Chapter 1

Some time ago, when I went to the furniture shop, I saw a set of brown
sofas. They were big and comfortable and could almost suck half of a person
inside. The price tag was over 4,000. I said to my husband, “I’m buying them
for you, as a wedding gift.” He looked at me in astonishment and said,
“Nonsense.” And then went to observe a little coffee table with interest.
Such an obvious cover-up that even I could see, but he probably had nothing
else to do and nothing to say other than that. I looked at his back and smiled.
Actually, he didn’t know that I wasn’t gambling or mocking him intentionally. I
really wanted to buy something for him.
T/N: All chapters are super short! You can really just zoom through while
crying… really. This story is a real tragedy, both in and out…
Fish just wanted to try translating something that wasn’t HE for once (ง ´͈౪`͈)ว
Chapter 2
At the terminal and getting off the bus, it’s already dusk. We walk slowly walk
back.
Turning my head to look at his side, the golden sunset smeared on his face,
softening the outlines. You can clearly see the slight fluff on both sides of his
nose. Hubby’s hair is heavy, except his neck and chin stubble, even his cheeks
and throat have fine hairs. I have been trying to convince him to shave these
two places, but he refused. He was afraid that after shaving, the beard roots
will harden, then the lower part of the whole face will turn blue-green, like
wearing half of a mask.
When I got home, the suitcase was in the living room. He went to pack. I
pretended not to see. What was his and what was mine, he could always tell.
Chapter 3
Hubby is laying on his back in bed, and I lay on him. I move up and put my
face on his face.
He probably enjoyed it too, and rubbed his cheek on my face.
For me, hugging is more important than having s.e.x. s.e.x can only be done
out of pa.s.sion, but embracing comes out of wholehearted trust and love,
opening up yourself without any defense.
Skin-to-skin, ear-to-mane, these two phrases are well-constructed.
T/N: The phrases are 肌肤相亲、耳鬃厮磨. But fish wasn’t sure of the English
equivalents…
Chapter 4
From 1999 to 2006, seven years of time, loving this person seemed to have
become a part of my own body. It was a natural existence and sometimes
could not even be felt. But when it really came to the time of cutting off,
there will be reluctance, pain, and the urge to cry.
Hubby asked me if I would like someone else in the future, which was a very
heavy topic. I only dare to make jokes about it. “Yes,” I said, “Maybe one day
I would suddenly start a fire with other people’s thunder, and then dry
firewood, and let it go for thousands of miles.”
Hubby was amused by me. “I know what you like, mature and steady.” All in
all, they have to be Optimus Prime in front of me, for sure.
This sentence has been said by some cla.s.smates before, “In the future, you
must find someone who can hold you down.” Maybe it’s because sometimes
I’m too childish. When I get acquainted with my dormitory cla.s.smates, I
often play tricks on them. Fortunately, n.o.body cares, they just laugh
helplessly.
“If I really like, then there’s no helping it. If I don’t like and you want to chase
me, you should not only be mature and steady, but also be handsome and
rich.”
Chapter 5
I have thought about this question myself, I don’t know what kind of person I
will like in the future. But thinking about it, it always concludes to my hubby,
my mind always thinks of his face. I can’t imagine anyone else. If it’s not this
person, it’s not possible. Sometimes it really makes people feel desperate.
When I think about the wedding gift, my favorite phrase, “May the years be
quiet and the world be stable.” will be stuck on the gift for him, because I
can’t use them anymore.
Chapter 6
I still have many more words to say to him, “If one day you can’t go on, come
and see me, I’ll wait.” Bury the seeds in his heart, make him feel guilty, and
let him always think of my good.
Let him know that he still has a way to go back, so he will never feel
grievance.
When the opportunity arises, the seed will take root and germinate, and then
I will harvest it.
But I also want to say to him, “Since you decided to get married, don’t think
about the past, concentrate on life.” It’s much easier to integrate into the
mainstream, approved lifestyle. How is it not another kind of happiness?
What’s more, another woman is involved in it. Counting up, she’s the most
innocent one.
I wavered between the two ideas, choiceless.
Chapter 7
Eventually, I selfishly sent him a text message, “I’ll wait until thirty-five years
old. If you don’t come then, I’ll find someone else.”
I am not innocent, but I am not guilty.
I just like someone.
Life and death are the most tragic poems. Life and death and parting are
major events, which are beyond our control. How small we are compared to
the outside world! But we say, “I want to be with you forever, and I will never
be separated from you all my life.” As if we are the masters.
