No. 170 Lote Ctr wre) IN THIS ISSUE, WE GAG UP “THE EXORCIST”DEFACE YOUR WALLS WITH DISGRACE rand vo ia WTAE MESSAGE & 3 ART DEPRECIATION "You GET ALL 16 eoein full size and full-color FREE ~. PLUS THE USUAL COLLECTION OF OLD GARBAGE... AND NEW GARBAGE... IN THE MAD NUMBER R FOURTEEN m Ea ated ‘ON SALE NOW ON ALL NEWSSTANDS J} +--50 BUY A COPY TODAY... QR JUST SNEAK A PEEK AT ONE! | Ga, i. 4NUMBER 170 OCTOBER 1974 “Your money and your vacation never seem to run out at the same time!"—Alfred E Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisier ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art divector LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT tawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, ERIKA HOLTON, DAVID FRAZIER subscripsiors CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang af idiots ALFRED'S POOR ALMANAC DEPARTMENT August 15th to October 2nd =... eevee a BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Het Weather ........ 18 BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE HOLY SEE DEPARTMENT “The Eechorcist” (A MAD Movie Satire) resid) BUTTERFLY McQUEEN DEPARTMENT “Pepicom" (Another MAD Movie Satire) 02... .sceeer0 42 DETOURING THE PARKS’ WAY DEPARTMENT If Other Celebrities Hosted The "Miss America” Pageant ...32 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT. Gno Sunday Morning On The Beach .....s+2++ fois NG One Day In The Arctic. ...- : vee A JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Ws. Spy... # " “1 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail Seca MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT. “Drawn-Qut Dramas” By Araganés «2.0.2.0... MEDI-CATERERS DEPARTMENT ‘The 1974 Hospital Supply Catalogue y 37 OPTI-MISSED DEPARTMENT Wishiul Thinking ..... 2 SETTING A PRESIDENT DEPARTMENT" MAD's “Do-lt-Yourselt” Impeachment Newspaper Story... .24 ‘SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT. Horrifying Clienés ns ‘THE MEET RACK DEPARTMENT NAD's "Singles Only” Resort Qwner Of The Year .. WED BEHIND THE YEARS DEPARTMENT ‘You Know You Marries 4 Gal/Guy ‘Who's Much Tea ¥Young/Old Fer You When .......24 varie Piages tsound The Magazine = fae wea VITAL FEATURES THE ECCHORCIST AMOVIE ‘SATIRE) Pg. 4 “SINGLES ONLY” RESORT OWNER OF THE YEAR Pg.17 ‘THE LIGHTER ‘SIDE OF HOT WEATHER Pg.25 YOU MARRIED AGAL/GUY TOO YOUNG/OLD FOR YOU Pod A1gT. HOSPITAL, SUPPLY CATALOGUE POPICORN (QNOTHER MOVIE SATIRE) Pg, 421S YOUR LEVEL OF READING SHELF-EVIDENT ? PAPERBACK BOOKS ON SALE AT ALL BOOKSTANDS— OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 75¢ EACH use coupon ar duplic MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME: Celeste MAB -)80N MARTIN Hesnces Baek Sine Maa EBON MARTIN Disp 13 Stries Me digsrication MAD MAD's captain mts Sitike Mid (EBON MARTIN as EpThetate ofan 5 OGM MANTEN Gomes On Sureng Figen Mun {BOM NARTINCatiae On Ee at Foetior man inares {Tha Veodca Ma. MAD Stott ring MAD Er sat oea an Ei The MAB Sample ona, Wari, ee, Maa Oeivine Maa (ea wa estinabis MAD [Ei vtng sa (Tha ind asta ae (Burson Maa (Coed naa El Hopsine MA Sheree nan (Garstonet's MAD about MAD (i Afecores's Mul (arspenave In MAD We Trust CMa eter wr CoSinedlona wits The Tatar MAD COMA azout Spets i Pareciat ae MAD Taking Stamos CNOA MARTIN Stops Cut Ch mAD Hora Power COMBO Cradle fo Grave Primer ENCLOSE 75c FOR EACH (Minimum Orders # Books!) Gon (The oycles MAb [The Merten MAB Che poet Man NAME. LETTERS DEP: THE WAY WE BORE “The Way We Bore” mas one of your hose movie satires, Larry Siegel and § Drucker certainly coulda’ be boring! Jonathan Listig Lakeword, NJ The Way We Bore” i sight! You snd the movie bored me to sleep. Bur More Drucker art workwas fantastic! ‘Mike Sherard (Orlando, Fla I was sickened at the way you skrewed the whole movie into. a, "techie bapner story! That was 4 Reausiful movie and ifs shame that you hid to tear ie to shreds Becky Rabinson Glistoabury, Cann, 1 made the Guinness World Record Book for noavcop yawning, Keep up the ssood work, Larry aad More Louis Barbacine Mastic Beach, N.Y. achara Sudear shovld have beea yell ing something altogether diferent {rom Ban the bomb'” fe stould have Beco, "Boycon MAD! Boyeor MAD! Mare Con Portland, Oregon MAD GUIDE TO RECYCLING GARBAGE AL ‘A MAD Guide To Recy= cline G; vas preat. Tm naw tryin ta find a