A very slim book of

SILLY VERSES
by Kevin Dale
 THE ELEPHANT

It wasn't the dry Savannah

or the Serengeti plain
No herds of roaming wildebeest
or forests of dense mopane
But our mission today was an elephant hunt
so under a threatening sky
We hit the trail with senses keen
and expectations high

We climbed precipitous rocky paths

and slithered down again
In wind and rain and sun and yet
still no sightings came
Then as we looked towards the sky
we suddenly espied
A lonely elephant standing there
totally petrified
 MOORE & DALE

Let me tell you the tale of Moore and Dale

Enjoying their golden years
Striding over the hills, two ageing Bear Grylls
Intrepid and tough - with no fears

The problem however, is that almost never

Does either-one know where they are
At the end of the trail they blissfully sail
On a bearing away from the car

But the reccie was perfect, faultless, top class

On the button, but heed what they say
'Commit all your blunders and bloopers en masse
Good rehearsals mean crap on the day'
 THE ELEPHANT HUNT

Today we set out on an elephant hunt

Me at the back and Dave up front
But right from the get-go I had my doubts
About finding his actual whereabouts

We climbed and climbed up the steepest of trails

Following the write-up, the wind in our sails
But things got hazy at the second wrong turn
My doubts were growing into full blown concerns

And so the elephant is safe for today

Deep in the mountains, hidden away
The walk we planned we had to revamp
We decided to call it 'La Vella Base Camp'
 THE 73 CLUB

In the years just after the second world war

An abundance of babies were born
We're the first generation to never grow old
We are treating our dotage with scorn

In La Marina's wonderful walking group

We boomers partake vigorously
In spite of the fact, and its hard to believe
That we're all aged seventy three
 Growing up in the 50‘s in an innocent age
When kids were allowed to roam free
On long summer days in the woods and the fields
Playing football and climbing tall trees

Then came the 60's so much to enjoy

The end of pier dances and booze
Short hair and sharp suits how could we fail
Yet the girls seemed immune to our shmooze

We are part of a blessed generation

Full employment rebuffed penury
And now we are reaping our hard earned rewards
We have time once again to roam free

When conditions improve and corona's contained

The ship steadied and close to the shore
Let's head to the mountains together again
To our next milestone, seventy four
 ODE TO A PATH

Some folks love a precarious scramble

While others prefer a more genteel amble
Some only content with vertiginous drop
To parry and conquer on their way to the top

Two steps forward then slide one back

The hardest way up, on the steepest track
Hold your nerve, when you make your next move
Trust your boots in this slippery groove

Hearts are racing, legs like clay, three hours in we've done 3K
Keep the faith and don't forsake, soon we'll have banana break
Skating on marbles on the descent, knees complaining, energy spent
Take a breather mustn't grumble, take the praise for your last tumble

Now me I prefer a wide thoroughfare

A well laid path created with care
With steep elevation and generous wingspan
I boldly stride out knowing I can:

Hold my head up high and look at the sky

Walk side by side or let others pass by
Take in the views all the way to the peak
Check out the birds, in the sky, so to speak
Take a photo, eat some cake, even take a comfort break
Swap a story, share a joke, be lighthearted, go for broke
Lead from the front or bring up the rear
There's room to manoeuvre, there's room to change gear
To walk unrestricted with space to avail
On a phenomenal, first class, fabulous trail
 THE RAIN IN SPAIN

Enough already, there's ample sufficiency

We're up to here, there is no deficiency
I grumble and moan with growing proficiency
Please somebody, Stop the rain !!

The housework's done, its never been cleaner

The wife's as happy as I've ever seen her
This forced confinement affects my demeanor
Can't somebody, Stop the rain !!

Here in Spain we're not used to such rain

Another day starts and its pouring again
I don't walk the dog, we both aquaplane
I'm begging you, Stop the rain !!

