LAWRENTIAN

The Student Newspaper of Lawrence University Since 1884

THE
VOL. CXLI NO. 22 Appleton, Wisconsin May 13, 2022

Lawrence faces infrastructure issues

Jacob Deck building prompted fa- service for the entirety open doors. said senior Mikayla one does anything to
Staff Writer cility services personnel of Spring term. VP for According to Bradley Frank-Martin, co-chair clean it up,” Thompson
________________________
to investigate the space, Student Life Chris Card Short from LogCheck. of the Lawrence Uni- said. “It’s frustrating
Lawrence University which they could not en- reported to the LUCC org, emergency repairs versity Student Welfare to have people come to
has been experiencing ter due to smoke. The af- Student Welfare Com- after an infrastructure Committee. work on this and still be
a variety of infrastruc- fected power lines were mittee on Wednesday, failure, like the ones Frank-Martin, a dealing with the issue.”
ture challenges due to quickly shut down to al- May 9 that it would most performed on both the trombone performance The university has
maintenance that has low fire department per- likely stay out of opera- broken steam and wa- major, also stated that made plans to address
been routinely deferred, sonnel with appropriate tion until the end of the ter pipes and the mal- repairs to plumbing in this backlog. According
according to two anony- breathing apparatus to academic year, since a functioning high-voltage the conservatory were to sources close to facil-
mous sources familiar safely access the space, recently ordered replace- cable, are frequently complicated by the age of ity services, President
with Lawrence’s facili- and contractors were ment part failed during much more expensive the pipes making it diffi- Laurie Carter has made
ties. According to those brought in to repair the installation. than preventative main- cult to find replacement plans to put money from
sources, this was one of damaged cable. On Wednesday, taince performed before parts. the university’s endow-
the causes of an under- While power was March 8, a water main a failure. Attempts to cut First-year Lillian ment towards acceler-
ground electrical fire restored to other cam- burst near the Wriston costs by deferring need- Thompson also com- ating work on campus
that knocked out power pus buildings by Fri- Arts Center, necessitat- ed repairs can therefore plained about plumbing facilities as part of the
to half of campus earlier day, April 15, the library ing a multi-day closure result in higher costs, malfunctions on campus, Strategic Investment Ini-
this year. stayed shut down until of the building. as expensive repairs re- saying that breakdowns tiative.
The fire, which be- Friday, April 16 as emer- In 2019, a steam pipe place less-expensive pre- are routine in Draheim Upcoming proj-
gan on Thursday, April gency repairs continued. running under Main Hall ventative maintenance. Hall, where they live. ects include replacing
14, was caused by a mal- The electrical in- Green failed, requiring a Multiple students They talked specifically the pedestrian bridge
function in a high volt- cident on April 14 was months-long closure of expressed frustration at about the bathrooms in over South Drew Street
age electric cable supply- not the only recent high- the green as a space as minor failures on cam- Draheim. between Colman and
ing power to the Seely G. profile failure of campus new pipe was laid in a pus, especially in cam- “Many times, I will Ormsby residence halls
Mudd Library. infrastructure. trench. pus plumbing. “Unfortu- wake up in the morning and repairs to the HVAC
At approximately 2 Due to a broken part, Students have also nately [maintenance] is and go into the bathroom system in the Music-
p.m. that day, reports the main student eleva- complained about a lack really difficult right now and see a bunch of water Drama Center and Con-
of fluctuating power tor in the Warch campus of elevators and acces- because facility services on the ground that can’t servatory.
levels inside the library center has been out of sible paddle switches to is very [under]staffed,” reach the drain, and no

LUNA hosts event to honor

Missing and Murdered
Indigenous Women, Girls, and
Two-Spirit People
Nathan Wall from the Waking Wom- history remains masked. women is murder. She
News Editor en’s Healing Institute, a She made the connection then talked about the
________________________
support group for Native between politicians pass- generational trauma
Lawrence Univer- American victims of gen- ing laws banning discus- caused by violence. Pictures from the exhibit displaying the Red Hand.
sity Native Americans dered violence. Gralewicz sions about U.S. history Gralewicz also talked
Photo by Alana Melvin.
(LUNA) hosted an event gave the main speech of and the ways in which the about climate change,
on Main Hall Green to the event. stories we tell in our so- and how the violation
honor and mourn Miss- Gralewicz began her ciety mask crimes against of the Earth is tied to
ing and Murdered Indig- speech by talking about indigenous people. She violence against people,
enous Women (MMIW) Hanna Harris, a North- used the example of the citing the correlation
on Wednesday, May 4. ern Cheyenne woman Disney movie “Pocahon- between oil exploration
May 5 is the National Day who was murdered in tas”. on Native lands and the
of Awareness for Missing July 2013. May 5 is Har- “While not all of In- violence against Indig-
and Murdered Indig- ris’s birthday. She talked digenous history is U.S. enous women, girls and
enous Women, Girls and about the importance of history, all of U.S. history two-spirit people that
Two-Spirit people (MMI- the color red to the MMI- is Indigenous history,” follows those pipelines’
WG2S). WG2S, which she said said Gralewicz. construction routes. She
The event was titled represents danger as well Gralewicz connect- called out politicians in
“Unmasking Ourselves: as love. ed this to the fact that Minnesota and Wiscon-
Who Are We?” and began Gralewicz went on the vast majority of In- sin for allowing the Line
with a land acknowledge- to talk about the title of digenous women, girls 3 and Line 5 pipelines.
ment from senior Taneya the event, “Unmasking and queer people have Gralewicz’s speech
Garcia, President of Ourselves,” and what it faced violence and that was followed by a perfor-
LUNA. Garcia then intro- means to her. She talked the third leading cause mance of the Jingle
duced Renee Gralewicz about how a lot of our of death for Indigenous Red dresses are a symbol of MMIWG2S Day, celebrated on May 5.
See page 2 Photo by Alana Melvin.

