The Coolest 

Guy in Khan 
Market 
Friends Edition 

 
Karmaditya 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
To my Ex – Girlfriend
Fuck You.
 Chapter 1 – Pehla
Bagga
13/1/2019

Night

I see her sitting across the room, having dinner with some guy at this upscale Chinese
restaurant. I look weird sitting here alone.

“Water for now”, I tell the waiter.

Why is she laughing like that? She has that twinkle in her eye, you know, she’s playing with
her hair, touching his hand constantly while speaking. Everything straight out of some
shitty buzzfeed article “10 signs she’s REALLY into you” She would just be on her phone
when she was with me, a narcissistic shield that you just can’t penetrate. Like I could never
understand what she was thinking about or what she was going to do, sometimes she was
totally in love with me and sometimes not at all. Oh that’s just great, they’re splitting
dessert now. Fuckin Bitch.

“Anything else, sir?”

“Hmm…Another glass of water.”

“Mineral, Sir?”

“Absolutely not.”

I’ve never seen this guy around, he’s different you know, that jacket looks really expensive,
so do those shoes. He’s tall, has that lean muscular kinda body, probably does crossfit. Now
that I think about it, I mean, matlab, kaafi cool hai banda. He’s sitting with so much like, you
know, swagga. There’s just something really cool about him. I can see other people in the
restaurant looking at him from the corner of their eyes. I don’t know what it is about him, I
think I have been staring more at this guy rather than looking at my ex. I just might have a
mancrush on this guy myself and I haven’t even seen his face yet, all I can see is the back of
his head.

I kinda feel like his name is something fancy, like Zedd or even cooler like just ‘Z’, not the
usual Karan, Rahul, Arjun. Something really fancy and sleek. He looks like a new iPhone,
just .. you know..just…Bhencho rich.. He’s definitely a model, I bet he has like 50K followers
on his instagram. I have 17 followers, including my mom and 3 colony aunties from her
kitty. I’m actually okay with him dating my ex, like even I would break up with me within
seconds if I could date this dude, he deserves it. What a dude! You Rock Brother!

She can’t stop laughing, what’s wrong with her?... He’s probably really funny, making smart
jokes about politics or something. I’m sure back in school he must have been the football
team striker and the lead singer of his college band and the rich kid with the sports car and
the smart kid in the debating team all wrapped up in one. Shit, how will I ever compete
with this guy, he’s the coolest guy I’ve ever seen in Khan Market and Khan Market has the
cream of Rich Cool guys.

I come to Khan Market quite often actually, mostly just to smoke a cigarette, nice ambience
here, better than my usual panwari, misty Delhi nights, drunk Delhi girls, thumping bar
music coming from these very breakable two-storey structures that were clearly not made
to sustain, “Titillating Saturday nights with DJ Dilip.” That is what I was doing actually, just
smoking a cigarette and looking at girls when I noticed my ex and Mr. Coolest Guy in Khan
Market, just walking into this fancy place.

Okay, they’re getting up now…..

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m hoping to find following her and her date. Maybe I just
want to solve the mystery of love. Does it even exist? Is it so easy to move on from one guy
to the next? Because she like said I love you to me, like we were dating, I’m not a creep, I
swear! Or maybe, now that my college sabbatical has gone over 2 years, I’m just going with
the flow of events. We’ve crossed Townhall, I hear jazz music in the background, that’s how
I know. You get the best fucking sushi here, like Rahul Gandhi comes here every Sunday. I
mean that’s what I’ve heard, I’ve never really gone inside.

Weekdays are generally quieter and lonelier in Khan, shops shut early so there isn’t a lot of
light, just some not so enthusiastically lit neon lights that say ‘BAR’, and the obvious one or
two flickering yellow street lights in the background somewhere. Plus if you’re a stalker, 2​ nd

week of January really gives you a lot of natural cover as fog.

I see them walk hand in hand, like a real couple. He’s putting his hands around her
shoulders now and kissing her forehead, the only place she ever let me kiss. He pulls her
closer. Yup, my heart just shattered. They continue walking towards that side of Khan
Market where rich people don’t go. These are small alleys opposite the main market, mostly
spare auto repair shops and ration ki dukaan type of grocery stores for the lower class, the
class which doesn’t come all the way to Khan Market to buy Avocados. Retail prices drop
around here. A contrast to the rich upscale shops of Khan.

I keep following them but I can’t see them properly now, there is just too much fog.
#StalkerProblems. I catch some speed and I’m able to see a faint outline of the Cool guy,
alone, jogging away. I can’t see Rhea anywhere. The flickering yellow street light also
makes it hard to see. I’m having a bad feeling about this, there is a chill down my spine, my
stalker sense is tingling.
As I go further, I step on something wet, there is a splash and I look down, my white shoe
sole is soaked in red. ‘Bhenchod pan kisne thooka?’ is my first thought, but as the fog
cleared, I see the glacier from which this red river was flowing, it my ex’s slit throat. Rhea
was on the ground her eyes rolled up, her throat sliced open, her legs still twitching and a
knife laying next to her. Oh Fuck! She’s been murdered!

I can’t move. My feet are stuck to the ground, HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK? That guy killed
her. Holy FUCK!. I can’t move. I don’t know what to do? What are you supposed to do? Okay
Fucking Shit! I feel like crying and I can’t breathe. I think her tongue is coming out of the
slit. What the fuck? I have to puke, okay… don’t puke... I’m going to puke...I’m going to puke
on her. Shit, I can’t make my head move. Oh fuck..it’s coming. I don’t want to puke on Rhea.
Shit, I think I just puked on my dead ex – girlfriend.

20 Minutes Later….

Her neck’s been sliced end to end and her blood has covered the street making a giant
puddle. #WorstDateEver.

I’ve puked six times already sitting on this pulsar 10 meters away from my dead ex, really
shouldn’t have had kadi chawal for dinner, it looks pretty disgusting out there. I’ve been
waiting for the police and the ambulance to show up. I don’t know what it is, few minutes
back I loved this person with all my heart, now she just creeps me out. Like she was like a
person, functioning, now I can see her larynx. Fuck phir se ulti aa rahi hai.

I see the red and blue of the shitty police Balero in the rear view mirror. “Objects in the
mirror seem closer than they are.” Thanks for that universe.

“Shuru se bata.” They’ve opened the boot of the balero and made me sit inside. I held a
plastic bag in my hand while talking to the officer. I contaminated the scene a bit because
like I puked on the body.

“Toh mein cigarette pee raha tha, mein yahaan ata hun, Khan Market, matlab cigarette
peene, matlab, ambience achi hai yahaan, meine isse dekha kissi ke saath, meri matlab
friend hain yeh, mein janta hun isse, matlab, Whatsapp karte the kabhi kabhi. Toh maine
awaaz di, isne sunna nahi, mein gaya inke peeche toh maine yeh dekha. Fir aapko phone
kar diya.” Bhenchod gand phatti hui hai, I hope my lie is convincing, I don’t want to tell
them that like I was dating her, now I follow her, aise hi. It won’t sit right, you know.

“Kahaan rehta hai tu?”, he asked.

“Lajpat Nagar”, I said.

“Toh idhar kyun aata hai cigarette pene?” he said.

“Bus aise hi”, I said.

“Aise hi?”, he said.

“……….” I looked at him, he looked at me, probably expected an answer, I didn’t have any.

“Kaisa dikhta tha voh?”

“Bohot sahi dikhta tha.”

“……….” We share another silent moment

“Matlab cool dikhta tha, model jaisa, lumba tha, body achi thi, lean - muscular, Insta-Celeb,
jacket, joote vagera, sab in fashion, shakal nahi dekh paya mein.”

“Bhai, dhang se samjha de.”

“Sir matlab, cool types… like.. Swag?” He ignored that.

“Lardki ko kaise janta tha tu?”

“Amity.”

“Tu Amity mein hai?”

“Nahi maine sabbatical leh liya.”

“Kya leh liya?”

“Dropout.”

“…….” I don’t think he understood.

“Arrey nahi mann karta college jaane ka”, I explained.

“Thane chalna padega, mann kare ya na kare.”

“Nahi… Woh... mummy soti nahi hai jub tak mein ghar nahi aata.”

“Mummy ko bol sojaien, time lagega.”

Late Night

The police station is such a disappointment, This looks more like an office. What is this?
Where are the swinging doors? The photo of Subhash Chandra Bose and Gandhi ji? No wait
is that Ambedkar, vaise I can never tell the difference. They made me wait for 2 hours
before they called me to the inspectors office.
I sat across the table from Inspector Dhaiya and his right hand man Sub – Inspector Babbu.
Looked like a typical Jaat, big frame, short hair, limbs bigger than average and Dhaiya
looked like a tough but understanding guy in his late forties. Kinda like a really dark Om
puri. They’ve just been staring at me for about 20 minutes now.

“Tameez se bata de kyun kiya”, Babbu said in a typical Jaat accent.

“Meine kya kiya?”

“Arrey bata de, first offence hai bach jayega.”

“Sir meine kuch nahi kiya, mein cigarette peene aata houn khan market, lardki dekhi, hi
bola….”

“Oo re bohot sun liya tera drama, tune nahi mara toh Khan market ke CCTV mein kyun sirf
tu hai!”

“Sir yeh drawing dekho, aisa dekhta tha woh.” I got up and took the inspectors notepad and
drew a bad stick figure like something. They looked at me blankly.

“Bubbu phone dekh ladke ka”, Dhaiya said

“Nahi, mein nahi dikhounga.” I mean they’re invading my privacy man, and like thats my
personal space and stuff. He snatched it anyway. I don’t know why I don’t have a fucking
password on this.

“Arrey yo dekh loh! Ladki ki photo” Bubbu showed Dhaiya my phone wallpaper. Its Rhea.

Inspector Dhaiya looked at me and then gave Bubbu a look. Bubbu grabbed me by the hair
and dragged me to a old file cabinet. Once I balanced myself and looked at him, while
screaming like a bitch, he slapped me with his police hands.

Lets say you’re playing gully cricket and you have to do fielding right next to the batsman
on silly point. Imagine the batsman totally missing the ball and hitting your head with full
force with his bat. That’s how the slap felt.

My head crashed with the file cabinet and I fell down. “Arrey nahi mara.. Kya nahi samajh
aa raha aapko” I started shouting like I was arguing with my mom while tears and snot
gushed out of my face.

Babbu held me by the guddi (G - u - the: the tender area behind the neck held usually by a
bad boy) “Sun re baat O kabutar! Seedhe seedhe bata de.”

“Bhaiyya nahi mara meine… jisne mara woh bhaag gaya.” I said hoping I might touch some
human side of this tall, blood thirsty, ulti khopadi, phuddu jaat.
Phuddu kept looking at me with his big yellow eyes and the smell of cheap liquor on his
breath. Bhenchod cigarette peene aaya tha, kya ho raha hai meri life ko? Thappard maar
rahe hai log, girl friend ka gala kaat diya kissi ne, bhenchod kya ho raha hai yeh?

Inspector Dhaiya entered, and some other policewala brought him a chair on which he sat.

“Beta, jail ki life buri nahi, abhi bataega toh sirf 5-7 saal ki sazza hai, investigation ke baad
pakda gaya toh Lifetime lag jayega, please understand this otherwise your life will be in
jeopardy”, the inspector said.

I’m thinking what you’re thinking inti acchi English? Woh bhi police wala? Shocking na.

“Sir meine sach mein kuch nahi kiya, usne kiya hai, bohot cool lardka tha sir, rich, tall,
Matlab like Kanan Gill meets Ranbir Kapoor meets Brad Pitt. Samajh rahe ho aap?” I don’t
know how where that came from but actually this is a very good description, at least what I
got from sort of looking at him.

“Matlab, Cool!, Yo!, Bro!, Vaisa kuch.” I did something with my hand to represent cool with
gestures. They looked at each other, confused by this description.

Babbu, agitated, initiated to slap me again, I flinched, the inspector signaled Babbu with his
hand not to do it.

“Beta, we don’t have any proof of that, you can’t even describe the guy but we do have you
on the crime scene, her photograph as your wallpaper and the CCTV footage please confess
and let us help you. Babbu, let’s give him some time” Bro yeh banda kitni acchi English bol
raha hai, mein toh ussi ka fan hun.

He said that and left with Bubbu and locked the cabinet door from the outside

Early Morning

Babbu entered the Room

“O re Bandar, you can leave.” Bhencho yeh bhi English! Hum log bohot underestimate
kartien hain police walon ko, nahi?

