SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY MAD STICKERS! THE THIRD ANNUAL COLLEGTION OF Next time you suffer an indignity— Next time you're taken advantage of— Next time you're cheated or robbed or abused or insulted or intimidated ... DON'T BOTHER TO YELL ABOUT IT! TAKE YOUR REVENGE WITH INL A £4 1D) MISCHIEF STICKERS «.mainly those you're stuck with asthe | FREE FULL-COLOR FOLD-OUT BONUS in this latest MAD ANNUAL (;=e— Here are a few of the ridiculous MAD MISCHIEF STICKERS you'll be getting.. THIS PHONE BOOTH 1 IF YOU'VE GOTA al RESERVED ; Me ae FOR DON'T DRIVE WITH SUPERMAN te THIS NUT! .-along with the usual bombs and other acts of idiocy from past issues in THE THIRD ANNUAL EDITION OF MAD FOLLIES ON SALE NOW AT YOUR NEAREST MAGAZINE STAND —AND ALSO AT SOME FARAWAY ONES!. i 5 NUMBER 101 MARCH 1966 VITAL FEATURES THE MAD f ; SUBURBAN is what happens when you finally clase your moutls and ad ctaris talking sence fo itself!"—Alered E. Neuman PRIMER Pod WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT i, ELDSTEIN editor JJOWN PUTMAN art director LEDKABD BRENNER production JRA BE PUELIO, KEK MEELIS autelate editors SuOTN J. SOKRIMIAS Fotvite mica mena publicly GLORIA GRLNKDO, CELIA SAREE, RICHARD CLO suc ptiomt ‘SOSTRIRUTESG RHSYS AND Whines the usual gang of fois VOYAGE TO SEE WHAT'S ‘ON THE BOTTOM Pg. 13 DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT ‘The Lighter Sida Of Shopping. .....-.+s++ DIRTY BIRDS DEPARTMENT ‘The Sinpiper (A MAD Movie Satira)............2ceceeece eed DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT THE At The Elevators ...... ughTER ‘One Day In The Pasture, zB Ore Another Great Bank Robbory.. 48 Pg. 22 FRIGHTENING DEVELOPMENTS DEPARTMENT The MAD Suburban Primer... So oe aed JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy .. vec LAME-BRAIN GAMES DEPARTMENT MAD's Puzzle Page ...... eo LAW ENFARCEMENT DEPARTMENT AND Badge And Billy Magazine... a BILLY LETTERS DEPARTMENT MAGAZINE Random Samplings Of Reader Mall....0...ececesereeesesere® Peer: MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Deawn-Cut Dramas... ‘SUB-STANDARD DEPARTMENT — Voyage Te See What's On The Bottom (A MAD TV Satira}....13 ‘SUMMA CUM LAZY DEPARTMENT Collage Programs To Develop Masters Of Mediocrity........89 COLLEGE PROGRAMS THE PLOY'S THE THING DEPARTMENT TO DEVELOP Intimidations And Antidotes.......... 4 MEBIOCRITY VERSE OF THE PEOPLE DEPARTMENT Po. 38 AMAD Treasury OF Unknown Poetty.......ecsecececece es 20 VIDEO A GO GO DEPARTMENT When Toonanors Tako Qver TV Completely. .. "*Various Places Around The Magazine THE SINPIPER (MOVIE SATIRE Po. 43ARE YOU BUGGED BY THE LITTLE MONSTERS WHO PLUCK EVERY COPY OFF THE NEWSSTANDS? SUBSCRIBE TO ie (suncenian Toy IRAZSIDD ~.. AND CHANGE THE COMPLEXION OF THINGS BY HAVING EACH ISSUE MAILED TO YOUR HOME! eel ‘use coupan ar duplicate -=———=== ===. 80 Third Avenue, Now York, N.Y. 10022 | angle $2.00 Peso enter mp mame an your sob 1 Sips as ad al ee eat aes AD Cercle $5.80.°° Pease enter myname nour sab teplon fat andctle the nest 2 sors 0 AD NAME ADDRESS cry, STATE sone wn omy aera, NOW YOU CAN BUILD ALFRED E. NEUMAN MAD'S “What Me Worry” Kid WITH AURORA’S CRAZY NEW For years, we've botn geting cstin ypes of Iter. Infos, we've up Yo Bove wit cttain types of lets, Meinty=cute, ever, “orginal” leters thot ssbady ever though of belae, td thot we'd ennai never peit inthis Leer Pope. Be js this ance, so you consular wil them Phe wuy we've suffered wd He lo present vr wxcapls roth thousands of. LETTERS WE COULD SURE DO WITHOUT al Wee Be'E, sek} (EAE ES This ts tHe Tet jou Heat Le VITA Lerten Mave weuvien. IF yu Doni PRINT THis Ge, rs NEVER GOING Te BUY “FOUR, WHAT-ME WORRY? tM eee AND YOU CAN “CUSTOMIZE”EDITOR'S NOTE Please don't be seared off by these We welcome all ffelogeat conments, bt criciom and pestely humorous laters! Please address oll correspondence MAD, Dept. 101, 850 Third Aven ‘iow Yerk, Naw York 10022 senate of HRERSHIP, MAKAEUENT 1401 Tae See be, TWENTY-THREE SKIDDOO! «Mainly because now there are TWENTY-FOUR MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS! On Sale At Your Favorite Book Stand —Or Yours By Mail For S0¢ Each _~~~~ use coupon or dupticate——. MAD 950 Third Avenue, New York, N. ¥. 10022 FLEASE SEND ME: The MAD Roador ) MAD Strikes Back C)inside MAD (Utterly MAD. 5) The Brothers MAD ‘The Bedside MAD- of MAD. ‘Organization MAD MAD Ides of MAD ighting MAD. he MAD Frontier IAD In Orbit ie Voodoo MAD. easy MAD Stuff Fee Ring MAD 16 Self-Made MAD ‘MAD Sampler 5A World, Wortd, ate, MAB DON MARTIN Sters Out DON MARTIN Bounces lack DON MARTIN Drops 13 stories 5 DAVE BERG Looks at The U.S.A TI MAD's All-New "SpyerssSpy"" ao S2seeeeaecte pooeosoongg0000! PEEEr 1 ENCLOSE 50+ FOR EAGH: NAME. ADDRESS at crv. = STATE zip-cope. st op Yen, wave uaed every concelrale dole Fa Peper yon te rund cher raion a 6 Mawes red, sultable framing oF if bupriea, wy 20¢ eu (3 {oe Goelaed were rennin ovt.af ens, G0, cen! Mall mene forma 632 Third Aven 3eei Fork, Ne, 1003‘Mat ows the ee "afuen Society” meno YOU EA god Take guest Nobody il aught Yours Go aoe hat Is ct what you tink mes? WANS I yo leam gothing ese trom this aie, YE hove just earned not to trust it) Move, hare is ae THE HOUSE seo the beauliful big hour. Trisa very expensive BA RODSE Wie err afford Lo be very prow, some eal eat is owner can nord 20) Bois pencetul and et ae pe nung suburbs ever say BO) pe wal sound in the Bote Trae pter-patter of Hite fet Ua the wee peng robbed by 2 small bars Lesson 3. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY "There is much juve: juvenile detinqueney inthe suburbs Sie toutie ia (ur yung dot do anything coontroctive= Te orplintoechoter 7 2 eablem preys on their minds. “They asco iteven heme High telor thee Ma ionge sareeLesson 2. THE LESSONS Children in the suburbs are kept very boxy. © “They are foros take many lesson Lessons of how todanoe, lessons on her to act anc peak Lessons on haw to play enue dosirments ‘What docs the suburban chile learn a hese lesson He earn that bes pleasing bis parca! Too bad be cao tke lessons Onhowtberehiat FUN AND GAMES Ineach suburban community, ( “There is one indispensible man. Igitthe Mayer? No! The Clergyman? No! Itiethe Caterer. ‘Without the Caterer, there would be na parties, ‘Then husbands and wives ‘Would have ta alk: toeach other ‘They would really get to kaw esc other. So you see, the-Caterer holds the family togetber! ‘There are always partis inthe suburts, ‘There are teenage parties, ‘And thereare grownup patties fi] ‘Toereis wild dancing and wild Kissing ‘Ad plenty of liquor and plenty of drunks, ‘Ard the grownup parties are even more fon! ‘The erawaups play games, “These games exe fots of tug. ‘These fames also cause lots of divorces!Lesson 5. DIVORCES “There isa Jot of confusion in the suburbs ‘Sometimes 1 child does nt know ‘Where his next father is coming fram. ‘That's because there are alot of divorces Ine subures, Ye wil take them to shows and ball eames, ‘He will Reeome thelr pl. And be won't same aroand Threatening to take it away when they are bad Mother and Father will play a game. ‘The game will be called “Lets See Who Cun Be Kinder To The Children” Divarers most bea good thing! makes peopl into such good parents! Lesson 7. ‘Some people have this problem salved. i “Tioy feng young lel oer far Seen HOUSEHOLD HELP 5 Tsong ike avery clever Thovalt upby a veryseverbusband. See the woman hidiag in the buses. She isa kidnapper She is tring to hisoop Her neighbor: maid | Avmaidsveryimporiat inthe suburbs. |} f She isthe child's second mathe. Ge The fst moter Isthe nie Same maids area problem, ‘Some raids stay en the telephone far hours, Grsleep all aflernsen, i drink ‘This keeps the womanaf the house 0 busy cbeching her ad Thal the seman bas.a0 ime To stay om the (slephans for hours, Or seep all afternoon, Or drink.Lesson 6. PARENTAL SUPERVISION In abe suburbs, some parents ‘Try to teach their