Choices. Everyone has choices and they make them every day.

This one day in

particular, a choice was made that changed the lives of so many people, all of them,
innocent.

April 23, 2018 is a day that I will never forget.

To this day, when I close my eyes and think about what happened, I have flashbacks; I
see the victims, the fear, the confusion and hear the panic in the voices.

I live with the thought, "was there more I could have done to help?" It’s guilt and
remorse I still feel even though caused by another person's evil choices.

By happenstance, being one of the first people on scene as a first responder, I was the
last person to see them alive even as I was giving the victims medical attention,
administering CPR and/or being the last voice they heard.

I am unable to forgive the individual who caused such a horrific scene and made
Toronto an international event, eventually known as the “Toronto van attack.” The
incident is the deadliest vehicle-ramming attack in Canadian history. Eleven people died
and 15 were injured.

I did not endure physical wounds, such as the innocent individuals who did, being in the
wrong place at the wrong time. However, I have had to live through the psychological
trauma which I have still not overcome. One day, I hope that peace will come.

Four long years have passed and I reflect now and then on how my life is progressing. I
used to take things for granted because I assumed that there would be many more life
moments, however, I have seen first hand on how fragile life can be.
One moment you are getting your lunch with your colleagues, and the next moment, the
unthinkable occurs and the lives of so many people are forever changed.

A part of me has departed with the victims, caused by empathy one should feel for
others. Sometimes I think of one of the people who I tried to save. One particular victim
left behind a young son, in the wake of her death.
I administered her CPR and told the woman to stay with me as I could see her life
slipping away.
When her son becomes older, I would be open to speaking with him about his mother
who tried with all her might to live. Her memory should live on as a legacy.

I hope that one day, I attain somewhat closure and solace due to this horrific ordeal.
However, at the moment, I cannot make sense of it, as I know that this terrible
nightmare is in fact a sad reality for myself and to many others.

May we all find an eventual catharsis and band and grow together in the wake of this
tragedy and become #TorontoStrong.
“The truth that I have been seeking — This truth is Death. Yet Death is also a seeker.
Forever seeking me. So — We have met at last. And I am prepared. I am at peace.” -
Bruce Lee

By Tanya Kouzos (nee Kolenko)