“Uth na.” He held me by the collar to pick me up. I pushed his hands.

“Oye Bas!” I stood up and said with courageous eyes “Bete! Monty bhai hai mera, Lajpat
Nagar ka badmaash hai woh, bohot upar tak pohonch hai meri.” He slapped me again
regardless, took a photocopy of my license and my parents number, then I left.
 Chapter 2 – Doosra
Bagga
14/1/2019

Morning

The police thinks I killed Rhea, so will everybody else if I don’t find who this guy is. I’m at
the funeral and I am sad, like she was the love of my life but I’m a little preoccupied right
now, I can be jailed for her murder. And you know what they do to pretty guys like me in
jail….They rape them, like if you didn’t get that.

I don’t know why I just expected this guy to show up at the funeral. He didn’t. But yaar
bohot sahi crowd aaya hua hai. We’re at the lodhi road crematorium and the whole road
outside is blocked, like officially. The kind of cars that are in the parking, I have only seen
on desktop backgrounds. Matlab Audi , BMW mein toh ganda crowd aaya hai. I even took a
couple of selfies with some cars.

I always knew Rhea was well off but this is high society, like ultra rich, like highest of the
high society, this is south delhi on steroids, like iske upar sirf illuminati hai. Yeh log itne
ameer hain kissi bhi time polo khel sakte hain. She use to live at Sujan Singh Park, that’s like
upper middle class, but mujhe nahi pata tha Sujan Singh Park wale itne ameer hain. Holy
shit I think that’s Shahshi Tharoor, fuck I just saw Shashi Tharoor.

If she was so rich why did I have to pay for coffee when we went out? Where are feminists
when you need them? Okay wait..wait. I need to concentrate, What should be my next
move? I got it, lets just observe. That’s always the start.

Okay so her body is in the middle of the hall. She had such a good body, pink lips, so fair,
light eyes, like she looked white; but she was Indian, like that colour, the really fair brown
girl, that’s my colour in women. Thats most indians’ colour in women, don’t even pretend
you don’t know what I’m talking about.

She was so hot man, like she’s going to be in a couple of minutes #CremationJokes.

Around the body we have in the immediate circle, the mom, the dad, the Taaya and Taayi.
The Taayi is a white blonde, nice, good work Taaya - ji. I recognize them from her family
photos on Rhea’s facebook. I know her mom’s a socialite, I saw her photo once on HT city
and underneath it said ‘Delhi’s top Socialite’ and then I searched her on facebook and saw a
few photographs of her with those cocktail glasses and stuff. I sent her a request, she didn’t
accept it. She seems like a nice rich lady going with the no make-up look I suppose.

The dad is just sort of out of it, looking really aloof, that’s understandable, a short, clean
shaven sweet looking guy. Then next I see is the Taaya. The Taaya has that pedo mustache,
the handle bar thing, he seems to be handling all the proceedings and the Taayi who’s
white, damn! Good for you uncle, you know a family is rich when they have a white person
in it.

Okay, this observation thing is not working, I thought I’ll find clues like Sherlock homes, but
I guess I’m just stating the obvious like ACP Praduman. Lets just keep going, then we have
the cousins, all of them are in sunglasses for some reason. The girls are in quite a lot of
make up, and very apparently over dressed like they specially went for shopping before
coming to this, wearing the Zara funeral collection. All white heels and a white bindi, I
guess rich people need an excuse. The guy cousins are wearing white Nehru jackets and
white pointy shoes with like white pants. White pants, because you never know when you
have to polo.

But these aren’t the big buckle belt wearing crass kinda rich, ki gurgaon mein zameen bech
di aab hum audi chalatien hain. These are the khandani ameer, the Jindals, the modi’s the
kinda surnames you see often on central Delhi bunglows.

Then just rich middle aged men, like the kind of people you’ll generally see in the IPL
VVVVIP box and rich middle aged women, the kind that look like they kill 101 dalmatians
for fun. Rich middle aged women just look mean for some reason. Probably extended
family, friends of the parents, something like that.

Most of her friends from school have showed up I guess, I recognize some from her
2007-2013 facebook timeline. But, for sure a lot of guys than girls are here, most I don’t
recognize, some are even crying. It seems like the whole friend zone present. She was
always popular among guys, she was really hot…Is really hot..was. Most guys she used to
just friend zone. If friendzone was an actual place, this funeral would be it.

Most of her friends from Amity didn’t show up, I’m guessing because they were in college
already when they found out and couldn’t skip it. Amity is very strict about attendance, like
a guy actually committed suicide because of their strict attendance policies. That’s part of
the reason why I never went back to Amity, it was too anal for me. Homework kyun nahi
kiya? Nahi kiya, bus nahi kiya, tumne bhi toh life mein bohot kuch nahi kiya, tabhi toh tum
teacher ho.

Fuck I got distracted again. Okay Bagga back in the zone! So now technically whoever cries
the most loved her the most. Lets see… who’s the loudest here…there she is, that’s
Akanksha, the fat best friend, sorry that’s the best I can describe her. All I know about her is
that she’s in LSR and Rhea and her were best friends in school and even though they were
in different colleges they were still very close ..still are very close.. sorry my past- present
tenses are little fucked up right now.
Akanksha just really doesn’t give a shit where her snot goes, on herself, on other people on
Rhea’s little cousins, on the Rhea’s dead body. God her snot is everywhere, okay I can’t look
at her anymore, that’s it. At least now I’m not the only one to leave bodily fluids on her
body.

She was the only school friend of Rhea that I actually ever spoke to, like once. But, she was
always a bitch to me. She even blocked me on facebook but I honestly don’t blame her, our
conversations were like this:

“HEy Akanksha, Shes not responding to my texts, its been days, I just want to make sure
she’s okay, I love her pls tell her dat. Please tell hr I Luv hr. And tell hr I’m sorry, I’ll do
anything to get her back, plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss……”

“You can’t message this person anymore”,​ F ​ acebook said, which means she either blocked
me or deactivated her facebook profile for some other reason, coincidentally after reading
my message. I think it was the first one. I only knew the fat girl, so I went and stood next to
her. God no snot sprinkles please. I think I should pretend to cry as well, to like blend in.

“God I’ll miss her. Kyun chhord ke chali gayi tum humme?”

The fat girl forgot she was crying for a second, then in a jerk turned her head towards me
and stared at me with dead angry eyes. Didn’t say a word.

While she was in motion one snot droplet detached itself from the dropping snot glacier
and bulleted towards my face. It was on my face now, dripping down my cheek. I couldn’t
wipe it off while she was looking at me; she had to be an ally. Please stop looking at me,
please stop looking at me. I continued to heavy breathe. She looked straight again and
started crying. Okay, I guess we’ll talk later.

The body had been in the oven for about 15 minutes and everyone had sort of let the water
works down but Akanksha was making way too much noise now, I took one step on the
side. Rhea’s mom came towards Akanksha and hugged her, probably just to shut her up.
Honestly, she was really spoiling the vibe. The vibe was of tender tears not howling
mariyats.

“That’s it. That’s it” Rhea’s mom comforted her.

15 more minutes pass and I think everybody is quite done now, these electric cremations
are quick, I had no idea. Everybody starts to make a move. There is a point in communal
grief when everybody is like “yeah, I think we’re pretty much done now.” Because we are
all slaves of our distractions, wah kya line boli hai. Also like 8 people actually give a shit
about the person who has died, everybody else is just engrossed with the thought ‘yeh mar
gayi, aab hum bhi mar jayienge, what is life?’

Death ceremonies are like an unsaid deal we have with our relatives, ‘tum humare marne
pe aana, hum tumhare marne pe ainge, theek hai? Done.’
As Aakanksha walks towards her car, its parked on the main road outside the crematorium,
I try to catch hold of her. Her eyes are still watering.

“Hey!” I use the perfect conversation starter

“…..” She keeps on walking, doesn’t even look at me, like tumhare bhai ko full ignore marr
diya.

“I wanted to talk to you about her.”

“She didn’t love you, go away.”

“I know, I know, this is not about that.”

She sits in the car.

“Meet me at Khan in the evening, please, I’ll be next to the panwari.” I squeezed this line in
before she closed the door.

She drove away.

Evening

Khan is quite jolly in the evening, this is the time a lot moms and dads show up, that’s the
time this market becomes a real market, where families and the sheesha smoking young
people can co -exist. The young South Delhi crowd roams around in mixed groups. Rich
people show up and buy exotic fruits and pastry and quiche, whatever the fuck that is. A
nice vibe goes on in this market, I enjoy that, the brunch vibe, but like in the evening. I come
here for my brunch cigarettes on sunday.

Diplomats show up because they get international products here, it’s flooded with white
people at this time of the day. Which is like 70% of the reason why I’m here, ‘cause like
white girls….tsk tsk tsk tsk A1. Also, we have those very intellectual aunties who show up
here with the sole purpose to shop from FabIndia and then get a book while they’re at it.
For them, I think buying a kurti and a book is like, bhaiya pyaaz liya hai toh dhaniya toh
banta hai.

Khan is the main market for Central Delhi which is basically where the ultra rich live, that’s
why this is the most expensive market in India. People say go to Vasant Vihar if you want to
see the rich crowd, not for me, Khan has that European flavour to it, with the restaurants
that have entries from the back lane, small passageways, it kinda looks old from the outside
but still retains that charm about it. Even after the metro, it’s still maintained its class. No
West-Delhi blondes here. Different from like HauzKhas Village which is just crass and
commercial or worse Gurgaon, filled with, well, people like…me.

This is the only place where Indians living in India can show up in overcoats without
feeling like complete chutiyas. Some guys even show up wearing fedoras, a fedora doesn’t
suit anybody; in the history of humanity, no one has ever looked good in a fedora. The
streets are like the Fall 2019 collection. A fedora doesn’t suit anybody, nobody has ever
looked good in a fedora. That piece of accessory was just made to spot out the weak ones
from the rest. The kinda women that show up at this time is what makes South Delhi a
legend among its West & North Delhi counter parts. Like some of my friends specially come
here to use Tinder.

I mean, I’m no one to say. I’m wearing a cap and on top of that a hoodie, now that I’m
investigating I need to look the part. Also because my mom said, “thand hai, kaan covered
rakhiyo.”

It’s 8’o clock already, I don’t think Akanksha is going to show up now and I’m sure I didn’t
miss her because trust me it’s hard to miss that one…

Like because she’s fat.

Night

♪​Mein tera boy friend, tu meri girlfriend, oh menu kendi na na na na...♪​

I just had dinner and now I’m in my car and it’s time for my daily night drive, I drive
around, you know. There are some inbuilt delhi boy things I do. Plus it’s hard to sleep after
seeing what I saw. Everytime I shut my eyes, I see her lying in the alley, mist coming from
her open wound because the blood was still warm, the knife with blood on it lying next to
her body, her eyes open, eyeballs still moving and I’m like bro aaj sone ka scene off hai.

When I drive, I just, you know think about life and stuff, you can call me VELLA all you
want, I feel more at home in this car than anywhere else in the world. Bhenchod South
Delhi ke ladke hai hum, humien koi nahi rok sakta. Lajpat Nagar, GK, Vasant Kunj,
Represent! I have a black Scorpio and yeah sometimes people mistake me for a rapist but I
use that to my advantage, when another car is fighting with me for that two foot space
during a red light, guess which car gets it? This car. When I jump a red light, everybody just
accepts it. When I have my Punjabi songs on and I’m 80 kmph in 3​ gear, I own the road.
rd​

Unless you have a white fortuner. In that case, I’ll let you go because I think Toyota
officially stated that it’s a prerequisite to be an asshole to get a fortuner.

I had a really busy day today, first I googled how to solve a murder. They told me to
visualize my thoughts, have a murder wall where I put photos of suspects and newspaper
cuttings, bhenchod holiday homework karunga main? Yahaan lode lage hue hain. But I did
get started, I’ve seen 3 seasons of Castle and the full series of D.O.N – Detective Omkar Nath
so I know what I’m doing. I made a list of everyone I knew in her life, went on her Facebook
profile and tried to find out who this guy is. I know her Facebook page in and out, I can tell
you the exact number of likes on each of her photos, but I never saw a trace of this guy. I
don’t know where to begin, now that I’ve been stood up by that fat bitch. I’m sure Akanksha
knows this guy, I know girl BFFs share everything. And, if you’re dating a guy like that,
you’ll probably want to tell the world. #LadyKiller hahahaha…nice one Bagga.

