THE DISCOVERY OF GRACEFUL ACCEPTANCE AND ITS TRANSFORMING EFFECT

Sorry this is a long article so be warned. I was unable to post it as a PDF.

WHERE DOES GRACEFUL ACCEPTANCE COME FROM

I just want to discuss the tremendous value of discovering graceful acceptance. But I want to make a
few things clear about it first. Graceful acceptance is not what we generally mean by acceptance.
What we generally mean is an attitude that recognizes the reality that things are the way they are.
This is a good attitude to have and has as its basis realistic thinking.

However, the graceful acceptance discussed in Vedanta is much more than a useful psychological
attitude. This acceptance is born in us as a result of understanding the Vedantic vision that “All that
is happening right now, right here, is the presence of God in the form of order”. This is a vision that
can (it only can when it is active in our life at any one moment) embrace EVERY ASPECT OF OUR
LIVES. It is not the absolute vision that Vedanta unfolds concerning the truth of ourselves, the
universe and God being one and the same; it is rather a way of seeing objects other than ourselves
and brings us into an entirely different relation to these things. A relation that is free from conflict
and resistance to what is happening. A relation in which there is graceful acceptance in relation to
any object. This includes all objects: mental, sensory (sight, sounds, smells, taste and touch), other
people’s actions as well as our own, and all the daily happenings in our life. Graceful acceptance is
the one attitude that can meet ALL the happenings in our life.

What is very important about graceful acceptance is that it is a relation which is, relatively speaking,
devoid of any resistance or psychological conflict. The other important thing is that it is an attitude
that we as individuals CAN ABIDE IN AND LIVE FROM. When we are abiding in graceful acceptance in
fact, we are transformed psychologically.

When talking to Puja Swamiji about attitude, he said that attitude pervades the entire individual.
The attitude IS the individual. This is a very interesting fact. When we are enclosed in an angry
attitude, ALL of us - the entire psycho/physical entity, participates in this attitude. All our thoughts,
feelings, physiological reactions, our posture and actions come together and conform to the
prevailing attitude that is active in us. So when we are abiding in Graceful Acceptance at any one
time, there is a complete transformation of ourselves as an individual living in the world.

Can we practice being gracefully accepting? No, because it is not something we do. It is the result of
understanding. What about trying to be gracefully accepting? No, this will not work either. We can
only BE gracefully accepting, which is abiding in an attitude that has become active in us. This
attitude is not a product of our will. Graceful acceptance is a natural and inevitable consequence of
understanding that the experience I am facing is the presence of God in the form of order. If I in fact,
SEE this experience in this way, I can’t help but be gracefully accepting. Now where does this
understanding come from? Does it just hit me while I am quietly walking down the road? Of course

1
not. It comes from listening to a traditional teacher who SEES life in this way and is trained in the
method of unfolding this Vision of God. This life transforming vision comes from the Vedic scriptures
through the words of a competent teacher trained in the method of unfoldment. It does not come
from any other place.

When we listen in the right way, with the right attitude, the teacher’s way of seeing becomes alive in
us as OUR WAY OF SEEING. When this way of seeing takes up all the room, all other ways of seeing
objects which we have unconsciously acquired in our lives, drop away and we find ourselves as
individuals BEING gracefully accepting.

THE TRANSFORMING EFFECT OF GRACEFUL ACCEPTANCE

The point I want to make here is that graceful acceptance is a new event in our lives. It is, in fact, the
psychological transformation we are all looking for. Why is this? It might sound a bit exaggerated. So
let’s look at it with fresh eyes because it might contain far more that we would have ever guessed.

I will state the big picture and then go into details.

When we are abiding in graceful acceptance, we find ourselves choicelessly (without the action of
our will):

BEING OURSELVES

BEING AWARE

BEING FREE

BEING OBJECTIVE

BEING COMPOSED

BEING SECURE

BEING ALIVE

BEING CONTENT

Let’s take these one by one.

BEING OURSELVES

The basis of ALL psychological reactions is the non-acceptance of facts. In the presence of non-
acceptance of facts, we “become” something other than ourselves. We BECOME our loneliness,
anger, frustration, sadness, fear, self-criticism, boredom, envy, guilt, hurt, and ALL the forms of
unhappiness that we experience. When we are being ourselves as a simple conscious being, we are
no longer being what we are not.