—— Zhang Ai Ling/ Eileen Chang
Chapter 8
Half a month more, and he will get married. It’s been a week since he moved
out. We haven’t seen each other again. He hasn’t answered my text. I don’t
know what’re his feelings after seeing it.
At this point today, I have no complaints, because I have already realized,
harboring the mindset of “One more day is also something”. The happiness of
these years was stolen, and now it is time to return them.
I don’t want to point out that this society is unfair, what’s the use?
I have always been a cowardly person. I have no determination and courage
to be a fighter, so I hide in the corner and try not to be noticed.
Chapter 9
Anyhow, he’s also the deputy manager of the department. On the day he
moved out, there were still many people to help him, his subordinates, the
moving company. I sat on the sofa in the living room and watched. Among
the people coming in and out, I was very conspicuous. Someone asked me to
give a hand. I pretended I didn’t hear it. I tried my best to control it, but I
couldn’t help my face turning ugly.
Those subordinates probably thought our relationship was bad. After a few
jokes, they saw that I didn’t answer and laughed perfunctorily, so they
stopped caring me.
Television and movies are often shown, that when leaving, the extra people
will disappear automatically, leaving only two protagonists.
But until the last time, all the things had been moved. He had to clean up his
new house. The subordinates were pestering him to invite them to dinner.
From the start, we never had a chance to speak alone.
Chapter 10
I sat in the sofa, carefully capturing the movement downstairs, heard his
voice, and heard the car start. I stood up and leaned down on the balcony,
the car is slowly driving away.
I watched it drive up the road, see its view be blocked by other buildings,
watching it until it can’t be seen again.
Cleaning up all the paper and garbage he left behind, and finding a lot of
clothes to soak in the basin, and wipe all the gla.s.s again.
I had to find something to do.
Chapter 11
He had been quite resistant to his s.e.xuality. Sometimes I think that without
me, he would have fallen for a girl.
He never said that he liked me, although we lived together, although we often
had s.e.x, he never said this sentence. It was like if it was said, it would be
recognition of his ident.i.ty.
I didn't say it to him either. Only once or twice when I wrote a letter. Felt that
saying “I love you” was embarra.s.sing.
Chapter 12
Sleep this week was at its worst.
Clearly so tired, yet lying in bed I will fall into a half-asleep and half-awake
state, feeling drowsy. Occasionally I hear a loud voice, or suddenly think of
him. When I remember the past, my whole body immediately wakes up and
can't help thinking about things. I can't sleep anymore. I keep my eyes open
until dawn.
I have tried several times to get up in the middle of the night to read or surf
the Internet, and I feel tired again in less than half an hour. I lie back in bed,
but I still can't fall asleep.
When I was in college, I had developed this habit of being nocturnal. My
cla.s.smates all said that I was a night owl.
I have tried sleeping pills, but I don't like the feeling of waking up after taking
them.
After graduation, this habit had slowly been corrected, but recently there are
signs of repet.i.tion.
Chapter 13
There was a story I heard a long time ago. Every night, a widow would spill
out a hundred copper coins, and then look for them one by one. The corner
of the wall, the bottom of the bed, and so on. It lasted until dawn. Knowing
that it's because she was lonely, but it's only just awareness, the feeling
couldn't be felt.
It is only now when I think back on this story, that I feel sorrow.
Chapter 14
Now I am also almost in this situation. I can't sleep at night, but when I get
up, I will be dazed. I don't feel particularly sad. I just don't know what to do
to pa.s.s the time. Other than loneliness, he did not leave anything else
behind. When thinking of it, maybe many years later, it will make people feel
frightened and panicked, so there is fear. Maybe it would be impossible to
persist until thirty-five years old.
Chapter 15
In the past, in school in freshman year, living in the same dormitory, it was
the most ignorant and depressing time for the two of us.
One night, in my sleep, I suddenly shouted his name loudly twice. Then I
woke up and heard him answering sleepily in confusion. “Mn?”
Knowing that he was there, at that moment, I felt very at ease, turned over
and went back to sleep.
Chapter 16
When my sister was born to my nephew, she had a cesarean section. My
parents and brother-in-law were beside me and sent her to the delivery room.
Later, she said to me, “At that time, I had to know that your brother-in-law
was there before I could rest a.s.sured. In fact, even if he was there he can't
even do anything, he's not a doctor. Yet with just one look, I wasn't as afraid
anymore.”