Sports Variety Features A&E Op-Ed

WEEK
THIS

Chicago Bulls season An Exploration of Local Government “Between Heaven and It’s time to start polluting
recap Targeted Advertising Feature: Denise Fenton Earth” Marissa Lake’s... the Fox River again
PAGE 3 PAGE 5 PAGE 7 PAGE 8 PAGE 11
2 NEWS
LUNA hosts... targeted by violence.
First-year Ce-
continued from page 1
sar Donaire, who is a
member of LUNA, was
Dress Dance, in which
grateful to everyone
Indigenous students
who came to the event.
from Lawrence as well
“It was an incred-
as people of all ages
ibly meaningful event
who came from off
that we put effort and
campus to the event
love into,” Donaire
danced and played mu-
said.
sic in this healing cere-
LUNA also put up
mony that is important
exhibits in the Diver-
to the Ojibwe people.
sity & Intercultural
Deborah Martin,
Center (D&IC) and on
an Indigenous woman
the second floor of the
from off campus who
Buchanan Kiewit Well-
attended the event,
ness Center. Both ex-
stated that she came
hibits had information
to support all Indig-
explaining things like
enous people and bring
the symbolic meaning
awareness to Native
of the red dress and the
American women and
red hand and included
queer people who are
a statistic that accord-
PAO hosting series of events
for AAPI History Month
Marzuka Amal non-Western notions
Staff Writer of queerness, Palestine,
_______________________
disembodied memory
and identity.
Pan-Asian Organi-
The second event
zation (PAO) is hosting
is a Bollywood Movie
events every Saturday
Night, PAO’s first ever
in May for Asian Ameri-
event featuring South
can and Pacific Islander
Asian roots, will be hap-
(AAPI) Heritage Month.
pening on Saturday May
Lawrence’s AAPI Heri-
14 from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m.
tage Month is a celebra-
PAO is serving Indian
tion of Asian Americans
food from the restaurant
and Pacific Islanders’ di-
Sai Ram. This event is
verse identities and his-
RSVP only and filled up
tory, according to event
its capacity in less than
coordinator of PAO,
a day. The movie be-
sophomore Jahanvi
ing played is a surprise
Pradhan.
and was not revealed by
On Saturday, May
Pradhan.
7 from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m.,
The third event is on
PAO hosted a Palestin-
Saturday May 21 from 2
ian-American Poetry
p.m. to 3:15 p.m. at the
reading in the Warch
Diversity and Intercul-
Cinema to start off the
tural Center (D&IC).
month.
PAO is collaborating
The speaker was
with COLORES to have
George Abraham, a
an open discussion on
queer Palestinian poet.
the intersection of AAPI
They shared their ex-
& LGBTQI+ identity.
perience of being queer
The other event co-
and Palestinian and
ordinator of PAO, first-
used poetry readings
year Isabel Dorn, ex-
to navigate queer and
pressed her excitement
Palestinian culture and
with the event as a queer
history. The poetry fo-
Asian student navigat-
cused on the intersec-
ing college and having
tion of diasporic and
a similar experience as
May 13, 2022
THE LAWRENTIAN
ing to the National
Crime Information
Samir Datta hired as VP for
Finance and Administration
Center there are over
5,000 cases of MMI-
WG2S, and most are
unsolved. Nathan Wall dents starting in 2026. May 13. According to
The exhibit in the News Editor Noonan noted that him, the issue of Law-
D&IC features several _______________________
her leaving is part of a rence’s deferred main-
LUNA members pos- Vice President for larger trend in staff turn- tenance has come up in
ing underneath the Finance and Administra- over at Lawrence, which conversations during this
Otāēciah statue with tion Mary Alma Noonan she believes is fueled in transition period.
red hands painted on handed over her role to part by stress due to the Datta is not entirely
their faces, as well as Samir Datta on Monday, COVID-19 pandemic as sure what his tenure will
several art posters cre- May 2. Noonan has been well as a presidential look like, since he only
ated by Native Ameri- at Lawrence since August transition. recently arrived at Law-
can students from of 2020. Noonan only recently rence, but discussed his
Appleton West and The Vice President met Datta but is confi- broader goals for the in-
Appleton East High for Finance and Admin- dent that he has the skills stitution. Datta said that
School, who also put up istration oversees uni- to handle the job. he hopes to do what he
posters in the Wellness versity finances, Human “I think he’ll do a can to provide the best
Center exhibit. Resources, Information great job,” said Noonan. experience possible for
Technology (IT) services “Lawrence will be in good Lawrence students dur-
and other campus servic- hands.” ing a challenging time.
es such as facilities. Noonan added that He emphasized that
Datta has many years she loved her time at Lawrence has to focus on
of experience in the pub- Lawrence and the people its students if it wants to
lic and private finance she met here. Although be successful and wants
sector and spent almost
she is not sure about her to do what he can
seven years working with future plans, she hopes to to provide students
the state of Wisconsin’s work at a school similar with the best experience
pension fund.
to Lawrence, which she possible.
Datta stated that he referred to as a “wonder- Datta hopes that
was interested in Law- ful institution.” the Lawrence he leaves
rence in part because it’s Currently, Noonan eventually will be a better
a 175-year-old institution is assisting Datta in the institution than the Law-
with a highly regarded transition, including the rence he arrived at.
other queer and AAPI academic program that upcoming Spring 2022 “Hopefully, our fi-
students. also has a lot of chal-
Board of Trustees meet- nances are better,” said
“The format of the lenges to face. Two of the ing, and Datta is hoping Datta. “Hopefully, the
event will be breaking challenges he identified
that this transition will state of our facilities is
people up into small were aging facilities and
finalize after the meeting better. Hopefully, stu-
groups to have their dis- a projected nationwide
and President Carter’s dents feel happier at
cussions, so people feel decline in the number of
inauguration on Friday, Lawrence.”
more comfortable,” said prospective college stu-
Dorn. “Then [we will
come] back to the big-
ger group and listen to
everyone’s experiences.
[The event will be] mod-
erated by myself and
members of COLORES.”
On Saturday, May
27 from 5 p.m. to 7
p.m., PAO is hosting
the concluding event,
Pan-Asian Game night
in the Somerset Room
of the Warch Campus
Center. The games that
will be played represent
popular games from nu-
merous states. The cho-
sen games are “Popup
Blackbeard Pirate,” a
Korean game; “Hmong
Ball Toss,” originating
from Hmong people;
“Kendama,” from Ja-
pan; “Pickup Jack,”
from the Philippines;
and “Gatti”, from Nepal.
Prizes such as choco-
lates will be given out to
the winners. Headshot submitted by Samir Datta.
May 13, 2022
Sean McLaughlin
Staff Writer
______________________________
With just three game weeks left,
the Premier League still has one final
relegation place left ready to doom
a side to a season in the second tier.
Relegation can be very damaging for
a club in a number of ways: their best
players leave, and finances are severe-
ly impacted by decreased revenues,
which can lead to a sustained drop
off in performances and results in the
long term. Nottingham Forrest, once
a giant of the English game and twice
European Champions in the 1980s,
were relegated in 1999 and have yet
to return to the glitz and glamor of
the English topflight. Derby County
came up in 2007 only to go straight
back down, and their efforts since
have led to overspending that has
sent them into bankruptcy and now
a relegation to the third tier. Ports-
mouth ran into financial troubles
when they were relegated in 2010 and
dropped all the way into League Two,
the fourth tier of the English profes-
sional pyramid. Such are the pos-
sible consequences of relegation for
Everton, Burnley, and Leeds if they
are to go down this season. As things
stand, Leeds and Burnley sit on 34
Tom Powers
Staff Writer
_____________________________
How are Bulls fans feeling right
about now? I, for one, am happy. Over
time, my emotional investment in the
team has decreased significantly. As a
young, wide-eyed fan growing up an
hour outside of Chicago, I had sev-
eral years of championship hopes for
a memorable Bulls roster led by 2011
MVP Derrick Rose, who is one of the
most exciting and dynamic athletes I
have seen this century. Their playoff
runs were thwarted several times by
one LeBron James, and after Rose’s
debilitating knee injuries stunted him
from his MVP-caliber play, the Bulls
faded into mediocrity. As I entered
my adolescence, I began to inject my
hopes with a healthy dose ofr realism.
Is this a sign of growth and maturity,
or is it simply emotional numbness
caused by a decade of mediocrity? It’s
hard to say, but entering this season
I felt a glimmer that I hadn’t felt in a
decade.
Antonio Gonzalez
Staff Writer
______________________________
UFC 274 took place last Satur-
day on May 7th in Phoenix Arizona’s
Footprint Center and boasted a sold-
out arena. The event put the light-
weight and strawweight titles on the
line, featuring long awaited bouts
from fan favorite fighters all around.
The event, overall, was a bag of mixed
feelings from many fans as the main
events either had someone put to
sleep or had the fans asleep. But,
when the card did deliver, the atmo-
sphere was electric.
First up out of the three fights
that ended the night is the long-
awaited return of Tony Ferguson
who squared off against the ever
dangerous, Michael Chandler. The
fight was electric from the start as
the two big personalities had been
back and forth during the lead up to
the fight. Both fighters were coming
Premier League relegation battle
points having played 35 matches,
while Everton have 35 points having
played a game less. Leeds occupy
the final relegation place on goal
difference alone. This week, I’ll look
at each side’s remaining fixtures and
attempt to predict who will go down
alongside the already relegated clubs
Norwich City and Watford.
Leeds are in this relegation scrap
on the basis of one major factor: they
have a porous defense. Only Norwich,
13 points lower down, have conceded
more than their 74 goals with 75 al-
lowed. This is the reason for Leeds’
awful goal difference of -34, which
sees them essentially a point back of
Burnley. They will need to end the
season on more points than one of
the other two sides, as remaining tied
will see them relegated on goal differ-
ence as the first tie breaker.
Leeds have three matches re-
maining, against the likes of Chelsea,
Brighton, and Brentford. Beginning
with the Chelsea match, this one is
tough to predict. Normally, Chelsea
would wipe the floor with the de-
fensively hapless Leeds. However,
they have slipped into a poor run of
form in recent weeks, allowing for
the possibility of a scrappy Leeds
performance with the relegation-
Chicago Bulls season recap
For once, Chicago made excel-
lent off-season plays, most notably
scoring DeMar DeRozan. DeRozan
was my favorite player to watch this
year. Admittedly, I had not really seen
him play in San Antonio, but had al-
ways liked his game in his early years
with the Raptors. I was excited for the
DeRozan signing, but truthfully did
not expect the play that I saw from
him this season. His mid-range game
was elite, probably the best in the
league this year. I have heard that the
mid-range game is dead in the NBA,
seeing as so many players can shoot
the three-pointer and the degree of
difficulty for mid-range shots is not
worth it for only two points. This is
definitely not the case, though. If a
player has a skill that they can utilize
as effectively as DeRozan does his
mid-range game, there is a place for it
in the league. Some of the more excit-
ing moments this season as a Bulls fan
came from watching DeRozan operate
in a one-on-one late in the shot clock.
UFC 274 recap
off multiple-fight losing streaks and
had something to prove. The first
round opened, and it looked like the
old Tony Ferguson was back to his
old “boogeyman” ways when he tore
up the lightweight division during
his 12-fight win streak. Ferguson was
throwing his patented deadly elbows,
looking to cut up Chandler and make
the fight messy. Ferguson showed
sharp boxing although his striking
has always been a bit awkward, and
he managed to get a clean strike on
Chandler in the middle of the round
which sat him down. Chandler was
able to secure a takedown later in
the round a keep Ferguson down.
But Ferguson, being Ferguson, was
quick to take his bottom position
as a leverage to throw elbows to the
skull of Chandler who quickly had
to turn his offense into defense until
the bell rang. It looked like Ferguson
was back to his old ways as he smiled
coming off the ground, but this ex-
SPORTS
THE LAWRENTIAN
threatened side taking a point or
even three. However, Chelsea does
still have the incentive of securing
their Champions League place. I’m
predicting a wild 2-2 draw. Brigh-
ton, on the other hand, are flying
high and dreaming of a top-half fin-
ish after beating Manchester United
4-0. Given their solid defense, heavy
possession statistics, and poor finish-
ing, I think Brighton will walk out
with a 2-1 win with Raphinha scoring
early on the counter for Leeds before
two Brighton team goals in the sec-
ond half secures a win. Finally, the
Brentford fixture is also tough. They
are a bottom half side and rightly so
based on their performances, but the
match takes place at Brentford, which
is a tough place to go. Big teams like
Arsenal have gone to the Community
Stadium and lost, and they are gen-
erally a tough side to break down. I
think Brentford, already safe, will be
a bit off the pace they normally de-
fend at, and Leeds will scrape a 2-1
win to give themselves hope.
Burnley only still have a chance
at this point in the season for reason-
ing opposite to that in favor of Leeds:
they are one of the best defensive
sides in the league. Sean Dyche may
be gone now, but his DNA is still all
It is difficult to keep track of the varia-
tions in his mid-range bag, from the
half-spins, contested fadeaways and
pull-ups. DeRozan’s sense of timing is
impeccable, showing growth from his
time in Toronto.
Other notable pickups for the
Bulls included Lonzo Ball, an excel-
lent playmaking guard who I view as a
sort of defensive anchor. There’s also
the hard-nosed, athletic guard Alex
Caruso, who started a career-high 18
games for Chicago. There was more to
celebrate, like the fact that they got rid
of players I had wanted out of Chicago
for years, including Lauri Markannen,
Denzel Valentine and Tomas Satoran-
sky. Their draft pick of Ayo Dosunmu
from the University of Illinois panned
out very well, as the rookie put up
solid minutes on a talented team and
showed a lot of potential for his future
in the league. The one player that hurt
the most to lose was Thaddeus Young,
a glue-guy who I had grown to love
during his time as a Bull.
citement was short lived as the fight
would end soon in the second round.
As the second round was underway,
Chandler was able to back Ferguson
down in the first 10 seconds where
he threw the final strike of the fight,
landing the most devastating snap
front kick on the chin of Ferguson.
Ferguson, expecting a body shot, low-
ered his guard and found the ball of
Chandler’s foot sending his chin into
his brain. In highlight fashion, Fergu-
son was knocked out cold for the first
time in his career. To add backflips to
injury, Chandler proceeded to do four
consecutive backflips before calling
out Conor McGregor. To be fair to
Ferguson, he was looking like his old
self until he got hit with a strike that
would likely put anyone out. Fans of
the sport were ambushed with mixed
feelings seeing a legend like Ferguson
go out, but this will not likely be the
end of Ferguson’s career as he still
sits in the top 10 of the lightweight
over the club’s bread and butter rigid
4-4-2 formation. In Maxwell Cornet
and Wout Weghorst, they have just
about enough goal threat to scrape
some 1-0 wins and 1-1 draws. Their
remaining matches are against Tot-
tenham, Villa, and Newcastle. The
Spurs game is an easy one: Totten-
ham will run out 3-0 winners as they
seek a Champions League place, with
Antonio Conte’s fluid football seeing
Tottenham wear down the Burnley
backline. The Villa game is tricker,
as they have just played Villa this
week and lost 3-1. However, by the
second-to-last game week, Villa will
be safely in mid-table while Burnley
will still have reason to play. Given
manager Mike Jackson will have seen
Steven Gerrard’s tactics by then, I see
no reason a resilient Burnley won’t
be able to secure a 1-1 draw. Their
final match against Newcastle will be
tougher. Newcastle have nothing left
to play for, and as we saw in their re-
cent 5-0 loss to Manchester City, they
are very open at the back at times. I
am going to predict a bold 2-0 win for
Burnley against their former striker
Chris Wood, and that they save their
skin on the last day.
Everton being in this relega-
tion fight is a tragedy for them in
The regular season went pretty
well. As I said, DeRozan had an in-
credible year (arguably a top five play-
er this season), and Zach LaVine was
as good as ever. Chicago spent some
time at the top of the Eastern Confer-
ence. They were not the best team, and
the fans knew it, but they were talent-
ed to be sure, and it was fun to be on
top for a bit. For a bit, I felt that glim-
mer of hope. DeRozan and LaVine are
one of the best one-two punches in the
league, but I also didn’t genuinely feel
that they were a championship level
one-two punch. The supporting cast
was good, though. At least they were,
until key injuries to Ball, Caruso and
Patrick Williams stifled their season
further. Before I knew it, I looked up
and the Bulls were placed at a six seed.
The one NBA game I attended
this year was the Bulls’ final home
game this season, a 16-point loss to a
young and talented Hornets team. It
was a lackluster effort to be sure, and
an ominous sign entering the playoffs.
division with a lot of fight left in him.
The most uneventful event of
the night was the fight between Rose
Namajunas and Carla Esparza for the
Rose’s strawweight title. The fight
started and ended the same way:
very, very boring. The fight was a
back and forth of Namajunas going in
and out of range while feinting every
other second, landing the occasional
jab while Esparza, although being the
shorter fighter, pressured on, land-
ing strikes to the leg every now and
then and attempting takedowns here
and there. By the end of 25 minutes,
it looked like the two had gone for
a brisk jog. The judges were left to
score a fight that I am surprised they
were even awake for. Rose Namaju-
nas lost her belt to Esparza in a split
decision, but I felt like I was the true
loser for watching that whole thing.
The main event, kind of, put
the lightweight title on the line. In a
last-minute bit of drama on the scales
3
and of itself. After years of misman-
agement (see my previous week’s
article), one of the biggest sides in
the league is dangerously close to go-
ing down. However, I think they will
stay up. They are horrendous on the
road, but their form in recent weeks
has seen them win three of their last
five matches. They still need to play
four matches, but against a favorable
schedule. Their next three opponents
are Watford, Brentford, and Crystal
Palace. Watford are already down,
Brentford are essentially safe and I
have predicted them to slump in the
final few weeks, and Palace’s form has
been poor recently. I think Everton
will take a 4-0 win from Watford, the
momentum of which will carry them
to a tight 2-1 victory at home to Brent-
ford, by which point they’ll essential-
ly be safe. The Palace game will allow
them to play more freely without as
much pressure, though perhaps the
relaxation will hurt them; I foresee
a 1-1 draw. Finally, their last match
comes against Arsenal who will still
be fighting for a Champions League
place, so the Everton will slump to a
3-0 loss. Still, two wins will be more
than enough, especially with a draw
to help. Everton will be safe.
I wrote it off, figuring that the Bulls
were not invested in the game having
clinched a playoff seed already. How-
ever, the ominous signs that I picked
up in that Hornets’ game proved fore-
boding to their efforts in the postsea-
son. They were several steps behind
in their defensive rotations. More no-
table was the absence of Lonzo Ball’s
passing and perimeter defense. His
younger brother – Hornets’ guard
LaMelo Ball – had his way with the
Bulls, scoring at will against under-
sized guard Coby White and dicing up
rookie Ayo Dosunmu.
Did I feel hope entering the se-
ries against the reigning champion
Bucks? Truthfully, no. Giannis had yet
another MVP caliber season, and the
Bucks are simply the better team at
this point in time. The Bulls came into
the series with key injuries, which was
the story of their year. Entering this
series without expectation protected
me from the pain of a loss, which I saw
as inevitable.
during weigh-ins, Charles Oliveira
became the first ever champion to
lose his belt on the scale, missing
weight by 0.5lbs. Oliveira forfeited
his title and was not allowed to win it
back with a victory over Justin Gaeth-
je. Although the contender, Gaethje,
could still win the belt with a vic-
tory of the now “former” champion.
When it came fight night, the inten-
sity almost seemed to double over the
whole ordeal.
As the first and final bell rang,
the two fighters kept their prom-
ise to not back down to the other.
Oliveira was able to neutralize the
devastating leg kicks of Gaethje, but
not the hands. Gaethje landed once
on Oliveira, sending him quickly to
the ground. Gaethje did not go to the
ground with Oliveira to capitalize
on the situation as Oliveira’s ground
game is notoriously dangerous as he
holds the record for most submis-
See page 10
4 VARIETY May 13, 2022
THE LAWRENTIAN

