16 Backdoor

The Pioneer Log, April 22, 2011

TOAST OF THE WEEK: UNBRIDLED ACADEMIC PANIC

There was a time in the beginning of the year where beer was the Tigris and Euphrates of LC, flowing ever so peacefully and dependably that it formed the basis of our early civilization. The days that began as the unabashed fulfillment of earthly desires has slowly been overtaken by the soul-crushing reason of Western humanity. No longer are we mere social animals. We have become the liberally-minded automatons of the new flesh. Goodbye to our Dionysian uptopia. Hello to intellectual servitude.

You Caught My Eye

You: Tall Freshman Me: Unworthy of your Love, also graduating, but whatevs, you seem cool. You: Chicago Chuck, wanna fuck? Me: Minnesota Miss wants a kiss. You: Hula-dancing, special-friendtaking, gossip-speaking senior Me: Tall, haka-dancing, special-friendhaving, I-am-not-your-boyfriend junior. You: Hunky guy from Iowa Me: I OWe u A spanking You: Starry kilted astronomy professor Me: Its past time for the beard to leave this universe, pal You: Sunburn Music Fest. Me: Your lineup is so hot. I cant wait to attend you.

THE END IS NIGH!

You: Russian Tutor of the Whiskey Sours Me: Preevyet (please read in a sexy voice) T dices que el amor no permite la lgica,y la lgica no permite nuestro amor, pero... Yo te quiero Matthieu

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DRINK WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

The Wonders of Sleep Deprivation

+ SOME people smoked around the flagpole at 4:20.............. A.M. + Its the cheapest way to hallucinate... The visuals? TOO REAL. + I was thinking the other day about how theres never enough food and what if we all just ate when we well I cant really describe it that well right now but you know what Im saying its just that the people have to eat and I really just get it now. + Most people go through their entire lives without knowing what its like to go to a diner at 4:37 a.m. and watch a crackhead eat pancakes. + It only takes a beer to get SHITHOUSED. Economic.

+ If you go to sleep, there is NO WAY youre going to get up in time for breakfast. Veggie patties, ahoy! + Nobody is truly interesting until he or she has had a taste of the latent madness within themselves. + Its good practice for when were all declared enemies of the state by the CIA and must withstand their coercive interrogation techniques. + Next time you havent slept for over two days, put on a white Hanes Vneck and stand against a bare brick wall. Contemplate the emptiness of consumerism and have your friend take a picture of you. Hello modeling career! + You can write your newspaper page with the peaceful and lethargic acceptance of knowing it will likely be sub-par. BUT THATS OKAY. + The sunrise is cool, I guess. + No one ever fucks with the crazyhead sitting alone and laughing to himself. + If you ever hope to chew out someone you dont like with the absolute reckless abandon that they deserve, try doing it after a 36-hour study binge. + You can make new friends over barely coherent cigarette breaks outside the library: My thesis is about global shit... ah, fuck it, I dont know. Oh, cool. Mines about AAAAAGGGGHHHH! + People think youre mean if you resent their happiness in any other circumstances. + Unlike all the posers, you truly do not give one single ounce of a fuck.

Rationalizations to live by...

Its just one twenty-minute sitcom. Ill start homework after that. I mean... This is probably the only nice day well have all week. Ramen is basically a balanced meal. Its got vegetables in it probably. Maybe next semester, if I party harder at the beginning, it will all be out of my system by the time finals come around. Ill start all my work at 7 p.m. [Three hours of StumbleUpon and Facebook pass by] Oh no! Its 7:05. Guess Ill start it at 8. I have to go to the Bon before it closes, but Ill eat quickly. I might have a couple cups of coffee afterwards... You know, to stay awake. This is a really important conversation. It may not help my academics, but by golly, it helps my friendship. Finding an apartment on craigslist has to get done just as much as this paper has to get done. At least Im accomplishing something. Im a fast reader. 250 pages will only take me a couple hours to get through. Ill do it right after I take a quick catnap. Life is meaningless anyway. Why would I be responsible when lying to myself is so much fun!

THIS WEEKS COMIC BY PUFFA SCHPLIFZ

*P.S. All farticles found in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. P.S. It aint Activia keepin shit regular in this Backdoor; its Erin Ruprecht. Stay posi, bros.