way co recycle my collection of MAD anagazines Bo Hashice Moultrie, Ga, I loved AL Jaffe's recycling old coches ‘and ties nto winter clothes for pets, hd Uke osc hs desis fora lovrgg tobe Todo D-Alcomo Toston, Mass The expresions on the characters are just too mache This ealr Ad Jers Charles Gloman Haleton, Pa risingly, most af the ideas could be used in real life. You know what Te besides just Kidding aroun, like Miller Montreal, Canada Whar happened? Mony of Jatfee's re- cycled teens actually made seni! David Kaspar Bakersfield, Calif MAD CONSERVE ENEROY COVER Your “MAD Lexds The Fight To Con- iy iver was a righ idea! ‘jay Ar Giecn Bay, Wis re ee ib saat ite a) 1 tool a clin view af your cover ‘i {aries to read the fue by my Donal Duck nigh gh Desbnne 0: Rarsap aklaned J PARENTAL NON-SEQUITURS Juss a note: from a Mom who always bus MAD for the kids and takes the Na- tional Geographic to appease her guilt. A Now-Sequitur at oer house WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR PARENTS: ‘Mom, guess what! The new iasuc of MAD 's‘on the stands. Lees buy it WHAT YOU HOPE THEY Witt say, “Quick, Bnd my car keys. We'll go down and get it naw a copy for you, anda fo we won't hive co wait WHAT THEY WILL PROBABLY SAY: ‘You. just seminded me, you dida'e cake alee Mrs. Mi Palm 5 Your “Parental Non-Sequirues”scemed ast televane. 1 was pleased to see Your magazine using more sophisticated words like "Non-Sevtuitue,” which we cied not toa lomg ago in my Latio IN class. It ape pears ra be he perfect phrase since i fears "illogical argument” fa my opine joa, MAD is just one big Non-Soquiur Janet Lee Gross Hiswthorne, Calif se McWhister ngs, Cali, Hither Stam Hare and I have the same potter there are Xerox copies of her attog arousal over the aation, ‘Slnwew MM Delano, GaiAMAD LOK AT MARRIAGE "A MAD Look uty sock Your “Billy Jock" was the most over- g thing since. Watergate povhea fvook i Having seco the» Hart and Angelo To Joe Boudeeax Shreveport, La Billy Jock” left me in. vears. "Bill Jock lef me ia tears of laughter. Barbara Kitkner Nowato, Cali As long.as I live, Tt remember reading eck” Ic all stated on a Saeurday fay afternoas or was its abe it wis a ver fo Ray Peace Sinclaie, Wve. A MAD MEDICAL REPORT Frank Jacobs it an excellent weiter and"A MAD Medical Report” was = Sam 3 Perey Hancock Gander, Newfoundland Canada Frank Jacobs disgaosed Unele Sum per © Now if they could only find a David Williams Shawne, Okla. ‘All Carrapardanee Te 1, 485 MADIao Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 Pleawe Ade a. KILL ¥ YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO —- use coupon oF duplical MAD 485 MADIson Avenue NAME. New York, NY. 10022 ADDRESS | enclose $7.00* Enter my name on CITY your subscription list, and mail me STAT ———___ The maxt 19 issues of MAD Magazine. ZIP 0 ious ‘ALSO, OUR QUESTIONABLE VALUES! ALSO, OUR DOUBLE STANDARDS! IM FACT OUR WHOLE ANIMAL WORLD! And it's the bieds and the bees and the beasts that doit... . with their satirical monkeyshines, bt cs truths, fowlmouthed remarks, foxy quips, rabbit-fre dialogue . .”. an 1 pack of snappy lions that'll pet your goat ss they horse araund in THE MAD TURNED-ON Z00 ON SALE NOW AT ALL BOOKSTANDS! SORRY, NO MAIL ORDERS!BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE HOLY SEE DEPT. Remember the good ald days when Hollywood used to make horror movies about vampires, werewolves, zombies, seventy foot apes and other assorted monsters? Let’s face it, they were all disgusting creatures, but there was still something kinda harmless. and loveable about them, Well, those days are gone for- ever, Today's film makers have come up with something really disgusting Yessiree, you sercamed at “Frankenstein,” you shrieked at “Dracula” and you shuddered at"King Kong,” but take it from us. . . those guys were all a bunch of pussycats when compared to . . a a ater =) DARE ERIE = on ow ay i i _ ‘Wy @ picture Mary. a eatnatie | | Roop aigaing until we ‘me? But, {wil not fi necting important! | | despuirt Yeu think — | wetaugn for Priests We're | [Yeah Fether! | | to get MOSLENS to digging! | | Nekieaing! | | ovey them? You shaula find 30 here in the Middle st P| |Yau're getting | | seothe problems we ve ugwing | | tobea pain | | nave with CATHOLICS ical ‘excavation project ust” | | inane