Appreciating ourselves as distinct from our body and mind by being ourselves and appreciating
ourselves more and more this way, is far better than this modern Vedantic method of trying to say
to myself “I am not my body, I am not my mind” My teacher, Swamini Atmaprakasananda, says that
this is babble. It is like standing in front of the experience of the snake, telling yourself: ‘It is a rope’

2
instead of appreciating the fact of the rope. This appreciation of the rope is the only thing that
makes the experience of a snake disappear.

When we BECOME our painful psychological reactions, we lose sight of ourselves as a conscious
person and our sense of identity and the psychological reaction becomes one and the same in terms
of our EXPERIENCE of ourselves. Our BEING EMOTIONAL PAIN is an experience, not the reality. As
soon as we cease to BE our emotional pain by being ourselves, the emotional pain drops away.
Graceful acceptance removes the basis for reactions which is non acceptance of facts. When we are
abiding in graceful acceptance, we find ourselves simply being ourselves, a simple, non-demanding
conscious person. When we are being this, we can’t even if we wanted to, be other than what we
are. We have ceased to be our emotional pain.

BEING AWARE

Awareness is not something we can DO. A fire because of its nature, can’t help but shed light. In
Vedanta we don’t try to practice awareness; rather, we become familiar with what it means to BE
AWARE. At any one moment, we can shift to graceful acceptance, and then we find ourselves simply
BEING OURSELVES. This is not something we do. It is BEING not DOING. Swami Dayananda says “You
are alive to the moment by JUST being yourself”. This statement has extraordinary meaning. The
understanding of this frees us from the attempts to do what we can’t do. I used to TRY to be aware. I
was unhappy and it sounded reasonable that if I became aware, my emotional pain would go away.
This is true in one way but if WE don’t KNOW what it means to BE OURSELVES, awareness is not
possible for us. The door is closed and it is also locked if we are confused by all this awareness stuff
promoted by the modern spiritual spin doctors. The “Watch your feelings until they go away” mob.

When we find ourselves BEING OURSELVES, we find ourselves BEING alive to the moment. In
graceful acceptance sounds happen and hearing takes place. There is no will involved. There is a
complete absence of effort. Everything just becomes natural. There is no spiritual concocting of any
sort. I am not saying to myself “I am the self” or “I am awareness” and all that sort of nonsense.
There is no hope. No dread of the future or regret about the past.

Abiding in graceful acceptance is to abide AS AWARENESS. Graceful acceptance is a consciously

acquired attitude and within it, ALL the other unconsciously acquired attitudes formed in me by past
experience, become relatively resolved. If at any moment I, as an individual, BECOME gracefully
accepting and this graceful accepting takes up all the room without effort on my part, I find myself
BEING AWARE. Again shifting into graceful acceptance is the doorway.

BEING FREE

Ourselves as a simple conscious being is not a product of our past interactions with others. It is not a
product of the social forces that produced our psychological content. Ourselves AS WE ARE is the
only “place” where there is freedom. Everything else is determined by external forces. If we are not
Being ourselves as a conscious aware person, we can’t help but mindlessly dramatize the
psychological content we take to be ourselves to be; much to the harm to ourselves and to the
people around us.

3
Normally our way of living in the world is completely determined. Something happens which triggers
our psychological content and the next moment we find OURSELVES reacting mindlessly. We can't
help but ACT OUT WHAT WE ARE. This is not freedom, it is slavery.

Abiding in graceful acceptance is to abide AS AN AWARE CONSCIOUS BEING. Graceful acceptance is a

consciously acquired attitude and within it, ALL the other unconsciously acquired attitudes formed in
me by past experience become relatively resolved. If at any moment I as an individual, BECOME
gracefully accepting and this graceful accepting takes up all the room and without effort on my part,
I find myself BEING AWARE. Again shifting into graceful acceptance is the doorway.

