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Logan Mifflin

Mrs. Scharf

ERWC Period 5

25 January 2022

Scholarship Essay

Rubric

After completing your Scholarship Essay Assignment, highlight in yellow what you believe

you earned on your Scholarship essay on the rubric below.

6 5 4 3 2 1
W 11-12.4 A little Reflection is thoughtful and The student reflects on The student Attempt No
Produce clear and more reveals the author has his/her essay and how reflect on the to reflect evidence
coherent writing successful reflected on specific aspects he/she revised. The changes he/she
in which the than a 5 of the essay and how to student shares some of made but the
development, revise. The writer seems the specific techniques reflection might
organization, and genuinely engaged in the and changes he/she made be more
style are process of reflecting and but could go into more surface-level or
appropriate to revising by writing about detail. to just “get it
task, purpose, and the changes she/he has over with”
audience. made.

W 11-12.5 A little Develop and strengthen Develop and strengthen Develop writing Attempt No
Develop and more writing multiple times as writing as needed by by revision or to revise evidence
strengthen writing successful needed by planning, planning, revising, planning.
as needed by than a 5 revising, editing, rewriting, editing, rewriting, or
planning, or trying a trying a new approach,
revising, editing, new approach, focusing on focusing on addressing
rewriting, or addressing what is most what is most significant
trying a new significant for a for a specific purpose and
approach, specific purpose and audience.
focusing on audience.
addressing what
is most
significant for a
specific purpose
and audience.

Original Essay Prompt

Write the essay’s prompt (recreate to the best of your ability) here:

How does the author Wendy Troxel persuade her audience that school should start later?
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To the best of your knowledge, what scores did you earn on this essay? If you can’t

remember the scores, what were some of the things you struggled with in this essay? What

needs to be improved?

The score I got from this essay was a four, but it had an abundance of problems with it

that I believe needed to be fixed. In this essay, I struggled with writing fluidly, utilizing proper

grammar, and employing a wider range of vocabulary. All of these skills were not in my

repertoire at the time and greatly hindered my ability to express my ideas in essays such as this,

with improvements needed for the introduction, transitions of paragraphs, introductions of

evidence, explanations of evidence, and the entirety of the conclusion (which it was originally

lacking more than a sentence).

Original Essay

Logan Mifflin

Mrs. Stro

9th Grade ELA

6 March 2019

Why School Should Start Later For Teens Essay

The consequences of sleep loss are worse than most know, especially for teens. The

speech “Why School Should Start Later for Teens” by Wendy Troxel, a sleep researcher and a

mother, is about what the title says, why school should start later for teens. This speech was

given at Manhattan Beach where Troxel talked specifically about how teens need more sleep

than the average school schedule permits with the reasoning that their hormones change the
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biological clock of the teen’s which affects when their bodies naturally falls asleep and when

they naturally wake up. Troxel, with this speech, is targeting a mostly parental audience because

the parents of these sleep-deprived teens are going to want the best for their child so they

naturally would be the most willing to support getting their children more sleep through starting

school later. Troxel uses ethos, pathos, and logos to persuade her mainly-parental audience to

help in changing the school schedule to be later for the well being of the teens.

To begin, Troxel exhibits her credibility and trustworthiness as a speaker on this topic by

using her parental and scientific background in order to gain the support for later school start

times from the audience so teens can get better sleep. Near the beginning of the speech before

she goes into the scientific reasoning as of why the teens need more sleep than what the normal

school schedule gives she states that “[she is] a sleep researcher” (3). When she said that she is a

sleep researcher she is claiming that she is extremely knowledgeable on the topic of sleep and the

effects when you do not get enough of it. By declaring her profession as a sleep researcher

Troxel shines herself in a credible light which she uses to persuade her audience into helping the

cause of starting school later in the day for the affected health of the teens with less that required

sleeping hours. A paragraph later she talks about her own son and how “[she is] depriving [her]

son of the sleep he desperately needs” (4) by waking him up early in the morning for school.