neck! nomacaystORCIST ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL NERS Vecrtonest] [vastyens py Toe foretel eal Ty were pa Whot ese fy Now Tokay tes As Durories Wow Indeed you [€| Their strana da you fone meee sre, tho ie religious item! ff et to havel This. |. | position 3% pg 38007 “house wn Didnt you hear work. isan ancient| | nat some dreadful washington, thoze American bal |_| supernatural horror De Tourists in Fatherit ‘ip about to strike whee we're” baghdad praying, have found 5 an unsuspecting [2 something ooking for | "wo ased gas! ff something iga'modern | | ham, destroyin, ‘evi hes JRELIGIOUS IJ On, Lord, REALLY. resigious fives and causing been taking ternal | weneed.gast"? ‘unspeakable havoc! Whoops! Wrong hause im Washinaton whore something, ‘ew hag been taking peace! Let's ty again, guys back, a lawn inthe front ‘nd a tover on theeseHi, | [There's |[ Gotrtsat || no, not me firsts ‘sweet || my uttie || she eute end || Chust wun hug! Undt Murnsy! || darling! || “iresisubie! || -20n mayoe a litte Hi, Hella, || Tras hue || pinch to draw blood! tayai || Ravn || | her this I'm eatitied to [servantst -vory nstantt || some pressure, toot [lsat she fon aout Tung SS rem ‘ot fait Don't ask me Ly a ‘hill zem chust the = sraset| 2 “imeold blood! Intorthe atte, || d0you | | me TORTURE i il then | [SUagestr| | ne first What | Please. let Ail right, lease! Ready | tor tne big [campus scene! What? Disest such ) Vean'tbeteve it, Burp! taaimost || a compelling tlm? incredible! Inever | —— ‘naught anyone could No! Make 2 136 a iteet [] moviein ao7at || f Administaation || we mesn |} ‘hay, stusontat] [show |! Let's storm the || therpigs FL Building! | | business ft‘Will Burgp be at the party that gau're giving tomorrow ight? [lees hire 9 much! 2 Ouija Bosra! Gon't you soya second iL Hl in a Priest t i Hugh HefnestlThere, Gere! Just reliant Everything wil be all rie! Doctor. P| rou stpie Eamereot ‘tadyau” |] our sare cit come! fh arcane ‘Haneat 1s te ‘Strangest case And wie [| |] youre at would |) you uy to tind aut. | something Well, Gre Kays reveal there isnothing wrong [| Kiss my with your daughter In| | gpa you na-time, she should te up ans around, playing house, fingerspainting, sewing dolls! dresse=— aie es wake ean i Doctor, hore IS something It Feel tt Pernaps we had better call ina PeychiatrietThe way tenet, Allright! Hews Wait, Doctor! You on’? ungerstana! dementia praetor, Sng THATS Ir 3 very busy man! that weird evil walce 1 ‘coming aut of her moutht Wriat am I oping to Jor? Bad news, Ms McSqueatl Burpp mas mincing around in Ravin's room, sn now Ite window's smashed and he's ying dead in the outside: | | gitey autsee the housat 5 Pm Father Tsouris! Kindorgartent ‘Can you tell ‘YOU Excuse me for Bei personal, Fath but unat's a Priest doing Priest aamed | | “running a/ound a track Father Tsouris? | | cna Sunday morning Listen... the way en't zateute? (Gur ite git ls growing Up! ‘She's getting ore ke 2 normal teenager ‘evary dy!Gentlemen, 1 think its deep |[Diseaser (Ga ahead ‘atk mal iy. = Dom't So what! That never stopped us BEFORE! Heor that vicious, ‘oul language? See eval ot , in the Devil the Bev? {the smoke pouring out af her mouth? Have you ever sien ‘anything like that ‘elors, Father? (MERE, FATHER! LWANRIA TELL YOU SOMETHING: | know you're nat possescod ty the Devil So da’ try your pheny profanity! I've heard every fout word aves lttered! There's nothing horrible or nauseating yeu can say that will upset me! E cad RING AROUND THE COLLAR! fj Devil! Os “ Y"ai" [ae] se (eee ee ea srenate permission | . Chaney? Mass and aire tae nie Rai ete woin the} Himmi On second thought 5 Minar YOu Just eer ‘onlyan |) betterunpack! Now... these ject ost, CRUD! We say % Lisgear old child, || are the standard tools for || Exarcismns YOUR CHURCH [| uncover sp this Exoreism | dana tiee fl Stinkstvour ff something BL sod tae 10 Holy Woter to dause the || Believe me BISHOPS TAKE Bul spt the Gructi : Bitvccdmm A Br wall for one ———— toboid he Demon at bay. ie roreieeams flat th ing. think and the Hostess Cupcake». J) YOU i PLAYBOY! set mien the Dewi, ath Meveye What is MAKING QUT WITH ‘TENNIS SHOE! | [ The Hostess CUPCAKES? hungry That was easy! Have you sen the lines of people. malting a - to see this maviet Have you ‘Okay, Satan! That's all you want? Six