BEING OBJECTIVE

Objectivity is not something we have or do, it is something we ARE. When we have an objective
relation to what is happening, our minds are full of what is happening without our subjective notions
coming in between us and what is. Our minds are full of the objects of experience that are there as
they are. We are alive to what is happening as well as our reactions to what is happening. This
makes our minds object + ive (ive is a suffix, or word ending, meaning “that which has the quality
of”). In other words, having the quality of objects. Swami Dayananda says objectivity is “because IT
IS THERE, I see it” as opposed to subjectivity “Because I see it, it is there”. This is when my mind is
full of the PRESENCE of the given as given. This is directly related to the Vedic vision of God. The
PRESENCE of the Given is the PRESENCE of the GIVER. To be objective is to be full of the presence of
God and this fact can be appreciated as such.

Without graceful acceptance, we are full of subjectivity (reactivity). When we shift to graceful
acceptance at any one moment, we find ourselves being objective. Again, abiding in graceful
acceptance is the doorway and objectivity is the natural result.

BEING COMPOSED

The core of every form of psychological suffering is conflict or friction. WE ARE DISTURBED. When
we are in conflict, we are resisting facts and are fighting with ourselves, others or the world. There is
no peace in this. We, as an individual, are disturbed. ALL OF US, AS AN INDIVIDUAL, ARE DISTURBED
when we are in conflict with what is. In the presence of graceful acceptance, ALL OF US AS AN
INDIVIDUAL IS PEACEFUL. Only a clear mind, free of disturbance, can see and learn.

Ill will or enmity towards other, for real or imagined wrongs, is a heavy load to carry. Being full of
hate keeps our mind occupied and full of pressure. Hatred is a mental disturbance that can’t coexist
with a mind that is peaceful and free of conflict.

Graceful acceptance is the doorway to a quality of mind and body that is peaceful and relaxed.
BEING PEACEFUL is impossible without abiding in graceful acceptance. Peace is our nature as a
conscious being. We don’t have to produce it. It becomes evident when the friction is resolved in an
attitude of graceful acceptance.

BEING SECURE

When our sense of wellbeing is dependent on external things other than ourselves, we are always
insecure. When we discover a sense of wellbeing which becomes evident EVERY TIME WE SHIFT

4
INTO THE RIGHT RELATION TO THE WHOLE, that is available every moment right now, right here, AS
WE ARE (no matter what that is), there is a fairly unshakable sense of security. This is because the
world and others can’t take from us what is not given by them.

Abiding in graceful acceptance makes us available to a sense of security. We tend to habitually look
to people and things to provide us with security and so we are looking in the wrong direction most
of the time and so ignore the security that is always here right now, right where we are, as we are. It
is interesting that the word ignorance comes from the word ignore. In the presence of graceful
acceptance, the presence of a sense of security that depends on no person or thing becomes
evident.

BEING ALIVE

When we feel bored or empty, anything exciting becomes very attractive. Things like alcohol, drugs,
sex and exciting entertainment can become a way to FEEL alive. When we are empty, we don’t feel
full within ourselves. Ordinary pleasures like walking and appreciating nature are not enjoyable
because they don’t have the power to excite.

Abiding in Graceful acceptance fills us with a sense of aliveness. When we simply go for a walk
abiding in graceful acceptance, sights and sounds are vividly present. Our world becomes rich with
the sensations of sights, sounds and the physical sensations of walking. We can simply ENJOY BEING
OURSELVES. We are free from emptiness and the desire for excitement. We are full within ourselves.

BEING CONTENT

Now this element transforms our life because it resolves to a relative degree the problem of the
deep sense of self dissatisfaction out of which are born our BINDING DESIRES. Only happiness or
contentment can neutralize our binding desires. The reason our binding desires have so much force
is they are a pressure in the direction of what we think will relieve us of our deep self-dissatisfaction
or psychological misery. We can have as much therapy as we like, but if we don’t discover an
intrinsic (that belongs to us alone) happiness that is always available and which we always have
access to, we will always be under the sway of our binding desires.