The Cows Have Eyes

By Alexander Poplawski
Lawrence University Creative Writing Club Spring Serial Story: Part 5

It does not take an expert
fortune-teller such as I, Allison
Miller, to know that something is
drastically wrong with Potterfield’s
spiritual aura. Naturally, a town
where everyone knows everyone is
bound to cause unusual conjunc-
tions in the spirit realm — but this
is different. Ever since that Elliot
character started his dealings with
Mr. Bellarose, I have felt like some-
thing in the folk’s general aura has
shifted.
I was not surprised, really,
when he died. It was ordained, as
I explained to them last month. He
was dragged along by a party from
the Bellarose house, who came
to solicit my services after I quite
acutely predicted the details of Mr.
Bellarose’s little tumble down the
stairs. I predicted exactly which
foot would break — his right one, in
case you’re interested. Anyway, Mr.
Elliot and the rest came by, curious
for any other foresights I might
have into their affairs, of which
there were several.
“Do sit in this chair, sir,” I
said, gesturing to the chair beside
the tea-table, on which rested a
true gem of a crystal ball which I
had bought in New Zealand. Mr.
Elliot stiffly took a seat. I must
admit, I hardly suppressed a giggle
at how out –of place he seemed —
so business-like, amidst my best
finery. I sat opposite him.
“Now,” I began, clasping my
hands, “what do you see? Patterns?
Images? Like, animals?”
“Uh, no. Well… yeah, no.”
Elliot’s beady eyes blinked in vexa-
tion. “Well, perhaps, I kinda see
something that looks like it has
four legs.”
“Like a dog? Or perhaps a
horse? Cat? You sure? It is defi-
nitely not a big cat? Cow?”
“Close enough.” Mr. Elliot
shrugged, “Look, I really don’t get
this, I have a meeting to be at, Mr
Bellarose is expecting me to bring
the —”
“You will listen,” rasped
another man that came along. This
was a peculiar figure; tall, duck-
footed, always in the shadows.
Perhaps it was the light, or his
choice of dark gray suit, but his
skin seemed remarkably drained
for color, despite it not being par-
ticularly pale. But what really put
me in a loop was the darkness in
his eyes — like murky water, with
barely any whites.
“Look into it again.” I turned
back to Mr. Elliot, and this time,
I mirrored his gaze. It was time
to make the prediction. As Elliot
and I stared at each other through
the milky haze of quartz crystal, I
breathed in the sweet scent of his
spirit… closed my eyes…
Stars. Moon, and me. A cow
jumped over the moon. The cow’s
head spun like a pinwheel around
its neck, and its eye spun within its
socket; a system of spinning, like
the solar system. Milky Way. Now
the cow’s eye was a black hole.
Spinning. Upside-down. Stretches,
not quite like yoga. Space-time
continuum. Cow implodes, goes
into black hole. Event horizon; a
ring of light. It is shortening, no
longer a ring. One end becomes
a stick. Bright metal in a curve.
Scythe. Black hole has a cape.
Reaper. A cow will always die in
a black hole.
“Now that is preposterous!”
Elliot flustered. “I am in perfectly
good health! I am not about to tip
off into a coffin just yet! Seriously,
woman, what kind of buffoon do
you take me to be? Enough: I’m not
doing this anymore.”
“Don’t tell me I didn’t warn
you.” I shrugged, and the door
slammed behind him. The body-
guard, however, took his time to
follow. Even though he turned his
head, I could not shake the feel-
ing that his eyes were still piercing
my skin, gazing at me through the
back of his head. A chill hit me as
the tea kettle whistled, cups set up
for three.
As I said, no surprise they
bumped him off. I also predicted
that he would excrete a literal cow
pie in the process, but decided to
keep that to myself.
Even though I had succeeded
in predicting Mr. Elliot’s death, my
vision didn’t reveal who the killer
would be. So, I was tasked by the
mystical authority to talk to the
spirit of Mr. Elliot — to find out
who killed him. They wouldn’t let
me into the morgue, so I couldn’t
get near the body early, unfortu-
nately. But in my experience, even
a stale spirit still speaks. So I’ve
been out in the cemetery all night,
conjuring the ether in.
“By dawn of day, and nay of
night, by frosted hay and foggy
light, what dost your spirit say,
what is your plight?” My words
were but whispers, but I sensed
their power all the same. And as
the first early hint of light began to
caress the blades of grass around
me, I began to feel it too. The spirit
of Mr. Elliot; whose contract with
life was at a close, but who had bro-
ken his contract with death as well.
There it drifted, lingering on the
edge, with nowhere to rest. With a
deep breath thick with death, I saw
a silhouette before me, no features
distinguishable through the fog.
“Do not go back on your
word, Allison,” his rasping voice
penetrates me. “You have come to
listen to me: now you must do as
I say.”
A toss sends silver through
the air — a tube of lipstick. I apply
it. Bend, and kiss the grave. Soft
stone. E. Letters, words, note. Pen
and paper.
“Dictate what I say.”
Goodbye, my world. Goodbye,
my love. May we meet again when
the trumpets blow and the fallen
fly, for I truly loved you. Done
here. Rise, and see the sun also
rise through the fog. Ball of white.
Crystal ball. Elliot looking at me
through a crystal ball. Eyes every-
where. Big eyes. Not Elliot any-
more. Another man looking at me
through a crystal ball. Bodyguard.
Big, dark eyes, no whites to be
seen. Black, murky, hazy — event
horizon, black hole, space-time
continuum.
“Get it?” He is standing in the
fog, in front of the rising sun. Right
in front of me. “Have to say, I’m
really glad this works. Now I am
really sorry you got this far, since
we can’t allow you to go much fur-
ther. The police are behind me. I
will yell. And I will make you run.”
Seeing circles. But the man
has a mirror.
“Look.” His skin even more
saturated in the foggy light, a grin
sliding across his wide jaw, the
cow-eyed man holds out his mirror
so I can see my face and — by the
ether — I swear on my own spirit
and soul, I look just the same. Just
the same.
“STOP! STOP! POLICE!” A
shout rings in my ears, but I am
off. Running, running, away, down
the hill. Never looking back. Away.
I have four legs when I reach the
bottom.