I think I should go over to Akanksha’s place right now. Maybe not. Maybe I should wait for
the sun to come up. Maybe I should throw a stone at her window and yell “motiii!!!”. Or, I’ll
just wait.

I generally just roam around these Central Delhi bungalows, Prithvi Raj Road, Rajesh Pilot
Marg, sometimes I run into like Robert Vadra or like Saif Ali Khan, I just follow them then. I
have time.
 Chapter 3- Teesra
Bagga
15/1/2019

Morning

This fucking Akanksha is not picking up my phone. I’ve called her like 50 times. Okay
maybe not 50, like 7-8 times but you get the point, she is not picking up.

“Bro yeh Akanksha ka address bataiyo, haan moti wali, Defence Colony mein kahaan?” I
asked a bro while driving. It’s the first time I’ve left my house this early in a long time. It’s
like 11am. I only stalked Rhea after lunch. I mean ‘checked to see if she’s doing okay,
personally,’ after lunch. She was weird though, she would be online on Insta and Whatsapp
till like 5am but still be in college at 8. I use to get some weird satisfaction seeing her online.

Sometimes she would call me to pick her up from her house at Sujan Singh Park because
she didn’t have a ride to college. Then I used to sleep in the car and wait for her to come
back because I wasn’t allowed to get inside Amity, I’m on a sabbatical na. And amity is
fucked up like that, like bhenchod jab bacche suicide karne lagien, toh maybe you should be
a little less strict about your attendance policy. There was this kid, Sushant, who actually
committed suicide because Amity expelled him for having short attendance.

“C-block mein ‘Bagchi’ dhoond liyo, naale ke sath hai”, my half awake friend said.

“Bhenchod kissi kaam ka nahi hai tu.”

I stood in front of a red brick house after my walk from C-1 to C-127, which was a long
walk, it’s like 1pm now.

Bagchi C-127 was a red brick homely house. It’s an old construction, I could tell because it
had a black grill wala gate, nothing fancy. They had a few plants next to the gate, leading up
to the boundaries of the house, I’m guessing to save their parking spots. Kyunki, hum
bhenchod chutiye gamle bardash karlienge, lekin kissi aur ki gardi nahi. I let myself in. The
house had a little veranda where, guess what? They had more plants! I went ahead to
where the entrance to the ground floor was, the door had a dirty mesh. I looked for the bell
but it was outside the main entrance and there was no way I was going back to ring it.

The house felt a little old fashioned for Defence Colony. I knocked on the door, like that was
going to help. I shouted the most clichéd line ever, “Koi Hai?” A frail maid came out, she had
curly hair, graying from the side and it felt like she had been around for a while.
“Aunty….didi.. Akanksha hai?” I asked

“Aap kaun?”

“Mein unka friend.”

“Haan ek second.”

“Akuuu..” She called for her

Akanksha took some time to come out, she’s fat na.

Aunty…..Didi gave me a huge smile to kill time. I returned the smile. 2 seconds later we
were just two people awkwardly smiling at each other. I tried to end the awkwardness with
another clichéd line, “kaisi hai woh?”

“Didi roh rahi hai”, she said

“Drame khatam hi nahi hote.” Ohh shit, I said that out loud.

The smile vanishes, Aunty…didi.. looks away. There is awkwardness again.

A labrador comes jutting out of a room wagging his tale. Behind him, I see Akanksha slowly
walking towards me. She squinted her eyes like somehow she was zooming in on me.
Wrapped in her blanket, she had dried snot and some chips still stuck to it.

She came to the door, her eyes still squinting.

“Oh god! Why are you here?”

“Do minute baat kar leh yaar, I’ve called you like 50 times!”

“Why are you such a creep? She’s dead man, you’re stalking me now?”

“Hey! I have standards”, I corrected her.

“What do you want?” She said it like she really wanted me to go away.

“I was the one who called the cops, like I saw her with the guy that..the one who, you know..
tsk tsk” I did a completely inappropriate throat cutting action with my hands.

She didn’t say a word, just looked at me till aunty..didi interrupted us.

“Didi khanna laga diya, bhaiya bhi khayenge?” Akanksha was still in shock to say anything.

“Haan bhaiya khayenge” I answered on her behalf.

Her house was not a house, it was a home. It was like those very cozy comfortable houses, it
smelled like old people and had a very ‘Nani ka ghar’ feel. The antique wooden furniture,
family photos, the avalanche of books that had hit the living room, there were books
everywhere. The only books I have in my house are old text books that have been in the
exact same spot for 2 years.

The house was dimly lit in like that yellow warm kind of way and had a lot of sunlight
coming in. It was artsy with the paintings and the sculptures but not too much. Beige and
brown dominated the settings. The general vibe of the house said, these people read! The
setting was so perfect even I wanted to read and I have literally never read anything for
fun. Except, you know, ‘The Adventures of Savita Bhabhi’.

Akanksha and I placed ourselves on the dinner table next to one and another. Ohh yes,
Methi Aaloo! My favorite. I dove right in.

Akanksha kept looking at me and didn’t touch her food. Her loss, this was good.

“What were you doing there? You were stalking her, weren’t you? What the fuck are you
even doing now, you dropped out of Amity, right?”

“It’s a sabbatical.”

“Sure.”

“So I was at Khan, smoking a cigarette when I saw her with some guy, Didi aachaar dena,
he looked really cool, the coolest guy I’ve ever seen, ever, so like I said ‘hi’ to them, they
didn’t listen, I followed them and as I did I saw her on the ground, called the cops, they took
me to the police station, I made one phone call and they let me go. Thank you didi, bohot
swaad bana hai. Yeah so, can you tell me who this really cool murder was that she was
seeing lately?” I’m just going to stick with this story now.

“Describe him more.”

“So really cool..kinda like a mix between Kanan Gill, Ranbir Kapoor, and Brad Pitt.”

“What a dumb fucking description this is, describe his age, height, complexion, face, stuff
like that.”

“Okay like that, he was slightly older than us, he was fair like his hands and stuff, pretty tall,
like a model, super funny, had that fade haircut, upar se lambe, side se short, I only saw him
from behind, so you know, I can’t tell you much.”

“I don’t know anyone like that.”

“Come on man think, you’re her best friend. Didi ek aur phulka. I spoke to the police and I
feel they think I did it.”

She looks at me with a confused expression.

Finally, she let that bitchy fat girl attitude down. “We never really spoke properly ever since
we went to different colleges, plus she always spoke to a million guys, so I don’t know.”
“Think harder bro, she was clearly in love with that guy, the way they were around each
other and stuff.”

“And how do you know that, you fucking creep! How long did you follow them for? I don’t
know what’s going on in your mind but I don’t want to be a part of any of this. So, finish
your food and leave. And if you bother me again I’m going to tell the police how you called
her so many times, she had to change her number, finish your fucking methi aaloo and
leave.” And the bitch was back.

“What the fuck? What makes you think you can talk to me like that? I loved her.”

“Shut up!” Her voice really escalated in volume

“Ohh You Shut Up, Bhen ki lodi!” I rolled my methi aaloo in the roti and walked off. Totally
won that argument.

Evening
I didn’t expect much from Akaknsha anyway. Its fine I don’t need her.

I say that to myself while I take the last drag out of my classic mild and throw it in style at
this khan market pavement. Take that pavement. I’m again just looking at rich people,
walking among them, pretending to walk with a purpose of reaching a destination but
mostly I just like being part of this herd.

To be honest I don’t know where to go from here. I went back home after meeting
Akanksha. I stalked Rhea’s facebook and Instagram page again and found a bunch of R.I.P
messages. She was tagged in a lot of those obituaries cum selfies with big captions, mostly
by her girl friends who wanted to tell her how much they loved her now that she was gone.
Modern day shardajali. Because, apparently, facebook is the best way to reach a dead
person. It’s a little farfetched to think that even in the afterlife people are still checking
their facebook account. Thinking ‘Ahhh.. Nikhil, jisne 7​ mein school change kar liya tha aur
th​

fir humne kabhi baat nahi kari hai, bola ‘R.I.P’. Aab mujhe moksh mil sakta hai.’

So the biggest heart pouring on social media post was done by a ‘Madhvi Singh (Maddy)’
She was kinda hot so I messaged her, we got talking, she remembered me from college and
guess who scored a date, this guy. It’s more like a meeting but I’m calling it a date.

I very faintly remember Madhvi from college, she was in architecture or something, and I
would notice her sometimes when we crossed each other in hallways, but she wasn’t this
hot back then. Maybe because she was fresh out of school in the first year. There is this
weird thing, some girls are really bad looking in school because school mein toh yeh kuch
bhi kha jaati hai, college mein sutta peena shuru, fir body image issues, fir dinner ke baad
ulti, fir sab patle, sari hot. Not that I’m complaining.
 Madhvi enters into coffee bean with the perfect combination of depressed meets bubbly,
she’s pretty cute, not as cute as you know who, the girl with a smile on her neck, but she’s
wearing a cute sweater, a beine, yoga pants and stuff. Thordi tond nikli hui hai, mein jhooth
nahi bolounga, pictures mein better lag rahi thi but still pretty cute. She looks at me and
smiles and she has the cutest dimple. Kub karien fir shaadi?

I suddenly wave, then realize how gay that looks, then get up awkwardly. She has covered
the distance by then.

“Hi….” I did the sad version of it, then offered my hand for a hand shake cause I’m matlab ki
a gentleman.

“Madhvi” She introduced herself. I know. I also know your brother’s name and what time
you went to sleep last night, your last whatsapp check in was at 2:08 am.

“You want to get something?” I put some base in my voice with a pinch of sorrow, just
choking a bit on the ‘something.’

She squinted her eyes, puts on a faint smile and shakes her head. Shit, now I’ll have to order
something.

“You look sad” I said and put on a faint smile and became the puppy dog I always knew I
was.

“I’m okay now, actually my boyfriend..blah..blah..” Abbey teri maa ka, puri raat research
kari thi, F.B pe toh kabhi zikar nahi hua iss boyfriend ka. Kahaan marun mein sir apna? FML
FML FML. Oh fuck she was saying something.

“Blah..blah..So I’m better now” she completed discribing her boyfriend.

Bhenchod universe? Jo pasand aati hai scene hojata hai, kissi ka boyfriend, kissi ka murder.
What the fuck man!

“Nice, nice, your boyfriend sounds amazing.”

“Yeah”

I kept looking at her thinking how lucky her boyfriend was, she has these high cheeckbones
and when she smiles they like rise up.

“So….” She said

“So…” I responded, still dazed with the sound of my broken heart.

“Why did you want to meet?” she said. It doesn’t matter now; your boyfriend screwed it up.

“Yeah.. oh yeah.. sorry. I wanted to ask you about Rhea, actually I was the one who called
the police after seeing her like that” I covered my eyes with my hand, looked away, choked
up a bit on ‘that’. I felt a slight sensation of her fingers around the tip of mine. I opened my
eyes to see tears starting to curl up in her eyes.

Nailed It.

I took this opportunity, wrapped my thumb around her fingers. Yup we have a wonderful
moment going on here. I started to rub my thumb while she grabed her breath.

Her tears just started to settle under her eyelids.

“So I’m trying to find this guy, didn’t see him properly, all I could really make out was that
he was really , you know, cool, really funny, he’s like Kanan Gill meets Ranbir meets…I
mean He’s about 6’2, fairish, really charming, at least from behind, about 24-25”

“hmm …. I don’t think I know anyone like that in her life..I’m sorry” It looked like she gave
this a real thought, she even closed her eyes really hard.

“You Sure?”

“I think so”

“Madhvi please think, I’m in a lot of problem, the police think I killed her, I really need to
get him”

She didn’t say anything.

“Did you notice anything weird about her lately?” I asked.

“Not really, she just missed a few college days, which was bizarre, I’m pretty sure she
would have had to repeat the semester and you know how serious Amity is about
attendance”

“Yeah.. A guy killed himself”

“Yeah, what was his name? whatever… Hey listen, I’m sure Rishab can help you” She said
making a thinking face.

“Didn’t they break up in October?” They did, I know. She left him for me. Before October it
was just hard for her to break things with this guy and officially date me. We were
unofficially dating till October and started dating as soon as they broke up. But she didn’t
let me make it official on facebook or insta or let me put stories of us which I really wanted
to but she was scared Rishab would do something harmful if she starts dating someone else
officially that quick. I understood that.

“No” She said with confidence.

