Parashat Hukat (Haftarah)

Betrayal and Forgiveness

July 8, 2022

One year Yom Kippur fell on a Saturday. On Sunday morning during religious school the rabbi
saw little Michael staring up at the yahrzeit plaque. The plaque had several names that were
adorned not only with the star of David but also with the American flag. The seven year-old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside him and said
quietly, “Good morning, Michael.”

“Good morning, Rabbi,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Rabbi, why do
some names have American flags?” Michael asked.

“Well, son, those are memorials to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Michael’s voice was barely
audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”

***

I was reading some stories about betrayal and forgiveness. As I read them I realized that while
they were about forgiveness they were mostly not really about what we would call “betrayal.”
They were about people who suffered traumatic losses but were able to forgive the people who
caused those losses. There were stories of a traffic accident, a prank gone wrong, and even
stories of ethnic fighting in certain countries. In those stories there were examples of people were
hurt, or who lost loved ones often to accidents, sometimes by violence that got out of control but
in most cases were not personal. The stories were indeed remarkable, seeing how people who
have suffered such a loss could be able to forgive. But I had a hard time seeing them as betrayal.
Betrayal indicates a failure on the part of someone who one would otherwise trust. In the stories I
read the harm was often caused by strangers, for whom the victim was able to forgive, or
accidents in which there was no real intent to harm.

Betrayal has to be something where someone broke your trust in them. They did something
callous, careless or malicious without any consideration for your feelings, but our relationship
was one in which we should have expected them to have this consideration.

There is an interesting story in this week’s Haftarah that accompanies the Torah reading. The
Haftarah is a story from the prophetic book of Judges.

Jephthah the Gileadite was an able warrior, who was the son of a prostitute. Jephthah’s
father was Gilead; but Gilead also had sons by his wife, and when the wife’s sons grew up, they
drove Jephthah out. They said to him, “You shall have no share in our father’s property, for
you are the son of an outsider.” So Jephthah fled from his brothers and settled in the Tob

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 country. Some time later, the Ammonites went to war against Israel and the elders of Gilead
went to bring Jephthah back from the Tob country. They said to Jephthah, “Come be our chief,
so that we can fight the Ammonites.” Jephthah replied to the elders of Gilead, “You are the very
people who rejected me and drove me out of my father’s house. How can you come to me now
when you are in trouble?” The elders of Gilead said to Jephthah, “We have now turned back to
you. If you come with us and fight the Ammonites, you shall be our commander over all the
inhabitants of Gilead.” Jephthah said to the elders of Gilead, “Very well, if you bring me back to
fight the Ammonites and the LORD delivers them to me, I am to be your commander.”

Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him their commander and
chief. Then the spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah. He marched through Gilead, crossed
over to the Ammonites and attacked them, and the LORD delivered them into his hands. He
utterly routed them. So the Ammonites submitted to the Israelites.

***

This was a man betrayed by his family, by his clan, by his tribe, indeed, by his nation. I’m sure
that many people would not have been so forgiving and benevolent after having been
excommunicated that way, only to find that the people who excommunicated them then needed
him and asked him to return. Had there been no crisis the community would never have come
back to him to bring him back into the fold.

***

A few years ago I officiated at a funeral for a man who lived a troubled last year of his life. This
was a man who was a lifelong devoted husband, father and grandfather. But suddenly at 75 years
old he left his wife and moved in with a woman less than half his age. His family was devastated.
They had been betrayed by the man who had been a good soul. They were lost and inconsolable
during that final year of his life and he passed on without making amends. He died estranged
from his family.

When I met with his family to plan for the funeral the only subject of conversation that they
would talk about was his betrayal. As the conversation was proceeding I was hearing the story
about a terrible husband and father who threw his life away for a hedonistic pursuit and there
was nothing redeeming about him.

I started to ask the family about the 75 years prior to that betrayal. At first they simply said,
“well, he was good up until then but we were all fooled by his deception,” and they continued
with comments about his that last year.

I asked, “so, if he had you fooled for the first 75 years of his life, how did he fool you? How did
act prior to his betrayal?”

They began to describe stories of a man who worked hard and put his family first. He had few
hobbies because his hobby was his family. He spent his free time with his wife and children, and
later, grandchildren. He spent little on himself because he wanted his family to spend his income
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on his family instead. He remembered birthdays, anniversaries and had attended all of his kids’
activities when he could. He had been a devoted husband, a loving father and a fun grandfather.

For 75 years of his life. Which is why the betrayal had hurt them so deeply. They had full trust in
his love by the way he acted almost all of his life and even in retrospect they could not have
found signs of a possible betrayal.

I asked the family, “so, do you think the first 75 years of his life was an aberration and he finally
lived out who he truly was that last year of his life?”

They pondered for a few moments, having just brought up all of the wonderful memories of this
man, the life he lived, the love he displayed to them and the love they felt for them. Their anger
with their feeling of betrayal turned to sadness.

Then I said, “perhaps the man he was was the man who lived his life the way he did for 75 years!
The last year and a half was the aberration. You lost contact with him. Does that sound like the
man you knew? It seems to me that he wasn’t fooling any of you. That was who he was and then
he developed some type of mental, emotional or psychological trauma that led to an illness that
caused this aberrant behavior.” I told them that I thought that the first 75 years defined who he
was. The final year of his life was some kind of illness.

The look of relief on their faces was remarkable. They started crying and saying that this is what
had to have been true. Their last year had been defined by his betrayal. That betrayal and pain
had suppressed the feelings of love, but this conversation helped them realize that the last year
was not the man he was, that the first 75 years truly defined his relationship with his family.
They were able to reclaim the love that they all had. They were able to forgive his betrayal.

Unfortunately for this family the forgiveness of the betrayal was never able to be communicated
to the betrayer. But the family was still able to find resolution.

People around us make mistakes. Some are careless, some are downright cruel. There are times
when the acts of betrayal are so large that we can’t find a way to forgive the person who betrayed
us.

But sometimes when we look into our hearts, we can find a way to forgive. Forgiveness is not
only for the person being forgiven. It is for the person who does the forgiving. It allows us to let
go of the pain that we hold onto that tears at our hearts.

Like Jephthah, who was able to forgive his community for the sake of the nation.

Like the family of the man at the funeral who were able to say goodbye to him in peace.

May we, too, learn not only how to make amends for our wrongdoings. Let us also learn how to
let go of the pain, and forgive others.

Copyright © 2022 Rabbi Jeffrey Kurtz-Lendner