How To Know If You're Dealing With Gaslighting In Your Relationship

By Jayda Shuavarnnasri, M.A.

August 27, 2020

Share on:
When you're in a relationship with someone you love, the last thing you'd
expect is for them to gaslight you. Here are a few signs you can look out for to
determine if you're a victim of gaslighting in your relationship, plus tips to help
you navigate it.

What is gaslighting in relationships? 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used in relationships in
order to maintain control over another person. The origin of the term can
be traced to a British play in which an abusive husband manipulates the
surroundings and events with the goal of making his wife question her reality.
Gaslighting can happen in families, friendships, and even in workplaces, and
it's often a sign of an abusive relationship.

People use gaslighting to "gain an upper hand and avoid accountability,"

according to Andrea Papin, RTC, and Jess Jackson, LMT, therapists
at Trauma Aware Care. It involves the covert use of mind games that make it
difficult to know if you are experiencing gaslighting, and that is the point.

"Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance

of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that
keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and their partner in the 'wrong,'" therapist Aki
Rosenberg, LMFT, tells mbg. 

Signs of gaslighting in a relationship:

1. You find yourself doubting your reality. 
Every relationship has its challenges, and sometimes that means confronting
your own behaviors. However, when you second-guess your reality to the
point where you feel like you're "losing it," that's a major sign of gaslighting.
"The most destructive thing about gaslighting is that it makes it difficult to trust
yourself," Rosenberg explains. This can happen over time, so it's not easy to
detect immediately, but if you constantly find yourself asking "Am I losing it?"
or saying "I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is valid," that's a big indicator of
being gaslit. 
2. Your partner is dismissive of your feelings.
When you bring up a concern or share your feelings with your partner, they
may convince you that you're the one mistaken or that you're overthinking. In
the context of a healthy relationship, your partner will listen to your concerns
and address them. Clinical therapist Alexis Sutton tells mbg that partners who
gaslight will sometimes say, "You're too sensitive" or "You don't have a right to
feel that way." Some partners will even deny events happened.

3. They never let you talk during a conflict.

When you're in the middle of an argument with them, you might feel like
they're constantly cutting you off and not letting you explain your point of view.
"If you find yourself recording your conversations or writing long emails to get
your point across because you can never get a word in when you speak to a
person, you're probably experiencing gaslighting," Sutton adds.

4. Your partner doesn't apologize when you express hurt.

If you share with your partner that you are hurt and they lack empathy, that is
a red flag. "If your partner doesn't apologize when you express hurt but
convinces you that you shouldn't think what you are thinking or feel how you
are feeling," that's another telltale sign of gaslighting, says Rosenberg. She
explains that if a partner is never willing to take accountability for their actions
and "you exhaust yourself, trying to justify your feelings in order for your
partner to determine whether or not they are valid," you are being gaslit by
your partner.

5. Your partner blames you or outside circumstances.

If you notice that your partner often blames you when conflict arises or blames
their actions on outside factors, that is a sign of gaslighting. Sutton explains
that people who gaslight might "change the topic to something you have done
instead of addressing what they have done." Papin and Jackson add that
some partners may take it as far as belittling you, calling you "too sensitive" as
a way to avoid taking accountability for themselves. 

6. You start believing that you're just not working hard enough in your
relationship.
At some point in your relationship, you may begin to believe that you are not
doing enough. Your partner has denied, minimized, or placed the blame on
you when you've tried to voice your concerns. Over time this can cause you to
internalize those messages to the point where you believe that it is your fault.
"This is objectively impossible," Rosenberg reminds. "In a healthy relationship,
both partners will make mistakes and both partners will apologize when they
are in the wrong. If it's one-sided all the time, it's an indication that the
relationship dynamic is organized around themes of power and control." 

7. Using your voice brings about feelings of guilt.

Your relationship may get to the point where sharing any of your feelings
becomes incredibly difficult to do. If the thought of bringing up a concern or
sharing your true feelings starts making you feel guilty, therapist Mariel
Buquè, Ph.D., says that's a sign that "there is control at the center of your
relationship, which is a key marker of gaslighting." She recommends paying
attention to if you are feeling suppressed or "if you are feeling voiceless in
your relationship," as that is a sign of being gaslit.
Examples of gaslighting in a relationship.
What you'll notice in every situation of gaslighting is an avoidance of taking
responsibility for that person's role in the relationship. 

