A Million Little
Things (M) s2ep4 8.05 Judge Judy Omnibus
(PG) 9.45 Rizzoli & Isles Omnibus (M) 1.55 Riviera
(16) s2ep8 2.50 Martha’s Vineyard Mysteries: A
Beautiful Place to Die (PG) 4.30 The Arrival (M)
s1ep1 5.30 Living with Tourette’s (M) s3ep2 6.30
Kids Say the Darndest Things (PG) s2ep15&16 7.30
Back in Time for School (PG) Following WWII,
the education system undergoes a revolution and
the students get a taste of deportment, debate
and even dancing. s1ep3 8.30 Council of Dads (M)
Robin contemplates romantic life after Scott, and
Luly and Evan make a risky investment. s1ep4 9.30
The Brokenwood Mysteries (M) When a body is
found in an abandoned mental health facility, Mike’s
interrogation skills are put to the test when the only
witnesses are ex-patients. s5ep4 11.15 The Arrival
(M) s1ep1 12.15am Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
7.30 The Vicar of Dibley (PG) s1ep4 8.00 Holby
City (PG) s20ep48 9.00 EastEnders Marathon (PG)
10.40 Heartbeat (M) s17ep11 11.30 The Graham
Norton Show (M) s25ep10 12.20 All Round to Mrs
Brown’s (M) s4ep5 1.00 8 Out of 10 Cats Does
Countdown (PG) 1.45 Midsomer Murders (M)
s13ep5 3.35 Peaky Blinders (16) 4.35 The Good
Karma Hospital (PG) s3ep1 5.35 Heartbeat (M)
s17ep11 6.30 Call the Midwife (PG) s8ep5 7.35
Professor T (M) A jeweller is run down in the street
and a collection of diamonds is found in his bag.
s1ep3 8.30 Who Do You Think You Are? (PG)
Comedian Josh Widdicombe traces his ancestry
back to the Tudor nobility. 9.30 Grantchester (PG)
After the death of two elderly sisters, Sidney and
Geordie try to track down a man on the run. s1ep3
10.30 Grantchester (PG) s1ep4 11.30 Casualty (PG)
s36ep27 12.15am Programmes continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.00 Intelligence (M) s2ep5&6 6.50 Peacemaker
Marathon (18) s1ep1-8 12.40 Winning Time: The Rise
of the Lakers Dynasty (16) s1ep2 1.40 Your Honor
(16) s1ep10 2.40 Mayans M.C. (16) s2ep10 3.45
Billions (18) s6ep9 4.45 Winning Time: The Rise of
the Lakers Dynasty (16) s1ep2 5.45 Your Honor (16)
s1ep10 6.45 A Million Little Things (M) s4ep11 7.30
Raised by Wolves (16) In the tropical zone, Mother,
Father and the children face hostility from the new
atheist collective. s2ep1 8.30 The Girl Before (16)
Jane gets the opportunity to live in a beautiful
house designed by a man who holds his tenants to
a rigid set of rules. s1ep1 9.30 The Gilded Age (M)
s1ep9 10.30 Real Time with Bill Maher (M) s20ep9
11.30 Somebody Somewhere (M) s1ep6 12.00am
Programmes continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 7.05 Garden Rescue
(PG) 7.55 Love Your Garden (PG) 8.45 Gardening
Australia (PG) 9.55 Back in Time for Dinner (PG)
10.50 Salvage Hunters: The Restorers (PG) 11.45
Great Canal Journeys (PG) 12.40 Delicious Miss
Brown (PG) 1.10 Trisha’s Southern Kitchen (PG) 1.35
Girl Meets Farm (PG) 2.00 Cake Wars Marathon
(PG) 5.40 Ugly House to Lovely House (PG) 7.30
Born Mucky: Life on the Farm (PG) 8.30 Salvage
Hunters: Best Buys (PG) 9.30 Inside the Factory
(PG) 10.30 Cake Wars Marathon (PG) 1.50am
Programmes continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Scorned: Love Kills (M) 7.45 True Conviction
(M) 8.35 Deadline: Crime with Tamron Hall (M)
9.25 Nightmare Next Door (M) 10.20 Disappeared
(M) 11.15 The Perfect Murder (M) 12.10 Reasonable
Doubt (M) 1.05 Body Cam (M) 2.00 The Murder
Tapes Marathon (M) 6.35 Chasing Ghislaine (M)
8.00 Signs of a Psychopath (M) 8.30 Still a Mystery
76
(M) 9.30 Grave Secrets (M) 10.30 The Perfect
Murder (M) 11.25 Nightmare Next Door (M) 12.15am
Programmes continue
Sky Arts SKY 020
6.45 ■ Munch in Hell (2018, PG) 8.00 Salzburg
Festival 2020: Cosi Fan Tutte 10.30 Put Some
Colour in Your Life 11.00 Koi Noon Being Billy Apple
1.10 ■ Miguelito (2019, G) 2.45 ■ Munch in Hell
(2018, PG) 4.00 Florez in Florence (G) Juan Diego
Flórez performs at the Maggio Musicale Fiorentino.
5.45 Up to the Sky 6.20 Johnny Cash: Man in Black
in Britain 7.10 The Great Pottery Throwdown 8.00
■ Depeche Mode: One Night in Paris (2002, G) A
concert recorded during the band’s Exciter tour in
2001. 10.00 Up to the Sky 10.30 Rock Legends:
Coldplay 11.15 Rock Legends: Prince 12.00am
Programmes continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.55 Expedition X
(M) 7.45 Guardians of the Glades (M) 8.35 Cal Fire
(M) 9.25 Alaskan Bush People (PG) 10.20 What on
Earth? (PG) 11.15 Gold Rush (M) 12.10 Outback Opal
Hunters (PG) 1.05 Dino Hunters (PG) 2.00 Gold
Rush Marathon (M) 7.30 Gold Rush: Dave Turin’s
Lost Mine (M) 8.30 Naked and Afraid XL (M) 10.30
Weird Earth (PG) 11.25 Alaskan Bush People (M)
12.15am Programmes continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.30 Lawless Island (PG) 8.30 Science of Stupid
Marathon (PG) 10.30 Scrapyard Supercar (PG)
11.30 Food Factory (PG) 12.30 Nazi Megastructures
Marathon (PG) 3.30 Airport Security: Madrid (M)
4.30 Air Crash Investigation (M) 5.30 Food Factory
(PG) 6.30 Brain Games: On the Road (PG) 7.30
Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller (16) 8.30 Great
Inventions (PG) The origins of computer games
and their impact on the world. 9.30 Colossal
Machines (PG) 10.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) In
lakes and rivers of the modern United States,
explorers are discovering forgotten shipwrecks from
the American Revolution. 12.30am Programmes
continue
History SKY 073
6.30 Inside Hitler’s Bunker (PG) 7.30 The Machines
That Built the World (PG) 8.30 Time Team 9.30
Ancient Egypt: Life and Death (PG) 10.30 The
Engineering That Built the World (PG) 11.30 Inside
Hitler’s Bunker (PG) 12.30 The Machines That Built
the World (PG) 1.30 The War (M) 2.30 D-Day Lost
Films (M) 4.30 WWII: The Price of Empire (M)
5.30 Sun Tzu: The Art of War (16) 7.30 Britain’s
Most Historic Towns (PG) Alice Roberts explores
Restoration London, including the plague, St Paul’s,
the crown and slavery, and the birth of modern
science. 8.30 Coast Australia (PG) Port Lincoln
to Adelaide. 9.30 Ancient Superstructures (PG)
10.30 Smoke and Steel: The Modern World (PG)
11.30 True Evil: Making of a Nazi (M) 12.30am
Programmes continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Life Below Zero (M) 6.50 Natural History
Museum (PG) 7.40 Louis Theroux: Selling Sex (M)
8.45 Trust Me, I’m a Doctor (PG) 9.40 Mountains:
Life Above the Clouds Marathon (PG) 12.25 The
Dog Rescuers with Alan Davies (PG) 2.00 24
Hours in A&E (PG) 3.40 Universe (PG) 4.40 Life
in the Undergrowth (PG) 5.35 Dynasties: The
Making of (PG) 5.45 Fishing Leopards (PG) 6.45
Life Below Zero (M) 7.40 The Dog Rescuers with
Alan Davies (PG) 8.30 Spy in the Wild II (PG) 9.35
Universe (PG) Brian Cox explores the faint band
of light that sweeps across the night sky, our own
galaxy, the Milky Way. 10.35 Universe: The Making
of (PG) 10.40 Trust Me, I’m a Doctor (PG) Michael
Mosley explores if sugar is really a toxin, and Chris
van Tulleken finds out if foods can be as potent as
medicines. 11.40 Mountains: Life Above the Clouds
Marathon (PG) 2.25am Programmes continue
Sky A
Sk Arts: JJohnny
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Cash:hMMan iin Bl
Black
k iin
Britain, 6.20pm
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
7.40 Super Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v Blues,
highlights 8.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v
Crusaders, replay from FMG Stadium Waikato,
Hamilton 10.00 SailGP, USA, day 1, from San
Francisco, live 11.30 Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs
v Crusaders, highlights Noon National Netball
League, Marvels v Central, from Trusts Arena,
Auckland, live 1.30 Women’s Six Nations, Ireland
v Wales, highlights 2.00 ANZ Premiership, Mystics
v Pulse, from Trusts Arena, Auckland, live 4.00
ANZ Premiership, Steel v Stars, from ILT Stadium
Southland, Invercargill, live 6.00 ANZ Premiership,
Mystics v Pulse, replay from Trusts Arena, Auckland
7.30 The Breakdown, live 8.30 Rugby Nation 9.00
Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v Crusaders, highlights
9.30 Super Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v Blues,
highlights 10.00 Women’s Six Nations, Ireland v
Wales, highlights 10.30 Indian Premier League,
Chennai Super Kings v Kolkata Knight Riders,
highlights 10.50 Indian Premier League, Delhi
Capitals v Mumbai Indians, live 2.50am Women’s
Six Nations, France v Italy, from Stade Des Alpes,
Grenoble, live 5.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Rebels v
Fijian Drua, replay
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
7.00 NBL, Illawarra Hawks v NZ Breakers, replay
9.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, Bangladesh
v Australia, highlights 9.30 ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup, New Zealand v Pakistan, highlights
10.30 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, England
v Bangladesh, live 7.00 Women’s Six Nations,
Scotland v England, highlights 7.30 Asian Tour,
round 4, Delhi Golf Club Open, live 11.30 Super
Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v Crusaders, highlights
12.00am Golf, WGC Match Play, day 4, highlights
from Austin Country Club 12.30 The Breakdown
1.30 Tennis, ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 4, match
of the day 3.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 4,
highlights 4.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 5, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
6.00 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 3, from
National Cricket Stadium, Grenada, live 11.00
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, New Zealand v
Pakistan, highlights Noon Pakistan v Australia, 3rd
test, day 4, highlights 12.30 Pakistan v Australia,
3rd test, day 5, highlights 1.30 ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup, India v South Africa, from Hagley Oval,
Christchurch, live 10.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World
Cup, New Zealand v Pakistan, highlights 10.55 ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, England v Bangladesh,
highlights 11.50 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup,
England v Bangladesh, highlights 12.45am West
Indies v England, 3rd test, day 3, last 2 hours, replay
2.45 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 4, from
National Cricket Stadium, Grenada, live
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Breakfast (HD, C) John
Campbell, Jenny-May
Clarkson and the Breakfast
team present news, sport,
information and weather.
9.00 The Ellen DeGeneres Show
(PG, HD, C)
10.00 Tipping Point (G, R, HD, C)
Ben Shephard hosts a UK
quiz show.
11.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
Noon 1 News (HD, C)
12.30 Emmerdale (PG, HD, C, AD)
Dawn is under immense
pressure, Manpreet puts on a
brave face, and a vulnerable
Amelia is left embarrassed.
1.30 Country Calendar (G, R, HD,
C, AD) Local series featuring
life in rural Aotearoa.
2.00 Ready Steady Cook (PG,
HD, C) UK series in which
chefs race the clock to
create appetising recipes
from mystery ingredients.
3.00 Tipping Point (G, HD, C) Ben
Shephard hosts a UK quiz
show.
4.00 Te Karere A Māori
perspective on the day’s
news and current affairs.
4.30 Neighbours (PG, HD, C) A
desperate search begins, and
David breaks a promise.
5.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Seven Sharp (HD, C) Hilary
Barry and Jeremy Wells
present current affairs and
entertainment.
7.30 Fair Go (C) Pippa Wetzell
and Hadyn Jones present
consumer affairs and
investigations.
8.00 Britain’s Most Expensive
Houses (PG, HD, C, AD) UK
series following the agents
at Sotheby’s International
Realty and their clients.
Tonight, broker Lee searches
for a buyer for the £17.5m
Huxley House on Billionaire’s
Row, and Toby is hoping to
sell the £1.1m Black House
in York, complete with a car
turntable. s1ep2
9.00 Border Security (PG, HD,
C) Factual series following
Customs and biosecurity
officers in Australia.
9.35 20/20 (C) Carolyn Robinson
presents international current
affairs and investigations.
10.35 1 News (HD)
11.05 The Cricket Roadshow (C)
Coverage of the world of
cricket.
11.35 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD)
12.05am Q+A with Jack Tame (R,
HD, C) Political discussions
and interviews.
1.10 Te Karere (R)
1.35 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Te Karere (R)
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 Les Mills Born to Move (G,
HD, C)
6.30 Mighty Little Bheem (G,
HD, C)
6.35 Code Fun (G, R, HD, C, AD)
6.50 Maia the Brave (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.00 Darwin and Newts (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.10 Trollstopia (G, HD, C)
7.35 Dragons: Defenders of Berk
(G, HD, C)
7.55 Pokémon Journeys: The
Series (G, R, HD, C)
8.20 Julius Jr. (G, HD, C)
8.40 Paw Patrol (G, R, C)
9.05 Infomercials
9.35 Les Mills BodyBalance (G,
HD, C)
10.00 Home and Away (PG, R, C)
10.30 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.00 The Mindy Project (PG, HD,
C) s6ep2
11.30 Oscars Red Carpet Live
(HD, C) Coverage from
Hollywood.
1.00 94th Annual Academy
Awards Live (C) Regina Hall,
Amy Schumer and Wanda
Sykes present the Oscars
from the Dolby Theatre in
Hollywood.
4.35 The Simpsons (PG, R, HD, C)
s26ep6
5.30 Friends (G, R, HD, C) s5ep24
6.00 The Simpsons (PG, HD, C,
AD) Teenage Homer and
Grampa take a road trip to
look for his mum. s33ep9
6.30 Home and Away (PG, C)
Cash and Jasmine share a
dream.
7.00 Shortland Street (PG, HD,
C, AD)
7.30 60 Seconds (PG, C, AD)
Local series in which Kiwi
hopefuls have just 60
seconds to impress.
8.30 Skin A&E (M, HD, C,
AD) UK series in which
dermatologists treat a range
of skin conditions.
9.30 Beyond the Veil (M, HD, C,
AD) A Kiwi-Filipino doctor
discovers that her deceased
grandmother has become a
corrupted witch.
10.00 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep10
10.30 The Walking Dead (16, HD,
C) s11ep14
11.20 2 Broke Girls (M, R, HD, C)
s6ep16
12.15am Brave New World (16,
HD, C)
1.00 Emmerdale (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
1.45 Infomercials
2.45 2 Tunes
2.55 MasterChef Australia (G, R,
HD, C) s11ep4
3.50 God Friended Me (G, R, HD,
C, AD) s2ep6
4.35 Neighbours (PG, R, HD, C)
5.00 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
MONDAY MARCH 28
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 AM (HD) With Ryan Bridge
and Melissa Chan-Green.
9.00 Infomercials
10.30 Match Game (PG, R, HD, C)
s2ep7
11.30 Extreme Couponing (PG,
HD) s1ep7
Noon You Live in What? (G, HD)
s2ep8
1.00 ■ Wish You Were Dead
(2017, M, HD) Brian Krause.
3.00 Cutthroat Kitchen (PG, HD)
s8ep3
4.00 Yard Crashers (G, HD)
s14ep10 Awards: 94TH ANNUAL
4.30 Newshub Live (HD) ACADEMY AWARDS LIVE
5.00 Gold Rush (PG, HD, C)
s3ep12 Presumably, it’s too late for
6.00 Newshub Live (HD) Academy voters to change
7.00 The Project (HD) With their minds after Jane Campi-
Kanoa Lloyd, Jesse Mulligan
and Jeremy Corbett. on’s “thoughtless” (her word)
7.30 Married at First Sight comment at the Critics Choice
Australia (M, HD, C, another Awards. After many, many
episodes screens tomorrow) awards wins, including best
s9ep30
9.00 Love It or List It Australia director at the Baftas, Golden
(G, HD, C) Andrew Winter Globes and Directors Guild
and Neale Whitaker help of America, she’s now the
homeowners decide whether
to renovate or relocate.
frontrunner at today’s Acad-
Tonight, a couple disagree emy Awards. The Power of the
over their 1940s brick home. Dog has 12 nominations and
s3ep9 Campion has already made
10.00 Newshub Late
10.30 ■ The Gulf (M, R, HD, C) history by becoming the first
Local crime-drama series. woman to receive more than
Tonight, a family man is one Academy Award nomi-
abducted. s2ep1 nation for best director and
11.30 Yard Crashers (G, R, HD)
s14ep10 for the first film directed by a
12.00am Infomercials woman to receive more than
5.30 – 6.00 AM Early (HD) With 10 nominations. (See our story
Bernadine Oliver-Kerby.
on page 62.)
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004 TVNZ 2, 1.00pm
6.00 Infomercials
7.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World
Cup Highlights (G) England
v Bangladesh.
9.00 Wheel of Fortune (G, R)
9.30 Antiques Roadshow (G, R, C)
10.30 The Office (PG)
11.30 Royal Pains (M)
12.30 The Comeback (M)
1.05 Friday Night Lights (M, C)
2.05 The Late Show (PG, R)
3.00 Wheel of Fortune (G)
3.30 Jeopardy (G)
4.00 American Pickers (PG, R)
5.00 Tagata Pasifika (G) Cricket: INDIAN PREMIER
5.30 Prime News LEAGUE
6.00 Storage Wars (PG, R, C)
7.00 Pawn Stars (PG, R)
The lucrative and hugely pop-
7.30 American Pickers (PG) ular Indian Premier League
8.30 The Crowd Goes Wild Live is under way, although all
9.30 ■ We Own the Night (2007, matches this season will
16, C) A New York nightclub
manager tries to save his
be played in Mumbai and
brother and father from Pune. The league has been
the Russian mafia. Joaquin expanded to 10 teams, with
Phoenix, Mark Wahlberg newbies Gujarat Titans and
TV Films, page 68
Lucknow Super Giants com-
11.50 The Late Show with Stephen
Colbert (PG) peting tonight.
1.00 – 6.00 Infomercials SKY SPORT 1, 2.50am
77
MONDAY MARCH 28
MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019
6.30 Kids’ Programmes
8.30 Oranga Ngākau (G, R)
9.30 Whānau Bake-Off (G, R)
10.00 Kai Safari (G, R)
10.30 Toi Te Ora (G, R)
11.00 Celebrity Playlist (G, R)
11.30 Piri’s Tiki Tour (PG, R)
Noon Te Ao Tapatahi
12.30 First Footprints (2020, G, R)
1.30 Tōku Reo (G, R)
2.30 Ako (G, R)
3.30 Kids’ Programmes
6.00 Haka Ngahau ā-Rohe:
Rangitane (G, R) Rangitāne,
from Fielding.
6.30 Te Ao Mārama
7.00 Marae Current affairs.
7.30 Te Ngākau Tapatahi (G, R)
Series profiling Māori knights
and dames. Tonight, Mason
Durie and Eddie Durie
8.00 Te Ao with Moana (G)
Moana Maniapoto presents a
current affairs series.
8.30 ■ Amazing Grace (2018,
G) Documentary featuring
footage of Aretha Franklin
at the New Bethel Baptist
Church in Watts, Los
Angeles, in January 1972.
10.10 Princesses (G, R) Men from
Turtle Island talk about what
they find beautiful in an
Aboriginal woman.
10.40 Matangireia (G, R)
Conversations examining the
political legacies of Māori
politicians. Tonight, Metiria
Turei.
11.10 – 11.40 Te Ao Mārama (R)
TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
6.00 On DUKE Today
Noon DUKEbox Music
1.10 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep6
1.35 Funny You Should Ask
(PG, HD)
2.20 My Country Kitchen (G, HD)
2.45 Hunting Aotearoa (G, R, HD)
3.15 Heavy Rescue 401 (PG, HD)
4.05 The Chase Aus (G, HD, C)
4.55 ABC World News (PG)
5.20 Xploration (PG, HD)
5.45 Abandoned Engineering
(PG, HD, C)
6.35 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep7
7.05 30 Rock (PG, HD, C) s6ep18
7.30 The Simpsons (G, R, HD, C)
s24ep4
8.30 Family Guy (M, C, AD) New
episode express from the US.
9.00 Family Guy (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
9.30 ■ HouseBroken (M, HD, C)
10.00 The Cricket Roadshow (C)
10.30 Taskmaster (16, R, HD, C,
AD) s1ep3
11.30 Robot Chicken (M, HD)
11.55 Aqua Teen Hunger Force
(M, HD)
12.25am The Shivering Truth (M,
HD) 12.35 Mr Pickles (16, HD) 1.00 –
1.25 ABC World News (PG)
78
Film: SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE
Steven Soderbergh won the Palme d’Or
in 1989 for his debut feature, instantly
making him an auteur at 26 – and
supercharging independent film in
the 90s. Sex is also considered the film
that put Sundance Festival on the map,
morphing it from arthouse to industry.
MOVIES CLASSICS, 8.30pm
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Infomercials
10.00 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s4ep13
10.55 Bar Rescue (PG, R, HD)
11.50 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep3
12.45 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
1.40 The Real Housewives of
New York City (M, HD)
2.40 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep1
3.35 Face Off (PG, R, HD) s13ep6
4.35 Celebrity Ghost Stories (PG,
R, HD)
5.30 Shark Tank (PG, HD)
6.30 Bar Rescue (PG, HD)
7.30 Snapped (M, HD) A woman
discovers her brother’s body
on his bathroom floor.
8.30 Snapped: Behind Bars (M,
HD) Sabrina Zunich tells
the chilling story behind her
foster mother’s murder.
9.30 Buried in the Backyard (M,
HD) A man vanishes after
winning the lottery.
10.30 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep4
11.30 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
12.20am – 6.00 Infomercials
6.53 Great White (2020, 16)
Katrina Bowden
8.22 Warrior Queen (2020, M)
Devika Bhise, Rupert Everett
10.01 Respect (2021, M) Jennifer
Hudson, Forest Whitaker
12.21 Spontaneous (2020, 16)
Katherine Langford, Charlie
Plummer
2.00 Danger Close (2019, 16)
Travis Fimmel, Richard
Roxburgh
3.55 Ordinary Love (2019, M)
Lesley Manville, Liam Neeson
5.25 Those Who Wish Me Dead
(2021, 16) Angelina Jolie,
Finn Little
7.05 Trauma Center (2019, 16)
Nicky Whelan, Bruce Willis
8.30 The Little Things (2021, M)
A deputy sheriff is sent on
what should’ve been a quick
assignment, but becomes
the search for a serial killer.
Denzel Washington, Rami
Malek
10.40 Irresistible (2020, M) Steve
Carell, Rose Byrne
12.20am Spiral: From the Book
of Saw (2021, 18) 1.52 Judas &
the Black Messiah (2021, 16) 3.54
The Forever Purge (2021, 16) 5.35
Voyagers (2020, 16)
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 Preposterous Pets (PG, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 Jamie’s Quick and Easy
Food (G, R)
8.30 Mary Berry’s Simple
Comforts (G, R)
9.00 Museum Mysteries (PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon History Hunters (G)
1.00 The Shatner Project (G)
1.30 Billy Buys Brooklyn (PG, R)
2.00 The Chase USA (PG, R)
3.00 Outback Vet (PG)
4.00 Gordon Ramsay’s Ultimate
Cookery Course (PG)
5.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 Filthy Garden SOS (PG)
8.00 Newshub Live
8.30 Changing Rooms UK (G)
9.30 Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG)
10.30 Filthy Garden SOS (PG, R)
11.30 Baggage Battles (PG)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
7.00 Othello (1951, G) Orson
Welles, Micheal MacLiammoir
8.30 Close Encounters of the
Third Kind (1977, PG)
Richard Dreyfuss, Teri Garr
10.45 The Night of the Generals
(1967, PG) Omar Sharif
1.05 The Sailor Who Fell from
Grace with the Sea (1976, 18)
Kris Kristofferson
2.50 The Dead (1987, PG) Anjelica
Huston, Donal McCann
4.10 Buck and the Preacher
(1972, M) Sidney Poitier,
Harry Belafonte
5.50 The Towering Inferno (1974,
PG) Steve McQueen, Paul
Newman
8.30 Sex, Lies and Videotape
(1989, M) A successful
lawyer’s affair with his sister-
in-law becomes complicated
with the arrival of a visitor
with an usual fetish. James
Spader, Andie MacDowell,
Peter Gallagher
10.10 Escape from New York (1981,
16) Kurt Russell
11.50 Bird on a Wire (1990, PG)
Mel Gibson, Goldie Hawn
1.37am Dr. Strangelove (1964, PG)
3.10 Waterloo (1970, G) 5.20 The
House That Dripped Blood (1971, M)
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
6.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.45 Goblin Works Garage (PG, R)
7.30 Tanked (PG, R)
8.15 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
9.00 Iron Resurection (PG, R)
9.45 Texas Metal (PG, R)
10.30 Alaskan Bush People
(PG, R)
11.15 Tanked (PG, R)
Noon Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.45 Treehouse Masters (PG, R)
1.30 Homestead Rescue (PG, R)
2.15 Bushcraft Build-Off (PG, R)
3.00 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
3.45 Tanked (PG, R)
4.30 Goblin Works Garage (PG, R)
5.15 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.00 Tanked (PG)
6.45 Wheeler Dealers (PG)
7.30 Manhunt with Joel Lambert
(PG)
8.20 Man vs Wild (PG) Bear Grylls
is in Borneo.
9.10 The Wheel (M)
10.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG)
10.50 Tanked (PG, R)
11.40 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.25am Programmes continue
6.20 The Extraordinary (2019, M)
Vincent Cassel
8.10 The Mole Agent (2020, G)
Chilean documentary.
9.40 The Man in the Hat (2020,
PG) Ciaran Hinds
11.20 Flannery (2019, M) US
documentary.
12.45 The Father (2020, M)
Anthony Hopkins
2.25 Blood (M) s2ep1&2
4.05 The Midwife (2017, M)
Catherine Deneuve
6.00 Once Were Brothers:
Robbie Robertson and the
Band (2019, M) Canadian
documentary.
7.40 L’Opera (M) s1ep5
8.30 Rialto World: Only the
Animals (2019, M) Following
the disappearance of a
housewife, five people linked
to her are brought together.
Denis Ménochet, Laure
Calamy TV Films, page 68
10.30 Aniara (2018, 18) A
spaceship carrying settlers
to Mars heads off course.
Emelie Garbers
12.15am The Attack: The
Copenhagen Shootings (2020, 16)
1.50 Instinto (18) s1ep1 3.25 Aniara
(2018, 18) 5.10 L’Opera (M) s1ep5
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.00 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.50 Judge Judy (PG)
7.15 Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep2 8.05 Medium (M)
s3ep9 8.50 Judging Amy (M) s3ep7 9.40 Major
Crimes (M) s2ep9 10.30 Judge Judy (PG) 11.15
The Brokenwood Mysteries (M) s5ep4 1.00 The
Arrival (M) s1ep1 2.00 Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep2 2.50
Medium (M) s3ep9 3.40 Judging Amy (M) s3ep7
4.30 Judge Judy (PG) 5.30 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.30
Major Crimes (M) s2ep9 7.30 Hospital (M) s5ep3
8.30 Ambulance (16) 9.40 Stacey Dooley: The Truth
Behind … (M) Stacey investigates why Peru has
acquired the title of cocaine capital of the world.
10.40 Judging Amy (M) s3ep7 11.30 Judge Judy
(PG) 12.00am Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
6.35 Hypothetical (M) s2ep5 7.20 The Graham
Norton Show (M) s24ep6 8.10 The Bill (M) 9.00 A
Touch of Frost (M) s9ep1 10.15 Father Brown (M)
s1ep6 11.05 Doc Martin (PG) s6ep4 11.55 Midsomer
Murders (M) s5ep2 1.35 The Bill (M) 2.25 New Tricks
(M) s3ep5 3.25 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown
(M) 4.20 The Graham Norton Show (PG) s24ep7
5.15 Who Do You Think You Are? (PG) 6.20 QI (M)
6.55 EastEnders (PG) 7.25 QI (M) 8.00 Would I Lie
to You? (PG) 8.35 The Good Karma Hospital (PG) A
medical train rolls into town providing surgeries, and
a glamorous surgeon. s3ep2 9.30 Peaky Blinders
(16) s6ep5 10.30 Traces (M) s1ep1 11.25 Midsomer
Murders (M) s5ep2 1.05am Programmes continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.35 Raised by Wolves (16) s2ep1 7.25 The Girl
Before (16) s1ep1 8.25 The Gilded Age (M) s1ep9
9.25 Real Time with Bill Maher (M) s20ep9 10.25
Somebody Somewhere (M) s1ep6 10.55 A Million
Little Things (M) s4ep11 11.40 Raised by Wolves
(16) s2ep1 12.30 The Girl Before (16) s1ep1 1.30
The Gilded Age (M) s1ep9 2.30 Real Time with Bill
Maher (M) s20ep9 3.30 Somebody Somewhere
(M) s1ep6 4.00 Baskets (M) s4ep1 4.30 Shameless
(18) 5.30 The Name of the Rose (16) s1ep4 6.25
The Righteous Gemstones (16) s2ep3 7.00 Avenue
5 (M) 7.30 Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (M)
s9ep5 8.00 Mrs. Fletcher (18) s1ep3 8.30 Billions
(18) s6ep10 9.30 Station Eleven (16) s1ep5 10.25
Temple (16) s2ep7 11.10 Snowfall (18) s5ep1 12.00am
Programmes continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 7.10 Farmhouse Rules
(PG) 7.40 The Pioneer Woman (PG) 8.05 House
Hunters (PG) 9.00 Paramedics on Scene (PG) 10.00
Long Lost Family UK (PG) 11.00 A Place in the Sun:
Winter Sun (PG) 11.55 Grand Designs (PG) 12.55 My
Mortgage Free Home (PG) 1.50 Salvage Hunters
(PG) 2.45 House Hunters (PG) 3.45 Rachael Ray’s
Week in a Day (PG) 4.45 Long Lost Family UK
(PG) 5.40 Love It or List It UK (PG) 6.35 Grand
Designs (PG) 7.30 Escape to the Perfect Town
(PG) 8.30 Home of the Year Scotland (PG) 9.30
The Best House in Town (PG) 10.30 Escape to the
Country (PG) 11.30 House Hunters (PG) 12.20am
Programmes continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 6.55 Evil Lives Here
(M) 7.45 Reasonable Doubt (M) 8.35 Homicide
City (M) 9.25 Nightmare Next Door (M) 10.20
Disappeared (M) 11.15 The Perfect Murder (M) 12.10
Your Worst Nightmare (M) 1.05 Who the (Bleep)
Did I Marry? (M) 2.00 Scorned: Love Kills (M) 2.55
Obsession: Dark Desires (M) 3.50 Blood Relatives
(M) 4.45 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 5.40 Chasing
Ghislaine (M) 7.05 Signs of a Psychopath (M)
7.30 Evil Lives Here (M) 8.30 American Monster
(M) 9.30 Evil Lives Here (M) 10.30 The Perfect
Murder (M) 11.25 Nightmare Next Door (M) 12.15am
Programmes continue
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
Sky Arts SKY 020
6.00 Up to the Sky 6.30 Rock Legends: Coldplay
7.15 Rock Legends: Prince 8.00 Florez in Florence
9.45 Up to the Sky 10.20 Johnny Cash: Man in
Black in Britain 11.10 The Great Pottery Throwdown
Noon ■ Depeche Mode: One Night in Paris (2002,
G) 2.00 Up to the Sky 2.30 Rock Legends: Coldplay
3.15 Rock Legends: Prince 4.00 Exhibition on
Screen (PG) 5.30 ■ Ara Malikian: A Life Among
Strings (2019, G) 7.00 Landscape Artist of the Year
7.45 Raiders of Lost Art: Vanishing Vermeers 8.30
■ Nomad: In the Footsteps of Bruce Chatwin (2019,
G) Werner Herzog sets out on a journey inspired
by British travel writer Bruce Chatwin. TV Films,
page 68 10.00 The World’s Greatest Paintings
10.45 Talking Heads: Alan Bennett Monologues 11.15
Agatha Christie’s England 12.00am Programmes
continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.30 Man Caves
(PG) 6.55 You Have Been Warned (M) 7.45 Maine
Cabin Masters (PG) 8.35 Gold Rush (M) 9.25
Outback Opal Hunters (PG) 10.20 Dino Hunters
(PG) 11.15 Impossible Repairs (PG) 12.10 How
Do They Do It? (PG) 12.35 Man Caves (PG) 1.05
Mysteries at the Museum (PG) 2.00 Naked and
Afraid (PG) 2.55 Aussie Gold Hunters (PG) 3.50
Deadliest Catch (M) 4.45 Alaska: The Last Frontier
(M) 5.40 Fast N’ Loud (M) 6.35 Aussie Salvage
Squad (PG) 7.30 Railroad Australia (PG) 8.30
Impossible Repairs (PG) 9.30 World’s Biggest
Shipbuilders (PG) 10.30 Hunting Atlantis (PG)
11.25 Naked and Afraid (M) 12.15am Programmes
continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Trafficked with
Mariana van Zeller (16) 8.30 To Catch a Smuggler
(M) 9.30 Air Crash Investigation (M) 9/11: The
Pentagon Attack: It is September 11th and hijackers
storm the cockpit of American Airlines Flight 77 and
fly the plane into the Pentagon. 11.30 Food Factory
(PG) 12.30 Air Crash Investigation (PG) 1.30 Gordon
Ramsay: Uncharted (PG) 2.30 Great Inventions (PG)
3.30 Megastructures 4.30 Nazi Megastructures (PG)
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Colossal Machines
(PG) 8.30 Air Crash Investigation (M) 9.30 Search
for the Living Cannibals (PG) 10.30 Challenger
Disaster: Lost Tapes (M) 11.30 Food Factory USA
(PG) 12.30am Programmes continue
History SKY 073
6.30 Ancient Superstructures (PG) 7.30 Smoke
and Steel: The Modern World (PG) 8.30 Time Team
9.30 Britain’s Most Historic Towns (PG) 10.30 Coast
Australia (PG) 11.30 Ancient Superstructures (PG)
12.30 Smoke and Steel: The Modern World (PG)
1.30 Tanks 2.30 World at War (M) 3.30 History’s
Raiders (PG) 4.30 History Uncovered (16) 5.30
The Fatal Conflict: Judea and Rome (PG) 6.30
Time Team 7.30 Operation Stonehenge: What Lies
Beneath? (PG) 8.30 The Engineering That Built the
World (PG) The Hoover Dam. 9.30 Britain’s African
Emperor (PG) The story of Septimius Severus, who
took Rome’s throne in a civil war. 10.30 Ancient
Invisible Cities 11.30 Top Ten Treasures: Egyptian
Mummies (PG) 12.30am Programmes continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Animal Impossible (PG) 6.55 Life Below Zero
(M) 7.45 Where the Wild Men Are (M) 8.35 Brian
Cox: Forces of Nature (PG) 9.40 Trust Me, I’m a
Doctor (PG) 10.35 The Dog Rescuers (PG) 11.25 24
Hours in A&E (PG) 12.15 Wild City (PG) 1.10 Brian
Cox: Forces of Nature (PG) 2.15 Animal Impossible
(PG) 3.10 Wildest Places (PG) 4.05 Trust Me, I’m a
Doctor (PG) 5.00 Life Below Zero (M) 5.55 Where
the Wild Men Are: Revisited (PG) 6.50 The Dog
Rescuers with Alan Davies (PG) 7.40 24 Hours in
A&E (PG) 8.30 Life Below Zero (M) 9.25 Where
the Wild Men Are (PG) 10.20 Dynasties (PG) 11.15
Wildest Places (PG) 12.15am Programmes continue
MONDAY MARCH 28
SoHo: Mrs.
Mrs Fletcher,
Fletcher 8.00pm
8 00pm
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
7.00 Rugby, Gallagher Premiership, Exeter Chiefs v
Leicester Tigers, replay 9.00 The Breakdown 10.00
SailGP, USA, day 2, from San Francisco, live 11.30
Japan Rugby League One, Shining Arcs v Black
Rams Tokyo, replay 1.30 Women’s Six Nations,
France v Italy, highlights 2.00 Super Rugby Pacific,
Highlanders v Blues, replay from Forsyth Barr
Stadium, Dunedin 4.00 ANZ Premiership, Mystics
v Pulse, replay 5.30 ANZ Premiership, Stars v Steel,
replay 7.00 ANZ Premiership, Magic v Tactix, from
Trustpower Arena, Tauranga, live 8.45 Netball Zone,
live 9.15 The Breakdown 10.15 Super Rugby Pacific,
Reds v Waratahs, replay 12.15am Rugby, Gallagher
Premiership, Exeter Chiefs v Leicester Tigers, replay
2.10 Cricket, Indian Premier League, Punjab Kings v
Royal Challengers Bangalore, highlights 2.50 Indian
Premier League, Gujarat Titans v Lucknow Super
Giants, from Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai, live
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
6.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 5, live 4.00 Super
Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v Crusaders, replay from FMG
Stadium Waikato, Hamilton 6.00 The Breakdown
7.00 Women’s Six Nations, Scotland v England,
highlights 7.30 Pakistan v Australia, 3rd test, day
5, highlights 8.30 The Crowd Goes Wild 9.30 ATP
1000, Miami Open, day 5, highlights 10.30 Japan
Rugby League One, Shining Arcs v Black Rams
Tokyo, highlights 11.00 Japan Rugby League One,
Kobe Steelers v Toshiba Brave Lupus, highlights
11.30 NBL, Tasmania JackJumpers v NZ Breakers,
highlights 12.00am National Netball League, Marvels
v Manawa, replay 1.30 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day
5, match of the day 3.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open,
day 5, highlights 4.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day
6, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
6.00 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 4, from
National Cricket Stadium, Grenada, live 11.00
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, New Zealand
v Pakistan, highlights 11.30 Pakistan v Australia,
3rd test wrap 2.00 West Indies v England, 3rd
test, day 3, last 2 hours, replay 4.00 West Indies v
England, 3rd test, day 4, last 2 hours, replay 6.00
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, New Zealand
v Pakistan, highlights 7.00 ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup, England v Bangladesh, highlights 8.00
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, India v South
Africa, highlights 9.00 West Indies v England 3rd
test, highlights 10.00 Pakistan v Australia, 3rd test
wrap 12.30am ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup,
New Zealand v Pakistan, highlights 12.45 West
Indies v England, 3rd test, day 4, last 2 hours replay
2.45 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 5, from
National Cricket Stadium, Grenada, live
79
TUESDAY MARCH 29
Reality: PORTRAIT ARTIST
OF THE YEAR
The art show that put the
snobs in their place returns
for an eighth season. Portrait
Artist of the Year and its sister
show, Landscape Artist of the
Year, have been enormously
popular, not least because of
the sheer number of talented
amateur artists they have
revealed. Presenter Stephen
Mangan loves it so much
he told Metro.co.uk that he
hopes to stay until they wheel
him out on a hospital bed.
“The standard of art has just
got better and better and I
think more people are watch-
ing it and more artists are
applying.” In each heat, nine
artists paint celebrities in the
hope of making it to the final,
where the famous sitter is
Barry Humphries.
SKY ARTS, 8.30pm
Anime: THERMAE ROMAE
NOVAE
Just when you think you’ve
seen it all, along comes
a time-travel bathhouse
comedy. The manga by Mari
Yamazaki about a Roman
architect who is sucked into
bathhouses in modern Japan
is now a series. Lucius Mod-
estus becomes a success in
Rome thanks to innovations
such as the bidet.
NETFLIX
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
80
TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Breakfast (HD, C) John
Campbell, Jenny-May
Clarkson and the Breakfast
team present news, sport,
information and weather.
9.00 The Ellen DeGeneres Show
(PG, HD, C) Ellen DeGeneres
presents a US talk show.
10.00 Tipping Point (G, R, HD, C)
Ben Shephard hosts a UK
quiz show.
11.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
Noon 1 News (HD, C)
12.30 Emmerdale (PG, C, AD)
Anticipation builds for
Meena’s plea hearing.
1.00 Fair Go (R, C) Pippa Wetzell
and Hadyn Jones present
consumer affairs and
investigations.
1.30 Country House Hunters (G,
R, HD, C) Australian couples
and families search for a new
house in the country.
2.00 Ready Steady Cook (PG,
HD, C) UK series in which
chefs race the clock to
create appetising recipes
from mystery ingredients.
3.00 Tipping Point (G, HD, C) Ben
Shephard hosts a UK quiz
show.
4.00 Te Karere A Māori
perspective on the day’s
news and current affairs.
4.30 Neighbours (G, C) Aaron
and David struggle to see
eye to eye, and Levi finds
himself between a rock and
a hard place.
5.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Seven Sharp (HD, C) Hilary
Barry and Jeremy Wells
present current affairs and
entertainment.
7.30 Dog Squad (PG, HD, C,
AD) Local series following
working dogs and their
handlers as they go about
their daily duties on the
streets, at the airport and on
the border.
8.00 Border Security (PG, HD, C,
AD) Factual series following
Customs and biosecurity
officers in Australia.
8.30 Nurses Down Under (M,
HD, C, AD) Factual series
following nurses who work
in three of Sydney’s busiest
hospitals.
9.30 Coronation Street (PG,
C, AD)
10.30 1 News (HD)
11.00 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.30 Sunday (R, C) Miriama Kamo
presents current affairs.
12.25am Inside Central Station (M,
R, HD, C, AD)
1.15 Te Karere (R)
1.40 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Te Karere (R)
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 Les Mills Born to Move (G,
HD, C)
6.25 Mighty Little Bheem (G,
HD, C)
6.35 Code Fun (G, R, HD, C, AD)
6.45 Maia the Brave (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
6.55 Darwin and Newts (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.10 Trollstopia (G, HD, C)
7.30 Dragons: Defenders of Berk
(G, HD, C)
7.55 Pokémon Journeys: The
Series (G, R, HD, C)
8.20 Julius Jr. (G, HD, C)
8.40 Paw Patrol (G, R, C)
9.05 Infomercials
9.35 Les Mills BodyCombat (G,
HD, C)
10.00 Home and Away (PG, R, C)
10.30 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.05 The Mindy Project (PG, HD,
C) s6ep3
11.30 Charmed (PG, HD, C)
s2ep20
12.25 Heroes (PG, HD, C) s2ep8
1.20 The Drew Barrymore Show
(PG, C)
2.15 Superstore (PG, HD, C, AD)
s4ep6
2.35 60 Seconds (PG, R, C, AD)
3.30 The Feed (G, HD)
5.00 The Simpsons (G, R, HD, C)
s26ep8
5.30 Friends (G, R, HD, C) s6ep1
6.00 The Big Bang Theory (PG,
R, HD, C) On Valentine’s
Day, Leonard can only take
one guest to see the world’s
largest particle accelerator in
Switzerland. s3ep15
6.30 Home and Away (PG, C)
Leah and Justin go behind
Theo’s back, and Nikau tells
Chloe to back off.
7.00 Shortland Street (PG, HD,
C, AD)
7.30 Travel Guides (PG, HD, C,
AD) The Travel Guides head
for the Kimberley in Western
Australia for the most
remote holiday they’ve ever
had.
8.30 CSI: Vegas (16, HD, C,
AD) An abandoned horse
covered in blood leads the
team to a halfway house for
convicted murderers. s1ep7
9.25 FBI: International (16, HD, C,
AD) The American founder
of an illegal adult website is
killed in Prague. s1ep7
10.15 CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation (16, HD, C)
s2ep2
12.10am Claws (M, HD, C)
1.00 Emmerdale (PG, R, C, AD)
1.25 Infomercials
2.20 2 Tunes
2.30 MasterChef Australia (PG, R,
HD, C) s11ep5
3.50 God Friended Me (G, R, HD,
C, AD) s2ep7
4.35 Neighbours (G, R, C)
5.00 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 AM (HD) With Ryan Bridge
and Melissa Chan-Green.
9.00 Infomercials
10.30 Match Game (PG, R, HD, C)
s2ep9
11.30 Extreme Couponing (PG,
HD) s1ep8
Noon You Live in What? (G, HD)
s2ep9
1.00 ■ Stressed to Death (2019,
M, HD) Taylor Blackwell, Gina
Holden, Sarah Aldrich.
3.00 Cutthroat Kitchen (PG, HD)
s8ep4
4.00 Yard Crashers (G, HD)
s14ep11
4.30 Newshub Live (HD)
5.00 Gold Rush (PG, HD, C)
s3ep13
6.00 Newshub Live (HD)
7.00 The Project (HD) With
Kanoa Lloyd, Jesse Mulligan
and Jeremy Corbett.
7.30 Married at First Sight
Australia (M, HD, C, another
episodes screens tomorrow)
s9ep31
9.00 Australia Behind Bars
(M, HD, C) Melissa Doyle
presents a series about the
harsh realities of daily life
behind bars for inmates and
corrections officers. s1ep8
9.55 Newshub Late
10.25 The Hui (HD) Mihingarangi
Forbes presents current
affairs.
11.00 Newshub Nation (R, HD, C)
Simon Shepherd and Oriini
Kaipara present a current
affairs show.
12.10am Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 AM Early (HD) With
Bernadine Oliver-Kerby.
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004
6.00 Infomercials
8.00 Kids’ Programmes (C)
9.00 Wheel of Fortune (G, R)
9.30 Antiques Roadshow (PG,
R, C)
10.30 The Office (PG)
11.30 Royal Pains (M)
12.30 The Comeback (M)
1.05 Friday Night Lights (M, C)
2.00 The Late Show (PG, R)
3.00 Wheel of Fortune (G)
3.30 Jeopardy (G)
4.00 American Pickers (PG, R)
5.00 Netball Zone (G)
5.30 Prime News
6.00 Storage Wars (PG, R, C)
7.00 Pawn Stars (PG, R)
7.30 American Pickers (PG)
8.30 Dan Brown’s The Lost
Symbol (M, C) Mal’akh
pressures Langdon and
Peter to decipher the clues.
9.30 ■ Fires (M, C) On New Year’s
Eve, a usually picturesque
holiday town looks like a war
zone.
10.40 The Breakdown (G)
11.45 12.45am The Late Show
with Stephen Colbert (PG)
1.00 – 6.00 Infomercials
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
 TUESDAY MARCH 29

MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019 Factual: RIVER OF NO RETURN

If we were cynics, we might wonder
6.30 Kids’ Programmes why homesteaders living in the
8.30 Oranga Ngākau (G, R)
remote Idaho wilderness would allow
9.30 Whānau Bake-Off (G, R)
10.00 He Kākano (G, R)
camera crews to disturb their peace,
10.30 Toi Te Ora (G, R) but an area described as “one of
11.00 Waiata Nation (G, R) America’s last frontiers”, and its self-
11.30 School of Training (G, R) reliant inhabitants, are on full display.
Noon Te Ao Tapatahi RUSH, 8.20pm
12.30 Soul Sessions (G, R)

1.00 The Casketeers (PG, R)
1.30 Tōku Reo (G, R)
2.30 Ako (G, R)
3.30 Kids’ Programmes
6.00 Haka Ngahau ā-Rohe:
Rangitane (G, R) Rangitāne,
from Fielding.
6.30 Te Ao Mārama
7.00 Toi Te Ora (G, R) Rewi
Spraggon discusses his
hāngī business.
7.30 David Rocco’s Dolce Africa
(G) David Rocco explores
the cultures and cuisines of
Ethiopia, Kenya, Tanzania,
Zanzibar and South Africa.
8.00 Hunt with Me (PG, R) The
Clarke Boys track down
deer, and Shannon Neho is
hunting at Houhora.
8.30 Animal Empires (G) Wildlife
series.
9.30 Fighting Chance (PG) The
crew begin to strengthen
what they’re good at.
10.00 Home, Land and Sea (G,
R) Series celebrating Māori
success in the farming sector.
10.30 2021 National Sprint
Championships (R)
11.00 – 11.40 Te Ao Mārama (R)
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Infomercials
10.00 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep1
10.55 Bar Rescue (PG, R, HD)
11.50 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep4
12.50 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
1.45 The Real Housewives of
New York City (M, HD)
2.45 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep2
3.40 Face Off (PG, R, HD) s13ep7
4.40 Celebrity Ghost Stories (PG,
R, HD)
5.35 Shark Tank (PG, HD)
6.35 Bar Rescue (PG, HD)
7.30 Air Crash Investigations
(M, HD)
8.30 Reported Missing (M, R, HD)
An ex-soldier with PTSD
goes missing after posting
that he wants to end it all.
9.45 Killer Siblings (M, HD) A
peaceful town is rocked by
the murder of the young
wife of a preacher’s son.
10.45 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep5
11.40 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
12.30am – 6.00 Infomercials
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 Outback Vet (PG, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 Gordon Ramsay’s Ultimate
Cookery Course (PG, R)
9.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG, R)
1.00 Changing Rooms UK (G, R)
2.00 Filthy Garden SOS (PG, R)
3.00 Meet the Penguins (G)
4.00 Jamie and Jimmy’s Food
Fight Club (PG)
5.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 The Motorway (PG)
8.00 Newshub Live With Rebecca
Wright.
8.30 Big House Clearout (PG)
9.30 Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG)
10.30 The Motorway (PG, R)
11.30 Baggage Battles (PG)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
6.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.45 Manhunt with Joel Lambert
(PG, R)
7.30 Tanked (PG, R)
8.15 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
9.00 Man vs Wild (PG, R)
9.45 The Wheel (M, R)
10.30 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
11.15 Tanked (PG, R)
Noon Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.45 Unique Rides (PG, R)
1.30 Kindig Customs (PG, R)
2.15 Street Outlaws: No Prep
Kings (PG, R)
3.00 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
3.45 Tanked (PG, R)
4.30 Manhunt with Joel Lambert
(PG, R)
5.15 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.00 Tanked (PG)
6.45 Wheeler Dealers (PG)
7.30 Abalone Wars (PG)
8.20 River of No Return (M)
9.10 Deadliest Catch (M)
10.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG)
10.50 Tanked (PG, R)
11.40 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.25am Programmes continue

TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
6.00 On DUKE Today 7.20 Follow Me (2020, 16)
Noon DUKEbox Music Keegan Allen, Holland Roden
1.05 Two and a Half Men (PG, R, 8.50 Chronicle Mysteries:
HD, C) s6ep7 Recovered (2019, PG) Alison
1.30 Funny You Should Ask Sweeney, Benjamin Ayres
(G, HD) 10.15 The Courier (2020) (2020,
2.15 My Country Kitchen (G, HD) M) Benedict Cumberbatch,
2.45 Hunting Aotearoa (PG, Rachel Brosnahan
R, HD) 12.07 Come Play (2020, M) Azhy
3.15 Heavy Rescue 401 (G, HD) Robertson, Gillian Jacobs
4.05 The Chase Australia (G, 1.45 Blackbird (2019, M) Susan
HD, C) Sarandon, Sam Neill
4.55 ABC World News (PG) 3.23 Radioactive (2019, M)
5.15 Xploration: Awesome Planet Rosamund Pike, Sam Riley
5.13 Big Time Adolescence
(PG, HD)
(2019, 16) Pete Davidson,
5.45 Abandoned Engineering
Griffin Gluck
(PG, HD, C)
6.45 Old (2021, M) Gael García
6.35 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
Bernal, Vicky Krieps
HD, C) s6ep8 8.30 Music (2021, M) A newly-
7.05 30 Rock (PG, HD, C) s6ep19 sober woman receives news
7.30 The Simpsons (G, R, HD, C) that she’s to become the
s24ep6 sole guardian of her half-
8.30 ■ Demolition Man (1993, sister, who is on the autism
M, HD, C, AD) Sylvester spectrum. Kate Hudson,
Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Maddie Ziegler, Leslie Odom
Sandra Bullock. Jr, Héctor Elizondo
10.35 ■ Rambo: First Blood 10.20 Let Him Go (2020, M) Kevin
II (1985, 16, HD, C, AD) Costner, Diane Lane
Sylvester Stallone. 12.15am A Quiet Place Part II (2020,
12.20am ■ Rambo III (1988, 16, HD, M) 1.50 Nobody (2021, 16) 3.20 Let
C, AD) Sylvester Stallone. 2.05 – Them All Talk (2020, M) 5.10 The
2.30 ABC World News (PG) Space Between (2021, M)
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
7.00 A Few Good Men (1992, PG)
Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise
9.13 The Towering Inferno (1974,
PG) Steve McQueen, Paul
Newman
11.55 T-Men (1947, PG) Dennis
O’Keefe, Mary Meade
1.25 Wyatt Earp (1994, M) Kevin
Costner, Dennis Quaid
4.28 All the President’s Men
(1976, 16) Dustin Hoffman,
Robert Redford
6.41 Boyz N the Hood (1991,
M) A teenager is is sent to
live with his father in South
Central Los Angeles amid
a booming gang culture.
Cuba Gooding Jr, Laurence
Fishburne
8.30 As Good as It Gets (1997, M)
A single mother, a bigoted
author and a gay artist form
an unlikely friendship. Jack
Nicholson, Helen Hunt, Greg
Kinnear
10.45 Serpico (1973, 16) Based
on the story of a New York
cop who blew the whistle
on rampant corruption in
the force. Al Pacino, Tony
Roberts
12.55am JFK (1991, M) 4.00 Young
Winston (1972, G)
6.00 The Midwife (2017, M)
Catherine Deneuve
7.55 Once Were Brothers:
Robbie Robertson and the
Band (2019, M) Canadian
documentary.
9.35 Only the Animals (2019, M)
Denis Menochet
11.35 L’Opera (M) s1ep5
12.25 The Attack: The
Copenhagen Shootings
(2020, 16) Danish
documentary.
2.00 Blood (M) s2ep3&4
3.35 Creating a Character: The
Moni Yakim Legacy (2020,
M) US documentary.
4.50 Sulphur and White (2020,
16) Mark Stanley
6.50 The 8th (2020, M) Irish
documentary.
8.30 L’Opera (16) Zoe holds out
hope that her departure will
be temporary. s1ep6
9.20 The Capote Tapes (2019, 16)
US documentary.
11.00 Honey Boy (2019, 16) Shia
LaBeouf
12.35am Instinto (16) s1ep2 2.05
Creating a Character: The Moni
Yakim Legacy (2020, M) 3.20
Sulphur and White (2020, 16) 5.20
The 8th (2020, M)