more movies? FREE! Gut | | seen the grostes i's pang Yau wint we [EB now you're talking. [Ep = ow eos give up! what iB you White Cellar “That's i, Sweeties! Listen, na you make H) Sis you want? [ME] workers! My des) is my tad this kibd of popularity since the Thateoa | | more "Dewi Fick What will you [la] simple, typically [))] Inquisitiant All ths publicity anc How could | | guarantee SEXY. ake to leave [ei] corrupt Hollyroed interest! youthink ve got Beanies cor eal A guaraniee || | ang Followers NOW, just wi P| child's body? [-2} of sixmare moviest | |” MORE "Devil Flicks” hit thOPTLNMISSED DEPT. WOKS Io FUL(Bs 237 _§ THINKING warren: PAu. pevEn ponoes i j vereDON MARTIN DEPT. PART | ONE SUNDAY MORNING ON THE BEACH sw 2Mark Spritz! I'm famous far being a Gold Medal Winner! Unfortunately, I'm also a Silver coin LOSER! Mainly, | lost a toss with MAD's Editor...and naw I'm stuck doing one of these idiotic interviews. So here | am with my special guest, Mr. Randolph Ripoff, who's been chosen MAD'S “SINGLES ONL' _ oR aT] EE ark, baby...walcome to Soon 15 this one of your pues |_tnthereaee Tm ba rove mabe youself at oe SNE recrmaceg] No, that's my wife Sar got back into the bite used to Ripoff. mat ; call this Tell ino 7 Didn't you ‘ruth, Mr Tartihe | | “can splore the porate of ine ance | ites Inotung, | |_ Sed seiteeahaation ina free, relaxed stmorpnere! |! |“ ranely, uniowed people! remade ma en! —— nusric ae = ‘On? And what_| | lemeans ita Swinger plays his auncaow LI yoy fai [af No... fait sorry tor MEL IN THE allthose [J] Bread to spend, and wasn't Vf il man hi t does that mest? | | ards right, ha can't miss! p| COLONY [BH sorry for [| All those clods with all that i Pines"? atone my hands on any fthired a Sign Painter te change f ‘nd are toaay's | | oF he nar! || Singles say different ‘Sign Painters deat ‘They're LIBERATED! All we got in the from the guests you | | eld days w fat Secreta [came cheap these days! USED ta have Neve? | Ms ut they're all Tr iook Ike tho same tasers, Ll Well, prt of the Swingers “Swinging Single” Secretaries | | ig difference! Seo— [7] creed is ta do whaliver is and Accountantel What did you discovered the buying [| IM! Or, te put t snctmer power af the Singies, vay. if you want to be = ‘2 New, cool, swinging NonConformist, yau have look at the casual wa; fe to CONFORM! Ana these—er That's what YOU think! | CHANGE the Official Uniform almost every featuring jeans ny Wno's got-time to meditate ‘slong 2s they're SITTING there, Feon’t have 12 spend ‘money t0 ENTERTAIN ther {| And:nothing gives mo innerowe gir’ tell these Pepsi Generation Swingers | What to da.26 houre a day. they'd do nothing hut ‘eat! | figure it's cheaper to amuse them than feed ther! Seowe offer real ong. volley Dal sts, bridge tournaments, SiMon 6095, tennis, shuttle Even mare important, it kesps the You're catching on This is our Kung Fu Master, Irving chianet |ae sre Dovou | | Onlywhat UT done MavEte knew ary We nat only develop theic] | Oht Is he a know thing! I'm ORIENTAL! These || | bodies, but we alse nold rap anyning Jowers figure tat makes rve |) | sessions to teac stout ung ARE fu ented th [oor Bcansou. arate? teach io? eink toa, burn incense and discuss ‘Never mention Coney Island That's bad like admitting ‘you five (Gwer my dead body | wou! a set foot in oneo! these body shops! This wills diferent! She's an-olde Uhmmm— Fe mise ea pens ees Some of your You're as eld.as your Bank Account, 1 33y! ‘Actually. wiien the Singles Movement first began, aayone over 30 was considered yaars, well have “Golden Age Singles Clube" fashioned gir! | want her to leaving! Goodbye, iar. Ripottt sae eae 2a «Pega : aSPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPT. Hey, gang, it’s time once again for MAD's nutty old “Cliché Monster” game. Here's how it works: Take any familiar phrase or colloquial expression, give it an eerie setting so you create a new type monster, and you're playing it. Mainly, you're - Initiating A PROGRAMRestoring A CONFIDENCE, alking Up A VICTORYDangling A PARTICIPLE ia Going Through A PHASESETTING A PRESIDENT DEPT. Eyery day the newspapers are printing more stories about President Nixon's impeachment, and every day ctods iike us have to digest ‘masses of quotes, charges, denials and garbage. Wouldn't it be nice MAD’S ALL-INCLUSI 