Let us say we have the need for love and approval. Let us further say that we have a background that
says whenever we feel loved and approved of, we feel really good about ourselves because we no
longer feel unloved and unapproved of. The aversion to experiencing the psychological misery of
feeling unloved and unapproved of will drive us to cling to the people who love and approve of us.
When they fail to give us the love and approval, which they often won’t, we will find ourselves again
striving to regain the “happiness” we have lost. Even if we don’t want to, we won’t be able to help
ourselves because the only remedy we see is more love and approval from others. IF OUR BINDING
DESIRES REMAIN THE SAME, WE REMAIN THE SAME. This is a law. If our psychological misery (Swami
Dayananda calls this Self Dissatisfaction) remains active in our lives, it is not possible to neutralize
the binding desires because they, in our view, are taking us in the direction of removing our
suffering. This is why the “spiritual” notion of trying to get rid of binding desires is futile. Without the
discovery of self-contentment, it is simply not possible.

5
As human beings we all suffer from the experience of being unloved and not approved of, this is why
we depend on love and approval and seek to maintain it. We all feel insignificant and thereby have
strivings to become important in terms of status and power. The reason this binding desire is so
powerful is the satisfaction it gives us which is the experience of being free from the misery that the
desire is born out of. This is an extraordinarily powerful desire that binds us and determines so much
of how we life in the world.

Lastly, in our culture, owning things is a great defence against feeling insecure and feeling like we
are a loser. Under the sway of binding desires, we don’t live our life in our genuine best interests we
rather live for status and power, greed and popularity and fame.

Only self-contentment can neutralize the binding effect of desires born out of our misery. This fact
we are saying now is the key to our transformation as individuals. Self contentment discovered right
now, right where we are, as we are, will neutralize our misery born desires. When we are living
under the sway of binding desires, every time people or things don’t satisfy these desires, we
become disturbed. We can’t help it, even if we wanted to.

Only happiness appreciated right now, right where we are, as we are, releases us from the pressure
of binding desires. Only abiding in graceful acceptance makes us available to a happiness that does
not depend on the satisfaction of binding desires. When self-contentment takes up all the room, the
misery is relatively resolved. When the psychological misery is no longer active in us at any one time,
the relentless pressure of the binding desires is neutralized as a natural consequence.

CONCLUSION

Now it may seem that I have been talking about a lot of things like peace, objectivity, awareness etc.
This is not the way to look at it. I have been only talking about one thing. Graceful acceptance opens
the door to simply BEING OURSELVES as a conscious person in front of whatever happens, without
becoming our psychological reactions. In Vedanta BEING MYSELF AND KNOWING WHAT THAT
MEANS is everything. Once I am familiar with myself as a conscious being, I am in a position to learn
about and go into the question of what is the content of this conscious person I am who is aware of
themselves, others and the world. What is the reality of this conscious person, who is alive to the
moment by being themselves.

But before such a study can begin in any real way, we have to become an individual who is relatively
peaceful, secure and content within themselves and because of this, can remain more or less the
same in front of whatever is happening in their lives. Such a person will have a mind which is
predominately clear and light and an individual who enjoys remaining with themselves as they are.
Such an individual is not hankering for people or things to make them happy. Such a person has a
mind that can learn. Swami Dayananda calls this a contemplative disposition. Now their mind is
ready to be exposed to the absolute vision which is Vedanta in the real sense. But notice that this
readiness is not possible without karma yoga. Karma yoga is a process that establishes the person in
GRACEFUL ACCEPTANCE AS WAY OF LIFE. How this works I want to go into right now and this has
been the whole purpose of the article so far.

6
GRACEFUL ACCEPTANCE AND KARMA YOGA

To practice karma yoga, we need to KNOW what is it is to abide in the Vision that “everything that is
happening in our lives is the presence of God in the form of order” and we need to be familiar with it
in a real way. The attitude of graceful acceptance that is born out of this understanding. If this does
not make sense to us, we need to get in front of a traditional teacher and learn to see life through
this vision. The Vision of God in the scriptures has to become our vision, our way of seeing. It does
not have to be perfect but it has to be clear enough to become familiar with the attitude of graceful
acceptance that comes out of it. This is of primary importance. This is because once we know what
graceful acceptance is to some extent, we can become familiar with it and begin to learn to shift into
it more and more in the front of painful emotional reactions, unpleasant actions of other people and
difficult circumstances.