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER 81

TUESDAY MARCH 29
SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.00 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.50 Judge Judy (PG)
7.15 Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep3 8.05 Medium (M)
s3ep10 8.50 Judging Amy (M) s3ep8 9.35 Major
Crimes (M) s2ep10 10.20 Judge Judy (PG) 11.00
Ambulance (16) Noon Stacey Dooley: The Truth
Behind … (M) 1.00 Hospital (M) s5ep3 2.00 Rizzoli
& Isles (M) s6ep3 2.50 Medium (M) s3ep10 3.40
Judging Amy (M) s3ep8 4.30 Judge Judy (PG)
5.30 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.30 Major Crimes (M)
s2ep10 7.30 Agatha Raisin (PG) s3ep6 8.30 Van
Der Valk (M) An employee of a diamond company
is killed and his body is delivered in pieces to
the firm’s siblings and heirs. s2ep2 10.15 Judging
Amy (M) s3ep8 11.05 Judge Judy (PG) 12.05am
Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
6.25 Fawlty Towers (16) s2ep5 6.55 EastEnders
(PG) 7.20 The Graham Norton Show (PG) s24ep7
8.10 The Bill (M) 9.00 A Touch of Frost (M) s9ep2
10.15 Father Brown (M) s1ep7 11.05 Doc Martin (PG)
s6ep5 11.55 Midsomer Murders (M) s5ep3 1.35 The
Bill (M) 2.25 New Tricks (M) s3ep6 3.25 8 Out of
10 Cats Does Countdown (M) 4.20 The Graham
Norton Show (M) s24ep8 5.15 Who Do You Think
You Are? (PG) 6.20 QI (M) 6.55 EastEnders (PG)
7.25 QI (M) 8.00 Would I Lie to You? (PG) 8.35
Heartbeat (M) Somebody breaks into John Harper’s
cottage and swaps the blind man’s money with
paper. s17ep12 9.30 Call the Midwife (PG) Dr Turner
manages to get Poplar included in the mass X-ray
screening programme for TB. s2ep6 10.30 Father
Brown (M) s1ep7 11.25 Midsomer Murders (M) s5ep3
1.05am Programmes continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.25 Avenue 5 (M) 6.55 Last Week Tonight with
John Oliver (M) s9ep5 7.30 Station Eleven (16)
s1ep5 8.25 Billions (18) s6ep10 9.25 Mrs. Fletcher
(18) s1ep3 9.55 Temple (16) s2ep7 10.40 Snowfall
(18) s5ep1 11.30 Station Eleven (16) s1ep5 12.25
Avenue 5 (M) 12.55 The Righteous Gemstones
(16) s2ep3 1.30 Temple (16) s2ep7 2.15 Billions (18)
s6ep10 3.15 Snowfall (18) s5ep1 4.05 Baskets (M)
s4ep2 4.35 Gentleman Jack (M) s1ep1 5.35 The
Name of the Rose (16) s1ep5 6.30 Baptiste (16)
s1ep3 7.30 City on a Hill (16) s1ep4 8.30 The Fear
Index (16) Alex’s intruder claims Alex hired him to
engage in a sadistic fantasy before killing him. s1ep3
9.30 Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty
(16) s1ep3 10.30 Strange Angel (16) s2ep3 11.15
The Gilded Age (M) s1ep9 12.15am Programmes
continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 7.10 Rachael Ray’s
Week in a Day (PG) 8.05 House Hunters (PG) 9.00
Escape to the Country (PG) 10.00 Home of the
Year Scotland (PG) 11.00 Escape to the Perfect
Town (PG) 11.55 Grand Designs (PG) 12.55 The Best
House in Town (PG) 1.50 Salvage Hunters (PG) 2.45
House Hunters (PG) 3.45 Rachael Ray’s Week in
a Day (PG) 4.45 Home of the Year Scotland (PG)
5.40 Love It or List It UK (PG) 6.35 Grand Designs
(PG) 7.30 Escape to the Perfect Town (PG) 8.30
Salvage Hunters (PG) 9.30 Born Mucky: Life on the
Farm (PG) 10.30 Nate & Jeremiah by Design (PG)
11.30 House Hunters (PG) 12.20am Programmes
continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 6.55 Still a Mystery
(M) 7.45 True Conviction (M) 8.35 Deadline: Crime
with Tamron Hall (M) 9.25 Nightmare Next Door
(M) 10.20 Disappeared (M) 11.15 The Perfect Murder
(M) 12.10 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 1.05 Who the
(Bleep) Did I Marry? (M) 2.00 Scorned: Love Kills
(M) 2.55 Obsession: Dark Desires (M) 3.50 Blood
Relatives (M) 4.45 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 5.40
82
American Monster (M) 6.35 Evil Lives Here (M) 8.30
People Magazine Investigates (M) 9.30 Chasing
Ghislaine (M) 11.00 Signs of a Psychopath (M) 11.25
Nightmare Next Door (M) 12.15am Programmes
continue
Sky Arts SKY 020
6.00 The World’s Greatest Paintings 6.45 Talking
Heads: Alan Bennett Monologues 7.15 Agatha
Christie’s England 8.00 Exhibition on Screen (PG)
9.30 ■ Ara Malikian: A Life Among Strings (2019,
G) 11.00 Landscape Artist of the Year 11.45 Raiders
of Lost Art: Vanishing Vermeers 12.30 ■ Nomad: In
the Footsteps of Bruce Chatwin (2019, G) 2.00 The
World’s Greatest Paintings 2.45 Talking Heads: Alan
Bennett Monologues 3.15 Agatha Christie’s England
4.00 Home Is Where the Art Is 4.45 WWII and
Cinema 5.35 In the Making 6.00 The Directors: Fritz
Lange 6.45 The Directors: Howard Hawkes 7.30
Fake or Fortune? 8.30 Portrait Artist of the Year 9.15
Tintoretto: A Rebel in Venice 10.45 The Liberators
12.00am Programmes continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.30 Man Caves
(PG) 6.55 You Have Been Warned (M) 7.45 Maine
Cabin Masters (PG) 8.35 Top Gear (PG) 9.25 Fast
N’ Loud (PG) 10.20 Impossible Repairs (PG) 11.15
Dino Hunters (PG) 12.10 How Do They Do It? (PG)
12.35 Man Caves (PG) 1.05 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG) 2.00 Naked and Afraid (PG) 2.55 Aussie
Gold Hunters (PG) 3.50 Deadliest Catch (M) 4.45
Alaska: The Last Frontier (M) 5.40 Fast N’ Loud (M)
6.35 Aussie Gold Hunters (PG) 7.30 Outback Opal
Hunters (PG) 8.30 Expedition X (M) 9.30 What on
Earth? (PG) 11.25 Naked and Afraid (M) 12.15am
Programmes continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.00 Food Factory USA (PG) 6.30 Drain the
Oceans (PG) 7.30 Colossal Machines (PG) 8.30
Air Crash Investigation (M) 9.30 Search for the
Living Cannibals (PG) 10.30 Challenger Disaster:
Lost Tapes (M) 11.30 Food Factory USA (PG) 12.30
Air Crash Investigation (PG) 1.30 Gordon Ramsay:
Uncharted (PG) 2.30 Aussie Snake Wranglers (PG)
3.30 Mine Kings (M) 5.30 Air Crash Investigation
(M) 6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Inside Combat
Rescue (PG) 8.30 Banged Up Abroad (16) 9.30
Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller (16) 10.30 To
Catch a Smuggler (M) 11.30 Seconds from Disaster
(PG) 12.30am Programmes continue
History SKY 073
6.30 Britain’s African Emperor (PG) 7.30 Ancient
Invisible Cities 8.30 Time Team 9.30 The Fatal
Conflict: Judea and Rome (PG) 10.30 Time Team
11.30 Operation Stonehenge: What Lies Beneath?
(PG) 12.30 The Engineering That Built the World
(PG) 1.30 Tanks 2.30 Secret War (M) 3.30 History’s
Raiders (PG) 4.30 Secrets of War (M) 5.30 The
Fatal Conflict: Judea and Rome (M) 6.30 Time Team
7.30 The Machines That Built the World (PG) 8.30
Submarines (PG) 9.30 Helicopter Warfare (PG)
10.30 Petra: Lost City of Stone (PG) 11.30 Narrow
Escapes of World War II (PG) 12.30am Programmes
continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Animal Impossible (PG) 6.55 Life Below Zero
(M) 7.45 Where the Wild Men Are: Revisited (PG)
8.35 Brian Cox: Forces of Nature (PG) 9.40 Trust
Me, I’m a Doctor (PG) 10.35 The Dog Rescuers
with Alan Davies (PG) 11.25 24 Hours in A&E
(PG) 12.15 Dynasties (PG) 1.10 Brian Cox: Forces
of Nature (PG) 2.15 Animal Impossible (PG) 3.10
Wildest Places (PG) 4.05 Trust Me, I’m a Doctor
(PG) 5.05 Life Below Zero (M) 5.55 Where the Wild
Men Are: Revisited (PG) 6.50 The Dog Rescuers
with Alan Davies (PG) 7.40 24 Hours in A&E (PG)
8.30 Cornwall with Simon Reeve (PG) 9.35 Louis
Theroux: Westboro (M) 10.40 Dynasties (PG) 11.35
Wildest Places (PG) 12.35am Programmes continue
Living: Escape to the PerfectTown
Perfect Town, 7
7.30pm
30pm
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
7.00 Rugby Nation 7.30 Ultimate Pool, Champions
League, live 10.30 Women’s Six Nations, Ireland
v Wales, highlights 11.00 Women’s Six Nations,
Scotland v England, highlights 11.30 Super Rugby
Pacific, Force v Brumbies, replay from HBF Park,
Perth 1.30 Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika
v Hurricanes, replay from Mt Smart Stadium,
Auckland 3.30 Women’s Six Nations, France v Italy,
replay 5.30 Between Two Posts 6.30 Super Rugby
Pacific, Moana Pasifika v Blues, from Mt Smart
Stadium, Auckland, live 9.30 The Back Page 10.30
Super Rugby Pacific, Rebels v Fijian Drua, replay
from AAMI Park, Melbourne 12.30am Gallagher
Premiership, Gloucester v Worcester Warriors,
replay 2.30 Women’s Six Nations, France v Italy,
replay 4.30 Women’s Six Nations, Ireland v Wales,
replay 5.00 The Breakdown
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
6.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 6, live 2.00
ANZ Premiership, Magic v Tactix, replay from
Trustpower Arena, Tauranga 3.30 National Netball
League, Marvels v Central, replay from Trusts
Arena, Auckland 5.00 A-League Men Review 6.00
Women’s Six Nations, Ireland v Wales, highlights
6.30 Women’s Six Nations, France v Italy, highlights
7.00 Netball Zone 7.30 ANZ Premiership, Magic v
Tactix, replay 8.00 Sky Speed 8.30 Aotearoa Rugby
Pod 9.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 6, highlights
10.00 ANZ Premiership, Mystics v Pulse, highlights
10.30 ANZ Premiership, Steel v Stars, highlights
11.00 ANZ Premiership, Magic v Tactix, highlights
11.30 NBL, Tasmania JackJumpers v NZ Breakers,
highlights 12.00am Aotearoa Rugby Pod 12.30
Between Two Posts 1.30 ATP 1000, Miami Open,
day 6, match of the day 3.00 ATP 1000, Miami
Open, day 6, highlights 4.00 ATP 1000, Miami
Open, day 7, from Hard Rock Stadium, Florida, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
6.00 West Indies v England, 3rd test, day 5, from
National Cricket Stadium, Grenada, live 11.00 ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, England v Bangladesh,
highlights from the Basin Reserve, Wellington Noon
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, India v South
Africa, highlights from Hagley Oval, Christchurch
1.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, New
Zealand v Pakistan, highlights from Hagley Oval,
Christchurch 1.30 West Indies v England, 3rd test,
days 1-5, highlights 5.50 Pakistan v Australia, 1st
ODI, from Gaddafi Stadium, Lahore, live 2.00am
South Africa v Bangladesh, 3rd ODI, highlights 2.30
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, India v South
Africa, highlights 3.30 Indian Premier League,
Gujarat Titans v Lucknow Super Giants, highlights
3.50 Indian Premier League, Sunrisers Hyderabad v
Rajasthan Royals, live
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Breakfast (HD, C) John
Campbell and Jenny-May
Clarkson present news, sport,
information and weather.
9.00 The Ellen DeGeneres Show
(PG, HD, C)
10.00 Tipping Point (G, R, HD, C)
Ben Shephard hosts a UK
quiz show.
11.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
Noon 1 News (HD, C)
12.30 Emmerdale (PG, HD, C,
AD) Concern surrounding
Manpreet grows, and Ethan
and Marcus get to know
more about each other.
1.00 Coronation Street (PG, R,
C, AD)
2.00 Ready Steady Cook (G,
HD, C)
3.00 Tipping Point (G, HD, C) Ben
Shephard hosts a UK quiz
show.
4.00 Te Karere A Māori
perspective on the day’s
news and current affairs.
4.30 Neighbours (PG, HD, C) Ned
and Harlow investigate a
lead on Gareth, Kyle worries
that Roxy is turning down
a good opportunity, and
Terese and Paul navigate
returning to work together.
5.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Seven Sharp (HD, C) Hilary
Barry and Jeremy Wells
present current affairs and
entertainment.
7.30 ■ The Celebrity Chase
(G, C) Bradley Walsh
presents a UK quiz show
in which celebrities take
on the Chasers for charity.
Tonight, presenter Mark
Chapman, newscaster Gillian
Joseph, comedian Fred
Macaulay and cricketer
Ryan Sidebottom compete
(includes Lotto at 8.20pm).
8.30 ■ Location Location
Location (G, HD, C) Phil
Spencer and Kirstie Allsopp
present a UK realty series.
Tonight, they are on the
south coast.
9.30 Coronation Street (PG,
C, AD)
10.35 1 News (HD)
11.05 Shortland Street (PG, R,
C, AD)
11.35 My Life Is Murder (M, R, HD,
C, AD) Alexa is confronted
by her own history when she
investigates the death of a
museum curator. s2ep4
12.25am Leonardo (M, HD, C)
Leonardo ventures to Milan
determined to claim an offer
of patronage from the Duke
Regent. s1ep3
1.20 Te Karere (R)
1.40 Infomercials
5.35 – 6.00 Te Karere (R)
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 Les Mills Born to Move (G,
HD, C)
6.30 Mighty Little Bheem (G,
HD, C)
6.35 Code Fun (G, R, HD, C, AD)
6.50 Maia the Brave (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.00 Darwin and Newts (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.10 Trollstopia (G, HD, C)
7.35 Dragons: Defenders of Berk
(G, HD, C)
7.55 Pokémon Journeys: The
Series (G, R, HD, C)
8.20 Julius Jr. (G, HD, C)
8.40 Paw Patrol (G, R, C)
9.05 Infomercials
9.35 Les Mills BodyAttack (G,
HD, C)
10.00 Home and Away (PG, R, C)
10.30 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.05 The Mindy Project (PG, HD,
C) s6ep4
11.35 Charmed (PG, HD, C) s2ep21
12.30 Heroes (M, HD, C) s2ep9
1.20 The Drew Barrymore Show
(PG, C)
2.15 Superstore (PG, HD, C, AD)
s4ep7
3.05 Sabrina the Teenage Witch
(PG, HD, C)
3.30 The Feed (G, HD)
5.00 The Simpsons (G, R, HD, C)
s26ep10
5.30 Friends (G, R, HD, C) s6ep2
6.00 The Big Bang Theory (PG, R,
HD, C) s3ep16
6.30 Home and Away (PG, C)
Felicity and Tane’s future is
in limbo, Theo fears losing
his place, and Justin’s new
apprentice sets off Ziggy.
7.00 Shortland Street (PG, HD,
C, AD)
7.30 The Dog House Australia
(G, HD, C, AD) Factual series
about a dog sanctuary in
NSW.
8.30 ■ Question Team (M, HD, C,
AD) Richard Ayoade hosts
a UK comedy panel show
in which the players write
the questions. Tonight, Bob
Mortimer, Thanyia Moore and
Kerry Godliman.
9.30 8 Out of 10 Cats Does
Countdown (16, R, HD, C)
Jimmy Carr hosts a UK
comedy panel show. s9ep26
10.35 Hell’s Kitchen: Young Guns
(M, HD, C)
11.35 Have You Been Paying
Attention? (M, R, C)
12.25am Motherland: Fort Salem
(16, HD, C) s2ep8
1.10 Emmerdale (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
1.35 Infomercials
2.35 2 Tunes
2.55 MasterChef Australia (G, R,
HD, C) s11ep6
3.50 God Friended Me (G, R, HD,
C, AD) s2ep8
4.35 Neighbours (PG, R, HD, C)
5.00 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
WEDNESDAY MARCH 30
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 AM (HD) With Ryan Bridge
and Melissa Chan-Green.
9.00 Infomercials
10.30 Match Game (PG, R, HD, C)
s2ep10
11.30 Extreme Couponing (PG,
HD) s3ep9
Noon You Live in What? (G, HD)
s2ep10
1.00 ■ Love You to Death (2016,
M, HD) Bree Williamson,
Emilija Baranac, Primo Allon.
3.00 Cutthroat Kitchen (PG, HD)
s8ep5
4.00 Yard Crashers (G, HD) Comedy: QUESTION TEAM
s14ep12 “It’s all nonsensical frippery, of
4.30 Newshub Live (HD)
5.00 Gold Rush (PG, HD, C)
course,” commented Chortle.
s3ep14 co.uk – but for what other
6.00 Newshub Live (HD) reason do UK comedy panel
7.00 The Project (HD) With shows exist? They are here to
Kanoa Lloyd, Jesse Mulligan
and Jeremy Corbett entertain us and keep come-
7.30 Married at First Sight dians in paid employment
Australia (M, HD, C) s9ep32 and Richard Ayoade, despite
9.00 SAS Australia (16, HD, C)
his hilarious deadpanning, is
Reality series in which
celebrities face SAS-style one of the UK’s hardest-work-
challenges. Tonight, the ing. In his new show, he claims
recruits face a dark tunnel to be “outsourcing the lion’s
filled with obstacles and
water. s3ep3
share of the preparation” by
10.10 Newshub Late requiring guests to bring their
10.40 Hawaii Five-0 (M, R, HD, own questions. It perhaps
C) The Five-0 investigate owes something to Vic Reeves
the murder of a beloved
philanthropist and the theft and Bob Mortimer’s decon-
of his valuable koa tree. struction of the panel show,
s10ep9 and appropriately, Mortimer is
11.35 Yard Crashers (G, R, HD)
one of the first guests tonight.
s14ep12
12.05am Infomercials TVNZ 2, 8.30pm
5.30 – 6.00 AM Early (HD) With
Bernadine Oliver-Kerby.
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004
6.00 Infomercials
8.00 Kids’ Programmes (C)
9.00 Wheel of Fortune (G, R)
9.30 Antiques Roadshow (G,
R, C)
10.30 The Office (PG)
11.30 Royal Pains (M)
12.30 The Comeback (M)
1.05 Friday Night Lights (M, C)
2.00 The Late Show with Stephen
Colbert (PG, R)
3.00 Wheel of Fortune (G)
3.30 Jeopardy (G)
4.00 American Pickers (PG, R)
Comedy: CRASHING
5.00 3rd Rock from the Sun Speaking of hard-working UK
(PG, R, C) comedians/writers, before she
5.30 Prime News
won an Emmy, a Bafta and
6.00 Sky Speed (G)
6.30 Storage Wars (PG, R, C) a Golden Globe for Fleabag,
7.00 Pawn Stars (PG, R) Phoebe Waller-Bridge cre-
7.30 Helicopter ER (M, C) ated and starred in this series
8.30 Ambulance (16, C)
about a group of twenty-
9.45 ■ Call the Bailiffs (M, C) UK
series following enforcement somethings living in a disused
agents. hospital (it’s a cheap rent
10.45 A-League Highlights (G) thing). Only six episodes were
Round 20 made, sadly, although greater
11.55 The Late Show with Stephen
Colbert (PG) glory awaited.
1.00 – 6.00 Infomercials NETFLIX
83
WEDNESDAY MARCH 30
MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019
6.30 Kids’ Programmes
8.30 Oranga Ngākau (G, R) Māori
exercise workouts for young
and old.
9.30 Whānau Bake-Off (G, R)
10.00 David Rocco’s Dolce Africa
(G, R)
10.30 Toi Te Ora (G, R)
11.00 Tribe (G, R)
11.30 Matau (G, R)
Noon Te Ao Tapatahi
12.30 Animal Empires (G, R)
1.30 Tōku Reo (G, R)
2.30 Ako (G, R)
3.30 Kids’ Programmes
6.00 Haka Ngahau ā-Rohe:
Rangitane (G, R) Rangitāne,
from Fielding.
6.30 Te Ao Mārama
7.00 Waiata Nation (G, R) Series
following Maimoa as they
create their first album.
7.30 Haka at Home (G, R) Kapa
haka groups from around
Aotearoa perform on their
home ground, sharing their
history and stories through
songs.
8.30 ■ The Confirmation (2016,
PG) A father and son spend
a somewhat predictable
weekend together, until a
valuable toolbox is stolen
and they set out on a hunt
for the thieves. Clive Owen,
Jaeden Martell, Maria Bello,
Robert Forster, Patton
Oswalt.
10.20 Sidewalk Karaoke (G, R)
10.50 – 11.20 Te Ao Mārama (R)
TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
6.00 On DUKE Today
Noon DUKEbox Music
1.10 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep8
1.35 Funny You Should Ask
(G, HD)
2.20 My Country Kitchen (G, HD)
2.50 Hunting Aotearoa (G, R, HD)
3.15 Heavy Rescue 401 (PG, HD)
4.05 The Chase Australia (G,
HD, C)
4.55 ABC World News (PG)
5.20 Xploration: Awesome Planet
(G, HD)
5.45 Abandoned Engineering
(PG, HD, C)
6.35 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep9
7.05 30 Rock (PG, HD, C) s6ep20
7.30 The Simpsons (PG, R, HD, C)
s24ep8
8.30 The UnXplained with
William Shatner (PG, HD)
From abandoned cities to
ancient cultures, how does a
civilization become “lost”?
9.25 Paranormal Caught on
Camera (PG, R, HD, C)
10.20 Megashippers: Land, Air &
Sea (G, R, HD, C, AD)
11.25 Killjoys (16, HD) s4ep3
1.05am – 1.30 ABC World News
(PG)
84
Film: THE SWIMMER
Despite numerous problems, not
least director Frank Perry being fired
and replaced by Sydney Pollack, this
surreal film has become a cult classic.
Burt Lancaster said it was his best and
favourite film, describing it as “Death of a
Salesman in swimming trunks”.
MOVIES CLASSICS, 6.55pm
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Infomercials
10.00 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep2
10.55 Bar Rescue (PG, R, HD)
11.50 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep5
12.50 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
1.45 The Real Housewives of
New York City (M, HD)
2.45 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep3
3.40 Face Off (PG, R, HD) s13ep8
4.40 Celebrity Ghost Stories (PG,
R, HD)
5.35 Shark Tank (PG, HD)
6.35 Bar Rescue (PG, HD)
7.30 ■ Trading Places (1983, M, R,
HD) Two millionaire brothers
make a snobbish investor
and a wily street con artist
the subject of a bet. Eddie
Murphy, Dan Aykroyd, Jamie
Lee Curtis.
9.50 Embarrassing Bodies (M,
HD) An update on previous
patients.
10.55 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep6
11.50 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
12.40am – 6.00 Infomercials
6.50 Summerland (2020, PG)
Gemma Arterton
8.26 Six Minutes to Midnight
(2021, M) Eddie Izzard
10.06 Escape from Pretoria (2020,
M) Daniel Radcliffe
11.51 French Exit (2021) (2021, M)
Michelle Pfeiffer
1.45 The Hitman’s Wife’s
Bodyguard (2021, 16) Ryan
Reynolds, Samuel L Jackson
3.40 Antebellum (2020, 16)
Janelle Monae, Jena Malone
5.25 Penguin Bloom (2020, M)
Naomi Watts
7.00 Moonshot (2022, M) Cole
Sprouse, Zach Braff
8.30 Breaking News in Yuba
County (2021, 16) An
underappreciated suburban
housewife takes advantage
of her growing celebrity
status when her husband
goes missing. Allison Janney,
Mila Kunis, Regina Hall,
Awkwafina TV Films, page
68
10.08 The Outpost (2020, 16)
Scott Eastwood
