Better

Boundaries

when to say yes and how to say no

for a healthier and happier life

with Gemma Stone

BETTER BOUNDARIES

Boundaries help you to know where your feelings and experiences

begin and end and where other people’s feelings and experiences
begin and end.

Healthy boundaries are about taking responsibility for your actions

and emotions while not being overly responsible for the actions or
emotions of others.

There are three main types of boundaries,

1. healthy boundaries
2. rigid boundaries
3. porous boundaries
 HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Healthy boundaries are flexible, adaptable, and collaborative. When you have
healthy boundaries, you have a strong sense of who you are and what you value,
and what you want to experience. When you have healthy boundaries, you
know when you feel safe and unsafe, comfortable and uncomfortable,
energetic and depleted.

As you strengthen the mental muscles of better boundaries, you will know how
to work, lead, live, and love in a way that’s in alignment with what you want to
experience.

RIGID BOUNDARIES

Rigid boundaries are hard, they feel like an ‘automatic no’. They are usually
created when we don’t know how to keep ourselves safe. We barricade
ourselves behind a big wall to try and protect ourselves. Rigid boundaries don’t
allow anyone to come in and they don’t let you out. Overtime the wall becomes
bigger, stronger, and harder. If we spend too much time behind rigid
boundaries, we feel isolated, resentful, bitter, disconnected, unseen, and
unheard.

POROUS BOUNDARIES

When we have porous boundaries, we try to keep the peace, smooth things
over, and slide by unnoticed. Feeling controlled by the need to please others,
we often sacrifice ourselves by giving an ‘automatic yes’. Porous boundaries
cause us to flow into everyone, and everything because we don’t have a solid
sense of where we end, and others begin.

GEMMA STONE
 BOUNDARY ASSESSMENT
Here are signs of healthy boundaries, check the ones that apply to you:

I define my boundaries.
I value my own opinions.
I ask for help when I need it.
I have reciprocal relationships.
I process new information easily.
I respond to others with sensitivity.
I let others define their boundaries.
I make decisions I feel good about.
I accept when others say ‘no’ to me.
I can identify and embrace my feelings.
I don’t compromise my values for others.
I know what I value, and I communicate it.
I share intimate information as trust builds.
I am free to be my authentic self in relationship.
I give and receive what I want to give and receive.
I feel safe in my body, my relationships, and my life.
I am comfortable claiming the physical space I want.
I feel comfortable being spontaneous and adaptable.
I refuse to accept abuse, disrespect, or value violations.
I am willing to receive help when it is offered, and I want it.
I feel harmony between myself and others most of the time.
I say yes when I want to say yes, and no when I want to say no.
I create my boundaries from the present (not the past or future).
I honor my values, opinions, and feelings as much as other peoples.
I am in touch with my wants and needs and can communicate them.
I take responsibility for what I am truly responsible for (your happiness).
I share personal information in a thoughtful way (not over/under sharing).
I can discern what emotions are mine and what emotions belong to others.
I do not take responsibility for what I am not responsible for (their happiness).
I adapt my boundaries according to my needs and desires, the changing
conditions of the world, and the evolution of relationships.

GEMMA STONE
 BOUNDARY ASSESSMENT
Here are signs of rigid boundaries, check the ones that apply to you:

I feel lonely.
I feel isolated.
I avoid intimacy.
I avoid vulnerability.
I avoid asking for help.
I say no when I want to say yes.
I feel like no one really knows me.
If help is offered, I usually reject it.
I have an intense fear of rejection.
I prefer surface level relationships.
I have very few close relationships.
I have been told I am uncompromising.
I am protective of personal information.
I am overly protective of myself and my life.
Romantic partners have called me detached.
When I’m with others, I don’t feel seen or heard.
I feel resentful that others don’t understand me.
I tend to be on the lookout for how people might hurt me.
I am afraid people will take advantage of me or manipulate me.
When I set boundaries, I do it based on experiences from my past.
I am more comfortable when others are at a distance, physically or emotionally.
I have a rigid sense of self – “this is who I am, what I think, what I do, and nothing you
say will change that.”

GEMMA STONE
 BOUNDARY ASSESSMENT
Here are signs of porous boundaries, check the ones that apply to you:

I absorb the feelings of others.