Graceful acceptance is something that can get deeper and deeper and embrace more and more
aspects of our lives. This is in direct proportion that we start to live a life of Karma Yoga. Now lets
see how Karma Yoga works and how it forms the basis of transforming us as individuals who live in
this world. Remember Pujya Swamiji says there is no Karma Yoga without the Vision of God. This is
because Karma Yoga brings you as a conscious being into a harmonious relation to the Total.

We, all of us, this writer included, are individuals enclosed in the samsaric condition which means we
are actively pursuing people and things in order to make ourselves secure, peaceful and content for
our security, peace and happiness. No matter how hard we try, this relentless pursuit of ours to GET
happiness from people and things does not always go our way. When this happens, we EXPERIENCE
different forms of unhappiness. It SEEMS as if the pain is caused by people and things but the TRUTH
is that when any binding desire is frustrated, the misery that the desire is arising out of is revealed in
all its glory.

We don’t have to wait for the unconscious to surface in Vedanta. It surfaces every day in the form of
every kind of human suffering ranging from intense emotional pain, to anger, to annoyance, to
frustration, down to boredom. As a karma yogi, we are not interested in blaming or changing people
or situations to feel right within ourselves. We are interested in unburdening the mind of the
unhappiness as it comes up, moment by moment. We are interested in neutralizing the binding
desires so they no longer determine how we live and no longer have the capacity to disturb us. In
Vedanta, when the reactions of the mind no longer determine HOW WE ARE as an individual, our
mind is said to be pure. This purity of mind is the goal. Karma Yoga is the means.

ABIDING IN GRACEFUL ACCEPTANCE MOMENT BY MOMENT

So here I am feeling good about myself BECAUSE I am getting the respect I like. Suddenly,
unexpectedly, someone who I like calls me a stupid fool. For no reason, mind you. I am NATURALLY
upset with this low life and wish to retaliate in various ways. They have put me down and deserve
the same to happen to them. Now let’s look at this event in the light of Vedanta.

The more we listen to the Vedantic wisdom, the more and louder it talks to us. If we turn to this
wisdom more and more, especially when we are upset, the more it becomes active as a guiding
force in our life. The light of this wisdom does not condemn, it just reveals WHAT IS REALLY
HAPPENING.

7
Firstly, if we have a desire for people to respect us, it means we have a low self-opinion that we find
painful. Out of this pain arises the desire for having the experience of others respecting us in various
ways. With such a desire becoming active in us, we can’t help but attempt to GET respect or try and
protect the respect that we feel we have got. We brag a little to look good. We try to be a good look
in the eyes of others and do various others things built around getting respect. We are driven to do
this.

Secondly, is the person a low life or just a person who has said something we don’t like? A few
moments ago they were a “great guy” because they respected us but now they are just a “low life”.
Are these labels we project onto people really what they are or do they belong to my mind? Of
course they belong to my mind. Objectively, all I can really say is that they are a person who has
done something I don’t like. Now we are being alive to facts. As a Karma Yogi we are more
interested in the truth than being in the right. When we are under the sway of such subjective
thinking “They are a low life”, we are not being a Karma Yogi.

Thirdly, did they put us down? Absolutely not. The inflated idea of myself as a respected person that
protects me from feeling bad got pricked and because I like to BE that idea, when that cherished
idea gets assaulted, I FEEL assaulted. I feel put down. I have not got smaller but rather the painful
self-idea “I am not worthy of respect” that I take myself to be, has become evident. This is the self
idea which is behind this whole happening, out of which comes the insistent desire in the form of a
pressure to prove myself to others.

Lastly, the Vedantic wisdom tells me that my problem is centered on ME; the person I take myself to
be. At this point I have been guided by the wisdom to arrive at the location of the pain. It is right
now, right where am, as I am. I am no longer blaming. I no longer have my attention on the other
people because I see clearly that the problem is located with me. But now I AM HURTING. I am
hurting and I hate it. I am in conflict with the EXPERIENCE of BEING ME. Here is where Karma Yoga
begins.

Right in the middle of this pain, we shift into graceful acceptance.

