16 Backdoor

The Pioneer Log, February 18, 2011

TOAST OF THE WEEK: FOUR LOKO

Congratulations, Four Loko. In your newly acquired illicitness, you have raised yourself from a high-calorie, disgustingly fruity alcoholic beverage to the new elixir of Bohemia. Much like the wormwood in absinthe, your bygone caffeine will allow your drinkers to inquire, Have you ever had REAL Four Loko? Now, when we find you in all of your heart-failure and chaos inducing glory, we will take full advantage of our drunken caffeine highs and truly GET LOKO. To you, Four Loko, we raise a shot of blue-raspberry vodka and a can of green apple Jolt Cola. In the spirit of your green fairy forefather, votre sant.

You Caught My Eye

You: Every Jewish boy on campus Me: Swooning You: Beyond gorgeous, multitasking on the stationary bike Me: Pedaling, but its harder when you take my breath away You: Cutie taking pictures of the girls tennis team. Me: Like scopin you out You: Always in the library, studying Spanish rhyme Me: Hiding amongst the stacks, come on!... Ill show you a real good time.

You: Kid wearing the Trotsky sweatshirt Me: Have you seen The Trotsky?... Its hilarious!!!

How to prepare for your Lewis & Clark date

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

How ones drunken academic ramblings would translate into an academic paper

TALES FROM THE KEG

SHOWER TWO DAYS IN ADVANCE Think of it this way Youre already suffering far more pains than are warranted by agreeing to go out on a date. Everyone knows the LC norm is to have a spontaneous and meaningless sexual encounter and establish your superiority by giving less of a fuck about it than the other person. If, however, you decide to give so much of a fuck as to actually go on a date with a person, you must save face by achieving the perfect combination of style and aloofness. An unshowered mane will mold to the sexiest style you want it to, while still maintaining the greasy sheen characteristic of apathetic lotharios. Win. Fuckin. Win. STYLE > SEX An easily overlooked tip. Pretty much everyone is hot enough to get laid. You have to separate yourself from the herd by wearing something so frumpy, so unattractive, so unflattering, yet so undeniably avant garde, that one can only assume it must be at the peak of fashion. Plus, it is only once someone peels through your fake prescription glasses, mentally strips you of your ironic animal sweater, and dreams of fully dissolving your acid-washed jeans that he or she can really begin to know who you are. Just think Victorian fashion, except you actually put out. IMPRESS HIM OR HER WITH YOUR ALCOHOL Your best bet is to buy a twelvepack of the nicest beer you can find on the day before your date, and then drink a couple of them. By doing this, you can impress your prospective bed-buddy by showing him or her your amazingly distinguished tastes, while still conveying that you didnt care enough about the date to buy something new. After all, who could resist someone who has Rogue Dead Guy just lying around? You also get extra points if its something obscure AND local (take it from someone who seduces via a 4pk of Fearless Scottish 16oz cans). Beer with an abnormally high alcohol content is ideal for these situations, as it is usually both inconspicuous AND classy. ITS NOT WHAT YOU SAY; ITS HOW YOU SAY IT Consider this the gospel truth for any date you go on at LC. You can assert any sort of outlandish, harebrained idea as long as you say it with the utmost certainty. In fact, the more controversial, the better. For instance: John Waters is the greatest filmmaker of the past thirty years. You dont even have to agree with this statement. Just memorize a script of how Waters so ingeniously inverted societys ideals regarding class, gender, sexuality, and normalcy and PREACH IT SELL IT... Choosing a particularly racy director is especially effective, as it ever-so-subtly lets your date know that you are open-minded about the naked things, without directly exposing you as what many would call an f-r-e-a-k in the s-h-e-e-t-s.

BY NEIL MURRAY

*P.S. All farticles found in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh yeah, and submit comics to Backdoor Editor Erin Ruprecht (ruprecht@lclark.edu)