children real values. (One youngster bas = newspaper ote. His mother beams with pride ‘As sbe drives hirs on bisrounds Taher Cade Someday, he wil have enough money ‘To put bimnseif theoogh Mediesl School ‘And become a Doctor ‘His mother will bears with pride ‘Asshe drives him on his round In her Codie. She deposits the money he makes in the bank LP, Last week, be misie S480. faa LF Sometimes she adds tot ‘To make the deposit a round number, Last week, she added $95.20, ‘She wants him te know what it feels ke Ta ara bis own money. Lesson 8. WHY THE SUBURBS? "Why do people move tothe suburbs?" you ask We doit for aur children” the parents answer, ‘That's why they buya big $50,000 house Because what assibly be happy infest ‘That's why they join an exclusive Couetry Club Which doesn't allow dogs orcbiliren ‘That's why they hire gardeners to fi the Lawn Sov locks prety ‘Too prety for children to play on! ‘That's why they build finished basements Sovthe children eat pla Blecause they might seratch the fancy bar (Or scuff the grownups” pool table! ent wonderful to bea child in the suaburbs? Think about al the poor ekildren inthe suns. ‘They live in such tere homes Thal they ean sit in the living roar Any time they want!VIDEO A GO GO DEPT. For many. rs, TY was geared to the 12-year-old mind. Lately, however, there's been a big change. Today, television is geared to the 13-year-old mind. In other words, it’s geared to the teenager. Frinstance, there are shows that are obviously directed at teenagers, like “Shindig" and “Hulla- When Teenag COOKING SHOWS ers Take WRITER! LARRY SIEGEL Hi, there gang! Ready for today's Special Dish? Okay-—here we 6o— First we take tee pounds of flour Then wa add hot tomatoes, chopped Next, we top it off with waigpedt Crean, & cherry and some anchovies, ‘Then wo heat and cool simultaneously and you've got 3 real Chocolate Marshmallow Pirza Sundae! Wot, kide—so much for that great Teenage Breakfast! Tomarrow, 'l shaw you Mow to make meatballs, pestachie ice cream, For my teenage sermon this ecening, Iveler tothe Book of Bank, tnd that very, very wise end very, very ald man, Elvis Presley— ‘who #8 now well past 90, Elvis Degat Rock "n Rall, and Rogk Foil begat The Twist, and The Twist begat The Monkey. ands came ta pas that Gol. Tom Parker said unto Elvis and the Chaldren of Memphis, “In 1966, we shall do what we did in 1965. Far in 1965, ‘ne made mins of oltre, So we must howd ihe morg of ‘great big fat Profit and continue to swing SPORTS SHOWS ‘Welcome once again to “The Wide World af Teenage ‘Sports. Thig ls Jim Mokay, speaking to you trom ‘The Mallu Drive-in Theatre, where the exciting "sldake-Out Derby" is new in progressHt oe — balloo" ... . and then there are those that are subtly directed at teenagers, like “Prime Evening Time”. However, there are still some areas of television that have not as yet been monopolized by the teenagers. But don't worry, gang, this won't last long. Because here's what we'll be seeing Over TV COMPLETELY REGULAR NEWS PROGRAMS ——— aan ~ the "NumberOne™ spat on today’s iow wot declared tobe | ———__ eFarty-Wars" chart is tat vieanethacioretsatie by Eat In Eaypt today, @ fomous tecnane brought ts you by Lon and Warren and The Supremes! Chet... butine ean fearn even mare from Samm ‘The Sham—Unquate! Davie ——_—_—_—_ ‘And then. {rom there, we're going to Chicago and Bil Fleraming for the From here, we're peing to switch you “Teenage Decathalon Championships", it which versatile teenagers wil 10 the East and Curt Gowdy lor "The ‘compete in a series of ten sports incluging Smoking, Drinking and other Kicks. lecercing stars "Sheldon ane The Feur acnee" ill Be OF hand to throw out the first Gool-Ball, And from there a aWell, i still raining like crazy here in the Mi West today the Missssipoi River ‘overtiowing its banks « SPECIAL NEWS BULLETINS ‘ie inecfupt tis program to Bring you 8 Sociol Teenage News Bul Today, Jerry an and ence again, Its Spring loodscime! So-come on down to enteriaining Woops | | Missaur. guys and gals. -. AND BRING YOUR | SURFBEOARDSIE Ie bie once again gs for “Younger Dr. Teenage surgeon" Teli me, Younger Dr, Malone—now i my teenage daughter? ‘She's going to be all right, Mrs. Keebler st removed growth from harem ‘One—two—COMB-AND-TEASED ‘Three—four—COME. AND-TEASE! Five—and—sie—Keap it up ‘Seven—tight—Very good! Now, tamerrow, wet do.a Hand and Wrist Haie-Combing Exercise ‘for GIALSIEAT THE ELEVATORSBeesceOt Guise Ce ee oe UE Cat Ne eV EUOE RCI OU Mac UMmt Car Lom eka nen Pers eomeen sel Ccamcg Weert tel Sato se Ta Meare Ms) MOM TEs Vovace OTT A eT aCe a us RT) Si aT aC a CDC a fi vei Sn‘Admiral, sit — Koen observation, down! hia 's [atabytt Trave | See orvourae eae str, Ho wondar you're ‘rome across the most | Naecoustwe. | Ms. Roe—dops! praise fn Admiral However ‘this type of unusvalease | ct teense |" Sory, Acme carerdn; [ Tuavs] a Lab Testdia deteet | wet, that's | poison before! Fvoever | sea for olevan [You mustfargiveme.| | oo" his | just | some polson inhis | only natural! | He couldn't months Tere’ | Adsctoctoeadot | | kiynae | Ns esses He'stian| | “havastey E become: | mine ean ing [oo eating inthe || ears anything Binieakel | sea Keays ohare | | Mies | suit ‘SeaPew's || onthis sub! inmy locher, and nen = ‘tess! ‘must have gotten ‘them mixed vp, No, pull dawn the ‘Admical, we're | And that’s not gaing tobe easy, Leak! That's window shades! | ‘And that’s not going to be easy, Leek! That! going to have | going to take-somenard thinking, But. .. the that while ‘at leaves Baron nae cnyene FERMEED cont wanttasae | | eopinpoiat the | rmacine con net. —Scramior eben, ‘outside the courseot | Hunt | any mysterious exact spat | Feedback Modulator, GREEN! —Ali Circuitry sb, avin action! | G20" | tnings or creates! || ymare Bernard | Systems, G0! SRM Conte), PULL! ~ Service ‘Why do you think met with | Window, UP (have an inside sesied [ete ean) sisastert aa. wisiat ‘And thera, Leak, we have tw ‘cups of coffee 20 we can think bette ‘Good iden, Leak! This Fall Sate Memory Tape Device Now hear thist This the Admisat told yeu ance, | fold you a thousand times, no one ta ply with the Fall-Safe Mernary Device! Didn't ve get inte enaugh trouble lace month when the President asked 4a hear a recording ofa nuelear sub in action, and we sant him 3 fourhaur varsion at "SPIEET VIOLETS"? Sir, how about the Fall Sate Memary Tape Device? Tats kent track of every command you've given since the Sea Pe was put into commission. Femust have a record of the course You set when Bernardlelt the escape hatch! system ever instalieg ‘on any U.S. NavyGY] Aatnical if we ‘are going to find someting ‘ut there, | The enemy, Admiral Lisutenant, if we're Clase Let's look foe the not back here by Ten | t have | 1 have J enOHehl Hundred precisely, | ores | Let send outa team ta | 5 — |] sistestnego | tostte're ution | iscktorus. new, |} autsndiaok | Cone ece testnae "tana fg | lee Thare’s you— curSCUBApesr ff) our watches. Ihave Fa | ancterte rat Sao 900. veneer ‘The entire Sea Pew, Em afraid Seon | Everay | tapped by a giant fone anptiing | yeumbsss || delyien—acd we're || to scream so hora | ten Novte in | 300 ries from tare || HEL MELPL ineay lite! | “regi enanges my | Listen, fora guy Pull yourself togetner, ee eee, coi rsrarecay | bien tore go ‘the situation, We're 500 | ssa raure A cof that ii boats ina bathtub, peter Men re es ee ees era a piles pedovas mone ran re sharkinfestad winters, And hardly any ship passe this area, So—nith situation clearly def NOW WE SCREAM. HELP! HELP? emergency nent!win | Sremwerners | [Ri cea wa [a “Siege | oie) | Maa | Svc ‘hs [Sanna ate a vise [dae secone borers |e reane rg beckett ger’ That's omazine! ai ewe ‘yy chest and knot them tonether for Unfortunately, he'd bboen dead since tha fitth-dayt tral you, Weve get ruses Souneen || But how in swallowed up| Purple, | gette || the world ant’ | SeaPem || coos ono Nommmmi| deed || so about dente catching = TOnAPE 1000 foot Seaisn Now, lunwind some of the wita that holds my upper Use [tte attach the sail to the mast! | may slobber ‘abit, Leak—but have you ‘evarscen anything that save you more confidence? Admiral Knuekteheze—| | Wet, Leakt Here radicgram er—Neiisan ang we are on the Hracinaces justeome CommanderLesk have | | «sgn er sea Pow’ en haw came intron acommand | ‘been ordered home to sanditmy Veewater T secouse you're Subtom Ht cquarters | ciekupueirnew sub, | | calculations sre cutottnat “ooking atthe “Son of Sea Few correc, wae Crew's rant tuack in the area whore we lost our TE] loading washine- machine! rTBe aie: Onn yell, you ‘You're wrang, Yes, my bay, you sirtre're | No, Leak! ttean wait. As master understand, sir.) Leak—t've were wise in caring inthe area Til try nat to of the lost outgrown playing with ‘oy boatst eas just een Lah 2 distur you until ‘your feelings toward the young lady, and Vithelp in any wary |) wxhere all the hnobs and things ‘8re—| moan, let's go aftta LN ‘There itis! And ‘there’ sony one way to get rid of ‘that Jellyfisht 1 ‘tor ram that Jellyfish! the bedspread Tivait fll per Tq Yes, ne enced up wit Higy, you guyst want hundreds of hamsters TWO HAMSTERS. Inevery tresdmill cage! We need all he Yes, Sint only hope the smachiaery can stand You know what happened ‘the last time we put ‘wo hamstars im avary 2, Chie! = a oe i oo So8e ae SeeCallsion Stations! ision Stations! |] Aelmiral, how come you aiming rignt for | always assume the ‘correct eaursa without ‘consulting any charts course 279% | Goodt i anyone needs rhe, Fil be right her «inthe Captain's ‘Closat! Yau ean eal! ‘a whan i's over! ‘You ean comeaut ow, Aamirall We mado a direet hit, | weut, Leak—now does SEE] No, Loakttt foots so itfeel to be-back good to be back, I'l abenrd the Sea Peat ee Pentanalce myarlieemcy me Pisebaeae tirmetgranetara we! | exeatrt Flosd now tanks. Flood stern tanks, | UESk! | ci dur atleoanon Hon | atte ’ | antes a Someta | anattt | tded “Secure Jpsemagy Ai Hatches" feJOKE-AND-DAGGER DEPT. PART | ome EEE e002 co om ectWERSE OF THE PEOPLE DEPT. Once again, MAD opens Its pages te struggling young posts whese werk shows morit, but who might ferever romain in obscurity wore It not for dodicated Hleations like this eno thetll print any kind of trash, rogardiass of the cansequences. Thus, without capping ‘any further pless, we present the THE MAD TREASURY OF UNKNOWN POETRY Volume Iv ARTIST: JACH RICKARD: WRITER: TOM KOCH The Rush Hour Drive Of Enoch Pry ‘Liste, may children, while Fdecey “Tae nish hour drive of Each Pr (Os the eighccadh of Apel at hallpastve: Healy's mon rerisa lve ‘Who picks suet tne to reach Tenally He called up bis wie fray the Rear of te, ‘And, "Pmbucking the rash hoot am Tiusthope ainner's not all earned down ‘While on the enpente sha Pan ici ane tae Hea beets ee Be chow bie Nera suea boa ieats Gn Rane Peratstie senate aepsewt ec testuane tonearm nei iotoweady, "Key deal a Rea cae eae ay, ‘Brough Mewar pmci Bans ot cig Zien When I Was Feen-And-Seven Ihy ALE. Howsebort When T wasternandaaves, heard valeur sx, “Giveme sour dames om dolls ‘Andi Tle this ash away Give me your watch and bey chain, ‘Then climb behind the wheel” ‘Wellbeing wecoandarven,, Tjuleklycloed the deat When ll but teem and-seven, Thhcard his sy apn, trade that wreck fo ah Ese, ‘Gain sites anoes mea, ‘Gc me your Noah and By, ee gears af drtvieg fu,” ‘Well sll eensandseren ‘ute Eee cemred to rum, My Son, The Fugitive by Mrs. David Janssen, Senior yout a runner, Dave Jansien,my ton? leof a track meet sy handsome voung an?" moa track tas. jut on the lc, Burm weary wi unaing. ad fin Wald ie doen” ‘You're desing from jute, Dave Sansa, sy $00 “Tis the fz hat pursues thee 229 handsome Foun mas?” “Iv ust par a he story; hum rap besides, ‘Bit fies Weary wf running, and fin wal ie down." “Atl croats plead not guilty, Dave Jansion, mysea. Sam rhowing the shel my handsome young ma, “Dre that phot o¢ 1 Flue yous you" wreck ray c ‘You'll just never cst Show Wiz soo snd he down"|] Are the aces" ret your pets, Wilt The Suit by Barnyard Klipping ‘Youcan aagh an‘'ave your ics ‘When you pay the New York Kricks, [Fora fee throw mised conght can never “ut you. Tt wea comes tossurhtet Near the Delaware's bs water, ‘Then hat sme upoa your faze aoe desert you. “Though the say the Dostos Cet ‘Ant no mothersson alive eum esard BIRise 2: ele ‘Aa’ Wit Chamberiain who'l kl you least you ste. Be error, Wil The Sti, ‘For thereusearcea urdwood it ‘Where's dea" pel your‘ide by @ankle" deny Tvs lacked Pett nts bet, bowed Naulls ant Jerry Wet: Det you don't sep seven footers wi “Hay, Shorty! “when the referees are sack Pveclinbed‘alfway up WA's hack, ‘And thats quiten Bloor cls the way that ‘e's wall. ‘Though mm fouling's never ceased, jist feard re bees relewed ‘cate “es 8 taller tan than om, WH The St. 3 ‘Frosty Reflections On A Winter's Evening |} bby Hobert "Frosty" Flakenne Se Whoet Bulck's tis? aw aheuld we know? ‘The kersare there Tapia. Let's. We hear te village sore below, A! 5 “Theyre closing in sa eave us tow, WI “The roa eciear; the Hour ie be ee ‘Sospead right past that rurapke gare iil ‘They may dot down the beense pate, ue what care we? T's not-aur erate “This heaps uct pickup. Manalvet Teerafec at nine five, ‘Got tinted glass and power drive: Electrica trays, all that fre “he sets roca sot ad dese, Bot weve a sg cote to eer ‘Toshbetbe comnts we leek Touubettesoprtetore wee. | J Little Bay's Glue hy U, Gene Cornfield ‘he wheel onthe Bie oy ear Though lve bless om both say band, tered When Wis em, ‘And if got broken then, allfeteo wats sh of ocr Hite boy's glue Teo flerightup again, ‘Bat soon the toy makers bod a thought: "Twas io make sang ren weeD ya were szerbleg before they ere bout Production cest would be cheap! Sotoding eco their ran die bed, "They had thst ‘So the parts woulan' ft at al [Now our Bie boy egibe ite help tome ‘As sseainlethe stl, )The Cremation Of Irving Baum... bby Seeret ‘W, Service : ‘There are strange things donoin the nooaday suf By thous al smeared tho. ‘To Miazal Beach, kia pate as each, ‘They come trom Northen sal ‘The mid-day sum segs goer things dane ‘Tosome fram fad el Leviuown, where the weather mcs andeack fr Beach, ad Ire some thet fa ‘Ande Souchacd few For what fens inering ef his ie, ‘Atha hoc sun shan be wed Coppe'tone teproduce 1 palsen hae Theat plus is his bth wrens; ems be moat ng be For Bea ihn Bod ft cr nk, nthe ut never Lying in sepote, deadly ser eee, and eremate Irving Hate,Hey, wait! Stop hare for ‘a minute! just remembered Thoed a containar at rilk! ‘Thay give balloons! vy |_| [Never mind! The styling (Go ahead, buyer! lsbesutiful ane rey || Throw your money ‘it you pectectiyt : wrong buying them! ‘Weal a S, i ti Ws iy wife's birthoay, and Ft [ik to get hora Yes, sit | [No batshe's < Theg your pardon, Wr. Kine, ‘Yooh, | quess 20 nee] now] | ult ike eet | I ‘ut knoe your Wife, and but lean dream, can't? her nee] = @: ‘she's built more tie that Indy1portal Everything ri not moving is going it © place, || g sn ent UP ane UPr a running you can te n a ithe | | Keast ene thing today V 2 ft 8 oy Weil, im doing my job in this family unit, too! Vmibeing a KiDt7 Feil a DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I ac!) One Day In The Pastureeee eel Some th Fr Sonne Sine age ia a » swe presented our version of « publication dealing with ‘Organized c rated.” Ever since then, we" grant caval tune to Law Enforcement. Actually, all this onl has een coming trom O oe rime! Well, by George, we know what's good for us, so here we go with MAD's Genie at BADGE & BILLY The Magazine For Law Enforcement Officers Pye ALS batched WE USE POLICE DOGS ‘70 QUARD OUR STORE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THEY STEAL! op RH Macy 1 DON'T KNOW WHY "YOU CALL ME A ‘TRIGGER-HAPPY COP! iy Pl Hank Godoy Te tid tate 88 L WATCHED THE N.Y. METS PLAY A DOUBI MEADER— AND DIDN'T ‘THROW UP ONCE! ae A. Frog