From saying this she shows that she does not like doing this to her son which reveals her

motivation for making school naturally start later, so her son, and other teens affected from

school-related sleep loss, can get the sleep that they extremely need. By asserting that she is a

parent that has a son with this issue that she needs to wake in the morning, even though she

knows how bad it is for him, Troxel displays herself as trustworthy and credible to the audience

from showing that she has a reason to fight for later school start times and that she is relatable to
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the other parents who have to go do this as well. To summarize, from the use of her profession

and her relatability to her target audience Troxel is able to make herself seen as someone

trustworthy to argue for later school starting times.

Continuing on, Troxel uses the emotion of fear in order to persuade the audience into

helping the cause of starting school at a later time for the mental and physical health of teens all

throughout the nation. A little after the middle of her speech (which was talking about some

statistics) she talks about how teens with sleep-loss as student drivers driving with “five hours or

less of sleep… is… equivalent [to] driving with a blood alcohol content above the legal limit”

(9). Driving with blood alcohol above the legal limit usually results in car crashes,

unknowledgeable speeding, and dangerous swaying on the road which is horrible for the driver’s

safety and the safety of everyone around but since having less than six hours of sleep is

comparable to that many new drivers on the road in high school, who usually have little sleep,

could be serious hazards to themselves and others, even more so than the drinkers. By bringing

up that studies have shown the dangers for underslept teens on the road Troxel effectively coaxes

her audience to support her argument that school should start later from the parents in the

audience’s fear of their tired teens crashing, getting in trouble with police, and or harming others

on the road. A little bit before hand in the same paragraph she states another disbenefit that teens

with little sleep have which is that it also causes “obesity, heart disease, and diabetes” (9). These

diseases usually cause early death, lowered athletic ability, and usually problems with the heart

and the liver which is terrible to live with especially as a parent who knows their child has one or

more of these diseases. By exclaiming that the loss of sleep most teens encounter is connected to

physical diseases that seriously affect those who have them for life Troxel convinces her

audience to aid her in the battle against schools start times and their earlyness from the use of the
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parents in the audience’s fear of their teens developing these life-changing diseases. To wrap up

this paragraph, Troxel, using fear, is able to persuade the audience into supporting her argument

against the schools and these early start times that affect many students sleep.

Finally, Troxel uses facts statistics in order to persuade her audience to support getting

their children more sleep by starting school later. To support her argument Troxel, in the middle

of her speech, stated that “from [the] LA Unified School District, [they] found that teens with

sleep problems were 55 percent more likely [to drink]” (9). This fact is an example of how bad

loss of sleep is in the long run if the kid affected turns to drinking to feel calm and relaxed. By

displaying to the audience the dramatic increase in underaged drinking from the little sleep they

get from how early school starts Troxel increases the persuasiveness of her argument which gets

more people to support later school start times. In another quote a little later in her speech she

talks about the pros of teens having more sleep, bringing to light that “car crash rates go down ---

a 70 percent in one district” (11) from teen drivers having better sleep. The fact shows to the

audience that teens with more sleep are safer on the roads, causing less accidents, which is

amazingly good for the teens and the communities as a whole. By disclosing to the audience how

beneficial more sleep is for teens Troxel makes her argument more persuasive for those who

have student driving teens worried about their safety.

To conclude, from the use of pros and cons Troxel makes a very effective and persuasive

case for her argument.

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Revised Essay

Type your revised essay in this section. Make sure to highlight in yellow the changes you made

from the original. These should be significant, meaningful changes, not just changes to grammar,

punctuation, etc.

Logan Mifflin

Mrs. Stro

9th Grade ELA

6 March 2019

Why School Should Start Later For Teens Essay

Sleep deprivation and the consequences of it are far worse than what the majority of

people know, especially for developing teenagers. The speech “Why School Should Start Later

for Teens” by Wendy Troxel, a mother and sleep researcher, was presented in Manhattan Beach

and on the topic of biological and health reasons as to why school should start at a later time in

the day for teenage adolescence. The main reasoning in Troxel’s speech for her argument is that

the overly hormonal state of a teenager affects their biological clock, altering when a teen

naturally falls asleep and naturally wakes up (with those natural timings not corresponding with

the times teens have to go to bed for school and have to get up in the morning to prepare for

school). Also, attempting to gain the most support possible for her cause and to increase the

probability of change in the favor of the cause, Troxel had made the target of her speech a

parental audience as parents would be: the most concerned about the topic, as it affected their

childrens’ well-being and general quality of life; and the ones in the best position to do

something about the subject, being the ones with the most power when it comes to affecting
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school policies. And, to persuade this audience to aid in the improvement of well-being for

teenagers through the latening of school start times, the author utilizes the rhetorical appeals of

ethos, pathos, and logos.