Goosepimples Hungry Creature 5

Song of the Week: "Desert
Song" by säje
Last week, I got chills.
I wore shorts for the first time
since November of last year, and
the sun was warm on my legs as
they pumped the pedals of my bike.
The breeze was cool against the
back of my neck as I leaned and
wound my way side to side through
the park. Mostly, though, I listened.
The moment you reach the
desert
You realize she’s been singing
a song of life and love.
At the beginning of the ride,
I heard the honking of horns.
Engines revved up and occa-
sionally squeaked on the pave-
ment. Someone shook coins in a
little paper cup. A group laughed
together, and I heard their foot-
steps quicken and shuffle as they
stumbled in their joy. Pedestrian
lights beeped, and occasionally an
automated voice would remind us
that the walking sign was on. I also
heard the morning songs and chirps
of birds, increasingly so the further
we went. Little bells rang out in
short pings, followed often by the
rev of a tiny electric scooter or a
bike and the whoosh of air moving
past me.
As we approached the park, I
realized wind didn’t make a sound,
but as it moved through other
things and touched them, those
things made sounds instead. The
sound of wind picking leaves up
off the sidewalk and sending them
skittering back down is much dif-
By Madeleine Corum
ferent from the broad, low, rus-
tling applause of wind in leaf-filled
branches and the canopies of trees.
The car sounds faded when we
rode through the park gate, and in
their place, I heard the rhythmic
pad of running shoes and panting
breath. The faint, garbled, scratchy
sound of music came from some-
one’s headphones. The tinkling,
bright laughter of little children
was mixed with them bursting into
sobs when they tripped over their
untied shoes. Horse hooves clopped
a beat to the footsteps of joggers
and walkers. I heard my own breath
panting as I trudged on the uphills,
and on the downhills; I heard the
clicking of my bicycle spokes when
I stopped pedaling to glide, which
led to the slight whistle of the wind
passing by my ears as I picked up
speed. I heard a danceable pop song
blast from the speaker of a pedicab,
getting louder and louder until they
passed, and then slowly fading into
the distance.
To your surprise you’re sing-
ing with the desert
You’ve always known the
words to sing along.
Later, we parked the bikes and
sat down in the grass on a big hill.
I heard the smack and thud of kids
kicking a soccer ball against each
other’s shins and the big face of
a boulder. I heard the bark and
growl of dogs tussling with each
other. I heard the thwip of a stick
or a ball slicing through the air,
and the jangle of collars as other
dogs sped after their quarries. A
By Mara Logan
paintbrush swished and splashed
in water, and, faintly, soft brush
strokes against canvas followed it.
I heard the crunch of someone bit-
ing into their apple, and the crackle
and rustle of someone digging their
hand in a paper bag for their burger
and fries. Lying down in the grass
with my eyes closed, I heard the
trees again—not the wind, but the
trees. I heard the wood creak faintly
as the wind bent long, tall branches,
and the rustle of leaves shimmer-
ing against each other, laughing
amongst themselves at some joke
I could never understand, but that
still made me smile.
I listened to the sound of
Central Park, and I got chills.
I was in New York for two
more full days after that bike ride.
I stayed out late and had adven-
tures, I ate amazing meals and I saw
museums. The peace of the park
stayed with me through all of it. In
moments alone, I closed my eyes
and returned to the grass, listening
to the click of my bike spokes, the
shriek of children’s laughter and the
whoosh of the wind-tousled leaves
of trees. A Central Park sound-
scape, perhaps called so because of
how easily I can escape to it.
She’s calling, she’s calling, oh
she’s calling.
May 13, 2022
Aries: Go to Woodman's.
Buy any canned food that repulses
you. Eat that shit right out of the
can in the Woodman's parking
lot with your filthy paws. God
intended us to live this way.
Taurus: Catch the 8pm-Sat-
urday-night movie at your local
theater. Sit right by the projec-
tor and make little hand-shadow-
puppets. Then, people can watch
the movie and also see your hand
puppets.
Gemini: Open a blacksmith
shop where Lou’s Brew used to be.
We don’t need any more expen-
sive coffee. We need more candle-
sticks, armor, and nuts and bolts.
Cancer: Call your doctors
office and tell them you have a
BAD case of the giggles. Your doc-
tor will think you are so cute.
They might even cover your next
An Exploration of Targeted Advertising
Recently, I had the pleasure
of attending Randy Feltface’s
comedy performance at the
Skyline Comedy Club. It was
an all-around superb evening.
Feltface, a purple puppet brought
to life by Australian comedian
Heath McIvor, knocked it out of
the park. His set had not a single
dull moment and culminated in
the whole audience singing Neil
Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.”
There were only two sour
spots of the evening: first, the
comedy club ran out of root beer,
a fact I will hold against them and
Feltface himself until the end of
time. Second, and more impor-
tantly, for every wonderful min-
ute of this show, I was forced
to concede some of my gratitude
towards a targeted Facebook ad
that had informed me of Feltface’s
show and allowed me to buy tick-
ets.
Targeted ads are the norm
these days. It pains me to say they
can be quite effective — all it costs
is our privacy. The only question
is, how much privacy are we giv-
ing up when we use social media,
search engines, streaming servic-
es, etc.? To answer this question,
I decided to test the limits of my
data-divulging technology.
My first test was fairly
straightforward. Being in need of
a new pair of headphones, I did a
couple of searches through Google
to see what sort of products might
be best for my budget. Then I
exited out of the tab and let the
cookies work their dark magic
on my information. Sure enough,
not more than two days later,
I received several Instagram ads
for headphones, one of which was
to my liking. These headphones
were cheap, too, and came in a
design I liked. I clicked on this ad
and bought the product without a
second thought.
A few hours later, my second
test began. I’d seen people on
YouTube complain about search-
ing once for obscure products
only to have similar products
flood their social media feeds,
so I decided I would do a few
Horoscopes
By Kelly Foy
The following is a work of satire.
co-pay.
Leo: Start a GoFundMe so
you can rent an inflatable the next
time you feel sad. I recommend
renting the one that’s an inflat-
able ball pit. Hard to feel sad in
one of those.
Virgo: Go up to people and
say “Hey, what's behind you?” and
as they turn around, get on the
ground and start doing the worm.
#YouJustGotWormd.
Libra: As you walk around
campus, think about what would
happen if you were not walking
around campus. Think about if
you were baking a frittata.
Scorpio: Buy a bunch of
those sticky hands that you win
at arcades. Put one on every
Lawrence poster you see. This is
just the beginning of the Sticky
more sticky campaign.
By Jeff Mason
The following is a work of satire.
quick searches for diapers and
baby wipes. Being a senior here
at Lawrence University, I am a
few years removed from those
items, so I was surprised to see
no less than eight advertisements
for Pampers and other baby prod-
ucts only eight hours after my
searches. To my parents’ relief, I
have yet to be a father, so I had no
need for these items and clicked
on none of them.
A day later, I put my micro-
phone to the test. There is a
suspicion that Alexa and other
technologies may secretly be col-
lecting data based on the conver-
sations they can pick up through
microphones. During my weekly
Dungeons and Dragons session
over Discord that evening, I made
sure to insert a comment every
five minutes about how much I
enjoy tea and the drinking thereof,
which, as many of my friends and
classmates know, is a devious lie.
Nevertheless, the next morning,
six advertisements for tea-related
paraphernalia appeared in my
social media feed. I also received
a spam email with the subject line,
“Complete your order for TEA
KETTLE before it’s too late!” The
next time I’m in the mood to
drink a soggy hiking boot, I know
exactly where to buy my tea from.
For now, I’m good.
The next day’s tests were
more of the usual. Birdwatching
gear, binoculars, etc. A few
searches that morning before
checking my ads that night. To
my surprise, no ads for birding
equipment. The only advertise-
ments I got, surprisingly, were for
bandages, med kits and several
brands of wheelchairs. I figured
the cookies must’ve been off their
game that day.
I was getting close to finish-
ing my experiment by this point.
The following morning, I brought
my computer to breakfast and
turned its mic on to let it listen
to our conversation. We talked a
good deal about Formula 1 and
the so-called “sport” of racing.
As I left the breakfast table, I was
just about to check and see what
VARIETY 5
THE LAWRENTIAN
Bad Lawrence Poetry #4
By Kelly Foy
What if,
Notable rapper
Sagittarius: Go to a res- 50 cent
taurant and admit to the waitress participated in
that you snuck into the showing The Lawrence Housing Lottery?
of "Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Would he get the number
2" when you were 12. It’s time you 50?
get that off your chest. Or would he get
Capricorn: Audition for .50.
American Idol with a Taio Cruz Questions like these,
multi-song mashup. Include cho- Often overlooked at
reography and tears. Our institution of
Aquarius: Buy yourself a “Higher education.”
rolex. That’s right. A nice one, too. He would probably end up in Brokaw.
Then when people ask you how Like the rest of us.
you afforded it, you can say, “I am
$17,000 in debt” and start crying What if Meryl Street ate at
and throwing up. Andrew Commons?
Pisces: Next time you see Would she wince at
someone with a beard, say, ”Hey The cheddarwurst?
man, nice beard. It would be a Would she feel enamored by
real shame if the ticklemonster The unlimited soft serve?
got to it.” It gets old, Meryl.
I heard Kylie Jenner has been
Hired to renovate
Kohler Hall.
She was quarantined there when she had
COVID-19, last winter.
She envisions a dorm with pizzazz.
Still no air conditioning, though.
Kylie has yet to comment on this.
Nicolas Cage received the new position of working
At the Seely G Mudd
Circulation Desk.
He is still struggling with
advertisements I’d received when
Inter Library Loans.
the weirdest accident occured.
He is working hard to fix this.
Two men in suits and sunglasses
bumped into me with a shovel,
What would these celebrities do
sending me tumbling down the
At Lawrence U?
Warch stairs. The fall brought
Would they act similar to me?
back memories of my freshman
Or more similar to you?
year. Luckily, I knew exactly
where to purchase my new wheel-
chair!
Pen and Ink
I didn’t leave my room
for the next few days, nor did I
have the energy to run any more
experiments. However, when my
YouTube videos began to run By Mikayla Henry
midroll ads for Facebook every
ten seconds, I had a change of
heart. I didn’t know what I was in This poem was meant to capture the intimate feeling of being known
the mood for that day, so I decid- in some sense of the word, while still remaining unseen at the end of the
ed to scroll through Facebook day. In my mind, I associate it with the sense of someone looking through
Marketplace to see what would you and not genuinely seeing you. This can be applied to any form of
come up. After several items I had relationship, whether it be familial, friendly or romantic, though I feel like
absolutely no interest in — a VR my poem can be interpreted as focusing more on a romantic relationship.
headset, an Amazon Echo and a Though of course, art is subjective, and many other interpretations can be
bulletproof vest with the tagline drawn from this poem, none of which are completely incorrect.
of “You just may need it!” — the
next advertisement I came across Forget
was for a subscription to Amazon
Prime, the most useful thing I just You have the horizon line of my collarbone
then realized that I needed.
Over the next four days, I memorized and could sketch a diagram
discovered the disturbingly accu-
rate nature of my social media’s of how our hands envelop one
targeted advertising. I found six
products I couldn’t resist! An another yet you do not
Apple Watch — “Do you know
how fast you can run? We do!” remember how I take
A Smart Mirror, which was just
as efficient for “keeping an eye my coffee in the
out for [my] health” as the ad
stated. And my favorite, a Mark morning.
Zuckerberg body pillow. It even
came with some features beyond
what was advertised, like mov-
ing Zuck-eyes and a “scream in
blood-curdling terror” setting for
when you accidentally lock it in
the closet.
Needless to say, at the end
of the day, I got everything I was
hoping for and more out of these
products. Not all the advertise-
ments I received were quite my
style, but that’s the beauty of tar-
geted advertisements: if the first
one doesn’t get you, surely the
next one will!
6 FEATURES May 13, 2022
THE LAWRENTIAN