store Onnee ume The Tables Oo FrieLeauing Plcemea: EVERY TIME PASS: THE 17th PRECINCT, 1 SQUEEZE A FEW COPS AND BITE ONEt | JOINED THE POLICE FORCE AND T CLOSER TO con! ‘ATYPICAL NEIGHBORHOOD DEMONSTAATION AGAINST POLICE BRUTALITY perm 0 ss Special THE BADGE & BILLY FORUM eT a Tc ela Hae ercteeninett a EP cea Jom Yikes "ioe Empire Ste ing Tense Part | REFUSED To BUY TICKET TO THE POLICEMEN'S BALL v= AND LIVED! jST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: LARRY SIEGELBORED WITH YOUR PRESENT ASSIGNMENT? Become A TUNNEL COP And Step Up To Excitement! (rte the, xt dant approach this wanderfe carver angrepared. Stay fu at our sthool You'l Tear such important arts 3 We have special clases for southpan RAMP WALKING Ack about ovr edsanced contees backward walking for show, ThE counting Learn the faschaatoy.aet of counting gnnel ties to th i Find out how you can practice cauating ties ry own Kitchen or Batbroars ONVERSATION talk youre tat howto break he (ee wh ft ease vith your campany, Ditegver haw ta seid listening when 30a Bnd that you are sted inks yore avin ‘WRITE FOR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! The Tunnelhanty Institute on 434 Undereslertown, Hew Yo IT'S OUT NOW! THE LATEST LP OF THOSE SWINGIN’ COPS The Four Fuzz WALKIN’ THE BIG BEAT SINGING SUCH GREAT TUNES Ay “Yaitee Genteain’ Aa I Clade Ven viwre The Con" "Om Bow Grit I Te Might boat Froogia” "Mra. Beown, You've Galen te 6! Wats" “Summons Fim, aed The Livin’ te aay” ‘police Dan! Talk About hfe When l'm Gone” AND MANY OTHER FAVORITES. Ask Captain O'Malley ech month, Captain O'Malfey of the 98th Precinct ansavers gucstions subruitted by Law Ra- forcement irr. Th you he ory ustion, Eitalley bn tare of ts may ar every long Teter you serife, you cout Dear Captain O'Malley! Here in the 98th Precinct, we have onlers to issue tickets to all ilegally parked cars, regurdless of wham they belong ta $0 fat, L have tagged Cadi lacs belonging to the Mayor and the Governor, and a Lincoln belonging to President Johmon. This made my Ser. geant very happy. But last week, 1 lagged & beatup green Oldsmobile, and Twas suspended. indehnitely. Hew come? Fx-Pil, D. Grebhs ow York City Idiot! That was my ear! Captain Oatley: at ever happened to Herman Trent, the fametis citizen who-over a period of twa menths—witnessed six mouggings, four robberies and seven but never reported one of ese incidents to the Potice? Pu, H; Ferkle Dewoit, Mich. He has been ming since October 610 On that day, he was mpposed to marry rich and beautiful heiress, Diane Grey- moor, but he solked! out in the middle of theceremony, becatse he didn't want ta get invotoed. Dear Captain O'Malley: Please exruse my penmanship, but as this, a hoodlum isshooting fatme, [believe I ean pick him eff with my revolver, but here is my problera, sm $73 a week, this week, my family’s living ex Nay since the Department charges me 6¢ for every bullet 1 fre, if T shoot one shot at this hoodlum, TU go 2¢ over my weekly living budget. What should T do? Pal, Fred Wiggings Redwood City, Ohio A new Police Ordinance hax jurt beer essed in your city which may helps Fire one shot and then return what's eft of the wied cartridge to your Ser. weant. He witl give pau 2¢ for your “Empty Depositshell™ wud yourtt break even for the week, Dear Captain O'Malley If a crook is escaping from the scene of a crime high overhead in a helicopter, what is the proper way to erder hin ta stop! Sgt. Mike Qu (Cicero, Tinos Simple. You fire w warning shot at nia a erowl bee fling out oe 07 4h id Like atmiered. send them to Cupiain Fase mate your quesions Brief, Remiember, porting ticket Dear Captain O'Malley Tam a member of your own precinct, and as you know, you lave given each Patrolman orders te isine a quota of tickets per day. Last Wednesday. [just managed to give out my last required ticket at 11:85 PAL, and now T Bear that the guy is going to plead “Not Gauls doling this led going, ‘One-Way Teanght h ng way down a Pal Amos Noonan New York He may bea Witle uputet hecaute he was walking al the trae ‘Dear Captain O'Malley: Tanta big movie fan, and I have been dying to do something exciting an my dll beat like the things I see in the movies. Last week, 1 Brally got the chance. T spotted Untee ink rabers Arising away from the scene of a crime, So I flanged clown a cat, hopped an the running board, and said, “Follow that cart” Now Wa itv the hospital, What happened? Pu. Daniel Kracger San Francis, Cali You've obviously. be 1 watching a fot of old movies on TY 95, cass ton’ have runing boards! Dear Captain O°Rtalley Tam a former Mounted Policeman cho was fired {rom the force just be- Cause T rode sidesaddle, What wns 2 terrible about that? Es-Pal, M. Gubtik Chicago, Minois J am informed by your Precinct that they didn't raind the sitesertde riding so much, What they did object to woe the faet thas yow alzo played the guitar, song songs, Med your hore, and rode the "Sehweppes Man” My Precinct has just asdgried me ta act asa decoy for muggers, and I have to dress Wear wsimple dress and high heels, wwe oye makeup liberally Bur enrefully, use Jace poseder init 0 dipstick, carry 0 Iransistor radio next to your ear, ad sake sure you wear rollers iv on ha snd beard.BADGE & BILLY'S ‘Featuring ‘THIS MONTH: ‘The Latest in Fashions and Fashion Page “== @) Genuine plastic, all-weather shock-proof crash Belmet, stretch fits petfectly over all heads with Small to Extra Sivall brain. sizex — by Powerdrunk Creations, $6.5 ea. (2) Bold imported sun goggles with fone dark lens far Black and fone light lens for seing WV by Segregation Sun Ghistes, §15.00 £2) Neewernied ateurevern ayn washan; automatically by ms “Sweat” —from Ego attire Ca, $39.05 (8). Genuine, allflesh, overhanging boolly with bile mi by Schl (3) Impomed Argentineleather Jack Boows—from A. Hier & Sons, $19.95, (6) Oficial Colt AS Service Pistol = fram a Mail Order ad, about $1.98 (2) Tear Gas Gannister=by Smith (Lethal Praducta Johnson 12.50 (8) Imported Boberman Pinscher with solid ivory fangs, and a prefe for datk meat=by Destroyer, out of Ripper, aut of Killer, ont of Spot (a rotten pacifist ancestor), $173 (9) 1985model stcel Schoolchildten’s Cattle Prod=by Gonse Bay Co. $150 WOE Cachide Prisoner CatO" NineTaile with separate, bue equal tailby De Sade Products, Led, $12 (11)200-Proof Moonshine Bourlson—by Hirao Wilkin's Hlegal Still, Ize qt. (1%) Oafy Comics, far the prabing 6. yearold mind, with large type geared for those who move theit lips while they read—by Maronic Pub, Co, 102 (23) AILPima Cotton Evening Wear far nigh uty Cannon Sheets, Inc, $3.95 sneses ty sont ig Star of Sting Up Some fering Sun Piper, Clas fleacon Marche, ong Lachings ene Taine Heintuslars 601%20 The town is sell buze fon the 18th story le When Pul, Ed Welles ei a citizen, James 2b, ig alsaut that incident that took place of the Farnsworth Hulldling hast week, nled-omt-on the led nd stop “what's dhe goad of living if you're employee, and nobody respects. you! Weller jumped together! Well miss you, Ed. many stories series of babies nf Patiolmen parlors cei tbe newspapers uhose days i's areal to report what happencd om Sycamore Serett lave night, Dr. Charles Davis, an Obsceriian, was walking al suddenly spotted an legally parked cat. seeing ho Police smn around Et there wasn't a moment 10 spare, Dz. Davis wrote vut Goud thinking, Doct! BAD NEWS DEPARTMENT: Mollie Gibbons, wife of Pil children. +. Sorry co Rear about Mel Frick, quard at Stave Prison, getting fived last woek. The Wardem was furious when he discovered. that pampered Mafiaso prisoner. Tom Verell ase ig Mel with Hats of to mia clever, quick-vitiod State Trooper stationed outside Speed Trap, Geota, who stopped a Northern Mover ist for doing 75 last week, Whew the motorist snidely boasted ic could prove he was only 0 bps SSpeed Checked by Rat Trooper ral. ~The right: im Hit eked Fou We enderuand tatt busines fs booming dwn ahr to retire soon and