12.08am Gully (2021, 18) 1.30 Mortal
Kombat (2021, 18) 3.17 Chronicles
Mysteries: The Wrong Man (2019,
PG) 4.42 The Furies (2019, 18)
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 Meet the Penguins (G, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 Jamie and Jimmy’s Food
Fight Club (PG, R)
9.00 Museum Mysteries (PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG, R)
1.00 Big House Clearout (PG, R)
2.00 The Motorway (PG, R)
3.00 Treetop Cat Rescue (PG)
4.00 Ainsley’s Caribbean Kitchen
(G)
5.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 Ellen’s Next Great Designer
(PG)
8.00 Newshub Live
8.30 Big Family Farm (M)
9.30 Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG)
10.30 Ellen’s Next Great Designer
(PG, R)
11.30 Baggage Battles (PG)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
6.20 Robinson Crusoe (1954,
G) Dan O’Herlihy, Jaime
Fernandez
7.50 Dad’s Army (1971, PG) Arthur
Lowe, John Le Mesurier
9.25 On the Waterfront (1954,
PG) Marlon Brando
11.10 St Elmo’s Fire (1985, M) Rob
Lowe, Demi Moore
12.55 Housesitter (1992, PG) Steve
Martin, Goldie Hawn
2.35 Reversal of Fortune (1990,
PG) Glenn Close, Jeremy
Irons
4.25 The Victors (1963, M)
George Hamilton, George
Peppard
6.55 The Swimmer (1968, M)
A guy decides to swim
through a string of backyard
pools. Burt Lancaster, Janet
Landgard
8.30 Castle Keep (1969, M)
During WWII, a squad of
American soldiers shelter
in a Belgian castle. Burt
Lancaster, Patrick O’Neal,
Jean-Pierre Aumont
10.15 Steel Magnolias (1989, PG)
Sally Field, Dolly Parton
12.10am Single White Female (1992,
16) 1.58 Bite the Bullet (1975, PG)
4.08 Nil by Mouth (1997, 18)
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
6.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.45 Abalone Wars (PG, R)
7.30 Tanked (PG, R)
8.15 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
9.00 River of No Return (M, R)
9.45 Deadliest Catch (M, R)
10.30 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
11.15 Tanked (PG, R)
Noon Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.45 Rob Riggle: Global
Investigator (M, R)
1.30 Expedition Unknown (PG, R)
2.15 NASA’s Unexplained Files
(PG, R)
3.00 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
3.45 Tanked (PG, R)
4.30 Abalone Wars (PG, R)
5.15 Alaskan Bush People
(PG, R)
6.00 Tanked (PG)
6.45 Wheeler Dealers (PG)
7.30 Treehouse Masters (PG)
8.20 Homestead Rescue (PG)
9.10 Bushcraft Build-Off (PG)
10.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG)
10.50 Tanked (PG, R)
11.40 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.25am Programmes continue
6.55 L’Opera (16) s1ep6
7.45 The Capote Tapes (2019, 16)
US documentary.
9.25 Honey Boy (2019, 16) Shia
LaBeouf
11.00 Creating a Character: The
Moni Yakim Legacy (2020,
M) US documentary.
12.15 Sulphur and White (2020,
16) Mark Stanley
2.15 Blood (M) s2ep5&6
3.55 Revolt She Said (2021, 16)
NZ documentary.
5.20 Rurangi (2020, M) Elz
Carrad
6.45 Jealous (2017, M) A divorced
teacher becomes jealous of
everyone. Karin Viard
8.30 Girls Can’t Surf (2020, M)
Australian documentary
about a band of female
surfers who took on the
male-dominated professional
surfing world. TV Films,
page 68
10.15 Carmilla (2019, 16) Jessica
Raine
11.50 Influence (2020, M) South
African documentary.
1.25am Instinto (18) s1ep3 2.50
Revolt She Said (2021, 16) 4.15
Rurangi (2020, M) 5.40 Jealous
(2017, M)
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.00 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.50 Judge Judy (PG) 7.15
Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep4 8.05 Medium (M) s3ep11
8.50 Judging Amy (M) s3ep9 9.40 Major Crimes
(M) s2ep11 10.30 Judge Judy (PG) 11.15 Van Der
Valk (M) s2ep2 1.00 Agatha Raisin (PG) s3ep6
2.00 Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep4 2.50 Medium (M)
s3ep11 3.40 Judging Amy (M) s3ep9 4.30 Judge
Judy (PG) 5.30 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.30 Major
Crimes (M) s2ep11 7.30 Garrow’s Law (M) Garrow is
galvanised into action when evidence is fabricated
by police to incriminate an innocent man. 8.30 The
Spanish Princess (16) Catherine and Wolsey clash
at grand meeting in France. s2ep6 9.40 Death and
Nightingales (M) Beth tells Mercy she is leaving,
but Mercy claims it will break her and Billy’s hearts.
s1ep2 10.50 Judging Amy (M) s3ep9 11.40 Judge
Judy (PG) 12.10am Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
6.10 Staged (M) s2ep8 6.30 EastEnders (PG) 6.55
The Graham Norton Show (M) s24ep8 7.45 The Bill
(M) 8.35 A Touch of Frost (M) s10ep1 10.15 Father
Brown (M) s1ep8 11.05 Doc Martin (PG) s6ep6 11.55
Midsomer Murders (M) s5ep4 1.35 The Bill (M) 2.25
New Tricks (M) s3ep7 3.25 8 Out of 10 Cats Does
Countdown (M) 4.20 The Graham Norton Show
(PG) s24ep9 5.15 Who Do You Think You Are? (PG)
6.20 QI (M) 6.55 EastEnders (PG) 7.25 QI (M) 8.00
Would I Lie to You? (PG) 8.35 The Mallorca Files
(PG) A murdered food critic becomes a chewy case
for Max and Miranda. s2ep3 9.30 Holby City (M)
A much-loved face from the past forces Serena to
think about her future. s20ep49 10.30 Honour (M)
s1ep1 11.25 Midsomer Murders (M) s5ep4 1.05am
Programmes continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.45 City on a Hill (16) s1ep4 7.45 The Fear Index
(16) s1ep3 8.30 Winning Time: The Rise of the
Lakers Dynasty (16) s1ep3 9.30 Strange Angel (16)
s2ep3 10.15 The Gilded Age (M) s1ep9 11.15 Baskets
(M) s4ep2 11.40 City on a Hill (16) s1ep4 12.40 The
Fear Index (16) s1ep3 1.25 The Gilded Age (M) s1ep9
2.25 Strange Angel (16) s2ep3 3.10 Winning Time:
The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (16) s1ep3 4.10
Baskets (M) s4ep3 4.35 Gentleman Jack (M) s1ep2
5.35 The Name of the Rose (16) s1ep6 6.30 Billions
(18) s6ep10 7.30 The Girl Before (16) s1ep1 8.30
Phoenix Rising (16) Evan Rachel Wood explores
her journey from surviving domestic violence to
shaping policy change and protecting the rights of
other survivors. s1ep1 9.45 Raised by Wolves (16)
s2ep2 10.30 Real Time with Bill Maher (M) s20ep9
11.30 Silicon Valley (M) s6ep3 12.00am Programmes
continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 7.10 Rachael Ray’s
Week in a Day (PG) 8.05 House Hunters (PG) 9.00
Born Mucky: Life on the Farm (PG) 10.00 Salvage
Hunters (PG) 11.00 Escape to the Perfect Town
(PG) 11.55 Grand Designs (PG) 12.55 Born Mucky:
Life on the Farm (PG) 1.50 Salvage Hunters (PG)
2.45 House Hunters (PG) 3.45 Rachael Ray’s Week
in a Day (PG) 4.45 Salvage Hunters (PG) 5.40 Love
It or List It UK (PG) 6.35 Grand Designs (PG) 7.30
Escape to the Perfect Town (PG) 8.30 Love Your
Garden Specials (PG) 9.30 Gardening Australia (PG)
10.30 The Hairy Bikers Ride Route 66 (PG) 11.30
House Hunters (PG) 12.20am Programmes continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 6.55 Deadline:
Crime with Tamron Hall (M) 7.45 Crimes Gone Viral
(M) 8.35 Body Cam (M) 9.25 Nightmare Next Door
(M) 10.20 Disappeared (M) 11.15 The Perfect Murder
(M) 12.10 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 1.05 Who
the (Bleep) Did I Marry? (M) 2.00 Scorned: Love
Kills (M) 2.55 Obsession: Dark Desires (M) 3.50
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
Blood Relatives (M) 4.45 Your Worst Nightmare
(M) 5.40 People Magazine Investigates (M) 6.35
Reasonable Doubt (M) 7.30 Evil Lives Here (M)
8.30 True Conviction (M) 9.30 Deadline: Crime with
Tamron Hall (M) 10.30 The Perfect Murder (M) 11.25
Nightmare Next Door (M) 12.15am Programmes
continue
Sky Arts SKY 020
6.45 ■ The Liberators (2016, G) 8.00 Home Is
Where the Art Is 8.45 WWll and Cinema 9.35
In the Making 10.00 The Directors: Fritz Lange
10.45 The Directors: Howard Hawkes 11.30 Fake
or Fortune? 12.30 Portrait Artist of the Year 1.15
Tintoretto: A Rebel in Venice 2.45 ■ The Liberators
(2016, G) 4.00 Up to the Sky 4.35 Verbier 2019:
Valery Gergiev Conducts the Opening Concert
6.05 Lucerne Festival: Riccardo Chailly Conducts
Rachmaninoff 8.00 LSO Opening Night 2021: Simon
Rattle Conducts 100 Years of British Music 9.30
Christian Thielemann Conducts Bruckner’s No 2
10.35 Lucerne Festival: Kirill Petrenko Conducts Yuja
Wang 12.20am Programmes continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.30 Man Caves
(PG) 6.55 You Have Been Warned (M) 7.45 Maine
Cabin Masters (PG) 8.35 Top Gear (PG) 9.25 Fast
N’ Loud (PG) 10.20 Expedition X (M) 11.15 What on
Earth? (PG) 12.10 How Do They Do It? (PG) 12.35
Man Caves (PG) 1.05 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG) 2.00 Naked and Afraid (M) 2.55 Aussie Gold
Hunters (PG) 3.50 Deadliest Catch (M) 4.45 Alaska:
The Last Frontier (M) 5.40 Fast N’ Loud (M) 6.35
Dirty Jobs: Rowe’d Trip (M) 7.30 Cal Fire (M) 8.30
Alaskan Bush People (M) 9.30 Guardians of the
Glades (M) 10.30 Moonshiners (M) 11.25 Naked and
Afraid (M) 12.15am Programmes continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Inside Combat
Rescue (PG) 8.30 Banged Up Abroad (16) 9.30
Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller (16) 10.30 To
Catch a Smuggler (M) 11.30 Seconds from Disaster
(PG) 12.30 Air Crash Investigation (PG) 1.30 Gordon
Ramsay: Uncharted (PG) 2.30 Ocean Wreck
Investigation (PG) 4.30 Trafficked with Mariana van
Zeller (16) 5.30 The 2000s: Greatest Tragedies (M)
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Mega Breakdown
(PG) 8.30 Colossal Machines (PG) 9.30 Food
Factory (PG) 10.30 Brain Games: On the Road (PG)
11.30 Green Heroes: Challenging the Desert (PG)
12.30am Programmes continue
History SKY 073
6.30 Helicopter Warfare (PG) 7.30 Petra: Lost City
of Stone (PG) 8.30 Time Team 9.30 The Fatal
Conflict: Judea and Rome (M) 10.30 Time Team
11.30 The Machines That Built the World (PG) 12.30
Submarines (PG) 1.30 Tanks 2.30 Secret War (M)
3.30 History’s Raiders (PG) 4.30 Secrets of War
(M) 5.30 The Greatest Race (PG) 6.30 Time Team
7.30 Smoke and Steel: The Modern World (PG)
8.30 Abandoned Engineering (PG) 9.30 Secrets in
the Bones: Black Death Killer (PG) 10.30 Secrets of
the Colosseum (PG) 11.30 Treasures Decoded (PG)
12.30am Programmes continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Animal Impossible (PG) 6.55 Life Below Zero
(M) 7.45 Where the Wild Men Are: Revisited (PG)
8.35 Brian Cox: Forces of Nature (PG) 9.40 Trust
Me, I’m a Doctor (M) 10.35 The Dog Rescuers with
Alan Davies (PG) 11.25 24 Hours in A&E (PG) 12.15
Dynasties (PG) 1.10 Brian Cox: Forces of Nature
(PG) 2.15 Animal Impossible (PG) 3.10 Wildest
Places (PG) 4.05 Trust Me, I’m a Doctor (M) 5.05
Life Below Zero (M) 5.55 Where the Wild Men
Are: Revisited (M) 6.50 The Dog Rescuers with
Alan Davies (PG) 7.40 24 Hours in A&E (PG) 8.30
Weasels: Feisty and Fearless (PG) 9.35 Life in the
Undergrowth (PG) 10.30 Dynasties (PG) 11.25
Wildest Places (PG) 12.25am Programmes continue
WEDNESDAY MARCH 30
Vibe: Death
Vib D th and
d Nightingales,
Ni hti l 9.40pm
9 40
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
6.00 Aotearoa Rugby Pod 6.30 Between Two Posts
7.35 Football, FIFA World Cup European Qualifiers,
live 9.45 Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika v
Blues, highlights from Mt Smart Stadium, Auckland
10.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, New
Zealand v Pakistan, highlights 10.30 ICC Women’s
Cricket World Cup, semi-final 1, from the Basin
Reserve, Wellington, live 7.00 Aotearoa Rugby
Pod 7.30 Once a Warrior with Monty Betham 8.00
PFL Challenger Series, week 6, highlights 9.00
Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika v Blues, replay
from Mt Smart Stadium, Auckland 11.00 Super
Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v Blues, replay from
Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin 1.00am Women’s
Six Nations, Scotland v England, highlights from
Edinburgh Rugby Stadium 1.15 Women’s Six
Nations, Ireland v Wales, replay 1.45 Cycling, Dwars
door Vlaanderen, from Belgium, live 5.00 Gallagher
Premiership, Gloucester v Worcester Warriors,
replay
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
6.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 7, from Hard
Rock Stadium, Florida, live 4.00 A-League Men
Review 5.00 The Back Page 6.00 ANZ Premiership,
Mystics v Pulse, replay from Trusts Arena, Auckland
7.30 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 7, match of the
day 9.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 7, highlights
10.00 French Top 14, replay 12.00am Netball Zone
12.30 French Top 14, highlights 1.00 NBL, Tasmania
JackJumpers v NZ Breakers, highlights 1.30 ATP
1000, Miami Open, day 7, highlights 2.30 Indian
Premier League, Sunrisers Hyderabad v Rajasthan
Royals, highlights 2.50 Indian Premier League, Royal
Challengers Bangalore v Kolkata Knight Riders, from
DY Patil Stadium, Mumbai, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
8.00 Indian Premier League, Delhi Capitals v
Mumbai Indians, highlights from Brabourne Stadium,
Mumbai 8.30 Indian Premier League, Punjab Kings
v Royal Challengers Bangalore, highlights from DY
Patil Stadium, Mumbai 9.00 Indian Premier League,
Gujarat Titans v Lucknow Super Giants, highlights
from Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai 9.30 ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, India v South Africa,
highlights from Hagley Oval, Christchurch 10.30 ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, semi-final 1, from the
Basin Reserve, Wellington, live 7.00 ICC Women’s
Cricket World Cup, India v South Africa, highlights
from Hagley Oval, Christchurch 7.55 Pakistan v
Australia, 1st ODI, highlights from Gaddafi Stadium,
Lahore 8.50 South Africa v Bangladesh, 1st test, day
1, from Kingsmead Stadium, Durban, live 5.00am
Pakistan v Australia, 1st ODI, highlights from Gaddafi
Stadium, Lahore
85
THURSDAY MARCH 31
Biopic: THE ANDY
WARHOL DIARIES
Trying to describe the
essence of an artist is a tricky
proposition, but director
Andrew Rossi comes close
in this six-part series based
on Warhol’s posthumously
published journals. They were
edited by Warhol’s longtime
friend and collaborator Pat
Hackett, and Rossi includes
interviews with Hackett, as
well as many other contribu-
tors, including Debbie Harry,
John Waters and Jerry Hall.
There is also much archival
and news footage to draw
on, as well as many, many
photographs. As Warhol is
so famous for his early work,
the last episode looks anew
at his final commission, The
Last Supper, which opened a
month before his death.
NETFLIX
Documentary: ABSTRACT:
THE ART OF DESIGN
A clever, fast and inventive
series that profiles designers
in various disciplines. There’s
illustrator Christoph Niemann,
photographer Platon, Danish
architect Bjarke Ingels, and
footwear designer Tinker
Hatfield, who was responsible
for many models of Nike Air
Jordans.
NETFLIX
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
86
TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Breakfast (HD, C) John
Campbell, Jenny-May
Clarkson and the Breakfast
team present news, sport,
information and weather.
9.00 The Ellen DeGeneres Show
(PG, HD, C)
10.00 Tipping Point (G, R, HD, C)
Ben Shephard hosts a UK
quiz show.
11.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
Noon 1 News (HD, C)
12.30 Emmerdale (PG, C, AD)
1.00 Coronation Street (PG, R,
C, AD)
2.00 Ready Steady Cook (PG,
HD, C) UK series in which
chefs race the clock to
create appetising recipes
from mystery ingredients.
3.00 Tipping Point (G, C) Ben
Shephard hosts a UK quiz
show.
4.00 Te Karere A Māori
perspective on the day’s
news and current affairs.
4.30 Neighbours (PG, HD, C)
Freya may be a danger to
Levi, and David gets more
than he bargained for.
5.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a
UK quiz show in which
contestants come up against
expert quizmasters known as
the Chasers.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Seven Sharp (HD, C) Hilary
Barry and Jeremy Wells
present current affairs and
entertainment.
7.30 10 Years Younger in 10 Days
(PG, HD, C, AD) Cherry
Healey presents a UK series
in which she enlists style
and beauty experts to help
people with their confidence.
8.30 Sally Lindsay’s Super
Rich Sleepovers (M, C,
AD) Actress Sally Lindsay
samples some of the UK’s
poshest homes.
9.30 Coronation Street (PG,
C, AD)
10.30 1 News (HD)
11.00 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.30 Impossible Builds (G, R,
HD, C, AD) Charlie Luxton
and Aidan Keane meet
families who are building
innovative homes in remote
and challenging locations
in the UK. Tonight, the
Lambert family want to
build their dream home
on a wood-flanked plot in
Buckinghamshire, but the
construction quote is twice
their budget.
12.25am 20/20 (R, C) Carolyn
Robinson presents
international current affairs.
1.15 Te Karere (R)
1.40 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Te Karere (R)
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 Les Mills Born to Move (G,
HD, C)
6.25 Mighty Little Bheem (G,
HD, C)
6.30 Code Fun (G, R, HD, C, AD)
6.50 Maia the Brave (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.00 Darwin and Newts (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.10 Trollstopia (G, HD, C)
7.35 Dragons: Defenders of Berk
(G, HD, C)
7.55 Pokémon Journeys: The
Series (G, R, HD, C)
8.20 Julius Jr. (G, HD, C)
8.40 Paw Patrol (G, R, C)
9.05 Infomercials
9.35 Les Mills Core (G, HD, C)
10.00 Home and Away (PG, R, C)
10.30 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.00 The Mindy Project (PG, HD,
C) s6ep5
11.30 Charmed (PG, HD, C)
s2ep22
12.25 Heroes (PG, HD, C) s2ep10
1.20 The Drew Barrymore Show
(PG, C)
2.15 Superstore (PG, HD, C, AD)
s4ep9
3.05 Sabrina the Teenage Witch
(PG, HD, C)
3.30 The Feed (G, HD)
5.00 The Simpsons (G, R, HD, C)
s26ep11
5.30 Friends (G, R, HD, C) s6ep3
6.00 The Big Bang Theory (G, R,
HD, C) s3ep17
6.30 Home and Away (PG, C)
7.00 Shortland Street (PG, HD,
C, AD)
7.30 Dog Squad Puppy School
(PG, HD, C, AD) Police
pooch Nizzy hits the ground
running, Mobility pups Cedric
and Fletcher are assessed,
and Blind Low Vision
poodles face puppy class.
s3ep7
8.00 Ambulance Australia (PG,
HD, C, AD) Factual series
following dispatchers and
paramedics in Australia.
9.00 Booze Patrol (PG, HD, C)
Factual series following
booze patrol cops in
Australia.
9.30 Hoarders (M, HD, C, AD)
Series about people whose
hoarding has taken over their
lives.
10.30 CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation (16, HD, C)
s2ep4
12.15am The Inbetween (16, HD, C)
s1ep8
1.00 Emmerdale (PG, R, C, AD)
1.25 Infomercials
2.20 Bob Hearts Abishola (G, R,
HD, C) s2ep3
3.05 Gordon Ramsay’s 24Hrs to
Hell and Back (16, R, HD, C)
3.50 How to Get Away with
Murder (PG, R, HD, C) s5ep5
4.35 Neighbours (PG, R, HD, C)
5.00 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 AM (HD) With Ryan Bridge
and Melissa Chan-Green.
9.00 Infomercials
10.35 Match Game (PG, R, HD, C)
s2ep11
11.35 Extreme Couponing (PG,
HD) s1ep10
12.05 You Live in What? (G, HD)
s2ep11
1.05 ■ A Deadly Affair (2017, M,
HD) Valerie Azlynn.
3.00 Cutthroat Kitchen (PG, HD)
s8ep6
4.00 Yard Crashers (G, HD)
s14ep13
4.30 Newshub Live (HD)
5.00 Gold Rush (PG, HD, C)
s3ep15
6.00 Newshub Live (HD)
7.00 The Project (HD) With
Kanoa Lloyd, Jesse Mulligan
and Jeremy Corbett
7.30 7 Days (M, HD) Jeremy
Corbett hosts a topical
comedy panel show,
with Justine Smith, Rhys
Mathewson and Ben Hurley.
8.30 Best of the Graham Norton
Show (M, HD, C) Highlights
from the series include Tom
Hanks, Hugh Grant, Dolly
Parton, Kylie Minogue, Bruce
Springsteen, Michael J Fox,
Tina Fey and Bill Bailey.
s28ep26
9.30 Live at the Apollo (16, R,
HD, C) UK stand-up comedy.
s11ep4
10.30 Newshub Late
11.00 SVU: Special Victims Unit
(16, R, HD, C) s21ep15
11.55 Infomercials
5.30am – 6.00 AM Early (HD) With
Bernadine Oliver-Kerby.
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004
6.00 Infomercials
7.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World
Cup Highlights (G) Semi-
final 1.
8.00 Kids’ Programmes (C)
9.00 Wheel of Fortune (G, R)
9.30 Antiques Roadshow (G, R, C)
10.30 The Office (PG)
11.30 Royal Pains (M)
12.30 The Comeback (M)
1.05 Friday Night Lights (M, C)
2.00 The Late Show (PG, R)
3.00 Wheel of Fortune (G)
3.30 Jeopardy (G)
4.00 American Pickers (PG, R)
5.00 3rd Rock from the Sun
(PG, R, C)
5.30 Prime News
6.00 Storage Wars (PG, R, C)
7.05 Pawn Stars (PG, R)
7.35 The Great British Bake Off
(PG, C) Pastry Week.
8.45 ■ Raised by Refugees (PG, C)
9.15 Our Flag Means Death (M, C)
10.25 The Crowd Goes Wild (PG)
10.55 UFC on Sky (M) With
Ravinder Hunia.
11.25 The Late Show with Stephen
Colbert (PG)
12.25am – 6.00 Infomercials
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
 THURSDAY MARCH 31

MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019 Film: YUSUF HAWKINS: STORM

OVER BROOKLYN
6.30 Kids’ Programmes Director Muta’Ali Muhammad takes
8.30 Oranga Ngākau (G, R)
a forensic look at the segregated
9.30 Whānau Bake-Off (G, R)
10.00 Easy Eats (G, R)
suburbs of New York in this documen-
10.30 Toi Te Ora (G, R) tary about the killing of a black teen
11.00 Sidewalk Karaoke (G, R) in 1989 at the hands of white youths,
11.30 Shear Bro (G, R) belying the idea of a diverse “mosaic”.
Noon Te Ao Tapatahi RIALTO, 11.45pm
12.30 Haka at Home (G, R)

1.30 Tōku Reo (G, R)
2.30 Ako (G, R)
3.30 Kids’ Programmes
6.00 Haka Ngahau ā-Rohe:
Rangitane (G, R) Rangitāne,
from Fielding.
6.30 Te Ao Mārama
7.00 Fresh (G, R) Pasifika show
for young people.
7.30 Only in Aotearoa (M, R)
Comedy sketch show.
8.00 The Casketeers (PG, R)
Francis celebrates his Tongan
whakapapa, and Jay deals
with the emotional toll of
embalming a three-month-
old pēpi.
8.30 Lucky Dip (G, R) Luke Bird
and Marcia Hopa host a
family game.
9.00 Aroha Bridge (PG, R)
Comedy series.
9.30 Ahikāroa (M, R) Chantelle
and Hemi get a painful
reminder.
10.00 Hari with the Māori
Sidesteps (PG, R)
10.30 Anika Moa Unleashed (M,
R) Suzanne Paul and Jamie
Curry.
11.00 – 11.30 Te Ao Mārama (R)
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Infomercials
10.00 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep3
10.55 Bar Rescue (PG, R, HD)
11.50 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep6
12.50 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
1.45 The Real Housewives of
New York City (M, HD)
2.45 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep4
3.40 Face Off (PG, R, HD) s13ep9
4.40 Celebrity Ghost Stories (PG,
R, HD)
5.35 Shark Tank (PG, HD)
6.35 Bar Rescue (PG, HD)
7.30 Ghost Hunters (PG, HD)
8.30 Below Deck (M, HD) An
exhausted Rachel takes out
her frustrations on Heather
during dinner service.
9.30 The Real Housewives of
Orange County (M, HD) Dr
Jen’s attempt to smooth
things over with Noella
unexpectedly blows up.
10.30 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep7
11.25 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
12.15am – 6.00 Infomercials
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 Treetop Cat Rescue (PG, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 Ainsley’s Caribbean Kitchen
(G, R)
9.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG, R)
1.00 Big Family Farm (M, R)
2.00 Ellen’s Next Great Designer
(PG, R)
3.00 From Wags to Riches (G)
4.00 Rick Stein’s Road to Mexico
(PG)
5.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 Undercover Big Boss (PG)
8.00 Newshub Live
8.30 The Newsreader (M)
9.30 Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG)
10.30 Undercover Big Boss (PG, R)
11.30 Baggage Battles (PG)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
6.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.45 Treehouse Masters (PG, R)
7.30 Tanked (PG, R)
8.15 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
9.00 Homestead Rescue (PG, R)
9.45 Bushcraft Build-Off (PG, R)
10.30 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
11.15 Tanked (PG, R)
Noon Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.45 Cooper’s Treasure (M, R)
1.30 Bering Sea Gold (M, R)
2.15 Jungle Gold (PG, R)
3.00 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
3.45 Tanked (PG, R)
4.30 Treehouse Masters (PG, R)
5.15 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.00 Tanked (PG)
6.45 Wheeler Dealers (PG)
7.30 Unique Rides (PG)
8.20 Kindig Customs (PG) Chad
Lewis brings in an Audi R8
Spyder.
9.10 Street Outlaws: No Prep
Kings (M)
10.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG)
10.50 Tanked (PG, R)
11.40 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.25am Programmes continue

TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
6.00 On DUKE Today
Noon DUKEbox Music
1.10 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep9
1.35 Funny You Should Ask
(G, HD)
2.20 My Country Kitchen
(PG, HD)
2.45 Hunting Aotearoa (PG,
R, HD)
3.15 Heavy Rescue 401 (PG, HD)
4.05 The Chase Aus (G, HD, C)
4.55 ABC World News (PG)
5.20 Xploration: Awesome Planet
(PG)
5.45 Abandoned Engineering
(PG, HD, C)
6.35 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep10
7.05 30 Rock (PG, HD, C) s6ep21
7.30 The Simpsons (PG, R, HD, C)
s24ep10
8.30 Icons of Auto (PG, HD)
9.30 Extreme Ice Railroad
(PG, HD)
10.30 Fighter Pilot: The Real
Top Gun (G, R, HD, C, AD)
Recruits train for selection
in the RAF Dambuster
squadron.
11.30 Defiance (M, HD) s2ep10
12.20am – 12.45 ABC World News
(PG)
6.06 Charm City Kings (2020, 16)
Jahi Di’Allo Winston
8.06 The High Note (2020, M)
Tracee Ellis Ross, Dakota
Johnson
9.56 Four Good Days (2019, M)
Mila Kunis, Glenn Close
11.36 Every Breath You Take
(2021, 16) Casey Affleck, Sam
Claflin
1.23 Strange but True (2019,
M) Margaret Qualley, Nick
Robinson
3.00 Judas & the Black Messiah
(2021, 16) Daniel Kaluuya,
LaKeith Stanfield
5.05 The French Dispatch (2021,
M) Bill Murray, Frances
McDormand, Owen Wilson
6.50 The Doorman (2020, 16)
Ruby Rose, Jean Reno
8.30 Respect (2021, M) Based on
the story of singing superstar
Aretha Franklin. Jennifer
Hudson, Forest Whitaker,
Marlon Wayans
10.55 Let Him Go (2020, M) Kevin
Costner, Diane Lane
12.50am Chaos Walking (2021, M)
2.38 Chronicle Mysteries: Recovered
(2019, PG) 4.01 Those Who Wish
Me Dead (2021, 16) 5.41 Ordinary
Love (2019, M)
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
6.16 Funny Girl (1968, G) Barbra
Streisand, Omar Sharif
8.43 Dr. Strangelove (1964, PG)
Peter Sellers, George C Scott
10.18 The Ruling Class (1972, M)
Peter O’Toole, Alastair Sim
12.50 A Night in Casablanca (1946,
G) Groucho Marx, Harpo
Marx
2.15 The Harder They Come
(1972, M) Jimmy Cliff, Janet
Bartley
4.00 All That Jazz (1979, M) Roy
Scheider, Jessica Lange
6.05 Goodfellas (1990, 16) A
petty criminal climbs the
gangster ladder on the mean
streets of New York. Robert
De Niro, Ray Liotta
8.30 Starman (1985, PG) An alien
takes the form of a widow’s
late husband in order to
travel across the country
and rendezvous with his
spaceship. Jeff Bridges,
Karen Allen
10.25 The Doors (1991, 16) Based
on the story of 1960s rock
band The Doors. Val Kilmer,
Meg Ryan
12.45am Awakenings (1990, PG)
2.45 Backdraft (1991, PG) 5.00 Wolf
(1994, M)
7.25 Influence (2020, M) South
African documentary.
9.00 Carmilla (2019, 16) Jessica
Raine
10.35 Revolt She Said (2021, 16)
NZ documentary.
Noon Rurangi (2020, M) Elz
Carrad
1.25 Flint (2020, M) UK
documentary.
3.20 Saint Frances (2019, M) Kelly
O’Sullivan
5.05 My Darling Vivian (2020, M)
US documentary.
6.35 Ammonite (2020, 16)
Based on the life of British
palaeontologist Mary Anning.
Kate Winslet, Saoirse Ronan
8.30 Rialto Documentary:
Lady Boss: The Jackie
Collins Story (2021, 16) UK
documentary about author
Jackie Collins. TV Films,
page 68
10.05 Seberg (2019, M) Based
on the life of actress Jean
Seberg. Kristen Stewart
11.45 Yusuf Hawkins: Storm Over
Brooklyn (2020, 16) US
documentary.
1.30am Instinto (18) s1ep4 2.55
Flint (2020, M) 4.55 Saint Frances
(2019, M)

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER 87

THURSDAY MARCH 31
SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.00 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.50 Judge Judy (PG) 7.15
Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep5 8.05 Medium (M) s3ep12
8.50 Judging Amy (M) s3ep10 9.40 Major Crimes
(M) s2ep12 10.25 Judge Judy (PG) 11.10 The Spanish
Princess (16) s2ep6 12.10 Death and Nightingales
(M) s1ep2 1.00 Garrow’s Law (M) 2.00 Rizzoli & Isles
(M) s6ep5 2.50 Medium (M) s3ep12 3.40 Judging
Amy (M) s3ep10 4.30 Judge Judy (PG) 5.30
Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.30 Major Crimes (M) s2ep12
7.30 Our Girl (16) s4ep2 8.30 Landscapers (16)
As they close in on the truth, Lancing and Wilkie
move onto Christopher’s past. s1ep3 9.30 Delilah
(M) Delilah appeals to Tamara to do the right thing.
s1ep4 10.30 s3ep10 11.20 Judge Judy (PG) 12.10am
Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
6.05 The Jonathan Ross Show: Special Guests
(PG) s1ep3 6.30 EastEnders (PG) 6.55 The Graham
Norton Show (PG) s24ep9 7.45 The Bill (M) 8.35 A
Touch of Frost (M) s10ep2 10.15 Father Brown (M)
s1ep9 11.05 Doc Martin (PG) s6ep7 11.55 Midsomer
Murders (M) s5ep5 1.35 The Bill (M) 2.25 New Tricks
(M) s3ep8 3.25 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown
(M) 4.20 The Graham Norton Show (PG) s24ep10
5.15 Who Do You Think You Are? (PG) 6.20 QI (M)
6.55 EastEnders (PG) 7.25 QI (M) 8.00 Would I Lie
to You? (PG) 8.35 All Round to Mrs Brown’s (M)
With Jonathan Ross, Rob Rinder, the Nolans and
Fleur East. s4ep6 9.20 The Graham Norton Show
(PG) With Madonna, Sir Ian McKellen, Danny Boyle,
Lily James, Himesh Patel and Sheryl Crow. s25ep11
10.20 Call the Midwife (PG) s2ep6 11.20 Midsomer
Murders (M) A s5ep5 1.00am Programmes continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.00 Silicon Valley (M) s6ep3 6.30 Billions (18)
s6ep10 7.30 The Girl Before (16) s1ep1 8.30 Phoenix
Rising (16) s1ep1 9.45 Raised by Wolves (16) s2ep2
10.30 Silicon Valley (M) s6ep3 11.00 Vida (16) s2ep3
11.15 Real Time with Bill Maher (M) s20ep9 12.35
Billions (18) s6ep10 1.35 Phoenix Rising (16) s1ep1
2.50 Raised by Wolves (16) s2ep2 3.40 Silicon
Valley (M) s6ep3 4.10 Baskets (M) s4ep4 4.35
Gentleman Jack (M) s1ep3 5.35 The Name of the
Rose (16) s1ep7 6.30 Winning Time: The Rise of
the Lakers Dynasty (16) s1ep3 7.30 Fleabag (18)
s2ep5 8.00 Somebody Somewhere (M) s1ep7
8.30 Snowfall (18) Teddy forces his way back into
the CIA’s operation in Los Angeles. s5ep2 9.30
The Righteous Gemstones (16) Kelvin and Jesse
conspire to put Eli in his place. s2ep4 10.20 The
Gilded Age (M) s1ep9 11.20 Dublin Murders (16)
s1ep4 12.20am Programmes continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 7.10 Rachael Ray’s
Week in a Day (PG) 8.05 House Hunters (PG) 9.00
The Hairy Bikers Ride Route 66 (PG) 10.00 Love
Your Garden Specials (PG) 11.00 Escape to the
Perfect Town (PG) 11.55 Grand Designs (PG) 12.50
Gardening Australia (PG) 1.50 Salvage Hunters (PG)
2.45 House Hunters (PG) 3.45 Rachael Ray’s Week
in a Day (PG) 4.45 Love Your Garden Specials (PG)
5.40 Love It or List It UK (PG) 6.35 Grand Designs
(PG) 7.30 Escape to the Perfect Town (PG) 8.30
Restaurant: Impossible (PG) 9.30 Mystery Diners
(PG) 10.30 Location Location Location (PG) 11.25
House Hunters (PG) 12.15am Programmes continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 6.55 People
Magazine Investigates (M) 7.45 Chasing Ghislaine
(M) 9.00 Signs of a Psychopath (M) 9.25 Nightmare
Next Door (M) 10.20 Disappeared (M) 11.15 The
Perfect Murder (M) 12.10 Your Worst Nightmare
(M) 1.05 Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? (M) 2.00
Scorned: Love Kills (M) 2.55 Obsession: Dark
Desires (M) 3.50 Blood Relatives (M) 4.45 Your
88
Worst Nightmare (M) 5.40 True Conviction (M)
6.35 Deadline: Crime with Tamron Hall (M) 7.30 Evil
Lives Here (M) 8.30 Crimes Gone Viral (M) 9.30
Body Cam (M) 10.30 The Perfect Murder (M) 11.25
Nightmare Next Door (M) 12.15am Programmes
continue
Sky Arts SKY 020
6.20 Lucerne Festival: Kirill Petrenko Conducts
Yuja Wang 8.05 Verbier 2019: Valery Gergiev
Conducts the Opening Concert 9.35 Lucerne
Festival: Riccardo Chailly Conducts Rachmaninoff
11.30 LSO Opening Night 2021: Simon Rattle
Conducts 100 Years of British Music 1.05 Christian
Thielemann Conducts Bruckner’s No 2 2.10 Lucerne
Festival: Kirill Petrenko Conducts Yuja Wang 4.00
Illicit Trade 4.55 The Decisive Moment 5.10 Elliott
Erwitt: Silence Sounds Good 6.05 Off Camera 7.00
Put Some Colour in Your Life 7.30 Secrets of the
Museum 8.30 Blitzed! The 80s Blitz Kids’ Story 9.30
■ The Bowmakers (2019, G) Documentary about
the craftspeople who make bows. 11.15 Grayson’s
Art Club 12.00am Programmes continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.30 Man Caves
(PG) 6.55 You Have Been Warned (M) 7.45 Maine
Cabin Masters (PG) 8.35 Top Gear (PG) 9.25 Fast
N’ Loud (PG) 10.20 Cal Fire (M) 11.15 Alaskan Bush
People (M) 12.10 How Do They Do It? (PG) 12.35
Man Caves (PG) 1.05 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG) 2.00 Naked and Afraid (PG) 2.55 Aussie
Gold Hunters (PG) 3.50 Deadliest Catch (M) 4.45
Alaska: The Last Frontier (M) 5.40 Fast N’ Loud (M)
6.35 Gold Rush (M) 8.30 Outback Opal Hunters
(PG) 9.30 Dino Hunters (PG) 10.30 Alaskan Bush
People (PG) 11.25 Naked and Afraid (M) 12.15am
Programmes continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Mega Breakdown
(PG) 8.30 Colossal Machines (PG) 9.30 Food
Factory (PG) 10.30 Brain Games: On the Road (PG)
11.30 Green Heroes: Challenging the Desert (PG)
12.30 Air Crash Investigation (PG) 1.30 Gordon
Ramsay: Uncharted (PG) 2.30 Seconds from
Disaster (M) 4.30 Food Factory Marathon (PG)
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Inside Incredible
Machines (PG) 8.30 Great Inventions (PG) 9.30
Hitler’s Last Stand (M) 10.30 Nazi Underworld
(PG) 11.30 Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller (16)
12.30am Programmes continue
History SKY 073
6.30 Secrets in the Bones: Black Death Killer (PG)
7.30 Secrets of the Colosseum (PG) 8.30 Time
Team 9.30 The Greatest Race (PG) 10.30 Time
Team 11.30 Smoke and Steel: The Modern World
(PG) 12.30 Abandoned Engineering (PG) 1.30
Nazi Collaborators (M) 2.30 Secret War (PG) 3.30
History’s Raiders (PG) 4.30 Nazi Hunters (M) 5.30
The Greatest Race (PG) 6.30 Time Team 7.30
Abandoned Engineering (PG) 8.30 First Emperor:
The Man Who Made China (PG) 10.30 The Other
Pompeii (PG) 11.30 Tutankhamun: The Truth
Uncovered (PG) 12.30am Programmes continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Animal Impossible (PG) 6.55 Life Below Zero
(M) 7.45 Where the Wild Men Are: Revisited (M)
8.35 Earth from Space (PG) 9.30 Secrets of Skin
(PG) 10.25 The Dog Rescuers (PG) 11.15 24 Hours
in A&E (PG) 12.05 Dynasties (PG) 1.00 The Hunt:
The Making of (PG) 1.10 Earth from Space (PG)
2.05 Animal Impossible (PG) 3.00 Wildest Places
(PG) 3.55 Secrets of Skin (PG) 4.55 The Hunt: The
Making of (PG) 5.05 Life Below Zero (PG) 5.55
Where the Wild Men Are: Revisited (PG) 6.50 The
Dog Rescuers with Alan Davies (PG) 7.40 24 Hours
in A&E (PG) 8.30 The Dog Rescuers with Alan
Davies (PG) 9.20 Life in the Undergrowth (PG) 10.15
Dynasties (PG) 11.10 Wildest Places (PG) 12.10am
Programmes continue
BBC Earth: Life in the Undergrowth, 9.20pm
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
7.00 Rugby, Gallagher Premiership, Exeter Chiefs
v Leicester Tigers, replay from Sandy Park, Exeter
9.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika v Blues,
highlights from Mt Smart Stadium, Auckland 9.30
PFL Challenger Series, week 6, highlights 10.30
Super Rugby Pacific, Reds v Waratahs, replay from
Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane 12.30 ICC Women’s
Cricket World Cup, semi-final 1, highlights from
the Basin Reserve, Wellington 1.30 ICC Women’s
Cricket World Cup, semi-final 2, from Hagley Oval,
Christchurch, live 10.00 PFL Challenger Series,
week 6, highlights 11.00 French Top 14, replay
1.00am French Top 14, replay 3.00 Super Rugby
Pacific, Moana Pasifika v Hurricanes, replay from Mt
Smart Stadium, Auckland 5.00 Super Rugby Pacific,
Moana Pasifika v Blues, replay from Mt Smart
Stadium, Auckland
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
7.00 Tennis, ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 7,
highlights 8.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 8, from
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami, live 10.00 Basketball,
NBL, Adelaide 36ers v Illawarra Hawks, replay Noon
NBL, Tasmania JackJumpers v NZ Breakers, replay
2.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 8, from Hard Rock
Stadium, Miami, live 4.00 ANZ Premiership, Magic v
Tactix, replay from Trustpower Arena, Tauranga 5.30
NBL Slam 6.00 South Africa v Bangladesh, 1st test,
day 1, highlights from Kingsmead Stadium, Durban
7.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v Blues,
highlights from Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin 7.30
Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v Crusaders, highlights
from FMG Stadium Waikato, Hamilton 8.00 Inside
Netball 8.30 The Crowd Goes Wild 9.00 UFC on
Sky 9.30 NBL, Melbourne United v NZ Breakers,
live 11.30 Netball Zone 12.00am National Netball
League, Marvels v Central, replay from Trusts
Arena, Auckland 1.30 Japan Rugby League One,
Shining Arcs v Black Rams Tokyo, highlights from
Yumenoshima Stadium, Tokyo 2.00 Japan Rugby
League One, Kobe Steelers v Toshiba Brave Lupus,
highlights from Hanazono Rugby Stadium, Osaka
2.30 Indian Premier League, Royal Challengers
Bangalore v Kolkata Knight Riders, highlights 2.50
Indian Premier League, Lucknow Super Giants v
Chennai Super Kings, from Brabourne Stadium,
Mumbai, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
6.00 Cricket, ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup,
semi-final 1, replay from the Basin Reserve,
Wellington 1.30 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup,
semi-final 2, from Hagley Oval, Christchurch, live
10.00 South Africa v Bangladesh, 1st test, day 2,
from Kingsmead Stadium, Durban, live 5.00am ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, semi-final 1, highlights
from the Basin Reserve, Wellington
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

