SENTENCE STUDIES # 1 • DUE BY 11:59 PM OCT 12TH

NAME:

Sentences are about characters doing things. They tell small stories. Sentences confuse readers
when they’re unclear about who the characters are and what those characters are doing. In Style:
Lessons in Clarity and Grace, Joseph M. Williams writes that the two most general principles for
clear sentences, are (1) “make main characters the subjects of your verbs” and (2) have those
characters make specific and “important actions.”

ANNOTATED EXAMPLE

Here is a sample sentence taken from Williams’s book that could benefit from revision:

Lincoln’s hope was for the preservation of the Union without war, but the South’s attack
on Fort Sumter made war an inevitability.

Let’s first diagnose this sentence by identifying the main verbs:

Lincoln’s hope was for the preservation of the Union without war, but the South’s attack
on Fort Sumter made war an inevitability.

(Note that “hope” and “attack” are nouns in this case.)

If we put a Who or a What in front of the verbs, we can identify their subjects. For example:

Who was for the preservation of the Union?

What made war an inevitability?

From this we see that “Lincoln’s hope” and the “South’s attack” are subjects. What did hope do?
It was for preservation of the Union. What did the “South’s attack” do? It made war an
inevitability.

Now let’s analyze this through a narrative lens. Who are main characters in the “story” of this
sentence? Hope or Lincoln? Attack or the South? If Lincoln, what was his important action in
sentence’s story? Similarly, if the South is a main character, what is its important action?

Subject(s) Verb(s)
Lincoln’s hope / the South’s attack was for / made
Character(s) Action(s)
Lincoln / the South hoped / attacked

Remember, the goal here is to make main characters the (grammatical) subjects of the sentence
and to make their important actions the verbs. Here’s a possible revision that accomplishes that:

Lincoln hoped to preserve the Union without war, but when the South attacked Fort
Sumter, war became inevitable.
ADDITIONAL EXAMPLE

Let’s look at one more sentence that could be written more clearly:

Discoveries made as a result of melting sea ice have led oil industries to make
investments in artic drilling equipment.

Here, discoveries is the subject, even though “oil industries” are the main characters. What did
discoveries do? They “have led” oil industries to make investments.

What might this look like if we make the main character of story (oil industries) the subject of
the sentence and make its important action (investing) the verb?

Oil industries are investing in artic drilling equipment after discovering oil in areas
previously covered by sea ice.

Here, our main character is the sentence’s subject and their important action is a verb.

You’ll notice that some license was taken in revising “result of melting sea ice” to “previously
covered by sea ice.” You can tweak these elements to fit your revised sentence. The primary
focus is on making the main characters of a sentence’s story its subject and their important
actions our verbs.

FIVE SENTENCES TO REVISE

Please compose your revised sentence below the original.

1) Attempts were made on the part of the president’s aides to assert his immunity from a
congressional subpoena.

2) Estimations of biodiversity loss by scientists are a cause for concern.

3) An understanding of the need for controls over drinking on campus was recognized by
fraternities.

4) There is fear among students that there will be fewer class offerings by the university due
to COVID-19.

5) The students found themselves confused by the instructor’s disorganization in regard to

the class Canvas page.