buy the Pens ek, fella! Cangier thus “Shem Fomsah bolne boslet up in broad Seeteieni yaa reneee tgs betas um breed a ip from fellow gang mambers, “it naver {als," eid Shomp ax they carted him off inthe patrol wager. omen you realy need one, there's never a eraok aroutel Goings On Along The Beats WHAT'S NEW AMONG GUYS AND GALS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT BIZ By Sgt. Sherman Shamus ‘You have to: hand it to those resourceful cops at the 73rd Precinct. When they couldn't gat a confession out of BUESY McCoy atter grilling him under the third degree lights for ‘siz hours, they charged him $25.00 for a suntan treatment Captain Erne Rupp raided a wild Fax Side Bachelor Party lag week, and confisated 7 reels of diety mavics that were Being shown there. This tireless publig servant deserves 8 word of praise Tor staging hie oneman hatte against por ography. Captain Rupp i now studying those wile, Glehy films for court action. All Police Olhecrs interested in study: ig those vile, fldy Gms with Capiain Rupp ean attend dally showings ac his house at Gal PAC, #00 FAM, and AO P.M, There will be a small admission charge STREET SCENE: Twelve tough ids playing “Cops and Robhen™ hn We Six hier playin ie Cops, and the other six play od Guys Nat Yours and his lovely wile, Doris, were pleased! ax punch when their Imontholdson, Bruce, said his very fret ward the other day. Little Brovie waddied into Bookie stuck out his hand, and coacd, "Payala!". . Orfcers al Mth Prucinet are concerned aver the growing leniency of the s toward young punks. Last week, 17. year-old “Go-Go” mitted Grand Larceny, Kis Murder as let off with a suspended because LETTER TO PTL, RICKY HERMAN: Irs ¢ Oficers to help themselves to free merchan- 1 Fruit Stands, bat iat the future wateh pourscll at Jeweley Storest You're ruining H for the rest of a! «-. WE jest heard from Central Park IL Phil Burns. He walls us so dangerous after dark now that on Thursday Police Dog was mugged by a Squirrel. We cer to learn that Pu. Burne had even re- sorted (0 walking his park beat with a Folice Dog, tut Phil Informed us that his Police Lion was sick that night. But don't get me wrong: 1 lave Law Enfarcement!The Correct Thing Every isue, BADGE & BILLY presents a series of Proper Behavior Tips for Law Enforcement Oftcers. This month, we present tips for Officers im Pa tral Gari. If you are ax Officer in a Patrol Car, yeu will tearm a valw able lesson from reading. these lips, especially if you are the OBicer im tiie Patrol Car who is driving at the tire. Valuable lesson Belg, if you read and drive at the same lite, you tay smash tala @ pedestrian oF ae cult i really bad is you may strain your eyesight ‘Always stop for coffee breaks at unexpected placrs lske in cunnels oF on bridges Preferably on Sunday afternoons. 1 your coffee should happen to get cold, you can alwavs gel out of your Patrol Car and politely ask any of the motorists jhni- med up bebind you if You can fe-Warm it on the overheated radiator of his car Only blast your siren at night, In thit way, you are being courieous to night work fers who sleep during the day, ‘Try 1@ sound your siren between the hours of 2 A.M. Sed'S A.M. but caly on important jobs=Like going out to apprehend holders of Overdue Hbrary books, SPECIAL NOTE: The building hete was 4 Convalescent Heme Uptil the earth-shattering blast shown in picture. Now It is a Home for the Deaf Always keep your roof Blinker light an, even when you're not chasing anyone and fst cruising simlesly. This is a wonderful method for frightening. motorists. in Front of yu, You'd be amazed at how many innocent motorists will immediately feel guilty. Some will foolishly speed up ta get aul of your way, in which case you can ay right behind them until they excted the speed limit and then pull theen ever and five therm tickets. Or clse, just the sight of your blinker will be enough. And remember this: a gatrol ear which is functioning properly should be ble to cause twelve bear attneks or deliver welve tickets per gallon of 3 BADGE & BILLY Classified Ads ost AND FOUND LOST, in the vicinity of Broadway, a small ‘while Bookie, answers tw the aime of Homic, has tiny mole on left cheek and Large yellow sireak down back. Broken hearted. Police Lieutenant desperately sous him back No sentimental aioe bu as been paying me off 10 the tune of $iot's Nea Meares bor tas Bab RIDES 10 SHARE FaigHTaieD POUCEMAN, evectly osined O'R Subway raja to protet pason tres irom assiat, looking for companion {o share rigs. and protect hum. Must be feraeone who knows his way around Sube ‘ays and fs afraid of maiag. Peter & ered smupber ox P48, Ba PERSONALS ‘29-ThAR-O1p coPthank you~ansiows (0 ‘respectable young lady thsnk you~ With object of matrimony dbank you. Ach tall, aod looking, with no faulie—thank {youexcept for slight speech defect thank you—which eame about becuase of my Yenrs on a ridge Toll Cellesior—thaak You-but most people harlly notice it~ tani your lls [51,8 LOOKING FOR periect speed lace? | Kaow a fieat Recs 9, bac, NH Wil ing plage of equal value, visit Route #1, West Orange, NJe where being warslerred. Bon 154, 6 &B. wisity ot CLUBS AND ORGANIZATIONS Communes Pavey Cath deoperssly ned Communist, Willing io, i eer; dues hazing. etc, for Het Energon, will consider, Pinko, THO howee Republicun, Box 136, Beeb HOME EDUCATION NOSING YOUR IMAGE 36 4 lovible eop? Maybe your frih ascent is going bad. This ould happen to any cop, especially, 3 ‘ewish oae, Why: not imprave your Irish accent at hoene, while you seep, with this ‘Smuzing educational in Snel Plug i enta Your ears beiare retsing, and Helen the sound act of Ie ary cald movies. FREE with each course, apes make-up kits convert tired, sad yes inte Gunkling, smiling Irish ones. EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER to the fist piicanns: & pamphlet which tells you exactly how things ure in Cloces Mord Box s90)DaB. BUSINESS INVESTMENTS FORMER HERO-COP, who single-handedly captured kidnap ging, would like to go Ui ineresing’ eines cblerpie. abe lable for investavent plsposes’ about ‘$200,000 in “small, unmasked bills Bax 173, B& B.LAME-BRAIN GAMES DEPT. RAS FIND THE MISTAKES © £85 Yay fuses, os scene WERE ARE THE TEN MISTAKES IN THIS: SCENE: ‘STILL AT HOME. S-TICKET SELLER GAVE LADY A TICKET TO TORONTO. LADY RUSHING TO EMBRACE HER HLASEAND 15 SHOUTING, Bid Adee FoR Guo 7 mam! VRGRDEREUL TO HAVE: JOLLHORE AGAIN RING CARL IME!” STRAW ON TRACK 2 SHOULD HAVE CONE IN ON OMY TReUBLE 2, ss LAME te Paul” TRASK i7, LONER LEVEL. 1. MA ON BENCH FS HALE “Way THROUGH A FRENCH NOVEL. #- MAAN IN CHECKED CORT I= KISSING WIFE GF MAN IN HE DOES NOT KNOW A SINGLE WORD OF FRENCH. STRIPED CORT *acoave *-— LINAWARE THAT HER 8. FAMILY ON BENCH IS LOOKING FORWARD TO MAPPY, TUSeAIO na ARLLED UNexPee rents Cn Teck 2. EMMPERER CACaTIoNTucy CAN FoROET IT, THE KIP MAS 4 ENTECLIGENT “i, HliRfeving: TO CATCH TRAN On SagoN Te TRAIN TleKeTe. TACK 4. ING ACCIDENTALLY PICKED UP Cory OF | q.QROUP OF CAST KHURDIAN TOURISTS THINK THIS IS Map” INSTEAD OF "THE SATURDAY REVIEW OF LITERATURE’, KENNEDY AIRPORT, AND ARE GOING TD MISS THEIR PLANE. 