Here's an example: Lupe and Sam are a couple whose friendship blossomed

into dating. As soon as they started their romantic relationship, it became
increasingly hard for Lupe to bring up her concerns to Sam about not
spending enough time with her. When they were out together, Sam would
treat Lupe as if they were still platonic friends and flirt with other people. This
made Lupe confused and prompted her to initiate a conversation about their
developing relationship. 

When Lupe brought up her concerns around flirting with other people and
asked to spend more quality time together, this made Sam upset. His reaction
was, "You're acting like I don't care about you at all," and "Am I a bad person
for trying to make new friends?" Sam deflected his behavior, making Lupe feel
like she was in the wrong for trying to gain clarity around their relationship.
Why do people gaslight?
"Gaslighting can make the perpetrator feel more powerful and in control,"
Papin and Jackson explain. A person who gaslights might not have the
capacity to sit with their emotions or self-reflect and may even have feelings of
low self-worth that they are uncomfortable dealing with. In some cases,
gaslighting is used by someone psychologists would identify as a narcissist,
where the person has no sense of remorse for their actions or empathy for
their partner. 
Gaslighting can be done either consciously or unconsciously, they add.
Although gaslighting is never justified, there are some people who may not
realize they are even doing it. Some people consistently rely on gaslighting as
a tactic to maintain control in relationships, so they might not realize how
harmful it is. "Some folks have been gaslighting those around them for so long
that it's a second-nature survival strategy," Papin and Jackson explain.
They and Rosenberg also drew parallels between gaslighting in relationships
and larger social issues. Papin and Jackson note that gaslighting "can often
intersect with misogyny and white supremacy. These intersections have often
excused and encouraged gaslighting behavior to maintain positions of power.
Gaslighting is a common method to keep power structures in place and
oppress folks who have less access to support and resources."
These power dynamics can show up within intimate relationships as well. "The
more privilege one has, the more their experience gets centralized as 'normal'
or 'correct,'" Rosenberg explains. "Gaslighting can show up in relationships as
the more privileged partner discounting the experiences of the less privileged
partner."
How to stop gaslighting in a relationship:
1. Seek support to affirm your experience.
The therapists agreed that seeking support from trusted people outside of
your relationship is crucial to helping you feel validated and affirmed in your
experience. "Because gaslighting is so invalidating and manipulative,
reminders and empathy can feel deeply supportive," Papin and Jackson
explain. "You might turn to a trusted friend, or a therapist, if you have access
to one."
2. You can choose to confront your partner about their gaslighting.
There is a chance that your partner does not realize they are gaslighting you.
In this case, Buquè suggests it may be worthwhile to help them understand
what gaslighting is, how they are enacting it, and how it makes you feel. "It,
unfortunately, places the burden of proof and teaching on the person that's
being hurt by gaslighting, but it can actually make a difference in them
deciding to shift their ways in the service of removing toxic patterns from the
relationship," she explains.
3. If you're dealing with a narcissist, confronting them is futile. 
It's unlikely that a toxic person will admit to manipulating the relationship in
order to have a sense of control. If you are experiencing gaslighting in the
moment, Dr. Sutton recommends removing yourself from the situation: "Don't
engage. If possible, end the conversation. Gaslighters aren't interested in your
perspective or feelings," and it would take you more energy and suffering to
try to convince them otherwise. 
4. Leave the relationship if gaslighting persists.
If that gaslighting is pervasive and confronting your partner is not an option,
do consider leaving the relationship. Sutton urges that if your partner becomes
enraged while they are gaslighting you or puts you in danger, it is even more
imperative that you consider ending the relationship altogether. This may not
be easy, but it may be a necessary step toward feeling safe.
5. Notice the patterns.
"Regardless of if you choose to stay or go, develop an understanding of your
own attachment patterns," Rosenberg recommends. "Sometimes we
legitimately can't see this behavior coming, but often, when we look back on a
bad relationship, we recognize all the red flags and gut instincts we overrode
in the hopes of receiving love and connection."
6. Recognize it is not up to you to stop the gaslighting.
The experts all shared this sentiment: Gaslighting is never your fault. Even
though your partner may have convinced you that the toxic pattern is because
of you, it is never your responsibility to stop the gaslighting from happening. In
a healthy relationship, both partners are accountable to their own behaviors,
and when it comes to gaslighting, the person doing it must have a willingness
to change.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/signs-of-gaslighting-in-relationships