1 2 toa group G.OP, Congressmen ata caucus Democratic lawmakers to unruly mobs newsmen nude wedding black militants at a raffle White House “Plumbers” Speaking to the keepers typhoid carriers despite the threats wile-swappers eco, ote the imp to the boredom John, Dean’s schoolmates ‘The statement, which was. to afan club Capricoms ata Bar Mitzvah gay liberationists over the heads Pennsylvania shepherds i 5 ‘Asked for comment, a White How: beyond the hearing range schizophrenics 5 6 7 8 cheered by Presidential erities John Mitchell Watergate denied by Presidential supporters E, Howard Hunt tho ernsed tapes detested in the Oval Office H.R. Haldeman J the Ditty Tricks squad repeated for laughs by dohn Wayne Bebe Rebozo Nixon's unpaid taxes translated into Urdu by Dan Rather Robert Vesco David Eisenhower heard and forgotten in the Senate men's room Alice Cooper Martha Mitchell shown to-G. Gordon Liddy by the KGB life on Saturn cancer -alled a darling idea in a Denver trailer court Andrew Johnson Linda Lovelace relayed via satelite on“‘Let’s MakeaDeal” | the Russian grain deal toe fungus sung to the tune of “Swance”f’ by every dwarf but Sneezy | recont earthquakes Evers and Chance secretly bugged by the Washington Redskins] Aguew’s golf game obesity passed on by kissing, hy a Fresno streaker Darwin's theory Comet Kohoutekto have one news story intend of the hundreds we're now forced to fade thraugh? Well, consider it done, Simply fill in the numbered Mite font the corresponding numbored Hats, and you'll Bave . . /E DO-IT-YOURSELF ‘WRITER? FRANK JAES! 3 4 Rep. Peter Rodino isa certainty Vice President Ford will fail by two votes Sen, Sam Exvin will become.a TV series ER STORY} us pon an IBM compiter ‘will ruin Billy Graham the Kim sisters will bring back vaudeville ident Nixon id can cause rabies >— —@- and alleged that the President as far back as. an obscene phone-caller . linked Joha-boy Walton will unify Costa Rica sure beats working Marley's ghost patradamus was predicted by » aman ina funny hat will be rated PG may replace sex. spokesman To a lovely guy named Phil 9 10 a 12 dknew about the break-in September 9, 1972 denied the charge was covering up the cover-up: April 10, 1973 ould not be found hose to ignore his land deals Tricia’s wedding took the Fifth Amendment ‘an embarrasing hickey FDR's third term resigned had no knowledge of his Checkers speech, threw up ‘George Allen's game plan blamed Pakistan for ‘went bananas ped with Bob Dylan about Kosygin’s bad breath Hunts first novel utterly adored Rebozo’s tailor his lawyers can remember said he was George Plimpton the 197: jmped up and down abaut his LITT. dividends Supor Bowl stilted an exorcist about graffition Air Force One a previous lifetime told David Frye about Kissinger’s accent ‘Teapot Dome hig first attack of amni gotstoned waned at a summit mecting { Key Biscayne speed freaks went into trance over Pat's selling her cloth coat. the Crusades ‘wae given last ritesBERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER SIDE OF...> 3 ‘See what | mean? 11 Man, it’ HOF out there! a }\| | sere do meve things, Bo for a miew cold he i then NOBODY caes! a i \ = IATA ee] | wa claret JULY and AUGUST! Listen te. Resident Mana ~ The iEre sun sure = ‘What it finally comes down That's why rit take. a pee meee SU ee een he atrgrve poe sear ArTaActive oy PRACTIERL? fe ol a wron'tmatet your | (paacticat, at couse © | [Yeans my Daas) [Om, yeah Thavs where liver | [ents Summar | | My hause can be evoted down to ‘vacation, an fifty degrees with its central we ing | air conditioning My house ean siega fifteen comfortably Am 13 “Nut to value lite shave ail things??? Am 1s "Nut! to be concerned abevt the balance of Nature. 