5. BEARDED RANTS A FLEERG ENBEZOLER WD HAs SNE AEXT ONE POESNT Leave FOR THREE MONTHS. RABGED THE WRENG SUITCASE, THIS ONE CONTAINS ONLY 10. BIGSEST MISTAKE OF ALL, MAINLY THAT YOU TRIED BLANKETS ANC MOTHEALLS, THE CRE WITH THE MONEY 5 7 SPOT THE OTHER NINE . ANSE URNS TORS TWO CF THE SIX PEOPLE PICTURED HERE ARE TWINS, EAN YEH PICK THEN OUT & MERELY FILL IN THE FINAL, RMYMING WORD To THIS POEM:TRIAL MAD tle ARTIST A WRITER; AL JAFFE TV ALL AY. CAN YOU CUT OUT THESE PIECES AND PUT THEM TOGETHER TO FORM APERFECT SQUARE 2 [MONS By BOYNDS 19393 ISOW Bhi Lhoey S13H! "NECN AEITIV JO “LINGUS ¥ SAH OTHONS TK "S32 51d SHA OFTEWSSSY AILISYBOD SAKH TK JE DETECTIVE GAVE 7c Bank HAs BEEN ROBBED OF $500,000 AND THE CROOK [is ESCAPED INTE NGCUS. GA XGU HELP THe CETECTIES FISK UP HS TRAle AND GET. THE MONEY BACK > “ar ANSWER: (CSLEES NOUCIHOD SHL TTY NH SOM Ht Wr ENCIEITS Sil OM WING SCC Ohi Teed ATBDIANY Boy ROK" Silk HL We SL EMOTION TEKH) Shi TWaW dSvld HL Sem Og GOS BML ONY CCAS Sh, MO¥OL LHOIS SHINO 2a¥ Nox’ vse sd GaMOTION DX 3 (350 NI NSLS OWH Bw 3a Here ne concen won ts cuatevcns | puzzies SYareoies FEATURE ESPECIALLY DESIGNED FOR THE FEADER~— THAT BRULIaNT AND TELLIGENT, 6UT BASICALLY LAZY SLOB~— WHOLL FIND THESE PUZZLES ABOUT AS EASY AS LOUNGING ARGUND WATCHING | OTHER TIME WASTERS EBRAIN=TWISTERS REBUSES "ic POSERS }-icressworps INANITIES EN ANE WHAT fs IT 2 ris conenina vou se1.00n ser Woo REG CVE, EUT ITS Acc ARCUND TUS THe Gane, UENO Irn SEL|ee Sues AND IT IS ALSO WN RESTALICANTS AND “Te EVEN ON eueNiTuee, ache AND FOOD. IT IS ON EKERYTHING "OBONa, 309 Nil) LON SUN ON ‘1538005 Sea TER WRLAGHIDO SVC, SOSISWSNY MOK AT, TRAVEL TRICK Tes ea Na PTs ee ee ac td DTP alot tal ae [Esareruey cup canting ALE OL IO HE BLANG SPICE BELOW AND A SECRET MESSAGE WILL AASCALLY ABPEAR. REMEMBER, ONLY GENUINE WHALE OL WILL BRING OUT THE MESSAGE. TF YOU DON'T HAPPEN 70 HAVE ANY GENUINE: WHALE OIL ARCUND THE HOUSE, SEND $ 26,00 TO THis MAGAZINE, AND NELL SEE THAT YOU GET ALL THE WHALE OIL YOU NEED To PO THE TRICK, GOLLY | AREN'T YOU JUST DyiNs TO WOW WHAT THE MESSAGE SAVE 2, NAA AA AY ‘aresTHE PLOY’S THE THING DEPT. Tell the truth—aren't you enjoying this wonderful tty Now really be honest—at this point, aren't you ashamed and clever magazine? Of course you are! Most intelligent to admit you don't enjoy MAD!? That's because you've just people who have well-developed senses af humor enjoy MAD, been intimidated! Do you realize how many times a day you intimidations.. You can be intimidated by a Door-to-Door Salesman-—like this... Saat aon ain Mar acest be eee oa ea ere ee a see nee eee oe ae shes is cae ‘teil me! After all, what ‘ mea re Not for yourset!—but you do want to ‘give your child the Dest things in life ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: STAN MART. ‘Of caurzel Becsuse thera’s no "What will you tell your frends chalbenge for him ia the third atthe Mah Jongg game when he rade! He's already taking the ‘becomes a stevodore inctaad of 8 doctor? Will you say that he Intelnctually slugger onl ‘alled you-ar admit tat yout ‘and you have a future dropout! really failed bmi? Ws so sagt Only eight, and he's already on the serapheap— ‘an obsolete human bein!are intimidated into buying comething you don't want, or doing something you really don't care to do? Well, take heart, faithful MAD fans, if the Editor has any brains hn, you Brave woman—carrying ‘on so realy despite the humiliation you rust feelt ‘Not I, Ma'am—but the Encyclopedia = © canadien wil neo him. Naw nece's cur FB hagy Loyear monihiy installment plon 5: with Interact deducted in ackance at all, he'll buy this article which shows can fight back against that vast army of intimidators who are out there ready to devour you alive, Mainly, here are ...or—you can do THIS... ‘Good morning, Malar! My, what ip, lady, 1zwear Fmmot from. ] ‘Are you frem the Department Store No, actually im from Titbet yeu are fram the department store, It's just a sneaky disguise ‘59 you can take back the furniture ‘because | did’t keep Up Because of the payments Fe] ‘missed on the cari Or ist Took, Iadyi Ima salesman for tie Encyclopedia Canacica .. Thaw! You're a collector from the Appliance Stare! Look, just because I'm months averdue on the dey But, I'm really with the —- [[Don's tol me! The Ajax Finance Co. Really? Coma right ini just Tous t9 buy 2 big set of fancy encyciopediae! I'm a regular nut for knowledgel And I'm even more ‘of a nut for buying things! Do you have an cacy monthly payment [[renget i suse tet me ‘et out of herelSl ier ToL Mice Ce i Nae} Yay fee 4 match-making mother like this... ...oryou can do THIS... don't know ityou ever met my daughtae She's | don't know it you ever met my daughter! She's— lovely grit Look, ledyl A get's gle with met butt do Km sure she! straight "A"*student. | bright 328 whip! But she's a lovely girt—a straight "A" student— ‘Yes, well, 'm only a“C-plus” student myself Ie a date! ' plok her up tonight at 8:30! Don’t mance = wait up for her! She may not be heme until Monday! [But you'd never know sho was bright! Every fetlow {eels comfortable with hert What? ‘She must ba very popular! See, there's this party at my friend's piace! He fives gut of town=in this cabin in the woods! Tell her not to fuss—my pal's making the booze! Popular? | naver sae har! She's always out on dates! Of course, she has a free Saturday night Bored! But | isa pr ol secre ae het ve Setewtay ave at young people drinkiag— ‘Dont werry! We wan't toueh = dap until after ‘Yeah, well if weren't busy this Saturday— the drag race we're having down U.S. 101! ‘There's a Saturday in the next week, toomand the: Drag racol? But Iefor’t li too mueh driving — week after— But my folks ineist | get heme eariy! ‘Oh, wo won't be driving all the tinal We'll park by ‘the side of the road for a whlio-—to get acquaint ‘Such fine people! I'd be proud to have my daughter . sgoing-with a handsome bay from such gaod stock! ‘She's not that tyne of git! (Gh? What type is sno? But Sho's cultured, refined, well mannered and marslt knew it the minute I met you! You're not one of those that goes only ferloaks! You're sensible— Leave her to me! 'l break her of those bad habits! you know beauty Is only skin deept Er-treally don't— Young man—leave immediately or" call the pelice! Sine you can't stay out late on Saturday ight ‘Yeah! Call them! Id tke to find out how the git! youcan come: She'll expect you Thad outlast Saturday night is doing! eto om fat 12:30 in the afternoon! See you Saturday! You fiend!! Good-byel!eer MMM ice elm eels in a restaurant...like this or—you can do THIS... | wonder what | should tip the walter? [think 15% is right but he looks so impertant! in fact Re looks a lot mere important tant do! I give him toolitte, and he says something let But if | avertip, and he thanks me, I'l feel like foot! War ne wouldn't stand over ma white I'm figuriag the tip! [emakes rie eo nervous, I'm sure lil make. mistake! [Lets see_wns tie service Good? No, It was badl Than why) ‘should I leave as rauch for bad service 8s forced service? [Because Irn chicken’ that's why ‘So he's nol a goad Waller Iibathe’s gota wite and ids to support He's probably upset by troubles at horne! i's really not his "And why should he eutfer just fault ithe brought =~ for soiling coffee on mel the wrong main course Anyone ean make a mistakel 1aw what Ili da Pll eompromisel The check is $12.00 pay with a:$20 Balt [And lot hima keep the chan Erwauld you call aurwaiter, please? I'd Uke theeneckt But! AM your waitertl ‘Oh, reely! Ge, I didn’t recognize yout ‘But than, I haven't seen yau fer 20 long! ‘Why, [ve been here all the timet OI? Even wen | found that dity silverware? ‘And the soup that was spilled in my saucor? 1m sory about that But you'd tld mo— 1E1 could nave found you, | could have told you! Sirct've been a walter forover 20 years! ‘Well, | guess you need ablity to edvance yoursell! ‘Siri resent that! ‘You!'reentitled. | imagine you have a wite and children te support, eo thay lotyau stayan! Listen, 1dan't need charity from anyone! ‘Oh, no? Tatt mo-—=don't yau expect me ta leave ati? ‘That isthe customary practice, Sit For doing nothing? Oon’t you call that cnsrity? ‘Look, punk! don"t need your lousy money! Let's soe~! usually leave 208, butin tls caso— You know what yau can do with your tip, eraml ‘Come, dear! Yau can't talk to an Irational man!PART II JOKE-AND-DAGGER DEPT. meee memm TE]. ae | | So ee ont | 5SUMMA CUM LAZY DEPT. All around the country, college students are revolting (in more ways than usual) against what they ‘consider to be an assembly-line educational system that grinds out graduates without teaching them anything. Yet, despite these protests, it is obvious that Higher Education will continue to reflect i| ‘our nation’s adult society... that more and more, college students will be trained to appreciate i ‘the positive aspects of getting last in the shuffle and staying there . . . and that someday, we will be preparing our young people for an anonymous lifetime in a conforming apathetic world with .. . Megalopolis State University COLLEGE OF DISILLUSION ‘CATALOGUE OF COURSES FALL SEMESTER 1966 ARTIST: PAUL COKER JR. 22s) = WRITTEN BY: DONALO ©, SHANDLERee a ee: FRESHMAN COURSES 1004. INTRODUCTION TO APATHY 3 Credits MW-F Room 2931 Chuckit Halt Mr, D, Moralize ‘This survey course is geared to help the over-zealous freshman achieve the degree of apathy required on the college level. Lectures will concentrate on the futility af retaining such immature traits as ambition, ideals and a sense of school spirit. 