I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find.

12 February 2015
�Oh, crikey!� I said, as he started humping my butt. �You�re humping my butt real
good like that.�

�Shut up, Darlene,� he said, as we butthumped.

�My name is Amy.�

�Shut up,� he said again emptying a can of Krylon spray paint into the back of my
head. I realized he�d said my name wrong on purpose to horny me up. This was the
first time my butt had ever had a humping put in it.

�Unghyeeagh!� he said, reaching his climact. He had made my butt into a butt
goddess on the inside.

�Mm,� I murmured, the way the slaves did.

�Now lie down on the bed in all the butt juice,� he told me, climbing into his
diaper. My butt sighed.

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part two.
12 February 2015
Christian Grey felt like a kid in a candy store, but all the candy bins were just
her real horny pussy ready to do it, and the candy scoop was his ding-ding.

He was porking away at her, but not real pork, candy pork instead, and he started
to have a vision.

�Will that be all?� asked the candy guy in his head, who looked like Taylor Doose
from Gilmore Girls, except horny.

�Just the one pound,� he replied, �one pound of cummi worms.�

That�s when he spermed everywhere. The girl was just sort of lying there or
whatever.

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
three.
12 February 2015
Christian Grey picked up his head from between her legs, which is where her sex
place is, and looked at her. His extremely attractive face was dripping all over
with her hoo juice.

�This is the best hoo juice I have ever tasted,� he said, wet. �You have a
wonderful flavor. I wish I could bottle it and drink it at the gym where I work out
a lot.�

She leaned back and stared at the really expensive ceiling.

�I�m going to go back to going to town on you,� he said. �Like a muffet. That�s a
buffet, but on your muff. Like a muff buffet.�

He stuck his head back between her legs and started making noises like a
coffeemaker right before it finishes brewing.

The girl had female orgasms, which are real.

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
four.
12 February 2015

Christian Grey stood on top of the end of the bed, shirtless, hands on his hips,
wearing really good pants that he got at the millionaire pants store.

�Dong,� he said. �Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong.�

�What�s that?� said the girl, aware in some girl way that she was about to sex more
than she ever had before.

�Open up,� he said, unzipping. �That�s the fuck doorbell.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
five.
12 February 2015
She lay on her back with her legs open as Christian Grey knelt before her, wearing
a papier-m�ch� cage around his head with a black hashtag on the front where a face
would be.

�Say it,� he insisted.

�I want you to blow up my favstar,� she replied.

Grey began speaking in a low, reverberating voice.

�When my object enters your sexstream, sex begins to correct itself. Let me use
this example: Imagine if I had four balls on the edge of your clit. Say a direct
copy of the ball nearest the clit is sent to the back of the line of balls and
takes the place of the first ball. The formerly first ball becomes the second, the
second becomes the third, and the fourth falls off your clit.�

�What?�

�Time works the same way.�

�Um��

�That, my dear, is a Zybourne cock.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part six.
12 February 2015
�So no means yes?� I asked.

�Yes,� he said.

�Does that mean no?� I asked.

�No,� he replied.

�So, yes?� I asked again.

�No."

"Yes?"

"Yes, but no. What I mean is yes-yes."

"To no-yes or yes-no?"

I had a lot to learn about sex.

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
seven.
12 February 2015
I paged through a cook book in Christian�s kitchen. The kitchen was the size of a
helicopter. The kind of helicopter that we had done buttstuff in. Also it was made
of gold.

The cookbook was full of strange recipes: �One egg, a blindfold, two whips."

I spun around as he used his fingers to surprise my shoulders.

"I see you found my cooking books,� he said observantly.

I nervously asked him, �What kind of a recipe is this?"

He laughed a sexy laugh that a handsome seal would make in some sort of sex zoo.
"That�s a book on how to make sex breakfasts, and I�m going to make one for you.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
eight.
12 February 2015

Christian Grey led me into the Silver Room of Using the Toilet. Everything was
clean, because it was made of metal.

�I can make pruno in this toilet,� he said, pointing at a toilet that was a
brushed, metal-colored metal, like a zippo lighter or a refrigerator. �One day I
will, and I will make you drink out of the toilet.�

I was frightened of what would happen next. Christian began rubbing his fingers on
my bike area.

�Stop, I said, "that�s where I sit on a bike.�

�Anastasia,� he said, rubbing, �are you on your period?�

�No, I said.�

�I�m glad,� he replied. �It�s never too early.�

Christian took a tampon out of an expensive-looking tampon dispenser on the counter

of the Silver Room of Using the Toilet. The tampon dispenser was covered in rubies,
but also metal. He gently slid off my clothes and then slid the tampon inside the
part that I don�t pee from. Not the butt, the other one.

Next he pulled expensive panties out of the medicine cabinet and lined them with a
pantyliner and put them on me. He grabbed a maxi pad and shoved it down between my
parts and the pantyliner.

�This is the biggest maxi pad you can buy in the world,� he said. �It�s not even
street legal.�
Then he started wrapping blue painter�s tape around the panties and finished by
sliding a set of hip waders up my legs.

�Good,� he said. �Now nothing�s getting out of there.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
nine.
12 February 2015
Christian Grey put his thumb in my mouth. And then the other one. And then two
more. "Wider,� he said as he put in one more. "I bet you�ve never had this many
thumbs in your mouth.� I hadn�t.

