A REFLECTION OF MY STUDENT DEVELOPMENT 1

A Personal Narrative of my Self-Authorship Formation and Student Development

Dulce Beas

Kremen School of Education and Development, California State University, Fresno

March 23, 2021

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A Personal Narrative of my Self-Authorship Formation and Student Development

The events leading up to my master’s graduate program at Fresno State and my interest in

student affairs work provide a unique narrative of my development as a first-generation, Chicana

scholar. My story particularly involves looking at the challenges I experienced as an adolescent

and as a college student trying to make sense of who I am and my place in the world. I find that

these personal times of my life most closely fit what Baxter Magolda (2008) calls self-

authorship, the lifelong journey or “internal capacity to define one’s beliefs, identity, and social

relations'' (p. 269, as cited in Patton et al., 2016). Employing Magolda’s self-authorship theory

not only applies a constructive perspective to this personal narrative, but it allows for ongoing

reflection and clear interpretations of my self-beliefs (Patton et al., 2016). Throughout this paper,

I will place immediate attention to three major questions: (a) what factors led to my persistence

in attaining a four-year degree at a predominantly white university, (b) what experiences led to

the formation of my internal voice and foundation, and (c) why did I have a successful transfer

from college student to college graduate. This autobiography will provide a personal reflection

on my own beliefs, cultures, and values, and the ways these attitudes impacted my own life and

career choice. The purpose of this paper is to answer the questions posed above using a psycho-

social and cognitive theory like Baxter Magolda’s self-authorship model in order to identify key

processes involved that shaped my sense of self.

Elementary Years (Following Formulas)

To paint a clear picture of how I navigated four years of higher education as a first-

generation minority student, it is important to start from the beginning during my time in

elementary school. The identity struggle I faced started when I was young where I attended a

predominately white public school in Temecula, California. Being one of the few Mexican
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Americans at the school, I remember feeling self-conscious of who I was and of my racial/ethnic

background. Through students’ jokes and stares, I quickly learned that being different was

looked down upon. I felt ashamed of my name, my native language, and even the home-cooked

lunches my mom prepared for me. Although I did not know it until now, these experiences made

me race and social class conscious at a young age.

In order to fit in, I fully assimilated into the American culture the best I could. I

subconsciously began to imitate the speech of my peers and spoke very slowly to suppress my

Spanish accent. I also adopted their clothing preferences, beauty standards, and mannerisms,

while slowly rejecting my cultural identity. I was a young, impressionable child who was

constantly yearning for social acceptance and inclusion from teachers and peers. I did not know

how to navigate two different worlds/identities and therefore distanced myself from what I

perceived to be the substandard culture.

My assimilation to the dominant culture during my early schooling reflects the first phase

in the journey of self-authorship, following external formulas. According to Baxter Magolda’s

self-authoring model (2001), this early stage in self-authoring relies heavily on external

authority, placing trust in other opinions and voices over their own. Following formulas can offer

a sense of security because it secures the approval of others and aligns with authorities’ standards

(Baxter Magolda, 2001). In my case, I adopted social norms and external ideologies into my life

because I wanted validation and acceptance from what I perceived to be dominant figures. My

teachers and peers were stronger influences on my behavior than my parents because I associated

these figures with power and prestige. This attention to following external formulas also led me

to internalize racism and negative stereotypes about members of my community. Although I was
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unaware of their control, I allowed them to define who I am and govern over my internal voice

thinking it was my own.

Corcoran, California (Following Formulas Cont.)

Baxter Magolda’s phase of following formulas continues to persist in my life as a teen,

although some improvements exist in my development. For example, my environment drastically

changed in sixth grade when I moved to a primarily Latino farming community called Corcoran.

This shift in setting led me to make some strides towards establishing a cultural identity and

embracing my ethnic background. The Mexican culture was widely accepted in this town which

contributed to an increased interest in my racial/ethnic group. I began to enjoy Mexican music,

comfortably spoke Spanish with friends, and adopted Mexican fashion trends and customs. I

even distinctly remember feeling content with my name, no longer worrying about others

mispronouncing it or making jokes. I felt safe and reassured in this inclusive environment which

was something I longed for as a young girl.