Provided we know what Graceful Acceptance is, we are able to do this. We don’t resist the pain. We
don’t try and fix the pain. We don’t try to escape the pain. We don’t try to deny the pain. We leave
the object alone and put emphasis on BEING GRACEFULLY ACCEPTING by looking at the present
experience in the light of the Vision. After a while, you can skip consciously and deliberately looking
at the present painful experience in the light of the vision and simply abide without any thought, in
the attitude of graceful acceptance. This is always the solution. This is because graceful acceptance is
the vision lived. You just SEE order and you leave all that is happening in God’s hands, and all your
reactions about what is happening in His hands because you know that it is Him in the form of order.
Your job is to live with the workings of this order without friction. You just SEE order and you leave
all that is happening and all your reactions about what is happening in God’s hands because you
know that it is Him in the form of order. Your job is to live with the workings of this order without
friction.

8
We now begin to feel our way into the graceful acceptance more and more. We relax our face and
hands. If we’re really upset, we might become aware of our breathing until it becomes calm and
even. We recapture the feeling of what it is like to be willing to let EVERYTHING BE AS IT IS. We keep
on relaxing more and more into the attitude of graceful acceptance until it has taken up all the
room. Now we are back in the right relation to the whole which is characterized by harmony, not
friction. The situation is still the same but at the same time everything is different. This is because
WE ARE DIFFERENT. We are simply being ourselves alive to facts. We are happy and content within
ourselves. The power and force of the binding desire is neutralized because the pain from which it
arose is no longer active.

It takes time at the beginning to reach the point of being gracefully accepting at any one moment
when we see that we have moved away from it. But this is always our direction as a Karma Yogi.
Swami Dayananda gives the metaphor of a Chinese doll which loses its upright position and it has to
wobble back. He said Karma Yoga is like this. With practice we wobble less and recover quicker.

So here we have resolved a portion of our accumulated psychological pain. We have unburdened
our mind. Not completely but a little bit. Don’t worry, opportunities to do so again will come up
every day. Once we know what BEING gracefully accepting IS, we can become more and more
sensitive when we move away from it. Graceful Acceptance becomes our measure. When we see
that we are upset, the Vedantic wisdom becomes active in us and we see it is not an upset caused by
another; rather we see that we have moved away from the right relation to the whole (Graceful
acceptance) so we willingly shift back to what is now our refuge.

The more we learn to abide in the attitude that is born out of the Vision of God, the lighter and
lighter we get. The way we neutralize the binding desires is by BEING HAPPY. The discovery of a
happiness that does not depend on anybody or thing but which is always available is a wonderful
event in our lives. We have access to this happiness ONLY when we are gracefully accepting. Don’t
TRY to abide in the attitude of graceful acceptance all the time. That won’t work. Just discover it
again and abide in it right now, right where you are, as you are. Just do this one simple thing every
time you notice you have shifted away from it. There is no trying because we are not trying to
become something. To BE gracefully accepting is different from TRYING to be gracefully accepting.

CONCLUDING REMARKS

This has been a long article. I am sure there has been a lot left out. In six months I know I will be able
to articulate it better. But I wanted to share what I have been learning about graceful acceptance
and how it is inseparably related to the Vedic Vision of God. Having Pujya Swamiji talk to us nearly
every day for the last year has been a great thing for me. Being able to ask him questions and go and
see him personally has been wonderful. Having our head Teacher take us every morning by the hand
in morning meditation and guiding us to the point where we find ourselves as a simple conscious
being, who is composed and content, has been truly remarkable.

I am learning more and more about Graceful Acceptance every day. This whole article is an attempt
to show its importance. Graceful Acceptance is how we live the Vison “Everything that is happening
is the presence of God in the form of order”. Graceful Acceptance is the attitude which transforms
our lives as an individual. Every other doorway is a blind alley. Graceful Acceptance opens the door
to an entirely different life in which relatively speaking, psychological misery is a thing of the past.

9
This subject has been for me the greatest psychological discovery of my entire life. I go into Awe and
gratitude when I think about it.

I hope this has been a help. Any questions come up, please don’t hesitate to ask me.

10