This is what husband and wife mean to each other. With the name of
husband and wife, whether with love or not, they are naturally different from
others.
So I've heard many stories like this. No matter how bad a husband is to his
wife, she won't divorce. Because occasionally when waking up in the night,
knowing that there is a person beside her – a breathing live person – even if
it is useless or bad because compared to strangers and friends, he felt much
closer. Sometimes, the fact that he's there, is already deeply comforting.
Chapter 17
So I still fear. Family and children are fetters difficult to leave. If one day, he
really doesn't plan to leave her and intends to go on like this, what should I
do?
Chapter 18
Yesterday, I received an email from him. He said he missed me, said he liked
me and asked me not to blame him. Earnest words, with his broken
penmanship, this was probably the best thing he had ever written in his life.
Over and over again, I kept reading, my heart full of mixed feelings. The
decision had already been made, and you say this now.
After a brief retelling to a friend, I said sadly, “Look at this man, saying he
likes me, yet making me feel so sad.”
Chapter 19
I don't blame him, really. Just, uncountable regrets and feelings.
We haven't talked about the future in depth. Many things, needless to say,
are too clear. I know what kind of person he is. I know that he will definitely
get married in the future. It was doomed from the beginning.
He is a sophisticated man who will not confront himself with the whole
custom. If there are no eyes from the outside world, maybe we could have
gone on quietly. But there will always be some gossip. The higher the
position, the more attention they will receive.
Chapter 20
He's probably been bothered with invitations recently, whether to send me
one or not. Every time I think of this, I can't help laughing, thinking of how
difficult he feels, and his silly face.
Several cla.s.smates that have good relationships will come from other cities
to attend the wedding. If they don't see me, they will ask questions. After all,
everyone knows that we continued living together after graduation.
In the end, I decided not to go. He is going to marry someone else. He can't
expect me to smile and say, “Congratulations, wish you a hundred years of
love.” That's too cruel of a request.
T/N: Some CN readers say to read this as a story, and don't think too deeply
about its reality. In a way, it'll be less painful if this story was fictional. Love is
a poisonous medicine, capable of hurting yet healing at the same time. It's
quite a scary thing, if you think about it.
Chapter 21
Before ten years old, my family and grandparents were neighbors, so it can
be considered that they watched me grow up.
Later Grandpa moved away and moved to Uncle's place. He once commented
to others on my sister and me, “Those girls are no match, but her son, ideas
that are straight.”
Straight ideas, means valuing individuality and not listening to what others
have to say, not sure how I got this evaluation.
My mother agreed, saying that I follow a path to the end, and won't turn back
unless I hit a wall.
Especially now that I'm older, she doesn't care much about me. Occasionally,
she would rush me to find a girlfriend, saying that if a man did not have a
woman to take care of him, his life would be much shorter. Att.i.tude is still
gentle, knowing that it has always been what she says, I do not refute. But
finishing her words, start saying what I have to do and do what; agreeing
outwardly but disagreeing inwardly
I have spoken to her tentatively several times, saying that I have n.o.body
I'm looking to, that I can't even help it myself, that it's even more impossible
to marry someone else, and that I'd spend my whole life alone.
She was worried.
But celibacy is always more acceptable than h.o.m.os.e.xuality. In the small
town of my home place, it's closed off and backward. They probably never
even heard of how two men can fall in love, or they will simply refuse to
believe that there is such a thing in the world.
Chapter 22
Recently I have been thinking about whether I should leave this city, because
I stayed here because of him. Now that he's gone, I should go too. Staying
here, I will always be aware that he is not far away, surrounded by his wife,
and maybe in the near future a child.
Maybe I should go to Beijing, change environments, and be closer to home.
I don't know what the future will be like. Perhaps I will avoid all the news
about him deliberately.
More than anyone else in the world, I eagerly hope that he will be happy. But,
remembering that I have no share in this happiness, I still feel very sad.
Chapter 23
The post 'Six Chapters of a Floating Life', which I had published in the past,
was pushed to the top again. Comparing it now, I can only sigh lightly.
At that time, it was so happy, the sky was so blue, the trees were so green,
everything seemed like it was singing. On the surface saying that I dare not
dream of ‘forever', I was only purposely making a stand.
Remembering what he said, “Left and right, it's only a lifetime. It's better to
find a nice looking one.”