I often feel taken advantage of.
If others tell me ‘No’, I feel rejected.
It’s hard for me to say ‘no’ to others.
I do anything I can to avoid conflict.
I have felt love-at-first site many times.
I feel helpless against other people’s will.
I tend to overshare personal information.
I let other people define or describe my reality.
I tend to touch others without their permission.
I tend to feel the need to save or rescue others.
I often apologize for things that are not my fault.
I get overinvolved with other people’s problems.
I often feel drained, unappreciated, and resentful.
I have been known to accept abuse or disrespect.
I never fall apart so I can always take care of others.
I find myself in relationships with people I need to fix.
I feel like, to be liked by others, I need to please them.
I ignore my intuition and allow others to direct my life.
I feel like I’m responsible for other people’s happiness.
I often feel confused when it’s time to make a decision.
I have felt overwhelming preoccupation with someone.
I don’t know how, when or with whom to set a boundary.
I feel like other people are responsible for my happiness.
I abandon myself when others want something from me.
I tend to fall in love with people who show interest in me.
I often find myself stuck in the middle of conflict or drama.
I fall apart frequently, and hope others will take care of me.
I have engaged sexually with someone for them, not for me.
I expect others to anticipate and fulfill my needs and desires.
I usually say ‘yes’ before I’ve really had a chance to think about it.
I have violated my values because I thought others wanted me to.
If I can fix my partner, then I’ll get the love and appreciation I want.
I am a chameleon, changing who I am depending on who I am with.
My well-being is dependent on what others think of me or how they are feeling.
When setting boundaries, I tend to think about what might happen in the future.
I accept food, gifts or touch I don’t want because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

GEMMA STONE
 AWARENESS
Understanding what’s getting in the way of setting healthy boundaries is an important step
on your journey to better boundaries.

I work with a lot of kind, sensitive, generous, loving people who want to do the right thing. I
understand how challenging boundaries can be, for all sorts of reasons.

Here are a few:

• need approval
• fear of rejection
• people pleasing
• fear of offending
• fear of missing out
• authenticity is scary
• vulnerability is scarier
• attachment wounds
• wanting to be helpful
• fear of consequences
• don’t want to be rude
• fearing abandonment
• prefer to avoid conflict
• want to be seen as good
• wanting to do what’s right
• don’t want to burn bridges
• being generous feels good
• easier to do what they want
• past trauma around boundaries
• feeling the need to serve others

GEMMA STONE
 AWARENESS
What are the biggest barriers you have to setting healthy boundaries?

What is needed to support you in moving beyond these barriers?

GEMMA STONE
 VALUES
When it comes to creating healthy boundaries, let your highest value be your filter, your
barometer, your compass, your north star, your guiding light, and your bottom line.

What is your highest value?

When you know what you value it’s a whole lot easier to know what you say ‘yes’ to and what
you say ‘no’ to. For example, if your highest value is Love, your boundaries are based on the
answers you get to these questions:

What’s the most loving way I can communicate this boundary?

What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself, others, and the world?
If I place Love at the center of my universe, how do I respond to this situation?

Based on your highest value, what boundaries will you set?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Physical Boundaries – your body

How do you tend to your physical boundaries? For example, do you want to receive hugs or
handshakes? If you are a non-smoker, do you sit in a car with someone who is smoking? Do
you eat food you don’t want to eat to be polite? Do you prefer your doors to be locked or
unlocked? When do you engage in sexual intimacy with others? How do you like to be
massaged? Do you skip the gym to help others?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Emotional Boundaries – your feelings

How do you tend to your emotional boundaries? For example, who do you share your
feelings with? How much do you share? When do you know how to share? Can you honor
your feelings, even if other people don’t? Can you be responsible for your feelings and let
other people be responsible for theirs? How do you create space for your feelings? Who do
you share your vulnerability with?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Mental Boundaries – your thoughts, ideas, interests

How do you tend to your mental boundaries? For example, do you share your thoughts with
people? Can you hold onto your ideas when other people don’t agree with them? Can you
listen to other people’s ideas even when you don’t agree with them? What kind of media do
you consume? What kinds of hobbies do you choose? Why do you choose them?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Social Boundaries – your culture, community, friends

How do you tend to your social boundaries? For example, what social groups do you
choose to belong to? How do you stay connected to your culture? When experiencing
other cultures how do you engage? What kind of person do you choose to be friends with?
What kind of person do you choose not to be friends with?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Personal Boundaries – your identity, values

How do you tend to your personal boundaries? For example, do you know who you are or
lose yourself around others? Do you honor your values, even if the people around you are
doing something that goes against your values? How do you express your true self? How do
you live in alignment with what you value?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Material Boundaries – possessions, money

How do you tend to your material boundaries? For example, do you lend money? To whom?
Do you let people borrow things {books, clothes, tools, vehicles}? How do you want to give?
How do you want to receive? How do you care for your space? Who do you invite into your
home?

GEMMA STONE
 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Spiritual Boundaries – relationship with a higher power

How do you tend to your spiritual boundaries? For example, how do you stay connected to
what you believe in when you are around others? How do you respond to other people who
don’t believe in what you believe in? How do you nurture your relationship to your belief
system?