But hold on a sec, the sun's peeping through

The clouds are dispersing, the sky cobalt blue
Break out the bottle, the glass and corkscrew
Cos somebody, Stopped the rain !!
 THE MAGIC HAT

I've always admired old pictures of cowboys

Wranglers and tough Buckaroos
Or American gangsters shooting the breeze
Making offers you just can't refuse

But the one thing I like more than anything else

'Bout these guys is, they wear a good hat
Though I've tried and I've tried, I have to declare
That a hat makes me look like a prat

Expectations run high with each one I try

Contemplating a happy outcome
I check my reflection, Oh golly!! Oh my!!
It looks like a pea on a drum
 Boonies and bucket hats, stetsons and caps
Cause high jinks and mirth far and near
Homburgs, fedoras, sombreros, sou'westers
Give people good reason to jeer

But finally I found the Rolls-Royce of beanies

A magic hat - heed what I say
The shopkeeper chuckled and made a wry face
But I bought the darn thing anyway

In the wee small hours when its just getting light

The day's plans running round in my brain
I pull down the beenie to cover my eyes
And I magically nod off again

It works like a charm, it's eerie, it's spectral

It silences snores, it's extreme
In my mind is a picture - I'm wearing a hat
Looking swell, what the hell, I can dream
 PENNY'S NEW BOOTS

Salomon and Salomon, boots just fabricated

An exact mirror image, expectantly waited
But instead of the mountains and hills they desired
They stayed in their box, as yet not required

For months they stood by, ready for action

Impatiently hoping for any distraction
But a tour of the house was the high spot to date
If boots can be angry, these boots were irate

The day finally came and at last they roamed free

'Roldan with a paddle', from the crest to the sea
They leapt and they gambolled, they capered and pranced
At home in the mountains, delighted, entranced

Now Salomon and Salomon stride out together

No blisters, no friction, in foul or fair weather
The comfort and fit of this stylish footwear
Make Penny B feel like she's floating on air
 KEVIN’S NEW SOCKS

Leaping and bounding, hippety-hop

Flouncing and floating right up to the top
Swooping and skimming over the rocks
Kevin, footloose in his new hiking socks
 LA MAMA

The first time we tackled 'The Nipple' which is also known as La Mama
The leader said "Today’s walk's a toughie", We replied "No Problema"

It was really a pleasant excursion till we dropped from Cumbre del Cid
On a vertical scree our choice seemed to be, to slide or slither or skid

When we safely got down to the bottom, the leader exclaimed “Well done,
But there’s no time to shilly or shally, we didn’t come here to have fun"

The breeze was gathering momentum, it was perfect for flying a kite
But as no-one had thought to pack one, we carried on, gaining more height

We managed to stay at the top, for maybe three minutes at most

Till the leader says "Come on let's leg it, we're being blown from pillar to post"

The second time we tackled 'The Nipple' we set out on an easier track
But the wind having other ideas, did its best to again blow us back

Just yards from our due destination on the trickiest, steepest terrain
The wind gently picked up our leader before dropping him back down again

His hat sailed away on a thermal, it soared like a swallow at play

It fair broke his heart watching helpless, as his seventy pound hat flew away

Three intrepid souls kept on climbing, but one by one had to declare
They could have got right to the summit but the wind was spoiling their hair

So if you want to tackle La Mama, my advice is, go elsewhere instead

But if you insist, keep your feet on the ground and staple your hat to your head
 THANKS POSTIE

You deliver the mail unfailingly

In sun and wind and rain
With cheery smile and bright "Hello"
And "Turned out nice again"

May I suggest a strategy

To brighten all our lives
Bring a million pounds from Ernie
Instead of twenty-fives!!
 THE TEN SHILLING NOTE
(A true story)

As a very young boy of fourteen I set out one night through the week
To meet my girlfriend from Girl Guides, the beautiful Angelique

It was a dark and windy evening and just as I put on my coat

My dad said "Get me some fags son" and gave me a ten shilling note

I rode to the unlighted village impatient to see my sweet beau

But ahead of our due assignation, felt a desperate need to go

Quickly I rode down the lane and clambered over a wall

And did what they call a 'green fielder', it really was a close call
 I returned, feeling much better, then the blood turned cold in my veins
I'd wiped my bum with the ten bob note instead of using my brains