“Yes. We were dating from October 1​ to October 15​ ”

st​ th​

“No dude, they celebrated their 3 year anniversary on Dec 2​ , I was there”
nd​
“No.. No.. You don’t know, but she broke up with him for me.” I explained her

“Hahaha not possible dude. We use to hang out together. Why don’t you ask Rishab? He’ll
be able to clarify everything and can probably tell you about this really cool guy you’re
looking for”

“haan number de saale ka” I became my not so formal self.

“Excuse me?”

“I mean can I have his number? I wanted to know if he knows this cool guy”

“Acha….” She suddenly became cold.

“Why don’t you just meet him at the chautha tomorrow? You coming?”

“Yeah Of course… 13 Sujan Singh Park?” I clarified.

“31 Amrita Shergill Marg” She stated in confusion.

“No!” She lived in Sujan Singh Park, I’ve dropped and picked her up from there for so long.
Madhvi ‘maddy’ doesn’t know shit. I know where she lives. She was my Girlfriend!

“Dude she stays in Sujan singh Park” I made my argument.

“No dude Amrita Shergill” She had a slight smile and a little fear on her face.

“What?” Why would she lie? Raat ko mein phir kiske ghar ke chakkar laga raha tha? I was
getting visibly agitated

“Yeah that’s where she lives… Look I think I should go...Just look at the obbituray section in
the newspaper tomorrow”

I was in too much shock to actually say anything. She got up and left. Mein matlab barish
mein uske ghar ke neeche jaake gardi mein love songs sunta tha. Fuck. Actually now that I
think about it, woh kabhi balcony mein bhi nahi aati thi. Fuck. I never really saw her coming
out of the house either, also the name plate on the house said Randhawa, she’s not
Randhawa, she told me that’s the name of the house, like Mannat or Jalsa and not the
surname. Fuck dude, mera katta hai iss bandi ne.

I’m Angry ki mera chutiya katta hai but im also glad, Amrita Shergill ki bandi patayi
tumhare bhai ne.

Night
It feels like by heart is pumping thick warm liquid metal rather than blood. I’m taking
natural cover against the shadow of the wall, behind this big Amrita Shergill Marg house,
the CCTV is pointed the other way. I always wanted to live in a house that needs a CCTV for
security. In my 2 bedroom our security system is that our main door makes a loud
screeching sound when it opens and we’ll hear it if someone tries to enter.

I drove by the house to make sure the number plate had Rhea’s surname, which it did,
‘BRAR,’ then I parked my Scorpio in the lodhi garden ka parking lot. I had to make sure that
nobody would see my car around her place for obvious reasons, also I know that fucking
Babbu is tailing me, but I drove really fast, drove through a few gullies I knew from my vella
days and parked it here really quick. Nobody knows lutyens delhi better than me and you
know maybe lutyen himself.

I walked through lodhi garden at night to reach this place, Lodhi garden has whole side
adjacent to the back lane of Amrita Shergill marg, one exit was just behind this place. I Got
chased by a few dogs, that was fine, as long as there were no ghosts, because that’s what I
thought were chasing me. I was shit scared walking across; shivering; praying to all gods I
don’t believe in, brisk walking then sort of jumping with my fingers straight and palms
facing down, then suddenly sprinting because I thought I heard something. I was like aaj
tera hai last day, bro this is it, tune last dekh tha use marte hue, aab tujh pe chard gayi hai
aatma and for some reason the background score of shhhhh… koi hai started playing in my
head, that show has scared me for life.

Finally I arrived to the backlane of Amrita Shergill Marg and found my lost breath. The
backlane is the only thing between these huge houses and the backside of lodhi garden.
How rich are these guys to have lodhi garden in their backyard. I’ve always felt this
attraction to big houses, I stopped for a second and just looked at them. The sheer size of
these things, the paint, the structure, the big windows, the chandeliers. I usually get a sneak
peak of all this while driving in these rich neighborhoods and always wondered what goes
on in these houses. The houses with the big gates, and the name plates, how different are
their lives from mine.

I walked casually next to them; you know how when you see a poor person on the road you
feel your world is so different from him, he doesn’t know so much that we know, he’s never
seen ‘Friends’, he has no idea how Ross and Rachel ended up together, his wife has never
read the buzzfeed article ‘10 ways to make your man happy,’ he’s never tweeted about his
lunch. Even though we’re operating in the same dimension we’re in completely different
worlds. That’s probably the feeling these super rich people get when they look at us, there
is so much that they probably know that we don’t, like they have no idea Rajiv Chowk ke
baad agla station kaunsa hai yellow line pe but they must know so much else.

I hear the night chowkidaar hitting the ground with his Danda in the distant background.
Shat my pants, Again! because it won’t be the first time I’ll be beaten up by a night guard, I
was slapped by a guard at sujan singh park also, now I know for no reason.

Okay so the plan is this, somehow I have to jump this 10 feet wall without getting noticed
and then go to the other side, then make my way to the bedroom because from all the
detective movies, CID and Savdhan India I’ve seen, you find the first clue in the dead girl’s
bedroom.
I looked in each direction to make sure nobody was looking, there were just a few empty
cars parked with nobody inside and that grasshopper/ cricket sound that’s just fucking
always there. I took a little run up and then leaped, I failed, then took a bigger run up and
went for it again, “Jai Hanuman”, I got my fingers stuck on the edge of the wall. I pulled
myself up which was really hard, my forearms started vibrating, all those pull ups in the
gym and zero practical application.

I pull myself up to barely see beyond the wall just to realize they have pointy broken glass
pieces dug into the surface and my fingers barely missed them. I’m curled up against this
wall just flapping my legs against the wall trying to push myself up against anything I can
get my foot stuck to.

While I was being the dumbest fucking suspect ever I heard in a shush voice behind me
“Oye! Oye! Kya kar raha hai?” I look back to see fucking Akanksha looking at me from inside
a silver Brio which I earlier thought was empty. I hanged stunned, first I didn’t believe my
eyes, and then when I did, I couldn’t believe reality. I lost my grip and tried to grab on to
whatever I could. I ultimately grabbed with full force which was of course a piece of broken
glass.

I fell on the ground making a thudding sound, completely ripping my palm. The pain was so
much I got up immediately. I made some silent shouts and jumped around to waste this
burst of adrenaline. I got upto akanksha’s car, She was wearing a black hoody and a cap as
well. She looked directly in my eyes and said ‘what the fuck?’ with her hand actions and
murmuring through her mouth.

“Tu kya kar rahi hai yahaan pe?” I said with my pain fueled energy

“Tu kya kar raha hai? Underwear churane aaya than na, creep!?”

“Moti mein chanta marounga tereko” I shout with bare minimum volume, holding my right
hand in my left, feeling the pain numbing my arm.

She started passing me tissues for me to put on my wound, blood had started to drip.

We heard the chwokidaar’s danda somewhere close by and could hear it coming towards
us. Akanksha signaled me come inside the car, I ran to the passenger’s seat, it’s not like she
was going to move. Moti saali. She pulled the reclining latch and pushed her seat back and
lied down which really wasn’t doing much to hide her. I didn’t know what else to do so I
reclined as well, the danda sound was getting closer.

We stayed quiet, while the chowkidaar wondered where the thudding sound came from.
Akanksha weirdly shut her eyes really hard like that was going to make the chowkidaar
magically disappear. ‘if I can’t see him, he can’t see me.’

The chowkidaar is now really close to the car, I can hear his danda getting louder and
because of Akanksha’s body warmth all the windows have water droplets condensed.
He’s going to check in the car and then tell the police and I’ll have to go to jail and get raped.
Fuck Fuck. I had to do it, you know what, don’t even pretend not to know, we all watch
enough movies. I slid over from my seat to Akanksha and climbed on top of her, put my face
next to hers and started to move in a way I’m not proud of. I’m really not.

“You fucking creep, what the fuck are you doing, Chee”

“Shut the fuck up, isne shakal dekhi toh problem ho jayegi”

The chowkidaar noticed the condensation, came over to our car, hit the window with his
danda and signaled us to leave.

“Cover your face shamefully, just cover it and drive and don’t look” I whispered in her ears

I covered mine too.

She started the car and we left as fast as we could. I could see the guard smirking in the
rearview mirror thankfully ignoring the number plate of the car and our faces.

We stopped at some chemist to get something better than tissues. She went inside to get
the supplies while I sat down on some bike outside the chemist, tissue paper now stuck to
my wound.

She came outside

“Hajmola laayi?” I specifically told her to get it with the loose change.

“Alpanlebe thi….Rs172 ho gaye” bhai badi harami hai yeh bandi, paise maang rahi hai, aab
kahaan hai feminism. I wanted to say ‘Moti tune gand nahi phardi hoti meri toh yeh nahi
hua hota’ but the pain was too much.

I started putting the ointment.

“Pehle paani se dho, saaf kar, phir laga isko” I looked at her with utter anger, over smart DU
bitch.

Then I followed her instructions

“Tu kya kar rahi thi wahaan?”

She didn’t say anything, just took out a crumpled packet of Godaam Garam, hit it twice on
the back of her hand and took out one cigarette. Bhenchod yeh DU wale chutiye,
pretentious as fuck. Kaun peeta hai godaam garam jub tak tum genuinly gareeb nahi ho, bus
dikhana hai, gandi cigarette pee ke ki hum cool hain, jhole wale DU ke.

I need a cigarette really bad but I can’t show it on my face. She offers it to me and I make a
‘yeah whatever’ expression with my hand and take it, she lights it for me. I pull the first
drag and the smoke hits the back of my throat and fills up my lungs, I breathe out feeling
much better than I did before. This godam garam is actually not that bad, it has a nice clove
taste. Hmmm..

Her facial expressions are hard to read, eyebrows pointing down, sort of like she’s trying to
squeeze a thought out of her third eye, she starts to move around with the cigarette.

“Moti batayegi!” I asked again.

“She came to my house a few days before she died, beech mein she went to the bathroom,
left her bag on the bed. In that there was a half open dairy which said ‘He comes to my
room at night’ and like a heart or something next to that. I didn’t think much of it then but
when you told me about this guy I thought maybe it was him and maybe he might come by
to her room to remove anything that implicated him. When I saw you, I thought maybe you
were somehow the guy she was talking about and you’re here because you’re guilty but
then I saw you stuck to that wall and shaking and flapping your legs I realized you’re not it,
haha.”

She laughed a bit

I smiled, “Moti tune kabhi kiya bhi hai pull up?”

“kood jounga bus ghar ke under! Saale, kutte hain uske paas. Mein awaaz nahi deti toh isse
bhi zyaada buri tarah se lagti, police ko phone jata aur tu jata jail mein, na padai bus ki hai
tere na crime”

I nodded my head with agreement and a little smile as I exhaled my smoke. It’s a really nice
cigarette.

“Tu kya kar raha tha wahaan par Crime Master Gogo?”

“haha.. Investigation!.. Do you know Madhivi, her friend from college? ”

“Yeah I’ve seen Madhvi around, she’s her best friend or something, she tags her in meme’s
and videos and stuff on facebook alot.”

“Yeah, ‘Tag a friend you can finish this pizza with’ on 9​ Jan, 7:23 pm” I said immediately
th​

“Creep.”

“I prefer the term ‘someone who really cares’.. toh jo bhi… She told me that Rhea lives at
Amrita Shergill and I always thought she lived at Sujan Singh Park, that’s where I use to
pick her up from. So I came over to see for myself and I thought I’ll find a clue or something.
Detective movies mein hamesha ghar pe koi clue milta hai”

“wow you’re a bad stalker also, beta acha kiya drop out leh liya”
“Oye! Sabbatical hai…I need time to find myself...but dekh mil gaya humein clue ‘dairy’ Uski
dairy milegi, bande ka naam melega, police ko dienge, vapis normal zindagi… Chauthe ka
kya scene hai tera?”

“Aungi hi!”

“Rishab se bhi baat karunga… Pata nahi woh madhvi keh rahi hai that Rishab and Rhea
were still dating in October, but like I was dating Rhea so samajh nahi aa raha, kuch
confusion hai usse, I guess.” Akanksha started smiling and shrugging her head.

“She wasn’t dating you.”

“Why is everybody saying that? She was. I asked her out and she said yes and she told me
she loved me and then just stopped replying to my texts and taking my calls.”

“She use to do that to a lot of guys” what the fuck? What does that even mean?

“What does that even mean?” I asked.

“I’m not sure myself but you know she use to get a little over friendly with people and guys
are just stupid so they use to think that they were dating”

“Yeah she told me that use to happen, some guys are just creeps.” I recalled the times she
had told me about creepy guys texting her.

