Chapman Learning Commons

Knowing Your Limits and Boundaries

By Nicole Chanway (https://learningcommons.ubc.ca/knowing-your-limits-and-boundaries/) on April 11,
2016

You’re stressed.

It’s April now, and though the term is supposed to be winding down, you feel like it’s only speeding up.
Assignment deadlines are fast approaching. You have four readings that you’re expected to finish before
exams tomorrow. You haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week, the other members of the clubs you’re involved
in have forgotten what your face looks like and a friend of yours is going through a rough patch, which
means they’re leaning on you for emotional support. Your mom is upset that you haven’t called her lately.
You’ve got a lot going on.

If this situation sounds familiar, you are definitely not alone. An integral part of self-care is learning to cope
with difficult situations such as these. How do you juggle all these responsibilities and make it through to
May with a smile instead of a grimace? There’s a simple answer to this question, though it is much more
challenging in its application: boundaries.

In order to practice effective self-care, you need to know your own boundaries, which I’m going to define as
the lines you draw between yourself and other peoples’ expectations of you. If you don’t know your own
boundaries, taking care of yourself and treating your body and mind with respect will likely prove to be
illusive goals. You have to define what exactly is too far or too much for you in order to know how much you
can achieve without negatively impacting your mental health.

Setting boundaries means specifying to the people in your life what you can give and share, but also what
you need from those relationships. This can take many forms. For instance, returning to the example I
began with, say your friend is struggling with their mental health. They come to you primarily for emotional
support, and nobody else in their life is aware of how bad things have gotten. As much as you care about
them, you find it exhausting to be the only person that they feel they can tell about their struggles.

Setting a boundary here is extremely challenging because your friend has told you repeatedly that they
need you, that you’re the only one who understands. You may feel guilty, even obligated, to be the
emotional support that they need. However, taking on someone else’s burden (with nobody else to share
the weight) can lead to a rapid deterioration of your own mental health.

Our health and happiness has to be our first priority. Nobody else is going to be there setting boundaries for
us; that job falls to us alone. If we take on too much in our relationships, often the result is that we feel
drained and used up, which adds to all the other stressors that are inevitably happening. This isn’t to say
that looking after your friends (and being looked after by them) isn’t healthy, loving, and productive, but if
you don’t make yourself your first priority, who will? Also, it’s hard to take care of someone else if you
haven’t taken care of your own needs first.

Setting a boundary with this friend does not mean you’ll never talk to them or that you can’t still be there
when they need someone. What it means instead is saying things like, “Have you considered telling anyone
else about this? What about going to the doctor or seeing someone at UBC Counselling?” (Or, as a
shameless plug for my own blog series, direct them to the infographic on campus wellness resources at the
bottom of this post!) Try to gently introduce alternatives and push them towards other resources that not
only take the weight off you, but are also professional and qualified to handle questions of mental wellness.
You can absolutely still be there as a support, but if you’re their primary “person” to come to and/or you
feel like you have too much happening to support them without harming yourself, you are more than
justified in taking a step back.

Remember that boundary-setting is a continuous and negotiated conversation. Maybe a month from now,
you’re feeling like you’re in a better, steadier place to be more involved in supporting this friend of yours –
or maybe the level of support they need continues to be a little too much for you, and the take-home
message of this is that either way, that’s okay. You have to prioritize your own wellness before you can
commit to someone else’s.

Like anything else that is difficult in life, setting boundaries takes practice. However, like a lot of other
difficult things, it’s an extremely worthwhile skill to have. Setting boundaries with your loved ones may not
erase your academic stress or fix your lack-of-vegetables situation, but it’s definitely a way to manage
emotional exhaustion and ask for the support you need so that you can keep pushing forward.

Good luck with final exams and papers, everyone – you will make it through this!
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 6 responses to “Knowing Your Limits and Boundaries”

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Reply 1, 2019 (Friday, February 1st, 2019, 11:34 am) at 11:34 am (Friday, February 1st, 2019, 11:34
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Chapman(https:/
Permalink Learning Commons (https://learningcommons.ubc.ca)
/learningcommons.ubc.ca/knowing-your-limits-and-boundaries/#comment-
February
26437) 13, 2019
| Reply (Wednesday, February 13th, 2019, 2:07 pm) at 2:07 pm (Wednesday,
(#comment-26437)
February 13th, 2019, 2:07 pm)
We are really happy that the article does help you with your study and research! We will
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/learningcommons.ubc.ca/knowing-your-limits-and-boundaries/#comment-26409) |
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Reply 10, 2019 (Sunday, February 10th, 2019, 5:11 pm) at 5:11 pm (Sunday, February 10th, 2019,
(#comment-26409)
5:11 pm)
whoah this blog is wonderful i really like reading your posts.

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(https://learningcommons.ubc.ca)
Chapman(https:/
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February
26446) 13, 2019
| Reply (Wednesday, February 13th, 2019, 2:35 pm) at 2:35 pm (Wednesday,
(#comment-26446)
February 13th, 2019, 2:35 pm)
That’s what we do! Share it to your mates and help more people too!

Laura Howell
Permalink (https://learningcommons.ubc.ca/knowing-your-limits-and-boundaries/#comment-29381) |
July 16,(#comment-29381)
Reply 2021 (Friday, July 16th, 2021, 4:54 pm) at 4:54 pm (Friday, July 16th, 2021, 4:54 pm)
Thank you for taking the time to share about boundary issues. I am one of the people who have
always taken on more than i can handle putting my own mental health needs on hold thinking i
can tend to them after taking care of the pressing needs of others in my circle. I’ve been this way
my entire life – it was only a couple years ago. I started realizing how messed up and disorganized
my own life had become resulting from not knowing how to draw boundaries and make them
clear to others…

Annika (https://learningcommons.ubc.ca/knowing-your-limits-and-boundaries/#comment-
Permalink
July 26,| 2021
29388) Reply (Monday, July 26th, 2021, 1:12 pm) at 1:12 pm (Monday, July 26th, 2021, 1:12
(#comment-29388)
pm)
Thank you so much for reading! We are happy that you have found our blog post helpful.
Stay tuned for more helpful resources!

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