1? [apse youre van aes ee eras perme ars Garden Insecticide ang "Fly Millar"? EOF ‘cancemned, they can all go to HELL IGause bugs come aut when LL ||Paeaener anes ] | |_You're on “Ecology NutraTivo, Ee NOT te healt pep ae And it's NOT th x ie a at $e |) Alfred’s Poor ALMANAC AAD No. 170 gows: Fesue mil Be sold out fe] sisesaarata Rely Marka ewappedin. whe guint arrestea 11 ean 16 | eee Bees rw our eta, 1966.1 | AT re arenes gee ey Tha | TODAY MARES THE THE ONE MIRDEDT AND WONTY HERD | a= | Hovey Schmeer wins "National Stand.ngon 18 | AKNAvERSURe OF THe FOUNOINGE OF WESTURR UNION, 19 | Hesd Competition” hends down, 1948. te TAE3:16 tony the planet Neptune 7 wee | King Her 21| scayso Jers fa [esters to work ee hiss abeut 1161 Bp Teun] Ware Antony ments Cleopatra's mother, snneunces | gu | A flax beaver BD | hiuucodea tems cttwnte ioe et | 2B uegvea arena a way | Toy is fre frst day of Gay, Chana give hinra worthiece 2A | vesterday, and you dian in Patines Brand deserves another. mex | When two egotiste meet, they Ze | en eset OPTUS | 27 38 sone Oe 25 v= | Archaeologist Chauncey Windrush quits his jobthgaire | 3 ‘Show White tu BO | when te eeutees hig career sin ruins, 1934. BL | Disney werd, wi west of your ifel But so was ocanytting about tne! Sy] 25. sr otene Bop ara. EB) Ie ee Tiere Lafie, halons fist Gimneloust eB ESS! STR Dee oot oo ae a | sitPro eighth year ina row, Siscovers rigar morte is a dead pweaway, 1712 Piecein players picket NLY. Fi = Semand a fusher scale, 195% Faauel Weieh’s birthday. Whi ‘explain why today tsa total Bus Shoplifter Ina Quigley sentenced to month in jal for Sr | Marat tm mpettmas ip Ih aie Manveho fatein bast fase ony ULL Bigeeza | 7 | Sesiigimne tote, complswns me gat bum wade God c idible atthe Red Sea, = pei “+ | Vampires travel fast because God cols on ausibie at he Rea Sen, ECE —-| “| Thayne tho ma series eee Torr | vane Houdini reluses to scervienar wi8 Tagegrgs3| 4'g | Jolvs Caesar announces Rome tas toe many s00th 10 | nartings says has te up forthe day, 1920, LA | 2ope6 aeciares an excess proper Wee Sex Tras |g consecutive homely natakes Sparan rane] ona | Amy Twggert changes from Mawecl House Wi Yubsn, Te | Saad mova iagburn tart aniy tothe oon 1871, | 13 | Soph shes te ofthe sas old grind, 1970, Sn = Gar aueniner tras dow “Prnoechin doming gS] S| Alga ieaehos pt ied deter words is carga = Tea | SoOk RN arn to ei tae eR) 15 | Cleectributing tothe dehnquency of a mynan, 1548 wan _| Electie tans fai t@ work du 16 | Ciearance, taking the mind out of thei Te Naey's Surin sar aga] Ps | vou can eoynton tomorrow being aes, 1936.08 | 17 | sday tullot disasters, “BY | wom] Kennel guner Waldo Smeets eave dogs ctten meat BED? | 1 | hanced to put down boxer vebatian 124 6 ac wisn, eras, SOY ad | MO eed eta = aah, purple striped | em F 22 | mans i Oa eee AN Bo | Gunensive RI any tse something wil do. CO) Teo | Gagnipe slayer Angus Haggis runs naked on 90th bl Harry Swag arives bt party fwo hours ate, ; Pe eee eae ete ore higaland fore, 182 Bh | 25 | discovers res been Beaten ts tre punch, 2980. aes te eallarouna Seuth anvenca.y Psy ‘aces | Gardner Fenwick Bimbaum loses fahtagainstyyizar| sm | Magel ee ews nthe treme, 194s OR LANL | ET | tds hirseit in desperate stats, 1320. — Cea diacgrersthe rere vestses wow [ aychitect Andy Margate fais 19 win first prize in Fancy && = Home eompotition settles for Honorable Mansion. 1999. Geponta hres milan owe, Fay ult encord, 1927) Disaster, Disaster. Disaster Disoster. Bi gee Montez Fapes his wo OCTOBER IAD Ho. 170 gees aff sale, Anzry newsstand yan No 70 geal eal, ney ee Ae Mile Carsiars orders strawberries mn extaurant @ea] "a Maus Ste tata was arash decison, 1560." SED] 2 3DETOURING THE PARKS" WAY DEPT. Each September, you can count on three sure things: The leaves will start to fall, the football season will begin, and Bert Parks will host “The Miss America Heauty Pageant.” Now, there’s nat much we can do about the first two, but there is something we can do IF OTHER CELEBRITIES HOSTED Like...BOBBY RIGGS... ee [before we crown Miss ‘America, (e's Put = | ‘snd the First | ['wnicn means |_| So put om mat big ety anend tothe remors | second ftunner-up| | the bimbo from LI The Runner-Up is Nileenett frin of yours, swing your Is that great | |torco down the runway and ‘that i'm a Male is the blonde Denver... Mss J funk of stutt L! don't mina i the guys up Chauvinistt Actually [~) with the wild [—] Gelaradal You | ]trom Nevada—[—] front pawyou a itt Uhevetne hignest | |noom-tooms, Miss] | got fantastic Floasie May | | That's what your bod en Massachusetts! legs, haney! Groebleman! | | for! Meanwhile, Fi sing: Don'tsing ar act, gio! B lurtstay stacked, gine, 5 yaur body nol your talent we spp ‘ Ty, Wet thoes, gl liber preachin‘ like | | 8 Hang in here tough, giiet © =! ie Jean! | che, you're the countrys fave broad 3 "Caure poste Not same screechi he's Bilabout Bert