Guys you know sometimes misinterpret signals, that’s probably what happened with
Rishab, because Rhea and I, dated, like properly, I use to message her ‘I love you Jaan’ like
every night and she use to send a heart wala emoticon. We had a special bond. But then she
use to remain online for a very long time after that, hmmm...

We finished our cigarettes and stubbed them with our shoes, she dropped me back to my
Scorpio at the lodhi garden parking, I drove back home and saw two episodes of Detective
Omkar Nath and stalked rhea and Madhvi on facebook, instagram, linkdin, twitter,
soundcloud, pintrist and snapchat, then saw some youtube prank videos also like a some
porn.

I couldn’t sleep even though my eyes and head and now hand are hurting miserably; I can
feel my pulse everywhere. Every time I shut my eyes I see her eyes, rolled back, her feet
wiggling, the blood on the knife, my puke and I just wake the fuck up.
 Chapter 4 – Chautha
Bagga
16/1/2019

Morning

31 Amrita Shergill Marg is flooded with rich people cars, some even with blue number
plates from Embassies. Among these I can see my black Scorpio trying to fit in like that
colony friend among school friends at some kids birthday party.

I’m finishing my last gaudaam garam, I bummed two of Akanksha yesterday, waiting for
Rishab to be done. I can see him in a vento parked across the road getting high in his car. A
lot of cars here have rhea’s cousins in them, just getting high, I never understood that. Why
would you want to zone out before any function or activity? Like why would you want to
zone out before some relatives engagement or someone’s death ceremony or the whole day
of college lectures. Ohhhhhh…okay…because its boring….okay….makes sense now.

I don’t know, I never got into it, being a stoner, even though everybody assumes I am, I bet
you did too. Not every person who doesn’t do anything smokes weed, some people don’t
even want to do that.

I smoked it, a few times but I was just bad at it, it takes dedication to be a stoner, you have
to know how to roll which I could never figure out, all my joins look like flaccid penises.
You have to score the stuff from some shady dealer, you have to crush the ‘maal,’ then
source the OCB and roach pad from somewhere else and If that wasn’t enough, then you
have know how to bitch about capitalism, I think that’s a necessity and i’ve literally never
read the newspaper. It’s a serious commitment, stoners don't get the appreciation they
deserve, they work hard man.

Wow this guy is rolling another one. The ceremony can start anytime and I was hoping to
talk to him before that, lakin yeh saale chaarsiyoun ka koi deen imaan nahi hota.

I walked over to his car and knocked on his window. He jerked a bit, hearing the sound and
almost dropped his base with little pieces of hash in it. He put the window down and
lowered the volume of whatever he was listening to.

“Sup?” he said in a hurried way hiding his stuff under his bum.
“Bro yaar do minute baat karni thi” I said.

He spaced out for like 3 seconds and then said “Tu college mein tha na humare…Drop out
leh liya tha?”

“Sabbatical… Haan”

“Haan ….andar aa na” he signaled to the passenger seat of his car. I went towards the other
side of the car, while he picked up the rolling paper, lighter and a roasted cigarette from the
passenger’s seat. The car was a gas chamber of hashish. I opened the door and a cloud of
smoke came out, the pungent flowery smell that sort of made me think ‘Bro Karl
Marx….sahi banda tha’, like immediately. It was hard to breathe in so much smoke and this
guy looked like he had evolved to survive in this environment, like somehow he has gills
now to extract those essential oxygen molecules form the air.

I really didn’t think this through; I don’t know what I’m going to ask him. I clear my throat
and start “You probably may or may not know but I dated Rhea” he cut me off

“Bhenchod everytime I start a conversation with a guy this is how it starts!” He went on to
roast his Marlboro light for the joint.

Why would every guy start a conversation like that?Charsi bhenchod kuch bhi bol raha hai,
aise kaise karunga mein investigation? Bandiyoun ke mamle mein bandey chutiye ho jate
hain, fuck this, i’ll just focus on the cool guy.

He started mixing the hash and the tobacco.

I continued “So before she died she was with this guy, really cool, tall, good looking like
from behind, good physique, really nicely dressed, really charming, like the coolest guy I’ve
ever seen, humse thorda barda hoga”

“Good looking from behind?.. like his ass?” He spoke with great stoner confusion.

“No like.. you could assume that he’s good looking when you looked at him from behind…
bhai matlab like Kanan Gill meets Ranbir kapoor meets Brad Pitt”

“Ohh that’s really cool.. I get that”

I knew it. This is a good description. Fuck you Akanksha. He zoned out again.. then
remembered to lick the rolling paper.

“So do you know anyone like that?”

He boomed his joint, then took a deep drag and exhaled. “Nahi bro, genuine, nahi janta” He
stopped, kinda just looked aimlessly out of his car, then just poured everything,

“The thing with her was that she was fucked up. I loved her alot, that happens, you fall in
love with her, she has that about her. And I thought she loved me too, I got that vibe from
her you know that this person loves me, she was my first love, we use to talk about getting
married, having kids and getting like a Labradour and stuff. And I love dogs man, I love
dogs. They’re so great.” He took two jointless breaths and blinked his eyes.

“I’m sorry you’ve caught me at a very emotionally fucked up moment.” He passed me the
joint

“I know man she was so amazing” I complied and took the joint.

“haha amazing scene bro, ekdum sorted.….until I checked her phone back in first year and
bro she wanted to get married to a lot of guys. When I confronted her, she went back home
and cut herself or some shit or at least that’s what she told me then, both her hands had so
many blade marks another one couldn’t have even been spotted. She lies a lot, sort of
compulsive, like she told me she lived in defence colony somewhere in C block, naale ke
pass, for 2 years of the relationship I use to pick her up from there and later I found out that
was akanksha’s house, her best friend from school. I use to get her balance put and shit
man and look at this house, she could own me as her maid. I confronted her and then she
lied again and I caught her again and then she lied again and after a point I said, fuck it,
because I realized this person doesn’t feel a thing, no pain, no guilt, just nothing, she says
and does anything, like there was this wall that I couldn’t go through, I could never meet or
understand what she actually felt or what she was actually thinking, not even sure if the
real ‘her’ even existed. Sometimes I looked in her eyes and felt like there was nothing
behind them, she seemed soulless. Felt all her emotions we’re based on some made up
impulse, the fakest cries and laughs. So after the 3-4 months of fighting I just stopped
asking questions. I still loved her but I didn’t have the energy to deal with the lies. She was
still my girlfriend in public because I loved how she behaved in public with me, she use to
become that person, the one I loved.”

Okay so I didn’t want to stop his flow but I’ve been smoking this joint for some time now
and like three fourth of it is over and I’m starting to feel the hit. I pass him the joint, he
raises his hand, closes his eyes and shakes his head signaling that he was done.

“I’ve met so many guys like you, who’ve come up and told me that they loved her and that
she was dating them all this while, and I use to act shocked but in my heart I really didn’t
give a shit and I just felt sorry for them. And she was no slut man, like she didn’t do
anything, physically, we made out like 2-3 times but that’s it. Like on my birthdays, to shut
me up.. For real she was never into it, just like a game for her, ‘let’s just mentally fuck with
as many guys as possible.’ Apparently she wanted to do ‘it,’ when she was sure and when
our relationship was ready for it. Ghanta bhenchod, liar. She never broke up with me
because I guess she wanted that nice girl image in college. Maybe she had me around
because I just did whatever she told me and never asked any questions, and was never a
problem, just looked nice in Insta photos. Woh kaat rahi thi, mein katwa raha tha, sahi chal
raha tha”

“Haan bro bohot kat raha tha tera. Acha sun, how do you know we’re not in the matrix?”
Dude I’m so high right now.
“Because the machines would rather use animal body heat than human body heat to power
themselves, creating the matrix and then putting humans in it would be bad economically
and would also risk a human uprising, tere bhai ka pehla smoking session nahi hai yeh”

“Yeah but what if the machines were using our body to have a human experience” bhencho
nervousness ho rahi hai gandi. Like mein do houn, ek exterior bagga whos talking to Rishab
or ek interior bagga who’s talking to you, like hum dono bohot different hain. Haan tord di
tumhare bhai ne 4th wall, high hoke banda kuch bhi kar deta hai.

“Bhai bus kar, koi answer nahi hai, ‘Is there a god ka answer hai’ – Maybe. Matrix wale
question ka nahi hai. Boards mein aata toh 10 aur bache suicide kar lete”

“Hahahahhahahahhaa” Fuck, kya baat boli hai, chutiye bache. “hahahahahahha” I can’t stop
my smile, its stuck.

Maybe the meaning of life is to find the meaning of life, Aisa lag raha hai mere chest wale
area se energy nikal rahi hai. Hum gardi ke bahar kub nikale? Fuck hum pohounch bhi gaye
shrad pe, I mean chauthe pe.

I walk inside and everything is sort of falling to the right. This is a big ass house with
furniture so expensive it’s made of materials I don’t even understand and colors I have
never seen. They are so beautiful I want to touch it, sit in it, feel it against my skin. There
are a lot of people and everyone seemed busy talking so I went and sat on the sofa for a bit.
Ohh yeah that’s the stuff, this is so soft, the material so good. i just want to feel it against my
cheeks. I’m thirsty. I should go for a walk.

Have you ever been to a place where literally nobody gives a fuck about you so you can do
whatever you want, that’s how I feel right now or like ever since I was born.

The sealing is so far up and the chandelier is so big it seems like the one in om shanti om,
the one that killed shanti priya. Bro kya movie thi, lakin mujhe bhulbhuliya better lagi thi.
Aami je tumhar, tumhi je hamar, next level shit. I feel so good right now walking around
this luxurious house. What paint these guys have used, the decoration, the art pieces are
so….. like artistic.

There are a lot of people here mostly the same crowd from the funeral but a lot more Amity
kids that don’t recognize me, I’m sure. The only popular thing about me is that I took a
sabbatical. Everything seems slow right now. The smell of this place is so….. There are like
2-3 living rooms and like 2000 rooms also a fountain in the middle of the house. Waah what
a rich!

The main living room has a hazy photo of Rhea in the middle and everyone has gathered in
there. It’s a big really big photo of her younger self and some pandit around it with a mic.
She looked so cute when she was little, her teeth were all twisted. You know what I keep
remembering, the time I saw her lying in the alley way, blood gushing out of her neck, her
arms and legs twisted in cationic positions, the knife next to her, fuck.. fuck.. I feel like
puking. Bathroom kahaan hain bhencho.
I can see a door that looks smaller than all the other doors, I guess yeh hi hoga. I opened the
door and kinda saw two people sitting on one pot. Fuucckkkk. I saw two people making out,
sitting on the pot, ahhahha, hawwww. Shit crowd hai yaar amity ka, no fucking standards.
Ohh fuck the kitchen has snacks, bohot bhook lag rahi hai.

I start to move the party in my head to the kitchen. There are two three servants making
something and an unattended plate of these weird looking chicken things. Hahaha Kahaan
joege aab tum mujhse bach ke. I have my first bite and realize how good food is. Food is life.
Fuck this is so good.

“Kahaan hai tu? Kub se dhoondh rahi houn tujhe” Aagayi moti BT dene. Chain nahi hai isse
bhi. Mujhe shakal hi nahi dekhni iski, do tetnus ke shot lage hain mujhe iski vajah se subh
subh.

“Hmmmmm….” I continue enjoying my chicken.

“Khana nahi dekha tune kabhi?” She held my stuffed face and made me look into her eyes.

“Fuck are you high?” She looked into my eyes with her gaze shifting from one eyeball to the
other. “Rhea ka murder hogaya hai, tere peeche police hai. Chutiye tofu kha raha hai tu
idhar, kuch sharam kar kissi ki beti.. its her death ceremony you fucking…. mujhe pata tha
tere bus ki nahi hai kuch bhi” Iski shakal ek dum monjulika jaise hogayi thi, she was talking
through her teeth right now.

“Yaar dekh chips vagera kuch honge” I started opening the kitchen cabinets.

“Fuck this shit” She expressed her intentions and started to leave..

I held her chubby forearm. “Acha sun sorry sorry, I was talking to Rishab trying to get more
information, usne offer kar diya”

She pressed the wound on my hand really hard.

“Aaaaaaa! Pagal hai?” I shouted.

“Chal aab mere saath, fucking buffoon” She took my hand and started dragging me with her.
Tere baap buffoon moti. Bhai mere dimag mein sirf ek aisi awaaz hai jaise thordi deer pehle
mandir ki ghanti bajayi hai kissi ne. Snnnn….

She starts dragging me up some stairs

“Dairy, naam, kuch yaad bhi hai tujhe?” she said.