GEMMA STONE
 YOUR BOUNDARIES

What is at the center of your universe? What are you choosing to prioritize?
What do you want the focus of your life to be right now?

GEMMA STONE
 YOUR BOUNDARIES

How does that focus influence your relationship with yourself?

How does that focus influence how you show up in your relationships?

How does that focus influence how you work?

What boundaries are needed to honor that focus?

GEMMA STONE
 BOUNDARY SCRIPTS
The people we are in relationship with can’t read our minds, know our values, or understand
our inner worlds unless we communicate to them.

Your boundaries are your instruction manual. They allow others to have a better
understanding of how you work.

Your healthy boundaries teach other people how to engage with you and how to get the
best version of you. They are a way of letting other people know what you want for yourself,
from them, and for the world.

Here are some scripts to help you share your healthy boundaries with courage, clarity, and
confidence

Boundary Scripts: for work

I need to leave this meeting at 11:30, but I’ll check in this afternoon.

I’m happy to do it again for you, this time. How about lending me two people on your staff
while I do it? I’ll teach them all I know, and then you’ll have the resources in house.
I’d rather not ___________________. I prefer to ______________________.

My team and I would be very happy to work on your important project. Our next available slot
is in three months. Does that work for you?

I can scale back what I give you and do it by Friday, or I can complete it and give it to you a
week later, which would you prefer?

I asked for __________________ and it’s important to me that my request is respected, if it’s not,
I’m not going to be able to be part of this project.

I’m not going to be able to be part of this project anymore because my value of
______________ is not being met and I don’t feel comfortable being involved.

I’m very excited about taking this job, and I understand you want me to start right away. I have
a two-week vacation planned with my family. Would you like me to start after I take my
vacation or take the vacation after I start?

Yes, I’ll drop everything and fly to meet with our client to resolve their problems with our
technology. Can we agree that I’ll go back to managing my current team with my current
responsibilities when I get back next month?

GEMMA STONE
 BOUNDARY SCRIPTS
I’m concerned about ________________. Can we work together to come up with some
solutions?

I have a problem with _______________, here’s how I think it can be solved. What do you think?

Boundary Scripts: for home

Yes, you can take the car. Please be back by 10:30 so I can take your sister to practice.

As your parent, I am responsible for your safety, and I don’t think that’s a safe thing to do.

It doesn’t work for me to _______________, but what does work for me is __________.

Yes, you can have the car all day Saturday if you drive your brother and his friends to practice.
The following Saturday, though, I’m going to need it.

Yes, while you are staying at Grandma’s you can watch the TV much longer, but Grandma has
her rules at her house, and we have our rules at our house.

This is hard for me to say, but it’s also important for me to say, ______________________.

Scripts: to give yourself space

Thank you, I’ll have to check my calendar.

I want to check with my spouse (or sister, roommate, friend, etc.) before committing.

Thank you for thinking of me! I can get back to you about it tomorrow.

What an amazing opportunity! Thank you for thinking of me. I’m in the middle of a big project
until the Fall, can we touch base then?
 BOUNDARY SCRIPTS
Scripts: for a quick no

No thank you.

I’m not really into that type of (music, food, outdoor event, etc.). Thanks for thinking of me and I
hope you have a wonderful time.

I’m not able to do ________, is there another way I can support?

I’d love to help, right now my plate is full so I’m going to have to say no, thank you.

I’ve decided not to _________________, but I can _______________.

Unfortunately, I’m not able to take this on. I’m laser focused on my health and my family right
now.

This is such a fantastic idea! I don’t think I’m the right person to help you, but here are a few
people who might be able to (resource, person, idea).
 GRATITUDE

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to request permission first.

#pleaseandthankyou

GEMMA STONE
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GEMMA STONE
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

G emma Stone is a psychology expert,

neuroscientist, author, speaker, and lover of
life. Gemma is laser focused on helping
people build emotional intelligence and
resilience so they can navigate the hard
things that happen and live a life they love.

Working in the field of psychology for over

twenty-years, her formal training, degrees,
certifications, and licenses range from
psychology to executive coaching, to
hypnotherapy, to neurolinguistic
programming, to trauma processing and
much more.

In addition to her one-on-one work with leaders, she creates courses for the
community at To Love This Life, facilitates retreats in the Rocky Mountains and
consults with organizations internationally.

She is the author of Your Great Life: a soulful and strategic guide to designing a life
you love and has supported thousands of people creating lives they love.

When she’s not working, you can find Gemma adventuring the world with her two
Suns or curled up in a corner with a book.

GEMMA STONE