Like a raging bull into the depths of despair...

Anger I wanted God to feel.. the brokenness I was.

This is how I did it:
Body lain bare; begging slow painful infliction of parasites and any darkness that
could emulate my hearts emotion. Sadly only simulating my state of mind for others
to use as a weapon against me. Self sabbotage is when we don't believe we are worth
the love of God and not because we are stupid, in any way. It is Intelligent
Design. All of It.

You might hear me relate to a time before I went to China; and the time after
Covid...Before I went to China, driving around getting pass on medicals, police
clearance certificates, passports etc; I was getting ready for what I do best. I
was running. However; what I had is something you cannot run from; a part of Self.
Many things happened leading up to me going to China. Hell; many things happened in
China and ever since China.
Nevertheless I was driving around getting proof that the warrent for my arrest had
been cleared; when I saw what I assumed to be a homeless man begging for (assuming
here again) money. The man looked riddled with diseases. His lips were swollen in
two shiny blisters which were emphasized by their discoloured pigmentation. His
eyes sunken in and shriveled like two tiny rainins; at the base of a concave
frontal lobe. I could see his diseases.
I heard a voice; " This is because of your sickness, Lauren. You think what you do
behind closed doors has no impact or influence on all of humanity? Not only do your
actions affect the collective; your thoughts are indirectly received by individuals
vibrating at the same frequency." My interpretation of the message is that my drug
abuse and everything associated with my darkness might not have been impacting my
immediate surroundings at the time; but somewhere someone was paying the price. I
am part of the pain inflicted upon these people whom I have ignorantly passed
judgement on before. Not understanding, until that moment, how entangled we all
are.

Some will tell you that people deserve what they get; some will use better wording
and say that we manifest all we experience, and there are others I've heard say
it's not easy being good or making a success.
And then there is one that will embrace darkness; making it his own; yet hide its
depths from those around him. That it might be protected and not taken away; or
changed into something which it is not.
Few then will take the darkness to teach and heal all things perceived as not being
correct; re-establishing the Law of Oneness; and True Being.

Before you want to judge,

You think you've made mistakes. What you have done is learn.

THE DARK CLOUD OVER MY HEAD.. HOW DO I MAKE IT A HALO

First stop judging yourself and then you can stop judging others. The less you
judge, the more you will see ;-)
The children are coming in with the energy of what is possible, not what's not
possible. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are anything less than
Magnificent.

"When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the
flower"~Alexander Den Heijer

It begins with Self Reflection

We reflect on how we are feeling
-in general
-about our environment
-about others
- how others perceive us
eventually lending towards "What's wrong with me?" "Why does everyone else get it
right but not me?"

If you are still reading this it means you are starting to ask questions.
"Have I missed something?"
"Is it bigger than I've been told?"
Specifically when it comes to God, The Creative Source, Spirituality, The Energy on
the planet; that some are saying we are moving into a place that never was before.
And they are right.
Some call it consciousness shift, an awakening. It is a perception shift on the
planet that is gradually starting to happen. It refers not just to spiritual
things. It actually relates to the way you think. Human consciousness is starting
to vibrate higher.
The first thing that takes place is those that start to be aware of what they were
not aware of before. So; instead of an awakening let us call it 'A Greater
Awareness' about that which is Spirit; about your own Spirituality.

It is why you are here, reading this. It's 'the elephant under the table' because
it has changed your life. Sometimes it has meant more difficulies in your life,
some of you have lost friends and family because of it.

Look around. There are those who have experienced many things; some of those got
you into trouble. Trouble because, when you 'go against the norm', there are those
who say: "How could you? You were trained in this, you learned this, your staple,
this is how it works; and you have varied from that therefore we're not going to be
with you anymore."
There might be something in the corner that vibrates differently; and there will be
those in the room that say: " Yes, this is life; there will always be things that
you can look at or not look at. There will always be odd things. Don't look because
it will capture you. It's not good for you.If you are here, still reading I am sure
you looked and a door cracked open?
There is light there. Things you don't understand. Something benevolent, something
loving. If you want to look; you might find a greater truth than you've been told.
These things, if you want to see, are an opening, a doorway. You have to then make
a decision. To ignore what you've seen, try to unsee it, and believe in others. Or
take a look, go through the door, and the adventure begins.
What if you went from darkness to light and you liked the light better?
All of us have the ability to look. If you choose to look; it's like an
outstretched hand to Spirit that says you're looking; and Spirit will give
something that you will see. That's what happened to me. I saw a greater truth, I
went to take a closer look. It's my greater truth because it saved me. It has
become something that has extended my life.
What if God is bigger than you were told. What if God isn't even representative of
that word itself. A word that sometimes means anger and judgement and disfunction;
like the Greek's had. What if you erase the whole idea of a father in the sky.
Instead have a benevolent source that you are a part of; that has a grander scheme
than anyone has ever told you.

