NO.

1 COMMUNICATING BIG EMOTIONS

POSITIVELY ADDRESSING BEHAVIOR

THAT SEEMS TO BE AN EXCEPTION TO
EVERY RULE

Issue No. 1

JUNE 2018
NO 1. COMMUNICATING BIG EMOTIONS
Communicating Emotions
I remember the day my younger brother learned
to ride a bike. He was young, and had a hand-me-
down two wheel bike that he decided one day he
was going to master. I remember the wheels
being about as big as a frisbee and his little legs
going so fast as my dad ran beside him for a bit
then let go.
My brother kept going...and going….and
going….and then realized, he was great at riding
a bike, but he didn’t know how to stop. It was as
though his wheels and legs were going faster
than even he could keep up with. His body was
driving him faster than he wanted to go. We all
panicked, not expecting him to take off on his
first try, and wondering how to catch up to him
before he crashed and burned.
Being young, I don’t know how long it took for us
to reach him or how bad his crash actually was,
but I remember thinking we were NOT prepared
for him to take off and be so independent from
the get go. Stopping him was the problem, not
letting go.
JUNE 2018                                                                                                             PAGE 2
So it is with emotions. Once we let them out of
the flood gates, and give our kids the space to
express their emotions, knowing what to do
with them, and how to catch up to them before
they destroy everything in their path, is
HARD...if we don’t have a plan in place
beforehand (which is probably what you are
experiencing right now).
When I was growing up (that makes me feel
really old saying that), kids weren’t taught to
express or identify their emotions. Quite
frankly, I don’t think adults were prone to doing
that either. Emotions weren’t expressed,
identified, or accepted as something that was
ok to have.
Dr Shefali Tsabary implied this trend of; hiding
our emotions, letting “time heal all wounds” and
adopting the “do what you are told because you
are told,” is the mindset that has led us to be
the most medicated and mentally unstable
generation ever.
Feelings are meant to be felt, they’re meant to
be expressed, and they are meant to be
understood. That, my friend, is not something
most parenting tips teach us, but it’s an
important part of life. So together let’s dig in
and give it all we’ve got, because my guess is,
just like my little brother on that tiny two wheel
bike, the big emotions in our homes are going
faster than our kids or us can handle, and it’s
time to catch up. 
ISSUE NO.1 COMMUNICATING BIG EMOTIONS
All behavior is communication
When we don’t have the words to express
what we feel, the emotions come out as
behavior. That behavior can look
different for everyone.
You are the expert on your child, and I
guarantee you can list at least 5 ways
your child chooses to express emotions
without actually labeling them. For
instance, when I feel shame, I typically
become very reactive, defensive, and
snippy towards anyone around me. If I
feel inadequacy I withdraw and shut
down.
Take a few minutes to write down the
behaviors you see most often in your
child(ren) when big emotions are
present. Do the same for yourself.
**PAUSE TO DO THAT**
Now that you have those behaviors
written down, what would other people
tell you about the way you “should” react
to them? Punish them? Ignore them?
Shut them down?
JUNE 2018                                                                                                              PAGE 3
Going back to Dr Shefali’s words,
emotions don’t need to be punished,
ignored, or shut down, they need to be
felt and worked through. It’s the actions
that come with the emotions that need to
be talked about and dealt with.
I like to think of emotions as being like
air in a balloon. It’s ok and perfectly
normal to fill a balloon with air, just like
it’s ok to feel emotions. At some point,
when the emotions are intense, it’s like
having a massive burst of air fill the
balloon. If the balloon is too full when
that happens, it will pop, and that
explosion is what we want to avoid. If we
can daily practice noticing when our
balloons are getting too full, and knowing
how to let a little air out without flying
all over the room uncontrollably, we can
deal with even big bursts of emotions
without popping.
That happens when emotions are
understood, labeled, and accepted.
Disciplining, shunning, or punishing them
won’t ever help because it never let’s the
air out of the balloon. It’s basically
teaching our kids to pretend the air is
bad or the balloon never gets full. Neither
of which are realistic. Ignoring or
disciplining emotions only makes the
reaction to them stronger, or even more
dangerous- less visible.
While difficult, our first step in
understanding and controlling the
REACTION to emotions is to understand
the ways they show up in our lives. By
now you’ve already written down the
behaviors associated with the emotions,
that’s the end product, now it’s time to
dig down and see what leads each of us
to get to that point. This is how we
become proactive not reactive by having
a plan in place and boundaries.
 
NO 1. COMMUNICATING BIG EMOTIONS

Labeling Emotions
A skill We All need to learn
The first step to controlling the reactions to our
emotions is to start labeling the emotions, or
recognizing when our balloons are being filled
with air.