Photo Feature by Astra Medeiros

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to share or want Scan the
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May 13, 2022
Local Government Feature:
Nathan Wall
News Editor
________________________________
“Climate crisis might not be a strong
enough word for the issue we’re facing
right now,” said Denise Fenton.
Denise Fenton is the Common
Council member for Appleton’s District
6. She is a mother and grandmother who
grew up on the Texas Gulf Coast. Fenton
is concerned about climate change and the
future of the world for her children and
grandchildren. She is most well-known
for her work on the Common Council’s
Climate Task Force.
Fenton talked about how growing up
in Texas during integration influenced
who she is. Fenton remembers being part
of one of the first integrated first-grade
classes in the country. Her father was a
high school teacher during integration
and she remembers the different ways he
taught her acceptance.
“We were just taught that people were
equal,” Fenton said.
Coming of age during the Vietnam
War was formative; Fenton recalls circu-
lating petitions against the war in her mid-
dle school cafeteria and participating in
the first Earth Day ever. Fenton attended
Rice University in Houston and majored
in economics and managerial studies. She
then started a career in IT, which lasted
until shortly after her swearing in.
Shortly after Donald Trump was elect-
ed president, Fenton moved to Appleton;
she feels that his election spurred her
into getting involved in local electoral
politics. She specifically recalled Trump
withdrawing the United States from the
Paris Climate Accords. When Appleton
considered a resolution to keep the city in
alignment with the Accords, Fenton spoke
in favor of it, but it died in committee.
When her Common Council representa-
tive moved away in 2019, she seized the
opportunity and ran. She won that special
election. Fenton was re-elected comfort-
ably on April 5.
Fenton is excited about the new
members of Appleton’s Common Council,
especially Lawrence biology professor and
council member Israel Del Toro, whom
she has worked with in the past and is
looking forward to working with in the
FEATURES
THE LAWRENTIAN
Denise Fenton
Appleton District 6 Common Council Member Denise Fenton.
future. She also praised council member
Vaya Lauren Jones, believing that Jones
cares about the same issues she does,
such as housing affordability. While she is
not as familiar with council member Joss
Thyssen, Fenton is excited to work with
her on issues like traffic and pedestrian
safety.
The number one issue for Fenton is
climate change. She stated that it will not
affect her as much, but is worried about
her children, grandchildren and younger
friends. She believes that it is important to
not get discouraged to the point of giving
up and discussed the women’s suffrage
movement and Civil Rights movement as
examples of political movements that won
Photos provided by Fenton.
real gains against the odds.
Fenton emphasized that it is not indi-
vidual choices that drive climate change
and pointed out the absurdity of compa-
nies being allowed to continue to spew
greenhouse gases into the atmosphere
while individuals are asked to change their
individual life choices. However, she does
believe in the power of individual action,
stating that it is important to protest,
boycott and vote in every election. She
pointed out that her district had a 35%
voter turnout in the April election, and it
was still the second-highest in the city.
“One’s influence on local elections is
big,” Fenton said. “Our council president
in [2021] lost by [two] votes.”
7
Fenton then talked about the impor-
tance of equity and intersectionality in the
climate movement. She pointed out that
not everyone can afford a hybrid car or the
tune-ups required to make their cars more
fuel efficient. She emphasized the impor-
tance of investing in public transit and
walkable communities.
Climate change is not the only issue
Fenton cares about. She is devastated and
disgusted to see her home state of Texas,
among other states, target trans families,
and pledged to “absolutely” support trans
people, especially children and teenagers,
in Appleton.
“We got your back,” Fenton said.
Fenton talked about white privilege
as well and how white people need to do
better understanding the privilege they
hold in society. She shared an example
of this privilege: even though both she
and Del Toro knocked on every door in
their district to connect with voters, he
was spat on and cursed at, while the most
hostile reaction she got was being asked to
leave. Fenton also talked about the impor-
tance of caring about people suffering in
Ukraine, while at the same time caring
about those suffering in places like Yemen,
which get less media attention.
According to Fenton’s candidate
statement on the Outagamie County
Democrats’ website, she is concerned
about affordable housing, and wants to
change zoning laws to make Appleton
denser and more affordable.
Fenton also criticized Senator Ron
Johnson (R-WI), among other national
politicians.
“[Johnson’s loyalty is] to his rich
donors and his own business,” said
Fenton. “Democrats are not immune
either. Mr. Manchin is holding the entire
government hostage over the family coal
business.”
Although Fenton acknowledged that
we are in dire times, she feels hopeful for
the future and believes in the power of
organized people to make a difference.
“You have to force change,” Fenton
said. “You can’t stop trying. Because if you
do, then what’s the point?”
8 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
“Between Heaven and Earth”: Marissa Lake’s senior recital
Helen Panshin
Staff Writer
_____________________________
Senior soprano vocalist Marissa
Lake’s recital on Sunday, May 8,
titled “Between Heaven and Earth,”
featured a delightful variety of art
songs and operatic arias related to
that theme.
When I spoke with Lake before
her recital, she explained that she
chose the title to represent the duality
within her selection of pieces, with
the art songs focusing on nature and
the ethereal, while the arias explored
humility and the human experience.
Lake told me that she structured her
program so that it would alternate
between arias and art songs, show-
casing the connection between these
concepts.
Lake took the stage to begin her
recital, accompanied by pianist junior
Katie Larson. Above them, Lake’s pro-
gram was projected on a large screen.
As she sang, the lyrics were displayed
in their original languages as well as
English translations.
The title of her first piece trans-
lated to “The Aria of Madness,” from
Senior Marissa Lake singing a piece from "Eichendorff Lieder Verschwiegene" by Hugo Wolf,
Levi Homman
Staff Writer
_____________________________
“Doctor Strange in the
Multiverse of Madness,” 2022,
directed by Sam Raimi — 3/5 Stars
Skepticism is warranted, even
necessary, when it comes to the
Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU).
It can’t be overstated how profusely
virulent the comic book genre, and
especially Disney’s multi-billion-
dollar global franchise, has been for
the industry, and it hasn’t slowed
down for a minute. The MCU’s lat-
est entry is “Doctor Strange in the
Multiverse of Madness.” Helmed
by Sam Raimi of “Evil Dead” and
“Spider-Man” fame, it’s the first film
since the MCU’s inception in 2008 to
delve into the horror genre. Despite
Raimi’s impressive track record, one
would be understandably wary of
Rameau’s comic opera “Platée.”
The lyrics allude to the myth of the
Greek god Apollo falling in love with
Daphne, a nymph who escaped from
him by turning into a tree. In the
context of the opera, the piece serves
as a warning to the main character,
a nymph, not to fall in love with the
god Jupiter.
From the outset of the piano
introduction, Lake was engaging and
in character. The piece began with a
light, energetic section that returned
at the end, after a slower and darker
middle section about the cruelty of
love. Lake effectively brought out the
contrast in moods between these sec-
tions, enabling her audience to easily
follow the trajectory of the story.
Next, she performed two selec-
tions by Gabriel Fauré: “Aurora
(Dawn)” and “Fleur jetée (Discarded
Flower).” In “Aurora” the piano creat-
ed a dreamy texture upon which Lake
painted an idyllic scene of stars leav-
ing the night sky as morning came.
“Fleur jetée” complemented this
piece nicely by presenting the oppo-
site end of the emotional spectrum
with lyrics such as “like a scythed
accompanied by junior Katie Larson on piano.
Photo by Rongyan Song.
“Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness”
review: Ridiculous fun with a side of contrived
nonsense fun
how much his style would really be
implemented in such a monotonous,
blatantly corporate series of mov-
ies. This isn’t the first time Marvel
has brought in a respected auteur to
direct; Oscar-winning “Nomadland”
director Chloe Zhao was hired for
last year’s “Eternals,” a film that,
despite Zhao’s best efforts to limit
green screen use and patiently
engage with larger ideas, was
weighed down consistently ugly visu-
al effects and expository dialogue.
Though “Multiverse of Madness” suf-
fers from many of the same pitfalls,
it’s much more recognizable as a
project from a passionate, skilled
director, and the times when Raimi’s
style shines through redeem its most
inane moments. This review contains
spoilers.
The film’s most glaring issues
stem from its script. The plot follows
THE LAWRENTIAN
flower/love perishes” as though the
dream had been shattered. Over an
intense and driving piano part, Lake
communicated an anguished longing
for the past through her voice as well
as gestures and facial expressions.
Lake then performed Handel’s
“With Darkness Deep” from
“Theodora.” After a sorrowful piano
introduction, the vocal entrance
was unaccompanied and remained
exposed at various points throughout
the piece, giving the character a sense
of vulnerability and humanity as she
emphasized her mortality by pleading
for death.
Four pieces from Hugo Wolf’s
“Eichendorff Lieder” followed,
encompassing within them the con-
cepts of both heaven and earth. The
first piece, “Silent Love” was gentle
and sweet-sounding, preceding “The
Soldier,” a piece about war, in which
the piano mimics the galloping of a
horse.
The subsequent pieces, “The
Romani Girl” and “The Lucky Knight”
continue this more human theme,
with a largely bleak mood in the for-
mer, and a boisterousness in the latter.
The last performance is "Bachianas Brasileiras No. 5" by Heitor Villa-Lobos, which senior Marissa
Doctor Stephen Strange (Benedict
Cumberbatch) as he traverses alter-
nate realities to protect America
Chavez (Xóchitl Gomez) from hero-
turned-villain Wanda Maximoff
(Elizabeth Olsen). The concept of
a multiverse is seemingly limitless,
but the plot is clearly held down
by fan service and generally pedes-
trian story threads. The majority of
the premise’s potential is cashed in
on recognizable character appear-
ances and comedically silly scenarios
that rival even “Spider-Man: No Way
Home” in how closely they resemble
fan fiction rather than profession-
al Hollywood screenwriting. There
are more than a few other issues as
well; despite a few more practically
built sets than usual, “Multiverse of
Madness” is still weighed down by
some obviously digital environments
and the MCU’s usual lack of emo-
Lake explained that the “Eichendorff
Lieder” set starts off by establishing
an ethereal setting and then “goes on
to all of the earthly things going on
underneath.”
After a brief break, Lake and
Larson returned to the stage for their
final piece together, Verdi’s “Volta la
terrea (From the Earth),” a light, excit-
ed piece with plentiful staccato jumps
that Lake executed with impressive
precision and without compromising
their playfulness.
For the final piece of her pro-
gram, Lake was accompanied by an
entourage of no fewer than eight cel-
lists to perform “Bachianas Brasileiras
No. 5” by Villa-Lobos. The first section
featured no lyrics; Lake sang a medi-
tative “ah” that was echoed by the
cellos. In the next section, the lyrics
described the evening as “a beaute-
ous maiden” glorified by moonlight,
before the piece returned to its ini-
tial melody, which Lake hummed this
time.
The audience thanked Lake for
her performance with cheering and
a standing ovation before and after
her wistful and reflective encore,
Lake collaborated with members of the Lawrence cello studio.
tional depth.
When the film works, though,
it works. Wanda’s emotional arc,
largely thanks to Olsen’s perfor-
mance, is genuinely compelling.
Danny Elfman’s score, which works
in some chilling electric guitar riffs,
is one of the first MCU scores in
ages with an ounce of personality.
The real saving grace, of course, is
Raimi himself, who manages to work
in some impressive camerawork and
authentically scary elements. The
moments where Raimi’s style pops
up are exasperatingly brief, but it’s
always a joy to see such dramati-
cally canted angles, head-spinning
zooms, and even just a hint at campy
gore. Perhaps the most Raimi-esque
moment comes in the film’s third act,
in which Doctor Strange possesses
his own dead body in an alternate
dimension, becoming an undead ver-
May 13, 2022
“Goodbye!” by Tosti, accompanied by
Larson at the piano.
This summer, Lake will be per-
forming in “Orfeo” by Gluck with
Kenosha Opera Festival and play-
ing Susanna in Mozart’s “Marriage
of Figaro” with the International
Belcanto Academy in the Netherlands.
Next year she will begin her Master’s
of Music in Opera Performance at
McGill University in Montreal. You
can find more information about Lake
on her website by scanning the QR
code below.
To view Marissa Lake's
website, scan the QR
code:
Photo by Rongyan Song.
sion of himself, zombie makeup and
all. Raimi fans will also be thrilled
to see Bruce Campbell, the “Evil
Dead” star who has appeared in all of
Raimi’s films, make an appearance
as an alternate dimension pizza ven-
dor known as “Pizza Poppa”.
It’s an entire plot overhaul away
from perfect, but “Doctor Strange in
the Multiverse of Madness” is one
of the first Marvel outings in quite
some time that has even the leftovers
of genuine style and care for the
medium in which it resides. It’s an
ugly mess at times, especially when
Raimi’s style is smothered by the
Disney machine, but it’s consistently
fun and engaging to a point that most
will be willing to forgive its flaws.
“Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of
Madness” is in theaters right now.
May 13, 2022 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT THE LAWRENTIAN
9

