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LOUDBRARY
Written by Stephen “Shoe” Shoemaker

Bridget -
Loudbrarian -
BRIAN -
Person #2 -

Open on a LOUDBRARY. The LOUDBRARIAN loudly stamps books

and chucks them across the room. BRIAN loudly turns the
pages of the book they’re reading and PERSON #2 loudly
looks at books then slams them back down. BRIDGET enters
and walks up to the
LOUDBRARIAN.

BRIDGET
(Quietly.) Um excuse me-

LOUDBRARIAN

S
(Finger to their lips.) LOUDER.

BRIDGET
(Normal voice, but confused.)
Sorry. I’d like to uh
SM
LOUDBRARIAN
I SAID LOUDER.

BRIDGET
(Just a little louder.) OK uh I’d
like to check out Runaway-

LOUDBRARIAN
JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE TO SPEAK
LOUDER. THIS IS A LOUDBRARY. (They
point at the sign, “TALK LOUDLY OR
GET OUTTIE”).

BRIDGET
(To herself.) Talk loudly or get
outtie? (To LOUDBRARIAN) What-

LOUDBRARIAN
ALRIGHT THAT’S IT. GET OUT OF MY
LOUDBRARY.

BRIAN
(Gets into LOUDBRARIAN’s face.)
HEY WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT
LOUDBRARIAN.

BRIDGET
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I don’t know him. I just want to
check out-

BRIAN
JUST BECAUSE YOU OWN ALL THE BOOKS
IN THIS TOWN DOESNT MEAN THAT YOU
GET TO WRITE THE RULES. THERE ARE
LAWS IN THIS COUNTRY DAMMIT.

LOUDBRARIAN
THAT’S IT, YOU’RE BANNED TOO
BRIAN.

PERSON #2 runs up too.

PERSON #2
(The loudest, and tears are
streaming down her face.) HEY. YOU
GUYS ARE TEARING ME APART. C’MON

S
GUYS. (Points to the LOUDBRARIAN.)
THAT’S YOUR SISTER BRIAN. (Points
to BRIAN.) AND THAT’S YOUR BROTHER
LOUDBRARIAN. YOU’RE ALL EACH OTHER
HAVE.
SM
BRIDGET
I can just buy this online-

LOUDBRARIAN
(Starts to cry.) YOUR RIGHT PERSON
#2. JUST BECAUSE MY NAME IS
LOUDBRARIAN DOESN’T MEAN I
SHOUDLNT BE A KINDBRARIAN TOO.

PERSON #2
(To the audience.) THAT’S IT. THE
SKETCH IS OVER. (SHOE walks onto
the stage in shame.) HERE’S THE
WRITER. HE ACTUALLY WROTE IT. HE
COULDN’T THINK OF AN ENDING SO
THIS IS HOW THIS SKETCH IS ENDING.
(To SHOE.) APOLOGIZE.

SHOE
I’m uh, I’m sorry.

LOUDBRARIAN
LOUDER.

SHOE
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I’m uh I’M SORRY EVERYONE FOR
WASTING YOUR TIME. I SHOULD HAVE
SPENT MORE TIME WRITING THIS.

Everyone boos.

PERSON #2
ALRIGHT. THAT’S THE LOUDBRARY
SKETCH. LET’S JUST GET TO THE NEXT
ONE. (Walks off.) JESUS CHRIST.

S
SM