Demonstrating her credibility and trustworthiness as a speaker on the topic of sleep and

the sleep needs of teenagers to better persuade her audience to her side of extending out the time

in which school opens, Troxel employs her parental and scientific background. Near the

beginning of the speech, before she delves into the scientific reasoning as to why teens need

more sleep than what the normal school schedule gives, she states that “[she is] a sleep

researcher” (3). When she said that she is a sleep researcher she was claiming that she is

extremely knowledgeable on the topic of sleep and the effects of lacking sleep. By declaring her

profession as a sleep researcher, Troxel shines herself in a credible light and creates for herself a

platform of authority that exudes her qualification to discuss in great detail the topic of sleep (in

all its capacities) which provides to the audience valid reasoning to believe in what she has to say

in regards to her argument. A paragraph later she talks about her own son and how “[she is]

depriving [her] son of the sleep he desperately needs” (4) by waking him up early in the morning

for school. From saying this she exhibits that she does not like doing this to her son which

reveals her motivation for making school naturally start later, so her son, and other teens affected

from school-related sleep loss, can get the sleep that they desperately need. By asserting that she

is a parent that has a son with this issue that she needs to wake in the morning, even though she

knows how bad it is for him, Troxel displays herself as trustworthy and credible to the audience

from showing that she has a reason to fight for later school start times and that she is relatable to

the other parents who have to go do this as well. From the application of her profession, being a

sleep researcher who is well versed in the exact subject of the ted-talk, and her relatability to her
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target audience, being a mother who wants to improve her son’s well-being, Troxel is able to

provide for herself grounds as a trustworthy speaker on the topic of aiding in the sleep of teens

through later start times for schools.

Troxel, to continue her persuasion of the audience towards delaying the start times of

schools for the betterment of the teenage adolescents who must endure them, also utilizes the

emotional response of fear. After supplying the audience with some statistics regarding drinking

and car crashes she talks about how teens with sleep-loss as student drivers driving with “five

hours or less of sleep… is… equivalent [to] driving with a blood alcohol content above the legal

limit” (9). Driving with blood alcohol above the legal limit usually results in car crashes,

unknowledgeable speeding, and dangerous swaying on the road which is horrible for the driver’s

safety and the safety of everyone around them. But, since having less than six hours of sleep is

comparable to new drivers on the road, these students could be more of a serious hazard to

themselves and others than those who drink. By bringing up that studies have shown the dangers

for underslept teens on the road Troxel effectively coaxes her audience to support her argument

that school should start later from the parents in the audience’s fear of their tired teens crashing,

getting in trouble with police, and or harming others on the road. Before delivering this shocking,

and quite terrifying, fact of the situation, Troxel states another issue that teens with little sleep

have which is its cause of increased rates of “obesity, heart disease, and diabetes” (9). These

diseases usually cause early death, lowered athletic ability, and problems with the heart and the

liver, which is terrible to live with especially as a parent who knows their child has one or more

of these diseases. By exclaiming that the loss of sleep most teens encounter is connected to

physical diseases that seriously affect those who have them for life, Troxel convinces her

audience to aid her in the battle against schools start times and their earlyness from the use of the
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parents in the audience’s fear of their teens developing these life-changing diseases. The

application of fear by Troxel, as depicted previously through her detailing the horrible effects of

bad and lacking sleep on teenagers, has allowed for her to better persuade her audience into

supporting her cause against early school times which aid in the production of these effects.