1008. REMEDIAL INDIFFERENCE 2Credits Sat-Sun ‘Over Hall Mr. Whippintine to INTRODUCTION TO APATHY for difficult students who refuse to accept the status quo even after they have gained a fuller under- standing of it 101. BEGINNING DISILLUSION Credits M-T-Th Room 77 Nohohpat Hail Mr. C. Black Designed to imbue the incoming student with a feating of basic helpleasness in regard to the more pre problems confronting the warld he lives in, Diseussions ‘will cover such topics os the inevitability of the Rotten Society, the insignificance of the individual in world aaflairs and the adoption of a realistic attitude that every thing is bound to get a let worse before it gots better, if ever. Roo 857 102. UMBILICAL COORDINATION 3Credits — T-W.F Room 666) Navel Academy Mother Wile ‘This course will holp to provent the severing of the silver cord between fe rhother and hee pampered child. It en- ables the overly-dependent. freshman, away from home for the first time, to leam the advantages of continuing to lean on Mom throughout college, jolmplicement and marriage 104. PARENTAL PRESSURE OPPOSITION OCredits F-Sat-Sun Room 803 Sickovit Hall Mr. Offyurback ‘Students will learn to help their parents mature, by Acquiring an over-all knowledge of methods helpfl i decreasing family emphasis on academic success, choice of a career and general personality adjustment, Students will apply what they learn on weekends at home, 105. INTRODUCTORY NON-PARTICIPATION 3 Credits MW-Th Room 1181 Rejectit Hall Miss DoFunn ‘Especially designed to aasist the naive freshman in con queting his immature desire to became involved in nor- nal extra-curricular activities. Discuasiona will concen- trate on loss of prestige, useless oxpenditure of enerzy and the Inck of meaning: in later life inherent in non ‘compulsory campus affairs. (Note: This course not open ‘tg etudent ntanding the University on athlete acholar- ips 106. FUNDAMENTALS OF KILLING LEISURE TIME 3Credits T-ThF Students Lounge Dawnthe Hall Mr. Goldbrick Although specifically designed to assist the incoming student (who worked hard in high school preparing for ollexe accoptance) to adjust to goofing off now that ‘he's here, this course aleo lays the foundation for apa- thetic Jolling after graduation. tive leisure time activity: will be ‘emphasis on prolonged day drearaing SOPHOMORE COURSES 200. TECHNIQUES OF SCAPEGOATING 3Credits — MW-F Room 701 Duckett Hall Pastor Buck Tearing to blame teachers, parents, employers and so- ciety in general for personal shortcomings will be the student's objective in this course. Guest locturers from ‘the Department of Speech will assist with instruction in whinin, 201. CONTEMPORARY SELF-ACCEPTANCE _ SCredits T:W-Th Room 58 Acceptit Hall Mr. D. Lusion For the second year student who has mastored the funda- mentals of apathy, including the avoidance of respon sibility and constructive participation, but who still experiences twinges of anxiety as te where his emerging lack of identity may lead him, This course enables the individual to drift with renewed confidence by pointing up bow tho growth of automation makes him incress- ingly unnecessary; the disintegrating world situation makes his future increasingly improbable, and the popu: Jotion explosion makes his inability to produce increas ingly desirable.202. PRINCIPLES AND METHODS OF CHEATING. BCredits — M.ThF Reom 81 ribbing Halt Miss DeMeanor Areas covered to help students achieve better grades. without studying or learning are microfilming tech- Zhigues, trends in infrasred printing, skilfel plagiarison and beating around the bush on final exams in 2,000 words or mare, 2028. MEANINGLESS VOCABULARY-BUILDING 20redits THF Fayhit Hall Dr, Papers 1 to the student whose incompetence has developed to the point where he can't oven learn to cheat, This course énables such individuals ta prepare acceptable term and examination papers through the frequent in- sertion of impressive bat meaningless words and phrases. 204, PRACTICAL MATERIALISM SCredits ThE Room 101 Substitute Teachers ‘Naive college students will learn to replace love, faith, happiness and similar unprofitable emotions with ‘chromium worldly goods: large homes, high-powered sports cars, color television sets, yachts, jewelry, self defrosting refrigerators that make round ice cubes, etc. ‘Amesset Hall 205. HUMAN SELECTIVITY 3Credits M.W-Th Mr. Hoayune tien of rich, brainy, influential acquaintances who wi do the student the most good after graduation. 205B, MARRYING FOR MONEY 3 Credits M-W-F Room 242 Loveless Union Miss Allignea Open only to students who have exhibited sufficient ‘cuntiing to by-pass HUMAN SELECTIVITY. Instruc- tion. will concentrate.on the choosing of a single member fof the opposite sex to fulfill lifetime needs for wealth, job security, family position and a head start in career after graduation. 206, INTERMEDIATE DIS-ORIENTATION 2Credits MF Room 187 Forgetit Hall Miss A. Ply Now required of all sophomores, This course is designed to meet the needs of the second year student who, in= advertently, has seen a relationship between two or more facts he learned os a freshman and finds himself unable to be totally apathetic about it, JUNIOR COURSES 301. DEVELOPMENT OF AESTHETIC DEPRECIATION 3Credits | TThF DeBaysette Hall Miss Gyde ‘Students with Little or no aesthetic awareness will re- ‘ceive guidance in producing a comfortable environment: where their deficiencies can be maintained in Tater life. Instruction will include lectures in national park de- forestation, rural stream. pollution, proper placoment of hhighway billboards, suburban split-lovot home selection, trashy book and motion picture enjoyment, and ap- proved methodology in general littering, 302. PROGRESSIVE UNDERACHIEVEMENT 2Credits WF Room 219 Connem Hs! Miss Leed (Creating the impression that you are not peeforming up tocapacity, and mistakenly leading professors to believe that you are an intelligent and worldly individual i the basis of this course. Emphasis will be placed on obscure namo-dropping, thought-provoking question-aakine, felgnee! appreciation of professorial witticisms, and carrying books above your class and age level. Room 111 303. UNPROGRESSIVE OVERACHIEVEMENT 2Credits T-Th Roam 181 Impressum Hall Mr. Snow Tavaluable to the student who cecks a pas ‘without ever completing a homework a through unaseigned reading material to create the assumption that you are engrossed in the subject and are pursuing it beyond e- tablished requirements, Instruction also i baerasing professors throush the memo of foreign phrases with na particular meaning, frequent reference to nonexistent theorems, ond scoring 0 demic points by citing analogies that don't apply to the dliscussion topic.304. BASIC HYPOCRISY 3Cmdits TWTh Room 180 Mr. Lippeervie Justifyetie Hall ‘The advanced study of communicating on two levels fa ‘the core of this course. Students will learn that words ‘and actions do not have to be consistent, Guest lecturers: will include businessmen, politicians and educators who ‘will demonstrate how their superficial ideas have nat interfered with making a living. 