Words still in my ears, but I have fallen from the sky to the ground.
Chapter 24
The good news is that a cla.s.smate from far north took a two-night train, and
was on a two-week vacation.
As mentioned in the six chapters of floating life, amongst all the former
students, he was the only one who knew the inside story. When he
graduated, I even wrote him a half-thanking and half-ridiculous piece of “Not
knowing enough”. Half of the paper was about talent and love. Everyone
laughed and chatted.
Several graduate students who worked in the local area heard that he had
arrived and planned to reunite. Being drunk was a catch-up.
He resolutely refused the invite. “Who said I came for a wedding?”
Chapter 25
We used to laugh that he was more self-sufficient than ascetic monks. Four
years in college, he slept on time and woke up on time, never saw a movie,
never bought snacks, never skipped cla.s.s.
Respectful to everyone, and even when he was shopping, he was always
alone. So when he was a senior, he asked me to accompany him to Ding
w.a.n.g Tai to look for books. I was shocked and flattered.
He let out his thoughts and said that he hadn't come back for a long time, so
he pulled me to be the strongman. Neither of us were going to the wedding.
To be honest, I feel relieved. If I don't take part in the wedding, it wouldn't
be good. If I went, it would be equal to sending my body to someone for
dismembering. Some people say that the pain will be extreme, the wound will
heal faster. But I can't guarantee that I can bear it.
Hearing the news that hubby was going to get married, he came all the way
from the northeast to accompany me. He took the whole thing over and
pulled me out of it. I am grateful to him from the bottom of my heart.
Everyone thought that he had issues with hubby and asked a lot of questions.
They were planning to try to reconcile him with hubby and even called hubby
to make amends.
Ignoring all of that, he dragged me around the city for two days, revisited
memories.
Chapter 26
Recently my sleep condition is still not good. Eyes are dry and painful, and
any amount of eyedrops was useless.
Yesterday we came back from shopping, I felt very tired and laid on the sofa
with my eyes closed.
He sat across the table and asked me how I felt.
This is the first time that we have discussed this matter straight-on. Although
he knew it before, he would not ask us the details of our relationship, nor
would I tell him about it. He's 100% heteros.e.xual and feels awkward on this
topic, and I'm afraid it will make him uncomfortable or annoyed.
But except for him, I had no other person to speak to. When I heard his voice
of pity for me, I burst into tears. Always bottling in and resisting, trying to
pretend that nothing happened, mood was always grey, it even became a
habit. I had no way to cry out happily, but tears keep pouring out, choking
me breathless. I said to him, “I feel so heartbroken.”
Chapter 27
He had nothing to say. Even the best of friends in the matter of two people
have a limited degree of involvement.
After talking, I said I would wait until I turned thirty-five years old, and he
strongly opposed it, saying it was a very impractical plan.
Chapter 28
Emotion is an unrealistic thing, when you like this person, it's not because he
is good, he is handsome, or he is rich. Additionally, he is not handsome at all,
and he has no money. I know his shortcomings more clearly than others. He
procrastinates and always waits for things to come before he starts. He is
stupid, he can never learn English well, even a little slippery.
But I still liked him, not sure since when, and there were no additional
conditions.
“Nan Kang, Nan Kang, grow up quickly,” someone said in the replies.
I can grow up, and be like many others, find a suitable person to live with,
maybe not someone I like very much, but over time, we can always cultivate
some true feelings, or we can easily say ‘break up' and find another.
Or just be the most practical person, hug and kiss at night, and become
strangers at dawn.
Of course, I can do that. I'm just afraid, everything, can't overcome this one,
because it's not him, I wake up with only doubled emptiness and loneliness.
So most of the time, it's not that I'm willing to wait, but that I have no choice
but to wait – know this person who makes you like this much, you might not
meet another one in this life.
Chapter 29
People often say that time is the greatest, everything will be wiped out by it,
whether it's happiness or sadness, everything will eventually pa.s.s in the end.
I can only move forward slowly. Maybe many years later, I will recall all kinds
of things today. At that time, I may have someone else in my heart.
Maybe I'm still waiting, but I won't remember why I persevered.
Or maybe, he has come back to me.
Chapter 30
You see the people coming and going on the streets, each is in a hurry. They
meet, but only look on indifferently. No one can see the story behind others,
no one knows in the heart of others, if there was also someone like this living
in it?
(Waiting Until Thirty-five Years Old) Story End