One last way in which Troxel persuades her audience to support later school start times

for the benefit of their teenaged family members and communities is through the utilization of

facts and statistics regarding correlations between the lack of sleep for these students and health

problems. One of these correlations, provided by Troxel when she began discussing the issues

with sleep deprivation, stated that “from [the] LA Unified School District, [they] found that teens

with sleep problems were 55 percent more likely [to drink]” (9). This fact is an example of how

bad loss of sleep is in the long run if the kid affected turns to drinking to feel calm and relaxed.

By displaying to the audience the dramatic increase in underaged drinking from the little sleep

they get from how early school starts, Troxel betters her persuasion of the audience by providing

evidence of a major issue, underaged substance abuse, tied to the issue of teenage sleep lose that

is perpetuated by early school start times. In another quote later in her speech she adresses the

pros of teens having more sleep, bringing to light that “car crash rates go down --- 70 percent in

one district” (11) from teen drivers having better sleep. The fact shows to the audience that teens

with more sleep are safer on the roads, causing less accidents, which is wonderful for the teens

and their communities as a whole. By disclosing to the audience how beneficial more sleep is for

teens in respect to their safety on the road, Troxel makes her argument more persuasive as the

audience learns of the dramatic increases in their adolescents’ safety with an adequate sleeping

period (which would be provided by a change in all schools’ start time).

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To yield a persuasive argument in favor of delaying the start of school days for the

improvement of all teenagers’ mental and physical health, Troxel had masterfully utilized ethos,

pathos, and logos, and proved to have done so through: creating ethos by employing her

background as both a professional in the field of sleep and as a mother who cares for the

well-being of her children; evoking the emotion of fear for the safety and health of their child’s

well-being and the well-being of other teenager’s in the audience’s communities as a form of

pathos; and by providing officially gathered statistics of the positives of students getting sleep

and negatives from students being continuously deprived of sleep, being Troxel’s logos.

Reflection

1st Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining specifically what you revised in your essay and

why. Go into thoughtful details! How did these choices improve your essay? What skills do you

now have that you were able to use to help enhance your essay?

Many of my revisions of the essay had to do with correcting and rearticulating what my writing

style back in freshman year had produced. When I first started learning how to write at a higher

level, I would consistently use a “cookie-cutter” structure for every paragraph, from start to

finish, as I did not know how to articulate my thoughts any better. These were my first target of

revision and seemed to me as the ones that provided the largest improvement in the essay. They
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had made my introduction paragraph, conclusion paragraph, and transitions in between

paragraphs into better articulated and more fleshed out explanations and presentations of the

concepts I had covered in that essay back in the spring of 2019. My primary type of revision was

utilizing a broader depth of academic vocabulary and formulating the concepts previously

described in a confusing and redundant manner into those that provided more value and a deeper

understanding to the reader of the essay as to what was being described and how it related to the

point of the essay. The skills I have acquired over the course of my time at Great Oak that were

applied in this essay to improve its overall quality were my broadened vocabulary and

understanding of grammar, syntax, and the connotation of specific diction. The accumulation of

all of these skills and general understanding has led me to be able to alter this essay for the better.

2nd Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining how you’ve improved as a writer since your

freshman year: What did you struggle with before? What are you proud that you can do now?

When I first started off in my high school career, my writing skills were that of a low middle

school or a higher-end elementary school kid. I repetitively used the same words over and over

again with “cookie-cutter” structures that I would never stray away from and had a lack of

grammatical understanding and understanding of how to formulate sentences without that

predefined syntax. This would consistently produce essays and write-ups with little to no

improvement and provide, at times, difficulty in expressing my true thoughts on the subject from
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the restrictions I lived within my writing. I have turned from someone with difficulty expressing

my ideas and answers on paper to someone who can do so in a variety of different ways. I am

proud to be able to write at a higher academic level and understand others at the same level, as it

has opened my eyes to a whole wider world full of complex subjects that intrigue me greatly

(such as machine learning and higher-level political concepts). It took four years of my life here

at Great Oak to reach a point where I do not need to rely on a dumbed-down version of events or

of situations in order to comprehend and write about what they are and how they affect the world

around them.