Nonetheless, my behaviors and decisions continued to be based on external influences

due to my close relationships with family and friends. For instance, living so close to my

extended family led me to become involved in my church and adopt conservative ideals. I was

constantly instructed to attend religious events, serve at my church, and uphold a Christian and

womanly image because it was seen as morally right. My family had such a strong influence on

my life that I was incapable of understanding how my internal voice and desires differed from

theirs; the lines were so blurred that they became undetectable for several years. Baxter

Magolda’s (2001) following formulas stage continues to prevail during my adolescence because

I wholeheartedly adopted my family’s traditional values without questioning them. In high

school, I was particularly ignorant of prevalent issues in my community (e.g. sexual orientation,
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gender identity, the criminal justice system, poverty) and regularly lived in a conservative

bubble.

University of California, Santa Barbara (Crossroads)

My quest of developing an internal foundation and a personal philosophy continues

through college. I attended the University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB), located about

four hours away from my home. Upon arriving, I felt very lost, worried, and uncertain about my

abilities and college preparedness. I particularly had trouble defending myself in social and

academic spaces, lacking social capital and support from others. Being a first-generation college

student and the oldest member in my family, I had no one else to rely on but a few high school

friends who attended UCSB with me. We all lived together and spent our first year in college

learning how to navigate this new cultural environment.

One of the first crises I experienced regarding my journey to self-authorship was the

discrepancy between how I viewed the world before attending college and what I encountered

during college. It was my first time residing in a space that was diverse and inclusive of various

backgrounds/identities and I remember feeling overwhelmed. My interactions with others, in

particular, led to some inner conflict regarding my conservative values and beliefs. For example,

taking elective courses like geology, human sexuality, and religious studies introduced me to

new perspectives and ideas that made me momentarily rethink my views on the world.

Furthermore, exposure to multiple perspectives made me feel uneasy and uncertain of what I

truly know. These academic and social encounters initiated the start of my crossroad phase, also

known as the awakening stage.

According to Baxter Magolda (2008), individuals enter the crossroads when passed-down

knowledge about ideas and self are challenged by one’s lived experiences. These inconsistencies
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make it difficult to disregard alternative perspectives, causing a sense of confusion and chaos in

the mind (Patton et al., 2016). In looking at my experience, I began to question external

influences that have crafted my knowledge and sense of the world, representing the start of my

development in the cognitive dimension of self-authorship (Baxter Magolda, 2001). However, as

suggested in Baxter Magolda’s (2001) model, I was not yet ready to adopt these beliefs because

of my instability and lack of self-confidence during this time. It felt easier and more secure to

continue this ideological pathway rather than prompting additional tension towards my self-

concept.

Another critical event that advanced my self-authorship journey was my reevaluation of

career identities and goals. As stated, my transition to college was difficult and exhausting,

particularly for my mental health and confidence. Being the oldest of my siblings, I often faced

pressure from my family to maintain perfect grades and attain a well-paying job to support them

financially. For this reason, I applied to college with a science major and intended to pursue a

career in physical therapy.

When I began my coursework as a freshmen student, I took on various science and math

courses lacking adequate knowledge and college preparedness. I completed the first two quarters

with a low GPA and my first few letter C grades. As I persisted in my academic endeavors, I

began to lose interest in my major and lacked motivation in pursuing the medical field. My

grades further declined throughout the year due to feelings of homesickness, anxiety, and

depression. I particularly felt a great sense of frustration and embarrassment when I visited my

family back home because I prioritized their affirmations and aspirations more than my own

internal desires.
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This mindset slowly changed several months later through intense self-reflection and

journaling. I was encouraged by a counselor to write down my thoughts and listen to my internal

voice for my first time. I consider this my second experience entering a crossroad phase because

I grew dissatisfied with how I was defined and perceived by others. Furthermore, I became

interested in exploring my sense of self and defining my interests in relation to my academic

goals. According to Baxter Magolda’s (2001) work on self-authorship, individuals who enter this

stage feel unsure on whether to follow others’ visions or their own. In my case, I felt torn

between following a career path set by my family’s expectations or taking ownership of my

major. This tension came to an end when I changed my major to sociology, marking the end of

my crossroad phase.