Parks. Mainly, we can replace him (and while we're at it, that idiotic "There She Is... Miss America!” song) with someone more interesting. Anybody would be fan improvement, a5 you will see in this next article which shows what could happen ‘THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT” “And. “JANE FONDA... meena] [CERNE ah ve ce | Siyes of hall a lion peace sloving Viet Gang gueeitast | ‘And aceaiming migrant workers {ie Cambotian peasants oP Roope cach yi ‘were maleniag! Sung to the tune of “The Giri That | Marry”WED BEHIND THE YEARS DEPT, YOU KNOW YOU MAR MUCH TOO YOUNG/ YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S ‘MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... . { «+s the band she picked for your Wedding refusesto-play a Waltz, YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S ‘MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... Sia a your Manhood and Pattiatism are questioned ... just because you happen to beslriving Rer ear to Work anc day: YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... a ial +. you eame homie from a hed day to find that dinner isn’t ready... but she'slearned three new Felk Songs. YOU KNOW TOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S. ‘MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN... he objects to what you grow ia yourgurdén, ‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOR Ie «he's constantly upset .., having to exph that you're his Wife, not his Daughter, darienit ‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN... be siays home on his Bowling i knows that a bunch of your friendsare coming over,LD FOR YOU YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S. MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... Vee he > «cs the glock-radio is alwny'cset on her station, YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED.A GAL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... 1gthe wine list iaa very plush restaurunt, andl ‘der a battle of "Boone's Farm Straw berry Hill” YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... tie oa man effort tSabare her interests, you attend your very first Rock Concert ...and youd that the fansare a bunchof loud-mouthed, obnoxious, sereaming marems. RIED A GAL/GUY WHO’S WHEN... [ARTIST & WAITER; LLOYD EOLA ‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S ‘MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN. YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S MUCH TOO OlD FOR YOU WHEN... «you have to shovel the snow, bocatise he's afraid that it would bea strain on his heart YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN... bis interests, you attend your very first Pro Football game... and find that the fans are a buneh of foud-mouthed, obnoxious, screarsing morons.‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S ‘MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... «she bugs you to quitsmoking so you won't get cancer. YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... - you actually sart to care what happens on “The Partridge Family.” YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S ‘MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN. _ you invite your Boss-and his Wife over for dinner, and she serves McDonald's "Big Macs.” ‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GAL WHO'S MUCH TOO YOUNG FOR YOU WHEN... ‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN... ++ he buys you te quit smoking so you won't get busted YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S ‘MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN... he informs you that you can no longer wear those short cesses that used to turn him on when you were justdating. ‘YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A Guy WHO's ‘MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN... youhave your fist arumntbacauss he fuses {a itke youtoa real “fun place” on your voraon, YOU KNOW YOU MARRIED A GUY WHO'S MUCH TOO OLD FOR YOU WHEN...Pag Se MEDI-CATERERS DEPT, ise eS 4 ‘Thete is one gnawing suspicion that begins to grow within everyone who has spent a few days i hospital, It's that vague feeling that the members of the staff are engoged in a giant conspiracy of indifference, incompetence and inhumanity calculated to make patients suffer