Confessions of a Drunk Girl

We were just having a wrap party. I was of course nervous. I thought about making a
move however I wasn’t sure about it just yet. I don’t really like taking risks, but I thought this
one I could take. We finished the project; we could bump into each other, but we wouldn’t be
able to interact. I could do this, I wasn’t certain about it, sure but it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Only thing I had to do was to just to take a few shots. I would have an excuse. If things went
down bad, I could just tell him I was drunk. My shameless drunk flirting could also be good of a
use well.
So here I was giving myself a really small pep talk to go up to him. I had the courage to
go up to him, I just cared about him and didn’t want to mess this up. I wasn’t afraid of rejection.
I just didn’t want to mess this up. I could take him rejecting me. I just really, really fancied him.
Shit, I fancied him, and I had to be drunk to be able to admit it to myself. How the fuck was I
going to explain it to him? I hated myself right at that moment. The thing is my solution to
hating myself while being drunk is to just drink some more. It turned out strange, my solution I
mean. I wouldn’t call the outcome exactly terrible although there was some regrets and
embarrassing moments, I am overall glad I got drunk that night.
I took those extra shots, and everything started to slow down a bit, the music wasn’t as
clear anymore. Instead it was just loud. I couldn’t make out the lyrics. I saw him, he was talking
to a mutual friend of ours, Luke. I may have mentioned the possibility of me finding Calum
attractive, he tried to play the matchmaker ever since that moment. He was terrible at it. He
couldn’t be discreet; it was just painful to watch him find excuses to leave Calum and I alone.
His excuse when I came up to them was just ridiculous: he had to “flower his plant”. We were
at least in his house, but it was just absurd and wasn’t believable at all. At least he was an
adorable dumbass so I could forgive his nonsense behavior. I have to be honest though, if he
hadn’t left us alone that night we wouldn’t be here today so I guess I am grateful to him at
some point.
“He is ridiculous sometimes,” is the first thing Calum said to me shaking his head as he
tried to hide his smile.
“We accepted him that way. I don’t think he is capable of changing anymore.” I stated
as I was staring at the lanky dork’s back until he disappeared into the crowd in the kitchen and
couldn’t be seen anymore.
“ I guess so… But I have to say I never approved thi- Hey, you alright?” he asked as his
expression suddenly changed into a worried one.
“Yeah… yea… Just a bit dizzy. Are you dizzy or am I dizzy alone? I wanna sit down.” I
whined. My last sentence accidentally came off like a child begging to have ice cream before
dinner. Suddenly I felt his hand on my back as a support. If I wasn’t dizzy before I would
definitely start to be dizzy, then. I became soft from his touch alone. I wanted to give my body
up and just let him hold me. I wanted to feel his embrace so badly…
“Come on,” he said as he brushed a single strand of hair behind my ear, “let’s have
some fresh air.” He lead me to the backyard.
 There were people here having a cigarette, chatting, or getting some fresh air just like
us. I secretly wished we were alone but when we sat down on the couch beside the pool we
were basically alone. He let go of my back and cold suddenly hit to where his hand used to be
on my back. There was some space between us but since I wanted to hit on him, lay down, and
stop the spinning in my head; I laid down on his lap. He seemed surprised. I wanted to
celebrate that moment. Finally, I was able to catch him off guard, finally I was able to get him
frustrated. Now, this must be what having power over someone felt like. I felt like doing a little
bit more of this. I started to move my head around and in the end my face faced his crouch. I
was in an extremely risky situation, plus I could feel Calum tensing with every move that I
made. I had enough of that though. I just wanted to tell him. Tell him my every little secret,
starting with my crush huge on him.
“Cal… Can I tell you something?” I mumbled. I opened my eyes that I have closed just a
moment ago to get my thinking straight. When I opened my eyes I caught Calum staring at me.
Now, I was the one who felt uneasy under his gaze. I could see that he was thinking something,
he had that examining look on his face that made me feel like he could see my thoughts. I felt
like an open book to him which I didn’t like, because it wasn’t who I was. I liked keeping it to
myself, I liked the fact that my thoughts were mine and mine only. I had all the control over
how people see me, they knew only parts I wanted them to know but Cal was different. The
reason I think he could see through me was because she knew what it was like to be like me. He
himself was private, a riddle to the others. The thing about these people is that the people who
are riddles themselves know how to solve the other ones. There he was now, so close to solving
mine. His fingers were combing through my hair:
“Of course, do you need anything? Is your stomach good?” it kind of stung he thought I
was that intoxicated to show him this much attention.
“Yeah, no I’m fine. I just… Do you ever feel like you crave love? I mean of course you are
loved; you have your family friends and all that, in your case fans who would die for you but
like, I mean do you crave to love and to be loved? To even belong maybe? Sometimes I feel like
I could explode from all the love I have to give, but sometimes I feel so weak I feel like I can’t
even to look people in the eye,” I tried to explain but Cal just had a light smile on his face. “I’m
sorry. I’m just talking nonsense,” I said as I shook my head. His smile remained nearly the same
but now his teeth were showing. He looked so cute with his cheeks slightly pink from the
alcohol he had consumed, his dimples were showing, and his eyes were shining with the dim
lights of the party lights creeping on to the patio.
“No, you are not,” he assured me with a soft voice. “Believe me or not I understood
exactly what you were trying to explain.” His hand was still tangled up in my hair, slowly playing
with it. I felt like sitting up straight. This was it, it was the perfect moment, now or never I
thought.
Now we were sitting next to each other, too close maybe. I turned to face him. I made
the most intimate eye contact of my life at that moment. He was just looking at me with a
dazed gaze almost high I would say if I didn’t know any better. I caught his sneaky glances to my
lips and thought now was the time.
“You wanna know something else?” he only replied with a nod. Now he wasn’t even
trying to hide his glances. He looked from my eyes to my lips.
 “I really wanna kiss you, and be in love with you. I think I almost love you and I also want
to be loved by you,” I rushed. All of my thoughts were mixing up. I had just confessed my stupid
crush on him to him, but it didn’t even make any sense. I have fucked it up. I shut my eyes
embarrassed and hid my face to the crook of his neck. I was blushing so heavily I couldn’t show
my face. I felt his hand on my cheek, it traveled down to my chin. He whispered slowly:
“ Do you want to know something cool?” I nodded still hiding in his neck. “ I think I
almost love you too.” He used his fingers that have been resting on my chin to lift up my face.
As he stabled my face he started to lean in, looking up from my lips to my eyes one last time
before kissing me. This was it, I thought. This was what I had been craving all along.