Refining my Career Goals and Social Identities (Becoming the Author of One’s Life)

As I began to get situated in my social environment, I slowly grew to understand myself

and make meaning of my surroundings. Starting my third year of college, I was challenged to

evaluate scholarly claims and take part in knowledge construction. My upper-division courses in

sociology and education specifically encouraged class discussion and exposed multiple, often

radical, perspectives. I was initially surprised by this different approach to learning, as my upper-

division college professors no longer relied on exams but prompts and essays to assess student

knowledge. Furthermore, the concepts discussed in class were presented as ideas rather than

facts and positivist statements. This format motivated me to craft my own knowledge, values,

and interpretations throughout the course.

According to Baxter Magolda’s (2001, 2008) self-authorship model, becoming the author

of one's own life requires reshaping our beliefs and sense of self that feels authentic to our

internal voice. This journey involves an internal meaning-making process that cultivates
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personally defined beliefs and values, otherwise known as an internal foundation (Baxter

Magolda, 2001). It especially requires time, effort, and guidance from a variety of dedicated

educators (i.e., counselors, administrators, professors) to take an active role in students’

meaning-making process. As present in my experience, self-authorship development involves

welcoming participants’ ideas and evaluations into the learning process (Baxter Magolda, 2004).

Shifting the paradigm from teacher-centered to learner-centered reflects the learning

partnership model discussed in Baxter Magolda’s theory. The learning partnership model

consists of three key components: validating students’ capacity to know, situating learning in

students’ experience, and defining learning as mutually constructed meaning (Baxter Magolda,

2004). These three models were particularly evident during my coursework, as there existed a

clear pattern of collaboration between educator and learner through the use of class discussions.

Furthermore, sociology professors encouraged learners to situate their experience into their

assignments and group dialogue. This invitation to the learning process enabled students (myself

included) to feel empowered and capable of engaging with complex views. In general, the three

principles encourage student autonomy and ownership during the education process.

Another key shift that led to my self-authorship development was my participation in

various social groups on campus, resulting in a stronger sense of belonging and overall

persistence. The positive experiences I had in the NASPA Undergraduate Fellows Program

(NUFP), for example, was the original catalyst to my interest in student affairs work. My

involvement in this professional organization served as a safe space for me to stand up for my

own convictions and live them out. In addition, my participation in several seminars and NASPA

conferences also enabled me to gain additional leadership skills and explore my identities and
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interests. My peers’ constant support and guidance eased my transition into higher education and

empowered me to better make sense of my self-concept.

All things considered, these two critical experiences in the academic and social sphere

made me feel validated to dictate what I believe, who I am, and the type of relationships I seek

with others. The intersections of these three dimensions—cognitive, interpersonal, and

intrapersonal—served as a strong force to the development of my self-authorship (Baxter

Magolda, 2001). My journey to the last stage—internal foundations—will require further

challenge, pushing, and self-reflection to become grounded in who I am.

Conclusion

All in all, Baxter Magolda’s self-authorship model and learning partnership principles

have helped me comprehend the various factors that have affected my self-concept. This

reflection sheds light on my intersecting identities and provides a window into the daily

challenges faced as a first-generation college student coming into terms with one’s internal

foundation. The overarching theme in analysis engages topics like dissonance in academic

coursework, refiguration of my identity through various sources of support, and taking

ownership of my internal beliefs. The learning partnership model particularly demonstrates how

my self-authorship journey was developed in various contexts. Furthermore, my transition from

external to internal self-definition took various forces and crises. As stated in Baxter Magolda’s

(2001) work, self-authoring evolves when one faces a number of challenges and is provided with

sufficient guidance and service.

While writing this autobiography, I am especially thankful for my mentors and professors

that have validated my experience and learning process. I cannot help but also acknowledge the

privileges I hold as a graduate student and future student affairs professional. I hope to use this
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reflection to better support and advocate for students that feel lost in this journey of self-

discovery.
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References

Baxter Magolda, M. B. (2001). Making their own way: Narratives for transforming higher

education to promote self-development. Sterling, VA: Stylus.

Baxter Magolda, M. B. (2004). Learning partnerships model: A framework for promoting self-

authorship. Learning partnerships: Theory and modes of practice to educate for self-

authorship. Sterling, VA: Stylus.

Baxter Magolda, M. B. (2008). Three elements of self-authorship. Journal of College Student

Development, 49, 269–284.

Patton, L. D., Renn, K. A., Guido, F. M., & John Quaye, S. (2016). Student development in

college: Theory, research, and practice (3rd ed.). Jossey-Bass.