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Posted on September 25, 2018 ← Previous Next →

A Nonviolent Communication
(NVC) cheat sheet
Last year I participated in a 10-week workshop on Nonviolent Communication (NVC). And
as cliché as that may sound, it has helped me tremendously in experiencing making
progress as a human being. It certainly has enabled me to engage with people on a much
more connected level around difficult topics and conversations in a way that no longer
feels as painful and “stuck” for me and, so I hope, also for the people I communicate with.
Before going into detail, I’d like to try to offer a TL;DR short-hand in three phrases:

First, listen to and work with your feelings and the feelings of others–just not
literally, rather as in your feelings telling you: “something important is going on” that
requires your attention, but feelings do not tell you “the truth” or what you have to do.

Second, always remember, all human beings act out of the same values and needs,
but often their chosen strategies (and goals) collide and seem impossible to reconcile–
once you focus on and connect with these needs, you’ll live in a different world.

Third, to do this it is important to slow down your thinking and acting, and don’t get
caught up in emotions, especially those that come from a long distant past, like
experiencing always being blamed as a child for all the things that went or go wrong.

Watching the second season of “The Handmaid’s Tale”, left me with a strange thought:
aren’t we all already living in a society in which others constantly tell us that they “know
what’s best for us”? Only that instead of chopping off our fingers or gauging out our eyes,
we simply are conditioned with (mainly economic) punishment and reward as pressure,
and if that no longer works then through the judicial system, into behaving in ways that we
feel isn’t really all that good for us or what we want, but we also feel we have little choice.

To bring this thought into clearer focus, I am summarizing the core principles and ideas I
see as crucial ingredients of NVC into this cheat sheet. And if you were to consider and
follow this to the extent that you not already do so, I predict that this will allow you (and
pretty much anyone) to experience some improvements in your life, especially when it
comes to how you relate to other people. Most of these apply to both your experience of
your own thoughts and actions as well as those of others. So let’s dive right in–I will first
give the list of ideas, followed by some minimal explanation for why I believe them to be
“life serving” (even if not necessarily objectively true or proven in a scientific sense):

let go of certainty (especially thinking in terms of true/false, right/wrong, good/bad)

and together with certainty, also let go of authorities making certainty claims
(“we know what’s best for everyone, and if you don’t do as we say you will suffer!”)
become aware of your autonomy and choice at every moment, even when you
do things habitually, particularly with behaviors that you don’t like: you have choice!
slow down your decision making (and general thinking) process, so instead of
simply reacting habitually (in conditioned ways) use your curiosity to explore choice
see that the source of all feelings (besides physical pain) is in your thinking (e.g.,
anger is caused by how you think about a situation or person)
instead accept feelings as signals for underlying values (in NVC: needs)
practice to focus your attention on these values and needs, instead of being
caught up in the emotional experience; that is shift from feelings to needs
don’t mistake empathy for pity or advice or other things; empathy is your
openness to another’s experience, requiring presence, letting go of thoughts
realize that all human beings act out of needs and values, not evil intentions
so also shift your focus about other people’s experience from their feelings
to their needs, which is really hard, especially if your initial feelings suggest a threat
clearly communicate your feelings, values/needs, and when you ask people to
act differently than what they are doing, connect this as requests to your
values/needs, not demands with fear of punishment
do not get attached to “getting what you want” (strategies), instead keep
dogging for your needs, seeking strategies that can get everyone’s needs met

The first principle is to let go of a thinking that makes certainty desirable. What does
that mean? Well, in almost any situation in which you want to engage in communication
with someone, you can take one of at least two (and possibly many more) stances about
what you are saying (and doing) to the other person. The first stance, which seems to be
the default in many cultures, is one of “I know what I know, and I am certain of it, and
everything I am telling you is the truth!” (certainty and authority/domination). A different and
in my opinion ultimately more helpful, life-serving stance would be one of “I know I have a
set of beliefs, and so far these beliefs have served me well, but I am curious as to what
you have to say…” (curiosity and cooperation). And this is particularly true about
inferences or judgments you might make about someone else, like “he didn’t help
me with something I asked him to do, he is really totally unreliable!”, and even more so
when you feel strongly, because we can easily confuse the strength of our feeling
(for instance being offended) with being certain about our inferences.

Imagine that you are in a conflict with someone, and this person tells you something like,
“you’re wrong! What you are saying is false, and what I am saying is correct! You have to
see the world as I do!” How likely are you going to accept this (in the absence of this
person having the authority and power to punish you)? And if you now reverse the roles, if
the person does change their mind, don’t you think it will make the relationship more
difficult in other ways? Human beings have a strong preference for experiencing
autonomy, that the choices they make are made because they agree with the premises.
So, forcing anyone to agree with you will easily make that person feel resentment toward
you. Hence, let go of authority that uses punishment and rewards as means of
influence.

The next idea is to slow down thinking enough. Cognition can be separated into
unconscious (more automatic, non-reflected) and conscious thought, and conscious
choices have the wonderful property that they are far slower and more deliberate than
automatic decisions. This combined with another principle, accept feelings as signals
of value not of truth (or certainty), means that when we feel a certain way about our
experience, we can then either react habitually (as biological evolution and even culture
has made humans react in circumstances of such experiences), or you can slow down
and start thinking in a state of curiosity. Try to figure out what particularly your painful
feelings (anger, shame, guilt, depression, etc.) tell you about what you would want to see
different in the world.

And when you think in that direction, focus on values instead of on who needs to be
punished. Here it helps to use the awareness that whatever the people who are acting
in ways you don’t like do, they do so because of their values. And then communicate
that to the people who can make a difference in a way that emphasizes the values you
focus on, not what you initially may have thought the people are doing wrong. And
whenever you make requests, asking people to act differently because of your
values, remain conscious that your chosen strategy (what you ask for) is only one of
many ways to get your needs met. If the other person says no, that’s not the end of
the world, just go back one step and look for a different strategy–especially including
talking to the person to find out why they said no.

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