You’re reading the free edition of Is My Kid the Asshole?

My advice is founded on time-

intensive science reporting, so if you find it helpful, please consider becoming a paid
subscriber for just $5 a month or $50 a year. You’ll be supporting my work, helping
other parents, and you’ll get to enjoy my threads and subscriber-only posts.

Three Parenting Lessons I Learned On Vacation

With My Kids
Take advantage of life's rare idle moments.

Melinda Wenner Moyer

Apr 19

Hello, everyone! I’m finally back from our spring break trip, which happened in a
different place than it was supposed to, and lasted longer than it was supposed to. A
true adventure.

The short story: We had plans to visit my parents in Florida, but the day before we were
meant to leave, my Dad tested positive for Covid. (He’s fully recovered now and just
fine, thank goodness.) We were then faced with a dilemma: Should we stay home all
week, or should we pivot and travel somewhere else? I’d had a particularly gnarly week
that involved unsavory happenings on social media, so I was all for finding a new
destination far away from my desk. And find one we did: We changed our flights to
Turks and Caicos and left the next morning.

Also! While that was happening, I got to share some exciting news over social media,
which is that I’m now writing the Well newsletter for The New York Times. I’m thrilled. (If
you want to subscribe and get weekly healthy advice from me in your inbox, click here.)
 My family on the beach in Turks & Caicos.

We had a grand time on vacation. The beaches in Turks and Caicos are exquisite —
soft pink sand and the most turquoise water I’ve ever seen. We had planned to fly home
on Wednesday afternoon so that I could teach on Thursday, but — surprise! — our flight
got cancelled. JetBlue put us up in a beautiful 5-star hotel, so we got to stay a little
longer, and we certainly did not complain abut being stranded in the Caribbean (though
I was sorry to have to miss class).

Today I want to share three key tips I learned from our trip (other than OMG, you have
to reapply sunscreen a LOT in the Caribbean) that stemmed from memorable moments
we shared while dining out together.

1. If kids broach an important (and/or awkward) topic in a not-so-elegant way,

don’t shut them down or ignore them.

While we were having lunch one day at a restaurant that had a basketball game on TV
in the background, my 10-year-old pointed out that one of the teams had a score of 69.
He then giggled and emphatically repeated the number —“69!!!!” — and I realized he
was making a veiled reference to oral sex. Reader, I did not know that he knew anything
about oral sex.

There are many ways I could have responded to him. I could have run away screaming;
ignored his comment in the hopes he would never bring it up again; or told him that his
sexual reference was inappropriate. All of these would have sent a pretty clear
message: Don’t talk about sex with us. I knew I didn’t want to send that message,
because I want my kids to know that they can come to us with questions or concerns
about sex or any other awkward or confusing topic.

So I took a deep breath and said — in my calmest, most nonchalant voice, even though
I was not feeling calm or nonchalant at all — “Oh, so you know what 69 is?”

He then replied in a duh tone as if I were asking if he knew who Dua Lipa was: “Yes!!!!”
I replied: “OK, cool. Well, if you have any questions about it, you are welcome to ask me
or Dad.”

Well, it turned out he did have questions about it, and at that point, he rather un-self-
consciously launched into his queries. Suddenly, we were that family having a
conversation about oral sex at a restaurant. But you know what? That’s fine. I don’t care
what the other people at the restaurant thought of us. I do care that my kids feel like
they can talk to us about sex. (And yes, my partner and I were honest about what oral
sex is. Research suggests that when parents have open and receptive conversations
about sex, their kids are less likely to have sex during adolescence.) My son’s reference
to 69 was a tween-y attempt to start a conversation about a concept he didn’t quite
understand, and it was, I suspect, a test to see how we would react. I like to think we
passed.

After we finished talking, I reiterated to my kids that they should always feel welcome to
come to us with questions about sex or other confusing topics. (Although I secretly hope
that next time, it doesn’t happen in public.)

2. When kids nag you about things they want, engage with them about your
concerns.

My 10-year-old really, really, really, really wants a smartphone. At another meal out —
breakfast this time — he made a quip about his desire for said phone, and it was
another comment I could have responded to in a number of ways, including with a curt
reply like Stop talking about phones, because you’re not getting one anytime soon.

But then I realized: We were at a restaurant, waiting for our food, with nowhere else to
go. Why not have an actual conversation about the issue?

I started by asking him: Why do you want a phone? He replied that he wanted to be
able to use social media — Instagram, Facebook, YouTube and Tiktok. Then my
partner and I asked more follow-up questions. Once we understood what he wanted
and why, we began to explain our perspective, including our concerns. We talked about
FOMO, about the performative nature of social media, about privacy, about
misinformation, about data collection. I also talked about the kinds of skills my son
would need to demonstrate in order to use social media safely and responsibly.

It felt like a productive family breakfast meeting, and the best part was that my 10-year-
old initiated it himself. The next time your kid brings up something that makes you want
to roll your eyes — not this again — consider whether it might actually be an opportunity
for you to share and discuss your values. (Also: I do not judge those of you who allow
your kids to have phones. I really don’t. Every family has different priorities, needs and
values. Feel free to substitute this particular request / topic with another one that feels
more relevant.)

3. Play games with kids to help them develop key skills.

One evening towards the end of our vacation, at yet another restaurant (I do not want to
look at our credit card bill this month), our kids were famished and our meals were
taking a long time to arrive. So I invented a game that I knew the kids would enjoy —
and would also be educational — called the Body Language Game.

Here’s how the game works: One person picks an emotion and silently acts it out using
facial expressions and body language. Each person gets one guess, in turn, as to what
the emotion is, with guesses continuing until someone gets it right. When I chose to act
“tired,” I yawned and put my head on my hands. When my daughter acted out
“annoyed,” she pouted and rolled her eyes. (She’s very good at that one. Lots of
experience.)

Why did I choose to focus on body language? Emotional literacy serves as the
foundation for so many other skills, including generosity and helpfulness. In order for
kids to engage with others appropriately and kindly, they need to be able to read body
language and facial expressions and understand what other people feel and need. (For
more on the connection between emotional literacy and kindness, read my book.)

Not only does this game teach kids about body language, it also teaches them about
emotions they may not have heard of before. When my husband was smiling goofily in
one of his enactments, I guessed “elated,” and my daughter asked me what that meant.
The Body Language Game is fun and silly (everyone was laughing) and teaches key
emotional skills. The next time you’re stuck at a table with your family, try it — or make
up your own game to reinforce a skill you think is especially important.