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12 Phrases That Will Defuse Any Argument
12 Phrases That Will Defuse Any Argument
Conflict has many arenas. It happens at home, the office, the family table. Hell, Zoom call conflict is now a regular thing. Regardless of the
setting or the players, the underlying reason for arguments, disagreements, or beefs is usually the same and, if you want to learn how to
resolve conflict, you must recognize it.
It’s not tone, body language, or specific words, although they certainly play a part. It’s interpretation. What was said doesn’t make sense to
you, and that sets off the cascade. Your brain releases cortisol and you say, “I’m gonna destroy you.” (Fight) or “I’m outta here.” (Flight).
Neither response helps, but we tend to the extremes because of “our inability to engage in conflict,” says Israela Adah Brill-Cass, a conflict
resolution professional and ombud at Wesleyan University and Clark University.
But boning up on your conflict resolutions skills is worthwhile, since tension will never go extinct, even in the best relationships. Resolving
conflict then starts with recognizing that a problem is in the room and then speaking up with unloaded language. It’s also good to keep one
reminder: Nothing is a guarantee, as Brill-Cass advises, because controlling someone else’s behavior still hasn’t been invented yet.
Regardless, it’s smart to have some phrases in your quiver that can aid you in conflict resolution in the workplace, at home, or any other
arena. The phrases below, offered by experts, all work to acknowledge feelings, ensure people feel heard, and let them know that you
want to assist them with an issue, not brush it under the rug. Keep them in mind the next time tensions boil over. Will they always work?
No. But they will show your intent to listen, engage, and make the situation better.
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not bolting, says Pat Love, relationship expert and author of Five Forces Destroying Your Relationship You Probably Never Heard Of.
3. “Let’s clarify …”
Why it works: With work projects, friction can happen over territory and perceived authority. You want to define protocol, timelines,
procedure, and specify vague terms; left on their own, “priority” “later” and “soon,” are up for individual interpretation, then battles. As Brill-
Class says, “Clarity makes shit better.”
7. “Oh.”
Why it works: It’s non-committal, but you’re also not ignoring, which is one of the quickest ways to inflame someone. The two-letter sound
also kills time to get more cognitive and less emotional. “You can’t have an argument if one person remains calm,” Love says. For the
record, an understated “Wow” is a fine alternative.
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someone’s argument. This is said in a friendly way, and while you can differ on the solutions, the challenge gets to find common ground.
“When in doubt, go deeper,” says Carl Hindy, clinical psychologist in Newmarket, New Hampshire.
9. “That was your experience, not mine, and I can’t say it was wrong.”
Why it works: Most family arguments never leave the sandbox: wanting attention, wanting affection, not sharing, all wrapped in birth
order. You’re acknowledging that you can grow up in the same place and hold different, “true” perspectives. You’re validating, mostly likely
your brother, and possibly stopping the lobbying effort to feel differently, Bernstein says.
11. “I feel something is weird. I just want to talk about it. Would now be okay?”
Why it works: With a friend, colleague, really anyone, you’re frontloading your intent to problem-solve, and you’re taking the overlooked
step of asking if the time is right. You can’t wait too long or jump in too soon, but you do have to act. “Unresolved conflict doesn’t go away.
It festers,” Brill-Cass says.
12. “You’ve talked about this before, but I want to finally understand it.”
Why this works: You want to dismiss your relative’s go-to story, but, at root is the desire to be heard. This announces that you want to
listen, but then you have to listen, not to be convinced. This means just let the person talk, which might be all that’s needed to retire the
tale. “To be understood is maybe the most powerful thing in life,” Hindy says.
And that’s the crux of interactions. You want to think, “What’s your goal?” You could look to come out on top, but, “If you win the argument,
you’ve lost,” Hindy says. Or you could decide to make someone feel good and strengthen the relationship. “You can redefine winning and
losing,” he says. “That’s winning.”
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