We are going to break that process down into

two steps
1. Identify the physical feeling that comes with it.
2. Label/name the emotion

We first start labeling the reactions in our body

because they are more tangible and less abstract
than feelings in general. It’s easier to say “my
tummy feels tight” than it is to say “I feel
nervous”. Since this is a skill we are learning, we
start with the easier steps, to build a strong
foundation, then work towards the more
complex.  

What are the physical reactions to the emotions

you and your child feel? Noticing these isn’t
always easy, and sometimes takes some
guessing/trial/error.

Remember in the heat of the moment, our kids’

ability to communicate and think logically are
drastically hindered, so don’t try to go digging for
answers in the middle of a meltdown. Talking
through these things when everyone is calm is
going to be the most effective way of identifying
the physical sensation during an emotion.

Check the workbook for suggestions on how to

start conversations around identifying the
physical response to emotions.  

JUNE 2018                                                                                                                PAGE 4

ISSUE NO.1 COMMUNICATING EMOTIONS
naming the emotions
"One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give
to a child is to acknowledge their own mistake, to say
“I was wrong here” or “I’m sorry”
This is so powerful because it also gives the child
permission to make a mistake, to admit having
messed up and still be okay."
-Dr. John Gottman
Now that we know the physical
sensations associated with emotions,
it’s time to give the emotion a name.
This process can be unique to you and
your family. You don’t HAVE to use
words like “anxious, frustrated,
ashamed, etc.” use words that are
meaningful to you and your child and
ones they will use often on their own.
For younger kids, it’s ok to use simple
words like mad, sad, etc. Or make up a
word. If you choose to make up your
own words, just note that over time,
that will need to evolve so your child
can effectively communicate their
emotions with others and be
understood.
Tip: If your child is nonverbal or has
limited verbal skills try using picture
cards like these.
A little word of “warning”.  reason).
JUNE 2018                                                                                                                PAGE 5
Right now your child is using actions
instead of words to express emotions.
As you shift from actions to words, be
prepared for your child to get louder
and more expressive in those emotions.
That’s ok. Remember, emotions aren’t
bad. Labeling and expressing emotions
isn’t bad. It can also be a little loud and
intense at times.
Think of the process of letting the air
out of a balloon. It’s awkward, sounds
funny at times, and typically isn’t quiet.
Just know that same process will
happen with your child, and maybe
even with you as you shift into this new
way of addressing and expressing
emotions.
A former student of mine heard her son
say that her kids behavior evolved from
hitting, aggressive behavior, to loud
expressions of “I’m really angry!” So, if
your kids tend to get louder and more
expressive, that shift is natural, go with
it as long as nobody is being hurt
physically or emotionally (within
 
ISSUE NO.1 COMMUNICATING BIG EMOTIONS
Become proactive
We all have emotions, we all have air in
our balloon, even when we don’t notice
it. That’s inevitable. The only thing we
can control is what we do about it.
The things we can do to prevent our
emotions from getting the best of us are
the following;
Talk about them openly (emotions that
live in the dark THRIVE, those that are
exposed to the light have less power to
take over)
Identify (and avoid when possible)
common triggers
Ex. Being disappointed, being surprised,
etc.
Acknowledge the feelings associated
with the emotions, don’t fight them, just
identify them
Have a cool down and/or reconciliation
plan
We’ve gone through most of these
already, now it’s time to make a plan.
These plans of letting the air out of our
balloons will look different for everyone,
and that’s just how it should be.
JUNE 2018                                                                                                              PAGE 6
As a family, just you and your child, or
one person alone can think of a plan to
let the air out. I’d say talking about these
things as a family is less scary and less
threatening than one on one talks, but do
what works for you and for your child.
Keep the talks light, no need to shame or
blame (that only perpetuates negative
feelings), and be open to suggestions
outside of what you would think of. The
skill of learning how to navigate feelings
is very similar to riding a bike. There will
be some spills, a few near-fatal crashes,
and lots of backtracking, but once you get
the hang of it, it’s a fun adventure. Some
rides will feel more like riding down a dirt
road with a million potholes, others will
feel like an uphill journey, and others
might feel more like a beautiful ride
along a path that fills your heart with joy.
No matter what the journey might look
like, it’s yours to be on and to enjoy.
I can’t wait to be part of this journey with
you my friends!
Note: For the challenge, feel free to post
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drawing to win prizes at the end of the
month, so be sure to use the hashtag
#mommingmindfully and tag me
@Imperfect Mom on Facebook and
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