305. ALL-PURPOSE OPINION FORMULATION 3Credits M-ThF Room 215, Patronizem Hall Mr. Brownoze ‘Through concentrated trai the development of a total lack of enlightened opinion, firm conviction and ethical principles as they relate to the pressing issucs Of our time, this course is designed to sive the way for rapid advancement in lator life by enalling the student to voice wholehearted agroement with all lunatic fringe views held by employers, wealthy prospective in-laws a individuals who have something the student SENIOR COURSES: 400. ADVANCED DISILLUSION 3 Credits Room 829 Falcet Hall A refresher course far tho senior about to enter the cald, hard world. In addition to eomaling the fourth year student for failing either to prepare himself for adult life or to drop out of school and get started an it. the course will help him develop the skills of galdbrieking, social parasitism, ingratiating conformity, financial credit manipulation and income tax evasion. TWh Dr. Know 401. CONTACT MAINTENANCE 3 Credits Potential Building A frank seminar discussion of the importance of re- Kindling and capitalizing on tenuous college relation ships in later life. Emphasis will be placed on the selec- tion of casual acquaintances most likely to eucceed in order to weed out and discard potentially meaningless ends before it’s too late, Attention also will be focused on the future fabricating of college reminiscences for MaW.F Miss Hughes the purpose of securing employment fram and/or selling you ndver actually met, IN EGOCENTRICITY SCredits T-ThF Room 112 Ego Building Praf. LeGate Business administration students will find this course particularly advantageous in bulldozing their way into profitable endeavors for which they are unqualified. ‘They will learn to averlock their inadequacies byt becom ing self-centered individuals with little resard for the bersan, dignity and property of others. Strong emphasis Will be placed on tho rude and the vulgar as a means of dominating those with less self-assurance. 404. PREPARATION FOR POST-GRADUATE APATHY, 3 Credits MW.F Room 390. Avoidit Hall Mr. E. Leod Offered for the firet time during the present academic ‘year, this eaurse. will aid tho gradunto in maintaining a olid foundation of self-centered disinterest when con- fronted with the pressure to parbeipate in suburban sivie endeavors. Students will be taught the basic pri ciples of begsing off, indofinite postponement, quarrel- some behavior at planning sessions, and neative argu- monts against Little League baseball, the preservation ‘of historical landmarks, the need for additional school ‘Tossing guards and expansion of facilities for anything. 405 FLAUNTING 2Credits WF Room 219 Regalem Hall Mr. Braga ‘Sturlents will be encouraged to utilize their college de- grees as symbols of superiority ovor more capable indi vidunls who have been exposed to fewer years of formal schooling. Techniques will be stressed for dropping ref- ferences tn collego days into conversations, for terminat- ing arguments with inferiors by mis-quoting former pro- fessors, and for utilizing your edueational background nis an offsetting factor to explain away goof on tha job, all out ofcontext, 406. INDEPENDENT STUDY 3 Credits = MW.F Room 300 Jon Hall Miss Montez Inserted into the curriculum for the benefit of seniors ‘who otherwise would fall three: units ehort of meeting’ the requirements for graduation. Special fee: $175, but well worth it to avoid being stuck here for another whole semester,: Bh MBs DIRTY BIRDS DEPT. Once upon a time, there was a “Piper” who lured mice and rats with his ph well, you all knaw the stary of the “Pied Piper.” Now there's another kind o is luring a different kind of following with its playing. We happen to be t the &§ in pipe/ Matner, tl | Okay, Demy. it ym a gareeous, non-conformist beatnik painter|The reason you mover met x me | fellyou the plot 'wth.snsnnual income of $8.12. Trun araund | father ‘x because I never 2 | ofthis movie. As | oroctically nade all the time, and with the | married him—since |-dign't story oney 1 gavean elathes, Iwas ableta suy | think ie was good enouEh = that (000 hase ‘ours an the hill,| far you and me. Now, then— ello! Pm Lurid Reynarat Yes, Eebert, we'te bath thisking: What could possibly ame between us? Vr thenking?Dr. Hooey, the Liz, for crdered me to ‘enrell my son, Benny. in your Churen Schost. Bearetaih™ 1g mare | selievabier There's nothing iko spending a nic, average evening [Ws amazing nawjustane| | , Wella, Mies thorns in quiet, suburban Big Sawer, Calformi, and | That's reat séopped In to | news abgut the your son gat | Dr. Hooey. but | mathers wha live ia “cominws" in Um an angry, intelectual bbestnik-seulpter. | believe‘Wel, here we are atomo at tast— you. I . perhaps you cam just gaing to shrink my si 7 fon fr me, Wy in hot water and thet have man always failed to appreciate average, unm [ "to ctecuss peamanstip. t hate. | “Tcan co tor the intellectuals. crowed PTA meetings, don't you?]| In the mawie audience. = lect it. He's symbol. | How different our ives aro, fpbert You mean, free lke Looic what I've got: & disturbed son with a a That's father who newer married me, 38 unwashed this woundés Sinpiper | tove symbots. J right, Look ase | shat Alfred things seo sof E. Neuran intellectual. J ios dono far MADE =a He's gat a broken wi He's not fying. He's Scateh topo. == Airplane give, | airplane give ——— JLite my robe a wit |} ‘56 the audience can see muy legs. |] He's been smifing Wt‘Clear, | was with Lund "Reynard. | lave hee. But (alco ove you. You ste, I lave her for ‘and then I'l polish your now am What could be wrong? What's {are to suspect? Just because ‘you wore gone for B without a word? Now you just Teiax and Ill elesn all the lipstick off your elothes.. = Welcome pack nome, | Al cr might a= well say it You suspect misced you. Did you miss Henry Miller .. Existentialism Free Love Isn't it exciting andl Inspiring to be here Luri, there's some: cone feze to see YOU. He aye thet becouse he's toved you, his lie fs | sec! Zen Buadhisrs. Bracelet, and then Tl wash aut your Sewer” T-hirt, and thea Ill ron your perfur it hor beauty and passion, "and | love you for your intelligence ane jandkerchief with th “then Tl fold up ya Wan't You Kiss Me tn The Dark, uti, aive Babyr”, and tnen You have, idiot. Something about this scene seers vaguely familie ksan Pollack Bertrand Rusvali_. Fetlinghettl.. jeards But can't explain it to yau here, in front of all these caarse eats wha could explain ia you rch Serenon # good, ‘cleaning peopts wna will Understand, Mainly because they've all dreamed about Setting ito a sHuation like thi ‘never understan ‘and my wile, Clear, during my Ch ‘on Sunday—in front of hun(on benalt af like to prevent of yout tole as 0 delrocked Minister in "The Night Of The Banana” and your le az 3 ridiculously unreal Epiccapatian Minister in this movie, you 3,000,000 Protestants 19 Catholicism si Judaism to cate Does anybody here understand the real, ff undertping meaning at the | ‘Sinpiper bird—and us? SRE Ree Sa Ladies and gentiomen, || tam Father my sermon has just J nelled. [N51880, Tam te receiva care ‘sor of importa: Rabbi Sarmuel Roligious Award... || Greenberg » guess that's that, Bock fo bar paling. | Sloper idDON MARTIN DEPT, PART III ANOTHER GREAT BANK ROBBERY = LEIRST NATIONALSY HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER REVOLTING IRR] Sy mvc MAD FOLD-IN FUTURE reached a new high in uninhibited drinking, singing, secretary-grabbing, boss-insulting iaslHa and other carryings-on...all in the spirit of good clean idiotic fun. As a result, many XMAS Employers arealreadyplanning ahead. you jald page in as shown, you will see how they elt ig plan to celebrate tmas'in the years to come. us ms soos aeruert WITH XMAS SPIRITS OVERFLOWING, NORMALLY SEDATE EMPLOYEES TURN INTO UNINHIBITED ON Eel COMPULSIVE DRUNKS, LIBERTINES AND BOSS-HATERS Be 4AMAD?’s Great Moments In Advertising