As we came up the stairs, there is this huge transparent glass window overlooking lodhi
garden. The sun is shining, this is so beautiful. I can’t believe people live like this.

I’m just going where akanksha is taking me, I can see her holding my hand, it looks like one
of those instagram couple photos with the girl at some holiday destination and the guy
holding her hand and clicking the photo. Everything else seems like 10​ grade
th​
trigonometry. Like kuch ghanta samajh nahi aa raha. Its all slow, like a movie that I’m
watching, I can just feel the motion of her pulling me in this hallway and everything else
around us is so blurry it’s like she’s leading me to oblivion. High hoke kya bardiya
vocabulary ho gayi hai meri. Oblivion, wah.

We reach Rhea’s room, the door of which is already open. Her room was huge, it had a
dominant pink tone to it and is carpeted, probably the only one I’ve seen. It seems like
some interior designer designed it for a 8 year old girl. Everything seemed perfectly girly.
The carpet, the paint, tables, the chairs, the stuff toys, the biggest flat screen I had ever
seen, the bed that looked like candy floss, you’ll just melt in it, wish I had a bed like this, my
bed feels like a hospital stretcher, a make-up table as big as my dinning table, this is
incredible.

Akanksha shuts the door. “We have exactly 10 minutes, find the dairy”

We went straight for the table, looked on the surface then started opening the drawers,
there were some text books, some pens and the college schedule stuck next on the table.
Now the hash is wearing off but things are still slow. There are a few random papers in the
drawers, some post tids and some chargers. The table had a photo of her when she was
really young with her sister or someone, I’m guessing. I’ve never seen her on facebook.

“Who’s this?” I asked akanksha

“I think that’s Sia, her cousin sister, Jeetu Uncle’s daughter, the taaya, she died when we
were in second grade, holy shit, this family has gone through a lot”

Everything seemed to perfect, exactly in order, well I remember Rhea being extremely
perfect, with her perfect white teeth, perfectly done make up and nails. Very precise about
her coffee and what she was going to eat. Once I spilled a few drops of coffee on the table
when we were on a date, she made me clean it, really well. Tumhare bhai se table saaf
karaya usne.

The room didn’t have much to call hers, I mean if you remove the expensive furniture, it
didn’t have anything that you could call Rhea’s, it has no personality or maybe the fact that
it’s so neat and precise makes it unreal for me.

“Look in the book rack, I’ll check the make up table” Akanksha said in a hurry.

The book rack was oozing with books, with mostly black and red covers. Really not going
with the basic pink theme of the room. And all from female writers for some reason, I
noticed that and surprisingly no twilight, no 50 shades no harry potter. When you’re high
you tend to notice weird shit and also those are the only 3 books I know.

“Kuch mila?” Akanksha asked. “haan yeh screwdriver mila hai, shelf pe parda tha” I said.
“Bagga, can you focus for once in your life! Chal jaa bathroom mein dekh, mein almari
dekhti houn” Akanksha said. Almari nahi thi woh, mere living room jitna closet tha. Jimein
matlab 2-3 kashmiri families reh sakti hain.

I went to see the bathroom. “Fuck, sorry, sorry!” Somebody was using the bathroom, fuck
people should really learn to lock. “Bro bathroom busy hai” I told akanksha, she looked at
me with utter shock and I took some seconds to reach the same brainwave. “Fuck fuck.
Kaun hai! Bhaagein kya?” I was getting paranoid. “Ruk ruk sochne de” Akanksha said.

“Fuck! Fuck! Gand marienge meri jail mein” I can see it infront of my eyes, me bending
down to get soap, then feeling something weird.

“Bagga relax!” Akanksha said. My heart rate is so fast, its one single beat. DONG!

We hear the flush go off and the door open. It reveals a 5 foot 2 inch guy in specs, with a
body structure that every anorexic model envied, an unkept dardi and a failed attempt of a
Mohawk, sort of those guys jo guide books ke backside pe hote hain, last year ke Vidya
Mandir ke topper.

He looked us and nodded “All yours” and confidently walked out. When he almost reached
the end of the room, about to go out, Akanksha said “Hold on, who are you? What are you
doing in Rhea’s room?”

He turned back sweating , playing with his fists , “I’m hmmm Rahul.”

“What were you doing in a dead girls bathroom on her chutha, Rahul? ”

“Sorry.. I just that..” He starts speaking in his mouth. “Bathroom dhoond raha tha”

“Acha bathroom dhoond raha tha? Bagga darwaza band kariyo” dekho mujhe like shayad
60% samajh mein aa raha hai, lakin yeh banda pakka jhoot bol raha hai.

“haan” Rahul said and started looking down like he’s getting scolded for not doing his
homework.

Okay now I’ve only seen this in CID…. But apparently the best way to get a confession from
someone is by slapping them. So I went ahead and slapped him. Phat!

“Mera naam Mayank hai, please kissi ko mat batana, mein aur Rhea date kar rahe the, mein
usse bohot pyaar karta houn”

Bhenchod! Kitne lardke pyaar kartien hain isse? Bhai yeh kya ho raha hai? Meri Rhea?
Lakin usne kaha tha mujhe ‘I love you, I’ve never loved anyone like that.’ What the fuck
man?

“Kamre mein kya kar raha tha!?” Akaksha looked right in his eyes. He didn’t say anything.
Mein ne ek aur chipka diya, long live ACP Praduman!
“Mei…mien..mein dawaai dhoond raha tha. Adrall, tablet hoti hai, sirf priscription pe milti
hai, Rhea kahin se laa ke deti thi mujhe, mere exams aa rahe hain aur mein uske bina pard
nahi paaunga, usne mujhe bola tha woh bathroom mein rakhti hai….thi. Please kissi ko
batana mat didi. Sorry didi” Mayank started crying.

“Mili bathroom mein?” Akanksha asked

“Nahi, mein jaun?” Mayank said. Akanksha looked at me, I grabbed mayank by the guddi, he
spasmed immediately, and we dragged him to the bathroom.

Okay so I think we’ve established that she’s super rich so I’m not going into details as to
how this bathroom looks like the presidential suite at taj. It has a sofa. A fucking sofa. We
start looking everywhere Akanksha took the sink, I took the shower and started shaking
shampoo bottles and Mayank took the pot. I opened, shook and sniffed whatever I could.
Not sure what we’re looking for now exactly.

I asked mayank, “kuch mila?” while jerking off shampoo bottles.

“Meine dekh liya yaar yeh sab kuch” Mayank said, and he was slightly rude to me. To me!

Bhenchod iss se toh mein pot ke under haath dalwaounga. Suddenly I hear a loud flush
noise because Mayank has decided to flush. “Bhencho susu kar raha hai tu?” I reacted.
Akanksha shuts the door rushes towards mayank with that hyper bitch face telling him to
shush. I went to mayank in case we need another slap. He flinched again his eyes when he
saw me coming.

“Sorry Sorry, woh flush khul nahi raha mujhse” Mayank said.

“Hat.” I said, I think we need a man to handle this situation.

“Akanksha dekhiyo!” Mujhe yeh futuristic pots samajh nahi aate. Button hai ismien, lever
nahi aur 10​ ke baad meine science kiya nahi hai, toh mere nahi hai yeh bus ki.
th​

“I don’t think this opens” Akanksha said

“Arrey khulta toh hoga.” I said. The pot and the flush were like one piece, like a beautiful
vase. Akanksha and Mayank both laid down on either side of the pot and started looking at
possible ways to open this intergalactic pot and there was nowhere else to sit so I sat on
the pot. The pot was one of the most comfortable seats I’d ever sat on. I started moving my
fingers on the jet which was so white and smooth it looked like the teeth in a Colgate ad. It
had a little panel on the side from which you could heat the seat, spray the kind of water
you wanted on your bum, sprinkling water, steam, other luxuries my poor ass wouldn’t
afford.

The panel was attached in the wall by this really big shiny screw. I tried unscrewing it with
my nail, didn’t work, Akanksha got up and looked at me playing with this screw.

She spoke with utter irritation “Bagga?”

“Yeah what?” She kills my vibe man. Ek toh she has this big bindi on like a vamp from some
daily soap. Then this weird Indian - western fusion thing she has going on with her outfit
just puts me off. Indian pehno ya western pehno, what is this t-shirt pe chunni?

“There is a screwdriver in your pocket” she says like she’d lost all hope. Oh shit yes! The
one I found on the rack. I unscrew the panel and pull it out. Amongst the green and red
wires we see a transparent packet, I pull it out, shut the dhakkan of the pot and empty its
contents.

Okay so it looks like what we have here are 3 tola’s of hash, a folded paper which I’m
guessing is the base. I mean these are the things I recognize. Then like blotting paper with
weird designs made on it, big blue pills.. fuck that is Viagra, ive seen it advertized on
pornsites, some pills with smiley faces and hearts made on it, a white powder, cocaine hai
yeh, 2-3 packets with kind of like brown powder, an injection, ohh fuck! and some other
random pills in orange bottles.

“What is all of this?” I asked Akanksha.

“LSD, Molly, Coke, Vaigra, fucking Heroine, what shit we’re you into Rhea” She said while
covering her face with her hands. I could see her hands shivering and I could also see
mayank’s hand moving slowly towards one of the pill bottle and putting it in his pocket.
Well I could only see that because my hands were grabbing the 3 tola’s of hash and putting
them in my pocket.

But something else was bothering me, where is the rolling paper and the roach pad? If I’m
getting stuff for free I should take the whole stash. I opened the folded base paper hoping to
get a sheet or two inside. It wasn’t the base, it was the prescription for adderall signed by
the amity student counselor.

“We need to leave before someone notices, let’s talk about all this after the chutha, till that
time everybody keeps their mouth shut” Akanksha said coming out of her vegetative state
and we complied.

Evening
“Bhaiya thordi cheese aur dalo yaar, mazzak chal raha hai?” I told the chef.

You know the best part about rich people dying? They have the best catering on the
chautha. I’m standing next to the most bhencho amazing pasta counter ever. I’ve already
had pasta in red sauce and white sauce and now it’s time to go crazy and have it in rose
sauce. That's red and white mixed like if you didn’t get that. They’ve organized a nice meal
for everyone in their lawn with like little lights, a live band playing bhajans and with the
sun setting down, it's actually quite beautiful. Bus Shashi Thaoor nahi dikhai de raha, selfie
leh leta, insta pe 1K followers burd jaate.
“Hey Bagga… So I know what I did was super wrong and I’m like the worst person on earth
but things have been really fucked up lately” Madhvi said in hush voice really close to my
ear.

Pata nahi yeh kya bakwass kar rahi hai. My hash trip is over now and I haven’t slept for 3
days so I have very little energy to deal with this not so single person. I just nodded and
went back to eating my rose pasta.

“Please don't tell anyone that you saw Rishab and me hooking up, please don’t. I know how
it looks, it looks horrible, especially on Rhea’s chautha but you know how Rhea was and
Rishab was never happy with her and I don't know when Rishab and I fell in love. He
wanted to leave her but was scared that she’ll cut herself again and we we’re planning to
make it official but now after her death and all I don’t think we can. But you can really not
tell anyone…. I won't be able to show my face in college. Please. Please! You want help in
finding that really cool guy right? We’ll help you with it. Ask us whatever. I have to go now,
stay in touch.” Madhvi said and left.

Behen kya phook ke bethi ho? when did I see Rishab and her… Oh Oh Oh fuck. When I
entered the bathroom in the morning and saw two people on one pot. Holy shit, yeh dono
the. Fuck. That means Rishab and Madhvi were hooking up behind Rhea’s back. Her best
friend and her boyfriend, wow, and they were hooking up on her Chautha, at her house,
that’s fucked up. Bhenchod kitne ghatiya log hain yeh saare.

Night
Mayank, Akanksha and I left the Chautha and came to khan and sat at coffee bean.

“Did anyone know she was using” Akanksha said.

“I didn’t even know she was a smoker, she hated smokers, she made me quit!” I said. She
told me that if I loved her I’d leave smoking, which I did, even my potty smoke I quit.

“No she was a chain smoker, since school, she taught me how to smoke” Akanksha said.

“Mujhe bhi bola non-smoker” Mayank said.

“Bhai kya fuckall bandi hai yeh?” I said.

Akanksha again pressed my wound.