Comic Character Spotlight: The Riddler

Kat Girod
Colomnist
_____________________________
Welcome to this week’s Comic
Character Spotlight! Today we’ll be
continuing our exploration of DC vil-
lains as the focus shifts to the cun-
ning Riddler, also known as Edward
Nigma. Interestingly, the last name
“Nigma” unveils an important com-
ponent to his character as it is derived
from the word “enigma.” An enig-
ma refers to an unsolved problem or
mystery, thus reflecting the Riddler’s
approach to concocting crime as it
revolves around the construction of
complex riddles his victims are forced
to grapple with.
1948 saw his debut in the
“Detective Comics” adorned in a green
unitard decorated with multiple black
question marks thanks to Bill Finger
and Dick Sprang. Alongside previ-
ous villains highlighted by the column
such as Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy,
he is a part of the ‘Rogues Gallery’
- a term used in reference to a pleth-
ora of longtime foes for the superhero
Batman.
How did he become a criminal
mastermind with a lust for puzzle-
solving in Gotham City? The Riddler’s
love for solving complexities originat-
ed at a young age when he won a puz-
zle-solving contest and got rewarded
with a book of riddles as a result.
This ignited a love for puzzles as he
developed a craving for victory and
intellectual dominance over others.
Later on, The Riddler became a car-
nival employee who would often scam
customers through a wild variety of
mind games. His yearning for greater
trials to overcome accumulated to the
point where he adopted the mask of
The Riddler in order to face off against
Batman, whom he saw as an intrigu-
ing potential rival.
The Riddler’s dark past is further
illustrated in “Batman: Legends of
the Dark Knight” (1989) as it shows
through flashbacks that his father was
envious of his son’s academic bril-
liance, believing it to be a facade, and
abused him as a result. This led the
Riddler to realize his desire to create
puzzle-driven schemes birthed out of
thirst to show the truth behind his
intelligence.
The Riddler is known for his
trademark “?” that he tends to leave in
the wake of his crimes. This is shown
in the “Detective Comics” after he fails
to defeat the Dynamic Duo - consist-
ing of Batman and Robin - with a boo-
by-trapped glass maze. The Riddler
escapes through the ocean and only
leaves his question mark behind.
His visual motif ignited sig-
nificant excitement among longtime
Batman fans when the first trailer
for the movie “The Batman” (2022)
was released. The trailer ended by
depicting Paul Dano, the actor for The
Riddler in the film, forming a ques-
tion mark in his drink before being
apprehended by the police. As the
most typical Batman villain portrayed
in live-action media is the Joker, fans
were thrilled with the reveal that the
Riddler would be taking the main
stage in the 2022 movie.
Other live action iterations of the
Riddler include Frank Gorshin and
John Astin 1960’s version in the tele-
vision series “Batman,” Jim Carrey in
the film “Batman Forever” (1995), and
Cory Michael Smith in the television
series “Gotham” (2014).
In the series “Batman: Hush”
Riddler works with the masked crimi-
nal Hush who desires a chance at
revenge on his former childhood
friend Bruce Wayne. Remarkably, the
Riddler is able to deduce that Batman
is Bruce Wayne, however upon threat-
ening to expose the secret, Batman
points out that revealing his identity
would be akin to spoiling the answer
to a puzzle which the general public is
unaware of the answer to.
A version of the Riddler without
his villainy is portrayed in “Detective
Comics,” where he wakes up from a
coma caused by brain damage and
suffers severe memory loss and loses
the compulsion to create riddles as a
result. Due to maintaining his impres-
sive intellect, he takes on the role of a
private consultant that coincidentally
works with Batman to investigate a
murder case.
This temporary break from vil-
lainy starts to crumble in the series
“Life After Death” (2009) as a bomb
detonation at a gala where the Riddler
is in attendance reignites his psycho-
sis. This leads him to continue to
pretend that his sanity is still intact
while continuing his work as a private
consultant, only for Batman to even-
tually figure out the Riddler’s role in
meddling with the crime.
One thing I absolutely adore
about DC villains is that their writers
tend to always include an element that
enables readers to sympathize with
them. For example, we previously
covered Harley Quinn, a victim of an
abusive lover, and Poison Ivy, who is
driven by an earnest love of nature.
The Riddler suffered from abuse as a
child and wishes to receive validation
by showcasing his riddles in grandiose
schemes. Although these sympathetic
aspects do not excuse the crimes these
villains commit, they’re a huge part
of why I love DC villains and all their
complexities.