Ten shilling back then was a fortune, all my dad's money was blown
He was surely going to kill me, without it I couldn't go home

A giggling mass of young girls shot out from the village school
"Oh Angelique, here’s your boyfriend", I turned red and tried to act cool

Thinking as quick as I could, I asked to borrow a torch

"Something fell off my bike, I'll find it while you wait in the porch"

"Oh do let us help you” they squealed, "After all we are all Girl Guides"
"Well, its quicker to do it myself, and besides its freezing outside"

I knew that my chances were slim, a one in a million shot

I could kiss goodbye to that errant note . . . or maybe not

I tore down the lane, hurdled the wall, turned on the torch and Whoopee!
Something drew me straight to it, I was deliriously happy with glee

The reason it hadn’t sailed off - well, let's keep the story clean
My girlfriend was happy to see me and I had ten shillings safe in my jeans

The shopkeeper looked at me sideways and covertly sniffed the air

As she handed over the Woodbines I silently offered a prayer

My dad got his smokes for the morning and asked “All OK”
I grinned and said “Yes dad, no problem, just an ordinary day ”
 A SHORT VERSE

My poems are growing longer

When reciting I run out of puff
Lungs, once much stronger
Struggle with long-winded stuff

So, I'm writing this short refrain

To curb my penchant to ramble
I'm trying my best to abstain
From including excess preamble

I'd like to say it's a breeze

But the truth is, it isn't at all
Some writers do it with ease
I go large rather than small

So in future when penning a verse

And my lines seem a little snappy
Or appear to be overly terse . . .

Let me throw in a line overblown . . . that's no longer pared down to the

bone . . . that takes on a life of its own . . . that may make you chuckle or
groan . . . of a gargoyle that's carved out of stone . . . parachutes above
the drop zone . . . the baddest badass since Capone . . . the last of the
species alone . . . the smell of grass freshly mown . . . the melt-in-the-sun
ice cream cone . . . smooth jazz from a cool saxophone . . . the wrong that
you cannot condone . . . to say scon or should it be scone . . . can Canute
turn the tide from his throne . . . a neverending line in a poem . . .
that's more than a little slaphappy
 THE STRANGE DISAPPEARANCE
OF OUR LEADER'S CAR KEYS

Hocus Pocus - Bottle - Glass,

The greatest illusion could never surpass,
The teleportation with clandestine ease,
From the left to the right of a set of car keys

"Bad news", said our leader "I've searched everywhere,

But the keys to the car, well they're simply not there,
They were safe in my pocket and now they are lost,
How much will a fifty mile taxi ride cost?"

"You plonker, you idiot, you blockhead, you swine!!"

Just some of the words in Mrs C's mind,
"Check all your pockets and check them again,
You'd be even more dangerous if you had half a brain"

Our leader's hand dipped and withdrew magically,

Not a dove - nor a rabbit - but a set of car keys,
"I swear on my life that that pocket's unused,
A redundant appendage - I'm really confused"

A conundrum, a riddle, an enigma, a mystery,

In a strange barren landscape sculpted by history,
But the dinosaur knows more of the where and the why,
I'll swear that he winked as we slowly drove by

So its either a case of mere memory lapse,

A senior moment but maybe, perhaps,
A magical transfer cross physical space,
Has absolved our leader from eternal disgrace.
 THE HOTEL
(Another true story)

Each year we drive to the south of Spain to soak up the sun's warm rays
But we like to maintain a leisurely pace, so it takes us two full days

Which means we stay at Hotel-and-Go, which sadly has one minor flaw
It's hidden away and still hard to find, even though we’ve been there before

So this time I went into Google maps and zoomed in to the nth degree
The coordinates set, I was happy to let the sat nav find it for me

"You have reached your destination" the confident voice rang out
"No we bloody haven't" I cried "We're in the middle of a roundabout"