TVNZ 1 FREEVIEW 1 SKY 001
6.00 Breakfast (HD, C) John
Campbell and Jenny-May
Clarkson present news, sport,
information and weather.
9.00 The Ellen DeGeneres Show
(PG, HD, C)
10.00 Tipping Point (G, R, HD, C)
Ben Shephard hosts a UK
quiz show.
11.00 The Chase (G, R, HD, C)
Bradley Walsh hosts a UK
quiz show.
Noon 1 News (HD, C)
12.30 Emmerdale (PG, C, AD) .
1.00 Coronation Street (PG, R,
C, AD)
2.00 Ready Steady Cook (G, HD,
C) UK series in which chefs
race the clock to create
appetising recipes from
mystery ingredients.
3.00 Tipping Point (G, HD, C) Ben
Shephard hosts a UK quiz
show.
4.00 Te Karere A Māori
perspective on the day’s
news and current affairs.
4.30 ■ Bradley Walsh and Son:
Breaking Dad (G, R, HD,
C, AD) On the final leg of
their European road trip,
Bradley and Barney continue
their exploration of Italy by
battling it out as gladiators
and cliff-diving on the Amalfi
Coast.
5.00 The Chase (G, R, C) Bradley
Walsh hosts a UK quiz show.
6.00 1 News (HD, C)
7.00 Seven Sharp (HD, C) Hilary
Barry and Jeremy Wells
present current affairs and
entertainment.
7.30 The Repair Shop (G, HD,
C, AD) UK series in which
expert craftspeople restore
treasured items.
8.30 The Great British Sewing
Bee (G, HD, C, AD) Joe
Lycett presents a UK sewing
competition series, with
judges Patrick Grant and
Esme Grant. Tonight, it’s
Reduce Reuse Recycle
Week, and the sewers must
make waistcoats out of old
clothes, turn army surplus
into a women’s outfit, and
make a dress out of jeans.
s7ep6
9.45 Selling Houses Australia
(PG, C) Andrew Winter,
Shaynna Blaze and Charlie
Albone makeover a diverse
range of properties in a
bid to secure a sale for
desperate vendors.
10.45 1 News (HD)
11.15 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.45 Celebrity Best Home Cook
(G, R, HD, C, AD) s1ep5
12.55am Schitt’s Creek (M, R, HD, C,
AD) s1ep9
1.45 Te Karere (R)
2.10 Infomercials
5.30 – 6.00 Religious
Programming
■ NEW ■ RETURN ■ FINAL ■ FILM
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
TVNZ 2 FREEVIEW 2 SKY 002
6.00 Les Mills Born to Move (G,
HD, C)
6.30 Mighty Little Bheem (G,
HD, C)
6.35 Code Fun (G, R, HD, C, AD)
6.50 Maia the Brave (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.00 Darwin and Newts (G, R, HD,
C, AD)
7.10 Trollstopia (G, HD, C)
7.30 Dragons: Defenders of Berk
(G, HD, C)
7.55 Pokémon Journeys: The
Series (G, R, HD, C)
8.20 Julius Jr. (G, HD, C)
8.40 Paw Patrol (G, R, C)
9.05 Infomercials
9.35 Les Mills Grit Cardio (G,
HD, C)
10.00 Home and Away (PG, R, C)
10.30 Shortland Street (PG, R, HD,
C, AD)
11.00 The Mindy Project (PG, HD,
C) s6ep6
11.30 Charmed (M, C) s3ep1
12.25 Heroes (M, HD, C) s2ep11
1.20 The Drew Barrymore Show
(PG, C)
2.15 Superstore (PG, HD, C, AD)
s4ep11
3.05 Sabrina the Teenage Witch
(G, HD, C)
3.30 The Feed (G, HD)
3.35 ■ Young Riders (G, HD,
C, AD)
5.00 The Simpsons (G, R, HD, C)
s26ep12
5.30 Friends (G, R, HD, C) s6ep4
6.00 The Big Bang Theory (G,
R, HD, C) Sheldon’s friends
come to his aid when his fear
of public speaking stands
between him and a coveted
award. s3ep18
6.30 Home and Away (PG, C)
Cash bears bad news for
Jasmine, Roo takes her
last chance with Martha,
and Dean’s rescue plan for
Mackenzie turns sour.
7.00 Shortland Street (PG, HD,
C, AD)
7.30 8 Out of 10 Cats Does
Countdown (M, HD, C)
Jimmy Carr hosts a UK
comedy panel show.
8.30 Have You Been Paying
Attention? (M, C) Hayley
Sproull hosts a topical
comedy panel show.
9.30 Dinner Date (M, C, AD)
Dating show in which a
single person chooses a
date based on three meals
cooked by a blind date in
their own home.
10.25 Unreal (18, HD, C)
11.20 The Bachelorette (PG, HD,
C) s17ep6
12.55am Emmerdale (R, C, AD)
1.20 Infomercials
2.15 2 Tunes
2.25 ■ Keanu (2016, 16, R, HD, C,
AD) Jordan Peele.
4.10 Bob Hearts Abishola (G, R,
HD, C) s2ep5
4.30 – 6.00 8 Out of 10 Cats (16, R,
HD, C) s22ep6
C Captions AD Audio Description HD High Definition
FRIDAY APRIL 1
THREE FREEVIEW 3 SKY 003
6.00 AM (HD) With Ryan Bridge
and Melissa Chan-Green.
9.00 Infomercials
10.30 Match Game (PG, R, HD, C)
s2ep12
11.30 Extreme Couponing (PG,
HD) s1ep11
Noon You Live in What? (G, HD)
s2ep12
1.00 ■ Cradle of Lies (2006, M,
HD) Shannon Sturges, Dylan
Neal, Daveed Louza.
3.00 Cutthroat Kitchen (PG, HD)
s8ep7
4.00 Yard Crashers (G, HD) s15ep1
Sci-fi: STAR TREK:
4.30 Newshub Live (HD) DISCOVERY
5.00 Gold Rush (PG, HD, C)
s3ep16
The Star Trek universe
6.00 Newshub Live (HD) returned to television in 2017
7.00 The Project (HD) With with this show set 10 years
Kanoa Lloyd, Jesse Mulligan before the original series. It
and Jeremy Corbett
7.30 ■ White House Down (2013, had been a long time coming
M, R, HD, C) While on a tour for fans, as there had been no
of the White House with his Star Trek shows on TV since
daughter, a Capitol Police
the cancellation of Enter-
Officer tries to save his child
and protect the President prise in 2005. (In the interim,
from a group of terrorists. there were the series of films
Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, in which Chris Pine played
Maggie Gyllenhaal. TV Films,
page 68
James Kirk.) The Walking
10.00 Newshub Late Dead’s Sonequa Martin-Green
10.30 Magnum P.I. (M, HD, C) plays Michael Burnham,
Magnum’s uncle reveals demoted to the USS Discov-
a shocking secret about
Thomas’ mother, and TC asks ery. Jason Isaacs, Doug Jones
Higgins for help when he and Tig Notaro also appear
witnesses a potential murder (although Jones is heavily
from his helicopter. s3ep15
disguised as the “Kelpien”
11.30 7 Days (M, R, HD) Jeremy
Corbett hosts a topical Saru). TVNZ OnDemand has
comedy panel show seasons 1-4 from today.
12.30am – 6.00 Infomercials TVNZ ONDEMAND
PRIME FREEVIEW 10 SKY 004
6.00 Infomercials
7.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World
Cup Highlights (G) Semi-
final 2.
8.00 Kids’ Programmes (C)
9.00 Wheel of Fortune (G, R)
9.30 Antiques Roadshow (G, R, C)
10.30 The Office (PG)
11.30 Royal Pains (M)
12.30 The Comeback (M)
1.05 Friday Night Lights (M, C)
2.00 The Late Show (PG, R)
3.00 Wheel of Fortune (G) Sci-fi: EXTANT
3.30 Jeopardy (G)
4.00 American Pickers (PG, R) Halle Berry was persuaded
5.00 3rd Rock from the Sun back into television with this
(PG, R, C) Steven Spielberg-produced
5.30 Prime News
6.00 Storage Wars (PG, R, C) series about an astronaut who
7.00 Pawn Stars (PG, R) gets pregnant in space. So
7.30 Pawn Stars (PG) what? Well, it was a 13-month
8.30 Law & Order: Organized solo mission, so, weird. Goran
Crime (M, C)
9.30 NRL Premiership (G)
Visnjic, Grace Gummer and
Cronulla Sharks v Newcastle Jeffrey Dean Morgan also star,
Knights. but despite decent reviews,
11.30 RAW (PG) the series was cancelled after
12.30am The Late Show with
Stephen Colbert (PG)
two seasons.
1.30 – 6.00 Infomercials TVNZ ONDEMAND
89
FRIDAY APRIL 1
MĀORI TV FREEVIEW 5 SKY 019
6.30 Kids’ Programmes
8.30 Oranga Ngākau (G, R)
9.30 Whānau Bake-Off (G, R)
10.00 Life of Kai (G, R)
10.30 Toi Te Ora (G, R)
11.00 Iwi Anthems (G, R)
11.30 Game of Bros (G, R)
Noon Te Ao Tapatahi
12.30 Pio Terei Tonight (G, R)
1.30 Tōku Reo (G, R)
2.30 Ako (G, R)
3.30 Kids’ Programmes
6.00 Haka Ngahau ā-Rohe:
Rangitane (G, R) Rangitāne,
from Fielding.
6.30 Te Ao Mārama
7.00 Pacific Island Food
Revolution (G, R) Three new
teams must showcase the
best of healthy Fijian cuisine.
8.00 Kai Safari (G, R) Sonia Gray
and Russell Harrison travel
to remote and spectacular
corners of Aotearoa in
search of local fare.
8.30 Pio Terei Tonight (G, R) Pio
Terei and Nix Adams host
a talk show. Tonight, Scotty
Morrison, Marama Jones and
Howie Morrison.
9.30 Giants (G) Series featuring
migrant communities in
Aotearoa. Tonight, the
Samoan community.
10.00 Rage Against the Rangatahi
(PG, R) The state of the
planet, jobs, and the future
for reo-speaking babies.
10.30 Ki Tua (G, R)
11.00 – 11.30 Te Ao Mārama (R)
TVNZ DUKE FREEVIEW 6 SKY 023 SKY PREMIERE SKY 030
6.00 On DUKE Today
Noon DUKEbox Music
1.15 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep10
1.35 Funny You Should Ask
(G, HD)
2.20 My Country Kitchen (G, HD)
2.50 Hunting Aotearoa (PG,
R, HD)
3.15 Heavy Rescue 401 (PG, HD)
4.10 The Chase Australia (G,
HD, C)
5.00 ABC World News (PG)
5.20 Xploration: Awesome Planet
(PG)
5.45 Abandoned Engineering
(PG, HD, C)
6.40 Two and a Half Men (PG, R,
HD, C) s6ep11
7.10 30 Rock (PG, HD, C) s7ep1
7.35 The Simpsons (PG, R, HD, C)
s24ep12
8.30 Family Guy (PG, R, HD, C,
AD)
9.30 Halo (M) Series about a
supersoldier who fights
aliens. s1ep2
10.40 ■ Date Movie (2006, M, HD,
C, AD) A spoof of romcoms.
Alyson Hannigan.
12.15am Taskmaster (PG, R, HD, C,
AD) s4ep1 2.00 – 2.25 ABC World
News (PG)
90
Reality: CLIPPED
At last, the full potential of competition
reality TV is realised. Ugly Betty’s Michael
Urie hosts a series in which topiary artists
fight to the death, or create a perfectly
formed rabbit. Whichever comes first.
The judges are Martha Stewart and
landscape designers Chris Lambton and
Fernando Wong. EDEN, 7.00pm
BRAVO FREEVIEW 4 SKY 012
6.00 Infomercials
10.00 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep4
10.55 Bar Rescue (PG, R, HD)
11.50 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep7
12.45 Deadly Cults (M, R, HD)
1.45 The Real Housewives of
New York City (M, HD)
2.40 Hoarders (PG, R, HD) s5ep5
3.35 Face Off (PG, R, HD) s13ep10
4.35 Celebrity Ghost Stories (PG,
R, HD)
5.30 Shark Tank (PG, HD)
6.30 Bar Rescue (PG, HD)
7.30 ■ Pride & Prejudice (2005,
G, R, HD) In rural England
in the late 18th century, the
arrival of a wealthy bachelor
to the neighbourhood is the
cause of much excitement
for the mother of five
daughters. Keira Knightley.
10.00 A Wedding and a Murder
(M, R, HD)
11.00 Snapped: Killer Couples (M,
R, HD) s3ep8
11.55 Mark of a Killer (16, R, HD)
12.45am – 6.00 Infomercials
7.11 Best Friends Forever (2021,
M) Leah Merritt, Harlan Drum
8.41 Music (2021, M) Kate
Hudson, Maddie Ziegler
10.26 Christmas Movie Magic
(2021, PG) Holly Deveaux,
Drew Seeley
11.52 Trauma Center (2019, 16)
Nicky Whelan, Bruce Willis
1.17 Ordinary Love (2019, M)
Lesley Manville, Liam Neeson
2.47 The Doorman (2020, 16)
Ruby Rose, Jean Reno
4.21 Waves (2019, 16) Kelvin
Harrison Jr. Lucas Hedges
6.35 Wrath of Man (2021, 16)
Jason Statham
8.30 Buddy Games (2020, 16) A
group of friends hope that a
series of games will lift one
of them out a depression.
Josh Duhamel, Olivia Munn,
Kevin Dillon, Dax Shephard,
James Roday Rodriguez
10.10 Old (2021, M) Gael García
Bernal, Vicky Krieps, Rufus
Sewell, Nikki Amuka-Bird
11.55 Promising Young Woman
(2020, 18) Carey Mulligan, Bo
Burnham
1.45am Archive (2020, M) 3.35
Amber Alert (2017, M) 5.05 The
Devil Has a Name (2021, 16)
EDEN FREEVIEW 8 SKY 013
6.00 From Wags to Riches (G, R)
7.00 The Pioneer Woman (G)
7.30 30 Minute Meals (G)
8.00 Rick Stein’s Road to Mexico
(PG, R)
9.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG, R)
10.00 The Bidding Room (G, R)
11.00 Restored (G)
Noon Ugly House to Lovely House
(PG, R)
1.00 Undercover Big Boss (PG, R)
2.00 Baggage Battles (PG)
2.30 30 Minute Meals (G, R)
3.00 My Tiny Terror (PG)
4.00 The Hairy Bikers’ Chocolate
Challenge (G)
5.00 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG)
6.00 The Bidding Room (G)
7.00 Clipped (PG) Reality show
in which topiary artists
compete.
8.00 Newshub Live
8.30 Dancing on Ice (PG)
10.30 Clipped (PG, R)
11.30 Baggage Battles (PG, R)
12.00am – 6.00 Infomercials
MOVIES CLASSICS SKY 034 RIALTO SKY 039
7.05 The River Wild (1994, M)
Meryl Streep, Kevin Bacon
8.53 Pale Rider (1985, PG) Clint
Eastwood, Michael Moriarty
10.45 Gilda (1946, PG) Glenn Ford,
Rita Hayworth
12.32 Being John Malkovich (1999,
M) John Cusack, Cameron
Diaz
2.20 Waterloo (1970) (1970, G)
Rod Steiger, Christopher
Plummer
4.30 The Bodyguard (1992, M)
Kevin Costner, Whitney
Houston
6.35 Sudden Impact (1983, 16)
Clint Eastwood, Sondra
Locke
8.30 The Alamo (1960, PG)
Based on the story of the
defence of the Alamo Fort in
1836. John Wayne, Richard
Widmark
11.10 Sex, Lies and Videotape
(1989, M) A lawyer’s affair
with his sister-in-law
becomes complicated with
the arrival of a visitor with an
usual fetish. James Spader,
Andie MacDowell
12.50am The Enforcer (1976,
16) 2.25 Fanny (1961, G) 4.35
Crossroads (1986, PG)
RUSH FREEVIEW 14 SKY 024
6.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.45 Unique Rides (PG, R)
7.30 Tanked (PG, R)
8.15 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
9.00 Kindig Customs (PG, R)
9.45 Street Outlaws: No Prep
Kings (M, R)
10.30 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
11.15 Tanked (PG, R)
Noon Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.45 Goblin Works Garage (PG, R)
1.30 Iron Resurection (PG, R)
2.15 Texas Metal (PG, R)
3.00 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
3.45 Tanked (PG, R)
4.30 Unique Rides (PG, R)
5.15 Alaskan Bush People (PG, R)
6.00 Tanked (PG)
6.45 Wheeler Dealers (PG)
7.30 Rob Riggle: Global
Investigator (M)
8.20 Expedition Unknown (PG)
9.10 NASA’s Unexplained Files
(PG)
10.00 Alaskan Bush People (PG)
10.50 Tanked (PG, R)
11.40 Wheeler Dealers (PG, R)
12.25am Programmes continue
6.40 Seberg (2019, M) Kristen
Stewart
8.25 Ammonite (2020, 16) Kate
Winslet, Saoirse Ronan
10.20 Flint (2020, M) UK
documentary.
12.20 On Death Row Marathon
(16) s1ep1-4
3.45 Return to Gandhi Road
(2020, PG) NZ documentary.
5.20 The Boy with the Topknot
(2017, M) Sacha Dhawan
6.50 School’s Out (2018, 16)
Laurent Lafitte
8.30 Lapsis (2020, PG) Struggling
to support himself and his
ailing younger brother, a
delivery man takes a job in
a strange new realm of the
gig economy. Dean Imperial,
Babe Howard
10.15 Eternal Beauty (2019, M) A
woman suffering depression
after being left at the altar
forms a bond with another
patient. Sally Hawkins, David
Thewlis, Billie Piper, Penelope
Wilton
11.50 Angel of Mine (2019, 16)
Noomi Rapace
1.30am The Other Lamb (2019, 18)
3.05 On Death Row Marathon (16)
s1ep1-4
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022