The Book Club

Mikayla Henry
Columnist
_____________________________
With the recent theatrical releases
of both Marvel’s “Doctor Strange in the
Multiverse of Madness” and “Everything
Everywhere All at Once,” it’s safe to say
that the concept of multiverses is cur-
rently taking over pop culture. While
the idea of alternate universes is mind-
bending, it isn’t the first time that it
has been used by any means. There are
many books with some version of a mul-
tiverse contained within their pages and
plotlines, some of which I have even
mentioned in previous issues. However,
I plan on diving into a few more in order
to help give you a few more multiverses
to lose yourselves in.
First off, we have the “A Thousand
Pieces of You” by Claudia Gray, which is
the first book in her “Firebird” trilogy.
The book follows Marguerite Caine,
whose parents have managed to cre-
ate a machine they call the Firebird,
which allows users to hop into vari-
ous versions of themselves in alternate
dimensions. After her father is brutally
murdered, the killer uses the Firebird
to escape law enforcement, leaving
Marguerite to chase him down herself
by jumping into various universes. But
the closer she gets to him, the more she
begins to doubt his guilt. The rest of
the series follows a similar concept of
universe-hopping as Marguerite contin-
ues to fight evil in some shape or form,
making it reminiscent of the “Doctor
Strange” film. This trilogy is perfect for
those who were a fan of David Mitchell’s
book, “Cloud Atlas”, which focused on
how people’s choices affected the lives
of others years later, or for those who
were in love with the show “Orphan
Black,” which focused on a woman tak-
ing over the life of her clone.
Another book in this universe that
focuses on the idea of parallel univers-
es is Stephen King’s “11/22/63.” In it,
readers follow Jake Epping, an English
teacher who discovers that his friend,
Al, has a portal to 1958 locked away in
a storeroom. Al convinces Jake to take
on a new identity as George Amberson
and travel back in time to prevent the
Kennedy assassination. Jake, finding
the idea insane yet possible, decides
to do just that, and begins a new life in
1958, a time of Elvis, sock hops and big
cars. In the process of carrying out their
plan, he falls in love and discovers the
aftermath of messing with timelines.
However, before you dive into this alter-
nate reality, it’s key to remember that
Stephen King is known for his exces-
sively long books, and this 800+ page
dedication is no exception. If it proves
to be a little too time-consuming, worry
not, for there happens to be a minise-
ries based on the book starring James
Franco available to watch on Hulu.
The last multi-universal series I
want to discuss is V.E. Schwab’s “Shades “A Thousand Pieces of You” by Claudia Gray.
Photo from GooglePlay.
of Magic” trilogy. The first book, “A
“11/22/63” Stephen King.
Darker Shade of Magic,” follows Kell, Photo from AbeBooks.
a magician who can transport to the
Londons of other universes. Some of the
Londons are dull and without magic,
while others are bursting full of war.
While acting as an ambassador for Red
London, he illegally helps smuggle
folks to other Londons, such as White
London, so that they can experience a
different world altogether. However,
he is soon caught, and forced to help
Delilah, a cutpurse, discover adventure
in other Londons after she saves him.
The series is perfect for those who are
fans of the books in Leigh Bardugo’s
Grishaverse, such as “Six of Crows.”
While this universe may seem
stressful as finals slowly approach,
make sure to find some time to relax,
read and lose yourself in these books’ “Shades of Magic”by V.E. Schwab.
multiverses. Photo from AbeBooks.
10 OPINIONS & EDITORIALS THE LAWRENTIAN
May 13, 2022

Lawrence’s DEI work remains inadequate

Ezra Marker campus seriously. Through my experi- ly acceptable. I wanted Dr. Mayes, a system that would protect trans and basic human rights despite state gov-
Guest Writer ence dealing with Lawrence adminis- and this administration, to explicitly nonbinary studies from being forcibly ernments’ efforts to delegitimize that
_________________________ tration, however, their actions reflect denounce these anti-trans and anti- outed. Furthermore, when I requested fact. This campus needs real action
priorities of money over student well- gay policies and behavior to show that Lawrence University cover my and a declaration from the adminis-
We need to talk about Eric
being. their genuine concern for the safety of legal name change as an act of repa- tration that queer students are not
Mayes.
Most of you know that I was queer students on campus. ration for forcibly outing me and the only welcomed here, but truly valued.
About a year ago, I anonymously
forcibly outed by Lawrence University However, when I met with Dr. resulting trauma, VP Chris Card told However, the more I have inter-
wrote a letter to the editor urging
almost two years ago, and since then, Mayes to urge him to make this state- me he had accepted the request not acted with the Lawrence administra-
Lawrentians to recognize how flawed
no significant change has occurred. ment, he told me that it was “outside as an act of reparation, but an act of tion, the more it has become explicitly
Dr. Kimberly Barrett, the former Vice
It is abundantly clear to me that of [Lawrence’s] purview” and that he compassion. Although she is gone, clear to me that they do not, and will
President of Diversity, Equity and
Lawrence as an institution does not “won’t necessarily be making a state- Dr. Barrett put a photo of me, without not ever, truly care for queer stu-
Inclusion, was as an administrator.
care about trans and non-binary stu- ment.” He merely said that “to show my knowledge, in her annual diversity dents and their safety. Instead, they’re
Although she has left this position and
dents and their safety and has no Lawrence’s support, [they] would be report on Lawrence while explicitly just focused on continuing to make
campus, I am now seeing the same
plans to change this ideology soon. willing to help sponsor programming ignoring my pleas to protect trans and empty promises without fixing any of
flaws in Dr. Eric Mayes, the current
After the Don’t Say Gay bill’s to address” these policies. non-binary students from experienc- the problems pointed out to them by
Vice President of Diversity, Equity
approval in Florida, I reached out to Dr. Mayes, along with the rest ing the trauma I had. students. Lawrence’s commitment to
and Inclusion.
Dr. Mayes to urge him to release a of this administration, have repeat- This campus does not need a diversity is ingenuine, empty and per-
When I first heard Dr. Barrett
statement condemning this law. Like edly established their commitment to discussion-based program to hash formative, and the only way to remedy
was leaving, I felt optimistic about
many other queer people nationwide, merely shallow and performative ally- out whether queer people deserve the that is if they start to actively listen to
Lawrence, and its administration
I knew that once this bill became a ship. For instance, this administration right to feel safe existing; it should their students and show us that they
finally taking marginalized students
law, it would set a precedent that anti- changed Freshman Studies to First- be a basic fact that queer people, actually care about our safety and
and their concerns regarding this
trans and anti-gay behavior is social- Year Studies while failing to work on and other marginalized folks, deserve well-being.

There's nothing feminist about transphobia

Nathan Wall and hallmate, Congresswoman Marie chance of experiencing sexual vio- In 2020, 44 transgender Americans more likely that a transgender child
News Editor Newman of Chicago, whose daughter lence at some point in their lives, were found murdered, and in 2021, will attempt to kill themselves. This is
_________________________ is transgender, by hanging a banner especially if they’re homeless, Black, that number jumped to 375. That’s a dangerous game being played, and
outside her office that read “There are or in prison. Jules Williams, a Black, just the USA. Many countries, includ- the people who push this narrative
Over the past five years, U.S.
only two genders, Male & Female.” transgender woman in Pittsburgh, ing Brunei, the Gambia, Indonesia, have blood on their hands.
Americans have become increasingly
Some who consider themselves “radi- reported being sexually harassed, ver- Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Malawi, As much as TERFs and the "LGB
aware of transgender people, who
cal feminists” or Trans-Excusive bally harassed, and raped by guards Malaysia, Nigeria, Oman, Saudi Alliance" like to pretend their bigotry
have found themselves, unfairly, at
Reactionary Feminists (TERFs), like and fellow inmates in prison, where Arabia, South Sudan, Tonga and the is about being progressive and pro-
the center of a culture war. liber-
J.K. Rowling, argue that supporting she was incarcerated with the male United Arab Emirates, to some degree tecting children, women, and the gay
als and leftists, with a few excep-
transgender women dilutes what it prisoners, according to the ACLU. or another, perpetuate this violence by community, there is nothing progres-
tions, support the transgender and
means to be a woman and consider Trans people are not the predators, criminalizing the lives of gay, bisexual sive about this. Excluding, harass-
gender nonconforming community,
their bigotry progressive and femi- but in fact, often the victims of preda- and transgender people. ing and spreading hateful lies about
while conservatives fearmonger and
nist. And some cisgender members of tors. Also, according to the Williams the most marginalized people in our
spread hateful rhetoric about those
the gay, lesbian and bisexual commu- Trans people face more than just Institute, transgender people have society is bigotry, and it’s especially
who don’t conform to traditional
nity have decided that trans and non- discrimination and sexual violence: about an 80% chance of having con- shameful to see it from people who
standards of gender. This plays out
binary people are not real members of transgender and nonbinary individu- sidered suicide during their lives and know what discrimination is like.
on social media, within families,
the queer community and have come als are murdered at a higher rate a 40% chance of having attempted Transgender people deserve to be able
and even in the halls of Congress.
up with the “LGB Alliance”, purpose- than their cisgender contemporaries. it. The study showed a clear correla- to live their lives without being target-
In April 2019, while Republicans on
fully excluding the “T”. The latter is Muhlaysia Booker, Nina Pop, and tion between discrimination, rejection ed. For those who believe it’s wrong or
the Judiciary Committee were dis-
particularly infuriating since it was Tony McDade are the names of some and lack of access to gender-affirming sinful to be transgender, I propose a
paraging the transgender commu-
gender non-conforming people like of the transgender people murdered healthcare and suicidal thoughts or simple solution to you: don’t get hor-
nity, Rep. Pramila Jayapal of Seattle
Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson in the past 3 years, and they repre- attempts. Let me be very clear: every mone replacement therapy, gender
revealed that her child had come out
that started the Stonewall Riot and sent only a small percentage of those attempt at passing anti-trans legisla- affirming surgery or change your pro-
as non-binary the previous year, and
sparked the gay rights movement. facing violence. We still need to say tion, every child that is denied the care nouns and leave trans people alone.
in February, newly elected Georgia
The framing of trans people as their names and remember the people they need and every piece of hateful,
Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor
predators is extremely problematic. they were, not just the horrific acts anti-trans propaganda that’s put out
Greene chose to troll her colleague
Trans people have around a 50% of violence committed against them. by people like J.K. Rowling makes it