I took a look. I saw something. The door started to open and the light shone on the
love and benevolence. I felt safe and beautiful. A place I wanted to stay. It
wasn't a trick of the mind; as those I love had told me; it is real.
And I've had to come back to a planet where I have to work with different
consciousnesses, lows and highs, and have been disappointed. I've become an author,
a teacher, a healer. What I saw opened me to the truth and I want to show it to you
without you having to go through what I did.

From being a child to becoming an adult. Place this metaphor right now on humanity
in general and the way things work on the planet. There is an opportunity right now
for consciousness and awareness to have that same kind of growth. Through history;
we've had the same opportunity to discover better things. To have a higher
conciousness of what we want for one another.

Sit and discover; the truth of the situation. You live in black and white; and
colour is coming.
A sightless person living in a black and white world suddenly; doesn't just get
sight, they get sight with colour, 3-D, and more. How would this person explain
these hues of colour, which they have never seen, to a world that has only ever
seen in black and white? In this world of colour there is another paradiagm of
truth; but the truth of colour is so much bigger than the truth of black and white.
In a world where the people see different shades of gray; all the hues and
grandness of colour is not even perceptable to them. There is nothing wrong with
them; they are just in another reality. They are all good people, beautiful people.
But they look at you; and if you talk about colour often they will roll their eyes.
They cannot perceive of the thing you have experienced. This is what it is like to
have a new frontier of awareness.

There is no group that you need to join. It is like a door starts to open and in
floods a light and colours you've never seen. Beauty that you never expected; and
you have the opportunity to look or not to look. Truly many have seen this door
open and slammed it shut because it was frightening. Slammed it shut because it was
not what they were taught should be behind that door. This is not something that is
judged as an issue or a problem; it's free choice not to look, and you are every
bit as loved.
~The Prodigal Son

When it comes to Spirituality; no matter what you experience, there's always more
to know from it. Go deeper.

When some say 'dark' you might become intrigued; like there is some mystery to be
solved. My 'Darkness'; rabbid and consuming; peaked after Greg died. There are so
many details ; justifications, reasons; that I can pour out to you, pages and pages
of lifetimes. However; I am not here to feed any sort of fictional thrills and
dramatics for trolls with any type of fettish. I am here to show you how I did it.

Greg died in 2008 (*Numberology) Denial lasted about a year. Denial was not how you
think a drug addict denies his addiction; desperate to hold onto it . My denial was
cement. Assured fuckery. My truth. I honest to God believed it was all a set up
(which most of life is really*) and that his mother had orchastrated it all . I
believed Greg was still alive.
When the phone rang; I held my breath, waiting to hear my mother respond,'Greg is
alive'. Running through our life together. Backwards and forwards; as if I were
playing my favorite movie, over and over. Re-living the happiest times of my life.
Like my own crystal ball of moments I would go to escape the static. Choosing to
blur what reminded me that something sinister was going on. Times I had confided in
Spirit how I couldn't handle Greg's mental health, his 'bipolar'. Waking up each
day to remember that he had died was soul destroying. By the time the day finished
I had somewhat of a handle of what had happened; only to wake up again the next
morning to relive the pain of loss, the death of love. Eventually the madness
turned to anger.
This life seemed too long and too drawn out for me to survive. Hard to try express
what was going on in my mind. My heart, broken. Trying to think of how I could end
this eternal pain I felt. I was devastated how God could ever let any human feel
pain like this; knowing the love I feel, the love I am, how I feel about this
planet even though it's people denied me. The unrequited love I had many times in
life suits me just fine today. Maybe because I know that I have loved and have had
love returned.
Maybe only because I know that in truth I'm never alone.