SKY CHANNELS
Vibe SKY 006
6.00 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.50 Judge Judy (PG) 7.15
Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep6 8.05 Medium (M) s3ep13
8.50 Judging Amy (M) s3ep11 9.40 Major Crimes
(M) s2ep13 10.30 Judge Judy (PG) 11.15 Our Girl
(16) s4ep2 12.15 Landscapers (16) s1ep3 1.05 Delilah
(M) s1ep4 2.00 Rizzoli & Isles (M) s6ep6 2.50
Medium (M) s3ep13 3.40 Judging Amy (M) s3ep11
4.30 Judge Judy (PG) 5.30 Gilmore Girls (PG) 6.30
Major Crimes (M) s2ep13 7.30 Monday Mornings (M)
Hooten and Buck face off in court against attorney
Mitch Tompkins. s1ep10 8.30 Downton Abbey (M)
With the house recovering from the night’s dramatic
events, Robert is faced with a difficult decision.
s5ep2 9.30 Blue Bloods (M) Henry’s meddling in a
murder case pushes Danny’s buttons. s8ep13 10.20
Judging Amy (M) s3ep11 11.10 Judge Judy (PG)
12.10am Programmes continue
UKTV SKY 007
6.00 Mrs Brown’s Boys (M) s2ep4 6.30 EastEnders
(PG) 6.55 The Graham Norton Show (PG) s24ep10
7.45 The Bill (PG) 8.35 A Touch of Frost (M) s10ep3
10.15 Father Brown (M) s1ep10 11.05 Doc Martin
(PG) s6ep8 11.55 Midsomer Murders (M) s6ep1 1.35
The Bill (M) 2.25 New Tricks (M) s9ep1 3.25 8 Out
of 10 Cats Does Countdown (M) 4.20 The Graham
Norton Show (PG) s24ep11 5.15 Who Do You Think
You Are? (PG) 6.20 QI (M) 6.55 Mrs Brown’s Boys
(M) s2ep5 7.30 QI (PG) 8.00 Would I Lie to You?
(PG) 8.35 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown
(PG) 9.30 Hypothetical (M) With Rob Beckett,
Jonathan Ross, Maisie Adam and Sara Barron. s2ep1
10.20 The Jonathan Ross Show (PG) s15ep1 11.15
Midsomer Murders (M) s6ep1 12.55am Programmes
continue
SoHo SKY 010
6.40 Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty
(16) s1ep3 7.40 Fleabag (18) s2ep5 8.10 Baskets (M)
s4ep4 8.35 The Righteous Gemstones (16) s2ep4
9.15 The Gilded Age (M) s1ep9 10.15 Dublin Murders
(16) s1ep4 11.25 Somebody Somewhere (M) s1ep7
11.55 Fleabag (18) s2ep5 12.20 The Righteous
Gemstones (16) s2ep4 1.00 Snowfall (18) s5ep2
1.50 Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty
(16) s1ep3 2.50 Dublin Murders (16) s1ep4 3.50
Somebody Somewhere (M) s1ep7 4.20 Baskets
(M) s4ep5 4.50 Gentleman Jack (M) s1ep4 5.50
The Name of the Rose (16) s1ep8 6.50 The Fear
Index (16) s1ep3 7.35 The Rook (16) s1ep6 8.30 A
Million Little Things (M) Ron and Regina embark on
a new venture, and Theo has a chance encounter
with Greta. s4ep12 9.15 ■ United Skates (2018, M)
Documentary about the African-American roller-
skating subculture. 10.40 Last Week Tonight with
John Oliver (M) s9ep5 11.15 Phoenix Rising (16) s1ep1
12.30am Programmes continue
Living SKY 017
6.15 Salvage Hunters (PG) 7.10 Rachael Ray’s
Week in a Day (PG) 8.05 House Hunters (PG) 9.00
Location Location Location (PG) 10.00 Restaurant:
Impossible (PG) 11.00 Escape to the Perfect Town
(PG) 11.55 Grand Designs (PG) 12.55 Mystery Diners
(PG) 1.50 Salvage Hunters (PG) 2.45 House Hunters
(PG) 3.45 Rachael Ray’s Week in a Day (PG) 4.40
Restaurant: Impossible (PG) 5.40 Love It or List It
UK 6.35 Grand Designs (PG) 7.30 Escape to the
Perfect Town (PG) 8.30 Long Lost Family UK (PG)
9.30 Paramedics on Scene (PG) 10.30 My Mortgage
Free Home (PG) 11.30 House Hunters (PG) 12.25am
Programmes continue
Investigation Discovery SKY 018
6.05 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 6.55 Reasonable
Doubt (M) 7.45 Homicide City (M) 8.35 Crimes
Gone Viral (M) 9.25 Nightmare Next Door (M)
10.20 Disappeared (M) 11.15 The Perfect Murder
(M) 12.10 Your Worst Nightmare (M) 1.05 Who the
MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER
(Bleep) Did I Marry? (M) 2.00 Scorned: Love Kills
(M) 2.55 Obsession: Dark Desires (M) 3.50 Blood
Relatives (M) 4.45 Your Worst Nightmare (M)
5.40 Crimes Gone Viral (M) 6.35 Body Cam (M)
7.30 Evil Lives Here (M) 8.30 Reasonable Doubt
(M) 9.30 Homicide City (M) 10.30 The Perfect
Murder (M) 11.25 Nightmare Next Door (M) 12.15am
Programmes continue
Sky Arts SKY 020
7.15 Grayson’s Art Club 8.00 Illicit Trade 8.55 The
Decisive Moment 9.10 Elliott Erwitt: Silence Sounds
Good 10.05 Off Camera 11.00 Put Some Colour in
Your Life 11.30 Secrets of the Museum 12.30 Blitzed!
The 80s Blitz Kids’ Story 1.30 ■ The Bowmakers
(2019, G) 3.15 Grayson’s Art Club 4.00 Rita
Hayworth: From Gilda to Rita 5.00 Mark Knopfler: A
Life in Songs 6.00 The Big Book Club 7.00 Stars of
the Silver Screen: Telly Savalas 7.45 The Directors:
Robert Altman 8.30 Great British Photography
Challenge 9.30 Rankin’s 2020 10.00 Illicit Trade
10.55 The Decisive Moment 11.10 Put Some Colour
in Your Life 12.00am Programmes continue
Discovery SKY 070
6.05 How Do They Do It? (PG) 6.30 Man Caves
(PG) 6.55 You Have Been Warned (M) 7.45 Maine
Cabin Masters (PG) 8.35 Top Gear (PG) 9.25 Fast
N’ Loud (PG) 10.20 Gold Rush (M) 11.15 Outback
Opal Hunters (PG) 12.10 How Do They Do It? (PG)
12.35 Man Caves (PG) 1.05 Mysteries at the Museum
(PG) 2.00 Naked and Afraid (PG) 2.55 Aussie
Gold Hunters (PG) 3.50 Deadliest Catch (M) 4.45
Alaska: The Last Frontier (M) 5.40 Gold Rush (M)
6.35 Aussie Salvage Squad (PG) 7.30 Outback Opal
Hunters (PG) 8.30 Aussie Gold Hunters (PG) 9.30
Demolition Down Under (PG) 10.30 Expedition
X (M) 11.25 Naked and Afraid (M) 12.15am
Programmes continue
National Geographic SKY 072
6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG) 7.30 Inside Incredible
Machines (PG) 8.30 Great Inventions (PG) 9.30
Hitler’s Last Stand (M) 10.30 Nazi Underworld (PG)
11.30 Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller (16) 12.30
Air Crash Investigation (M) 1.30 Gordon Ramsay:
Uncharted (PG) 2.30 No Man Left Behind (M) 4.30
North Korea: Michael Palin’s Journey (PG) 5.30
Colossal Machines (PG) 6.30 Drain the Oceans (PG)
7.30 Trafficked with Mariana van Zeller (16) 8.30 To
Catch a Smuggler (M) 9.30 Air Crash Investigation
(M) 10.30 Air Crash Investigation (PG) 11.30 Food
Factory (PG) 12.30am Programmes continue
History SKY 073
7.30 The Other Pompeii (PG) 8.30 Time Team
9.30 The Greatest Race (PG) 10.30 Time Team
11.30 Abandoned Engineering (PG) 12.30 Secrets
in the Bones: Black Death Killer (PG) 1.30 Nazi
Collaborators (M) 2.30 Secret War (PG) 3.30
History’s Raiders (PG) 4.30 Nazi Hunters (M) 5.30
World’s Greatest Palaces (PG) 6.30 Time Team
7.30 Butterfly Effect (PG) 8.30 Massive Engineering
Mistakes (PG) 9.30 Complete History of the Navy
Seals (PG) 11.30 The Last Days of Pompeii (PG)
12.30am Programmes continue
BBC Earth SKY 074
6.00 Animal Impossible (PG) 6.55 Life Below Zero
(M) 7.45 Where the Wild Men Are: Revisited (PG)
8.35 Earth from Space (PG) 9.30 Secrets of Skin
(PG) 10.25 The Dog Rescuers with Alan Davies (PG)
11.10 24 Hours in A&E (PG) Noon Dynasties (PG)
12.55 Earth from Space (PG) 1.50 Animal Impossible
(PG) 2.45 Attenborough’s Natural Curiosities (PG)
3.10 Wildest Places (PG) 4.05 Secrets of Skin (PG)
5.00 Life Below Zero (PG) 5.55 Where the Wild
Men Are: Revisited (PG) 6.50 The Dog Rescuers
with Alan Davies (PG) 7.40 24 Hours in A&E (PG)
8.30 Natural History Museum: World of Wonder
(PG) 9.25 The Truth About Getting Fit at Home
(PG) 10.20 Dynasties (PG) 11.15 Wildest Places (PG)
12.15am Programmes continue
FRIDAY APRIL 1
SoHo:
S H U United
i d Sk
Skates, 9
9.15pm
15
SKY SPORT
Sky Sport 1 SKY 051
7.00 Premier League Darts, night 8, from
Rotterdam Ahoy, live 10.30 Super Rugby Pacific,
Moana Pasifika v Blues, highlights 11.00 Super
Rugby Pacific, Reds v Waratahs, highlights 11.30
UFC on Sky Noon ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup,
semi-final 1, highlights 1.00 Inside Netball 1.30 NBL,
Melbourne United v NZ Breakers, replay 3.30 Super
Rugby Pacific, Moana Pasifika v Blues, highlights
4.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Rebels v Fijian Drua,
highlights 4.30 Super Rugby Pacific, Highlanders v
Blues, highlights 5.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs
v Crusaders, highlights 5.30 Rugby Heaven 6.30
Super Rugby Pacific, Crusaders v Highlanders, from
Orangetheory Stadium, Christchurch, live 9.30
Super Rugby Pacific, Waratahs v Fijian Drua, from
Cbus Super Stadium, Gold Coast, live 12.00am
Super Rugby Pacific, Crusaders v Highlanders,
replay 2.00 NBL, Melbourne United v NZ Breakers,
replay 4.00 Women’s Six Nations, Scotland v
England, highlights 4.30 ICC Women’s Cricket
World Cup, semi-final 2, highlights 5.30 Gallagher
Premiership, Exeter Chiefs v Leicester Tigers, replay
Sky Sport 2 SKY 052
7.00 Basketball, NBL, Melbourne United v NZ
Breakers, highlights 7.30 NRL Premiership,
highlights 8.00 NBL, Melbourne United v NZ
Breakers, replay 10.00 Inside Netball 10.30 ATP
Uncovered 11.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 8,
highlights Noon ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 9,
live 2.00 Super Rugby Pacific, Chiefs v Crusaders,
highlights 2.30 Rugby Heaven 3.30 NBL Overtime
4.00 NBL, Melbourne United v NZ Breakers, replay
6.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 9, quarter-final
3 7.30 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day 9, quarter-
final 4 9.00 Aussie Rules, AFL, live 12.00am
Rugby Heaven 1.00 ATP 1000, Miami Open, day
9, highlights 2.00 UFC on Sky 2.30 ICC Women’s
Cricket World Cup, semi-final 2, highlights 2.50
Indian Premier League, Kolkata Knight Riders v
Punjab Kings, live
Sky Sport 3 SKY 053
6.00 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, semi-final 2,
replay from Hagley Oval, Christchurch 1.30 South
Africa v Bangladesh 1st test, day 2, replay 3.30 ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, semi-final 1, highlights
4.30 Pakistan v Australia, 1st ODI, highlights 5.30
Pakistan v Australia, 2nd ODI, highlights 6.30 ICC
Women’s Cricket World Cup, semi-final 1, highlights
6.50 ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup, semi-final 2,
highlights 7.50 South Africa v Bangladesh, 1st test,
day 2, highlights 8.50 South Africa v Bangladesh,
1st test, day 3, from Kingsmead Stadium, Durban,
live 5.00am Pakistan v Australia, 2nd ODI, replay
from Gaddafi Stadium, Lahore
91
RADIO MARCH 26APRIL 1
RNZ Concert
FREEVIEW 51 SKY 422 iHeartRADIO
rnz.co.nz/concert
NB: All programmes are subject to change
SATURDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 8.00, 9.00, noon
6.00 RNZ Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ
Concert Days 1.00 Onstage 2.00 Worlds of
Music with Trevor Reekie 3.00 RNZ Concert
Afternoons 5.00 Inside Out with Nick Tipping
7.00 RNZ Concert Evenings 8.00 Music Alive
Houstoun Plays Bach – Well-Tempered Clavier
Book 2, Nos 13-24, Michael Houstoun (piano)
(Programme 4 of 4, recorded in the University
of Auckland Music Theatre) 9.30 Sound Lounge
Contemporary music 12.00am Music Through
the Night
SUNDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 8.00, 9.00, noon
6.00 Sanctuary 7.30 Hymns on Sunday with
Robyn Jaquiery 8.00 Grace Notes 9.00 RNZ
Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ Concert Days
1.00 Onstage 3.00 The Musical Omnivore with
David Morriss 5.00 New Horizons with William
Dart Rock, pop, country, folk and beyond 6.00
Opera on Sunday Handel’s Rodelinda – Elza van
den Heever (Rodelinda), Jamie Barton (Edulge),
Iestyn Davies (Bertaldo), Anthony Roth
Costanzo (Unulfo), Paul Appleby (Grimoaldo),
Adam Plachetka (Garibaldo), Metropolitan
Opera Chorus and Orchestra/Harry Bicket
(recorded in the Metropolitan Opera House, New
York) 9.00 Made in New Zealand 11.00 New
Music Dreams Ryan Smith explores ambient and
drone music 12.00am Music Through the Night
RNZ National
FREEVIEW 50 SKY 421 iHeartRADIO
rnz.co.nz
NB: Programmes are subject to change depending on
Covid level restrictions at time of broadcast
SATURDAY
6.08 Storytime 7.08 Country Life 8.10 Saturday
Morning with Kim Hill 12.10 Māpuna with Julian
Wilcox Conversations with Māori throughout
Aotearoa, from sports legends to business
leaders, artists and community advocates 1.06
Music 101 with Charlotte Ryan 5.00 The World
at Five 5.30 Tagata o te Moana Pacific news,
issues, information and music 6.06 Nashville
Babylon Mark Rogers presents Americana,
alt country, folk, soul and blues 7.06 Saturday
Night with Phil O’Brien Requests, nostalgia
and musical memories 12.04am All Night
Programme
SUNDAY
6.08 Storytime 7.10 Features Hour 8.06
Sunday Morning with Jim Mora Including 9.06
Mediawatch 12.12 Standing Room Only with
Lynn Freeman Including 1.10 At the Movies 2.05
The Laugh Track 3.05 Classic Drama 4.06 The
Arts Hour (BBC World Service) 5.00 The World
at Five 5.10 Heart and Soul (BBC) 5.35 Te Manu
Korihi Māori news and issues 6.06 Māpuna
with Julian Wilcox 6.50 Voices 7.04 Smart Talk
Conversations recorded around Aotearoa and
the world, including from NPR’s TED Radio Hour
and the BBC World Service 8.06 The Sunday
Night Retro Show with Phil O’Brien An evening
of music and memories 10.00 News at Ten
10.15 Mediawatch 11.04 The Retro Cocktail Hour
(KPR) 12.04am All Night Programme
92
Monique Lapins, Music Alive, Thursday, 8pm.
MONDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 7.00, 8.00, 9.00, noon,
5.00pm
6.00 RNZ Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ
Concert Days 1.00 Onstage 3.00 RNZ Concert
Afternoons 7.00 RNZ Concert Evenings 8.00
Music Alive NZSO: Classical Hits – Schubert:
Symphony No 8 in B minor D759, Unfinished;
Tchaikovsky: Variations on a Rococo Theme;
Wood: Tom Bowling from Fantasia on British
MONDAY
5.00 First Up with Nathan Rarere 6.00
Morning Report with Corin Dann and Susie
Ferguson 9.06 Nine to Noon with Kathryn Ryan
Noon Midday Report with Māni Dunlop 1.06
Afternoons with Jesse Mulligan 3.45 The Panel
with Wallace Chapman 5.00 Checkpoint with
Lisa Owen 6.30 Trending Now 7.06 Nights with
Bryan Crump 10.00 News at Ten 10.15 Lately
with Karyn Hay 11.04 Nashville Babylon Mark
Rogers presents Americana, alt country, folk,
soul and blues 12.04am All Night Programme
TUESDAY
5.00 First Up with Nathan Rarere 6.00
Morning Report with Corin Dann and Susie
Ferguson 9.06 Nine to Noon with Kathryn Ryan
Noon Midday Report with Māni Dunlop 1.06
Afternoons with Jesse Mulligan 3.45 The Panel
with Wallace Chapman 5.00 Checkpoint with
Lisa Owen 6.30 Trending Now 7.06 Nights with
Bryan Crump 10.00 News at Ten 10.15 Lately
with Karyn Hay 11.04 Worlds of Music with
Trevor Reekie 12.04am All Night Programme
WEDNESDAY
5.00 First Up with Nathan Rarere 6.00
Morning Report with Corin Dann and Susie
Ferguson 9.06 Nine to Noon with Kathryn
Ryan Noon Midday Report with Māni Dunlop
1.06 Afternoons with Jesse Mulligan 3.45 The
Panel with Wallace Chapman 5.00 Checkpoint
with Lisa Owen 6.30 Trending Now 7.06 Nights
with Bryan Crump 10.00 News at Ten 10.15
Lately with Karyn Hay 11.04 Inside Out Nick
Tipping presents classic recordings and modern
masterpieces from the world of jazz 12.04am All
Night Programme
Sea Songs; Whitehead: Turanga-nui (première);
Debussy: Prélude à l’après-midi d’un faune;
Tchaikovsky: Romeo & Juliet, Fantasy Overture,
Andrew Joyce (cello), New Zealand SO/Hamish
McKeich (recorded in the Michael Fowler Centre,
Wellington) 10.00 Day’s End 12.00am Music
Through the Night
TUESDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 7.00, 8.00, 9.00, noon,
5.00pm
6.00 RNZ Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ
Concert Days 1.00 Onstage 3.00 RNZ Concert
Afternoons 7.00 RNZ Concert Evenings 8.00
Music Alive WCMT: Megiddo & Thomson – Falla:
Suite populaire espagnole; S Fisher: Mono no
aware; N Boulanger: Three Pieces for cello &
piano; Shostakovich arr Atovmyan: Adagio &
Springtime Waltz, from The Limpid Stream; C
Schumann: Three Romances Op 22; Brahms:
Cello Sonata No 2 in F Op 99, Inbal Megiddo
(cello), Rachel Thomson (piano) (recorded in
St. Andrew’s on The Terrace, Wellington) 10.00
Day’s End 12.00am Music Through the Night
WEDNESDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 7.00, 8.00, 9.00, noon,
5.00pm
6.00 RNZ Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ
Concert Days 1.00 Onstage 3.00 RNZ Concert
Afternoons 7.00 RNZ Concert Evenings 8.00
Music Alive Deutsche Welle Festival Concerts
– Beethovenfest: Prometheus Variations with
star guest Cameron Carpenter – Beethoven: The
Creatures of Prometheus, Overture and Ballet
Music Op 43; Liszt: Prometheus S99; Carpenter:
The Scandal for organ and orchestra Op 3; Liszt:
Les Préludes; Scriabin: Prometheus, Poem of Fire
THURSDAY
5.00 First Up with Nathan Rarere 6.00
Morning Report with Corin Dann and Susie
Ferguson 9.06 Nine to Noon with Kathryn Ryan
Noon Midday Report with Māni Dunlop 1.06
Afternoons with Jesse Mulligan 3.45 The Panel
with Wallace Chapman 5.00 Checkpoint with
Lisa Owen 6.30 Trending Now 7.06 Nights with
Bryan Crump 10.00 News at Ten 10.15 Lately
with Karyn Hay 11.04 Music 101 Pocket Edition
12.04am All Night Programme
FRIDAY
5.00 First Up with Nathan Rarere 6.00
Morning Report with Corin Dann and Susie
Ferguson 9.06 Nine to Noon with Kathryn Ryan
Noon Midday Report with Māni Dunlop 1.06
Afternoons with Jesse Mulligan
3.45 The Panel with Wallace
Chapman 5.00 Checkpoint
with Lisa Owen 6.30
Trending Now 7.06 Nights
with Bryan Crump 10.00
News at Ten 10.15 Lately
with Karyn Hay 11.04 The
Mix Tape Guests compile
a “C60” and discuss their
selections 12.04am
All Night
Programme
Tova O’Brien,
Monday to
Thursday,
9am, Today
FM.
LISTENER MARCH 26 2022
Op 60; Wagner: Prelude to Act 3 of Lohengrin;
Beethoven: Egmont Overture Op 84, Deutsche
Classical Home Listening
Kammerphilharmonie Bremen/Paavo Järvi; by ELIZABETH KERR
b
Berlin Philharmonic/Claudio Abbado; Pauli
Jämsä (pno), Cameron Carpenter (organ),
Beethoven Orchestra Bonn/Dirk Kaftan
(recorded in the World Conference Center,
Bonn) 10.00 Day’s End 12.00am Music
Through the Night

THURSDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 7.00, 8.00, 9.00,
noon, 5.00pm
6.00 RNZ Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ
Concert Days 1.00 Onstage 3.00 RNZ Concert
Afternoons 7.00 RNZ Concert Evenings 8.00
Music Alive APO Premier Series: Magnificent
Mendelssohn – Gade: Echoes of Ossian;
Mendelssohn: Violin Concerto in E minor
Op 64; Dvorak: Symphony No 8 in G Op 88,

Love letter
Monique Lapins (vln), Auckland Philharmonia
Orchestra/Giordano Bellincampi (recorded in
Auckland Town Hall) 10.00 Day’s End 12.00am
Music Through the Night

FRIDAY
News and Weather 6.00, 7.00, 8.00, 9.00,
noon, 5.00pm
6.00 RNZ Concert Mornings 10.00 RNZ
to NZ Where Will They Bury My
Bones? is performed in
London’s Fishmongers’ Hall.

Concert Days 1.00 Onstage 3.00 RNZ Concert

Afternoons 7.00 RNZ Concert Evenings
8.00 Music Alive Amalia & Friends: Paris
– Mozart: Violin Concerto No 5 in A, K219,
Turkish; Mozart: Symphony No 31 in D K297,
Paris, Amalia Hall (violin/director) Orchestra
Wellington (recorded in St. Andrew’s on The
Terrace, Wellington) 10.00 Day’s End 12.00am
A streamed festival London-based New Zealander, leads the
instrumental ensemble of string quartet
performance features and piano, which includes Kiwi cellist
Kiwis living abroad. Matthias Balzat and Christchurch-born
violinist Kate Oswin. “Most of these musi-
cians were unable to come home for a

Music Through the Night
Newstalk ZB newstalkzb.co.nz
SATURDAY
6.00 All Sport Breakfast with D’Arcy Waldegrave
9.00 Jack Tame Noon Sportstalk 3.00 Tim Roxborogh
& Tim Beveridge 6.00 Bruce Russell 12.00am Jim
Snedden
SUNDAY
6.00 Peter Wolfkamp 9.00 Francesca Rudkin Noon
Sportstalk 3.00 Tim Roxborogh & Tim Beveridge 6.00
Frank Ritchie & Jax van Buuren 7.30 John Cowan
8.00 Miles Davis 11.00 The Nutters Club with Hamish
Coleman-Ross & Kyle MacDonald 1.00am Bruce Russell
MONDAY-FRIDAY
5.00 Kate Hawkesby 6.00 Mike Hosking 9.00 Kerre
McIvor Noon Simon Barnett & James Daniels (Andrew
Dickens on Monday) 4.00 Heather du Plessis-Allan
7.00 Sportstalk 8.00 Marcus Lush 12.00am Bruce
Russell/Tim Beveridge
Today FM
SATURDAY
6.00 Nigel Yalden 9.00 WellBeings with Dominic
Bowden Noon Robett Hollis 2.00 Sport with Marc
Peard & John Day 6.00 Saturday Night Live
SUNDAY
6.00 Best of Tova & Lloyd Burr Live 7.00 Build &
Design with Hamish Dodd & Stan Scott 9.00 Mel
Homer Noon Buttabean Radio Show with Dave Letele
& Nats Levi 2.00 Graeme Hill 7.00 Podcast Playout
8.00 Polly Gillespie
MONDAY-THURSDAY
5.00 Rachel Smalley 6.30 Tova O’Brien 9.00 Duncan
Garner Noon Leah Panapa & Mark Richardson 4.00
Lloyd Burr 7.00 Graeme Hill (Wilhelmina Shrimpton on
Monday) 8.00 Polly Gillespie
FRIDAY
As above until evening 7.00 Podcast Playout 8.00
Nickson Clark
T
he premiere of Gareth Farr’s
latest composition had an
opulent setting far from New
Zealand. The composer is
delighted. “It looks as if it were filmed
in Buckingham Palace!” he laughs. “I
love the glimpses of night-time London
through those big windows.”
Where Will They Bury My Bones? for bar-
itone, string quartet and piano was filmed
in the banqueting room of the historic
Fishmongers’ Hall overlooking the River
Thames. The March 19 premiere screen-
ing, part of the Auckland Arts Festival,
coincided with the second anniversary of
New Zealand closing its borders ahead of
the first Covid lockdown in 2020.
London-based New Zealand baritone
Julien Van Mellaerts sings the solo vocal
part. He worked closely with Farr and
Melbourne-based Kiwi librettist Paul
Horan and says the story is very personal
to all three of them. “Throughout the pan-
demic, we all felt isolation from home or
from one another. I lost my grandad and
my first music teacher and was unable
to travel back. This is our love letter to
New Zealand, expressing our pride that
we carry wherever we are in the world.
Recording it with a group of largely Kiwi
musicians in London was touching and
magical – I’ll never forget it.”
Violinist Ben Baker, another
long time,” says Farr.
Horan was initially thinking of a kind
of requiem, but as the work developed,
the expressive intent shifted. “It’s mor-
phed into a very, very romantic piece,”
says Farr. “The title is stark, but musically
it’s about striving for something you can’t
quite grasp, about homesickness and
dislocation. The final verse, “Hiraeth” – a
Welsh word meaning yearning – ends
with the poignant words “Nowhere is/
Ever more than nine seas away”.
The premiere showing remains online
until March 27. “By the time Covid had
taken hold, it had to be a film,” says Farr.
“And it looks stunning! Online presenta-
tion is here to stay. We all need to get
better televisions and sound systems and
get used to it.” l
Where Will They Bury My Bones?
by Gareth Farr (composer) and
Paul Horan (librettist), performed
by Julien Van Mellaerts (baritone),
Ben Baker and Kate Oswin (violins),
Charlotte Bonneton (viola), Mat-
thias Balzat (cello), James Baillieu
(piano), filmed by TallWall Media in
London. Premiere screening hosted
by Auckland Arts Festival and RNZ
Concert, March 19-27. aaf.co.nz/event/
where-will-they-bury-my-bones

MARCH 26 2022 LISTENER 93

 THE GOOD LIFE

GREG
DIXON
Saviours of old New Zild

W
elcome to the first thoughtful letter, Alison Hale suggested standouts were, “I wouldn’t spit on him
annual general a number of fine-but-fading expressions for practice,” and “There’s nothing wrong
meeting of the needing help, including, for when some with him that a good undertaker couldn’t
Society for the nosy bugger asks what you are doing, fix,” both first entries in the prospective
Protection of saying, “I’m making a wigwam for a Sponzi Book of Phrase and Insult.
New Zealand Idiom. Due to the current goose’s bridle.” This is simply delightful. Annabelle O’Meara, from Tauherenikau,
Omicron outbreak, we are gathering in the In a similar vein, if the same nosy says she hears the voice of her father,
safest venue that could be found at short bugger asks where you’re going, say, Gerald Kilkelly O’Meara, a Southland
notice: the inside of Greg’s head. “Up the booai shooting pukekos with a farmer born in 1912, in that terrific
Before we move on to the first item on long-handled shovel.” Thank you for that exclamation of surprise, “blow me down
the agenda, the chair would like to move a one, Jan Caudwell. the hatch!”
vote of thanks to Greg for having Philip McCabe includes among
us in his head, and for Greg his favourites, “mad as a two-bob
promising he won’t have his usual watch”, while Jan Fletcher from
stream of gloomy thoughts for the Paraparaumu said an expression
duration of the AGM. Also, Greg she remembers while grow-
apologises for that musty smell. ing up was, “They don’t need a
The first order of business Christmas tree in their house,”
is electing the society’s offic- presumably meaning the “they”
ers. Due to the current lack of were not short of a bob or two.
members, Greg moves that he Alison Kelson, from Nelson,
temporarily fulfil the roles of wrote to say all four of her
chair, secretary, treasurer and grandparents were born in New
entire membership, but only if he Zealand in the 1870s, of English
can have the title “el Presidente”. and Irish parentage, so they had a
All those in favour, say aye. The great selection of sayings, but the
motion is unanimously carried. one she remembers most is from
The second item is correspond- her maternal grandfather, Edwin
ence. It appears those whose Stanley Brookes, who was born at
memories stretch back to the A nor’ west arch Wharehine, Port Albert, in 1872.
over Lush Places.
“good old days” (for younger The mildest of men, his worst
readers, this was the period expletive was, “By Jove!”
between the beginning of time
Alison Hale suggested a number
and your birth) are very much
in favour of a Society for the
Protection of New Zealand
Idiom, or, God help us, Sponzi.
of expressions needing help,
including, “I’m making a
B efore el Presidente closes
the meeting, is there any
other business arising?
The chair recognises Michael
Since the announcement of wigwam for a goose’s bridle.” D. Palmer from Manukau. He has
its creation on this page some written to the society to suggest
weeks ago, el Presidente has been that if we don’t like our esteemed
in receipt of some excellent proposals Alison also writes that, in Canterbury, body’s acronym, Sponzi – God help us
for worthy, endangered New Zealand an old expression for dying is “to pass once again – then perhaps, for our sins,
expressions in need of the society’s through the nor’west arch”, the arch (also the society would prefer to style itself
support and protection. seen in Wairarapa) being a distinctive Sinz, or Save Idiom New Zealand.
A number of venerable and honourable cloud formation sometimes created by the The committee welcomes Michael’s
correspondents suggested phrases many prevailing nor’wester, a strong föhn wind. proposal and consideration for this
will remember, such as “home, James, Mike Beckett, from Featherston, sent change has been given to a special
and don’t spare the horses”, “rat down a an impressive list of prospects, includ- subcommittee. Now, if there are no
GREG DIXON

drainpipe” and “smell of an oily rag”. ing such useful exclamations as, “All that other matters, we should bring the first
There were also a pleasing number for nothing, how much for sixpence?” AGM of Sponzi to a close PDQ – Greg is
el Presidente had not heard. In a long, and “their blood’s worth bottling”. Mike’s complaining he needs his head back. l

94 LISTENER 26 MARCH 2022

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