UFC 274...
continued from page 3
sions in the UFC, often submitting
people when he himself is hurt.
Oliveira rose and the two went back
at it until Gaethje landed yet another
knockdown, this time with Oliveira
falling to his back after a hard shot.
Another moment of recovery for
Oliveira followed and with that fol-
lowed a devastating shot on Gaethje,
landing flush on his chin and send-
ing the contender to the canvas.
With no hesitation, Oliveira jumped
onto a stunned Gaethje, working
ground position to limit his escape
options and work to take his back.
After securing his hooks in, Olivei-
ra was able to lock in a rear naked
choke and end the fight, adding one
more to his impressive submission
record. With this fight wrapped up,
Oliveira is now the unofficial champ
and number one contender for the
lightweight title. Logically speak-
ing, it would make sense to match up
Oliveira with Islam Makachev. Or,
if you want to make a lot of money,
match up Oliveira with McGregor,
who Oliveira called out at the end
of the fight. As for Gaethje, I think
he would need another two or three
fights to work back to a title shot,
ideally in a rematch against Dustin
Poirier, but I think wins against Be-
neil Dariush or maybe Islam Makh-
achev would also be great for him.
May 13, 2022
It's time to start polluting the Fox River again
Evan Ney
Opinions and Editorials Editor
_________________________
Disclaimer: This article is a
work of satire.
A year ago, almost to the day,
Ed Berthiaume wrote an article on
Lawrence’s website in which he argues
that the river bugs which cause a
plague of biblical proportions each
spring on campus are actually a sign
of environmental progress, since their
large numbers show that the Fox
River is able to support quite a bit of
life. This is great news! I am happy
for the environment and proud of
Lawrence and the surrounding com-
munity for reversing a century-long
trend of pollution causing poor river
health on our campus. I look forward
to seeing how Lawrence continues to
move forward towards its environ-
Russian expansionism must be checked
A.J. Ulwelling
Guest Writer
_________________________
While the Russian Federation
may be occupied with peace talks in
Ukraine (though those are currently
frozen), they have been active in other
“frozen conflicts” on the periphery
as well. The West’s focus on Russia’s
invasion of Ukraine may allow Putin
to make quiet moves in these coun-
tries with little reaction from NATO
members. Although the losses that the
Russian army has suffered in Ukraine
make a repeat of the 2008 Russo-
Georgian war unlikely, the strong per-
formance of pro-Russian politicians in
recent elections could lay the ground-
work for Russia to further absorb
South Ossetia soon. With Moscow’s
recent activities in the Luhansk and
Donetsk republics, it is vital now more
than ever to keep track of these frozen
conflict zones in order to safeguard
against a future of Russian land-grab-
bing across formerly Soviet states.
Given Putin’s strong stance
against NATO expansionism, it seems
likely he would continue his push
into these frozen conflicts like South
Ossetia and Abkhazia, regions the
The opinions expressed in The Lawrentian are those of the students, faculty and community members who wrote them. The
Lawrentian does not endorse any opinions piece except for the staff editorial, which represents a majority of the editorial
board. The Lawrentian welcomes everyone to submit their own opinions. For the full editorial policy and parameters for sub-
mitting articles, please refer to the masthead, which is located on the back of each edition.
OPINIONS & EDITORIALS
mental goals like installing solar pan-
els, our Net Zero Björklunden project
and commitment to carbon neutrality.
And yet, I can’t stop thinking
about how every day the river bugs
remain dormant in the Fox, their num-
bers grow. The plague had already
started by this time last year, and was
almost unbearable. If my options are
to suffer for two days or kill the Earth,
the choice is obvious. We have to start
polluting the Fox River again.
Before the river started getting
healthy, we had been doing this for
like 150 years, so we should be pretty
good at it, but I have lots of ideas to
get the ball rolling. The first is simple.
This campus creates a ton of garbage,
so rather than pay top dollar to have
it hauled away to sit in some dump or
incinerator somewhere doing noth-
ing, or worse yet, send it on a barge
over to China or Malaysia and help
their economies, we could be put-
Kremlin has recognized as indepen-
dent since 2008. This could allow
Putin to stoke nationalist tensions and
reclaim land that he believes is still
connected to Russia through spiri-
tual and historic ties. In doing this,
he would further exert Russia’s domi-
nance as a growing territory even after
the collapse of the Iron Curtain. Putin
plays well into his game of national-
ism, and even managed to increase
his popularity rating after moving into
Crimea in 2014.
After all five of the South Ossetian
April 10 presidential candidates failed
to meet the voter benchmark of 50%,
the two leading candidates, Anatoly
Bibilov and Alan Gagloyev, competed
in a runoff election on May 8. Former
president Bibilov was public about his
desire to join Russia, even recently
joining three former presidents and
22 other public figures and politicians
in petitioning the Central Election
Commission to join Russia. While
Bibilov may have lost, with Gagloyev
pulling in at 53.67% and receiving
congratulatory approval from Putin,
he will very likely continue with plans
for a referendum as largely supported
by South Ossetian experts and his own
driving interests.
THE LAWRENTIAN
ting our garbage to good use right
here on American soil! Into the Fox
it goes! We could make an event out
of it: there’s nothing physicists and
engineers like better than to make
slingshots and catapults able to hurl
enormous amounts of material over
long distances, so what better way
to celebrate our wonderful STEM
program than to sponsor a contest?
Members of the team able to construct
the machine that throws the most
amount of trash from the Main Hall
Green into the Fox win massive schol-
arships and free t-shirts. Instagram
will love that.
Another option is to disrupt the
ecosystem more directly. You may be
familiar with the recent event in which
a TikToker released 250,000 ladybugs
into Central Park for less than $200,
and while sure, that’s “environmental
terrorism” or whatever nerds are call-
ing it these days, it would get the job
The result of the 2008 invasion
gave Russia an avenue to re-exert
its dominance in post-Soviet Georgia,
providing financial, military and soon
to be dual citizenship–recognition
rights after Putin recently pushed a
bill to the State Duma for ratifica-
tion. They have invested well over
$800 million since the 2008 war, and
provide gas, electricity, phone plan
services and pensions to the 50,000
residents of Tskhinvali. Russia has
supported South Ossetia for so long
that to the community, it only makes
sense to rejoin Russia and reap the
benefits offered by the Kremlin to this
crumbling state.
Like in the Donbass region,
Putin chose to independently recog-
nize these separatist republics, allow-
ing him to then invade in support of
so-called peace operations on behalf
of South Ossetia and, by default,
Abkhazia. His arbitrary reasoning fol-
lows a similar trend to the situation in
Ukraine, although with South Ossetia,
local leaders are also helping in the
push for a referendum in a move
that would more symbolically present
Russia with its power. However, as
resources have been pulled even from
South Ossetia to concentrate Russian
done. The ladybugs would eat all the
food before the river bugs could get
to it, and while a plague of ladybugs is
not that much better than a plague of
river bugs, at least ladybugs are cute.
Again, Instagram would be pleased.
With that said, it doesn’t have
to be ladybugs. Any creature as small
and stupid as the river bug is bound
to have many natural predators like
fish, birds and spiders. If ladybugs are
cheap, I can’t imagine spiders are very
expensive, and releasing thousands
of fish into the Fox would be a great
source of fun and food alike! Imagine
being able to go fishing right in our
own backyard; and if we released
enough, we could even sell them to
the school to put in the dining halls.
Eating locally is great for the environ-
ment.
My last suggestion makes the
most sense of all. Our sewer system
seems to be falling apart before our
resources in Ukraine, Moscow may
hold off, at least publicly, on making
further moves.
It is also unclear how the inter-
national community would react,
and further, how they would choose
to punish Russia should the incom-
ing contested referendums go awry.
Although the current referendums
to join Russia have been publicly
denounced by the Georgian govern-
ment, Putin’s own self-governed for-
eign policy will determine the future
outcome of these separatist republics;
therefore, there is no absolute rush.
Likewise, most of the brunt work is
being done by South Ossetian pro-
Russia officials, and if they are in
favor of rejoining Russia, there may
be little left that Georgia will feel
empowered to do.
During the 2008 war, the inter-
national community hardly inter-
vened outside of ceasefire calls, much
like the current situation in Ukraine
at its start. Going forward, it is vital
to create more feasible methods of
checking power within international
organizations like the UN and NATO
to keep Russia from overexerting its
power across modern-day borders. If
Putin is further allowed to retake these
11
very eyes, so let’s kill two birds with
one stone and redirect the sewage sys-
tem directly into the river. According
to research, the average person pro-
duces around six pounds of feces per
week. This research does not account
for people who eat fourteen meals
a week at the Andrew Commons, so
let’s multiply by four to get a more
accurate estimate for your average
Lawrentian. There are around 1,500
of us who are here for around 33
weeks of the year, so by my calcula-
tions that’s 1,188,000 pounds of shit
per year that we can dump right into
the river. If that doesn’t do the little
fuckers in, God knows nothing will.
Stay safe out there, and every
time you swallow a bug this spring,
remember that this all could be avoid-
ed with just three simple steps.
territories, then at what point does
Russia become satisfied with their
space on the map? Georgia was sur-
rounded in a matter of days, so cease-
fire calls would do little to prevent
Putin from moving in under the guise
of peace operations and reclaiming a
territory Russia has been supporting
for so long. This action will not hap-
pen overnight, so more pressure from
the international community must be
placed on ensuring Russia does not
continue to expand into these fro-
zen conflict zones through arbitrary
means going forward.
While intervention from the
West will likely do little, especially
given the concentration of energy
in Ukraine, even creating informa-
tion operations could be power-
ful in reshaping dialogue internally.
Abkhazia is content on their own,
but with the South Ossetian presi-
dential vote already resulting in plans
to move forward both by current and
former leaders, only time will tell if
Russia will abide by their 2008 cease-
fire or if they will stoke the flames of
international tension.
12 COMMUNITY May 13, 2022
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