When I was 10yrs old (*1990) my best friend was asked to play with the popular
group. From the first day I met Jacqui, the first day of school Jacqui had been my
friend, my best friend. I was in Std 4 when Kirsty asked Jacqui to play in their
group and be friends with them, the three most popular girls in school. Jacqui
asked if I could join along. However; Kirsty needed the other's votes on it. That
was the day the last straw was drawn. The vote, no shock to my understanding and
experience in life, was no for me, yes for Jacqui. By the end of the day, Jacqui
had persuaded the popular girls to let me play too. Within a couple months we
convinced them to include two new comers that were friends from aftercare. Furious
that it wasn't about strut to us extras; the cool kids allowed for the group to
grow. We then included Mashudu; the first student of colour in school. She became
one of the closest friends I had. And after that the next thing all of a sudden
everyone was playing with our group. By the end of Primary School our whole grade
was playing in our group. Or our group was playing with everyone; I know I was and
that was as good as life ever got for me.
The set up was the genuine interaction in a mutually fair game that gave chance for
healthy contact through some friendly competition. Life should be more like my last
year of Primary School. High School sucked a lot; with added embarrousments and
shame with a broken heart.

1990 was a terrible time; I just didn't realize until the age of forty, we as
humans have cycles just as the planet has. Hot, cold, and in between (warm and
cool). My father was having an affair with a married woman that lived across the
road. Our families were close friends; until my mom (last one to know) had enough
of the humiliation and kicked him out. This was trauma was enough for me; enough to
repeat and trigger a lifetime cycle of heartache and pain. A program set which
repeated every year that had the same vibration as this year did, vibrational
energy of the number one (as seen in my case). Not only will this be the cycle for
my heart to be broken , those years all have a special aire. They have both yin and
yang. My sister was born in the previous year, August 1989.

1999; the year my father had me arrested. When I grew up, if there was a time I
became an adult thinker; it was then that I convinced myself he did what he thought
was best; to get me away from 'the DJ' . But now that I have the maturity of 40, I
don't think so; there is so much more to this story!
This part (my father) is much too much shock for a written reflection, don't like
to even think of using my time for a sadness that has taken too much of me already.
But what I will say looking at it all now; my entire "drug career", bad men, bad
choices, sex issues, lack of self-worth, was all a set up. When it was evident that
I couldn't be manipulated or bought; money and things never did work on me. I had
seen his ugly. His darkness seen by one that loved him most. Not even understanding
that anything he was doing was wrong. In fact I hated my mom for kicking him out.
Hate for seeing my her hugging the adulteress woman late one evening outside our
house, in the street. I hated her even more because she made me go to the Vaal
River where he was temperarily living in our family weekend getaway caravan,
together with the woman who destroyed any trust I would ever have in men. If he
didn't pick us up for the weekend my mother dropped my new baby sister and I there
and drove off while I ran after her car;begging not to leave us. I really hated
hearing them have sex at night, her screeming "I love you, I love you" at the top
of her lungs, while I held my hands over my baby sister's ears. I prayed so hard
for God to make them stop.

Only now looking back I really understand that Primary School was the last time I
truly felt pure happiness. It's only now, with the maturity of 40 I can see it; I
never returned to that genuine carefree joy. Not that I am a depressive or
depressed type of person; but it was then where I started loosing my childlike
nature. I supressed those feelings and locked away my inner child so the trauma
would be blocked, and the pain eventually be gone. This was quite a time of change
in History of humanity, which I was too young to notice at the time. It was the
ending of the Soviet Union and the Berlin wall had fallen, which unexpectedly
caused the opening of the border(1989)

After losing Greg;I did fall in love again. I had started seeing Ed in August 2016.
He was in a wheelchair after a motorbike accident a few years before we met. He was
a nice guy; I didn't want to be shallow and miss out because of him being in a
wheel chair so I made the effort and got to know him better. I fell quickly; I
really loved him. We fell pregnant early in 2017 but on the 24th week scan informed
that the baby had abnormalities; his heart had 3 chambers and perfect hands that
had 6 fingers on each hand. Yes, a beautuful baby boy who was meant to be born a
week after my niece. He was due on the 16th October 2017; also Ed's Birthday. I
have a picture of him waving; taken at the scan before.

I have asked many times; why I chose to incarnate this lifetime, experience all
that I lived; all not lived . I only now have an answer. I came to experience the
finding of Creative Source. It wants to be found. It was all so that I would look;
and in divine time see It, The Intelligent Design. Thank You for eyes to see The
Source Creator within the different disciplines; especially those dark places. To
bring Light; to become Light.