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part ten.
13 February 2015
�But what *is* Twitter?� I asked.

�Twitter is an online social networking service that enables users to send and read
short 140-character messages called �tweets,�� Christian Grey said. �Tweets are
publicly visible by default, but senders can restrict message delivery to just
their followers. Users may subscribe to other users� tweets�this is known as
'following� and subscribers are known as 'followers�[98] or 'tweeps,� a portmanteau
of Twitter and peeps.[citation needed]�

�But why do you want me to��

�Shhhhh, shh shh shh shhhhh,� he said, putting a finger to my lips. �Have you
turned on push notifications for replies, favs and retweets and set your phone to
vibrate?�

�Yes,� I said.

He walked me to his desk and bent me over the laptop, then took the phone and slid
it into my bad hole as he stuck a paper in my face.

�Now, the next time he posts anything, I want you to tweet this at the president.�

�But that�s incredibly racist.�

�Yes it is.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
eleven.
13 February 2015

�My desires are�unconventional,� he said.

�Show me,� I replied.

Christian opened his computer and began typing. Excited, I walked across the room
to where he stood. He slowly turned around the laptop so that I could see.

�))<>((�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
twelve.
14 February 2015
Christian Grey had tied me to a tree.

�Now we are going to play Fred Reva,� he said.

He began to go to town on me with Hot Wheels tracks.

�And, uh, know this, homeboy,� he said, hitting me with the quickness, �this is the
greatest strop in Notre Dame history.�

He struck me in time with each name. �Foge Fazio, Dave Huckaba, uhhh, Bond Lapua,
Harry Gopaul, uhhhh, Ross �Grizz� Clifton, and Mark Brannon from 'Tequila Sunrise.�
This is the way it�s gonna be. No kicks, no takedowns. Just the body of a 25-year-
old, coming at you, with hands.�

His blows were so fierce.

�Why are you doing this?� I asked.

�Bitch,� he said, �I brought your pussy back from the fucking dead, and now you�re
trying to kill it with regular water, and I told you not to do that.�

And just then, the pain stopped.

�I am your inner goddess Maitreya,� he said, just before a low, slow zipping sound,
�I�m gonna get Stevia into your body.�

I felt his hands slip below my waist and into my panties, pulling them down. Within
seconds, he was playing the violin on me. One, two, five, eight orgasms. Could he
beat nine? He did, and soon I felt a wave of cold fission come from me as I
exploded into soup.

I bit my lip as I felt his breath on my ear, his mouth so close to me.

�Lou Holtz, know this: If I�m killed, my sons are to contract the Russians to kill
whoever murdered me�s entire family.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
thirteen.
17 February 2015
Christian Grey handed me a razor and made me shave away his Paul Mitchell shampooed
(with awapuhi) and exquisitely styled love thicket of pubes, revealing a blazing
tattoo of flames radiating from his adamantine wiener.

�What are those for?� I asked.

�They�re turbo boosts. They help me do sex to you faster.�

�Did they hurt?� I said, staring.

�Yes. And soon you will have one of your own, on your butt. A blaze of flames
streaking away from your rear hole. Like a butt comet. Like Halley�s comet on your
butt.�

�Doesn�t Halley�s comet only come once every 75 years?�

�Yes, but this would be a different comet. Like a comet that does it every morning
before work.�

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
fourteen.
18 February 2015
After our second time together, I felt adventurous.

�What if you stuck a Twizzler in my butt?� I asked.

�Twizzlers!� he shouted, spanking me hard, though not as hard as he did when I said
wrong things. �They�re disgusting. I love everything that comes out of your butt,
especially my love hot dog,� he said, gesturing between his legs at his love hot
dog. �Except those. Twizzlers suck compared to Red Vines. Twizzlers taste like the
cherry flavor in grownup cough syrup. Like it�s cherry flavor and clam sauce or
something.�

He started rubbing me. �I love your clam sauce,� he said.

�Mmm,� I said.

�Let me have your hot clam sauce.� He kept rubbing me and grabbed a graduated
cylinder and put it under me, where I was dripping sauce.

�I don�t know if I can�� I said.

�Sure you can. This is your clam, and it�s wet. Sea clams are wet all the time. You
eat them raw, and they�re wet clams. I can�t cook your clam, but I can cook sea
clams. Sea clams are different. You get them hot, and they�re rocks with meat
inside.�

By the time he stopped talking I had filled the cylinder to the top with my clam
sauce.

�You know, everyone who disagrees with me is wrong. Bottoms up,� he said, drinking
it with my bottom in the air. I was at sea, but emotionally.

I�m opening �50 Shades of Grey� to a random page and posting what I find. Part
fifteen.
4 March 2015
I went to pull down Christian Grey�s boxer briefs. Boxer briefs are a kind of men�s
underwear that are part boxers, part briefs, but they let the man show off more of
his package without looking like he�s wearing kid underwear.

The boxer briefs were made in Italy. I could tell because they had a name on them
in Italian.

I finally slid them down, revealing his naked manity, and just then every speaker
in the house started playing the solo from the Eagles� �One Of These Nights.�

�Shhhh,� he said, putting his fingers to his lips. He did not let me touch him or
make eye contact until the solo was over.