“Ouch! Potty kharab kardi yaar usne meri”

“Hi, what would you like to order?” These fucking waiters always interject

Mayank and I look at Akanksha, she’s the only one who can afford to order.
“No I’m good guys” Akanksha said. Fuck man, now I’ll have to order kyunki yeh mayank toh
aisa dikhta hai jaise iske pass metro ke bhi paise nahi hai. Pakka bolega ‘bhai drop kar de’
Bloody IIT delhi, iske package se hum jaise lardkoun ko cut lena chahiye. Agar hum bully
nahi karte toh tum bhi kabhi pardte nahi.

I looked at the waiter directly in the eye and said “Actually we’re waiting for our friends to
join us” he knew I was lying but our middle class hearts connected and he left.

Akanksha looked at me with disgust. Fuck her, she’s fat.

“Haan toh yahan potty nahi kar paa raha tha mein aur wahaan yeh lardki Meth peeti thi,” I
expressed my feelings to the group.

“Mayank did you know?” Akanksha said calmly. Mayank just nodded his head side to side.

“What’s your story?” Akanksha continued.

“Rhea and I started talking in june last year. She was my facebook friend and one day she
put up a post saying she wanted some help with her psychology homework and I helped
her, then we started talking”

“See the problem with that story is, that you go to IIT and don't study psychology” I said.

“Haan woh textbook ka pdf download kar liya tha meine, aur woh online courses karie the
and use to study before teaching her, after a while I started doing her homeworks”

“Ibo! Woh katta” iska homework ke liye kaat rahi thi.

“We fell in love, I asked her out and we started dating but we didn’t talk much because she
knew that I had to study a lot and she didn’t want to disturb me.”

“Aaji Ghanta” I said. Mayank gave me a look, he looked directly in my eyes, the expressions
on my face fell flat, I could see the pain of a man with a broken heart, a dead girlfriend and a
drug problem.

“One day I told her that I can't help her with her homework because I had my final the next
day, she asked me to meet her and said she had a gift for me, when i met her, she gave me
some pills. I took it, went back home and studied the whole night with full focus, even while
giving the test I felt like I’m aware of everything around me. Dimaag khol diya mera inn
pills ne, it just makes you focus on one thing really hard. I got a 98 on that test and since
then i’ve been taking those pills from her, really helps me study”

“She was your dealer?” Akanksha said.

“No, not exactly, she was my girlfriend and use to give me those pills for free, she wanted
me to do well in exams, so that I could get a good package and then we could get married”
Mayank said.
Smooth Rhea, real smooth, hitting the sweet spot of an engineer buy mentioning the
package.

“Bhai aab tereko kub se kub tak date kar rahi thi?”

“Last year July se, Abhi tak”

“Lakin tum zyada baat nahi karte the?”

“Nahi”

“Milte the?”

“Haan like week mein ek baar”

“Jub tujhe addrall chaiye hoti thi aur use homework” I concluded

“Haan basically”

“Wah beta!”

Mayank was still for a moment then said “Mujhe pata hai mera kat raha tha, but I loved her,
like I know she use to talk to other guys, maybe even date them. I actually have seen her
activities over the….”

“You’ve been stalking her?” Akanksha cut him and said. Moti ko pata nahi kya problem hai?
Yeh lardki sab ka kaate jaa rahi hai aur hum stalker bhi nahi ho sakte.

“Haan.” Mayank said. Bhai hai yeh mera.

“Okay so we’re looking for a really cool guy, you’ve probably seen him, he’s like Kannan gill
meets ranbir kapoor meets brad pitt.” I had to go back to business.

“Wow kaafi cool hai yaar yeh banda” Mayank said. Chote tu mera sidekick banega.

“I’ve actully just forwarded you my notes on all the guys that i’m aware of and the extent of
their relationship and links to their social media, woh addrall ka thorda spill over hojata
hai” Mayank said while pressing some numbers on his phone.

“I haven't even told you my name” I said.

“Bagga bro I know everything about you, you’re on the list” Sher ko Sava sher.

“Also Madhvi and Rishab are hooking up, I saw them in the bathroom today” I know she
told me not to tell anyone but I figured fuck it, it’s no like she’s going to date me anyway.

“That slut” Akanksha said, sala har koi aurat ko blame karta hai.

“That asshole” I said. #feminism

“So even Rishab is going to give me a list, he said he knows a lot of guys you apparently
dated Rhea”

Akanksha again put her head down, “What shit were you into rhea”

“Bhai yeh bandi galat chaunchaloun mein fassi hui thi” I said in my extreme Lajpat nagar
accent.

“Sir aab apko order karna pardega” The waiter said and I saw the manager staring at us
from the back. We got the signal and left.

“Bhai tu drop kar dega laxmi nagar side” Mayant said softly. Meine bola tha yeh bolega

“Chal be. Metro kar metro”

 Chapter 5 – Paanchva
Bagga
17/1/2019

Morning

“Hi I’m Surbhi Anand” Arjan was confused. He looked at me like I was a Rajesh Roshan
song. A ‘What the fuck is this shit!?’ expression on his face.

I know what you’re thinking, Bhencho kaun Arjan? Kaun Surbhi?

Relax.

Let’s get you up to speed first. Rhea’s dead, the coolest guy in Khan Market killed her and
can’t be found, we found Rhea’s secret stash of drugs in this panel thing next to her pot, we
know Madhvi and Rishab were hooking up behind her back and that Rhea’s is a big fat
fucking liar and dated half of Delhi apparently..

So check out what I did here and try to keep up, I called up Rishab last night and he gave me
a list of 32 guys that he remembered Rhea probably had some scene with in the last 2 year.
Yes, 32. Plus turns out ever since Rhea broke up with Mayank because ‘He needed to
concentrate more on his studies’ Haha bullshit girls say, Mayank gave me his version as
well and his details were incredible, keeping a track of who she spoke to online based on
trends of comments and likes, and whos phos she liked, he made cool charts and stuff, It
was like google analitics s for social media profiles. And I, for the first time in my life, made
a list. A list of all these 32 guys.

Now it gets interesting, I made a fake profile of a girl with a common urban girl name like
Surbhi Anand, on instagram, its faster than facebook, I put up a hot display picture and
uploaded some , like a plate of food and some bullshit motivational quote, generic girl stuff
and liked and commented on them from my other fake profiles. I put up my status as two
monkey emojis covering their eyes and submerged myself in the vast generic bullshit
which is instagram. Then I went on the profile of each name on my list. First I added the
people they were following, then some random celebs, Insta worked its magic and I got
follow backs almost immediately from the people, the guys on my list were following,

Walah! I’m a legit profile now.

Now after the marinating was done, it was time to cook the meat. I added the names on my
list and liked whatever picture these guys had up recently, now guys being the depraved
specie they are just slyly slid into my message box with a “Hey!” Trying to sound
casual. This is when the real fun began.

I started talking to them and two three exchanges is when they wanted to get to know me
better, I said “I’m lykk really tipsy raight now, let’s jus tell each othr secrets” I start telling
them a bullshit story about this boy I dated who turned out to be dating someone else. Its
important to tell a story that slightly is similar to theirs so that they try to one up on the
conversation by telling their story. When they say “That’s nothing, listen to this...” that’s
when you have them by the balls. Wow being a woman is fun.

These guys just pour their hearts out and then I just kept asking them questions about their
story and in seconds they told me everything, like literally everything. The people who
didn’t tell me everything, I said, *clears throat*, “I’ve never done this before, been so free
with someone, I feel a strong connection with you, I know this might sound impulsive but
do you want to meet tomorrow? God! This is fucked up, I’ve never done this before.” This
script ladies and gentleman has gotten me 4 dates just for breakfast and I have a full day of
fake dates infront of me so if you don’t mind I’m about to break someone’s heart. God I love
being a girl! Okay I didn’t say that out loud. Forget I said it.

Okay so back to the story, Arjan ki gand phatt gayi mujhe dekh ke.

“Sorry bro, I had to do this, I was dating Rhea from October 1​ to October 14​ ” I remember
st​ th​

Arjan from the funeral.

“2018?” Arjan said looking shocked

“yes”

“No bro, she was dating me from August to December ” Arjan said, the horror still on his
face. Pehele Rhea, fir yeh Surbhi Anand, Your life sucks bro!

“Yeah…she use to do that…” I said. I’d like to think we shared like this mutual respect for
each other now that we know that we were dating the same girl at the same time. I feel like
this might be a beginning of a friendship.

Arjan after realizing what just happened started to leave

“Bro Bro please.. I’m trying to investigate her murder.. Please help me” I tried stopping him
but he didn’t, he went down the stairs of coffee bean when I said “If you loved her please
stop and help her”

He fucking stopped, Can you believe that? He came back that flight of stairs and said “Yeah
okay, it’s for her, what do you want to know”

“Just tell me about your relationship with her”

The thing is everybody wants a catharsis, people like talking about themselves, the stories
they had, the misfortunes of their lives. A way to justify who they are now. I will too, once
I’m done with this mess, I’ll probably go ahead and write a Novel… or like a movie
screenplay, who reads novels anymore anyway.

Arjan started pouring and told me how he met Rhea at some wedding reception and they
were the only two people who were smoking up at that scene and she had the best hash…
and blah blah blah. They really clicked and they loved each other like mad! And wanted to
get married but she told him that they couldn’t because her parents have already fixed her
marriage with someone else. They had an intense couple of weeks before the apparent
wedding where Arjan would weep and ask her to run away with him. On the day of the
apparent wedding he went to the apparent venue just to realize his runaway bride was a
lying, evil, manipulative sadistic, just..a fucking....chudail kinda person

#Dontbelivegirls

“I’m sorry bro…” I said, he seemed like he was really hurt. I gave him like 5 minutes to play
the whole experience in his head and then come out of it a stronger man.

“Okay so I’m looking for this guy, he’s the one that killed Rhea, they were I’m guessing on a
date and she was really into him, he’s like really cool, actully very very cool.”

“…….” He remained quite blank.

“Bro like, Kanan Gill meets Ranbir Kapoor meets Brad pitt”

“Woah”

“Yeah”

“Bro Itna cool toh mein sirf DJ Dilip ko janta houn. Have you gone for Titillating Saturday
nights with DJ Dilip?”

“No” Bhenchod pata nahi kaun chutiya hai yeh DJ Dilip, hadd hogay! Arjan ko sadma
pohouncha hai, I think, he can’t think straight.

Iska bhi bohot zyada katta hai Rhea ne. He found out she was dating Rishab because one
day he tried to surprise her in Amity and saw her holding Rishab’s hand or some bullshit.
He started crying a bit, mujhe bhi daya aa gai, I bought him a coffee, from like my own
money, its fine, I understand the pain.

I met Viraj Kapoor next, from Bhenchod, New York University! Uski toh gand phatt ke hath
mein aa gayi. Chutiya formally dress hoke aaya tha, date ke liye, sweater pehen ke. Hahah
this is a lot of fun. Rhea and Viraj had a very cute story, they were in the same school and
she started dating him officially. One day they were smoking sheesha together when she
found out that Viraj had also texted some other girl. She took the coal from the sheesha and
put it inside his T-shirt.

Fuck!, dekh rahe ho? Level! He showed me the scars.

Bhenchod kya off bandi hai. Drugs peeti hai, psychopath hai, bhencho kisko date kar raha
tha mein?

But obviously Viraj found out that she was talking to most guys in school, including his best
friend, when he tried to break up with Rhea she called up his mom and threatened to
commit suicide. His parents made sure he ran away to NYU. But his love for Rhea made him
quit college and come back to India to spend more time with her. Tum level of fucked up –
ness dekh rahe ho? Bhai aab yeh Bhagat Singh se evening college kar raha hai.
#IshqTeraTadpave #HoeHoeHoeHoe

I bought him a coffee as well. Bhenchod 600 ruppe kharch hogaye hain, agli baar
Macdonalds mein mil raha houn mein logoun se.

Same stuff happened with Anuj and Harsh. If you love Rhea! Stop! Both did.. Anuj ko bola
she’s leaving for Australia and stopped talking to him, she never did leave. Harsh ke papa
ka restaurant tha, wahaan cousin- cousin bol ke pata nahi kitne lardko ke saath date mar
aayi. I bought a McAlooTiki before hand only this time, 30 Rupees mein console kar diya.

Bro I used to love this chick like Sacha Pyaar, aab, mujhe naam sunke hi ulti aati hai.
Bhencho Slut.