Things being realized: If we're going to get along in life, we better get along in
life. They start looking at each other differently and they become adults. They're
reasonable, they are balanced.
It's simple. You see it in your children, you went through it yourself. But this
planet never did. You've been hitting each other with sticks an dcalling one
another names for thousands of years.
This is not unexpected. The other planets went through this; there comes a time
when there is a full realization of change.
It didn't just start now; it's began over fifty years ago, became refined twenty-
five years ago.
We are getting away from the playground. We are not calling each other names
anymore; we work things out.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

God heal me- To say this is incorrect*

We are 100% Healthy Human only working at 33-35 % Active DNA.
The rest is a fog of consciousness
- consciousness of lack of selfworth
- akashic insecurity
- problems and stress that have nothing to do with biology
* Forgive yourself; let the fog clear
Healers don't heal, they balance

You have help. Through intent will come results. You are not alone.
The Creator of the Universe is literally invested in your Soul. You are part of the
plan; of The System. You are awakening to it like the ancients also awakened to it.
Get out of the way of what already is in you.
Find the Joy factor and drop into Peace - You mean it. You don't pretend.

You limit God by pre-assigning your Future.

Dear Spirit, what is it I should know?

Suffering is not honouring God; it's dysfunctional.

Suffering is something you designed, for you. All things around you press the
buttons of suffering , and you accept them as suffering.
It is Human created. Get out of the way.

Intentional Systems ~
You are connected to everything.
Everything, at some level, knows you're there.
Things change because you're there.
Unify and integrate

Let the teachings be joyful...

So; the message gets more complex - now we are asked for Wisdom - Wisdome to drop
an old consciousness that asks for help.
Dear Spirit, tell me what it is I need to know - Take your attention off of what
they're doing and place it solely on what you're doing
~ What is your vibration?
~ Are you in your Heart?
~ Are you being present?

Embrace your darkside ~

As you ascend, all parts of you must make the journey as well.
It means acknowledging what is a part of you.
Just because something exists inside of you doesn't mean you must exude it at all
times. You are able to experience more of your Light by it's mere existence.
Determine for yourself your own rules.
Then allow yourself to change these rules and break these rules when appropriate.
You must check in with 'You' to feel if something is wrong or inappropriate. And
you must let everyone else decide for themselves; if you ever truly want to live
happily ever after.

Something we are given as a seemingly smart solid metaphor; a leopard never changes
its spots. Something we relate it to, Human Nature; that's changing.

Genesis:
1'In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2Now the earth was
formless and desolate (empty), and there was darkness upon the surface of the
watery deep , and God's active force was moving about over the surface of the
waters.
3And then God said :"Let there be light." Then there was light.
4After that God saw that the light was good, and God began to divide the light from
the darkness. 5 God called the light Day , but the darkness he called Night. And
there was evening and there was morning, a first day.

The first four versus in the Holy Bible state what occurs on first day of Creation.
It also hold real value; the Alchemy for Ascension. This is what showed me a deeper
aspect of Light and Dark, vital to my shift in consciousness.

Psalms33:
6'By the wordof Jehovah, the heavens were made,
And by the spirit of his mountheverything in them.

Proverbs8:
27'When he prepared the heavens, I was there;
When he marked out the horizon on the surface of the waters

Proverb8 verse 27 (including the numberology of it; is clear that you are known by
God. Just look up; you and the stars are known by God. You and so many others are a
part of everything that is.When you start to look at all this, things will start to
happen. You start to realise your consciousness and your mind and your heart are
not alone. You are part of everything.
This means the things you worry about have solutions, they really do. You are
connected. There is something called 'The Field'; Physics knows who you are. The
chemicals in your body respond to your consciousness. Thank you for all that you
are doing in this space. Sometimes it's a difficult space; to hold the light.
Did you know you're a specialist in this? Did you ever think of that? You are a
specialist in holding the light in this place.
Free choice is like gold, it shines like the sun. It allows every single human to
make up their own mind. Without judgement. Without penalty.

Have you ever seen a bird build a nest in the air?

Who will speak for the birds when the trees are gone?
Look at nature for answers; the for the principles of life.
Does a lion deplete all the gizelle not managing it's regeneration and health?
I remember a few things crossing my mind that were more profound than I knew at the
time. One thing I had misunderstandings about was the daily stress in the life of a
buck. I laughed at this thought only because of my ignorant association. However
later the understanding came. I saw the offering of life from the buck for the lion
and intuited the buck, at that heart racing moment, engages it's privledge of life,
returning to the greater energies of cycles, more push -pull potential in the
return to Source.
Who speaks for the birds and the trees; the nature that has rights just as we do.

We think if we make money we are successful. But we lack purpose.

Time is important for people who are running. Take your time.

"Power without Love is recklace and abusive; love without power is sentimental and
anemic. Power at it's best is love implimenting the demands of justice; and justice
at its best is love correcting everything that is against love" ~Martin Luther King

You are a powerful being; "Made in His image"; Love is what you are.