as much aggrava- tion, sorry and discomfort as possible, Of course, there never has been any proof to substantiate a claim that hospitals deliberately set out to make us feel more miserable than necessary for onger than necessary. At least ... . until now! By accident, MAD has come into possession of a damaging little booklet that no layman is ever supposed to see. For the satisfaction Cand possi- ble legal use) of those who have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous hospitalization, we herewith reprint a part of the diabolical pamphlet that confirms even our wild cior f \ i Aes N jit fee Citi AinraCannacery weal) Ii se he FOR THE HEALING PROFESSIONS ONLY Sales to Laymen Absolutely Forbidden wniTeRs Tom Kock — = ——S— ARTIST: BOBCLARKE fees195 ed S768 A1uno SNONGAVULNI ONLLVOINILNI—F18 onvs Wy3ua NI SONId33MS 4OOTs GINNYD ‘Wwolda Wa Sa3s109—-ZPE ‘sinssaid pooja, “19 oe SIg2H5 G3 cNYua oMTEVHOSHS, CRINSIVE~ E42 hPa so)qouo a0vap Suimeuly Ry31aWONvA V Amvau St 39Ve 3unssa¥d GooTE ‘SHMOD WLidsOH verop s6'69¢ 35N LHOIN HOS ST23HM aunsodxa s18nod~919 NOW| 1S¥3 HAIMA Ind “SAWE—vte6 srOp £6°6S od ‘pute pag owe nox taut Sean ost hauls JownngHY (wor, passisog ‘pay Kpooig : ‘daup Appig *paiisap doles Kose 3) wend 9°28" S3NO1ST1¥9 ANOHA GNVUa 21883 C3 THId. PLE sip ye ayes uo son‘G3HOTOS LUHOIE GN et HLTA, ONTHLANY LBL verop o9'TS SAvasX NYDMO TN “USINI ONY 3NOR G3LMOSSY—PTT SAME GNVH ONOD3S 137 = uorop O6°T$ sNBIS INaWaDWUNOD 962 sandyid a7noua Ang ef SNOLWNOd HOS ow fivaddv S3NDVId BadVa—9 “00 66rd ‘Sanbvig Twit 2zNOUE=ZE6LE lunup aad og Tes. Sev HOOT, WLidsOH 79:30 IS—Prs Blow! sisqi00 5} “Lom 3AvONOD a owed 298 STS fo om sie SOL ‘WLIM SAWUL THLE Hie SS ToHOaTY sida aTavaliStssaed os'628 Suva osism9713 sooud 34983 1731314109 aed se-zrs. ‘Siva ouvng ‘3disaza sooud-3aV389 ATIVAN MY CUYD 3OIS3A .AUILNOT. pj a00M TTS sg00! SVN, NSS SFN0L ff sy (2204 ue fog + juo8|p sours Vana “aldoad Hate FUG "INSSIL WOOHHIVE AHOUYHOS “3SuVOD. (Pegnrour You souoneg jeaqpou Bunse| Bue) Ws, genom aa: tes" "Tem wolves =| On uvriinis SHOLULS TIETIMS— TEL | vo7op OS =rS. Sha aaa STA DUQUY,. 61S DNIGNODaY AHEM 40 T29NY—Ze5 ‘asdey 10. sazzngORG, 0 : Nae f I) je : i (savy TT {i =—— A NeBUTTERFLY McQUEEN DEPT, There's a hit movie making the rounds that advertises itself as" The Greatest Adventure Story Ever Told!” Well, we may not exactly agree with that, bu! we will admit is “The DUMBEST Adventure Story Ever Told!” We're referring, of course, to the movie abou! that man whe had a simply unbelievable life! And that's how we feel about it! We simply don't believe il! But we do know one thing! Ii was so nauseating, sa disgusling, 30 stomach-turning .. . that we bought, bul never got to eal our Yes, I made the, best countertest Tanderstand Detense Bonds in a wistery where | think ies hiaoact eel‘We don't assign anyone: See you guys ‘round | ree ‘A moldy, rancid gatato. and half 9 dead mouse: the food! ALWAYS likeal AWTS ie That's DINNER?have done you Ws great seeingyou | No. that you're agaia, Poppy! The rest fees nae = ¥ | Hgured be any worse than the} eaekreaches and booties nd spiders and maggots |} nd worms and centages ‘and slugs that I've Yeu con all DISAPPEARIn exchange for Sister Snow White's -— helping you through the checkpoint, reurpenra “Berea Foc caled | H | to take you back! sentence, you | | wit ue aga! Just ask anyone for irc tolte Sisters of Judas Convent! | ‘4 ne you! 7 | loxcepe| | realy hea |i | t Try to keep ‘eur MIND Fy] miss F) 25 sharp Tkvaw! We a 3 mint | figured #5 much! But it are you coming TIMI Ses Sq SS ee my [sera | Sid'oock ( Lenegres sven Pf france} {punehment"{win tune to eh ONE FINE DAY IN THE ARCTICHERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN Nothing on earth has ever defied the “Law of Gravity.” Until recently, that is! Now, an amazing new development has clearly demonstrated that the “Law of Gravity” can not only be broken, it can be completely ignored as well. To find out what is doing this, fold in page as shown at the right. FOLD TH SECTION OWERLEFT F THAT WHICH GOES uP must OF COURS COME DOWN! THIS FIRST AND GREATEST OF EARTH'S NATURAL LAWS GOVERNS AL| LIFE ND NEEDS i SCIENTIFIC PROVINGA MAD LOOK ATATV COMMERCIAL |} WrtGLey’s SPEARMINT Gu, GUM/GUas. ~(d)* CARRY THE BIG FRESH FLAVOR / | ’ WHEREVER MOUGO. WHATEVER you Doz,