Afternoon

I’m at the cigarette shop now, he makes tea for 5 bucks and gives chai-sutta combo for 10
bucks, I don't have money to console these losers with luxury now. Sidharth is one of my
Afternoon dates, he came in looking much thinner that his instagram pictures. He quite
intense, his eyes were red, his hands fidgety. When he saw I was Surbhi, I think his eyes got
wet. Shit, Rhea must have done something really bad with this guy. He didn’t even stop
when I said “if you loved Rhea help me find her Killer.” A cold hearted Son of a Bitch

From my initial research I found Sidharth was in the Amity Law School and met Rhea
during the Amity fest in 2nd year. And they had like visible affair, they use to hangout in
the food court and shit, obviously she told Rishab they were just very good friends. Sources
said he got into drugs and left college around the 3​ year.
rd​

In all I met about 10 guys in the afternoon. I’m experienced now so I get over with them
quick. The pattern is the same, first they experience shock when I tell them I’m Surbhi,
then I say “If you ever loved Rhea, stop!,” they stop, followed by some fucked up story about
her that makes me hate every women on the planet, I ask them about the Coolest Guy in
Khan Market, none of them have any idea about him, then they accept my ‘My condolences
to you and your family’ beverage, then they leave.

Also the detective in me is sensing an undertone of drugs here. In most stories she either
has the best stash or gets someone to try some new drug. It’s like she’s playing games with
these guys just for the fuck of it. Just because she knows she can. Driving them to their
personal extreme’s, destroying them for no absolute reason or pattern.

I guess that’s what she did with that cool guy, fucked him over and he couldn’t take it. So he
sliced her throat and threw her in the alley. I think, and also i know this because the second
point on the article ‘ how to slove a murder’ on wikihow is ‘Find a Pattern’ and if I can find a
pattern for the victims, I could find why she chose the coolest guy in the first place and
ultimately find him.

Evening
“Tumhara bhai genius hai, Drug dealer hai apni Rhea” I declared as soon as I met Mayank
and Akanksha at coffee bean again.

They looked at me, then looked at each other, then looked at me again; like my teachers did
when I gave answers in class. Thoroughly confused.

“Usko paise ki kya zaroorat hai?” Mayank said.

“Woh thordi different drug dealer, who free mein deti hai”

“What does that mean?” Akanksha said

“That means she just liked fucking with people. I’ve met close to 15 guys she was
apparently dating and she just liked played with their emotions. She told this one dude she
had cancer some other that he should be a beautician, he works in a parlour now. She is a
very smart person and she just gets these guys emotionally hooked on her. Sometimes she
used them for shopping or like transport or something but mostly just played with them
like toys.”

“Hey stop painting her like a Monster, she was nothing like that” Aksksha said

“Wait I’ll give you live demo. ” I picked up my phone and called up this one guy I scheduled
to meet right now.
I changed my voice into a girls voice and spoke, “Heyy, where are you? I can’t wait to see
you” Mayank and Akanksha sat there with horror on their face.

“Now just watch what I’m trying to say”

A guy named Abhimanyu, came up the stairs.

“Hi Abhimanyu I’m Surbhi, this is Akanksha and that is Mayank”

“What the fuck?” he began to leave

“I know dude, I’m sorry it had to happen this way, but please just let us ask us a few
questions regarding Rhea Brar. I was the one who saw her murder and also called the
police, that’s Akanksha, her best friend and Mayank her ex. If you just tell us a few things
about her we’ll get closer to finding her killer. If you ever loved Rhea please help us”

I’ve mastered this script by now. He paused for a second and then sat next to us with
obedience.

“Mahesh ek Cappachino leh aa” I know the waiters now.

“Just tell us your story” Mayank and Akanksha drew in closer.

“I remember you, you were the guy touching the sofa weirdly at the chautha”

“Yeah well I was really disturbed, you know, seeing her like that”

“I’m sure..” Abhimanyu said. Mayank and Akanksha and I drew in even closer

He started finally “So yeah, yeah. First of all please don’t tell anyone about this. This started
in November, 2015 I was not in a good place in life and a friend of mine was friends with
Rhea. I use to smoke up a lot at that time. He took me to her place somewhere in Sujan
Singh park I’m guessing and we dropped some acid. He was I think dating her at that time.
And we had this moment you know, like a moment of clarity while on the trip like this was
it. I still remember the feeling, just clear, looking in her eyes. That this was who I was
looking for. And she had the same feeling, like this togetherness. Since then we started
talking on the phone a lot, kept texting and we really had good chemistry. We had the same
taste in music and films. She told me that she stopped talking to my friend.

Till June, I think, I had completely withdrawn from everything and everyone, she became
my life. We use to drop Acid every week and the dosage kept getting higher. One day that
friend of mine called me and told me to stay away from Rhea, he told me to stop stalking
her. I realized that he saw Rhea texting me and Rhea told him that I was just some psycho
who keeps irritating her. I asked Rhea what was up and she said that he was just someone
obsessing over her.

She mostly texted on snapchat so there was no I could even demand. But whatever little
evidence we had we shared amongst ourselves and realized what she was doing. When we
confronted her she said, ‘Yeah, so?’ and then we didn’t really have much to say. I loved her
so much. I don’t know why she did that, we had such a good thing going. I had to go back to
counseling to get over her. Its been really hard coming out of it. My friend on the other
hand still kept talking to her, he thought I was out of the picture and she was all to himself
but I knew she wasn’t.

All probably he was there for the drugs. That LSD was so potent, all most pure. I can’t find it
anywhere else. I had a few relapses, I kept calling her back. Then she just played games
with me, called me for coffee and showed up after an hour. Told me to sing a song for her
birthday and post it on my facebook. Just weird shit. But I did whatever she told me”

“You guys see?” I looked at akanksha and Mayank who had expression sucked out of them

“Thanks man, you’ve been of great service, you can leave now” I said and dragged his
cappachino to my side of the table.

“Oh ohh okay cool” Abhimanyu left with an awkward smile on his face.

My eyes have started to burn from the inside from this insomnia. So how I’ve started to
keep me awake is by having 1 spoon full of instant coffee every hour. I don’t even know
when was the last time I ate and my stomach acid is upto my throat burning even my
tongue.

“Okay from the list of guys I had, I met most of them, mostly from fake profiles I created
online. A similar version of the story came from every guy I met.”

“So basically she’s a psycho case, just craving for attention and to insure that attention she
gives drugs to these guys so that they’re addicted to her? This is so stupid.” Akanksha said,
brows together, mouth open, fingers making weird calculations. I gulped down my
cappuccino.

“Its true, she did the same to Mayank and my best guess is that she fucked with the wrong
guy, she broke the Coolest Guy in Khan Market’s heart, he couldn’t take it and he sliced her
neck on the streets of the very market they had their dates in” I made my case.

Akanksha kept quiet for a while and mayank spoke finally,

“Mujhe lagta hai Bagga is right” Mayank said with all his introvertedness at a rate of one
input for 1000 exchanges in a conversation.

“And with this motive there are three possibilities, one – It was planned, the killer wanted
to make a statement. Two – This was not planned and the killer violently reacted to the
situation a.k.a a crime of passion. Third – Mr. Bagga, the already established stalker,
smashed the cctv camera’s of khan market the previous night waited for Rhea to be on a
date with someone and then at the right moment sliced her neck and blamed it on this guy.”

“Jaan leh leh meri Moti! Shut the fuck up, you know I’m not smart enough to plan a murder”

“Maybe that’s all an act”

“I can check vaise, if I can have Bagga’s phone” Mayank said.

“Mahesh teen coffee karde. Shrat lag gayi, jo hara voh paise dega”

I stuck my tongue out for Akanksha and booed her knowing that she was wrong and gave
Mayank my phone and he started to doing something on it.

Akanksha looked at me, disgusted, shaking her head really slowly.

“Ek pastry bhi kar de!” She’s definitely loosing this one like she loses that battle with a low
carb diet on a daily basis.

Akanksha kept silent.

“Nahi Bagga nahi hai, according to the reports the CCTV stopped working at 3am the night
before and according to his GPS location history he was somewhere around Rajeev Chowk
at that time”

I showed Akanksha my well deserved middle finger.

“Congratulations you’re wrong and fat”

“Hey you can’t call me fat”

“Tune mujhe murderer bola”

“Yeah. You still can’t.” Akanksha kept quiet. She’s been in a weird zone this entire time

“You also searched for ‘Neha Dhupia hot’ like 8 times last night” Mayank said. I snatched my
phone from him. Fucking asshole.

“Okay so if I’m not the murderer, who is? That’s the question we need to be asking.” I said

“We need to find a pattern” mayank said

“Exactly, but I couldn’t find any accept that they were all 18-25 years old guys but he could
be anyone because she was talking to guys from all backgrounds. Like mayank aur mujh
mein kya common hai?”

“Tum dono chutiye ho” Moti said.

I gave a fake smile to Akanksha and went to my thinking zone.

“No, nothing, kuch common nahi hai” I said coming out.

“yeh yaar, Arjan Gandhi, Viraj Malhotra, Mayank Shukla, Sidharth Nayar, Uday Khatri ke
beech mein kuch common nahi hai, mein tubse who hi soch raha houn”

“How did these guys meet Rhea?”

“Different places, some at Amity, some online, some at friends place, a wedding, the fucking
road, everywhere”

“They liked drugs?”

“Not everyone, not me, some guys she didn’t even do the drugs things, she just played
games with them”

“So we have 3 categories, drug users, non drug users and susceptible to drug use” I said,
deducting from like my detective work.

“That’s like every fucking human being”

“You have a better idea?”

“Fuck it, here’s a list of all the guys. See if you can find something useful.” I sent her the list
on whatsapp

“Bhai lakshmi Nagar side drop kar dega?” Bhenchod yeh banda gareeb hai.

“Chal kar dounga, lakin tereko mera ek kaam karna hoga”

Mayank nods

“Mahesh bill Akanksha ko dede”

Night

♪​Tera buzz mujhe jeene na de, jeene na de♪​ ​ 95 fm ne dil ki baat bol di. You rock Fatwake.

Its like 3 am, I’m in my car again and I needed this drive, just to think. Also I took two pills
of adderall from mayank. I have both of them in my system right now and I have to tell you
this drug is magic. I have never focused so much on anything in my entire life. My sleep and
the headache is gone completely. I have answers to everything, I found patterns where
patterns don’t exist, I found out that varun and Arjan’s dad’s are friends and were in the
same college. I don’t think they know themselves. I found that if you add up all the names of
the guys they were dating we have 29 vowels and 12% guys have their names starting from
A. 7% of them are Aquarius. And if you google my name now you have 21 search results, I
am a celebrity. I also learnt how to say water in 25 languages. I have procrastinated a lot
but I feel like Mayank and Akanksha have also not found shit like me. I wish I had this drug
during my board exams, I would have gotten atleast a 75.

I needed a break from all these calculations so I decided to do that and I’ve been driving for
2 hours now. I’ve covered the whole of delhi twice and I still haven’t been able to find a
pattern and by this point I’ve realized that there is no pattern it could be anyone. If I could
have just seen his face, things would have been a lot simpler, I would have just described
him. I wonder where he would be right now? If babbu has come any closer to finding him.
And what she must have done to him. None of these guys had seen this guy when I
described him and by this time I’ve lost hope. He’s probably off to like a really cool place
like Ibiza.

I was crossing the Moolchand flyover which after 3 am is mostly populated by transgenders
or male Gigolo’s. They dress up as women in put a lot of make up and wear a dress to hide
the fact that they have a P.P. instead of a V.V..

I saw a similar face between the 7 standing at the signal. Under all that make up was a
similar face. The thin boy I met in the morning, it was sidharth.

I whistled and pointed at that and called it close to the car. He/she came towards the car,
moving her waist while he/she was at it and leaned in.

“Aaja” I said

“Sucking ka 500, fucking ka 2000” He said without recognizing me. I could reveal myself,
not just yet.

He sat in the car and I started driving the car. I locked the door.

“Sidharth bro tu randi hai?” I said now revealing myself.

“Kaun hai tu?” Sidharth said in his proper voice.

I switched the light on.

“Bagga!” uski gand phat gayi.

“Acha sun smile kar” I took a photo of him.”

“Chal aab mujhe sab kuch bata de, nahi toh college mein sabko pata chal jayega”

“Bhai please, jane de mujhe”

“Bhenchod! chal kya raha hai yeh! Tu bhenchod gigolo hai!”

“Bhai please mein nahi bata sakta, mujhe mar dalienge”

“Bhai isse zyada kya marega, 500 rupey mein blowjob deta hai tu?”

He dug his nails in his cheeks and let out a scream

“Please Bagga, please tu samajh kyun nahi raha, woh mujhe mar dinge, Rhea ki tarah” He
started crying.