Ahead in the dark was a restaurant, so I went in to ask their advice

As to where the hotel was located, the directions were very precise

Turn to the left then left again then follow the road to the right
Go under a bridge, cross two roundabouts and the hotel will come into sight
 So we turned to the left, then left again and the road became a dirt track
We skidded and squealed with mud on the wheels with no way to reverse or turn back

We arrived at the hotel tired and irate, vowing never to come back again
I brought up the suitcase and a buzzing began, it was going to drive us insane

The noise came out of a grille, and although to heights I’m averse
I climbed on a chair and took it apart and succeeded in making it worse

The receptionist had nowhere to move us, the hotel was full to the brim
My resolve stayed firm and unshaken, I wasn’t prepared to give in

Myself and the girl had a stand-off, with neither-one keen to back down
But fair play to her, she came up to the room to confront the irritant sound

She stood and looked up at the grille, and concurred that the noise was a bummer
She twiddled and flicked and pressed and clicked, and decided we needed a plumber

"I'll find you another room", she said "You can’t stay in here tonight"
And so in the end she became my best friend, I could hardly contain my delight

I collected my kit and caboodle, pulled the case away from the wall
And the room immediately fell silent, not a trace of the buzzing at all

The noise had come from the suitcase, hard to believe but true
My battery shaver had turned itself on and the sound was vibrating through

It was amplified by the hollow stud wall to emerge from the grille overhead
So the cause of the noise I had misdiagnosed creating confusion instead

I went down to the desk at reception to confess to the girl my ‘faux pas’
"Guess what, you’ll never believe it, the buzzing stopped, I know its bizarre”

So these days I’ll choose a hotel that’s easy find and what’s more
I take out the batteries from every device and lay the case on the floor
 THE RELUCTANT LEADER
I like to follow - I'm good at it

I led a walk the other day,

And out of ten walkers, nine knew the way
Which left only me, alone in the dark
It was quite an achievement to find the car park

I fired up the Garmin and the app on my phone

Plus the map and the write-up that I'd printed at home
Thus fully prepared and ready to roll
My confidence soared I WAS in control

Then a voice from the back said, "Please gather round,

With the rain that we've had there'll be some muddy ground
So the route that was planned must be amended
From that moment on my confidence ended
 Up till half way the going was fair
We went hither and dither, up here and down there
Then our trusty backmarker came up to the front
Saying "Follow me son, because to be blunt
The landscape has altered, there's been a great change
Now its more like the Somme than a rough mountain range"

And so we were led through the gloop and the clag

Till back on dry land we again hit a snag
A consultant advisor stepped up to the plate
"You mustn't turn left you have to go straight,
But its only advice which you don't need to heed"
Now I'm totally confused, Its tough having to lead

I was so far away from my carefully prepared plan

Like a drowning man clutching at straws, I began
To accept any guidance, instruction, support
Its clear as a leader I was going to fall short

The walk nearly over, destination in sight

Someone suggested that maybe we might
Climb the steps to the Mirador to take in the views
What a splendid idea, how could I refuse!

The scenery was sumptuous, the landscape divine

A fitting reward for a very steep climb
So thanks to my mentors to Helmut and John
To George, Dave and Carol who guided me on
We breasted the tape, reached the end of the track
Now the time’s come to hang up my boots and rucksack

I've loved every minute of my time here in Spain

And I'm counting the days till I come back again
So here's to the next time, thanks everyone
For the fun and the laughter and our walks in the sun
 THE CROP CIRCLE

A friend, let's call him George,

Its his name when all's said and done
Said your bald spot's growing a pace,
I chuckled, he's having a go at someone

But the walkers around me were ladies,

Brunettes and blondes, trim and cute
And one bloke who's blessed with a barnet
So shaggy you'd call him hirsute

I thought, surely he doesn't mean me,

I was known for my opulent thatch
I needed a haircut every three or four days,
Did I really have a bald patch?

I studied my head through the glass

And a circle of pink brightly shone
It had slyly crept up from behind
And enlarged to a fly's landing zone

My doc said I've got something here,

For your lacklustre falling out hair
And prescribed me a large paper bag
"You can keep it forever in there"

They say bald men make the best lovers,

Too late I'm afraid for me
If only I'd gone bald in my twenties,
I'd have memories to last endlessly

So, that's it, I'm way past my best,

Its downhill with my foot on the brake
You're old when it comes to your birthday
And the candles cost more than the cake

But I plan to live way past a hundred,

So really I don't give a fig
I'll put on one side a little each week
And purchase the Rolls Royce of wigs
 NOAH’S ARK

God was well peeved with the whole human race

It was time for a wake up call
The way they behaved was a wicked disgrace
He was pretty upset all-in-all

So he sent a dispatch without hemming or hawing

To Noah, a man good with wood
Start building an ark, start hammering and sawing
There's going to be a great flood

So Noah set to with conviction and strength

In the Bible it’s well documented
To construct an ark of two soccer fields length
A game as yet not invented

His neighbours all hooted and hollered and jeered

You'll never get that to float
It hasn't rained here for many a year
The last thing you need is a boat
 But Noah cracked on, undaunted, unbowed
And made the ark watertight
He looked up at the sky and saw the first cloud
The forecast was ‘Rain before night’

Then God said to Noah "Now you must assemble

The animals in pairs, two by two"
"So when you are done the ark should resemble
A state-of-the-art floating zoo"

The word went out and the beasties embarked

The lions of course were the first
Followed much later by two alligators who remarked
“We're happier submersed”

The birds of the air, fine feathered and fair

Lifted the mood with their song
The badgers were charged with the safety and care
Of the sad, the bad and headstrong

Hippos and elephants went down below

For ballast to help with the weight
Camels and tigers and monkeys and buffaloes
Searched for their cabin name-plates

All loaded aboard except for the no-shows

Dragons - a well-known example
The ant eaters moaned “We’d like to propose
That two ants are simply not ample”
 The rain poured down for six weeks straight
It covered the low and the high
But Noah, his family and his hairy shipmates
Were happy and snug in the dry

Then came the day the sun broke through

The rain ceased altogether
The owls went ‘Woo Hoo’ and the cows went ‘Moo’
Thank God for better weather

A raven was given the onerous duty

‘Find land whatever the cost’
Noah told the dove "You'd best shake your bootie
It seems that the raven’s got lost"

The dove did his best, of that there's no doubt

But the water was everywhere
It was taking an age for the earth to dry out
“Hang on in”, Noah cried “Don’t despair”

Finally a dove with a twig in its beak

Delivered a fresh olive branch
The waters went down and within a week
They’d all disembarked, ‘Carte Blanche’

A magnificent rainbow, its rays reflected

Over Mount Ararat made plain
From that day on, the earth was protected
It would never be flooded again
 TOO DARN HOT!!

Houston, We have a problem

There's a heat source come up on our screen
Its power is really quite something
A phenomenon in truth rarely seen

The source of the heat we've located

To a bungalow in south eastern Spain
It dies down a tad after bedtime
But the next day it flares up again

This is Houston, your call has been noted

Our top men already deployed
The president, briefed just this morning
Sleepy Joe's hopping mad, he's annoyed

Stand down Houston, crisis averted

The President, would you kindly inform
Of Dave and his new central heating
Now cranked down from red hot to warm
 A WALK LESS HAIRY

Our leader, after years of walking the hills

Was asked if he still liked the danger, the thrills
The spine tingling moments astride a knife edge
The adrenaline rush on a narrow high ledge

"There are only two types of walk" he said,

"If you fall off the first you will end up dead,
But a walk less hairy can keep you amused
And should you fall off, well you'll only be bruised"

“So now I enjoy less challenging climbs

Admiring the scenery, taking my time
Older and wiser with vigilant tread
Less hairy walks, less hair on my head”
 DESIGNER DOGS

Cockapoos, Labradoodles,
Cavapoos and Oodle Spoodles,
Sprockerpoos, Irish Troodles,
Maltipoos or simply Schnoodles

Multitudes of deviant Doodles,

Poos and cute expensive Toodles,
Consequences of canoodles
Carried out with hoochey Poodles